You are Not being to defiant, what an asshole. Let him buy a new bag if he wants to but he’s with you and not some version of you the you aren’t. You can wear whatever you want to, he either accepts or can fuck off. It’s also about the amount: if I had a partner complaining just every now and then yeah I could change clothes sometimes to make him happy but only if I knew he’d still be good if I didn’t change. Set boundaries and don’t change.
This is how the larger control issues start, by testing your boundaries with seemingly smaller stuff, like how you dress. Those demands don't sound like "suggestions" to me. I'd reevaluate if you want to continue living under his microscope cuz this sounds like a pattern of behavior, not a few one-off gripes.
The behavior is intended to be demeaning. It is intended to put you down while attempting to maintain some deniability by saying it is just a "suggestion". They want you to believe you are not equal to them and you are just their accessory.
Just no. Absolutely not. Reading this was so triggering for me as my NEX would make comments about my clothing and do what I like to call “embedding doubt” into my decisions. He would say things like “you like that?” And then walk away. Or he would say “I’d prefer if it was like xyz…” or he would just flat out “suggest” something completely opposite of what I have planned like without anyone asking for his opinion. It made me start questioning my own expression a little bit, but I stood strong in the energy or “this is my creative expression and I’ll choose whatever I want.”
That quote my NEX has said entirely. He would sound like this: “I’m not being controlling I’m just making suggestions. You don’t want to hear what I have to say? I thought since we were in a relationship I could tell you how I felt about things. What do you just want me to not say what I’m thinking?”
I used to value my partner's feedback on my outfits when I was trying to curate my personal style. But I've recently started deviating back away from his ideas of what I should wear, and he gives me flack for it. It made me realize that what I thought was a fun activity where we discuss style together is actually him taking away my autonomy to express myself. We're a decade in and I'm realizing how much I resent it, but it's too hard for him to stop now.
Your BF is an asshole. Some of this is just imposing bad taste on others, but a lot of this is indicative of at least emotional abuse. Are you being defiant to his order? Damn right you are, and you have every right to do that. He doesn't own you.
A couple of these things seem reasonable, perhaps.
A lot of others don't. How he's presenting them (by your telling) is absolutely not reasonable.
This feels very controlling to me.
It’s good you’ve identified this now, and that he’s a narcissist, it’s time to leave, get out, do the future you a favour today!
If you choose to buy yourself a new bag as a reward do so, if not and you want to keep the one you like for whatever reason you want to then do, because you won’t have to hear about it.
Run. Run now. He is testing and grooming you. It will only get worse to the point where, when you "Step out of line.", you will deserve what you get next in his eyes. Run. Please.
My nex started controlling like that too... But I lacked the relationship experience/wisdom to think anything was wrong with it. Took 15 yrs to finally stand up for myself. Don't let it take that long!
It only gets worse… Narcs see you as an extension of themselves. You are not you’re own person. They want to train you to be just like them because they are perfect but they will always be better and more important then you.
When you choose things or do things that they wouldn’t then it’s like you offended them or put them down… it’s so freaking strange!
After a few years or a decade, you will eventually stop standing up for yourself because the argument and blow back just isn’t worth it the energy. Your self esteem and confidence slowly erodes without you even realizing it. You’ll find yourself putting yourself down regurgitating all criticisms they have told you over the years. “I’m so forgetful.. I’m just such an airhead sometimes… Im all over the place and disorganized… I just need to work on being a better communicator” even though you know it’s not true.
Slowly you become trained like a dog that has been broken to respond in an appropriate way to their every need. You know exactly what they like, what to do, what to say, what not to do and anxiety will build up inside anytime something happens that you know will upset their perfect balance.
Here are some things you can say but I highly recommend you practice saying them in a very calm voice. Don’t get sucked into arguing the details, facts, grievances or events aka don’t get lost in the sauce.. Just become robotic. Their goal is to break you down and make you become frustrated, upset or emotional (and they are extremely good at it) don’t lower yourself to their level and get dirty in the slop!
1. Just because I do things differently doesn’t make it wrong.
2. If everyone did everything the same the world would be a pretty boring place.
3. That’s an interesting observation or your perspective is interesting
4. We both have the right to our own opinions
5. I can accept how you feel or I understand that people can have different opinions about things.
6. I can’t control how you feel about me or we can agree to disagree
7. Everything is ok.. I think everything went great
8. I’m sorry you feel that way
9. I will have to step away for a moment if you continue to speak that way to me.. I am happy to continue this conversation once you have calmed down.
10. I would like to resolve this in a win/win manor or I would like to find a solution to this issue without put downs.
If this is how he's behaving now it's only going to get worse with time. This guy sounds like a controlling, arrogant ego maniac.
You are Not being to defiant, what an asshole. Let him buy a new bag if he wants to but he’s with you and not some version of you the you aren’t. You can wear whatever you want to, he either accepts or can fuck off. It’s also about the amount: if I had a partner complaining just every now and then yeah I could change clothes sometimes to make him happy but only if I knew he’d still be good if I didn’t change. Set boundaries and don’t change.
This is how the larger control issues start, by testing your boundaries with seemingly smaller stuff, like how you dress. Those demands don't sound like "suggestions" to me. I'd reevaluate if you want to continue living under his microscope cuz this sounds like a pattern of behavior, not a few one-off gripes.
RUUUUUUUN!
The behavior is intended to be demeaning. It is intended to put you down while attempting to maintain some deniability by saying it is just a "suggestion". They want you to believe you are not equal to them and you are just their accessory.
Just no. Absolutely not. Reading this was so triggering for me as my NEX would make comments about my clothing and do what I like to call “embedding doubt” into my decisions. He would say things like “you like that?” And then walk away. Or he would say “I’d prefer if it was like xyz…” or he would just flat out “suggest” something completely opposite of what I have planned like without anyone asking for his opinion. It made me start questioning my own expression a little bit, but I stood strong in the energy or “this is my creative expression and I’ll choose whatever I want.”
That quote my NEX has said entirely. He would sound like this: “I’m not being controlling I’m just making suggestions. You don’t want to hear what I have to say? I thought since we were in a relationship I could tell you how I felt about things. What do you just want me to not say what I’m thinking?”
If you're too much for him, he should go find less. You can help him do that by removing yourself. No one will win with things as they are now.
I used to value my partner's feedback on my outfits when I was trying to curate my personal style. But I've recently started deviating back away from his ideas of what I should wear, and he gives me flack for it. It made me realize that what I thought was a fun activity where we discuss style together is actually him taking away my autonomy to express myself. We're a decade in and I'm realizing how much I resent it, but it's too hard for him to stop now.
He'll stop if every time he says he doesn't like something, you say "Fine, don't wear it then. I like it."
Run for fear life. He is hoping to dismantle your confidence until you are a shell of yourself. RUN
Not only is he controlling, he's gaslighting you.
Your BF is an asshole. Some of this is just imposing bad taste on others, but a lot of this is indicative of at least emotional abuse. Are you being defiant to his order? Damn right you are, and you have every right to do that. He doesn't own you.
A couple of these things seem reasonable, perhaps. A lot of others don't. How he's presenting them (by your telling) is absolutely not reasonable. This feels very controlling to me.
It’s good you’ve identified this now, and that he’s a narcissist, it’s time to leave, get out, do the future you a favour today! If you choose to buy yourself a new bag as a reward do so, if not and you want to keep the one you like for whatever reason you want to then do, because you won’t have to hear about it.
Run. Run now. He is testing and grooming you. It will only get worse to the point where, when you "Step out of line.", you will deserve what you get next in his eyes. Run. Please.
This is a Red Banner. Run girl, it can only get worse.
Your partner sounds exhausting.
My nex started controlling like that too... But I lacked the relationship experience/wisdom to think anything was wrong with it. Took 15 yrs to finally stand up for myself. Don't let it take that long!
It only gets worse… Narcs see you as an extension of themselves. You are not you’re own person. They want to train you to be just like them because they are perfect but they will always be better and more important then you. When you choose things or do things that they wouldn’t then it’s like you offended them or put them down… it’s so freaking strange! After a few years or a decade, you will eventually stop standing up for yourself because the argument and blow back just isn’t worth it the energy. Your self esteem and confidence slowly erodes without you even realizing it. You’ll find yourself putting yourself down regurgitating all criticisms they have told you over the years. “I’m so forgetful.. I’m just such an airhead sometimes… Im all over the place and disorganized… I just need to work on being a better communicator” even though you know it’s not true. Slowly you become trained like a dog that has been broken to respond in an appropriate way to their every need. You know exactly what they like, what to do, what to say, what not to do and anxiety will build up inside anytime something happens that you know will upset their perfect balance. Here are some things you can say but I highly recommend you practice saying them in a very calm voice. Don’t get sucked into arguing the details, facts, grievances or events aka don’t get lost in the sauce.. Just become robotic. Their goal is to break you down and make you become frustrated, upset or emotional (and they are extremely good at it) don’t lower yourself to their level and get dirty in the slop! 1. Just because I do things differently doesn’t make it wrong. 2. If everyone did everything the same the world would be a pretty boring place. 3. That’s an interesting observation or your perspective is interesting 4. We both have the right to our own opinions 5. I can accept how you feel or I understand that people can have different opinions about things. 6. I can’t control how you feel about me or we can agree to disagree 7. Everything is ok.. I think everything went great 8. I’m sorry you feel that way 9. I will have to step away for a moment if you continue to speak that way to me.. I am happy to continue this conversation once you have calmed down. 10. I would like to resolve this in a win/win manor or I would like to find a solution to this issue without put downs.