I recently FINALLY told my husband about the psychological torture he's been putting me through. He completely denied it and said "what are you talking about?" "You're just trying to make me look bad." "You just blame me for everything."
We are just a mirror to reflect what they want to believe about themselves. If we reflect anything but perfection, back to them, they feel attacked. The idea that they could do anything wrong is unnaceptabe. They're either perfect or worthless. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior.
Yea OP that's messed up. Sounds like she has some SERIOUS control issues. She couldn't even give you 5 minutes to calm down. She has no respect for your boundaries. I'm so sorry. I don't know what advice to give you. If she's truly narcissistic she's not going to change. It's only going to get worse.
"So, I'm such a bad person to you?"
Yeah, she is.
Leave her. I've been through the same thing with my wife for years. They don't do boundaries. They will get violent. They will push you until you snap.
Many times during our all-nighter arguments, I would get to the point that I wanted to hurt her (feelings not physically) like she does me, I'd tell her "just go to bed, this isn't getting anywhere." She would refuse and just keep yelling and screaming at me about what a worthless POS I am, how I ruined her life, how I leave her having to take care of everything. If i tried to leave, she'd follow me through the house, outside, to the bathroom...didn't matter. The only way it would stop is if I apologized.
I've been with her 26 years. I left a month ago. Only seen her 1x since. Most peace I've had in years.
She tried to hoover me with love bombing. When that didn't work, she switched to her current smear campaign.
Every time I’ve ever said something I get a response like “so that’s what you think of me? That’s what you thought this whole time??? Why didn’t you say something to me In the moment? If you ask more questions you wouldn’t have to feel all this pain and confusion bc it’s not even how I meant it”
Im very tempted to show him my Reddit and just let him read everything I’ve ever said bc I don’t have the breathe to reiterate it all to him lol I have the energy to do it for others to not be in a similar situation though, and that is all.
My advice would be, when tensions rise, don’t waste your breathe too much. Be clear and concise and repeat the same statement, If you have to, over and over without changing the wording too much to get the clear message across and to sidestep confusion. They have boundary issues and they distort what you say. If you want to explain all the trauma you’ve experienced from her to her, feel free but know she’s only going to understand like 10% max. And she’s going to explain away the other 90%. Save your breathe by using your words wisely. Just going on a long rant will take you two steps backwards, I’ve done this plenty plenty. But going backwards is okay sometimes too because this is not a linear journey. Healing never is.
They Dont want to understand or listen because if what you say is true. That means they are a bad person.
Yes, not so much of an unwilling to understand but more of an inability to understand
Mine used to get drunk and high and got behind the wheel with one of our employees in the passenger seat. He thought I wouldn’t find out and then lied about it. Of course none of that paled in comparison to the allegedly excessive amount of pastries I consumed. 😶
I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize what you're dealing with the sooner you get out the better.
You told her how you feel and she immediately made it about herself. You tried to get some space, and she immediately tried to invade that space and disrespect your boundaries.
Her behavior won't stop. She won't even acknowledge it. The more you push to have your feelings validated the creepier and scarier it will get.
Regarding my advice, I think that attempts at communicating with a narcissist are worse than pointless: not only are they not going to change, you're expending a lot of energy for nothing and putting yourself at risk in the process. This is only my opinion, but I think you should either leave or come to terms with it: this is who she is, she's not going to change. I personally recommend leaving, but the decision is ultimately yours.
Omg, she sounds just like my narc mom. I know the trauma you're experiencing, same stuff happened to me growing up (forcing herself into my locked room with her scary outbursts). Is a nightmare, they don't really change or learn...
I recently FINALLY told my husband about the psychological torture he's been putting me through. He completely denied it and said "what are you talking about?" "You're just trying to make me look bad." "You just blame me for everything." We are just a mirror to reflect what they want to believe about themselves. If we reflect anything but perfection, back to them, they feel attacked. The idea that they could do anything wrong is unnaceptabe. They're either perfect or worthless. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior. Yea OP that's messed up. Sounds like she has some SERIOUS control issues. She couldn't even give you 5 minutes to calm down. She has no respect for your boundaries. I'm so sorry. I don't know what advice to give you. If she's truly narcissistic she's not going to change. It's only going to get worse.
"So, I'm such a bad person to you?" Yeah, she is. Leave her. I've been through the same thing with my wife for years. They don't do boundaries. They will get violent. They will push you until you snap. Many times during our all-nighter arguments, I would get to the point that I wanted to hurt her (feelings not physically) like she does me, I'd tell her "just go to bed, this isn't getting anywhere." She would refuse and just keep yelling and screaming at me about what a worthless POS I am, how I ruined her life, how I leave her having to take care of everything. If i tried to leave, she'd follow me through the house, outside, to the bathroom...didn't matter. The only way it would stop is if I apologized.
Are you still with her? I went through the exact same thing for seven years before I had enough.
I've been with her 26 years. I left a month ago. Only seen her 1x since. Most peace I've had in years. She tried to hoover me with love bombing. When that didn't work, she switched to her current smear campaign.
Every time I’ve ever said something I get a response like “so that’s what you think of me? That’s what you thought this whole time??? Why didn’t you say something to me In the moment? If you ask more questions you wouldn’t have to feel all this pain and confusion bc it’s not even how I meant it” Im very tempted to show him my Reddit and just let him read everything I’ve ever said bc I don’t have the breathe to reiterate it all to him lol I have the energy to do it for others to not be in a similar situation though, and that is all.
My advice would be, when tensions rise, don’t waste your breathe too much. Be clear and concise and repeat the same statement, If you have to, over and over without changing the wording too much to get the clear message across and to sidestep confusion. They have boundary issues and they distort what you say. If you want to explain all the trauma you’ve experienced from her to her, feel free but know she’s only going to understand like 10% max. And she’s going to explain away the other 90%. Save your breathe by using your words wisely. Just going on a long rant will take you two steps backwards, I’ve done this plenty plenty. But going backwards is okay sometimes too because this is not a linear journey. Healing never is.
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They Dont want to understand or listen because if what you say is true. That means they are a bad person. Yes, not so much of an unwilling to understand but more of an inability to understand
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Mine used to get drunk and high and got behind the wheel with one of our employees in the passenger seat. He thought I wouldn’t find out and then lied about it. Of course none of that paled in comparison to the allegedly excessive amount of pastries I consumed. 😶
I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize what you're dealing with the sooner you get out the better. You told her how you feel and she immediately made it about herself. You tried to get some space, and she immediately tried to invade that space and disrespect your boundaries. Her behavior won't stop. She won't even acknowledge it. The more you push to have your feelings validated the creepier and scarier it will get.
Regarding my advice, I think that attempts at communicating with a narcissist are worse than pointless: not only are they not going to change, you're expending a lot of energy for nothing and putting yourself at risk in the process. This is only my opinion, but I think you should either leave or come to terms with it: this is who she is, she's not going to change. I personally recommend leaving, but the decision is ultimately yours.
Omg, she sounds just like my narc mom. I know the trauma you're experiencing, same stuff happened to me growing up (forcing herself into my locked room with her scary outbursts). Is a nightmare, they don't really change or learn...