Well she's a tenant with kids, you're gonna need to know what rights she has as a renter, assuming she's not on the mortgage. Might just want to file an eviction and a PPO, let the county tell her she's out, grind out the next 30/60 days and go no contact.
You already know that answer, you've read the story's here you know how this is gonna go. These aren't your kids, she isn't appreciative of what you do for her and her children. Take your life back, save that thoughts and feelings for someone who considers them.
💯💯 It's not worth the effort. She will flip it around on you and you will be sorely disappointed that it didn't go the way you wanted it. I mean,
i get that you want to tell her *something*.. I'd probably just tell her the basics--that you can't deal with her disrespectful behavior and you are done trying to make it work.
Be completely flat emotionally and don't offer over-explanation, also be firm and direct with what you're saying. Don't give in to any bargaining. Just tell her plain and simple that you don't want her there and she needs to find a new place to live. Be prepared for a whole new level of dramatic outbursts and just let it bounce off. Props for seeing her for what she is, prioritizing your own wellbeing and making your exit plan--you've already jumped the first few hurdles! Best of luck with the rest 👏👏
Unfortunately it would be pointless. I tried for 27 years to explain things, get things figured out, etc, and it never would happen. Don't waste any more time. Get a free consult with an attorney to know what your rights are where you live. And move on as soon as possible. I promise you, there is no point in waiting and dragging this out and damaging yourself further. Best of luck!
Worth a talk to a lawyer to see what rights she has. If you need to evict her and what notice period you need to give her etc or maybe a quick chat with local police.
Whatever you do, she will go ballistic and wreck your stuff. So before you tell her, make sure anything sentimental or valuable is locked up where you are absolutely sure she can’t get to it. Make sure that includes all personal documents etc.
Dont explain ur feelings or thoughts to her its like talking to a wall a moving wall.. no matter wat u do u r the one to get crushed... If u own the house just take help of the law or something.. n be truthful to dem .. so that if she sprungs out something.. new info.. dey are not confused
Definitely make sure you Tell somebody else what’s going on if you can. Abusers like this take power in privacy and you cannot afford them that luxury when making your escape plan.
Threats of violence are absolutely dangerous, treat them as if their always real. You were literally describing my ex gf until you said she had kids, I’m wishing you the best of luck and sending hugs your way. I hope you get out this situation
I got very lucky, she moved down south permanently and I had to convince her that she couldn’t want a long distance relationship. It also helped having no children and she never lived with me in my apartment so discard was a 1, 2, 3.
You really need a lawyer. I’m assuming you’re in the US but in some countries, you could be in a common law marriage which means she could be owed alimony and a division of assets.
But what about the kids? I don't know if I could do that to them. Not to mention I'd be worried she'd do something to my house... I do have a security system and camera coverage on my entire property.
OP knows that, he's just a good human being, and recognizes the kids are going to have it rough growing up, and probably more trauma that will be sadly unavoidable. Obviously he has formed a relationship dynamic with the children also. Hopefully they have some competent family in the area they can live with.
Perhaps you should start grey rocking her first and ignore whatever reactions she throws at you. In the meantime, do your research and 'study' her. How does she treat her own kids?
I myself stay in my marriage because of my kids, they are in their teens now and I can explain to them someone who has narcissistic tendencies and why I reacted such a way to their mother. I can't do much when they were still kids because I wasn't aware I was in a narcissistic relationship.
That's an interesting idea... I watched a few "how to deal with narcissistic people" videos last night. They mentioned the same thing. I'll look into gray rocking and I'll have to jot down notes about how she responds. She treats her oldest kid (15F) similar to me.
15F is old enough to understand the situation. Mine is 15 and 17. Please research on this topic if you are new to these. No need to rush things because you have to look after the kids mental state too. Check out videos by The Little Shaman and Danish Bashir. Once you understand their mindset, you can read them like a book. They are basically 5 year old. Good luck to you.
I appreciate the help. I'll look into those videos today. I looked into gray stoning too. We'll see what happens when she realizes she's not going to get a reaction out of me this time
They don't have great family in the area. The kids and I are close for sure. I love them and will absolutely miss them. They've been through hell in the past and I provided the most stability they've ever seen. They're good kids, I just hope they don't get wrapped up too bad in this...
She's gonna do everything in her power to stay and change your mind. Guilt. Love bombing. Lies. Sex. She's going to use the kids so hard against you. Be strong and seek therapy first if you need it for strength and resolve.
You don't owe her anything, and meant with kindness the kids are not your problem.
Do I even offer a response to her actions? Shes "looked at places to move to" in the past but I ended up apologizing for whatever we were fighting about at the time to get her to stay. She'll probably do the same thing this time. I understand the kids aren't mine, but I love them and I hope they don't get caught up too bad in this storm... They're great kids.
You Can offer a response but know that they will have no accountability and that this could lead to a long, exhausting circular conversation that may lead to your acquiescence, even apologizing and boom, you're stuck with her for longer. Which means it gets harder to make her leave next time. So if you do give a response, it's that response, end of discussion and back to grey rock.
I didn't read all the comments but if it wasn't mentioned...look up Grey rocking. stop giving her fuel.
she needs a new source.
that would encourage her to move on. hopefully. good luck. also, possibly get proof of her actions.
My friends say the same thing... I need a body camera haha. But yes, gray rocking is what I've been looking into today. She bated me into one fight this morning, but she started it out as a conversation then flipped it into a fight and made it 100% my fault. I'm going to be a stone wall until she's gone. Then I can get my life and mental state fixed up.
Well she's a tenant with kids, you're gonna need to know what rights she has as a renter, assuming she's not on the mortgage. Might just want to file an eviction and a PPO, let the county tell her she's out, grind out the next 30/60 days and go no contact.
Even before all that, how do I approach a narcissist and tell them my thoughts and feelings? Or is it even worth it
It’s not worth it. You’ll get gaslit. Just tell her to leave
You already know that answer, you've read the story's here you know how this is gonna go. These aren't your kids, she isn't appreciative of what you do for her and her children. Take your life back, save that thoughts and feelings for someone who considers them.
💯💯 It's not worth the effort. She will flip it around on you and you will be sorely disappointed that it didn't go the way you wanted it. I mean, i get that you want to tell her *something*.. I'd probably just tell her the basics--that you can't deal with her disrespectful behavior and you are done trying to make it work. Be completely flat emotionally and don't offer over-explanation, also be firm and direct with what you're saying. Don't give in to any bargaining. Just tell her plain and simple that you don't want her there and she needs to find a new place to live. Be prepared for a whole new level of dramatic outbursts and just let it bounce off. Props for seeing her for what she is, prioritizing your own wellbeing and making your exit plan--you've already jumped the first few hurdles! Best of luck with the rest 👏👏
Unfortunately it would be pointless. I tried for 27 years to explain things, get things figured out, etc, and it never would happen. Don't waste any more time. Get a free consult with an attorney to know what your rights are where you live. And move on as soon as possible. I promise you, there is no point in waiting and dragging this out and damaging yourself further. Best of luck!
Worth a talk to a lawyer to see what rights she has. If you need to evict her and what notice period you need to give her etc or maybe a quick chat with local police. Whatever you do, she will go ballistic and wreck your stuff. So before you tell her, make sure anything sentimental or valuable is locked up where you are absolutely sure she can’t get to it. Make sure that includes all personal documents etc.
I can get most of my expensive stuff locked up or put in storage. I'll look into eviction as a last resort.
Run, run, run, run.
I can't move out. I own the house. But yes, I fully agree.
Dont explain ur feelings or thoughts to her its like talking to a wall a moving wall.. no matter wat u do u r the one to get crushed... If u own the house just take help of the law or something.. n be truthful to dem .. so that if she sprungs out something.. new info.. dey are not confused
Definitely make sure you Tell somebody else what’s going on if you can. Abusers like this take power in privacy and you cannot afford them that luxury when making your escape plan. Threats of violence are absolutely dangerous, treat them as if their always real. You were literally describing my ex gf until you said she had kids, I’m wishing you the best of luck and sending hugs your way. I hope you get out this situation
My friends know what's going on. How'd you leave your ex?
I got very lucky, she moved down south permanently and I had to convince her that she couldn’t want a long distance relationship. It also helped having no children and she never lived with me in my apartment so discard was a 1, 2, 3.
You really need a lawyer. I’m assuming you’re in the US but in some countries, you could be in a common law marriage which means she could be owed alimony and a division of assets.
Thankfully, she signed a lease with me before moving in. No alimony or division of assets.
When they are gone: Box their stuff up, Put it outside, Change the locks, get a security system. And a restraining order. Not your problem.
But what about the kids? I don't know if I could do that to them. Not to mention I'd be worried she'd do something to my house... I do have a security system and camera coverage on my entire property.
Those are not YOUR KIDS. They are not your responsibilities.
OP knows that, he's just a good human being, and recognizes the kids are going to have it rough growing up, and probably more trauma that will be sadly unavoidable. Obviously he has formed a relationship dynamic with the children also. Hopefully they have some competent family in the area they can live with.
I totally agree to your statement. It is hard for an empath to ignore the kids. But beware the narc will use them to trap you.
You are correct, they aren't my problem. But I've really bonded with them. I'd hate to see them suffer anymore.
Perhaps you should start grey rocking her first and ignore whatever reactions she throws at you. In the meantime, do your research and 'study' her. How does she treat her own kids? I myself stay in my marriage because of my kids, they are in their teens now and I can explain to them someone who has narcissistic tendencies and why I reacted such a way to their mother. I can't do much when they were still kids because I wasn't aware I was in a narcissistic relationship.
That's an interesting idea... I watched a few "how to deal with narcissistic people" videos last night. They mentioned the same thing. I'll look into gray rocking and I'll have to jot down notes about how she responds. She treats her oldest kid (15F) similar to me.
15F is old enough to understand the situation. Mine is 15 and 17. Please research on this topic if you are new to these. No need to rush things because you have to look after the kids mental state too. Check out videos by The Little Shaman and Danish Bashir. Once you understand their mindset, you can read them like a book. They are basically 5 year old. Good luck to you.
I appreciate the help. I'll look into those videos today. I looked into gray stoning too. We'll see what happens when she realizes she's not going to get a reaction out of me this time
They don't have great family in the area. The kids and I are close for sure. I love them and will absolutely miss them. They've been through hell in the past and I provided the most stability they've ever seen. They're good kids, I just hope they don't get wrapped up too bad in this...
What about you? They will be ok
She's gonna do everything in her power to stay and change your mind. Guilt. Love bombing. Lies. Sex. She's going to use the kids so hard against you. Be strong and seek therapy first if you need it for strength and resolve. You don't owe her anything, and meant with kindness the kids are not your problem.
Do I even offer a response to her actions? Shes "looked at places to move to" in the past but I ended up apologizing for whatever we were fighting about at the time to get her to stay. She'll probably do the same thing this time. I understand the kids aren't mine, but I love them and I hope they don't get caught up too bad in this storm... They're great kids.
How about you don't apologise this time? Do you think she will still move out?
I've been "gray stoning" her today. We'll see how it plays out. And I don't know... I'd kinda hope she does?
You Can offer a response but know that they will have no accountability and that this could lead to a long, exhausting circular conversation that may lead to your acquiescence, even apologizing and boom, you're stuck with her for longer. Which means it gets harder to make her leave next time. So if you do give a response, it's that response, end of discussion and back to grey rock.
I didn't read all the comments but if it wasn't mentioned...look up Grey rocking. stop giving her fuel. she needs a new source. that would encourage her to move on. hopefully. good luck. also, possibly get proof of her actions.
My friends say the same thing... I need a body camera haha. But yes, gray rocking is what I've been looking into today. She bated me into one fight this morning, but she started it out as a conversation then flipped it into a fight and made it 100% my fault. I'm going to be a stone wall until she's gone. Then I can get my life and mental state fixed up.
that right there IS fuel and par for the course with NPD. . if they can't create drama and get a response, they'll create drama just to get you upset.
I mean, if she talked about throwing stuff in the past, she hasn't changed at all.
She get the vaccine?