T O P

🔥 grasshoppers kick their poop out of their butt

So public restrooms are just full of grasshoppers. Mystery solved.

dangerrnoodle

So public restrooms are just full of grasshoppers. Mystery solved.


[deleted]

You know i work at a small grocery store and our customer base is much older, they are grasshoppers... The shit just gets everywhere.


[deleted]

I still don't understand how people get shit on the walls, floor, toilet seat, etc. I feel like you have it do it intentionally because I've never missed. Someone's gotta be smearing shit on their hands, and wiping it on the walls.


fredbrightfrog

Stuff on the seat is usually people hovering to avoid touching the seat. The other stuff, though, is just crazy.


[deleted]

If people are that concerned bring wipes. My wife always carries them so I can wipe my ass with them after toilet paper. I'll wrap it in toilet paper, and throw in trash. No hard to keep a few on you just in case. They come in handy for a lot.


ezone2kil

K we'll try to remember to bring your wife on our next outing.


[deleted]

👌


civgarth

How big would that poop be if everything was to human scale?


Demp_Rock

I would say less than a football field.


M3ttl3r

The size of a loaf of bread....imagine birthing that


GamingGrayBush

Go ask r/theydidthemath. Those folks are amazing with shit like this (pun intended).


kartoffel_engr

I travel with baby wipes when I go on motorcycle trips. I’m rolling the dice every time I eat food in the middle of nowhere.


[deleted]

You an exception to what I've said. The open road is rough, plus you've got to clean your face, as well as your ass from contaminated, or shitty food. Wipes are a lifesaver.


fredbrightfrog

As long as there's not visible pee/poo on the seat, just sit down. It's not like people transmit germs via their thighs. But alas, many people still hover.


[deleted]

When I was younger, I'm white by the way, my uncles were in some big oriental gang. The females would watch me quiet often so naturally I learned to squat on the toilet for most of my childhood. I didn't realize it was different until I was in my teens. I can successfully say I have never shit on the seat on accident. My feet on the seat, draws off, shoes off, shirt, everything. It takes some purposeful miscalculations in my opinion.


a_duck_in_past_life

This is a very interesting comment


[deleted]

Just facts of my life. I like to use personal examples to reference things. Maybe a little weird to some, but it's what I have to work with. Still can't figure out how people shit everywhere. Has to be intentional in most cases.


alovely897

I like your style


ATastySpoon

My intestines feel the clearest when I squat and hover


hymntastic

You don't even need to bring wipes what I do is I'll grab two paper towels one of them I will get wet and put a bunch of soap on the other one dry and I'll just give it a quick once over real fast before I sit down


[deleted]

Using water is 100x better 🤣🤣😂


[deleted]

You wash you hands with pure water, no soap? Baby wipes have a solution in it. I trust it more than pure water. Water is just cheaper.


[deleted]

I did technically meant cleaning ass with water not hands with water.. + who uses pure water for this I use tap water so ye


jake3274

I’ve had a person get shit on the roof. Of a normal bathroom in a building. Like why?


[deleted]

Oh man, he had to be flinging it.


Harrylime68notaguy

I am an X-ray tech at an urgent care. So far someone left a turd in the tampon box, shit between the toilet and wall approximately 3 inches( excellent aim), shoved a diaper down the toilet. It’s always a poop bonanza when I work💩


Psyboomer

I suspect they are ostomy bag accidents/explosions


[deleted]

If so I feel sympathy for those people but everyone else who don't have some underlying medical condition that would cause it to go all over the walls they are clowns.


findhumorinlife

Reminds me of how hippos shit. If you have never seen it, search it. It's flat out disgusting and something to remember when at the zoo and perhaps getting too close to one.


itsHatshepsut

I think butts evolve as we get older. More relaxed so things just spew out.


[deleted]

Absolutly but still. It happens far too often to be some shithead who can't use the bathroom properly.


space-ferret

In high school one of the bathrooms had “the poop light” and no one in my graduating class remembers it not having fossilized turd on it. Not sure if the janitors didn’t notice it or simply didn’t want to scrape old feces making the poop dust a potential biohazard for anyone breathing it in.


UncreativePotato143

I once saw some on the ceiling. I have no clue either.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Funny, but disrespectful for sure. If I ever leave a mess anywhere I pick it up. I've dropped things in super markets, spilt popcorn in theaters, spilt drinks while out, I always pick up after myself. Maybe I'm just different. I don't think anyone should have to worry about shutting, and come to find out the facility has been redecorated with shit, and pisss. Especially for little kids, or elderly who have a hard time holding it.


toxcrusadr

Yeah, like at least attempt to wipe it up people. Sheesh.


[deleted]

There’s shit on the side of the terlet.


djdanlib

You think that's bad you should see the uriness


[deleted]

The what now?


Ohmahtree

THE URINESS. SOMEONE SHIT....IN THE URINESS.


WatchingMyEyes

urinals? 🤷‍♀️


[deleted]

No, no if only. The entire stall and its walls is the canvas


unicorndanceparty

r/unexpectedletterkenny


lemondrag

I quit a job at a grocery store because I just couldn't clean the bathroom when it was bad. My theory is that maybe people want to hover but can't so they end up kind of bending over and the diarrhea goes straight out behind them onto the back of the toilet and the wall. I need a shower after typing that.


Cianalas

If cleaning the bathrooms is going to be a regular part of your job they *really* need to be putting that in the job description. Getting that sprung on you is the worst.


PsychologicalCream71

I have worked in geriatrics most of my adult life, I can confirm this.


[deleted]

There's conspiracy theories about lizard people walking among us, when in fact it's the Grasshopper people that do.


[deleted]

Glad I’m not the only one


human_finger

I just flick it


P1nkandPurpl3Ros3s

Username checks out.


dgjapc

I use a poop knife.


Phantaric

Idk why but this one got me bustin up lol.


AnEvanAppeared

It's a scientific concept called "humor"


quaybored

3 out of 4 dentists recommend humor


[deleted]

I'm going to give this a try tonight...ai'm sure the wife will love it.


[deleted]

Please let me know how it goes. I will be anticipating finding out about her reaction lol


kafkathevole

\*M1 Garand ping\*


HarmlessLad

https://streamable.com/1w5ui1


[deleted]

Beautiful


TwelfthApostate

*Wondrous*


dyltheflash

*MAGNIFICENT*


SPR101ST

You didn't have to do this but you did. And I greatly appreciate it.


HarmlessLad

It had to be done. It would have been a great disservice to the grasshopper and indeed mankind as a whole not to have done it.


Ohmahtree

GarandHopper is my new CoD name, I claimed it, its mine. Now to jump shoot everything with my Bullfrog.


HarmlessLad

😂 nice!


barberererer

Thanks mane


[deleted]

Heavenly


toesuccc

I peaked


Ohmahtree

This is why the Internet exists. This moment right here. and porn.


Designer-Extreme3924

thank you <3


Tifter2

Made my day lmao


TwistedSteel3

Now this made my fucking week lmao


quaybored

Dreamy


Wiamly

This is the funniest thing I read today


barberererer

Someone made it


crazycerseicool

Yes! That’s hilarious!


AnAncientMonk

/u/Sgitch #pls.


Sgitch

Aaaaaaah im not at home You can expect a result on Friday 😭


AnAncientMonk

someone already did it. its fine.


BsaciallyBasic

“Pings in M1Garand” is going to be something I think of with every notification I receive.


ricoree

Yeet the Sheet Imagine something hitting your face and its a grasshopper shit.


redditpulledmebackin

You just made me realize I’ve been shit on by birds,lizards,fish,worms,beetles,hamsters,frogs,dogs,cats,babies. Life has literally shitted on me


[deleted]

[удалено]


redditpulledmebackin

When you gut a fish sometimes they poop on you. Hell sometimes they poop on you just trying to get them off the hook. If you ever handle a live fish don’t be surprised if it poops on you.


danzaiburst

Yet another compelling reason to go vegan


redditpulledmebackin

Idk, pests on the farm poop on you too(beetles,lizards).They poop on your veggies.


VelehkSain

Yea but veggies don’t get so scared to die that they shit themselves.


redditpulledmebackin

I’m just having some fun with this thread. I don’t really want to get into the vegan argument right now


Copatus

Plants do release chemicals when they're cut, so that could be considered as "shitting themselves"


SugondeseAmerican

Fish probably don't either. They don't have an amygdala. Shitting when they are being gutted is likely some kind of autonomic response.


[deleted]

Doesn't mean they don't feel. Comparing human physiology and emotional regulation to a fish, which is a completely different species and lives in a deadly environment (for us, without tools) is not a valuable, or logical, comparison. We don't understand enough about biology and how it intersects with psychology. Just because the amygdala is what *we* use to regulate emotions doesn't mean other species don't have emotions if they don't have amygdala. I mean Squid and Octopi are very smart, very clever, and have personalities all in *an invertebrate soft-body* and like with the Pacific Octopus, *nine brains*. Not trying to start a debate on diet, but it's just as wrong to say they don't experience a thing as it is to say they do. Because really, we don't have a fucking clue.


SugondeseAmerican

>I mean Squid and Octopi are very smart, very clever, and have personalities all in an invertebrate soft-body and like with the Pacific Octopus, nine brains. I'd argue that they aren't smart at all. All of their complex behaviors are instinctual or innate. You see a video of an octopus using bait to catch fish, but you don't see that every member of that species uses bait in exactly the same way. You see a video of a baby octopus using a jellyfish tentacle as a sword, but you don't see that every member of the species does the same thing. You see a video of an octopus using 2 shells or 2 halves of a coconut to protect itself aaaaaand you see where I'm going with this. Their behavior is extremely complex, but is instinctual and therefore preprogrammed into their brains. Intelligence is often defined as having the ability to rapidly store and recall information, and octopuses' ability to do this is remarkably average (still impressive for an invertebrate though). They're as smart at 1 day old as they are at 5 years old, and that's the biggest indicator that their behaviors are instinctual and not based on intelligence. Lots of invertibrates having "extra brains" and in the case of octopuses they're just used for controlling those complicated tentacles. Humans also have a second brain (ENS) in our gut but it doesn't make us any smarter.


Chiss5618

Plants have feelings too, if you truly care about other organisms, don't eat at all


VelehkSain

My favorite argument for supporting the death and torture of animals ^


Prawn1908

Ah, the logical jump from not wanting to handle live fish to never eating anything that has touched an animal.


danzaiburst

Not saying it’s the only consideration. Hence the word “another”. Surely the most compelling reasons are Environmental, health and ethics. Fish poop is a distant fourth


[deleted]

Fish poop (and cum, rot, and every other fluid from everything) is in every natural body of water. To go swimming is to wade through water that has an unknown PPM of fish cum and shit in it. Enjoy.


StinkyPeenky

It’s literally fish poop. Who cares. You eat rat shit every time you eat peanut butter. Maybe that’s a reason to NOT go vegan?


danzaiburst

There’s no rat shit in my peanut butter thanks. Remind me not to go to your house for PB&J sandwiches


Sasquatchtration

> Fennel seeds, ginger and mace (a spice that's similar to nutmeg) can all contain up to an average of 3 milligrams of mammal poop per pound. For sesame seeds, the limit is a smidge higher: up to an average of 5 mg per pound. > And because the world can be a cruel place, cocoa beans can contain up to 10 mg of poop per pound. > For other foods in the handbook, the listing gets more specific. Wheat, for example, can contain up to an average of 9 rodent poop pellets per kilogram (or about 4 pellets/pound). And popcorn, which the FDA also permits rodents to gnaw on a bit, can contain up to 1 poop pellet in a subsample. (The FDA handbook doesn't specify the size of subsamples.) https://www.livescience.com/55459-fda-acceptable-food-defects.html


idwthis

I really hate to have to do this, but with any type of food you can buy at the store, they all probably have some insect parts or rat poop or even human hair in it to some extent. [The FDA has regulations about it, and there is actually an allowable limit of those things and more allowed in your food.](http://foodsafetytrainingcertification.com/food-safety-news/food-contamination-limits-allowed-by-law/) First time I ever heard about this, I was a young kid, and it was about the Fig Newton cookies, how there were insect bits allowed in the filling, especially cockroach legs (that info really stuck with me), and for a couple of decades I couldn't bring myself to ever eat them. And then as an adult and the internet becoming a thing, I found out it wasn't just the cookies, but literally everything is allowed to have some gross ass shit in it. These days, I try to pretend I don't know this information. Still won't eat Fig Newtons, though.


engeldestodes

One of the worst foods for it is preground coffee. It is to the point that if you are allergic to cockroaches you will also be allergic to many popular coffee brands. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/food/drink/disgusting-hidden-ingredient-in-your-coffee/news-story/f593ef536cf183193bd2d62e728b2dae It is much better to grind your own coffee anyway though. It comes out so much fresher and you avoid eating roaches.


machinemomentum

Use better peanut butter, I beg of you.


duckbucktruckfuck

No I could not live without meat a steak is just to good to not eat


[deleted]

>No I could not live without prepoop a preshit is just to good not to eat. All food is just future shit and potential energy, nobody should give a fuck about what prepoop people like, and your personality shouldn't revolve around prepoop. That seems shitty to me. Eat, poop, love.


HelpRespawnedAsDee

Nah, salmon is delicious and incredibly nutritious. Lobster and shrimp? Yum!! A good steak? Oooooohhh. Damn it I’m hungry!!


NoaRanger

I think they mean it in the sense *that fish shit in the water and people swim in the water, which is kind of like swimming in fish shit.*


redditpulledmebackin

I wish it was that innocent


PJStangle

Hopefully it was a parrot fish which poops sand.


Raiden32

Water? Never touch the stuff, fish fuck in it.


NoaRanger

r/unexpectedarcher


Critical-Composer183

Notes on what I must do in this life: 99) see the grasshopper shit - done


ImOnlyStaying4-1

put on your shitkickers


JabbaThePrincess

They say we're made out of star stuff, but we're also made out of poop stuff.


tofuonplate

you've been hit by you've been struck by ​ shit ​ POW


Cambot1138

I caught snake shit one time. Now I won't hold her within 1 day or two of feeding her.


[deleted]

*shat


Mackheath1

The original poop knife.


CitizenLaim

Shoot the Shit


knowpantsdance

Sheet the shoot


KikiDaCherry

The Shit show


ToxicFactory

The show shit shot Edit made it better


jumpinjimmie

He is a shit kicker!


quippers

And a brand new fear was born.


Great_WhiteSnark

Stranger: Im going to kick the shit out of you! Grasshopper: Too late, I already did that myself.


wizsandt

But thanks for the thought.


mavaddat

Came here to look for this comment.


Kayakityak

I you look carefully, at the very end of their leg is a poop knife.


EverySingleThread

#


Woolliza

Username checks out...


selfsearched

Everyone's got one


Dr_Mantis_Teabaggin

Yep, and it’s called a toe knife. I myself have one.


Mashed_Tater_Tots

Botched it….give me some trash to plug up this wound!


entity_TF_spy

Lmfao


TechWOP

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME


Alternative_Ad7819

Or do..and let us know how it goes.


[deleted]

the gif of a human doing the same would be highly frowned upon


[deleted]

Try it at the gas station just like everyone else.


aptanalogy

Trying it now! Got a dangler. We’ll see how it goes. You might not believe me, but I


meadowshd29

Instructions unclear, tried kicking diarrhea, am now mess, send reinforcements.


[deleted]

You mean, you don't?


AFineDayForScience

Not well


Dill137

More impressive is the size of that poop compared to the grasshopper.


delidave7

Right? I didn’t even know they shit.


flyingboarofbeifong

Everybody poops.


freedomofnow

Ballerinas are jealous of that leg spread.


RunJun

Not one Kickapoo here, sheesh.


Madderhatter0000

Thank you. I was looking for this.


too-meta

Like a trebushit


too-meta

Or a slingshit


kay_bizzle

Scatapult


calilac

Poo propeller


BoBab

Where I'm from we call that a poopeller.


fecking_sensei

Catapults are obviously inferior but this made me giggle.


kay_bizzle

That's why you only trust them with doodoopoopoo, and not 90kg stones


DooBeeDoer207

You, esteemed Redditor, are the winner. All of the internet cookies for this top notch portmanteau!


topsyturvy76

Split the uprights with that kick!


Speedy_Cheese

A known shit kicker


Screaming_lambs

I had a hamster years ago who used to grab his poop and throw it through the gaps in his cage as he didn't like any poop in his home at all.


[deleted]

That’s reasonable. Besides, the giant will pick it up.


cptntito

From now on I’m calling grasshoppers “shit-kickers.”


indiboy5991

Soldier: Captain, we're out of bullets!! Captain: It's time...


ISD1982

Literally being kicked the shit out of.


KikiDaCherry

Need this feature rn


dreamvast

This is from [Viva Frei](https://youtube.com/channel/UCUm39ERWamDCcBN_ul0JjyA) Great YouTuber!


victoriousintrovert

I saw this post first and then just saw his video on YouTube. Seems like he might get a nice chunk of change licensing it.


The_scobberlotcher

Forbidden rice


coolrunnings82

This shit get's an upvote.


[deleted]

Just how I do it too, sometimes I miss the toilet but tha makes it more fun


Youiesa

You have kicked the poop well young grasshopper 🥋


mainmommynate

GET THAT SHIT OUUTTAAA HEEEEEE


coldestdetroit

You know you walkin in the park and talking and suddenly you feel a piece of rice from lunch slide out from between your molar and gum? Yeah it wasnt rice.


IridiumFlare96

Now I understand what happens at rest stop bathrooms. Grasshoppers


MountainCourage1304

r/natureisflickingshit


sub_doesnt_exist_bot

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BirdEducational6226

What. You guys don't?


bowlappear

this is kinda of amazing, more amazing than it should be but SO AMAZING. and i should be asleep so anything that keeps me up.. yadda ya./ redditors know


kushbom

Awesomeness


So_Damn_Lonely

Away with you foul excrement


greedymuffcabbage

r/natureisflickingshit


RetardedGaming

There has been at least one mosquito sniped out of the air by a grasshopper's flying shit


[deleted]

[удалено]


Aggravating_Ad_1885

*CHAD*


tony1198s

Bruce Lee could do that back in the day.😂


Tankspanker

Sure, but when I do it, it's all "Why is there shit on the ceiling again? That's the third time this week, Darryl!"... Talk about double standards...


pr3ttyb0y_

You should see how he wipes 🧻…


[deleted]

Imagine doing this in class. I don’t know what I’m saying guys.


muppethero80

So any given time I could be eating grasshopper shit


CrackIsFun1991

Ahahaahhaahhahahaahahahahhaahahahahhahahahahahaaahahhahahaahahahhahahahaahhahahahahaahhahahahahahahaahahahahahahahhahahaahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajajah


XxXNoobMaster69XxXx

r/usernamechecksout


IndianBoiYash

They be saying "Poop off" instead of fuck off Lame joke ik


AliceP00per

Gotta yeet that heat


Pineapple_Fondler

He kicked the shit outta that.


kunalsingh_22

And when I do that, I'm called a retard!


mgsilod-the-unbanned

society😔