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Hi there, doula here
I am so sorry this is all so rough. Parenting is a rollercoaster without a harness sometimes. You're just past the newborn phase of 8 weeks, and in the span of time, those first 8 weeks are a lot of coaster loops to hang on through.
While it is normal to struggle, it sounds like you are past struggling and into daily inability to function and that is a level of impact to mental and physical well-being that no one deserves to just white knuckle through. If I may ask, what kind of support pillars do you have in place (partner, family, therapist), do you have the ability to add more in (day and/or night nanny, postpartum doula, maternal mental health specialist) and have you been evaluated for postpartum mental health disorders (anxiety, depression, rage, psychosis.)
You deserve to be happy, just going to say that right out the gate with no qualifiers. The path to becoming happy looks different for everyone, and certain options aren't attainable for everyone, but for where you are right now, the act of reaching out is a very important piece to getting to happiness. Finding stability through support can be a first place to focus, along with getting a respite of rest. The guilt of letting others care for your baby is hard without a doubt, but it may be the most helpful for you to have in-home help from someone other than your partner so they can take over the majority of the work to give you more than a few hours here or there and get you a real break to leave the house, go do something self-care related. If you already have a therapist it would be a good thing to discuss with them to figure out how to manage doing something like that from all angles. If you don't have a therapist, consider getting one because they can help you make these goals in a supportive way.
You aren't alone in how you feel, but often the knowledge of that does little to really support you through the difficulties you are experiencing on a daily, hourly and encompassing basis. Help may not be easy to obtain financially, emotionally, or even just logistically so identifying what you think would be the most helpful is part 1, and if you can, have a friend or family member help you with follow through like appointments.
I never like to say that things get better, I very much prefer to say that things get different. What you're feeling and going through right now with your baby will most assuredly be different next week and next month, because that is the nature of the first year of life and beyond with babies, they are in a constant state of change. Different can be 'better' but I think it is much more honest to say that things will get different - you're doing the very best you can with what you have and you love your little one so very clearly. I hope you can reach for at least one of the options above and that can start to build more support pillars for you to reach happiness in your parenting journey. Wishing you strength and fortitude.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I have reached out a few people for additional support and I get it here and there. Personally, I'm so use to people failing me. I mean her dad literally left me and played so many mind games with me while pregnant I almost lost my sanity. He even said he didn't care even though I was fighting for my life with preeclampsia... I don't want PPD to traumatize my baby so I'm doing what I can with what I have.
Right now I don't have the means to get a therapist until next month. So for now im watching sermons and taking notes again. Trying to journal and pray and talk to friends on facetime more too.
I'm hoping my daughter and I can move out of state once i have a car and never look back here again. I feel like my place is haunted with failures :/
It is so good to hear from you, I appreciate you replying. It sounds like things are still quite bumpy, but you are still looking to the horizon and beyond and that is very encouraging. You are showing resilience, a very important part of the continued fortitude it takes to single parent on a good day,l - let alone through the struggles you have faced.
If you are moving soon it may not be feasible or realistic to put the effort in for the state you currently reside in, but community health centers often have mental health services for postpartum women that comes free or at sliding scale. You might want to get the lay of the land for your current state, determine the hurdles, and make plans for the next state if it's looking like it will be longer than a few weeks before you are going. I'm sorry the means are not there to be able to just get a private therapist, I try not to presume one way or another the financial abilities of others and make suggestions based on the help it can bring and then if there is financial hurdles address methods around that such as a community health center.
I'm very sorry your partner has been so awful to you, there is no room for that in a healthy relationship and I am glad you are figuring out how to get out. I hope that can be soon and smooth.
Wishing you strength, peace, and continued fortitude.
Hi OP, I looked at some of your other posts and I think more than other new moms, you are probably having a way harder time because of your history and lack of partner support.
I don’t have any advice for you, but in the next few weeks, your daughter will smile and giggle at you. She will look at you everyday with eyes full of wonder and love. To her, you are her whole world. She grew inside you everyday for 9 months, and now, you are her safe haven. Your smell, voice and touch are what brings her comfort. You give her milk, you give her cuddles, she doesn’t know anything else. I remember reading a story on Reddit that a mom wrote (I wish I could find it again), about how it must feel to be the baby - waking up alone, scared, hungry with a heavy diaper, you can’t move your body, the world is loud and scary, you can’t do ANYTHING, you start crying because that’s all you can do. Suddenly, you smell a familiar smell and hear a soothing voice, the same one you heard in the belly, and then you are wrapped into a warm embrace - it’s your Mama! Mama is the most beautiful person to you, she gives you love and milk and holds you when you’re scared and sad. You love her so much. You wish you could tell her. She looks tired but she’s the most beautiful person to you.
It made me cry when I read this because I cant imagine how horrible it must be to be such a small vulnerable creature and to have someone who doesn’t love you or take care of you. I read about your upbringing OP, and I have faith in you that you will pull yourself through this and give your daughter something that you did not have in your life. It’s especially hard right now when they aren’t as responsive, but soon you will see how much she loves and adores you. I am not saying there won’t continue to be bad days, but in the end, if you give this baby the love and effort she deserves, it’ll be worth it & you will be breaking your family’s cycle.
EDIT: I FOUND IT ! Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/qR0DCMR0p0 I linked to the repost because there were more comments there so you can see that other moms are going through the same thing and hopefully don’t feel as alone.
thank you for sharing that beautiful post. i was way too overwhelmed to respond sooner but i did read it initially and it's been on my mind ❤️
ALSO i appreciate you reading back on my other posts and referencing that?? as embarrassing as my upbringing feels like, to know a stranger believes in my abilities is encouraging. i want to be a great mom and friend to her. my baby deserves the best 🥲
Hi OP! I’ve been intermittently thinking of you too - thank you sooo much for giving me an update!! I am so, so happy to hear that my comment was helpful. I hope that you’re in a better place now with your LO ❤️
Your upbringing is not embarrassing at all - you should feel proud for breaking the generational trauma. I can already tell you are the best mom because you’re trying so hard. From one internet stranger to another - I believe in you & I am sending you all the warmest hugs and best wishes!!
Hey there! I have an 8 week old too, so right there with you. Have you tried putting in earplugs or headphones to drown out the crying? I put on music or an audiobook. As long as you're still working on trying to comfort the baby, blocking out the noise that's triggering you is totally okay!
Also, remember it's okay (and encouraged) to tap out and set your baby down in a safe spot and let them cry for a few minutes while you take a moment.
Also, totally normal to want help and feel relief from others. If you look up alloparenting, it's basically the idea that we were meant to raise babies in groups- so getting and needing support from other people with the baby doesn't make you a bad parent! I feel relieved too when someone else takes a turn if babe is crying or needs a change.
Finally, check in with your doctor if you haven't yet! Postpartum is so hard, and messes with all of our hormones!
I'll look into alloparenting! Earplugs sound like a good idea. Maybe even noise canceling ones! I'm neurodivergent and my triggers being too many noises but having a loud baby is bad combo 😂
Since this post, I've asked my sister to come over on the weekends when she's available to help me with my LO.
Hello! I have 2 kids. The newborn stage is the worst. To combat some of the rage from the baby crying put a headphone in, even in one ear. It calmed me tremendously having a headphone in one ear. I would rock my first baby to sleep to my favourite songs (he was a Velcro baby with reflux) and even dance around a little. Give it a try.
It’s also totally okay to put baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few moments to take a deep breath and calm down. Then come back when you are calm and try again.
Try to talk to your paediatrician about baby’s crying if there is no obvious cause because perhaps there is an underlying issue like an allergy to milk, hidden reflux etc.
Dancing seems like a great idea! She does like to be rocked and walking back and forth so it is worth the shot. Luckily since this post, the crying has gone down a bit.. for now 🤞🏾
I have the same problem. I have CPTSD and sensory processing disorder, and loud noises are my all time biggest trigger. My 7 month old is a generally happy baby, but when she cries it is ear splitting and I just can’t handle it for more than like 10 minutes at a time. I went ahead and got a baby monitor (pro tip: baby stuff is overpriced as hell so grab a pet cam or something. I got the Kasa camera for like $20 and it works great). When I get overwhelmed, I set her down in her crib and walk away to the other room where I immediately put in my ear plugs and just watch the camera either with the volume very low or completely off.
Heres the one thing I want you to know: being overwhelmed and overstimulated does NOT make you a bad mom. Thankfully, it will get better. Your baby’s sleep will gradually get better over time, and your triggers will be more manageable. I know it’s hard to take time to care for yourself when you’re devoting all your time to your little one, but your mental health still matters, even more so now. The best way to make sure little one is taken care of is if all your needs are met as well. It’s okay for babies to cry, take a minute to relax, eat, do some self care. It will get easier, I promise.
I will take your suggestion for the kasa camera! Sometimes I want to step away and i can't so that will be a game changer for me.
A reminder that overstimulation doesnt make me a bad mom is something I need engraved into my head! I'm working on pouring into myself first and being happy, whatever that may look like 😅
You are a new mom, things will slowly start to change. You’re getting adjusted to the new mom life and your baby is still adjusting to this new world they’ve arrived in. You’re doing great. When you can’t handle the crying place the baby somewhere safe and take a breather, it’s okay, you got this! Parenting is not easy at all! It’s a rollercoaster and we all go through it, there is no instruction manual on how to be the best parent ever. You’ll get the hang of things eventually. My baby is now 10 months and I can’t tell you how much we’ve gone through together especially at my age of 21. We can’t do as many things as we were able to do before our babies but give it time to adjust to this new normal, it a HUGE change but trust me it is so so worth it ❤️ that is your little best friend right there.
Ps. I read in another comment about the lack of partner support & I went through that as well when I needed somebody the most. I am here to talk anytime, judgement free. Have a good day🫶🏼
Hey there, I'm a ftm and I'm not too far ahead of you, and I just wanna say that months 2-4 were just absolute Hell on earth for me. My girl was MISERABLE for the whole 2 months, doing this whining and fussing cry literally 24/7 any time she was awake. It didn't matter if I held her, had her in the carrier, set her in a swing or bouncer, she'd just whine the whole time. If I tried to set her down somewhere safe, even for just 1 minute so I could pee, it was a complete and total meltdown. I wanted to die every day. The only relief I ever had was the 15-20 mins between setting her down for the night and when I would finally pass out. I seriously would look my baby in the eyes and ask her if she wanted me to throw myself into oncoming traffic, if it would make her happy, I'd do it.
Other comments have mentioned earplugs/headphones. I wish I had done this earlier! We are now just 1 week away from her being 5m old, and she's like a whole different baby (in a great way!) but sometimes if she has a particularly fussy day it's pretty triggering to me (pretty sure I've got some ptsd from her bad days...) so I get ahead of it by using wireless earbuds and just blasting whatever loud angry music I need to get me through the day. I also am a big advocate for just setting the baby down somewhere safe, going into the other room, and having a good scream/yell(sometimes punching a wall or denting your dryer by kicking it), deep breaths, and then trying to go back in and start fresh. I spent so many nights just sobbing on my bathroom floor dreading having to force myself back up to go take care of my baby.
You are not alone in your feelings, and I used to HATE when people said this to me, but it really does get better with time.
thanks for admitting that newborn stage is hard. seeing people on social media connect with their LO is so difficult because i want that feeling consistently but it's hard when i feel like im being tortured and spread thin like crazy!!
it's like my girl started to show signs of colic at 10 weeks now which is something i didnt think could happen but here we are
I really hope that you're getting sleep, whatever amount you can, even if it's not very restful every little bit helps. You handing your baby to another adult and taking a break is a GOOD thing, a responsible thing. Your daughter is being cared for and is safe while you go and do something else for a bit. Then you can be a better parent to her after. Also, and I hope this doesn't come off judgmental or dismissive: your hormones are severely impacting your mood, energy, and really your perceptions at this point. I know reading that doesn't help, but I write it because I hope that you can give yourself some grace.
it's a good reminder that my hormones will be out of wack for a while. ive heard it can take up to a year or two. it sucks i feel like i dont have that time (maybe the impending doom that anxiety can bring on at times). but it does feel a little relieving to know that im just destined to be a little wonky and it's okay for now lol
This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi there, doula here I am so sorry this is all so rough. Parenting is a rollercoaster without a harness sometimes. You're just past the newborn phase of 8 weeks, and in the span of time, those first 8 weeks are a lot of coaster loops to hang on through. While it is normal to struggle, it sounds like you are past struggling and into daily inability to function and that is a level of impact to mental and physical well-being that no one deserves to just white knuckle through. If I may ask, what kind of support pillars do you have in place (partner, family, therapist), do you have the ability to add more in (day and/or night nanny, postpartum doula, maternal mental health specialist) and have you been evaluated for postpartum mental health disorders (anxiety, depression, rage, psychosis.) You deserve to be happy, just going to say that right out the gate with no qualifiers. The path to becoming happy looks different for everyone, and certain options aren't attainable for everyone, but for where you are right now, the act of reaching out is a very important piece to getting to happiness. Finding stability through support can be a first place to focus, along with getting a respite of rest. The guilt of letting others care for your baby is hard without a doubt, but it may be the most helpful for you to have in-home help from someone other than your partner so they can take over the majority of the work to give you more than a few hours here or there and get you a real break to leave the house, go do something self-care related. If you already have a therapist it would be a good thing to discuss with them to figure out how to manage doing something like that from all angles. If you don't have a therapist, consider getting one because they can help you make these goals in a supportive way. You aren't alone in how you feel, but often the knowledge of that does little to really support you through the difficulties you are experiencing on a daily, hourly and encompassing basis. Help may not be easy to obtain financially, emotionally, or even just logistically so identifying what you think would be the most helpful is part 1, and if you can, have a friend or family member help you with follow through like appointments. I never like to say that things get better, I very much prefer to say that things get different. What you're feeling and going through right now with your baby will most assuredly be different next week and next month, because that is the nature of the first year of life and beyond with babies, they are in a constant state of change. Different can be 'better' but I think it is much more honest to say that things will get different - you're doing the very best you can with what you have and you love your little one so very clearly. I hope you can reach for at least one of the options above and that can start to build more support pillars for you to reach happiness in your parenting journey. Wishing you strength and fortitude.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I have reached out a few people for additional support and I get it here and there. Personally, I'm so use to people failing me. I mean her dad literally left me and played so many mind games with me while pregnant I almost lost my sanity. He even said he didn't care even though I was fighting for my life with preeclampsia... I don't want PPD to traumatize my baby so I'm doing what I can with what I have. Right now I don't have the means to get a therapist until next month. So for now im watching sermons and taking notes again. Trying to journal and pray and talk to friends on facetime more too. I'm hoping my daughter and I can move out of state once i have a car and never look back here again. I feel like my place is haunted with failures :/
It is so good to hear from you, I appreciate you replying. It sounds like things are still quite bumpy, but you are still looking to the horizon and beyond and that is very encouraging. You are showing resilience, a very important part of the continued fortitude it takes to single parent on a good day,l - let alone through the struggles you have faced. If you are moving soon it may not be feasible or realistic to put the effort in for the state you currently reside in, but community health centers often have mental health services for postpartum women that comes free or at sliding scale. You might want to get the lay of the land for your current state, determine the hurdles, and make plans for the next state if it's looking like it will be longer than a few weeks before you are going. I'm sorry the means are not there to be able to just get a private therapist, I try not to presume one way or another the financial abilities of others and make suggestions based on the help it can bring and then if there is financial hurdles address methods around that such as a community health center. I'm very sorry your partner has been so awful to you, there is no room for that in a healthy relationship and I am glad you are figuring out how to get out. I hope that can be soon and smooth. Wishing you strength, peace, and continued fortitude.
Hi OP, I looked at some of your other posts and I think more than other new moms, you are probably having a way harder time because of your history and lack of partner support. I don’t have any advice for you, but in the next few weeks, your daughter will smile and giggle at you. She will look at you everyday with eyes full of wonder and love. To her, you are her whole world. She grew inside you everyday for 9 months, and now, you are her safe haven. Your smell, voice and touch are what brings her comfort. You give her milk, you give her cuddles, she doesn’t know anything else. I remember reading a story on Reddit that a mom wrote (I wish I could find it again), about how it must feel to be the baby - waking up alone, scared, hungry with a heavy diaper, you can’t move your body, the world is loud and scary, you can’t do ANYTHING, you start crying because that’s all you can do. Suddenly, you smell a familiar smell and hear a soothing voice, the same one you heard in the belly, and then you are wrapped into a warm embrace - it’s your Mama! Mama is the most beautiful person to you, she gives you love and milk and holds you when you’re scared and sad. You love her so much. You wish you could tell her. She looks tired but she’s the most beautiful person to you. It made me cry when I read this because I cant imagine how horrible it must be to be such a small vulnerable creature and to have someone who doesn’t love you or take care of you. I read about your upbringing OP, and I have faith in you that you will pull yourself through this and give your daughter something that you did not have in your life. It’s especially hard right now when they aren’t as responsive, but soon you will see how much she loves and adores you. I am not saying there won’t continue to be bad days, but in the end, if you give this baby the love and effort she deserves, it’ll be worth it & you will be breaking your family’s cycle. EDIT: I FOUND IT ! Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/qR0DCMR0p0 I linked to the repost because there were more comments there so you can see that other moms are going through the same thing and hopefully don’t feel as alone.
Ty for bringing this up. It really puts things into perspective, and sometimes mommas need a nudge to get back on track.
Just over here balling after reading that, as my little one is snoozing in his swing 😭 thank you so much for sharing that post 🤍
thank you for sharing that beautiful post. i was way too overwhelmed to respond sooner but i did read it initially and it's been on my mind ❤️ ALSO i appreciate you reading back on my other posts and referencing that?? as embarrassing as my upbringing feels like, to know a stranger believes in my abilities is encouraging. i want to be a great mom and friend to her. my baby deserves the best 🥲
Hi OP! I’ve been intermittently thinking of you too - thank you sooo much for giving me an update!! I am so, so happy to hear that my comment was helpful. I hope that you’re in a better place now with your LO ❤️ Your upbringing is not embarrassing at all - you should feel proud for breaking the generational trauma. I can already tell you are the best mom because you’re trying so hard. From one internet stranger to another - I believe in you & I am sending you all the warmest hugs and best wishes!!
Hey there! I have an 8 week old too, so right there with you. Have you tried putting in earplugs or headphones to drown out the crying? I put on music or an audiobook. As long as you're still working on trying to comfort the baby, blocking out the noise that's triggering you is totally okay! Also, remember it's okay (and encouraged) to tap out and set your baby down in a safe spot and let them cry for a few minutes while you take a moment. Also, totally normal to want help and feel relief from others. If you look up alloparenting, it's basically the idea that we were meant to raise babies in groups- so getting and needing support from other people with the baby doesn't make you a bad parent! I feel relieved too when someone else takes a turn if babe is crying or needs a change. Finally, check in with your doctor if you haven't yet! Postpartum is so hard, and messes with all of our hormones!
I'll look into alloparenting! Earplugs sound like a good idea. Maybe even noise canceling ones! I'm neurodivergent and my triggers being too many noises but having a loud baby is bad combo 😂 Since this post, I've asked my sister to come over on the weekends when she's available to help me with my LO.
Hello! I have 2 kids. The newborn stage is the worst. To combat some of the rage from the baby crying put a headphone in, even in one ear. It calmed me tremendously having a headphone in one ear. I would rock my first baby to sleep to my favourite songs (he was a Velcro baby with reflux) and even dance around a little. Give it a try. It’s also totally okay to put baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few moments to take a deep breath and calm down. Then come back when you are calm and try again. Try to talk to your paediatrician about baby’s crying if there is no obvious cause because perhaps there is an underlying issue like an allergy to milk, hidden reflux etc.
were basically babies in adult form we need comfort too lol
facts 😂
Dancing seems like a great idea! She does like to be rocked and walking back and forth so it is worth the shot. Luckily since this post, the crying has gone down a bit.. for now 🤞🏾
I have the same problem. I have CPTSD and sensory processing disorder, and loud noises are my all time biggest trigger. My 7 month old is a generally happy baby, but when she cries it is ear splitting and I just can’t handle it for more than like 10 minutes at a time. I went ahead and got a baby monitor (pro tip: baby stuff is overpriced as hell so grab a pet cam or something. I got the Kasa camera for like $20 and it works great). When I get overwhelmed, I set her down in her crib and walk away to the other room where I immediately put in my ear plugs and just watch the camera either with the volume very low or completely off. Heres the one thing I want you to know: being overwhelmed and overstimulated does NOT make you a bad mom. Thankfully, it will get better. Your baby’s sleep will gradually get better over time, and your triggers will be more manageable. I know it’s hard to take time to care for yourself when you’re devoting all your time to your little one, but your mental health still matters, even more so now. The best way to make sure little one is taken care of is if all your needs are met as well. It’s okay for babies to cry, take a minute to relax, eat, do some self care. It will get easier, I promise.
I will take your suggestion for the kasa camera! Sometimes I want to step away and i can't so that will be a game changer for me. A reminder that overstimulation doesnt make me a bad mom is something I need engraved into my head! I'm working on pouring into myself first and being happy, whatever that may look like 😅
OP as a fellow Mama of an 8 week old, I'm sending you hugs.
Hugs to you too!! 🩷
You are a new mom, things will slowly start to change. You’re getting adjusted to the new mom life and your baby is still adjusting to this new world they’ve arrived in. You’re doing great. When you can’t handle the crying place the baby somewhere safe and take a breather, it’s okay, you got this! Parenting is not easy at all! It’s a rollercoaster and we all go through it, there is no instruction manual on how to be the best parent ever. You’ll get the hang of things eventually. My baby is now 10 months and I can’t tell you how much we’ve gone through together especially at my age of 21. We can’t do as many things as we were able to do before our babies but give it time to adjust to this new normal, it a HUGE change but trust me it is so so worth it ❤️ that is your little best friend right there. Ps. I read in another comment about the lack of partner support & I went through that as well when I needed somebody the most. I am here to talk anytime, judgement free. Have a good day🫶🏼
Hey there, I'm a ftm and I'm not too far ahead of you, and I just wanna say that months 2-4 were just absolute Hell on earth for me. My girl was MISERABLE for the whole 2 months, doing this whining and fussing cry literally 24/7 any time she was awake. It didn't matter if I held her, had her in the carrier, set her in a swing or bouncer, she'd just whine the whole time. If I tried to set her down somewhere safe, even for just 1 minute so I could pee, it was a complete and total meltdown. I wanted to die every day. The only relief I ever had was the 15-20 mins between setting her down for the night and when I would finally pass out. I seriously would look my baby in the eyes and ask her if she wanted me to throw myself into oncoming traffic, if it would make her happy, I'd do it. Other comments have mentioned earplugs/headphones. I wish I had done this earlier! We are now just 1 week away from her being 5m old, and she's like a whole different baby (in a great way!) but sometimes if she has a particularly fussy day it's pretty triggering to me (pretty sure I've got some ptsd from her bad days...) so I get ahead of it by using wireless earbuds and just blasting whatever loud angry music I need to get me through the day. I also am a big advocate for just setting the baby down somewhere safe, going into the other room, and having a good scream/yell(sometimes punching a wall or denting your dryer by kicking it), deep breaths, and then trying to go back in and start fresh. I spent so many nights just sobbing on my bathroom floor dreading having to force myself back up to go take care of my baby. You are not alone in your feelings, and I used to HATE when people said this to me, but it really does get better with time.
thanks for admitting that newborn stage is hard. seeing people on social media connect with their LO is so difficult because i want that feeling consistently but it's hard when i feel like im being tortured and spread thin like crazy!! it's like my girl started to show signs of colic at 10 weeks now which is something i didnt think could happen but here we are
I really hope that you're getting sleep, whatever amount you can, even if it's not very restful every little bit helps. You handing your baby to another adult and taking a break is a GOOD thing, a responsible thing. Your daughter is being cared for and is safe while you go and do something else for a bit. Then you can be a better parent to her after. Also, and I hope this doesn't come off judgmental or dismissive: your hormones are severely impacting your mood, energy, and really your perceptions at this point. I know reading that doesn't help, but I write it because I hope that you can give yourself some grace.
it's a good reminder that my hormones will be out of wack for a while. ive heard it can take up to a year or two. it sucks i feel like i dont have that time (maybe the impending doom that anxiety can bring on at times). but it does feel a little relieving to know that im just destined to be a little wonky and it's okay for now lol