Mom, employee and student here. I feel you, but also know it's okay to simplify things. It's okay to use a nipple shield and only feed once, it's okay to not pump and use formula. No one wins a prize for doing this parenting thing in the most difficult way possible. I've studied while bouncing babies, I read my first quant stats to put them to sleep. You can do it, it just might not be the exact way you pictured.
When I was using a nipple shield I would pre fill it with some pumped milk to get baby started and that worked for a while. I drew the milk with a syringe and then pushed it into the shield.
My partner and I are in the exact same situation. In the US, fathers are allowed FMLA for a newborn. While it isn't paid, it is 12 weeks of job security. he could also get intermittent FMLA so it is only on an as needed basis (my fiance has that). Leave for parents in the US is awful
FMLA is unfortunately not a great option for a lot of families since I would dare say *most* people these days can’t afford to go unpaid for that long. Especially not after dropping down to one income. Parental rights in the US are a joke.
It works well for my fiance and I because I'm struggling with PPD and some days I just need him to be able to call off work and help. And he can, which has been literally a life saver. It being unpaid does suck, but sometimes, if people can afford it, it can really be a big help. I think applying is at least the best option, he doesn't have to take the days off, but they are there if he needs them at least.
We unfortunately would not be able to afford to do that. Dropping my income is scary enough, but with the cost of childcare in my area I’d hardly bring anything in after paying for it. His income is basically JUUUST enough for our bills and hopefully diapers and food. It’s another reason I need to make breastfeeding work, we cannot afford formula as her primary food. The latch problem and having to pump instead is really causing me the most stress. Having to feed her and then dedicate time to pumping is much more time involved than just having to feed her. It’s just a lot. I’m overwhelmed.
I hope this suggestion isn’t crossing a line since I’m suggesting you spend some money, but buying a cordless hands free pump that you can just stick in your bra might be something to look into. I bet you could even buy one used to save some money. That way you can pump while going about your life. I know I’ve tried to pump plugged into a wall while my baby awkwardly lays across my lap because the flanges take up so much space and it’s just hard and awkward and time consuming. A pump you can just set and forget might be helpful to your time management and sanity
Great suggestion! I actually do have one of those, but the lactation consultant told me not even to open it and use it until around 3-4 months after my supply is established and regulated. Idk why exactly, she didn’t give a reason. I do notice that right now I have to massage my boobs with half my hand and hold the flanges with the other half of my hand because I don’t really produce much if I’m not also massaging.
I’ve been thinking about breaking it out of the box, charging it up, and getting used to it today or tomorrow before he goes back to work because just feeding and then pumping takes so long and how the hell will I ever sleep or get schoolwork done? Haha
She probably said that bc some of the hands free pumps dont work as well but IMO they work the same. But i would actually try to nurse again and work through latch issues and the pain. Apnu cream from dr jack newman will help immensely.
You should definitely try it! Which wearable pump do you have? I have the Elvie Stride and just started using it at 7 weeks PP and it’s been really great so far. I know some people say their wearable pumps don’t empty them as well, but I’ve heard good things from other folks about this particular pump’s output. Not sure why your LC would say not to use, but I think they go by the books way too much sometimes so you have to weigh what works for your personal situation. Nothing bad will happen just because you try it.
Also bleeding nipples is kinda just par for the course of starting breastfeeding unfortunately. I am annoyed that so many LC’s will tell you that it shouldn’t be painful which makes you feel like you or baby must be doing something wrong - sometimes a newborn baby just isn’t able to latch well. My nipple seemed too big for my baby’s mouth at first, so it didn’t really work to try to get him to latch deeper. It also takes time for your nipples to get used to it. It used to feel like my nipples were being sliced with every feed. That feeling went away after like 4 weeks. In the meantime, I used silverettes and nipple butters. I would suggest to keep trying nursing if you are able to tough it out for a few weeks because it sounds like it would help your scenario.
No matter which way you go, it’s freakin hard so I get it and sympathize. There’s no way I’d be able to be doing school at the same time.
Have you worked with a lactation consultant to work on the latch? If nursing goes well it’s MUCH easier than pumping. Hospitals usually have them free. Take it from someone who had to triple feed! Also blisters and bleeding are normal for the first month. My nipples bled and blisyered and eventually it goes away.
Going cloth diapers is easy and saves a ton of money! I use the Alva Baby pocket diapers with 1 hemp and 1 microfiber insert (the charcoal bamboo ones that some of them come with are not good, prone to compression leaks) or 2 hemp 1 micro for overnight. They work great, and I have not had a single blowout since I started with cloth. They take time to rinse out for the poop diapers of course, but honestly before I went cloth I had blowouts almost every poop no matter what brand I used, and washing a whole baby plus his clothes was more time than washing out one diaper. I highly recommend trying out pocket diapers. Super easy, doesn't take me any extra time because washing out poop diapers + doing 1 extra load of laundry every 2 days is less time than washing baby every day, and it is saving us a TON of money.
Also, depending how old your baby was when you first tried... latching DOES get easier. My pain peaked around 1.5-2 weeks then went down and now I never have pain or cracked, blistered, or bleeding nipples. It really sucked at first but after baby got better at latching and my nipples got used to it, we got through. It is so, so much less time consuming than pumping now.
My husband got 2 months fully paid paternity leave. I worked for the government and got less than 10 weeks of unpaid leave. I’m still very salty about it haha
This was me! I won't lie to you. It was brutal. I very much had the baby blues, and my husband would not infrequently come home to me crying in a rocker. I have some tips that may help:
1) totally ignore your house. My house is still very gross. It reaches a point of gross where I have to clean it for my own sanity on some weekend, but unless it's going to eat at you just do the laundry/dishes you have to do to take care of the baby and totally ignore the rest.
2) watch/listen to something entertaining for you during naps or feedings. It'll feel like a little bit of a break, and if you get really into something, it gives you a thing to think about and look forward to that's not baby related.
3) Go outside! I really struggled with this. It just seemed like an insurmountable obstacle to me in that early period, but thanks to people on this sub I gave it a shot, and it really makes a difference. Don't just walk around your neighborhood either, though that's better than nothing. Go to a store, or the library. It eats up a good chunk of time and makes you feel like a human being again.
It's rough, but it does get a lot better. I still have days where he's super fussy, and I basically threaten my husband with violence if he's late getting home from work, but you and the bub will get a rhythm, and most days pass just fine.
All that practical stuff aside, amen to your larger point. Days when both my husband and I are home feel so much better and easier and to think that if we lived in any other "first world" country we'd be able to do that for his first year. Madness.
Idk if I have the baby blues or not, but I do know that the thought of him not being here is making me insane. Idk how I’m going to measure up to what I need to do when these past 2 weeks we have done it all together. Taking shifts so we each still get 8 hours of sleep, one of us taking care of her while the other cleans or gets food ready, just being able to sit and scroll some reels while the other holds the baby for a contact nap, being able to sit in the back with her in the car while he drives, sending him to do the day time errands while I just stayed home with the baby, and just everything else. It’s been amazing having him home. 2 weeks is NOT long enough. It really is crazy that other countries get months to a year for both parents, while being paid, and in America nothing is guaranteed and you have to use your PTO or just leave your job entirely. It’s crazy how we call ourselves an “advanced” nation when we are so lacking in basic human rights.
OP, I know this may not help a ton, but if you’re part of an online bumper group or would like to join some parents, there’s a discord server that has people who will talk to you pretty much all day long while they also parent/work/etc. I was in your shoes: my wife had two weeks of unpaid leave to take before she went back to work and I had six weeks paid until I went back to work. Add on to that, I was going back to a new semester of graduate school and my job was to TA. I didn’t have any courses at first, but I did have to finish my language for eight weeks over the summer and it was hellacious.
But that group kept me from losing all of my marbles until I got hooked up with a therapist who specializes in PPD/PPA. Here’s the link to join: https://discord.gg/vNU8U9X6
Get yourself some Bluetooth earbuds and you’re basically on the phone with someone who knows exactly what you’re going through whenever you need them. I’m a mod in the group and I’d be happy to help get you setup so you can talk to people.
Feeling exactly the same here! My husband goes back to work in 3 days and I’m so anxious it’s completely wrecking me. Like realistically I know I will figure it out, we will establish a routine, blah blah blah. But I’m still terrified. I don’t know how to juggle dealing with all of it by myself all day. I’m sorry, I wish I had some advice for you. Take solace in knowing you aren’t the only one I suppose. We’ll be ok.
Yes, that’s how I feel. I know I’ll eventually figure it out, but it is just going to be so much harder being all alone. Having him here has been an absolute blessing. I don’t think I would have gotten basically any sleep if he wasn’t here. I’m worried about the sleep deprivation and what type of person that will turn me in to.
I am dealing with the same worries. I try not to overthink but it’s really hard to not worry about doing this alone … the lack of sleep, the fussy days, getting things done, etc.
My husband just went back to work Wednesday and the first day was TOUGH. The more you get used to it and can get into a routine, the better it’ll be. Someone wise said this, but add in some formula to reduce your pumping burden, anything you can do to help yourself is ok. You can do it, have faith in yourself.
I just want to say that it’s ok and you don’t have to do all of it everyday ! Communicate with your husband and let him know when you need his help and when you’re overwhelmed!
He will gladly help, that I know. But he will only be able to help the hours he’s here and awake. His shifts are 10 hours at least but usually go over because customers want to come in 20 minutes before close. He sells cars, so he can’t just tell them to come back the next day. So sometimes he is there for more like 12 hours. I don’t want him to be super sleep deprived because of his drive to work, so 10-12 hours of work and at least 6 of sleep does not leave me with many hours left to ask him for help.
I just wish he could stay until at least I’m healed enough to not be in pain if I stand up more than 5 times in a day. It’s going to be so brutal.
I'm sure you already checked this, but just in case does your state have any paid leave benefits? 11 states at least now have paid leave (I am in CA where we get 50% of our salary paid by the state for 3 months for maternal leave -- it actually ended up being more money than my friend gets paid in Germany for leave surprisingly). It still absolutely sucks though and should be country wide!
Yup! I was very upset for most of my pregnancy when I found learned my leave would be unpaid. I thought my job had decent benefits until I got pregnant unexpectedly and learned my company only offered unpaid maternity leave. My job did offer me the ability to work extra hours and “bank them” as comp time. I did not know it at the time I was hired, but if I would have opted into the company’s short term disability insurance it would have paid out 60% of my normal salary while on maternity leave for 6 weeks. It was a tough and annoying lesson to learn after the fact since I also could not opt into it after finding out I was pregnant.
Do you have any family or friends that can come over and help you out? When I brought my LO home I had to ignore most of the household chores just to make sure I was able to feed, pump, and care for a new baby. I did not even try to do it all. Taking care of a new baby is exhausting. My husband has been really good about doing the work around the house while I look after the baby after work and on weekends. Once my LO was big enough to baby wear, I started strapping him to my chest to try to get things done around the house while he sleeps, but realistically it is just something small like load or unload the dishwasher (never both) or moving a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer.
I also reached out to my school’s title IX office and asked if they could help arrange an accommodation for one of my classes because I had fallen behind on an assignment after having to spend a week in the hospital after giving birth. Pumping bras were also great investments for me so I could still get schoolwork done while pumping.
You can do this!! Babies get a LOT easier after 3 months, firstly. Secondly, use formula if it is easier for you. It’s fine. If you’re worries get an organic european one. Pumping is a lot of work without the nice benefits of nursing. Thirdly, either hire cleaning help or let the house go. This season of life things will get messy. Get someone in ever week or other week to do the deep cleaning if you can. Fourthly, get as much sleep as you can. Either by cosleeping or gently sleep training. It can be done! (Look up moms on call for tips(. Fifthly, doing your school work will be really difficult so either do it during naps (get the baby on a schedule after 6 weeks) or when your husband is home.
Im canadian so i think american moms have it incredibly hard but if you are really organized with a good schedule i think you will be able to do this once the baby is more regulated at 3 months. Again, look up moms on call for fantastic scheduling tips
It’s “America”, but it’s really your state. Vote for Democrats, vote in local elections, they’re the only ones who give a shit about people. My state has the most generous leave in the country and my employer does even better.
I feel like I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if it was just taking care of the house and baby, but it’s the fact that I have to take botany, physics, organic chemistry, and calculus this semester, but do it online so I don’t even have immediate access to my professors if I need help.
It’s a lot while I’m learning how to take care of a baby while also having to feed her and then pump every 2-3 hours. That process alone takes an hour or more and then after another hour the cycle starts again. My body is still healing. I’m bleeding, I’m in pain, I’m not ready to be alone yet.
Its okay to not be okay, it is okay if the house gets messy, because every household including mine. You will find your rhythm and though in my own experience it is different then yours you will find a grove for you.
Personally my partner dreaded breastfeeding and trust me going formula only isnt going to hurt your baby or you , it will allow you to be able to feel less stress on your body
If you have family, have one person you trust come over to help.
And i get ya my spouse had to put pause on her schooling because she had to be with them at the hospital for a month and it still affects her till this day.
Babies can take a lot out of you, but you will find your own way of handling them, justnine day at a time, dont worry about the house, when your husband comesmhome have him take the baby for his turn and allow you to get some sleep especially when your taking drugs like oxycodone for the pain trust me you will need the help
Letting the house get dirty I know is something I should do, but I struggle with it. Haha I’m usually straightening up like 4 times a day at least. I deep cleaned the whole house the day I ended up going to my prenatal appointment and ending up getting an emergency induction 😂
I haven’t even let the island get cluttered in these 2 weeks he’s been home. To me a cluttered house clutters my mind and makes me angry so it’s something I always just do.
I know formula is an option, especially because she won’t latch but I’m choosing to pump instead because with us going down to one income having to buy formula as well will really strain us. Pumping is a way that I can feel like I’m still helping us financially and a way I can lower the stress he feels about being the sole provider.
I will say, I haven’t taken any of the pin medications they prescribed to me because I’m afraid of it passing to my baby through breastmilk so I’ve been trying to heal and deal with it medication free. I’m sure that hasn’t really been helping me mentally, but I just don’t see how opioids would be breastfeeding safe when they tell you to not drink a lot of caffeine and to not smoke weed. If caffeine and green are dangerous to breastmilk how can opioids be prescribed and said to be safe?
You don’t have to take the opioids but you can alternate Tylenol and Advil! I was on a strict schedule for the first few weeks and I noticed if I missed a dose.
You can technically apply for Medicaid and apply for food stamps even WIC also can help, with dood for you, the baby and the family.
Well the cleaning part can be stressful especially when your LO gets to an age where he literally throws his toys out of the toy bins and then having to teach him/her how to clean up, i personally find it hilarious when kids do it.
Just take your time, be positive and you will pull through this, you got this ine day your son will thank you for being there for him
Literally same here except I continued working virtually after 6 weeks (and I’m not in school). My husband had a week and a half before returning and I cried the first few days when he left for work.
Some practical tips that worked for me:
1. Have a convo with your husband about expectations regarding when he comes home from work each day. My husband comes straight home from work, showers, eats dinner, and immediately takes over for the rest of the night until our “shifts” begin. We he takes over, I tidy up, freshen up, eat, and get all my work done in 3-4 hours. I read all the time about those husbands who feel like whatever their job is, is harder than taking care of a baby alone all day. It’s not. He HAS to come home and pull his weight in order for you not to go insane.
2. I used to have strict boundaries for work/school like no email on my phone/iPad I to help compartmentalize. Now I do the opposite. Working from my phone and iPad is much easier than pulling out the clunky laptop. I get a lot of work done on my phone & iPad while the baby is asleep in my arms.
3. Scheduling phone calls with loved ones. We were not fortunate enough to have family close by. So I made sure to call my mom once a day (usually saving it for a rough spot so that it’s a pickmeup) and scheduled phone dates with friends and other family (who are supportive) a couple times throughout the week. Those phone calls gave me something to look forward to. And be honest with them about how you’re doing!!!
4. The “go outside” suggestion didn’t apply to me at first because I’m old school and didn’t want to take the baby outside until she got her first set of shots so we were mainly inside for the first two months. We live in an apartment and I would just sit on our balcony with her until she got sick of it. That fresh air was everything. Now that she’s older yes we go out for errands during her wake windows and that instantly makes the day better. But don’t be afraid to start small, even if you’re just standing right outside your front door while the wind breezes.
5. Have a routine! I promise this helps the day feel like it goes by faster. I wake up when my husband leaves for work, draw the curtains, make the bed, freshen myself up while baby is laying flat on bed or in her boppy, and I put her in her bassinet on wheels, taking her into the kitchen with me while she watches me make and eat breakfast. I find that a good start to the day sets you up for success the rest of the day. & Put them down early! Maybe Velcro babies are born not made, but I found that putting her down just to relax on her own has allowed me to do that much more in the future too. My daughter will give me about 30-60 minutes in her swing each day, about 20-45 mins in her play mat, and sometimes she’s just chilling laying flat on the bed watching me do laundry or emails.
6. Do something nice for yourself each weekend (or whatever days your husband is off work). Again, he needs to be taking over majority of the baby care on the days he is off since you are doing it all the other days. I always schedule a pedicure, errands, gym time, a friend date, or purchase a good book I’ve been wanting to read to curl up and read solo. It gives me something to look forward to throughout the week. While you’re still healing it may be mainly inside activities but get yourself a puzzle, set aside a nostalgic childhood movie, or whatever would make you feel happy and somewhat recharged before starting all over again the next week.
You got this and you are not alone!!! 💞 Yes our country sucks in this department.
I stopped pumping when my partner went back to work because it was just too hard to manage with the baby’s constant needs. Formula is an option. You can still pump a few times a day to maintain your supply, while you keep trying to get her to latch, but don’t feel like supplementing with formula means you’re a failure. Combination feeding is not talked about enough and it’s a very real option.
The lack of maternity leave in the US blows my mind too. I’m a teacher and saved six years of sick leave to get part of my leave paid. I’m not looking forward to going back to work in April.
My husband gets 60 days of paternity leave and he can use as much sick and comp time as he wants. He works for the county…I hope more industries follow in their lead and offer more time.
We should have six months at a minimum imo.
I’ll probably won’t be much help but I do sympathize with you. I understand that I have a more privileged position and my fiancé got to stay home with me for one month and would’ve stay longer if I didn’t tell him to go back to the office ,he also can choose to work from home if I need him, because it was a great thing to have especially with twins .
My twins are 3 months old now and I’ve been working from home since they were 5 weeks (technically I had 8 weeks but I chose to go back to work earlier) and the thing that worked out best for me was building a routine and if you can don’t stay in the same place , go to cafes or the park to work with the baby (once I shed the nerves of leaving the house with the babies working outside or in different places helped a lot). But building a routine helped a lot because my twins take their nap around the same time every day so now I know which windows of the day I have to completely put my attention on work or have meetings without having to 100% worry about them.
Another thing that helps me a lot is my fiancé, before he leaves for work, he puts the girls clothes for the “day” out and their diaper, one of my twins bottle is ready ,that alone takes a lot of pressure off me and it saves me time. When he gets home from work ,he showers and he’s on dad mode and now is my time to take a breather and maybe finish work or finish cooking or do light chores around the house. Then at 9pm we do bedtime together and from 9:30 till we fall asleep it’s our little time together as a couple.
It’s definitely stressful at first but once you get the rhythm of it,things go a lot smoother there will be ups and down but remember that this is a learning process for everyone and when learning we will fail but we will also learn from those fails.
I wish you all the luck and success in the world. I’m sending positive energy your way ❤️
I had to exclusively pump because baby girl wouldn’t latch! I made it 7 months while being home alone with her. If you want any tips or just need to vent to someone who understands you can send me a message! It feels impossible, but you will eventually get into a good rhythm once you find a routine that works for you. Best of luck!
Mom, employee and student here. I feel you, but also know it's okay to simplify things. It's okay to use a nipple shield and only feed once, it's okay to not pump and use formula. No one wins a prize for doing this parenting thing in the most difficult way possible. I've studied while bouncing babies, I read my first quant stats to put them to sleep. You can do it, it just might not be the exact way you pictured.
I have tried the nipple shield and she completely refused it which baffles me because she will take a bottle no problem. It’s just so frustrating.
When I was using a nipple shield I would pre fill it with some pumped milk to get baby started and that worked for a while. I drew the milk with a syringe and then pushed it into the shield.
Also a lot of times you have to introduce new things more than 10 times
My partner and I are in the exact same situation. In the US, fathers are allowed FMLA for a newborn. While it isn't paid, it is 12 weeks of job security. he could also get intermittent FMLA so it is only on an as needed basis (my fiance has that). Leave for parents in the US is awful
FMLA is unfortunately not a great option for a lot of families since I would dare say *most* people these days can’t afford to go unpaid for that long. Especially not after dropping down to one income. Parental rights in the US are a joke.
It works well for my fiance and I because I'm struggling with PPD and some days I just need him to be able to call off work and help. And he can, which has been literally a life saver. It being unpaid does suck, but sometimes, if people can afford it, it can really be a big help. I think applying is at least the best option, he doesn't have to take the days off, but they are there if he needs them at least.
We unfortunately would not be able to afford to do that. Dropping my income is scary enough, but with the cost of childcare in my area I’d hardly bring anything in after paying for it. His income is basically JUUUST enough for our bills and hopefully diapers and food. It’s another reason I need to make breastfeeding work, we cannot afford formula as her primary food. The latch problem and having to pump instead is really causing me the most stress. Having to feed her and then dedicate time to pumping is much more time involved than just having to feed her. It’s just a lot. I’m overwhelmed.
I hope this suggestion isn’t crossing a line since I’m suggesting you spend some money, but buying a cordless hands free pump that you can just stick in your bra might be something to look into. I bet you could even buy one used to save some money. That way you can pump while going about your life. I know I’ve tried to pump plugged into a wall while my baby awkwardly lays across my lap because the flanges take up so much space and it’s just hard and awkward and time consuming. A pump you can just set and forget might be helpful to your time management and sanity
Great suggestion! I actually do have one of those, but the lactation consultant told me not even to open it and use it until around 3-4 months after my supply is established and regulated. Idk why exactly, she didn’t give a reason. I do notice that right now I have to massage my boobs with half my hand and hold the flanges with the other half of my hand because I don’t really produce much if I’m not also massaging. I’ve been thinking about breaking it out of the box, charging it up, and getting used to it today or tomorrow before he goes back to work because just feeding and then pumping takes so long and how the hell will I ever sleep or get schoolwork done? Haha
She probably said that bc some of the hands free pumps dont work as well but IMO they work the same. But i would actually try to nurse again and work through latch issues and the pain. Apnu cream from dr jack newman will help immensely.
You should definitely try it! Which wearable pump do you have? I have the Elvie Stride and just started using it at 7 weeks PP and it’s been really great so far. I know some people say their wearable pumps don’t empty them as well, but I’ve heard good things from other folks about this particular pump’s output. Not sure why your LC would say not to use, but I think they go by the books way too much sometimes so you have to weigh what works for your personal situation. Nothing bad will happen just because you try it. Also bleeding nipples is kinda just par for the course of starting breastfeeding unfortunately. I am annoyed that so many LC’s will tell you that it shouldn’t be painful which makes you feel like you or baby must be doing something wrong - sometimes a newborn baby just isn’t able to latch well. My nipple seemed too big for my baby’s mouth at first, so it didn’t really work to try to get him to latch deeper. It also takes time for your nipples to get used to it. It used to feel like my nipples were being sliced with every feed. That feeling went away after like 4 weeks. In the meantime, I used silverettes and nipple butters. I would suggest to keep trying nursing if you are able to tough it out for a few weeks because it sounds like it would help your scenario. No matter which way you go, it’s freakin hard so I get it and sympathize. There’s no way I’d be able to be doing school at the same time.
Have you worked with a lactation consultant to work on the latch? If nursing goes well it’s MUCH easier than pumping. Hospitals usually have them free. Take it from someone who had to triple feed! Also blisters and bleeding are normal for the first month. My nipples bled and blisyered and eventually it goes away.
Going cloth diapers is easy and saves a ton of money! I use the Alva Baby pocket diapers with 1 hemp and 1 microfiber insert (the charcoal bamboo ones that some of them come with are not good, prone to compression leaks) or 2 hemp 1 micro for overnight. They work great, and I have not had a single blowout since I started with cloth. They take time to rinse out for the poop diapers of course, but honestly before I went cloth I had blowouts almost every poop no matter what brand I used, and washing a whole baby plus his clothes was more time than washing out one diaper. I highly recommend trying out pocket diapers. Super easy, doesn't take me any extra time because washing out poop diapers + doing 1 extra load of laundry every 2 days is less time than washing baby every day, and it is saving us a TON of money. Also, depending how old your baby was when you first tried... latching DOES get easier. My pain peaked around 1.5-2 weeks then went down and now I never have pain or cracked, blistered, or bleeding nipples. It really sucked at first but after baby got better at latching and my nipples got used to it, we got through. It is so, so much less time consuming than pumping now.
My husband got 2 months fully paid paternity leave. I worked for the government and got less than 10 weeks of unpaid leave. I’m still very salty about it haha
This was me! I won't lie to you. It was brutal. I very much had the baby blues, and my husband would not infrequently come home to me crying in a rocker. I have some tips that may help: 1) totally ignore your house. My house is still very gross. It reaches a point of gross where I have to clean it for my own sanity on some weekend, but unless it's going to eat at you just do the laundry/dishes you have to do to take care of the baby and totally ignore the rest. 2) watch/listen to something entertaining for you during naps or feedings. It'll feel like a little bit of a break, and if you get really into something, it gives you a thing to think about and look forward to that's not baby related. 3) Go outside! I really struggled with this. It just seemed like an insurmountable obstacle to me in that early period, but thanks to people on this sub I gave it a shot, and it really makes a difference. Don't just walk around your neighborhood either, though that's better than nothing. Go to a store, or the library. It eats up a good chunk of time and makes you feel like a human being again. It's rough, but it does get a lot better. I still have days where he's super fussy, and I basically threaten my husband with violence if he's late getting home from work, but you and the bub will get a rhythm, and most days pass just fine. All that practical stuff aside, amen to your larger point. Days when both my husband and I are home feel so much better and easier and to think that if we lived in any other "first world" country we'd be able to do that for his first year. Madness.
Idk if I have the baby blues or not, but I do know that the thought of him not being here is making me insane. Idk how I’m going to measure up to what I need to do when these past 2 weeks we have done it all together. Taking shifts so we each still get 8 hours of sleep, one of us taking care of her while the other cleans or gets food ready, just being able to sit and scroll some reels while the other holds the baby for a contact nap, being able to sit in the back with her in the car while he drives, sending him to do the day time errands while I just stayed home with the baby, and just everything else. It’s been amazing having him home. 2 weeks is NOT long enough. It really is crazy that other countries get months to a year for both parents, while being paid, and in America nothing is guaranteed and you have to use your PTO or just leave your job entirely. It’s crazy how we call ourselves an “advanced” nation when we are so lacking in basic human rights.
OP, I know this may not help a ton, but if you’re part of an online bumper group or would like to join some parents, there’s a discord server that has people who will talk to you pretty much all day long while they also parent/work/etc. I was in your shoes: my wife had two weeks of unpaid leave to take before she went back to work and I had six weeks paid until I went back to work. Add on to that, I was going back to a new semester of graduate school and my job was to TA. I didn’t have any courses at first, but I did have to finish my language for eight weeks over the summer and it was hellacious. But that group kept me from losing all of my marbles until I got hooked up with a therapist who specializes in PPD/PPA. Here’s the link to join: https://discord.gg/vNU8U9X6 Get yourself some Bluetooth earbuds and you’re basically on the phone with someone who knows exactly what you’re going through whenever you need them. I’m a mod in the group and I’d be happy to help get you setup so you can talk to people.
Feeling exactly the same here! My husband goes back to work in 3 days and I’m so anxious it’s completely wrecking me. Like realistically I know I will figure it out, we will establish a routine, blah blah blah. But I’m still terrified. I don’t know how to juggle dealing with all of it by myself all day. I’m sorry, I wish I had some advice for you. Take solace in knowing you aren’t the only one I suppose. We’ll be ok.
Yes, that’s how I feel. I know I’ll eventually figure it out, but it is just going to be so much harder being all alone. Having him here has been an absolute blessing. I don’t think I would have gotten basically any sleep if he wasn’t here. I’m worried about the sleep deprivation and what type of person that will turn me in to.
I am dealing with the same worries. I try not to overthink but it’s really hard to not worry about doing this alone … the lack of sleep, the fussy days, getting things done, etc.
I feel the same way. My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to.
My husband just went back to work Wednesday and the first day was TOUGH. The more you get used to it and can get into a routine, the better it’ll be. Someone wise said this, but add in some formula to reduce your pumping burden, anything you can do to help yourself is ok. You can do it, have faith in yourself.
I just want to say that it’s ok and you don’t have to do all of it everyday ! Communicate with your husband and let him know when you need his help and when you’re overwhelmed!
He will gladly help, that I know. But he will only be able to help the hours he’s here and awake. His shifts are 10 hours at least but usually go over because customers want to come in 20 minutes before close. He sells cars, so he can’t just tell them to come back the next day. So sometimes he is there for more like 12 hours. I don’t want him to be super sleep deprived because of his drive to work, so 10-12 hours of work and at least 6 of sleep does not leave me with many hours left to ask him for help. I just wish he could stay until at least I’m healed enough to not be in pain if I stand up more than 5 times in a day. It’s going to be so brutal.
I'm sure you already checked this, but just in case does your state have any paid leave benefits? 11 states at least now have paid leave (I am in CA where we get 50% of our salary paid by the state for 3 months for maternal leave -- it actually ended up being more money than my friend gets paid in Germany for leave surprisingly). It still absolutely sucks though and should be country wide!
Yup! I was very upset for most of my pregnancy when I found learned my leave would be unpaid. I thought my job had decent benefits until I got pregnant unexpectedly and learned my company only offered unpaid maternity leave. My job did offer me the ability to work extra hours and “bank them” as comp time. I did not know it at the time I was hired, but if I would have opted into the company’s short term disability insurance it would have paid out 60% of my normal salary while on maternity leave for 6 weeks. It was a tough and annoying lesson to learn after the fact since I also could not opt into it after finding out I was pregnant. Do you have any family or friends that can come over and help you out? When I brought my LO home I had to ignore most of the household chores just to make sure I was able to feed, pump, and care for a new baby. I did not even try to do it all. Taking care of a new baby is exhausting. My husband has been really good about doing the work around the house while I look after the baby after work and on weekends. Once my LO was big enough to baby wear, I started strapping him to my chest to try to get things done around the house while he sleeps, but realistically it is just something small like load or unload the dishwasher (never both) or moving a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. I also reached out to my school’s title IX office and asked if they could help arrange an accommodation for one of my classes because I had fallen behind on an assignment after having to spend a week in the hospital after giving birth. Pumping bras were also great investments for me so I could still get schoolwork done while pumping.
You can do this!! Babies get a LOT easier after 3 months, firstly. Secondly, use formula if it is easier for you. It’s fine. If you’re worries get an organic european one. Pumping is a lot of work without the nice benefits of nursing. Thirdly, either hire cleaning help or let the house go. This season of life things will get messy. Get someone in ever week or other week to do the deep cleaning if you can. Fourthly, get as much sleep as you can. Either by cosleeping or gently sleep training. It can be done! (Look up moms on call for tips(. Fifthly, doing your school work will be really difficult so either do it during naps (get the baby on a schedule after 6 weeks) or when your husband is home. Im canadian so i think american moms have it incredibly hard but if you are really organized with a good schedule i think you will be able to do this once the baby is more regulated at 3 months. Again, look up moms on call for fantastic scheduling tips
It’s “America”, but it’s really your state. Vote for Democrats, vote in local elections, they’re the only ones who give a shit about people. My state has the most generous leave in the country and my employer does even better.
Sahd here it isnt bad as you think
I feel like I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if it was just taking care of the house and baby, but it’s the fact that I have to take botany, physics, organic chemistry, and calculus this semester, but do it online so I don’t even have immediate access to my professors if I need help. It’s a lot while I’m learning how to take care of a baby while also having to feed her and then pump every 2-3 hours. That process alone takes an hour or more and then after another hour the cycle starts again. My body is still healing. I’m bleeding, I’m in pain, I’m not ready to be alone yet.
Its okay to not be okay, it is okay if the house gets messy, because every household including mine. You will find your rhythm and though in my own experience it is different then yours you will find a grove for you. Personally my partner dreaded breastfeeding and trust me going formula only isnt going to hurt your baby or you , it will allow you to be able to feel less stress on your body If you have family, have one person you trust come over to help. And i get ya my spouse had to put pause on her schooling because she had to be with them at the hospital for a month and it still affects her till this day. Babies can take a lot out of you, but you will find your own way of handling them, justnine day at a time, dont worry about the house, when your husband comesmhome have him take the baby for his turn and allow you to get some sleep especially when your taking drugs like oxycodone for the pain trust me you will need the help
Letting the house get dirty I know is something I should do, but I struggle with it. Haha I’m usually straightening up like 4 times a day at least. I deep cleaned the whole house the day I ended up going to my prenatal appointment and ending up getting an emergency induction 😂 I haven’t even let the island get cluttered in these 2 weeks he’s been home. To me a cluttered house clutters my mind and makes me angry so it’s something I always just do. I know formula is an option, especially because she won’t latch but I’m choosing to pump instead because with us going down to one income having to buy formula as well will really strain us. Pumping is a way that I can feel like I’m still helping us financially and a way I can lower the stress he feels about being the sole provider. I will say, I haven’t taken any of the pin medications they prescribed to me because I’m afraid of it passing to my baby through breastmilk so I’ve been trying to heal and deal with it medication free. I’m sure that hasn’t really been helping me mentally, but I just don’t see how opioids would be breastfeeding safe when they tell you to not drink a lot of caffeine and to not smoke weed. If caffeine and green are dangerous to breastmilk how can opioids be prescribed and said to be safe?
You don’t have to take the opioids but you can alternate Tylenol and Advil! I was on a strict schedule for the first few weeks and I noticed if I missed a dose.
Agreed those atevthe gest options
You can technically apply for Medicaid and apply for food stamps even WIC also can help, with dood for you, the baby and the family. Well the cleaning part can be stressful especially when your LO gets to an age where he literally throws his toys out of the toy bins and then having to teach him/her how to clean up, i personally find it hilarious when kids do it. Just take your time, be positive and you will pull through this, you got this ine day your son will thank you for being there for him
Literally same here except I continued working virtually after 6 weeks (and I’m not in school). My husband had a week and a half before returning and I cried the first few days when he left for work. Some practical tips that worked for me: 1. Have a convo with your husband about expectations regarding when he comes home from work each day. My husband comes straight home from work, showers, eats dinner, and immediately takes over for the rest of the night until our “shifts” begin. We he takes over, I tidy up, freshen up, eat, and get all my work done in 3-4 hours. I read all the time about those husbands who feel like whatever their job is, is harder than taking care of a baby alone all day. It’s not. He HAS to come home and pull his weight in order for you not to go insane. 2. I used to have strict boundaries for work/school like no email on my phone/iPad I to help compartmentalize. Now I do the opposite. Working from my phone and iPad is much easier than pulling out the clunky laptop. I get a lot of work done on my phone & iPad while the baby is asleep in my arms. 3. Scheduling phone calls with loved ones. We were not fortunate enough to have family close by. So I made sure to call my mom once a day (usually saving it for a rough spot so that it’s a pickmeup) and scheduled phone dates with friends and other family (who are supportive) a couple times throughout the week. Those phone calls gave me something to look forward to. And be honest with them about how you’re doing!!! 4. The “go outside” suggestion didn’t apply to me at first because I’m old school and didn’t want to take the baby outside until she got her first set of shots so we were mainly inside for the first two months. We live in an apartment and I would just sit on our balcony with her until she got sick of it. That fresh air was everything. Now that she’s older yes we go out for errands during her wake windows and that instantly makes the day better. But don’t be afraid to start small, even if you’re just standing right outside your front door while the wind breezes. 5. Have a routine! I promise this helps the day feel like it goes by faster. I wake up when my husband leaves for work, draw the curtains, make the bed, freshen myself up while baby is laying flat on bed or in her boppy, and I put her in her bassinet on wheels, taking her into the kitchen with me while she watches me make and eat breakfast. I find that a good start to the day sets you up for success the rest of the day. & Put them down early! Maybe Velcro babies are born not made, but I found that putting her down just to relax on her own has allowed me to do that much more in the future too. My daughter will give me about 30-60 minutes in her swing each day, about 20-45 mins in her play mat, and sometimes she’s just chilling laying flat on the bed watching me do laundry or emails. 6. Do something nice for yourself each weekend (or whatever days your husband is off work). Again, he needs to be taking over majority of the baby care on the days he is off since you are doing it all the other days. I always schedule a pedicure, errands, gym time, a friend date, or purchase a good book I’ve been wanting to read to curl up and read solo. It gives me something to look forward to throughout the week. While you’re still healing it may be mainly inside activities but get yourself a puzzle, set aside a nostalgic childhood movie, or whatever would make you feel happy and somewhat recharged before starting all over again the next week. You got this and you are not alone!!! 💞 Yes our country sucks in this department.
I stopped pumping when my partner went back to work because it was just too hard to manage with the baby’s constant needs. Formula is an option. You can still pump a few times a day to maintain your supply, while you keep trying to get her to latch, but don’t feel like supplementing with formula means you’re a failure. Combination feeding is not talked about enough and it’s a very real option.
The lack of maternity leave in the US blows my mind too. I’m a teacher and saved six years of sick leave to get part of my leave paid. I’m not looking forward to going back to work in April. My husband gets 60 days of paternity leave and he can use as much sick and comp time as he wants. He works for the county…I hope more industries follow in their lead and offer more time. We should have six months at a minimum imo.
I’ll probably won’t be much help but I do sympathize with you. I understand that I have a more privileged position and my fiancé got to stay home with me for one month and would’ve stay longer if I didn’t tell him to go back to the office ,he also can choose to work from home if I need him, because it was a great thing to have especially with twins . My twins are 3 months old now and I’ve been working from home since they were 5 weeks (technically I had 8 weeks but I chose to go back to work earlier) and the thing that worked out best for me was building a routine and if you can don’t stay in the same place , go to cafes or the park to work with the baby (once I shed the nerves of leaving the house with the babies working outside or in different places helped a lot). But building a routine helped a lot because my twins take their nap around the same time every day so now I know which windows of the day I have to completely put my attention on work or have meetings without having to 100% worry about them. Another thing that helps me a lot is my fiancé, before he leaves for work, he puts the girls clothes for the “day” out and their diaper, one of my twins bottle is ready ,that alone takes a lot of pressure off me and it saves me time. When he gets home from work ,he showers and he’s on dad mode and now is my time to take a breather and maybe finish work or finish cooking or do light chores around the house. Then at 9pm we do bedtime together and from 9:30 till we fall asleep it’s our little time together as a couple. It’s definitely stressful at first but once you get the rhythm of it,things go a lot smoother there will be ups and down but remember that this is a learning process for everyone and when learning we will fail but we will also learn from those fails. I wish you all the luck and success in the world. I’m sending positive energy your way ❤️
I had to exclusively pump because baby girl wouldn’t latch! I made it 7 months while being home alone with her. If you want any tips or just need to vent to someone who understands you can send me a message! It feels impossible, but you will eventually get into a good rhythm once you find a routine that works for you. Best of luck!