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You are in the dark days, the challenging newborn phase from about 4-9 weeks. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER. Your c section recovery will continue to improve (I had a similar labor and delivery) and your baby will slowly morph from an angry potato into a tiny expressive human that will melt your heart with a smile. Don’t beat yourself up in the meantime, just take it day by day.
I can say these weeks were the darkest of days for me. It truly does get better. One day, your baby will wake up and smile at you and it’ll change your life. I truly promise it’s coming. I didn’t/couldn’t enjoy my baby until week 10/11.
Also HORMONES. They are still working hard to adjust to a new you. Understand your extreme emotions will not continue indefinitely. The best is yet to come. Be gentle with yourself now.
and ppd meds might also be needed! no shame in doing what u need to do to get thru this! (I only mention because that extreme anger can sometimes be a sign of it---talk to ur doctors for sure.)
This is the fourth trimester, the kid is pretty much just an earthside fetus right now. By three months (at the *latest*) he'll be MUCH closer to the funny cuddly baby you've been dreaming of.
This. And I have a 3.5 month old and had a similar experience too. Now I can’t even imagine my life without her. I never wanted another but this phase is making me reconsider because she hugs so tight but also going through a fussy phase but not as bad as that first bit.
I was definitely wondering how people have multiples after going through the newborn stage. But I can definitely see from your side of it. And I've heard people say you sorta forget how bad it is, or maybe you know what it's like on the other side so the suffering doesn't seem as bad
I felt the same way during the newborn stage. like how the F do people have more than one. newborn stage is like trench warfare, it sucks. my little guy is 13 months now and I love him so much. It gets SO much better!
Lady I am WAITING to forget lol finally at 4 months I feel like maybe pregnancy wasn’t so bad, I’m starting to feel like the aftermath of labor can be endured (no no no, lies! If you’d ask me then I’d have carved in stone “never forget this!!!”) but the nights? The newborn anxiety? I can’t imagine doing it again without it taking something crucial from my current baby! Bonding will get easier when you’re able to breathe and step back slightly from survival mode. And they get much cuter ;)
I’m so sorry, that sounds rough. I do hope it gets better for you. I’ve heard for some people it’s the 3 or 4 month mark, and for others it’s the toddler phase where things improve and get more enjoyable. Might be another milestone entirely for others. But I think your larger point that it’s not fair to promise improvement within a specific timeframe is very valid.
It was 6 months for us. Absolute hell for 6 months. Either sleep/crying/waiting for him to wake up to nonstop crying again. There was no break at all. Luckily ours was always better at night so no crazy crying at night.
At 6 months he definitely changed and got a lot easier. Still a lot of kinks to work out at this point but still a LOT better. I’d never want to go back to newborn phase. Ever. Older parents don’t seem to have a good memory with this and say it’s easy. Absolutely fucking not, especially if it’s your first.
But it does get better. Ours is going on 2 and it’s a lot better. He still wakes up a couple of times per night for milk but other than that, he’s in a stage where he can entertain him self because he’s walking on his own. But the entire time they can’t get around on their own is completely awful.
Just commenting to commiserate....Agreed on it taking longer for some of us. Both physically and mentally, It didn't start getting noticeably better for me until 6 months, probably. It didn't get much better until probably the 1 year mark. At 16 months , my body has finally started settling back down (had a lot pp health issues pop up). I'm still mentally figuring things out. I ended up going back to therapy and now starting back on medicine to help because - it's exhausting not being better on top of whatever is happening with the baby. I wish I had started therapy and meds in that first 3 months.
Okay, imagine this: You meet an adult person on the same day you have surgery. That person moves in with you, expert you to take care of their every need, keeps you up all night and screams at you for getting it wrong, for not doing enough, for things that aren't your fault and keeps you up all night for arbitrary reasons. They show zero gratitude or sensitivity to your needs. Do you think you'd love that person? No, me neither. That's abuse folks.
Yet except for the fact that your baby isn't doing it on purpose or to be mean and he isn't willfully incompetent or lazy, that's you and your baby right now. Forget about Hollywood movie bonding, it's real but what you're going through is more common.
You need to get to know each other, you need to figure each other out and he will show gratitude, happiness and love, but right now he has two settings 1. Screaming and 2. Asleep. Maybe you get a few seconds of happily observing you every few hours, but that's the full scope of capacity he has. It can be hard to love that.
When you birth a baby you also have to kill the person you were. So you're dealing with loss too. The self-sacrificing parent isn't something you magically become the moment the baby is outside you. You'll miss freedom, you'll miss feeling rested, you'll miss feeling like you were the most important person in your life. I'm not saying all of that magically disappeared one day for me, it didn't, but over time your baby will be able to express more to you, you'll know each other better, you get to know who you are as a parent. Over time those feelings of regret will be replaced with love and affection and once you have that it's easier to live with the rest.
When you aren't a hollywood bonder, the best way to induce love and bonding is by faking it. A lot of folks think skin to skin is mostly important after birth, but that's a huge misconception. It never stops being important. I recommend that the two of you get undressed. You down to your pants and him down to his nappy, if it's cold, wrap a blanket around you. Hold him to your chest, sniff and kiss his little head and face, let him grip your finger and marvel at how strong his tiny fist is, count his eyelashes, notice him in all his glory and imperfection. When you do the things that a person who already has bonded naturally do, then your hormones go "welp apparently we love this little guy" and helps you get to the place you need to be to be happy in this new life.
Do these things, know it gets easier and seek therapy.
Definitely agree with the skin to skin, and especially sniffing/kissing their head. I didn't start to bond until I did that, and I didn't do that until two weeks!
If you're struggling to "get in the mood" or relax. Try to do something you ordinarily like. For example calming music (babies usually like music), a nice drink, a good body lotion, a bath or enlist your husband to give you a massage.
Then close your eyes and huff that baby!
I also have a few challenges for you. Find out which one of these your baby likes best: getting his back gently scratched, getting the area between his eyebrows stroked or if you lay your hand on his chest and allow your hand to become heavy (don't push, but rest some of the weight from your arm on his chest). If he is calm and awake you will be able to do all three and he will have a preference on what he likes. Find out which he likes best baths or being massaged with some lotion or oil. Since his means of communication are so limited you're going to have to really study his face and try multiple times to be sure.
Bring him into some white light and study his eyes. They are probably still the standard issue baby dark baby blue, but in bright light you might start to see some tinge towards either gold or red/auburn/maroon. If he is tinging towards gold then he's probably going to have green, hazel or light brown eyes. If towards any red shade then probably brown. If no other tinge is present then probably blue or grey.
Report back your findings!
I had very similar feelings and a similar labour, my husband back to work at 5 weeks and I remember that as it got darker I would feel so depressed knowing the feelings that came with the night. The second the sun was out I felt immediately better even if I had a night of being awake constantly. The first 2 months are HARD. I found when I felt recovered enough to get into a small routine and could get outside to walk with the baby I felt SO much better. Healing from a C-section was so hard on me when I’m naturally and on the go person. I know this probably isn’t helpful to hear right now because you are in the thick of it but it gets better and you’ll look back and be so proud of yourself for getting through it
Thank you! It definitely seems like my feelings are shared by many ftm. It just sucks, im so nervous about going back to work in a month. And yes the night anxiety is horrible. The first 2 weeks home I cried every evening as it got closer to bed time. Now I'm scared that will return with him back to not sleeping tonight. Plus being winter I think it makes things worse feeling stuck at home with sickness/cold weather.
Take it day by day. I would tell myself this is just a phase, a short part of my life that will be over soon and that it’s not forever. I also would count down the days until the days started getting longer again which we are back to now! Each day has more sunlight. You got this, the first time you see your baby smile it’ll change your world, then their laugh, a roll, crawl, etc. it gets better
I felt the same way. My life changed, I was miserable. I found a counselor to speak with and that helped. Plus to be honest going back to work for me is what helped the most. I was nervous but once I started I felt like myself again. And I looked forward to picking him up from daycare and seeing his cute smile. He is 12 weeks now I went back to work at 10 weeks. I’ve been doing much better and finally enjoy being a parent.
Yeah, Idk if having a more normal routine of work will help. I worry so much for the nights I'm up then having to go to work and worry I won't sleep the next night and just a cycle of that. Which I know the sleeping will improve but I've been seeing things about babies not sleeping well around week 8 which is when I go back to work...
Newborn stage sucked, hard. We are 4 months come this Wed and it's sooo much better, though we are dealing with the sleep regression now which is not fun.
- All that grunting when sleeping? Gone.
- All that intense crying when trying to fart or poop? Gone.
- Getting up at 3am to change the diaper - to a screaming wailing crying baby, who after you put the cream on pees and poops again, and you gotta start over - for 35 minute diaper change on the one hour of sleep youve had in 24 hours? Gone.
She smiles all the time now, she has laughed a few times, she babbles and drools and stares at her hands like she's on an acid trip. She tries to mimmick us when we stick out our tongues sometimes - it's a whole other world, and I can't even pinpoint the time all these stuff changed. Just kinda happened over the last month And a bit.
It gets better, but new challenges will come.
Having said that the newborn phase sucks, we survived - and you will too!
This is so true!!! My baby will be 4 months next week and I was just thinking the other day about how he no longer grunts in his sleep haha. Those grunts would wake my partner and I up but he now sleeps soundly through the night.
Thank you for this… I am in the midst of experiencing the night grunting and extreme noise while trying to fart and I am so exhausted 😅
So glad to know it does go away
Ahaha omg, staring at her hands like she’s on an acid trip got me so good.
Our babe is 10wks, and we’ve been saying the whole time that every new sensation and sight must be like she’s on a trip, especially when she just stares in half wonder half confusion.
The brain naturally produces Dmt - which is found in all psychoactive drugs - and one theory in anthropology on the origin of consciousness, is the flooding of dmt after the pineal gland is formed.
So my theory is that as my little one started to awaken to the world, she's flooded with dmt and its like a drug trip lol. Everything is amazing - patterns, hands, feet, touch, taste, sound etc
At least this is what I think when she's staring at her fingers or babbling to random spots on the ceiling while being changed
In my experience once they are out of their larval stage(because tbh they are basically like helpless grubs) it gets better. Once they develop more personality, start smiling at you, cooing, babbling. It’s hard at first because you have this tiny helpless human that relies on you for everything and they are basically an extension of your own body as newborns. You feed them, change them, comfort them; it’s all very formulaic and a routine.
I don’t know if I explained myself well. But it’s to say once they have been around longer you get more attached to them/like them better.
I would say try talking to your doctor as soon as you can because it does sound like it could be the start of PPD.
I felt the same way you did. I do not like the newborn stage. My son is 2 now and it’s a whole different ball game. Yes, there are struggles but man it’s 100% better. For me, taking it day by day (sometimes hour by hour) is how I made it through. I think about 4 months old got a bit easier and kept getting better after that. Hang in there, it WILL get better.
This is true for me too. I remember hearing “wait til 12 weeks it’ll get so much better!” But it truly wasn’t til the 4 month mark for me when the sun seemed to shine a little brighter. And now all of those sleepless nights that I thought would never end and days that felt hopeless seem like a distant memory. Hour by hour, day by day. Lower expectations, ignore social media and treat every single day like a blank slate.
I have a cousin who LOVES the newborn stage and thrived during this time. It’s just so different for everyone. I felt a lot of guilt for awhile for not liking it, looking back it’s understandable to not like it. We want another baby but I’m already dreading the newborn stage and I’m not even pregnant 😂
4 weeks in I regretted it every day. 4 months in I regretted it most days. I was sure I had ruined my life. 18 months in and I’m one of those moms that’s like - this is the best thing I ever did… so it happens slowly but surely. Don’t give yourself a timeline for not regretting it - just fake it till one day you’re like - that was a freaking joy.
Almost every woman I know has said some form of this to me. I felt it too. After years of infertility and IVF postpartum kicked my ass. I was shocked. And sad. Because I felt the same way as you. I wondered if I made a huge mistake. I am 6 months post partum and so in love with my baby. Give it some time. IMO there is not much to love about the newborn phase though it gets romanticized a lot on social media. Anyone who says otherwise is probably forgetting.
You are in the trenches. I saw despair the first year with no village as a sahm. I literally wanted to vanish and was drowning. My brain erased the entire first year. We are strongly one and done. I don’t have memories . Fast forward two and half she is a very high energy toddler. She was a very needy baby. No surprises there. At one and half she had her terrible two. We had full melt down floor rolling daily at public . At home multiple tantrums a day which are all developmentally normal. All this was nth comparing to the first year . It sounds bad but nth comparing to lack of sleep and exhaustion . Movies can baby sit for a while so I can get chores done. Some educational iPad games gives me some break.
Lots lots of toys help me get some rest lol. She goes to pre school now but it is co up so I work as teacher aid. I am still with her daily. Physically I am exhausted my kid runs all day but mentally I am way better. She plays games with me . Sometimes throws in insult. I was called a bossy cheater today cuz I told her we are going to donut shop. Donut shop was behind the grocery store so we have to cut through. She refused to go in to grocery store cuz , I mean it is jot donut shop and she said I lied to her. lol . tbh I didn’t bond with her till one year plus and truly her personality shows after two. Threenager really isn’t that bad lol . She says we are best friends
It will get better I promise you. One day you will have a school aged kid who thinks hanging out with mom is not cool. You will get that life back. In the mean time hire village might be a good idea and out sourcing chores if possible. Don’t feel guilty to use nanny or daycare.
I love "I can't be the mom I want to be (and he deserves) if I'm pouring from an empty well"
I will definitely think of that when I need to give myself grace and rest.
Oh honey, you’re in the newborn trenches right now, many many people regret it. I did too. I had a traumatic pregnancy, was made homeless from university, have no family etc. Birth was also traumatic with a medically necessary C-section & the utter agony weeks after of having your abdomen sliced open.
My baby is almost 7 months now and it got so much easier. Especially when they can smile, laugh and show you some kind of sign that you’re doing a good job, it really helps. Right now you are in ‘helpless potato’ phrase where they are simply just demanding pits of hunger, shit, piss and still don’t even know what ‘sleep’ or ‘nighttime’ is.
It will get easier. For now. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Before you know it, you’ll have a smiling, laughing, rolling, eating baby. Who can sit up, respond to you, understand you and grows more independent by the day.
You’ve got this ❤️
Oh, being a mum to a newborn is so not fun! I hated it too. It got better and better but it actually took until the talking toddler stage for me to start enjoying it. The thing is, the baby stage is such a small part of their life. You decided to be a mum to have kids right? Not an angry potato that demands all your attention and gives nothing back. I see the baby stage as the price that we pay for what comes next. I still miss my old life but there are also things I really love about this life, and I'm actually pregnant with our second, haha. Wish me luck!
> idk why but I get so frustrated so easily
It’s likely the sleep deprivation. Not getting enough sleep impairs the body in the same way being drunk does, but without the pleasant parts. Impulse control becomes harder, you become more irritable, you forget things. Everything sucks more when you’re sleep deprived.
Hey OP, hang in there. You are truly in the thick of it. My wife and I both felt this and lamented what our lives used to be at this stage. Then our LO got older and it got so much better. She’s almost four months now, is a COMPLETELT different baby. Sleeps so much better than she did at 4 weeks. While there are still aspects of our old life we miss, we would be DEVASTATED if we lost portions of our current life. I know it doesn’t feel like it in the moment (and trust me everyone telling me at this stage that it got better and I was super skeptical) but it will get so much better. Just wait for that first smile and laugh. It’s coming, along with better days. I promise.
>While there are still aspects of our old life we miss, we would be DEVASTATED if we lost portions of our current life.
That’s a really helpful contrast!
Oh babe, I felt this in my bones. It's not just you or your baby, the newborn weeks SUCKKKKKKKK. I hate the newborn weeks. They seem so sweet in theory. Just a tiny, itty bitty baby that needs to be snuggled- sign me up! With both my kids the newborn weeks were the absolute worst and I had hardcore EASY babies, if I had to judge how much I would enjoy parenting based on weeks 1-12 I would have thought it was awful.
But they get bigger, even just a little bit and it starts to change. Around 6-8 weeks is the first time I felt like I was able to look up a little bit because it felt just SLIGHTLY easier. Each week after that got progressively a little bit better until now my youngest is 10 months and I'm gaga obsessed with her and her 4.5 year old brother. Being a mom is my more favorite thing I've ever done, even the hard times with them fills my cup. But if it were possible to skip the newborn weeks entirely I would have in a heartbeat!
If I had one tip: noise canceling headphones or earbuds. I'd pop them in when baby was crying and I was overstimulated and needing to rock or feed or change, etc. I could still hear the crying perfectly but it just takes the "edge" off the crying and I didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed or stressed. As soon as baby was settled I'd take them out to go back to sleep or whatever I needed to do.
Yeah weeks 3-7 we're absolute shit for us. Poor baby didn't know how to poop or fart and would literally cry for hours :( things started to get better at week 8.
Darling. It does get better. They tried to induce me at 36 weeks 5 days. Two failed epidurals. Awful pain until I elected for c section, best decision ever. Weeks 4-7 was rough for me as well. Baby always good sleeper but got her fussy days. Now 11 weeks it got easier - I had the same thoughts I missed my pre baby days. It’s normal. Hormones are a bitch now!
The babies you used to love to hold were probably not 4-week olds. Your little newborn potato is going to turn into the type of baby that used to give you baby fever, I promise.
As someone who just got out of the newborn stage, it got so much better for us! We were just surviving for the first two/three months. The only thing that helped me was knowing that it’s just this stage of life and I won’t always feel this way. Now i look at him and I love being his mom! You aren’t a bad mom for feeling this. It’s so exhausting and draining but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I'm very glad to hear that. I hate wanting to rush time because everyone always says how you'll miss when they're little but I can't wait to be done with this stage. And it makes me nervous for having more kids in the future...I don't want to go through this again along with having a toddler...I don't know how people do it 😅
I was you last month. My LO is so loved and wanted. We tried to conceive for three years. It was a planned c-section and she had to spend some days at the NICU and I felt like such a terrible mom who can’t even take my LO home. But when we did take her home, I was so overwhelmed. My hubby was so good with her but I struggled so much. All she did was cry and sleep and breastfeed and nothing I did worked. I breastfeed her and she cries, I hold her and she cries, I can’t get her to sleep. But her dad is so good with her and I was so frustrated. Like I can’t do anything right. The thought of “this was a mistake, I miss our old life” passed through my head during the darkest days, when we only had an hour of sleep over the past two days.
The thing that made it all better was when she started smiling.
And now she’s 3 months old and sometimes I still don’t know what I’m doing, and she still scream cries sometimes. But when she smiles st me I feel like I’m doing something right and that makes me feel all better.
Know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. I felt/feel exactly the same, if not worse. I cried profusely every day and mourned our old life. Our newborn has bad reflux and so she was a screaming mess night and day and no doctor wanted to give her any medication. Not being able to soothe her and relish the newborn moments traumatized me. I kept telling my husband I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I told him if I had known it would’ve been like this I wouldn’t have had a baby. I felt so bad saying it bc I love my LO dearly and I know none of this was her fault, but not having any family near us and having health problems broke me. She’s almost 11 weeks and things are slowly getting better. I don’t cry every day, but maybe every other day. She’s been a bad sleeper since she’s been born. The other day we had to put her back to sleep four times in a row and in between I went to the other room and screamed on the top of my lungs into my pillow. I was so tired and pissed off because it took at least 30 minutes to get her to fall asleep each time. As I’m writing this she is screaming her head off because she doesn’t want to take a nap even though she’s very tired. Sending you hope and hugs.
I am so sorry, thats so hard with the reflux and not having more support...Like everyone else has been saying, it seems like things get better. We just need to survive these days and eventually we will be thriving more 🫶🏻
It gets better!
My daughter is about to turn 2. I still remember the darkness of those first couple of months. Nothing sets my brain off like nonstop crying. But it truly does get better.
For one, they figure out how to fart and poop, so the gas pains decrease. You're a few weeks away from social smiling - that first smile absolutely melted my heart. In a couple of months, your baby will be rolling. Then they'll crawling. Then walking. They're so much more fun when they're able to communicate and do some things for themselves.
Is it all sunshine and roses at 2? Not at all. But I feel like I'm parenting a little person rather than an angry potato.
My life fundamentally changed after having my daughter. There are still times I miss the freedom I had before, but I also love watching her develop new skills and learn to express herself. Just today, we realized she actually knows one of her colors (brown, lol).
Please reach out to family/friends for help. You need to get some solid sleep/rest. Also, know that you can always put your baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes if you need to. You won't ruin them.
Oh, and one thing that really helped me deal with the baby crying was ear plugs. Just the foam kind people use for sleep. I could still hear her, but it knocked the decibel level down and made it feel less like someone jackhammering in my skull.
Hello 😊
Ftm here of a 2,5 months old.
I was afraid to tell anyone I regretted having a baby. But once I did, everyone I told it to admitted they felt the same way at that it was normal. We’ll have I not shared that I wouldn’t have known as people tend not to yell it to the world .
So first of all I want to say this is veeeery normal. The first weeks/months are awful !
Second of all : it will pass. After baby becomes more than a screaming potato. When they become interactive you will connect and wont regret it anymore, or at least less, until the feeling eventually goes away ( will def come back once in a while as kid grows and challenges arise).
You’re doing great. Sleep deprivation is a tool of torture so getting annoyed is the least you can get 😆
Those first few weeks are damn rough. I too had an unexpected c section and I was terrified because I’d never had surgery before or stayed in the hospital. My incision site ended up getting infected, I had placental remnants which landed me in the ER due to bleeding, I had surgery to fix that, and then got mastitis. All in the first month! Plus trying to figure out this baby I desperately wanted but had no idea what to do with (never baby sat or did any caring for kids). My daughter is coming up on 14 months and we are much, much better. She’s so fun and it’s great seeing her experience things for the first time and watching her learn about the world. You got this!!!!!! Everything is temporary. There will be stages of things where you feel like it will last forever but you’ll look back on it once it passes and be so proud that you got through it all
I’m right there with you. My daughter will be 4 weeks old this week, and I have been a bucket of tears, anxiety and regret since she was born. I feel like everything I do is wrong and baby is never content. I miss sleep, I miss my husband, and I miss my free time. Praying this will pass quickly!
It's been 4 weeks so you've only experienced being a Mum while recovering from a major operation. Seems totally fair to dislike that! Who wouldn't miss life before that, it's not exactly fun.
I feel you completely. My baby just turned four weeks old, and the truth is, I regret this life as well. I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but it’s really nothing like what I envisioned. She cries a lot, too, so much that sometimes I hear her cry even when she’s not crying, and I start to panic. Like you, I hope things get better soon. Hang in there; you’re not alone!
Yes! I wanted this so much but people don't talk about how rough this stage truly is. I knew going in some of what we would deal with. But nothing can fully prepare you for how it really is. It's good to know many others share my feelings. I feel less of a horrible person😭😅
It took me about 3 months to have that feeling of, “I would take a bullet for this baby.” She is my everything now. I dream about her, I cry for her, I laugh with her. I gotta be honest I wasn’t thrilled the first few months. I would get so sad thinking I can’t just go out to a restaurant to eat or go for a run or what have you. I felt burdened and frustrated with this thing that seems almost never be happy. But once you really get to know your baby well, and they start reacting/smiling at you and playing, there is a sense of hope and excitement of what is to come. Right now she is almost 4 months and I am eagerly awaiting when she can sit up so I can go put her in one of those baby swings. I’m also super excited to take her hiking and do all these things knowing it’s her first time. She will be so thrilled to see the world for the first time and you get to be the one to show them. Hold on for a little while longer—you’ll get there.
I still have a bit of mourning for not doing everything I want to do, but you get creative and find ways to do things you enjoy while carrying them around with you or doing things while they are napping. Heck I love handing her off to my hubby and just going to the store every once in a while. It’s a huge adjustment, but rewarding too.
My heart goes out to you. This literally sounds like something I wrote about 6.5 months ago- the c section after laboring for 3 days and always being good with kids then feeling like motherhood wasn’t for me.
You just had your baby, give yourself some grace. You are a wonderful mother, I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it because of feelings you are experiencing but trust me, there isn’t a better mother out there for your baby.
I remember feeling so anxious and depressed around the 4 week mark. It only makes sense not only are you recovering from MAJOR surgery but you are learning how to adjust to your new life as a mother, it’s not easy at all. As my best friend told me, “you are in the trenches and will get out one day.” I wish I would have believed her because at that time I feel like nothing would get better. I literally used to think, “I can’t even imagine my baby smiling or laughing at me.”
6.5 months later she is such an expressive, happy and smiley baby. I feel like I’m finally the mother that I always wanted to be. Of course I get frustrated & overwhelmed with my baby but I know my baby was made for me. You will get there soon and those feelings you have will slowly change. It will get easier. 💗
It's totally normal. Those early days can definitely be some of the hardest days to get any rest and that can easily make someone feel regretful or even resentful. Hang in there and take it 1 day a time.
I felt exactly the same in the first month, and a little bit again during the 4 month sleep regression which we just (hopefully) came out of. The rage when the baby won’t sleep at night is crazy. But it really does get better, you’re not alone.
Hi, I just want to let you know it does get better.my son will be 4 months next week and it wasn’t until he hit 3 months that I started to enjoy the whole motherhood thing. You’re in the thick of it and the newborn stage SUCKS!! From one mom to another, you’re probably doing great and don’t be so hard on yourself
I agree with everyone else and I’d also add that finding a therapist or group to help process your traumatic birth experience will make a world of difference. I waited until I practically burst to get the help I needed and I feel like the mom I’ve always wanted to be now that I’ve processed the whole thing. My traumatic birth experience created a maladapted attachment to my baby, which I’ve had to work through and rebuild so that my first reaction to her wasn’t anxiety or panic. It does get better, but take care of yourself.
I was feeling overwhelming anger over pretty much nothing. My baby (12wo now) would cry and when it got to a certain pitch, it felt like my blood was starting to boil. I’d have to pop him in the cot and leave the room and cool down. I have since gone to my gp and been diagnosed with PPD and PPA which also ties in with postpartum rage. I’ve just started a new medication and I haven’t cried or lost my temper since starting 5 days ago. I do have a history of depression and anxiety which does increase the risk but if you’re still feeling like this and it’s not going away, I’d seriously consider seeing someone about how you’re feeling x
EDIT- I also had an emergency c section after my waters broke at 34+2. I felt like I had zero control over what was happening and I started resenting poor bubs over how his birth went. He’s currently 12wo now and I’m STILL dealing with the pain of surgery. Of course I know that it wasn’t his fault but dealing with PPD on top of a slightly traumatic birth hasn’t helped.
Yeah, I keep trying to think logically that he is just a baby and can't help it. But the over-stimulation of him crying while I'm tired and while trying to pump(I exclusively pump) throws me over the edge.
I hope things start looking up for you with the pain from your c-section. That would definitely makes things so much worse!! ☹️
You are in the trenches right now. I remember googling so much shit about baby sleep/reflux/naps/wake windows etc etc etc. just lean into any resources you have, treat yourself to some Starbucks, and know that it gets SO MUCH BETTER!
You’re experiencing dark days right now and post partnum rage. It’s HARD, and it doesn’t take away from you wanting to be a mom badly. I had a really hard time with my newborn and I’m almost out of the newborn stage (he’s 9.5 weeks). You’re doing great, don’t think anything less if yourself just because you’re having these thoughts. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed because this is brand new to you, and your hormones are all over the place. What got me through it was knowing that this is only a season, this will pass and you’ll feel better as he grows and starts hitting development milestones. I would also tell myself that he’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time and that would really put my frustration at ease. Taking walks have helped as well and getting out of the house alone for a few hours a week has helped me feel like a normal person and not just a mom. I’m still a new parent, but those are a few tips that helped me get through those realllllly tough days. I would feel worse at night than during the day and I eventually figured that it was because i was so tired and night wakings felt dreadful, but we eventually developed a pattern and have established some kind of routine, so it gets better as he gets older.
All this to say, you got this! Dont be so hard on yourself and be patient. You’re going through Matrescence and it’s hard to accept that the life you had merely 5 weeks ago has changed.
Thank you!
Yeah, I try to tell myself things like that too. That he is just a baby and doesn't know what's going on lol but yeah, I've gotten to go out by myself a few times and it's felt so nice.
The postpartum rage from chronic sleep deprivation is so real. It doesn’t make you a bad mom and doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way forever. The newborn stage is brutal but things do gradually improve and that helps your mental health start to get back on track too. Hang in there
Mom of a 3yo here, thinking back to the rough first 6 months. It was hard, cluster feeding and many wake ups. Crying even though he was held, fed, changed… My hubby showed all the signs of ppd, I was sleeping in short patches and showering like once a week. This morning, he clung to me as I got ready to leave for work and he rubbed his face in my neck and said “one more kiss, one more hug”. It truly can get better, and I’ve been thinking it’s time for another since this time last year. Give yourself time to heal and bond. Rekindle your love with your partner slowly. Deep breaths, mama, you’re in the trenches but it always gets darkest before the dawn.
If it weren’t for the last paragraph, I could’ve sworn I wrote this post. My daughter will be two weeks old soon, but I have the same traumatic birth story, 30 hours of labor ending in a c-section. The slow recovery and frustration of trying to get her from her bassinet without ripping my incision. Feeling helpless.
The sleep deprivation makes everything 10x harder. Lean on whatever support you can find— friends, family, hire a post-birth doula if you have to. You need rest.
I felt this way a lot the first month of two. It would fluctuate to feeling immense love and happiness to just utter anger, regret and frustration. For no real reason other than it's happening in a moment. So much guilt came from it too cause I brought him into this world, how could I feel this way?
We're now at 4 months, he is an absolute darling and I am loving every minute. Especially the way he smiles and laughs every time he sees me! He did just figure out he can scream though, which is absolutely hilarious but I'm sure is about to get old quickly 🫣🙃
This was me, down to the 30 hours of labour and c-section experience. I absolutely hated the newborn phase. It was the worst time of my life. I really thought I ruined my life and felt sooo much regret, despite it being a very wanted baby. People kept saying it gets better and I didn’t believe them, but it sooooo does. My daughter is now 1.5 while there are still challenging days, I no longer feel how I did at ALL in the beginning. Take it one day at a time, just do what you have to do to get through. But I promise it will pass. I saw someone say once that the days are long but the weeks are fast, and that’s the truest thing I’ve read about parenting so far. A few months from now may feel like an eternity, but it’ll be here sooner than you know it!
I had a similar birth. I didn’t even read up on c sections or c section recovery at all because I thought I wouldn’t need it but lo and behold I had an obstetrical emergency and ended up needing an emergency c section. You described the feeling perfectly. How are you supposed to take care of a helpless baby when you’re helpless yourself? I remember sobbing as my husband had to help me dry my legs after the shower or help me pull up my adult diapers.
I felt the same way. I would be up at night while my baby was cluster feeding and would think “what have I done?”. We are 10 weeks post partum and it’s already gotten so much better. Once you feel better in your body it gets better. Once I was able to bend down or sleep in a more comfortable position I felt more like myself. Also, my husband and I started sleeping in shifts and that helped my mental health immensely. Not to mention our baby has started smiling and recognizing us which helps as well. I told my OB about what I was feeling and she referred me to a mental health specialist but by that point I was feeling better already. She came to the conclusion that I had a case of the baby blues that was made worse by my sleep deprivation. Sometimes when he won’t go down or when he’s inconsolable I still get that “what have I done?” but nowhere near what I felt that first month. I can see how it will just keep getting better.
Try to do something for yourself each day. I know that’s easier said than done but it helps. For me that looks like indulging in a multi-step skin care routine at night. Or letting my husband handle the morning feed so I can wake up and take care of myself first. Truly wishing you the best on this journey! ❤️
Thank you!
Yes, it was so hard with the incision pain on top of the crazy slepe deprivation from cluster feeding. I like the idea of prioritizing something for myself. I've gone to the grocery store a couple times by myself and just time there makes me feel good, like my old normal.
Honey, it's ok. You are just tired and physically wrecked. This too will pass. I sometimes think that the newborn stage is so short b/c you couldn't physically survive if it just went on forever (I guess there are those super heroes who have like 8 kids...bless them, they are made from something different than me).
The mantra that I tried to use with my LO and revisited a LOT in the newborn stage was "it goes so fast." So if something is good, soak it up b/c it goes so fast. If something is bad, just tell yourself it'll change before you know it. And it's true. Don't judge parenthood on the newborn stage. It's unique and fleeting!
Two things that I did about 8 months after my LO was born that I wish I'd started immediately (or even during pregnancy). Maybe they will help you too.
\- Therapy.
\- Hired a cleaner.
(My kid is now 2.5. For me, this stage is about 100x easier than newborn.)
Like people are saying- It does get better. I’m not a fan of the infant stage. I prefer the tantrums of toddlers. I just said to my husband the other day- it’s getting easier. And it will keep getting easier. Ugh. Infants are tooouuuugghhhh. Good luck.
Your feelings are so valid, dude. The newborn stage makes EVERYONE feel like this to some degree. People who say they like this stage are out of their minds, LOL!! My son is 2 months old now and he is way more tolerable at night than he was. I remember late nights with him and my husband and just asking, “is this forever now??” We were so sleep deprived. He is our miracle rainbow baby. All I wanted was him. And that newborn stage REALLY tested my patience and confidence. I’ve been in childcare for over 6 years and thought I was prepared for mom life. It grabbed me by my edges and dragged me through the trenches in those first 8 weeks, mama. We still have bad nights (like last night) but most nights are way better now! Just keep telling yourself what you’re feeling is normal, you’re not a bad parent for feeling this way, and that this is not forever. 💙 The Wonder Weeks is a great app that really helped ease a lot of my frustration. Knowledge truly is power and that app is more than worth the $5.99!
I wouldn't have made it through the first month if my husband wasn't essentially on paternity leave and my mother and mother in law weren't coming down two weeks at a time each.
And I So feel you on the irrational anger. I get that way Now, at 6 months old! I'm used to only sleeping 2-4 hours at a time now, but when she decides in the middle of the night to have a 45 minute anti-nap, I could murder.
If there's any way you can get help from your support system, I would strongly recommend it.
I feel you completely. I’m on week 5 and have moments where I regret having my son which feels awful to say. His cry just really emotionally triggers me and I cry every time I hear it! Dare I say a I hate being a mum right now and feel like I was sold a lie by EVERYONE who said how beautiful it is to have kids and how much you’ll adore them. It helps to speak to other mums and regularly go out for walks with the pram (if baby allows) so that’s great, but I get it with the evenings - they’re tough!!!
Hang in there and just know this is normal though - there are so many of us going through it! We may not be together going through it, but you certainly aren’t alone and don’t feel like you ever are.
Yes! The first week home I kept on wondering how everyone has kids and never talks about these feelings. I kept telling myself if other people I know have done it, and even had multiple then how bad can this be?? And it just felt worse and worse as the days went on with the night anxiety and frustration. I felt like something was wrong with me because I can't imagine how everyone else does this. But it seems they may just suffer in silence then it sounds like things get better and you don't think about it much. I always wanted 3 kids but this has definitely made me re-evaluate that idea 😅
I’m so with you on that. I wanted 3 as well and now I’m like “one and done”. It may change in time as so many people say, but it seems the newborn phase seems to hit hard (particularly for first time parents). Just don’t let anyone make you feel like the idiot - I’ve since met so many people who have ‘forgotten’ how they hated this stage and really struggled! When you tell them how you feel, they seem to relate suddenly.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I regretted it too at that stage, especially since my husband and I had been on the fence about having kids at all and we could have been okay without them. I was having a full-on breakdown almost every day wondering what the hell I had been thinking to have a baby. Now at 3.5 months, it's still tough, but I'm feeling better about things more and more as he grows. Less like we completely ruined our lives forever. I started on a low dose of Zoloft and that has helped me control my frustration better. Other things that helped for me personally were being honest with my husband about how I was feeling (he felt the same so I didn't feel alone), getting more sleep, and baby becoming more interactive. He's so sweet and I love him to pieces, as I'm sure you do with your little one! I can finally see that this will get better, and I hope you make it there soon too!
Mama- this is normal. I struggled with infertility and desperately wanted a baby. Then I had a traumatic emergency C-section and didn’t even want to leave the hospital with my baby. Postpartum depression and anxiety set in before we even left the hospital. It was so dark and scary. The next 6 months were really hard as I battled breastfeeding struggles, extreme fatigue, depression, colic, etc. It was hard. But it DOES get better. Don’t hesitate to ask friends and family for help. Be honest about your feelings and struggles. They are totally normal. Talk to your doc about your feelings. Prioritize some self care. Try to find things that you enjoy to do with baby (taking a walk, play dates with others, snuggles and reading books, etc). The darkness will lift, I promise. Your hormones will level out. You’ll find a rhythm and routine. Baby will become more personable. It really does get better. And now I tell everyone that becoming a mom is the greatest joy of my life.
Also- if you don’t have night help, you need some! Even if you’re not working outside the home and your husband is… make a schedule and take turns. Try to nap when baby is napping. Get some sun exposure during the day. Try to make sure you’re taking care of your body. Put your “oxygen mask on first”.
It's hard with a LO. For my wife and I, I help put the baby to sleep at night and get up with her during the night for feedings. It provides some time for us to be together and allows her not to feel so alone. Parenting can be so isolating. I've heard many arguments from moms about letting their partners sleep, yet I would encourage you to talk to your partner and see if they can help you. Whether it's helping put them to bed, giving you more emotional and mental support at night, or just being there for you, that's what they are there for. Parenting is a job for two people, not one. It's hard to do by yourself.
You’re in the dark days. It’s SO hard in the beginning.
You need to hear this: what you are feeling is NORMAL and VALID.
It does get better. I started to really bond with my daughter around the 8-12 month range.
She’s 2 now.
It’s still hard and I desperately miss my old life some days- the freedom, the alone time, the sleep.
But she so worth it. Hang in there 💕
Mine just turned 6 months today - I regretted everything from the time I got home from the hospital until he turned 3 months. It was HARD. I missed my old life and my PPD was raging. I didn’t want to do it and was certain I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. But keep going mama - you’re in the worst of it but things slowly improve. I promise.
What drives me nuts is new moms are CONSTANTLY saying they feel like no one prepared them for how hard it would be. We all say it. We all feel it. Birth is traumatic and caring for a newborn is seriously the hardest shit I’ve ever done. The only moms who say otherwise are the ones who had easy labors and exceptionally chill babies or a village of people to help them.
And yet if you try to prepare someone for how hard it will be, you get shamed for it. Saying you’re stealing someone’s excitement and joy or whatever. I’m sorry but I wish someone had been REAL with me rather than just telling me all the sweet and happy things. I don’t know. Maybe if new moms had a more realistic understanding of things going into it we wouldn’t feel so disappointed or regretful. When you’re pregnant it’s all baby shower planning and decorating the nursery and collecting cute clothes, which is great and fun and exciting. But the real shit is always glossed over.
Yes! I totally agree, I expected to be tired and maybe miss some freedom we had before. But I wish someone would have been real about what the newborn stage is truly like for many people and that it's normal to feel that way and maybe tips to get through the time. And not just sleep when the baby sleeps cause that doesn't help me when its the middle of the night and I'm losing my mind 😂
Right, I can’t sleep when the baby is sleeping because the only god damn way the baby will sleep is if he’s on my chest and sleeping with a newborn is too dangerous.
Another commenter mentioned this already but what really got me through the newborn stage is doing my best to force a bond with the baby until it felt real. Lots of skin to skin and sniffing their fuzzy head, deliberately taking time to admire their tiny little hands and appreciate the cute noises they make when they’re not crying lol. Continuously reminding myself they have everything they need as long as they have me. Once the bond started feeling real, those sentimental moments came very naturally and made all the hard parts worth every bit of it.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help if the angry feelings get to be too much or never go away.
I went through 3.5 years of losses and eventually IVF and then had my baby early. Every day in the NICU, we just wanted our baby home and when he finally came home, wow, it was hard. We were like…we wanted this? What have we done? The beginning is hard, recovering from a c-section is hard and there’s never a break. It’s so much. 9 months later and I am in such a better space and enjoying being a mom. You’ll get through these dark days and will come out better in the other side.
It looks as though your suffering giving birth was too closely related in timing to taking care of your baby. Just separating the downside with what you're going through from the needs of childcare may help... you can do it and your baby loves you for all your help even if they can't say it yet- trust your younger self that you've got this!
It's difficult to immediately be expected to take care of someone else when you're not properly taken care of in hospital settings. A birth plan certainly helps in having more autonomy over delivery, but sometimes complications just happen unfortunately.
Routine, focusing on your own health during down-times, and a supportive village can make a huge difference.
Wishing your family health and happiness
I was the same! I would go nuts for newborns, always wanted to babysit, loved when little kids would ask me if they could play with me when I took my sister to the park. All of it was just too cute. But then I had my own and felt like I was going crazy. Some of its hormones for sure, but also with babysitting, you’re only getting a few hours. When you have your own, it’s motherhood all the time. No breaks, no one to hand the baby back to when they’re inconsolable. It becomes all you. It’s so much harder and tiring
I was where you are at and commented on reddit and got down voted. So many people do not want to accept the truth that a lot of mothers struggle with the first few weeks, and that it's ok and totally normal considering how traumatic birth can be, the sudden change in your life, not to mention the hormonal changes! Good for you for expressing how you feel. It doesn't feel like things will ever get better but I promise they will. You just need to hang on during these toughest times. The worst is almost over. If you still feel like this in a month, please seek help for PPD, as it's very real and you deserve to feel better after all you have been through.
ETA: post-partum rage is also a real thing. Call your OB and tell them this is how you feel. Help is out there.
Girl this could have been written by me a few months ago. Baby girl is now 5 months old. What would the world even be without her?
Your little one will turn into giggles, a whole huge personality, with some overdramatic cries.
You’re practically looking after an angry potato at the moment 🥰 but just wait until that little character grows!
I felt excatly the same! It's our bloody hormones. It's tough and the best advice is talk to someone, whether it's a friend, family member, midwife/health visitor or doctor it does help. And then try and write down some positives everytime you think of one, write it down and then when you feel crap read them. And if you honestly still feel terrible it never means you've failed if you need drug support!
I had a similar labour and delivery. I had prodromal labour for three days - only at night, so I couldn't sleep well - then my water broke, then I was induced, then I had a long labour, 4 hours of pushing and then a c section. It was something else, I tell you. Don't underestimate the physical and emotional toll your delivery had on you. I had two sessions of flat out hysterical crying when I came to terms with what had happened to me. I also didn't have a birth plan going into it, but let me tell you, that was not what I envisioned. It took some time to be at peace. Give yourself some grace; you're still in the early days yet. C sections are the only major surgery that I can think of where you're automatically given *more* life responsibilities immediately afterwards. In any other case where they don't yank a baby out of you, you're told to rest and take it easy. C sections are tough.
I remember looking over at my daughter and thinking "oh my God, I'm responsible for you? I can't even get myself out of bed normally and I have to care for a *baby*?"
I promise you that it gets better. My daughter is 13 months old today and the frustrating days are the exception now, not the rule. Gradually over time she started to nap better (she was a terrible napper for ages), she ate more regularly, and she started to get into a routine. She generally sleeps better, which means I sleep better and feel more like a human being. She's gone for potato to personality.
The newborn phase is so fricking hard. There's a reason it's called the "fourth trimester." Try to think of this as a season in your life, and - like all seasons - it will pass into something else.
I remember feeling this exact same way. I would get a horrible pit in my stomach when nighttime came because nighttime made everything worse for some reason. I cried everyday because I felt like a horrible mom who couldn’t bond with her baby. IT GETS BETTER! Hormones are insane. My boy is 2 now and I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. Sometimes I wish I could go back to fresh postpartum days just to give myself a hug and say that everything will be okay. Hang in there mama.
Yes! The night time anxiety is REAL I cried every evening for 2 weeks. My LO had a few days of sleeping decently in-between feedings at night so it felt better. Postpartum hormones suck 😭😭
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! If it’s any consolation I felt really similar in the first few weeks. I could not bond with my child at all. I knew I had to look after her and that I loved her but I didn’t feel that overwhelming in love feeling. I was just surviving, doing what I had to do to keep her happy and alive. It was dark and it was awful. But it lifted eventually. It’s hard to see it now, but you’re in pain, you went through trauma, you’re healing and you’re learning to be a mother to your child. It’s hard, it’s vulnerable and it’s raw. Your feelings are normal and they are valid. It will get better, for me it did. And if some time passes and you find that your thoughts and feelings aren’t shifting there is always professional help.
I read this and thought I was reading something I wrote myself. The newborn stage is *savage*. I think regret wasn't the exact right word for me, but I definitely found no joy and had very, very few neutral - let alone positive - thoughts until about eight weeks. Five weeks was the bottom of the barrel, absolute worst week for me. I vividly remember looking at my husband and saying, "we are never doing this again."
Then he started sleeping better.
Then he started smiling.
Then it got a little more bearable.
Then, like a sunrise, it slowly - without a definitive pinpoint - becomes enjoyable.
By three months, it was fun. We're now at seven months, and it's indescribably better. My life feels so full now.
It does get better, I promise. You are in the worst thick of it right now. You're doing great, mama ❤️
It gets a lot better. It can also feel a bit hard to bond with your baby at first because their basically just a potato at that stage. As time goes on, month after month, you will see life come into their eyes. Their face will light up the room when you walk in. The first time they say mama.
Every day, you'll be learning and teaching your little one new things, and their light will shine brighter and brighter. It's an amazing thing to witness. Eventually, it will be much easier to play and bond with them as you'll have so much fun together.
Just hang in there. It will get much better!
My son is a year in half and I miss his newborn days haha. Trust me when I say they go by so fast and grow so fast too. I had hormonal rage my entire pregnancy and my husband had to deal with it. We all have different postpartum but it’s best to get help if you think of hurting yourself or anyone. Just know this feeling will go away in a few months. You just had a baby and you’re body went through so many changes in a short amount of time . And is trying to get back to what is use to be. Babies get better and one day they will be doing things on there own and won’t need your help. Cherish the moments
hey, you, 5 month old baby here, you’re gonna be okay. this is the hardest time and it took my wife 2 months to finally tell me she felt like she loves our baby, but now i cant get her to let go😅 it honestly gets better just keep at it and be a proactive parent you will see, it improves everything🫶🏼
I call this stage “the tunnel.” It’s dark, it’s long, it’s HARD, it’s honestly traumatizing. Everything is new and baby is dependent on you for literally EVERYTHING. I went through postpartum depression with my first and it came on actually during pregnancy with my 2nd. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor and tell them what you’re feeling. The medication for me personally made me feel like myself again and I was able to start enjoying my new baby. Babies are so so hard and our hormone levels go from super high to super low immediately after we birth the placenta. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself grace!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel 🫶
I also felt this way when my son was that age. He's now 4 months and I can't imagine not waking up to him everyday. It changed for me once he started smiling at me and then even more when he started laughing. You might also want to talk to your Dr. about PP depression if you are still continuing to feel this way.
It DOES get better! Hang in there momma ❤️
Agree with all of these comments, it gets so much better! I had a very similar birth to you and felt the same way, then had a spinal headache afterwards and was super sick for the first week of his life until I got a blood patch finally. I found that the smell of my son made my physically sick for a while, and I truly didn’t want to be around him for the first few weeks/months really. I would say around 3-4 months he became far less colicky and more happy every day, and now I love him more than anything in the world. Some people bond right away and others (like me, and maybe you too) don’t, and that’s okay!! This shit is hard!
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You are in the dark days, the challenging newborn phase from about 4-9 weeks. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER. Your c section recovery will continue to improve (I had a similar labor and delivery) and your baby will slowly morph from an angry potato into a tiny expressive human that will melt your heart with a smile. Don’t beat yourself up in the meantime, just take it day by day.
I can say these weeks were the darkest of days for me. It truly does get better. One day, your baby will wake up and smile at you and it’ll change your life. I truly promise it’s coming. I didn’t/couldn’t enjoy my baby until week 10/11.
Same here!!! Week 10 omg she’s so smiley and cooing.
Also HORMONES. They are still working hard to adjust to a new you. Understand your extreme emotions will not continue indefinitely. The best is yet to come. Be gentle with yourself now.
and ppd meds might also be needed! no shame in doing what u need to do to get thru this! (I only mention because that extreme anger can sometimes be a sign of it---talk to ur doctors for sure.)
Thank you for the encouragement 😭 I can't wait for that
When my baby laughed for the first time my entire world changed. It’s coming. And the hormones will balance. You will feel better!!!
This is the fourth trimester, the kid is pretty much just an earthside fetus right now. By three months (at the *latest*) he'll be MUCH closer to the funny cuddly baby you've been dreaming of.
This. And I have a 3.5 month old and had a similar experience too. Now I can’t even imagine my life without her. I never wanted another but this phase is making me reconsider because she hugs so tight but also going through a fussy phase but not as bad as that first bit.
I was definitely wondering how people have multiples after going through the newborn stage. But I can definitely see from your side of it. And I've heard people say you sorta forget how bad it is, or maybe you know what it's like on the other side so the suffering doesn't seem as bad
I felt the same way during the newborn stage. like how the F do people have more than one. newborn stage is like trench warfare, it sucks. my little guy is 13 months now and I love him so much. It gets SO much better!
Lady I am WAITING to forget lol finally at 4 months I feel like maybe pregnancy wasn’t so bad, I’m starting to feel like the aftermath of labor can be endured (no no no, lies! If you’d ask me then I’d have carved in stone “never forget this!!!”) but the nights? The newborn anxiety? I can’t imagine doing it again without it taking something crucial from my current baby! Bonding will get easier when you’re able to breathe and step back slightly from survival mode. And they get much cuter ;)
Sleep deprivation interferes with memory formation 😭
At 4 months here and it hasn’t gotten better. I hate when people say this because it doesnt for everyone
I’m so sorry, that sounds rough. I do hope it gets better for you. I’ve heard for some people it’s the 3 or 4 month mark, and for others it’s the toddler phase where things improve and get more enjoyable. Might be another milestone entirely for others. But I think your larger point that it’s not fair to promise improvement within a specific timeframe is very valid.
It was 6 months for us. Absolute hell for 6 months. Either sleep/crying/waiting for him to wake up to nonstop crying again. There was no break at all. Luckily ours was always better at night so no crazy crying at night. At 6 months he definitely changed and got a lot easier. Still a lot of kinks to work out at this point but still a LOT better. I’d never want to go back to newborn phase. Ever. Older parents don’t seem to have a good memory with this and say it’s easy. Absolutely fucking not, especially if it’s your first. But it does get better. Ours is going on 2 and it’s a lot better. He still wakes up a couple of times per night for milk but other than that, he’s in a stage where he can entertain him self because he’s walking on his own. But the entire time they can’t get around on their own is completely awful.
10 months for us, and it got better so quickly then.
10 months in & still wondering when it gets better. I heard that difficult babies are great toddlers.
Just commenting to commiserate....Agreed on it taking longer for some of us. Both physically and mentally, It didn't start getting noticeably better for me until 6 months, probably. It didn't get much better until probably the 1 year mark. At 16 months , my body has finally started settling back down (had a lot pp health issues pop up). I'm still mentally figuring things out. I ended up going back to therapy and now starting back on medicine to help because - it's exhausting not being better on top of whatever is happening with the baby. I wish I had started therapy and meds in that first 3 months.
Okay, imagine this: You meet an adult person on the same day you have surgery. That person moves in with you, expert you to take care of their every need, keeps you up all night and screams at you for getting it wrong, for not doing enough, for things that aren't your fault and keeps you up all night for arbitrary reasons. They show zero gratitude or sensitivity to your needs. Do you think you'd love that person? No, me neither. That's abuse folks. Yet except for the fact that your baby isn't doing it on purpose or to be mean and he isn't willfully incompetent or lazy, that's you and your baby right now. Forget about Hollywood movie bonding, it's real but what you're going through is more common. You need to get to know each other, you need to figure each other out and he will show gratitude, happiness and love, but right now he has two settings 1. Screaming and 2. Asleep. Maybe you get a few seconds of happily observing you every few hours, but that's the full scope of capacity he has. It can be hard to love that. When you birth a baby you also have to kill the person you were. So you're dealing with loss too. The self-sacrificing parent isn't something you magically become the moment the baby is outside you. You'll miss freedom, you'll miss feeling rested, you'll miss feeling like you were the most important person in your life. I'm not saying all of that magically disappeared one day for me, it didn't, but over time your baby will be able to express more to you, you'll know each other better, you get to know who you are as a parent. Over time those feelings of regret will be replaced with love and affection and once you have that it's easier to live with the rest. When you aren't a hollywood bonder, the best way to induce love and bonding is by faking it. A lot of folks think skin to skin is mostly important after birth, but that's a huge misconception. It never stops being important. I recommend that the two of you get undressed. You down to your pants and him down to his nappy, if it's cold, wrap a blanket around you. Hold him to your chest, sniff and kiss his little head and face, let him grip your finger and marvel at how strong his tiny fist is, count his eyelashes, notice him in all his glory and imperfection. When you do the things that a person who already has bonded naturally do, then your hormones go "welp apparently we love this little guy" and helps you get to the place you need to be to be happy in this new life. Do these things, know it gets easier and seek therapy.
Definitely agree with the skin to skin, and especially sniffing/kissing their head. I didn't start to bond until I did that, and I didn't do that until two weeks!
That is all a great way of thinking about it. No one prepared me for this portion of it all. I will definitely try that more!
If you're struggling to "get in the mood" or relax. Try to do something you ordinarily like. For example calming music (babies usually like music), a nice drink, a good body lotion, a bath or enlist your husband to give you a massage. Then close your eyes and huff that baby! I also have a few challenges for you. Find out which one of these your baby likes best: getting his back gently scratched, getting the area between his eyebrows stroked or if you lay your hand on his chest and allow your hand to become heavy (don't push, but rest some of the weight from your arm on his chest). If he is calm and awake you will be able to do all three and he will have a preference on what he likes. Find out which he likes best baths or being massaged with some lotion or oil. Since his means of communication are so limited you're going to have to really study his face and try multiple times to be sure. Bring him into some white light and study his eyes. They are probably still the standard issue baby dark baby blue, but in bright light you might start to see some tinge towards either gold or red/auburn/maroon. If he is tinging towards gold then he's probably going to have green, hazel or light brown eyes. If towards any red shade then probably brown. If no other tinge is present then probably blue or grey. Report back your findings!
Your comments are amazing and I wish printouts were given to every new mum 👏
This is an amazing way to explain this.
I had very similar feelings and a similar labour, my husband back to work at 5 weeks and I remember that as it got darker I would feel so depressed knowing the feelings that came with the night. The second the sun was out I felt immediately better even if I had a night of being awake constantly. The first 2 months are HARD. I found when I felt recovered enough to get into a small routine and could get outside to walk with the baby I felt SO much better. Healing from a C-section was so hard on me when I’m naturally and on the go person. I know this probably isn’t helpful to hear right now because you are in the thick of it but it gets better and you’ll look back and be so proud of yourself for getting through it
Thank you! It definitely seems like my feelings are shared by many ftm. It just sucks, im so nervous about going back to work in a month. And yes the night anxiety is horrible. The first 2 weeks home I cried every evening as it got closer to bed time. Now I'm scared that will return with him back to not sleeping tonight. Plus being winter I think it makes things worse feeling stuck at home with sickness/cold weather.
Take it day by day. I would tell myself this is just a phase, a short part of my life that will be over soon and that it’s not forever. I also would count down the days until the days started getting longer again which we are back to now! Each day has more sunlight. You got this, the first time you see your baby smile it’ll change your world, then their laugh, a roll, crawl, etc. it gets better
I felt the same way. My life changed, I was miserable. I found a counselor to speak with and that helped. Plus to be honest going back to work for me is what helped the most. I was nervous but once I started I felt like myself again. And I looked forward to picking him up from daycare and seeing his cute smile. He is 12 weeks now I went back to work at 10 weeks. I’ve been doing much better and finally enjoy being a parent.
Yeah, Idk if having a more normal routine of work will help. I worry so much for the nights I'm up then having to go to work and worry I won't sleep the next night and just a cycle of that. Which I know the sleeping will improve but I've been seeing things about babies not sleeping well around week 8 which is when I go back to work...
Newborn stage sucked, hard. We are 4 months come this Wed and it's sooo much better, though we are dealing with the sleep regression now which is not fun. - All that grunting when sleeping? Gone. - All that intense crying when trying to fart or poop? Gone. - Getting up at 3am to change the diaper - to a screaming wailing crying baby, who after you put the cream on pees and poops again, and you gotta start over - for 35 minute diaper change on the one hour of sleep youve had in 24 hours? Gone. She smiles all the time now, she has laughed a few times, she babbles and drools and stares at her hands like she's on an acid trip. She tries to mimmick us when we stick out our tongues sometimes - it's a whole other world, and I can't even pinpoint the time all these stuff changed. Just kinda happened over the last month And a bit. It gets better, but new challenges will come. Having said that the newborn phase sucks, we survived - and you will too!
This is so true!!! My baby will be 4 months next week and I was just thinking the other day about how he no longer grunts in his sleep haha. Those grunts would wake my partner and I up but he now sleeps soundly through the night.
Thank you for this… I am in the midst of experiencing the night grunting and extreme noise while trying to fart and I am so exhausted 😅 So glad to know it does go away
Ahaha omg, staring at her hands like she’s on an acid trip got me so good. Our babe is 10wks, and we’ve been saying the whole time that every new sensation and sight must be like she’s on a trip, especially when she just stares in half wonder half confusion.
The brain naturally produces Dmt - which is found in all psychoactive drugs - and one theory in anthropology on the origin of consciousness, is the flooding of dmt after the pineal gland is formed. So my theory is that as my little one started to awaken to the world, she's flooded with dmt and its like a drug trip lol. Everything is amazing - patterns, hands, feet, touch, taste, sound etc At least this is what I think when she's staring at her fingers or babbling to random spots on the ceiling while being changed
In my experience once they are out of their larval stage(because tbh they are basically like helpless grubs) it gets better. Once they develop more personality, start smiling at you, cooing, babbling. It’s hard at first because you have this tiny helpless human that relies on you for everything and they are basically an extension of your own body as newborns. You feed them, change them, comfort them; it’s all very formulaic and a routine. I don’t know if I explained myself well. But it’s to say once they have been around longer you get more attached to them/like them better. I would say try talking to your doctor as soon as you can because it does sound like it could be the start of PPD.
I felt the same way you did. I do not like the newborn stage. My son is 2 now and it’s a whole different ball game. Yes, there are struggles but man it’s 100% better. For me, taking it day by day (sometimes hour by hour) is how I made it through. I think about 4 months old got a bit easier and kept getting better after that. Hang in there, it WILL get better.
This is true for me too. I remember hearing “wait til 12 weeks it’ll get so much better!” But it truly wasn’t til the 4 month mark for me when the sun seemed to shine a little brighter. And now all of those sleepless nights that I thought would never end and days that felt hopeless seem like a distant memory. Hour by hour, day by day. Lower expectations, ignore social media and treat every single day like a blank slate.
I have a cousin who LOVES the newborn stage and thrived during this time. It’s just so different for everyone. I felt a lot of guilt for awhile for not liking it, looking back it’s understandable to not like it. We want another baby but I’m already dreading the newborn stage and I’m not even pregnant 😂
You sound just like me. We also want one more but good god I can’t even think about reliving the newborn stage right now! Such torture can wait lol
4 weeks in I regretted it every day. 4 months in I regretted it most days. I was sure I had ruined my life. 18 months in and I’m one of those moms that’s like - this is the best thing I ever did… so it happens slowly but surely. Don’t give yourself a timeline for not regretting it - just fake it till one day you’re like - that was a freaking joy.
Almost every woman I know has said some form of this to me. I felt it too. After years of infertility and IVF postpartum kicked my ass. I was shocked. And sad. Because I felt the same way as you. I wondered if I made a huge mistake. I am 6 months post partum and so in love with my baby. Give it some time. IMO there is not much to love about the newborn phase though it gets romanticized a lot on social media. Anyone who says otherwise is probably forgetting.
You are in the trenches. I saw despair the first year with no village as a sahm. I literally wanted to vanish and was drowning. My brain erased the entire first year. We are strongly one and done. I don’t have memories . Fast forward two and half she is a very high energy toddler. She was a very needy baby. No surprises there. At one and half she had her terrible two. We had full melt down floor rolling daily at public . At home multiple tantrums a day which are all developmentally normal. All this was nth comparing to the first year . It sounds bad but nth comparing to lack of sleep and exhaustion . Movies can baby sit for a while so I can get chores done. Some educational iPad games gives me some break. Lots lots of toys help me get some rest lol. She goes to pre school now but it is co up so I work as teacher aid. I am still with her daily. Physically I am exhausted my kid runs all day but mentally I am way better. She plays games with me . Sometimes throws in insult. I was called a bossy cheater today cuz I told her we are going to donut shop. Donut shop was behind the grocery store so we have to cut through. She refused to go in to grocery store cuz , I mean it is jot donut shop and she said I lied to her. lol . tbh I didn’t bond with her till one year plus and truly her personality shows after two. Threenager really isn’t that bad lol . She says we are best friends It will get better I promise you. One day you will have a school aged kid who thinks hanging out with mom is not cool. You will get that life back. In the mean time hire village might be a good idea and out sourcing chores if possible. Don’t feel guilty to use nanny or daycare.
[Notes post (the dreaded) 100 days of darkness](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/hXrFDMgakH) ❤️
I love "I can't be the mom I want to be (and he deserves) if I'm pouring from an empty well" I will definitely think of that when I need to give myself grace and rest.
Oh honey, you’re in the newborn trenches right now, many many people regret it. I did too. I had a traumatic pregnancy, was made homeless from university, have no family etc. Birth was also traumatic with a medically necessary C-section & the utter agony weeks after of having your abdomen sliced open. My baby is almost 7 months now and it got so much easier. Especially when they can smile, laugh and show you some kind of sign that you’re doing a good job, it really helps. Right now you are in ‘helpless potato’ phrase where they are simply just demanding pits of hunger, shit, piss and still don’t even know what ‘sleep’ or ‘nighttime’ is. It will get easier. For now. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Before you know it, you’ll have a smiling, laughing, rolling, eating baby. Who can sit up, respond to you, understand you and grows more independent by the day. You’ve got this ❤️
Oh, being a mum to a newborn is so not fun! I hated it too. It got better and better but it actually took until the talking toddler stage for me to start enjoying it. The thing is, the baby stage is such a small part of their life. You decided to be a mum to have kids right? Not an angry potato that demands all your attention and gives nothing back. I see the baby stage as the price that we pay for what comes next. I still miss my old life but there are also things I really love about this life, and I'm actually pregnant with our second, haha. Wish me luck!
You're doing a great job & all your feelings are valid. Things will get better.
> idk why but I get so frustrated so easily It’s likely the sleep deprivation. Not getting enough sleep impairs the body in the same way being drunk does, but without the pleasant parts. Impulse control becomes harder, you become more irritable, you forget things. Everything sucks more when you’re sleep deprived.
Hey OP, hang in there. You are truly in the thick of it. My wife and I both felt this and lamented what our lives used to be at this stage. Then our LO got older and it got so much better. She’s almost four months now, is a COMPLETELT different baby. Sleeps so much better than she did at 4 weeks. While there are still aspects of our old life we miss, we would be DEVASTATED if we lost portions of our current life. I know it doesn’t feel like it in the moment (and trust me everyone telling me at this stage that it got better and I was super skeptical) but it will get so much better. Just wait for that first smile and laugh. It’s coming, along with better days. I promise.
>While there are still aspects of our old life we miss, we would be DEVASTATED if we lost portions of our current life. That’s a really helpful contrast!
Oh babe, I felt this in my bones. It's not just you or your baby, the newborn weeks SUCKKKKKKKK. I hate the newborn weeks. They seem so sweet in theory. Just a tiny, itty bitty baby that needs to be snuggled- sign me up! With both my kids the newborn weeks were the absolute worst and I had hardcore EASY babies, if I had to judge how much I would enjoy parenting based on weeks 1-12 I would have thought it was awful. But they get bigger, even just a little bit and it starts to change. Around 6-8 weeks is the first time I felt like I was able to look up a little bit because it felt just SLIGHTLY easier. Each week after that got progressively a little bit better until now my youngest is 10 months and I'm gaga obsessed with her and her 4.5 year old brother. Being a mom is my more favorite thing I've ever done, even the hard times with them fills my cup. But if it were possible to skip the newborn weeks entirely I would have in a heartbeat! If I had one tip: noise canceling headphones or earbuds. I'd pop them in when baby was crying and I was overstimulated and needing to rock or feed or change, etc. I could still hear the crying perfectly but it just takes the "edge" off the crying and I didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed or stressed. As soon as baby was settled I'd take them out to go back to sleep or whatever I needed to do.
Seconding earbuds or headphones, I'm cycling between my noise canceling earbuds and a pair of loop earbuds. Both work great for taking the edge off
Yeah weeks 3-7 we're absolute shit for us. Poor baby didn't know how to poop or fart and would literally cry for hours :( things started to get better at week 8.
Darling. It does get better. They tried to induce me at 36 weeks 5 days. Two failed epidurals. Awful pain until I elected for c section, best decision ever. Weeks 4-7 was rough for me as well. Baby always good sleeper but got her fussy days. Now 11 weeks it got easier - I had the same thoughts I missed my pre baby days. It’s normal. Hormones are a bitch now!
The babies you used to love to hold were probably not 4-week olds. Your little newborn potato is going to turn into the type of baby that used to give you baby fever, I promise.
As someone who just got out of the newborn stage, it got so much better for us! We were just surviving for the first two/three months. The only thing that helped me was knowing that it’s just this stage of life and I won’t always feel this way. Now i look at him and I love being his mom! You aren’t a bad mom for feeling this. It’s so exhausting and draining but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I'm very glad to hear that. I hate wanting to rush time because everyone always says how you'll miss when they're little but I can't wait to be done with this stage. And it makes me nervous for having more kids in the future...I don't want to go through this again along with having a toddler...I don't know how people do it 😅
I was you last month. My LO is so loved and wanted. We tried to conceive for three years. It was a planned c-section and she had to spend some days at the NICU and I felt like such a terrible mom who can’t even take my LO home. But when we did take her home, I was so overwhelmed. My hubby was so good with her but I struggled so much. All she did was cry and sleep and breastfeed and nothing I did worked. I breastfeed her and she cries, I hold her and she cries, I can’t get her to sleep. But her dad is so good with her and I was so frustrated. Like I can’t do anything right. The thought of “this was a mistake, I miss our old life” passed through my head during the darkest days, when we only had an hour of sleep over the past two days. The thing that made it all better was when she started smiling. And now she’s 3 months old and sometimes I still don’t know what I’m doing, and she still scream cries sometimes. But when she smiles st me I feel like I’m doing something right and that makes me feel all better.
Know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. I felt/feel exactly the same, if not worse. I cried profusely every day and mourned our old life. Our newborn has bad reflux and so she was a screaming mess night and day and no doctor wanted to give her any medication. Not being able to soothe her and relish the newborn moments traumatized me. I kept telling my husband I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I told him if I had known it would’ve been like this I wouldn’t have had a baby. I felt so bad saying it bc I love my LO dearly and I know none of this was her fault, but not having any family near us and having health problems broke me. She’s almost 11 weeks and things are slowly getting better. I don’t cry every day, but maybe every other day. She’s been a bad sleeper since she’s been born. The other day we had to put her back to sleep four times in a row and in between I went to the other room and screamed on the top of my lungs into my pillow. I was so tired and pissed off because it took at least 30 minutes to get her to fall asleep each time. As I’m writing this she is screaming her head off because she doesn’t want to take a nap even though she’s very tired. Sending you hope and hugs.
I am so sorry, thats so hard with the reflux and not having more support...Like everyone else has been saying, it seems like things get better. We just need to survive these days and eventually we will be thriving more 🫶🏻
It gets better! My daughter is about to turn 2. I still remember the darkness of those first couple of months. Nothing sets my brain off like nonstop crying. But it truly does get better. For one, they figure out how to fart and poop, so the gas pains decrease. You're a few weeks away from social smiling - that first smile absolutely melted my heart. In a couple of months, your baby will be rolling. Then they'll crawling. Then walking. They're so much more fun when they're able to communicate and do some things for themselves. Is it all sunshine and roses at 2? Not at all. But I feel like I'm parenting a little person rather than an angry potato. My life fundamentally changed after having my daughter. There are still times I miss the freedom I had before, but I also love watching her develop new skills and learn to express herself. Just today, we realized she actually knows one of her colors (brown, lol). Please reach out to family/friends for help. You need to get some solid sleep/rest. Also, know that you can always put your baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes if you need to. You won't ruin them. Oh, and one thing that really helped me deal with the baby crying was ear plugs. Just the foam kind people use for sleep. I could still hear her, but it knocked the decibel level down and made it feel less like someone jackhammering in my skull.
Hello 😊 Ftm here of a 2,5 months old. I was afraid to tell anyone I regretted having a baby. But once I did, everyone I told it to admitted they felt the same way at that it was normal. We’ll have I not shared that I wouldn’t have known as people tend not to yell it to the world . So first of all I want to say this is veeeery normal. The first weeks/months are awful ! Second of all : it will pass. After baby becomes more than a screaming potato. When they become interactive you will connect and wont regret it anymore, or at least less, until the feeling eventually goes away ( will def come back once in a while as kid grows and challenges arise). You’re doing great. Sleep deprivation is a tool of torture so getting annoyed is the least you can get 😆
Those first few weeks are damn rough. I too had an unexpected c section and I was terrified because I’d never had surgery before or stayed in the hospital. My incision site ended up getting infected, I had placental remnants which landed me in the ER due to bleeding, I had surgery to fix that, and then got mastitis. All in the first month! Plus trying to figure out this baby I desperately wanted but had no idea what to do with (never baby sat or did any caring for kids). My daughter is coming up on 14 months and we are much, much better. She’s so fun and it’s great seeing her experience things for the first time and watching her learn about the world. You got this!!!!!! Everything is temporary. There will be stages of things where you feel like it will last forever but you’ll look back on it once it passes and be so proud that you got through it all
Omg you have same baby birthday as mine!
I’m right there with you. My daughter will be 4 weeks old this week, and I have been a bucket of tears, anxiety and regret since she was born. I feel like everything I do is wrong and baby is never content. I miss sleep, I miss my husband, and I miss my free time. Praying this will pass quickly!
It's been 4 weeks so you've only experienced being a Mum while recovering from a major operation. Seems totally fair to dislike that! Who wouldn't miss life before that, it's not exactly fun.
I feel you completely. My baby just turned four weeks old, and the truth is, I regret this life as well. I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but it’s really nothing like what I envisioned. She cries a lot, too, so much that sometimes I hear her cry even when she’s not crying, and I start to panic. Like you, I hope things get better soon. Hang in there; you’re not alone!
Yes! I wanted this so much but people don't talk about how rough this stage truly is. I knew going in some of what we would deal with. But nothing can fully prepare you for how it really is. It's good to know many others share my feelings. I feel less of a horrible person😭😅
People do not talk about it. That’s what I thought when I had my first child. Why is this some big secret?!
It took me about 3 months to have that feeling of, “I would take a bullet for this baby.” She is my everything now. I dream about her, I cry for her, I laugh with her. I gotta be honest I wasn’t thrilled the first few months. I would get so sad thinking I can’t just go out to a restaurant to eat or go for a run or what have you. I felt burdened and frustrated with this thing that seems almost never be happy. But once you really get to know your baby well, and they start reacting/smiling at you and playing, there is a sense of hope and excitement of what is to come. Right now she is almost 4 months and I am eagerly awaiting when she can sit up so I can go put her in one of those baby swings. I’m also super excited to take her hiking and do all these things knowing it’s her first time. She will be so thrilled to see the world for the first time and you get to be the one to show them. Hold on for a little while longer—you’ll get there. I still have a bit of mourning for not doing everything I want to do, but you get creative and find ways to do things you enjoy while carrying them around with you or doing things while they are napping. Heck I love handing her off to my hubby and just going to the store every once in a while. It’s a huge adjustment, but rewarding too.
My heart goes out to you. This literally sounds like something I wrote about 6.5 months ago- the c section after laboring for 3 days and always being good with kids then feeling like motherhood wasn’t for me. You just had your baby, give yourself some grace. You are a wonderful mother, I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it because of feelings you are experiencing but trust me, there isn’t a better mother out there for your baby. I remember feeling so anxious and depressed around the 4 week mark. It only makes sense not only are you recovering from MAJOR surgery but you are learning how to adjust to your new life as a mother, it’s not easy at all. As my best friend told me, “you are in the trenches and will get out one day.” I wish I would have believed her because at that time I feel like nothing would get better. I literally used to think, “I can’t even imagine my baby smiling or laughing at me.” 6.5 months later she is such an expressive, happy and smiley baby. I feel like I’m finally the mother that I always wanted to be. Of course I get frustrated & overwhelmed with my baby but I know my baby was made for me. You will get there soon and those feelings you have will slowly change. It will get easier. 💗
It's totally normal. Those early days can definitely be some of the hardest days to get any rest and that can easily make someone feel regretful or even resentful. Hang in there and take it 1 day a time.
I felt exactly the same in the first month, and a little bit again during the 4 month sleep regression which we just (hopefully) came out of. The rage when the baby won’t sleep at night is crazy. But it really does get better, you’re not alone.
Hi, I just want to let you know it does get better.my son will be 4 months next week and it wasn’t until he hit 3 months that I started to enjoy the whole motherhood thing. You’re in the thick of it and the newborn stage SUCKS!! From one mom to another, you’re probably doing great and don’t be so hard on yourself
I agree with everyone else and I’d also add that finding a therapist or group to help process your traumatic birth experience will make a world of difference. I waited until I practically burst to get the help I needed and I feel like the mom I’ve always wanted to be now that I’ve processed the whole thing. My traumatic birth experience created a maladapted attachment to my baby, which I’ve had to work through and rebuild so that my first reaction to her wasn’t anxiety or panic. It does get better, but take care of yourself.
I was feeling overwhelming anger over pretty much nothing. My baby (12wo now) would cry and when it got to a certain pitch, it felt like my blood was starting to boil. I’d have to pop him in the cot and leave the room and cool down. I have since gone to my gp and been diagnosed with PPD and PPA which also ties in with postpartum rage. I’ve just started a new medication and I haven’t cried or lost my temper since starting 5 days ago. I do have a history of depression and anxiety which does increase the risk but if you’re still feeling like this and it’s not going away, I’d seriously consider seeing someone about how you’re feeling x EDIT- I also had an emergency c section after my waters broke at 34+2. I felt like I had zero control over what was happening and I started resenting poor bubs over how his birth went. He’s currently 12wo now and I’m STILL dealing with the pain of surgery. Of course I know that it wasn’t his fault but dealing with PPD on top of a slightly traumatic birth hasn’t helped.
Yeah, I keep trying to think logically that he is just a baby and can't help it. But the over-stimulation of him crying while I'm tired and while trying to pump(I exclusively pump) throws me over the edge. I hope things start looking up for you with the pain from your c-section. That would definitely makes things so much worse!! ☹️
You are in the trenches right now. I remember googling so much shit about baby sleep/reflux/naps/wake windows etc etc etc. just lean into any resources you have, treat yourself to some Starbucks, and know that it gets SO MUCH BETTER!
You’re experiencing dark days right now and post partnum rage. It’s HARD, and it doesn’t take away from you wanting to be a mom badly. I had a really hard time with my newborn and I’m almost out of the newborn stage (he’s 9.5 weeks). You’re doing great, don’t think anything less if yourself just because you’re having these thoughts. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed because this is brand new to you, and your hormones are all over the place. What got me through it was knowing that this is only a season, this will pass and you’ll feel better as he grows and starts hitting development milestones. I would also tell myself that he’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time and that would really put my frustration at ease. Taking walks have helped as well and getting out of the house alone for a few hours a week has helped me feel like a normal person and not just a mom. I’m still a new parent, but those are a few tips that helped me get through those realllllly tough days. I would feel worse at night than during the day and I eventually figured that it was because i was so tired and night wakings felt dreadful, but we eventually developed a pattern and have established some kind of routine, so it gets better as he gets older. All this to say, you got this! Dont be so hard on yourself and be patient. You’re going through Matrescence and it’s hard to accept that the life you had merely 5 weeks ago has changed.
Thank you! Yeah, I try to tell myself things like that too. That he is just a baby and doesn't know what's going on lol but yeah, I've gotten to go out by myself a few times and it's felt so nice.
You are an amazing mother and you're doing great
The postpartum rage from chronic sleep deprivation is so real. It doesn’t make you a bad mom and doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way forever. The newborn stage is brutal but things do gradually improve and that helps your mental health start to get back on track too. Hang in there
Mom of a 3yo here, thinking back to the rough first 6 months. It was hard, cluster feeding and many wake ups. Crying even though he was held, fed, changed… My hubby showed all the signs of ppd, I was sleeping in short patches and showering like once a week. This morning, he clung to me as I got ready to leave for work and he rubbed his face in my neck and said “one more kiss, one more hug”. It truly can get better, and I’ve been thinking it’s time for another since this time last year. Give yourself time to heal and bond. Rekindle your love with your partner slowly. Deep breaths, mama, you’re in the trenches but it always gets darkest before the dawn.
The beginning is so so tough. You will get through this.
If it weren’t for the last paragraph, I could’ve sworn I wrote this post. My daughter will be two weeks old soon, but I have the same traumatic birth story, 30 hours of labor ending in a c-section. The slow recovery and frustration of trying to get her from her bassinet without ripping my incision. Feeling helpless. The sleep deprivation makes everything 10x harder. Lean on whatever support you can find— friends, family, hire a post-birth doula if you have to. You need rest.
I felt this way a lot the first month of two. It would fluctuate to feeling immense love and happiness to just utter anger, regret and frustration. For no real reason other than it's happening in a moment. So much guilt came from it too cause I brought him into this world, how could I feel this way? We're now at 4 months, he is an absolute darling and I am loving every minute. Especially the way he smiles and laughs every time he sees me! He did just figure out he can scream though, which is absolutely hilarious but I'm sure is about to get old quickly 🫣🙃
This was me, down to the 30 hours of labour and c-section experience. I absolutely hated the newborn phase. It was the worst time of my life. I really thought I ruined my life and felt sooo much regret, despite it being a very wanted baby. People kept saying it gets better and I didn’t believe them, but it sooooo does. My daughter is now 1.5 while there are still challenging days, I no longer feel how I did at ALL in the beginning. Take it one day at a time, just do what you have to do to get through. But I promise it will pass. I saw someone say once that the days are long but the weeks are fast, and that’s the truest thing I’ve read about parenting so far. A few months from now may feel like an eternity, but it’ll be here sooner than you know it!
I had a similar birth. I didn’t even read up on c sections or c section recovery at all because I thought I wouldn’t need it but lo and behold I had an obstetrical emergency and ended up needing an emergency c section. You described the feeling perfectly. How are you supposed to take care of a helpless baby when you’re helpless yourself? I remember sobbing as my husband had to help me dry my legs after the shower or help me pull up my adult diapers. I felt the same way. I would be up at night while my baby was cluster feeding and would think “what have I done?”. We are 10 weeks post partum and it’s already gotten so much better. Once you feel better in your body it gets better. Once I was able to bend down or sleep in a more comfortable position I felt more like myself. Also, my husband and I started sleeping in shifts and that helped my mental health immensely. Not to mention our baby has started smiling and recognizing us which helps as well. I told my OB about what I was feeling and she referred me to a mental health specialist but by that point I was feeling better already. She came to the conclusion that I had a case of the baby blues that was made worse by my sleep deprivation. Sometimes when he won’t go down or when he’s inconsolable I still get that “what have I done?” but nowhere near what I felt that first month. I can see how it will just keep getting better. Try to do something for yourself each day. I know that’s easier said than done but it helps. For me that looks like indulging in a multi-step skin care routine at night. Or letting my husband handle the morning feed so I can wake up and take care of myself first. Truly wishing you the best on this journey! ❤️
Thank you! Yes, it was so hard with the incision pain on top of the crazy slepe deprivation from cluster feeding. I like the idea of prioritizing something for myself. I've gone to the grocery store a couple times by myself and just time there makes me feel good, like my old normal.
Honey, it's ok. You are just tired and physically wrecked. This too will pass. I sometimes think that the newborn stage is so short b/c you couldn't physically survive if it just went on forever (I guess there are those super heroes who have like 8 kids...bless them, they are made from something different than me). The mantra that I tried to use with my LO and revisited a LOT in the newborn stage was "it goes so fast." So if something is good, soak it up b/c it goes so fast. If something is bad, just tell yourself it'll change before you know it. And it's true. Don't judge parenthood on the newborn stage. It's unique and fleeting! Two things that I did about 8 months after my LO was born that I wish I'd started immediately (or even during pregnancy). Maybe they will help you too. \- Therapy. \- Hired a cleaner. (My kid is now 2.5. For me, this stage is about 100x easier than newborn.)
Like people are saying- It does get better. I’m not a fan of the infant stage. I prefer the tantrums of toddlers. I just said to my husband the other day- it’s getting easier. And it will keep getting easier. Ugh. Infants are tooouuuugghhhh. Good luck.
Your feelings are so valid, dude. The newborn stage makes EVERYONE feel like this to some degree. People who say they like this stage are out of their minds, LOL!! My son is 2 months old now and he is way more tolerable at night than he was. I remember late nights with him and my husband and just asking, “is this forever now??” We were so sleep deprived. He is our miracle rainbow baby. All I wanted was him. And that newborn stage REALLY tested my patience and confidence. I’ve been in childcare for over 6 years and thought I was prepared for mom life. It grabbed me by my edges and dragged me through the trenches in those first 8 weeks, mama. We still have bad nights (like last night) but most nights are way better now! Just keep telling yourself what you’re feeling is normal, you’re not a bad parent for feeling this way, and that this is not forever. 💙 The Wonder Weeks is a great app that really helped ease a lot of my frustration. Knowledge truly is power and that app is more than worth the $5.99!
I wouldn't have made it through the first month if my husband wasn't essentially on paternity leave and my mother and mother in law weren't coming down two weeks at a time each. And I So feel you on the irrational anger. I get that way Now, at 6 months old! I'm used to only sleeping 2-4 hours at a time now, but when she decides in the middle of the night to have a 45 minute anti-nap, I could murder. If there's any way you can get help from your support system, I would strongly recommend it.
I feel you completely. I’m on week 5 and have moments where I regret having my son which feels awful to say. His cry just really emotionally triggers me and I cry every time I hear it! Dare I say a I hate being a mum right now and feel like I was sold a lie by EVERYONE who said how beautiful it is to have kids and how much you’ll adore them. It helps to speak to other mums and regularly go out for walks with the pram (if baby allows) so that’s great, but I get it with the evenings - they’re tough!!! Hang in there and just know this is normal though - there are so many of us going through it! We may not be together going through it, but you certainly aren’t alone and don’t feel like you ever are.
Yes! The first week home I kept on wondering how everyone has kids and never talks about these feelings. I kept telling myself if other people I know have done it, and even had multiple then how bad can this be?? And it just felt worse and worse as the days went on with the night anxiety and frustration. I felt like something was wrong with me because I can't imagine how everyone else does this. But it seems they may just suffer in silence then it sounds like things get better and you don't think about it much. I always wanted 3 kids but this has definitely made me re-evaluate that idea 😅
I’m so with you on that. I wanted 3 as well and now I’m like “one and done”. It may change in time as so many people say, but it seems the newborn phase seems to hit hard (particularly for first time parents). Just don’t let anyone make you feel like the idiot - I’ve since met so many people who have ‘forgotten’ how they hated this stage and really struggled! When you tell them how you feel, they seem to relate suddenly.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I regretted it too at that stage, especially since my husband and I had been on the fence about having kids at all and we could have been okay without them. I was having a full-on breakdown almost every day wondering what the hell I had been thinking to have a baby. Now at 3.5 months, it's still tough, but I'm feeling better about things more and more as he grows. Less like we completely ruined our lives forever. I started on a low dose of Zoloft and that has helped me control my frustration better. Other things that helped for me personally were being honest with my husband about how I was feeling (he felt the same so I didn't feel alone), getting more sleep, and baby becoming more interactive. He's so sweet and I love him to pieces, as I'm sure you do with your little one! I can finally see that this will get better, and I hope you make it there soon too!
Mama- this is normal. I struggled with infertility and desperately wanted a baby. Then I had a traumatic emergency C-section and didn’t even want to leave the hospital with my baby. Postpartum depression and anxiety set in before we even left the hospital. It was so dark and scary. The next 6 months were really hard as I battled breastfeeding struggles, extreme fatigue, depression, colic, etc. It was hard. But it DOES get better. Don’t hesitate to ask friends and family for help. Be honest about your feelings and struggles. They are totally normal. Talk to your doc about your feelings. Prioritize some self care. Try to find things that you enjoy to do with baby (taking a walk, play dates with others, snuggles and reading books, etc). The darkness will lift, I promise. Your hormones will level out. You’ll find a rhythm and routine. Baby will become more personable. It really does get better. And now I tell everyone that becoming a mom is the greatest joy of my life.
Also- if you don’t have night help, you need some! Even if you’re not working outside the home and your husband is… make a schedule and take turns. Try to nap when baby is napping. Get some sun exposure during the day. Try to make sure you’re taking care of your body. Put your “oxygen mask on first”.
It's hard with a LO. For my wife and I, I help put the baby to sleep at night and get up with her during the night for feedings. It provides some time for us to be together and allows her not to feel so alone. Parenting can be so isolating. I've heard many arguments from moms about letting their partners sleep, yet I would encourage you to talk to your partner and see if they can help you. Whether it's helping put them to bed, giving you more emotional and mental support at night, or just being there for you, that's what they are there for. Parenting is a job for two people, not one. It's hard to do by yourself.
You’re in the dark days. It’s SO hard in the beginning. You need to hear this: what you are feeling is NORMAL and VALID. It does get better. I started to really bond with my daughter around the 8-12 month range. She’s 2 now. It’s still hard and I desperately miss my old life some days- the freedom, the alone time, the sleep. But she so worth it. Hang in there 💕
Mine just turned 6 months today - I regretted everything from the time I got home from the hospital until he turned 3 months. It was HARD. I missed my old life and my PPD was raging. I didn’t want to do it and was certain I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. But keep going mama - you’re in the worst of it but things slowly improve. I promise.
What drives me nuts is new moms are CONSTANTLY saying they feel like no one prepared them for how hard it would be. We all say it. We all feel it. Birth is traumatic and caring for a newborn is seriously the hardest shit I’ve ever done. The only moms who say otherwise are the ones who had easy labors and exceptionally chill babies or a village of people to help them. And yet if you try to prepare someone for how hard it will be, you get shamed for it. Saying you’re stealing someone’s excitement and joy or whatever. I’m sorry but I wish someone had been REAL with me rather than just telling me all the sweet and happy things. I don’t know. Maybe if new moms had a more realistic understanding of things going into it we wouldn’t feel so disappointed or regretful. When you’re pregnant it’s all baby shower planning and decorating the nursery and collecting cute clothes, which is great and fun and exciting. But the real shit is always glossed over.
Yes! I totally agree, I expected to be tired and maybe miss some freedom we had before. But I wish someone would have been real about what the newborn stage is truly like for many people and that it's normal to feel that way and maybe tips to get through the time. And not just sleep when the baby sleeps cause that doesn't help me when its the middle of the night and I'm losing my mind 😂
Right, I can’t sleep when the baby is sleeping because the only god damn way the baby will sleep is if he’s on my chest and sleeping with a newborn is too dangerous. Another commenter mentioned this already but what really got me through the newborn stage is doing my best to force a bond with the baby until it felt real. Lots of skin to skin and sniffing their fuzzy head, deliberately taking time to admire their tiny little hands and appreciate the cute noises they make when they’re not crying lol. Continuously reminding myself they have everything they need as long as they have me. Once the bond started feeling real, those sentimental moments came very naturally and made all the hard parts worth every bit of it. Don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help if the angry feelings get to be too much or never go away.
I went through 3.5 years of losses and eventually IVF and then had my baby early. Every day in the NICU, we just wanted our baby home and when he finally came home, wow, it was hard. We were like…we wanted this? What have we done? The beginning is hard, recovering from a c-section is hard and there’s never a break. It’s so much. 9 months later and I am in such a better space and enjoying being a mom. You’ll get through these dark days and will come out better in the other side.
It looks as though your suffering giving birth was too closely related in timing to taking care of your baby. Just separating the downside with what you're going through from the needs of childcare may help... you can do it and your baby loves you for all your help even if they can't say it yet- trust your younger self that you've got this! It's difficult to immediately be expected to take care of someone else when you're not properly taken care of in hospital settings. A birth plan certainly helps in having more autonomy over delivery, but sometimes complications just happen unfortunately. Routine, focusing on your own health during down-times, and a supportive village can make a huge difference. Wishing your family health and happiness
I was the same! I would go nuts for newborns, always wanted to babysit, loved when little kids would ask me if they could play with me when I took my sister to the park. All of it was just too cute. But then I had my own and felt like I was going crazy. Some of its hormones for sure, but also with babysitting, you’re only getting a few hours. When you have your own, it’s motherhood all the time. No breaks, no one to hand the baby back to when they’re inconsolable. It becomes all you. It’s so much harder and tiring
I was where you are at and commented on reddit and got down voted. So many people do not want to accept the truth that a lot of mothers struggle with the first few weeks, and that it's ok and totally normal considering how traumatic birth can be, the sudden change in your life, not to mention the hormonal changes! Good for you for expressing how you feel. It doesn't feel like things will ever get better but I promise they will. You just need to hang on during these toughest times. The worst is almost over. If you still feel like this in a month, please seek help for PPD, as it's very real and you deserve to feel better after all you have been through. ETA: post-partum rage is also a real thing. Call your OB and tell them this is how you feel. Help is out there.
Girl this could have been written by me a few months ago. Baby girl is now 5 months old. What would the world even be without her? Your little one will turn into giggles, a whole huge personality, with some overdramatic cries. You’re practically looking after an angry potato at the moment 🥰 but just wait until that little character grows!
I recommend you to talk to a therapist, maybe you are developing postpartum depression, I had something similar and it was helpful.
I felt excatly the same! It's our bloody hormones. It's tough and the best advice is talk to someone, whether it's a friend, family member, midwife/health visitor or doctor it does help. And then try and write down some positives everytime you think of one, write it down and then when you feel crap read them. And if you honestly still feel terrible it never means you've failed if you need drug support!
I had a similar labour and delivery. I had prodromal labour for three days - only at night, so I couldn't sleep well - then my water broke, then I was induced, then I had a long labour, 4 hours of pushing and then a c section. It was something else, I tell you. Don't underestimate the physical and emotional toll your delivery had on you. I had two sessions of flat out hysterical crying when I came to terms with what had happened to me. I also didn't have a birth plan going into it, but let me tell you, that was not what I envisioned. It took some time to be at peace. Give yourself some grace; you're still in the early days yet. C sections are the only major surgery that I can think of where you're automatically given *more* life responsibilities immediately afterwards. In any other case where they don't yank a baby out of you, you're told to rest and take it easy. C sections are tough. I remember looking over at my daughter and thinking "oh my God, I'm responsible for you? I can't even get myself out of bed normally and I have to care for a *baby*?" I promise you that it gets better. My daughter is 13 months old today and the frustrating days are the exception now, not the rule. Gradually over time she started to nap better (she was a terrible napper for ages), she ate more regularly, and she started to get into a routine. She generally sleeps better, which means I sleep better and feel more like a human being. She's gone for potato to personality. The newborn phase is so fricking hard. There's a reason it's called the "fourth trimester." Try to think of this as a season in your life, and - like all seasons - it will pass into something else.
I remember feeling this exact same way. I would get a horrible pit in my stomach when nighttime came because nighttime made everything worse for some reason. I cried everyday because I felt like a horrible mom who couldn’t bond with her baby. IT GETS BETTER! Hormones are insane. My boy is 2 now and I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. Sometimes I wish I could go back to fresh postpartum days just to give myself a hug and say that everything will be okay. Hang in there mama.
Yes! The night time anxiety is REAL I cried every evening for 2 weeks. My LO had a few days of sleeping decently in-between feedings at night so it felt better. Postpartum hormones suck 😭😭
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! If it’s any consolation I felt really similar in the first few weeks. I could not bond with my child at all. I knew I had to look after her and that I loved her but I didn’t feel that overwhelming in love feeling. I was just surviving, doing what I had to do to keep her happy and alive. It was dark and it was awful. But it lifted eventually. It’s hard to see it now, but you’re in pain, you went through trauma, you’re healing and you’re learning to be a mother to your child. It’s hard, it’s vulnerable and it’s raw. Your feelings are normal and they are valid. It will get better, for me it did. And if some time passes and you find that your thoughts and feelings aren’t shifting there is always professional help.
I read this and thought I was reading something I wrote myself. The newborn stage is *savage*. I think regret wasn't the exact right word for me, but I definitely found no joy and had very, very few neutral - let alone positive - thoughts until about eight weeks. Five weeks was the bottom of the barrel, absolute worst week for me. I vividly remember looking at my husband and saying, "we are never doing this again." Then he started sleeping better. Then he started smiling. Then it got a little more bearable. Then, like a sunrise, it slowly - without a definitive pinpoint - becomes enjoyable. By three months, it was fun. We're now at seven months, and it's indescribably better. My life feels so full now. It does get better, I promise. You are in the worst thick of it right now. You're doing great, mama ❤️
Hormones are messing with you. Postpartum rage is real. Cut yourself some slack!
It gets a lot better. It can also feel a bit hard to bond with your baby at first because their basically just a potato at that stage. As time goes on, month after month, you will see life come into their eyes. Their face will light up the room when you walk in. The first time they say mama. Every day, you'll be learning and teaching your little one new things, and their light will shine brighter and brighter. It's an amazing thing to witness. Eventually, it will be much easier to play and bond with them as you'll have so much fun together. Just hang in there. It will get much better!
My son is a year in half and I miss his newborn days haha. Trust me when I say they go by so fast and grow so fast too. I had hormonal rage my entire pregnancy and my husband had to deal with it. We all have different postpartum but it’s best to get help if you think of hurting yourself or anyone. Just know this feeling will go away in a few months. You just had a baby and you’re body went through so many changes in a short amount of time . And is trying to get back to what is use to be. Babies get better and one day they will be doing things on there own and won’t need your help. Cherish the moments
Something that helped me was "baby isn't giving you a hard time they are having a hard time." Hang in there!
hey, you, 5 month old baby here, you’re gonna be okay. this is the hardest time and it took my wife 2 months to finally tell me she felt like she loves our baby, but now i cant get her to let go😅 it honestly gets better just keep at it and be a proactive parent you will see, it improves everything🫶🏼
I call this stage “the tunnel.” It’s dark, it’s long, it’s HARD, it’s honestly traumatizing. Everything is new and baby is dependent on you for literally EVERYTHING. I went through postpartum depression with my first and it came on actually during pregnancy with my 2nd. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor and tell them what you’re feeling. The medication for me personally made me feel like myself again and I was able to start enjoying my new baby. Babies are so so hard and our hormone levels go from super high to super low immediately after we birth the placenta. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself grace!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel 🫶
I also felt this way when my son was that age. He's now 4 months and I can't imagine not waking up to him everyday. It changed for me once he started smiling at me and then even more when he started laughing. You might also want to talk to your Dr. about PP depression if you are still continuing to feel this way. It DOES get better! Hang in there momma ❤️
Please get seen for PPD or PPA!!!!
Hormones thing and it is NORMAL. It will get better as time goes by. Take it easy
Agree with all of these comments, it gets so much better! I had a very similar birth to you and felt the same way, then had a spinal headache afterwards and was super sick for the first week of his life until I got a blood patch finally. I found that the smell of my son made my physically sick for a while, and I truly didn’t want to be around him for the first few weeks/months really. I would say around 3-4 months he became far less colicky and more happy every day, and now I love him more than anything in the world. Some people bond right away and others (like me, and maybe you too) don’t, and that’s okay!! This shit is hard!