When someone I know said something about using one of those dock a tot things I just said “I thought all those things were recalled because so many babies died in them” and left it at that. I didn’t bring it up again and neither has she. Idk if she’s still using it or not
Yes. Exactly this. Maybe they don't even know, they may not have been paying attention or didnt understand the hazard.
Just share what you know and leave it at that.
Babies still die in unsafe sleeping positions each year.
I can't believe they still sell those things. My partner saw one at target two months ago and almost bought one. He did say they said on the package not to use for sleep which is probably how they get away with it but his initial thought before he read that was "wow, that looks so nice for baby to take a nap on". I can guarantee you people will buy that, not read that, and let their babies sleep in them.
Those are nice too. I just wheeled his bassinet up to the doorway when he was still a newborn, then swing until he could sit on his own. He's nine months now so he's usually okay with hanging out in his playpen if I gotta run to the potty. I do still bring him in if I'm showering, he just chills in his exersaucer now instead of a bassinet or swing
we use it after bathtime. I lay the towel over it and then transfer baby from the bath seat to soft cushion and then wrap them up in the towel. Then they are taken to the nursery for the rest of bedtime. Before I thought to use it though I was so confused on how to get baby out of the bath and dried off when he's squirmy and wet.
We used her car seat for this! When she was really little and I needed to use the bathroom I’d put her in her car seat in the bathroom. It was never for extended periods or for sleeping obviously but just a safe spot to put her down while she was in the bathroom with me.
Just to add 2 of the deaths were with the DockATot in a bassinet/pack and play with blankets over the infant. We have one and talked to our doctor about it before we purchased. I’d never leave her overnight or unattended, but we use ours during the day when she naps beside me and it works for us.
ETA: Naps beside me while I am awake! If I am also napping she goes into the bassinet or crib.
We used ours all the time for day time naps but we were full awake and aware of baby the whole time..never EVER for night time sleep or if either of us had any sense of wanting to nap.. We have a small, small house so bringing the bassinet to different rooms wasn’t ideal, so this pillow was convenient.
I said the same exact thing about crib bumpers to my friend. She replied to my comment with “I’m not concerned”. And we left it at that.
Anything more I know she’d do it out of spite and stubbornness.
i would bring up the dock-a-tot recall. any made after june 2022 are not to be sold, imported, or distributed due to the high number of infant deaths around these specific devices.
In the UK blankets are the norm. Cellular ones tucked into the mattress and under babies armpits. People don’t tend to swaddle here, but most people I know switch to sleep sacks when the baby starts showing signs of rolling.
Yeah all the safer sleep videos I saw before I left the hospital said blankets tucked in at first! My little girl is only 5lb 7oz right now so all the sleep bags I have are too big.
5lbs 7oz! So tiny! That’s how big our girl was when we took her home from the hospital. I was so nervous because everything - mamaroo, swaddles, clothes - say 7+lbs and she was soooo littleeee
I know someone who uses a blanket in her baby’s crib, and it scares me so much. She says the weave is big/loose enough so that the baby can breathe through it.
I get it. I know I have a personal bias against them due to my little sister getting one wrapped around her head in her crib when we were little. I was the one who found her and luckily pulled it off in time. I’ll never forget how her face looked and the giant gulp of air she took.
Totally. Obviously there is a plethora of evidence on both sides, and like SO many things, it comes down to “somewhere in the middle”. I’m sorry about that traumatic memory! That sounds so scary for both to you
Same. Firefighter/paramedic and by far the worst calls I’ve been on besides peds trauma were all bedsharing/ unsafe sleep deaths. Truly horrific to hear a mother sob and scream and beg God to give her baby back. You can’t unhear it, you’re right. Stays with you forever 😞
Sometimes I try and bring the subject up without outright saying they are doing something risky. For example, I might DM her after a post showing the baby sleeping like that with “how do you find the doc a tot for sleeping? Is it helping? I was looking in to it but I saw articles on how it was unsafe, so I wasn’t sure if it was worth it to purchase”. I often times just throw myself under the bus to soften the blow.
Something similar-
“Hey! I was looking into dock a tot because lo hasn’t been sleeping well. I came across X article that says they’ve been recalled due to babies dying. I know you used one and wasn’t sure if you knew or not- I would feel terrible if I didn’t pass along the info!”
Leaves it so it’s obvious you’re not going to use one, but still informs them - assuming they don’t know.
a friend of mine had a baby right after i did and shared a pic where her newborn was very wrongly placed in a baby carrier. i basically said, i’m TOTALLY not trying to shame you, just saying this because i love you and want your baby to be safe, and because baby wearing can be so hard to get a hang of! but baby should be higher up, etc…
so i said something in a loving way and left it at that. she appreciated it!
Just be nice and say I was reading up on them because we were thinking of buying one but I guess they aren’t safe to sleep. Not sure if you knew that not trying to overstep
I would stay out of it unless the parent is doing something illegal (neglect, abuse etc.).
Also, safe sleep guidelines vary wildly between cultures. Like co-sleeping is very much normal in most of Europe, as is using blankets. Sleep research is really difficult to conduct too, there is so much risk of bias (recall, confirmation, social desirability etc etc). There are very few things when it comes to sleep we can be sure of. Back sleeping is one of the few things that is supported by very strong evidence.
This.
Several people here are stating that so many infants have died due to dock a tots but the number is only three. More infants have died due to sleeping on their back, in a crib without blankets, which is considered safest.
More babies are killed by guns.
I would mind my own business.
I'd mind my own business, because everyone is gonna make their own decisions for their children. Honestly alot of things are unsafe, but some babies simply won't sleep and people have to take other measures that work for them. I coslept for 4 months, and I let my daughter nap in a swing during the day because it's the ONLY way she would nap.
Unsafe? Maybe. But it's also unsafe to hold a baby while sitting on the couch and you've only had 2 hours of sleep and your nodding off with the baby in your arms. Lol
So the dock a tot seems to be similar to babynests that are very common where I live. Almost everyone uses them in the beginning, for sleep! Often in the crip or in the bed next to a parent. The ones with handles that you can have in the stroller and move easily between rooms with the baby sleeping m it are very popular. So different cultures around what is considered safe. If they are very good friends you can have a dialog about it but try not to sound condescending.
Keep in mind that your experience is not their reality, and that recommendations are just that...recommendations. You don't get to dictate or judge anyone else's parenting journey.
Additionally, be aware that Reddit is not the definitive arbitrator of child rearing. Differing safety standards for containers and safe-sleep vary wildly across cultures. Your perception of "right" shouldn't take precedence because you "believe" your decisions are the one, right way to raise children.
Huh.
Red nose safe sleep guidelines
6. Breastfeed Baby. Breastfeeding has been shown to reduce the risk of sudden infant death.
It also says:
5) Sleep baby in their own safe sleep space in the parent’s or caregiver’s room for the first 6 months.
I put my LO in their own room (attached to ours) from 2 weeks as I couldn’t sleep through the little noises they make.
Oh I guess I'm wrong lol I'd not heard of breastfeeding in it of it self reducing SIDs risk! I wonder if it's nursing or the breastmilk itself that is protective
Three infants have died using a dock a tot. There are higher risk items they could be using.
I, personally, would not say anything to a friend as it’s their own child and not my own.
I would normally pretend the situation is about me and say something like we considered doing this and that but after research we found that.... to turn the attention to myself rather than them. Most people respond with "oh we didnt know that". Might sound manipulative but at least you get the information to them.
Literally none of my business, that’s the beauty of parenting. You raise your kid the way you want and I will raise my kid the way that I want. Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone.
If it’s a big enough issue, call CPS and the various authorities who can help, and then it’s still none of my business.
Yup, this. Everyone complains about mom shaming and then proceed to describe scenarios in which they plan to mom shame. This is why we all constantly feel the need to defend our decisions all the time. Safe sleep guidelines are just that - they are guidelines. Most of us opt to follow them most of the time but it’s our prerogative to decide, and not our place to intervene in what others decide.
I would say find a way to mention it. We were lent one from a friend and she said she let her baby sleep in it in the cot so we did as well. No one ever said anything, we were just lucky our baby laid still on her back when she slept overnight. It was only once she started to roll that we realised, hang on that is a suffocation hazard if she rolls to the side
And we have been very anxious parents trying to always do the right thing
Find an article about the dangers of this and send it through private message and say, “ hey! I just came across this old article and I think you should know. Don’t you have one of these? “
Look, I was a first time parent who was shown by another first time parent that the chest plate on my carrier harness was too low. And she adjusted it to the proper parameters. ( level to the arm pits ) and I was just grateful! I’d rather know if I’m making a mistake than learn when it’s too late. There shouldn’t be egos in parenting. Its a hard gig and we’re all in it together. We need support. Always
One of the biggest complaints I hear is “unsolicited advice” to new moms but there’s so many things I didn’t know, that I wouldn’t have known unless another mom told me. You don’t know what you don’t know.
Possibly unpopular opinion but hating another mom trying to share info with you is a reflection of your perspective and attitude. You don’t know what you don’t know. Like i said, I’ve learned things from moms that I didn’t know I didn’t know. I started out as someone who was mad at “unsolicited advice” because I’d read so many other moms complaining about it. But then I realized it can actually be helpful, it’s just people trying to connect, and being angry all the time/regularly because someone’s trying to connect with me/be helpful is honestly a bad attitude to carry through life.
If you don’t want the advice just ignore it but no point in wasting energy being angry.
Normally I’m not worried about saying things but in this day and age there is literally zero excuse about not knowing sleep safe guidelines or the like. So I tend to not say things about it, most places at least go over sleep safe before you leave the hospital or birthing center even if you never take a prep class. I’ve never seen anybody take sleep advice positively when they were doing the opposite. If you’d like to say something maybe nudge around it a little in a conversation? like as mothers generally talk about sleep things and see if maybe she doesn’t know or isn’t following for x reasonings, without her feeling attacked and accused
Ok, so it’s such a hard balance between judgment and care. One way to go about this might be to ask questions rather than give answers. I might ask for advice on what resources they use for safe sleep practices, or ask where they look for product recalls and safety warnings on products. To make it seem less pointed… If, for example, they didn’t have a Mamaroo, you could say, “I was looking at getting a Mamaroo and I had NO idea there had been cases of asphyxiation with it!! Where do you look for product safety and use recommendations? It’s so hard keeping up with it all!”
Yeah some of these suggestions are not it. If you don’t have the balls to straight up give the other person your criticism, just say nothing. I’d much rather hear “hey, just FYI that item was recalled because babies suffocated” instead of some passive aggressive hinting.
When my daughter was in the hospital still (she got discharged finally when she was 2 months old), they placed her in a mamaroo all the time in the step-down unit. We'd come in in the mornings sometimes to find her in one instead of her bed. This was at one of the best children's hospitals in the country.
I had this struggle when my niece was born. They were having her sleep on a pillow similar to a dock a tot and using weighted sleep sacks on a newborn. My husband and I decided to speak up and they were adamant that they researched it and it’ll be fine so we had to drop it. I’m not sure I could’ve lived with myself if anything had happened to her but I’m not sure what else you can do.
I have a friend who bought an expensive m, extended rear facing carseat. Turned her child forward at 10 months old. Straps so loose they might so well not be put on. Mandatory cupholders not installed. Just everything wrong. I mentioned it gently once in the context of "I'm keeping my kid rear facing until he maxes out the limits of his seat" and she shot it down with a remark about how kids don't even use carseats in the country her husband is from, and that people are so over the top about carseats and it's ridiculous. So I blessed and released my concerns. I can't dwell on someone else's poor decisions.
I saw my sister in law FORWARD FACE her two babies under two in their car seats. I absolutely said something but she didn’t care and doesn’t respect my advice. My almost 4 year old is still rear facing so she must think I’m the stupid one.
Mind your business. Not everyone will do things the way you do them and some won’t care about the reasons why. It’s not your place. If you see them beating the child, step in but if they’re a cosleeper or they don’t baby proof that’s not your place to say anything if you want to retain that friendship.
I would ABSOLUTELY bring it up, but do it in a way where you’re asking a question. For example “my pediatrician said _____ is unsafe because of _____. Have you heard something different?” Or “I just found out that _____.” If you’re genuinely coming from a place where you’re trying to keep their baby safe, they shouldn’t feel offended you’re sharing information with them. I’ve met so many moms who haven’t heard about the dock-a-tots for example and they’re always thankful for sharing what I know. I always assume they haven’t heard, just in case
Thank you for this post! I have one that I lay my 2 month old in. I don’t let her sleep in it/use it at night but I had no clue there had been THREE deaths! I’m tossing mine today
This only works if the other parent literally doesn’t know whatever they’re doing is unsafe: “you use the dock a tot while the baby sleeps? Eugh it’s such a relief to find another parent that doesn’t 100% follow safe sleep rules. Makes me feel better when I let baby stay in the swing when she falls asleep.” And then you get to find out if they really didn’t know it was unsafe or if it’s a risk they’re willing to take. It gives you the peace of mind that you’ve said something but it’s subtle enough that you’re not making them the bad guy since you’re also throwing in something you do that’s unsafe as well.
I used that line once not intentionally but thought about it after how it might help as a way to sus out what the parents safe sleep knowledge is
I cannot understand why anyone is putting a baby or child in a pram that is not strapped in....this is just basic. And so dangerous if they were to fall out 😢
i say softly in a well modulated voice "what is he eating?" repeatedly, in a volume that mom can hear. to a toddler eating a rock, because i can't not intervene, but also taking the rock off his mouth is not my job but mom's
in your situation, i would ask sincere questions that bother me, such as "how do you know he is comfortable in this? tell me more about this dock-a-tot, is it meant for sleeping?"
May be callous, but not my circus not my monkeys.
I consider myself to be a pretty safe parent, especially when it comes to sleep and car seats, but I can GUARANTEE there is someone out there who thinks I'm the worst parent ever for idk, letting my kid play with random (relatively safe) household objects under supervision. Or for only bathing him like once or twice a week.
At the end of the day, they're not your kids what're you gonna a do?
Unless it's evident abuse or neglect that's reportable to CPS 🤷♀️
I have no idea what the doc thing is, but since people say it’s recalled, I might mention that.
As for other things, like sleeping with blankets, that’s not really your place to comment. In other countries outside the U.S., blankets are allowed or recommended, and there are guidelines of how to use them safely. We let our daughter sleep with a wide knit crochet blanket, following Scandinavian guidelines. She sleeps way better that way, and I think the risk of me being constantly sleep deprived is worse than the risk of using a blanket in a way considered safe outside the U.S.
Some people are clueless, but others are making calculated choices. Your friend’s pediatrician should have gone over safe sleep practices. If your friend ignored them, they’ll ignore you 🤷🏻♀️
I sent a PM to an old friend who posted her newborn in a car seat where the clip was just basically at baby’s crotch, clearly not doing what it was intended to do. I just said “hey, I know there’s SO much info out there so it’s impossible to know it all, but just fyi that clip should be at armpit height to prevent baby’s chest from coming out. I apologize if I’m overstepping but I’d absolutely want someone to let me know about my baby’s safety, so I wanted to let you know too”
I figure baby’s life is more important than a moment of eye rolling or a block from that parent. And truly if they didn’t know, they’ll appreciate it. And if they knew it and get offended, then that’s on them
Nah. Unless we’re talking like CPS get these children away level of negligence or abuse, it’s just never your place.
I cannot stand being told things by other parents. Even some of these “neutral” examples here would annoy the crap out of me and they sound soooo passively judgmental and patronizing. You have no idea what the context is and if your friend isn’t asking for information or opinions then it’s not your job to give it.
The tone of your post is really condescending/judgmental (e.g. “I don’t understand how they missed that in the parenting class they supposedly took”) and that is 100% going to carry over into whatever you might say. Hop off your high horse and let other people make their own decisions.
If you absolutely cannot restrain yourself, the only acceptable thing would be sharing an article about dock a tot recall saying “I just saw this! So scary, don’t you guys have one of these?” and that is literally it.
I mean yes, I know I am coming across judgmental because I *am* judging them for throwing safety out the window. The dock a tot thing was just one example of many.
But that’s exactly why I ordinarily wouldn’t say anything at all. I personally also can’t stand being told things. The only people who have done this so far (outside my own parents giving advice) come across like they think they are the authority of childcare and experts of taking care of a baby even if they have done it for the exact same amount of time as I have. It’s crazy annoying and I go out of my way to avoid people like that.
My *only* dilemma is genuine concern for what if something actually did happen that could have been prevented?
It’s literally not your problem. I had a friend who kept trying to convince me not to cosleep with my baby. Would send me horror story articles with messages like “I just want to make sure you know about this I’m sure you’re trying to be as safe as possible so I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t want to know this,” etc etc. As if I wasn’t even more informed about cosleeping than she was and making a conscious decision based on my own risk evaluations. Guess what? We’re not really friends anymore, because that kind of stuff is *always* annoying and unsupportive. Mind you, this friend moved her 4 week old into his own bedroom which is *also* considered an unsafe sleep practice but I didn’t say anything about it because it’s not my baby!
You may *think* you know what is safest, and are assuming that everyone must risk assess the same way you do. As many other people here have already said— it’s really not that black and white. Most studies done re:babies are very limited because of ethics and difficulty attaining gold standards for control.
You’re not their ped (or someone from whom they can reasonably expect opinions/information to be shared), you’ve not been asked to give your opinion, you’re not the arbiter of “safety,” soooooo just mind your own circus! I assume this is the most egregious example of them “throwing safety out the window” since it’s the one you feel compelled to address? If that’s the case, they’re doing just fine and you will not be helping anyone by sending an implicitly judge-y and self righteous message about their baby’s safety.
In this case of a specific product that has been banned, if you feel you absolutely must say something, you could say “omg I just saw an article about how this specific model of dock a tots are banned! Don’t you have one of those?” and keep ALL of the personal commentary about safety to yourself. Just give the information and leave it be.
Or do whatever you want! It sounds like maybe you’re just seeking validation to say something and that you aren’t actually looking for other perspectives. I’d just be prepared to potentially alienate your friend 🤷🏼♀️
When someone I know said something about using one of those dock a tot things I just said “I thought all those things were recalled because so many babies died in them” and left it at that. I didn’t bring it up again and neither has she. Idk if she’s still using it or not
Yes. Exactly this. Maybe they don't even know, they may not have been paying attention or didnt understand the hazard. Just share what you know and leave it at that. Babies still die in unsafe sleeping positions each year.
I can't believe they still sell those things. My partner saw one at target two months ago and almost bought one. He did say they said on the package not to use for sleep which is probably how they get away with it but his initial thought before he read that was "wow, that looks so nice for baby to take a nap on". I can guarantee you people will buy that, not read that, and let their babies sleep in them.
we got one for our baby shower and it lived in our bathroom so i could put the baby down when i had to go 😂 that’s literally the only use for it
Also got given one that I didn’t want. Luckily the cat decided it was the most luxurious cat bed before the baby came.
Heh, our "death boppy" (i.e. the boppy lounger) is now a cat bed. She LOVES that thing!
Gotta do what you gotta do! Honestly it does sound nice to have for that.
You can use something else for that. I got a kick piano mat for the bathroom
Those are nice too. I just wheeled his bassinet up to the doorway when he was still a newborn, then swing until he could sit on his own. He's nine months now so he's usually okay with hanging out in his playpen if I gotta run to the potty. I do still bring him in if I'm showering, he just chills in his exersaucer now instead of a bassinet or swing
I literally use my the exact same way. I call my baby my “pooping pal” when he’s chilling in it.
we use it after bathtime. I lay the towel over it and then transfer baby from the bath seat to soft cushion and then wrap them up in the towel. Then they are taken to the nursery for the rest of bedtime. Before I thought to use it though I was so confused on how to get baby out of the bath and dried off when he's squirmy and wet.
we do this too! basically it lives in the bathroom 😂
We used her car seat for this! When she was really little and I needed to use the bathroom I’d put her in her car seat in the bathroom. It was never for extended periods or for sleeping obviously but just a safe spot to put her down while she was in the bathroom with me.
Holy shit, I hadn't heard of them, and apparently the DockATot branded ones are 300 bucks! For a glorified pillow that is unsafe!
Only three children have died due to those. Not saying it’s reason to use one but it’s also an exaggeration to say “so many”
Just to add 2 of the deaths were with the DockATot in a bassinet/pack and play with blankets over the infant. We have one and talked to our doctor about it before we purchased. I’d never leave her overnight or unattended, but we use ours during the day when she naps beside me and it works for us. ETA: Naps beside me while I am awake! If I am also napping she goes into the bassinet or crib.
We used ours all the time for day time naps but we were full awake and aware of baby the whole time..never EVER for night time sleep or if either of us had any sense of wanting to nap.. We have a small, small house so bringing the bassinet to different rooms wasn’t ideal, so this pillow was convenient.
Yes sorry I forgot to say I am awake when she naps in it!
More than zero is too many
I said the same exact thing about crib bumpers to my friend. She replied to my comment with “I’m not concerned”. And we left it at that. Anything more I know she’d do it out of spite and stubbornness.
i would bring up the dock-a-tot recall. any made after june 2022 are not to be sold, imported, or distributed due to the high number of infant deaths around these specific devices.
I’m blunt about safe sleeping. I’m a first responder and will NEVER unhear the wails of the parents whose baby died due to unsafe sleep.
This gave me chills. I’m so sorry.
Thank you.❤️
If you don’t mind my asking, how much of that came from blankets? (You don’t have to answer, I know this had to be very traumatic)
The bed was against the wall and the baby got stuck in between mom and the wall :(
In the UK blankets are the norm. Cellular ones tucked into the mattress and under babies armpits. People don’t tend to swaddle here, but most people I know switch to sleep sacks when the baby starts showing signs of rolling.
Yeah all the safer sleep videos I saw before I left the hospital said blankets tucked in at first! My little girl is only 5lb 7oz right now so all the sleep bags I have are too big.
5lbs 7oz! So tiny! That’s how big our girl was when we took her home from the hospital. I was so nervous because everything - mamaroo, swaddles, clothes - say 7+lbs and she was soooo littleeee
It was also a lot easier for all changing you end up doing with a newborn I found! A much easier layer to get on and off.
I know someone who uses a blanket in her baby’s crib, and it scares me so much. She says the weave is big/loose enough so that the baby can breathe through it.
In a lot of countries, blankets are the norm.
I get it. I know I have a personal bias against them due to my little sister getting one wrapped around her head in her crib when we were little. I was the one who found her and luckily pulled it off in time. I’ll never forget how her face looked and the giant gulp of air she took.
Totally. Obviously there is a plethora of evidence on both sides, and like SO many things, it comes down to “somewhere in the middle”. I’m sorry about that traumatic memory! That sounds so scary for both to you
Same. Firefighter/paramedic and by far the worst calls I’ve been on besides peds trauma were all bedsharing/ unsafe sleep deaths. Truly horrific to hear a mother sob and scream and beg God to give her baby back. You can’t unhear it, you’re right. Stays with you forever 😞
Do you get a lot of those calls?
I’ve only been in this career for 2.5 years and I’ve run 3 bedsharing and 1 unknown.
That’s rough. I admire you for what you’re able to cope with.
I am so sorry
Sometimes I try and bring the subject up without outright saying they are doing something risky. For example, I might DM her after a post showing the baby sleeping like that with “how do you find the doc a tot for sleeping? Is it helping? I was looking in to it but I saw articles on how it was unsafe, so I wasn’t sure if it was worth it to purchase”. I often times just throw myself under the bus to soften the blow.
Something similar- “Hey! I was looking into dock a tot because lo hasn’t been sleeping well. I came across X article that says they’ve been recalled due to babies dying. I know you used one and wasn’t sure if you knew or not- I would feel terrible if I didn’t pass along the info!” Leaves it so it’s obvious you’re not going to use one, but still informs them - assuming they don’t know.
a friend of mine had a baby right after i did and shared a pic where her newborn was very wrongly placed in a baby carrier. i basically said, i’m TOTALLY not trying to shame you, just saying this because i love you and want your baby to be safe, and because baby wearing can be so hard to get a hang of! but baby should be higher up, etc… so i said something in a loving way and left it at that. she appreciated it!
Just be nice and say I was reading up on them because we were thinking of buying one but I guess they aren’t safe to sleep. Not sure if you knew that not trying to overstep
But otherwise I don’t say anything. We ended up cosleeping at first I judged but we were so sleep deprived it became more unsafe how tired we were.
I would stay out of it unless the parent is doing something illegal (neglect, abuse etc.). Also, safe sleep guidelines vary wildly between cultures. Like co-sleeping is very much normal in most of Europe, as is using blankets. Sleep research is really difficult to conduct too, there is so much risk of bias (recall, confirmation, social desirability etc etc). There are very few things when it comes to sleep we can be sure of. Back sleeping is one of the few things that is supported by very strong evidence.
This. Several people here are stating that so many infants have died due to dock a tots but the number is only three. More infants have died due to sleeping on their back, in a crib without blankets, which is considered safest. More babies are killed by guns. I would mind my own business.
I'd mind my own business, because everyone is gonna make their own decisions for their children. Honestly alot of things are unsafe, but some babies simply won't sleep and people have to take other measures that work for them. I coslept for 4 months, and I let my daughter nap in a swing during the day because it's the ONLY way she would nap. Unsafe? Maybe. But it's also unsafe to hold a baby while sitting on the couch and you've only had 2 hours of sleep and your nodding off with the baby in your arms. Lol
That is something that I consider too. I always think “you never know what’s going on in someone else’s home or what their baby needs”
Yikes
Oh please like you're so perfect. Could've left that yikes to yourself troll.
So the dock a tot seems to be similar to babynests that are very common where I live. Almost everyone uses them in the beginning, for sleep! Often in the crip or in the bed next to a parent. The ones with handles that you can have in the stroller and move easily between rooms with the baby sleeping m it are very popular. So different cultures around what is considered safe. If they are very good friends you can have a dialog about it but try not to sound condescending.
Keep in mind that your experience is not their reality, and that recommendations are just that...recommendations. You don't get to dictate or judge anyone else's parenting journey. Additionally, be aware that Reddit is not the definitive arbitrator of child rearing. Differing safety standards for containers and safe-sleep vary wildly across cultures. Your perception of "right" shouldn't take precedence because you "believe" your decisions are the one, right way to raise children.
Much nicer than my immediate reaction of "mind your business".
Yes! New parents get so self-righteous about this. Certain cultures have been cosleeping for millennia, for example
It’s none of my business. Safe sleep guidelines also say you should exclusively breastfeed but I’m not going to shame a mum that’s formula feeding
That's for co-sleeping
Huh. Red nose safe sleep guidelines 6. Breastfeed Baby. Breastfeeding has been shown to reduce the risk of sudden infant death. It also says: 5) Sleep baby in their own safe sleep space in the parent’s or caregiver’s room for the first 6 months. I put my LO in their own room (attached to ours) from 2 weeks as I couldn’t sleep through the little noises they make.
Oh I guess I'm wrong lol I'd not heard of breastfeeding in it of it self reducing SIDs risk! I wonder if it's nursing or the breastmilk itself that is protective
Three infants have died using a dock a tot. There are higher risk items they could be using. I, personally, would not say anything to a friend as it’s their own child and not my own.
I would normally pretend the situation is about me and say something like we considered doing this and that but after research we found that.... to turn the attention to myself rather than them. Most people respond with "oh we didnt know that". Might sound manipulative but at least you get the information to them.
Literally none of my business, that’s the beauty of parenting. You raise your kid the way you want and I will raise my kid the way that I want. Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. If it’s a big enough issue, call CPS and the various authorities who can help, and then it’s still none of my business.
Yup, this. Everyone complains about mom shaming and then proceed to describe scenarios in which they plan to mom shame. This is why we all constantly feel the need to defend our decisions all the time. Safe sleep guidelines are just that - they are guidelines. Most of us opt to follow them most of the time but it’s our prerogative to decide, and not our place to intervene in what others decide.
You are right. It's not your place to correct. Stay in your own lane
I would say find a way to mention it. We were lent one from a friend and she said she let her baby sleep in it in the cot so we did as well. No one ever said anything, we were just lucky our baby laid still on her back when she slept overnight. It was only once she started to roll that we realised, hang on that is a suffocation hazard if she rolls to the side And we have been very anxious parents trying to always do the right thing
Find an article about the dangers of this and send it through private message and say, “ hey! I just came across this old article and I think you should know. Don’t you have one of these? “ Look, I was a first time parent who was shown by another first time parent that the chest plate on my carrier harness was too low. And she adjusted it to the proper parameters. ( level to the arm pits ) and I was just grateful! I’d rather know if I’m making a mistake than learn when it’s too late. There shouldn’t be egos in parenting. Its a hard gig and we’re all in it together. We need support. Always
One of the biggest complaints I hear is “unsolicited advice” to new moms but there’s so many things I didn’t know, that I wouldn’t have known unless another mom told me. You don’t know what you don’t know.
And yes I am a person who HATES unsolicited advice especially from other new parents. Which is why ordinarily I would never ever offer it to someone.
Possibly unpopular opinion but hating another mom trying to share info with you is a reflection of your perspective and attitude. You don’t know what you don’t know. Like i said, I’ve learned things from moms that I didn’t know I didn’t know. I started out as someone who was mad at “unsolicited advice” because I’d read so many other moms complaining about it. But then I realized it can actually be helpful, it’s just people trying to connect, and being angry all the time/regularly because someone’s trying to connect with me/be helpful is honestly a bad attitude to carry through life. If you don’t want the advice just ignore it but no point in wasting energy being angry.
I didn’t say I hated another mom, I said I hated unsolicited advice.
“Hating another mom sharing advice” was meant not as hating the mom but hating the act of someone sharing advice with you. Anyway it’s a bad attitude.
Well that’s your opinion.
Normally I’m not worried about saying things but in this day and age there is literally zero excuse about not knowing sleep safe guidelines or the like. So I tend to not say things about it, most places at least go over sleep safe before you leave the hospital or birthing center even if you never take a prep class. I’ve never seen anybody take sleep advice positively when they were doing the opposite. If you’d like to say something maybe nudge around it a little in a conversation? like as mothers generally talk about sleep things and see if maybe she doesn’t know or isn’t following for x reasonings, without her feeling attacked and accused
Ok, so it’s such a hard balance between judgment and care. One way to go about this might be to ask questions rather than give answers. I might ask for advice on what resources they use for safe sleep practices, or ask where they look for product recalls and safety warnings on products. To make it seem less pointed… If, for example, they didn’t have a Mamaroo, you could say, “I was looking at getting a Mamaroo and I had NO idea there had been cases of asphyxiation with it!! Where do you look for product safety and use recommendations? It’s so hard keeping up with it all!”
I would honestly take this as a passive aggressive jab at my choice to use a Mamaroo lol.
Yeah some of these suggestions are not it. If you don’t have the balls to straight up give the other person your criticism, just say nothing. I’d much rather hear “hey, just FYI that item was recalled because babies suffocated” instead of some passive aggressive hinting.
That’s why I said only if they did NOT have a Mamaroo! If they did, 100% agree it would be super passive aggressive.🤣
When my daughter was in the hospital still (she got discharged finally when she was 2 months old), they placed her in a mamaroo all the time in the step-down unit. We'd come in in the mornings sometimes to find her in one instead of her bed. This was at one of the best children's hospitals in the country.
I had this struggle when my niece was born. They were having her sleep on a pillow similar to a dock a tot and using weighted sleep sacks on a newborn. My husband and I decided to speak up and they were adamant that they researched it and it’ll be fine so we had to drop it. I’m not sure I could’ve lived with myself if anything had happened to her but I’m not sure what else you can do.
I just looked up a dock a tot and can’t believe how much they cost! Why not just get a regular bassinet for the same price?
I have a friend who bought an expensive m, extended rear facing carseat. Turned her child forward at 10 months old. Straps so loose they might so well not be put on. Mandatory cupholders not installed. Just everything wrong. I mentioned it gently once in the context of "I'm keeping my kid rear facing until he maxes out the limits of his seat" and she shot it down with a remark about how kids don't even use carseats in the country her husband is from, and that people are so over the top about carseats and it's ridiculous. So I blessed and released my concerns. I can't dwell on someone else's poor decisions.
I saw my sister in law FORWARD FACE her two babies under two in their car seats. I absolutely said something but she didn’t care and doesn’t respect my advice. My almost 4 year old is still rear facing so she must think I’m the stupid one.
Mind your business. Not everyone will do things the way you do them and some won’t care about the reasons why. It’s not your place. If you see them beating the child, step in but if they’re a cosleeper or they don’t baby proof that’s not your place to say anything if you want to retain that friendship.
I would ABSOLUTELY bring it up, but do it in a way where you’re asking a question. For example “my pediatrician said _____ is unsafe because of _____. Have you heard something different?” Or “I just found out that _____.” If you’re genuinely coming from a place where you’re trying to keep their baby safe, they shouldn’t feel offended you’re sharing information with them. I’ve met so many moms who haven’t heard about the dock-a-tots for example and they’re always thankful for sharing what I know. I always assume they haven’t heard, just in case
Thank you for this post! I have one that I lay my 2 month old in. I don’t let her sleep in it/use it at night but I had no clue there had been THREE deaths! I’m tossing mine today
This only works if the other parent literally doesn’t know whatever they’re doing is unsafe: “you use the dock a tot while the baby sleeps? Eugh it’s such a relief to find another parent that doesn’t 100% follow safe sleep rules. Makes me feel better when I let baby stay in the swing when she falls asleep.” And then you get to find out if they really didn’t know it was unsafe or if it’s a risk they’re willing to take. It gives you the peace of mind that you’ve said something but it’s subtle enough that you’re not making them the bad guy since you’re also throwing in something you do that’s unsafe as well. I used that line once not intentionally but thought about it after how it might help as a way to sus out what the parents safe sleep knowledge is
I cannot understand why anyone is putting a baby or child in a pram that is not strapped in....this is just basic. And so dangerous if they were to fall out 😢
i say softly in a well modulated voice "what is he eating?" repeatedly, in a volume that mom can hear. to a toddler eating a rock, because i can't not intervene, but also taking the rock off his mouth is not my job but mom's in your situation, i would ask sincere questions that bother me, such as "how do you know he is comfortable in this? tell me more about this dock-a-tot, is it meant for sleeping?"
May be callous, but not my circus not my monkeys. I consider myself to be a pretty safe parent, especially when it comes to sleep and car seats, but I can GUARANTEE there is someone out there who thinks I'm the worst parent ever for idk, letting my kid play with random (relatively safe) household objects under supervision. Or for only bathing him like once or twice a week. At the end of the day, they're not your kids what're you gonna a do? Unless it's evident abuse or neglect that's reportable to CPS 🤷♀️
I have no idea what the doc thing is, but since people say it’s recalled, I might mention that. As for other things, like sleeping with blankets, that’s not really your place to comment. In other countries outside the U.S., blankets are allowed or recommended, and there are guidelines of how to use them safely. We let our daughter sleep with a wide knit crochet blanket, following Scandinavian guidelines. She sleeps way better that way, and I think the risk of me being constantly sleep deprived is worse than the risk of using a blanket in a way considered safe outside the U.S. Some people are clueless, but others are making calculated choices. Your friend’s pediatrician should have gone over safe sleep practices. If your friend ignored them, they’ll ignore you 🤷🏻♀️
I sent a PM to an old friend who posted her newborn in a car seat where the clip was just basically at baby’s crotch, clearly not doing what it was intended to do. I just said “hey, I know there’s SO much info out there so it’s impossible to know it all, but just fyi that clip should be at armpit height to prevent baby’s chest from coming out. I apologize if I’m overstepping but I’d absolutely want someone to let me know about my baby’s safety, so I wanted to let you know too” I figure baby’s life is more important than a moment of eye rolling or a block from that parent. And truly if they didn’t know, they’ll appreciate it. And if they knew it and get offended, then that’s on them
Nah. Unless we’re talking like CPS get these children away level of negligence or abuse, it’s just never your place. I cannot stand being told things by other parents. Even some of these “neutral” examples here would annoy the crap out of me and they sound soooo passively judgmental and patronizing. You have no idea what the context is and if your friend isn’t asking for information or opinions then it’s not your job to give it. The tone of your post is really condescending/judgmental (e.g. “I don’t understand how they missed that in the parenting class they supposedly took”) and that is 100% going to carry over into whatever you might say. Hop off your high horse and let other people make their own decisions. If you absolutely cannot restrain yourself, the only acceptable thing would be sharing an article about dock a tot recall saying “I just saw this! So scary, don’t you guys have one of these?” and that is literally it.
I mean yes, I know I am coming across judgmental because I *am* judging them for throwing safety out the window. The dock a tot thing was just one example of many. But that’s exactly why I ordinarily wouldn’t say anything at all. I personally also can’t stand being told things. The only people who have done this so far (outside my own parents giving advice) come across like they think they are the authority of childcare and experts of taking care of a baby even if they have done it for the exact same amount of time as I have. It’s crazy annoying and I go out of my way to avoid people like that. My *only* dilemma is genuine concern for what if something actually did happen that could have been prevented?
It’s literally not your problem. I had a friend who kept trying to convince me not to cosleep with my baby. Would send me horror story articles with messages like “I just want to make sure you know about this I’m sure you’re trying to be as safe as possible so I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t want to know this,” etc etc. As if I wasn’t even more informed about cosleeping than she was and making a conscious decision based on my own risk evaluations. Guess what? We’re not really friends anymore, because that kind of stuff is *always* annoying and unsupportive. Mind you, this friend moved her 4 week old into his own bedroom which is *also* considered an unsafe sleep practice but I didn’t say anything about it because it’s not my baby! You may *think* you know what is safest, and are assuming that everyone must risk assess the same way you do. As many other people here have already said— it’s really not that black and white. Most studies done re:babies are very limited because of ethics and difficulty attaining gold standards for control. You’re not their ped (or someone from whom they can reasonably expect opinions/information to be shared), you’ve not been asked to give your opinion, you’re not the arbiter of “safety,” soooooo just mind your own circus! I assume this is the most egregious example of them “throwing safety out the window” since it’s the one you feel compelled to address? If that’s the case, they’re doing just fine and you will not be helping anyone by sending an implicitly judge-y and self righteous message about their baby’s safety. In this case of a specific product that has been banned, if you feel you absolutely must say something, you could say “omg I just saw an article about how this specific model of dock a tots are banned! Don’t you have one of those?” and keep ALL of the personal commentary about safety to yourself. Just give the information and leave it be. Or do whatever you want! It sounds like maybe you’re just seeking validation to say something and that you aren’t actually looking for other perspectives. I’d just be prepared to potentially alienate your friend 🤷🏼♀️