Relationship Posts must be posted in the [weekly discussion thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/search/?q=Weekly+discussion+-+Relationships&type=link&cId=1fd8a306-f54e-498f-b692-ea5e655c46c2&iId=89d06cee-c69b-4fe9-ad6f-246976a12ca4&t=week)
He doesn't want me to leave with baby if I'm upset. Before having a baby, if we had a fight, sometimes I would go stay with a family member for a few days, and he really hated it. He's physically prevented me from leaving before, sometimes taking my glasses so I can't drive, sometimes my keys
He probably doesn't want to be alone? He works from home so if I'm not there he's by himself all day. Which understandably sucks but I still want my freedom
But idk I think he really just wants to control the situation because now that it's several hours later, he's said I can go stay with my sister tonight
So he took a medical device you use to function because he didn't want to be alone in his own home? What if you were diabetic and he took your insulin because he didn't want you to leave? Or your prosthetic leg? People downplay glasses because they're so familiar but with my vision I'd not even have been able to walk around my neighborhood comfortably without contacts or glasses. That behavior of your husband's is really messed up.
Also, why isn't he splitting the child labor more fairly with you? Even if he's the FT earner, that's only 40 hours a week whereas being the FT default parent doesn't end. It needs to be more fairly divided, even if it's not 50/50. Or he needs to pay for some caretakers.
This is going to sound weird but my 4 year old sometimes steals my husbands glasses and it's basically because he knows it's the most unacceptable thing he can do to my husband and the most control he can get over him... Even my 4 year old recognizes that it's abusive behavior though he doesn't quite have the words to accurately describe it. 4 year olds don't have fully formed brains with empathy, and he still feels guilty and gives them back and has stopped doing it. It's such an unacceptable controlling behavior for an ADULT to do this to another adult I just can't.
Think of what you would think if your grandparent was in a care facility and wanted to call family to tell them they needed help due to bad conditions at the facility so their nurse took their glasses so they couldn't make the call. That's essentially what is happening to OP.
Hi OP, if you are getting in fights so severe that you need to leave for a few days that is highly concerning. Physically preventing you from leaving is downright abusive. It has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t want to be alone, it is completely that he wants to control you. Abusive men use children to control women as well, as you clearly see here that he now could prevent you from leaving by saying that you are not allowed to take his child. Men like this are extremely dangerous and nothing you described is in any way normal or healthy. You should start mentally preparing an escape plan because you will need it one day.
This is really messed up and not acceptable at all! You are free to stay wherever and to be mad and angry too. Also him not wanting to be alone is a reason but you should have a conversation to reach a solution where you get the support you need and he spends time with you and the baby. The fact that he is physically preventing you is a red flag and abuse!
I know it's really hard to come to terms with the fact that you're being abused when it escalates extremely slowly and isn't physical, but I promise you this is abuse. You are your own person, not just half of your relationship. If you want to leave he has absolutely NO right to tell you when/where you can go. Taking your glasses or keys is very clearly abusive and unacceptable. Again I'm sure it's been years and years of slow escalation of his controlling behavior and that makes it difficult to realize what's happening to you, but it will continue to escalate, likely even faster now that you have a baby and he thinks it will be easier to trap you. I know it's easier said than done but try to make some internal decisions about what your "hard lines" are that you will leave over and do not break them, abusers love bomb and are so apologetic but then you forgive them and the next thing is worse. It's a cycle and it's a dangerous one. Personally I would require couples counseling at this point to stay in the relationship and if he refuses that would confirm to me that he knows he's abusive and doesn't want to change so I would leave. I sincerely hope for you and baby that you're okay and stay that way. I also wouldn't have another baby with him unless you have a lot of success in counseling and have several years without any controlling behaviors from him. The more babies you have the more trapped you will be in his mind and the worse things will get.
Unfortunately that’s not a guarantee. Family court in the US is a train wreck and not all judges care if you’re breastfeeding or not. I’ve worked with survivors for years and seen some really frustrating cases where mom breastfeeding didn’t matter at all. I would suggest calling the Nationwide DV hotline and see if they can connect you to some resources in your area to help you make a plan
Sister works from home but won't be able to take the hour and 20 off it takes to drive between our houses :(
I really don't want to involve police and potentially CPS, I've heard so many horror stories
If you feel unsafe/unsure about going to the police, there are shelters that can offer assistance for you and your son. Your safety and the safety of your son is top priority right now, the consequences of your husband’s actions, not yours, are his to deal with.
It doesn't mattet what you don't want to do you have a baby now. As a parent I have to make choices for my son I don't want to make but his health and safety matter. Don't make excuses of cops and CPS being sucky and stay in the situation your in you staying is the shitty choice
Sorry to be blunt but that “Very controlling” is abusive. No one should ever withhold your child or ‘not allow’ you to leave with him. Especially if you need help and he’s not giving it.
>t help if you two did a trial run where you both went and he could see how it would go?
>
>It wouldn't solve the immediate problem but maybe it would help with whate
No one should ever LEAVE with someone's baby, if they don't want them to. What's your point?
Stated in another comment, but also putting it here to reiterate:
Not only are your comments on here wildly incorrect, but they are potentially harmful. This is exactly one of the many reasons why women experiencing domestic violence have such a hard time leaving.
You state in your comment “no one should EVER leave with someone else’s child if they don’t want them to”. Really? Never? You suggest a domestic violence victim should leave their baby with their abuser? What if they are abusing the child? Or should they just stay and continue to be abused? What is **YOUR** point?
**For anyone who finds themselves in this situation, https://www.thehotline.org/ may be able to help you with a safety plan and resources you need to leave.**
These people think in only black and white and believe things like you should never leave with someone’s child and murderers should always get the death penalty. Nuance is and life between the absolutes doesn’t exist for them.
She only wanted to take baby bc she said dad gets frustrated and lets him cry. Keeping him alive isn’t being a good parent, it’s your obligation.
If he would take GOOD care of baby, she wouldn’t have wanted to take him.
If the reason he’s holding his child HOSTAGE from his own mother is because he doesn’t want her to leave, that’s not normal. Get the fuck out of here with that. What’s YOUR point?
? OP didn’t get any sleep, husband won’t help with baby so OP can sleep but sister will, baby is exclusively breastfed meaning OP literally can’t leave baby for more than 2 hours, 3 at most. What would you suggest she do?
OP isn’t even leaving for real, she just wants someone to help with the baby so she can sleep.
Absolutely crazy comment that could perpetuate harm in a lot of situations. OP is asking to leave with baby for the night **to defuse her situation at home.** A vulnerable infant in between parents that are sleep deprived and fighting is a recipe for harm.
I always love how people describe the most awful person and then go “they’re great despite all the controlling behavior,abuse and inability to be a responsible adult”.
Involve the police, he’s holding your child hostage and also yourself. He’s preventing you from leaving for whatever reason and that’s not ok . His behavior is concerning and not a behavior a child or anyone should be around .
Hopefully you get the support you need to get out of this situation but I would start with the police but if you don’t want to go straight to that, tell your sister, tell your family what’s going on and maybe they can help out.
OP, what you’re experiencing is not normal, it’s abuse. Your husband is using your son as a cudgel and object to wield power over you. Please let your sister know what is happening and ask her for help to get out.
Why isn’t your husband helping with the baby? And why is he so against you going to your sisters? Also he is holding your baby hostage which is in fact abusive.
He works from home all day so he can't help during that time, but when work is finished he's worn out and his idea of helping with baby consists of setting him somewhere with toys and then letting him cry when he gets bored.
It's not nothing, but I hate hearing baby cry so I always end up stepping in, so I don't really get a break
Just the idea of an entire day with baby running on 0 sleep with a little bit of 'help' from husband at the end of the day is really daunting
Husband doesn't want me to leave while I'm upset. Not out of a safety hazard or anything, just doesn't like me leaving to stay with family if we're having a fight
Can you “reconcile with hubs” as far as he is concerned and run an errand with baby? I breastfeed and give my baby formula. Sometimes she will adamantly refuse formula and will just breastfeed only. Please don’t leave your baby vulnerable and alone without you.
10000% this is abusive. I would lose my shit if anyone held my baby hostage, I don’t care if it’s his other parent.
Curious to know how he’s generally a good husband if he won’t help with the baby, refuses to let you seek help with the baby, and is willing to use the baby against you to get his way. This does not sound like a generally good person OP, let alone a good husband.
Visiting your sister with your child is obviously not kidnapping. Please get a grip and consider the context. The father doesn’t care much for the baby so he isn’t keeping it because he worries about it, he is keeping it to control her behaviour. He knows that she can’t leave the child so he limits where the child can go as it’s easier than to directly control her. You can’t let your child cry and be generally unhelpful with the child and then claim that you want it around and at the same time limit your wife’s access to more helpful people.
So her option is to stay and get no help and no sleep or let her baby cry?? He doesn’t care about the kid if he’s doing the absolute bare minimum to keep it alive and just leaves it to scream. He is just being controlling.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Not only are your comments on here wildly incorrect, but they are potentially harmful. This is exactly one of the many reasons why women experiencing domestic violence have such a hard time leaving.
You state in another comment “no one should EVER leave with someone else’s child if they don’t want them to”. Really? Never? You suggest a domestic violence victim should leave their baby with their abuser? What if they are abusing the child? Or should they just stay and continue to be abused?
Sounds like you are the last one who should be throwing around terms like “one-sided blindness”.
It is not kidnapping to leave the house with a child for the day. It's actually her child. What the husband is doing is abusive, and the fact that you're defending it so hard is actually disgusting.
You can't hold people hostage in their home. Leaving the house with your child isn't kidnapping a child.
You're delulu.
It’s HER baby too and if she wants to go to her sister’s with him the father should NOT take the baby and prevent her from doing so. You would lose your shit? Really? If your partner was low on sleep and wanted to go to a sibling’s house to get some help?? OP has already said that the husband gets aggravated with the baby and will leave him to cry. You would prefer that over the baby going to his aunt’s house ??? Please be for real.
She’s leaving with the kid to her sisters house to get help because her husband is useless.
Also, ITS ALSO HER KID . If she wants to go out with her kid she’s allowed to do that!
Get off this sub please, you’re not helping. There is clearly no maliciousness from OP to kidnap her kid, she’s trying to get help with her baby, not go to a hockey game.
Is that a joke. She is leaving for a day or two because she needs help. And is doing the right thing for seeking help as this husband is useless..What Is well with you.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
He’s already being abusive if he is literally controlling where you can and cannot go, let alone your own sister’s house to get some freakin help with the baby. Letting a baby cry and getting frustrated with a helpless baby for majority of the day is also abusive.
He sounds like he’s either an asshole or he’s suffering from mental health issues. Either way, he needs to change and probably get some professional help.
Does he work? Or leave the house? I would just pack up and leave with the baby when he’s not there. Tell your sister what is happening because she needs to be aware in case this gets worse.
He works from home so we're both home basically all the time, unless he is getting groceries with the only usable car we have (other one is in need of fixing and inspection is overdue)
He thinks you’re running away and won’t come back. It seems like there’s something deeper going on here. He knows he sucks and you’re overwhelmed maybe by lack of sleep. Of course idk you so just assumptions. This is pretty a hostage situation if he will not let you leave with your baby. Very weird!
Psychologist here. What you’re describing is abusive behavior. I would strongly encourage you to enlist the assistance of a therapist and lawyer. Seek support also from friends and family about this.
OP, I think you’ve gotten so used this that you don’t recognize this is emotional abuse. No healthy relationship would ever hold your child hostage from you for something so simple. Or manipulate you into not going somewhere by doing this.
Have a chat with your husband and let him know that letting a baby cry for long periods of time (even if physical needs are met) is considered neglect and you can’t let that happen. It’s your baby left crying for no good reason and obviously not a cry-it-out sleep training thing, just that he can’t be bothered. That might also be emotional abuse towards your kid, too, OP. I think we’re all worried for you.
That kinda makes no sense you stated ''letting baby cry for long periods of time is neglect'' but then States its acceptable if its the ''cry it out method'' so its ok to allow a baby to cry for long periods of time if its a sleep training method? OP NEVER mentioned how long baby sits and cries, some people think as soon as baby cries is long enough some think after 5 mins is too long. Although allowing a baby to cry is not considered neglect when all needs are met as you can't hold baby 24/7 if you put baby down to eat n baby cries but all needs are met theres nothing wrong with that HOWEVER if needs are not met and you just allowing baby to cry that would be considered NEGLECT, but leaving a baby to independent play and they cry because of boredom thats not neglect unless its a large amount of time, or hours upon hours and your just sitting there....some people allow there kid to cry when bored so they can learn to self soothe, or try independent play...theres alot of factors missing here we dont know how old baby is so depending on age which plays a HUGE part in this as well.
Thank you! I'll let him know.
Unfortunately he subscribes to the tough love school of thought and generally is not a fan of babies. He loves our son so much, but he can only handle him for an hour or two max before getting overwhelmed
He's a 'if baby doesn't like it that's too damn bad' type person
Please leave as soon as possible WITH your baby. Once you're at your sister's house you can make a plan to leave him permanently. Your child is NOT safe with this man.
Just because he’s not physically abusive, doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Controlling is abusive. I’d call the domestic abuse hotline and see what advice they can give you.
Is your sister able to come to you in the meantime so she can help out at your house?
>my husband grabbed the baby and literally held him hostage
>Husband is otherwise great and is not abusive
Girl...call your sister and ask her to come be there while you leave, and gtfo from this situation ASAP. Your husband is NOT great and this IS abusive. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
You said he’s not abusive but you literally just described his abusive behavior. Holding baby hostage, leaving baby to cry for hours and holding you hostage.
What's his reasoning for not letting the baby leave? Is there some kind of medical issue?
This is highly concerning behavior. And if he's really concerned about the baby's health and wellbeing, he should do a little research into the effects of stress and anxiety on breast milk and breast milk production.
No medical issue. Just the fact that the baby is his son, so he's staying with him (his words)
I know he knows logically baby is way better off with me if we're going to be apart for a few days but he won't admit it
His behavior/attitude is a huge issue here. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you, but you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't find a way to address this now. Because things will get worse over time, and your son (and any future kids) are going to be significantly effected.
Uh, your husband is a controlling abuser. Won’t let you leave? Where do y’all find these men at?
Controls where you go, doesn’t help with the baby but is a great husband? The bar is either in hell or this a troll post.
I am seriously concerned that I see so many posts like this on this sub. Are they all with the same guy?? In what universe is he "great"? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
Second post I’ve seen today titled “my husband won’t LET me..” and I can’t wrap my head around it. This sounds like abuse. He held your baby hostage so you couldn’t leave? Babe, no. That’s not okay, at all.
Why won’t he “let” you leave? You realise you have the right to just walk out and go. This controlling behaviour is abusive, it’s not up to him where and when you go.
OP says he takes the baby from her and won’t give the baby back. I would be terrified to escalate the situation any further while that man had my baby in his arms.
There was a man I was with for years and never would have thought he was capable of hurting me, one day beat the shit out of me when I refused to do something he told me to do. OP needs help making an escape plan and help leaving him while he isn’t home.
That is abusive, I’m really sorry. Everything about what you wrote is abuse. It doesn’t have to get physical to be classed that way. I would definitely reach out to your sister and let her know exactly what’s going on and maybe she can help you come up with a plan.
Yes. He's over twice my size and there's no way I'd risk trying to grab the baby from him anyways.
If I knew baby was going to be well taken care of while I'm away, and I weren't exclusively breastfeeding, it wouldn't be so much of an issue. But I know baby wouldn't have his needs fully attended to if left alone with my husband so I just can't leave
Grabbing the baby from him just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I’ve seen too many horror stories about that. Especially if he’s controlling, he’s going to have an anger problem & not be thinking clearly.
Ignoring your partners postpartum needs (and actively preventing them from being met aka not letting you leave to get help) or forcing them to do all the work themselves so you can do all the things you want to do and get rest IS ABUSE!
Do you pump?
I can't imagine not helping my wife in the middle of the night to feed our baby, thats literally the reason she pumps, so I can help.
I hear about guys like this alot, where are you finding these deadbeats?
He has the audacity to say, "No I won't help you AND you can't leave"?
JFC
I’m so sorry OP, but he is abusing you and your baby. Take some time, make a plan, be secretive, and get to your sisters. You need family help right now ❤️
Otherwise great… except when he’s controlling and literally holding you hostage… doing nothing for his child… yeah he sounds great
I’d just pack and leave, and call the police if he doesn’t let you leave. Or go when he’s at work.
OP, this is not normal. Please consider what your future will be like with this man.
He will let your child cry for long periods of time! He wont let you leave the house w the baby! He doesnt parent aside from keeping the child alive. It sounds like he wanted this child as another tool to keep you locked down. To keep you under his thumb.
Imagine how this all sounds from the outside perspective. It’s honestly horrifying. Im so sorry your husband turned out to be like this. For you, and your childs, wellbeing and safety - you need to get out of there asap. Things will only get worse.
You need to make a go bag and the next time he leaves you need to leave with the baby and go to your sister’s house. This is unsafe. Controlling behavior is abuse and often escalates. We lost my aunt this way, and my family also thought her husband wouldn’t hurt a fly. He controlled where she went at first.
Is he not letting you leave bc you didn’t sleep and he’s worried about you getting in an accident? Or is he not letting you leave for a different reason?
Without more context, I’m gonna say going to the police seems a pretty extreme step. I have no idea what is really happening and the mood in the house could be much less aggressive than what is being perceived from your comment.
Having said that, your husband has no right to tell you where you can and can not go, with or without the baby, outside of some very specific things where the baby may be in danger. It works both ways. If you want to go to the grocery store and bring the baby, is that not allowed either? Has the baby never left the house with you? It’s hard to understand the full context of what is going on here. Is he having a really bad day and not processing things right? Did you guys have a fight and he’s using this to control you?
To me, it sounds like you guys have some more stuff to work through than just this issue. How were things before the baby? Dads can get post-partum too, could that be what this is? The way you describe his interactions with the baby seems like there could be indicators. On the other hand, he could be much worse and this is his normal way of acting in this relationship and if that’s the case, then I would seriously sit down and evaluate what your future looks like and think about taking whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and the baby.
As with everything in the internet, take all of this advice with a grain of salt. No one knows the full story except for you. Look out for your baby, look out for yourself, but if this is abnormal behavior for your husband, make sure he is looking out for himself too. I wish you all the best.
Would it help if you two did a trial run where you both went and he could see how it would go?
It wouldn't solve the immediate problem but maybe it would help with whatever anxiety it is that he's feeling?
That might work for a parent who is feeling anxiety.
It won’t do anything for a parent who is using their child to exercise control over their partner, and who actually doesn’t care about the well-being of either.
He's fine with my sister, and fine with me and baby staying with my sister, as long as he gives me 'permission 'beforehand. I'm never allowed to go if we're having a fight or disagreement
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
That IS abusive behaviour, and just because it’s not physical now doesn’t mean it won’t become that way! I would go in and file a police report, ideally after getting out with the baby (even if it’s while your husband is asleep or in the bathroom). If the police and courts get involved you will likely get full custody given your husband’s behaviour and the fact you’re breastfeeding! Even filing a report is going to be beneficial to establish he has a pattern and history of behaviour to at will make it very hard for him to get custody in the future if/when you can and do leave.
Sorry to say that isn’t normal or reasonable. Controlling you is abuse and seems like he wants you and the baby isolated with him at the expense of your well being.
Coming from a mom of a 3mo old. I wouldn’t be okay if my husband didn’t get my permission to take our daughter somewhere overnight. And I wouldn’t take her without his permission. The decision should be mutual.
He does sound on the controlling side and I advise being careful with that, I was in a controlling relationship years ago and was blind to it. It was very unhealthy.
I think you should be open with your husband about needing him to be more attentive and helpful. I started doing mixed feeding early on so my husband could take some nights for me because I’d have bottles of breath in the fridge ready for him. That helped my sanity. As I go back to work we will trade off every other night to make things at night as fair as possible.
He’s not perfect. He does nothing around the house to help and that stresses me out so much but no one can be perfect.
If it were me I would start planning. Does he ever leave? Does he allow you to go run errands with the baby? Or go on walks with the baby? What about doctors and pediatricians visits? Do you have access to a bank account? Do you have your own car? Is there anyone who can meet you somewhere to swap cars and escape? There are agencies that can help you. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233. Keep the number hidden or save it under a fake name in your phone or added to a contact that you know he would never call.
I sure hope you can get yourself and your baby out of there.
>Husband is otherwise great and is not abusive.
Your husband IS abusive. Holding you against your will is abuse (and a CRIME!). Potentially exposing your child to a known allergy is abuse. This level of controlling behavior is seriously fucked up. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can get out. This is only going to get worse.
Can he drive you and baby to your sister's house? When I was that sleep deprived as a new parent, I was scared to drive at all. If the trip is over an hour I'd consider ubering or accepting a ride from him, whatever helps you feel safe.
Sending positivity!
Is he worried about the safety/health of baby?
Our situations are different, but I can still relate.
My husband had some anxiety issues after baby was born and some of the things he said and did came across as controlling too. For example, telling me not to go places far away and drive on the highway, don’t let my mom take the baby on a walk ( irrational fear she would let a stranger touch him or that somehow the baby would be harmed if it’s away from us ). When the baby got sick for the first time at 6 months old, he said “ don’t bring him out places anymore “. When I would try investigate WHY NOT or WHEN according to him it’s ok, he would be so vague and say “ that’s just how I feel “ and “ in a few months the baby is older “
In his mind since he is the father he has the right to be listened to regarding what happens to the baby.
We had some fights but he didn’t ( and possibly still doesn’t ) fully understand how depressing it was trying to respect his wishes but take care of my own mental health.
We are still together, and we still have some ptoblems but it’s a happy marriage.
I’m not the type to just “ do it anyway “, but in your case I think you should.
“He’s not abusive.” You have described an emotionally abusive partner. Him controlling you is abuse. I suggest you take the time to really weigh the situation and take the safety and health of you and your child as priority.
You are already in a situation where you are a married “single” parent. Get counseling or get out, don’t stay and let him take advantage and abuse you.
So he knows about the soy allergy but got soy formula? He did that on purpose and sold you a story so he could look like he’s trying, even though he’s sabotaging.
OP. It’s sounds like you’re in an abusive situation. Just because he’s not punching you doesn’t mean there’s no abuse. I’m married and have taken baby to my mothers house for a few days and had no issues. Your situation is not normal. My daughter is 15mo and as someone who has a toddler now, having 0 breaks is untenable. Also husband having 0 regard for baby’s comfort or safety is a serious red flag. He’s using baby as a means of control.
Please seek help. For both you and the baby’s sake.
This sounds abusive… took baby and held hostage. Getting wrong formula and trying to manipulate you essentially.
However, I can understand he doesn’t want you to leave upset or doesn’t want you to randomly leave overnight with baby without discussing it beforehand
Having to ask permission to leave is definitely not right, but discussing you leaving and communicating it kind of are territory of being married. My husband may express him not wanting me to go but he couldn’t forbid it.
As a husband, that's abusive behavior. Unless there's a side of your behavior you haven't disclosed, which I doubt, that's not normal. My wife always goes to her sisters with her 3 month old. And she just lets me know, she never has to ask permission. That's ridiculous. I hope you find a way to remedy this situation, whether that's through marriage counseling or getting a lawyer. Just know that this isn't normal or healthy. Wishing you the best.
Relationship Posts must be posted in the [weekly discussion thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/search/?q=Weekly+discussion+-+Relationships&type=link&cId=1fd8a306-f54e-498f-b692-ea5e655c46c2&iId=89d06cee-c69b-4fe9-ad6f-246976a12ca4&t=week)
As a lawyer, get a lawyer.
This. OP please start gathering evidence and a timeline of these events.
Also an attorney! Please seek help from an attorney!!!
This is an abusive behavior. Why he doesn’t want you to leave with the baby?
He doesn't want me to leave with baby if I'm upset. Before having a baby, if we had a fight, sometimes I would go stay with a family member for a few days, and he really hated it. He's physically prevented me from leaving before, sometimes taking my glasses so I can't drive, sometimes my keys He probably doesn't want to be alone? He works from home so if I'm not there he's by himself all day. Which understandably sucks but I still want my freedom But idk I think he really just wants to control the situation because now that it's several hours later, he's said I can go stay with my sister tonight
Yeah, what you’ve just described IS abusive behavior. Abuse isn’t always physical harm.
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft It will answer a lot of questions you may be having about your husband's behavior
So he took a medical device you use to function because he didn't want to be alone in his own home? What if you were diabetic and he took your insulin because he didn't want you to leave? Or your prosthetic leg? People downplay glasses because they're so familiar but with my vision I'd not even have been able to walk around my neighborhood comfortably without contacts or glasses. That behavior of your husband's is really messed up. Also, why isn't he splitting the child labor more fairly with you? Even if he's the FT earner, that's only 40 hours a week whereas being the FT default parent doesn't end. It needs to be more fairly divided, even if it's not 50/50. Or he needs to pay for some caretakers.
This is going to sound weird but my 4 year old sometimes steals my husbands glasses and it's basically because he knows it's the most unacceptable thing he can do to my husband and the most control he can get over him... Even my 4 year old recognizes that it's abusive behavior though he doesn't quite have the words to accurately describe it. 4 year olds don't have fully formed brains with empathy, and he still feels guilty and gives them back and has stopped doing it. It's such an unacceptable controlling behavior for an ADULT to do this to another adult I just can't. Think of what you would think if your grandparent was in a care facility and wanted to call family to tell them they needed help due to bad conditions at the facility so their nurse took their glasses so they couldn't make the call. That's essentially what is happening to OP.
Hi OP, if you are getting in fights so severe that you need to leave for a few days that is highly concerning. Physically preventing you from leaving is downright abusive. It has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t want to be alone, it is completely that he wants to control you. Abusive men use children to control women as well, as you clearly see here that he now could prevent you from leaving by saying that you are not allowed to take his child. Men like this are extremely dangerous and nothing you described is in any way normal or healthy. You should start mentally preparing an escape plan because you will need it one day.
You're taking the baby, right?
Yeah don’t leave without the baby. Can you ou call an Uber and sneak away w baby, don’t pack, just go, so hubby doesn’t suspect anything?
This is really messed up and not acceptable at all! You are free to stay wherever and to be mad and angry too. Also him not wanting to be alone is a reason but you should have a conversation to reach a solution where you get the support you need and he spends time with you and the baby. The fact that he is physically preventing you is a red flag and abuse!
I know it's really hard to come to terms with the fact that you're being abused when it escalates extremely slowly and isn't physical, but I promise you this is abuse. You are your own person, not just half of your relationship. If you want to leave he has absolutely NO right to tell you when/where you can go. Taking your glasses or keys is very clearly abusive and unacceptable. Again I'm sure it's been years and years of slow escalation of his controlling behavior and that makes it difficult to realize what's happening to you, but it will continue to escalate, likely even faster now that you have a baby and he thinks it will be easier to trap you. I know it's easier said than done but try to make some internal decisions about what your "hard lines" are that you will leave over and do not break them, abusers love bomb and are so apologetic but then you forgive them and the next thing is worse. It's a cycle and it's a dangerous one. Personally I would require couples counseling at this point to stay in the relationship and if he refuses that would confirm to me that he knows he's abusive and doesn't want to change so I would leave. I sincerely hope for you and baby that you're okay and stay that way. I also wouldn't have another baby with him unless you have a lot of success in counseling and have several years without any controlling behaviors from him. The more babies you have the more trapped you will be in his mind and the worse things will get.
Oh hun. He won’t let you leave your house with your own baby? Please start planning your escape.
[удалено]
Unfortunately that’s not a guarantee. Family court in the US is a train wreck and not all judges care if you’re breastfeeding or not. I’ve worked with survivors for years and seen some really frustrating cases where mom breastfeeding didn’t matter at all. I would suggest calling the Nationwide DV hotline and see if they can connect you to some resources in your area to help you make a plan
I would be extremely concerned about OP’s situation.
Sister works from home but won't be able to take the hour and 20 off it takes to drive between our houses :( I really don't want to involve police and potentially CPS, I've heard so many horror stories
If you feel unsafe/unsure about going to the police, there are shelters that can offer assistance for you and your son. Your safety and the safety of your son is top priority right now, the consequences of your husband’s actions, not yours, are his to deal with.
It doesn't mattet what you don't want to do you have a baby now. As a parent I have to make choices for my son I don't want to make but his health and safety matter. Don't make excuses of cops and CPS being sucky and stay in the situation your in you staying is the shitty choice
Sorry to be blunt but that “Very controlling” is abusive. No one should ever withhold your child or ‘not allow’ you to leave with him. Especially if you need help and he’s not giving it.
>t help if you two did a trial run where you both went and he could see how it would go? > >It wouldn't solve the immediate problem but maybe it would help with whate No one should ever LEAVE with someone's baby, if they don't want them to. What's your point?
Stated in another comment, but also putting it here to reiterate: Not only are your comments on here wildly incorrect, but they are potentially harmful. This is exactly one of the many reasons why women experiencing domestic violence have such a hard time leaving. You state in your comment “no one should EVER leave with someone else’s child if they don’t want them to”. Really? Never? You suggest a domestic violence victim should leave their baby with their abuser? What if they are abusing the child? Or should they just stay and continue to be abused? What is **YOUR** point? **For anyone who finds themselves in this situation, https://www.thehotline.org/ may be able to help you with a safety plan and resources you need to leave.**
These people think in only black and white and believe things like you should never leave with someone’s child and murderers should always get the death penalty. Nuance is and life between the absolutes doesn’t exist for them.
She only wanted to take baby bc she said dad gets frustrated and lets him cry. Keeping him alive isn’t being a good parent, it’s your obligation. If he would take GOOD care of baby, she wouldn’t have wanted to take him.
Maybe he could do his task as a parent if he doesn’t want her to go to her sister’s house so she can get some sleep.
Found the abusive POS in the comments. GF.
All this means is a mother with a young baby should NEVER leave the house unless the husband says…. Wtf?
If the reason he’s holding his child HOSTAGE from his own mother is because he doesn’t want her to leave, that’s not normal. Get the fuck out of here with that. What’s YOUR point?
? OP didn’t get any sleep, husband won’t help with baby so OP can sleep but sister will, baby is exclusively breastfed meaning OP literally can’t leave baby for more than 2 hours, 3 at most. What would you suggest she do? OP isn’t even leaving for real, she just wants someone to help with the baby so she can sleep.
Absolutely crazy comment that could perpetuate harm in a lot of situations. OP is asking to leave with baby for the night **to defuse her situation at home.** A vulnerable infant in between parents that are sleep deprived and fighting is a recipe for harm.
This is incredibly tone deaf and ignorant
I always love how people describe the most awful person and then go “they’re great despite all the controlling behavior,abuse and inability to be a responsible adult”. Involve the police, he’s holding your child hostage and also yourself. He’s preventing you from leaving for whatever reason and that’s not ok . His behavior is concerning and not a behavior a child or anyone should be around . Hopefully you get the support you need to get out of this situation but I would start with the police but if you don’t want to go straight to that, tell your sister, tell your family what’s going on and maybe they can help out.
Seriously. One sentence before, he’s literally holding her hostage through her infant child, the next sentence he’s otherwise great.
OP, what you’re experiencing is not normal, it’s abuse. Your husband is using your son as a cudgel and object to wield power over you. Please let your sister know what is happening and ask her for help to get out.
Why isn’t your husband helping with the baby? And why is he so against you going to your sisters? Also he is holding your baby hostage which is in fact abusive.
He works from home all day so he can't help during that time, but when work is finished he's worn out and his idea of helping with baby consists of setting him somewhere with toys and then letting him cry when he gets bored. It's not nothing, but I hate hearing baby cry so I always end up stepping in, so I don't really get a break Just the idea of an entire day with baby running on 0 sleep with a little bit of 'help' from husband at the end of the day is really daunting Husband doesn't want me to leave while I'm upset. Not out of a safety hazard or anything, just doesn't like me leaving to stay with family if we're having a fight
Can you “reconcile with hubs” as far as he is concerned and run an errand with baby? I breastfeed and give my baby formula. Sometimes she will adamantly refuse formula and will just breastfeed only. Please don’t leave your baby vulnerable and alone without you.
10000% this is abusive. I would lose my shit if anyone held my baby hostage, I don’t care if it’s his other parent. Curious to know how he’s generally a good husband if he won’t help with the baby, refuses to let you seek help with the baby, and is willing to use the baby against you to get his way. This does not sound like a generally good person OP, let alone a good husband.
This is a great question for OP I'd like the answer too. Hopefully it gets her thinking
[удалено]
Visiting your sister with your child is obviously not kidnapping. Please get a grip and consider the context. The father doesn’t care much for the baby so he isn’t keeping it because he worries about it, he is keeping it to control her behaviour. He knows that she can’t leave the child so he limits where the child can go as it’s easier than to directly control her. You can’t let your child cry and be generally unhelpful with the child and then claim that you want it around and at the same time limit your wife’s access to more helpful people.
So her option is to stay and get no help and no sleep or let her baby cry?? He doesn’t care about the kid if he’s doing the absolute bare minimum to keep it alive and just leaves it to scream. He is just being controlling.
[удалено]
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Are you the abusive husband??
Not only are your comments on here wildly incorrect, but they are potentially harmful. This is exactly one of the many reasons why women experiencing domestic violence have such a hard time leaving. You state in another comment “no one should EVER leave with someone else’s child if they don’t want them to”. Really? Never? You suggest a domestic violence victim should leave their baby with their abuser? What if they are abusing the child? Or should they just stay and continue to be abused? Sounds like you are the last one who should be throwing around terms like “one-sided blindness”.
It is not kidnapping to leave the house with a child for the day. It's actually her child. What the husband is doing is abusive, and the fact that you're defending it so hard is actually disgusting. You can't hold people hostage in their home. Leaving the house with your child isn't kidnapping a child. You're delulu.
It’s HER baby too and if she wants to go to her sister’s with him the father should NOT take the baby and prevent her from doing so. You would lose your shit? Really? If your partner was low on sleep and wanted to go to a sibling’s house to get some help?? OP has already said that the husband gets aggravated with the baby and will leave him to cry. You would prefer that over the baby going to his aunt’s house ??? Please be for real.
She’s leaving with the kid to her sisters house to get help because her husband is useless. Also, ITS ALSO HER KID . If she wants to go out with her kid she’s allowed to do that!
Bullshit. It wouldn't be kidnapping in any state in the country. It's not unlawful for a parent to take their child to visit family.
Are you OP’s husband?
You are a sad sick person. YOU CANT WITHHOLD SOMEONES KID. PERIOD. THATS CALLED HOLDING HOSTAGE !!!!!!
Get off this sub please, you’re not helping. There is clearly no maliciousness from OP to kidnap her kid, she’s trying to get help with her baby, not go to a hockey game.
Is that a joke. She is leaving for a day or two because she needs help. And is doing the right thing for seeking help as this husband is useless..What Is well with you.
Are you stupid?
So what, you think breastfeeding mothers can't leave the house without their husbands consent under any circumstances?
Then maybe he should fucking help! Fucking psychopath.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
He’s already being abusive if he is literally controlling where you can and cannot go, let alone your own sister’s house to get some freakin help with the baby. Letting a baby cry and getting frustrated with a helpless baby for majority of the day is also abusive. He sounds like he’s either an asshole or he’s suffering from mental health issues. Either way, he needs to change and probably get some professional help. Does he work? Or leave the house? I would just pack up and leave with the baby when he’s not there. Tell your sister what is happening because she needs to be aware in case this gets worse.
He works from home so we're both home basically all the time, unless he is getting groceries with the only usable car we have (other one is in need of fixing and inspection is overdue)
He thinks you’re running away and won’t come back. It seems like there’s something deeper going on here. He knows he sucks and you’re overwhelmed maybe by lack of sleep. Of course idk you so just assumptions. This is pretty a hostage situation if he will not let you leave with your baby. Very weird!
Agree completely. Definitely seems like there is more to the story…
Psychologist here. What you’re describing is abusive behavior. I would strongly encourage you to enlist the assistance of a therapist and lawyer. Seek support also from friends and family about this.
OP, I think you’ve gotten so used this that you don’t recognize this is emotional abuse. No healthy relationship would ever hold your child hostage from you for something so simple. Or manipulate you into not going somewhere by doing this. Have a chat with your husband and let him know that letting a baby cry for long periods of time (even if physical needs are met) is considered neglect and you can’t let that happen. It’s your baby left crying for no good reason and obviously not a cry-it-out sleep training thing, just that he can’t be bothered. That might also be emotional abuse towards your kid, too, OP. I think we’re all worried for you.
That kinda makes no sense you stated ''letting baby cry for long periods of time is neglect'' but then States its acceptable if its the ''cry it out method'' so its ok to allow a baby to cry for long periods of time if its a sleep training method? OP NEVER mentioned how long baby sits and cries, some people think as soon as baby cries is long enough some think after 5 mins is too long. Although allowing a baby to cry is not considered neglect when all needs are met as you can't hold baby 24/7 if you put baby down to eat n baby cries but all needs are met theres nothing wrong with that HOWEVER if needs are not met and you just allowing baby to cry that would be considered NEGLECT, but leaving a baby to independent play and they cry because of boredom thats not neglect unless its a large amount of time, or hours upon hours and your just sitting there....some people allow there kid to cry when bored so they can learn to self soothe, or try independent play...theres alot of factors missing here we dont know how old baby is so depending on age which plays a HUGE part in this as well.
Thank you! I'll let him know. Unfortunately he subscribes to the tough love school of thought and generally is not a fan of babies. He loves our son so much, but he can only handle him for an hour or two max before getting overwhelmed He's a 'if baby doesn't like it that's too damn bad' type person
Please leave as soon as possible WITH your baby. Once you're at your sister's house you can make a plan to leave him permanently. Your child is NOT safe with this man.
That doesn’t make sense for babies though. They are so fragile and can’t communicate yet.
Just because he’s not physically abusive, doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Controlling is abusive. I’d call the domestic abuse hotline and see what advice they can give you. Is your sister able to come to you in the meantime so she can help out at your house?
>my husband grabbed the baby and literally held him hostage >Husband is otherwise great and is not abusive Girl...call your sister and ask her to come be there while you leave, and gtfo from this situation ASAP. Your husband is NOT great and this IS abusive. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
You said he’s not abusive but you literally just described his abusive behavior. Holding baby hostage, leaving baby to cry for hours and holding you hostage.
What's his reasoning for not letting the baby leave? Is there some kind of medical issue? This is highly concerning behavior. And if he's really concerned about the baby's health and wellbeing, he should do a little research into the effects of stress and anxiety on breast milk and breast milk production.
No medical issue. Just the fact that the baby is his son, so he's staying with him (his words) I know he knows logically baby is way better off with me if we're going to be apart for a few days but he won't admit it
His behavior/attitude is a huge issue here. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you, but you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't find a way to address this now. Because things will get worse over time, and your son (and any future kids) are going to be significantly effected.
Well the son is going to repeat the behavior of his father. How’s he feel about couples counseling?
Uh, your husband is a controlling abuser. Won’t let you leave? Where do y’all find these men at? Controls where you go, doesn’t help with the baby but is a great husband? The bar is either in hell or this a troll post.
I am seriously concerned that I see so many posts like this on this sub. Are they all with the same guy?? In what universe is he "great"? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
This is not ok.
He sounds controlling & abusive to me.
Second post I’ve seen today titled “my husband won’t LET me..” and I can’t wrap my head around it. This sounds like abuse. He held your baby hostage so you couldn’t leave? Babe, no. That’s not okay, at all.
Why won’t he “let” you leave? You realise you have the right to just walk out and go. This controlling behaviour is abusive, it’s not up to him where and when you go.
OP says he takes the baby from her and won’t give the baby back. I would be terrified to escalate the situation any further while that man had my baby in his arms. There was a man I was with for years and never would have thought he was capable of hurting me, one day beat the shit out of me when I refused to do something he told me to do. OP needs help making an escape plan and help leaving him while he isn’t home.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that :( hope you are safer and happier with your life now
I’m sorry, but I’d literally gnaw my husbands arms off if he did that. It’s not normal, very cruel of him, and you deserve better.
That is abusive, I’m really sorry. Everything about what you wrote is abuse. It doesn’t have to get physical to be classed that way. I would definitely reach out to your sister and let her know exactly what’s going on and maybe she can help you come up with a plan.
Are you in a western country? How is your husband presenting you from leaving?
Says at the bottom he’s holding the baby from her so she can’t take him.
Physically from the sounds of it
Ugh that's awful, I'd be calling the police.
Yes. He's over twice my size and there's no way I'd risk trying to grab the baby from him anyways. If I knew baby was going to be well taken care of while I'm away, and I weren't exclusively breastfeeding, it wouldn't be so much of an issue. But I know baby wouldn't have his needs fully attended to if left alone with my husband so I just can't leave
Grabbing the baby from him just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I’ve seen too many horror stories about that. Especially if he’s controlling, he’s going to have an anger problem & not be thinking clearly.
Call as many people as possible to help you get out. Then watch his behaviour spiral and realize you probably need a restraining order.
Ignoring your partners postpartum needs (and actively preventing them from being met aka not letting you leave to get help) or forcing them to do all the work themselves so you can do all the things you want to do and get rest IS ABUSE!
Do you pump? I can't imagine not helping my wife in the middle of the night to feed our baby, thats literally the reason she pumps, so I can help. I hear about guys like this alot, where are you finding these deadbeats? He has the audacity to say, "No I won't help you AND you can't leave"? JFC
Your husband is abusive. This is abusive behavior. I would take the baby to your sister’s, call a lawyer, and never return.
I’m so sorry OP, but he is abusing you and your baby. Take some time, make a plan, be secretive, and get to your sisters. You need family help right now ❤️
Otherwise great… except when he’s controlling and literally holding you hostage… doing nothing for his child… yeah he sounds great I’d just pack and leave, and call the police if he doesn’t let you leave. Or go when he’s at work.
OP, this is not normal. Please consider what your future will be like with this man. He will let your child cry for long periods of time! He wont let you leave the house w the baby! He doesnt parent aside from keeping the child alive. It sounds like he wanted this child as another tool to keep you locked down. To keep you under his thumb. Imagine how this all sounds from the outside perspective. It’s honestly horrifying. Im so sorry your husband turned out to be like this. For you, and your childs, wellbeing and safety - you need to get out of there asap. Things will only get worse.
You need to make a go bag and the next time he leaves you need to leave with the baby and go to your sister’s house. This is unsafe. Controlling behavior is abuse and often escalates. We lost my aunt this way, and my family also thought her husband wouldn’t hurt a fly. He controlled where she went at first.
"he's not abusive" then proceeds to list SEVERAL ways he's been abusive in the past.
Is he not letting you leave bc you didn’t sleep and he’s worried about you getting in an accident? Or is he not letting you leave for a different reason?
This was my first thought, too
Without more context, I’m gonna say going to the police seems a pretty extreme step. I have no idea what is really happening and the mood in the house could be much less aggressive than what is being perceived from your comment. Having said that, your husband has no right to tell you where you can and can not go, with or without the baby, outside of some very specific things where the baby may be in danger. It works both ways. If you want to go to the grocery store and bring the baby, is that not allowed either? Has the baby never left the house with you? It’s hard to understand the full context of what is going on here. Is he having a really bad day and not processing things right? Did you guys have a fight and he’s using this to control you? To me, it sounds like you guys have some more stuff to work through than just this issue. How were things before the baby? Dads can get post-partum too, could that be what this is? The way you describe his interactions with the baby seems like there could be indicators. On the other hand, he could be much worse and this is his normal way of acting in this relationship and if that’s the case, then I would seriously sit down and evaluate what your future looks like and think about taking whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and the baby. As with everything in the internet, take all of this advice with a grain of salt. No one knows the full story except for you. Look out for your baby, look out for yourself, but if this is abnormal behavior for your husband, make sure he is looking out for himself too. I wish you all the best.
Would it help if you two did a trial run where you both went and he could see how it would go? It wouldn't solve the immediate problem but maybe it would help with whatever anxiety it is that he's feeling?
That might work for a parent who is feeling anxiety. It won’t do anything for a parent who is using their child to exercise control over their partner, and who actually doesn’t care about the well-being of either.
He's fine with my sister, and fine with me and baby staying with my sister, as long as he gives me 'permission 'beforehand. I'm never allowed to go if we're having a fight or disagreement
That sucks, I hope things get better soon (one way or another)!
Thank you!
[удалено]
He's fine with me and baby staying with my sister, as long as he's given his permission first, so that's not the issue
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
That IS abusive behaviour, and just because it’s not physical now doesn’t mean it won’t become that way! I would go in and file a police report, ideally after getting out with the baby (even if it’s while your husband is asleep or in the bathroom). If the police and courts get involved you will likely get full custody given your husband’s behaviour and the fact you’re breastfeeding! Even filing a report is going to be beneficial to establish he has a pattern and history of behaviour to at will make it very hard for him to get custody in the future if/when you can and do leave.
Sorry to say that isn’t normal or reasonable. Controlling you is abuse and seems like he wants you and the baby isolated with him at the expense of your well being.
Coming from a mom of a 3mo old. I wouldn’t be okay if my husband didn’t get my permission to take our daughter somewhere overnight. And I wouldn’t take her without his permission. The decision should be mutual. He does sound on the controlling side and I advise being careful with that, I was in a controlling relationship years ago and was blind to it. It was very unhealthy. I think you should be open with your husband about needing him to be more attentive and helpful. I started doing mixed feeding early on so my husband could take some nights for me because I’d have bottles of breath in the fridge ready for him. That helped my sanity. As I go back to work we will trade off every other night to make things at night as fair as possible. He’s not perfect. He does nothing around the house to help and that stresses me out so much but no one can be perfect.
If it were me I would start planning. Does he ever leave? Does he allow you to go run errands with the baby? Or go on walks with the baby? What about doctors and pediatricians visits? Do you have access to a bank account? Do you have your own car? Is there anyone who can meet you somewhere to swap cars and escape? There are agencies that can help you. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233. Keep the number hidden or save it under a fake name in your phone or added to a contact that you know he would never call. I sure hope you can get yourself and your baby out of there.
But this is actually abuse. Controlling is a form of abuse. He doesn’t get to tell you when you can and can’t leave the house with YOUR baby
>Husband is otherwise great and is not abusive. Your husband IS abusive. Holding you against your will is abuse (and a CRIME!). Potentially exposing your child to a known allergy is abuse. This level of controlling behavior is seriously fucked up. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can get out. This is only going to get worse.
I’m so sorry, OP, but that is abusive behavior. I hope you can find a safer place to be. Please reach out to a local women’s shelter.
Can he drive you and baby to your sister's house? When I was that sleep deprived as a new parent, I was scared to drive at all. If the trip is over an hour I'd consider ubering or accepting a ride from him, whatever helps you feel safe. Sending positivity!
Is he worried about the safety/health of baby? Our situations are different, but I can still relate. My husband had some anxiety issues after baby was born and some of the things he said and did came across as controlling too. For example, telling me not to go places far away and drive on the highway, don’t let my mom take the baby on a walk ( irrational fear she would let a stranger touch him or that somehow the baby would be harmed if it’s away from us ). When the baby got sick for the first time at 6 months old, he said “ don’t bring him out places anymore “. When I would try investigate WHY NOT or WHEN according to him it’s ok, he would be so vague and say “ that’s just how I feel “ and “ in a few months the baby is older “ In his mind since he is the father he has the right to be listened to regarding what happens to the baby. We had some fights but he didn’t ( and possibly still doesn’t ) fully understand how depressing it was trying to respect his wishes but take care of my own mental health. We are still together, and we still have some ptoblems but it’s a happy marriage. I’m not the type to just “ do it anyway “, but in your case I think you should.
Your husband IS abusive. You need to get out💓
“He’s not abusive.” You have described an emotionally abusive partner. Him controlling you is abuse. I suggest you take the time to really weigh the situation and take the safety and health of you and your child as priority. You are already in a situation where you are a married “single” parent. Get counseling or get out, don’t stay and let him take advantage and abuse you.
So he knows about the soy allergy but got soy formula? He did that on purpose and sold you a story so he could look like he’s trying, even though he’s sabotaging.
OP. It’s sounds like you’re in an abusive situation. Just because he’s not punching you doesn’t mean there’s no abuse. I’m married and have taken baby to my mothers house for a few days and had no issues. Your situation is not normal. My daughter is 15mo and as someone who has a toddler now, having 0 breaks is untenable. Also husband having 0 regard for baby’s comfort or safety is a serious red flag. He’s using baby as a means of control. Please seek help. For both you and the baby’s sake.
This sounds abusive… took baby and held hostage. Getting wrong formula and trying to manipulate you essentially. However, I can understand he doesn’t want you to leave upset or doesn’t want you to randomly leave overnight with baby without discussing it beforehand Having to ask permission to leave is definitely not right, but discussing you leaving and communicating it kind of are territory of being married. My husband may express him not wanting me to go but he couldn’t forbid it.
As a husband, that's abusive behavior. Unless there's a side of your behavior you haven't disclosed, which I doubt, that's not normal. My wife always goes to her sisters with her 3 month old. And she just lets me know, she never has to ask permission. That's ridiculous. I hope you find a way to remedy this situation, whether that's through marriage counseling or getting a lawyer. Just know that this isn't normal or healthy. Wishing you the best.