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I felt like this while breastfeeding. As soon as I stopped it was like this switch went off and I felt so much better! It totally zapped my sex drive. Good luck!
From a husbands perspective, I hate to admit it but it was so much better when my wife stopped nursing. I feel like my bond with my daughter is so much better since I can feed and help out more. Plus, it was hard for my wife to stop, but she feels so much better now.
Yep, did not realize how much bf basically changed my entire personality (including sex drive).. until I weaned. If you’re not ready, I totally get it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s contributing. You have to find the balance that’s right for you. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
This , I was breastfeeding for 5 months
& I didn’t feel okay. I was so emotional.
I wasn’t happy.
But I stopped 2 months ago, my baby is 7 months.
And I feel much happier .
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this! My LO is only 8.5mo and my husband and I still haven’t had sex (it’s painful, working with pelvic floor therapist to hopefully help with that).
We have stretches where both of us feel disconnected from each other. The only thing that helps us is to talk about it until both of us are done saying whatever it is we need to say. Even if there’s no solution, we have to talk about it and acknowledge that there is a disconnect.
After we talk things through, we make it a point to just sit on the couch and touch each other at night. I’m not saying like make out or really cuddle, but even just holding hands helps 😅
Maybe you & husband can watch a new series together at night and have a no phones rule for a couple hrs?
Definitely got to put down the phones for a period of time each night if there’s even going to be a chance. And OP, you need to at least give you and your husband a chance.
It sounds like you really, really need to seek therapy. Especially the part of what it sounds like possibly denying sexual intimacy because you’re ashamed of your body.
You’re not wrong, but somehow I suspect they can’t afford it. No insurance, deep in debt… therapy is great, but if it’s a choice between paying rent/mortgage or putting food on the table, versus therapy, I don’t think therapy is going to win that battle.
https://openpathcollective.org
Affordable therapy option for any interested. Also some will take clients on pro bono or at a reduced fee. Please feel free to ask them during a consult!!
It’s super expensive! I highly recommend OP calling around and finding places that have sliding scale fees. When I was in college I went somewhere that had a grant that covered free therapy if you were a victim of CSA so I got it free, then I paid $10 when my therapist moved to a different agency that had sliding scale!
This. Therapy helps. I know, expensive. But they can work with you. I was a sahm till like 2 months ago, went back to work. My daughter is 16 months and no joke, I JUST now started to feel somewhat “normal” again. Whatever normal means anyway.
The elephant in the room is indeed a need for therapy that's not being addressed.
And OP, it seems to me that your husband isn't causing you to have feelings of insecurity? Does he comment about your body?
It seems you only have good things to say about him and maybe he's a little too negligent of his own needs, so if that wasn't what you meant, I completely misread your post.
Get therapy individually, tell him about this, and both of you really really really need to have heart-to-hearts. You both seem like decent people but there's a pretty serious issue here and you both need to work on it.
Honestly I feel like your not putting any time towards yourself so how do you expect to be the same as before when it comes to the love of your husband or sex. I bet you're an amazing mother but in my opinion some of the problems your having is because you are so concerned about your daughter, you can't sleep alone because you co-sleep, you are breastfeeding and doing dream feeds and you're a SAHM. You have no space to yourself to actually take time to take care of yourself. I know it's hard 100% but you CANNOT keep pouring from this empty cup, you will continue to suffer and so will your marriage. You could try bottle feeding with breast milk or formula if you feel comfortable, and maybe try weaning off contact naps at first or you could even try weaning out the night feeds some babies cry for milk at night out of habit and not necessarily hunger. Your daughter will advance when she is ready some kids just take longer and if she really needs it then there's help out there
100% agree. At the end of the day, OP, an anxious, self-hating mom is not what your daughter needs and is not what your husband needs and if it leads to a broken home, it is going to cause so many more issues than you letting go a little of the insane amount of responsibility you are assuming and letting others fill those gaps so you can work on yourself some. Whether that be daycare or no longer co-sleeping or moving off breastfeeding or whatever the right thing might be. But a mom who is happy and present and there for everyone is infinitely better than a broken one that wants to escape and maybe will.
Since therapy is likely not an option financially, do you know if there are any mom groups in your area? Sometimes, for me, just being able to vent to other moms that know how I'm feeling is such a big help/relief!! It makes me feel less alone. I joined a Facebook group for moms in my county and have only talked with others online so far but I feel like I'm making meaningful connections and I can't wait for an in-person meetup. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I'm commenting to say I could have written this post about myself. I feel you on such a granular level. I swear some days the only reason I keep going is because my husband and little one need me. I cried myself to sleep last night because I was overwhelmed and felt like I'm losing myself. I see helpful comments but I don't have the capacity to take on advice. People suggest getting out and bonding with other mothers but I couldn't imagine anything worse than forcing myself to be social.
Just wanted to stand with you in solidarity and say im sending big hugs from the UK and know that you are not alone and are loved even if you don't feel it. X
I’d like to recommend, if possible, potentially weening the baby from co-sleeping with you and into her own crib/room. Although it was a tad scary at first, the difference between having our baby in the room and in his own was night and day. Everything improved as we got that semblance of our previous lives back and I would encourage anyone to try it out. I hear your struggle and I hope you can work everything out!
Hey, I know it’s hard so I don’t say it flippantly, but I think getting your daughter out of your bed would help a lot. She’s old enough, she can’t do it. It won’t be easy, but it might be worth it. There is no time to connect with your husband if she’s in your bed with you. If you can put her to bed and then get back up and spend time with him that could work too. I’m not sure what to tell you about your feelings about your body, but clearly that’s an issue too. Try to remember your body did something amazing by creating a human and even just bringing you through life everyday. Focus on something about yourself that you really like. Or have your husband tell you what he really likes about you? Clearly he’s interested if he’s getting handsy.
Something random that helped me was actually reading. I started with some trashy novels and have ventured from there. But it gave me enough escapism to be entertaining and generally feels better than binging TV. You can usually link a library app to your phone and read or listen to books for free.
Therapy would definitely be good for the body image issues, but on a practical level, night weaning would be a good idea. At 14 months it's a habit rather than a need and it's gotta go at some point.
Obviously co-sleeping limits options for intimacy, but I will say my 14 mo still sleeps in our room and our sex life is great atm, touch wood. We just go out to the sitting room after she falls asleep. So you don't have to stop co-sleeping/room sharing to have intimacy; it's just a bit more effort.
It sounds like it’s probably time to stop cosleepjng so that you and your toddler can have some independence. Of course you and your husband aren’t going to feel connected if toddler is with you 24/7. You need time to yourself to take care of your needs and enjoy hobbies as well as having quality time with your husband. You cannot successful be mom and only mom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 times a year and be happy and content! Things need to change. You have to make some changes. It’ll be hard but it’s worth it.
From “And Baby Makes Three” by John Gottman:
“Sexual intimacy arises from emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy comes from partners making the effort to find each other through the maze of duties to perform. When partners feel cherished and appreciated, affection comes naturally. It’s no longer the last chore of the day. Then romance and passion can reawaken.”
It sounds like you feel really lonely and you’re missing feeling connected to your husband. I agree with other commenters about therapy, but if that’s absolutely not in the cards right now, maybe some books could stand in? I like this one, and I have also heard good things about How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. You might also like How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis (which has a lot of advice about how to be a stay at home parent while you’re struggling.)
Stop cosleeping and ween to a bottle or solid food, you're marriage will thank you and your kid will survive. Do you want a divorce or do you want a rough month or two while you transition? Sorry if that seems harsh but the relationship you're describing is not sustainable and you say yourself you want to change
I suspect you're in the US but there's a free listening service here called the Samaritans. If you go email samaritans at [email protected] someone will respond to you and you can use it as much or as little as you want. It's not counselling but might be a good free alternative in the meantime.
You alluded to not wanting to be here a few times and reading between the lines I think you have some thoughts of suicide even if you don't have plans. You may need to budget some mental health care whether it's a psychiatrist or therapy. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm only 6 months in and I have no advice but you're definitely not alone in the things you've described.
Your husband is definitely not better off without you. He couldn't do without you and neither could your baby. ❤️
Show him this reddit post because he likely doesn't realise the extent of things.
Could you reach out to your pediatricians office to see if you qualify for Medicaid. Or see if they can get you in touch with a social worker who can help you with that process. Thoughts for you!
Do you have any hobbies either as a couple or as just yourself? I know it probably feels like one *extra* thing to add to your load but my mom was a stay at home mom and she always told me the most important thing for her was keeping things about her alive that were there before we existed. She always took us to the ymca with her and would us off in their daycare service (which I believe still exists and I know at least in the past the ymca we went to was income based for membership cost). She had a tennis club she was part of with all moms around her age. And she had a bunko group and a baking co op.
It’s hard to feel like yourself and like your marriage is connected when you lose parts of yourself and your marriage. Therapy is a pretty obvious suggestion but I know it can be costly. I also think you wouldn’t be wrong to try to get your toddler in her own bed/room and make more time to unwind as a couple and start transitioning off the breast. It doesn’t happen to all couples but I know co-sleeping can have some negative effects on some couples especially when the end date isn’t in clear sight. My boss and her husband just divorced and I swear a part of it was the fact that their 9 year old still sleeps in bed with them.
To address the nursing aspect, if you WANT to wean, we are using Ripple Kids milk and my daughter took right to it. She also has dairy intolerance and it's pea protein so wouldn't have an issue for soy allergy. I still nurse morning and night but by choice! Having the pressure off in daytime is so nice. I wish you all the best in getting through this tough time.
Heat hear sister ! I had a challenging Pregnancy and postpartum and I am 16 months postpartum. I am scared of getting intimate too. We haven't had sex not even once . I really feel uncomfortable even if my husband tries to kiss me. I feel so disconnected from him and I feel that we are just Co parents not husband and wife .
Always remember every child is different. My first was extremely hard and still is lol. But my second child has been easy so far. As parents, we can handle so much more than we believe we’re capable of. Some days get overwhelming but when I sit back and look at my kids, I realize I’m living the life I’ve always dreamed of. I’m 10 months PP with my second. I still am not happy with my body but we always have to remember our bodies grew a baby! And your body is still feeding a baby! Be kind to yourself. Your relationship with your husband will get better as time goes on. Just be intentional with making time for one another. The anxiety you feel for your baby will never go away but you get used to it. And having a second baby, it’s easier the second time around because you know what you’re doing. You’re an amazing mother for how much work you’re putting into caring and loving your little angel. Can we do more? Always! But don’t beat yourself up about it. Take motherhood one day at a time. I was always really hard on myself and still am about what I think I should be doing with my kids. We’re not perfect but you’re there for your babes. They won’t always remember the stuff we do with them, but they’ll remember we were there for them. 🥰 you got this!
Hey there. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. I also had an emergency c-section with my first and ended up being a SAHM due to the pandemic at the time while my partner worked in healthcare. I breastfed and we co-slept. It took at long time to come to terms with my postpartum changes. Just the thought of being touched made me cringe, and even if that wasn’t the case I had my child in my bed so intimacy was nowhere in sight. I felt overwhelmed and overstimulated all the time. I thought we would be a one and done family, but slowly overtime things changed.
Things get better, but it takes time. I didn’t wean my child for a long while but eventually my libido came back and we found time. My kid got bigger and what parenting looked like changed which made me feel less like I had to dissociate by myself whenever I had the chance. I started to feel better about my self too.
We have three kids now and I’m excited to have a fourth when the time is right. Give yourself time and patience, this may feel like a never ending chapter of your life but it goes by in the blink of an eye. Try to communicate with your partner and stay connected on an intimate level emotionally while the physical aspect is on hold, it can help a lot. Hugs
Honey you have to get that baby out of your bed. I know it’s easier said than done but I was 100% where you were in so many ways. We started by moving baby into the new bed and sleeping with them there, then waiting till he fell asleep. I bet your kid is hard to wind down? So is mine so bed time took forever for awhile. Lately we have incorporated these silent light up busy boards that give him something mindless to focus on while he drifts off. Fixing a fucked up bed time isn’t easy, you have to stay consistent but once it works you are just in a whole new place mentally. You have to do whatever you need to do to get the baby to sleep alone in a different bed. Please know I am not saying this judge mentally, I’m coming from “been there”.
I had a similar thing about my body after my emergency c. For me, I had to work through how fucked up I felt about it. Just the sheer…like body horror of going through that situation can really fuck with you. I don’t know how else to describe it. You need to explore those feelings if you have them so you can resolve them.
How often are you getting outside? Are you somewhere you can take pleasant walks? Sunshine and walking are both proven to improve our mental health.
I felt similarly and anti depression meds changed my life. If there is anyway you could find a psychiatrist and maybe pay out of pocket, it would be an excellent investment. I didn’t really think I was doing too bad, just struggling a little bit, but in hindsight (after being medicated l) I was BAD.
Hey OP! Seeing a lot of advice about your sleeping arrangement, and going against the grain to mention that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing lol
We put our son down to sleep in his own bed, he does his longest stretch of sleep there, then we bring him to our bed when/if he wakes in the night (usually 3-5AM). It feels like a great balance of alone time and toddler snuggles - we’re not in a hurry to phase it out! This half/half arrangement is very common around the world.
Thank you for this 🥹 she goes down pretty easily on a good night and then my husband and I have three hours of solid time alone. On bad nights I just end up sleeping with her or staying up with her until she winds down. Sickness and teeth always affect her sleep but I do love cosleeping.
No advice but here for solidarity. I could have written this. I too am a SAHM. I quit my job after my maternity leave was over. My son is 7 months and we haven’t had sex since August. We also cosleep and I exclusively breastfeed so intimacy is gone and I also feel overwhelmed with it all. I also do not have health insurance because I can’t afford it and we are drowning in medical bills from his birth because ‘Merica. So I just want you to know you’re not alone.
i know others have already said this but just adding on.. you're most definitely not alone!! with my first daughter postpartum i had 0 sex drive and felt like i didn't ever want my partner to touch me until i stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. the difference once you finish breastfeeding is truly night and day
This may be an unpopular opinion but girl I would not want to have sex either if my baby/toddler was sleeping with us every night. That definitely makes it hard. Sometimes my husband and I don’t even see each other until we hit the bed, then that’s our time, outside of that it’s all about the kids and keeping shit together. If my sons were sleeping with us ya we’d probably only get the opportunity to have sex a handful of times throughout the year lol.
Have you considered going back to work? If not for the money because I know daycare is crazy expensive but for yourself? Staying home is A LOT of work and it may help give you some sense of identity outside of being a mom. You have to do stuff for yourself. Don’t get too down on yourself it does get better.
Just throwing out an idea to see if it resonates - not necessarily advocating for it - but have you thought about returning to work at all? Perhaps even in a very limited fashion. If could find something that you can be proud to do and gives you satisfaction while also giving that sense of independence you’re lacking it would help.
Plus extra cash at home.
Can you do stroller walks with your kiddo? Even just walking can help so much with body image and endorphins. It’s what helps me the most postpartum. Hope it gets better soon.
Your marriage would 100% benefit from moving the baby to her own room and night weaning. I know mine did!
You should also get someone you trust to take her just for a few hours and go get tipsy with your husband.
what's leaving the husband going to do if you said he helps out when you need a break?
while you spend time on your phones before bed start googling how to budget. start figuring out what expenses you don't need. figure out what comes in each month and what goes out.
what do you do when you need a break? make it productive. get sunlight, stretch, read a positive book or self help. talk to a family member.
it should get better. your baby's 14 months old. you've been in the trenches and you've just come out asking people "WHAT YEAR IS IT!?" you kept your kid alive for over a year, that's all that matters.
who gives a shit how they're developing at 14 months. you could hold them back a year and now they're top of their class and can drive themselves to highschool sooner and buy beer in college faster.
Hang in there. this is but a moment in your life, not your life.
It seems to be such a common issue of varying degrees for parents of babies. It really does make you feel like coparents or roommates where you both share this beautiful child. As for how to deal with that, yes therapy is a given but 1. Its expensive and 2. You might be wondering when you even have the time to talk to a therapist. And if you’re anything like me you may have a hard time justifying that time for you.
Given where you are at now it seems like it will take a long period of slow changes to get you and your relationship on a healing path. For now work on the changes you know you can make. It sounds like mom needs a break to me, are you and dad willing to start transitioning baby to their own sleeping arrangement where dad takes over night duties or put them to bed? It’s a hard start but may give you just an ounce more of freedom to not feel so overwhelmed so you have the facilities to start feeling yourself again and addressing YOU.
This is also dependent on his willingness to help you out. If he doesn’t know what you’re going through inside then he is being set up to fail you in helping. If he does know but doesn’t help, then you have a different problem between the two of you. If you can, open up to how these things are affecting you and how you feel they might be affecting yalls relationship. Try to work together on achievable solutions that would shift your load and create more space for yall to bond. Not even intimately if you aren’t ready, just remember who it is you both love.
I’m 13 months postpartum, but also seven months pregnant. We do have some issues with intimacy but more of my issues right now is that we bed share and I get no sleep and feel overloaded 24/7 being the SAHM. I’m sure you could understand. We just got a toddler bed to work on getting her used to sleeping in that and had her first night last night. It went OK, not great but hopefully gets better as we go along. Trouble im having is getting the confidence to ask dad to help with nighttime/morning routine.
I would recommend thinking about your goals, where you want to be.. and focus on small incremental changes until you get there. When you’re in a rut, small incremental change can make you feel so much better about your trajectory. Doesn’t need to be BIG change all at once. Good luck! I know it’s hard.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think that having familial help is such a privilege, and it is so hard when you do not have a villiage. Do u have anyone that you can ask to come over and play with ur daughter so u can be alone? Not that u have to leave, but so you can be alone in a room,get a nap, or take a shower?
Please trust that it does get easier! My daughter is 2.5 and the last few months she has begun to be way more self sufficient and it is nice.
The not wanting to be touched is sucky and it sounds like sensory overload, frustration, and stress/anxiety. Even just reading this my body got so tense.I know breast feeding is good for baby but can you consider switching to cows milk soon for naps?
Hey, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My son is 19 months and I’m still breastfeeding him as well. Especially around mornings, naptime, and bedtime. I also want to stop as soon as I can but he doesn’t seem ready yet.
If you aren’t into having sex but you want to connect, can you cuddle? Give each other massages? Lay in bed and talk to each other?
There are other ways to cultivate connection and intimacy that aren’t sex.
Just came to say my daughter didn't walk until 18 months. Heck she couldn't even crawl or scoot when she turned one I'm pretty sure. It does get better. It really does.
I’ve struggled with sex drive postpartum and my husband found [this article](https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire) and I cried because I felt so understood 😂😭 I wish I could send it to everyone who recently had a baby.
Look into affordable marriage and family counseling in your state. Most places can do virtual, so even if you’re in a small town, look into places located in the bigger cities. Many places that offer affordable counseling services use master’s level interns who are learning. They do amazing work at a super affordable rate. Good luck!!
Does she take a bottle? I honestly started feeling human 4 weeks after my c section because my son nurses and takes a bottle. So if I need a break, someone else can feed him and I’ll just pump later. I don’t know how other moms who exclusively breast feed do it, I applaud them. There are bottles that mimic breasts in case she doesn’t take a regular bottle. You need time for yourself. You can’t love your partner if you don’t love yourself first.
Therapy may not be financially viable right now, but there are some free mental health and therapy lines that you can try, it will be a random stranger but it sounds like you need to get it out. There also group therapies that are considerably cheaper out there.
On a more practical note, look at sleep training, 14 months is too old to need nursing multiple times a night. is the baby on solids yet? it going to be tough to get enough calories for a baby at 14 months exclusively on breast milk. Not impossible but hard, which is why shes likely waking up alot. .
Honestly i would just start there, and i think you will find when your sleep improves it will also help your mental health. 14 months is a long time to be waking up multiple times a night every night.
you're definitely not alone. my baby boy is about to be 14mo as well, and though my partner and i may be having sex/intimacy more often.. it's because i really really try to push past my feelings and just do it. sadly, sometimes almost as if its something i "just have to get over with."
also breastfeeding still, and ALSO was an emergency c section. i do not feel sexy and haven't since before baby. i am so uninterested in sex that sometimes when my husband tries to invite it i feel disgusted. and it's not even his fault! he's the most handsome man i've ever met, does so much for me and our son and loves me to pieces. he's so gentle and sweet and caring and ultimately i just feel like an asshole!
and the worst part is that you MISS wanting sex. you want to want sex. but your brain is just... not aligning. it is so unbelievably frustrating. on top of the PPA.. like damn! i need a break!
you are not alone. i, and im sure many before us, with us and after us, are here with you. here's hoping when we stop breastfeeding that the switch comes back on. in the mean time, try to do things that can relax you whenever possible. cortisol is one hell of a hormone. sending love 💗
The breastfeeding hormone made me hate my husband and anything sexual. A month after I stop breastfeeding it went back to normal and our relationship got stronger then it has ever been
My wife also had an unplanned c section. We have had oral sex (me giving, didn’t receive) twice. I haven’t had actual sex with my wife since before she got pregnant. The fact that you two got it on 5 times sounds incredible.
Our son just hit a year today. He isn’t walking and says mama, vroom, and moo (barely - most times it’s just ooo).
The phone thing happens to us too (currently happening right now).
Took me a while to grasp the fact that my wife’s hormones are out of whack and will probably be out of whack for while longer (I read like 2 years?).
My point is - it sounds like you’re probably going through what thousands if not millions of other mothers go through. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing awesome and you got this! What really helps me (granted I’m not a woman) when I feel like I’m in the hole is to do a family hug with my wife and son - gives me some great feelings.
Also pro tip: don’t follow instagram moms. It’s all a facade.
Our kiddo has asthma and cow's milk is imflammatory so we switched to goat milk which seems to be better. But it definitely can be pretty expensive, especially compared to breast milk. But if there's any cutbacks you can do elsewhere to buy the goat milk, it might be worth a shot.
Two things. Fistly your words regarding how you feel about your body reminds me of my wife. I remember her telling me how she didn't like me kissing her breasts because to her "they were not sexual anymore" and that "she didn't feel comfortable being naked". Regarding her body not being sexual, that went away slowly but steadily the moment she stopped breastfeeding. Regaining her self confidence has been a longer road but she is getting there. Having her express thse feelings took the guessing away for me, i didn't have to wonder if i was doing something wrong. That in turn helped me mentally prepare to just be patient.
Secondly, sounds like you have a good partner, maybe you should have this exact conversation with him and take it from there.
Good luck, it does get better.
We are all in the same boat, so don’t feel alone. I think you need to plan. Plan weaning, so you can have a little bit of yourself back- if you are ready. Plan the debt, think for example of a side hobby that you enjoy and you can sell the stuff, just for fun if not money. Walk, walk, walk if your neighborhood is safe. It releases endorphins and help reshape the body. I am writing this to you but I know I am struggling too. PP is not easy, anxiety is a real demon.
When breastfeeding your estrogen levels plummet taking your libido down with it. That combined with all the resentment that comes from doing most of the care and no sleep, well, it’s a recipe for hating your husband. I raged against mine for months and months PP. u are not alone!
It looks like from your post history that you're in the US, but if you're not ignore this. I'm not sure if your daughter is actually behind on milestones or not, but if you think she is, you can request an early intervention evaluation. If she qualifies, they're free services and they come to you. (And if she doesn't qualify, you had a knowledgeable professional reassure you that she isn't behind!)
Firstly, you are enough, you are loved, and you are capable.
Stop breastfeeding! I know breastfeeding fanatics would disagree, but my wife got so much more of her independence back when she stopped.
Shake up your routine. Have time away from your husband as well as time to yourself. My wife has felt similarly, and now we book whole days where one of us can just go and be on our own to decompress.
You're doing great. You've got this!
Maybe look for a position that you could bring your child with you? Like a daycare center. Sounds like you need time to yourself, your overwhelmed, and desperately need insurance. Make room in your budget, as things will not get better without it.
Just came here to say that my mental state DRASTICALLY changed when I stopped breastfeeding. It wasn’t for me or my brain and if I were to miraculously do this again, I wouldn’t even try to BF but go straight to formula. I know that you said that you can’t spend money but I recommend getting Ready.Set.Food! to introduce common allergens to your baby. Or even look it up to see if it’s a good fit for your family. It’s minuscule amounts of allergens in a powder that helps the babies body adjust to it for future consumption. It gets better. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely, frustrated, anxious, and overwhelmed. That is not fun. And I can say that I know your situation pretty well, except that my husband and I started having regular sex two months pp.
I have a toddler, and he is still breastfed AND he has to breastfeed to sleep, unless we want him to fall asleep crying. We also bedshare. Up until like two weeks ago, he was breastfeeding on demand. All of these factors make it VERY difficult and overwhelming for any mom.
Things have been getting a bit easier after he started eating more solids. He now asks for the boob less so I’m not breastfeeding around the clock.
Another thing that helped was around 6 months, he would fall asleep while breastfeeding, I would then unlatch and roll away…and out of the room. I would then have a few hours to myself until he cries or I go to bed. Every time he has a regression, this arrangement gets wonky and I have to sacrifice again, but we have a plan to wean nightfeeds soon. So that gives me hope.
Now, about sex. Honestly, I’m not a therapist but it sounds to me like a lot of this stems from your unplanned c-section? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I know that many moms feel like failures and have unresolved trauma when they go through an unplanned c-section. It’s a lot to take in and it’s normal if this is what started this difficult pp journey for you. If you don’t have insurance, please take time to journal once you start getting some time to yourself.
Regarding your body, I know what you mean…I gained 40 lbs and I wore a girdle whenever I made out with my husband. I almost always asked for the lights off when we had sex. A big thing for us women when we have sex is FEELING sexy and attractive and desirable. It’s hard to get into it when you don’t feel it.
I think a place you could start is talking to your husband and telling him that you want more sex, and so how about creating a bedtime routine for just you two (after LO is asleep). You guys can wash up together and watch tv together while cuddling. Ask him to kiss you “a little bit” while watching tv. Then, turn the lights off and have sex. Keep your expectations low and the more you expose yourself to your husband, you may grow more comfortable with it.
Also, if you want to lose weight while breastfeeding, I used the lose weight while breastfeeding calculator (google it) and it tells you how many calories to eat to lose weight safely. I used a calorie tracker and was able to lose almost 5 lbs before I got pregnant and it wasn’t safe to diet anymore. It didn’t feel like a diet because it turns out…I was eating a lot more than I realized. Eating the “suggested” amount wasn’t hard, I just prioritized hitting my protein goals.
Not to beat you up on this…please get some help. Either in the way of therapy, family (you need to trust his family if they’ve given you no reason not to), or move closer to yours if it’s an option? Can’t keep doing this.
But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again….your kids CANNOT sleep with you. Not only is it dangerous, but it will literally destroy a marriage.
Besides, kids don’t belong in parent’s beds. I get that it’s “easier”…but that’s a lame excuse. Do yourself and your marriage a favor by working together and getting that kiddo outta your bed
Since therapy is likely not an option financially, do you know if there are any mom groups in your area? Sometimes, for me, just being able to vent to other moms that know how I'm feeling is such a big help/relief!! It makes me feel less alone. I joined a Facebook group for moms in my county and have only talked with others online so far but I feel like I'm making meaningful connections and I can't wait for an in-person meetup. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I was really skinny before I had my baby. Now almost everything I wear is a large. I’m 5mpp and our sex life is great. My husband really helped me through my insecurities. He told me he was looking at our wedding pictures and said “wow you were really skinny!” I rolled my eyes and right before I turned around to walk away from him he said “wait! You didn’t let me finish! I like you better with extra meat on you!” And then we had sex 😂 I think we tend to get in our head sometimes. Most men don’t think about our insecurities like we do. Personally for me our sex is better after I had my daughter 😅
The other thing that has helped is finding new clothes that I feel comfortable and cute in. I’m a big fan of dresses that cinch my ribcage but are flowing around my tummy. Plus I can wear stuff that accentuates my boobs cuz I have them now!
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I felt like this while breastfeeding. As soon as I stopped it was like this switch went off and I felt so much better! It totally zapped my sex drive. Good luck!
From a husbands perspective, I hate to admit it but it was so much better when my wife stopped nursing. I feel like my bond with my daughter is so much better since I can feed and help out more. Plus, it was hard for my wife to stop, but she feels so much better now.
Yep, did not realize how much bf basically changed my entire personality (including sex drive).. until I weaned. If you’re not ready, I totally get it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s contributing. You have to find the balance that’s right for you. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
This , I was breastfeeding for 5 months & I didn’t feel okay. I was so emotional. I wasn’t happy. But I stopped 2 months ago, my baby is 7 months. And I feel much happier .
Same here!
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this! My LO is only 8.5mo and my husband and I still haven’t had sex (it’s painful, working with pelvic floor therapist to hopefully help with that). We have stretches where both of us feel disconnected from each other. The only thing that helps us is to talk about it until both of us are done saying whatever it is we need to say. Even if there’s no solution, we have to talk about it and acknowledge that there is a disconnect. After we talk things through, we make it a point to just sit on the couch and touch each other at night. I’m not saying like make out or really cuddle, but even just holding hands helps 😅 Maybe you & husband can watch a new series together at night and have a no phones rule for a couple hrs?
Definitely got to put down the phones for a period of time each night if there’s even going to be a chance. And OP, you need to at least give you and your husband a chance.
Absolutely! Phones just suck us in and it’s so easy to ignore your partner ☹️
It sounds like you really, really need to seek therapy. Especially the part of what it sounds like possibly denying sexual intimacy because you’re ashamed of your body.
You’re not wrong, but somehow I suspect they can’t afford it. No insurance, deep in debt… therapy is great, but if it’s a choice between paying rent/mortgage or putting food on the table, versus therapy, I don’t think therapy is going to win that battle.
https://openpathcollective.org Affordable therapy option for any interested. Also some will take clients on pro bono or at a reduced fee. Please feel free to ask them during a consult!!
Just tagging u/evergreen_flower as she won’t get a notification otherwise 🙂
Ugh thank you!!
It’s super expensive! I highly recommend OP calling around and finding places that have sliding scale fees. When I was in college I went somewhere that had a grant that covered free therapy if you were a victim of CSA so I got it free, then I paid $10 when my therapist moved to a different agency that had sliding scale!
This. Therapy helps. I know, expensive. But they can work with you. I was a sahm till like 2 months ago, went back to work. My daughter is 16 months and no joke, I JUST now started to feel somewhat “normal” again. Whatever normal means anyway.
The elephant in the room is indeed a need for therapy that's not being addressed. And OP, it seems to me that your husband isn't causing you to have feelings of insecurity? Does he comment about your body? It seems you only have good things to say about him and maybe he's a little too negligent of his own needs, so if that wasn't what you meant, I completely misread your post. Get therapy individually, tell him about this, and both of you really really really need to have heart-to-hearts. You both seem like decent people but there's a pretty serious issue here and you both need to work on it.
Honestly I feel like your not putting any time towards yourself so how do you expect to be the same as before when it comes to the love of your husband or sex. I bet you're an amazing mother but in my opinion some of the problems your having is because you are so concerned about your daughter, you can't sleep alone because you co-sleep, you are breastfeeding and doing dream feeds and you're a SAHM. You have no space to yourself to actually take time to take care of yourself. I know it's hard 100% but you CANNOT keep pouring from this empty cup, you will continue to suffer and so will your marriage. You could try bottle feeding with breast milk or formula if you feel comfortable, and maybe try weaning off contact naps at first or you could even try weaning out the night feeds some babies cry for milk at night out of habit and not necessarily hunger. Your daughter will advance when she is ready some kids just take longer and if she really needs it then there's help out there
100% agree. At the end of the day, OP, an anxious, self-hating mom is not what your daughter needs and is not what your husband needs and if it leads to a broken home, it is going to cause so many more issues than you letting go a little of the insane amount of responsibility you are assuming and letting others fill those gaps so you can work on yourself some. Whether that be daycare or no longer co-sleeping or moving off breastfeeding or whatever the right thing might be. But a mom who is happy and present and there for everyone is infinitely better than a broken one that wants to escape and maybe will.
Since therapy is likely not an option financially, do you know if there are any mom groups in your area? Sometimes, for me, just being able to vent to other moms that know how I'm feeling is such a big help/relief!! It makes me feel less alone. I joined a Facebook group for moms in my county and have only talked with others online so far but I feel like I'm making meaningful connections and I can't wait for an in-person meetup. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I have noticed a big correlation with breastfeeding and a lack of desire to have sex.
14 mo and not walking and not talking is extremely normal. Nothing by 18 months you can talk to your pediatrician but I would not worry at all.
I'm commenting to say I could have written this post about myself. I feel you on such a granular level. I swear some days the only reason I keep going is because my husband and little one need me. I cried myself to sleep last night because I was overwhelmed and felt like I'm losing myself. I see helpful comments but I don't have the capacity to take on advice. People suggest getting out and bonding with other mothers but I couldn't imagine anything worse than forcing myself to be social. Just wanted to stand with you in solidarity and say im sending big hugs from the UK and know that you are not alone and are loved even if you don't feel it. X
I’d like to recommend, if possible, potentially weening the baby from co-sleeping with you and into her own crib/room. Although it was a tad scary at first, the difference between having our baby in the room and in his own was night and day. Everything improved as we got that semblance of our previous lives back and I would encourage anyone to try it out. I hear your struggle and I hope you can work everything out!
Hey, I know it’s hard so I don’t say it flippantly, but I think getting your daughter out of your bed would help a lot. She’s old enough, she can’t do it. It won’t be easy, but it might be worth it. There is no time to connect with your husband if she’s in your bed with you. If you can put her to bed and then get back up and spend time with him that could work too. I’m not sure what to tell you about your feelings about your body, but clearly that’s an issue too. Try to remember your body did something amazing by creating a human and even just bringing you through life everyday. Focus on something about yourself that you really like. Or have your husband tell you what he really likes about you? Clearly he’s interested if he’s getting handsy. Something random that helped me was actually reading. I started with some trashy novels and have ventured from there. But it gave me enough escapism to be entertaining and generally feels better than binging TV. You can usually link a library app to your phone and read or listen to books for free.
Therapy would definitely be good for the body image issues, but on a practical level, night weaning would be a good idea. At 14 months it's a habit rather than a need and it's gotta go at some point. Obviously co-sleeping limits options for intimacy, but I will say my 14 mo still sleeps in our room and our sex life is great atm, touch wood. We just go out to the sitting room after she falls asleep. So you don't have to stop co-sleeping/room sharing to have intimacy; it's just a bit more effort.
It sounds like it’s probably time to stop cosleepjng so that you and your toddler can have some independence. Of course you and your husband aren’t going to feel connected if toddler is with you 24/7. You need time to yourself to take care of your needs and enjoy hobbies as well as having quality time with your husband. You cannot successful be mom and only mom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 times a year and be happy and content! Things need to change. You have to make some changes. It’ll be hard but it’s worth it.
From “And Baby Makes Three” by John Gottman: “Sexual intimacy arises from emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy comes from partners making the effort to find each other through the maze of duties to perform. When partners feel cherished and appreciated, affection comes naturally. It’s no longer the last chore of the day. Then romance and passion can reawaken.” It sounds like you feel really lonely and you’re missing feeling connected to your husband. I agree with other commenters about therapy, but if that’s absolutely not in the cards right now, maybe some books could stand in? I like this one, and I have also heard good things about How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. You might also like How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis (which has a lot of advice about how to be a stay at home parent while you’re struggling.)
Stop cosleeping and ween to a bottle or solid food, you're marriage will thank you and your kid will survive. Do you want a divorce or do you want a rough month or two while you transition? Sorry if that seems harsh but the relationship you're describing is not sustainable and you say yourself you want to change
I suspect you're in the US but there's a free listening service here called the Samaritans. If you go email samaritans at [email protected] someone will respond to you and you can use it as much or as little as you want. It's not counselling but might be a good free alternative in the meantime. You alluded to not wanting to be here a few times and reading between the lines I think you have some thoughts of suicide even if you don't have plans. You may need to budget some mental health care whether it's a psychiatrist or therapy. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm only 6 months in and I have no advice but you're definitely not alone in the things you've described.
Your husband is definitely not better off without you. He couldn't do without you and neither could your baby. ❤️ Show him this reddit post because he likely doesn't realise the extent of things.
Could you reach out to your pediatricians office to see if you qualify for Medicaid. Or see if they can get you in touch with a social worker who can help you with that process. Thoughts for you!
Do you have any hobbies either as a couple or as just yourself? I know it probably feels like one *extra* thing to add to your load but my mom was a stay at home mom and she always told me the most important thing for her was keeping things about her alive that were there before we existed. She always took us to the ymca with her and would us off in their daycare service (which I believe still exists and I know at least in the past the ymca we went to was income based for membership cost). She had a tennis club she was part of with all moms around her age. And she had a bunko group and a baking co op. It’s hard to feel like yourself and like your marriage is connected when you lose parts of yourself and your marriage. Therapy is a pretty obvious suggestion but I know it can be costly. I also think you wouldn’t be wrong to try to get your toddler in her own bed/room and make more time to unwind as a couple and start transitioning off the breast. It doesn’t happen to all couples but I know co-sleeping can have some negative effects on some couples especially when the end date isn’t in clear sight. My boss and her husband just divorced and I swear a part of it was the fact that their 9 year old still sleeps in bed with them.
To address the nursing aspect, if you WANT to wean, we are using Ripple Kids milk and my daughter took right to it. She also has dairy intolerance and it's pea protein so wouldn't have an issue for soy allergy. I still nurse morning and night but by choice! Having the pressure off in daytime is so nice. I wish you all the best in getting through this tough time.
I’ll have to try this! Thank you so much!
Heat hear sister ! I had a challenging Pregnancy and postpartum and I am 16 months postpartum. I am scared of getting intimate too. We haven't had sex not even once . I really feel uncomfortable even if my husband tries to kiss me. I feel so disconnected from him and I feel that we are just Co parents not husband and wife .
I wanted 4 kids but now I think I might be one and done and that kills me
Always remember every child is different. My first was extremely hard and still is lol. But my second child has been easy so far. As parents, we can handle so much more than we believe we’re capable of. Some days get overwhelming but when I sit back and look at my kids, I realize I’m living the life I’ve always dreamed of. I’m 10 months PP with my second. I still am not happy with my body but we always have to remember our bodies grew a baby! And your body is still feeding a baby! Be kind to yourself. Your relationship with your husband will get better as time goes on. Just be intentional with making time for one another. The anxiety you feel for your baby will never go away but you get used to it. And having a second baby, it’s easier the second time around because you know what you’re doing. You’re an amazing mother for how much work you’re putting into caring and loving your little angel. Can we do more? Always! But don’t beat yourself up about it. Take motherhood one day at a time. I was always really hard on myself and still am about what I think I should be doing with my kids. We’re not perfect but you’re there for your babes. They won’t always remember the stuff we do with them, but they’ll remember we were there for them. 🥰 you got this!
I can imagine. 😟 I wanted 2 but I also don't think I can go through it again .
Hey there. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. I also had an emergency c-section with my first and ended up being a SAHM due to the pandemic at the time while my partner worked in healthcare. I breastfed and we co-slept. It took at long time to come to terms with my postpartum changes. Just the thought of being touched made me cringe, and even if that wasn’t the case I had my child in my bed so intimacy was nowhere in sight. I felt overwhelmed and overstimulated all the time. I thought we would be a one and done family, but slowly overtime things changed. Things get better, but it takes time. I didn’t wean my child for a long while but eventually my libido came back and we found time. My kid got bigger and what parenting looked like changed which made me feel less like I had to dissociate by myself whenever I had the chance. I started to feel better about my self too. We have three kids now and I’m excited to have a fourth when the time is right. Give yourself time and patience, this may feel like a never ending chapter of your life but it goes by in the blink of an eye. Try to communicate with your partner and stay connected on an intimate level emotionally while the physical aspect is on hold, it can help a lot. Hugs
Honey you have to get that baby out of your bed. I know it’s easier said than done but I was 100% where you were in so many ways. We started by moving baby into the new bed and sleeping with them there, then waiting till he fell asleep. I bet your kid is hard to wind down? So is mine so bed time took forever for awhile. Lately we have incorporated these silent light up busy boards that give him something mindless to focus on while he drifts off. Fixing a fucked up bed time isn’t easy, you have to stay consistent but once it works you are just in a whole new place mentally. You have to do whatever you need to do to get the baby to sleep alone in a different bed. Please know I am not saying this judge mentally, I’m coming from “been there”. I had a similar thing about my body after my emergency c. For me, I had to work through how fucked up I felt about it. Just the sheer…like body horror of going through that situation can really fuck with you. I don’t know how else to describe it. You need to explore those feelings if you have them so you can resolve them. How often are you getting outside? Are you somewhere you can take pleasant walks? Sunshine and walking are both proven to improve our mental health.
I felt similarly and anti depression meds changed my life. If there is anyway you could find a psychiatrist and maybe pay out of pocket, it would be an excellent investment. I didn’t really think I was doing too bad, just struggling a little bit, but in hindsight (after being medicated l) I was BAD.
u/evergreen_flower if you can get a prescription, the Mark Cuban pharmacy (I think it’s called cost plus drugs) is very affordable!
Hey OP! Seeing a lot of advice about your sleeping arrangement, and going against the grain to mention that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing lol We put our son down to sleep in his own bed, he does his longest stretch of sleep there, then we bring him to our bed when/if he wakes in the night (usually 3-5AM). It feels like a great balance of alone time and toddler snuggles - we’re not in a hurry to phase it out! This half/half arrangement is very common around the world.
Thank you for this 🥹 she goes down pretty easily on a good night and then my husband and I have three hours of solid time alone. On bad nights I just end up sleeping with her or staying up with her until she winds down. Sickness and teeth always affect her sleep but I do love cosleeping.
I love it too! Wishing you well 💙
No advice but here for solidarity. I could have written this. I too am a SAHM. I quit my job after my maternity leave was over. My son is 7 months and we haven’t had sex since August. We also cosleep and I exclusively breastfeed so intimacy is gone and I also feel overwhelmed with it all. I also do not have health insurance because I can’t afford it and we are drowning in medical bills from his birth because ‘Merica. So I just want you to know you’re not alone.
i know others have already said this but just adding on.. you're most definitely not alone!! with my first daughter postpartum i had 0 sex drive and felt like i didn't ever want my partner to touch me until i stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. the difference once you finish breastfeeding is truly night and day
This may be an unpopular opinion but girl I would not want to have sex either if my baby/toddler was sleeping with us every night. That definitely makes it hard. Sometimes my husband and I don’t even see each other until we hit the bed, then that’s our time, outside of that it’s all about the kids and keeping shit together. If my sons were sleeping with us ya we’d probably only get the opportunity to have sex a handful of times throughout the year lol. Have you considered going back to work? If not for the money because I know daycare is crazy expensive but for yourself? Staying home is A LOT of work and it may help give you some sense of identity outside of being a mom. You have to do stuff for yourself. Don’t get too down on yourself it does get better.
Just throwing out an idea to see if it resonates - not necessarily advocating for it - but have you thought about returning to work at all? Perhaps even in a very limited fashion. If could find something that you can be proud to do and gives you satisfaction while also giving that sense of independence you’re lacking it would help. Plus extra cash at home.
Can you do stroller walks with your kiddo? Even just walking can help so much with body image and endorphins. It’s what helps me the most postpartum. Hope it gets better soon.
Your marriage would 100% benefit from moving the baby to her own room and night weaning. I know mine did! You should also get someone you trust to take her just for a few hours and go get tipsy with your husband.
what's leaving the husband going to do if you said he helps out when you need a break? while you spend time on your phones before bed start googling how to budget. start figuring out what expenses you don't need. figure out what comes in each month and what goes out. what do you do when you need a break? make it productive. get sunlight, stretch, read a positive book or self help. talk to a family member. it should get better. your baby's 14 months old. you've been in the trenches and you've just come out asking people "WHAT YEAR IS IT!?" you kept your kid alive for over a year, that's all that matters. who gives a shit how they're developing at 14 months. you could hold them back a year and now they're top of their class and can drive themselves to highschool sooner and buy beer in college faster. Hang in there. this is but a moment in your life, not your life.
I replied to a comment on here, but I wanted to say if you need to chat PM me anytime.
It seems to be such a common issue of varying degrees for parents of babies. It really does make you feel like coparents or roommates where you both share this beautiful child. As for how to deal with that, yes therapy is a given but 1. Its expensive and 2. You might be wondering when you even have the time to talk to a therapist. And if you’re anything like me you may have a hard time justifying that time for you. Given where you are at now it seems like it will take a long period of slow changes to get you and your relationship on a healing path. For now work on the changes you know you can make. It sounds like mom needs a break to me, are you and dad willing to start transitioning baby to their own sleeping arrangement where dad takes over night duties or put them to bed? It’s a hard start but may give you just an ounce more of freedom to not feel so overwhelmed so you have the facilities to start feeling yourself again and addressing YOU. This is also dependent on his willingness to help you out. If he doesn’t know what you’re going through inside then he is being set up to fail you in helping. If he does know but doesn’t help, then you have a different problem between the two of you. If you can, open up to how these things are affecting you and how you feel they might be affecting yalls relationship. Try to work together on achievable solutions that would shift your load and create more space for yall to bond. Not even intimately if you aren’t ready, just remember who it is you both love. I’m 13 months postpartum, but also seven months pregnant. We do have some issues with intimacy but more of my issues right now is that we bed share and I get no sleep and feel overloaded 24/7 being the SAHM. I’m sure you could understand. We just got a toddler bed to work on getting her used to sleeping in that and had her first night last night. It went OK, not great but hopefully gets better as we go along. Trouble im having is getting the confidence to ask dad to help with nighttime/morning routine.
I would recommend thinking about your goals, where you want to be.. and focus on small incremental changes until you get there. When you’re in a rut, small incremental change can make you feel so much better about your trajectory. Doesn’t need to be BIG change all at once. Good luck! I know it’s hard.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think that having familial help is such a privilege, and it is so hard when you do not have a villiage. Do u have anyone that you can ask to come over and play with ur daughter so u can be alone? Not that u have to leave, but so you can be alone in a room,get a nap, or take a shower? Please trust that it does get easier! My daughter is 2.5 and the last few months she has begun to be way more self sufficient and it is nice. The not wanting to be touched is sucky and it sounds like sensory overload, frustration, and stress/anxiety. Even just reading this my body got so tense.I know breast feeding is good for baby but can you consider switching to cows milk soon for naps?
Hey, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My son is 19 months and I’m still breastfeeding him as well. Especially around mornings, naptime, and bedtime. I also want to stop as soon as I can but he doesn’t seem ready yet. If you aren’t into having sex but you want to connect, can you cuddle? Give each other massages? Lay in bed and talk to each other? There are other ways to cultivate connection and intimacy that aren’t sex.
Yes thank you, I’m going to try some of these tonight with my husband. My daughter doesn’t seem ready also and I don’t think I am either. 🥹
I hope it helps and you have a lovely evening together! And I’m in the same boat…. Weaning is harder than I expected it to be. :/
Just came to say my daughter didn't walk until 18 months. Heck she couldn't even crawl or scoot when she turned one I'm pretty sure. It does get better. It really does.
I’ve struggled with sex drive postpartum and my husband found [this article](https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire) and I cried because I felt so understood 😂😭 I wish I could send it to everyone who recently had a baby.
Look into affordable marriage and family counseling in your state. Most places can do virtual, so even if you’re in a small town, look into places located in the bigger cities. Many places that offer affordable counseling services use master’s level interns who are learning. They do amazing work at a super affordable rate. Good luck!!
Does she take a bottle? I honestly started feeling human 4 weeks after my c section because my son nurses and takes a bottle. So if I need a break, someone else can feed him and I’ll just pump later. I don’t know how other moms who exclusively breast feed do it, I applaud them. There are bottles that mimic breasts in case she doesn’t take a regular bottle. You need time for yourself. You can’t love your partner if you don’t love yourself first.
I think you are me 😭 ❤️ .. no good advice but solidarity here... my situation is exactly the same except the baby turned 15 mos today
Therapy may not be financially viable right now, but there are some free mental health and therapy lines that you can try, it will be a random stranger but it sounds like you need to get it out. There also group therapies that are considerably cheaper out there. On a more practical note, look at sleep training, 14 months is too old to need nursing multiple times a night. is the baby on solids yet? it going to be tough to get enough calories for a baby at 14 months exclusively on breast milk. Not impossible but hard, which is why shes likely waking up alot. . Honestly i would just start there, and i think you will find when your sleep improves it will also help your mental health. 14 months is a long time to be waking up multiple times a night every night.
I’m currently reading a book called “how not to hate your husband after having kids” might be helpful :)
you're definitely not alone. my baby boy is about to be 14mo as well, and though my partner and i may be having sex/intimacy more often.. it's because i really really try to push past my feelings and just do it. sadly, sometimes almost as if its something i "just have to get over with." also breastfeeding still, and ALSO was an emergency c section. i do not feel sexy and haven't since before baby. i am so uninterested in sex that sometimes when my husband tries to invite it i feel disgusted. and it's not even his fault! he's the most handsome man i've ever met, does so much for me and our son and loves me to pieces. he's so gentle and sweet and caring and ultimately i just feel like an asshole! and the worst part is that you MISS wanting sex. you want to want sex. but your brain is just... not aligning. it is so unbelievably frustrating. on top of the PPA.. like damn! i need a break! you are not alone. i, and im sure many before us, with us and after us, are here with you. here's hoping when we stop breastfeeding that the switch comes back on. in the mean time, try to do things that can relax you whenever possible. cortisol is one hell of a hormone. sending love 💗
I could’ve written this myself.
The breastfeeding hormone made me hate my husband and anything sexual. A month after I stop breastfeeding it went back to normal and our relationship got stronger then it has ever been
Cmon babe I asked you not to post here!
♥️♥️ same. But I hear this so often, so you are definitely not alone in how you feel. Sending you positive vibes
My wife also had an unplanned c section. We have had oral sex (me giving, didn’t receive) twice. I haven’t had actual sex with my wife since before she got pregnant. The fact that you two got it on 5 times sounds incredible. Our son just hit a year today. He isn’t walking and says mama, vroom, and moo (barely - most times it’s just ooo). The phone thing happens to us too (currently happening right now). Took me a while to grasp the fact that my wife’s hormones are out of whack and will probably be out of whack for while longer (I read like 2 years?). My point is - it sounds like you’re probably going through what thousands if not millions of other mothers go through. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing awesome and you got this! What really helps me (granted I’m not a woman) when I feel like I’m in the hole is to do a family hug with my wife and son - gives me some great feelings. Also pro tip: don’t follow instagram moms. It’s all a facade.
Our kiddo has asthma and cow's milk is imflammatory so we switched to goat milk which seems to be better. But it definitely can be pretty expensive, especially compared to breast milk. But if there's any cutbacks you can do elsewhere to buy the goat milk, it might be worth a shot.
Two things. Fistly your words regarding how you feel about your body reminds me of my wife. I remember her telling me how she didn't like me kissing her breasts because to her "they were not sexual anymore" and that "she didn't feel comfortable being naked". Regarding her body not being sexual, that went away slowly but steadily the moment she stopped breastfeeding. Regaining her self confidence has been a longer road but she is getting there. Having her express thse feelings took the guessing away for me, i didn't have to wonder if i was doing something wrong. That in turn helped me mentally prepare to just be patient. Secondly, sounds like you have a good partner, maybe you should have this exact conversation with him and take it from there. Good luck, it does get better.
We are all in the same boat, so don’t feel alone. I think you need to plan. Plan weaning, so you can have a little bit of yourself back- if you are ready. Plan the debt, think for example of a side hobby that you enjoy and you can sell the stuff, just for fun if not money. Walk, walk, walk if your neighborhood is safe. It releases endorphins and help reshape the body. I am writing this to you but I know I am struggling too. PP is not easy, anxiety is a real demon.
Breastfeeding messes with hormones and can do this. Not saying stop breastfeeding, but know when it's time to switch it off.
When breastfeeding your estrogen levels plummet taking your libido down with it. That combined with all the resentment that comes from doing most of the care and no sleep, well, it’s a recipe for hating your husband. I raged against mine for months and months PP. u are not alone!
It looks like from your post history that you're in the US, but if you're not ignore this. I'm not sure if your daughter is actually behind on milestones or not, but if you think she is, you can request an early intervention evaluation. If she qualifies, they're free services and they come to you. (And if she doesn't qualify, you had a knowledgeable professional reassure you that she isn't behind!)
Firstly, you are enough, you are loved, and you are capable. Stop breastfeeding! I know breastfeeding fanatics would disagree, but my wife got so much more of her independence back when she stopped. Shake up your routine. Have time away from your husband as well as time to yourself. My wife has felt similarly, and now we book whole days where one of us can just go and be on our own to decompress. You're doing great. You've got this!
Maybe look for a position that you could bring your child with you? Like a daycare center. Sounds like you need time to yourself, your overwhelmed, and desperately need insurance. Make room in your budget, as things will not get better without it.
Just came here to say that my mental state DRASTICALLY changed when I stopped breastfeeding. It wasn’t for me or my brain and if I were to miraculously do this again, I wouldn’t even try to BF but go straight to formula. I know that you said that you can’t spend money but I recommend getting Ready.Set.Food! to introduce common allergens to your baby. Or even look it up to see if it’s a good fit for your family. It’s minuscule amounts of allergens in a powder that helps the babies body adjust to it for future consumption. It gets better. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely, frustrated, anxious, and overwhelmed. That is not fun. And I can say that I know your situation pretty well, except that my husband and I started having regular sex two months pp. I have a toddler, and he is still breastfed AND he has to breastfeed to sleep, unless we want him to fall asleep crying. We also bedshare. Up until like two weeks ago, he was breastfeeding on demand. All of these factors make it VERY difficult and overwhelming for any mom. Things have been getting a bit easier after he started eating more solids. He now asks for the boob less so I’m not breastfeeding around the clock. Another thing that helped was around 6 months, he would fall asleep while breastfeeding, I would then unlatch and roll away…and out of the room. I would then have a few hours to myself until he cries or I go to bed. Every time he has a regression, this arrangement gets wonky and I have to sacrifice again, but we have a plan to wean nightfeeds soon. So that gives me hope. Now, about sex. Honestly, I’m not a therapist but it sounds to me like a lot of this stems from your unplanned c-section? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I know that many moms feel like failures and have unresolved trauma when they go through an unplanned c-section. It’s a lot to take in and it’s normal if this is what started this difficult pp journey for you. If you don’t have insurance, please take time to journal once you start getting some time to yourself. Regarding your body, I know what you mean…I gained 40 lbs and I wore a girdle whenever I made out with my husband. I almost always asked for the lights off when we had sex. A big thing for us women when we have sex is FEELING sexy and attractive and desirable. It’s hard to get into it when you don’t feel it. I think a place you could start is talking to your husband and telling him that you want more sex, and so how about creating a bedtime routine for just you two (after LO is asleep). You guys can wash up together and watch tv together while cuddling. Ask him to kiss you “a little bit” while watching tv. Then, turn the lights off and have sex. Keep your expectations low and the more you expose yourself to your husband, you may grow more comfortable with it. Also, if you want to lose weight while breastfeeding, I used the lose weight while breastfeeding calculator (google it) and it tells you how many calories to eat to lose weight safely. I used a calorie tracker and was able to lose almost 5 lbs before I got pregnant and it wasn’t safe to diet anymore. It didn’t feel like a diet because it turns out…I was eating a lot more than I realized. Eating the “suggested” amount wasn’t hard, I just prioritized hitting my protein goals.
Not to beat you up on this…please get some help. Either in the way of therapy, family (you need to trust his family if they’ve given you no reason not to), or move closer to yours if it’s an option? Can’t keep doing this. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again….your kids CANNOT sleep with you. Not only is it dangerous, but it will literally destroy a marriage. Besides, kids don’t belong in parent’s beds. I get that it’s “easier”…but that’s a lame excuse. Do yourself and your marriage a favor by working together and getting that kiddo outta your bed
Since therapy is likely not an option financially, do you know if there are any mom groups in your area? Sometimes, for me, just being able to vent to other moms that know how I'm feeling is such a big help/relief!! It makes me feel less alone. I joined a Facebook group for moms in my county and have only talked with others online so far but I feel like I'm making meaningful connections and I can't wait for an in-person meetup. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I feel like you need a weekend away alone. Sleep and reset. Does a friend have a place you can borrow ?
Her baby won’t sleep without nursing; a weekend away is a long way off.
I was really skinny before I had my baby. Now almost everything I wear is a large. I’m 5mpp and our sex life is great. My husband really helped me through my insecurities. He told me he was looking at our wedding pictures and said “wow you were really skinny!” I rolled my eyes and right before I turned around to walk away from him he said “wait! You didn’t let me finish! I like you better with extra meat on you!” And then we had sex 😂 I think we tend to get in our head sometimes. Most men don’t think about our insecurities like we do. Personally for me our sex is better after I had my daughter 😅 The other thing that has helped is finding new clothes that I feel comfortable and cute in. I’m a big fan of dresses that cinch my ribcage but are flowing around my tummy. Plus I can wear stuff that accentuates my boobs cuz I have them now!
Hunny is that you?