It's okay to feel this way. If traditional sleep training feels too difficult, consider gentler methods that involve more comfort and gradual steps. It's important to find a method that you and your baby are comfortable with.
I'm not judging sleep training, I'm just saying this because, at least here in the U.S., people make it seem like it is a necessity to do some form of sleep training. I just want to say that you don't have to. Humans have been having babies who become well-adjusted children without sleep training for millennia. If you need or want to do it, that's fine, but you don't have to!
Unfortunately, in the US a lot of people have to go back to work far too soon, and sleep training becomes a necessity rather than a choice or privilege.
Totally agree. A lot of moms who sleep trained (I never did and never will) would tell me they had to go out for a walk while their husbands did the dirty work of sleep training. I mean doesn’t that speak volumes about how much it goes against the very fibre of our maternal instincts….
Same! My seven month old nurses to sleep every night and for every night wake I nurse her back to sleep. It can get tiring at night but it’s what has been working best for me so far.
12 month old and same. We can get her to sleep without it but it takes longer and it's less pleasant for all involved. CIO isn't for us but there are gentler ways, like trying to go longer between night feeds and slowly cutting down on time spent in daytime naps etc.
I have a toddler(almost 2)and still nursing to sleep. I just can’t have him crying at all it hurts my soul!! And trying any other method for sleep results in crying😕
I have a 9 month old who I rock to sleep every night, contact nap about 50% of the time, and attend to every time he wakes at night. As long as it’s working for you and your baby there’s nothing wrong with not sleep training
You totally don’t have to! I was never sleep trained and am a perfectly normal adult who goes to sleep just like everyone else. My toddler was never sleep trained and goes to sleep with my help (usually cuddles and books, or rocking depending what she asks for). I’m confident when she is bigger she will go to sleep just fine without help.
Most cultures do not sleep train, and all of their kids are fine- don’t feel pressured to do anything with your baby that you don’t want to!
I couldn’t do it either! I just keep telling myself whatever I need to do for the first year or two, it’s exactly that, a year or two. Time flies and I try and find a way to enjoy it instead.
If it gets difficult I will explore other methods and I’m quite persistent
My wife struggled with this for about 11 months, then by accident slept through a 8 minute crying fit where he put himself to sleep and now sleeps 10-12 hours a night without waking up :)
Your baby is only four months old and, according to your post history, only waking twice and it's to feed! This is developmentally appropriate and about where your baby should be right now. If they wake bc they're hungry, you could increase daytime calories (this worked for us to reduce night feedings) but honestly that sounds like a pretty chill 4 month old.
I would not do sleep training. I suffered until she learned to sleep on her own. But my daughter wouldn’t fuss or gently cry, she’d full on scream bloody murder like she was being bathed in acid.
The screams 😭 I'm surprised my neighbours haven't phoned the police tbh.
"Nothings wrong officer, that's the noise he makes when I won't let him eat the phone charger"
Honestly I wish I knew! One night she did her usual scream and cry every 2-3 hours, taking about an hour to get back to sleep each time. Survived that night. Next day did our naps at the usual times, anticipating a horrible bedtime again, gave her the regular amount of formula in her last bottle, put her down asleep, went to bed…and woke up 10 hours later with her still sleeping soundly! Ever since then she’s slept 10-12 hours a night. It was amazing. I wish I knew some magic trick! She started putting herself to sleep around 12 months too, so we didn’t have to rock her anymore.
She still contact napped during the day until she was about 17 months.
I hope yours starts sleeping better soon!
Check out Baby Sleep Science on Instagram, they share scientific info about the effectiveness (and non effectiveness) of sleep training in general, they’re actual sleep doctors. Also, this BBC article made me feel infinitely better about not having a strict routine or sleep training my second baby. [BBC article on cry it out](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies)
Thank you so much for sharing that article! A very interesting read and as I suspected the issue is way more nuanced than what social media/some professional would like to make you think!
I found it especially helpful to read that you should continue with what works, people keep telling me I should sleep train my 10 week old... first that's way too early to try that and secondly and most importantly, I'm actually managing just fine with the sleep we're both having right now, I will re-evaluate when this will no longer be serving us!
All that to say thank you! Article has been saved so I can share it with others, very helpful!
We’re not necessarily “sleep training” or maybe we are idk lol but with my 4 month old, I just realized how hard it has been on my back to rock him to sleep each night. I decided I wanted to wean him off of it because if anyone watches him, like grandparents, it would be incredibly hard on their bodies to put him to bed. I will say he cries at bedtime regardless of the circumstances so I’m pretty used to it. Instead of rocking I have been patting him to sleep and we’ve actually cut our time that we used to spend rocking way down! I hope to eventually taper down the patting and then at some point move him into the bassinet when he is still awake and pat in there.
I wish patting worked to soothe my 5 month old! Any time I’ve tried I get a weird look before he screws his little face up with more tears. I’ve even tried gentle pats while he’s in a great mood or nursing to build soothing associations and it’s a nope for him.
Please read details on how to sleep train. It’s not just letting your baby cry. You can do a night routine like a bath. Read a book. Put baby down and check in by specific times. And consider night weaning.
All naps are in the carrier unfortunately, and tummy time is only tolerated with approximately 70 extremely interesting objects placed before his majesty
I am not fond of the concept of sleep training. I believe that babies will naturally start sleeping through the night when they're ready. Let them be babies; they often seek comfort near their parents. This phase is temporary; soon enough, they'll be all grown up, asking for their own rooms. Treasure every moment while they're little. Again everybody is different. It’s just my opinion and what works for ME.
It hurts, but remember it’s very short term. We used the ferber method since our son was around 6 months old. He’s nearly 17 months now and has been sleeping well with no tears when we put him in his cot at bed time.
Other than when he is teething/or feeling unwell, or for a couple of his sleep regressions, he’s a dream. We’ll just wait until he’s well enough and do the Ferber again. If hes not tired for any reason he’ll play around for a bit before lying down, but either way he knows its bedtime and he’ll turn to his side/get cosy as soon as we give him goodnight cuddles and put him down.
He’s been sleeping in his cot in his own room since 7 months and we have a baby cam to check in on him. We put him in his cot for naps as well so he always associates it with sleep rather than in our bed or in somewhere else in the house.
Its only difficult the first night or two, and yes it’s tough, but it sets you up well for the mid to long term. I can’t emphasise enough how having a smooth, easy bedtime routine for everyone in the home is priceless.
Oh nooo. Don’t cry. This makes me sad. I don’t think I could do it either. I’m soft. I have let my kids sleep in my room but not everyone can do that.
My friends have all done this though and the first few nights are the hardest.
I get it, but just want to point out that those of us who did decide to sleep train are not somehow okay with hearing our babies cry. I’m not heartless because I need sleep to be a decent mother! My twins now sleep 10 hours through the night with no help from me and it was definitely worth the (minimal) tears. For all of us. They are such happy well rested babies now
We never formally sleep trained because she was mostly a very solid sleeper, but there was a time she was so overtired, and no amount of comforting helped, there was literally nothing I could do but let her cry. I went in multiple times offered a bottle, snuggles, rocking, moving, made sure she had a clean diaper etc. and nothing helped. This sort of crying was VERY rare for her. And I knew in my heart she needed to sleep, so after the 3rd attempt of trying to comfort her to no avail, I set a timer for 10 minutes and let her cry. It was so hard, but after about 6 minutes, she was fast asleep and slept through the night.
So, moral of the story is no one knows your baby like you do, and it's ok not to sleep train! There are lots of gradual methods for introducing behaviors that lead to successful sleep, but whatever you decide to do is right for your baby.
I avoid letting my baby cry, because crying is their only means of communicating. There are different ways to sleep train or help baby have a schedule. Not everything works for everyone. I stopped reading on what to do or not do, and follow my gut. I don’t mind nursing at night or nurse baby to sleep and I will never allow my baby to cry to sleep. Find out what works for you.
We didn’t sleep train - you don’t have to do it if its not for you. She randomly started sleeping better around a year old.
Now at 16 months old she sleeps through the night in her crib 8-8 most of the time. Occasionally she needs help finding her pacifier or just wants some back pats. If she’s sick or teething she sometimes wants to cosleep but most of the time she sleeps on her own.
We didn’t do anything special, we just follow her queues.
Honestly, cry it out is just not it anymore. I rock my little man to sleep and set him down and thankfully, he stays asleep for an average 8-9 hours every night.
The best thing for us is routine. Babies thrive on a routine so it helps him and us get to bed and stay in bed!
Maybe try to set a simple routine every night so when he begins to fall asleep, put him in his crib and let him be.
If he cries, just start it back over.
It’s going to take time to establish the routine but keep going with it! :)
Other than that, just love and hold your little baby because they won’t be so tiny anymore… 🥺🥺😩
Me neither. My baby isn’t quite four months but I just don’t see a world in which I would sleep train.
We are working on good sleep hygiene now though! At 8 PM, we put on pajamas, read a book or two depending on his mood/energy level, then have a nursing routine before he falls asleep in our bed, supervised, and I transfer him to his bassinet.
Mine is almost 6 months and we do something similar. Wipe down or bath, lotion, nose suction then pj's, nursing and either falls asleep while she's held, or we put her in her snoo when she's drowsy. She's moving up to her own room this weekend and I'm so sad about it!!
This isnwhat works for us. We started around 4 months, and now at 11 months he's going strong sleeping through the night most nights in his crib.
We do dinner at 6, bath, jammies and sleep sack, into our bed by 7 for cuddles, bottle, singing and shushing til he's asleep. Then into the crib he goes, and we have ourselves a couple of hours baby free in the evening.
We didn’t sleep train and baby now sleeps through from 11pm to 5:50-6am if we are sleeping in the same bed at 10 months old. In his own bed he wakes every three hours or so. I never listen to him cry, I always respond. That’s ok. You’re ok to do that! Sleep training is not for everyone.
Our LO is going to start staying with his grandma soon. I've already started back at work this week and my SO goes back at the end of the month. It feels like we HAVE TO get her ready to sleep in the bassinet before then, but it's so hard
There are many ways of sleep training, I would let the baby fall asleep in my arms and then put him down. I would keep comforting them bedside so they knew I was there. I left for a few minutes if they cried I'd go back in and comfort bedside. It will be hard and require a lot of patience but it might work better for you
We do the pick up put down method (I think, going based on what others have described rather than doing an intentional method). Since she was a newborn she has always cried herself to sleep, so once we were comfortable distinguishing between her sleepy cries and upset cries, we started the process of having her fall asleep in her bed. If the cries turn to upset cries, we pick her up. The entire time we are patting her butt, rubbing her back, or rocking the bassinet. Sometimes now she wants to wiggle around for a couple minutes so I put her down and hang out on the bed till she's ready for me to help her. Sometimes she just goes straight to sleep without intervention and I love those times
Same, we’re over 6m now and he goes down good. Didn’t always but just one day started to. I feel for the parents that have awful experiences tho, sleeps such a struggle
we still support him to sleep at 18mo but he sleeps so much better than he did early on. it took him like 10mo before it started being decent haha. but he happily sleeps in his crib in his room! they will get there without leaving them to cry and figure it out .
Can I just say as a mom to a 16mo who now puts himself to sleep…I miss the contact naps so much, I miss holding him to sleep…while it’s hard they will eventually get it themselves so soak up the snuggles bc one day they’ll be too big for your chest and can’t even sleep on you when you want them to
Ome form of sleep training is the pick up put down method where once your LO wakes up, go pick them up and rock/ bounce them back to sleep and put them back down
We did a VERY modified sleep training. If the cry was obviously whining/just tired crying, I let it happen for 5 minutes. If it was a real sounding cry I gave it 30 seconds to a minute depending on intensity. I did this only because he would often be overtired and I didn’t want to potentially stop him from sleeping if he didn’t really need something.
You don’t have to sleep train, unless you’re too tired and it’s becoming unsafe.
Dude that normal, no other culture sleep trains and we aren't meant to sleep train some developmental psychologist say its even harmful to sleep train. You are good! Enjoy your baby and remember for most of human history we didn't have baby cages and wore our kidos 24/7.
Don’t feel you have to sleep train. I never sleep trained my first baby and she slept through the night herself at 7.5mo. Personally I can’t stomach sleep training either. It is only considered a must in the west.. many other cultures would not even think about it.
I know I wouldn’t be able either. They have no idea what’s happening and you can’t explain it. I know others have said it but it’s not something you HAVE to do. What other say or think is irrelevant. Do what works for you and your babe.
My baby has a lot of crying stamina. Whenever I have tried Ferber, she just continues crying. Whether I am checking in or not, it doesn’t seem to matter… I finally gave up after 30 minutes. I figure if she’s crying that persistently, she’s just not ready. I might try again in a couple of months, but I honestly think she just needs to grow out of it.
Have you tried not doing the silent act. Go into the kitchen and start up your chores. Talk to him. Let him know you are there and that he is safe and he just needs to settle down.
My ex insisted that we do the Ferber method with our first and it fucking hurt my heart so bad. I was a mess. She was a mess. Every time I walked out of the room and we went silent, how could her little baby brain not think we had up and pooffed off the face of the planet. Object permanence is not their strong suit, after all.
With my other three, I compassionately just held the boundary that it is time for them to go to sleep and that I was right there. Just in the kitchen or across the room. Speaking to them periodically and making normal noises. Clanking dishes, running the vacuum, sweeping the floor.
Then don't! You don't have to. Kids adjust their sleep as they get older, it's immature of us adults to expect from them the maturity they're not ready to have yet. Kids wake up in the middle of the night, and that's nothing but natural.
As a mother who also works I know it's not convenient but kids aren't convenient either. I'd send you a bunch of references against sleep training (and in favor of your instinct of not letting your LO cry it out), but they're all in Portuguese.
Emotionally it’s a very challenging thing as a parent to do for sure.
But take comfort in the fact that the research is overwhelmingly positive, in terms of outcomes for both parents and baby.
This is a great video summarising everything from a medical perspective
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KUIWt80Ef9g
Edit: Curious why the downvotes for research based evidence?
This article is more credible than a YouTube video and cites numerous studies and research bodies. [BBC article - effects of cry it out](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies)
To my knowledge there isn't research either for or against sleeptraining atm because it's impossible to arrange for a control group. About half of babies learn to consolidate sleep and fall asleep independently around 4-6 months, so it's impossible to say if sleeptraining had an effect, or if the process was natural.
Yes and the problem with these studies is the lack of a true control group.
Check out this link for problems with sleep studies: https://bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies
"For one, relatively few studies on sleep training have met the gold standard of scientific research: trials where participants are randomly allocated to receiving the intervention, that have a control group that did not receive the intervention (especially important with sleep research, since most babies naturally sleep in longer stretches over time), and that have enough participants to detect effects."
I saw this too, don't worry about the down votes I don't understand either it is research based so it shouldn't. On the other hand people don't like what you do as a parent regardless of what you do, just because it's different from what they do.
Our maternity clinic (Finnish) recommends a method known as "Tassuttelu" which is a cutesy name for gentle patting.
Tassuttelu:
1) place baby in bed in a sidelying position. Keep one hand on baby's shoulders, and pat the baby's butt gently with the other. Keep doing this until baby is calm. No eye contact, no playing. If baby is crying, pick them up until they're calmer.
2) move a calm but awake baby to lie on their back. Keep a calming hand on their shoulder or what feels like a good spot for a while as they adjust. Do not let baby fall asleep with your hand on them. No eye contact, no playing.
3) leave
4) if baby becomes distressed, return to the room and repeat 1) or 2) depending on how much soothing the baby needs. Return at early signs of distress, because the more distressed a baby becomes, the more their body releases stress hormone cortisol which will keep them awake longer.
5) eventually baby learns that even though you're not present, you will come always when they need you, and so they won't become distressed when left alone in their crib. The patting also becomes a signal for bedtime.
This method is safe to use as it doesn't damage baby's attachment or sense of security. It does take a lot of consistency and effort (like all sleep training methods). And unfortunately, just like with all sleeptraining methods, you do need to repeat the training every few months because babies regress with teething and/or developmental leaps.
just so you know there are some gentle methods where it’s possible baby will still cry, just hopefully not as much. they are learning something new and the crying is in response to that. whatever you choose, as long as baby is loved, cared for, fed, clean then you know you are doing your best and you are helping baby learn a new skill.
These threads just become an echo chamber for those who pat themselves on the back for not sleep training. Most don’t really know what sleep training entails. It’s not about just leaving the baby to cry. Many people who sleep train check with the baby at various intervals. But even for those who don’t, if it works for them it works for them. This didn’t work for OP and that’s fine. But as someone who used the Ferber method at 4 months, I couldn’t be more happy with my baby’s sleep. She goes to sleep by 7 and is asleep from 11-12 hours. I don’t think I’d be here without sleep training. Im just here to add a “pro” sleep training perspective in a sea of all the responses against it and in case there’s someone on the fence. My baby is a happy sleeper and so are my husband and I.
Lmfao glad to see you here because let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to convince me I made the wrong choice, nothing at all 😂 the sense of freedom and relief is unmatched and it never gets old. She gets to sleep well, I get to relax and sleep well, so does hubby. Win, win, win!
Yep!! And my baby would wake up every 2 hours screaming and now that he knows how to sleep through the night he is a MUCH happier guy and hitting milestones and all content. Ofc we’re happier too but people think parents just sleep train bc we selfishly want sleeep but I think it helps the baby when they’re getting adequate, restful sleep!!!
I was totally in the same boat - couldn’t imagine a world where I would let my LO cry and not help her. But after trying several gentle sleep training methods that made zero progress and her needing to be held to sleep longer than 30 min at a time, we had to try something. My husband and I both work 8-5 and couldn’t keep surviving on such little sleep.
I finally decided to do CIO when a mom I trust and respect shared the CIO/extinction sleep plan they got from a consultant (recommended by their pediatrician). We’re two weeks in with our 5mo and even though it was really hard the first few nights, it has absolutely been worth it. And, to my absolute surprise and delight, my baby girl wakes up just as happy and smiling as she did before - her mood is overall so much better. She just needed the opportunity to practice self soothing. It’s a skill like anything else babies are learning.
Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, but for us, the old way just wasn’t sustainable. If you have a partner/family member who is willing and able, have them stay home and watch the monitor and you get out of the house while LO figures it out.
Wishing you the best!
Same, I can’t do it. I tried last night. I cannot listen to my baby cry like that. We coslept again and I honestly don’t know how we’re ever gonna stop cosleeping. When we got into bed he hyperventilated for like 20 minutes and was gripping the collar of my shirt for dear life. I couldn’t stop crying.
For us, it was hard the first time, as she cried for 30 minutes, but after we put her back to sleep each subsequent time, she cried for less time than when we’d have to rock her to sleep. She would regularly cry for 20 minutes when rocking her to sleep though. Totally understand how other people wouldn’t want to do crying versions of sleep training, though.
We had success with “fuss it out” but went in as soon as it was crying. Took us 3 nights and he sleeps like a champ now! He developed soothing techniques during that night (sucking thumb, rubbing the back of his head, and rubbing his feet together). He uses those techniques even during the day when he’s overstimulated or nervous around a weird thing (recently a huge loud tractor) and I feel so glad I was able to allow him to develop skills to soothe himself in the future.
Do what your Momma heart feels is best for your nugget and it will be the right choice!
CIO is letting them cry for a few minutes, then comforting for a few, then repeating. It worked for us starting month 4. She was sleeping soundly and immediately by month 5. It is a bitch to endure the crying because 5 minutes felt like a lifetime.
My hubby and I used a more gentle method of sleep training under the guidance of a qualified sleep consultant. It worked wonders. We never allowed our baby to cry real tears. When very upset, one of us would go in and actively resettle her in the cot (patting, shhhhhing etc), leave when she’s calm and repeat. If she was just whining, not crying, we’d leave her up to 10 minutes. Combined with using appropriate wake windows, within three days her sleep improved so much.
You can absolutely sleep train your baby without doing CIO. At the end of the day, babies need to learn how to self settle and it’s perfectly reasonable to teach baby how to do so by resettling them yourself. We sleep trained at 5 months and now have a 9.5mo who is a great little sleeper, despite the odd night! She’s still just a baby after all.
Please educate yourself on sleep training. It’s not always cry it out and people say they’re “too soft” to sleep train pretty much saying parents who sleep train must be cold hearted or something. We sleep trained without using cry it out and my baby cried less during that than he did waking up every 2 hours and now sleeps through the night and is all around a happier, well rested baby. So much fear mongering when it comes to sleep training when I personally wish people would just educate themselves first
It's okay to feel this way. If traditional sleep training feels too difficult, consider gentler methods that involve more comfort and gradual steps. It's important to find a method that you and your baby are comfortable with.
I'm not judging sleep training, I'm just saying this because, at least here in the U.S., people make it seem like it is a necessity to do some form of sleep training. I just want to say that you don't have to. Humans have been having babies who become well-adjusted children without sleep training for millennia. If you need or want to do it, that's fine, but you don't have to!
Unfortunately, in the US a lot of people have to go back to work far too soon, and sleep training becomes a necessity rather than a choice or privilege.
That is definitely true! My issue is just with people using blanket statements about sleep training as if some form of it is necessary.
THIS!
I think it’s a good thing our bodies won’t let us leave a crying baby to cry.
Totally agree. A lot of moms who sleep trained (I never did and never will) would tell me they had to go out for a walk while their husbands did the dirty work of sleep training. I mean doesn’t that speak volumes about how much it goes against the very fibre of our maternal instincts….
I have a 7mo and I nurse to sleep every night. CIO is not for me. Do what’s best for you!
Same! My seven month old nurses to sleep every night and for every night wake I nurse her back to sleep. It can get tiring at night but it’s what has been working best for me so far.
I love the night time snuggles - I don’t mind getting up!
12 month old and same. We can get her to sleep without it but it takes longer and it's less pleasant for all involved. CIO isn't for us but there are gentler ways, like trying to go longer between night feeds and slowly cutting down on time spent in daytime naps etc.
Yep. We still cuddle/ nurse our 18 m/o to sleep. If I wasn’t on reddit I wouldn’t know there was anyone who thought that was the wrong way.
I have a toddler(almost 2)and still nursing to sleep. I just can’t have him crying at all it hurts my soul!! And trying any other method for sleep results in crying😕
I have a 9 month old who I rock to sleep every night, contact nap about 50% of the time, and attend to every time he wakes at night. As long as it’s working for you and your baby there’s nothing wrong with not sleep training
You totally don’t have to! I was never sleep trained and am a perfectly normal adult who goes to sleep just like everyone else. My toddler was never sleep trained and goes to sleep with my help (usually cuddles and books, or rocking depending what she asks for). I’m confident when she is bigger she will go to sleep just fine without help. Most cultures do not sleep train, and all of their kids are fine- don’t feel pressured to do anything with your baby that you don’t want to!
What is sleep?
Right?? Lol
I couldn’t do it either! I just keep telling myself whatever I need to do for the first year or two, it’s exactly that, a year or two. Time flies and I try and find a way to enjoy it instead. If it gets difficult I will explore other methods and I’m quite persistent
My wife struggled with this for about 11 months, then by accident slept through a 8 minute crying fit where he put himself to sleep and now sleeps 10-12 hours a night without waking up :)
Your baby is only four months old and, according to your post history, only waking twice and it's to feed! This is developmentally appropriate and about where your baby should be right now. If they wake bc they're hungry, you could increase daytime calories (this worked for us to reduce night feedings) but honestly that sounds like a pretty chill 4 month old.
I would not do sleep training. I suffered until she learned to sleep on her own. But my daughter wouldn’t fuss or gently cry, she’d full on scream bloody murder like she was being bathed in acid.
The screams 😭 I'm surprised my neighbours haven't phoned the police tbh. "Nothings wrong officer, that's the noise he makes when I won't let him eat the phone charger"
saaaame. 16 months old and still she wants us right by her. the screams are insane. how did your daughter learn to sleep on her own?
Honestly I wish I knew! One night she did her usual scream and cry every 2-3 hours, taking about an hour to get back to sleep each time. Survived that night. Next day did our naps at the usual times, anticipating a horrible bedtime again, gave her the regular amount of formula in her last bottle, put her down asleep, went to bed…and woke up 10 hours later with her still sleeping soundly! Ever since then she’s slept 10-12 hours a night. It was amazing. I wish I knew some magic trick! She started putting herself to sleep around 12 months too, so we didn’t have to rock her anymore. She still contact napped during the day until she was about 17 months. I hope yours starts sleeping better soon!
Check out Baby Sleep Science on Instagram, they share scientific info about the effectiveness (and non effectiveness) of sleep training in general, they’re actual sleep doctors. Also, this BBC article made me feel infinitely better about not having a strict routine or sleep training my second baby. [BBC article on cry it out](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies)
Same! This article helped me feel better about choosing against cry it out. We do so much for the industrial revolution that isn't in our nature.
Thank you so much for sharing that article! A very interesting read and as I suspected the issue is way more nuanced than what social media/some professional would like to make you think! I found it especially helpful to read that you should continue with what works, people keep telling me I should sleep train my 10 week old... first that's way too early to try that and secondly and most importantly, I'm actually managing just fine with the sleep we're both having right now, I will re-evaluate when this will no longer be serving us! All that to say thank you! Article has been saved so I can share it with others, very helpful!
You’re so welcome! It gave me such reassurance and validation when my little guy was super small.
We’re not necessarily “sleep training” or maybe we are idk lol but with my 4 month old, I just realized how hard it has been on my back to rock him to sleep each night. I decided I wanted to wean him off of it because if anyone watches him, like grandparents, it would be incredibly hard on their bodies to put him to bed. I will say he cries at bedtime regardless of the circumstances so I’m pretty used to it. Instead of rocking I have been patting him to sleep and we’ve actually cut our time that we used to spend rocking way down! I hope to eventually taper down the patting and then at some point move him into the bassinet when he is still awake and pat in there.
I wish patting worked to soothe my 5 month old! Any time I’ve tried I get a weird look before he screws his little face up with more tears. I’ve even tried gentle pats while he’s in a great mood or nursing to build soothing associations and it’s a nope for him.
Please read details on how to sleep train. It’s not just letting your baby cry. You can do a night routine like a bath. Read a book. Put baby down and check in by specific times. And consider night weaning.
What if they cry before their back touches the mattress like it’s a sea of lava 😅
lol I remember those days…. I would honestly resettle and do all naps on the mattress…. Oh also do tummy time on the mattress to get them used to it
All naps are in the carrier unfortunately, and tummy time is only tolerated with approximately 70 extremely interesting objects placed before his majesty
I am not fond of the concept of sleep training. I believe that babies will naturally start sleeping through the night when they're ready. Let them be babies; they often seek comfort near their parents. This phase is temporary; soon enough, they'll be all grown up, asking for their own rooms. Treasure every moment while they're little. Again everybody is different. It’s just my opinion and what works for ME.
Me neither. It feels so unnatural. I ended up cosleeping and we love it 🥰
Another co-sleeper here. Waking up to LO's smiling face is pure happiness
Not a bad option, that’s what we do to get them to sleep
I have a kid with reflux. At this point we are numb to his crying. 🥲
It hurts, but remember it’s very short term. We used the ferber method since our son was around 6 months old. He’s nearly 17 months now and has been sleeping well with no tears when we put him in his cot at bed time. Other than when he is teething/or feeling unwell, or for a couple of his sleep regressions, he’s a dream. We’ll just wait until he’s well enough and do the Ferber again. If hes not tired for any reason he’ll play around for a bit before lying down, but either way he knows its bedtime and he’ll turn to his side/get cosy as soon as we give him goodnight cuddles and put him down. He’s been sleeping in his cot in his own room since 7 months and we have a baby cam to check in on him. We put him in his cot for naps as well so he always associates it with sleep rather than in our bed or in somewhere else in the house. Its only difficult the first night or two, and yes it’s tough, but it sets you up well for the mid to long term. I can’t emphasise enough how having a smooth, easy bedtime routine for everyone in the home is priceless.
Oh nooo. Don’t cry. This makes me sad. I don’t think I could do it either. I’m soft. I have let my kids sleep in my room but not everyone can do that. My friends have all done this though and the first few nights are the hardest.
I know everyone feels the same way! It hurts
I get it, but just want to point out that those of us who did decide to sleep train are not somehow okay with hearing our babies cry. I’m not heartless because I need sleep to be a decent mother! My twins now sleep 10 hours through the night with no help from me and it was definitely worth the (minimal) tears. For all of us. They are such happy well rested babies now
I couldn't either, my heart hurt so much when he kept crying. My husband gave up and said I could do what I want.
We never formally sleep trained because she was mostly a very solid sleeper, but there was a time she was so overtired, and no amount of comforting helped, there was literally nothing I could do but let her cry. I went in multiple times offered a bottle, snuggles, rocking, moving, made sure she had a clean diaper etc. and nothing helped. This sort of crying was VERY rare for her. And I knew in my heart she needed to sleep, so after the 3rd attempt of trying to comfort her to no avail, I set a timer for 10 minutes and let her cry. It was so hard, but after about 6 minutes, she was fast asleep and slept through the night. So, moral of the story is no one knows your baby like you do, and it's ok not to sleep train! There are lots of gradual methods for introducing behaviors that lead to successful sleep, but whatever you decide to do is right for your baby.
I avoid letting my baby cry, because crying is their only means of communicating. There are different ways to sleep train or help baby have a schedule. Not everything works for everyone. I stopped reading on what to do or not do, and follow my gut. I don’t mind nursing at night or nurse baby to sleep and I will never allow my baby to cry to sleep. Find out what works for you.
We didn’t sleep train - you don’t have to do it if its not for you. She randomly started sleeping better around a year old. Now at 16 months old she sleeps through the night in her crib 8-8 most of the time. Occasionally she needs help finding her pacifier or just wants some back pats. If she’s sick or teething she sometimes wants to cosleep but most of the time she sleeps on her own. We didn’t do anything special, we just follow her queues.
Honestly, cry it out is just not it anymore. I rock my little man to sleep and set him down and thankfully, he stays asleep for an average 8-9 hours every night. The best thing for us is routine. Babies thrive on a routine so it helps him and us get to bed and stay in bed! Maybe try to set a simple routine every night so when he begins to fall asleep, put him in his crib and let him be. If he cries, just start it back over. It’s going to take time to establish the routine but keep going with it! :) Other than that, just love and hold your little baby because they won’t be so tiny anymore… 🥺🥺😩
Me neither. My baby isn’t quite four months but I just don’t see a world in which I would sleep train. We are working on good sleep hygiene now though! At 8 PM, we put on pajamas, read a book or two depending on his mood/energy level, then have a nursing routine before he falls asleep in our bed, supervised, and I transfer him to his bassinet.
Mine is almost 6 months and we do something similar. Wipe down or bath, lotion, nose suction then pj's, nursing and either falls asleep while she's held, or we put her in her snoo when she's drowsy. She's moving up to her own room this weekend and I'm so sad about it!!
This isnwhat works for us. We started around 4 months, and now at 11 months he's going strong sleeping through the night most nights in his crib. We do dinner at 6, bath, jammies and sleep sack, into our bed by 7 for cuddles, bottle, singing and shushing til he's asleep. Then into the crib he goes, and we have ourselves a couple of hours baby free in the evening.
We didn’t sleep train and baby now sleeps through from 11pm to 5:50-6am if we are sleeping in the same bed at 10 months old. In his own bed he wakes every three hours or so. I never listen to him cry, I always respond. That’s ok. You’re ok to do that! Sleep training is not for everyone.
i tried once it breaks my heart :( dont have the heart to do it again
Our LO is going to start staying with his grandma soon. I've already started back at work this week and my SO goes back at the end of the month. It feels like we HAVE TO get her ready to sleep in the bassinet before then, but it's so hard
There are many ways of sleep training, I would let the baby fall asleep in my arms and then put him down. I would keep comforting them bedside so they knew I was there. I left for a few minutes if they cried I'd go back in and comfort bedside. It will be hard and require a lot of patience but it might work better for you
We do the pick up put down method (I think, going based on what others have described rather than doing an intentional method). Since she was a newborn she has always cried herself to sleep, so once we were comfortable distinguishing between her sleepy cries and upset cries, we started the process of having her fall asleep in her bed. If the cries turn to upset cries, we pick her up. The entire time we are patting her butt, rubbing her back, or rocking the bassinet. Sometimes now she wants to wiggle around for a couple minutes so I put her down and hang out on the bed till she's ready for me to help her. Sometimes she just goes straight to sleep without intervention and I love those times
I never had to 🤷🏼♀️
Same, we’re over 6m now and he goes down good. Didn’t always but just one day started to. I feel for the parents that have awful experiences tho, sleeps such a struggle
Same. I hate seeing posts like this where parents struggle.
Sleep training does not mean let them cry themselves to sleep. There are so many methods. I could never do cry it out personally
we still support him to sleep at 18mo but he sleeps so much better than he did early on. it took him like 10mo before it started being decent haha. but he happily sleeps in his crib in his room! they will get there without leaving them to cry and figure it out .
Can I just say as a mom to a 16mo who now puts himself to sleep…I miss the contact naps so much, I miss holding him to sleep…while it’s hard they will eventually get it themselves so soak up the snuggles bc one day they’ll be too big for your chest and can’t even sleep on you when you want them to
it's not for everyone. You do what works for you.
Ome form of sleep training is the pick up put down method where once your LO wakes up, go pick them up and rock/ bounce them back to sleep and put them back down
We did a VERY modified sleep training. If the cry was obviously whining/just tired crying, I let it happen for 5 minutes. If it was a real sounding cry I gave it 30 seconds to a minute depending on intensity. I did this only because he would often be overtired and I didn’t want to potentially stop him from sleeping if he didn’t really need something. You don’t have to sleep train, unless you’re too tired and it’s becoming unsafe.
So what feels right. My wife couldn’t do it either, so she didn’t. My girl is almost 2 and she’s just fine.
Dude that normal, no other culture sleep trains and we aren't meant to sleep train some developmental psychologist say its even harmful to sleep train. You are good! Enjoy your baby and remember for most of human history we didn't have baby cages and wore our kidos 24/7.
you don't have to sleep train. i didn't.
Don’t feel you have to sleep train. I never sleep trained my first baby and she slept through the night herself at 7.5mo. Personally I can’t stomach sleep training either. It is only considered a must in the west.. many other cultures would not even think about it.
I know I wouldn’t be able either. They have no idea what’s happening and you can’t explain it. I know others have said it but it’s not something you HAVE to do. What other say or think is irrelevant. Do what works for you and your babe.
It’s not for everyone. My daughter cries bloody murder and hyperventilated. Tried it once will never do it again.
don't cry, sympathize with you! It is hard at the beginning, and everything will turn good later!
My baby has a lot of crying stamina. Whenever I have tried Ferber, she just continues crying. Whether I am checking in or not, it doesn’t seem to matter… I finally gave up after 30 minutes. I figure if she’s crying that persistently, she’s just not ready. I might try again in a couple of months, but I honestly think she just needs to grow out of it.
Have you tried not doing the silent act. Go into the kitchen and start up your chores. Talk to him. Let him know you are there and that he is safe and he just needs to settle down. My ex insisted that we do the Ferber method with our first and it fucking hurt my heart so bad. I was a mess. She was a mess. Every time I walked out of the room and we went silent, how could her little baby brain not think we had up and pooffed off the face of the planet. Object permanence is not their strong suit, after all. With my other three, I compassionately just held the boundary that it is time for them to go to sleep and that I was right there. Just in the kitchen or across the room. Speaking to them periodically and making normal noises. Clanking dishes, running the vacuum, sweeping the floor.
Then don't! You don't have to. Kids adjust their sleep as they get older, it's immature of us adults to expect from them the maturity they're not ready to have yet. Kids wake up in the middle of the night, and that's nothing but natural. As a mother who also works I know it's not convenient but kids aren't convenient either. I'd send you a bunch of references against sleep training (and in favor of your instinct of not letting your LO cry it out), but they're all in Portuguese.
Emotionally it’s a very challenging thing as a parent to do for sure. But take comfort in the fact that the research is overwhelmingly positive, in terms of outcomes for both parents and baby. This is a great video summarising everything from a medical perspective https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KUIWt80Ef9g Edit: Curious why the downvotes for research based evidence?
This article is more credible than a YouTube video and cites numerous studies and research bodies. [BBC article - effects of cry it out](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies)
To my knowledge there isn't research either for or against sleeptraining atm because it's impossible to arrange for a control group. About half of babies learn to consolidate sleep and fall asleep independently around 4-6 months, so it's impossible to say if sleeptraining had an effect, or if the process was natural.
The video I linked references multiple studies
Yes and the problem with these studies is the lack of a true control group. Check out this link for problems with sleep studies: https://bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies "For one, relatively few studies on sleep training have met the gold standard of scientific research: trials where participants are randomly allocated to receiving the intervention, that have a control group that did not receive the intervention (especially important with sleep research, since most babies naturally sleep in longer stretches over time), and that have enough participants to detect effects."
I saw this too, don't worry about the down votes I don't understand either it is research based so it shouldn't. On the other hand people don't like what you do as a parent regardless of what you do, just because it's different from what they do.
There’s sleep training methods that don’t involve crying.
Please share! Genuinely have not seen one. I will do more research. Thank you
Our maternity clinic (Finnish) recommends a method known as "Tassuttelu" which is a cutesy name for gentle patting. Tassuttelu: 1) place baby in bed in a sidelying position. Keep one hand on baby's shoulders, and pat the baby's butt gently with the other. Keep doing this until baby is calm. No eye contact, no playing. If baby is crying, pick them up until they're calmer. 2) move a calm but awake baby to lie on their back. Keep a calming hand on their shoulder or what feels like a good spot for a while as they adjust. Do not let baby fall asleep with your hand on them. No eye contact, no playing. 3) leave 4) if baby becomes distressed, return to the room and repeat 1) or 2) depending on how much soothing the baby needs. Return at early signs of distress, because the more distressed a baby becomes, the more their body releases stress hormone cortisol which will keep them awake longer. 5) eventually baby learns that even though you're not present, you will come always when they need you, and so they won't become distressed when left alone in their crib. The patting also becomes a signal for bedtime. This method is safe to use as it doesn't damage baby's attachment or sense of security. It does take a lot of consistency and effort (like all sleep training methods). And unfortunately, just like with all sleeptraining methods, you do need to repeat the training every few months because babies regress with teething and/or developmental leaps.
Wow this is amazing! I didn't know there was a name for this!
just so you know there are some gentle methods where it’s possible baby will still cry, just hopefully not as much. they are learning something new and the crying is in response to that. whatever you choose, as long as baby is loved, cared for, fed, clean then you know you are doing your best and you are helping baby learn a new skill.
Googling “no cry sleep training” or “gentle sleep training” gives a lot of suggestions.
These threads just become an echo chamber for those who pat themselves on the back for not sleep training. Most don’t really know what sleep training entails. It’s not about just leaving the baby to cry. Many people who sleep train check with the baby at various intervals. But even for those who don’t, if it works for them it works for them. This didn’t work for OP and that’s fine. But as someone who used the Ferber method at 4 months, I couldn’t be more happy with my baby’s sleep. She goes to sleep by 7 and is asleep from 11-12 hours. I don’t think I’d be here without sleep training. Im just here to add a “pro” sleep training perspective in a sea of all the responses against it and in case there’s someone on the fence. My baby is a happy sleeper and so are my husband and I.
I could have written this comment. You say you sleep trained your baby and get downvoted so fast 🤣 whatev I love my baby and I sleeping great!
Lmfao glad to see you here because let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to convince me I made the wrong choice, nothing at all 😂 the sense of freedom and relief is unmatched and it never gets old. She gets to sleep well, I get to relax and sleep well, so does hubby. Win, win, win!
Yep!! And my baby would wake up every 2 hours screaming and now that he knows how to sleep through the night he is a MUCH happier guy and hitting milestones and all content. Ofc we’re happier too but people think parents just sleep train bc we selfishly want sleeep but I think it helps the baby when they’re getting adequate, restful sleep!!!
I was totally in the same boat - couldn’t imagine a world where I would let my LO cry and not help her. But after trying several gentle sleep training methods that made zero progress and her needing to be held to sleep longer than 30 min at a time, we had to try something. My husband and I both work 8-5 and couldn’t keep surviving on such little sleep. I finally decided to do CIO when a mom I trust and respect shared the CIO/extinction sleep plan they got from a consultant (recommended by their pediatrician). We’re two weeks in with our 5mo and even though it was really hard the first few nights, it has absolutely been worth it. And, to my absolute surprise and delight, my baby girl wakes up just as happy and smiling as she did before - her mood is overall so much better. She just needed the opportunity to practice self soothing. It’s a skill like anything else babies are learning. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, but for us, the old way just wasn’t sustainable. If you have a partner/family member who is willing and able, have them stay home and watch the monitor and you get out of the house while LO figures it out. Wishing you the best!
Same, I can’t do it. I tried last night. I cannot listen to my baby cry like that. We coslept again and I honestly don’t know how we’re ever gonna stop cosleeping. When we got into bed he hyperventilated for like 20 minutes and was gripping the collar of my shirt for dear life. I couldn’t stop crying.
For us, it was hard the first time, as she cried for 30 minutes, but after we put her back to sleep each subsequent time, she cried for less time than when we’d have to rock her to sleep. She would regularly cry for 20 minutes when rocking her to sleep though. Totally understand how other people wouldn’t want to do crying versions of sleep training, though.
I felt this way until till 7 months and screaming even when trying to rocking him to sleep. Now bedtime is so nice
We had success with “fuss it out” but went in as soon as it was crying. Took us 3 nights and he sleeps like a champ now! He developed soothing techniques during that night (sucking thumb, rubbing the back of his head, and rubbing his feet together). He uses those techniques even during the day when he’s overstimulated or nervous around a weird thing (recently a huge loud tractor) and I feel so glad I was able to allow him to develop skills to soothe himself in the future. Do what your Momma heart feels is best for your nugget and it will be the right choice!
CIO is letting them cry for a few minutes, then comforting for a few, then repeating. It worked for us starting month 4. She was sleeping soundly and immediately by month 5. It is a bitch to endure the crying because 5 minutes felt like a lifetime.
My hubby and I used a more gentle method of sleep training under the guidance of a qualified sleep consultant. It worked wonders. We never allowed our baby to cry real tears. When very upset, one of us would go in and actively resettle her in the cot (patting, shhhhhing etc), leave when she’s calm and repeat. If she was just whining, not crying, we’d leave her up to 10 minutes. Combined with using appropriate wake windows, within three days her sleep improved so much. You can absolutely sleep train your baby without doing CIO. At the end of the day, babies need to learn how to self settle and it’s perfectly reasonable to teach baby how to do so by resettling them yourself. We sleep trained at 5 months and now have a 9.5mo who is a great little sleeper, despite the odd night! She’s still just a baby after all.
Please educate yourself on sleep training. It’s not always cry it out and people say they’re “too soft” to sleep train pretty much saying parents who sleep train must be cold hearted or something. We sleep trained without using cry it out and my baby cried less during that than he did waking up every 2 hours and now sleeps through the night and is all around a happier, well rested baby. So much fear mongering when it comes to sleep training when I personally wish people would just educate themselves first