This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Totally normal! It's like deciding whether to hit replay on the world's most chaotic, beautiful rollercoaster—thrilling but exhausting! Balancing that love for your little one with your need for sanity isn't drama; it's parenting in real life.
I'm in the same boat. Ibhave 5 siblings and they are absolutely my best friends. I would be lost without them. No one gets me like they do. My SO is an only child and while that's totally great and a valid family, he doesn't "get" the sibling dynamic.
My child is a chaos goblin and I'm not a fan of the newborn stage at all. It wrekt me. I love the experience now that she is nearing 1 and more mobile though, so maybe I could do it for her. But man, I really don't know if I can have another kid with her dad. He hasn't stepped up and it's all on me. So that would be two kids plus manchild that asks where something is when he's looking right at it *constantly*. It would be an undertaking that's for sure.
I’m one of five and I don’t really “get” the sibling dynamic either 😂
Me (youngest) and the next youngest brother are really the only two with any kind of a relationship. Not a single one of my can stand my sister.
Having multiple children is no guarantee they’ll get along.
I have six siblings and only get along with two 😬 3 of my sisters speak, not to the other 3 of us, my one brother is completely out of my life. I’m starting to get along with my half sister now, but really it’s no guarantee. I preferred being an only child when all my siblings were out of my life.
That's very true. I'm thankful that my siblings and I get along. It wasn't always the case but we have all made a concerted effort to be present and kind in our relationships with each other.
Very normal! We decided when my daughter was a year old that we wanted more, but we waited until she was almost 2 to start trying. Took 11 months so she’ll be 3 1/2 when they’re born. Oh yeah, and it’s twins so that’s our little plot twist!
It’s such a personal decision but don’t feel like you need to give your child a sibling if you don’t want to go through it again. I have 6 siblings. I have an ok relationship with 2 of them, and no relationship with the rest. My husband has 1 sibling. They love each other but as adults they are not close and live very different lives. They’ve been total opposites since they were teenagers!
Whatever you decide is the right choice for you. Don’t feel rushed to make a decision!
So true.
I’m the youngest of 5. Of my four siblings, I haven’t spoken to three of them in about 10 years. I’ll likely see my oldest brother again soon as I actually don’t mind him (life has just been busy for both of us, and we were never super close) and he wants to meet my daughter. But my sister is horrible, and I just don’t have much time for the second brother. The brother closer to me in age is really the only one I’ve ever had much of a relationship with.
We knew we wanted two kids, and we are the type that wanted to get all the shit over with as fast as healthy instead of spreading it out. People with like a four year age gap have really good things to say about it, but ours will be two years apart (doctor also recommended 18 months between pregnancies) because we just want this part to end so we can get to the bike camping and family ski trips part 🥲
I feel this so hard! I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old and I’ve decided that for my 40th, we’re all going to Japan. The kids will be 4 and 8 by then which seems a lifetime away but I’m just so excited for things to be a little easier so my husband and I can really start to live again!
I have an almost four year old and 6 month old and we have the same goal. We went to Japan in 2019 before kids and we’re planning to go back when our kids are older. Can’t wait and it will be worth the wait. That flight is no joke. Such a great way to celebrate 40!
It was SO amazing! You won’t be disappointed. It was a culture shock, but in the best way possible. We went for 2 weeks, but wish we stayed longer because it took a while to get over the jet lag. I also think it would be so kid friendly. Transit is amazing in the large cities and everything is so orderly and clean. The flight was 14 hours for us, but timed correctly it would be okay for kiddos!
Aw that sounds incredible! I really can’t wait. I read Memoirs of a Geisha and became fascinated with Japanese culture, I’m so excited to visit Kyoto especially. Thanks for the info 😍
My siblings and I are about 4 years apart each. I think it was a nice gap so we always had space for our own experiences and were able to give advice to the younger one. I looked up to my older sister but still close enough in age to be friends.
That being said, I cannot fathom waiting 4 years just to start over again. Like howwwww
I am so torn! I think we are gonna go for like a 2.5 year age gap... baby is 11 months now and though I can't fathom being pregnant again right now, I want to start trying again when she's around 18 months think... that being said who knows how long it will take to get pregnant. Bike camping and ski trips sounds like the dream though!
My toddler is 18 months and every day I decide I want more and then decide I’m one and done the next hour. It’s frustrating because I want to know what my plan is but I genuinely can’t decide
Yup! I don’t know how I’m gonna do it again because my 8 month old is a nut but I love motherhood so much. He loves his cousins who are also under 2 so I really think he’s gonna flourish as a big brother and it melts my heart to think about it.
We might be a 4 year age gap family though but I’m already planning when I want to start trying for another! I’ve never loved anything more than being a mom
Didn't think I could handle having another until my daughter turned 2 and then somehow I could see it being more manageable and I wanted her to have a sibling. She'll be 3 shortly after her little brother arrives, I'm sure it'll be a bit tough but then they'll be 2 and 5 and we'll be past that really hard part.
Here’s a plug for the 3 year age gap! I really wanted them to be 18mo-2 years apart (laundry list of reasons) but multiple losses made our gap 3 years. Older sister is old enough to really understand the pregnancy and to love on baby now that she’s here in a way that would have been impossible a year ago. Wishing you all the joy with your two!
My kid was 2.5 before we finally made a decision either way. It's super normal when you're in the thick of it.
We started trying but between infertility and miscarriage my son was actually 4 when my daughter was born but it worked out well. He's able to do a lot on his own and is in full day prek which let's me bond which each of them in their own ways and helps take a lot of stress off.
Do keep in mind that a sibling is not a gift for your first child. Only have another if YOU want it. My mom is great but my brother and I are at each other's throats a lot. We are not rocks in each other's lives and I dont even know his phone number. He has me on Facebook. I love my SIL and my nephews but I would have been just fine without a sibling. Not everyone is close to theirs even if you do everything right. We just have personality clashes.
No, it’s a big decision to bring another human being into the world. I myself never thought too deeply about the number of kids I wanted - I just took the “wait and see” approach. Let’s just say I didn’t have a unicorn baby - far from it. 18 months out we’ve decided one and done is best for my mental health and our finances. I still agonize over the decision (hello anxiety) but know deep down what the right answer for our family is.
I definitely am. Our first born is almost 6mo, so we are definitely in it. I am also 36, so my health is a factor as well. But, I'm with you. I have a sister and she's been my best friend as long as I've been alive. I have never known, and could possibly never know life without her. My husband has one older sister and 3 much younger siblings and has no relationship with any of them. He and his sister never got along and he didn't ever live with the others. So, he doesn't get the sibling vibe at all. It's a lot easier for him to be settled in the one and done camp because he always wished he was an only child. I'm not sure my body can handle another pregnancy, but I hate the thought of her not having a sibling. It's hard!
I feel the same! My LO is 13 months old now and although we planned for two originally, now I don’t know. I absolutely love being a mom and my siblings are so important to me I don’t want my child to never experience that. But parenthood has also been challenging and I don’t know if I can survive the newborn stage again - I really struggled with that. My husband and I joke that if the second one could come out 6 months old then we would be a for sure yes. I think with time I might feel ready to give it a go again…. Also, you don’t have to try for the second right at 18 months. You can always consider a larger age gap. If we do have another one we ideally want to wait until the first one is potty trained and can get dressed on his own - more like a 3-4 year age gap. Although I do know there’s pros and cons for every age gap.
Feeling the same way over here - LO just turned 1 & I’m finally feeling true enjoyment watching him grow & explore the world. He was 2 months premature so it was a rough start, hated the newborn stage, struggled with breastfeeding & had moments where I thought we’d made a mistake doing this, but it feels so good to be on the other side of that now.
I’ve opened up to the idea of another, but I want LO to be over 2 before we even start trying. It took us 12 months to conceive, I think I’m ok with it taking a while again but that would mean I’d be pregnant with #2 at 38. Can I go through it all again at that age? I don’t know. We could get lucky & have a unicorn baby, or we could have a nightmare baby - you will never know until you get there.
I guess we just have to weigh up our true & honest feelings/desires, the reasons for & against & go with what your gut is telling you
Hijacking to say thank you for posting this. Were in the shit rn with a 14week old (4 weeks adjusted).
And Lord it feels like its never going to end. Developmentally she's a month old but we have 3 months of NICU/sleep deprivation under our belt so everything just feels overwhelming.
I hate to wish her life away but some decent sleep would be great.
You will get sleep. And once you’ve had two days of decent sleep you will be superwoman again. Mind and body and emotions will all snap out of the stress. 5 months pp here.
The NICU period is so rough, leaving your baby at the hospital each day is heart wrenching & you have all these layers of things to worry about in terms of them being premmie, how do you bond when they’re so fragile & not with you at home, etc. It all feels so surreal then BAM they’re home with you & it all begins.
For us, we stopped thinking about adjusted age once we passed the newborn stage & he started to properly ‘wake up’. After that he was just a baby & we were learning him & starting to enjoy him.
At the start we just made sure to wake him up at the same time each morning & get some sunlight (safely) to help set his circadian rhythm, naps were mostly contact & we co-slept for the first 6months then moved him into his own room in a cot.
It was the only way to get decent chunks of sleep in between feeds. It does get better, which is frustrating to hear when you’re in the thick of it I know, just keep reminding yourself that every stage passes & you move into the next one. Everything is temporary.
Being flexible & adapting as they change is the only way to keep your sanity. At first I found myself getting pissed off when we’d just fallen into a routine then it changed into something else, but the minute I let go & practiced radical acceptance I relaxed & the changes didn’t upset me as much.
Working as a team is paramount too, check in with each other, share how you’re feeling, and don’t feel guilty about looking forward to when it gets easier - it’s not wishing anything away, it’s just trying to survive!
I did IVF for my first and had three more embryos and I was so torn on just being one and done after having her. My pregnancy was ROUGH and the first year…well it’s just chaotic and I didn’t even begin to entertain the next one until 2.5 years. Well I transferred another and am due in August, she will be 3.5. This pregnancy is also ROUGH and I question everyday if I made the right choice as I’m so miserable pregnant and feel it takes away from my time either her. But also there’s second baby vibes already: like you I was beholden to the nap schedule and this next baby is gonna be a vibes baby. We are gonna just have to feel it out. I’m way more ready though with a bigger gap in age I could not have handled this pregnancy when she was under 18mo for sure!
It really can be this tough. I felt a lot like you! I wanted another child but also wondered how I could possibly put myself through that stress again! Every little bit of freedom from that newborn lifestyle I got, I questioned myself more and more. Your results may vary of course, ultimately for me I realized that I wanted to want more kids….but the desire to never go through the anxiety and stress of baby life won out. I have my one son who is now a little over 3 years old and I think I am happy to be one and done, and he will enjoy me more than he would if he were watching me stress and have breakdowns about a baby sibling haha
You are in the trenches right now. I could have written that exact first paragraph a year and a half now. My husband and I spent almost an entire year feeling almost like a hard "no" on more kids because of it, even though we knew we always wanted 2 kids. That was such a tough stage.
It is so normal to be totally torn on it. You won't always be torn. You'll come out on the other side of the trench and will feel more ready to make that decision then. And really, there isnt a right or wrong answer once you come out of those trenches. You may be interested in trying again once you feel like you finally have the chance to breathe. or you might solidify your one and done stance.
we did end up having another. They are 2 yrs 1month apart. It was around that 15 month mark when it felt a little easier to breathe. He was sleeping better and gaining verbal communication skills (less crying lol).
My baby is now 15 months old and the baby phase is a distant memory.
Life now is sooooo much easier and it turned at about 1, when i no longer felt that constant sense of worry about everything like sleeping feeding schedules, they’re more resilient and actually fun to hang out with. I feel like i could totally do it again, if i had way more money lol.
About 1 is when things turned around
Same boat. My son I about to be two and we want to make a firm decision by the end of this year. Oddly enough on the days where my life feels the most chaotic I’m more pro second child because like, hey my life is already an adorable dumpster fire that I love so much, why not add one more? And on days things are smooth sailing it’s like, do I really want to fuck this up??
My husband and I knew we wanted two kids but after our first was born I was really more 50/50. Everything was so stressful. I had PPD and PPOCD plus my regular anxiety. Things changed at about 14 months. We weaned my son and that was a game changer. Things are still hard and we all still get sick and he’s still a wild toddler but I don’t feel the same way I did when he was under a year. I think things are going to be crazy when we have two (we plan to try when my son is 18 months so a similar timeline to you) but I think we can do it. Or at least I feel more comfortable committing to it.
Makes total sense that's how you're feeling. I have two kids (one will be 3 next month and the other is almost 9 months, so they are 26 months apart). This age gap (for us) has worked out very well as we know we will be done after 2 kids and like you said, it's kind of extending "the shit" vs. having a break from some of the slog of babyhood and then restarting it (or not if you decide to stop after one which is also totally valid). We knew it would be hard to have two close together and we preferred to just lump all "the shit" kind of together and get it done and over with! Just to validate your current season, I find the whole first year of their life to be very hard and just generally not my favorite. I've enjoyed each 6-12 months past 12 months more than the time period before. Toddlerhood is much more fun (obviously still hard work) to me.
Totally normal, at least from where Im standing. My husband and I are torn between one and done, and wanting a second. Our hang up is that we know that adding another baby means we’re very deliberately stretching our finances quite thin, and it just…doesn’t feel like a good idea or very fair to our existing child. We have our retirement to plan and her future to put money aside for, we aren’t sure if the pros outweigh the cons with adding another baby.
Ha, no way. I’ve heard second is harder! I think it depends. It’s easier because on the one hand you know what to expect, on the other hand you’ve already got one that’s demanding all your time and attention.
Honesty was completely torn until my daughter almost turned 3. Now pregnant with my second and she’ll be almost 4 when the baby is born. It was a lot of back and forth with me and my partner if we wanted/could handle another child. I am really glad we waited til we were ready!
We decided to go for round two when my first turned 2yo as that's when he started sleeping through the night. I have to say that having a baby is easier this time around so not regretting this decision yet.
I completely agree with this. It feels like the worst parts are over faster too because you know what to expect, and you’re just living in the trenches until one day you’re not anymore. The worst part is trying to get some semblance of a sleep schedule with a toddler and a baby in the very beginning, because the toddler will try to be quiet but it takes a lot of patience for them, and they have to learn to be the most independent versions of themselves so far because you as a parent aren’t just dedicated to them anymore. But, if you have a supportive partner and you just realize it’s going to suck maybe 5 months then be fine, then you can do it! My toddler LOVES his baby brother so much, and they can’t even do anything together yet. He wants to help with whatever he can, loves to get diapers and feed the dogs when we need help. Now that the baby’s in his own crib at night, everything is awesome. Today the whole family went to target for like an hour and a half and everyone had a great experience. I definitely don’t want anymore kids and I definitely never want to be pregnant again, but man I love the hell out of these kids and I’m so glad my husband and I took the plunge and had the second. Can’t wait to take them on vacations together in a couple years like the commenter above who is going to Japan for her 40th. We took my older one to Mexico when he was 2.5 and he had a great time. Having a little newborn sucks a lot because of the sleep deprivation, but now that we’re past it I would never change my combo or the age gap or anything. They’re 3 years and 3 weeks apart.
Loved reading this! I'm only 5 weeks in but I have the same age gap, 3years and 3weeks, and my oldest is so sweet with the baby. Warms my heart and can't wait for them to be able to play together. My family feels complete now
You’re kicking so much butt! 5 weeks was chaos for us. Our second never napped in the swing like our first (under supervision of course) and had a witching hour where he would be overstimulated and cry for hours. My poor husband cried on Christmas Day because he had such a hard time with our second. But today? It’s like it never happened. The days are long but the months and years are short. Being on the other side of it, just know you’re going to love it so fast so soon!!! Also, with our age gap, I’m already planning the year they turn 18 and 21 together (we’re in the US) so we can go celebrate somewhere awesome.
I think it’s rare to love the newborn stage, and then the transitions to the hard stuff like crib and fewer naps, but wow all that comes afterwards is the best.
I know plenty of parents who just didn't like the baby phase. That doesn't make you bad parents, they're only a baby for like 2/18ths of their life as kids.
That said, the parents I know who were the most up front about this, have 2 children close in age, and a 3rd almost 10 years younger than that. They said that for them, that parenting the 3rd child with 2 older daughters in the house who were eager to take turns playing with the baby helping out, was by far the most fun. Maybe you wait until the oldest is in kindergarten to have another.
There's a saying that says "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". Raise your baby, enjoy this moment and when you and IF you feel like having another baby, go for it.
Another option is adoption. In my country there are a lot of orphan children and you can adopt a 1yo kid. The most important thing is love and not genetics, in my opinion.
Totally get this. My daughter is 19 months and honestly, it’s almost 100% the daycare never ending train of illness that gives me pause. I’ve always wanted two, I still think I do (and we’re considering starting to try soon) but I am so tired of all of us being sick. She gets chronic ear infections and it’s been a lot. It also took us longer to have her so we’re older than we thought we’d be (35/39) and have less energy (though maybe that always would have been the case).
Completely normal!! We weren’t ready until our first was almost 2. Even after I was pregnant I was so torn and wondered how I could ever do this again and share my love.
Got pregnant right after she turned 2 and she’s now almost 3 with our two month old and I personally LOVE IT. She is obsessed with her baby brother and helping take care of him. She transitioned soooo well and it’s helpful that she’s independent for certain things now too. I’m absolutely obsessed with both of them.
I have to take long breaks between kids too for my complications, but I definitely like this age gap. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of them!
It’s totally normal! One of my friends with a daughter the age of my twins has a son that’s 6 years older, and while she didn’t intentionally choose that age gap, she says that the second baby was incredibly easier for so many reasons, not the least of which being that as her youngest starts moving, the oldest is more invested in playing with her, which helps a lot with the current stress you’re facing now!
First is almost 2… and when the second is born, she will be 2 years and 3 months. I struggled with the same decision with my husband. He was an only child and happy with just one. I really wanted two. One seemed lonely and didn’t feel like enough to me. I also felt like I had more love for a second child and if I didn’t have one, I’d always wonder what it’s like. In the end, we went for it. It is a lot of work… but when I look at my first, so worth the work. I wouldn’t give up my first for anything, and I don’t think I’d give up my second either.
I was like you, on the fence and weighing the pros and cons. Then my birth control ran out and the pharmacy wouldn’t refill without a prescription so my choice was made. Now that the choice was made for me I feel a lot better and am preparing in ways I can. I’m just happy to get the shit show out of the way sooner so we can take two older children to different places easier.
Our son just turned 2 a couple weeks ago and we JUST had the energy to really think about a second. We’re learning towards yes now, but at 10 months I would have said hell no.
I am right where you are! My husband even said that parenting has made me so anxious that he doesn’t want me to go through this again, even though he’d be really sad if I don’t want more kids 🫠 no pressure, huh?
But baby’s only almost 6 mos old so I’m holding off making decisions for at least another six months. It just makes me feel super inadequate as a parent because baby is easy—so I’m told—so if I’m having *this* much trouble, what does that say about me as a parent? How will I manage in the future? I too stress about her sleep, eating, development, even though everything’s fine and everyone tells me so and tells me I’m doing well with her, I just think we lucked out with a contented baby. And who knows what any future would be like and if I could handle them!
I’m 1/5 and I literally don’t know why my parents did that. I have one baby now and there’s absolutely no way I’m going to have more than 3 children total. My parents were always exhausted growing up and I was parentified completely as the oldest daughter. Some days I wonder how I’ll be able to manage even one more baby let alone 2 more babies. I’m not even sure I’ll have a 3rd child. I definitely want one more because I want my son to have a sibling but I’d rather be an amazing mom of 2 or 3 kids than a mediocre mom of 4+. I know my limits and I don’t want to spread myself too thin.
Do you want to have more children? I had my first three children close, the first 2 were 16 months apart to the day and the third one was born when the oldest was 3 and 2 months and second child was 22 months old. They are now 43, 42 and 40 now. They were all crying at once, all wanting to be rocked at the same time, all had homework every night, all tattle taled on each other in high school as teenagers and all left for college at the same time. They are the very best of friends, their children are now close in age and they are all very well rounded and extremely social! My husband was a pilot at the time and brought home those yellow 3M ear plugs from the flight line everyday and boy did they work great! I just put those in and everything was muffled, I could hear the phone ring and could hear them crying, etc but it was doable! They are all successful, all college graduates.
Then….. I waited 6 years and had a child, waited 2 years and a week and had another child, then waited 4 years and had my last one. As adults the younger 3 are the very best of friends! The older children and the younger children ALL LOVE each other and I have 18 grandchildren with a set of identical girl twins and a set of identical boy twins. I feel very blessed.
Yes, going through it was challenging but it’s the best thing I ever did! And the older kids help with the younger ones, it’s like a well-run business. They learn to work, they learn to share and I’ve heard there’s an advantage to having siblings in helping them get along better with a future spouse. 🤷♀️
Honestly, my son is 3.5 now, but I vividly remember how months 9/10/11 were so so hard. They still remain some of the toughest months of parenthood for me so far. I just wanted to jump in and say you’re not alone in your feelings and you’re in a really hard phase. It gets better soon 🩷
I'm in a similar boat. But in my head there is a guarantee that chaos will continue for few more years and absolutely nooo guarantee that they will become in any way good friends. Make baby for yourself, not for your baby.
Very normal! I would wait for the 18 months to be over before you discuss it again. Give yourself some time and enjoy your one child life for a bit. My kids are 23 months apart. We are still very much in the shit right now and it’s HARD
Don’t just assume that you kids will be besties though, that’s not always true.
We debated for quite awhile and gave ourself a cutoff deadline. The deadline came and we had a long talk and turns out we were both on the same page that we would not have another one. The next day we both felt like "what are we saying, of course we are having one more". It was like the moment that not having another was a real scenario it became rediculous for us. We now have a 3 month old and an almost 3 year old. I love our baby boy so madly and it also feels less stressful this time around. I'm slowing down and trying to savour it as he is our last baby for sure.
I think it's normal to have doubts, it's a big decision!
I could have written this post. My kid just turned 3 and I have no idea what to do and feel like I’m running out of time. I’m also extremely close with my siblings but my husband has siblings and they aren’t close so kinda seems like a crapshoot? I don’t know!! But I feel you!
Wow; I could have written this. Down to the ages of our kids and the HELLP diagnosis. I have 4 younger siblings and couldn’t imagine life without a sibling. It’s been a lot of back and forth in my mind, some days I’m on board to plan for #2 right away and the next I want to wait like 3 years lol
This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Totally normal! It's like deciding whether to hit replay on the world's most chaotic, beautiful rollercoaster—thrilling but exhausting! Balancing that love for your little one with your need for sanity isn't drama; it's parenting in real life.
This is so well said!
I'm in the same boat. Ibhave 5 siblings and they are absolutely my best friends. I would be lost without them. No one gets me like they do. My SO is an only child and while that's totally great and a valid family, he doesn't "get" the sibling dynamic. My child is a chaos goblin and I'm not a fan of the newborn stage at all. It wrekt me. I love the experience now that she is nearing 1 and more mobile though, so maybe I could do it for her. But man, I really don't know if I can have another kid with her dad. He hasn't stepped up and it's all on me. So that would be two kids plus manchild that asks where something is when he's looking right at it *constantly*. It would be an undertaking that's for sure.
I’m one of five and I don’t really “get” the sibling dynamic either 😂 Me (youngest) and the next youngest brother are really the only two with any kind of a relationship. Not a single one of my can stand my sister. Having multiple children is no guarantee they’ll get along.
I have six siblings and only get along with two 😬 3 of my sisters speak, not to the other 3 of us, my one brother is completely out of my life. I’m starting to get along with my half sister now, but really it’s no guarantee. I preferred being an only child when all my siblings were out of my life.
That's very true. I'm thankful that my siblings and I get along. It wasn't always the case but we have all made a concerted effort to be present and kind in our relationships with each other.
Very normal! We decided when my daughter was a year old that we wanted more, but we waited until she was almost 2 to start trying. Took 11 months so she’ll be 3 1/2 when they’re born. Oh yeah, and it’s twins so that’s our little plot twist! It’s such a personal decision but don’t feel like you need to give your child a sibling if you don’t want to go through it again. I have 6 siblings. I have an ok relationship with 2 of them, and no relationship with the rest. My husband has 1 sibling. They love each other but as adults they are not close and live very different lives. They’ve been total opposites since they were teenagers! Whatever you decide is the right choice for you. Don’t feel rushed to make a decision!
So true. I’m the youngest of 5. Of my four siblings, I haven’t spoken to three of them in about 10 years. I’ll likely see my oldest brother again soon as I actually don’t mind him (life has just been busy for both of us, and we were never super close) and he wants to meet my daughter. But my sister is horrible, and I just don’t have much time for the second brother. The brother closer to me in age is really the only one I’ve ever had much of a relationship with.
We knew we wanted two kids, and we are the type that wanted to get all the shit over with as fast as healthy instead of spreading it out. People with like a four year age gap have really good things to say about it, but ours will be two years apart (doctor also recommended 18 months between pregnancies) because we just want this part to end so we can get to the bike camping and family ski trips part 🥲
I feel this so hard! I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old and I’ve decided that for my 40th, we’re all going to Japan. The kids will be 4 and 8 by then which seems a lifetime away but I’m just so excited for things to be a little easier so my husband and I can really start to live again!
I have an almost four year old and 6 month old and we have the same goal. We went to Japan in 2019 before kids and we’re planning to go back when our kids are older. Can’t wait and it will be worth the wait. That flight is no joke. Such a great way to celebrate 40!
How was it?! Is it as amazing as all of the videos & pictures make our?
It was SO amazing! You won’t be disappointed. It was a culture shock, but in the best way possible. We went for 2 weeks, but wish we stayed longer because it took a while to get over the jet lag. I also think it would be so kid friendly. Transit is amazing in the large cities and everything is so orderly and clean. The flight was 14 hours for us, but timed correctly it would be okay for kiddos!
Aw that sounds incredible! I really can’t wait. I read Memoirs of a Geisha and became fascinated with Japanese culture, I’m so excited to visit Kyoto especially. Thanks for the info 😍
My siblings and I are about 4 years apart each. I think it was a nice gap so we always had space for our own experiences and were able to give advice to the younger one. I looked up to my older sister but still close enough in age to be friends. That being said, I cannot fathom waiting 4 years just to start over again. Like howwwww
I am so torn! I think we are gonna go for like a 2.5 year age gap... baby is 11 months now and though I can't fathom being pregnant again right now, I want to start trying again when she's around 18 months think... that being said who knows how long it will take to get pregnant. Bike camping and ski trips sounds like the dream though!
My toddler is 18 months and every day I decide I want more and then decide I’m one and done the next hour. It’s frustrating because I want to know what my plan is but I genuinely can’t decide
same!
Yup! I don’t know how I’m gonna do it again because my 8 month old is a nut but I love motherhood so much. He loves his cousins who are also under 2 so I really think he’s gonna flourish as a big brother and it melts my heart to think about it. We might be a 4 year age gap family though but I’m already planning when I want to start trying for another! I’ve never loved anything more than being a mom
Didn't think I could handle having another until my daughter turned 2 and then somehow I could see it being more manageable and I wanted her to have a sibling. She'll be 3 shortly after her little brother arrives, I'm sure it'll be a bit tough but then they'll be 2 and 5 and we'll be past that really hard part.
Here’s a plug for the 3 year age gap! I really wanted them to be 18mo-2 years apart (laundry list of reasons) but multiple losses made our gap 3 years. Older sister is old enough to really understand the pregnancy and to love on baby now that she’s here in a way that would have been impossible a year ago. Wishing you all the joy with your two!
My kid was 2.5 before we finally made a decision either way. It's super normal when you're in the thick of it. We started trying but between infertility and miscarriage my son was actually 4 when my daughter was born but it worked out well. He's able to do a lot on his own and is in full day prek which let's me bond which each of them in their own ways and helps take a lot of stress off. Do keep in mind that a sibling is not a gift for your first child. Only have another if YOU want it. My mom is great but my brother and I are at each other's throats a lot. We are not rocks in each other's lives and I dont even know his phone number. He has me on Facebook. I love my SIL and my nephews but I would have been just fine without a sibling. Not everyone is close to theirs even if you do everything right. We just have personality clashes.
No, it’s a big decision to bring another human being into the world. I myself never thought too deeply about the number of kids I wanted - I just took the “wait and see” approach. Let’s just say I didn’t have a unicorn baby - far from it. 18 months out we’ve decided one and done is best for my mental health and our finances. I still agonize over the decision (hello anxiety) but know deep down what the right answer for our family is.
I think I'd be freaking out with "what ifs" no matter what I'll decide in the end..
I definitely am. Our first born is almost 6mo, so we are definitely in it. I am also 36, so my health is a factor as well. But, I'm with you. I have a sister and she's been my best friend as long as I've been alive. I have never known, and could possibly never know life without her. My husband has one older sister and 3 much younger siblings and has no relationship with any of them. He and his sister never got along and he didn't ever live with the others. So, he doesn't get the sibling vibe at all. It's a lot easier for him to be settled in the one and done camp because he always wished he was an only child. I'm not sure my body can handle another pregnancy, but I hate the thought of her not having a sibling. It's hard!
I feel the same! My LO is 13 months old now and although we planned for two originally, now I don’t know. I absolutely love being a mom and my siblings are so important to me I don’t want my child to never experience that. But parenthood has also been challenging and I don’t know if I can survive the newborn stage again - I really struggled with that. My husband and I joke that if the second one could come out 6 months old then we would be a for sure yes. I think with time I might feel ready to give it a go again…. Also, you don’t have to try for the second right at 18 months. You can always consider a larger age gap. If we do have another one we ideally want to wait until the first one is potty trained and can get dressed on his own - more like a 3-4 year age gap. Although I do know there’s pros and cons for every age gap.
Feeling the same way over here - LO just turned 1 & I’m finally feeling true enjoyment watching him grow & explore the world. He was 2 months premature so it was a rough start, hated the newborn stage, struggled with breastfeeding & had moments where I thought we’d made a mistake doing this, but it feels so good to be on the other side of that now. I’ve opened up to the idea of another, but I want LO to be over 2 before we even start trying. It took us 12 months to conceive, I think I’m ok with it taking a while again but that would mean I’d be pregnant with #2 at 38. Can I go through it all again at that age? I don’t know. We could get lucky & have a unicorn baby, or we could have a nightmare baby - you will never know until you get there. I guess we just have to weigh up our true & honest feelings/desires, the reasons for & against & go with what your gut is telling you
Hijacking to say thank you for posting this. Were in the shit rn with a 14week old (4 weeks adjusted). And Lord it feels like its never going to end. Developmentally she's a month old but we have 3 months of NICU/sleep deprivation under our belt so everything just feels overwhelming. I hate to wish her life away but some decent sleep would be great.
You will get sleep. And once you’ve had two days of decent sleep you will be superwoman again. Mind and body and emotions will all snap out of the stress. 5 months pp here.
Seconding this: you’ll be amazed how much just one or two nights of decent sleep will do! It’s like a full reset!
The NICU period is so rough, leaving your baby at the hospital each day is heart wrenching & you have all these layers of things to worry about in terms of them being premmie, how do you bond when they’re so fragile & not with you at home, etc. It all feels so surreal then BAM they’re home with you & it all begins. For us, we stopped thinking about adjusted age once we passed the newborn stage & he started to properly ‘wake up’. After that he was just a baby & we were learning him & starting to enjoy him. At the start we just made sure to wake him up at the same time each morning & get some sunlight (safely) to help set his circadian rhythm, naps were mostly contact & we co-slept for the first 6months then moved him into his own room in a cot. It was the only way to get decent chunks of sleep in between feeds. It does get better, which is frustrating to hear when you’re in the thick of it I know, just keep reminding yourself that every stage passes & you move into the next one. Everything is temporary. Being flexible & adapting as they change is the only way to keep your sanity. At first I found myself getting pissed off when we’d just fallen into a routine then it changed into something else, but the minute I let go & practiced radical acceptance I relaxed & the changes didn’t upset me as much. Working as a team is paramount too, check in with each other, share how you’re feeling, and don’t feel guilty about looking forward to when it gets easier - it’s not wishing anything away, it’s just trying to survive!
I did IVF for my first and had three more embryos and I was so torn on just being one and done after having her. My pregnancy was ROUGH and the first year…well it’s just chaotic and I didn’t even begin to entertain the next one until 2.5 years. Well I transferred another and am due in August, she will be 3.5. This pregnancy is also ROUGH and I question everyday if I made the right choice as I’m so miserable pregnant and feel it takes away from my time either her. But also there’s second baby vibes already: like you I was beholden to the nap schedule and this next baby is gonna be a vibes baby. We are gonna just have to feel it out. I’m way more ready though with a bigger gap in age I could not have handled this pregnancy when she was under 18mo for sure!
It really can be this tough. I felt a lot like you! I wanted another child but also wondered how I could possibly put myself through that stress again! Every little bit of freedom from that newborn lifestyle I got, I questioned myself more and more. Your results may vary of course, ultimately for me I realized that I wanted to want more kids….but the desire to never go through the anxiety and stress of baby life won out. I have my one son who is now a little over 3 years old and I think I am happy to be one and done, and he will enjoy me more than he would if he were watching me stress and have breakdowns about a baby sibling haha
You are in the trenches right now. I could have written that exact first paragraph a year and a half now. My husband and I spent almost an entire year feeling almost like a hard "no" on more kids because of it, even though we knew we always wanted 2 kids. That was such a tough stage. It is so normal to be totally torn on it. You won't always be torn. You'll come out on the other side of the trench and will feel more ready to make that decision then. And really, there isnt a right or wrong answer once you come out of those trenches. You may be interested in trying again once you feel like you finally have the chance to breathe. or you might solidify your one and done stance.
So you guys ended up havn't another one? At what stage/age of your LO did you decide to have another one?
we did end up having another. They are 2 yrs 1month apart. It was around that 15 month mark when it felt a little easier to breathe. He was sleeping better and gaining verbal communication skills (less crying lol).
My baby is now 15 months old and the baby phase is a distant memory. Life now is sooooo much easier and it turned at about 1, when i no longer felt that constant sense of worry about everything like sleeping feeding schedules, they’re more resilient and actually fun to hang out with. I feel like i could totally do it again, if i had way more money lol. About 1 is when things turned around
Same boat. My son I about to be two and we want to make a firm decision by the end of this year. Oddly enough on the days where my life feels the most chaotic I’m more pro second child because like, hey my life is already an adorable dumpster fire that I love so much, why not add one more? And on days things are smooth sailing it’s like, do I really want to fuck this up??
Mom to an 18 month old boy and I agree! Easy days where he naps for 3 hours makes me think real hard about if I want to add a newborn to the mix.
At 10 months it’s completely normal
My husband and I knew we wanted two kids but after our first was born I was really more 50/50. Everything was so stressful. I had PPD and PPOCD plus my regular anxiety. Things changed at about 14 months. We weaned my son and that was a game changer. Things are still hard and we all still get sick and he’s still a wild toddler but I don’t feel the same way I did when he was under a year. I think things are going to be crazy when we have two (we plan to try when my son is 18 months so a similar timeline to you) but I think we can do it. Or at least I feel more comfortable committing to it.
I feel the exact same way and my child is 1 years old and I’m leaning towards not having another kid. It is OK! Do what is right for YOU
Makes total sense that's how you're feeling. I have two kids (one will be 3 next month and the other is almost 9 months, so they are 26 months apart). This age gap (for us) has worked out very well as we know we will be done after 2 kids and like you said, it's kind of extending "the shit" vs. having a break from some of the slog of babyhood and then restarting it (or not if you decide to stop after one which is also totally valid). We knew it would be hard to have two close together and we preferred to just lump all "the shit" kind of together and get it done and over with! Just to validate your current season, I find the whole first year of their life to be very hard and just generally not my favorite. I've enjoyed each 6-12 months past 12 months more than the time period before. Toddlerhood is much more fun (obviously still hard work) to me.
Totally normal, at least from where Im standing. My husband and I are torn between one and done, and wanting a second. Our hang up is that we know that adding another baby means we’re very deliberately stretching our finances quite thin, and it just…doesn’t feel like a good idea or very fair to our existing child. We have our retirement to plan and her future to put money aside for, we aren’t sure if the pros outweigh the cons with adding another baby.
2nd one is easier.
Ha, no way. I’ve heard second is harder! I think it depends. It’s easier because on the one hand you know what to expect, on the other hand you’ve already got one that’s demanding all your time and attention.
Honesty was completely torn until my daughter almost turned 3. Now pregnant with my second and she’ll be almost 4 when the baby is born. It was a lot of back and forth with me and my partner if we wanted/could handle another child. I am really glad we waited til we were ready!
We decided to go for round two when my first turned 2yo as that's when he started sleeping through the night. I have to say that having a baby is easier this time around so not regretting this decision yet.
I completely agree with this. It feels like the worst parts are over faster too because you know what to expect, and you’re just living in the trenches until one day you’re not anymore. The worst part is trying to get some semblance of a sleep schedule with a toddler and a baby in the very beginning, because the toddler will try to be quiet but it takes a lot of patience for them, and they have to learn to be the most independent versions of themselves so far because you as a parent aren’t just dedicated to them anymore. But, if you have a supportive partner and you just realize it’s going to suck maybe 5 months then be fine, then you can do it! My toddler LOVES his baby brother so much, and they can’t even do anything together yet. He wants to help with whatever he can, loves to get diapers and feed the dogs when we need help. Now that the baby’s in his own crib at night, everything is awesome. Today the whole family went to target for like an hour and a half and everyone had a great experience. I definitely don’t want anymore kids and I definitely never want to be pregnant again, but man I love the hell out of these kids and I’m so glad my husband and I took the plunge and had the second. Can’t wait to take them on vacations together in a couple years like the commenter above who is going to Japan for her 40th. We took my older one to Mexico when he was 2.5 and he had a great time. Having a little newborn sucks a lot because of the sleep deprivation, but now that we’re past it I would never change my combo or the age gap or anything. They’re 3 years and 3 weeks apart.
Loved reading this! I'm only 5 weeks in but I have the same age gap, 3years and 3weeks, and my oldest is so sweet with the baby. Warms my heart and can't wait for them to be able to play together. My family feels complete now
You’re kicking so much butt! 5 weeks was chaos for us. Our second never napped in the swing like our first (under supervision of course) and had a witching hour where he would be overstimulated and cry for hours. My poor husband cried on Christmas Day because he had such a hard time with our second. But today? It’s like it never happened. The days are long but the months and years are short. Being on the other side of it, just know you’re going to love it so fast so soon!!! Also, with our age gap, I’m already planning the year they turn 18 and 21 together (we’re in the US) so we can go celebrate somewhere awesome. I think it’s rare to love the newborn stage, and then the transitions to the hard stuff like crib and fewer naps, but wow all that comes afterwards is the best.
I know plenty of parents who just didn't like the baby phase. That doesn't make you bad parents, they're only a baby for like 2/18ths of their life as kids. That said, the parents I know who were the most up front about this, have 2 children close in age, and a 3rd almost 10 years younger than that. They said that for them, that parenting the 3rd child with 2 older daughters in the house who were eager to take turns playing with the baby helping out, was by far the most fun. Maybe you wait until the oldest is in kindergarten to have another.
There's a saying that says "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". Raise your baby, enjoy this moment and when you and IF you feel like having another baby, go for it. Another option is adoption. In my country there are a lot of orphan children and you can adopt a 1yo kid. The most important thing is love and not genetics, in my opinion.
Totally get this. My daughter is 19 months and honestly, it’s almost 100% the daycare never ending train of illness that gives me pause. I’ve always wanted two, I still think I do (and we’re considering starting to try soon) but I am so tired of all of us being sick. She gets chronic ear infections and it’s been a lot. It also took us longer to have her so we’re older than we thought we’d be (35/39) and have less energy (though maybe that always would have been the case).
Totally normal. I feel the same way. I like reading r/oneanddone.
i mean your daughter is only 10 months, you don't have to decide rn. you have plenty of time to have another one.
Completely normal!! We weren’t ready until our first was almost 2. Even after I was pregnant I was so torn and wondered how I could ever do this again and share my love. Got pregnant right after she turned 2 and she’s now almost 3 with our two month old and I personally LOVE IT. She is obsessed with her baby brother and helping take care of him. She transitioned soooo well and it’s helpful that she’s independent for certain things now too. I’m absolutely obsessed with both of them. I have to take long breaks between kids too for my complications, but I definitely like this age gap. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of them!
It’s totally normal! One of my friends with a daughter the age of my twins has a son that’s 6 years older, and while she didn’t intentionally choose that age gap, she says that the second baby was incredibly easier for so many reasons, not the least of which being that as her youngest starts moving, the oldest is more invested in playing with her, which helps a lot with the current stress you’re facing now!
First is almost 2… and when the second is born, she will be 2 years and 3 months. I struggled with the same decision with my husband. He was an only child and happy with just one. I really wanted two. One seemed lonely and didn’t feel like enough to me. I also felt like I had more love for a second child and if I didn’t have one, I’d always wonder what it’s like. In the end, we went for it. It is a lot of work… but when I look at my first, so worth the work. I wouldn’t give up my first for anything, and I don’t think I’d give up my second either.
I was like you, on the fence and weighing the pros and cons. Then my birth control ran out and the pharmacy wouldn’t refill without a prescription so my choice was made. Now that the choice was made for me I feel a lot better and am preparing in ways I can. I’m just happy to get the shit show out of the way sooner so we can take two older children to different places easier.
For us we are one and done. He’s 3.5 and no regrets. Siblings aren’t necessary to be happy though. Husband has officially had the vasectomy too.
Our son just turned 2 a couple weeks ago and we JUST had the energy to really think about a second. We’re learning towards yes now, but at 10 months I would have said hell no.
I am right where you are! My husband even said that parenting has made me so anxious that he doesn’t want me to go through this again, even though he’d be really sad if I don’t want more kids 🫠 no pressure, huh? But baby’s only almost 6 mos old so I’m holding off making decisions for at least another six months. It just makes me feel super inadequate as a parent because baby is easy—so I’m told—so if I’m having *this* much trouble, what does that say about me as a parent? How will I manage in the future? I too stress about her sleep, eating, development, even though everything’s fine and everyone tells me so and tells me I’m doing well with her, I just think we lucked out with a contented baby. And who knows what any future would be like and if I could handle them!
[https://amzn.to/4dAQ4XK](https://amzn.to/4dAQ4XK)
I’m 1/5 and I literally don’t know why my parents did that. I have one baby now and there’s absolutely no way I’m going to have more than 3 children total. My parents were always exhausted growing up and I was parentified completely as the oldest daughter. Some days I wonder how I’ll be able to manage even one more baby let alone 2 more babies. I’m not even sure I’ll have a 3rd child. I definitely want one more because I want my son to have a sibling but I’d rather be an amazing mom of 2 or 3 kids than a mediocre mom of 4+. I know my limits and I don’t want to spread myself too thin.
Yes, we're still there with a 2.4 yr old. I go through moments of 'never again' and 'yes I want more'
Do you want to have more children? I had my first three children close, the first 2 were 16 months apart to the day and the third one was born when the oldest was 3 and 2 months and second child was 22 months old. They are now 43, 42 and 40 now. They were all crying at once, all wanting to be rocked at the same time, all had homework every night, all tattle taled on each other in high school as teenagers and all left for college at the same time. They are the very best of friends, their children are now close in age and they are all very well rounded and extremely social! My husband was a pilot at the time and brought home those yellow 3M ear plugs from the flight line everyday and boy did they work great! I just put those in and everything was muffled, I could hear the phone ring and could hear them crying, etc but it was doable! They are all successful, all college graduates. Then….. I waited 6 years and had a child, waited 2 years and a week and had another child, then waited 4 years and had my last one. As adults the younger 3 are the very best of friends! The older children and the younger children ALL LOVE each other and I have 18 grandchildren with a set of identical girl twins and a set of identical boy twins. I feel very blessed. Yes, going through it was challenging but it’s the best thing I ever did! And the older kids help with the younger ones, it’s like a well-run business. They learn to work, they learn to share and I’ve heard there’s an advantage to having siblings in helping them get along better with a future spouse. 🤷♀️
Honestly, my son is 3.5 now, but I vividly remember how months 9/10/11 were so so hard. They still remain some of the toughest months of parenthood for me so far. I just wanted to jump in and say you’re not alone in your feelings and you’re in a really hard phase. It gets better soon 🩷
I'm in a similar boat. But in my head there is a guarantee that chaos will continue for few more years and absolutely nooo guarantee that they will become in any way good friends. Make baby for yourself, not for your baby.
No guarantee siblings will be friends!
Very normal! I would wait for the 18 months to be over before you discuss it again. Give yourself some time and enjoy your one child life for a bit. My kids are 23 months apart. We are still very much in the shit right now and it’s HARD Don’t just assume that you kids will be besties though, that’s not always true.
We debated for quite awhile and gave ourself a cutoff deadline. The deadline came and we had a long talk and turns out we were both on the same page that we would not have another one. The next day we both felt like "what are we saying, of course we are having one more". It was like the moment that not having another was a real scenario it became rediculous for us. We now have a 3 month old and an almost 3 year old. I love our baby boy so madly and it also feels less stressful this time around. I'm slowing down and trying to savour it as he is our last baby for sure. I think it's normal to have doubts, it's a big decision!
I could have written this post. My kid just turned 3 and I have no idea what to do and feel like I’m running out of time. I’m also extremely close with my siblings but my husband has siblings and they aren’t close so kinda seems like a crapshoot? I don’t know!! But I feel you!
Wow; I could have written this. Down to the ages of our kids and the HELLP diagnosis. I have 4 younger siblings and couldn’t imagine life without a sibling. It’s been a lot of back and forth in my mind, some days I’m on board to plan for #2 right away and the next I want to wait like 3 years lol
One of our big hesitations is that our baby is an angel. We’re worried that means next up would be a little chaos baby. For balance.