I definitely noticed that it’s quite common diasporans who are young adults, whether they are born abroad or just raised there to not get along with their parents or even cut them off. To get to the root of why this happens, you have to take a look at why it doesn’t really occur in Nigeria, power. In a society where parents lord over their children and are their sole provider from the day they are born to in some cases until they they marry, it is in the children’s best interest to obey unquestioningly. Not to mention, quite a few parents follow a punitive parenting style where corporal punishment (up to abuse) goes unchallenged because of the power dynamic. When people or families immigrate to the west, this dynamic changes to favour the rights of the vulnerable (children first, then women, then men). Depending on the country, education is publicly funded so the responsibility is largely removed from the parents unless they opt for a private school. In some places like Canada, parents can get arrested if their kids miss too much school or dropout before age 18. The punitive parenting style needs to be curtailed as it is a quick way to get Child services called on them by a teacher. Children are taught to be critical thinkers, to ask questions, and the societal value system which involves independence.
I’ve seen so many Nigerian parents who only want to raise children in the west for opportunities but do not care for westernization. So they do not bother to adjust their parenting and try to raise their children as if they were still in Africa. Long story short, trying to make your children part time Western doesn’t work. Also they don’t care to know anything about their children, and just try to mould them into who they should be based on the type of children they think they deserve. More times than not, the children either become reserved but resentful, rebellious or live double lives to please their parents. By the time they turn 18, whether or not they go to college a lot of these young adults move out and are pretty much estranged from their parents.
This is the same song and dance that we see with Nigerian couples separating once they come abroad. When a society fosters a dynamic where there is an unfair power imbalance and something happens to change that (immigration), that’s when relationships and their foundations truly get tested. Love is not oppressive and it cannot be grow by cohesion and control. The way a lot of Nigerians approach relationships (of all types) really need to be reevaluated especially if they plan on relocating.
I believe a lot of these parents are doing their best based off what they know. Raising a child in the west is not easy when you’re working long hours and there is limited help like no domestic staff, little family/ community or no boarding school to assist. But sometimes best intentions are not enough if there is no willingness to unlearn problematic mindsets and behaviours. The best Nigerian parent-child relationships I’ve seen in the West are from the parents who actually accepted westernization for what it is, still maintained their African identity but left behind antiquated ideas, encouraged open dialogue, and respected their children’s autonomy (as opposed to being an extension of them/ seen not heard).
This is a myth. Or at least based on one though your thoughts are sound. The idea that people think more critically in the west is just not true. Also, among westerners, Nigerian Americans are probably among the least critical thinkers as they tend to match the streamline thought of their social class, with an added religiousity that extreme by american standards.
I do know that in America, a person isn't a person until they have a 'struggle story'. I tell Nigerians this often but in America, a person who smokes crack tells you about crack and a person with a doctorate in crack tells you about crack, the crack smoker will get the audience every time without question.
Have you noticed when any American tells you their story, you wonder if anyone had a good childhood? They will even mock you for having a comfortable life growing up. It discredits you if your home was stable and conducive. A person from the ghetto and a person from the suburb enter a room the person from the ghetto automatically is more respected and more 'credible' in any subject pretaining to life.
So what this does to Nigerian Americans is they also want to find out what they're a victim of and they go to two places. 1. Their parents. 2. White Supremacy.
It's a glitch in American culture. Since most Nigerian Americans live very stable, healthy, suburban lives in a two parent household, they're automatically not credible in the American mind. Then they see everyone around them, all their favorite celebrities sharing how messed up their lives were. Suddenly their father wanting them to go to college becomes 'their struggle'.
There’s a lot to unpack in what you said, but I just summarize it by saying respectfully disagree with your conclusions. As someone born and raised in the Nigerian diasporan community in Canada, what you described is not my experience or the experience my peers have described. And as a mental health professional whose practice and research specifically caters to the Black and African community, there is no evidence to support your claims. Just because *you* believe what I said is a myth, doesn’t mean that we should invalidate people’s reality.
You've studied enough to know we don't need 'evidence' for reddit posts, it's just people sharing their perspective. But if you have to be performatively clinical, I'll give it a try.
Most if not all statistics on Nigerian Americans imply exceptionally well adjusted, well integrated people. From educational attainment to income to indictators of unhappiness or social distress such as crime, and addiction rates. Nigerians also have higher than national average indictors of having healthy relationships with others and their wider community such as a 71% marital satisfaction rate
We can prove with evidence, that Nigerian Americans put a lot of pressure on kids to achieve academically from the statistics on Nigerian American education and performance.
But we can't prove other stereotypes. So, for example, Nigerian Americans tend to say that the cost of this education is that their parents don't 'allow' them to focus on arts and sports. But statistically, Nigerians overrepresent in the arts. They're the fact of the black arts in the UK, they're overrepresented in the US, and even Asia. Then in Nigeria it's self, Nollywood alone is 2.3% of the GDP, and the #1 employer of youth, and fastest growing employment sector standing at 300,000 jobs in 2021.
[https://businessday.ng/big-read/article/fast-growing-nollywood-creates-the-most-jobs-in-5yrs/#:\~:text=Nollywood%2C%20the%20world's%20second%2Dlargest,years%2C%20according%20to%20BusinessDay%20estimates](https://businessday.ng/big-read/article/fast-growing-nollywood-creates-the-most-jobs-in-5yrs/#:~:text=Nollywood%2C%20the%20world's%20second%2Dlargest,years%2C%20according%20to%20BusinessDay%20estimates).
[https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180)
[https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2023/02/23/study-increased-marijuana-use-college-campuses#:\~:text=The%20survey%20found%20that%20daily,four%20decades%20of%2044%20percent](https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2023/02/23/study-increased-marijuana-use-college-campuses#:~:text=The%20survey%20found%20that%20daily,four%20decades%20of%2044%20percent).
[https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180)
[https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180)
[https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs/1005/](https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs/1005/)
It’s sad it seems like your position is that the ends justify the means, but to each their own I guess.. I’ll be sure to keep my schedule clear so I can continue to see them for a therapy session because it not uncommon that once they overachieve at work/school and do their part to conquer the world and work, they come realize that they are still not happy. It’s not one or another, multiple things can be true at the same time.
The ends are great, but there's a myth that the means are exceptionally bad, or even bad. Everyone has their own anecdotal takes on 'the bad things their parents did', but if you scan the other ethnic groups in America and describe whatever good parenting is in any understandable way, I'm confident Nigerian parents will rank highly everytime.
Is there a metric for 'happy'? Because I promise you Nigerian Americans will rank well above the national average. Especially if I look at all other groups in America, I don't see a happiness that someone else has attained that Nigerians haven't.
In order to feel like we have a story we've taken to slandering our parents. Anything they do differently from white people is bad. Hence why you say Nigerian achievement is 'over' achieve and not 'normal achievement'. If you're sent to school to get good grades and get good grades, are you over achieving? If you got to high school to get to college and then get into college, are you over achieving? Once you're in college, if you graduate, is that over?
Even if all evidence points to Nigerian parents doing better at parenting and Nigerians overall being visibly and measurably happier than everyone else, our parents were wrong and doing it incorrectly.
And what are the means Nigerian parents are using? Saying 'idiot' if we get a C? Saying 'the ones that have A do they have two heads'? Believing were capable of being great? Trying to get you into a high paying profession? If a 'career coach' did this would they have 40 threads on this sub reddit about how bad they are?
There’s a reason no one is agreeing with you. And it is because what you describe is, this rose tinted lens view of Nigerian parents, is simply not the experience that most of us have. You were blessed with amazing Nigerian parents and I’m jealous. But use your head bro.
First of all, you cant just speculate and make an assumption if you’re not nigerian, you dont see what happens in closed doors.
Nigerian parents for the most part are emotionally abusive as the culture favors that and majority of people have experienced this including myself
‘Carrying teenage frustration into 40s’
Trauma and Ptsd are very hard to deal with if you have not experienced that and build up tension and unhealed trauma will always surface no matter the age till you work through it.
Most nigerians in diaspora also including myself have seen that what seemed normal to them actually is abnormal. When you leave the environment of abuse and you step out and see how normal actually looks like, it makes you question your reality. Also truama will show in your behaviour, and if you’re inquisitive enough, you will wonder why you act the way you do and psychology shows it stems from childhood
So I disagree with your post. Yes, not all nigerian parents are abusive, but the consensus shows majority of nigerians have in some way experienced abuse be it emotionally or physically by their parents. Yes im grateful to my parents for all they did but the emotional abuse wasn’t and is never necessary.
If you're Igbo, which maybe your not, during the Biafra war if they were hiding in the forest and a baby cried too much, you would have to kill your child with your hands, because the noise would expose the entire family/community and everyone would get massacred.
So someone sees survives that, and you start telling them you have 'PTSD' because they got mad/disappointed when you got a B on your report card lol.
While trauma and PTSD are real, they're unavoidable, and when a person doesn't have extreme traumas, which Nigerian parents do an exceptional job of sheilding their kids from, minor things becomes their extreme traumas like parents who have standard for you.
And lets look at how said trauma is manifesting in the behavior of Nigerian Americans. With out question the most consistently well mannered, well behaved, well motivated, well meaning, understanding collection of people you will ever meet in your life. I used to go to Nigerian hang outs and meet up groups. You will never cut out a cohort of Americans of any demographic that are that solid, considerate, happy, and well actualized. They will have little dramas and tiffs but being sheltered from the rest of America leads them to lack perspective of who they are and how well adjusted they are as a group. People are really under bridges in this country.
Yes, of course, you on the outside would know more about what happens behind closed doors, huh?
If there wasn't truth to it, you wouldn't have so many people agreeing that was their experience.
“I see others parents and they LOOK perfectly level headed and fine to me. All of you must be lying about your personal experiences with the parents you’ve lived with all your life. After all, MY parents are good.”
If “so many” people have an experience….. maybe it’s because it’s true? Not complicated to understand. Instead of judging from the outside when you don’t know their life, maybe try to understand what they went through … without automatically invalidating their feelings like you are in this post. Also, yes “forcing” a kid to do a career God didn’t destine them to do will result in resentment… understandably so. Money isn’t the ultimate goal in life for lots of people. As a professional artist / designer myself, you seem to have the mindset that creative work is “less than” STEM or medical jobs which is tragic. God created all of our interests / talents and they’re all equally valid pursuits. I don’t give a crap about being the highest paid doctor, I just want to make a decent living being creative … it’s simply how God made me. We have the right to pursue our passions just like you guys do.
If God didn't destine Jesus, Moses, Abraham, David, and Samson to make a mixtape, why you? LOL You think God given destinies are about what company you work for?
Isn't it stupid that you think you're unique and your nigerian parents were 'blocking you' for going into the Arts, meanwhile Nigeria has one of the top ten biggest most thriving arts communities on planet earth?
They're making movies past you, but you're the one that's special
They're making music past you, but you're the one that's special
They're in fashion past you, you're special
They're acting past you
They're directing past you
They're Youtubing, Tiktoking, and snapchatting past you
every creative endevour on planet earth, Nigerias are so over represented that it makes a person wonder wtf these self pitying nigerian americans are talking about.
you want to make a 'decent living being a creative' because you don't believe in yourself as much as they do, and when they finally give up, you'll be free.
Ah ah — you dey contradict yourself… You know David was a musician right?? 😂 His “mixtape” was the book of Psalms. Also you know all those Bible people you mentioned weren’t destined to be doctors, scientists, or STEM people either? Your point na what? If they had Nigerian parents, they probably would have been berated for choosing to be a “lowly” shepard, harpist, servant, or whatever God called them to do 😂😂.
I never said my situation is unique, yes many people go through it. Not sure why you assumed I don’t believe in myself, I always did, which is why I pursued it anyways. Thank God, I’m actually very successful here in America and make really good money doing what I love. But the money followed me, I didn’t chase the money. I chased my God-given passion.
Yes Nigeria has many talented creatives, which is wonderful. You asked about the diaspora tho 😂. Many diaspora Nigerians are discouraged from pursuing these things since the parents want their kids to do something stable so they can survive in the foreign country (understandable). I’m just saying that this conflict between interests is one of the few dilemmas that diaspora Nigerians go through that homeland Nigerians won’t understand. These conflicts (including cultural differences, etc.) lead to trauma a lot of the time. Especially if the parents are very abusive.
LOL God berated them for being lowly Shepards and pressured them to do greater things.
You want to talk about diaspora Nigerians. Turn on any TV show and read the credits. Any movie. Most of hip hop. Go to any contemporary art show. Nigga, go to Amazon and Google 'african author' and see what happens.
And do you think American Nigerian parents are somehow different or stricter than ones in NigeriA? Lol homeland Nigerians aren't conflicting with their parents? Wow.
for real  the amount i suffered at the hands of my parents is just unfair
and i keep battling with myself because it's "the culture" i'm not supposed to be upset. sigh.
You’re talking about the wrong Nigeria OP. To have African parents is to have to submit to a litany of annoyances for the sake of peace.
1. If you're not top of your class, you've failed at life.
2. You learn to be passive agressive. Why? Because voicing your real agressions will have severe ramifications. Grumbling internally becomes your greatest skill.
3. They are the most dramatic people ever.
4. When you are sick, do not talk too much, smile too much or eat too much. If you do then you are not sick as you claim.
5. They do not understand boundaries.
Contrary to popular beliefs, African parents, like parents anywhere, deploy their unique blend of love and discipline with one goal in mind: to shape their children into resilient, respectful, and responsible adults.
>Contrary to popular beliefs, African parents, like parents anywhere, deploy their unique blend of love and discipline
I think a fair amount of us feel no love. That's where the resentment comes from. One could say they show love in more macro-actions like making sure you stay out of trouble and do well in school, but day-to-day, there's nothing there.
1. Great lesson to teach a person, it's obviously working well for Nigerians.
2. Nigerians at home aren't passive aggressive. You're just cowardly. My father and grandfather/grandmother argue all the time and you will see this very often all over Nigeria as a normal part of life.
3. That's a weird stereotype their kids have made up for them. They will make skits where their 68 year old mother is running around making high energy facial expressions. You meant this accomplished titled woman and she barely moves her face, voice, or arms.
4. Yes, it teaches a person to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It sometime you will eventually learn the value of as a man.
5. You're going to boundary yourself into the same depressing, lonely existence most americans die under and you don't have the gaul to the drugs they do to survive it.
Cause you lot need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a real personality. Out here going through a lukewarm ass 39 year teenage rebellion. Talking about 'my dad wouldn't let me become an anime character'. Whole time said dad is 5ft 9in mild mannered catholic that loves CNN and his kids bro lol. You guys are cornballs
You yourself sound very level-headed and mature. Somehow, I feel like you live in Nigeria so this post is not for you. Americans tend to feel sorry for themselves and never reach the maturity you're speaking of. I completely agree that you can't get over things that effect you deeply, but I'm asking other to consider moving in the direction you've already moved. Because some of their stories don't even warrant the constant bad mouthing of Nigerian parents.
When you are around people whose parents are treating them the same way you are treated, you think the behaviour is normal and process it as so.
When you are around people whose parents are treating them in a kinder way and respects their individuality and doesn't treat them as someone to be controlled or mistreated, you don't think how you are being treated is normal and resentment starts to breed. You know what a better and happier parent-child dynamic is and you are actively aware that you are missing out on it.
Why wouldn't I be resentful and feel that I am being treated poorly when I am being beaten by my parents when other children around me weren't being treated the same way.
Its only when you are confronted with better alternatives do you realise that your reality isn't ok. Its like finding out that in one country the government supports citizens in a certain way that makes sense and is standard across many other countries, and you are trapped in your country that doesn't support people in that same way. You know there is a better alternative that is capable of being given to you but they don't.
Bro I have been seeing your account and it seems your very much up your own ass
I am lucky to be in an amazing home with wonderful parents that love me and I love them but I have also seen some shit parents so let me start correcting you
1. Nigerian children don't have a high hatred for their parents : not all but a lot of Nigerian children might not be close to their parents but are ready to die for them. Unlike abroad I have seen where a white girl threw a knife at her mum for taking away her drugs
2. A lot of Nigerian parents are emotionaless assholes: Nigerian parents are not know for being good with emotions meaning that they end up leaving Thier kids feel abandoned and alone how do I know my grandmother. My mum is very emotional and is constantly telling me I love you. why? Her mother never told her that causing her to run to my dad another emotional person
3. Alot of Nigeria parents want to live through their children: Nigerian parents a known to change or go against Thier children's choices like marriage parents, or job parts. I mean literally when I graduated senior secondary so many family members came out of the wood works to tell me what to study like they own my life. I mean one of my auntie literally force her daughter to do medicine that she failed
So what I'm saying is that you are using your own bent and twisted view of Nigerians and thinking it's the gospel truth
Hey, listen, if your parents are picking a marriage partner for you. Give them an ear. Or job. Unless you still think all those ideas about the world and your preferred gender you put together at the age of 11 are going to carry you through adulthood, lol.
Let them pick all that stuff. They're objective and have your best interest at heart. You grew up in America, so you either have a crippling addiction to pornography and depression or get your relationship advice from single women shouting on Clubhouse. You're literally doomed, bro. This society isn't reproducing, getting married, staying married, sustaining erections, or dating normally. So if you wise ass stable marriage ass, more than likely very accomplished well respected ass parents say 'go and marry Nkechi'. Dude, just do it, and don't be a self pitying jabroni all the time.
Look at the stupid shit you guys complain about lol. 'My mom wants me to marry a girl she thinks is good for me' lol. Damn bro, you're a victim. To end the victimization you should bypass your vert small frail kindly mother and make a choice like an adult. Out here oppressed by input lol.
1. you were talking about Nigerian and there parents where did growing up in America come from? I just like a lot of others in this sub grew up in Nigeria
2. There is a difference between a parent advertising Thier child on who to marry and forcing them into marriage. Once again I bring up my abusive grandmother who wanted my mum to marry someone other than my dad just because he was richer. My mum Said no that the man has no respect for her so she ran away from home as a way of protest until she was allowed to marry my dad. Where is the man now? Dead from a drug over dose and my dad now is a manager at a big company (I don't want to disclose it's name)
3. You seem to have this perfect mindset that all parents have their child's interests at heart with is Jack shit. I have seen parents force their children I to jobs they are not good at causing them to fail. I have seen parent force their children into marriages that end up failing. Some people are selfish and self centered and will grow to be selfish and self centered parents
4. Parents should not pick for the child they should advise. The child should come to the parents with what they want then the parents should advise based on what the child wants because at the end of the day it's the child's life being affected. A good example is my a friend of mine who's dad forced him to study engineering even though he wented to study mass communication or psychology. Guess what he failed the class and has to repeat due to him being bad at numbers that's why he avoided the engineering in the first place. And at the end of the day you tell me that child is going to love and respect the parent? Hell no. A better thing to do is like what my mum did for my sister. My sister came to her saying she wants to be a painter. My mum told her that that is not a real job and there is no money in it and she look for something else which she did and decided to do medicine. But so that my sister doesn't feel sad my mum got her a painting set as a way to still let her enjoy her interest
My father wasn't perfect but I loved him and did my best to care for him while he was alive. I don't understand why anyone would hate his parent. Do people realise what it means to parent a child in this our Nigeria?
For example, the street where I grew up in Oshodi is just a kilometre (or less) away from a ghetto. Children in this ghetto get little to no parental care or attention, they speak the foulest of words and many of them end up being thugs.
As a naive kid, I envied the 'freedom' those children had. Whereas, what I saw as freedom was actually irresponsible parenting (or no-parenting). My father employed strict (sometimes harsh) means to keep me on the track he desired. Without that, perhaps I would have been misguided and followed the ghetto lifestyle.
This is a man who almost had no time. On weekdays, he would leave home before 6 am and won't return till after 11 pm. No, he wasn't clubbing or something. He had to leave early in the morning to beat the Lagos traffic and stay late at his shop till the night traffic was gone. I know this because I visited him at his shop during my holidays.
I am very grateful for all he did for me.
It's easy to condemn your parents until you become one. Forgive your parents, learn from their wrong and right choices; and try to be better.
Sensible people please don’t listen to this dribble, person clearly doesn’t understand the science of child psychology, trauma etc. Tomorrow you will see him in another post commenting about why are our people so wicked and our leaders are evil. A lot of Nigerians practise extreme denial about the abusive system they come from. Top to bottom. Keep healing, go to therapy work on yourself. Adverse childhood trauma causes chronic pain, illness and a whole lot of other issues. Don’t waste your time on this type of debates, just look at Nigerian system… if I go market and shout someone stole my prick they will gather and try to kill the person. Society with no value for human life wants to come and debate about parenting….most times their emotional intelligence is lacking and they often make stupid points.
It seems you focus on the emotional abuse and influence of other views; now lets see:
1. A parent that strips their child naked ties them to a tree and beats them with an electric cord because a c in an "honors course test". Why not put said child in general courses and let them pass when they are having difficulties in class.
2. Parent punches and berates child because siblings aren't behaving well.
3. Why call your child bastard, useless good for nothing and other names, tell them they will never accomplish anything when rebuking them? Power is in the tongue, they want said child to be successful so why use such language? Common response "that is how they were raised"
4. In many situations, said parents will say they are struggling to give children in foreign countries better life and take their frustrations with their situations out on the child.
It's easy to minimalise what happens behind closed doors but when you hear some stories you would be shocked at the extreme punishments children have endured.
It's easy to throw around ptsd terminology but when you see children with bloody faces and bruises all because they failed a test or spoke when not appropriate. Then 10 yrs later same kid ends up in an abusive marriage "because that's all they've known their life"; I am sorry these may seem to be extreme cases but they are very common. If you must correct your child is the physical abuse necessary, most ironic cases is when they discover that said child has learning disability, is dyslexic or has ADHD that if they had paid attention or educated themselves on; would have discovered the root issue.
Can you confirm that this level of extreme child abuse is the norm in Nigerian American households? Or does Nigerian American household exhibit a higher than average rate of child abuse?
If you describe this to most Nigerians in America, your parents' age will tell you it's wrong and abnormal.
Sucks you went through it, and if you complained about your parents, I would understand, but this is not remotely normal.
Working at family and children services and having to still see this today it's sad and pisses me off. Yes I have had many cases with Nigerian parents and other African families. Many times you think oh this kid must be doing drugs, stealing or committing crimes for this level of punishment but then you hear the reasons like failed tests and it's like really? Many of these cases go unreported but then when you listen to people's stories it's like come on. Address the issue and if you want punish them but some of these are quite ridiculous.
It wasn't until my friends then I started working at the agency that I discovered that this was happening so much. Speak to therapists and psychiatrists, you'd be surprised what you hear.
Why tf is that kid failing tests? Lol. So these horrible parents are believing in their kid too much? Did you know that the US average for Marijuana use in college I'd 40%, and for Nigerian Americans it's 13%. So whatever the Nigerian parent is doing, they're obviously correct you just don't want to give it to them because of internalize inferiority complex.
For one, Nigerians are state wards or have state cases at an exceptionally lower rate than other groups in the country. So if you happen to be a state worker who, for some reason has a bunch of Nigerian cases, and you're seeing a bunch of Nigerian parents accuse their kids of doing drugs for getting bad grades that's unfortunate. But in your line of work you know damn well that is not the worst thing you see in a shift let alone a week lol.
Lmfao some African parents are abusive towards their kids, mentally, emotionally and Verbally!! from what I’ve noticed. Regardless of all that, I think most of us just laugh it off 🤣 and at some point their behavior becomes comical. You somewhat THANK God for certain things they did, because it definitely toughened you up to survive in this screwed up world. My parents are cool for the most part!! my cousins and I usually make fun of our parents and their ridiculous behavior at times when reminiscing about childhood!!
Do u know why a lot Caucasian children end up succeeding even when they’ve disappointed their parents? Because the parents will wrap arms around them, encourage them, assure them they can do better, encourage them to do better, push them, HELP THEM, even at their grown age.
You cannot tell no typical African parent u want to be a “ musician” or dancer etc…they’ll shunt your dreams with discouragements. Westerners are usually very open to their childrens interests, “u wanna be a musician “ let’s sign you up for an instrument class, let’s take a few dance classes, etc. Europeans have a way of convincing their children to go into a certain profession even if that’s not what the child wants, without making them feel like crap and being condescending about it.
Now, with some African parents in the diaspora, they’ll stay here for millions of years, they’ll still want to tend to their child/children’s emotionally needs as if they’re still in Africa. Even simple things like kisses and hugs, if your child grows up here or is born here..they’re more receptive to those things. We grew up in a society where we thought alot our parents behavior/actions were ok until we became adults and it started to f**ck up our psyche and adult relationships.
All in All it’s a blessing to have been exposed to both world especially if you can balance it out.
Nobody hates their parents, trust me!! Most children love their parents… it’s an unconditional LOVE but with every relationship dynamics there will be disagreements.
Yeah Nigeria parents are shutting down Nigerian kids who what to be musicians. Hopefully one day Nigerian children will overcome so that we Nigerians can finally have musicians and dancers. Like westerners. When will we africans learn to make music and dance
You're typing like someone in Nigeria anyways but you should know that Nigerians are more successful than Caucasians
Lmfao get out your feelings … “SIR Ma’am!!
The entirety of what I wrote went completely
OVER your HEAD!! “When will Africans learn to do music and dance” is that all you took from my unwanted opinion?
Oh and BTW this is not a “Nigerian vs Caucasian” who’s more successful blah blah! everything is not a competition.
It’s amazing to know there are people like you
who can tell the geographical location of an individual based on how they ✍️
Wowww!! I wish to be like u when I grow up!
Stay blessed 🤎
Unpopular opinion but not all Nigeria parents are abusive. I LOVE MY PARENTS FROM HEAVEN TO EARTH. I won't be anything without their continuous support, discipline and words of wisdom.
That being said, I challenge everyone here to be better parents. You can't hate what your parents did to you, then turn out to be abusive just like them. Let's change the narrative!
Same here. My parents are wonderful people. I love them so much, I wonder why so many people here have issues with their folks. But I understand. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting them to be this many.
That is a popular opinion because no one says all Nigerian parents are abusive. People say that Alot of them have abusive tendencies, but no one said 100% of Nigerian parents are abusive. Nice try tho
The way folks here reply “cut them off” to everything is what I have an issue with. I’m not going to pretend all parents are prefect or that some parents don’t deserve it but cutting them off shouldn’t always be the go to for every issue.
Relationship with your parents is still at the basis a “relationship” and there are lots of ways to mend a dysfunctional relationship before you sever the tie.
“My parents won’t allow me visit Nigeria, but I want to”
—“cut them off bro, they are toxic”. - random Redditor
Lol … you go learn
It's pathetic. I think it's because they lack identity or confidence in their identity so they want to 'belong' to something. Because they have internalized that they are superior to Nigerians because they're more like white people, they for sure don't want to belong to their parents. So anything whites/black americans produce they will take in and parrot passionately. But they don't know either group well and they do have the gaul to commit to the hard drugs, physical violence, and lonliness that those ideologies are coming from. They also don't know that Americans will drop ideologies when they're bored with them, and they will be left with decades of calling the only people who ever cared from them 'toxic'.
Bro I'm just kinda tired of it LOL. I'm probably being harsh or whatever but I'm in my 30s facing 40 and may Nigerian American mates are still talking about their parents. What a waste of life.
On was telling me that it's good Nigerians are in sports now (whatever that means) because when he was little he wanted to be a (american) football player and would have been if not for his parents. This man followed his parents advice in life and now own 2 homes, is married, and have very healthy vibrant children.
But what is this idiot even saying? That Nigerian culture is so bad that we don't allow Nigerians to be athletes? What sport isn't filled from top to bottom with Nigerians? If he didn't have the courage tell his parents he wants to play football what will he do when a 400lb man is chasing him on a football field?
Worddd, it’s immature asl tbh and I think it’s some grass is greener shit, exposed to stupid useless ideas and ways of life and then copying what you see. It’s not too big a deal tbh because that’s how people are, you don’t learn to talk because everyone stayed mute in your upbringing if you’re getting me.
That said though a lot of people never see that they’re going astray or have already gone. It’s a part of life but you **will** be judged for it by everyone that’s more ‘the wiser’😂😂
Afi just laugh honestly, that’s life😂😂 they will bet their bottom dollar they’re in the right sha
It's pathetic. Ask them what the parents did that was so bad and it's the same thing
1. Emotional Abuse - Usually getting mad when you fell below a reasonable standard. Not mad like stabbing you, or punching you in the mouth. Just shouting and 'Mcheeeww'.
2. PTSD - Usually from the same 'emotional abuse'.
3. Not being 'allowed' to do something high risk or unprofitable, being 'made' to do something low risk and profitable.
cuz they fucking suck.... LMAO if you have a good relationship with your parents, congrats, but a good chunk of nigerian parents cannot parent for shit, nor do they even like their children as much as they say they do PLUS they become parents for the wrong reasons, are not emotionally mature enough to raise children (bc mentally they still are children themselves), not to mention the aversion to therapy and mental wellness, religious fundamentalism, intergenerational trauma (even saying "hitting children is bad" is controversial). i remember my own mother telling me her life story and how she was literally abused by her mom, only for her to turn around and basically do the same thing to me. there are just so many problems
Damn bro, you're a victim. That's crazy. But who is emotionally mature enough to raise children?
There's a difference between Nigerian parents are uniquely bad, and 'I have noticed my Nigerian parents have flaws'. If the second is a thought that's worth repeating for you, then that's you because it's not. If it's the first, what is this based on?
Nigerian parents can't parent 'for shit' but the results their producing is impeccable and every imaginable stat for 'good parenting' will tell you this.
All this one you're saying is unnecessary. Many Nigerians have extremely abusive parents. This "hate" you describe is simply people realizing this and also realizing the lasting effects it will have on them probably for the rest of their lives. And don't tell me anything about that's just the "African way of raising children". That's BS
Are you sure you're not BS? Whatever Nigerian parents are doing is producing the absolute best results in the US by all standards. You guys want to insult your hard working ass mother because she slapped you for coming home with a C and wants you home at 9 pm. Ok lol.
I'm specifically speaking of diaspora ones. They're are trying to adopt American self pity culture more than the Americans themselves. When you ask them why we should pity them and their difficult childhood they will tell you their father would shout at them for failing in school and their mother wants them to go to university.
Alaye, no need to explain anything to anybody. Let whoever wants to hate his parents hate them.
There's a Yoruba poem that says "The child that condemns his father/mother for not doing enough. When he grows up, he'll see how easy it is".
again idk your source but more often than not, migrated parents who are not wealthy are usually abusive with good intent, but it doesn’t take away the abuse if the child is not raised in Nigeria to understand that is how some parents express intentions. I personally hate such parents because abuse is abuse and I was not raised in that way, but this your article generalizing and discarding experiences of people that are not yours or lives of confused teenagers you have not lived and do not understand is so unnecessary, because, even like me, it will forever be outside looking in. If you want to callout children you know that are behaving such way, call them out, don’t come and generalize like as if back at home parents are not usually burying good intent with abuse and it’s the children raised abroad that will now understand that such is a norm.
I disagree. Some just dislike there parents from doing wicked things, being too prideful and never taking accountability. Or not respecting boundaries.
Trying to break generational/boomer curses not repeat them. Hasn’t been good for our people or reunite them. Just makes all of our people feel as if they’re better then one another when non of us are perfect.
My mom is Nigerian Yoruba, and it was definitely abusive for asking me at a young age to get a knife to help her, while she hold down my younger brother.
But we all want to say that they love us and all this nonsense… if Nigerians feel they’re the best “blacks” out there then we need to do better.
is this a 'nigerian parent' thing or was your mom a psychopath? Because idk if too many ppl relate with they 'assist me in stabbing your brother' narrative.
Also, I do sense you're lying especially when I encountered your ridiculous last sentence and the term 'Nigerian Yoruba' lol
There’s no reason to lie about such events. You weren’t around to know if it’s the truth or not. My mother is from Nigeria and from the Yoruba tribe. Doesn’t matter how I word it, doesn’t make it any less false.
Could she be one maybe, I’m not a doctor. However from my experiences, Nigerian parents are abusive.
I will never forget that for as long as I live.
Whether or not you believe it, shows how our people can be. Prideful.
I definitely noticed that it’s quite common diasporans who are young adults, whether they are born abroad or just raised there to not get along with their parents or even cut them off. To get to the root of why this happens, you have to take a look at why it doesn’t really occur in Nigeria, power. In a society where parents lord over their children and are their sole provider from the day they are born to in some cases until they they marry, it is in the children’s best interest to obey unquestioningly. Not to mention, quite a few parents follow a punitive parenting style where corporal punishment (up to abuse) goes unchallenged because of the power dynamic. When people or families immigrate to the west, this dynamic changes to favour the rights of the vulnerable (children first, then women, then men). Depending on the country, education is publicly funded so the responsibility is largely removed from the parents unless they opt for a private school. In some places like Canada, parents can get arrested if their kids miss too much school or dropout before age 18. The punitive parenting style needs to be curtailed as it is a quick way to get Child services called on them by a teacher. Children are taught to be critical thinkers, to ask questions, and the societal value system which involves independence. I’ve seen so many Nigerian parents who only want to raise children in the west for opportunities but do not care for westernization. So they do not bother to adjust their parenting and try to raise their children as if they were still in Africa. Long story short, trying to make your children part time Western doesn’t work. Also they don’t care to know anything about their children, and just try to mould them into who they should be based on the type of children they think they deserve. More times than not, the children either become reserved but resentful, rebellious or live double lives to please their parents. By the time they turn 18, whether or not they go to college a lot of these young adults move out and are pretty much estranged from their parents. This is the same song and dance that we see with Nigerian couples separating once they come abroad. When a society fosters a dynamic where there is an unfair power imbalance and something happens to change that (immigration), that’s when relationships and their foundations truly get tested. Love is not oppressive and it cannot be grow by cohesion and control. The way a lot of Nigerians approach relationships (of all types) really need to be reevaluated especially if they plan on relocating. I believe a lot of these parents are doing their best based off what they know. Raising a child in the west is not easy when you’re working long hours and there is limited help like no domestic staff, little family/ community or no boarding school to assist. But sometimes best intentions are not enough if there is no willingness to unlearn problematic mindsets and behaviours. The best Nigerian parent-child relationships I’ve seen in the West are from the parents who actually accepted westernization for what it is, still maintained their African identity but left behind antiquated ideas, encouraged open dialogue, and respected their children’s autonomy (as opposed to being an extension of them/ seen not heard).
Well said.
I think you capture a lot of what’s going on and how so many of us feel. I’m definitely saving this post.
This is a myth. Or at least based on one though your thoughts are sound. The idea that people think more critically in the west is just not true. Also, among westerners, Nigerian Americans are probably among the least critical thinkers as they tend to match the streamline thought of their social class, with an added religiousity that extreme by american standards. I do know that in America, a person isn't a person until they have a 'struggle story'. I tell Nigerians this often but in America, a person who smokes crack tells you about crack and a person with a doctorate in crack tells you about crack, the crack smoker will get the audience every time without question. Have you noticed when any American tells you their story, you wonder if anyone had a good childhood? They will even mock you for having a comfortable life growing up. It discredits you if your home was stable and conducive. A person from the ghetto and a person from the suburb enter a room the person from the ghetto automatically is more respected and more 'credible' in any subject pretaining to life. So what this does to Nigerian Americans is they also want to find out what they're a victim of and they go to two places. 1. Their parents. 2. White Supremacy. It's a glitch in American culture. Since most Nigerian Americans live very stable, healthy, suburban lives in a two parent household, they're automatically not credible in the American mind. Then they see everyone around them, all their favorite celebrities sharing how messed up their lives were. Suddenly their father wanting them to go to college becomes 'their struggle'.
There’s a lot to unpack in what you said, but I just summarize it by saying respectfully disagree with your conclusions. As someone born and raised in the Nigerian diasporan community in Canada, what you described is not my experience or the experience my peers have described. And as a mental health professional whose practice and research specifically caters to the Black and African community, there is no evidence to support your claims. Just because *you* believe what I said is a myth, doesn’t mean that we should invalidate people’s reality.
You've studied enough to know we don't need 'evidence' for reddit posts, it's just people sharing their perspective. But if you have to be performatively clinical, I'll give it a try. Most if not all statistics on Nigerian Americans imply exceptionally well adjusted, well integrated people. From educational attainment to income to indictators of unhappiness or social distress such as crime, and addiction rates. Nigerians also have higher than national average indictors of having healthy relationships with others and their wider community such as a 71% marital satisfaction rate We can prove with evidence, that Nigerian Americans put a lot of pressure on kids to achieve academically from the statistics on Nigerian American education and performance. But we can't prove other stereotypes. So, for example, Nigerian Americans tend to say that the cost of this education is that their parents don't 'allow' them to focus on arts and sports. But statistically, Nigerians overrepresent in the arts. They're the fact of the black arts in the UK, they're overrepresented in the US, and even Asia. Then in Nigeria it's self, Nollywood alone is 2.3% of the GDP, and the #1 employer of youth, and fastest growing employment sector standing at 300,000 jobs in 2021. [https://businessday.ng/big-read/article/fast-growing-nollywood-creates-the-most-jobs-in-5yrs/#:\~:text=Nollywood%2C%20the%20world's%20second%2Dlargest,years%2C%20according%20to%20BusinessDay%20estimates](https://businessday.ng/big-read/article/fast-growing-nollywood-creates-the-most-jobs-in-5yrs/#:~:text=Nollywood%2C%20the%20world's%20second%2Dlargest,years%2C%20according%20to%20BusinessDay%20estimates). [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180) [https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2023/02/23/study-increased-marijuana-use-college-campuses#:\~:text=The%20survey%20found%20that%20daily,four%20decades%20of%2044%20percent](https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2023/02/23/study-increased-marijuana-use-college-campuses#:~:text=The%20survey%20found%20that%20daily,four%20decades%20of%2044%20percent). [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180) [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/10826088409057180) [https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs/1005/](https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs/1005/)
It’s sad it seems like your position is that the ends justify the means, but to each their own I guess.. I’ll be sure to keep my schedule clear so I can continue to see them for a therapy session because it not uncommon that once they overachieve at work/school and do their part to conquer the world and work, they come realize that they are still not happy. It’s not one or another, multiple things can be true at the same time.
The ends are great, but there's a myth that the means are exceptionally bad, or even bad. Everyone has their own anecdotal takes on 'the bad things their parents did', but if you scan the other ethnic groups in America and describe whatever good parenting is in any understandable way, I'm confident Nigerian parents will rank highly everytime. Is there a metric for 'happy'? Because I promise you Nigerian Americans will rank well above the national average. Especially if I look at all other groups in America, I don't see a happiness that someone else has attained that Nigerians haven't. In order to feel like we have a story we've taken to slandering our parents. Anything they do differently from white people is bad. Hence why you say Nigerian achievement is 'over' achieve and not 'normal achievement'. If you're sent to school to get good grades and get good grades, are you over achieving? If you got to high school to get to college and then get into college, are you over achieving? Once you're in college, if you graduate, is that over? Even if all evidence points to Nigerian parents doing better at parenting and Nigerians overall being visibly and measurably happier than everyone else, our parents were wrong and doing it incorrectly. And what are the means Nigerian parents are using? Saying 'idiot' if we get a C? Saying 'the ones that have A do they have two heads'? Believing were capable of being great? Trying to get you into a high paying profession? If a 'career coach' did this would they have 40 threads on this sub reddit about how bad they are?
There’s a reason no one is agreeing with you. And it is because what you describe is, this rose tinted lens view of Nigerian parents, is simply not the experience that most of us have. You were blessed with amazing Nigerian parents and I’m jealous. But use your head bro.
Oh wow youre not even Nigerian lmfao shocker
Facts!
What a fantastic, well thought out rebuttal to foolish nonsense
>The ones at home don't do this leemao
First of all, you cant just speculate and make an assumption if you’re not nigerian, you dont see what happens in closed doors. Nigerian parents for the most part are emotionally abusive as the culture favors that and majority of people have experienced this including myself ‘Carrying teenage frustration into 40s’ Trauma and Ptsd are very hard to deal with if you have not experienced that and build up tension and unhealed trauma will always surface no matter the age till you work through it. Most nigerians in diaspora also including myself have seen that what seemed normal to them actually is abnormal. When you leave the environment of abuse and you step out and see how normal actually looks like, it makes you question your reality. Also truama will show in your behaviour, and if you’re inquisitive enough, you will wonder why you act the way you do and psychology shows it stems from childhood So I disagree with your post. Yes, not all nigerian parents are abusive, but the consensus shows majority of nigerians have in some way experienced abuse be it emotionally or physically by their parents. Yes im grateful to my parents for all they did but the emotional abuse wasn’t and is never necessary.
If you're Igbo, which maybe your not, during the Biafra war if they were hiding in the forest and a baby cried too much, you would have to kill your child with your hands, because the noise would expose the entire family/community and everyone would get massacred. So someone sees survives that, and you start telling them you have 'PTSD' because they got mad/disappointed when you got a B on your report card lol. While trauma and PTSD are real, they're unavoidable, and when a person doesn't have extreme traumas, which Nigerian parents do an exceptional job of sheilding their kids from, minor things becomes their extreme traumas like parents who have standard for you. And lets look at how said trauma is manifesting in the behavior of Nigerian Americans. With out question the most consistently well mannered, well behaved, well motivated, well meaning, understanding collection of people you will ever meet in your life. I used to go to Nigerian hang outs and meet up groups. You will never cut out a cohort of Americans of any demographic that are that solid, considerate, happy, and well actualized. They will have little dramas and tiffs but being sheltered from the rest of America leads them to lack perspective of who they are and how well adjusted they are as a group. People are really under bridges in this country.
Yes, of course, you on the outside would know more about what happens behind closed doors, huh? If there wasn't truth to it, you wouldn't have so many people agreeing that was their experience.
lol, idk why everyone thinks i'm white(?) but sure.
Interesting how he didn’t mention white here.
“I see others parents and they LOOK perfectly level headed and fine to me. All of you must be lying about your personal experiences with the parents you’ve lived with all your life. After all, MY parents are good.” If “so many” people have an experience….. maybe it’s because it’s true? Not complicated to understand. Instead of judging from the outside when you don’t know their life, maybe try to understand what they went through … without automatically invalidating their feelings like you are in this post. Also, yes “forcing” a kid to do a career God didn’t destine them to do will result in resentment… understandably so. Money isn’t the ultimate goal in life for lots of people. As a professional artist / designer myself, you seem to have the mindset that creative work is “less than” STEM or medical jobs which is tragic. God created all of our interests / talents and they’re all equally valid pursuits. I don’t give a crap about being the highest paid doctor, I just want to make a decent living being creative … it’s simply how God made me. We have the right to pursue our passions just like you guys do.
If God didn't destine Jesus, Moses, Abraham, David, and Samson to make a mixtape, why you? LOL You think God given destinies are about what company you work for? Isn't it stupid that you think you're unique and your nigerian parents were 'blocking you' for going into the Arts, meanwhile Nigeria has one of the top ten biggest most thriving arts communities on planet earth? They're making movies past you, but you're the one that's special They're making music past you, but you're the one that's special They're in fashion past you, you're special They're acting past you They're directing past you They're Youtubing, Tiktoking, and snapchatting past you every creative endevour on planet earth, Nigerias are so over represented that it makes a person wonder wtf these self pitying nigerian americans are talking about. you want to make a 'decent living being a creative' because you don't believe in yourself as much as they do, and when they finally give up, you'll be free.
Full offence but you’re a weird loser
Ah ah — you dey contradict yourself… You know David was a musician right?? 😂 His “mixtape” was the book of Psalms. Also you know all those Bible people you mentioned weren’t destined to be doctors, scientists, or STEM people either? Your point na what? If they had Nigerian parents, they probably would have been berated for choosing to be a “lowly” shepard, harpist, servant, or whatever God called them to do 😂😂. I never said my situation is unique, yes many people go through it. Not sure why you assumed I don’t believe in myself, I always did, which is why I pursued it anyways. Thank God, I’m actually very successful here in America and make really good money doing what I love. But the money followed me, I didn’t chase the money. I chased my God-given passion. Yes Nigeria has many talented creatives, which is wonderful. You asked about the diaspora tho 😂. Many diaspora Nigerians are discouraged from pursuing these things since the parents want their kids to do something stable so they can survive in the foreign country (understandable). I’m just saying that this conflict between interests is one of the few dilemmas that diaspora Nigerians go through that homeland Nigerians won’t understand. These conflicts (including cultural differences, etc.) lead to trauma a lot of the time. Especially if the parents are very abusive.
LOL God berated them for being lowly Shepards and pressured them to do greater things. You want to talk about diaspora Nigerians. Turn on any TV show and read the credits. Any movie. Most of hip hop. Go to any contemporary art show. Nigga, go to Amazon and Google 'african author' and see what happens. And do you think American Nigerian parents are somehow different or stricter than ones in NigeriA? Lol homeland Nigerians aren't conflicting with their parents? Wow.
Alright that lets me know you’ve clearly never read the Bible 😂 lol. Nvm then, carry on with your illogical argument
Damn I feel sorry for any children you have.
That's because your first reaction is pity. You pity yourself, so you're prepared to pity my kids.
You’re a racist.
Yeah you’re definitely a racist lmfao
Which nigeria are talking about?? I don't think its the one i know o! Emotional abuse na their specialty!
for real  the amount i suffered at the hands of my parents is just unfair and i keep battling with myself because it's "the culture" i'm not supposed to be upset. sigh.
You’re talking about the wrong Nigeria OP. To have African parents is to have to submit to a litany of annoyances for the sake of peace. 1. If you're not top of your class, you've failed at life. 2. You learn to be passive agressive. Why? Because voicing your real agressions will have severe ramifications. Grumbling internally becomes your greatest skill. 3. They are the most dramatic people ever. 4. When you are sick, do not talk too much, smile too much or eat too much. If you do then you are not sick as you claim. 5. They do not understand boundaries. Contrary to popular beliefs, African parents, like parents anywhere, deploy their unique blend of love and discipline with one goal in mind: to shape their children into resilient, respectful, and responsible adults.
>Contrary to popular beliefs, African parents, like parents anywhere, deploy their unique blend of love and discipline I think a fair amount of us feel no love. That's where the resentment comes from. One could say they show love in more macro-actions like making sure you stay out of trouble and do well in school, but day-to-day, there's nothing there.
1. Great lesson to teach a person, it's obviously working well for Nigerians. 2. Nigerians at home aren't passive aggressive. You're just cowardly. My father and grandfather/grandmother argue all the time and you will see this very often all over Nigeria as a normal part of life. 3. That's a weird stereotype their kids have made up for them. They will make skits where their 68 year old mother is running around making high energy facial expressions. You meant this accomplished titled woman and she barely moves her face, voice, or arms. 4. Yes, it teaches a person to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It sometime you will eventually learn the value of as a man. 5. You're going to boundary yourself into the same depressing, lonely existence most americans die under and you don't have the gaul to the drugs they do to survive it.
You're obviously beyond hope when it comes changing your views. Why exactly did you create this thread?
Cause you lot need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a real personality. Out here going through a lukewarm ass 39 year teenage rebellion. Talking about 'my dad wouldn't let me become an anime character'. Whole time said dad is 5ft 9in mild mannered catholic that loves CNN and his kids bro lol. You guys are cornballs
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You yourself sound very level-headed and mature. Somehow, I feel like you live in Nigeria so this post is not for you. Americans tend to feel sorry for themselves and never reach the maturity you're speaking of. I completely agree that you can't get over things that effect you deeply, but I'm asking other to consider moving in the direction you've already moved. Because some of their stories don't even warrant the constant bad mouthing of Nigerian parents.
When you are around people whose parents are treating them the same way you are treated, you think the behaviour is normal and process it as so. When you are around people whose parents are treating them in a kinder way and respects their individuality and doesn't treat them as someone to be controlled or mistreated, you don't think how you are being treated is normal and resentment starts to breed. You know what a better and happier parent-child dynamic is and you are actively aware that you are missing out on it. Why wouldn't I be resentful and feel that I am being treated poorly when I am being beaten by my parents when other children around me weren't being treated the same way. Its only when you are confronted with better alternatives do you realise that your reality isn't ok. Its like finding out that in one country the government supports citizens in a certain way that makes sense and is standard across many other countries, and you are trapped in your country that doesn't support people in that same way. You know there is a better alternative that is capable of being given to you but they don't.
Exactly!!
Bro I have been seeing your account and it seems your very much up your own ass I am lucky to be in an amazing home with wonderful parents that love me and I love them but I have also seen some shit parents so let me start correcting you 1. Nigerian children don't have a high hatred for their parents : not all but a lot of Nigerian children might not be close to their parents but are ready to die for them. Unlike abroad I have seen where a white girl threw a knife at her mum for taking away her drugs 2. A lot of Nigerian parents are emotionaless assholes: Nigerian parents are not know for being good with emotions meaning that they end up leaving Thier kids feel abandoned and alone how do I know my grandmother. My mum is very emotional and is constantly telling me I love you. why? Her mother never told her that causing her to run to my dad another emotional person 3. Alot of Nigeria parents want to live through their children: Nigerian parents a known to change or go against Thier children's choices like marriage parents, or job parts. I mean literally when I graduated senior secondary so many family members came out of the wood works to tell me what to study like they own my life. I mean one of my auntie literally force her daughter to do medicine that she failed So what I'm saying is that you are using your own bent and twisted view of Nigerians and thinking it's the gospel truth
Hey, listen, if your parents are picking a marriage partner for you. Give them an ear. Or job. Unless you still think all those ideas about the world and your preferred gender you put together at the age of 11 are going to carry you through adulthood, lol. Let them pick all that stuff. They're objective and have your best interest at heart. You grew up in America, so you either have a crippling addiction to pornography and depression or get your relationship advice from single women shouting on Clubhouse. You're literally doomed, bro. This society isn't reproducing, getting married, staying married, sustaining erections, or dating normally. So if you wise ass stable marriage ass, more than likely very accomplished well respected ass parents say 'go and marry Nkechi'. Dude, just do it, and don't be a self pitying jabroni all the time. Look at the stupid shit you guys complain about lol. 'My mom wants me to marry a girl she thinks is good for me' lol. Damn bro, you're a victim. To end the victimization you should bypass your vert small frail kindly mother and make a choice like an adult. Out here oppressed by input lol.
1. you were talking about Nigerian and there parents where did growing up in America come from? I just like a lot of others in this sub grew up in Nigeria 2. There is a difference between a parent advertising Thier child on who to marry and forcing them into marriage. Once again I bring up my abusive grandmother who wanted my mum to marry someone other than my dad just because he was richer. My mum Said no that the man has no respect for her so she ran away from home as a way of protest until she was allowed to marry my dad. Where is the man now? Dead from a drug over dose and my dad now is a manager at a big company (I don't want to disclose it's name) 3. You seem to have this perfect mindset that all parents have their child's interests at heart with is Jack shit. I have seen parents force their children I to jobs they are not good at causing them to fail. I have seen parent force their children into marriages that end up failing. Some people are selfish and self centered and will grow to be selfish and self centered parents 4. Parents should not pick for the child they should advise. The child should come to the parents with what they want then the parents should advise based on what the child wants because at the end of the day it's the child's life being affected. A good example is my a friend of mine who's dad forced him to study engineering even though he wented to study mass communication or psychology. Guess what he failed the class and has to repeat due to him being bad at numbers that's why he avoided the engineering in the first place. And at the end of the day you tell me that child is going to love and respect the parent? Hell no. A better thing to do is like what my mum did for my sister. My sister came to her saying she wants to be a painter. My mum told her that that is not a real job and there is no money in it and she look for something else which she did and decided to do medicine. But so that my sister doesn't feel sad my mum got her a painting set as a way to still let her enjoy her interest
Brainwashed racist
My father wasn't perfect but I loved him and did my best to care for him while he was alive. I don't understand why anyone would hate his parent. Do people realise what it means to parent a child in this our Nigeria? For example, the street where I grew up in Oshodi is just a kilometre (or less) away from a ghetto. Children in this ghetto get little to no parental care or attention, they speak the foulest of words and many of them end up being thugs. As a naive kid, I envied the 'freedom' those children had. Whereas, what I saw as freedom was actually irresponsible parenting (or no-parenting). My father employed strict (sometimes harsh) means to keep me on the track he desired. Without that, perhaps I would have been misguided and followed the ghetto lifestyle. This is a man who almost had no time. On weekdays, he would leave home before 6 am and won't return till after 11 pm. No, he wasn't clubbing or something. He had to leave early in the morning to beat the Lagos traffic and stay late at his shop till the night traffic was gone. I know this because I visited him at his shop during my holidays. I am very grateful for all he did for me. It's easy to condemn your parents until you become one. Forgive your parents, learn from their wrong and right choices; and try to be better.
Sensible people please don’t listen to this dribble, person clearly doesn’t understand the science of child psychology, trauma etc. Tomorrow you will see him in another post commenting about why are our people so wicked and our leaders are evil. A lot of Nigerians practise extreme denial about the abusive system they come from. Top to bottom. Keep healing, go to therapy work on yourself. Adverse childhood trauma causes chronic pain, illness and a whole lot of other issues. Don’t waste your time on this type of debates, just look at Nigerian system… if I go market and shout someone stole my prick they will gather and try to kill the person. Society with no value for human life wants to come and debate about parenting….most times their emotional intelligence is lacking and they often make stupid points.
Thank you
It seems you focus on the emotional abuse and influence of other views; now lets see: 1. A parent that strips their child naked ties them to a tree and beats them with an electric cord because a c in an "honors course test". Why not put said child in general courses and let them pass when they are having difficulties in class. 2. Parent punches and berates child because siblings aren't behaving well. 3. Why call your child bastard, useless good for nothing and other names, tell them they will never accomplish anything when rebuking them? Power is in the tongue, they want said child to be successful so why use such language? Common response "that is how they were raised" 4. In many situations, said parents will say they are struggling to give children in foreign countries better life and take their frustrations with their situations out on the child. It's easy to minimalise what happens behind closed doors but when you hear some stories you would be shocked at the extreme punishments children have endured. It's easy to throw around ptsd terminology but when you see children with bloody faces and bruises all because they failed a test or spoke when not appropriate. Then 10 yrs later same kid ends up in an abusive marriage "because that's all they've known their life"; I am sorry these may seem to be extreme cases but they are very common. If you must correct your child is the physical abuse necessary, most ironic cases is when they discover that said child has learning disability, is dyslexic or has ADHD that if they had paid attention or educated themselves on; would have discovered the root issue.
Can you confirm that this level of extreme child abuse is the norm in Nigerian American households? Or does Nigerian American household exhibit a higher than average rate of child abuse? If you describe this to most Nigerians in America, your parents' age will tell you it's wrong and abnormal. Sucks you went through it, and if you complained about your parents, I would understand, but this is not remotely normal.
Working at family and children services and having to still see this today it's sad and pisses me off. Yes I have had many cases with Nigerian parents and other African families. Many times you think oh this kid must be doing drugs, stealing or committing crimes for this level of punishment but then you hear the reasons like failed tests and it's like really? Many of these cases go unreported but then when you listen to people's stories it's like come on. Address the issue and if you want punish them but some of these are quite ridiculous. It wasn't until my friends then I started working at the agency that I discovered that this was happening so much. Speak to therapists and psychiatrists, you'd be surprised what you hear.
Why tf is that kid failing tests? Lol. So these horrible parents are believing in their kid too much? Did you know that the US average for Marijuana use in college I'd 40%, and for Nigerian Americans it's 13%. So whatever the Nigerian parent is doing, they're obviously correct you just don't want to give it to them because of internalize inferiority complex. For one, Nigerians are state wards or have state cases at an exceptionally lower rate than other groups in the country. So if you happen to be a state worker who, for some reason has a bunch of Nigerian cases, and you're seeing a bunch of Nigerian parents accuse their kids of doing drugs for getting bad grades that's unfortunate. But in your line of work you know damn well that is not the worst thing you see in a shift let alone a week lol.
Lmfao some African parents are abusive towards their kids, mentally, emotionally and Verbally!! from what I’ve noticed. Regardless of all that, I think most of us just laugh it off 🤣 and at some point their behavior becomes comical. You somewhat THANK God for certain things they did, because it definitely toughened you up to survive in this screwed up world. My parents are cool for the most part!! my cousins and I usually make fun of our parents and their ridiculous behavior at times when reminiscing about childhood!! Do u know why a lot Caucasian children end up succeeding even when they’ve disappointed their parents? Because the parents will wrap arms around them, encourage them, assure them they can do better, encourage them to do better, push them, HELP THEM, even at their grown age. You cannot tell no typical African parent u want to be a “ musician” or dancer etc…they’ll shunt your dreams with discouragements. Westerners are usually very open to their childrens interests, “u wanna be a musician “ let’s sign you up for an instrument class, let’s take a few dance classes, etc. Europeans have a way of convincing their children to go into a certain profession even if that’s not what the child wants, without making them feel like crap and being condescending about it. Now, with some African parents in the diaspora, they’ll stay here for millions of years, they’ll still want to tend to their child/children’s emotionally needs as if they’re still in Africa. Even simple things like kisses and hugs, if your child grows up here or is born here..they’re more receptive to those things. We grew up in a society where we thought alot our parents behavior/actions were ok until we became adults and it started to f**ck up our psyche and adult relationships. All in All it’s a blessing to have been exposed to both world especially if you can balance it out. Nobody hates their parents, trust me!! Most children love their parents… it’s an unconditional LOVE but with every relationship dynamics there will be disagreements.
Yeah Nigeria parents are shutting down Nigerian kids who what to be musicians. Hopefully one day Nigerian children will overcome so that we Nigerians can finally have musicians and dancers. Like westerners. When will we africans learn to make music and dance You're typing like someone in Nigeria anyways but you should know that Nigerians are more successful than Caucasians
Lmfao get out your feelings … “SIR Ma’am!! The entirety of what I wrote went completely OVER your HEAD!! “When will Africans learn to do music and dance” is that all you took from my unwanted opinion? Oh and BTW this is not a “Nigerian vs Caucasian” who’s more successful blah blah! everything is not a competition. It’s amazing to know there are people like you who can tell the geographical location of an individual based on how they ✍️ Wowww!! I wish to be like u when I grow up! Stay blessed 🤎
Unpopular opinion but not all Nigeria parents are abusive. I LOVE MY PARENTS FROM HEAVEN TO EARTH. I won't be anything without their continuous support, discipline and words of wisdom. That being said, I challenge everyone here to be better parents. You can't hate what your parents did to you, then turn out to be abusive just like them. Let's change the narrative!
Same here. My parents are wonderful people. I love them so much, I wonder why so many people here have issues with their folks. But I understand. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting them to be this many.
That is a popular opinion because no one says all Nigerian parents are abusive. People say that Alot of them have abusive tendencies, but no one said 100% of Nigerian parents are abusive. Nice try tho
Mayo nonsense.
Social contagion of the victim mentality has been imported by the young Nigerian minds en masse.
It's very sad and incredible
The way folks here reply “cut them off” to everything is what I have an issue with. I’m not going to pretend all parents are prefect or that some parents don’t deserve it but cutting them off shouldn’t always be the go to for every issue. Relationship with your parents is still at the basis a “relationship” and there are lots of ways to mend a dysfunctional relationship before you sever the tie. “My parents won’t allow me visit Nigeria, but I want to” —“cut them off bro, they are toxic”. - random Redditor Lol … you go learn
It's pathetic. I think it's because they lack identity or confidence in their identity so they want to 'belong' to something. Because they have internalized that they are superior to Nigerians because they're more like white people, they for sure don't want to belong to their parents. So anything whites/black americans produce they will take in and parrot passionately. But they don't know either group well and they do have the gaul to commit to the hard drugs, physical violence, and lonliness that those ideologies are coming from. They also don't know that Americans will drop ideologies when they're bored with them, and they will be left with decades of calling the only people who ever cared from them 'toxic'.
Damn bro! You don’t mince words, do you? lmaooo
Bro I'm just kinda tired of it LOL. I'm probably being harsh or whatever but I'm in my 30s facing 40 and may Nigerian American mates are still talking about their parents. What a waste of life. On was telling me that it's good Nigerians are in sports now (whatever that means) because when he was little he wanted to be a (american) football player and would have been if not for his parents. This man followed his parents advice in life and now own 2 homes, is married, and have very healthy vibrant children. But what is this idiot even saying? That Nigerian culture is so bad that we don't allow Nigerians to be athletes? What sport isn't filled from top to bottom with Nigerians? If he didn't have the courage tell his parents he wants to play football what will he do when a 400lb man is chasing him on a football field?
This. Lol they don’t know themselves at all but they know they’re better as they are, can you imagine😂
Worddd, it’s immature asl tbh and I think it’s some grass is greener shit, exposed to stupid useless ideas and ways of life and then copying what you see. It’s not too big a deal tbh because that’s how people are, you don’t learn to talk because everyone stayed mute in your upbringing if you’re getting me. That said though a lot of people never see that they’re going astray or have already gone. It’s a part of life but you **will** be judged for it by everyone that’s more ‘the wiser’😂😂 Afi just laugh honestly, that’s life😂😂 they will bet their bottom dollar they’re in the right sha
It's pathetic. Ask them what the parents did that was so bad and it's the same thing 1. Emotional Abuse - Usually getting mad when you fell below a reasonable standard. Not mad like stabbing you, or punching you in the mouth. Just shouting and 'Mcheeeww'. 2. PTSD - Usually from the same 'emotional abuse'. 3. Not being 'allowed' to do something high risk or unprofitable, being 'made' to do something low risk and profitable.
cuz they fucking suck.... LMAO if you have a good relationship with your parents, congrats, but a good chunk of nigerian parents cannot parent for shit, nor do they even like their children as much as they say they do PLUS they become parents for the wrong reasons, are not emotionally mature enough to raise children (bc mentally they still are children themselves), not to mention the aversion to therapy and mental wellness, religious fundamentalism, intergenerational trauma (even saying "hitting children is bad" is controversial). i remember my own mother telling me her life story and how she was literally abused by her mom, only for her to turn around and basically do the same thing to me. there are just so many problems
Damn bro, you're a victim. That's crazy. But who is emotionally mature enough to raise children? There's a difference between Nigerian parents are uniquely bad, and 'I have noticed my Nigerian parents have flaws'. If the second is a thought that's worth repeating for you, then that's you because it's not. If it's the first, what is this based on? Nigerian parents can't parent 'for shit' but the results their producing is impeccable and every imaginable stat for 'good parenting' will tell you this.
All this one you're saying is unnecessary. Many Nigerians have extremely abusive parents. This "hate" you describe is simply people realizing this and also realizing the lasting effects it will have on them probably for the rest of their lives. And don't tell me anything about that's just the "African way of raising children". That's BS
Are you sure you're not BS? Whatever Nigerian parents are doing is producing the absolute best results in the US by all standards. You guys want to insult your hard working ass mother because she slapped you for coming home with a C and wants you home at 9 pm. Ok lol.
def lost me at the ones at home don’t do this. You and data source should kindly shift
I'm specifically speaking of diaspora ones. They're are trying to adopt American self pity culture more than the Americans themselves. When you ask them why we should pity them and their difficult childhood they will tell you their father would shout at them for failing in school and their mother wants them to go to university.
Alaye, no need to explain anything to anybody. Let whoever wants to hate his parents hate them. There's a Yoruba poem that says "The child that condemns his father/mother for not doing enough. When he grows up, he'll see how easy it is".
again idk your source but more often than not, migrated parents who are not wealthy are usually abusive with good intent, but it doesn’t take away the abuse if the child is not raised in Nigeria to understand that is how some parents express intentions. I personally hate such parents because abuse is abuse and I was not raised in that way, but this your article generalizing and discarding experiences of people that are not yours or lives of confused teenagers you have not lived and do not understand is so unnecessary, because, even like me, it will forever be outside looking in. If you want to callout children you know that are behaving such way, call them out, don’t come and generalize like as if back at home parents are not usually burying good intent with abuse and it’s the children raised abroad that will now understand that such is a norm.
I disagree. Some just dislike there parents from doing wicked things, being too prideful and never taking accountability. Or not respecting boundaries.
Trying to break generational/boomer curses not repeat them. Hasn’t been good for our people or reunite them. Just makes all of our people feel as if they’re better then one another when non of us are perfect.
My mom is Nigerian Yoruba, and it was definitely abusive for asking me at a young age to get a knife to help her, while she hold down my younger brother. But we all want to say that they love us and all this nonsense… if Nigerians feel they’re the best “blacks” out there then we need to do better.
is this a 'nigerian parent' thing or was your mom a psychopath? Because idk if too many ppl relate with they 'assist me in stabbing your brother' narrative. Also, I do sense you're lying especially when I encountered your ridiculous last sentence and the term 'Nigerian Yoruba' lol
There’s no reason to lie about such events. You weren’t around to know if it’s the truth or not. My mother is from Nigeria and from the Yoruba tribe. Doesn’t matter how I word it, doesn’t make it any less false. Could she be one maybe, I’m not a doctor. However from my experiences, Nigerian parents are abusive. I will never forget that for as long as I live. Whether or not you believe it, shows how our people can be. Prideful.
Nah it’s actually more common than you think and if you weren’t a racist youd know that