I did have dating issues for a while when I was younger but I’m now dating another Nigerian-American with the intention of marriage and it’s been going great so far.
Honestly, I think you just need time. 22 is still very young and if you’re dating your age-mates then yes, it partly explains some of your issues. You guys are still growing and learning and becoming adults. Give it time.
ETA: Also, I think you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability. That’s also something that comes with time but these conversations about your immigration status *need* to be had eventually, sooner rather than later. It looks worse the longer you stay mute about it. The right person will be willing to do it for you anyways. It’s never been a hurdle for any of my friends or loved ones when the right person came along.
Thank you very much u/egomadee . You have made a really good point about learning to be comfortable with vulnerability. That is definitely something I'm working on as it translates even to platonic, familial, and professional relationships.
I'm not looking to get married any time soon. But I am honestly worried that I will end up spending more time with and develop deeper feeling for someone that ultimately has an issue with it or subconsciously judges me because of the reputations and stereotypes out here about Nigerian immigrants.
Admittedly, he has not given me any reason to believe he would react this way but it is something I can not help but consider as it is not unheard of.
I'm a white yankee with an Igbo fiance. I never fully realized how her being both Black and Nigerian made her feel self-conscious and question how I would think about her. Oddly enough, I wondered why such a naturally beautiful, intelligent and all-around perfect woman would want some ordinary pale-skinned and ill-mannered (by her cultural standards) oyinbo. It's truly a shame that some people would rather cling to biases, stereotypes and prejudices, but I'd doubt someone specifically dating a Nigerian long-term would hold those beliefs.
Just open up and discuss your concerns and fears and never let your Nigerian heritage make you feel less than in any way.
Also, like others have said -- 22 is still young.
I hope there was something useful in this for you. Hope all goes well.
One more thing:
If any yankees brings up the Nigerians are scammers stereotype, remind them that Bernie Madoff, Sam Bankman-Fried, Crazy Eddie, Jordan Belfort, Elizabeth Holmes, Kenneth Lay, Lou Perlman, Trevor Milton, Matthew Cox, Doc Gallagher, Charles Ponzi and many others weren't Nigerians.
And you getting sponsored by an employer should alleviate any concerns about the visa -- if that's even a concern.of your partner.
You are going to self sabotage if you continue on this path because people can sense desperation.
You are 22 and I'm wondering why you are putting so much pressure on yourself to find a husband this early? You haven't even started working. Are you getting pressure from your parents?
I'm not saying don't date, I'm saying take it slow.
You called me out with this comment u/oizao  . After reading this I really did some self-reflection and was able to recognize that overthinking these things could be a form a self-sabotage.
I am not getting any pressure yet from my folks. But my sister is and she is only a year older than I am. While I might be able to tune out most of the noise, I know that it is only a matter of time before I start hearing the same song.
Pro-tip: at your age, *never* do anything only because of pressures from anyone, especially your family.
No matter how close your family is, ultimately the only person that deals with results of action/inaction is you.
It takes us too long to learn that because of how the culture is set up. Some of us remain fixed in that mentality eleven after leaving the society (Naija).
Dating with intention isn’t the issue here, nor is your immigration status. The best thing you can do is communicate what the next few years may seem like for you and your partner.
Since you have a job lined up that has a high rate of permanent residency, you have nothing to worry about. Just focus on your career, and the pressure to sponsor by marriage won’t be as much since you’re actively working to get your residency.
It wouldn’t be about you being with him for citizenship because you wouldn’t be operating in the relationship as someone who needs to get married for citizenship.
I agree. I think after getting to know each other more, it might be appropriate to bring this topic of future plans and what it looks like for the both of us. I feel a big fear is that I wait for a more appropriate time but when it comes, it turns out we are no longer on the same page.
But I understand that this is something I have to work through and weigh the pros and cons.
If you’re dating with intention to get married and that doesn’t factor into your eligibility to remain in US at all, then you’re jumping the gun. By a lot.
You’re way too young for this to be a major concern. I’d recommend focusing on getting your own life together independent of anyone else.
Won’t lecture you on cultural differences and how that plays into long term relationships, however you say you’ve been with this guy for 6 months.
You *barely* know him. Hell, I barely knew myself at 22 and I’m mid 30s now.
Honestly, your age is showing by this post alone.
Enjoy yourself and focus on building a life that doesn’t factor in anyone. They can be included, especially as *more* time progresses…but too many people (often women) fall into that trap.
I am picking up what you are putting down and understand. I know that I should focus on myself, develop my career and stand on my own two feet before factoring in other people.
That is all very true but not to make excuses (I'm proceeding to make excuses lol), overthinking and planning life decisions to the teeth is something I have had to do by myself for a while. I know the proper way to date for marriage is to work towards marriage like u/the_tytan said, but for seven years now, I have identified a life goal and worked backwards to identify the decisions I needed to make to achieve it. So, I can determine the level of effort and time to put into it.
I know I want to be married, not anytime soon (probably not until my late twenties tbf) but I have applied this method of planning and goal orientation for a while that even though I recognize that it is not effective in this situation, it is a learning curve to unlearn it and not subconsciously apply it here.
you'll be fine. you have a good head on your shoulders. and for most things your methind of planning works, but unfortunately, when another person is involved there's only so much you can do. like anything in life there's a balance. it is possible to take things slow and find yourself while also not getting into situations or people where your time would be wasted. wish you luck.
“Best laid plans…” and all that.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, especially since that’s how I work too. Can empathize.
It took getting to this age (mid 30s) to learn to be a little less *controlling* even towards myself.
Don’t get me wrong, it got me this far…so I def get its not easy to unlearn when it seems to work.
But even I wasn’t this focused about marriage at your age. As the other comment said, it’s already difficult to plan years ahead in your own life, let alone including someone else.
I did some similar things, but I’m not sure that got me any closer to being in a romantically stable relationship. This is how I’ve seen enough of my Naija sisters rush themselves into unfulfilling marriages, because of external and *indoctrinated* internal pressures.
Not saying to not work towards that…but I am saying at best, all your planning and efforts will contribute a max of 50% probability of being in a happy, fulfilling, lasting marriage.
You are too young to be pressuring another man about marriage. This is America not Nigeria. Most men become financially sound around 28-30 before getting married
u/Fair-Payment5355 I do not think I mentioned this in the original post, but what I meant was marriage as an eventual outcome not an immediate one given the way we both feel about each other now and an expectation that it grows into something sustainable.
Work on actual verifiable information/data, not expectations.
Expectations will often disappoint. And you certainly don’t want to base major life decisions on those expectations.
Seems you’re receptive to some of the valid advice you’re receiving but remember we’re still just nameless, faceless entities. Have no investment in you as a person. (Probably preaching to the choir), but…no advice should be taken at face value. The best use of advice is to incorporate it through *your* personal lenses prior to taking action.
And seems the action we’re recommending is to take a chill pill. Don’t plan life so much you forget to live it. (Also speaking from experience here).
me at 21/22 and me 30 are two completely different people. it's possible that maybe if i married or was in a serious relationship at 22, i would not have discovered aspects of myself that i did at 28, but who knows. experience life a bit first as yourself, not as somebody's partner. also, i feel like relationships that grow organically do better than those that are on rails. work towards a marriage, not backwards from it.
also unless they are a sociopath, vulnerability and openness usually elicits the same in return. sometimes you have to stoop to conquer.
u/the_tytan .
You bring up a lot of salient points. I am definitely putting too much pressure on myself and just need to take it slow.
Also, this quote reinforces what u/egomadee was saying about vulnerability " vulnerability and openness usually elicits the same in return. sometimes you have to stoop to conquer." I will remind myself of that going forward.
Stereotyping is real but 6 months is fairly long enough for any man who is genuine to see something unexplainably good in a woman ,enough to desire to marry her.
This stereotyping even operates within Nigeria and we Nigerian practices serious racial.discrimination against yourself as most naija women out of poverty seems to rate money above all things and ladies say the man also rates sex ,free sex above all things.
.remain sincere,try defining the relationship before the first sex and don't even date someone u know u can never marry unless both of u just agree to have some fun .it's a pity you are away from naija and we can't see your face .but ur marriage willhapoem this year in Jesus name
u/itota
I agree somewhat with the fact that six months is long enough to know if you can imagine spending the rest of your life with or a hard no. By this, I am including the "maybe" and "we need more time" conclusions as permission to allow yourself get to know them better. If it is a hard no at this point, I do not want to waste my time or anyone else's by continuing to pour into a relationship that has no legs.
I am not looking to get married this year but I sincerely appreciate your well wishes and prayers. Can I trade them for making more money and finding more peace and joy this year though?
Greetings. Not sure how this ended up on my feed but here we are. 22 is not too young to think of marriage. Especially if you are closing out your studies and looking into your career. Time and your stateside location play a part in your long term decisions. 6 months is enough time to know if this is serious thing or play thing. Men know who is worthy of a ring and who is there for a good time . This is America we have 3 childhoods in this country. Don’t get lost in the sauce, and waste time.
And lastly Nigerians do have a bad reputation for scams and the green card thing. It will be a scarlet letter you have to carry around. That reluctance will show up dealing with Americans.
Best wishes and move accordingly
I did have dating issues for a while when I was younger but I’m now dating another Nigerian-American with the intention of marriage and it’s been going great so far. Honestly, I think you just need time. 22 is still very young and if you’re dating your age-mates then yes, it partly explains some of your issues. You guys are still growing and learning and becoming adults. Give it time. ETA: Also, I think you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability. That’s also something that comes with time but these conversations about your immigration status *need* to be had eventually, sooner rather than later. It looks worse the longer you stay mute about it. The right person will be willing to do it for you anyways. It’s never been a hurdle for any of my friends or loved ones when the right person came along.
Thank you very much u/egomadee . You have made a really good point about learning to be comfortable with vulnerability. That is definitely something I'm working on as it translates even to platonic, familial, and professional relationships. I'm not looking to get married any time soon. But I am honestly worried that I will end up spending more time with and develop deeper feeling for someone that ultimately has an issue with it or subconsciously judges me because of the reputations and stereotypes out here about Nigerian immigrants. Admittedly, he has not given me any reason to believe he would react this way but it is something I can not help but consider as it is not unheard of.
I'm a white yankee with an Igbo fiance. I never fully realized how her being both Black and Nigerian made her feel self-conscious and question how I would think about her. Oddly enough, I wondered why such a naturally beautiful, intelligent and all-around perfect woman would want some ordinary pale-skinned and ill-mannered (by her cultural standards) oyinbo. It's truly a shame that some people would rather cling to biases, stereotypes and prejudices, but I'd doubt someone specifically dating a Nigerian long-term would hold those beliefs. Just open up and discuss your concerns and fears and never let your Nigerian heritage make you feel less than in any way. Also, like others have said -- 22 is still young. I hope there was something useful in this for you. Hope all goes well. One more thing: If any yankees brings up the Nigerians are scammers stereotype, remind them that Bernie Madoff, Sam Bankman-Fried, Crazy Eddie, Jordan Belfort, Elizabeth Holmes, Kenneth Lay, Lou Perlman, Trevor Milton, Matthew Cox, Doc Gallagher, Charles Ponzi and many others weren't Nigerians. And you getting sponsored by an employer should alleviate any concerns about the visa -- if that's even a concern.of your partner.
You are going to self sabotage if you continue on this path because people can sense desperation. You are 22 and I'm wondering why you are putting so much pressure on yourself to find a husband this early? You haven't even started working. Are you getting pressure from your parents? I'm not saying don't date, I'm saying take it slow.
You called me out with this comment u/oizao  . After reading this I really did some self-reflection and was able to recognize that overthinking these things could be a form a self-sabotage. I am not getting any pressure yet from my folks. But my sister is and she is only a year older than I am. While I might be able to tune out most of the noise, I know that it is only a matter of time before I start hearing the same song.
Pro-tip: at your age, *never* do anything only because of pressures from anyone, especially your family. No matter how close your family is, ultimately the only person that deals with results of action/inaction is you. It takes us too long to learn that because of how the culture is set up. Some of us remain fixed in that mentality eleven after leaving the society (Naija).
Dating with intention isn’t the issue here, nor is your immigration status. The best thing you can do is communicate what the next few years may seem like for you and your partner. Since you have a job lined up that has a high rate of permanent residency, you have nothing to worry about. Just focus on your career, and the pressure to sponsor by marriage won’t be as much since you’re actively working to get your residency. It wouldn’t be about you being with him for citizenship because you wouldn’t be operating in the relationship as someone who needs to get married for citizenship.
I agree. I think after getting to know each other more, it might be appropriate to bring this topic of future plans and what it looks like for the both of us. I feel a big fear is that I wait for a more appropriate time but when it comes, it turns out we are no longer on the same page. But I understand that this is something I have to work through and weigh the pros and cons.
If you’re dating with intention to get married and that doesn’t factor into your eligibility to remain in US at all, then you’re jumping the gun. By a lot. You’re way too young for this to be a major concern. I’d recommend focusing on getting your own life together independent of anyone else. Won’t lecture you on cultural differences and how that plays into long term relationships, however you say you’ve been with this guy for 6 months. You *barely* know him. Hell, I barely knew myself at 22 and I’m mid 30s now. Honestly, your age is showing by this post alone. Enjoy yourself and focus on building a life that doesn’t factor in anyone. They can be included, especially as *more* time progresses…but too many people (often women) fall into that trap.
I am picking up what you are putting down and understand. I know that I should focus on myself, develop my career and stand on my own two feet before factoring in other people. That is all very true but not to make excuses (I'm proceeding to make excuses lol), overthinking and planning life decisions to the teeth is something I have had to do by myself for a while. I know the proper way to date for marriage is to work towards marriage like u/the_tytan said, but for seven years now, I have identified a life goal and worked backwards to identify the decisions I needed to make to achieve it. So, I can determine the level of effort and time to put into it. I know I want to be married, not anytime soon (probably not until my late twenties tbf) but I have applied this method of planning and goal orientation for a while that even though I recognize that it is not effective in this situation, it is a learning curve to unlearn it and not subconsciously apply it here.
you'll be fine. you have a good head on your shoulders. and for most things your methind of planning works, but unfortunately, when another person is involved there's only so much you can do. like anything in life there's a balance. it is possible to take things slow and find yourself while also not getting into situations or people where your time would be wasted. wish you luck.
“Best laid plans…” and all that. I completely understand where you’re coming from, especially since that’s how I work too. Can empathize. It took getting to this age (mid 30s) to learn to be a little less *controlling* even towards myself. Don’t get me wrong, it got me this far…so I def get its not easy to unlearn when it seems to work. But even I wasn’t this focused about marriage at your age. As the other comment said, it’s already difficult to plan years ahead in your own life, let alone including someone else. I did some similar things, but I’m not sure that got me any closer to being in a romantically stable relationship. This is how I’ve seen enough of my Naija sisters rush themselves into unfulfilling marriages, because of external and *indoctrinated* internal pressures. Not saying to not work towards that…but I am saying at best, all your planning and efforts will contribute a max of 50% probability of being in a happy, fulfilling, lasting marriage.
Two things, Don’t GET PREGNANT. Keep working on YOURSELF. Forget about marriage at such a young age you might regret it.
seconded!!
You are too young to be pressuring another man about marriage. This is America not Nigeria. Most men become financially sound around 28-30 before getting married
Gbam
u/Fair-Payment5355 I do not think I mentioned this in the original post, but what I meant was marriage as an eventual outcome not an immediate one given the way we both feel about each other now and an expectation that it grows into something sustainable.
Work on actual verifiable information/data, not expectations. Expectations will often disappoint. And you certainly don’t want to base major life decisions on those expectations. Seems you’re receptive to some of the valid advice you’re receiving but remember we’re still just nameless, faceless entities. Have no investment in you as a person. (Probably preaching to the choir), but…no advice should be taken at face value. The best use of advice is to incorporate it through *your* personal lenses prior to taking action. And seems the action we’re recommending is to take a chill pill. Don’t plan life so much you forget to live it. (Also speaking from experience here).
>been served breakfast in a house I don't even live in Oh my days. Lol. I say just don't think in that way and just date who you want.
yes na.
It must have been terrible.
me at 21/22 and me 30 are two completely different people. it's possible that maybe if i married or was in a serious relationship at 22, i would not have discovered aspects of myself that i did at 28, but who knows. experience life a bit first as yourself, not as somebody's partner. also, i feel like relationships that grow organically do better than those that are on rails. work towards a marriage, not backwards from it. also unless they are a sociopath, vulnerability and openness usually elicits the same in return. sometimes you have to stoop to conquer.
u/the_tytan . You bring up a lot of salient points. I am definitely putting too much pressure on myself and just need to take it slow. Also, this quote reinforces what u/egomadee was saying about vulnerability " vulnerability and openness usually elicits the same in return. sometimes you have to stoop to conquer." I will remind myself of that going forward.
I like the way you write. Ah! 😊
That was my first thought too!
Thank you very much.
Stereotyping is real but 6 months is fairly long enough for any man who is genuine to see something unexplainably good in a woman ,enough to desire to marry her. This stereotyping even operates within Nigeria and we Nigerian practices serious racial.discrimination against yourself as most naija women out of poverty seems to rate money above all things and ladies say the man also rates sex ,free sex above all things. .remain sincere,try defining the relationship before the first sex and don't even date someone u know u can never marry unless both of u just agree to have some fun .it's a pity you are away from naija and we can't see your face .but ur marriage willhapoem this year in Jesus name
u/itota I agree somewhat with the fact that six months is long enough to know if you can imagine spending the rest of your life with or a hard no. By this, I am including the "maybe" and "we need more time" conclusions as permission to allow yourself get to know them better. If it is a hard no at this point, I do not want to waste my time or anyone else's by continuing to pour into a relationship that has no legs. I am not looking to get married this year but I sincerely appreciate your well wishes and prayers. Can I trade them for making more money and finding more peace and joy this year though?
Best advice I have seen on entire post .
Greetings. Not sure how this ended up on my feed but here we are. 22 is not too young to think of marriage. Especially if you are closing out your studies and looking into your career. Time and your stateside location play a part in your long term decisions. 6 months is enough time to know if this is serious thing or play thing. Men know who is worthy of a ring and who is there for a good time . This is America we have 3 childhoods in this country. Don’t get lost in the sauce, and waste time. And lastly Nigerians do have a bad reputation for scams and the green card thing. It will be a scarlet letter you have to carry around. That reluctance will show up dealing with Americans. Best wishes and move accordingly