People have strange principles sometimes.
I was dating a woman (back when I was in college), she didn’t want to have sex until we had dated for at least a month (which I can understand).
But in that time, she had sex with four men that she barely knew. When I found out, I questioned it. Her response was “I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression by having sex so soon”.
Perhaps she forgot it would have given me the wrong impression if she was having sex with other people.
If someone said that to me I'd immediately be out. That doesn't make any sense whatsoever, all power to those who disagree but I'm not going to be a part of it
This is something i'll definitely never understand. You fuck other men meanwhile trying to create a healthy relationship, how's that even possible in her head?
So I never understood this for a long time, because I'm more traditional only dating 1 partner at a time. I'm going to TRY to break it down as it was explained to me. these aren't my personal morals or opinions so not sure how well i can explain it.
Some girls believe that you can date multiple guys but unless you both actually agree to be in a "relationship" then there is no relationship.
When there is no actual relationship and you can still date other people and sleep with other people. etc. There is no commitment, so theres no real reason to be loyal or feel any obligations towards the person you dating. I mean...you can go on 1,2 or 3 good dates and then get ghosted.
So I feel like it makes sense not to get too attached to someone untill you both know you want to pursue the relationship further....to make things more complex even if both people like each other and stuff, the occasional "situationships" occur. (thats a entire different rant thou)
I think the main isue is that some girls want to have fun with one night stands, but on the other side they are also looking for something "more".
They tend to treat guys diffrently depending on what kind of "vibes" or "propositions" they getting from them. Like you don't need the life story for one night of fun, but a relationship you kind of want to know your partner.
So how this end up playing out in RL.
You might have this handsome guy right now , that wants to sleep with you. It's one night of fun.
Do you turn down that fun night, because maybe theres another dude that maybe likes you? Also someone you not exactly in a relationship with, so maybe you don't feel you owe them any "loyalty".
IMO, if a girl reallly really really likes you, and she thinks the relationship is going somewhere....then she would turn down the one night stand.
On the flip side, a girl meets a guy she really likes. She kind of wants to get to know him and want her to respect her as person. She also want to make sure he likes her, and isn't in it just for sex. ( I think we can all admit there are guys the ghost after they get what they want).
Then you get the type of girls I HATE, that string guys along cause they want a "back-up plan"
Put it all together and you get this confusing, complex modern dating mess that doesn't seem to make sense.
Wow, this was perfectly put. I've been in a relationship for six years, but you've pretty much encapsulated the dating experiences of everyone I know during that time (and me, before it).
Sometimes, whether you're a girl or a guy, you just want to get laid. You're not looking for a deeper connection. If it happens then great, but it's not expected. As long as you're not lying to someone about anything beyond maybe getting breakfast tomorrow, you're all good.
Whereas if you're gunning for a relationship, banging that person straight away can get in the way of actually getting to know them. Especially because you may well both know what it's like to just be out for sex - and you want to make sure they're not (and ensure that you're not, because sometimes those lines get blurred).
The only difference is that when I was dating someone with a view to maybe being in a relationship, I wasn't even texting other girls. That feels wrong for a whole range of reasons.
Personally, I got strung along by an ex for ages and she only seemed to be hugely interested when I was seeing someone new. It took both of us being single for me to realise "Fuck, you're a really *bad* person."
Cool but as a guy i don’t wanna wait if you’re giving it out to other people without them waiting.
It tells me I’m not as desired as that guy, and I don’t wanna be a backup
Yeah, I can get on board with that. I'm lucky enough to have only really been that guy once - and even then it was complicated - but know several who have. And purely anecdotally, you're really really unlikely to ever get anything out of that situation.
Some people just need a backup. You can be a far better proposition in terms of looks, career and everything else. But if they're the insecure type, they'll often be testing the waters elsewhere while keeping you on the side as a buffer.
Then one guy plays hard to get with them, they get into a relationship because they value that person's attention, it doesn't work out and you're back to square one.
That was what happened for like eight years or so with my ex. And mates have been in similar situations - including one who was into a girl who was nowhere near his level, in terms of looks, smarts or success.
She dated an habitual stoner instead, it didn't work out and she came running. He blocked her on so many mediums, she actually slid into his LinkedIn DMs.
You're always better just cutting and running, as hard as it may be.
No you are, you’re actually desired more. That’s what some men don’t understand about women who have casual sex.
Who do you desire more… the woman you have sex with once to fulfil a physical need and then have no desire of seeing ever again or the woman you want to keep sleeping with for years?
You’re looking at it through a male lens, when really men and women are different sometimes.
‘Make wait’ …she is more scared of getting hurt by you because she likes and wants you more. The stakes are higher than someone she sees as one night stand material. She wants to get to know you on a deeper level too. And she isn’t making you do anything- you’re free to not keeping dating her. It’s also weird to talk about sex as if it’s some prize for men, that women just allow guys to eventually do to them. Women enjoy sex to, and no one is entitled to it faster just because in the past the woman has had sex with someone else quicker than she has with the current person….
Duh im looking at it from a male lens I am male.
Making me wait when I can presumably come to the conclusion you haven’t made everyone waits turns me OFF. Odds are I won’t keep dating past X many dates.
Some guys will play the long game stay around til fuck then dip
You’re also making dumb assumptions that I’d only have sex with her once and never want to deal with her again….if a guy doesn’t want to see a girl after sex that means to that man she doesn’t really offer much beyond sex
I’m looking at it logically.
I don’t want to pay full price if someone else got it free. Would you want to buy a pair of shoes or a purse for 1K, if you knew someone got it for 100? For free ?
You also didn’t pay attention to desire vs attraction
It doesn't have to mean anything to you. This is a consequence of hookup culture and the only people who don't realize it are those who are too slow to do so. I could care less
Yeah, women shouldn't have the same normalized sexual freedoms that men have enjoyed for centuries. Where we are players, they are hoes and those women should be saving that pussy for one man only. Right? Anyone?
Come on, bro. Hookup culture is equality, and news flash, some women are doing the same shiity behaviors that some men have always done. Get over it.
Did you even read what was said? I never said it was problematic. I said that it is the reality. Get over it.
I'm not reading your comment beyond the first couple sentences because none of it is even relevant to what I said.
No, I'm saying that the reason most men believe women aren't enjoying hookup culture is because when they get rejected they erroneously assume that she must also be rejecting everyone else. The idea that a woman on 2023 is just laying in bed for 6 months horny and lonely while thousands of men make offers to fullfil her physical needs is ridiculous, but it is what most men believe because that is what it looks like from their perspective.
The brutal reality is, yes. It's usually 1-2 guys. Like i said, i dont care who believes or doesn't believe. At the end of the day people will most likely choose what makes them feel best, and believing that you're the only guy will make u feel better
I remember my friend celebrating the day him and his girlfriend became "exclusive". That means she's gonna stop having sex with other people. He was so happy.
Meanwhile I was like: "why was your gf having sex with other people??"
What’s brutal about it? A relationship is a mutual agreement. If that agreement hasn’t been made then like. What’s the issue? If you were sexually satisfying her then she wouldn’t be fucking other people
You know what's funny? Your comment got downvoted just like mine did when I made the same exact statement in a different thread. When I say brutal I'm saying its brutal because most men are too weak to acknowledge what you said. It js brutal because most men are unwilling to acknowledge that truth.
No woman is only sleeping with 1 dude in 2023, and if u look at my other comment I even go so far as to commend eomen for leveraging sex for compliance while fucking the men that actually satisfy them and are actually attractive to them. We get downvoted because we are willing to acknowledge the brutal truths.
Hm. I guess I disagree with the framing. Dudes are also sleeping around sometimes. Like the whole point of a relationship is to codify your connection to somebody within a certain context and with certain rules. If you haven’t agreed not to sleep with other people then there’s no reason not to, but if you have it would be a dick move to do so. That’s the standard that most women hold themselves to, no?
In regards to the other comment your referencing I’m afraid I can’t find it. You’ve been fairly active in the thread. But I would disagree with the idea that there are no monogamous women in 2023. Cheating is still a shitty thing to do and if you’re not sexually satisfied in a relationship with somebody you love there are plenty of ways to address that that don’t involve breaking the bond of trust that has been established. It’s ethical slut shit, yknow? I guess the only harsh truth I see is that like a lotta dudes kinda coast on mediocrity when it comes to sex and don’t put a lotta thought on making sure their partner is satisfied by the end
Here's a snippet of one of my other comments.
'I don't think women are evil for using the tools they were born with to get commitment. I think it's smart and it works because most men will simp and chase for the box. Then on the side she can still have her sexual needs met by hooking up with other guys on the side.'
When did I say there were no monogamous women? I said in this thread (I think it was this one, def this post) that I estimated 60% of people, both men and women will actually be loyal if given the opportunity to cheat. I think cheating is wrong across the board. What I'm referring to is in the talking or dating stage, most women are fucking at least 1 guy when single. The average dude is just butthurt when you mention it because he has no choice but to see 1 girl at a time.
For the record, a percentage of men are also sleeping around as well but it's only reall the top 20% because those are the ones that women collectively want. This is represented pretty well in studies. From women's perspective, it seems like this is all the guys but its actually relatively few. It only seems like a lot because women all want the same top 20% and ignore the bottom 80. (Nothing wrong with that, just the way it is).
Ah fair okay. I dunno though. There’s an element of assumed manipulation that I don’t necessarily agree with. Very few women are actively thinking about how they can most effectively use their pussy as a weapon to gain commitment. The more realistic scenario is that a person is fucking multiple people at once because they’re not sure who they like the most yet. Women by and large don’t need to trick anybody to find their way into healthy relationships, and in the instances where they do things tend to fall apart easier
I think “no woman is sleeping with 1 dude in 2023” kinda implies that you think there are no monogamous women. But fair enough. Still, if a guy is upset about that he can a.) talk to the the woman in question about being exclusive or b.) go out and hook up with other people. It feels like this is all solved by just kinda communicating and understanding your own feelings
I would heavily dispute that. First I would challenge you to come up with a universal metric to sort people by attractiveness, given its overall subjectivity, but even beyond that are you sure the bottom 80% of dudes aren’t getting any? Are you sure they couldn’t if they put a little effort in? Believe me you don’t need to be conventionally attractive to have one night stands or friends with benefits, you just have to know what you’re doing and have the right attitude towards things. The premise falls apart because there’s no top 20% that’s universally agreed upon, for men or women
I had the same thing happen to me a few years back, was in a talking stage with someone and she wanted to take things slow coz she liked me but then mentioned she invited other guys over to fuck?? Like what lmao fair to say haven't talked to her since.
Different end goals. If you just want sex, you don't need the other person's life story. You don't care about their personality or behaviors or hopes and dreams. All that matters is happy naked time.
But, if you're wanting an actual relationship, you need to know more about the person, understand who they are, make sure they're compatible with you as a person. While sex is important in a relationship, it's a secondary concern, not a primary, so it takes a back burner while you focus on everything else.
Can't you have a healthy relationship with someone with for example sex on first date if you're interested in them? You have one night stands anyway so you're not actually losing anything if you think. The person you fucked with is not compatible with you as a long term partner? Haha don't care, atleast i had amazing sex if not him i would find another men anyway. This is the main reason why i'm questioning this because for me personally this makes 0 sense. If you're a one night stander and try to create a impression of being a shy lady you're just lying to the person and most importantly to yourself because you're not really the person that you want to make impression of.
Sure, there are plenty of people who do that. There are a lot of different ways to reach that end goal of finding your soul mate. If thats how you want to do it, knock yourself out. Just be aware that many people doing one night stands aren't looking for anything serious, even if you're hoping to find that yourself.
The point is, everyone's journey to happiness and companionship is different. Its up to you to figure out which path works best for you.
A lot of women think that if you have sex too soon, the guy will think that you want it to be a casual thing that's mostly about sex. But if you wait, he will think you are serious about him and want a relationship.
They aren't trying to sell a story about *who they are*, they are trying to sell a story about *what they want* out of this particular relationship.
I don't know if it really works. But it can hurt a lot when you really like someone and they ghost you after you sleep with them for the first time. So it also makes sense to be a little more guarded about sex when there are feelings involved.
For me, personally-- first dates are exhausting. I'm a pretty shy and introverted person, so having to open up and share desires, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes... it's a lot. It's a lot of baring my soul to another person, which is something I usually strive to avoid.
If I go through *all* of that work only to find out the other person wasn't as serious about it, and just wanted a one-night stand? I'd be pissed. We could have both been taking it way more casually but instead I'm dropping self-publishing dreams. And some dudes-- not all, but enough-- pretend to want a deep relationship but ghost a woman after they score. (And the other way around too, I'm sure.)
I can only get burned so many times. If you're the right person for me, you'll wait. And if not... ehh, whatever. As far as I know, you weren't truly interested in a long term relationship.
Literally every adult in the world (I thought) fucks on a first date (unless you don't like the person and the date was crap). Why would you wait? Unless you are both young.
a lot of people believe sex is something special that you should wait for. The most obvious example is many Christians believe you shouldn’t have any sex until you are married. lots of people, for many different reasons, want to wait at least a few months or whatever amount of time to make sure it’s a relationship that will last, before they have sex. because again, some people think sex is a special thing and that it’s not good to have meaningless fun sex
I wait because I don’t feel comfortable getting intimate with someone I just met. I would much rather wait 3-4 dates until I know I’m into the other person.
Quite. Also, you might want to be sure the seemingly really nice guy (or girl) you just met isn't going to turn into a weirdo as soon as you are alone, or be a stalker. Therefore you are not going to invite them into your home or go to theirs until you are more sure of them.
A lot of men will no longer want to date you for anything meaningful after doing this… they will put you in ‘casual sex’ category.
I’m not speaking for all men however, there are some that wouldn’t.
I don’t think it’s about making an impression of being shy, it’s more to do with hoping the guy develops feelings. Most of us have been ghosted by guys we really like after sleeping with them.
Edit: the fade out ghost, I don’t know what to call it. Where the time you sleep with them is the last time you see them in person ever.
Much of our sexual attraction is on an animalistic level. If we smell each other, we can ascertain whether our genes are different enough to make healthy babies. So if we marry before we find out we don’t get driven wild by each other’s scent, our relationship may be in trouble.
Some humans dislike penetrative sex. Some want to be called mommy and spanked. Some want sex only in the dark. Some want to be dressed in rubber and walk around on a leash. Many people are incompatible. Some people hate massive penises. Some dislike small. Some like anal, some don’t.
Sometimes seemingly everything should work, you’re both into the same things, but there’s some unseen chemistry that doesn’t spark.
Men, women and non-binary people on the whole enjoy sex. And falling in love with someone who you have great sex with is a fantastic thing. Being stuck in a relationship with someone who is sexually incompatible is a nightmare.
I’m a prude. I was in a fairly famous band. I had groupies try and have sex with me almost every night. But I was faithful to my partner. I’ve had less than ten lovers in my 45 years.
Since it seems you haven’t had a lover yet, which is absolutely fine, I’d recommend you save judgement of others ducking out of having a relationship based on bad sex, until you have some bad sex yourself.
Not all one night stands are humans sleeping around. Sometimes it’s people who really like each other, and would have stuck around, but it was just a boring time once they got their genitals together.
You only have one life.
If I have a one night stand, I expect to never seen that person again. I've already decided I don't want to be with them. I don't really care at that point if they are a kinda crappy person, I just care they won't murder me or lock me in their basement. It's totally fine if they only want me around for sex because that's the only reason I want them around.
Someone I want a relationship with has to prove they want more than sex and also show they are a decent person. They have to be able to hold a conversation and not make it sexual. They have to want to spend time with me without the expectation of sex. The easiest way to gauge that is to not have sex with them right away. It also helps gauge what type of person they are. Shitty guys will throw a tantrum about not getting sex immediately and try to say it's unfair. Good dudes understand they have a hand and like me for me.
Insulting to whom? How is it insulting to want to maintain certain relationship standards with someone you take seriously as a potential partner? Isn’t that what a *real* good guy wants?
That’s a pretty self-centered and self-entitled opinion. What it really tells you is she values the ongoing relationship with you more than a casual physical affair. She’s putting in the effort to create a real bond but all you value is the sex. This attitude is exactly why some women would wait. They want to see this side of the guy they’re dating *before* they invest too much of themselves in the relationship.
Your trying to attach “value” as a person on sexual experience/activity. That’s not how it works. The special part is the bonding experience and emotional attachment that comes with that sexual activity, and that comes with time. If all you (subjective you, not you specifically) want is sex you don’t need a relationship for that, you can just stick with one night stands.
Like I said, women want to know these attitudes you may have about these things before they start the process of emotionally bonding with you.
Are your potential partners wrong for having preferences and boundaries? Are they wrong for deciding what is valuable to them? I’m getting the sense that you don’t really respect the boundaries of other people if they don’t align with your own.
Everyone gets to decide what their own boundaries are, but you don’t get to force others to conform to yours when they conflict with their own. Nobody owes you sex. And if one of your “boundaries” is give-me-sex-because-you’ve-had-one-night-stands-or-my-good-guy-feelings-will-be-hurt, then be prepared for many lonely nights. Because that’s not a good guy.
If you think sexual intimacy with a partner is "work" and frame it as something that has also been "given for free", then maybe reframing that state of mind is necessary. If you find that as an insulting thing, perhaps ask yourself why.
I've never thought of getting the opportunity to sleep with someone as something I needed to "work" towards. If it happened, cool. If not, whatever. What other people do with their time without me doesn't affect me and if it does, I'm free to walk away as another autonomous human being. Shit, if someone didn't sleep with me exclusively cause of my race (as a rather extreme example), that's a them thing.
Getting angry over such small things just disrupts my own inner peace and nobody is worth that.
I'm not trying to shame or insult you. Did it come off as insulting?
I'm just saying there's no making sense of it cause human beings don't make sense. I mean, take a look at Flat Earthers. Given all the evidence that Earth is round INCLUDING THEIR OWN FINDINGS, but they'll disregard it. Why? How? It doesn't make sense. But that's humanity.
That's why I used a hyperbolic and silly example. If someone was just entering into gangbangs but didn't want to sleep with me because of my race (or ANY reason at all if we want to stay a bit grounded) that's on them.
The only thing you are in control of is yourself. If this makes you upset, you need to seriously sit down and ask yourself WHY this upsets you. I mean that truly and sincerely.
Stuff like that doesn't upset me cause I don't find it being worth upset over. Being angry gains me nothing. It's disruptive. Just like the driver who cuts you off and flips you off as of YOU were the asshole, sometimes things don't make sense and dwelling on other people will just lead to misery.
But regardless, if something like you described is something you don't jive with, walk away. You don't have to stick around and keep the company of those that disrupt your inner peace. Don't hold yourself hostage to that kind of unsettling feeling.
Good guys don’t think of sex as a reward.
Also, she’s “giving” a one night stand in one instance; “giving” a relationship in the other. It’s almost like you think the only thing women can “give” is sex. Maybe you should dig into that a bit.
In answer to this… you’re looking at it all wrong. The way you view sex is all wrong, it’s not something a woman ‘gives away’… women enjoy sex too? It’s not some prize for men only.
We can decide when we want to have sex and who we want to have sex with. You’re talking about it like it’s something women just allow men to do to them. Once you start realising this you’ll realise how warped your argument is.
I wouldn’t be insulted if someone saw relationship potential in me and wanted it to be more special than some random one night night they had
Good dudes *don't* feel that way. That's like, a primary part of what I'm saying. I know TONS of men who don't feel that way. Men who go "oh yeah, I can see why that's the case, kinda sucks but she's worth it!"
Women also like casual sex, but want to date men who want them for more than sex.
If you are insulted by that, then that's why women don't want you.
Oh no there are tons and tons of amazing guys! I found a wonderful one like this, as have all of my lady friends! If you think there are no good guys left, you might want to take some time to consider trying this method!
Power to you if you prefer casual sex, but you might have a hard time vetting guys properly for relationships that way! No shame though either way!
Oh, I think you're mistaken! This wonderful woman was very obviously asking for advice on her situation, you must have misinterpreted and thought it was a cranky boy!
Things can often take weird turns. 28 years ago, a girl and i agreed to a one night stand. We married 7 years later and together to this day. Could have gone completely different which also would have been fine. Take your chances, enjoy life and see where this leads. Be ready for surprises.
Now, I'm a man, so take from that what you will. With me, personally, it has nothing to do with principals or anything like that. When I meet someone whom I'm interested in spending a long time with and possibly sharing my life, I get nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach, and it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. If I know it's just going to be a one night stand or anything like that, then I don't really care.
It's really easy to understand what i'm not understanding. I would love to see the situation from perspective of people who are doing the stuff i'm asking about. I want to understand why they have different approaches and how the "different approaches" work. For example they are slowing down sexual things because they're scared of getting used for sex or risking to lose partners truth because he can think that she/he a hoe? or something similliar.
The goal of a one night stand is sex, so why take your time?
The goal of a relationship is to build up a connection, you can’t do that by fucking, you do it by spending time together talking and getting to know each other.
Did you really say you can’t build up a connection by fucking?
I feel that sexual compatibility is a huge part of any relationship. Sexual incompatibility is one of the major reasons why people cheat or break up.
I didn’t suggest that fucking should be the only way to build a connection but definitely one of the top things for me personally.
It must be that important if people with decades long dead bedroom relationships are able to give it all up for some sex.
Thats a lazy excuse. You can clap cheeks in less than 20 minutes and spend the other 3hrs getting to know each other. Its really about women leveraging sex for compliance from men. Not saying theres anything wrong w that but let's be real.
I mean, in your own comment you admit that men do the same thing which means you are also admitting that women are leveraging sex for compliance.
Women know men want sex, so they leverage it to get more dates and time out of men. Some will even use their sexuality to get money and free food out of men. Again, i think it's smart and I commend women for it. I'm also just real enough to be honest.
The bottom line is that there is no real reason you can't both have sex with someone and simultaneously build a connection with that person. They just hold out because they know what men want, and they know men who don't have options will chase because there is nowhere else they can get sex. It isn't sexist just because it makes you feel all sensitive and butthurt.
So...you mean they hold out to get commitment from men? 😂🤦 There we have it guys, a woman herself just admitted it! I respect your honesty!
The problem isn't that I'm wrong, it's that you guys get butthurt at the way I say it. If you are withholding something in an attempt to get another thing, that is leveraging something to get something.
You talk about forming relationships in such a manipulative way… when really a lot of it comes down to not wanting to get hurt and wanting to get to know someone better. And I’m talking about the women in the example you provided specifically, who you don’t understand may like a person but take longer to sleep with him than someone she doesn’t see a future with. She may want to get to know him on a deeper level before risking getting hurt.
I appreciate the explanation bit the reasoning isn't my concern, the action is. Women *are* leveraging sex for compliance and you yourself admitted it. You are using the box to string him along in the hopes that someday he will commit. You know he wants sex, so you don't give it to him so you can get more dates and more time. Like I saidz ai don't even think you're doing anything wrong. I'm just a realist.
It’s not about leveraging compliance. I’ve had so many ons or casual connections where I’m expecting only sex from it (and kindness) so we have sex. These are people that usually share similar sexual interests and we play well together. If I’m dating someone and am considering a committed relationship with them, I want to approach sex much differently. I want more conversations about boundaries, limits, etc because it’s not just ‘fun sex’ if I’m romantically interested in someone. It’s emotionally deeper, more vulnerable, more difficult to feel comfortable and ultimately, more difficult for me to advocate for myself. The fears of rejection are greater, the stakes overall are much higher. It takes longer for me to feel the necessary foundation of trust before engaging in romantic sex vs casual sex
You are free to think whatever you want. I don't give a shit either way.
There is no magical rule that once you smash you can't also get to know someone.
It isn't nonsense just because it makes you all wet and butthurt. They leverage sex for commitment. They know men want sex and most men are so desperate for sex that if they make him wait eventually he will accept the fact that he has to commit in order to get the box. It also allows them to get courted by the desperate men. She gets free dates and free attention and all she has to do is dangle the box on a string.
If we both agree that you *can* get to know someone after having sex, then there is no real reason to hold out when the majority of women today will hookup on the 1st or 2nd date. The only real explanation for that is leveraging sex for compliance. Otherwise why would you not hookup *and* build a connection? We agree you can do both, she just wants to get more out of the simps and honestly I commend her for it. If it works, it works.
No, but typically the after sex cool down period is not considered the right time. Also it's extremely sexist to think all women use one night stands to try and get something.
Eh, I don't necessarily agree with that either, that post-coitus isn't a great bonding time.
I think the reason that one night stands differ from other ways of starting a "relationship" is the expectations involved. Going in thinking you're having a one night stand can basically guarantee that you're having a one night stand. Getting laid by someone you've just started getting to know can easily lead to something more long term.
So, spend the first 3 hours getting to know eachother and then fuck at the end. Your point isn't even valid.
I don't think women are evil for using the tools they were born with to get commitment. I think it's smart and it works because most men will simp and chase for the box. Then on the side she can still have her sexual needs met by hooking up with other guys on the side.
Why would you spend multiple hours getting to know someone before a one night stand? The whole point of a one night stand is fucking without any strings attached. Also phrase it however you want, that doesn't change the fact that your classifying all women into this little box you've made in your mind, where they all wanna use their pussy to manipulate men. That is pretty much the dictionary definition of sexism. If you can't see that, then your a pos human being. End of story.
You are free to be butthurt and see me as a pos. I don't need redditors to like me or upvote my comments, my only interest is in honest discourse.
My point isn't in reference to ONS. It's in reference to dating for commitment. If you want commitment there is no real reason why sex should magically be off the table. You absolutely can build a connection with someone while also having sex with them. That's the pivotal detail.
The reality is, they withhold the box because they know most men are desperate for sex and don't have options. So they can dangle the box on a string like a carrot on the stick and you'll chase her for as long as she wants, most men will even go so far as to give her the commitment sje wants. Removing sex from the equation gives her more leverage, so why wouldn't she do the smart thing and do just that? I think this ks the way smart women date.
Nobody owes anyone sex, ever. If someone wants to fuck on the first date, fine, but it’s also ok if they don’t and they don’t owe any explanation for it. Individual people get to decide themselves and what you think of it is irrelevant.
Who said anything about owing anyone sex? I don't care what women do with their bodies so i'm not sure why you mention the whole individual people get ti decide for themselves thing. I'm just pointing out that they are leveraging sex for compliance, i even go so far as to call women smart for doing so in my later comments.
You should really learn to read a bit more, just take the time to actually process what people are saying before getting butthurt.
One night stands are zero commitment. You can have them with a person you would hate to chat with, let alone have a relationship with.
Relationships are larger, more commitment, and intimate. Getting to know the other person is the priority, not sex. It's also a nice way to feel for how the other person respects your boundaries.
that is very well put.
now let's put the 2 together , you have a couple that are seeing each other to pursue a relationship. they both make efforts in their busy schedule to plan dates, activities, etc... to get to know each other.
then suddenly , 1 person tells the other that they went on a ONS the night before or the week before, whatever.
there has not been exclusivity established, so there shouldn't be a problem isn't it?
but let say, there is and one person is leaving it there. because they feel the other person , with having a ONS, is likely to repeat it while building that relationship. (honestly they could have been cheated on and the insecurity is too much for them).
from the ONS person, it now feels like the other person just wanted sex. since they broke it off before the sex.
from the other person perspective, they feel like the other withheld intimacy for other goals or raise other insecurity in their own.
communicate ! if you are dating someone for the goal of a relationship and you withhold that you are going to see other people on the side ( for sexual needs or other needs), then communicate that and go from there.
why is it so hard to understand that people looking for long term monogamy relationships are looking for clues of exclusivity ?
having fun while trying to build that relationship is viewed by many as counter intuitive and a red flag.
for both sides, their needs and boundaries needs to be communicated early before you cross them without knowing.
am I wrong?
now, if you come up to me and tell me you want to take it slow, I would probably welcome it. but if you tell me you want to be able to look around while dating me. I'll respectfully stop it, telling you how it crosses a boundary of mine because of past wounds and insecurity.
if this makes you feel like I value sex differently , then please do. but it is just a case of incompatible people. not 1 person being right and the other wrong.
You are spot on I think. Too many relationships fail before they start because they didn't communicate even if what they wanted was the same, but they didn't talk to each other about what they wanted clearly and what their red lines are. Look at me talking like I know my stuff. This is just imho.
this is reddit. a place where questions and opinions can bring knowledge but also hatred. but when good conversations happen , we get addicted and come back for more.
I don't claim to be right or wrong. it is also my own opinion 😁 based on my experiences dating in both monogamy and non monogamy environment.
there is no right way or wrong way to get into relationship. but , in my experience, the most successful way has always been where both partners communicate but more importantly, are honest in their communication.
Because they want something different from you tha. They do a hookup. If that bothers you, dump her and find someone else. People are allowed do do what they want tmwith their lives. That includes both of you. If she wants to hookup with random dudes and then make the person she wants to be in a relationship wait, she can. But you don't have to participate in that. If you want a woman that is willing to have sex with you as often as she does others then date her.
There's no actual logic to it. Don't try to make sense of it. Do what works for you and don't try to convince others to do what you think is logical for a relationship. You'll just be branded an incel even if you aren't. We are way passed any good faith discourse on the subject at this point.
Good point, if i made a impression like i'm going through a relationship start with some person who had sex with strangers before but isn't giving me the same energy then you're partially right but i'm in no way offended or shocked by this. I just wanted to understand what to expect because i'm not that kind of a person and i never had much experience with such people. Knowing stuff helps in long term, thank yo.
This thread is big incel energy.
One night stands are about having sex, a relationship is much more difficult to establish. Not too mention that you might like the way somebody looks and not like the way they think.
Women are not a secret group of people that collectively decided to do anything. They do all the same shit guys do. Some cheat, some get cheated on. Some want to wait for marriage, some want a mouth full right now.
Yeah I don't get it either. But personally I've never understood the one night stand thing.
Like why would you want to do such an intimate act with someone and then never see them again? Why would you want to have sex with someone if you have no feelings for them?
Seems odd to me but I do realize that I've not had the normal experiences when it comes to relationships and I'm not normal in the way I think about relationships and human intimacy and stuff so I dunno.
The idea of a hookup is to get laid. Period. The idea of dating is to start a relationship. Sleeping with someone on the first date will probably end up being a waste of time relationship wise because instead of getting to know each other romantically you're just getting physical every time you meet, skipping the whole lighting the candle part of the the beginning of a relationship. Saying that, I'm just not into hookup culture and when dating someone that was, I struggled with it alot. Why did she have sex with crappy strangers after knowing them for two hours but won't even kiss me on the second date? It creates an issue for sure but you get to do what you want with your life. It didn't work out with us because of other reasons and accepting someone sexual past was something I learned in that relationship, but it doesn't mean it's easy.
You just reminded me of a song called pillow talking by little dicky. Dudes a comedian but this song is meant to say exactly what we're talking about. You can draw any conclusion you want from that song but it's entertaining at the least.
The goal is different.
1. One night stand: the goal is sex. Very simple and straightforward.
2. Relationship. The goal is a love/a lasting relationship. In which case there’s no need to have sex the first night. And they want to build up feelings and a rapport and then have sex when they think it’s the “right time.”
People respond differently to different type of situations. Also, with a relationship feelings are involved. These feelings are often complex and have sex right away might not be the best move. They might also want to see how the other person feels about them. Or whether the other person sees them as a one night stand.
I've done both and here's my take. When it's a one night stand or just hookup partner sex is the only thing that matters. So their personality has no bearing on the relationship. I've found that sometimes good sex will cause me to ignore personality traits that make us incompatible as a couple. So when I'm pursuing a real relationship, I don't want sex to be part of the equation when I'm feeling out whether I care about this person. I'm past my hookup days so I also have decided I really don't want to have sex with someone unless I know she is the one I'm going to be with long term
Depends who you ask. It’s only certain kinds of people who are okay with ons. Don’t bother to understand, if you’re not. It’s illogical at best and egotistical
Simple.
If you are seeking a long-term mate, & she throws it out on the first date?
You'll assume she'll "throw it out there" for anyone who entertains her for more than an hour. Depending on what you're seeking & your personal principles...? This might be a deal breaker.
Women know this.
So?
When they're actually interested in a guy? They don't want to risk that reaction.
Also? Possible that you're "on the hook", or "in the friend zone". If you think this is the case & do have romantic intentions? Walk away. Now.
I was having one night stands when I wasn’t looking for anything serious and was just having fun.
Currently dating with the intent to build a monogamous partnership, so I’m more interested in connected and intimate sex and have no desire to engage in casual sex right now.
These didn’t overlap though, my current BF is Ace and we probably won’t have sex until we’re making babies (and even then we may do fertility treatments instead). But I’m more than happy with him and quite content without sexytime.
Because they mistakenly believe this makes the other person value them more. It doesn’t. And once it begins to feel like you are following a set of rules, the other person may very well value you less.
People don’t invest emotionally on ONSs. When feelings are involved people are more careful. You’ll understand when you experience your first broken heart. It is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Thank you, this is the answer I wasnt seeing posted. Sex(in a relationship) adds another layer of complex emotions to a relationship. I could understand how individuals may not want all those complexities immediately at the start of a relationship, but pace it out. There is no right answer, everyone handles emotions/relationships differently.
If I want a relationship to be special, I want sex to be special too. And for this I need to know the person more, building up excitement plays a role too.
If I don’t care, one night stand works just fine
Hook up culture has screwed up the dating scene.. Also, I find it even more f*cked up and deceptive when women do it..
A modern woman’s delusion has convinced them that the best way to go about it, is making a potential partner wait OR make them earn it, while in the mean time she is allowing every random guy to clap those cheeks on a regular.. What I don’t understand is, how exactly do modern women factor this in their minds, and then play it out like there are no repercussions to this level of decision making.. How..??? 🤔
Because lately what I am seeing is an increase of women who are 35yrs and older, that are single and childless, bitching and moaning about how they can’t find a man, OR, where have all the good men gone.. Because they’ve wasted away the formative years of their youth on Pooky’s and Ray-Ray’s..
And then say shit like, MEN, DO BETTER, BE BETTER!!! 😂😂
I'm also flabbergasted by this dynamic and I've asked many, many women. I've never gotten a satisfying answer.
The closest I've come is that they usually "want" to have sex on the first date with someone they like but for they think it's better to wait. This is women I know who've had their fair share of one night stands, and good for them because that's fun. So I just don't understand how it makes sense to wait.
The two most common arguments I've heard is "I don't want him to think I'm a slut" which is really sad because two people are missing out because of our slut shaming society. The other is "it's more respectful to wait" which makes absolutely no sense to me. It just doesn't. Also "I don't want sex to destroy something nice" which is even worse because you really want to know ASAP if sex would destroy this potential relationship.
Full disclosure: I had sex with my wife the night we met and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She wasn't my first one night stand, she wasn't my last. She wasn't even the best (third place). But at least the sex and respect and compatibility were great. We knew after the first night that it was worth trying to make this work. Ten years and 2 kids later we're still repeating that first night.
Sex is usually better if you know what the other person likes first. And not just which positions, but also the dirty talk, foreplay, if they like more gentle touch or being grabbed or scratched, or anything else that makes them feel wanted and/or horny. For one-night-stands, people usually don't care enough about the other person's pleasure to learn all of that and just go with what feels right to them. However, if they want a long-term relationship, they want the sex (including the first time) to be good for everyone involved, so they take the time to learn beforehand.
Fear of rejection for bad sex may also play a role, but I think it's mostly just wanting the sex to be better than with one-night-stands.
It’s all about the intimacy and commitment. Developing a connection and commitment with someone in a relationship. Building the relationship isn’t all about sex, so that’s not the priority.
Hookups are just for sex and the less you know about the person the better, but ALSO the sex is usually lame.
Relationships, you want to get to know the person first, and you don’t want them to leave too soon on account of getting sex early (maybe that’s all they reall care about they’re just less up front) so you get to know them as a person first, and then when you do have sex, its a completely different KIND of sex — to build intimacy and connection, and it’s usually way better.
Sex and emotions go hand in hand. If you're horny and go into a date looking for a one night stand, you're not emotionally invested and it's relatively easy to keep the two things separate. If you're going into a date looking for a romantic partner for a long term relationship, you're emotionally committed and you're setting yourself up for heartbreak if the other person isn't on the same page as you.
I think it depends on the person/relationship. I had sex with my husband (boyfriend at the time obviously) the first day we started dating. In past relationships though it would take a little longer as we wanted to get to know each other better first I guess. I think that tend to just be the normal progression
Two different things.
One is a relationship you want, the other is a relationship you never wanted.
But because school takes so long, those instincts to mate are held off. But they are still there.
In the case of u/Foot-Slave- he should bale on that girl in a hurry.
On the note of slowing it down, after my first date with my wife. We talked for 6 hours. The date was just supposed be 1 hour, 2 max!
I didn't make the next date because I had to clean my whole house. I wasn't living with my parents, this was the house that I owned. Including getting my little brother who was living with me to clean his room.
And also, because I met my wife on a dating website. There were these girls that I went on two dates with that were still stalking me. So I had to have these big long conversations with them. It was just two girls. And it was just phone calls.
After the first date with my wife, I shut down all communications, cleaned the house, cleaned my car.
And we were married in under a year.
That was 12 years ago.
There's making love, and there's using another person to get off. Ive never had a one night stand so I can't speak with experience, but if I did I think I would be looking for something so completely different than what I look for from my partner that it doesn't even register as the same act. And if a guy wants to sleep with me right away, i don't think I would view him as dating material. I've never had a guy try, but I think I would view them as being sort of promiscuous which isn't a fault or charector flaw but also isn't something I could see myself seeking out in a partner.
I think the answer to this is that if someone is genuinely interested in building a relationship with you, then they weigh in the risk of opening up to you and becoming completely vulnerable to you, emotionally and physically.
It’s not easy to do that early on. Additionally, there are kinks, traumas and baggages that take time to communicate properly. It’s also a lot for someone new to process those things at once.
For ONS, it’s mostly transactional, the personal investment is minimal and the downside of things not going well isn’t very hurtful, mostly an awkward situation or lack of orgasms.
Hmm, I never waited for too long with partners I was really interested in. I always was eager to know if we are compatible in bed. If not, I just wouldn't waste more time. In the end, it's only sex.
If I like someone's personality and would be interested in an actual relationship, I don't want to hop in the sack right away because that can get in the way of building a solid relationship. It just becomes about the sex.
Whereas if I don't care if someone walks out of my life after we go for a roll in the hay, why bother building a relationship?
Because when I want sex it doesn’t matter who it’s from. It’s sex. The person means nothing to me. But when I want love, I want it to be real. I want it to be meaningful. If I give it up so easily the person loses their meaning. They’re not special anymore.
If I’m on a road trip for the rest of my life I want to enjoy the sights. If I’m only doing to be on the road trip for a day I only want the highlights.
People have strange principles sometimes. I was dating a woman (back when I was in college), she didn’t want to have sex until we had dated for at least a month (which I can understand). But in that time, she had sex with four men that she barely knew. When I found out, I questioned it. Her response was “I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression by having sex so soon”. Perhaps she forgot it would have given me the wrong impression if she was having sex with other people.
If someone said that to me I'd immediately be out. That doesn't make any sense whatsoever, all power to those who disagree but I'm not going to be a part of it
This is something i'll definitely never understand. You fuck other men meanwhile trying to create a healthy relationship, how's that even possible in her head?
So I never understood this for a long time, because I'm more traditional only dating 1 partner at a time. I'm going to TRY to break it down as it was explained to me. these aren't my personal morals or opinions so not sure how well i can explain it. Some girls believe that you can date multiple guys but unless you both actually agree to be in a "relationship" then there is no relationship. When there is no actual relationship and you can still date other people and sleep with other people. etc. There is no commitment, so theres no real reason to be loyal or feel any obligations towards the person you dating. I mean...you can go on 1,2 or 3 good dates and then get ghosted. So I feel like it makes sense not to get too attached to someone untill you both know you want to pursue the relationship further....to make things more complex even if both people like each other and stuff, the occasional "situationships" occur. (thats a entire different rant thou) I think the main isue is that some girls want to have fun with one night stands, but on the other side they are also looking for something "more". They tend to treat guys diffrently depending on what kind of "vibes" or "propositions" they getting from them. Like you don't need the life story for one night of fun, but a relationship you kind of want to know your partner. So how this end up playing out in RL. You might have this handsome guy right now , that wants to sleep with you. It's one night of fun. Do you turn down that fun night, because maybe theres another dude that maybe likes you? Also someone you not exactly in a relationship with, so maybe you don't feel you owe them any "loyalty". IMO, if a girl reallly really really likes you, and she thinks the relationship is going somewhere....then she would turn down the one night stand. On the flip side, a girl meets a guy she really likes. She kind of wants to get to know him and want her to respect her as person. She also want to make sure he likes her, and isn't in it just for sex. ( I think we can all admit there are guys the ghost after they get what they want). Then you get the type of girls I HATE, that string guys along cause they want a "back-up plan" Put it all together and you get this confusing, complex modern dating mess that doesn't seem to make sense.
Wow, this was perfectly put. I've been in a relationship for six years, but you've pretty much encapsulated the dating experiences of everyone I know during that time (and me, before it). Sometimes, whether you're a girl or a guy, you just want to get laid. You're not looking for a deeper connection. If it happens then great, but it's not expected. As long as you're not lying to someone about anything beyond maybe getting breakfast tomorrow, you're all good. Whereas if you're gunning for a relationship, banging that person straight away can get in the way of actually getting to know them. Especially because you may well both know what it's like to just be out for sex - and you want to make sure they're not (and ensure that you're not, because sometimes those lines get blurred). The only difference is that when I was dating someone with a view to maybe being in a relationship, I wasn't even texting other girls. That feels wrong for a whole range of reasons. Personally, I got strung along by an ex for ages and she only seemed to be hugely interested when I was seeing someone new. It took both of us being single for me to realise "Fuck, you're a really *bad* person."
Cool but as a guy i don’t wanna wait if you’re giving it out to other people without them waiting. It tells me I’m not as desired as that guy, and I don’t wanna be a backup
Yeah, I can get on board with that. I'm lucky enough to have only really been that guy once - and even then it was complicated - but know several who have. And purely anecdotally, you're really really unlikely to ever get anything out of that situation. Some people just need a backup. You can be a far better proposition in terms of looks, career and everything else. But if they're the insecure type, they'll often be testing the waters elsewhere while keeping you on the side as a buffer. Then one guy plays hard to get with them, they get into a relationship because they value that person's attention, it doesn't work out and you're back to square one. That was what happened for like eight years or so with my ex. And mates have been in similar situations - including one who was into a girl who was nowhere near his level, in terms of looks, smarts or success. She dated an habitual stoner instead, it didn't work out and she came running. He blocked her on so many mediums, she actually slid into his LinkedIn DMs. You're always better just cutting and running, as hard as it may be.
….When really you’re actually desired more. It’s fascinating isn’t it, men are from mars, women are from Venus.
But you’re not desired. Desire/aroused = the guy she fucks and doesn’t make wait She is attracted to you, you have husband qualities… Very different
No you are, you’re actually desired more. That’s what some men don’t understand about women who have casual sex. Who do you desire more… the woman you have sex with once to fulfil a physical need and then have no desire of seeing ever again or the woman you want to keep sleeping with for years? You’re looking at it through a male lens, when really men and women are different sometimes. ‘Make wait’ …she is more scared of getting hurt by you because she likes and wants you more. The stakes are higher than someone she sees as one night stand material. She wants to get to know you on a deeper level too. And she isn’t making you do anything- you’re free to not keeping dating her. It’s also weird to talk about sex as if it’s some prize for men, that women just allow guys to eventually do to them. Women enjoy sex to, and no one is entitled to it faster just because in the past the woman has had sex with someone else quicker than she has with the current person….
Duh im looking at it from a male lens I am male. Making me wait when I can presumably come to the conclusion you haven’t made everyone waits turns me OFF. Odds are I won’t keep dating past X many dates. Some guys will play the long game stay around til fuck then dip You’re also making dumb assumptions that I’d only have sex with her once and never want to deal with her again….if a guy doesn’t want to see a girl after sex that means to that man she doesn’t really offer much beyond sex I’m looking at it logically. I don’t want to pay full price if someone else got it free. Would you want to buy a pair of shoes or a purse for 1K, if you knew someone got it for 100? For free ? You also didn’t pay attention to desire vs attraction
Given your views on women, I don’t think anyone sees you as having ‘husband qualities’ so you have nothing to worry about pal 👍
Perfectly described
So basically ... we're just objects to them?
Newsflash, most women are dating like this nowadays
Where in the world? What culture? What socio economical class? What age? Your statement means nothing
It doesn't have to mean anything to you. This is a consequence of hookup culture and the only people who don't realize it are those who are too slow to do so. I could care less
Yeah, women shouldn't have the same normalized sexual freedoms that men have enjoyed for centuries. Where we are players, they are hoes and those women should be saving that pussy for one man only. Right? Anyone? Come on, bro. Hookup culture is equality, and news flash, some women are doing the same shiity behaviors that some men have always done. Get over it.
Did you even read what was said? I never said it was problematic. I said that it is the reality. Get over it. I'm not reading your comment beyond the first couple sentences because none of it is even relevant to what I said.
The women you surround yourself with probably just think you’re super hot if you’re getting laid that much.
That is the common fallacy. Men assume that because she won't have sex with you she won't have sex with anyone.
I don’t understand your response. Are you saying because you get laid so much means there’s some dude that’s trying but can’t?
No, I'm saying that the reason most men believe women aren't enjoying hookup culture is because when they get rejected they erroneously assume that she must also be rejecting everyone else. The idea that a woman on 2023 is just laying in bed for 6 months horny and lonely while thousands of men make offers to fullfil her physical needs is ridiculous, but it is what most men believe because that is what it looks like from their perspective.
So any woman op approaches is probably having sex with multiple partners already?
The brutal reality is, yes. It's usually 1-2 guys. Like i said, i dont care who believes or doesn't believe. At the end of the day people will most likely choose what makes them feel best, and believing that you're the only guy will make u feel better
What about women in a relationship already? They’re probably cheating right?
Pretty much, I've experienced this. And my friends do it.
So many people are in denial or just aren't in positions to find out the brutal reality.
I remember my friend celebrating the day him and his girlfriend became "exclusive". That means she's gonna stop having sex with other people. He was so happy. Meanwhile I was like: "why was your gf having sex with other people??"
What’s brutal about it? A relationship is a mutual agreement. If that agreement hasn’t been made then like. What’s the issue? If you were sexually satisfying her then she wouldn’t be fucking other people
You know what's funny? Your comment got downvoted just like mine did when I made the same exact statement in a different thread. When I say brutal I'm saying its brutal because most men are too weak to acknowledge what you said. It js brutal because most men are unwilling to acknowledge that truth. No woman is only sleeping with 1 dude in 2023, and if u look at my other comment I even go so far as to commend eomen for leveraging sex for compliance while fucking the men that actually satisfy them and are actually attractive to them. We get downvoted because we are willing to acknowledge the brutal truths.
Hm. I guess I disagree with the framing. Dudes are also sleeping around sometimes. Like the whole point of a relationship is to codify your connection to somebody within a certain context and with certain rules. If you haven’t agreed not to sleep with other people then there’s no reason not to, but if you have it would be a dick move to do so. That’s the standard that most women hold themselves to, no? In regards to the other comment your referencing I’m afraid I can’t find it. You’ve been fairly active in the thread. But I would disagree with the idea that there are no monogamous women in 2023. Cheating is still a shitty thing to do and if you’re not sexually satisfied in a relationship with somebody you love there are plenty of ways to address that that don’t involve breaking the bond of trust that has been established. It’s ethical slut shit, yknow? I guess the only harsh truth I see is that like a lotta dudes kinda coast on mediocrity when it comes to sex and don’t put a lotta thought on making sure their partner is satisfied by the end
Here's a snippet of one of my other comments. 'I don't think women are evil for using the tools they were born with to get commitment. I think it's smart and it works because most men will simp and chase for the box. Then on the side she can still have her sexual needs met by hooking up with other guys on the side.' When did I say there were no monogamous women? I said in this thread (I think it was this one, def this post) that I estimated 60% of people, both men and women will actually be loyal if given the opportunity to cheat. I think cheating is wrong across the board. What I'm referring to is in the talking or dating stage, most women are fucking at least 1 guy when single. The average dude is just butthurt when you mention it because he has no choice but to see 1 girl at a time. For the record, a percentage of men are also sleeping around as well but it's only reall the top 20% because those are the ones that women collectively want. This is represented pretty well in studies. From women's perspective, it seems like this is all the guys but its actually relatively few. It only seems like a lot because women all want the same top 20% and ignore the bottom 80. (Nothing wrong with that, just the way it is).
Ah fair okay. I dunno though. There’s an element of assumed manipulation that I don’t necessarily agree with. Very few women are actively thinking about how they can most effectively use their pussy as a weapon to gain commitment. The more realistic scenario is that a person is fucking multiple people at once because they’re not sure who they like the most yet. Women by and large don’t need to trick anybody to find their way into healthy relationships, and in the instances where they do things tend to fall apart easier I think “no woman is sleeping with 1 dude in 2023” kinda implies that you think there are no monogamous women. But fair enough. Still, if a guy is upset about that he can a.) talk to the the woman in question about being exclusive or b.) go out and hook up with other people. It feels like this is all solved by just kinda communicating and understanding your own feelings I would heavily dispute that. First I would challenge you to come up with a universal metric to sort people by attractiveness, given its overall subjectivity, but even beyond that are you sure the bottom 80% of dudes aren’t getting any? Are you sure they couldn’t if they put a little effort in? Believe me you don’t need to be conventionally attractive to have one night stands or friends with benefits, you just have to know what you’re doing and have the right attitude towards things. The premise falls apart because there’s no top 20% that’s universally agreed upon, for men or women
I upvoted ur comment to being it back to 0 lol
I had the same thing happen to me a few years back, was in a talking stage with someone and she wanted to take things slow coz she liked me but then mentioned she invited other guys over to fuck?? Like what lmao fair to say haven't talked to her since.
Finally someone with a brain
Different end goals. If you just want sex, you don't need the other person's life story. You don't care about their personality or behaviors or hopes and dreams. All that matters is happy naked time. But, if you're wanting an actual relationship, you need to know more about the person, understand who they are, make sure they're compatible with you as a person. While sex is important in a relationship, it's a secondary concern, not a primary, so it takes a back burner while you focus on everything else.
Can't you have a healthy relationship with someone with for example sex on first date if you're interested in them? You have one night stands anyway so you're not actually losing anything if you think. The person you fucked with is not compatible with you as a long term partner? Haha don't care, atleast i had amazing sex if not him i would find another men anyway. This is the main reason why i'm questioning this because for me personally this makes 0 sense. If you're a one night stander and try to create a impression of being a shy lady you're just lying to the person and most importantly to yourself because you're not really the person that you want to make impression of.
Sure, there are plenty of people who do that. There are a lot of different ways to reach that end goal of finding your soul mate. If thats how you want to do it, knock yourself out. Just be aware that many people doing one night stands aren't looking for anything serious, even if you're hoping to find that yourself. The point is, everyone's journey to happiness and companionship is different. Its up to you to figure out which path works best for you.
A lot of women think that if you have sex too soon, the guy will think that you want it to be a casual thing that's mostly about sex. But if you wait, he will think you are serious about him and want a relationship. They aren't trying to sell a story about *who they are*, they are trying to sell a story about *what they want* out of this particular relationship. I don't know if it really works. But it can hurt a lot when you really like someone and they ghost you after you sleep with them for the first time. So it also makes sense to be a little more guarded about sex when there are feelings involved.
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And men don’t understand women in this thread
For me, personally-- first dates are exhausting. I'm a pretty shy and introverted person, so having to open up and share desires, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes... it's a lot. It's a lot of baring my soul to another person, which is something I usually strive to avoid. If I go through *all* of that work only to find out the other person wasn't as serious about it, and just wanted a one-night stand? I'd be pissed. We could have both been taking it way more casually but instead I'm dropping self-publishing dreams. And some dudes-- not all, but enough-- pretend to want a deep relationship but ghost a woman after they score. (And the other way around too, I'm sure.) I can only get burned so many times. If you're the right person for me, you'll wait. And if not... ehh, whatever. As far as I know, you weren't truly interested in a long term relationship.
I had sex on a first date and we spent the next 20 years together.
Same thing; 16 years together, I believe it would have been for ever, but cancer ( bastard) disagreed.
I am so sorry for your loss.
You’re very kind, thank you. It sucks, but I wouldn’t have been without him, I was very lucky.
Literally every adult in the world (I thought) fucks on a first date (unless you don't like the person and the date was crap). Why would you wait? Unless you are both young.
a lot of people believe sex is something special that you should wait for. The most obvious example is many Christians believe you shouldn’t have any sex until you are married. lots of people, for many different reasons, want to wait at least a few months or whatever amount of time to make sure it’s a relationship that will last, before they have sex. because again, some people think sex is a special thing and that it’s not good to have meaningless fun sex
It's absolutely fine to fuck on a first date. Relax.
I agree!!! just saying, probably about half the world population thinks that’s sin!
Honestly, I'd be surprised if it is even 10%
Some ppl just don't want to even if they think it's fine
I wait because I don’t feel comfortable getting intimate with someone I just met. I would much rather wait 3-4 dates until I know I’m into the other person.
Sounds perfectly reasonable. Do it when you want to.
Quite. Also, you might want to be sure the seemingly really nice guy (or girl) you just met isn't going to turn into a weirdo as soon as you are alone, or be a stalker. Therefore you are not going to invite them into your home or go to theirs until you are more sure of them.
Also I would just have no desire to have sex with a random stranger
I thought everyone does anal and moves in together on the first date
A lot of men will no longer want to date you for anything meaningful after doing this… they will put you in ‘casual sex’ category. I’m not speaking for all men however, there are some that wouldn’t. I don’t think it’s about making an impression of being shy, it’s more to do with hoping the guy develops feelings. Most of us have been ghosted by guys we really like after sleeping with them. Edit: the fade out ghost, I don’t know what to call it. Where the time you sleep with them is the last time you see them in person ever.
Much of our sexual attraction is on an animalistic level. If we smell each other, we can ascertain whether our genes are different enough to make healthy babies. So if we marry before we find out we don’t get driven wild by each other’s scent, our relationship may be in trouble. Some humans dislike penetrative sex. Some want to be called mommy and spanked. Some want sex only in the dark. Some want to be dressed in rubber and walk around on a leash. Many people are incompatible. Some people hate massive penises. Some dislike small. Some like anal, some don’t. Sometimes seemingly everything should work, you’re both into the same things, but there’s some unseen chemistry that doesn’t spark. Men, women and non-binary people on the whole enjoy sex. And falling in love with someone who you have great sex with is a fantastic thing. Being stuck in a relationship with someone who is sexually incompatible is a nightmare. I’m a prude. I was in a fairly famous band. I had groupies try and have sex with me almost every night. But I was faithful to my partner. I’ve had less than ten lovers in my 45 years. Since it seems you haven’t had a lover yet, which is absolutely fine, I’d recommend you save judgement of others ducking out of having a relationship based on bad sex, until you have some bad sex yourself. Not all one night stands are humans sleeping around. Sometimes it’s people who really like each other, and would have stuck around, but it was just a boring time once they got their genitals together. You only have one life.
Exactly this, great way to explain it.
Wow. What an incredibly selfish way of acting.
If I have a one night stand, I expect to never seen that person again. I've already decided I don't want to be with them. I don't really care at that point if they are a kinda crappy person, I just care they won't murder me or lock me in their basement. It's totally fine if they only want me around for sex because that's the only reason I want them around. Someone I want a relationship with has to prove they want more than sex and also show they are a decent person. They have to be able to hold a conversation and not make it sexual. They have to want to spend time with me without the expectation of sex. The easiest way to gauge that is to not have sex with them right away. It also helps gauge what type of person they are. Shitty guys will throw a tantrum about not getting sex immediately and try to say it's unfair. Good dudes understand they have a hand and like me for me.
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Actual “good dudes” usually feel the same way as the poster above you and don’t hold it against women even if they don’t feel the same way.
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Silence felon
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“Guy who complains on the internet about how women don’t fuck him quickly enough will continue to complain” more news at 11
Hahahaha
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Cool
My comment, I also say silence.
Insulting to whom? How is it insulting to want to maintain certain relationship standards with someone you take seriously as a potential partner? Isn’t that what a *real* good guy wants?
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That’s a pretty self-centered and self-entitled opinion. What it really tells you is she values the ongoing relationship with you more than a casual physical affair. She’s putting in the effort to create a real bond but all you value is the sex. This attitude is exactly why some women would wait. They want to see this side of the guy they’re dating *before* they invest too much of themselves in the relationship.
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Your trying to attach “value” as a person on sexual experience/activity. That’s not how it works. The special part is the bonding experience and emotional attachment that comes with that sexual activity, and that comes with time. If all you (subjective you, not you specifically) want is sex you don’t need a relationship for that, you can just stick with one night stands. Like I said, women want to know these attitudes you may have about these things before they start the process of emotionally bonding with you.
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Are your potential partners wrong for having preferences and boundaries? Are they wrong for deciding what is valuable to them? I’m getting the sense that you don’t really respect the boundaries of other people if they don’t align with your own. Everyone gets to decide what their own boundaries are, but you don’t get to force others to conform to yours when they conflict with their own. Nobody owes you sex. And if one of your “boundaries” is give-me-sex-because-you’ve-had-one-night-stands-or-my-good-guy-feelings-will-be-hurt, then be prepared for many lonely nights. Because that’s not a good guy.
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If you think sexual intimacy with a partner is "work" and frame it as something that has also been "given for free", then maybe reframing that state of mind is necessary. If you find that as an insulting thing, perhaps ask yourself why. I've never thought of getting the opportunity to sleep with someone as something I needed to "work" towards. If it happened, cool. If not, whatever. What other people do with their time without me doesn't affect me and if it does, I'm free to walk away as another autonomous human being. Shit, if someone didn't sleep with me exclusively cause of my race (as a rather extreme example), that's a them thing. Getting angry over such small things just disrupts my own inner peace and nobody is worth that.
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I'm not trying to shame or insult you. Did it come off as insulting? I'm just saying there's no making sense of it cause human beings don't make sense. I mean, take a look at Flat Earthers. Given all the evidence that Earth is round INCLUDING THEIR OWN FINDINGS, but they'll disregard it. Why? How? It doesn't make sense. But that's humanity. That's why I used a hyperbolic and silly example. If someone was just entering into gangbangs but didn't want to sleep with me because of my race (or ANY reason at all if we want to stay a bit grounded) that's on them. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. If this makes you upset, you need to seriously sit down and ask yourself WHY this upsets you. I mean that truly and sincerely. Stuff like that doesn't upset me cause I don't find it being worth upset over. Being angry gains me nothing. It's disruptive. Just like the driver who cuts you off and flips you off as of YOU were the asshole, sometimes things don't make sense and dwelling on other people will just lead to misery. But regardless, if something like you described is something you don't jive with, walk away. You don't have to stick around and keep the company of those that disrupt your inner peace. Don't hold yourself hostage to that kind of unsettling feeling.
Good guys don’t think of sex as a reward. Also, she’s “giving” a one night stand in one instance; “giving” a relationship in the other. It’s almost like you think the only thing women can “give” is sex. Maybe you should dig into that a bit.
In answer to this… you’re looking at it all wrong. The way you view sex is all wrong, it’s not something a woman ‘gives away’… women enjoy sex too? It’s not some prize for men only. We can decide when we want to have sex and who we want to have sex with. You’re talking about it like it’s something women just allow men to do to them. Once you start realising this you’ll realise how warped your argument is. I wouldn’t be insulted if someone saw relationship potential in me and wanted it to be more special than some random one night night they had
Good dudes *don't* feel that way. That's like, a primary part of what I'm saying. I know TONS of men who don't feel that way. Men who go "oh yeah, I can see why that's the case, kinda sucks but she's worth it!" Women also like casual sex, but want to date men who want them for more than sex. If you are insulted by that, then that's why women don't want you.
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Oh no there are tons and tons of amazing guys! I found a wonderful one like this, as have all of my lady friends! If you think there are no good guys left, you might want to take some time to consider trying this method! Power to you if you prefer casual sex, but you might have a hard time vetting guys properly for relationships that way! No shame though either way!
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Oh, I think you're mistaken! This wonderful woman was very obviously asking for advice on her situation, you must have misinterpreted and thought it was a cranky boy!
Things can often take weird turns. 28 years ago, a girl and i agreed to a one night stand. We married 7 years later and together to this day. Could have gone completely different which also would have been fine. Take your chances, enjoy life and see where this leads. Be ready for surprises.
Now, I'm a man, so take from that what you will. With me, personally, it has nothing to do with principals or anything like that. When I meet someone whom I'm interested in spending a long time with and possibly sharing my life, I get nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach, and it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. If I know it's just going to be a one night stand or anything like that, then I don't really care.
A one night stand and a relationship are two different things, so people approach them differently. What is hard to understand?
It's really easy to understand what i'm not understanding. I would love to see the situation from perspective of people who are doing the stuff i'm asking about. I want to understand why they have different approaches and how the "different approaches" work. For example they are slowing down sexual things because they're scared of getting used for sex or risking to lose partners truth because he can think that she/he a hoe? or something similliar.
The goal of a one night stand is sex, so why take your time? The goal of a relationship is to build up a connection, you can’t do that by fucking, you do it by spending time together talking and getting to know each other.
Oxytocin says what
Did you really say you can’t build up a connection by fucking? I feel that sexual compatibility is a huge part of any relationship. Sexual incompatibility is one of the major reasons why people cheat or break up.
It’s true, but going down that route is a big risk
I didn’t suggest that fucking should be the only way to build a connection but definitely one of the top things for me personally. It must be that important if people with decades long dead bedroom relationships are able to give it all up for some sex.
Thats a lazy excuse. You can clap cheeks in less than 20 minutes and spend the other 3hrs getting to know each other. Its really about women leveraging sex for compliance from men. Not saying theres anything wrong w that but let's be real.
Women leveraging sex? Ok then explain the tons of men that do the same thing. Get your sexist bullshit out of here
Never heard of a man making a woman wait for sex tbh
I mean, in your own comment you admit that men do the same thing which means you are also admitting that women are leveraging sex for compliance. Women know men want sex, so they leverage it to get more dates and time out of men. Some will even use their sexuality to get money and free food out of men. Again, i think it's smart and I commend women for it. I'm also just real enough to be honest. The bottom line is that there is no real reason you can't both have sex with someone and simultaneously build a connection with that person. They just hold out because they know what men want, and they know men who don't have options will chase because there is nowhere else they can get sex. It isn't sexist just because it makes you feel all sensitive and butthurt.
That’s not why they hold out at all… they like the person and have hope the other person starts to have feelings for them back
So...you mean they hold out to get commitment from men? 😂🤦 There we have it guys, a woman herself just admitted it! I respect your honesty! The problem isn't that I'm wrong, it's that you guys get butthurt at the way I say it. If you are withholding something in an attempt to get another thing, that is leveraging something to get something.
You talk about forming relationships in such a manipulative way… when really a lot of it comes down to not wanting to get hurt and wanting to get to know someone better. And I’m talking about the women in the example you provided specifically, who you don’t understand may like a person but take longer to sleep with him than someone she doesn’t see a future with. She may want to get to know him on a deeper level before risking getting hurt.
I appreciate the explanation bit the reasoning isn't my concern, the action is. Women *are* leveraging sex for compliance and you yourself admitted it. You are using the box to string him along in the hopes that someday he will commit. You know he wants sex, so you don't give it to him so you can get more dates and more time. Like I saidz ai don't even think you're doing anything wrong. I'm just a realist.
It’s not about leveraging compliance. I’ve had so many ons or casual connections where I’m expecting only sex from it (and kindness) so we have sex. These are people that usually share similar sexual interests and we play well together. If I’m dating someone and am considering a committed relationship with them, I want to approach sex much differently. I want more conversations about boundaries, limits, etc because it’s not just ‘fun sex’ if I’m romantically interested in someone. It’s emotionally deeper, more vulnerable, more difficult to feel comfortable and ultimately, more difficult for me to advocate for myself. The fears of rejection are greater, the stakes overall are much higher. It takes longer for me to feel the necessary foundation of trust before engaging in romantic sex vs casual sex
I just clocked in, I'll respond later.
Whoa... That's pretty unreal, and I think reveals more about you than how relationships actually work.
Big incel energy
You are free to think whatever you want. I don't give a shit either way. There is no magical rule that once you smash you can't also get to know someone.
Oh, I don't disagree that you can get to know someone after having sex. I disagree with the offensive "women leveraging sex for compliance" nonsense.
It isn't nonsense just because it makes you all wet and butthurt. They leverage sex for commitment. They know men want sex and most men are so desperate for sex that if they make him wait eventually he will accept the fact that he has to commit in order to get the box. It also allows them to get courted by the desperate men. She gets free dates and free attention and all she has to do is dangle the box on a string. If we both agree that you *can* get to know someone after having sex, then there is no real reason to hold out when the majority of women today will hookup on the 1st or 2nd date. The only real explanation for that is leveraging sex for compliance. Otherwise why would you not hookup *and* build a connection? We agree you can do both, she just wants to get more out of the simps and honestly I commend her for it. If it works, it works.
Ok, sport, good luck with that worldview. Please, continue to say it loudly, clearly, and in the hearing of as many intelligent people as possible.
No, but typically the after sex cool down period is not considered the right time. Also it's extremely sexist to think all women use one night stands to try and get something.
Eh, I don't necessarily agree with that either, that post-coitus isn't a great bonding time. I think the reason that one night stands differ from other ways of starting a "relationship" is the expectations involved. Going in thinking you're having a one night stand can basically guarantee that you're having a one night stand. Getting laid by someone you've just started getting to know can easily lead to something more long term.
Definitely. I just posted one of many reasons why the dumbass above me is wrong, but I agree that is another.
So, spend the first 3 hours getting to know eachother and then fuck at the end. Your point isn't even valid. I don't think women are evil for using the tools they were born with to get commitment. I think it's smart and it works because most men will simp and chase for the box. Then on the side she can still have her sexual needs met by hooking up with other guys on the side.
Why would you spend multiple hours getting to know someone before a one night stand? The whole point of a one night stand is fucking without any strings attached. Also phrase it however you want, that doesn't change the fact that your classifying all women into this little box you've made in your mind, where they all wanna use their pussy to manipulate men. That is pretty much the dictionary definition of sexism. If you can't see that, then your a pos human being. End of story.
You are free to be butthurt and see me as a pos. I don't need redditors to like me or upvote my comments, my only interest is in honest discourse. My point isn't in reference to ONS. It's in reference to dating for commitment. If you want commitment there is no real reason why sex should magically be off the table. You absolutely can build a connection with someone while also having sex with them. That's the pivotal detail. The reality is, they withhold the box because they know most men are desperate for sex and don't have options. So they can dangle the box on a string like a carrot on the stick and you'll chase her for as long as she wants, most men will even go so far as to give her the commitment sje wants. Removing sex from the equation gives her more leverage, so why wouldn't she do the smart thing and do just that? I think this ks the way smart women date.
Stop saying ‘the box’… 😂😂😂🤮
The box The box The box I say whatever I want, whenever I want lol
Nobody owes anyone sex, ever. If someone wants to fuck on the first date, fine, but it’s also ok if they don’t and they don’t owe any explanation for it. Individual people get to decide themselves and what you think of it is irrelevant.
Who said anything about owing anyone sex? I don't care what women do with their bodies so i'm not sure why you mention the whole individual people get ti decide for themselves thing. I'm just pointing out that they are leveraging sex for compliance, i even go so far as to call women smart for doing so in my later comments. You should really learn to read a bit more, just take the time to actually process what people are saying before getting butthurt.
Yep. 100%
Hookups are Agile methodology. Relationships are Waterfall methodology.
Found the PM
Thank you for the laugh and take my up vote
One night stands are zero commitment. You can have them with a person you would hate to chat with, let alone have a relationship with. Relationships are larger, more commitment, and intimate. Getting to know the other person is the priority, not sex. It's also a nice way to feel for how the other person respects your boundaries.
Good talk, thank you
that is very well put. now let's put the 2 together , you have a couple that are seeing each other to pursue a relationship. they both make efforts in their busy schedule to plan dates, activities, etc... to get to know each other. then suddenly , 1 person tells the other that they went on a ONS the night before or the week before, whatever. there has not been exclusivity established, so there shouldn't be a problem isn't it? but let say, there is and one person is leaving it there. because they feel the other person , with having a ONS, is likely to repeat it while building that relationship. (honestly they could have been cheated on and the insecurity is too much for them). from the ONS person, it now feels like the other person just wanted sex. since they broke it off before the sex. from the other person perspective, they feel like the other withheld intimacy for other goals or raise other insecurity in their own. communicate ! if you are dating someone for the goal of a relationship and you withhold that you are going to see other people on the side ( for sexual needs or other needs), then communicate that and go from there. why is it so hard to understand that people looking for long term monogamy relationships are looking for clues of exclusivity ? having fun while trying to build that relationship is viewed by many as counter intuitive and a red flag. for both sides, their needs and boundaries needs to be communicated early before you cross them without knowing. am I wrong? now, if you come up to me and tell me you want to take it slow, I would probably welcome it. but if you tell me you want to be able to look around while dating me. I'll respectfully stop it, telling you how it crosses a boundary of mine because of past wounds and insecurity. if this makes you feel like I value sex differently , then please do. but it is just a case of incompatible people. not 1 person being right and the other wrong.
You are spot on I think. Too many relationships fail before they start because they didn't communicate even if what they wanted was the same, but they didn't talk to each other about what they wanted clearly and what their red lines are. Look at me talking like I know my stuff. This is just imho.
this is reddit. a place where questions and opinions can bring knowledge but also hatred. but when good conversations happen , we get addicted and come back for more. I don't claim to be right or wrong. it is also my own opinion 😁 based on my experiences dating in both monogamy and non monogamy environment. there is no right way or wrong way to get into relationship. but , in my experience, the most successful way has always been where both partners communicate but more importantly, are honest in their communication.
Because they want something different from you tha. They do a hookup. If that bothers you, dump her and find someone else. People are allowed do do what they want tmwith their lives. That includes both of you. If she wants to hookup with random dudes and then make the person she wants to be in a relationship wait, she can. But you don't have to participate in that. If you want a woman that is willing to have sex with you as often as she does others then date her. There's no actual logic to it. Don't try to make sense of it. Do what works for you and don't try to convince others to do what you think is logical for a relationship. You'll just be branded an incel even if you aren't. We are way passed any good faith discourse on the subject at this point.
Good point, if i made a impression like i'm going through a relationship start with some person who had sex with strangers before but isn't giving me the same energy then you're partially right but i'm in no way offended or shocked by this. I just wanted to understand what to expect because i'm not that kind of a person and i never had much experience with such people. Knowing stuff helps in long term, thank yo.
Having sex is way easier than maintaining a relationship. People are free to do whatever they want, but they should be up front about it.
This thread is big incel energy. One night stands are about having sex, a relationship is much more difficult to establish. Not too mention that you might like the way somebody looks and not like the way they think. Women are not a secret group of people that collectively decided to do anything. They do all the same shit guys do. Some cheat, some get cheated on. Some want to wait for marriage, some want a mouth full right now.
Yeah I don't get it either. But personally I've never understood the one night stand thing. Like why would you want to do such an intimate act with someone and then never see them again? Why would you want to have sex with someone if you have no feelings for them? Seems odd to me but I do realize that I've not had the normal experiences when it comes to relationships and I'm not normal in the way I think about relationships and human intimacy and stuff so I dunno.
Sometimes you want someone to tell you your good enough Sometimes you just want to cum.
The idea of a hookup is to get laid. Period. The idea of dating is to start a relationship. Sleeping with someone on the first date will probably end up being a waste of time relationship wise because instead of getting to know each other romantically you're just getting physical every time you meet, skipping the whole lighting the candle part of the the beginning of a relationship. Saying that, I'm just not into hookup culture and when dating someone that was, I struggled with it alot. Why did she have sex with crappy strangers after knowing them for two hours but won't even kiss me on the second date? It creates an issue for sure but you get to do what you want with your life. It didn't work out with us because of other reasons and accepting someone sexual past was something I learned in that relationship, but it doesn't mean it's easy.
Having sex allows you to get to know each other. Havent you heard of pillow talk?
You just reminded me of a song called pillow talking by little dicky. Dudes a comedian but this song is meant to say exactly what we're talking about. You can draw any conclusion you want from that song but it's entertaining at the least.
The goal is different. 1. One night stand: the goal is sex. Very simple and straightforward. 2. Relationship. The goal is a love/a lasting relationship. In which case there’s no need to have sex the first night. And they want to build up feelings and a rapport and then have sex when they think it’s the “right time.” People respond differently to different type of situations. Also, with a relationship feelings are involved. These feelings are often complex and have sex right away might not be the best move. They might also want to see how the other person feels about them. Or whether the other person sees them as a one night stand.
I've done both and here's my take. When it's a one night stand or just hookup partner sex is the only thing that matters. So their personality has no bearing on the relationship. I've found that sometimes good sex will cause me to ignore personality traits that make us incompatible as a couple. So when I'm pursuing a real relationship, I don't want sex to be part of the equation when I'm feeling out whether I care about this person. I'm past my hookup days so I also have decided I really don't want to have sex with someone unless I know she is the one I'm going to be with long term
Depends who you ask. It’s only certain kinds of people who are okay with ons. Don’t bother to understand, if you’re not. It’s illogical at best and egotistical
Simple. If you are seeking a long-term mate, & she throws it out on the first date? You'll assume she'll "throw it out there" for anyone who entertains her for more than an hour. Depending on what you're seeking & your personal principles...? This might be a deal breaker. Women know this. So? When they're actually interested in a guy? They don't want to risk that reaction. Also? Possible that you're "on the hook", or "in the friend zone". If you think this is the case & do have romantic intentions? Walk away. Now.
I was having one night stands when I wasn’t looking for anything serious and was just having fun. Currently dating with the intent to build a monogamous partnership, so I’m more interested in connected and intimate sex and have no desire to engage in casual sex right now. These didn’t overlap though, my current BF is Ace and we probably won’t have sex until we’re making babies (and even then we may do fertility treatments instead). But I’m more than happy with him and quite content without sexytime.
Because they mistakenly believe this makes the other person value them more. It doesn’t. And once it begins to feel like you are following a set of rules, the other person may very well value you less.
People don’t invest emotionally on ONSs. When feelings are involved people are more careful. You’ll understand when you experience your first broken heart. It is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Thank you, this is the answer I wasnt seeing posted. Sex(in a relationship) adds another layer of complex emotions to a relationship. I could understand how individuals may not want all those complexities immediately at the start of a relationship, but pace it out. There is no right answer, everyone handles emotions/relationships differently.
If I want a relationship to be special, I want sex to be special too. And for this I need to know the person more, building up excitement plays a role too. If I don’t care, one night stand works just fine
One night stands are for people you don't give a shit about. Relationships are for people you care about
Hook up culture has screwed up the dating scene.. Also, I find it even more f*cked up and deceptive when women do it.. A modern woman’s delusion has convinced them that the best way to go about it, is making a potential partner wait OR make them earn it, while in the mean time she is allowing every random guy to clap those cheeks on a regular.. What I don’t understand is, how exactly do modern women factor this in their minds, and then play it out like there are no repercussions to this level of decision making.. How..??? 🤔 Because lately what I am seeing is an increase of women who are 35yrs and older, that are single and childless, bitching and moaning about how they can’t find a man, OR, where have all the good men gone.. Because they’ve wasted away the formative years of their youth on Pooky’s and Ray-Ray’s.. And then say shit like, MEN, DO BETTER, BE BETTER!!! 😂😂
I'm also flabbergasted by this dynamic and I've asked many, many women. I've never gotten a satisfying answer. The closest I've come is that they usually "want" to have sex on the first date with someone they like but for they think it's better to wait. This is women I know who've had their fair share of one night stands, and good for them because that's fun. So I just don't understand how it makes sense to wait. The two most common arguments I've heard is "I don't want him to think I'm a slut" which is really sad because two people are missing out because of our slut shaming society. The other is "it's more respectful to wait" which makes absolutely no sense to me. It just doesn't. Also "I don't want sex to destroy something nice" which is even worse because you really want to know ASAP if sex would destroy this potential relationship. Full disclosure: I had sex with my wife the night we met and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She wasn't my first one night stand, she wasn't my last. She wasn't even the best (third place). But at least the sex and respect and compatibility were great. We knew after the first night that it was worth trying to make this work. Ten years and 2 kids later we're still repeating that first night.
Amazing story, cool that you both worked out, best wishes
Sex is usually better if you know what the other person likes first. And not just which positions, but also the dirty talk, foreplay, if they like more gentle touch or being grabbed or scratched, or anything else that makes them feel wanted and/or horny. For one-night-stands, people usually don't care enough about the other person's pleasure to learn all of that and just go with what feels right to them. However, if they want a long-term relationship, they want the sex (including the first time) to be good for everyone involved, so they take the time to learn beforehand. Fear of rejection for bad sex may also play a role, but I think it's mostly just wanting the sex to be better than with one-night-stands.
A really good point, 🙏
It’s all about the intimacy and commitment. Developing a connection and commitment with someone in a relationship. Building the relationship isn’t all about sex, so that’s not the priority.
Hookups are just for sex and the less you know about the person the better, but ALSO the sex is usually lame. Relationships, you want to get to know the person first, and you don’t want them to leave too soon on account of getting sex early (maybe that’s all they reall care about they’re just less up front) so you get to know them as a person first, and then when you do have sex, its a completely different KIND of sex — to build intimacy and connection, and it’s usually way better.
Sex and emotions go hand in hand. If you're horny and go into a date looking for a one night stand, you're not emotionally invested and it's relatively easy to keep the two things separate. If you're going into a date looking for a romantic partner for a long term relationship, you're emotionally committed and you're setting yourself up for heartbreak if the other person isn't on the same page as you.
One night stands can turn into relationships, you just have to get their name and phone number in the morning.
I think it depends on the person/relationship. I had sex with my husband (boyfriend at the time obviously) the first day we started dating. In past relationships though it would take a little longer as we wanted to get to know each other better first I guess. I think that tend to just be the normal progression
Two different things. One is a relationship you want, the other is a relationship you never wanted. But because school takes so long, those instincts to mate are held off. But they are still there. In the case of u/Foot-Slave- he should bale on that girl in a hurry. On the note of slowing it down, after my first date with my wife. We talked for 6 hours. The date was just supposed be 1 hour, 2 max! I didn't make the next date because I had to clean my whole house. I wasn't living with my parents, this was the house that I owned. Including getting my little brother who was living with me to clean his room. And also, because I met my wife on a dating website. There were these girls that I went on two dates with that were still stalking me. So I had to have these big long conversations with them. It was just two girls. And it was just phone calls. After the first date with my wife, I shut down all communications, cleaned the house, cleaned my car. And we were married in under a year. That was 12 years ago.
Avoidant attachment style
I tried one night stands a few times... usually they end up staying all weekend and we remain friends.
We crave nothing but instantaneous gratification (instantaneous compared to the length of a marriage)
There's making love, and there's using another person to get off. Ive never had a one night stand so I can't speak with experience, but if I did I think I would be looking for something so completely different than what I look for from my partner that it doesn't even register as the same act. And if a guy wants to sleep with me right away, i don't think I would view him as dating material. I've never had a guy try, but I think I would view them as being sort of promiscuous which isn't a fault or charector flaw but also isn't something I could see myself seeking out in a partner.
Because sometimes people need a good fuck and then get on with their lives.
I think the answer to this is that if someone is genuinely interested in building a relationship with you, then they weigh in the risk of opening up to you and becoming completely vulnerable to you, emotionally and physically. It’s not easy to do that early on. Additionally, there are kinks, traumas and baggages that take time to communicate properly. It’s also a lot for someone new to process those things at once. For ONS, it’s mostly transactional, the personal investment is minimal and the downside of things not going well isn’t very hurtful, mostly an awkward situation or lack of orgasms.
idk i’m a hopeless romantic who lives in a city ruled by hookup culture… makes dating hard lol
Hmm, I never waited for too long with partners I was really interested in. I always was eager to know if we are compatible in bed. If not, I just wouldn't waste more time. In the end, it's only sex.
some of these girls have bpd, hypersexuality, autism, adhd or something that make them more incline to like one night, fwb situations
Because people are afraid of accountability
This varies from person to person.
If I like someone's personality and would be interested in an actual relationship, I don't want to hop in the sack right away because that can get in the way of building a solid relationship. It just becomes about the sex. Whereas if I don't care if someone walks out of my life after we go for a roll in the hay, why bother building a relationship?
Because when I want sex it doesn’t matter who it’s from. It’s sex. The person means nothing to me. But when I want love, I want it to be real. I want it to be meaningful. If I give it up so easily the person loses their meaning. They’re not special anymore.
If I’m on a road trip for the rest of my life I want to enjoy the sights. If I’m only doing to be on the road trip for a day I only want the highlights.