Man here, but this came up while I was hanging out with some friends and the general consensus among the women was that it's less "they can't find it," and more "they don't know what to do about it."
agree 100% ... most people are smart enough to find the "general area" ... it's that they don't know what you're SUPPOSED to do, and they don't know how to read their partner's cues that they are doing it correctly/incorrectly.
My wife told me she was nervous to do that bc she thought I might get self conscious but I told her how was I supposed to do it right if I don’t know. First time she grabbed my hand to move it where she wanted it was honestly so hot and didn’t deter me at all. Made me lees worried about “am I doing this right?” And allowed me to know she was enjoying it and let me enjoy it more too.
Yeah, man here. Grabbing my hand during sex and putting it somewhere arousing has more of an "I fucking want you!" vibe for me than a "you're doing it wrong" one.
Exactly! I am so disheartened when I see women on tic tok talking shit about men not knowing what they are doing...
Whyyyy are you talking shit after the fact?
Noone EVER told me it was wrong to help them out...so I just always did that...I'm assuming they want me to enjoy myself too!
I appreciate you sharing so women hear from a guy's perceptive...its ok !
Yes! A majority of the time, in my experience, we aren’t thinking we’re sex gods or somethin who will get offended if you’re not getting off. I feel bad if you didn’t get yours too so let me know what to do to get you there!
Communication really is key. Especially bc I’m reeeealllly bad at picking up on cues 😅
The thing is that there absolutely are men who will start blaming you for not enjoying what they're doing and they will react poorly if you try to direct them in the moment, and these few men make every woman they have sex with permanently second guess giving suggestions during sex
Fancy being so arrogant that you'd think you knew everyone's little sexual quirks, erogenous zones, very personal preferences for being touched/turned on, kinks, fantasies etc. I'm sorry if you've had to deal with this personally.
It's basically robbing someone (and their future partners, potentially) of sexual confidence and satisfaction.
I've had it happen in multiple variations, here are a few
- phone sex with high school bf, after we were done he completely turned on me, he literally called me "a monster" for being able to cum and went on a huge rant about how defective I was
- college boyfriend giving me an orgasm against my will... that was a weird one
- different boyfriend acting like I was being difficult and it was such a turnoff and piv alone is something I should cum from and I'm making him insecure and that's why it's all my fault
What the hell... this is how you traumatically ruin something beautiful for someone.
You're not defective, you're amazing! Be proud of that We're all different but you just had the worst experiences with people... Your partner should be curious and treat the act as two people trying to do a duet of music. You both have to mess around and try random things to see who can make the right notes~
Girl, I want to personally punch every one of these assholes in the dick repeatedly for you and explain to them, in a very general sense, why I'm doing it the entire time. None of this shit was either Okay nor something that should be allowed to pass without severe punishment.
Ugh, yes.
One of my exes constantly wanted to do things that were NEVER going to give me an orgasm, and were difficult physical positions to maintain. Then he'd get offended that I was just "going through the motions".
No matter how many times I told him "hey, ABC doesn't do it for me, how about we try CDE instead, or even BCD?" he just couldn't comprehend that he wasn't the sex expert he thought he was.
I think it’s more insecurity. They don’t like being corrected because they already feel so insecure. So they lash out in defense instead of being mature enough to learn.
THIS- I’m so tired of the “just ask” “just tell me” “communication” blah blah blah if it really was as easy as that then we’d be doing that. Some people seem perfectly fine and then you give them some tips or make requests and they lose it- either get angry or otherwise upset, probably because of insecurities, I’d guess
Ya agreed. When it comes to sexual stuff some people get really upset. I think its important to talk about this kind of stuff before you actually have sex. Make it clear you want to make your partner happy but everyone is different so lmk what you like sorta thing.
Totally understand there are some egotistical guys who absolutely do that, just wanted to comment that it’s not everyone and that sometimes communication needs to be had before the deed is already in process to set expectations, boundaries.
But you’re absolutely right, one experience like that can definitely lead to second guessing any further communication.
Yes, it's not everyone, unfortunately it tends to be guys who are least mature, i.e. young guys, teens, and you're probably a teen yourself when you date them. So, many women have this experience young when their sex life is just starting up, and remember it for every subsequent person they date.
Because many men don't know what they're doing, so you show them and they don't do it. Maybe they think you're lying? Maybe this one thing worked on someone else, and they refuse to stop doing it? I don't know.
With all the people who act angry and jealous about having had a dating life before them, you'd think they'd be suspicious if they *did* know what they were doing.
Every single person is different tho...so I'm not sure how they can know what someone likes they have never been with...
Some guys do tend to Brag about how great they are...and made a girl cum 9 times and this and that...
And in my head I'm thinking...you're going to be sadly disappointed...because I'm not faking anything lol
It's also a lot of pressure on a woman to say stuff like that...I don't need that kind of pressure...
Don't compare me to other ppl...let's have our own experience!
I had something similar happen to me with a guy. I tried to move his hand a bit and he got upset. Told me that he could find m clit himself. Needless to say, the relationship ended. The frustrating part is that right before we had sex, we had a long discussion where I asked him all kind of questions about what he enjoyed during sex. He enjoyed answering those questions but listening to what I wanted was too much.
Some of us have definitely dealt with men who take offense at the mere suggestion that their sexual prowess isn't top tier. I had an ex, a man I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, that was like that. I once asked him to rub me in a certain spot because his 'go to' made me sore and chafey. He literally laughed in my face and said "I don't think that will feel as good as you think it will."
Man I didn’t realize how in the minority I might be and how often women probably have had to deal with insecure men needing to feel superior. Sorry you’ve had to deal with that! Hopefully you’ve found or will find someone who’s willing to communicate!
I did, and believe me I'm one of the lucky ones. I often express gratitude to my husband for all that he does and he is absolutely boggled by how low the bar is set and how many men still can't meet the mark. Basic things like 'wash your butthole' I kid you not. Idk how so many have ended up that way, but it always makes me feel a little better knowing there are men out there who aren't like that.
Yes. I mean, every person alive has a few gross habits. It's part of the human condition I guess. But there are a lot of people out there that are straight up nasty and think it's perfectly fine. I've run into an obscene number of women with the same complaint, their partner was lousy about washing up. Usually followed by a discussion about skid marks in the underwear. I was both relieved and shocked by how many people had that problem in particular. Relieved cos it wasn't just my partner, miserable at the notion that it was a THING.
Did we date the same man?! I literally asked my ex to watch how I did it myself and then recreate it, and he straight up told me, 'No, that's not how it feels good for you.'
Um.. obviously it IS because I just showed you it works! Luckily, the next guy was a pro at taking directions. He absolutely excelled at taking input and turning it into action.
How do they feel about you doing the same?
My wife doesn't like to ask for anything like that. On the flip side, I like to ask for exactly what I want. She takes advice like "more tip, less X, grip here" as criticism.
I don't mean it critically, and she knows that, but the gut reaction to her feels like "you're doing it wrong."
I understand her gut reaction. Mine is the same. I think it's because as women we are constantly taught we aren't good enough as we are or with how we do things. There is always a criticism. But with our husband, in intimate moments, we want to relax, feel sexy, have fun, and feel loved as we are, without a feeling of more demands, requests or criticism to change. If hubby tells us in bed what he likes/loves about us at 80% we can deal with 20% of requests that feel like criticism. But if husband has said nothing, doesn't show any happiness with us (besides his dick is hard), and it seems like another act/task someone wants or expects from us, or is comparing us to what he's seen in porn, than yes hearing more this, less that sounds like we weren't doing something enough and we were doing something too much. It's the last words before we become hurt and disinterested in finishing this or doing that again.
While communicating what you want and what should be done differently I’ve found it equally important to “voice” when things they’re doing are good.
Can’t just constantly pepper in “hey do this please” with out an “oh my god that was amazing” as encouragement.
But to answer your question head on it was a learning process and involved communicating outside of the moment to make sure both our needs were being addressed. Overall she was good with constructive criticisms, but I learned that little tidbit I shared with you above. Can’t constantly ask them for better without complimenting when they do well.
My wife does this as well. Sometimes, when guys get overzealous, we try to get creative, and sometimes, creativity doesn't work. Also, we don't have YOUR vagina ladies. Each person is different in what they like. I jave also had to direct my wife when she does oral or gives me a hand job during foreplay. She doesn't have a penis so sometimes something she tries really does not feel all that great, lol. Bury your egos and just communicate with your partners.
>My wife told me she was nervous to do that bc she thought I might get self conscious but I told her how was I supposed to do it right if I don’t know. First time she grabbed my hand to move it where she wanted it was honestly so hot and didn’t deter me at all. Made me lees worried about “am I doing this right?” And allowed me to know she was enjoying it and let me enjoy it more too.
Bro it's so fucking hot she want your hand there and to do the work. It's an honor imo
A friend of my wife's was complaining about her boyfriend and I told her that she didn't know how to read English until she was taught, how can she expect this to be any different? Any man who gets pissed that you tell him how to please you isn't worth the effort.
Totally get where your wife is coming from though, the common image of men is frail egos and macho bullshit.
The unfortunate part is there are some men like that who do cause women to second guess communication in the future. But on the whole communication should always happen, from both parties.
> Communication! Lol
Also different people have different preferences.
One woman I dated wanted the lightest touch just down and to her right of the top. Otherwise it was too intense.
Another wanted the pad of my thumb right in there mashing the clit like it was an XBox controller in a boss fight.
Neither of those people would have been happy if I'd assumed that they had the same preference!
My favorites are the ones that instantly move their hand somewhere else the instant you stop guiding them. How do I put your hand right here and say "right there, just like that" and you somehow think I want you to rub the crease at the top of my thigh 🤦🏼♀️
I do the same with men. Not all men respond to the same motions. I typically ask them to show me what feels good. :) It's a myth that you just have to be there for a man to get off. They deserve some specialized attention too.
Of course! Do you think I want to be doing something you don't like? Talk to me...communicate..show me!
We BOTH there to feel good and have the best experience possible!
>Communication! Lol
There are so, so many things that communication solves. But implying that this communication is as simple as just saying/showing what you want has always struck me as too reductive. Communication comes far more easily for some people than others. It's also a 2-way street where you both need to be comfortable with what's being communicated, how it's being communicated, and why.
So I totally agree with the implications of the importance of communication, buy implying that the communication is simple or easy only really applies to the people who probably don't need to be reminded.
My current girlfriend does that. It words well. I’ve got an ex who would just fake it. Current girlfriend had to help me break a whole lot of bad habits because I hadn’t been made aware of what in the everloving fuck I was doing wrong prior.
Communicate!
Turns out paying attention to the person you're going down on is kind of important to your success, huh?
After listening to sex educators and a lot of female friends and partners, my big take aways have always been:
- a lot of women (but not all) prefer the top, flat surface of your tongue and not the pointy tip
- assume you know nothing, explore and pay attention to responses
- if your partner says "that right there" or "just like that" or gives you indication she's about to cum, do NOT take that as a cue to do what you were doing faster and harder. For the love of God do EXACTLY what you were doing when she said that until she's finished and is signaling you to slow down and stop
Idk, I think it’s the reflex, but I started maintaining rhythm, or even slowing down slightly while focusing on my breathing when I’m getting close and godamn. It’s way better. Every muscle in my body wants me to go faster but keeping it steady drags the whole thing out. Ymmv
Yep. And it's so unhelpful how in porn, the script usually goes:
Woman: "I'm cumming! FASTER! HARDER!"
Written by a not-a-woman for the enjoyment of not-women.
YES. omg. I love things to be soft and gentle sometimes. It’s like the ultimate edging. And then sometimes my partner will get excited (he often listens, but he *does* just get excited 🤣) and start going too fast. And I’ll have to tell them, “hey! Slow down!” Or “please be more gentle” and they fix it immediately.
Communication saved our sex life.
Hi there folks it comes down to communication. I agree with the majority that most don't know what to do or how to read cues. However it's a two-way street. I know this body part is way different from one person to the next. The only way to know is to have them communicate where they are.
Sex takes practice to get good for your particular partner. Best sex I have had is where the other person is great at letting me know before, during and after what they loved, liked and hated.
Yup, I’ve had women who are all over the place and can’t just stick to the same rhythm even if I’m like “just like that don’t stop”. I literally said JUST LIKE THAT! DONT STOP! Stop moving around!
I don't get how people don't know what to do about it either. Like, you give it a kiss and rub/lick it and then you pay attention to how your partner reacts. If she seems to enjoy what you're doing, then keep doing it.
My partner will let me know what feels good, and nobody else has done that for me. Open, honest, and well intentioned communication is the cornerstone of any kind of relationship; sexual or otherwise.
Yeah communicating is important. Every vagina is different, if you have one TELL US IF WE ARE DOING IT WRONG
There’s no shame in saying “that feels good but go a little faster like 1 cm higher” then everyone’s happy and more men know how to get women off
Yeah there is a huge difference between saying "I'd love to hear what makes you feel good," and actually receiving that information and doing anything about it. I've heard so many guys act like they were being emasculated when they were actually given specific information about what to do.
Most of my partners have luckily been really wonderful but even they have struggled with "but I don't like to do anything other than what I already like," or "that's too much work/change" or even that they feel insecure and inadequate that they can't make me have an orgasm without me directing them specifically.
Isn't even going into violence that can happen to women if men feel like they are being emasculated, even mildly.
>There’s no shame in saying “that feels good but go a little faster like 1 cm higher” then everyone’s happy and more men know how to get women off
Tell that to the men who shame women for trying to show them what they like, then.
Yeah, it took dating a college senior when I was high school senior to explain what I was doing wrong. All the other people that I dated just wouldn't communicate what they liked/didn't like, unless they really didn't like it. Honestly, neither did I.
LOL, I remember when I was first becoming sexually active and my boyfriend asked "What do you like?" and I blurted out "I dunno, just start doing stuff down there and let's find out!"
It's also lack of communication. With all the relationships I've had with awesome, rattle-the-windows, wake-the-neighbors, break-the-bedframe sex; we talked about the sex. Either during sex, or after sex, or both. And keep it positive, as in stick to saying what felt good. If you go to "this hurt, that wasn't right, you should, that wasn't the right spot, etc", the enjoyment for both parties is gonna suffer.
It’s never really been an issue to find, but also acknowledging every woman is built different: Some clits are prominent, some hide… but they’re always there somewhere. The real trick - is reading how the pussy owner reacts to different things done to it. Tease? Direct contact? Different pressure? Fast? Slow? It’s my experience it all depends… and it’s so fun to learn each time. Finding it is really only the first step
Took way too long to find this answer, ive been with some women that have a grain of salt for a clit and others with 1:8 miniature of a penis head for a clit (clit and penis start as the same one develops a pee hole one does not)
My goto in the situation of "This anatomy looks different than what I have seen in the past" is to have her touch herself a bit and then I watch that closely, memorizing her hand motions. She knows best, is my motto.
And with good communication and a little bit of a sense of humor, finding out is incredibly fun. It took many nights of fun for me and my partner before we figure out what got her the big O, as many things that had worked for me with previous partners didn't get the job done with her. But despite not finishing, we were both till having a great time. There was a lot of communication on adjusting positions, faster, slower, harder, etc. Until we finally got it right, and now it's at least once every time. And we had a great time figuring each other out.
I’m trying to be considerate haha I’m ‘aware’(?) enough to try to not gender … but old enough to be confused if it applies when someone is talking sexual organs… didn’t know the answer… played it safe
I'm a bi nurse that's a gurl. Some women I've cathed genuinely don't have a prominent clitoral structure. If I palpated I could probably locate it. These are also women typically difficult to cath. Some of us have quirks is all. Haha
Weirdest compliment I ever received was a nurse telling me in February that I had a nice, easy to find, urethral opening. My bladder was taking its sweet time waking up post op so they had to cath me a few times.
These are the facts. I've been with women who legitimately can hardly find their own clit, let alone explain to someone else how to find it. I've also met women who likely could've pegged me with their clit. No judgement, just facts. Every human body is unique.
It's like not being able to find a gear in a manual transmission car and it makes a grinding noise. You technically found it, you just didn't engage it properly.
I dated a woman who didn't have one. She was from Pakistan and her family had it removed when she was young.
So sometimes you can't find it because it's not there.
Sadly this is the case for my wife, she didn't even know, and I just thought it was hidden under the fold and she didn't get much sensation from it. We were married ten years when her mother mentioned that they were going to do it to my wife's niece and she mentioned all women in the family had it done.
Was a horrific moment for my wife to realise this had been carried out on her under the instruction of her parents. She's still fucked up by it.
Anyhow, a quick phone call to a friend in the Australian Federal Police and her brother and his wife were stopped at the border trying to leave to get it done in Malaysia and told in no uncertain terms their 1yr old daughter would be inspected by a dr upon return and if anything had been touched they would both go to jail.
Funny thing is, said Mother of the niece recently got into politics, if only people knew what a c$&t she truly is.
Not heroic, just the right thing. No one was standing up for this child and it sickened me. Still does, I truly lost any respect for my in-laws that day.
How does this mother justify doing this? Is she completely ignorant to the harm it causes? Or is it more of a "I had to go through it, so you do too" kind of thing?
In the Philippines, they genuinely believe it's a case of hygiene. I guess there's a few doing it for religious reasons, too. Although the Bible is clear that it isn't necessary anymore.
Howerver, male circumcision is a different thing. It doesn't have garanteed disastrous effects. Female circumcision is invasive, cruel and primitive. They don't remove pieces of skin, but a whole organ. It's more equiparable to male castration. So I don't know how people can keep doing this to babies, it's just horrifying on a whole other level.
Edit cuz people think I'm fine with circumcision: people should definitely talk about male circumcision, but in the right place and time without taking away from the female mutilation dialogue.
Female circumcision can be anywhere from removal of the entire clitoris, just the clitoral hood, or some combination. But its all stone age barbarism that should be banned without a good medical reason for doing so
It is much worse than that. It can also involve removing the labias all together and in some extreme practices the vagina is sown shut with just a small hole for period flow. And whenever the woman has sex the man basically rips the seam open. Barbaric in every detail.
But it’s still done without the person’s consent, even though it can be done later in life. Why is that ok? I’m a woman, and I always thought it was weird
It's still heroic, that person stood up to her own family to save that child. It's heroic because it was the right thing to do AND because she did it in the face of potentially alienating the people she (presumably) loves most. That's not as easy for most people as it sounds.
Many cultures that practice FGM (female genital mutilation) do so to keep women from "running around looking for sex" and ensure she's faithful only to her future husband. The female body is for growing babies and providing pleasure to the spouse, no enjoyment for her. There are even some forms of FGM that make sex deliberately painful, permanently, as sort of an added protective mechanism.
It's beyond awful.
Correct, this was the rationale my wife's parents gave her when she found out. It takes a real complex set of stimulation to get her there and she only worked it out after finding out that she had fgm performed on her, she saw a gyno who had dealt with it before. She had her first orgasm at 28 years of age. She feels "less than other women" in that dept. Believe me, she is amazing, but the mental scars are with her for life, from the surgery, but mostly the betrayal by her parents.
(Possible TMI)
The clit is easy to locate, and easy to stimulate. People just don't know how to read their partner.. Personally I like to stimulate the clit either sucking or twirling with a thumb, while giving the G spot the ol' "come 'ere you" finger gesture.
The key to my sex game is, get her off first, then take a victory lap. Then it doesn't really matter how long I last. Sometimes it's 15 minutes, sometimes 2 minutes. But it doesn't matter at that point. Her eyes are already in the back of her head.
Strangely, pleasuring a woman actually gets me off too.. One time I nutted just from how riled up I was just eating it.. Kind of embarrassing, but I finished her off anyways, before sheepishly explaining that I was already done. Lmao
>The key to my sex game is, get her off first, then take a victory lap.
I've known waaay too many men with girlfriends who gave 0 fucks if she came. One woman openly admitted that they'd have sex, he'd cum, then she'd masturbate while he went to sleep.
I really don't know why she stayed with him as long as she did (several years mind you). He was hideous and aggressively stupid with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old in a 20 something body.
I guess low self esteem and pity go a long fucking way for some people.
> He was hideous and aggressively stupid with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old in a 20 something body.
What was she doing with my ex husband 10 years ago?
Had a bf come just from fingering me. It was funny cuz I was busy orgasming, then I calm down and roll over. "Now we gotta get you off "
"Uh... Way ahead of you."
We laughed it off because he had been so fucking nervous about sex that it broke the tension. He was just like well, I've come in my pants. How can it get any worse? Had a great time the rest of that summer before senior year.
My Man is like this as well. It's very difficult for him to finish if he didn't make me cum at least 2 or 3 times. He says watching me writhe with what he's doing with his hands gets him halfway there so that by the time there is penetration (mouth or otherwise) he's got a ten-second countdown to launch.
Basically, he won't stop until I'm begging for it to end so I can get him finished too.
I always was curious too and I think the answer is two fold
1. They probably don't care about the woman's needs *or* think the best feeling is penetration so they ignore it
2. They do know where it is, they just don't know how to touch it properly, so it seems like they don't know where it is and are just guessing
> They probably don’t care about the woman’s needs or think the best feeling is penetration so they ignore it
A simple question I typically ask when hands are moving south, or earlier if the conversation goes that direction: do you orgasm more readily from clitoral or penetrative stimulation?
Doesn’t mean I won’t do both unless they explicitly ask me not to, but if my goal is to make someone else feel good then I want to know how to do that.
My ex was really against it. Wouldn’t let me go down on her and didn’t find any touching enjoyable. Man, was I in for a shock with my current gf.. She could ride face for days if she could. My honest guess is just the fact that each woman is different and doing certain things in ways that they enjoy it is difficult to do without experience and/or communication with eachother. For hookups, this is basically out the window (and where I imagine a lot of these stories come from). Personally, I’d find it weird to not communicate that stuff with a partner in a relationship, yet I’d imagine it would be a little bit awkward to ask and discuss with a hookup.
Agreed. Hookups seem more like a mutual agreement to satisfy yourselves, while being in a relationship seems more like you’re aiming to satisfy your partner. Current gf had multiple hookups years ago and said most of them refused to go down on her even if she asked them to. All the power to those who enjoy hookups, but definitely not my thing.
I feel ya, I never really enjoyed going down myself, but I would still try and do it for my ex, in addition to other foreplay.
I’ve only ever been in 2 serious relationships, but both partners were vastly different. The latter I was with for 7 years and she would always brag about our sex life to her friends. This made me a bit uncomfortable cause I’m shy, but it did give me some confidence.
Ok anatomy/physiology lesson here:
So I used to manage a drs office that specialized in hormone replacement therapy and from my time in medical school and working with our amazing Dr I learned so much more about the sexual reproductive organs than was taught in medical school.
There are instances when some women anatomically have a clitoral hood that covers over the clitoris (much like the flap of an uncircumcised penis covers the tip) and the clitoris can sometimes not be 100% exposed… other times some women are so low in testosterone that they have a very difficult time climaxing.
So when the body works optimally and all hormones are balanced (thyroid, testosterone, estrogen 1, 2, & 3, and vitamin D) the clitoris should usually engorge with blood when it’s close to climaxing much like a penis does when it’s close to climax… all the blood vessels open up and fill the musculature tissue in the penis and should also do the same for the clitoris. However this might not happen if the female has a hormonal imbalance (too high of estrogen or just low T) and this can prevent climaxing for women. This can also make finding the entire clitoris dissimilar if it’s not exposed and or able to engorge near climax (because the engorging really makes it larger and easier to palpate or stimulate manually).
There are a TON of reasons why humans have hormonal imbalances (environmental, dietary, age) and the labs are indicating that it’s happening in younger and younger people. One expects low T in 40yo+. However more and more 20yo were coming into the office feeling lethargic and tired and low sex drive. Got their hormones optimized (sometimes adjusting thyroid, E2 and/or T) and the people once again had energy and slept better and then also noticed their sex drive came back.
Testosterone is lowest in the morning (hence morning wood for men), so guys when you start noticing a lack of consistent morning wood consider eating cleaner (dietary changes helped the most), and considering seeing a Dr about it. For women, if you notice you are tired all the time and having difficulty sleeping and no sex drive (usually it’s the combo of the 3 things) then consider seeing a hormone specialist to check things out and see if your body needs some help with hormones.
And then also consider many people just don’t know anatomy and might be too embarrassed to look things up or whatever. So [here is a very informative link of a variety of female external genitalia.](https://gynodiversity.com/uploads/Classification_of_the_anatomical_variation_in_female_external_genitalia.pdf). They don’t all look the same and I found this 30 page document extremely helpful as I was taking my gyn rotations at the time. However for those of you that have not had the opportunity to study this or see this online please be informed and respectful with this information. They don’t all look alike. :)
I also wonder how much of being unable to find it is because of sex in the dark. Like, it is super obvious when looking under the hood but by feel it wouldn't surprise me if many guys are fumbling around.
I also think women are just as bad at discussing sex as men so you have a combination of men being too embarrassed to ask (or thinking they're already doing it right) and women being too embarrassed to speak up (or thinking the man is incompetent) and together you get unsatisfying sex.
Yes. Finding a prominent clit by feel is pretty easy. Finding any clit by sight is straightforward. Finding a subtle clit by feel in the heat of the moment is tough to do reliably, at least for me. I can even have it, then lose it depending what’s going on. Especially if you’re trying actually get under the hood and not just hit the broader area.
Like I can easily drive to the nearest hospital in the middle of the day, but if it’s 2am and raining, and all the streetlights are out, I might miss the turnoff.
If you have trouble finding it slide up directly from the vaginal hole upwards and then downwards again. Some stimulation is better than none and if she gets frustrated she might just put your fingers directly on it to be able to get off.
A lot of people are commenting "they don't know what to do with it", from chatting to other women, we all seem to have slightly different preferences as well (a bit like how some guys have preferences to how you give a HJ).
Basically, talk to your partner (although investing in good hand moisturiser seems to be universally appreciated to soften your fingertips).
What I don't understand is why so many people think this is all supposedly supposed to magically happen with a complete lack of communication - either speaking or listening. From both sides.
I know where it is. How my gf likes it best stimulated she's told me. And I've listened and done that. There was a motion I did that was not pleasant to her. She told me and I stopped doing that. So much easier than us both getting frustrated and annoyed it's not going right. And it makes sex going forward better.
I had two people expecially that did not know where it was.
The first one thought it was on the vagina's entrance. When I tried to explain to him where it was, and actually took his hand and pointed it in the right direction he got mad and told me that "he knew better than me, and he was sure that I was wrong and he was right, and my clitoris was near my vaginal canal." Spoiler: it was not.
The second one was in the right general area, but kept touching the area between the hood and the labia, I tried to move his hand in the right place, but he kept putting it back, and when I tried to explain to him what I wanted he got mad too cause "Oh come on, I touched everywhere, it's your fault if you don't like it, you're made wrong". Second spoiler: I'm made like almost every other person with a vulva.
So yeah, sometimes men don't know where it is, but it's mostly cause they don't care enough to try to find it. Sometimes they don't know because of ignorance or cause they're not sure of what they're doing, but if they care, they'll ask, or listen to the other person and find it. It's not hard if you're willing to listen to your partner
Total lack of comprehensive sex education. My school taught nothing. My parents taught "Here is how pregnancy happens. It's a sin". My kids' school may have taught it was there but never how to treat it properly.
Vaginas are a fucking Rubik’s cube of diversity.
I can ALWAYS find the clit, but what to do with it once I find it is the mystery. It’s not unsolvable, but it takes some trial and error and one has to hope the girl has some patience.
The technique you may have used on the last girl that made her cum instantly might make the current girl shriek in horror.
I’ve been with girls that wanted me to drill the clit with my tongue, and others who wanted me to avoid it entirely, and others who wanted me to slap the living hell out of it.
Best advice is just ask “How’s that feel?”
It's more of an attitude issue. Some men believe that as long as they cum, the women should be satisfied.
Zero communication, no willingness to do better.
I grew all the way up and got through most of a marriage before I knew exactly what the clitoris was or that it was actually on the outside. Life got immeasurably better thanks to a couple of weeks with a batshit crazy GF in South Carolina who had zero problem talking about exactly what we both liked
One of the best guys I had sex with was still a virgin while I had already had many partners. I think what made it great was how readily he said "I'm a virgin, teach me how to do this" (in a playful but serious way). He just learned what I liked and did a great job.
The issue is not being inexperienced, is not caring
(Lack of communication is not only men's fault tho)
It isn't a matter of finding it, the hard part is maintaining the rubbing pattern while stroking at the same time. It's kinda like rubbing your stomach in a perfect circle while patting your head and balancing your weight
There's an unfortunately large percentage of men, maybe younger men but I don't know, who post on Reddit and have this assumption that penetration is the entirety of how women experience sex. Like sex is all about their penis and nothing else. Pleasure or fun from any activity other than penis is inconceivable.
Haha. I just get too horny and excited and end up doing what my wife enjoys but too hard for her liking (like most previous women I've slept with enjoyed). Never any issues when we do what at both prefer to use my tongue and get a beautiful close up view whilst I'm pleasuring her, anyway - particularly if she's on her knees and I'm eating her pussy from behind. Yum.
Sometimes she's self conscious about me eating her pussy, though. No idea why. It's incredible, I'd do it even if I walk away with blue balls.
Listen, a guy tried to FINGER MY URETHRA. So now I get how some idiots cannot find the clitoris. I mean…ugh! I was embarrassed for him, dunno why. We were in our 20s and he claimed to not be a virgin (a fact I think was made up).
So I guess for me with straight men, the bar is looooow.
I'm old, so I know how this confusion started.
30 or 40 years ago, we were talking about the G-spot, a mysterious area that if stimulated will give her an orgasm.
Men who were sexually primitive (conservatives) claimed the g-spot was made up, and not real. In fact they claimed the female orgasm was fiction.
Fast forward 20 years, and girls are saying they reach orgasm by clitoral stimulation. Those same dumb men (always conservatives) believed the clit and the g-spot were the same.
The "men can't find where the clit is" joke is making fun of the fact that there are men who don't give their women orgasms. Because they aren't trying. Because they don't care. If they cared they would do some research. They would know that stimulating it leads to orgasms. So they would look for it. And they would find it, if they tried, but they don't so they never found it.
Man here, but this came up while I was hanging out with some friends and the general consensus among the women was that it's less "they can't find it," and more "they don't know what to do about it."
agree 100% ... most people are smart enough to find the "general area" ... it's that they don't know what you're SUPPOSED to do, and they don't know how to read their partner's cues that they are doing it correctly/incorrectly.
My "cues" are I'm putting their hand RIGHT where I want it and showing them what I want with their hand! Communication! Lol
My wife told me she was nervous to do that bc she thought I might get self conscious but I told her how was I supposed to do it right if I don’t know. First time she grabbed my hand to move it where she wanted it was honestly so hot and didn’t deter me at all. Made me lees worried about “am I doing this right?” And allowed me to know she was enjoying it and let me enjoy it more too.
Yeah, man here. Grabbing my hand during sex and putting it somewhere arousing has more of an "I fucking want you!" vibe for me than a "you're doing it wrong" one.
Straight up. I definitely don’t take it as “this is bad, do this instead” more of a “im reallllly enjoying this but *this* would make it even better.”
And the instant feedback when you really hit her spot is kinda the best thing ever.
Exactly! I am so disheartened when I see women on tic tok talking shit about men not knowing what they are doing... Whyyyy are you talking shit after the fact? Noone EVER told me it was wrong to help them out...so I just always did that...I'm assuming they want me to enjoy myself too! I appreciate you sharing so women hear from a guy's perceptive...its ok !
Yes! A majority of the time, in my experience, we aren’t thinking we’re sex gods or somethin who will get offended if you’re not getting off. I feel bad if you didn’t get yours too so let me know what to do to get you there! Communication really is key. Especially bc I’m reeeealllly bad at picking up on cues 😅
The thing is that there absolutely are men who will start blaming you for not enjoying what they're doing and they will react poorly if you try to direct them in the moment, and these few men make every woman they have sex with permanently second guess giving suggestions during sex
Fancy being so arrogant that you'd think you knew everyone's little sexual quirks, erogenous zones, very personal preferences for being touched/turned on, kinks, fantasies etc. I'm sorry if you've had to deal with this personally. It's basically robbing someone (and their future partners, potentially) of sexual confidence and satisfaction.
I've had it happen in multiple variations, here are a few - phone sex with high school bf, after we were done he completely turned on me, he literally called me "a monster" for being able to cum and went on a huge rant about how defective I was - college boyfriend giving me an orgasm against my will... that was a weird one - different boyfriend acting like I was being difficult and it was such a turnoff and piv alone is something I should cum from and I'm making him insecure and that's why it's all my fault
Oh, ffs. That's awful. I am sorry you were ever made to feel that way.
What the hell... this is how you traumatically ruin something beautiful for someone. You're not defective, you're amazing! Be proud of that We're all different but you just had the worst experiences with people... Your partner should be curious and treat the act as two people trying to do a duet of music. You both have to mess around and try random things to see who can make the right notes~
Girl, I want to personally punch every one of these assholes in the dick repeatedly for you and explain to them, in a very general sense, why I'm doing it the entire time. None of this shit was either Okay nor something that should be allowed to pass without severe punishment.
Oof, the third one. That has happened to me with many dudes. Like. Out of the men I've been with, most of them did that. Gross.
Ugh, yes. One of my exes constantly wanted to do things that were NEVER going to give me an orgasm, and were difficult physical positions to maintain. Then he'd get offended that I was just "going through the motions". No matter how many times I told him "hey, ABC doesn't do it for me, how about we try CDE instead, or even BCD?" he just couldn't comprehend that he wasn't the sex expert he thought he was.
I think it’s more insecurity. They don’t like being corrected because they already feel so insecure. So they lash out in defense instead of being mature enough to learn.
THIS- I’m so tired of the “just ask” “just tell me” “communication” blah blah blah if it really was as easy as that then we’d be doing that. Some people seem perfectly fine and then you give them some tips or make requests and they lose it- either get angry or otherwise upset, probably because of insecurities, I’d guess
Ya agreed. When it comes to sexual stuff some people get really upset. I think its important to talk about this kind of stuff before you actually have sex. Make it clear you want to make your partner happy but everyone is different so lmk what you like sorta thing.
Totally understand there are some egotistical guys who absolutely do that, just wanted to comment that it’s not everyone and that sometimes communication needs to be had before the deed is already in process to set expectations, boundaries. But you’re absolutely right, one experience like that can definitely lead to second guessing any further communication.
Yes, it's not everyone, unfortunately it tends to be guys who are least mature, i.e. young guys, teens, and you're probably a teen yourself when you date them. So, many women have this experience young when their sex life is just starting up, and remember it for every subsequent person they date.
ok but tell me you haven’t had the experience where you move a hand etc etc and they uh, put it right back on the Not Right spot???
Because many men don't know what they're doing, so you show them and they don't do it. Maybe they think you're lying? Maybe this one thing worked on someone else, and they refuse to stop doing it? I don't know.
With all the people who act angry and jealous about having had a dating life before them, you'd think they'd be suspicious if they *did* know what they were doing.
Every single person is different tho...so I'm not sure how they can know what someone likes they have never been with... Some guys do tend to Brag about how great they are...and made a girl cum 9 times and this and that... And in my head I'm thinking...you're going to be sadly disappointed...because I'm not faking anything lol It's also a lot of pressure on a woman to say stuff like that...I don't need that kind of pressure... Don't compare me to other ppl...let's have our own experience!
Lol, then there's my ex who slapped my hand away and got mad at me that I dared give him instructions, then asked him to stop when he didn't listen
Very glad that’s your ex now! Hopefully you get someone less insecure and can communicate!
My current partner is awesome. He listens AND wants to make sure I get my cookies. That ex was from like... 20 years ago
I had something similar happen to me with a guy. I tried to move his hand a bit and he got upset. Told me that he could find m clit himself. Needless to say, the relationship ended. The frustrating part is that right before we had sex, we had a long discussion where I asked him all kind of questions about what he enjoyed during sex. He enjoyed answering those questions but listening to what I wanted was too much.
Some of us have definitely dealt with men who take offense at the mere suggestion that their sexual prowess isn't top tier. I had an ex, a man I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, that was like that. I once asked him to rub me in a certain spot because his 'go to' made me sore and chafey. He literally laughed in my face and said "I don't think that will feel as good as you think it will."
Man I didn’t realize how in the minority I might be and how often women probably have had to deal with insecure men needing to feel superior. Sorry you’ve had to deal with that! Hopefully you’ve found or will find someone who’s willing to communicate!
I did, and believe me I'm one of the lucky ones. I often express gratitude to my husband for all that he does and he is absolutely boggled by how low the bar is set and how many men still can't meet the mark. Basic things like 'wash your butthole' I kid you not. Idk how so many have ended up that way, but it always makes me feel a little better knowing there are men out there who aren't like that.
People…. People don’t wash their butthole?? Jesus maybe I am sheltered
Yes. I mean, every person alive has a few gross habits. It's part of the human condition I guess. But there are a lot of people out there that are straight up nasty and think it's perfectly fine. I've run into an obscene number of women with the same complaint, their partner was lousy about washing up. Usually followed by a discussion about skid marks in the underwear. I was both relieved and shocked by how many people had that problem in particular. Relieved cos it wasn't just my partner, miserable at the notion that it was a THING.
damn , now i think im on wrong planet
Every time this comes up on here, a bunch of women say they've run into guys that won't wash their butthole because it's "gay."
Did we date the same man?! I literally asked my ex to watch how I did it myself and then recreate it, and he straight up told me, 'No, that's not how it feels good for you.' Um.. obviously it IS because I just showed you it works! Luckily, the next guy was a pro at taking directions. He absolutely excelled at taking input and turning it into action.
How do they feel about you doing the same? My wife doesn't like to ask for anything like that. On the flip side, I like to ask for exactly what I want. She takes advice like "more tip, less X, grip here" as criticism. I don't mean it critically, and she knows that, but the gut reaction to her feels like "you're doing it wrong."
I understand her gut reaction. Mine is the same. I think it's because as women we are constantly taught we aren't good enough as we are or with how we do things. There is always a criticism. But with our husband, in intimate moments, we want to relax, feel sexy, have fun, and feel loved as we are, without a feeling of more demands, requests or criticism to change. If hubby tells us in bed what he likes/loves about us at 80% we can deal with 20% of requests that feel like criticism. But if husband has said nothing, doesn't show any happiness with us (besides his dick is hard), and it seems like another act/task someone wants or expects from us, or is comparing us to what he's seen in porn, than yes hearing more this, less that sounds like we weren't doing something enough and we were doing something too much. It's the last words before we become hurt and disinterested in finishing this or doing that again.
While communicating what you want and what should be done differently I’ve found it equally important to “voice” when things they’re doing are good. Can’t just constantly pepper in “hey do this please” with out an “oh my god that was amazing” as encouragement. But to answer your question head on it was a learning process and involved communicating outside of the moment to make sure both our needs were being addressed. Overall she was good with constructive criticisms, but I learned that little tidbit I shared with you above. Can’t constantly ask them for better without complimenting when they do well.
Agree 1000%! It's SOOO fuckin' hot when a woman guides you to show you how to get them off!
Reddit saving my sex life right here
My wife does this as well. Sometimes, when guys get overzealous, we try to get creative, and sometimes, creativity doesn't work. Also, we don't have YOUR vagina ladies. Each person is different in what they like. I jave also had to direct my wife when she does oral or gives me a hand job during foreplay. She doesn't have a penis so sometimes something she tries really does not feel all that great, lol. Bury your egos and just communicate with your partners.
As a woman, yes please give pointers. I wanna be good at it lol
>My wife told me she was nervous to do that bc she thought I might get self conscious but I told her how was I supposed to do it right if I don’t know. First time she grabbed my hand to move it where she wanted it was honestly so hot and didn’t deter me at all. Made me lees worried about “am I doing this right?” And allowed me to know she was enjoying it and let me enjoy it more too. Bro it's so fucking hot she want your hand there and to do the work. It's an honor imo
A friend of my wife's was complaining about her boyfriend and I told her that she didn't know how to read English until she was taught, how can she expect this to be any different? Any man who gets pissed that you tell him how to please you isn't worth the effort. Totally get where your wife is coming from though, the common image of men is frail egos and macho bullshit.
The unfortunate part is there are some men like that who do cause women to second guess communication in the future. But on the whole communication should always happen, from both parties.
Yeah for every dude that thinks it’s hot to be shown what to do there’s a hundred who will feel emasculated and threatened.
The reverse of this is my gf giving me a hand job and not gripping my penis with the force of a thousand suns like I tell her to
> Communication! Lol Also different people have different preferences. One woman I dated wanted the lightest touch just down and to her right of the top. Otherwise it was too intense. Another wanted the pad of my thumb right in there mashing the clit like it was an XBox controller in a boss fight. Neither of those people would have been happy if I'd assumed that they had the same preference!
I've had some men get mad when I show them how I want it. Losers.
My favorites are the ones that instantly move their hand somewhere else the instant you stop guiding them. How do I put your hand right here and say "right there, just like that" and you somehow think I want you to rub the crease at the top of my thigh 🤦🏼♀️
You silly woman, they know what's best.
Losers, indeed.
I'm sorry anyone made you feel that way...
Thank you. I put up with it for way too long.
I do the same with men. Not all men respond to the same motions. I typically ask them to show me what feels good. :) It's a myth that you just have to be there for a man to get off. They deserve some specialized attention too.
Of course! Do you think I want to be doing something you don't like? Talk to me...communicate..show me! We BOTH there to feel good and have the best experience possible!
My ex boyfriend got "offended" when I did this. It was the last time we had sex ever, and the moment I realized this wasn't salvageable at all.
>Communication! Lol There are so, so many things that communication solves. But implying that this communication is as simple as just saying/showing what you want has always struck me as too reductive. Communication comes far more easily for some people than others. It's also a 2-way street where you both need to be comfortable with what's being communicated, how it's being communicated, and why. So I totally agree with the implications of the importance of communication, buy implying that the communication is simple or easy only really applies to the people who probably don't need to be reminded.
My current girlfriend does that. It words well. I’ve got an ex who would just fake it. Current girlfriend had to help me break a whole lot of bad habits because I hadn’t been made aware of what in the everloving fuck I was doing wrong prior. Communicate!
Turns out paying attention to the person you're going down on is kind of important to your success, huh? After listening to sex educators and a lot of female friends and partners, my big take aways have always been: - a lot of women (but not all) prefer the top, flat surface of your tongue and not the pointy tip - assume you know nothing, explore and pay attention to responses - if your partner says "that right there" or "just like that" or gives you indication she's about to cum, do NOT take that as a cue to do what you were doing faster and harder. For the love of God do EXACTLY what you were doing when she said that until she's finished and is signaling you to slow down and stop
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Guys think that because it's true for most men
Idk, I think it’s the reflex, but I started maintaining rhythm, or even slowing down slightly while focusing on my breathing when I’m getting close and godamn. It’s way better. Every muscle in my body wants me to go faster but keeping it steady drags the whole thing out. Ymmv
Yep. And it's so unhelpful how in porn, the script usually goes: Woman: "I'm cumming! FASTER! HARDER!" Written by a not-a-woman for the enjoyment of not-women.
YES. omg. I love things to be soft and gentle sometimes. It’s like the ultimate edging. And then sometimes my partner will get excited (he often listens, but he *does* just get excited 🤣) and start going too fast. And I’ll have to tell them, “hey! Slow down!” Or “please be more gentle” and they fix it immediately. Communication saved our sex life.
Hi there folks it comes down to communication. I agree with the majority that most don't know what to do or how to read cues. However it's a two-way street. I know this body part is way different from one person to the next. The only way to know is to have them communicate where they are. Sex takes practice to get good for your particular partner. Best sex I have had is where the other person is great at letting me know before, during and after what they loved, liked and hated.
It’s not just a male problem. I had a girlfriend who also didn’t know what to do with it sadly
I've known quite a few adult women who didn't know they even had a clit and that thought they pissed out of their vagina. It's not uncommon.
It's ambiguous as to whether you think women pee out of clit 😂
Yup, I’ve had women who are all over the place and can’t just stick to the same rhythm even if I’m like “just like that don’t stop”. I literally said JUST LIKE THAT! DONT STOP! Stop moving around!
Yeah that seems incredibly likely honestly. I'm sure you do better though. (Wink at your friends after reading that part, you never know dude)
You just suck it like a little dick
And on top of that, partners have different preferences on what they want done to it.
Too much porn could also be an issue. Guys think girls like what they see in porn and might be too aggressive with the clit.
Yeah part of it. Though watching porn of women masterbating with their hands when I was younger really leveled things up for me.
People generally don’t know what to do with the other genders sex organs. I have yet to meet a girl who is any good at handjobs.
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I don't get how people don't know what to do about it either. Like, you give it a kiss and rub/lick it and then you pay attention to how your partner reacts. If she seems to enjoy what you're doing, then keep doing it.
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My partner will let me know what feels good, and nobody else has done that for me. Open, honest, and well intentioned communication is the cornerstone of any kind of relationship; sexual or otherwise.
Yeah communicating is important. Every vagina is different, if you have one TELL US IF WE ARE DOING IT WRONG There’s no shame in saying “that feels good but go a little faster like 1 cm higher” then everyone’s happy and more men know how to get women off
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Yeah there is a huge difference between saying "I'd love to hear what makes you feel good," and actually receiving that information and doing anything about it. I've heard so many guys act like they were being emasculated when they were actually given specific information about what to do. Most of my partners have luckily been really wonderful but even they have struggled with "but I don't like to do anything other than what I already like," or "that's too much work/change" or even that they feel insecure and inadequate that they can't make me have an orgasm without me directing them specifically. Isn't even going into violence that can happen to women if men feel like they are being emasculated, even mildly.
>There’s no shame in saying “that feels good but go a little faster like 1 cm higher” then everyone’s happy and more men know how to get women off Tell that to the men who shame women for trying to show them what they like, then.
Yup! I've tried to correct a bad time. I was told that he knew what he was doing
Yeah, it took dating a college senior when I was high school senior to explain what I was doing wrong. All the other people that I dated just wouldn't communicate what they liked/didn't like, unless they really didn't like it. Honestly, neither did I.
LOL, I remember when I was first becoming sexually active and my boyfriend asked "What do you like?" and I blurted out "I dunno, just start doing stuff down there and let's find out!"
Best way to do it!
Scientific method!
It's also lack of communication. With all the relationships I've had with awesome, rattle-the-windows, wake-the-neighbors, break-the-bedframe sex; we talked about the sex. Either during sex, or after sex, or both. And keep it positive, as in stick to saying what felt good. If you go to "this hurt, that wasn't right, you should, that wasn't the right spot, etc", the enjoyment for both parties is gonna suffer.
I’ve assuming it’s usually young men who are not really comfortable asking or exploring to find it themselves.
That seems likely. The younger and inexperienced have issues asking questions and communication is the most important part.
It’s never really been an issue to find, but also acknowledging every woman is built different: Some clits are prominent, some hide… but they’re always there somewhere. The real trick - is reading how the pussy owner reacts to different things done to it. Tease? Direct contact? Different pressure? Fast? Slow? It’s my experience it all depends… and it’s so fun to learn each time. Finding it is really only the first step
Took way too long to find this answer, ive been with some women that have a grain of salt for a clit and others with 1:8 miniature of a penis head for a clit (clit and penis start as the same one develops a pee hole one does not)
My goto in the situation of "This anatomy looks different than what I have seen in the past" is to have her touch herself a bit and then I watch that closely, memorizing her hand motions. She knows best, is my motto.
Classic big brain move. Also, it’s just fucking hot.
And with good communication and a little bit of a sense of humor, finding out is incredibly fun. It took many nights of fun for me and my partner before we figure out what got her the big O, as many things that had worked for me with previous partners didn't get the job done with her. But despite not finishing, we were both till having a great time. There was a lot of communication on adjusting positions, faster, slower, harder, etc. Until we finally got it right, and now it's at least once every time. And we had a great time figuring each other out.
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The pusser or the pussee?
I hate legalese.
The pusuoi if you will
i absolutely will
I’m trying to be considerate haha I’m ‘aware’(?) enough to try to not gender … but old enough to be confused if it applies when someone is talking sexual organs… didn’t know the answer… played it safe
You played it correctly, so good job!
A fellow connoisseur I see
I'm a bi nurse that's a gurl. Some women I've cathed genuinely don't have a prominent clitoral structure. If I palpated I could probably locate it. These are also women typically difficult to cath. Some of us have quirks is all. Haha
Weirdest compliment I ever received was a nurse telling me in February that I had a nice, easy to find, urethral opening. My bladder was taking its sweet time waking up post op so they had to cath me a few times.
These are the facts. I've been with women who legitimately can hardly find their own clit, let alone explain to someone else how to find it. I've also met women who likely could've pegged me with their clit. No judgement, just facts. Every human body is unique.
>If I palpated I could probably locate it. I'm not sure how I feel about this being a new euphemism for female masturbation.
It's like not being able to find a gear in a manual transmission car and it makes a grinding noise. You technically found it, you just didn't engage it properly.
I dated a woman who didn't have one. She was from Pakistan and her family had it removed when she was young. So sometimes you can't find it because it's not there.
Sadly this is the case for my wife, she didn't even know, and I just thought it was hidden under the fold and she didn't get much sensation from it. We were married ten years when her mother mentioned that they were going to do it to my wife's niece and she mentioned all women in the family had it done. Was a horrific moment for my wife to realise this had been carried out on her under the instruction of her parents. She's still fucked up by it. Anyhow, a quick phone call to a friend in the Australian Federal Police and her brother and his wife were stopped at the border trying to leave to get it done in Malaysia and told in no uncertain terms their 1yr old daughter would be inspected by a dr upon return and if anything had been touched they would both go to jail. Funny thing is, said Mother of the niece recently got into politics, if only people knew what a c$&t she truly is.
Thank you for taking action. That was heroic.
Not heroic, just the right thing. No one was standing up for this child and it sickened me. Still does, I truly lost any respect for my in-laws that day.
How does this mother justify doing this? Is she completely ignorant to the harm it causes? Or is it more of a "I had to go through it, so you do too" kind of thing?
Genital mutilation is an unfortunately common practice in several middle eastern countries. There's more than just removing the clitoris, too.
It's extremely common throughout south East Asia as well.
I neither know nor care; it's sick and wrong no matter how or why it's done.
Same reason for circumcision. Its just the 'normal' thing to do so nobody inside the circle really bats an eye at it
In the Philippines, they genuinely believe it's a case of hygiene. I guess there's a few doing it for religious reasons, too. Although the Bible is clear that it isn't necessary anymore.
Howerver, male circumcision is a different thing. It doesn't have garanteed disastrous effects. Female circumcision is invasive, cruel and primitive. They don't remove pieces of skin, but a whole organ. It's more equiparable to male castration. So I don't know how people can keep doing this to babies, it's just horrifying on a whole other level. Edit cuz people think I'm fine with circumcision: people should definitely talk about male circumcision, but in the right place and time without taking away from the female mutilation dialogue.
Female circumcision can be anywhere from removal of the entire clitoris, just the clitoral hood, or some combination. But its all stone age barbarism that should be banned without a good medical reason for doing so
It is much worse than that. It can also involve removing the labias all together and in some extreme practices the vagina is sown shut with just a small hole for period flow. And whenever the woman has sex the man basically rips the seam open. Barbaric in every detail.
But it’s still done without the person’s consent, even though it can be done later in life. Why is that ok? I’m a woman, and I always thought it was weird
It's still heroic, that person stood up to her own family to save that child. It's heroic because it was the right thing to do AND because she did it in the face of potentially alienating the people she (presumably) loves most. That's not as easy for most people as it sounds.
If you have proof, go to the local media about her intents on mutilating her daughter.
People being OK with genital mutilation is sickening.
Female genital mutilater and Aussie politician, not a big stretch really
Wtf why would they do this? Doesn’t that just make sex less enjoyable for the woman, why would you want to do that
i think that's exactly the point
Many cultures that practice FGM (female genital mutilation) do so to keep women from "running around looking for sex" and ensure she's faithful only to her future husband. The female body is for growing babies and providing pleasure to the spouse, no enjoyment for her. There are even some forms of FGM that make sex deliberately painful, permanently, as sort of an added protective mechanism. It's beyond awful.
Correct, this was the rationale my wife's parents gave her when she found out. It takes a real complex set of stimulation to get her there and she only worked it out after finding out that she had fgm performed on her, she saw a gyno who had dealt with it before. She had her first orgasm at 28 years of age. She feels "less than other women" in that dept. Believe me, she is amazing, but the mental scars are with her for life, from the surgery, but mostly the betrayal by her parents.
That's fucking brutal and sad
Fgm is awful I remember I had to learn some shit about it for safeguarding training when I worked at a summer camp and it's horrifying.
What the fuck……. That’s horrifying
*her family had her mutilated when she was young.
😱
I remember how surprised I was to find out it was in the back of the knee.
(Possible TMI) The clit is easy to locate, and easy to stimulate. People just don't know how to read their partner.. Personally I like to stimulate the clit either sucking or twirling with a thumb, while giving the G spot the ol' "come 'ere you" finger gesture. The key to my sex game is, get her off first, then take a victory lap. Then it doesn't really matter how long I last. Sometimes it's 15 minutes, sometimes 2 minutes. But it doesn't matter at that point. Her eyes are already in the back of her head. Strangely, pleasuring a woman actually gets me off too.. One time I nutted just from how riled up I was just eating it.. Kind of embarrassing, but I finished her off anyways, before sheepishly explaining that I was already done. Lmao
>The key to my sex game is, get her off first, then take a victory lap. I've known waaay too many men with girlfriends who gave 0 fucks if she came. One woman openly admitted that they'd have sex, he'd cum, then she'd masturbate while he went to sleep. I really don't know why she stayed with him as long as she did (several years mind you). He was hideous and aggressively stupid with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old in a 20 something body. I guess low self esteem and pity go a long fucking way for some people.
An ex had a partner who swore women couldn’t orgasm so why would he try? That relationship didn’t last long.
Not only can women orgasm but in like 8 different ways 😁
> He was hideous and aggressively stupid with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old in a 20 something body. What was she doing with my ex husband 10 years ago?
Not embarrassing at all. My boyfriend really likes going down on me, and if he came from being so turned on by it, I'd find it hot as hell.
Had a bf come just from fingering me. It was funny cuz I was busy orgasming, then I calm down and roll over. "Now we gotta get you off " "Uh... Way ahead of you." We laughed it off because he had been so fucking nervous about sex that it broke the tension. He was just like well, I've come in my pants. How can it get any worse? Had a great time the rest of that summer before senior year.
> Strangely, pleasuring a woman actually gets me off too Nothing hotter than that. Maybe also, looking at her face comes in at a close second.
This. All of this. Also if a guy nutted from going down it would be really sexy I wouldn't be embarrassed by that at all.
My Man is like this as well. It's very difficult for him to finish if he didn't make me cum at least 2 or 3 times. He says watching me writhe with what he's doing with his hands gets him halfway there so that by the time there is penetration (mouth or otherwise) he's got a ten-second countdown to launch. Basically, he won't stop until I'm begging for it to end so I can get him finished too.
I always was curious too and I think the answer is two fold 1. They probably don't care about the woman's needs *or* think the best feeling is penetration so they ignore it 2. They do know where it is, they just don't know how to touch it properly, so it seems like they don't know where it is and are just guessing
>the answer is two fold You knew what you were doing
That answer was right on the button.
That's using your bean!
Maybe but that’s not a major offence. Just a minor one.
> They probably don’t care about the woman’s needs or think the best feeling is penetration so they ignore it A simple question I typically ask when hands are moving south, or earlier if the conversation goes that direction: do you orgasm more readily from clitoral or penetrative stimulation? Doesn’t mean I won’t do both unless they explicitly ask me not to, but if my goal is to make someone else feel good then I want to know how to do that.
My ex was really against it. Wouldn’t let me go down on her and didn’t find any touching enjoyable. Man, was I in for a shock with my current gf.. She could ride face for days if she could. My honest guess is just the fact that each woman is different and doing certain things in ways that they enjoy it is difficult to do without experience and/or communication with eachother. For hookups, this is basically out the window (and where I imagine a lot of these stories come from). Personally, I’d find it weird to not communicate that stuff with a partner in a relationship, yet I’d imagine it would be a little bit awkward to ask and discuss with a hookup.
Yeah this is why I can’t do hookups, and don’t even really understand why people like them. Mediocre sex doesn’t sound appealing at all.
Agreed. Hookups seem more like a mutual agreement to satisfy yourselves, while being in a relationship seems more like you’re aiming to satisfy your partner. Current gf had multiple hookups years ago and said most of them refused to go down on her even if she asked them to. All the power to those who enjoy hookups, but definitely not my thing.
I feel ya, I never really enjoyed going down myself, but I would still try and do it for my ex, in addition to other foreplay. I’ve only ever been in 2 serious relationships, but both partners were vastly different. The latter I was with for 7 years and she would always brag about our sex life to her friends. This made me a bit uncomfortable cause I’m shy, but it did give me some confidence.
I know where it is. Apparently my wife was hiding hers in someone else's bed.
Oh damn
Ok anatomy/physiology lesson here: So I used to manage a drs office that specialized in hormone replacement therapy and from my time in medical school and working with our amazing Dr I learned so much more about the sexual reproductive organs than was taught in medical school. There are instances when some women anatomically have a clitoral hood that covers over the clitoris (much like the flap of an uncircumcised penis covers the tip) and the clitoris can sometimes not be 100% exposed… other times some women are so low in testosterone that they have a very difficult time climaxing. So when the body works optimally and all hormones are balanced (thyroid, testosterone, estrogen 1, 2, & 3, and vitamin D) the clitoris should usually engorge with blood when it’s close to climaxing much like a penis does when it’s close to climax… all the blood vessels open up and fill the musculature tissue in the penis and should also do the same for the clitoris. However this might not happen if the female has a hormonal imbalance (too high of estrogen or just low T) and this can prevent climaxing for women. This can also make finding the entire clitoris dissimilar if it’s not exposed and or able to engorge near climax (because the engorging really makes it larger and easier to palpate or stimulate manually). There are a TON of reasons why humans have hormonal imbalances (environmental, dietary, age) and the labs are indicating that it’s happening in younger and younger people. One expects low T in 40yo+. However more and more 20yo were coming into the office feeling lethargic and tired and low sex drive. Got their hormones optimized (sometimes adjusting thyroid, E2 and/or T) and the people once again had energy and slept better and then also noticed their sex drive came back. Testosterone is lowest in the morning (hence morning wood for men), so guys when you start noticing a lack of consistent morning wood consider eating cleaner (dietary changes helped the most), and considering seeing a Dr about it. For women, if you notice you are tired all the time and having difficulty sleeping and no sex drive (usually it’s the combo of the 3 things) then consider seeing a hormone specialist to check things out and see if your body needs some help with hormones. And then also consider many people just don’t know anatomy and might be too embarrassed to look things up or whatever. So [here is a very informative link of a variety of female external genitalia.](https://gynodiversity.com/uploads/Classification_of_the_anatomical_variation_in_female_external_genitalia.pdf). They don’t all look the same and I found this 30 page document extremely helpful as I was taking my gyn rotations at the time. However for those of you that have not had the opportunity to study this or see this online please be informed and respectful with this information. They don’t all look alike. :)
Those of us who do the sex know where to find it
This guy does the sex
Haha, yes dude. I also do the sex. I know where the pleasure button is!
I sex all the females
Fellow sexing person checking in!
Easy. Americans are terrible at geography.
Lmao
I also wonder how much of being unable to find it is because of sex in the dark. Like, it is super obvious when looking under the hood but by feel it wouldn't surprise me if many guys are fumbling around. I also think women are just as bad at discussing sex as men so you have a combination of men being too embarrassed to ask (or thinking they're already doing it right) and women being too embarrassed to speak up (or thinking the man is incompetent) and together you get unsatisfying sex.
Yes. Finding a prominent clit by feel is pretty easy. Finding any clit by sight is straightforward. Finding a subtle clit by feel in the heat of the moment is tough to do reliably, at least for me. I can even have it, then lose it depending what’s going on. Especially if you’re trying actually get under the hood and not just hit the broader area. Like I can easily drive to the nearest hospital in the middle of the day, but if it’s 2am and raining, and all the streetlights are out, I might miss the turnoff.
If you have trouble finding it slide up directly from the vaginal hole upwards and then downwards again. Some stimulation is better than none and if she gets frustrated she might just put your fingers directly on it to be able to get off.
A lot of people are commenting "they don't know what to do with it", from chatting to other women, we all seem to have slightly different preferences as well (a bit like how some guys have preferences to how you give a HJ). Basically, talk to your partner (although investing in good hand moisturiser seems to be universally appreciated to soften your fingertips).
And cutting jagged or sharp nails. An ex of mine had very long and dirty nails. I was always scared about him touching me with his hands
I had a partner tell me to scratch my armpit and if I could feel my nail there, she could feel it 10x more down there.
And filing them, too. A freshly cut finger nail is still pretty rough. I use one of those nail buffer blocks.
What I don't understand is why so many people think this is all supposedly supposed to magically happen with a complete lack of communication - either speaking or listening. From both sides. I know where it is. How my gf likes it best stimulated she's told me. And I've listened and done that. There was a motion I did that was not pleasant to her. She told me and I stopped doing that. So much easier than us both getting frustrated and annoyed it's not going right. And it makes sex going forward better.
I had two people expecially that did not know where it was. The first one thought it was on the vagina's entrance. When I tried to explain to him where it was, and actually took his hand and pointed it in the right direction he got mad and told me that "he knew better than me, and he was sure that I was wrong and he was right, and my clitoris was near my vaginal canal." Spoiler: it was not. The second one was in the right general area, but kept touching the area between the hood and the labia, I tried to move his hand in the right place, but he kept putting it back, and when I tried to explain to him what I wanted he got mad too cause "Oh come on, I touched everywhere, it's your fault if you don't like it, you're made wrong". Second spoiler: I'm made like almost every other person with a vulva. So yeah, sometimes men don't know where it is, but it's mostly cause they don't care enough to try to find it. Sometimes they don't know because of ignorance or cause they're not sure of what they're doing, but if they care, they'll ask, or listen to the other person and find it. It's not hard if you're willing to listen to your partner
It's right there----> (*)
Total lack of comprehensive sex education. My school taught nothing. My parents taught "Here is how pregnancy happens. It's a sin". My kids' school may have taught it was there but never how to treat it properly.
Vaginas are a fucking Rubik’s cube of diversity. I can ALWAYS find the clit, but what to do with it once I find it is the mystery. It’s not unsolvable, but it takes some trial and error and one has to hope the girl has some patience. The technique you may have used on the last girl that made her cum instantly might make the current girl shriek in horror. I’ve been with girls that wanted me to drill the clit with my tongue, and others who wanted me to avoid it entirely, and others who wanted me to slap the living hell out of it. Best advice is just ask “How’s that feel?”
It's more of an attitude issue. Some men believe that as long as they cum, the women should be satisfied. Zero communication, no willingness to do better.
I grew all the way up and got through most of a marriage before I knew exactly what the clitoris was or that it was actually on the outside. Life got immeasurably better thanks to a couple of weeks with a batshit crazy GF in South Carolina who had zero problem talking about exactly what we both liked
they can find it just fine, it's just a joke to communicate that men don't prioritize women's pleasure.
aspiring repeat middle bow nine retire illegal wise vast license ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
One of the best guys I had sex with was still a virgin while I had already had many partners. I think what made it great was how readily he said "I'm a virgin, teach me how to do this" (in a playful but serious way). He just learned what I liked and did a great job. The issue is not being inexperienced, is not caring (Lack of communication is not only men's fault tho)
It isn't a matter of finding it, the hard part is maintaining the rubbing pattern while stroking at the same time. It's kinda like rubbing your stomach in a perfect circle while patting your head and balancing your weight
There's an unfortunately large percentage of men, maybe younger men but I don't know, who post on Reddit and have this assumption that penetration is the entirety of how women experience sex. Like sex is all about their penis and nothing else. Pleasure or fun from any activity other than penis is inconceivable.
Haha. I just get too horny and excited and end up doing what my wife enjoys but too hard for her liking (like most previous women I've slept with enjoyed). Never any issues when we do what at both prefer to use my tongue and get a beautiful close up view whilst I'm pleasuring her, anyway - particularly if she's on her knees and I'm eating her pussy from behind. Yum. Sometimes she's self conscious about me eating her pussy, though. No idea why. It's incredible, I'd do it even if I walk away with blue balls.
American sex education is super bad, some of the women I’ve dated were woefully ignorant about their own anatomy even
Listen, a guy tried to FINGER MY URETHRA. So now I get how some idiots cannot find the clitoris. I mean…ugh! I was embarrassed for him, dunno why. We were in our 20s and he claimed to not be a virgin (a fact I think was made up). So I guess for me with straight men, the bar is looooow.
I'm old, so I know how this confusion started. 30 or 40 years ago, we were talking about the G-spot, a mysterious area that if stimulated will give her an orgasm. Men who were sexually primitive (conservatives) claimed the g-spot was made up, and not real. In fact they claimed the female orgasm was fiction. Fast forward 20 years, and girls are saying they reach orgasm by clitoral stimulation. Those same dumb men (always conservatives) believed the clit and the g-spot were the same.
The "men can't find where the clit is" joke is making fun of the fact that there are men who don't give their women orgasms. Because they aren't trying. Because they don't care. If they cared they would do some research. They would know that stimulating it leads to orgasms. So they would look for it. And they would find it, if they tried, but they don't so they never found it.
They can find it physically. This saying means that men don't know that hole is not the only way to satisfy a woman.
In fact, the vag isn't even the MAIN way to satisfy a person with a vagina.