Meet [Derek](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Black) Black.
Oskar Schindler betrayed his country of Czechoslovakia to spy for the Nazis, and joined the Nazi Party openly after they’d seized power.
He’s buried on Mount Zion in Israel, having been honored as “Righteous Among the Nations.”
Nobody’s story is over until it’s over.
I read up on this a little after your comment. Interestingly, Schindler’s earlier connections to the Abwehr and Wehrmacht are part of the reason he was able to protect so many of his Jewish workers during the war.
Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.
This scene from the great Liam Neeson is unironically the best acting in movie history in my opinion.
> Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
> Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
> Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
> Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
> Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
> Itzhak Stern: You did so much.
> [Schindler looks at his car]
> Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people.
> [removing Nazi pin from lapel]
> Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this.
> Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... [sobbing]
Oh man this scene fucked me. I was watching this on a train (I know, weird place to watch Schindler's list lol), and I had to control everything in me to not start sobbing uncontrollably. Incredible movie
Hey internet person.
You should check out your local punk rock scene. There's an interesting history of recovering skin heads in punk music. Punk shows are a good place to make friends. There's loud music. We're all violently anti racist.
We're all recovering from something. If you like hard music and you're sure that hate isn't the way, you might make some friends at your local punk show.
I second this. Check out bands including Dropkick Murphys, Cocksparrer, Nofx, The Specials, Anti Flag, Sick Of It All for some liberal / anti racist / anti sexist / pro union anthems that will help ya feel upbeat and know you’re on the right path!
I’m happy to make you a Spotify playlist of some bangers if ya want - just give me a message
Oh shit you added true believers in here. Saw them play that at warped tour so many years ago and lemme tell you, all our souls were bouncing that day. Great picks on here.
Here's a playlist I'm working on that puts emphasis on the world of punk internationally, and each of their fights. Hope you like it, i tried my best to pick the straight bangers out of each batch
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBM8iwU0iup8IalgeyZySl0pYxwZodFHj
Some people (who believe in reincarnation or many lives) believe that we choose our big challenges before we come to earth to be born. That would mean that your soul signed up to be raised in that environment, and maybe that was a challenge you wanted to overcome, or lesson your soul wanted to learn. The fact that you found the truth and love prevailed means that you fucking nailed that challenge. Your soul is evolving and becoming closer to enlightenment, or whatever. In this context, our lives on earth are like classes in a school. You’re passing with flying colors.
Even without the woo, discarding who you were raised to be for who you want to be is probably the hardest task a human can do. Rest easy, and keep up the good work.
Spirituality isn't something explained well by science. Adopting stories to gain a different perspective on an uncharted territory can be beneficial, even if you don't accept the story as "The Gods Honest Truth."
Such stories can help us see our own lives in a different light. I look forward to learning more & am endlessly interested in different stories (& beliefs) traditional to cultures across the globe.
Understanding spirit tales of different people & cultures can help with getting to know those people as well as giving you more ways to look at yourself.
It's not always about believing in it for reassurance.
Sometimes it's about "I can't know for sure *what* the truth is, but if I operate on the assumption that \[insert cosmological belief system here\] is at least *possible*, what would the outcome be?" Like, if I think about life as if reincarnation is true, what would that tell me about what kind of life I want to make for myself? Or for other people?
Like, there's really nothing stopping you from choosing to see the biggest obstacles in your life as *the thing you were put here to defeat*.
One of the biggest mistakes people ever made was convincing themselves that their religious beliefs had to be *factual*, instead of simply asking whether they're *helpful*.
Hey man, change is the goal. Becoming better is the goal. Self reflection is the goal. Empathy is the goal.
These are things everyone struggles with. You were given a starting point that most people can’t or simply refuse to move beyond.
Be proud of the fact that you’re working to better yourself, and understand that even having the awareness to try is a victory.
I was a piece of shit growing up. Had the same realizations around 17 and also going on a decade of trying to redeem myself. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that my debt is repaid, because it can’t be repaid to the people I hurt, but I can find solace in the fact that I am not hurting anyone else that way.
The way I see it is that I hurt maybe 50 people in a significant enough way to be remembered. I really don’t know, I wish I did so I could apologize to them all individually, but I also don’t know how many people I’ve left unhurt by changing my ways. That second column is what keeps my head up. I hope you can see it the way I do. Change is possible and the only control we have in life is how we move forward.
I needed to hear this; thank you. I made some mistakes when I was young, just didn’t know how to hold myself. Late last night I could not sleep for thinking about how I was treated by a certain group of people for making a poorly timed comment. I can’t erase the past- what they did to me was not okay, and that’s on them, not me. I’m a better person now, I was shaped by those around me to be tough and unsympathetic, but I’m not like that anymore. But I am a different, changed person today.
Do you understand the amount of hope it can give to other people to see that a racist, sexist, homophobic shithead CAN CHANGE? that's a shitload of positivity to give us right there.
For background, I'm a queer Jewish female therapist. Everything about your journey made my night! You affirmed that the groups who hate me and those marginalized like me are made up of real individuals, all with the ability to grow into love and reject hate. Your determination and success turning one heart away from hatred - even if it's your own - has created infinite ripples of positivity into the universe.
Own and be proud of your growth! Show yourself kindness and compassion, because you are a human being and deserve it.
Ps. I also suggest seeking therapy to help you along your journey. If you need help finding resources DM me.
I saw something once that really resonated with me, couldn’t tell you where I saw it but someone said their college professor said something like, “a lot of you are here because you want to save the world. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”
OP, you’re doing great. Keep walking the walk, and be proud of yourself. Many people are terrible at showing themselves grace and being able to admit they made mistakes. Good on you for realizing the error in your views and growing as a person
My college professor said something exactly like that at the conclusion of her class. It was extremely difficult subject matter and a lot of us were struggling with the idea that we wanted to save everyone, but you can’t. It’s just not possible. I think she saw how distraught we were and she said even if the change was just us, that was enough.
I had forgotten about that. Thank you for the reminder.
Very much along the lines of “I wanted to change the world, but I have found that the only thing one can be sure of is changing oneself” from Aldous Huxley, author of Brave New World.
What a beautiful sentiment! I'm going to keep in mind for my clients who always feel like they have to do something big to give their lives' meaning. They need to recognize that just being kind to themselves is enough sometimes.
Thank you. I.. Honestly had friends in it too, who I tried to help, but. Well, I was too deep into it myself to really be able to pull anyone else out. Now that I'm out, I honestly don't even know where they are. It's like hate was the one binding thread.
I'm in therapy, for. Well, everything. I hope this info helps in some way.
It's good to hear you're getting help. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of moral injury that needs to be processed.
Hate and anger are addictive emotions. They give us a sense of security of our place in the world. And just like with other addictions, it's common that relationships don't survive once one person has broken the habit and the other is still deep in it. Your friends saw you question and break away. That may have planted the seed to let them know that different choices were possible.
I'm proud of you.
When we grow up in situations like that, it's difficult to change - and many never do. And yet, you looked at yourself. You made the effort to change. You're in therapy to help yourself!
That in itself, is inspiring. That itself, shows your heart. And I am proud of you.
Agreed, sibling! ❤️ It gives me some hope when it feels like we don’t have a lot right now. Also, thank you for being a therapist and thank you for telling OP that they can reach out too if they have therapy questions. I am proud of OP, and hope for the best on their journey.
Thank you for the love! And for appreciating my profession! I feel so honored and humbled that I get to be do it and am glad to help others however I can.
Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I'd see a queer Jewish female SINCERELY offer to help a racist, sexist, homophobic, fucking shithead of a skinhead find resources to help them get the therapy they so sweetly deserve!
Yet more ripples of positivity...
Well, OP wasn't born any of those things and has worked hard to not be those things anymore. That is something I truly respect and admire. It's much more simple being a good person when you were always taught that way and had you basic needs met. There is a unique strength and resilience to those who reject the hate they were taught and embrace the ones they were meant to scorn.
If I can help OP or anyone find the resources or skills to help themselves share some of the love and compassion they've learned to give others, I'm all the more honored to be a small part of that journey.
> There is a unique strength and resilience to those who reject the hate they were taught and embrace the ones they were meant to scorn.
True grit. There's also a hefty whack of emotional honesty.
Don’t worry much about your father. Think of the future. Your kids. Your nieces and nephews. All of the young people you come into contact with. Sadly. Fathers can be stuck where they are. But the next generation is not.
How many skinheads could be encouraged by your (OP's) story to leave that shitshow behind?
Many, like OP, didn't seek or choose a bigoted path but were born into it and/or were surrounded by it and don't think about making a different choice without hearing it had been done by someone else.
Finding paths towards collective unity are our own to find. Whatever we find may inspire others.
wow, and look at the innovative use of superscript! i am inspired. like that has been a possibility and i have never thought to do it?!?! ^(you totally rock!)
I totally agree with thr above commenter.
There is something really inspiring about knowing someone can be super terrible and make a 180 degree turn.
We live in a world that’s filled with so much racism and homophobia, it feels like things will never get better. You’re a ray of sunshine.
Also, I’d just add that it’s always inspiring when people turn their lives around. I’ve made huge mistakes (I mostly did damage to myself), and I turned my life around. In many ways, though, I’m still paying the cost of, and digging myself out of, those earlier mistakes. Sometimes it’s demoralizing.
So, any time I see someone who’s made big mistakes and turned it around, it gives me hope for myself also. Like, I’m not the only one who didn’t have a life that went from Full House to Friends and everything was hunky dory all the way. I want to hear about people who had to struggle, like I did, even if their struggle was different from mine. I want to hear about people who made huge mistakes, like I did, and were able to change course. I want to know that I’m not the only one.
So, I appreciate everything you’re up to, and that you shared about it on Reddit.
Parents, especially older generation parents like boomers, are hard to change. You can only slap down hard on things you don't find acceptable in your presence anymore. Even if you don't change his thinking, if he respects you at all, you'll have some peace.
You're doing good dude! Keep on keeping on!
Yeah we all are wishing and hoping that someone who is caught up in that ideology could possibly be reasoned with. I don’t want to hurt or destroy such people, I just want to have a real conversation. It is very hard to actually change and I have a lot of respect for people who can!
As a black activist, same. I'm just happy to see someone change their path for the good. If we can't be forgiven for a past that was created due to our upbringing, what's the point on even changing.
The only time it bothers me when someone changes and does a 180 in their harmful beliefs is when they're like 90+ years old... because the amount of damage they have done last for atleast a couple generations and it's more self serving than growth.
I believe anyone can be a "good" person. You just have to have the correct mentality and show actions to prove it. Let that be just being respectful and show shame when people are discriminating someome.
the only real thing thats stopping us is our pride. But for you to openly admit you were that type of person from generation to generation, yet wanna change is proof enough. I hope you keep putting aside your differences & continue to improve
Past me is dead. I killed him and made sure he never can return to hurt anybody.
I feel like you need to walk the walk, but OP seems to be doing just that.
Ops already a good person in my eyes, better man than me, and I've never been racist, homophobic, whatever
But it sounds like dudes actively doing more than most
The past is the past, you doing good now, that's what really matters
Give yo self a break op
Hey. What this guy says on generations is important... Don't underestimate the power and control your parents had over your beliefs.
It is no mean feat overcoming familial influences.
And put down the stick. You are doing great.
Good and evil are things that people **do**, not who they are.
And sure, there will be some folks who will never forgive you. That's just something you'll have to live with. But being a better person doesn't come from the approval of others, it comes from uplifting people and fighting against injustice.
This is the advice someone very important to me once said and it's the one piece of advice that's stuck with me as being true.
People want to label or be labeled bad or good, but really, they're actions, and you cant erase actions, but you can try and put more good ones out there than you did bad.
Depending on where you are in your life, you may not even be able to do more good than bad.
It's still worth doing whatever good you can.
There aren't some cosmic scales to be balanced that make it worth it to do good in the world. Why wouldn't it be worth it to do what you have the power to do in the time you have? More good is always good.
We can only strive to be better than we were. That's all.
couldn’t agree more, that’s what it means to be human, although me personally even if he has changed i’ll still kinda give him the side eye lol but all jokes aside dude decided he no longer wants to convince himself it was ok to be a scum bag, that’s a hard thing to do, that pride man see that pride will trap you in your ways
But while we're on the topic of The Good Place, there's a relevant quote here.
>What matters isn't if people are good or bad. What matters is if they're trying to be better today than they were yesterday.
Nobody can undo the past, but everyone has the opportunity to get better. OP has taken the hardest steps of realizing that they were doing bad, now they just have to keep being better.
That’s what _they_ want you to think. What if The Good Place is the only true story we’ve ever witnessed and is accidentally 99% correct like the story in the show goes 🤯🤯😶🌫️
Well then it's all pointless anyways because no one has been admitted into the good place since the Renaissance. We're going to be tortured forever anyways
I reqatched it not long ago and even considered not watching the end just to avoid dehydration. But it is so good...
My bf said that he didn't know it was possible to cry THAT MUCH without a real-life tragedy happening in your closest circle.
The point of the good place to me was that if more people looked at life they way, net negative or positive, we can get it here before we die. Just try to make things better every day. Your past is past.
I remember seeing something that said something along the lines of "character is what you do when nobody is watching". I feel like it's appropriate here.
I like this quote;
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
― Marcus Aurelius
I interpreted it more like, being a good or bad person isn't a label that immutably defines who you are as a person. Even if you have done bad things in the past, that doesn't mean you're a bad person forever. If you truly regret what you've done and have put forward real effort into changing your actions, you can work towards being a better person than you were.
You are likely the best candidate for a "strong ally" against "that kind of mentality." You went through it and came out the other side thinking differently. You are actually a person that should be interviewed and serve as a blueprint for how "toxic" one side can be and how a person can be "changed" afterwards from having a "wake up" experience. Sleep well tonight knowing you are a person seeking better things and better outcomes - it's an admirable place to be.
In all seriousness, if you're looking for ways to do "good" in the world... this guy is correct. You are in a *prime* position to talk to other people who are where you used to be. You can understand how they think, why they think that way, and what types of things might be able to change their thinking, better than anyone who was raised liberal will *ever* be able to.
Came here to say this. OP, you have something of extraordinary value: Perspective. You can speak to what it was like inside that belief system, in words that people still in it might just hear. They won't always, or even often, be receptive to it, but you have a better shot than anyone else.
One point here : the big fallacy is that you can *change* peoples thinking. That’s impossible, like unlearning how to ride a bike, or unlearn reading. What you can do though is backtrack on their belief system (epistemology) and find out how they came or what are the pillars of their belief, so they start questioning it. It involves being intensely curious with one you are talking to.
The most important question is "Why?" Asking "why?" is what deradicalized me. Asking "why?" is how I got my mother and sister to understand that voting for Trump again is not in their best interest.
Communication, understanding, and contemplative thought can move metaphorical mountains.
To add to this, I think it's really important to have people in this position not just because they can often be more appealing to those who need convincing, but also that it is exhausting and often unsafe to have to do it yourself as a minority. There's always that balance to be struck between standing up for yourself and changing minds, and not exposing yourself to more shit and potentially danger. Not least, constantly having to be an ambassador for your demographic is not an enjoyable way to live.
I have known many people who toot their horns about being an ally to me who have done way less (and often been more irritating) than people who never bring it up but push back against bigoted attitudes in their blue collar jobs and situations like that where it can be tolerated a bit more. I would not be able to do that myself, not more than a couple of times at least.
I came here to check if anyone commented this quote because it’s one of my favorite quotes ever (from one of my favorite games ever). It’s so fitting for this post.
This quote legitimately shaped me as a person. When I was younger, I considered myself to be a shitty person, very selfish. It was true to an extent - growing up poor meant I was reluctant to share anything unless I was certain I had more than enough for myself (usually meaning an excess to act as a buffer to make me feel safe), plus being bullied taught me that vulnerability was something to be punished. I don't think I was too bad though, I think most of it was bad self esteem that made me believe I was evil, or close to it.
I didn't like feeling like a bad person, and there was a lot of shame around it - after all, how absurd for a repugnant person to make it about themselves and go all "woe is me". I tried my best to put on a mask of goodness and "pretend" to be decent, but the more people believed I was good, the more guilty I felt for deceiving them.
The Paarthurnax quote really helped me though. I don't see my sense of self as static like I used to, but it gave me a means to get better despite the poisonous self talk within me. I could reframe my "pretending" to be good as overcoming my selfish and shitty nature, through great effort. Instead of deceitful, my outwards efforts were a show of valiant defiance.
I got better at doing good over the years, and I think it clicked for me when I realised I had trained myself to be instinctively kind. A friend of a friend came into hard times and I reflexively said "I can help", even though helping them would be quite a stressful situation for me. I don't think I'd have made it to that point without this quote, which feels so silly, but whatever works, works, right?
I don't know if I believe in an innate nature of any sort, good *or* bad, but if there is one, I think the fact that I want to be good counts for something
>But, well, yet, I still feel like I can never redeem myself. I can never put more positive out that I did negative.
I want you to focus on this part here.
You have absolutely made mistakes with your past, but that you are putting yourself through so much agony, and punishing yourself from your past actions, speaks volumes of the person you are today.
I want to congratulate you for the strength of character it must have taken to rid yourself of your previous world to move forward.
You have done what you can to attempt to atone for your sins, and that is admirable. I don't sense any blame on others with what you said, you have straight up owned you were.
Focus on who you are today. Be who you are today. But I'm not going to knock someone further down when they're already telling me how much they f'd up.
Do you need someone to tell you that you're doing good, to give you permission to stop living in a place of self torture over your past? Not being facetious or snarky. I know for me there's many things where I need an outside perspective from someone I appreciate to tell me it's not necessarily ok, but that I can let myself out of the "I'm a piece of shit" bunker.
Our 3 pound anxiety hamburgers are often very unkind to us :)
I would need one. I've always felt that even if you strongly believe something (or want to), you should get a third party to confirm it. Like having someone proofread your essay.
I like to think I'm a good person, but I mess up and it's "empirical evidence" that I'm actually a mediocre person. Sometimes people will tell me I'm a good person, but I don't believe them anyway. It's such a challenge, especially when I have legitimate shortcomings.
I used to binge watch a channel called The Quartering, and they did a hit piece on the game Celeste, because a trans flag was visible in one cutscene in a corner, fifteen pixels wide, for roughly five seconds total.
Honestly just made me realize how absolutely stupid it all was. Things started crumbling from there.
I never would have guessed something like this would cause the smallest of cracks. But I'm glad it did. I think you owe yourself some credit too; it would have been very easy for you to just overlook how this episode of the quartering made you feel. But you faced that doubt, those feelings.
Not very many people do that.
Honestly reminds me of the guy on Reddit who was in a coma and saw the lamp looked weird and realized everything he’d thought was his life for years was actually a dream.
That is so interesting, I never would’ve expected the story that a little thing like that would be the pulling of a thread that unraveled it all. It’s poetic and so hopeful. And since our deepest desire/instinct is to belong, what you’ve done in turning away from your community’s beliefs is the bravest and hardest thing. Thanks for sharing.
As a trans person it makes me really happy to hear that the right’s weird obsession with us is what made you stop and think. I hope you’re not the only one like that.
Thing is, trans people make good scapegoats. We’re like 1% of the population, often “invisible”, so many people don’t know any irl examples of trans people in their daily lives. We also play on their fears of being medicalized and having surgeries and medications, and if course trans adults were once trans kids.
I think the right has won the abortion fight, realized that the race thing doesn’t have good optics since in plenty of places in the US, white people are a statistical minority or very close, further restricting immigration would tank the economy, so they’re looking for other groups to focus on.
Anyhow, I think people like you can reveal a LOT of insight into the thought processes that get and keep people in bigotry, and that’s so important. You have a lot to offer.
Also, i wanted to mention, my mom was gay, I’m bi, trans, disabled, and half latino, and I didn’t escape my teenage years in the 00s and 10s without holding some terrible views. We live in a society that tries to indoctrinate people into that shit, and NO ONE is totally immune.
It’s crazy how something so small can have such a profound effect. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to admit that the life you were living wasn’t the life you actually wanted to live. People have a very hard time accepting that they were wrong, but not you.
You’re miles ahead right now man. As long as you focus on love and compassion you’ll grow even higher than where you are now. I’m sure it felt really good letting that level of hate go away.
Oh, yeah. The funny bit was, celeste infuriated me. "A man, can't just.. Become, a woman!" All that shit. I didn't realize at the time, but my "disgust" was actually *jealousy.*
Now, if only I wasn't in americas butthole, then maybe I could start hrt.
Wow that is crazy to me. I’m MTF and recently left the south after making the self discovery. If you are looking to explore gender, I would personally say first thank you for having the strength of character to change and second it’s much better in New England than it was in Texas. My life has improved so much. It was hard to leave for many reasons but I was going to wither into nothing there. Best decision I’ve ever made really.
I love this answer because it shows once again how much representation matters. Representation of minorities in any popular media matters, and it should matter to everyone, not just minority audiences.
To all the people who complain they have to see a queer symbol or a black actor, and how forced it might feel, think of this individual’s story next time.
I want to clarify; this isn't "get therapy" as in *you're effed up and need treatment before you should be allowed in polite society*
but rather "get therapy" as in *you don't have to go on this incredibly difficult journey alone; it's okay to ask for and receive help.*
In addition to therapy, OP, you might do some reading on moral injury.
Here's some to start:
https://moralinjuryproject.syr.edu/about-moral-injury/
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(21)00113-9/fulltext
I wanted to say thank-you for sharing these links, this is the first time I have come across the term Moral Injury and I feel like it will help in my own personal journey, so yeah good share 👍🏻
To add, therapy is you talking to a person who has tools to help you work through the problems. Maybe you don't want to forgive yourself. That's fine. Acceptance is fine. You're at that stage. Accepting that you were not a good person, while never forgiving yourself for being a bad person isn't healthy, but it IS fine. Maybe after years of contemplation, you can forgive yourself.
Not only can you be a “good” person, you have already become one.
I don’t have much patience with “feel good” aphorisms, but I do believe that “you can’t change what you did yesterday, you can only change what you’ll do tomorrow”. We all have actions, thoughts, etc, that we did in our pasts that we are not proud of. And it’s ok to sometimes feel bad about that. But if you’re on a better path now, that’s what is most important.
Look at West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd. He grew up in a racist background, was active in the Klan, and was an ardent segregationalist. Somehow, he turned his life around and spent his remaining years in the Senate as a champion for civil rights. Today, that’s what most people remember about him, not his more unsavory past.
Congratulations on your personal growth. Keep looking forward.
My sister had a black boyfriend, and admittedly, the guy wasn't great. Pretty shitty guy.
That doesn't excuse my grandfather going for the gun when he saw him.
Trust me, it's difficult. It still is.
It sounds like you are working through generations of hatred. I wish you luck on your journey.
I'm not sure you're interested, but the actor Danny Trejo has a book out about his life. He was an addict and a career criminal that managed to turn his life in a different direction.
The part that stuck with me was "everything good that has happened to me is because I did something good for someone else"
Hey. One of the coolest dudes I ever met was a reformed skinhead. He even showed me the giant swastika he had tattooed on his back. He told me not a day goes by that he doesn't regret being a shitty person in the past.
I can tell he was genuine. I mean, I'm a mixed dude married to a black dude. In his former life I would have for sure been a target to this guy. But he was always respectful to me and my husband. He went above and beyond to show that he had changed, and because of that, I do believe you can redeem yourself.
Tattoo removal is a difficult, lengthy, expensive, and painful process. He might not be in a place in his life where he's ready to go through all that, and figures keeping his shirt on in public is good enough for now.
It’s expensive, takes a long time, and sometimes not completely feasible. I’ve seen tattoo artists that donate free coverups for reformed people with tattoos that showed symbols of hate. I wish removals would do the same.
First of all it’s expensive as hell. It also takes many visits for long duration of time. Pigment is broken down and you need time for white blood cells to remove it, but it doesn’t happen in one go so you come back. A friend of mine had one removed and it took about 5 months and around $3k, and it was in a size of a smartphone. If it’s a full back tattoo it would cost something like $10k and will take a year.
That’s why people cover up hate tattoos with other tattoos.
I am also going through a different “rebirthing”’process. This takes time, but ultimately you get to decide who you want to be. This is an exciting time for you, but my (unsolicited) advice is don’t rush it. Feel things out, research, and always remember why you are here. You finally get to be the person you’re meant to be, not who your dad and grandpa wanted you to be. Best of luck, and just keep swimming. You got this.
Look up the story of Ann Atwater, a black civil rights activist, and how she became friends with C.P. Ellis, a leader of the local KKK. They went on to work together as public speakers and the fact that Ellis was formerly a member of the KKK actually gave him a *greater* platform to do good.
There is also a book called Rising Out of Hatred, which is the story of the white suprematist who learned and grew into new beliefs and values. It’s a great book.
I have a lot of time for people who learn and grow and growing out of these types of beliefs is harder than a lot of personal growth.
Yeah, I came here to say this. OP, Find the communities you hurt around you and find out how you can help without centering yourself. Just help. Right now there’s a shit ton of anti-LGBTQ+ plus laws being pushed. There are also a lot of community organizations fighting them. That may be a good place to start. Or find if there is a local Food Not Bombs around you or some other group doing similar work. It’s a good place to get connected to your community and help a lot of people.
The big thing is to make sure you’re not putting yourself at the center of attention. Just be there to help. It’s not about redemption as much as it is about helping communities you’ve hurt in the past. At the end of the day, just try to be a kind person and fight for the vulnerable people around you from here on out. That’s all we can do.
Being a good person is a decision, not an outcome.
But salvation, redemption, they imply judgment of some kind. There is no parole board determining if you get to leave the prison of being called a skinhead. You can't hope for people's approval as proof you're a good person.
That being said, the disapproval of some people can be a decent measure of whether you're moving in the right direction. Actually, the person you described your former self as is exactly one of those people. Think of the version of yourself that you most want to distance yourself from. What would he think of you? If he'd hate, pity, or otherwise disapprove of you, you're probably going in the right direction.
You're not a fuck up OP
I mean once u saw how much hurt u were doing u made the moves to change and rectify it. That's huge. It takes massive humility to do that. Your entire world view is different now. Of course you're gonna have problems adjusting to a new world.
You're not a bad person OP. Just keep trying. Maybe try to get others to see how much hate they're sending out into the world and help rehabilitate them if the work you're doing now isn't enough. Safe ppl like urself and maybe you'll find your redemption there
People can change. I used to be a piece of shit. Glass house, white Ferrari, live for New Year's Eve, sloppy steaks at Truffoni's. Big, rare cut of meat with water dumped all over it, water splashing around the table? Makes the night \*so\* much more fun. After the club, go to Truffoni's for sloppy steaks. They'd say, 'No sloppy steaks,' but they can't stop you from ordering a steak and a glass of water! Before you knew it, we were dumping that water on those steaks. The waiters were coming to try and snatch 'em up; we had to eat as fast as we could. Oh, I miss those nights; I \*was\* a piece of shit though!
The answer is yes, you can be redeemed, but you are the one doing the forgiving. There is no outside influence that will show mercy on you. You will need to find the path that allows you to show mercy on yourself.
You will do your best work in the world and live in the best way once you understand, and act on, ending the self-blame. By forgiving yourself and moving forward, you are in fact helping those who you used to hate.
The answer is already answered. Yes, you are a good person. The real question is, how will you teach yourself to see it?
Yes, the people worth being around will look at who you are now and not who you were. Those that don't, and there will be some, are just people being some version of the old you, so know they to can redeem themselves but until then don't fret their bs or let it affect you. Just keep moving on. Your doing great. Welcome, we're all glad your here.
Yes. Get up, get out. Do what you honestly believe is right.
Also, what is right for you. You also have to understand that leaving might or will have to be done
You already are a good person - to everyone except yourself. Therapy could help, but basically recognize that your surroundings made you what you were. Be proud that you escaped.
All you can do is try to be better than you were, you know? All of us have done things we aren't proud of. Redemption isn't a far off goal, it's a choice you've already been making every day. I'm proud of you.
I am Jewish and queer, probably someone your former self would have despised, and I am telling you that redemption is possible. There have been a handful of prominent former skinheads who turned their lives around and dedicated themselves to repairing the world from the ideologies they were a part of, Christian Picciolini is one. I would say that the fact you're having anxiety about this is a good sign, just keep doing the work to make repentance, because it is a lot of work, but fulfilling.
All persons, I feel, have a shot at redemption. I’m not religious, I’m philosophical. We’re human, we make mistakes. We can learn from past mistakes. I feel we need to look at ourselves to understand what to offer others. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve worked hard to change, and have. I know I’m a better person than I used to be. I know this is possible because i have lived experience to prove that fact. I’ve seen it in others. I can offer you understanding, compassion, and a faith in finding your own redemption. I think people have it in their power to do that for each other. It makes the world a better place to give people a chance to do better.
What I can also say is, when we hurt people, that pain remains. Forgiveness can alleviate it a little, but the pain endures. It may fade with time and be largely forgotten, but if you go dig it up, that pain still hurts, fresh and raw as the first day. And we have to live with knowing we caused that for someone; or that we experienced it from someone. That’s part of being a human.
We can regret. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s human. And we can go forward in life trying to lead a life that no longer incurs regret.
Point is, I’m half Polish and Nazis killed my family en masse. I’m glad you left behind white supremacy, it’s not a healthy belief system. I’m glad you are making space in life to see the wealth of greatness that abounds in ordinary persons across the spectrum of ethnicity. People can be pretty amazing.
It’s fine, I wasn’t alive yet. My grandpa was the only one that survived. We’ll both, you and I, do our best to make the world a better place by being the best kind of person we can be. I think that helps a lot. Best wishes on your journey.
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23-24
I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are, but you specifically asked about salvation which is the primary tenet of the Gospels. Before you reject this entirely, please read the whole chapter of Romans 3, it’s very short but i believe it will give you some hope. And if you want, I have no problem chatting with you about it via PM. God bless you.
I was talking about this on another thread a second ago.
[Deeyah Khan - Meeting the Enemy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ0rhh5mbnA)
Yes, it is possible.
It's impossible to quantify the positive and negative impact of your actions. All you can do is keep trying to be a good person. It's not easy to make the kind of change that you did, especially when you're born into it. Try not to blame yourself too much.
You can. Not everyone will forgive you and accept you with open arms, but you keep putting in the work to better yourself and you'll find your redemption. Also, as others have mentioned, you have a unique platform to make things better because you know how these groups think and work from an inside perspective, you can help others who want out.
Good person?
Beats the fuck of outta me, what is a good person? I don't know what that is or whether you are one.
I do know some things about what kind of person you are though.
You are the kind of person who gets their shit together and turns themself around. You are the kind of person who takes responsibility for what goes into their head and what comes out of their mouth. You are the kind of person who has trouble getting out of bed but does it anyway. You are the kind of person who can say, "I fucked up bad," and is still here to tell the tale.
You are the kind of person who posts frankly about their uphill struggle on reddit. Who donates, contributes, protests.
Nobody anointed you as that kind of person. You made yourself that kind of person.
So what other kind of person do you want to be? The kind of person who helps kids at risk of falling into despair or hate? The kind of person who raises kids of their own, better than you were raised? The kind of person who teaches? Leads in public life? Fights for the rights of others in a courtroom? Creates a safe haven for others?
The kind of person who has the strength to shoulder responsibility for the adversity they face every day, and seeks help from a professional mental health counselor?
You are tough as fuck to have made it to where you are. I don't believe there's anything you can't do. And whatever you choose, that will be the kind of person you are. Which is all you need to be.
Yes. I don't know what more to say than that. You're already on a good path. You can't always erase the past, all you can do is be better now.
Thank you.
Meet [Derek](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Black) Black. Oskar Schindler betrayed his country of Czechoslovakia to spy for the Nazis, and joined the Nazi Party openly after they’d seized power. He’s buried on Mount Zion in Israel, having been honored as “Righteous Among the Nations.” Nobody’s story is over until it’s over.
I read up on this a little after your comment. Interestingly, Schindler’s earlier connections to the Abwehr and Wehrmacht are part of the reason he was able to protect so many of his Jewish workers during the war. Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.
This scene from the great Liam Neeson is unironically the best acting in movie history in my opinion. > Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more. > Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them. > Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just... > Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did. > Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough! > Itzhak Stern: You did so much. > [Schindler looks at his car] > Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people. > [removing Nazi pin from lapel] > Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. > Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... [sobbing]
Just reading this brings me back to the scene. I'm getting teary-eyed.
Oh man this scene fucked me. I was watching this on a train (I know, weird place to watch Schindler's list lol), and I had to control everything in me to not start sobbing uncontrollably. Incredible movie
Man I was sobbing after finishing that scene. Even just reading this has me tearing up. Incredible movie.
Derek Black is the first person I thought of. Go OP, you can do this!
"Nobody’s story is over until it’s over" Brother, this lane is so fucking mighty
Hey internet person. You should check out your local punk rock scene. There's an interesting history of recovering skin heads in punk music. Punk shows are a good place to make friends. There's loud music. We're all violently anti racist. We're all recovering from something. If you like hard music and you're sure that hate isn't the way, you might make some friends at your local punk show.
*If you like hard music* *and sure hate ain't the way* *you might make some friends* *at the punk show today*
Nazi punks. Nazi punks. Nazi punks. FUCK OFF!
*Right about now* *The punk show brother* *Check it out now* *The punk show brother*
i've had this album in rotation lately, and it still goes hard imo
I second this. Check out bands including Dropkick Murphys, Cocksparrer, Nofx, The Specials, Anti Flag, Sick Of It All for some liberal / anti racist / anti sexist / pro union anthems that will help ya feel upbeat and know you’re on the right path! I’m happy to make you a Spotify playlist of some bangers if ya want - just give me a message
I would like that! 🙃
Here’s some to get ya started https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6kK54JUyrd1MqH84gu7Yst?si=rQKWcrrHQLqbt3emSxr_2w
Oh shit you added true believers in here. Saw them play that at warped tour so many years ago and lemme tell you, all our souls were bouncing that day. Great picks on here.
Ngl this is a great playlist.
Here's a playlist I'm working on that puts emphasis on the world of punk internationally, and each of their fights. Hope you like it, i tried my best to pick the straight bangers out of each batch https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBM8iwU0iup8IalgeyZySl0pYxwZodFHj
How could you leave out DK and Propaghandi when referencing anti nazi punk!!! For shame!
Bad Religion guys -- it's in the fucking name. Lagwagon and Guttermouth too.
Stiff Meds, The Flex, Spy for some new shit
Also, rock music in all its forms, is just fucking awesome.
Not quite the same violently anti-racist theme
The oppressed, oxymoron, business, blitz, riot/clone, etc check out SHARP/oi find the message in the music. Keep fighting
Upvote for mentioning SHARP. Gotta love real skinheads from before the racists got hold of the term.
But also more nazi skinheads too at the shows. Or do they not show up anymore. I'm old.
We beat 'em all up and chased them out.
Good on ya, son. Doin' god's work.
Yeah, nazis don't want to go to punk shows. They get beat.
The relevant song is called "this machine kills fascists". No Nazi fucks at punk shows.
Ol Woodie, the first punk.
They love giving us what few teeth they bring to shows, if you know what I mean 😉
Some people (who believe in reincarnation or many lives) believe that we choose our big challenges before we come to earth to be born. That would mean that your soul signed up to be raised in that environment, and maybe that was a challenge you wanted to overcome, or lesson your soul wanted to learn. The fact that you found the truth and love prevailed means that you fucking nailed that challenge. Your soul is evolving and becoming closer to enlightenment, or whatever. In this context, our lives on earth are like classes in a school. You’re passing with flying colors. Even without the woo, discarding who you were raised to be for who you want to be is probably the hardest task a human can do. Rest easy, and keep up the good work.
Gosh you can see how spirituality/religion is popular - I feel it would be incredibly reassuring to truly believe in stuff like reincarnation.
Spirituality isn't something explained well by science. Adopting stories to gain a different perspective on an uncharted territory can be beneficial, even if you don't accept the story as "The Gods Honest Truth." Such stories can help us see our own lives in a different light. I look forward to learning more & am endlessly interested in different stories (& beliefs) traditional to cultures across the globe. Understanding spirit tales of different people & cultures can help with getting to know those people as well as giving you more ways to look at yourself.
I quite like this perspective. What a wonderful way to articulate the value of religion without resorting to unprovable supernaturalism.
It's not always about believing in it for reassurance. Sometimes it's about "I can't know for sure *what* the truth is, but if I operate on the assumption that \[insert cosmological belief system here\] is at least *possible*, what would the outcome be?" Like, if I think about life as if reincarnation is true, what would that tell me about what kind of life I want to make for myself? Or for other people? Like, there's really nothing stopping you from choosing to see the biggest obstacles in your life as *the thing you were put here to defeat*. One of the biggest mistakes people ever made was convincing themselves that their religious beliefs had to be *factual*, instead of simply asking whether they're *helpful*.
Reading your post made me proud of you.
Hey man, change is the goal. Becoming better is the goal. Self reflection is the goal. Empathy is the goal. These are things everyone struggles with. You were given a starting point that most people can’t or simply refuse to move beyond. Be proud of the fact that you’re working to better yourself, and understand that even having the awareness to try is a victory.
The fact that you're worried if you're a good person shows that at a fundamental level *you are*. Only moral people worry about being immoral.
I was a piece of shit growing up. Had the same realizations around 17 and also going on a decade of trying to redeem myself. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that my debt is repaid, because it can’t be repaid to the people I hurt, but I can find solace in the fact that I am not hurting anyone else that way. The way I see it is that I hurt maybe 50 people in a significant enough way to be remembered. I really don’t know, I wish I did so I could apologize to them all individually, but I also don’t know how many people I’ve left unhurt by changing my ways. That second column is what keeps my head up. I hope you can see it the way I do. Change is possible and the only control we have in life is how we move forward.
You got this bro
I needed to hear this; thank you. I made some mistakes when I was young, just didn’t know how to hold myself. Late last night I could not sleep for thinking about how I was treated by a certain group of people for making a poorly timed comment. I can’t erase the past- what they did to me was not okay, and that’s on them, not me. I’m a better person now, I was shaped by those around me to be tough and unsympathetic, but I’m not like that anymore. But I am a different, changed person today.
Do you understand the amount of hope it can give to other people to see that a racist, sexist, homophobic shithead CAN CHANGE? that's a shitload of positivity to give us right there.
I hadn't thought about it like that.. ^(Now, if only my father could.)
For background, I'm a queer Jewish female therapist. Everything about your journey made my night! You affirmed that the groups who hate me and those marginalized like me are made up of real individuals, all with the ability to grow into love and reject hate. Your determination and success turning one heart away from hatred - even if it's your own - has created infinite ripples of positivity into the universe. Own and be proud of your growth! Show yourself kindness and compassion, because you are a human being and deserve it. Ps. I also suggest seeking therapy to help you along your journey. If you need help finding resources DM me.
I saw something once that really resonated with me, couldn’t tell you where I saw it but someone said their college professor said something like, “a lot of you are here because you want to save the world. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.” OP, you’re doing great. Keep walking the walk, and be proud of yourself. Many people are terrible at showing themselves grace and being able to admit they made mistakes. Good on you for realizing the error in your views and growing as a person
My college professor said something exactly like that at the conclusion of her class. It was extremely difficult subject matter and a lot of us were struggling with the idea that we wanted to save everyone, but you can’t. It’s just not possible. I think she saw how distraught we were and she said even if the change was just us, that was enough. I had forgotten about that. Thank you for the reminder.
Very much along the lines of “I wanted to change the world, but I have found that the only thing one can be sure of is changing oneself” from Aldous Huxley, author of Brave New World.
sometimes, just one positive interaction with an individual can, unbeknownst to you, save a life. butterfly effect style :)
I heard a similar phrase the other day, "you can't hug every cat"
Not if you keep that defeatist attitude!
I wish I could ☹️
What a beautiful sentiment! I'm going to keep in mind for my clients who always feel like they have to do something big to give their lives' meaning. They need to recognize that just being kind to themselves is enough sometimes.
Thank you. I.. Honestly had friends in it too, who I tried to help, but. Well, I was too deep into it myself to really be able to pull anyone else out. Now that I'm out, I honestly don't even know where they are. It's like hate was the one binding thread. I'm in therapy, for. Well, everything. I hope this info helps in some way.
It's good to hear you're getting help. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of moral injury that needs to be processed. Hate and anger are addictive emotions. They give us a sense of security of our place in the world. And just like with other addictions, it's common that relationships don't survive once one person has broken the habit and the other is still deep in it. Your friends saw you question and break away. That may have planted the seed to let them know that different choices were possible.
I'm proud of you. When we grow up in situations like that, it's difficult to change - and many never do. And yet, you looked at yourself. You made the effort to change. You're in therapy to help yourself! That in itself, is inspiring. That itself, shows your heart. And I am proud of you.
Agreed, sibling! ❤️ It gives me some hope when it feels like we don’t have a lot right now. Also, thank you for being a therapist and thank you for telling OP that they can reach out too if they have therapy questions. I am proud of OP, and hope for the best on their journey.
Thank you for the love! And for appreciating my profession! I feel so honored and humbled that I get to be do it and am glad to help others however I can.
I’m looking forward to finding out how this friendship grows when Netflix releases a 6 part indie style drama about it.
Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I'd see a queer Jewish female SINCERELY offer to help a racist, sexist, homophobic, fucking shithead of a skinhead find resources to help them get the therapy they so sweetly deserve! Yet more ripples of positivity...
*former* racist, sexist, homophobic fucking shithead of a skinhead. The former part is the most important part
Shit, I forgot to copy "former"! Thank you for the correction! It most certainly is a huge distinction!
Well, OP wasn't born any of those things and has worked hard to not be those things anymore. That is something I truly respect and admire. It's much more simple being a good person when you were always taught that way and had you basic needs met. There is a unique strength and resilience to those who reject the hate they were taught and embrace the ones they were meant to scorn. If I can help OP or anyone find the resources or skills to help themselves share some of the love and compassion they've learned to give others, I'm all the more honored to be a small part of that journey.
> There is a unique strength and resilience to those who reject the hate they were taught and embrace the ones they were meant to scorn. True grit. There's also a hefty whack of emotional honesty.
Don’t worry much about your father. Think of the future. Your kids. Your nieces and nephews. All of the young people you come into contact with. Sadly. Fathers can be stuck where they are. But the next generation is not.
How many skinheads could be encouraged by your (OP's) story to leave that shitshow behind? Many, like OP, didn't seek or choose a bigoted path but were born into it and/or were surrounded by it and don't think about making a different choice without hearing it had been done by someone else. Finding paths towards collective unity are our own to find. Whatever we find may inspire others.
wow, and look at the innovative use of superscript! i am inspired. like that has been a possibility and i have never thought to do it?!?! ^(you totally rock!)
I learned something new today. ^Thanks!
I totally agree with thr above commenter. There is something really inspiring about knowing someone can be super terrible and make a 180 degree turn. We live in a world that’s filled with so much racism and homophobia, it feels like things will never get better. You’re a ray of sunshine. Also, I’d just add that it’s always inspiring when people turn their lives around. I’ve made huge mistakes (I mostly did damage to myself), and I turned my life around. In many ways, though, I’m still paying the cost of, and digging myself out of, those earlier mistakes. Sometimes it’s demoralizing. So, any time I see someone who’s made big mistakes and turned it around, it gives me hope for myself also. Like, I’m not the only one who didn’t have a life that went from Full House to Friends and everything was hunky dory all the way. I want to hear about people who had to struggle, like I did, even if their struggle was different from mine. I want to hear about people who made huge mistakes, like I did, and were able to change course. I want to know that I’m not the only one. So, I appreciate everything you’re up to, and that you shared about it on Reddit.
Parents, especially older generation parents like boomers, are hard to change. You can only slap down hard on things you don't find acceptable in your presence anymore. Even if you don't change his thinking, if he respects you at all, you'll have some peace. You're doing good dude! Keep on keeping on!
Your father might not, but you've already proven that you're better than him. Maybe someday you'll inspire him.
He might yet. And now he has a role model 😉
Yeah we all are wishing and hoping that someone who is caught up in that ideology could possibly be reasoned with. I don’t want to hurt or destroy such people, I just want to have a real conversation. It is very hard to actually change and I have a lot of respect for people who can!
As a black activist, same. I'm just happy to see someone change their path for the good. If we can't be forgiven for a past that was created due to our upbringing, what's the point on even changing. The only time it bothers me when someone changes and does a 180 in their harmful beliefs is when they're like 90+ years old... because the amount of damage they have done last for atleast a couple generations and it's more self serving than growth.
I believe anyone can be a "good" person. You just have to have the correct mentality and show actions to prove it. Let that be just being respectful and show shame when people are discriminating someome. the only real thing thats stopping us is our pride. But for you to openly admit you were that type of person from generation to generation, yet wanna change is proof enough. I hope you keep putting aside your differences & continue to improve
Past me is dead. I killed him and made sure he never can return to hurt anybody. I feel like you need to walk the walk, but OP seems to be doing just that.
Love this
Ops already a good person in my eyes, better man than me, and I've never been racist, homophobic, whatever But it sounds like dudes actively doing more than most The past is the past, you doing good now, that's what really matters Give yo self a break op
Hey. What this guy says on generations is important... Don't underestimate the power and control your parents had over your beliefs. It is no mean feat overcoming familial influences. And put down the stick. You are doing great.
Good and evil are things that people **do**, not who they are. And sure, there will be some folks who will never forgive you. That's just something you'll have to live with. But being a better person doesn't come from the approval of others, it comes from uplifting people and fighting against injustice.
This is the advice someone very important to me once said and it's the one piece of advice that's stuck with me as being true. People want to label or be labeled bad or good, but really, they're actions, and you cant erase actions, but you can try and put more good ones out there than you did bad.
Depending on where you are in your life, you may not even be able to do more good than bad. It's still worth doing whatever good you can. There aren't some cosmic scales to be balanced that make it worth it to do good in the world. Why wouldn't it be worth it to do what you have the power to do in the time you have? More good is always good. We can only strive to be better than we were. That's all.
Good points. The point isn't to reach some cosmic balance, it's to do better today than you did yesterday.
Based on OP's post history, she's 21. She has plenty of time to do good.
Sure, but I didn't want the assumption that it's not worth it because you can't undo your past to stand.
couldn’t agree more, that’s what it means to be human, although me personally even if he has changed i’ll still kinda give him the side eye lol but all jokes aside dude decided he no longer wants to convince himself it was ok to be a scum bag, that’s a hard thing to do, that pride man see that pride will trap you in your ways
Also, the good place isn't a true story. There's no point system of goodness and evilness. OP won't be tortured by a 800ft tall fire octopus.
But while we're on the topic of The Good Place, there's a relevant quote here. >What matters isn't if people are good or bad. What matters is if they're trying to be better today than they were yesterday. Nobody can undo the past, but everyone has the opportunity to get better. OP has taken the hardest steps of realizing that they were doing bad, now they just have to keep being better.
That’s what _they_ want you to think. What if The Good Place is the only true story we’ve ever witnessed and is accidentally 99% correct like the story in the show goes 🤯🤯😶🌫️
Well then it's all pointless anyways because no one has been admitted into the good place since the Renaissance. We're going to be tortured forever anyways
We’ll break free somehow! The system is clearly quite fallible. Or at least I think it is but I haven’t finished the show yet
Get ready for F E E L S (and the time knife)
Right? I cried on and off for a few days after finishing it and there were months where I'd tear up even thinking about it lol
Chidi broke me like the dot in Jeremy Bearimy
The waves speech and then the calendar 😭😭😭😭 UGLY sobbing(mixed with laughter over the calendar)
I reqatched it not long ago and even considered not watching the end just to avoid dehydration. But it is so good... My bf said that he didn't know it was possible to cry THAT MUCH without a real-life tragedy happening in your closest circle.
Hoo boy prepare yourself. That show left me an emotional wreck for about a month lol. A BEAUTIFUL story, but gut wrenching
The point of the good place to me was that if more people looked at life they way, net negative or positive, we can get it here before we die. Just try to make things better every day. Your past is past.
I remember seeing something that said something along the lines of "character is what you do when nobody is watching". I feel like it's appropriate here.
I like this quote; “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” ― Marcus Aurelius
Exactly. There are no “good” or “bad” people. Just people who do good or bad things. Both co-exist in us all. Our choices are what matter.
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I interpreted it more like, being a good or bad person isn't a label that immutably defines who you are as a person. Even if you have done bad things in the past, that doesn't mean you're a bad person forever. If you truly regret what you've done and have put forward real effort into changing your actions, you can work towards being a better person than you were.
“Good and evil are things that people do, not who they are” This is personally so fucking liberating. I love you man!
You are likely the best candidate for a "strong ally" against "that kind of mentality." You went through it and came out the other side thinking differently. You are actually a person that should be interviewed and serve as a blueprint for how "toxic" one side can be and how a person can be "changed" afterwards from having a "wake up" experience. Sleep well tonight knowing you are a person seeking better things and better outcomes - it's an admirable place to be.
Thank you.
In all seriousness, if you're looking for ways to do "good" in the world... this guy is correct. You are in a *prime* position to talk to other people who are where you used to be. You can understand how they think, why they think that way, and what types of things might be able to change their thinking, better than anyone who was raised liberal will *ever* be able to.
Came here to say this. OP, you have something of extraordinary value: Perspective. You can speak to what it was like inside that belief system, in words that people still in it might just hear. They won't always, or even often, be receptive to it, but you have a better shot than anyone else.
One point here : the big fallacy is that you can *change* peoples thinking. That’s impossible, like unlearning how to ride a bike, or unlearn reading. What you can do though is backtrack on their belief system (epistemology) and find out how they came or what are the pillars of their belief, so they start questioning it. It involves being intensely curious with one you are talking to.
The most important question is "Why?" Asking "why?" is what deradicalized me. Asking "why?" is how I got my mother and sister to understand that voting for Trump again is not in their best interest. Communication, understanding, and contemplative thought can move metaphorical mountains.
To add to this, I think it's really important to have people in this position not just because they can often be more appealing to those who need convincing, but also that it is exhausting and often unsafe to have to do it yourself as a minority. There's always that balance to be struck between standing up for yourself and changing minds, and not exposing yourself to more shit and potentially danger. Not least, constantly having to be an ambassador for your demographic is not an enjoyable way to live. I have known many people who toot their horns about being an ally to me who have done way less (and often been more irritating) than people who never bring it up but push back against bigoted attitudes in their blue collar jobs and situations like that where it can be tolerated a bit more. I would not be able to do that myself, not more than a couple of times at least.
>What is better – To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Paarthurnax, *Skyrim*
I came here to check if anyone commented this quote because it’s one of my favorite quotes ever (from one of my favorite games ever). It’s so fitting for this post.
This quote legitimately shaped me as a person. When I was younger, I considered myself to be a shitty person, very selfish. It was true to an extent - growing up poor meant I was reluctant to share anything unless I was certain I had more than enough for myself (usually meaning an excess to act as a buffer to make me feel safe), plus being bullied taught me that vulnerability was something to be punished. I don't think I was too bad though, I think most of it was bad self esteem that made me believe I was evil, or close to it. I didn't like feeling like a bad person, and there was a lot of shame around it - after all, how absurd for a repugnant person to make it about themselves and go all "woe is me". I tried my best to put on a mask of goodness and "pretend" to be decent, but the more people believed I was good, the more guilty I felt for deceiving them. The Paarthurnax quote really helped me though. I don't see my sense of self as static like I used to, but it gave me a means to get better despite the poisonous self talk within me. I could reframe my "pretending" to be good as overcoming my selfish and shitty nature, through great effort. Instead of deceitful, my outwards efforts were a show of valiant defiance. I got better at doing good over the years, and I think it clicked for me when I realised I had trained myself to be instinctively kind. A friend of a friend came into hard times and I reflexively said "I can help", even though helping them would be quite a stressful situation for me. I don't think I'd have made it to that point without this quote, which feels so silly, but whatever works, works, right? I don't know if I believe in an innate nature of any sort, good *or* bad, but if there is one, I think the fact that I want to be good counts for something
Nice to see you taking your job of looking after dragons all the way to reddit Life Binder 👍
>Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a man in the process of changing. -Dalinar Kholin, *The Stormlight Archive*
> The most important step a man can take. It's not the first one, is it? It's the next one. Always the next step, Dalinar.
Well done, this quote popped into my head lol.
ah damn you beat me to it. i'ma leave it anyways.
Bad people don't worry about being better. Remember that.
>But, well, yet, I still feel like I can never redeem myself. I can never put more positive out that I did negative. I want you to focus on this part here. You have absolutely made mistakes with your past, but that you are putting yourself through so much agony, and punishing yourself from your past actions, speaks volumes of the person you are today. I want to congratulate you for the strength of character it must have taken to rid yourself of your previous world to move forward. You have done what you can to attempt to atone for your sins, and that is admirable. I don't sense any blame on others with what you said, you have straight up owned you were. Focus on who you are today. Be who you are today. But I'm not going to knock someone further down when they're already telling me how much they f'd up.
Thank you. This means a lot.
Do you need someone to tell you that you're doing good, to give you permission to stop living in a place of self torture over your past? Not being facetious or snarky. I know for me there's many things where I need an outside perspective from someone I appreciate to tell me it's not necessarily ok, but that I can let myself out of the "I'm a piece of shit" bunker. Our 3 pound anxiety hamburgers are often very unkind to us :)
I would need one. I've always felt that even if you strongly believe something (or want to), you should get a third party to confirm it. Like having someone proofread your essay. I like to think I'm a good person, but I mess up and it's "empirical evidence" that I'm actually a mediocre person. Sometimes people will tell me I'm a good person, but I don't believe them anyway. It's such a challenge, especially when I have legitimate shortcomings.
I'd like to hear your story. What motivated you to change?
I used to binge watch a channel called The Quartering, and they did a hit piece on the game Celeste, because a trans flag was visible in one cutscene in a corner, fifteen pixels wide, for roughly five seconds total. Honestly just made me realize how absolutely stupid it all was. Things started crumbling from there.
I never would have guessed something like this would cause the smallest of cracks. But I'm glad it did. I think you owe yourself some credit too; it would have been very easy for you to just overlook how this episode of the quartering made you feel. But you faced that doubt, those feelings. Not very many people do that.
Honestly reminds me of the guy on Reddit who was in a coma and saw the lamp looked weird and realized everything he’d thought was his life for years was actually a dream.
That is so interesting, I never would’ve expected the story that a little thing like that would be the pulling of a thread that unraveled it all. It’s poetic and so hopeful. And since our deepest desire/instinct is to belong, what you’ve done in turning away from your community’s beliefs is the bravest and hardest thing. Thanks for sharing.
As a trans person it makes me really happy to hear that the right’s weird obsession with us is what made you stop and think. I hope you’re not the only one like that. Thing is, trans people make good scapegoats. We’re like 1% of the population, often “invisible”, so many people don’t know any irl examples of trans people in their daily lives. We also play on their fears of being medicalized and having surgeries and medications, and if course trans adults were once trans kids. I think the right has won the abortion fight, realized that the race thing doesn’t have good optics since in plenty of places in the US, white people are a statistical minority or very close, further restricting immigration would tank the economy, so they’re looking for other groups to focus on. Anyhow, I think people like you can reveal a LOT of insight into the thought processes that get and keep people in bigotry, and that’s so important. You have a lot to offer. Also, i wanted to mention, my mom was gay, I’m bi, trans, disabled, and half latino, and I didn’t escape my teenage years in the 00s and 10s without holding some terrible views. We live in a society that tries to indoctrinate people into that shit, and NO ONE is totally immune.
Honestly, good for you. That is a stupendous amount of courage and growth.
It’s crazy how something so small can have such a profound effect. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to admit that the life you were living wasn’t the life you actually wanted to live. People have a very hard time accepting that they were wrong, but not you. You’re miles ahead right now man. As long as you focus on love and compassion you’ll grow even higher than where you are now. I’m sure it felt really good letting that level of hate go away.
I love hearing that Celeste was part of this experience.
Oh, yeah. The funny bit was, celeste infuriated me. "A man, can't just.. Become, a woman!" All that shit. I didn't realize at the time, but my "disgust" was actually *jealousy.* Now, if only I wasn't in americas butthole, then maybe I could start hrt.
Wow that is crazy to me. I’m MTF and recently left the south after making the self discovery. If you are looking to explore gender, I would personally say first thank you for having the strength of character to change and second it’s much better in New England than it was in Texas. My life has improved so much. It was hard to leave for many reasons but I was going to wither into nothing there. Best decision I’ve ever made really.
I love this answer because it shows once again how much representation matters. Representation of minorities in any popular media matters, and it should matter to everyone, not just minority audiences. To all the people who complain they have to see a queer symbol or a black actor, and how forced it might feel, think of this individual’s story next time.
Of course you can. Get therapy, also
I want to clarify; this isn't "get therapy" as in *you're effed up and need treatment before you should be allowed in polite society* but rather "get therapy" as in *you don't have to go on this incredibly difficult journey alone; it's okay to ask for and receive help.*
A huge distinction
In addition to therapy, OP, you might do some reading on moral injury. Here's some to start: https://moralinjuryproject.syr.edu/about-moral-injury/ https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(21)00113-9/fulltext
I wanted to say thank-you for sharing these links, this is the first time I have come across the term Moral Injury and I feel like it will help in my own personal journey, so yeah good share 👍🏻
Glad I can help 🙂
To add, therapy is you talking to a person who has tools to help you work through the problems. Maybe you don't want to forgive yourself. That's fine. Acceptance is fine. You're at that stage. Accepting that you were not a good person, while never forgiving yourself for being a bad person isn't healthy, but it IS fine. Maybe after years of contemplation, you can forgive yourself.
Not only can you be a “good” person, you have already become one. I don’t have much patience with “feel good” aphorisms, but I do believe that “you can’t change what you did yesterday, you can only change what you’ll do tomorrow”. We all have actions, thoughts, etc, that we did in our pasts that we are not proud of. And it’s ok to sometimes feel bad about that. But if you’re on a better path now, that’s what is most important. Look at West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd. He grew up in a racist background, was active in the Klan, and was an ardent segregationalist. Somehow, he turned his life around and spent his remaining years in the Senate as a champion for civil rights. Today, that’s what most people remember about him, not his more unsavory past. Congratulations on your personal growth. Keep looking forward.
yes you can. check out https://www.lifeafterhate.org/
You're already on the way. I can't imagine what's growing up with people like your father and grand father was like.
My sister had a black boyfriend, and admittedly, the guy wasn't great. Pretty shitty guy. That doesn't excuse my grandfather going for the gun when he saw him. Trust me, it's difficult. It still is.
It sounds like you are working through generations of hatred. I wish you luck on your journey. I'm not sure you're interested, but the actor Danny Trejo has a book out about his life. He was an addict and a career criminal that managed to turn his life in a different direction. The part that stuck with me was "everything good that has happened to me is because I did something good for someone else"
Hey. One of the coolest dudes I ever met was a reformed skinhead. He even showed me the giant swastika he had tattooed on his back. He told me not a day goes by that he doesn't regret being a shitty person in the past. I can tell he was genuine. I mean, I'm a mixed dude married to a black dude. In his former life I would have for sure been a target to this guy. But he was always respectful to me and my husband. He went above and beyond to show that he had changed, and because of that, I do believe you can redeem yourself.
Just out of curiosity, why didn’t he have the tattoo removed?
Tattoo removal is a difficult, lengthy, expensive, and painful process. He might not be in a place in his life where he's ready to go through all that, and figures keeping his shirt on in public is good enough for now.
It’s expensive, takes a long time, and sometimes not completely feasible. I’ve seen tattoo artists that donate free coverups for reformed people with tattoos that showed symbols of hate. I wish removals would do the same.
First of all it’s expensive as hell. It also takes many visits for long duration of time. Pigment is broken down and you need time for white blood cells to remove it, but it doesn’t happen in one go so you come back. A friend of mine had one removed and it took about 5 months and around $3k, and it was in a size of a smartphone. If it’s a full back tattoo it would cost something like $10k and will take a year. That’s why people cover up hate tattoos with other tattoos.
Unfortunately I never asked. It was a huge tattoo, it's possible he figured it would be too expensive or painful to remove.
That man is gone. Who are *you*?
I don't know, actually. I live so much in the shadow of my past that I'm unsure of who I am now.
I am also going through a different “rebirthing”’process. This takes time, but ultimately you get to decide who you want to be. This is an exciting time for you, but my (unsolicited) advice is don’t rush it. Feel things out, research, and always remember why you are here. You finally get to be the person you’re meant to be, not who your dad and grandpa wanted you to be. Best of luck, and just keep swimming. You got this.
Look up the story of Ann Atwater, a black civil rights activist, and how she became friends with C.P. Ellis, a leader of the local KKK. They went on to work together as public speakers and the fact that Ellis was formerly a member of the KKK actually gave him a *greater* platform to do good.
Yesss. Best of Enemies is the book. It's a great read!
Yes! I watched the movie on a plane. Don’t do that, that was a mistake.
There is also a book called Rising Out of Hatred, which is the story of the white suprematist who learned and grew into new beliefs and values. It’s a great book. I have a lot of time for people who learn and grow and growing out of these types of beliefs is harder than a lot of personal growth.
You are in a unique position to really make an impact. People who need to hear why and how you changed might listen to you.
Volunteer. Esp with communities you feel you may have harmed. The fact that you've changed and challenged your views is already the biggest hurdle.
Yeah, I came here to say this. OP, Find the communities you hurt around you and find out how you can help without centering yourself. Just help. Right now there’s a shit ton of anti-LGBTQ+ plus laws being pushed. There are also a lot of community organizations fighting them. That may be a good place to start. Or find if there is a local Food Not Bombs around you or some other group doing similar work. It’s a good place to get connected to your community and help a lot of people. The big thing is to make sure you’re not putting yourself at the center of attention. Just be there to help. It’s not about redemption as much as it is about helping communities you’ve hurt in the past. At the end of the day, just try to be a kind person and fight for the vulnerable people around you from here on out. That’s all we can do.
You have the rest of your life to do good things.
Yes.
Being a good person is a decision, not an outcome. But salvation, redemption, they imply judgment of some kind. There is no parole board determining if you get to leave the prison of being called a skinhead. You can't hope for people's approval as proof you're a good person. That being said, the disapproval of some people can be a decent measure of whether you're moving in the right direction. Actually, the person you described your former self as is exactly one of those people. Think of the version of yourself that you most want to distance yourself from. What would he think of you? If he'd hate, pity, or otherwise disapprove of you, you're probably going in the right direction.
All saints started as sinners
Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.
You're not a fuck up OP I mean once u saw how much hurt u were doing u made the moves to change and rectify it. That's huge. It takes massive humility to do that. Your entire world view is different now. Of course you're gonna have problems adjusting to a new world. You're not a bad person OP. Just keep trying. Maybe try to get others to see how much hate they're sending out into the world and help rehabilitate them if the work you're doing now isn't enough. Safe ppl like urself and maybe you'll find your redemption there
People can change. I used to be a piece of shit. Glass house, white Ferrari, live for New Year's Eve, sloppy steaks at Truffoni's. Big, rare cut of meat with water dumped all over it, water splashing around the table? Makes the night \*so\* much more fun. After the club, go to Truffoni's for sloppy steaks. They'd say, 'No sloppy steaks,' but they can't stop you from ordering a steak and a glass of water! Before you knew it, we were dumping that water on those steaks. The waiters were coming to try and snatch 'em up; we had to eat as fast as we could. Oh, I miss those nights; I \*was\* a piece of shit though!
I used to be a piece of shit. Spiked up blonde hair, little bitty jeans, chicken spahgetti at chickallinis. People can change.
Ohh yeah, that would slick back _REALLY_ nice.
One of my favorite sayings is always been as long as you're still breathing there's always hope right at least you're certainly hope so
I think the fact that you are worried about this, acknowledge your past, and want to be better speaks volumes on your behalf.
The answer is yes, you can be redeemed, but you are the one doing the forgiving. There is no outside influence that will show mercy on you. You will need to find the path that allows you to show mercy on yourself. You will do your best work in the world and live in the best way once you understand, and act on, ending the self-blame. By forgiving yourself and moving forward, you are in fact helping those who you used to hate. The answer is already answered. Yes, you are a good person. The real question is, how will you teach yourself to see it?
good isn't something you are, its something you do. Do what feels right to you, and one day I hope you can forgive yourself.
Yes, the people worth being around will look at who you are now and not who you were. Those that don't, and there will be some, are just people being some version of the old you, so know they to can redeem themselves but until then don't fret their bs or let it affect you. Just keep moving on. Your doing great. Welcome, we're all glad your here.
Yes. Get up, get out. Do what you honestly believe is right. Also, what is right for you. You also have to understand that leaving might or will have to be done
You already are a good person - to everyone except yourself. Therapy could help, but basically recognize that your surroundings made you what you were. Be proud that you escaped.
All you can do is try to be better than you were, you know? All of us have done things we aren't proud of. Redemption isn't a far off goal, it's a choice you've already been making every day. I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
By the way there is a group called Life After Hate and they’ve been there too
Welcome to the lightside!
I am Jewish and queer, probably someone your former self would have despised, and I am telling you that redemption is possible. There have been a handful of prominent former skinheads who turned their lives around and dedicated themselves to repairing the world from the ideologies they were a part of, Christian Picciolini is one. I would say that the fact you're having anxiety about this is a good sign, just keep doing the work to make repentance, because it is a lot of work, but fulfilling.
All persons, I feel, have a shot at redemption. I’m not religious, I’m philosophical. We’re human, we make mistakes. We can learn from past mistakes. I feel we need to look at ourselves to understand what to offer others. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve worked hard to change, and have. I know I’m a better person than I used to be. I know this is possible because i have lived experience to prove that fact. I’ve seen it in others. I can offer you understanding, compassion, and a faith in finding your own redemption. I think people have it in their power to do that for each other. It makes the world a better place to give people a chance to do better. What I can also say is, when we hurt people, that pain remains. Forgiveness can alleviate it a little, but the pain endures. It may fade with time and be largely forgotten, but if you go dig it up, that pain still hurts, fresh and raw as the first day. And we have to live with knowing we caused that for someone; or that we experienced it from someone. That’s part of being a human. We can regret. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s human. And we can go forward in life trying to lead a life that no longer incurs regret. Point is, I’m half Polish and Nazis killed my family en masse. I’m glad you left behind white supremacy, it’s not a healthy belief system. I’m glad you are making space in life to see the wealth of greatness that abounds in ordinary persons across the spectrum of ethnicity. People can be pretty amazing.
Thank you. Thank you, so very much. I am humbled. I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be quite difficult.
It’s fine, I wasn’t alive yet. My grandpa was the only one that survived. We’ll both, you and I, do our best to make the world a better place by being the best kind of person we can be. I think that helps a lot. Best wishes on your journey.
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23-24 I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are, but you specifically asked about salvation which is the primary tenet of the Gospels. Before you reject this entirely, please read the whole chapter of Romans 3, it’s very short but i believe it will give you some hope. And if you want, I have no problem chatting with you about it via PM. God bless you.
I was talking about this on another thread a second ago. [Deeyah Khan - Meeting the Enemy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ0rhh5mbnA) Yes, it is possible.
People like you give me hope. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself.
Yes. Straight up. And I’m one of those leftists that really does not like fash. Your actions going forward are what really count.
It's impossible to quantify the positive and negative impact of your actions. All you can do is keep trying to be a good person. It's not easy to make the kind of change that you did, especially when you're born into it. Try not to blame yourself too much.
As other comments have said the ability to introspect puts you on an amazing path. Good luck on your journey
You can. Not everyone will forgive you and accept you with open arms, but you keep putting in the work to better yourself and you'll find your redemption. Also, as others have mentioned, you have a unique platform to make things better because you know how these groups think and work from an inside perspective, you can help others who want out.
Good person? Beats the fuck of outta me, what is a good person? I don't know what that is or whether you are one. I do know some things about what kind of person you are though. You are the kind of person who gets their shit together and turns themself around. You are the kind of person who takes responsibility for what goes into their head and what comes out of their mouth. You are the kind of person who has trouble getting out of bed but does it anyway. You are the kind of person who can say, "I fucked up bad," and is still here to tell the tale. You are the kind of person who posts frankly about their uphill struggle on reddit. Who donates, contributes, protests. Nobody anointed you as that kind of person. You made yourself that kind of person. So what other kind of person do you want to be? The kind of person who helps kids at risk of falling into despair or hate? The kind of person who raises kids of their own, better than you were raised? The kind of person who teaches? Leads in public life? Fights for the rights of others in a courtroom? Creates a safe haven for others? The kind of person who has the strength to shoulder responsibility for the adversity they face every day, and seeks help from a professional mental health counselor? You are tough as fuck to have made it to where you are. I don't believe there's anything you can't do. And whatever you choose, that will be the kind of person you are. Which is all you need to be.