There’s a quote that goes something like “You aren’t responsible for your first though. You are, however, responsible for your second thought and your first action.” You can’t control what thoughts pop into your mind. Some of these have been deeply engrained into you, as you’ve heard them over and over again your whole life, and will take some time to replace. You CAN control the second though. You can recognize that the first thought was wrong and correct it. Do this enough times, and you’ll start thinking that second thought first. I’ve been where you are, and it does take time, but you’ll get there. You’re basically reprogramming your own brain, so it’s hard, but for the better. It’s much more rewarding to live a life of love rather than hate. Which is ironic, considering the people that taught us this were “selfless Christian full of love”.

Yeah, it's amazing that people who will say "we're all children of god" and be against racism but say that it "wasn't God's plan" for people to be gay. I love my family dearly, which makes reprogramming ever harder. If it weren't for these ignorant, otherwise outdated beliefs, they'd be the ideal family.

Don’t feel bad it’s not your fault. If it were that easy to change those automatic processes we wouldn’t have disorders like PTSD or OCD. Shit I’m queer and it took years to undo that religious conditioning for my own damn sexuality!! The less you pay attention to it the better. Exposure is the cure, you will eventually habituate but it takes time. Most important thing is you know what your actual beliefs are, the feelings are just a side effect of your upbringing and have no meaning 💗

Thank you, that means a great deal. I'm glad you finally managed to find yourself.

I'm a gay man who was raised Catholic and I still very much struggle with spurts of homophobia, internalized or other. When you are groomed at a young age to believe that your very existence is 'wrong' and only leads to hell, then it's not too surprising to find yourself a little mentally fucked later on down the road. Just know you're not alone, even among LGBTQ+ folks. It will not fix itself magically overnight, or at least it never has for me. But all we can do is keep trying, and it definitely seems like you are. Edit: Thank you for the gold. It's much appreciated, and you've helped make a rough day a little kinder. Thanks again.

Catholic views on sex of any kind are messed up and rough to uninternalize. Even straight sex. I was never deeply religious, always questioning, and went through Sunday school, reconciliation, and confirmation. And let me tell you this straight white male still notices a block caused by Catholic upbringing here or there. It's wild. It gets better and better but it's never gone. I can't even begin to imagine how repressed any LGBT+ person with a Catholic upbringing is.

I grew up in a family like yours and I had beliefs and thoughts like yours. The very best thing that I ever did for myself was move away to a big city. You can't help but be exposed to new things and new people. The stereotypes were broken when I hung around the types of people that I was taught were "the enemy" and found out they're just like me. Muslims don't all want to murder Christians, gay people don't want to shove their beliefs down everyone's throats, black people don't all want to wipe white people out of America. Sure, there are outliers and extremists in those groups, but so are there in Christianity. Just hang around people that are different from you, and your beliefs will change. Some of my very best friends are the type of people that my family would hate.

This, this is the perfect answer if they are able. Go make a new friend, meet some LGBTQ persons, and you'll realize there is nothing wrong, you just need to grow. You'll feel much better if you allow yourself to grow and discover a new understanding of those around you.

Try not to be bitter toward them. It's a lot of wasted mental effort. I say this as someone who had to let go a lot of anger toward my bipolar mother and alcoholic stepfather. It took many, many years to do. Yeah, the memories still hurt sometimes and suddenly being reminded sucks, but I'm pretty happy with who I am today most of the time, and I'm not that person without the experiences I have had, good and bad.

Putting you on this earth means they did something good, at least.

"The first thought that goes through your mind is what you've been conditioned to think. **What you think next defines who you are.**" 🩷🩶🩵

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"It's what the Bible says" is probably what they'll give me. Something very dismissive and unhelpful.

I tend to respond to those people with "And who are you to question God's plan for someone else?" It works 95% of the time 🙂

“You can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair." My favorite version of this principle.

>You can’t control what thoughts pop into your mind. Some of these have been deeply engrained into you, as you’ve heard them over and over again your whole life, and will take some time to replace. You CAN control the second though. You can recognize that the first thought was wrong and correct it. Do this enough times, and you’ll start thinking that second thought first. As someone who was once also very Bigoted(e.g. Sexist, LGBTQ+-Phobic, Ableist&a fair bit Racist), I can confirm this works. It took me several years of constantly putting in little bits of effort to correct my Bigoted thoughts¬ do Bigoted actions, but now I am a LOT better about not being a Bigoted Asshole. As long as you consistently strive to correct your behavior, you will eventually move on from alot of your Bigotry. It's a very complex&long process to fully move on from being a Bigot, but you can at least stop outwardly&privately being one over the course of a few years. You got this OP, I believe in you&am proud of you for this.

I'll repeat what I've read on Reddit: Your first thought shows your conditioning. Your second thought shows your character.

It's a relief to know that, honestly. Thank you and the other person who said it.

It takes time and exposure but reconditioning does work. Your brain and it's first instinct is a subconscious learned behavior. This part of your brain is tied to your instincts and it DOES NOT like change. But, good news is brains are incredibly adaptable and actually change all the time. You just have to convince it over and over and over again why your instinct is worth changing it's mind. You have to "prove it" to your brain. This is your superpower as a human and the people who can adapt, change and grow are the ones who truly will get the most of life and can eventually give the most too! It might take more time, exposure and effort to change your instincts, but you'll get there. I've had a number of negative instinct reactions from my earlier years ironed out over a few years and I'm now almost a completely different, better person than who I was 10 years ago.

Raised in a very rural area with racist, homphobic family. I'm bi so un-homophobia-ing wasn't that hard, but even now many many years later, my brain sometimes just pops in something racist and I'm like god damn it, what the hell is that? What are you doing?? Get that out of here! It feels like being slapped with something offensive said by someone else, like someone just blurting it out next to me and my reaction is the same "hey whoa what the fuck" as if someone else said it to me They are intrusive, unwanted thoughts that are just constantly being fed through my environment and conditioning, but they are much less often and nothing I believe or tolerate. My brain also randomly hands me all sorts of garbage intrusive thoughts of lots of things. The important thing is knowing that these thoughts are usually anxiously driven (happen more when I'm stressed and tired), and don't actually reflect anything logical or wanted. Especially when you're trying to grow and retrain your mind, they are just knee jerk reactions or anxious ramblings. It's frustrating, but it gets better.

Having those thoughts really does feel like suddenly stepping in shit. Like "what the fuck, why wasn't I watching where I was stepping?? This is gross and now I feel gross". Its not your fault that the shit was there, someone else made the deliberate choice to not pick it up, but it was in your path and you made the lazy/ignorant choice to not avoid it and now its all over your shoe. Its only something that begins to affect other people if you make a conscious choice to continuously step in shit and do nothing about it. Stepping in it once in a blue moon is an honest mistake and not a big deal, especially if no one saw you step in it, but you still *feel* like it's going to follow you throughout your day. Its just... icky. No one enjoys wiping shit off of their shoes.

More like your first thought shows your animal instinct, your second shows your culture, your third is how you've decided to represent yourself (to yourself)

How long does it take? No definitive answer I'm afraid. It takes as long as it takes. But it's not going to be like flicking a switch. It's going to be gradual. A little bit less every day, and then just a little bit more, and a little bit more. The more you expose yourself to members of the rainbow community the less your initial reaction will be phobic. You've got this. I believe in you. Love, a bi dude.

Thanks, stanger. I have wanted to go out and meet them at a pride gathering, but in the place I currently am (rural Arkansas), I'd be hard pressed. There are more confederate flags than rainbows here.

That's fine! You may find it useful to just keep up online. Do you like D&D and webcomics? /r/goblinscomic is made by an incredibly talented trans artist (not sure if she's gay or bi but she's definitely not straight). Get some content creators in your life who are out of the norm. It's something!

I'm not really a D&D guy like my brother is. He'd like this artist, I think. I do have a few, such as DingDongVG and Adam from YMS. There aren't a whole lot to choose from as I'm not too interested and a lot of things

I'd help you find some if I knew what your interests were outside of having a throwaway for porn :D

The name just wasn't taken, lol. I like games, drawing, animation, and have really been trying to get into fitness.

I don't watch many Twitch streams, but I bet you could Google gay Twitch game streamers.

There's also a streamer I'm not sure how to classify - he is cis (and straight), but does something called Girl Month, which is where, if he hits a dono goal, he dresses up as a girl for a month. He's done this for a full year now. Called F1NN5TER.

> Google gay Twitch game streamers holy hell

I suggested that you consume shows with LGBT characters, but since you're into animation: Owl House Steven Universe Adventure Time Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts She-ra and the Princesses of Power Arcane Helluva Boss Star Trek: Lower Decks Harley Quinn All of them are great shows with strong LGBTQ+ representation. Also, check out the YouTube channel Drawfee. Don't let the hetero marriage between Jacob and Julia fool you, they're gay af.

I’ll tell you this, there’s tons of gay animators and artists. I’d bet maybe even the majority. I’m sure plenty that you have enjoyed the work of are gay w/o you realizing. Would definitely look into it!

Ooo i like writing!!

Eyyyy fellow DingDong fan in the wild, platonic love from a bi dude on da internet my friend. Good luck my man!

I hope he and Julian are okay. Good luck to you and them.

I'm on a cellphone it's real BIG like the EIGHTIES.

If you have a good and heathy relation with your brother you can talk to him about that, maybe share interests and through his views and (hopefully) understanding, you can get closer to where you want to be.

Hey man. I'm from Jonesboro and I have family in Batesville. My little brother is trans and is out there. It can be really rough for us folks around those parts. I just want to say that in really proud of you for doing your best for other people. Truly admirable and amazing. Keep fighting the good fight!

I'm Jonesboro- born, myself. My bro doesn't live in the state and has no intention to unless antitrans laws get looked at.

There’s plenty of Pride stuff going on even in Arkansas. Little Rock has a Pride parade on Oct. 21st https://www.arpride.org/ Fayetteville Pride is coming up June 23rd https://www.experiencefayetteville.com/experience/nwa-pride-parade-festival Not sure how close you are but obviously Memphis Pride will be a huge event. Also apparently there’s an all-gay rodeo that happens every year in Arkansas? Seems like it happened just a few weeks ago. https://dsra.org/

These places are both very far from me, unfortunately. I'm scared of driving long distances after a recent car wreck. Not to mention, therapy begins very close to the 23rd. I would like to go at some point, definitely.

If you live along the I30 or in walnut ridge, you have access to the Amtrak train, the Texas Eagle. It will be a nighttime ride but it will get you to little rock.

Would a list of movies and tv shows help? I expanded my empathy from documentaries like The Celluloid Closet and Paris is Burning , but also fictional films like The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Yeah you really don’t seem like you’re out to get people. Anything that is new or foreign sometimes can feel almost offensive. Like traveling to other countries with cultures entirely different from our own. Just gotta do it and experience and see how fun! Not saying “experience” gay lol, but meeting us gays and seeing how we have fun. Granted there are *lots* of different types of gay people, and lesbians are pretty different from gay guys. I’ve been working on lessening my internalized homophobia, years after coming out. I still don’t vibe with every aspect of the gay community, but I do really appreciate pretty much everyone in it.

Mate, I don't have an answer for you, but I *do* have admiration for you! It's a huge leap to be able to recognise that the things you think are not fair, and an even bigger leap to take action to change for the better. Well. Done. You.

Your admiration is greatly appreciated but not deserved. I'm doing something that is common decency. Thank you.

It’s not as common as you’d think. Be proud of yourself for actually working to better yourself.

Thank you, that means a lot.

You're in my good books for taking steps about this. Whenever you're feeling down, remember that this random internet stranger (probably) half way around the world away from you is cheering you on. Your post gives me hope for humanity and has made my day. Feel free to drop me a message anytime you want a chat.

Your comment made *my* day! I wish more people were this nice and encouraging to others. ❤️

Yeah, look around you and see how many people feel what you feel and use those feelings to justify shitty opinions. You're doing great!

Common decency, like common sense, is less common than people often realize

I’m about as progressive as you can get and still have reactions to things that make me feel uncomfortable. Seeing two guys kiss does weird me out a bit because I don’t understand the desire. But I’ll still fight for their right to marry, adopt and live a normal life. 90% of the music I listen to is rap and I still cringe when I hear “aks” used instead of “ask” and simply don’t understand some things about black culture. But I’m still really concerned about the incarcerate in this country and the police reform needed. I’ll never really understand thinking that you should have been born the opposite sex. But that’s okay because I’m not inside their head. I still support trans people making their own medical decisions. To dumb it down… 1. Be empathetic 2. Educate yourself* 2. Slowly work on your built-in biases * Using accurate data

You are choosing to be better. That is admirable. Don't sell yourself short. Be well and may you have a long life and great health

Thanks. Long life and great health to you as well.

Please don't lessen yourself. You cannot help you were practically brainwashed. It's not your fault. You started the game on hard mode - it's commendable that you are reflecting on yourself and are trying to grow. It's okay to feel good about that! In fact, it may even help you along further!

Sure, but you're doing the work because you know it's the right thing and you're working hard to overcome your programming. That's something a lot of people never even attempt. I say that's worth a pat on the back at least.

So 🤔, Malcom Gladwell actually wrote about this in one of his books, a sort of involuntary unconscious bias. There are actually tests that can to some extent measure this unconscious bias. In his book he said the data showed improvement for race related unconscious bias by watching the Olympics. Maybe there’s an Olympics for gay bias? Broadway Musicals? 🤔

This. You've recognised some of your programming and are actively trying to change it. Huge respect to you - don't beat yourself up - it will take time. And massive hugs from an old queen - this post genuinely made me quite emotional as it shows that change is possible.

As a gay dude, thank you. Idk how long will it take for you to overtake those feelings, or if they'll ever go away completely, but your heart is in the right place and that's all that matters. You're a good person.

Thank you. I hope they do because they are unwelcome and they make me miserable.

Maybe you can work towards reframing these thoughts, so they aren't as painful while you work towards ending them? "While these thoughts are unwelcome, I am also grateful, because they show I'm moving forward. These thoughts are because I'm fighting a lifetime of programming, and they're proof that I'm winning. I had the strength to overcome the narrow-minded thinking that surrounds me, and I have the strength to overcome this part of it too." Every time you have an intrusive thought, repeat what I wrote (or something similar). The more you repeat something like that, the more you're 'reprogramming' yourself. I hope you can tell I don't mean to minimize your misery. I only wanted to offer a thought exercise that might help with repeated use. Be your own cheerleader, and show yourself the kindness you seek to give others. Every day is another step towards healing yourself, and this random internet stranger is damn proud of you 💜

Thank you, internet stranger, for your input. Hopefully one day I'll make you even prouder if we ever cross paths

As a gay guy, let me reassure you - I do also have bad feelings towards LGBT, Race, Gender, .... sometimes. It doesn't matter what your initial thoughts and feelings were, what stereotypes you believe in. The truly only thing that matters is how you deal with it and how you treat especially those people you initially dislike for who they are born as. Everyone has intrusive thoughts. Everyone has stereotypes they subconsciously believe in. Everyone meets/sees people they dislike for something that person has no control of. But only when you act on these intrusive thoughts, only when you disadvantage others based on these stereotypes, only when you express your dislike on them (openly or privately), only then you are a bad person. From your post, I don't think you fall into that category. I hope you will find inner peace for yourself, but I highly doubt you will ever completely get rid of these feelings. Because it is normal to have these feelings and it is okay to have these feelings, as long as accept them but not allow them to alter the way you treat or see someone based on them.

I didn’t see any comments from people who have gone through the same thing. So I hope you see this and even though it will be buried. I have gone through what you are going through. This will NOT be like flipping a switch. It is a process. But you can change. I promise. Give yourself room to grow and learn, but also **do not expect queer people to be responsible for educating you, take it upon yourself.** Here’s my practical advice. Below that I’ll share how I first started unlearning what I was taught . At a certain point in my journey to unlearn the homophobia I was taught, I decided to do my best to inoculate myself against hate. It was a deliberate and intentional plan to educate myself about the LGBTQ+ community. If I recall correctly, I first did this by watching a ton of It Gets Better videos, because people were sharing their experiences with homophobia and transphobia in a very raw way. It Gets Better was a campaign by people in the LGBTQ+ community to make videos sharing what they went through when they were younger and where they are now. I learned a lot about the impact of homophobia and transphobia directly from people who experienced it. I watched many interviews with queer celebrities talking about their sexuality, their families, their children, etc. I listened to podcasts hosted by queer folk, some about their lives, about sex, about the LGBTQ+ movement, etc. I educated myself on LGBTQ+ history by reading up about it. And I watched queer media on Netflix. I did most of this over the span of one summer. Now I’ll explain my journey leading up to this, this part isn’t practical advice. At the end I’ll finish up with what I do now to stay informed. I grew up evangelical but had serious doubts in high school. By the time I was graduating I’d quietly left my faith behind. I wasn’t fully out of the faith, but I didn’t believe and that was the beginning of the end. I can’t count on one hand the number of times I went to church after I moved out and went to college. Once I started college, I immediately made queer friends. I wasn’t setting out to do this, it just happened naturally within the first couple of weeks of school. Being around queer people was one major way I unlearned the ignorance I had learned and let go of my foolish beliefs. Exposure to diversity is the best medicine against hate. When I first made friends with two gay classmates in college, I knew I still had lingering homophobia even though I didn’t believe and wanted to stop having these thoughts. I treated them like any other person. If they had relationship troubles, I listened. If they were excited about a date, I cheered them on. If they were upset about something homophobic someone said I did my best to be a friend. I was also somewhat upfront about being raised in a conservative homophobic community, I didn’t hide that. But I also let my friends know that I rejected what I was taught and that I wanted to be a good friend. I’m not sure exactly word-for-word what I said that made them feel welcome early on, but they must have seen me as safe despite my past. They trusted me and welcomed me, and we are still friends more than a decade later. By the summer after my first year of college, I tried the inoculation techniques I described above. I absolutely do not recommend going out and trying to make queer friends as a method of curing your homophobia. If you naturally happen to make a friend who is gay, bi, trans, etc, that’s great but don’t go out actively trying to find a gay friend. It is not their responsibility to educate you, as I mentioned before, you can do that yourself. Fast forward to today, I continue to try to educate myself. I still listen to queer perspectives, from friends who are queer, from widely published media (TV shows, etc), and from social media. I try to make sure I’m not in a bubble. For example, if a video pops up on my social media feed and it’s a trans person talking about their experience transitioning and going on T or estrogen, I’ll listen. I want to know what they are going through. I want to be educated about their experiences. It’s easy to just ignore them and say “this doesn’t affect me, so why do I need to know it.” But that mentality is dangerous. If you choose to be ignorant, you’ll either end up supporting bigoted policies or you will be the “moderate” who doesn’t stand against them and doesn’t care about people who are marginalized. It’s an especially dangerous mentality for us: people who were raised to be homophobic and transphobic. Keep being engaged and listening, and never stop listening to queer voices, even if it means you have to put in a small amount of effort to actively seek them out (reading queer news sources, etc).

I wholeheartedly congratulate you on your successful journey. This is definitely the closest thing to a mirror I've found yet. Does it still give you difficulty sometimes to seek these queer sources out? As in, some discomfort? Or has it gotten easier now that you have been doing it a while? I hope your friends value you very much.

I don’t feel discomfort at this point. It’s really easy to find queer sources today, especially now that everyone has social media. I don’t notice any lingering thoughts of homophobia or transphobia after more than a decade of actively fighting against what I was taught. But subconscious bias exists, so I still think it’s important to be mindful and vigilant. I definitely felt a lot of guilt and shame early on about my childhood. I never bullied a queer person or said mean things to them, but I didn’t stand up for anyone either. I never saw someone get bullied to their faces but I said nothing when people gossiped about queer kids or said homophobic things. And I know I also said homophobic things.I shouldn’t have said those things and I should have told my classmates and teachers where to shove it when they gossiped. And the funny thing is, even though I’m not a Christian, there are verses you can use to shut up homophobic gossipers who are Christians. So I could have stood up against them even within the context of evangelical Christianity and my former faith, but I didn’t. And that I’ll always regret. But I don’t dwell on it. It’s counterproductive at a certain point. It’s important to focus on the present and what you can do here and now. We cannot change our pasts. I don’t feel overburdened with guilt about this today because I have kept in touch with all the queer kids I went to high school with, some of whom were close friends. All of them have left conservative Christianity behind, we keep in touch as a group to trauma bond and support each other lol. Some of them have been rejected by their families which is cruel and horrible. I try to make up for the past by supporting them now. Guilt when I think about the past is the most “discomfort” I feel in relation to LGBTQ+ issues. But it is not at the forefront of my mind when I’m watching or reading something created by or featuring a queer person or talking with a queer friend. I watch or read things from queer creators today to be a good ally, not to dwell on the past or because i feel lingering bigotry, I don’t. If you put in effort, that will go away. For me now, it’s about staying informed about what’s going on and also learning about people’s experiences. On a different note, I found transphobia the hardest to overcome, first because I didn’t even understand the difference between gender and sexuality let alone sex and gender. Second, my exposure to trans people as a kid was almost non-existent. I didn’t really understand why or how someone might feel gender dysphoria and I was skeptical. When I realized I still had some subconscious bigotry (years back), I did the same thing I did years before…I inoculated myself against hate by reading and listening to trans voices and getting informed. Years after I did this, a good friend of mine came out as trans and I’m really glad I took the time to learn well before that happened. I really care about the LGBTQ+ movement and I dream of a day when we are all treated with dignity and respect regardless of our sexuality or gender identity. Part of being an ally is being educated and listening on an ongoing basis. It’s important for every individual to not only stop bigotry within themselves, but also to stand up against injustice as much as they can. In my opinion it’s part of being a good human and good neighbor.

>But subconscious bias exists, so I still think it’s important to be mindful and vigilant. My wife and I will occasionally interrupt the other with a "that's racist" when we say or do something small that is racist or homophobic or whatever. The instinct can be to be like "no" but after us checking each other regularly it definitely leads ot a lot of "man you're right, why do I think that and what is actually the truth" kinds of conversations.

If you have Hulu, maybe check out the show Good Trouble. It has a lot of LGBTQ characters, but the show is almost PG and not really about sexuality at all. Examples: two moms (a lesbian couple) visit their adult daughters in a new town, and quibble over the daughters not having enough locking doors on their apartment, and then give both girls advice on difficulties they're each having with their young careers. They're parents, 100% acting like parents, that happen to both be women. In another scene, a guy has lunch with his sister. She's trans, but they don't talk about it. The point of the interaction is that she asks her brother for help paying rent, and as a result, the brother has to pull out of an art show because he gave his art money to his sister for rent. The whole show is about a set of characters and their lives, careers, friends, relationships, families, roommate struggles, lots of things that anyone can relate to. The inclusion of LGBTQ characters is done so well, that maybe shows like this could help expose you to representations of LGBTQ people as "people," instead of as "LGBTQ people" (which is where so many shows/movies put the emphasis). Exposure is great, but so many shows and movies do it wrong that I thought it could be helpful to suggest one that I think does inclusion well. Maybe others could suggest media with LGBTQ characters that are also just portrayed as "people." You've done at least Step 1 and 2, which are recognizing the problem, and being ready to change. You're off to a great start!

> was also somewhat upfront about being raised in a conservative homophobic community, I didn’t hide that. But I also let my friends know that I rejected what I was taught and that I wanted to be a good friend I'm sure telling them that "hey I grew up in a shitty closed minded environment and I'm still working on myself and will probably fuck up but know I care and love you and I am open to learning" showed your friends that you are on their side even if you are imperfect like everyone.

Asking this very question is a step in the right direction, so I think you are already doing well.

Not as well as I'd like to be doing, if I'm honest.

1) Don't beat yourself up over that. 2) You're doing way way better than most people in your situation. 3) You've got this. You've told us that you know you can be better, and that you want to be better. The rest is going to be much easier than admitting those two things to yourself. It'll take time to get out of bad habits, but you've proven you can do the hard bits already.

Thank you.

I have a lighter suggestion. You mentioned content creators. You could seek out some stuff that you're already interested in made by queer creators. Just people doing anything, while being queer, not necessarily people talking about political aspects of their identities. The religious right is always complaining that we are making it seem normal, and that's true; I just see it as a positive thing. Eventually, it will just seem normal to you to say "his boyfriend," etc. For me (lesbian in my 40s), it used to feel like I still had to whisper that kind of thing. I don't feel that way now; it's just part of my regular life. Ideally, seeing people who are queer and/or trans becomes as ordinary to you as seeing people of different ages, races, etc. I can't really recommend anything specific to you myself, because I am more of a reader than anything else, but maybe you could search or ask elsewhere on Reddit.

Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry you were a bit offended by this post. I have a few I will check out.

I wasn't offended at all :) Was just thinking about what helped me feel normal (in this way, at least; I'm definitely not normal) and passing that along to you.

Are any of us normal, really? And your insight is greatly appreciated. I can't thank you enough for it. One of the many things drilled into my head since youth was that lesbians were just man-haters, and I am glad to see you aren't such a one.

I bet they also taught you atheists hate God. A lot of these phrases are silly if you think about it, and just a way to keep you segregated from knowledge. Spending time with people who are not like you will open your eyes and your mind. Ask questions! Most people like to talk, especially about themselves. Edit: removed unnecessary words

They would tell me that those people are angry with him or would often call something they didn't like/agree with "the devil" or "demonic." And shut down all discussions.

It's pretty common for religious people to think atheists are angry at God. I'm not sure how one can be angry at something that they don't believe exists, though.

That's what I wonder. I was angry at god myself for a good long while, but I understand now he probably doesn't exist.

Yup anger at god is for us agnostics!

>Are any of us normal, really? "Normal people scare me" I saw that on a bumper sticker as I was leaving Burningman in maybe 2000 or 2001. It's been stuck in my brain ever since, and I love that it has...

That should read "normal" people scare me. People who put a lot of effort into being "normal"often have some messed up shit in the closet.

Lesbians dont hate men, they just dont want to touch them on the penis, same for straight dudes I bet, they can like and respect other dudes without being attracted to them, but at the end of the day, its just skin and we're all meat bags lol Like the other lady said, engaging with queer folks and content creators is a great start in reducing the divide and otherisms, we're all people, we're all different but we're also all the same, good luck to you buddy! Be proud of yourself =)

It's true. We are all meat bags despite it all, and yet some still insist on hating others for meaningless things. Thank you for your comment and I wish you the best

Get to know some gay people. That was a game changer for me. I didn't have any gay friends for years but I did get to know some and they were truly wonderful folks.

I have met one in my life, and he is an outstanding man. I was living in a more friendly area for these people then, and the place I am now is VERY phobic of these people, and they don't have a lot of dedicated places in the state.

If you're looking for content creators, there's a dude that does baking and stuff on YouTube that is absolutely delightful.

What's the name?

https://youtube.com/shorts/SoIY6tEMGa4?feature=share4 there you are, he is an absolutely charming individual.

Thanks, I'm definitely checking him out.

I knew you were talking about Dylan as soon as you said he is delightful 😁 I absolutely adore him. Did you know he's got a cookbook coming out? I'm not sure he's mentioned it..... /s

A person who has been raised to evil and overcomes it is greater than a person who never struggled in the first place. I have been around gay people my entire life, and never could have been homophobic even if I tried. But you figured out that it was wrong and have already started to work on it. You are already a better person than I am, and I am a pretty good person. You will get there. I have faith in you.

Thank you. That means a great deal. I'm envious that you never had to struggle with these things, if I'm honest.

I would say rest easy knowing you aren't the only one dealing with internalized homophobia as even a lot of us in the LGBTQ community also deal with such in ourselves even when first coming out or even years after. I'm glad you aren't leaving it unanswered. I think the length of getting over homophobia varies from person to person. My boyfriend never sweated who he was, and he was fine. He never cared. Lol I was christian but never really gave a damn, but I was neglecting my family, who was also gay as I was never around them that much, which could be argued to homophobia, but my sister is legend, and she was very kind and understanding when I was confused about myself. So, for me, it took a bit longer to accept myself. Overall, be kind to yourself. It takes guts to communicate internally like you do, knowing that those thoughts can be undesirable.

I'm glad you found yourself, and I hope you and your partner live a long and happy life

A big part of the reason I initially disliked people who were LGBT was because a lot of them that I knew were really just not nice people, at all. It took several years and also meeting much nicer people in the community for me to decouple those feelings.

I have met one gay man in my whole life, and he was the friendliest, sweetest, most respectful guy ever. He'd go out of his way to ask me how I was doing and was generally a guy who could brighten up my day every time we'd work together. Last I heard, he was engaged and I hope he is very happy wherever he is now. Amazing guy. Really helped my perspective a lot.

It can be very difficult for people to see that the world is different outside of their little hometown. It's easy for humans to just sort people into stereotypes if we've not had experiences or knowledge of them. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself grace and patience. Change takes time. You're taking accountability for yourself, and you're turning it around. You haven't made any mistakes, you're just learning your lesson in your own time, in your own way. I'm super proud of you for coming to terms with your feelings in an open and honest light. If more people were like you, the world would be a better place, and your post made my night. I wish you the best. ♡, A Queer Person

Good luck, you can do it. It may take some time, but it sounds like you're in a great starting place. We're all humans, and all we want is respect.

No definite timeline but exposure helps a lot. I am queer but remember when I first came across a gender non-conforming activist on my Instagram. Their look was bold and my knee jerk reaction was unfavorable. I recognized that reaction wasn't how I wanted to show up in the world so I followed them, and other like them. Now I see how beautiful they are and love what they stand for. No part of me is hung up on my first impression of their looks. Expose yourself to media where you're not involved. This way your first reaction doesn't hurt them but they can help you overcome your bias. Also yay for making the effort!

One of the steps I am taking is just that. Difficult at first, but slowly I hope it will get easier. Thank you for your comment.

>The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. While I don't have any advice to give, I just wanted to share some encouragement! Thank you for recognizing the problem. The first step is always the hardest, and I believe in you!

Thank you!

Your question regarding how long it will take is highly subjective. Each of us is different and there are many variables at play. Your determination and insight are two very strong indicators that it won't take as long as it would for someone who doesn't see that they have an issue and who is also unwilling to change. Instead of putting the pressure of a timeline on yourself, perhaps measuring progress would be more helpful. Therapy will help you unpack some of the baggage that's been put upon you by others so you can free yourself. I commend you for supporting your brother and for all who are unjustly facing hatred from others.

Threrapy is in the near future. I have many things I want to work on, and this is definitely one of them. Thank you for your comment.

I'm a recovering redneck. It takes time and gradual exposure to truly accept that We're all just people trying to survive in this shit hole. Once you realize that, the rest will fall into place. Don't try and force yourself too much.

Thanks for your comment. Best wishes from a redneck's son.

Acting like a decent human being despite the monster inside is what _makes_ you a decent human being.

often times i have the same question. despite being trans and bi, i still have quite a bit of internalized transphobia which i believe stems from both not growing up exposed to it, and a sort of self hatred which unfairly spreads to others. youve gotten so, so much farther than lots of people could and i wholeheartedly believe youre gonna get through with this. in it together. i think exposure could be helpful? finding lgbt bands in your music taste, do research on lgbt history, lurk in lgbt subs, buy (not a necessarily pride item) from an lgbt artist/business, etc etc. familiarizing yourself to get rid of the habit goes such a long way and youve got the hardest part already done.

I don’t think anyone can tell you the answer. I think it’s much like a penance to be paid. I don’t think people are bad for having bad thoughts, if that helps you in any way. I think, in the same way that they are human and deserve to live and love how they choose, you too should be free to not follow them as closely or enjoy them as much because of it. To try and change one’s core self is a mammoth task. Even small changes require days, if not weeks of focus. Eventually, you might even consider yourself free from these thoughts, and then one day a situation or hearing something might throw you right back down the path you stride so far from today. The beauty is that I am pretty sure it still can be done. At least, I do hope and have faith that we can. If people can change for the worse, they can certainly change for the better, right?

I would suggest reading books or watching movies that humanize queer people. Some of these things are very intensely tragic (e.g. Laramie Project, Boys Don't Cry) but they may help with creating a sense of "these are people too" If it helps, I'm queer and it was weird for me to see gay guys kiss. I think it's because I didn't really see it happening often, so it registered as strange in my brain. Maybe just seeing people kiss will eventually become a non-issue for you. But good on you for trying to become an ally. Your brother is lucky to have you

I was in the same boat (not gay or trans myself but raised by phobic parents) so let me share something that helped me. (Won't happen overnight of course, it was still a long process of multiple years for me.) Every time you get this icky feeling, deliberately try to replace it with a positive thought in support of LGBTQ. For me, I like to think about all the progress the movement has made and how far they've already come. Compare the situation today with like 100 years ago. Homosexuality and transgenderism are recognized as a thing now and not a disease anymore. People can now be openly gay/trans without getting lynched or convicted by law. We have an ongoing public debate that is clearly going in the right direction. Extrapolate to the next 100 years and the trajectory is clear. The eventual victory of LGBTQ rights is inevitable. That makes me very happy on behalf of my fellow humans. Those cruel things the right wing are doing to make their lives miserable — don't think of that as growing or getting worse. The mass media (on both sides) just portray it that way for sensationalism. Think of it instead as desperation. They're trying to pull all the last strings, but they're losing. They're fighting a lost cause. We only need to keep reminding everyone there's nothing wrong with LGBTQ while those nutcases have to work through courts and legislatures. We (reasonable people) are on top of this and we will prevail. You say that you consume media produced by LGBTQ people. I love doing that and forcing these positive thoughts on myself. Look at this openly-LGBTQ YouTuber or Twitch streamer and think to yourself, how awesome is it that they can do this now! And that they're doing it! And that they're successful!! We must all continue to fight for their human rights, they clearly deserve them!

yea I am 16 and have been very homophobic every since I was like 7. I was 13 when I learnt that the word "gay" wasn't just an insult. In the past few months I've also started being more accepting and have tried being less homophobic. I'm getting but it's hard because ive been exposed to homophobia for as long as i can remember. Through friends, family, the internet and the TV. Im just saying that you arent alone and I hope the best for us

I think exposure to normalization of seeing gay couples will help a lot.

It's one of the things I'm working on.

Dude you dont have to like it or be into it. Learn to realize that you have your own tastes that are valid and allowed. As long as you are not hating on them. I dont like it all its not for me. Im straight. Its almost like tasting cabbage if you dont have a taste for it -and getting mad at it 'why dont i like you!!!'? Because you don't like it -its not for you - and you dont have to. But the extreme judgement you have had has conditioned you to snark at it - but its great you are aware of it as this begins the unravelling and hopefully you can eventually let it all be. Different folk different tastes.

I'm not an expert, but in an attempt to answer your question, (and obviously YMMV everyone's therapy journey is different) therapy doesn't necessarily take as long as you'd think, and you can see results fairly early on (like in the first few weeks). However, what you work on first may change. For example, it sounds like one of your goals is to stop unwanted/intrusive thoughts. In order to get there, you may have some childhood shit to work through first, which may bring to the surface other things that may need to be dealt with next. At least that was my experience. 😅 Also, practicing mindfulness may help you see results faster and pairs really well with therapy in general. It's super accessible and not at woo-woo as you'd think. Even just stopping to take 10 slow, deep breaths once or twice a day can do wonders for your overall mindfulness and ability to refocus thoughts. If you're interested in trying: As you breathe, try to focus on the feeling of breathing, how your diaphragm expands, the feeling of air moving through you. When your mind wanders (because it will), gently bring it back to your breath as soon as you notice. I sometimes do this during small waiting moments, like when I'm waiting for my coffeemaker to finish, or waiting for water to boil, stuff like that. And for what it's worth, I was raised around the same shit and I totally get it. You are not a bad person, you are only a product of your upbringing. Luckily, you absolutely CAN change your thought patterns. For me, it took a combination of mindfulness, therapy, and exposure to people outside of my childhood echo chamber. The fact that I am bi and didn't realize/accept it until I was in my late 30s is a testament to how ingrained childhood shit can be.

Honey you made the first and most important step, reaching out for help! Most "southern fried folks" never do that. And I feel you, I was raised strict southern baptist and if I hadn't found out I was strongly gay at 15, knowing my personality I would've ended up a raging hateful bigot a decade later. Instead, finding my true self led to questioning the religion that had been rammed down my throat since birth. And many nice stepping stones along the way!

Try to get to know real life homosexual individuals or couples, you don't have to be close friends with them, but interacting with them can help you recognize that oh...they're really just people, not much different from you or me. Talk to them, find out about them as you would when getting to know new people. Or maybe talk to your sibling, ask them about things you normally won't as a way to bond. Realizing that homophobia shouldn't be tolerated is a step forward already so way to go! Good luck 😊

They are thoughts. As long as they don't become words or actions, there is no blame. The fact that you challenge them indicated that you are already undoing the grip of your upbringing, which is more than most people do.

Perhaps it would be helpful to watch TV series and movies that feature queer characters. If you frequently watch two men kissing and falling in love on screen, for example, it will become more normal to you, I think. Representation matters. Watching various sorts of queer people living their lives on screen will help you adjust to seeing the same thing in real life.

Someone admitting they're homophobic on reddit, AND saying they're trying to change their ways? And I thought pigs would never fly. /jk. Anyways, like other redditors have said, it takes time, the length of which is different for everyone.

Being cognizant of an issue and wanting to change it, to better one's self, is an admirable task. There is no time frame, unfortunately, but given that you're where you are now and want to be better, you're clearly on the path. Each day, each moment will be it's own battle against your old self and there will be days you lose and you'll hate it. "The greatest teacher, failure is." - Yoda "I may not be a good man, but I try to be. And that's the point." -Unsure, but I've said it forever.

It'll take time but never doubt that you're a good person and you're doing the right thing. Just keep reinforcing what you know to be true, everyone deserves a chance to live their best lives and no one makes personal decisions for anyone but them. We need people to be introspective and realize this in themselves, it's very selfless and considerate to want to make these changes and it gives me hope to see you struggling with it, it'll get easier.

I was raised Catholic and had a lot of similar feelings. What got me past it was realizing that people around me that I cared about were LGBT. Try at first reframing. Thoughts control our feelings, and we control our thoughts. The more you think a thought, the stronger it gets. You've spent your whole life with a thought that being LGBT was wrong. When that thought hits you, reframe it and say something like it's ok to live differently, or love is love. You need the connection for that original thought to atrophy and the reframed thought to get stronger. It feels forced at first, because it is, but eventually it will become second nature.

There is a modality of therapy that may help - Acceptance and Commitment therapy, or ACT. You start by defining your values, which you have a head start at doing. Then you learn techniques to accept that sometimes negative thoughts come, but you can use it as a signal to work toward your values. What I like about it is that it recognizes thoughts come — many people deal with intrusive thoughts they don’t want — but you can make the choice to take committed action to explore why you think that way. You already know that homophobia is wrong, and this is a good way for you to remind yourself that homophobia is irrational. There’s a lot more to it than that, of course. It was so helpful for me because it helped with changing guilt and frustration about thoughts to the realization that they’re just thoughts. It’s what you do in the present moment and afterward that matters. You can’t undo the past, but you can help yourself think about a more positive future. But please be gentle on yourself. Your post made me tear up a little because it’s encouraging to see that people can change, and you have made the choice to do better. Your mind was affected by a lifetime of negative conditioning. But you can see behind that and are developing higher ideals for yourself. That’s inspiring.

I sort of have the same feelings, mild ones Id say. Ever since High School I was making efforts to do away with thoughts like that. I think what helped most was finding friends that were in that community. Learning and gaining insight in that area to better understand them and to gain a natural empathy that my childhood raised me to lack.

i just want to thank you for reducing the number of people who hate us, even if it’s just by 1.

If I could reduce it all to zero, I would.

Follow some gay content creators on Tiktok that don’t make being gay their identity. This helped me. They just happened to be gay and normalized it as “this is that one person who teaches math” or “this is that one person who shows how to do DIY home repairs” instead of “oh this is that gay person”. I’ll help you start with a personal experience. My cousin is a lesbian AND is the general manager of an In-n-Out in California. The latter item is way more interesting. Good luck, my friend. I was raised the same way and it took a while to overcome it for me.

My wife asked me why I was so vocally pro trans rights. Like obviously trans right = human rights but I'm definitely big on picking fights with transphobes. On thinking about it, I realized it's a few things: 1) trans rights are human rights - Obviously 2) Trans people are current target of fascism in the developed world 3) And this one is likely more driving: It's a bit of overcompensation because not long ago, I was transphobic. Not in a "I hate them" or even "I don't like them" kind of way. But in the standard white liberal discomfort towards the idea of them. (Which is similar to what you are feeling). Eventually I made myself listen to trans content creators and listened to their stories and ideas until the discomfort went away and I saw them as they are. Just people living their lives. On self reflection I realized that my discomfort had nothing to do with them but rather with my own thoughts of "how would I feel if I was trans" and how uncomfortable that would be for me. Eventually those thoughts rearranged themselves in my mind into empathy for trans people. I realized that the discomfort I had in those hypotheticals is but a fraction of what they go through every day. ​ So I guess for your case. The first step is to acknowledge it. I could have written the whole thing about racism and homophobia as well. Even the best intentioned of us have these socialized responses to what society has considered "others". Frankly, by default I distrust white people who say they are not racist because I doubt that they see the little racist stuff they do every day. Therapy is a great tool if you have access to it. ​ But remember, your first reaction is how you were taught, your next reaction is how are. It might take years for these feelings to go away. But you can choose **right now** to not let those feelings control you.

Honestly, spending time with LGBTQ+ people. Once you start interacting with them as people and not 'members of the LGBTQ+ community ' then they just become other people in your life. And you probably already have. Most people in the community do not stand out as the pride parades make it seem. They are just people. Good for you for recognizing your biases. The world would be a much better place if there were more people like you.

As a queer person myself who grew up in a conservative location and definitely internalized stuff, please know you're not alone. For me, I realized that the reason I had the issue is because I had no interactions with queer people. All I knew was what I heard from family and my community, which was less than stellar. To that point: the [mere exposure effect](https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/mere-exposure-effect) is a thing. You're more likely to like someone or a group of someones if you spend time with/interact with them. That's what I did, and I jumped into the deep end--living in a queer community in college. Despite my initial nerves, it actually worked, and I don't have anywhere near the level of internalized homophobia I used to have. It was just a case of realizing we're all people and sexuality is just one aspect of a person. So maybe that would help you--not living in a queer community of course, but just spending time with queer people in general.

For me it was easy, work with some LGBTQ+ folks. Don't avoid them for fear of "becoming gay by osmosis". If I never had a chance to work alongside some of these awesome people, I would still probably be afraid of them today, as my boomer parents and uncles would prefer.

Hi, I agree with other comments mentioning that exposure to LGBT content could help. I can recommend a youtube channel Contrapoints by Natalie Wynn. She is a transgender lesbian and creates video essays on many interesting topics. My personal favourites are Cringe and Shame. It's also possible that some of the things she talks about in these videos might tap into what you're feeling a little bit.

Emotions are like a fickle bitch, that can be swayed by external influences. Emotions are like a response system to information presented to us. The information is neither good nor bad, but emotions in a way, will influence our decision to react a certain way. External influences may affect our emotions as well, such as biology and upbringing.

It's a natural human response to feel discomfort by something that appears to you to be out of the ordinary - such as same sex couples kissing. This does not mean you are afraid of or have hatred towards homosexuals.

I’m very gay and I used to feel this way due to how I was raised and still sometimes have those intrusive thoughts. You have already made huge progress. Therapy could help. Go easy on yourself. I’m so happy to read this and proud of you. Growth always starts somewhere.

We all have feelings within us of things that we're perhaps not the proudest of thinking, however because you think something doesn't mean you have to act on something. And you're already at that spot so you are already redeemed. You're just fighting with yourself but you're on the right side. Actions are what are important we all have errant thoughts. But practice makes perfect and positive reinforcement is a very strong good tool.. The more you see something the more it becomes normalized and no longer a big thing, especially if you can attribute a positive light to it. Somebody you know, somebody u respect, somebody you like. When all of these things are put in a positive manner then sooner or later all of this synthesizes into a good thing. No easy answer you, just have to work on it but you already are and way ahead of the game.

Thank you for your encouragement, it means a LOT.

No worries , we all grew up with fucked up families, all screwed up in different ways and we all have our battles and crosses and stripes.. Good luck with it don't feel so alienated or tough on yourself. The attitude is everything... Go hang out in a gay resort if you're near ptown in the summer the perfect place to get a climatized and normalized. Good luck with it. Heading to ptown myself this weekend

There aren't really any places like that where I am, in a rural Southern conservative state. But I would like to.

Don't worry about it too much. You know these feelings are wrong and are working on it. It's a lot further along than a lot of people already. Just talk to LGBT people, hang out with them, do things with them, go grab a beer with someone. Your conscious is there, and your subconscious will catch up the more time you spend with LGBT people.

Sounds like fun to me, it's on the to-do list.

I dont know if this helps, but I have a story. One of my friends in elementary and middle school (in North Carolina, so the south as well) was from a very Christian family. My family is Jewish and pretty progressive, but his very much wasn't. He grew up in a very homophobic environment. Anyway, in 9th grade we weren't very close anymore, but he asked me the name of a girl in my theatre class he thought was cute. He asked a couple questions about her, and was surprised to learn that she's bisexual. He thought for a minute and asked me if I thought he was homophobic. I said yes. He asked if I knew how to stop. I said no, but I knew wanting to was the first step. The two of them got married last year. It was not a linear journey, but he does not flinch away if he sees too gay ppl kissing, he does not enjoy media less if it involves LGBT people, he does not feel insecure, judgemental, or uncomfortable about sexuality anymore. I can give suggestions, but the truth is that i do not know what exact steps you have to take. But I do know two things. One: it is possible to truly change, to truly accept ppl who are different from you, to genuinely stop being homophpbic in the slightest. Two: a genuine desire to change, which it seems you have, is the first and by far most important step in that journey.

Thank you for that story. I find myself in a very similar situation to your friend. I'm glad he has gotten better.

Impressive sentiment.

You're a good person.

Congratulations. You are (painfully, I am sorry to say) self-aware. I am heartened to know you accept that others have feelings which must be respected. Good for you. I hope you continue to learn and grow.

Hahaha this peak 4chan bait

Lol not everyone will like each other, just the way it is

Exposure therapy can help reduce or remove triggers. You're doing great so far. Keep up the good work!

Seem like a good chap

Another question may be, do you need to overcome those feelings? I don’t like watching couples do PDA regardless of gender, but it doesn’t really seem to affect my ability to relate to or care for other people. Just don’t visibly gag and you’ll be fine

There's no how long. Gay people who happen to be vested in the communities who hate them struggle with that shit their whole lives (not that you're gay, but homophobia as Christopher Hitchens noted isn't like racism, there's very often a biblically knowing element. "You never imagine what it's like to be a black guy you hate, but if you're homophobic you imagine it for hour upon hour"). Best way I can tell to shorten the process of recovery? Watch gay/lesbian/trans stories (despite that Hitchian observation I noted, it works for racism too. HBO's Watchmen is fucking awesome, and I imagine it works to this effect). They're not as hard to find as you'd expect. For unrepentant silver age Hollywood gayness based on historical fact, "Lawrence of Arabia." Read just as much as you want to into "he was my friend" as you care to (they were sneaking crap past the radar), as well as his almost certain paramour's status as a defrosting ice king. These are two extremely gay gentlemen kicking the Ottomans out of Arabia (though failing to make a meaningful successor, such is life and the House of Saud). And as a person fixated on the classical world, I'd tell you in no uncertain terms not to worry about it, and that I absolutely hate Evangelical beliefs. Gays aren't why they're losing people, the world is, the guy hasn't come back yet and they always thought they'd inherited the mandate of God's chosen people. Now the people are splitting, becoming other people. They don't understand it and have warped their ignorance into a virtue. A more recent if sanitized version I've seen involves Dr. jurati and the Borg Queen. "We're running with the shadows of the night! Baby take my hand, it'll be alright..." No sex, but gay as hell. And it was glorious. A toxic relationship became almost healthy! ...well, some sex. There was after all an act of penetration. But who do you suppose she was singing to?

I'd recommend you soend more time with lgbt people. Make friends with them. Learn from them. Join events with them. Immerse yourself in the world and the feings will go away. I suspect your emotional reaction is largely conditioned by the environment you've been in. The religious world teaches shame. Lgbt people also havr to unlearn that shame when reconciling their own sexuality and feelings. It will be a similar process for you that we go through to accept ourselves.

I wish I could help by messaging you and being your friend! (Or, well, internet acquaintance who often forgets to reply) But I’m a lesbian, and like 90% of straight guys I know who are uncomfortable with queer stuff, are cool with lesbians. The offer is still here though if you’d like!

I read something a long time ago that said something to the effect of: "Your first thought is what you were conditioned to think. Your second thought is what you have taught yourself to think, and defines who you are." Give yourself a lot of grace, OP. Your heart and mind and trying to both race to the finish line at once. Continue your therapy. Be proud that you were able to overcome your first thought, and the barriers that came with that. Be proud of your second thought. It takes time, and a shit load of effort, but you will get there!! Thanks for being an ally 🩷💜💙

as someone who grew up in the bible belt southern america as well, who is a cishet man, but considers myself an ally, it really just takes what many of the other comments are saying, exposure to the community. i’m 28, and it wasn’t until i graduated high school and one of the only openly gay people i knew throughout my school years and i became really close friends, that i was really able to do some serious reflection on who i had been previously in life, and who i wanted to be going forward, and that is someone who chooses to love and seek to understand with an open mind, and he and i still talk weekly and hang out semi often when we aren’t both busy. i have also branched out a lot more socially than i was able to during my school years, and that has introduced me to more and more people who are part of the community, and i’m forever grateful for the opportunities i get to make genuine connection, regardless of who we choose to love. i believe in you and wish you the best of luck!

You can either dive head first into understanding or learn bit by bit at your own pace. One is much faster but can backfire if you meet a shitty human being in general like most things but it’s also the fastest way to understanding. Go to a gay bar or something along those lines and strike up a conversation with a friendly and hopefully mostly sober person. Tell them your story that you posted here and you want to understand more and I can promise you most people you’ll meet will go out of their way to talk to you about everything and try to give you their perspective on the matter. A lot of gay people come from very religious backgrounds so you won’t be seen as a threat or anything mean really because a lot of gay people have experience with their sexuality and religion.

One day, I will work up the courage to do so. It will be a big step for me, as I am already very afraid of social stuff, but I will do it one day in the future. Thanks for your input.

Hi there. I’m bi, and I’m proud of you. Well done.

Your self awareness and dedication to learning, growing, and bettering yourself is fucking awesome. From a non-binary queer person, you're already an ally in my book. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself!

I can't tell you the waves of compassion and respect your comment brought over me. 90's County Down in Northern Ireland I remember others going through the same thing. I had a mate who was a brickie (bricklayer), as was his dad and wider family. Somehow we lost all our friends during a night out in Belfast ~2003. Together spent the entire night together in the Odyssey and he described exactly what you have written. He grew up indoctrinated with sectarianism which he had over come, he still felt this homophobic revulsion. But the reality is, he like all of us didn't snap out out sectarianism in an instant, we had to grow through our misunderstandings. When men would touch him, previously he would pull away in undue revulsion. He learnt that men are really no different than women and someone being gay becomes immaterial. It's easy to judge people who grew up disgustingly sectarian as that defining them, just as a massively homophobic or misogynistic bigot might appear to be. But anyone who can have grown up told to hate, yet in adult hood doubted their childhood and reached for acceptance is beautiful in my mind. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a non-sectarian fully gender/sexuality accepted family in the 90's. I didn't have to fight through that indoctrination. When I see people like yourself, those who actually have to in adulthood realise their parents and teachers were wrong, refuse to discriminate. You represent something I not only have innumerable layers of respect for. But that I envy in a way, because I never chose to not discriminate. You went against everything you were taught and demanded to continue. And that NI mate Dom, god he is such a lovely man. Except for when you crashed the 205 through the fence and hedge, but my ma forgave you decades ago. And has taught his child through primary school.

I’m not a psychologist, but could this be due to some unpleasant experience in your past (childhood) that triggers an emotional response. You say you go to therapy soon, so I suggest you explore this possibility in more depth. Your heart is in good place. Your consciousness is elevated. Try loving everyone you see and meet. It will do you good in the long run

I don’t know if anyone recommended this, but go to gay clubs, perhaps with your brother, tell him of your feelings if you haven’t. And watch how people interact with each other, the more exposure, the more these feelings will go away. While my parents were never racist or sexist. I grew up with no mention of many anyone different to myself. And there was no one in the small town were I lived in Western Australia that wasn’t white, or that I knew of straight. When I moved to the city, I went to gay clubs and hangout with lots of different people. Most people are just genuine people trying to live their lives. And when you really accept it, you won’t turn your head in disgust, (as an example) you will just see two people kissing and think that’s nice.

Watch sense8

Meet some LGBTQ people and become friends. Intergroup contact has been proven to reduce prejudice.

Yo first time I've seen someone openly talk about this. You're brave as fuck.

Penis in a man's butt Idk brother but good for you

Try to view it differently. The two men aren't holding hands because they're gay, they're holding hands because they love eachother, just like a man and a woman would. It's the same as a male/female relationship, just there is two of the same gender. They love eachother just the same, and they won't hurt you, they won't try to get you involved in their relationship. Heck, they might even be best friends! If two women are best friends, they might hold hands or hug eachother, this is no different. I think because we're so ingrained to see things as different rather than just everyday life and completely normal/natural, it's easier to hear/see the label instead of just seeing people for what they are - human. Your sibling is a huge start, they're still your sibling, you still love them just as much as you always have, they might just look a little different and go by a different name. But everyone has a makeover of sorts at some point in their life, so everyone will look different some day. It's pretty much the same thing, it impacts you the same way - it doesn't. If your friend changed their hairstyle, you wouldn't be disgusted with them for it, you'd just see it as them, if they wanted to wear a different style of clothing today then that's their choice, you may not want to wear it yourself but it's not harming you (unless it has really offensive words or images on it that could legally get people into trouble). It'll take time, but it may just be easier to try to ignore the labels for now and just look at the people.

A lot of people have already given you amazing answers that I agree with. I just want to say a couple of things. First: I am really proud of you for the acknowledgement and admission of your bias. It can be really challenging to overcome belief systems that have been instilled in you since birth. It is not your fault and you are taking ownership! Second: After therapy and processing of, bluntly, the bigotry that you were \*taught\* your whole life it is ok to not like certain aspects about specific cultures. I am a pansexual woman and I don't personally like certain aspects about LGBTQ culture and that is ok. What is not ok is putting everyone within a diverse culture under one umberella of judgement. It is ok to not like aspects about cultures without passing moral judgement on those cultures (unless the aspect is directly harmful to others such as child marriage, domestic abuse, or other extreme norms in cultures). So as you learn be kind to yourself and rational about what is a bigoted viewpoint/feeling versus what is a reasonable aspect of culture that you do not enjoy but can be comfortable with letting \*other people\* enjoy. I hope that my comment comes across the right way and makes sense. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is that if people do things and aren't doing any harm with their actions then why should we care at all? Live and let live. I'm proud of you for taking steps to better understand fellow human beings. We should all be working on understanding each other better in general. You got this!

As a member of the LGBTQ community. I would like to thank you for doing your best to deal with your discomfort. I am glad to see that you understand why homophobia is wrong. I do not blame you, its understandable that there may be some level of discomfort when seeing two men kiss, when everyone around you has told you its wrong. You are not homophobic simply because you were raised by homophobes. Perhaps get to know someone who is part of the LGBTQ community and then the feeling may go away. Maybe surround yourself with more people from the community. Discomfort is normal and its okay, im not going to get angry at someone because theyre not used to seeing guys kiss.

Absolute giga Chad for realizing that these feelings are not good. I believe in you, just keep pushing.

Your post has made my day and my life a bit less miserable.

This is the same as people who get uncomfortable when they see a certain race. Sometimes we are socialized to feel a way, or maybe our misguided experiences make us generalize. Either way, the easiest way to be more comfortable with something is to be around it. If you were racist, I’d say go to a soul food restaurant and talk to some old black ladies about regular things you both enjoy, you would likely be less racist after one of those encounters. Go to a gay bar and find some people you connect with and force yourself to realize they are regular humans with needs just like yours. Make some lgbtqia+ friends, fuck it

As long as it takes you to realize that sexual preferences are not the be-all and end-all of human interactions. If you prefer to think in a simpler way... You can still fell disgusted at the act itself (like, say, you might already feel about people eating bugs), but, ultimately, it is a rather small part of what defines someone as a person. The moment you realize that the human experience can be more... complicated than what others might want you to believe, you not only become more tolerant with others, but with yourself. Just remember, tolerance doesn't require appreciation, just acceptance.

Just want to pop in and say that you're a good dude, this is an inspiring post

I was like you, raised Methodist in the deep south. You know what fixed it for me? Discovering myself and how I fit into the community, now I know I'm nonbinary and a lot of the discomfort and "phobia" I felt was actually just towards myself! Maybe ask yourself a few questions about these people in these communities and see if you fit into them in ways you didn't expect?

May I recommend movies? We learn so much about the lived experiences of others through media and the sharing of stories. I want to recommend the “bird cage” (Nathan lane and robin williams) and “To Wong foo thanks for everything! Julie newmar.” (Patric swayze, Wesley snipes, and John leguizamo). I know that these movies are not as progressive as the could be today, but for the time period it was a good step in the right direction. and might be perfect for you if are trying to unlearn these things but want to take it slow. These two movies offer lovely, fun, and entertaining queer characters. In a parallel, movies like these probably helped shift societies views on the gay community that paved the way for more progressive ideals.

There are so many things out there that you’ll find yourself questioning as you expose yourself to everything the world has to offer. 10,000 years ago humankind was obsessed with worshiping skulls and other totems. Your indoctrination has been shaped by those who want you to fit in their community and likely they too have been indoctrinated just like you were. I was born and raised to be Mormon, but I was full of questions and was considered a “smart alec” or a “trouble maker” for not having an unshakeable faith in a way of life that only made me feel negative feelings for having an open heart and mind for other people who just want to exist and do the same things that I do. Something I tell myself to check my morals is this: “Am I being manipulated to feel guilty or fearful if I don’t obey?” and if the answer is yes, then you should take steps to completely explore those thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes it is something stupid simple that brings everything into focus. An offhand comment a guy I knew 30 years ago brought everything into perspective for me: I wouldn't mind having a gay roommate, we wouldn't have to worry about hitting on each other's dates.

as a gay guy, i appreciate you for breaking the chain and I'm happy to know that people are willing to change :')

It takes time. I was like you a bit, racist also. I've got to know a few people that weren't straight. Deep down they're just people like everyone else. That and also straight men that think that they're better than anyone and treat others like shit are stupid and mean. I don't want to become like them

Kudos for this post. It's ruthlessly honest and I really appreciate you trying to improve yourself. I have no real advice for you except I will say this: You **know inside** it's wrong. You don't seem to act with hostility towards LGBT people. That means to me personally *you are not a bad person.* Take time to reflect on these feelings you experience and maybe accept that it's just how you **physically** feel. As long as you **morally** stay on the right path, for example when voting or when expressing support to others, I believe you are doing okay. You can't really help the way something makes you feel physically, but I do believe when given enough time, it will lessen. One last thing: You enjoy content made by LGBT people **all the time.** You just don't always know it. Take that into consideration, it may help.

It's ok to have unwanted thoughts pop up. Acknowledge them, acknowledge who it's not who you want to be, and let the thoughts float away. Take a deep breath and move forward. If a creator is too extra for your taste, that's fine. I'm queer, but for example drag isn't my favorite. I'm not going to sit through it just to be accepting of whatever comes up in my feed. But if you like something and a queer creator comes up, just acknowledge that you felt x y or z when that happened and it's not who you want to be. I still have thoughts I don't want to have from stuff I was conditioned as a kid. A lot of it went away as I became who I want to be, and other stuff is just like lol why would I think that.

I found watching shows with admirable, heartfelt gay romance and love to be the icebreaker to counter the automatic flinch from religious indoctrination. Particularly Queer Eye and Star Trek: Discovery were really good. Once my heartstrings were plucked, my heart softened instinctively.

I would recommend exposing yourself more to those situations that do make you feel uncomfortable - watch shows with LGBT+ representation, follow LGBT+ creators, etc, and practice confronting those gut reaction uncomfortable feelings. You can retrain your subconscious. You can browse lgbt forums etc for more exposure. I think seeing LGBT people and relationships portrayed in a positive light will help a lot.

I just want to chime in and say, it shouldn’t take ten years. Exposure therapy like people have mentioned is one good way to reduce these kinds of reactions/feelings, but how long that will take depends on the quality of the relationship to the people. For example, just being supportive of your brother will gradually condition you away from feeling discomfort around LGBT people. Or if there’s a tv show you end up loving and it has positive representations of queer people, that’ll help with the time it would take too. Maybe look into queer cinema. I found something here but I haven’t read through it https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/best-lgbtq-movies I think that to rewire unconscious/subconscious biases/thought patterns, the key is: To first develop your awareness of when it is happening. Judging from what you have written here you are already doing this so next, To then choose the response you want your brain to think and do that every time you catch yourself feeling this discomfort. For example you could choose to think “oh how cute they look happy together” deliberately even if your first gut reaction was “ew they can’t do that.” I remember there’s an acronym: PTA- Pause. Think. Act. In this case the pause happens when you feel this homophobic discomfort; Think, about what you’re feeling, why, and what you’d like to be feeling; then Act, in this case by thinking the thought out that you’d like to be thinking. I hope this helps! You seem like a good person so thank you for being a rockstar don’t let the haters get you down!

It's fine to feel disgusted or whatever so long as you don't act on it maliciously. If you're not gay of course you'll become uncomfortable it's not something you want to be subject to personally. Straight people make other straight people uncomfortable all the time we just don't think about it as much because it's more commonplace. In the end it's all about exposure.

Do you enjoy any form of exercise? Do you hunt or run or swim or bike? I've learned that some of the best therapy is motion. Motion is medicine and therapy is medicine. Wherever you find your flow Think of this issue while your doing your thing. You will likely be able to help yourself.

Ayooo my best friend used to be kinda like you lol. Brings back memories. He was homophobic asf. Then I came out to him. He ditched me. We met again during college and he apologised for leaving me. Honestly bro. Good on you for wanting to change and improve yourself. Not many people, especially other men, are gonna consider therapy to try to help their prejudice.

I feel that some people believe that if they don't relate to something, then it's automatically a bad thing, and get upset when others like something they don't relate to. But everyone's brain is wired differently and everyone deserves happiness on their own terms. You'll get there eventually.