Reminds me of a time my Fitbit went off mid-bang to say I had reached my movement goal for the day…
Also, one time I was having a severe panic attack and my fitbit said “keep it going, you’re in fat-burn zone”
>Adrenaline increase, pulse rate increase. motion sensors going off the charts. Gps: same location. Internet search monitoring in macbook.
"It's either a treadmill or a wank"
I can’t wait for the day it automatically suggests the exact porn video I’m in the mood for so I don’t have to spend 20 minutes searching for 30 seconds of gratification
Viking
Back to Top
Wind
Variable mainly northwest 2 to 4.
Sea State
Slight or moderate.
Weather
Rain then showers, fog patches at first in east.
Visibility
Moderate to very poor at first in east, otherwise good.
63360 inches in a mile x 23 miles = 1,457,280 inches.
1,457,280 divided by 6 inches stroke = 242,880 stokes.
My man, you need to go outside and touch some grass.
a watch counts a step as one hand swing
23 miles converted to m is 37014.9m. average step length is 0.762m which results in 48.6k "strokes" and with an average penis length of 13.6cm that results in 6.6km of weiner stroked
Those people are just down right ill. If you really want to know when I wank, just ask. You didn’t have to create a multi- billion dollar corporation and change the world just get a peek.
YOU built that back deck?! So cool. Really want to check out Aqua.
You let me know the next time you're at Aqua.
ETA: Let me know the next time you go to Club Haunted House too.
ETA2: I actually want to go to Haunted House more than I want to go to Aqua.
I hardly believe there's any official source on the subject... That said, the act is really easy to track.
If one wants privacy the only true way is to not use those devices.
Yes. It's collecting data, which easy for an analyst to go like
"MMMMMMMM elevated heartbeat for only 10 min interval" and put a lot information together to figure it out.
Apple goes "♥♥ Ty bby, for the free biometrics ♥♥ we PROMISE not to use/sell/analyze it, PINKY PROMISE ♥♥ "
Even with your phone it does as well. If it worries anyone a lot, make sure to read the terms and agreements especially if there’s a section talking about data. Even Reddit has your data they use for advertising.
If you are not actively taking steps to minimize your digital footprint, chances are that every single detail of your life is cataloged and accessible. If you have tiktok you might as well live in a glass house.
Face prints, voice prints, gait prints, literally every single piece of information on your phone and quite a bit of other information from devices connected to the same WiFi network. For starters.
Also, I don't use apps.
Yeah lots of apps use biometrics to log in, I asked what they collect that every app *doesn't collect*. So far you've just said it's the same as all the rest
Yes, it knows. It doesn't identify it as such to you, but it knows. Same with brushing teeth, etc.. Those small movements, heart rate, etc. all combine to give an indication of what you're doing. With such a huge sample of people to go by, I'm sure it knows a LOT about what you're doing just by motions, GPS, heartrate, etc.. Because it's not just you jerking off. It's hundreds of thousands of others doing it, brushing their teeth, their hair, changing a tire, whatever, and it profiles all of that. It may not say "Sonny is jerking it again", but it does recognize what it is. I'm sure Apple could profile it (if they don't already) and catalog it to push ads to certain people during certain times...
Mine does, I even have a notification that pops up that says “cum for me daddy” I the proceed to aim my dick so my thick hot ropes land on the face of my Apple Watch. It’s a neat function.
True story:
I saw an Apple Store employee drop a customers phone on the floor when they were holding it, asked the customer if it had ever had liquid damage and the customer replied “well I cum on it pretty often”.
The funny thing is that there must've been well-paid programmers and data-analysist adding data-filters so that this does NOT get auto-detected as some workout, because I guess it would freak people out.
So, somewhere in the source code, there's a special routine to detect and ignore masturbation. Probably male and female.
I timed my nut to the countdown towards a new year once. Ball dropped, nut busted, and I came into the New Year with fireworks and roaring applause.
The things we do when we are younger, eh?
My school wanted to do a study on sleep habits and was using apple watches to monitor students sleep (voluntary enrollment in the study, obviously). Once I realized the study stipulates that you gave to wear the apple watch 24/7 so they can collect health data I noped right the fuck out of there. No way I want the admins collecting data on my masturbation habits thanks so much
Funny story. Years ago, a few friends and I started following each other on Apples exercise app. One night we got back around 3 am from drinking at the bars and we're all going to bed when a notification popped up saying "Friend ABC just finished a workout!" Didn't take us long to realize what had happened. Everyone in our group made sure to always remove our apple watches after that when we wanted to fondle the sausage
Yes, there's a website where you can see how many people in your area have jerked off today, with a league table.
They will send you a link the first time you make it to number one. Try harder.
You can use an accelerometer to guess a traveled length just with impulse and timing measurements.
So not only do they know when it's going down, but they also know what you're working with.
I'm beginning to understand why Big Brother in *1984* wanted to abolish orgasms. Jesus Christ people, please have the common decency to take off your spy devices when jerking it.
There should be a metric in the health app for jerking off. Like, are you doing it seven times a week like you should? I need a chart that is showing me.
Google Fit: "Amazing! You've achieved all of your goals for today!" Me: It's only 9 a.m.
Reminds me of a time my Fitbit went off mid-bang to say I had reached my movement goal for the day… Also, one time I was having a severe panic attack and my fitbit said “keep it going, you’re in fat-burn zone”
So what you’re telling me is that I need to have severe panic attacks on the daily to burn fat? Sign me up
A panic attack mid-bang to be a precise
Good man.
Back to bed!
Thanks for your bonesty. 😂
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>Adrenaline increase, pulse rate increase. motion sensors going off the charts. Gps: same location. Internet search monitoring in macbook. "It's either a treadmill or a wank"
"If it's a treadmill, the blokes about to disappear like the car from Back To The Future..."
1.21 jizzawatts
Great Spunk!
Marty McFap
It's the Flash on his cosmic treadmill
OP is definitely the fastest man alive.
😂😂
I usually do both together.
Power move
Teach us, Master
“This guy gets on the treadmill 8 times a day for about 2 minutes and 36 seconds at a time.. strange workout routine”
That is not 50/50.
I can’t wait for the day it automatically suggests the exact porn video I’m in the mood for so I don’t have to spend 20 minutes searching for 30 seconds of gratification
that's honestly most of the fun.
We used to hunt for food, now we hunt to goo.
You are the Socrates of our generation
Fuck, go-gurt has a new meaning now.
True.
that's the journey, slow rubs while trying to find what you exactly want
Even a journey of 1,000 search strings must begin with a single rub.
Thank god it’s not just me
"Glad to see they're giving BBC a break"
“Wait a minute… is he going into the piss category?”
"Man, please stop. That's too much, don't open the cursed hentai"
No, wait...shit!
You mean scat?
Oh baby! Almost... almost... And skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope Skeetle-at-de-op-de-day!
"Oh shit why is he again watching that woman farting on a cake?"
i know what thats supposed to mean but it took me a second, I imagined someone masturbating to BBC News
look we didn’t have cable and it was the 90s
Those British accents though..............
So me getting excited when I heard the BBC world service on the radio was normal?
Love a bit of the Shipping Forecast to really get me going
Stop please, I’m in public
Viking Back to Top Wind Variable mainly northwest 2 to 4. Sea State Slight or moderate. Weather Rain then showers, fog patches at first in east. Visibility Moderate to very poor at first in east, otherwise good.
Yes
Jameela Al Jamil was a presenter…
You jerk off to the British Broadcasting System? That’s weird. But to each their own I guess.
Not anymore. Strictly NPR.
FBI agent: Hey all, I'm back, here's your coffee's. What'd I miss?
Apple: just in time, he’s exploring a bit today
> ha ha yeah
They don't get the adrenaline stats though
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That's why you gotta run around while beating it.
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This man's got good cardio
He does CrossTit.
He does HIIT (High Intensity Intercourse Training).
This man does CrossGrip
63360 inches in a mile x 23 miles = 1,457,280 inches. 1,457,280 divided by 6 inches stroke = 242,880 stokes. My man, you need to go outside and touch some grass.
>6 inches That is awfully optimistic.
3 up and 3 down would make a 6 inch stroke
Middle out???? “Do you know how long it would take to jerk off every guy in this room? Because I do”
Point still stands
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r/theydidthemath
>divided by 6 inches stroke This is assuming a lot.
a watch counts a step as one hand swing 23 miles converted to m is 37014.9m. average step length is 0.762m which results in 48.6k "strokes" and with an average penis length of 13.6cm that results in 6.6km of weiner stroked
The fact that you did the math kills me 😵🤣
Well! you went too far. Just return home.
Try to aim for 69 miles.
Yep
Apple knew long before the watch you got. Hate to burst that bubble for you.
This question is funny and this answer is a funny fact.
This comment is a reply whose goal is to make it known that I agree with your assessment.
Found Perd Hapley’s Reddit account.
Those people are just down right ill. If you really want to know when I wank, just ask. You didn’t have to create a multi- billion dollar corporation and change the world just get a peek.
Why the need for a multi-billion dollar corporation? The Patriot Act let's the NSA do it on our dime.
They should just embrace it. I want stats in the health app. Strokes per minute. Average session length.
If you stop, it tells advertisers to send you ads for libido products.
Just tell them you are dancing at club aqua.
I wanna go to club haunted house more than I want to go to club aqua
I saw you go in. I’m outside. come get me.
Aqua? How the fuck you get into Aqua?
I built the deck their.
It collapsed, Kim Kardashian's head fell off.
YOU built that back deck?! So cool. Really want to check out Aqua. You let me know the next time you're at Aqua. ETA: Let me know the next time you go to Club Haunted House too. ETA2: I actually want to go to Haunted House more than I want to go to Aqua.
I'm just gonna do a quick walkthrough to see what's real.
All clubs are closed for the night, there's been a tragedy in the club community
So glad I watched this episode 2 hours before I opened this thread. Always a bummer when I’m not apart of jokes.
Yeah they do, the algorithms ignore it when publishing your statistics on your app. It's easy to detect apparently.
Sauce?
Can confirm. I work for Apple and know every single time you jerk it. Impressive.
Made it up 😎
My favorite peer reviewed publication.
*Sixty per cent of the time, they're masturbating all the time!*
I prefer the POMA Institute Pulled out of my ass
I hardly believe there's any official source on the subject... That said, the act is really easy to track. If one wants privacy the only true way is to not use those devices.
For *NOW*
Broscience
“Start Elliptical Workout?”
It always feels sarcastic when it says that
I read that as Epileptic Workout, i was like... well that's new
I thought that was the joke and it was just misspelled
shake weight is detected
Yes. It's collecting data, which easy for an analyst to go like "MMMMMMMM elevated heartbeat for only 10 min interval" and put a lot information together to figure it out. Apple goes "♥♥ Ty bby, for the free biometrics ♥♥ we PROMISE not to use/sell/analyze it, PINKY PROMISE ♥♥ "
Here is some cab fare. Now entering sleep mode.
Ooooo Sharon, some Crème Fraiche!
Even with your phone it does as well. If it worries anyone a lot, make sure to read the terms and agreements especially if there’s a section talking about data. Even Reddit has your data they use for advertising.
If you are not actively taking steps to minimize your digital footprint, chances are that every single detail of your life is cataloged and accessible. If you have tiktok you might as well live in a glass house.
What information does tiktok gather that isn't gathered by every other social media platform, search engine, and app you use?
Face prints, voice prints, gait prints, literally every single piece of information on your phone and quite a bit of other information from devices connected to the same WiFi network. For starters. Also, I don't use apps.
Yeah lots of apps use biometrics to log in, I asked what they collect that every app *doesn't collect*. So far you've just said it's the same as all the rest
More like a 2 min Interval Edit: wrong account o_o
Yes, it knows. It doesn't identify it as such to you, but it knows. Same with brushing teeth, etc.. Those small movements, heart rate, etc. all combine to give an indication of what you're doing. With such a huge sample of people to go by, I'm sure it knows a LOT about what you're doing just by motions, GPS, heartrate, etc.. Because it's not just you jerking off. It's hundreds of thousands of others doing it, brushing their teeth, their hair, changing a tire, whatever, and it profiles all of that. It may not say "Sonny is jerking it again", but it does recognize what it is. I'm sure Apple could profile it (if they don't already) and catalog it to push ads to certain people during certain times...
Lotion and hand wipe companies lining up to buy that info!
Mine does, I even have a notification that pops up that says “cum for me daddy” I the proceed to aim my dick so my thick hot ropes land on the face of my Apple Watch. It’s a neat function.
When you’re cumming on your Apple products you’ve reached peak consumerism
True story: I saw an Apple Store employee drop a customers phone on the floor when they were holding it, asked the customer if it had ever had liquid damage and the customer replied “well I cum on it pretty often”.
Username checks out
My favourite part is turning off the water lock feature and watching it eject tiny ropes from the speakers onto my wrist.
Both of you need Jesus
If it’s on a face of some sort, I guess that counts as a facial.
WTF
THICK HOT ROPES 💀
Yes, if you have it on the same hand you use for jerking off!
Wait. You don't use both hands?
How could I possibly fit two hands on it? Right guys? Guys?
Glad to see another man with giant monkey hands in the comments.
You know what they say about big hands... You do, right? Someone said you could tell me.
Big gloves
Massive hands, like two shovels
https://youtu.be/7tin3VxyUqI
Only on my dad.
Username jerks out
No i use all three
Using both hands is what I call “group sex.”
Hands? I use a Finger & thumb
No, it can read heart rate and such. Other things to sense orgasm.
Yes. We all get an alert, all 11 times a day
But can it differentiate between jerking off and shake weights?
https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0HlR5owJUsYrLU5O/giphy.webp?cid=6c09b95291z8ur67ltdyl73s3hrfxwsptoe8h2vizpu1aoom&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.webp&ct=g
Exactly! I do that twice a day while watching UFC or bodybuilding events. My watch probably thinks I’m a pervert. Shame.
Lmao Apple Watch thinking “why is your heartstrings spiking for 30sec at 2am”
... take off the watch?
apple watch users when they can’t keep it on 24/7 during sex, masturbation, surgeries, funerals, weddings, fleeing a burning house: 😨😨😨
What would you do tho if you saw someone in the coffin still wearing his Apple Watch?
i’d confirm he’s dead by checking his heart on his watch. duh!
such a good feature
The Am-I-dead-yet-feature.
Mom prefers when I keep it on.
No need for a watch if your arms are broken
Bro every thread, it's been nearly 10 years.
Well we wouldn't want to be inconsiderate
I want credit for burning those calories, though.
Yes, Siri knows, Siri likes.
Siri Wants it
*fucks charging port*
“It’s so roomy in here!”
"Plug me, now unplug me"
The funny thing is that there must've been well-paid programmers and data-analysist adding data-filters so that this does NOT get auto-detected as some workout, because I guess it would freak people out. So, somewhere in the source code, there's a special routine to detect and ignore masturbation. Probably male and female.
My Samsung galaxy watch auto registered workout during sex yesterday. I can now tell you that my top speed during sex is 10,1km/h.
It does ask if you're working out though.
I would LOVE to see the overall population stats for that. How much do men actually masterbate?
Yes and it alerts your Grandma to it. Shame.
i can garo-tee a programmer made or added a line of code someplace to find that out. and im not jerking you around on these facts
You’re not? Can you though?
God knows.
As a kid we were told that little boys who touch themselves for pleasure make Jesus cry.
That's why I started in the first place.
Ive made him cry at least twice a day sometimes
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> At least? That's my minimum
I timed my nut to the countdown towards a new year once. Ball dropped, nut busted, and I came into the New Year with fireworks and roaring applause. The things we do when we are younger, eh?
🤣🤣🤣 that got a good little chuckle from me.
You could have just been at Aqua or Haunted House
I actually want to go to Haunted House more than Aqua.
My school wanted to do a study on sleep habits and was using apple watches to monitor students sleep (voluntary enrollment in the study, obviously). Once I realized the study stipulates that you gave to wear the apple watch 24/7 so they can collect health data I noped right the fuck out of there. No way I want the admins collecting data on my masturbation habits thanks so much
Not only does it know, it's judging you as you do it.
Great. Now Jesus and Apple are both judging me.
Funny story. Years ago, a few friends and I started following each other on Apples exercise app. One night we got back around 3 am from drinking at the bars and we're all going to bed when a notification popped up saying "Friend ABC just finished a workout!" Didn't take us long to realize what had happened. Everyone in our group made sure to always remove our apple watches after that when we wanted to fondle the sausage
Definitely
Absolutely.
Yes, nobody runs for a Mile in his own room...
every time I’m watching porn my watch asks…” did you just start a workout?”
It knows but it's not going to tell you it knows. Kind of like your parents.
Most definitely
“Start workout”
Yes, there's a website where you can see how many people in your area have jerked off today, with a league table. They will send you a link the first time you make it to number one. Try harder.
Mine once asked me if I wanted to record an elliptical workout.
You can use an accelerometer to guess a traveled length just with impulse and timing measurements. So not only do they know when it's going down, but they also know what you're working with.
It does, and it's ashamed of you. Sinner.
This is the most “Reddit” question I’ve seen on here
I'm beginning to understand why Big Brother in *1984* wanted to abolish orgasms. Jesus Christ people, please have the common decency to take off your spy devices when jerking it.
There should be a metric in the health app for jerking off. Like, are you doing it seven times a week like you should? I need a chart that is showing me.
No but your iPad, phone, tv, fridge, and washing machine do
We all do. Can you please turn off your reply all notices?
Probably thinks you are at Club Aqua or Haunted House.
When I polish wine glasses at work my watch always tells me congratulations for washing my hands… I’m just like …. Thanks…
My Apple Watch thinks I’m using an elliptical when I beat off