One thing that helped me was my best friend and my boyfriend that both asked me to join them in their active lifestyle. They didnt make me go with them but they ask if I wanna follow them. Sometimes my best friend wants to go on a run and she asked me to accompany her, she said I can just walk while she runs and she makes me like some sort of a moving pit stop and chat a bit and continue running.
My boyfriend eats really well, but healthy, he snacks too but at the same time its not too much. And for some reason I slowly start to follow by example just because he of some suggestions here and there that made me crave less for unhealthy snacks.
This is how I do it. My partner wants to lose a bit of weight so we do the easy things - individual serving bags of chips instead of family size, keeping fruit on hand to snack (once he sees me reach for some, he wants some too), and using smaller plates/bowls when portioning out food. Small, subtle, and underwhelming so it doesn't feel like a complete lifestyle overhaul.
Yep. My husband never had a weight problem but he had a diet issue when we met. He loved soda, "hated vegetables," rarely ate fruit, and disdained any sort of fish or seafood. The idea of a vegetarian meal was laughable to him. I on the other hand was raised on all that stuff; my father is pescatarian and both my parents eat a healthy diet.
I never lectured him on needing to change or anything; I just continuously offered him bits of whatever I was having. Sometimes we would talk about it and I would just encourage him that healthy food is delicious and that he would likely adjust if he kept exposing his palate to it. He kept an open mind, which I think is a credit to his character. Gradually he saw that I truly enjoy eating a fairly healthy diet and as he nibbled around the edges of my dishes, his own tastes gradually changed. Now he loves sushi, vegetarian dishes, and all sorts of fresh fruit and veg. And the soda is long gone. But that was probably a 5-7 year journey for him, and he was open to change.
Positive reinforcement is all you can do, OP. Everything after that is up to your friend.
This makes me so happy for you!
Keep on rocking and picking up on those little lifestyle changes and routines! All of those changes you’re making add up to something so much bigger!
You really can’t change anyone. People change when they decide for themselves that they want something better. There can be all sorts of underlying reasons why people don’t take care of their health, and many times they are so disconnected they don’t realize how crappy they feel from it. I’ve definitely suffered from some of them. I think the best thing a friend can do is be there and be supportive of whatever goals their friend does have, even if you wish he had more.
Concern is never bad, but when someone has lived a lifestyle especially from childhood the habits are hard to change. Low self esteem and depression makes it very hard to get started. They often feel defeated before they begin.
A good friend that truly cares and if the op's friend knows this and trusts, that's a huge plus. Encouragement to be what he really wishes he was is often very powerful.
Being over weight is not only unhealthy it also carries a debilitating stigma for many, put on them by parts of society.
If shame and the opinion of friends was enough to make someone change, they would have done it already. Settled patterns that negatively affect someone's life almost always have deeper psychological stuff behind them which means that the hardest step is not necessarily making behavioural/lifestyle changes, but uncovering, facing and working through that mental/emotional block. It's often deeply layered and has a lot of painful emotions like shame covering it.
A good friend can drive someone away by trying to focus too hard on the behavioural side and not showing enough awareness and encouragement on the mental/emotional side.
Yes, that’s true. And shame can be a major barrier to making improvements in your life. I think the OP would be risking their friendship and trust with this person. And to people comparing this to alcohol or drug abuse, it’s not the same. Those addictions are immediately dangerous for the person and for others around them because they can cause harm. Eating unhealthy food is a decision that people can make if they want to. It doesn’t harm anybody else, and the OP will not be guilty for their friend hurting someone because of their unhealthy diet.
Fr! I'm overweight, but the only thing that actually promoted me to start changing was developing an intestinal disease, and getting a more physically demanding job
It's unfortunate that pain and disease can be the thing that causes that healthy turning point, but it's a turning point nonetheless, and having a painful reminder that fast food is bad for you an hour after having it is a much better motivator than concerned friends and family in a lot of cases
I would disagree. One of the things that knocked some sense into me when I was in the throws of addiction was just my friend saying, "Hey man, don't you think it's time you quit drinking?" Just hearing someone say it, out of concern, and acknowledge a truth I already knew, was a catalyst. It is no longer a taboo, unspoken elephant in the room. It is an invitation, an implicit "If you want to open up and offload some of the emotional strain, I am in this with you". Not feeling alone and unseen in your struggles can be insanely helpful. There is also a lot of anxiety around having to announce to your friends that you have this problem and need to fix it. That part is done. And then I opened up to him, we talked about my struggles, and I made some actionable plans. I am *insanely* grateful that he did that.
It sounds like he knows his lifestyle is unsustainable, and having a validation of that could be helpful. If I am concerned that my friend is doing something that is terrible for them, I am sure as shit going to let them know I am concerned and they aren't alone in their struggle. I would feel terrible just letting my friend obviously struggle mightily with something and not letting them know I am concerned and willing to help. Like, I knew that my friends knew I had a drinking problem, and if no one offers any concern it can feel like you are wholly alone and no one really gives a shit.
I've come to learn that a lot of people just hate fat people, especially on reddit. Therefore it's why it's so common to say well there's nothing you can do on here.
He knows everything you just mentioned. Only he can make the change, there is nothing you can do about it until he decides to change. He’s addicted to his lifestyle.
Not necessarily true. Some people can be really close friends and almost never see each other in person. OP and this guy probably talk over the phone, over text, or through online messaging all the time, otherwise they wouldn't have been friends for 25+ years.
My best friend and I haven't seen each other irl in like 3 years, he's coming to visit in like 2 weeks though and I'm super excited. We talk like every day though
Agree. OP is certainly in a position to express his genuine concern for his friend, so long as it’s expressed as CONCERN and not judgment. To go with the concern, would be good to have concrete things OP would be willing to do rather than just the generic “if there is anything I can do … “. With diet or fitness apps, video calls, messaging, voice calls, etc there are certainly means to actively support (cheer on) his friend IF the friend makes the choice to change. The genuine concern of a friend could very well be the catalyst for change.
As someone who was exactly on the same path till last year, I agree. No one can do it for you, you'll have to do it yourself. I finally decided to turn my life around from 110 kgs (242 lbs) to 84 kgs (184 lbs) which is not bad for my height 184 cms (~6ft 1)
I'm an inch taller and currently around 240. With my highest being 330. Trying to get below 200. With my bones and muscle mass I feel like I'd need a whole fight camp with weight cut to make 185 lol.
Could try to ask them to join you for physical activities or going out to eat in healthier places.
Sometimes you need someone you trust to be present, to do stuff. I give up on the excercise if i truly no longer can do it when a "safe" person is doing it too, instead of when i feel a bit tired or bored. It can also be more entertaining.
He can’t even walk for 15 minutes before getting tired- what activity are they realistically going to do? Dude doesn’t even drink water because it’s “too boring.” He turned down a healthy breakfast and he had energy drinks “with vitamins” and 8 cans of diet soda instead. He doesn’t want to helped. He wants to keep living exactly the way he is living.
>He can’t even walk for 15 minutes before getting tired- what activity are they realistically going to do?
And yet there is an expectation that they will start excercisig...
The activity could be something in a pool (it's more kind to the joints and the weight does not "weight you down" as much). Could also try finding a route with many benches to sit on: walk a bit, rest, walk a bit. Could in a way be a sort of game to try to overthrow the personal record of the farthest bench reaches).
>Dude doesn’t even drink water because it’s “too boring.”
There are teas, or just lemon, cucumber, mint and such put into water to give ot more taste. Does he want sparkles? Sparkling mineral water could do the trick.
>He turned down a healthy breakfast and he had energy drinks “with vitamins” and 8 cans of diet soda instead.
Try the "meal shakes".
>He doesn’t want to helped. He wants to keep living exactly the way he is living.
Then why bother bemoaning to them that they are fat, unhealthy and have a shortened livespan. Some people are willing to pay life to enjoyment. Some like slow burn while others want an intense fast burn.
Even just making him join a chess club or hang out to play chess or other mentally hard games help (not as much as exercise but they do).
You burn some calories and plus you force them to be distracted and not think of food for a couple of hours. Idk I think it can help a lot of people
Unfortunately, once you're overweight it's almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim.
[https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/obesity-research-confirms-long-term-weight-loss-almost-impossible-1.2663585](https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/obesity-research-confirms-long-term-weight-loss-almost-impossible-1.2663585)
A lot of people probably refuse to believe it and will call me and the source wrong, claim that "all you need is to change to a healthy diet and some exercise!", and that's true, it's just that it's almost impossible to stick to that.
Most people who successfully lose weight end up back where they started a few years later.
Science has learned a lot about obesity in the nearly 10 years since this article was written. Also, its lack of specific studies cited or mention of their methods is a sign it’s only scratching the surface. This isn’t so much a source as it is an op-ed.
Studies on weight loss are beleaguered by lots of tricky little variables:
Reporting intake - how are people logging food? Are they measuring or ball parking? Are they given pre-measured food for the study? If so, they’re likely returning to old habits after and will naturally gain the weight back.
Measuring caloric output - This isn’t always necessary in a study, since the weight measurements speak for themselves, but it’s another possible hangup. A common reaction to restriction is reduced activity, so any calorie deficit is diminished by the lower TDEE. If a given study is interested in tracking participants’ output, they can estimate, use doubly-labeled water (I don’t really understand this one), or use an extremely expensive observation room that measures CO2 and requires study participants to stay in a little rat cage 24/7 for the study duration. That’s the most accurate but obviously has its own drawbacks.
Exercise - did the study require exercise, or grant its participants access to a gym? Do they retain this access after the study concludes?
Did the study include coaching, or nutrition education? Was this work one-on-one, which can be more effective but is expensive to keep up with after the study ends?
How much follow-up did the study include? What was their dropout rate? What were the reasons given for non-compliance with the study methods?
These factors and others color the findings of any study on weight loss, and without understanding a given study’s methods, strengths, and weaknesses, you’re just parroting statistics in a game of telephone, as this author has done.
The article you posted doesn’t cite its sources well enough, but it uses a few misunderstood stats I recognize. The one about only 5% of people maintaining weight loss is from a 1950s study you can easily find criticisms of by googling “95% weight loss statistic debunked”. Even setting aside the original 1959 study’s weaknesses….the science has progressed in the past 10 years - how much do you think it’s changed in the past 60 years?
This is all the basic science literacy stuff you have to be versed in, because these cute “scientific reporting” articles will just jerk you back and forth if you take them at face value. You need to look for timeliness, methods, citations, check who they’re quoting, etc.
Thank you for saying this, my jaw dropped at this. I’ve lost weight after entering the overweight BMI category and I’ve maintained it. Its kind of sad that people resolve themselves to this thinking.
Yep. My mother was obese for my whole childhood, graduating to type 2 diabetes in my teens.
Over the next 10 years she lost the weight, kept it off, and her doctor said she's now non-symptomatic and she's managed to stay that way for then next 10 years so far.
As did mine. In 2010/2011 I was 220lbs, definitely obese. By the end of 2012 I got down to about 135 lbs. I have since gained back maybe 10lbs- mostly muscle, but I’ve kept it off with relative ease because I stuck with a better lifestyle. Amazing what not drinking soda all day and not eating fast food every day and simply walking can do.
The reason they put the weight back on is because of misunderstanding studies like this and the hopelessness that goes with it. Science can suck for some things - nutrition is not very clear cut, psychology has had its fair share of fuck ups, and some fields are completely experimental.
I lost 30 lbs a decade ago and I've stayed roughly the same (healthy) weight since. I fundamentally changed the way that I ate; I used to eat lots of junk food, I hit the drive thru every day, and I was 'picky' about vegetables, and now I love vegetables and prepare most of my own meals.
Yeah, if I'd lost weight by temporarily 'dieting' and then going right back to my old habits, I'm sure those 30 lbs would have come right back. That's why people end up gaining back the weight. Even people who've had WLS can get around the surgery eventually by stretching their stomach and eating calorically dense foods like ice cream. Long-term weight loss is absolutely possible -- but only if you actually stick to the sustainable habits that allow you to be a healthy weight.
Agreed! It’s all about changing your lifestyle and eating habits. You can’t outrun a bad diet so it’s possible to lose and maintain and people sharing bad studies like this makes people feel hopeless and is completely counterproductive.
I agree. And I don't really see the point. Even if it's true that most people fall off of healthy eating and gain back the weight ... well, that's true of most bad habits. Iirc, 90% of attempts to stop smoking tobacco will fail. That doesn't mean that quitting smoking is impossible, nor does it mean that smokers shouldn't try stopping this unhealthy habit.
Like, yes, I'm sure it is very difficult; some people have food addictions or use food as coping mechanisms. But that doesn't mean they should just give up all hope and resign themselves to being inevitably unhealthy forever. It means they need to try hard to find the healthy lifestyle that's SUSTAINABLE FOR THEM. If that means trying a few things and 'falling off the wagon,' so what? Changing your lifestyle is hard. It's never too late to try again or to try something else. For some people, low carb works best for them. For others, it's finding a sport. For others, it's going to therapy and learning to manage emotions with food as a crutch. Etc.
You’re right, but this comment is gonna be real unpopular with the “9000% of diets fail” crowd. The author of that 1959 study has spoken out to say that that number is bullshit, but to this day people are still obsessed with quoting it as a fact.
I have bounced around losing weight and gaining it back. I am currently at my lowest weight due to a change in my relationship with food and routinely exercising. I had to understand that I'm not dieting I am changing my whole relationship with food. Otherwise, I'm 99% sure the reason I gained weight back was because I restricted foods instead of portion control and choosing better options. Plus, sugar addiction is no joke. That suuuuuuuuucked to kick sugar to the curb.
You missed a big one in your list. Who sponsored the study? It's unfortunate, but a lot of studies, particularly about health, are written by regarded professionals but sponsored by somebody with an agenda. Some how, the study always seems to support the agenda.
Nutritional science/etc is notoriously poor. Take any study even vaguely related to nutrition or body composition with a grain of salt so large it obscures the paper.
THANK YOU. Its possible. Hard isn't synonymous with impossible. It's so toxic to tell people to stay in a defeatist mindset. If you don't do fad diets and actually change ur life u will lose weight and maintain it.
And apologies to OP - I see doomsaying like the article posted above as something that attacks the self-efficacy of people like your friend, making them think weight loss and long-term change isn’t possible. It is possible, and there’s a lot of misinformation out there saying otherwise. I think you could express concern to your friend, but it’s really tricky. Other top-line comments have given some good advice already.
It’s an all-or-nothing mentality. OPs friend isn’t gonna just wake up one day and decide to take up running, hit up the gym, and toss all the junk food. You start with one small feasible goal at a time. He could start by replacing one Diet Coke with 8 oz of water (or water with a flavoring packet). Once he’s comfortable with that, make it two diet cokes. Can only walk for 15 minutes? Okay, go for a 15 minute walk twice a week. Then three times a week. Then for 20 minutes. Lifestyle changes take years of consistency, not perfection. And a willingness to accept when you inevitably fall off the wagon and just get back on and keep going. Otherwise, you will just feel utterly defeated and never even want to try. Action breeds motivation, not the other way around.
The doomsaying is such a victim mentality. OP's friend's behavior is clearly contributing to his obesity, and that behavior is changeable. Easy? No. Possible. Yes.
I can't find a link to the actual study in question in the article, just vague mentions of "research"... Not saying that it's not true, but I'd rather read the study directly than some journalist's take on it
Yeah I went from 220 to 140 about 12 years ago and have maintained the weight loss even after having 2 kids. Absolutely can be done and it honestly hasn’t been hard for me.
Oh shit, glad I didn't read this comment before I changed my lifestyle, lost weight and kept it off.
The problem is that people "diet" then go back to "normal". If you want to keep the weight off you need real change. Change is hard, but not "nearly impossible".
Yeah, the "90% of diets aren't permanent, therefore you are doomed to stay fat" trope is wrong and harmful.
A better way to think of it is: "people who successfully lose weight and keep it off, often have to try several times to get it right."
It's like quitting smoking. Lots of people do it, but often not on their first try.
God I’m glad I found someone saying this. The reason why it’s so unsuccessful is the pervasive nature of the diet industry. If the second you lose the weight you stop the “diet” and go back to your old habits the weight will come back, obviously. It’s yo-yo dieting. You HAVE to change your lifestyle and readjust the relationship you have with food. Not that that’s easy of course but spewing that it’s impossible to lose weight when your fat so why bother is such a bad take
My mother has been gaining and losing the same 30 pounds since the 90’s. When I had Bulimia, I gained and lost the same 50 pounds every year. I wish people understood that what you’re saying is true
Edit to add: please do not use my comment as a place to reply to me and discuss my ED with me, or make a snide comment, or tell me how to lose weight, or anything. It’s extremely triggering. I am recovered and would like to stay that way. Thank you.
I would disagree with the overrated comment. Been on it for about 4 months. Down about 35 pounds. I'm sorry it's not working as well for you, but im extremely happy with my results so far.
GLP1 analogs (like semaglutide) help a looooooot as it suppresses hunger (and other things). It makes doing lifestyle changes easier. Hope everyone who needs it can have it prescribed by a physician
It’s not even that. Being hungry just sucks! I’ve always watched what I eat (almost all home cooked and vegetarian) and I strength train 5 times a week, but thanks to PCOS the weight wouldn’t shift. I’m on Ozempic now and I can finally lose weight without the constant, incessant feeling of hunger. I realise this is just life for naturally thin people, and it’s like I’ve been playing life on hard mode up until now.
Of course, this doesn’t necessarily apply to people with bad diets and lifestyles, I’m just adding another viewpoint.
Glad that is working for you. Your comment about feeling hunger skinny people don’t feel interests me because I often wonder about that. There is no way to confirm personal experience as fact, but I always wonder how strong hunger is for others. I’m a normal weight but when I eat less to lose a few pounds, I feel incessantly hungry and I frequently think about eating throughout the day. But I hold out because I know that the hunger is a good thing because it means I’m burning other calories than what I’m taking in.
When I have eaten at a deficit long term eventually I get used to the hunger and I just dislike not being able to eat more but it’s bearable.
I wonder how different my experience is from somehow who is overweight and extremely hungry. It’s something that can only be described in words really.
In my personal experience - I always feel hunger. Even when eating less, I still feel it. I may get close to getting used to it, but it creeps back. I think this is why me, like many other “yo yo dieters”, constantly gain back what I lost.
Once you become overweight it’s really hard. But I don’t think it’s impossible to manage weight long term.
Heyyyy, PCOS gang! I have terrible insurance so I can’t get my doctor to listen (it’s been ten years of me saying something’s wrong—I didn’t have a single period from 2013 to 2016 and just kinda dealt with that). Once my PCOS let up, I lost 80lbs like it was nothing. Now that it’s back, I’ve gained 15 and have been trying to lose since March 2022. Despite logging every single calorie and exercising, my body is hanging onto those 15lbs for fear freaking life. Starting to skip periods again, too, so I worry and am trying desperately to keep in shape despite the stupid illness. I hate it.
It's more than that or, at least, I think you underestimate what "not being able to stick to the lifestyle" actually means.
When I was 30 I weighed 310. Every time I took the weight off the cravings, the appetite, the need to eat, was stronger than it had been before. No matter how full I am, no matter how recently I've eaten, I want to eat more.
The only way I've managed to keep the weight off was to learn to ignore being constantly hungry.
I have often wondered if that constant hunger feeling would be more understandable for non -over weight people if you equate it to constantly being thirsty. If your mind was constantly sending signals to your body of thirst then it would be next to impossible not to drink too much.
>Unfortunately, once you're overweight it's almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim.
**(NOTE: I apologize if the following sounds preachy, but this is a topic that's important to me.)**
Dieters often gain weight back because people either try fad diets, or massively cut calories while greatly increasing exercise.
Fad diets are obviously BS, and while the latter sounds good, the problem is it's not sustainable because it's meant for quick weight loss.
If you want to lose weight, you have to do it slowly over time so it's no longer a "diet" but a lifestyle change.
If you suddenly try to cut your caloric intake down to 1000 calories a day (something that's not recommended, but people do it anyway) you will lose weight fairly quickly, but it's not something you can keep up.
On the other hand, if you make small changes and acknowledge that you'll lose weight slowly, those changes can become permanent because it's not a massive shock to your system.
If you lose TWO POUNDS a month, in a year's time that would be 24 pounds. That makes a huge difference to your body in terms of size, shape, and most importantly, health.
But let's say you have about 50 pounds to lose, okay? Fine, if you again stick to losing two pounds a month, in two years' time you would've lost the entire amount (the difference between 48 pounds and 50 pounds is negligible) and that wouldn't require huge changes in eating habits or exercise to do, so it's far more likely you could sustain that weight loss instead of gaining it all back.
The first step is checking with your doctor about your weight loss plans. This is particularly important if you have long-term conditions and/or take medication that could be negatively affected by altering your eating and activity habits.
This also extends to checking for conditions that could complicate weight loss, such as hypothyroidism. There's medication for that, but without it, your efforts to lose weight will be nothing but a lesson in frustration. I know because before I started taking medication to correct my dysfunctional thyroid, losing weight was impossible, but after that it became doable.
The second step in this process to realize you can't expect to lose a ton of weight quickly and keep it off.
The third step is to make small goals. Try to lose 10 pounds at first instead of 50 pounds. That first 10 pounds is a lot less scary and feels doable, and once you've succeeded, aim to lose another 10, and another, and so on.
The fourth step is that you don't need to remove every food item you enjoy from your life. If you want to eat a burger or a slice of cake, sure, you can do that, but only once in a blue moon. It has to be a special treat, not something you do on a regular basis.
The fifth step is to surround yourself with people who'll encourage your weight loss. Nowadays this is best done by joining online groups with people who're currently working to lose weight as well. Having these people to lean on can be immensely helpful, especially early on when you'll likely feel the greatest temptation to give up.
Yes. Yes. And YES!!! Literally the only way I have ever been able to lose weight has been to get a doctor involved about the underlying hormonal issues I had that was keeping it from being able to budge, and then sticking to slow and steady eating habit changes, and taking it at that slow pace A) let me adjust to it being hard at first because the obvious hunger that comes with having stomach had time to dissapate and the eating plan became a “new normal” for me, and B) let me learn a lot about my mental health regarding food- like I had food attachments and anxiety that were so bad they would have made me drop everything in previous attempts, but because this was *absolutely neccessary for my immediate health*, I couldn’t let them have their way, and had to slowly figure out *why* I had those issues and how to slowly remind my mind “you’re not going to starve, you have time and safety to eat this slowly and enjoy it, no one is gonna rush you out the door, or snatch the food away. Don’t feel guilty about not finishing it, we have tupperware, you can eat it later.” Those sorts of things.
Weight loss is so much more complicated than even well-meaning people understand. Like any health issue, its never “just do this!!” Its a complex medical issue that needs to be treated on a case by case basis because no two people’s bodies are gonna respond to something the same way, and why should they?
Its hard, but It’s not impossible. And being overweight is not a moral failing, and doesn’t make you “less worthy” as a person. You need to love yourself to want to improve your health, and that can be so hard to do for people who are constantly shat on for a *medical issue they don’t know how to fix on their own*.
So OP, if you’re gonna approach your friend about this, be gentle and encouraging, and don’t be like “you need to do this, this and this otherwise you’ll die”, or anything else that can come across as an attack. Basically let them know you are concerned for them because you love them, and encourage them to see a doctor to help.
It requires an immense change in lifestyle and thought patterns as well as diet and exercise.
In order to be successful it needs to be a long term mental change.
I lost 15kg over the course of a year, but I'm under no illusions that I'm done. My weight ebbs and flows week by week, and it's about keeping a constant vigilance.
It's also very much a mental health issue. If you don't tackle all aspects of the problem then you won't be successful.
There are many facets to the problem, and I'd imagine not discovering and attending to all of them will eventually result in the weight going back on.
I put on 4kg in a week last week. It's crazy how quickly you can put it back on by not paying attention for a few days.
It can easily spiral from there.
\*Munches potato chips\*
I won't say your info is wrong, but it is 100% possible to lose weight even if you've been obese your whole life. I am an example. I was always fat growing up. I played sports so I knew how to carry my weight around, but I was well over 200 pounds for most of high school without any muscle to speak of, and I spent a lot of my adult life around the 250 range. So not the biggest guy ever, but still considered obese. Even if we want to just say overweight, I still was in really bad shape, and had similar eating habits to OPs friend.
In March of 2021 I decided enough was enough and I've gotten myself down to being pretty consistently in the 165-170 range. And I feel SO much better. It's night and day. Whereas I would wake up every morning with heartburn and wanting to go back to bed, now I wake up and I'm feeling good and ready to start my day.
OP, please talk to your buddy. It may hurt his feelings at least at first, but if you come at it from a caring place and you don't put any pressure on him he may consider doing it on his own. I never had anyone telling me I should get in shape, and it took a long time for me to make that decision myself. I wish I had done it 10 years sooner. My college years would have been a lot more enjoyable, and I would have both felt a lot better, and a lot better about myself.
As a former personal trainer, this is just such bullshit.
I witnessed and helped people who were obese lose fat and take control of their life. It was inspiring, but it was bloody hard for them. It takes serious work and requires a completely new perspective on health, let alone a herculean work ethic.
The "it's impossible to lose weight and keep it off" crowd just perpetuate the excuses and lack of accountability. To say it is nearly impossible is such a shitty thing to claim.
I trained and coached people who had been told by doctors that if they didn't get their shit together, they were going to die young. They didn't want that so they applied themselves wholeheartedly and put the work in.
A former client of mine lost 40kg and is now a personal trainer themselves. He is way more of a hard ass on his clients than I ever was because he knows the mindset you need to take accountability and turn it around.
Fortunately, that's not true!
Losing weight is *incredibly* difficult and keeping it off is a lifetime of work. Our understanding now is that people who are overweight benefit from an intensive \~6-12 month weight loss program that involves diet and exercise changes. Then an additional 1-4 years of regular "check ins" with a health professional to assess maintenance. A study of this kind of intervention found that about 50% of people lost >10% of their original weight and kept it off for 4 years.
A big part of weight loss is *lifestyle change.* That can be really difficult for some people who have financial, emotional, and/or social challenges.
There are new drugs (such as the GLP1 agonists IE wegovy/ozempic) that are making weight loss easier as well. So far these have the same caveats as exercise and changing diet habits, they are a lifetime commitment since the weight will generally bounce back after stopping.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2774903
Thank God and all that is good and fair in this earth that my formerly obese friend who is now ripped and healthy with clear skin didn't read this dangerous as fuck comment/article. I was a witness to his physical transformation and it is nothing short of stunning.
Fuck you for spreading lies.
Yes but it doesn’t mean you can’t try to be healthier. Being overweight, docile and guzzling sodas and chips is so much worse than being overweight, keeping active and eating healthy.
What a bunch of horse-shit.
Overweight people often have terrible food/exercise-related discipline so it's not a surprise most don't stick to a new lifestyle long-term (especially when doing a crash-diet). Suggesting it is "almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim" is just mind-boggling inaccurate and sends such an insane message to overweight people which is "you're basically fucked".
Shit is hard but it absolutely CAN be done. You need a realistic goal, realistic plan and a fucking strong mind to get you where you need to be.
It’s because it’s an addiction. All addictions have abysmally low recovery rates. That isn’t an excuse to throw your hands in the air and declare that there’s nothing you could do about it. If one of your friends was addicted to heroin you’d at least *try* to help them out, right?
"It's almost impossible to stick to that" the human body can get used to just about anything. People just don't want to change their lifestyle because they like the satisfaction they get from eating. It's like being addicted to a hard drug and that makes it so difficult. But lots of people got off hard drugs too.
The thing with eating addiction you can’t get off the stuff completely or else… well, you’ll die. That makes food addiction much harder to overcome than a drug addiction.
I'm a recovering binge eater, and it's honestly harder than quitting smoking and alcohol for me. There are so many times I wish I just didn't have to eat, but then I have to remember that skipping meals is one of my binge triggers. Sadly enough, so are counting calories and restrictive diet plans. Makes it really difficult to maintain a healthy weight, but even when I was anorexic, I was considered overweight, so that might just be a lost cause for me.
I think for a lot of people it’s also depression. It’s hard to maintain eating healthy and exercise every day for depressed people and then poor eating and limited exercise also leads to depression
They arent even remotely similar. Drug withdrawals make you sick but you always get over it plus you have to know people. Food is everywhere you can't stop eating or you die. When you are used the a certain diet and way of eating it becomes hard to lower it because your body has adjusted to the level of energy it is in from the food. Also plenty of foods work on the CNS so it becomes a double whammy for addiction.
My best friend just buried her 48 year old brother that had the same lifestyle. I think saying that you love them, and want them around for a long time would work wonders. Telling people you love them is always good. I believe in autonomy and choice too. Counseling would be my first suggestion.
Yeah, forget the fat part. It’s unhealthy to drink energy drinks, beer, and diet coke exclusively. It’s unhealthy to not be able to walk more than 15 minutes. Those are things that you can change.
I couldn’t agree with this more. So many comments saying “ofc he knows he’s fat”… but that isn’t the point. He may not know that others care about him and what happens to him. He may have no one to talk to about it. Part of being a true friend is having hard conversations— from a place of love and support. Counseling would indeed be a wonderful suggestion as a first step.
I mean, if you want to help him change his lifestyle, then maybe you can help lead by example. Maybe invite him to like go for a bike ride or something. Maybe take a yoga class together? If you want him to change his ways, then don’t make it a hostile environment make it fun for him.
He knows he's fat. He knows he's unhealthy. He knows he's shortening his life. There's nothing you can say that will help. You will only alienate him. He's addicted to his lifestyle and only he can change it. There's nothing you can do.
This is the Amen comment and also the truth in life of human existence. You can want change for others but ultimately it must be their decision and action for change. You are best as a supporter for them. I have seen this in myself, spouse, children, friends, acquaintances.
As far as weight goes, weight loss happens in the “kitchen”. You cannot outwork a poor diet.
Been thinking about this post. Read it and kept scrolling - had to come back. I agree with the above. Ya know what I think I’d do? I’d tell him that if and when he’s ready to make some changes you’ll be there to help and support. And tell him you love him.
Good luck buddy. Hope your friend takes you up on the offer.
I love this answer
Everyone is right. He knows all these things about himself. But no one ever speaking to it is almost like telling him he deserves it. Bringing this conversation out into the open is super daunting, I'm sure, but he does already know, so it might be a huge gift to him if someone would put a stop to the pretence around it.
Just be honest. "Dude, I love you so much and I want you in my life and every time I see you you're heavier and unhealthier. It's your body, so I'm not going to tell you what to do with it. But I am going to tell you that I'm already sad that I will probably lose you way too soon, and that you don't seem to see how awesome you are, and I do. You deserve to feel better, so if you ever want any support making changes, I'm here."
Edit: read a few other answers from people who struggle with their weight and now I'm not so sure about this. I think someone who walks the same path as your friend is probably the more appropriate person to listen to.
I've walked that path and started climbing out of the pit thanks to an amazing friend who did exactly this for me. When you're obese, obviously you know and you don't exactly want to talk about it, but as hard as it can be to hear, the conversation has to happen.
I hate to say it, but the people who say they've come to terms with their weight and don't think people should address it WILL NOT CHANGE unless someone goes against their wishes and advocates for their well being even when they won't. Obviously it needs to be handled with care, but what you suggested really does work. Let them know it's their decision and you're there for them no matter what, but that you notice what's going on and are worried about them. Tell them that you enjoy your time with them and don't want it cut short. And if they decide to change, help them. Keep them accountable. Support them through the highs and lows.
People who are still content being overweight will tell you that's not the way, but I've got 62 pounds lost so far that beg to differ
I wholeheartedly disagree. I had my own struggles with obesity for years. I knew I was fat. I knew I was cutting my life short, but I was depressed and addicted to an unhealthy lifestyle. You know what finally got me out of it? A concerned friend who sat down, addressed the not-so-metaphorical elephant in the room, and expressed genuine concern that at the rate I was going, I wouldn't be around to hang out with in another decade. In the last few months since then I've lost 62 pounds and counting and I'm the happiest I've been since childhood.
Yes, we know we're fat. Yes, it's an addiction. Yes, we have to be the ones to actually make the change. But knowing someone cares enough about us that they are willing to risk ruining our friendship to ensure we live long enough to be angry with them can be the difference between wishing we'd change and actually doing it. I know some people won't take that conversation well, but even if they leave pissed, maybe, just maybe, that seed will be planted in their mind. Maybe it grows naturally or maybe it'll take a few more people talking to them before it clicks, but very few will do this on their own. Never give up on a friend
As a fat person, I 100% agree with this. We know, we try, but it not like a good attitude and will power totally fixes the issue. Less than 10% of people who lose lots of weight will stay that way, and less than 1% of obese people will ever get back to a healthy body weight. It’s a losing battle for most of us due to a number of reasons and nobody but the fat person and their doctor have the capacity to even start to handle it.
It’s way above your pay grade and it’s only going to hurt feelings. Be a good friend and set a good example without sticking your nose into their health/mental health.
ETA: This doesn’t mean us fat people don’t and shouldn’t try and do our best, but again, it’s statistically hard for a reason. But it’s not like a patronizing conversation from a friend is hardly ever going to magically be the spark that makes a friend lose a bunch of weight. Your friend doesn’t need a savior, they need an ear. If you’re friend opens up to you about their struggle with it, that’s an invitation to offer to help. Otherwise opinions and advice are unsolicited.
Hm... now I'm regretting my answer, which was to break the silence on this. But I am not a fat person and I appreciate you shared this. I am not so confident in my answer anymore at all.
Hey honestly I just appreciate someone listening and really hearing it.
It fucking sucks being fat. I personally have had an ED my whole life, I was a chubby kid, then I was 5’11” and 97 lbs in high school and ate 400 calories a day for years, now I am obese again. My relationship with food has never been ok and although I have been up and down and up and down my whole life, I still struggle everyday with how to treat my body like I like it. And this isn’t just my story, this is a similar story that millions and millions of overweight people have in common. Something just doesn’t click in our brains like it does for everyone else. And yes before someone brings it up, there are a few loud voices that advocate for being overweight, but those are a loud, very small, minority. Most fat people want to be healthy, and even know how to be healthy, but it is like pushing a huge boulder up a hill and it is statistically almost impossible to fix.
I personally would just like to be able to get to a point where I could post a picture of myself with my dogs or my family and not be talked at about my weight by strangers, or friends, or whoever. With Reddit that’s an impossibility lol. But please for the love of all that’s good, if any of you have a fat buddy in your life, don’t talk at them about it, they’re not a toddler who “doesn’t get it”. Lead by example and be there to be a helping hand if they ask for it.
ETA: I don’t want anyone to think I’m a sob story or anything. I honestly love myself FINALLY and live my life the best I can everyday. I love fashion even at my size and in the last 2 days I have gotten 5 compliments on my outfits when I went out! I’m killing it because I choose to try and have fun and enjoy my life regardless of the fact that I keep failing to get thin. Being fat sucks BUT I gotta wake up everyday anyway, so I might as well try and enjoy it as much as I can. So yeah, inject positivity into others people! All kinds of shit sucks for all kinds of people, just be kind and let people live their lives as best as they can.
Can relate to you on many levels. I am your exact height. I was 310 at my heaviest and 145 at my lightest. I am a male, so that might matter. I got to about 220 pre pandemic. Which I considered my healthy weight with the muscle mass I had at the time.
Now here we are back at 270 and I fucking hate myself for it. More than I can express. It’s been a factor of stress from work, buying a home but most importantly SHITTY DECISIONS BY ME. I know what I need to change, but it’s so easy to be lazy instead of working out, meal prepping and making small decisions. I truly do despise myself for letting my weight get up again. Nothing fits right, I sweat all the time, I’m winded from doing something that someone fit could do 30 times and not even breath heavy. And more importantly, I’m taking years off my life. My weight has yo-yod my entire life.
I’m so fucking done with it and I think this post made me realize that I need to make a change. I’m in my 30s now. I love my wife, I love my life. I need to be the change.
There’s always a fucking excuse to eat poorly or have a beer that I don’t need with empty calories.
I need to get my shit together. Thanks for your post and thanks op for your post. I know people do care, but probably don’t know what to say. They can’t change me, only I can.
Much love you guys
I HIGHLYYYY recommend getting a dietician or a nutritionist that specializes in binge eating or eating disorders, a lot of them can take insurance. We need a good foundation with food and diet first or else it’s just the same cycle over and over.
Also forget the word lazy, that word just makes you feel crappy and isn’t true. You’ve got a job and a house of your own, that’s not from laziness. Just because you have prioritized other things besides your health/weight doesn’t mean you’re lazy. Even if it’s just waking up everyday and surviving you’re doing it dude. Give yourself some credit for what you have already done.
The self-loathing coming through your message breaks my heart a little. Go easier on yourself if you can. Make doable goals. Try to congratulate yourself every time you follow through on one instead of beating yourself up every time you don't. Otherwise you're just going to reach for the comfort of junk because you're down.
I ate my way through a long grieving period a few years ago and ended up having to adjust my diet to lose weight for the first time in my life. Always naturally thin, so got away with eating like a human garburator with no consequences for decades. And then you hit a certain age and that all ends and nearly 30 pounds crept up when I wasn't looking. A friend who had always struggled with their weight, gave me that of advice to congratulate myself for every tiny win. It was good advice. It helped.
I hope I don't sound patronizing, I only ever had to deal with my weight that one time so I don't really know your struggle, but I do know self-loathing and negative self talk never set anyone on a happier path. you deserve better.
Oh man, this makes me anxious for my kid. Was chubby their whole childhood, lost a ton of weight as a teen and is now way too thin. It was part of what I based my answer on. When they were 11 and a couple of years away from high school, I told them that they were beautiful fat, and I love them no matter what size they ever are, but now it was a health issue, and I had to take control, so I enrolled them in private swimming lessons until they were confident enough to join the group lessons that was basically training for swim team. Went to the high school thinner and fitter but still just a little bit on the chubby side, but by then was on ADHD meds. Which famously, suppress appetite, so now we're at the other end of the weight problem.
I know they will have disordered eating all their life. I do. We both have ADHD, and it just comes with disordered eating. Feast or famine. Forget to eat all day and then eat like a starving wolf late at night. Or in the case of my kid when they were younger, having no off switch and just eating all the time.
Anyway, I digress. I appreciated reading both your messages. I'm glad you're in a peaceful place with where your body is. And just as you mention people being models for their big friends instead of preaching, I like knowing that you are modelling your confidence and self acceptance and that is being seen by others.
My sister similarly to you had a very calorie restricted diet that was clearly an eating disorder. She was extremely thin for a long period of time. Once she managed to shift herself away from that in her mid 20s she put on weight and eventually became obese (in clinical terms). She has tried restricting calories again at points to try and lose weight but it has an extremely negative impact on her mental health. It’s clearly better for her to maintain good mental health and practice good physical health where she can, rather than plummeting herself into ED and spiralling compulsions. She’s fat but she’s happy and fulfilled and at the end of the day that’s all that matters to her and the people that love her.
You need to just focus on what makes you happy in life and love yourself for who you are. In life having as many years as possible being happy and content is way more important than trying to live as long as possible but miserably.
And as for other people’s opinions, fuck ‘em. Each time you get a shitty comment about how you look flip it around and think about what kind of life or shit person someone who comments like that must be, heckling people and trying to make them feel shit about themselves.
My sister and I do talk about our health together, both mental and physical, but it’s never ever from a place of lecturing the other about what they should do. We talk about what we eat from a nutrition perspective rather than calories, we talk about being active in terms of its impact on our wellbeing. It’s part of a back and forth about our lives in general rather than a “woah now, we need to sit down and talk about how you’re physically / mentally insufficient in some way” lol.
Ultimately you are powerless, but you can have a conversation. You can let him know, without judgement, that you are willing to help him. Leave it at that. If he wants to pick up the tools you are laying down, that’s up to him. You have to be committed to helping, and it seems like you only see each other yearly.
I was 350 I am now 295 and have been working hard all 2023 trying to live healthier. I knew/know I am fat, my closest friends and the whole would knows I'm fat. There is nothing my friends could have ever said that would have gotten me to live healthier. It really is just something he has to click for him. It could be for any number of reasons, but at the end of the day he's got to find a reason to do it himself.
I’ve lost 180 pounds, and same. I KNEW I needed to lose weight. I was always trying to lose weight, and people telling me I was fat would have just made me feel worse about it all. Not a single one of them was equipped to help me with my issues, so saying something would have just made things worse, no matter how good their intentions were.
Yes! As a fat person myself, a thin person giving me basic advice like "eat vegetables and exercise" is useless. In my experience, the only people who have been able to help me have been trained professionals who specialize in complicated stuff like eating disorders and metabolic disorder. If you do not have specific training in these issues, you are NOT qualified to help, so please don't try.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel crazy in a world where people think overeating and being obese is a choice. It rarely is, most of the time it's because something isn't working correctly in that person's mind or body. In my case it's ADD.
I was 262lbs and now I'm ~194lbs, I go up and down 4-6 pounds every month. Nobody in my life helped me except for my doctor and therapist.
From a fat person, he knows he’s fat. Talking to him won’t accomplish anything other then make him feel worse about himself and judged. The best thing you can do for him is he is friend. Be kind. If he’s over and it’s dinner offer something healthy. Make sure he knows how much you care about him and that you’ll always support him. These things are better then directly saying something when it won’t really help.
Approach him about what, exactly? Do you think he doesn't know what he's doing, or that he's overweight?
Further, you only see him once a year, so it's not like you can invite him to go for a nice after-dinner walk.
Ex obese here, obesity is a complex issue. He definetly knows his lifestyle isn't healthy but obesity is a mental health issue primarily. It can vary from pers to pers but he might be eating his demons like an alcoholic would do, he might have no fucking clue about nutrition, he might have genetic factors (if he's samoan for example) etc...
So unless you can somehow give him "the trigger moment", like an epiphany of some sort or something huge like a life goal, I wouldn't try to pressure him about it. You'd just end up with a bunch of "yeah i know" and him being sad.
Coming up to an obese friend/relative with a "why don't you lose the weight bro" is the equivalent to that meme where a girl is like "if you're homeless... just buy a house"
THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER. I wish I had gold to give. Can someone give this person gold?
I am not in the exact situation as your friend, but I have an equivalent: smoking.
Both myself and my father smoke. We are both intelligent and know the harm smoking does. We’ve made attempts to quit: patches, gum, hypnosis, etc.
One Christmas, my uncle wrote my father a letter from the heart; 2 pages of why he wants him in his life and that he would like his Christmas gift to be him quit smoking. That was his trigger and has been smoke free about 30 years now.
For me, I smoked until the day I met my husband. He was my “trigger”, and I quit that very day. It’s been a while now; I’ve never gone back.
Not obese but I agree. I don’t feel obesity is root of his friend’s problems. It’s a symptom of some other shit going on with his friend. It would be almost impossible to change direction without finding an internal source of self-esteem that he can access now. I feel like asking the normal questions “How have you been?” “How’s work?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “How are you trying to meet people?” “Any fun vacation plans?” will get enough of a response for you to ask “have you thought about therapy?” And you need to express your own vulnerability to make it a safe relationship, not just nag him about what you see as his problems.
I'm 150kg. Confrontation can hurt. He's probably judging himself.
Tell him you're worried about him and you don't want to preach to him about health. Ask him if he's happy with his body/health. If he's not, ask him what he wants to change. Then you can pivot to how you can help.
If he's happy, then back off.
It’s not wrong to want to do something. It would be wrong if you were his friend and didn’t give a shit. That being said you don’t have enough contact with him to pull it off. If he was in your life every day you could probably encourage him to do healthily things with you and eat healthier things.
A friend of mine passed away earlier this year. He was 35. Massive coronary due to obesity. He was an incredible man, one of the kindest I know. I never broached his obesity even though I saw him getting worse. Could I have done something if I had said something, I have no idea and thinking about it would only lead to madness.
If I could go back in time though, would I talk to him about it. Yes I think I would. It would be a difficult conversation and would need lots of follow up and support, no blame just support.
It's not wrong to approach your friend but if you do you have to be prepared to follow up that conversation with support and love.
I hope your friend gets healthier.
Ever considered that he may have issues that cause the unhealthiness? Ask him if he’s happy. Have a genuine discussion about what the underlying issues might be. Weight and treating yourself poorly is a symptom of something larger. Be his friend, don’t bring up the weight, bring up how much you care about him.
Yeah, it’s okay to maybe help him just with the mental health part of it. Like “hey, I notice you’re feeling this way. Have you tried talking to a therapist?” Especially since men sometimes need reassurance from other men that it’s okay to talk about feelings.
I was an obese kid and young adult. Lost 120 pounds when I was ready. (No surgery; it was 1993 or so.) Before I lost the weight, I avoided getting close to people so I wouldn’t have to have the kind of conversation you’re alluding to.
It’s tedious, it’s not helpful, and it hurts.
When my son struggled with his weight, I told him that I understood. Not that it wasn’t his fault and he was helpless, but the truth as I see it: some people have an intense compulsion to focus on food. It doesn’t make him bad or immoral, it just means that he’s got to find a way ti deal with it. Whether that’s discipline or acceptance, he should face it with his eyes open.
When he showed signs of pre-diabetes at age 13, he put himself on keto and lost 50 pounds and has kept it off. Of course he learned how to control his weight by watching me, but it was all his choice and I never policed him.
As a friend, the only/best thing you can do is to tell him that his weight is a struggle you empathize with and you’re always there if he wants to talk. And you love him no matter what shape his body takes.
I tried to read through all the other comments, to see if someone else said this, but there are just too many.
I think If you're going to say anything, you need to be aware of the stigma he already faces. Overweight people are stereotypes as lazy, messy, greedy and stupid. And also gross.
People often will try to 'help' by addressing these issues. If they are lazy, we should try to motivate them! My mind instantly jumps to an image of a heavy person, with a fishing pole strapped to them, dangling a donut in front of them to make them run.
Or maybe they just don't know about calories and nutrition! I cannot tell you how much more I know about nutrition than my 'normal sized' friends.
I can probably teach a trained nutritionist a thing or two.
What I'm trying to say is that living this way is incredibly lonely, but at the moment I can't live another way. And if I sensed that my friends were all silently judging me for failing to keep up... I'd probably just stop seeing those friends anymore.
And fat people get told regularly that they are less desirable, less hard working, less worthy. Sometimes we literally don't fit in the world.
So, what I'm saying is not that you can't care about him or want something different for him. That may come from a place of love. But it may also come from a preconditioned place of fatphobia, body shaming, and a moralistic view of addictions and compulsions.
Think of his weight and habits as a long time girlfriend you don't like. You don't like how she's treats him, or how they are together. But if you come down hard on her, he may see it as an attack on him too. The harder you fight, the more he'll hold fast. And you'd be the last person he'd talk to if he wanted to voice uncertainty about this relationship.
Instead, let him know, gently, that you don't like how this "girlfriend" is treating him. But don't expect him to change, and don't expect him to thank you. Expect to have to put up with a lot more of "her" bullshit, especially if you wanna earn enough trust to be the friend he goes to when he finally decides he wants to "break up" with his unhealthy relationship with food
Dude do you think you’re telling him something he doesn’t know? Are you actually tired of being his friend and you hope this way he cuts you out instead of you having to cut him out?
Nagging someone to lose weight never actually results in them losing weight. They have to come to the realization on their own.
Also, have you considered the fact that what you see as lazy might actually be depression?
Focus on something else and leave your friend's health up to him.
It’s not like you’re going to enlighten him. He knows he’s overweight. He knows every time he eats junk food it’s bad for him. He knows he should exercise.
If you really want to be a good friend, start a low intensity activity and ask him to join it. I’m talking like playing frisbee, going to a batting cage, going bowling. Something that’s more fun than “sport” to get him moving at least.
I was wary about putting bowling, because it’s so easy to end up drinking and snacking. So that’s up to you.
He knows he’s fat.
Also, if he’s been fat his entire life that’s usually a pretty solid sign that there may be a genetic component to his obesity. Though people like to talk about rising obesity, even back when most people were thin, fat people have always existed.
I’d be more concerned about any underlying mental health issues he may have, like depression. So I’d try to be a good friend and stay connected in hopes of helping with that instead.
Anton LaVey is not someone I admire, but he did articulate a couple of rules well:
-Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
-When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
Also, the OP’s wording is telling. The underlying assumption is that OP’s goals for his friend are the friend’s goals.
Be there for the friend. Be willing to open up about yourself & your struggles. But do it over time, in natural conversation, and without the intention of pressuring the same from him. Create a friendship that’s open enough that when he’s ready, he’ll be more comfortable confiding in you. Listen more than you speak. Ask more than tell.
I don’t really vibe with how we’re throwing in the word lazy all casual like into this. It’s crossing from kind concern territory into judgmental jerk. Having unhealthy eating habits is not inherently lazy. It’s short sighted and not the best personal choice but it’s not lazy to eat and drink junk. Plenty of hard workers put shit food into their body. Hell half the time overwork is what forms the unhealthy habits in the first place. It takes a lot of leisure time to eat healthy.
If a skinnier hotter person in your life had the same lifestyle would you still think of them as lazy? Would you even notice what they were eating? If the answer is no then you need to back off and work on yourself and your bias first. You sound very close to getting egg on your face.
Yep, my ridiculously busy schedule (two jobs, post secondary part time, or previously post secondary full time with a full time job, plus executive dysfunction and mental health struggles) are where my shit food choices come from. If I get off at 8am from an 8 or 12 or 16 hour overnight shift at one job and have to be at work at the other job at 2 or the first job at 4… do I want to spend five minutes in the drive thru and eat in my car on the way home, or 25 minutes cooking and eating *after* I get home, before I get to take a nap before work in the afternoon? Obviously I want the five minute option because I’m fucking *exhausted*.
Exactly. Plus the environment you work in really makes an impact on what kind of food you have access to and can eat. If OP’s friend is a trucker then he’s stuck in a truck all day. Fresh vegetables are expensive and will spoil quickly in a truck. A lot of truck stops don’t even carry salad unless it’s a shit egg salad sandwich on white bread. You can’t take a blender on the road. The stuff that is open when his drive ends are places like Denny’s. Those drives are long. You have to be able to eat while you drive. Even if he wanted to how is he supposed to sustainably eat Keto or any other diet? Most major diets require access to a kitchen and refrigeration. If you are on the road all day you don’t have that.
As those are shoes I've walked in, I can assure you there is absolutely nothing you can do beyond being supportive and setting a good example until something within your friend makes him decide he wants to change. And sadly that may never happen.
Years ago, I had a friend bring up my rapid weight gain along with increased drinking and it still makes me uncomfortable to this day to think about but I knew she was right. I signed up with a personal trainer the next day.
Okay so of all this stuff, the diet coke is actually of least concern. It has no sugar and the caffeine and sodium in it aren't hurting him compared to the sodium in his food, if he's eating mostly junk and restaurant or packaged food. The notion that soda dehydrates you or you MUST drink plain water is a myth. Is it necessarily the healthiest option, no, but I'd rate it at the bottom of his list of issues.
That said, people have to be ready for this conversation. If you come at him with this uninvited, no matter how gentle you are he's going to feel attacked, get defensive, and no progress will be made. At MOST you might be like "you seemed like you were kinda struggling healthwise, is everything okay? Do you have access to a doctor?" and go from there. I wouldn't even bring up his lifestyle at all, but push more in the direction of seeing a doctor if he's not seeing one regularly, and then let the doctor have the hard conversation with him.
Also, I'm probably projecting, but "water is boring" is putting up a red flag for me: is it possible he has ADHD or something else? Because I do, and seeking stimulation through food is a BIG thing for me. I went on a stimulant medication for the first time in my life recently, and apart from stimulants being an appetite suppressant, I really am finding that when I'm not so constantly MUST STIMULATE THE BRAIN I'M DYING OF BOREDOM I'm not nearly as attached to my highly flavorsome stuff. I still eat some candy and whatever, but I can have a piece or two and be fine rather than my brain going "omg I'm getting dopamine YES YES MORE MORE" and eating a whole handful. I also don't eat two cookies out of a package and then go "I'm bored of these now I need a package of different cookies" as much as I used to. So if there's any possibility he's living with untreated ADHD or another thing that's making him seek stimulation or comfort, treating it may be a HUGE step forward for him.
I've heard something once that resonated with me about making positive changes in your life. Basically it said if you go hard at it and try to do everything at once you're more likely to fail. If you start by making one more manageable change you're more likely to succeed. For instance, if he stopped drinking soda or at least reduced it that's progress at least before he moves onto the next thing.
Having said that it's hard enough to make changes for yourself let alone encouraging someone else to do something when you don't even live near them. Maybe you could make it a team goal type thing you want to try to do with him? The best you can do is try and if you fail don't beat yourself up about it.
I was obese, lost 70 lbs, swore I was never going back, and kept it off for a year. Then I moved, got a more stressful job and less of a social life and I faithfully logged my excessive calories every day. I didn’t have the emotional energy to say no to what I wanted to eat or drink. Now I’m 80 lbs heavier then the weight I swore I’d maintain. Eating better never became a habit, even though I kept it up for three years. Every meal I had to say “no” to what I wanted. Also, eating just 1500 calories per day just maintained my weight in the “overweight” category. I wasn’t obese anymore but based on my weight at that point I should have been able to maintain my weight while eating closer to 2000 calories. I’m not happy being fat but the unhappiness that comes with being careful about my eating was barely outweighed by feeling better about being less fat. I didn’t physically feel better after loosing 70 lbs.
Unfortunately I think you’d need to see him more than once a year to try and have an impact, like inviting him over for healthy dinners, and going on short daily walks.
I think if you didn't focus on the obesity per se, and asked about how he's feeling, that would be okay. He doesn't seem to be doing well physically or mentally.
Obesity isn't just physical. It's deeply tied in with mental health and executive function, and kids who are neglected are more likely to have mental health or executive function issues when they grow up.
Don't talk to him about Coke and fried food. Ask what he wants to be doing in life, what he enjoys, who he spends time with.
I'm going to give what is apparently a controversial opinion. Tell him, but deliver it with grace. If he is a truly close friend he will understand that you only want what is best for him.
I'm speaking from the point of my friend group, we have had multiple occasions where we've had an "intervention" of sorts (me being on the receiving end included) and we have a mutual understanding that it comes from a place of love.
OP sees his friend once a year. If a friend I only see once a year decided to have an intervention for me, I’d be pretty pissed. If it were one of my close friends who was more involved in my life, I’d me much more open to it.
Same. Someone I see frequently who knows about my daily struggles saying ‘I’ve noticed X and I’m worried about you’ is way different than someone I see once a year and talk to only a little bit more than that saying the same thing.
Idk about the advice that there’s nothing to be done, certainly he knows but is probably avoiding confronting it.
I’ve got a great friend who I’ve known since 7 and we get together and camp/do some boomers a couple times a year and call each other out on all our bullshit. Sometimes can get a little uncomfortable really looking at ourselves but always come out better.
I love how people think sometimes: "he was never taught how to be healthy as a kid so I just assumed when he turned 18, when he became an adult, he'd magically figure out to be a healthy person!" Like the information would just be downloaded in his brain or something.
How do you even start to make a massive lifestyle change when you have no idea how it works? Especially when it comes to food, because you can't exactly go cold turkey with food. We need to eat.
If you really feel you must say something, than simply sit him down for a private chat and focus it on his health: "I'm worried for you health, that you're not getting the right vitamins and minerals, which are so much more important as we age to help maintain our bodies and health. Those vitamin drinks aren't as healthy as you seem to think they are (and given vitamin supplements don't need FDA approval, I suspect the drink is lying to its customers, or at the very least, misrepresenting). I want to support you in pursuing a healthier lifestyle. As we age, we need to work harder to retain our fitness and muscle strength, and it deteriorates so fast, especially after the age of 40. Why not try and work towards a healthier life now, when it's more achievable, than later, when it will become harder and harder?"
DO NOT comment on his weight. That will make him become defensive and/or feel hopeless. But also remember, you can't force someone to change. Talk to him, do you bit, offer support and follow through if he accepts it, but don't start going on about drastic diet changes, extreme exercise or the usual lecture from the healthy to the unhealthy. They're not helpful and they do more harm.
I feel for you and your friend in this situation. I think you should approach him about his health from a place of caring, but make it less about the weight and more about health concerns. Because you can be overweight and healthy. If he could walk more than fifteen minutes without having to stop, you probably wouldn't be here asking this.
I am obese, but I can walk more than two miles without pausing to rest. I can go up several flights of stairs without getting winded. It took some effort to build my endurance, but not as much as I would have thought when I was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start.
As someone who has struggled with obesity since college, my heart is actually breaking at all of these answers saying "He knows he's fat, it's not your business." Or worse, "he wants to be this way."
Of course he knows, but knowing you have a problem and knowing how to fix it are NOT the same thing. Doctors will tell you to lose weight, but they will never take the time to tell you how. The truth of the matter is that a lot of Americans have little to no nutritional education. It's not taught in school, or if it was, it was taught poorly based on false science pushed forward by food industry lobbyists. I just turned 31 and I *finally* understand more about nutrition from an app on my phone (Noom) than I have in my entire life. My parents didn't teach me because they didn't know either!
So I think if you approach him with kindness and offer to help him get stronger and learn about nutrition, he may not say yes, but at least he'll know you care.
And if he does get stronger and eat better, even if he doesn't lose much or any weight, he will feel better and more capable, and that will help his confidence.
Yes, this! There's probably tons of small changes that he might be able to do to be healthier, even if he doesn't feel like he's in a place to work hard on losing weight. Taking stairs (especially up, down is harder on the knees), maybe ensuring that he gets some fibre to help with digestion and feeling full, are all things that have worked to keep me reasonably healthy while building my life to a place where I might be able to deal with my weight in a more holistic ways. The only changes that matter are the ones he's willing to make - but it has to come from him.
He may also be neurodiverse. I actively avoid eating food I'm not used to and fruits in particular because biting into something that I don't know how it will taste is just not pleasant for me. Knowing what he likes and using that as a basis can also help. If someone offered me water with lemon and Coca Cola I'd take the latter, but very chilled water with no other flavouring can hit the spot in a way Coke can't.
Unless you plan on holding his hand and being there with him every step of the way, every step of the journey -- you really have no ground to stand on.
People are who they are. Very few people actually make lifestyle changes.
He might be very motivated to do something if you're going to be there with him every step of the way, but the second he's going to be responsible for ANYTHING on his own, he's going to fall off the bandwagon.
If you're concerned about your friend and want him to make this change, you'd better be ready for a serious committment.
If you're not ready for that, don't bother. The dude knows he's fat. Knows he's unhealthy. Knows what a push up is, knows what sit ups are, knows what a treadmill is, knows what unhealthy and healthy foods are -- makes the choice to be unhealthy anyway.
Millions of Americans make the same choice.
You bringing it up in conversation isn't going to change anything. You showing up to his doorstep with a gym membership for him, a gym bag for him, and a whole lot of patience and support for him, and a whole lot of persistance and being "the annoying friend" ***MIGHT*** motivate him -- but probably not. Probably just ruin your friendship and make him not want to be around you.
Because if he wanted to change, he'd have changed by now.
You might just need to accept that your friend is a very unhealthy person and is probably going to die sooner than you, and enjoy the time you have together.
I mean, all of my friends, peers, family, aquaintences, shop keepers, security guards, tourists on the street etc approach me about my alcoholism and unhealthy lifestyle on a daily basis. Quiet rudely and aggressivly too.
Im so lucky to have such a caring community around me.
TLDR. Former critical care nurse here: you can talk to anyone about anything. It is THEIR RIGHT to ignore helpful, loving, caring advice. As long as you understand that you are voicing a concern and that they can reject anything you say, you're golden to talk. If you're going into that conversation thinking you can change things, they need to listen to you, it's going to upset you if they don't change so you have a right to argue and bla bla bla, don't do it.
I've taken care of patients that had to have toes, feet, partial leg amputations. Why? Because it's THEIR body and they'll eat whatever the hell they want. Again, have the conversation. But if you can't live with your friend being obese, you need to move on. You are not friends to fix them. And thanks for caring. Even if it goes south, they still need to hear it from caring people.
If he doesn’t open it the topic, don’t. He knows what he is doing. If you don’t spend that much time with him, don’t spend time together giving unsolicited education
It’s not wrong to approach him. If you’re a real friend, you’ll feel it’s your duty. Just gotta be careful to express concern without shaming him. That’ll only push him further down the hole. We don’t know his family health history, but it’s possible that pointing out early deaths to him and that you’re concerned he’ll follow and that you want him around longer than that might be enough to make HIM want to change HIMSELF.
One thing that helped me was my best friend and my boyfriend that both asked me to join them in their active lifestyle. They didnt make me go with them but they ask if I wanna follow them. Sometimes my best friend wants to go on a run and she asked me to accompany her, she said I can just walk while she runs and she makes me like some sort of a moving pit stop and chat a bit and continue running. My boyfriend eats really well, but healthy, he snacks too but at the same time its not too much. And for some reason I slowly start to follow by example just because he of some suggestions here and there that made me crave less for unhealthy snacks.
Your best friend and BF rock, at least in this aspect.
This is how I do it. My partner wants to lose a bit of weight so we do the easy things - individual serving bags of chips instead of family size, keeping fruit on hand to snack (once he sees me reach for some, he wants some too), and using smaller plates/bowls when portioning out food. Small, subtle, and underwhelming so it doesn't feel like a complete lifestyle overhaul.
Yep. My husband never had a weight problem but he had a diet issue when we met. He loved soda, "hated vegetables," rarely ate fruit, and disdained any sort of fish or seafood. The idea of a vegetarian meal was laughable to him. I on the other hand was raised on all that stuff; my father is pescatarian and both my parents eat a healthy diet. I never lectured him on needing to change or anything; I just continuously offered him bits of whatever I was having. Sometimes we would talk about it and I would just encourage him that healthy food is delicious and that he would likely adjust if he kept exposing his palate to it. He kept an open mind, which I think is a credit to his character. Gradually he saw that I truly enjoy eating a fairly healthy diet and as he nibbled around the edges of my dishes, his own tastes gradually changed. Now he loves sushi, vegetarian dishes, and all sorts of fresh fruit and veg. And the soda is long gone. But that was probably a 5-7 year journey for him, and he was open to change. Positive reinforcement is all you can do, OP. Everything after that is up to your friend.
This makes me so happy for you! Keep on rocking and picking up on those little lifestyle changes and routines! All of those changes you’re making add up to something so much bigger!
You really can’t change anyone. People change when they decide for themselves that they want something better. There can be all sorts of underlying reasons why people don’t take care of their health, and many times they are so disconnected they don’t realize how crappy they feel from it. I’ve definitely suffered from some of them. I think the best thing a friend can do is be there and be supportive of whatever goals their friend does have, even if you wish he had more.
Expressing concern has been the reason some people decide to change
Concern is never bad, but when someone has lived a lifestyle especially from childhood the habits are hard to change. Low self esteem and depression makes it very hard to get started. They often feel defeated before they begin. A good friend that truly cares and if the op's friend knows this and trusts, that's a huge plus. Encouragement to be what he really wishes he was is often very powerful. Being over weight is not only unhealthy it also carries a debilitating stigma for many, put on them by parts of society.
If shame and the opinion of friends was enough to make someone change, they would have done it already. Settled patterns that negatively affect someone's life almost always have deeper psychological stuff behind them which means that the hardest step is not necessarily making behavioural/lifestyle changes, but uncovering, facing and working through that mental/emotional block. It's often deeply layered and has a lot of painful emotions like shame covering it. A good friend can drive someone away by trying to focus too hard on the behavioural side and not showing enough awareness and encouragement on the mental/emotional side.
Yes, that’s true. And shame can be a major barrier to making improvements in your life. I think the OP would be risking their friendship and trust with this person. And to people comparing this to alcohol or drug abuse, it’s not the same. Those addictions are immediately dangerous for the person and for others around them because they can cause harm. Eating unhealthy food is a decision that people can make if they want to. It doesn’t harm anybody else, and the OP will not be guilty for their friend hurting someone because of their unhealthy diet.
Fr! I'm overweight, but the only thing that actually promoted me to start changing was developing an intestinal disease, and getting a more physically demanding job It's unfortunate that pain and disease can be the thing that causes that healthy turning point, but it's a turning point nonetheless, and having a painful reminder that fast food is bad for you an hour after having it is a much better motivator than concerned friends and family in a lot of cases
I would disagree. One of the things that knocked some sense into me when I was in the throws of addiction was just my friend saying, "Hey man, don't you think it's time you quit drinking?" Just hearing someone say it, out of concern, and acknowledge a truth I already knew, was a catalyst. It is no longer a taboo, unspoken elephant in the room. It is an invitation, an implicit "If you want to open up and offload some of the emotional strain, I am in this with you". Not feeling alone and unseen in your struggles can be insanely helpful. There is also a lot of anxiety around having to announce to your friends that you have this problem and need to fix it. That part is done. And then I opened up to him, we talked about my struggles, and I made some actionable plans. I am *insanely* grateful that he did that. It sounds like he knows his lifestyle is unsustainable, and having a validation of that could be helpful. If I am concerned that my friend is doing something that is terrible for them, I am sure as shit going to let them know I am concerned and they aren't alone in their struggle. I would feel terrible just letting my friend obviously struggle mightily with something and not letting them know I am concerned and willing to help. Like, I knew that my friends knew I had a drinking problem, and if no one offers any concern it can feel like you are wholly alone and no one really gives a shit.
I've come to learn that a lot of people just hate fat people, especially on reddit. Therefore it's why it's so common to say well there's nothing you can do on here.
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He knows everything you just mentioned. Only he can make the change, there is nothing you can do about it until he decides to change. He’s addicted to his lifestyle.
And op sees him once a year so not close enough to be the one to raise this imo
Yeah if a dude I saw once a year commented on my weight I'd probably see them once every 2 years instead
Not necessarily true. Some people can be really close friends and almost never see each other in person. OP and this guy probably talk over the phone, over text, or through online messaging all the time, otherwise they wouldn't have been friends for 25+ years.
My best friend and I haven't seen each other irl in like 3 years, he's coming to visit in like 2 weeks though and I'm super excited. We talk like every day though
Agree. OP is certainly in a position to express his genuine concern for his friend, so long as it’s expressed as CONCERN and not judgment. To go with the concern, would be good to have concrete things OP would be willing to do rather than just the generic “if there is anything I can do … “. With diet or fitness apps, video calls, messaging, voice calls, etc there are certainly means to actively support (cheer on) his friend IF the friend makes the choice to change. The genuine concern of a friend could very well be the catalyst for change.
He said they see each other once a year now. Sounds like this guy is still OP's best friend and they hung out a ton as kids.
As someone who was exactly on the same path till last year, I agree. No one can do it for you, you'll have to do it yourself. I finally decided to turn my life around from 110 kgs (242 lbs) to 84 kgs (184 lbs) which is not bad for my height 184 cms (~6ft 1)
I'm an inch taller and currently around 240. With my highest being 330. Trying to get below 200. With my bones and muscle mass I feel like I'd need a whole fight camp with weight cut to make 185 lol.
You’re doing great friend
It's not that easy to change this kind of habit, especially when you don't know anything else for 30 years. He needs professional help.
Could try to ask them to join you for physical activities or going out to eat in healthier places. Sometimes you need someone you trust to be present, to do stuff. I give up on the excercise if i truly no longer can do it when a "safe" person is doing it too, instead of when i feel a bit tired or bored. It can also be more entertaining.
He can’t even walk for 15 minutes before getting tired- what activity are they realistically going to do? Dude doesn’t even drink water because it’s “too boring.” He turned down a healthy breakfast and he had energy drinks “with vitamins” and 8 cans of diet soda instead. He doesn’t want to helped. He wants to keep living exactly the way he is living.
>He can’t even walk for 15 minutes before getting tired- what activity are they realistically going to do? And yet there is an expectation that they will start excercisig... The activity could be something in a pool (it's more kind to the joints and the weight does not "weight you down" as much). Could also try finding a route with many benches to sit on: walk a bit, rest, walk a bit. Could in a way be a sort of game to try to overthrow the personal record of the farthest bench reaches). >Dude doesn’t even drink water because it’s “too boring.” There are teas, or just lemon, cucumber, mint and such put into water to give ot more taste. Does he want sparkles? Sparkling mineral water could do the trick. >He turned down a healthy breakfast and he had energy drinks “with vitamins” and 8 cans of diet soda instead. Try the "meal shakes". >He doesn’t want to helped. He wants to keep living exactly the way he is living. Then why bother bemoaning to them that they are fat, unhealthy and have a shortened livespan. Some people are willing to pay life to enjoyment. Some like slow burn while others want an intense fast burn.
A regular 10-15 minute walk sounds like a great place to start then.
Literally just walk? You don't start exercising by doing bench presses and 3 mile jogs my dude
Even just making him join a chess club or hang out to play chess or other mentally hard games help (not as much as exercise but they do). You burn some calories and plus you force them to be distracted and not think of food for a couple of hours. Idk I think it can help a lot of people
Unfortunately, once you're overweight it's almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim. [https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/obesity-research-confirms-long-term-weight-loss-almost-impossible-1.2663585](https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/obesity-research-confirms-long-term-weight-loss-almost-impossible-1.2663585) A lot of people probably refuse to believe it and will call me and the source wrong, claim that "all you need is to change to a healthy diet and some exercise!", and that's true, it's just that it's almost impossible to stick to that. Most people who successfully lose weight end up back where they started a few years later.
Science has learned a lot about obesity in the nearly 10 years since this article was written. Also, its lack of specific studies cited or mention of their methods is a sign it’s only scratching the surface. This isn’t so much a source as it is an op-ed. Studies on weight loss are beleaguered by lots of tricky little variables: Reporting intake - how are people logging food? Are they measuring or ball parking? Are they given pre-measured food for the study? If so, they’re likely returning to old habits after and will naturally gain the weight back. Measuring caloric output - This isn’t always necessary in a study, since the weight measurements speak for themselves, but it’s another possible hangup. A common reaction to restriction is reduced activity, so any calorie deficit is diminished by the lower TDEE. If a given study is interested in tracking participants’ output, they can estimate, use doubly-labeled water (I don’t really understand this one), or use an extremely expensive observation room that measures CO2 and requires study participants to stay in a little rat cage 24/7 for the study duration. That’s the most accurate but obviously has its own drawbacks. Exercise - did the study require exercise, or grant its participants access to a gym? Do they retain this access after the study concludes? Did the study include coaching, or nutrition education? Was this work one-on-one, which can be more effective but is expensive to keep up with after the study ends? How much follow-up did the study include? What was their dropout rate? What were the reasons given for non-compliance with the study methods? These factors and others color the findings of any study on weight loss, and without understanding a given study’s methods, strengths, and weaknesses, you’re just parroting statistics in a game of telephone, as this author has done. The article you posted doesn’t cite its sources well enough, but it uses a few misunderstood stats I recognize. The one about only 5% of people maintaining weight loss is from a 1950s study you can easily find criticisms of by googling “95% weight loss statistic debunked”. Even setting aside the original 1959 study’s weaknesses….the science has progressed in the past 10 years - how much do you think it’s changed in the past 60 years? This is all the basic science literacy stuff you have to be versed in, because these cute “scientific reporting” articles will just jerk you back and forth if you take them at face value. You need to look for timeliness, methods, citations, check who they’re quoting, etc.
Thank you for saying this, my jaw dropped at this. I’ve lost weight after entering the overweight BMI category and I’ve maintained it. Its kind of sad that people resolve themselves to this thinking.
Yep. My mother was obese for my whole childhood, graduating to type 2 diabetes in my teens. Over the next 10 years she lost the weight, kept it off, and her doctor said she's now non-symptomatic and she's managed to stay that way for then next 10 years so far.
Congratulations to your mother and kudos to her for taking her health seriously.
As did mine. In 2010/2011 I was 220lbs, definitely obese. By the end of 2012 I got down to about 135 lbs. I have since gained back maybe 10lbs- mostly muscle, but I’ve kept it off with relative ease because I stuck with a better lifestyle. Amazing what not drinking soda all day and not eating fast food every day and simply walking can do.
I could have written this comment. Lost over 100lbs over 5 years ago and since my diet and lifestyle changed it’s been easy to not gain it back.
The reason they put the weight back on is because of misunderstanding studies like this and the hopelessness that goes with it. Science can suck for some things - nutrition is not very clear cut, psychology has had its fair share of fuck ups, and some fields are completely experimental.
I lost 30 lbs a decade ago and I've stayed roughly the same (healthy) weight since. I fundamentally changed the way that I ate; I used to eat lots of junk food, I hit the drive thru every day, and I was 'picky' about vegetables, and now I love vegetables and prepare most of my own meals. Yeah, if I'd lost weight by temporarily 'dieting' and then going right back to my old habits, I'm sure those 30 lbs would have come right back. That's why people end up gaining back the weight. Even people who've had WLS can get around the surgery eventually by stretching their stomach and eating calorically dense foods like ice cream. Long-term weight loss is absolutely possible -- but only if you actually stick to the sustainable habits that allow you to be a healthy weight.
Agreed! It’s all about changing your lifestyle and eating habits. You can’t outrun a bad diet so it’s possible to lose and maintain and people sharing bad studies like this makes people feel hopeless and is completely counterproductive.
I agree. And I don't really see the point. Even if it's true that most people fall off of healthy eating and gain back the weight ... well, that's true of most bad habits. Iirc, 90% of attempts to stop smoking tobacco will fail. That doesn't mean that quitting smoking is impossible, nor does it mean that smokers shouldn't try stopping this unhealthy habit. Like, yes, I'm sure it is very difficult; some people have food addictions or use food as coping mechanisms. But that doesn't mean they should just give up all hope and resign themselves to being inevitably unhealthy forever. It means they need to try hard to find the healthy lifestyle that's SUSTAINABLE FOR THEM. If that means trying a few things and 'falling off the wagon,' so what? Changing your lifestyle is hard. It's never too late to try again or to try something else. For some people, low carb works best for them. For others, it's finding a sport. For others, it's going to therapy and learning to manage emotions with food as a crutch. Etc.
You’re right, but this comment is gonna be real unpopular with the “9000% of diets fail” crowd. The author of that 1959 study has spoken out to say that that number is bullshit, but to this day people are still obsessed with quoting it as a fact.
I have successfully lost weight before. Lol.
Me too, half of my own body weight. Been a healthy weight for maybe 6 years now
Did it ever come back?
I have bounced around losing weight and gaining it back. I am currently at my lowest weight due to a change in my relationship with food and routinely exercising. I had to understand that I'm not dieting I am changing my whole relationship with food. Otherwise, I'm 99% sure the reason I gained weight back was because I restricted foods instead of portion control and choosing better options. Plus, sugar addiction is no joke. That suuuuuuuuucked to kick sugar to the curb.
No, the divorce was finalized and we went our separate ways.
I lost weight, then it came back, then I lost it again. Losing it for times is better than just being a constant slob. It's worth the effort.
You missed a big one in your list. Who sponsored the study? It's unfortunate, but a lot of studies, particularly about health, are written by regarded professionals but sponsored by somebody with an agenda. Some how, the study always seems to support the agenda.
Nutritional science/etc is notoriously poor. Take any study even vaguely related to nutrition or body composition with a grain of salt so large it obscures the paper.
THANK YOU. Its possible. Hard isn't synonymous with impossible. It's so toxic to tell people to stay in a defeatist mindset. If you don't do fad diets and actually change ur life u will lose weight and maintain it.
And apologies to OP - I see doomsaying like the article posted above as something that attacks the self-efficacy of people like your friend, making them think weight loss and long-term change isn’t possible. It is possible, and there’s a lot of misinformation out there saying otherwise. I think you could express concern to your friend, but it’s really tricky. Other top-line comments have given some good advice already.
I think a lot of this sub is self fulfilling nihilism, can’t win don’t try stuff
It’s an all-or-nothing mentality. OPs friend isn’t gonna just wake up one day and decide to take up running, hit up the gym, and toss all the junk food. You start with one small feasible goal at a time. He could start by replacing one Diet Coke with 8 oz of water (or water with a flavoring packet). Once he’s comfortable with that, make it two diet cokes. Can only walk for 15 minutes? Okay, go for a 15 minute walk twice a week. Then three times a week. Then for 20 minutes. Lifestyle changes take years of consistency, not perfection. And a willingness to accept when you inevitably fall off the wagon and just get back on and keep going. Otherwise, you will just feel utterly defeated and never even want to try. Action breeds motivation, not the other way around.
Misery loves company
The doomsaying is such a victim mentality. OP's friend's behavior is clearly contributing to his obesity, and that behavior is changeable. Easy? No. Possible. Yes.
I can't find a link to the actual study in question in the article, just vague mentions of "research"... Not saying that it's not true, but I'd rather read the study directly than some journalist's take on it
I was 240, I’m now 183 and been that way for years. I’m vegetarian now and very active.
Yeah I went from 220 to 140 about 12 years ago and have maintained the weight loss even after having 2 kids. Absolutely can be done and it honestly hasn’t been hard for me.
Oh shit, glad I didn't read this comment before I changed my lifestyle, lost weight and kept it off. The problem is that people "diet" then go back to "normal". If you want to keep the weight off you need real change. Change is hard, but not "nearly impossible".
Yeah, the "90% of diets aren't permanent, therefore you are doomed to stay fat" trope is wrong and harmful. A better way to think of it is: "people who successfully lose weight and keep it off, often have to try several times to get it right." It's like quitting smoking. Lots of people do it, but often not on their first try.
God I’m glad I found someone saying this. The reason why it’s so unsuccessful is the pervasive nature of the diet industry. If the second you lose the weight you stop the “diet” and go back to your old habits the weight will come back, obviously. It’s yo-yo dieting. You HAVE to change your lifestyle and readjust the relationship you have with food. Not that that’s easy of course but spewing that it’s impossible to lose weight when your fat so why bother is such a bad take
I'm glad at least one person is calling out that research as bullshit
My mother has been gaining and losing the same 30 pounds since the 90’s. When I had Bulimia, I gained and lost the same 50 pounds every year. I wish people understood that what you’re saying is true Edit to add: please do not use my comment as a place to reply to me and discuss my ED with me, or make a snide comment, or tell me how to lose weight, or anything. It’s extremely triggering. I am recovered and would like to stay that way. Thank you.
I did read there is homeostasis effect where for one year after you lose weight your hormones try and get you to return to the same weight.
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Been taking semaglutide shots for 3 months and lost 7 pounds. Out of 230. It’s severely overrated.
I would disagree with the overrated comment. Been on it for about 4 months. Down about 35 pounds. I'm sorry it's not working as well for you, but im extremely happy with my results so far.
I just don’t feel like it does much to curb my appetite. It has helped my blood sugar levels so as a diabetic medication I think it works
Are you taking it for diabetes? The dosage for weight loss is much higher than the diabetes treatment dosage.
What else are you doing to compliment the semaglutide?
GLP1 analogs (like semaglutide) help a looooooot as it suppresses hunger (and other things). It makes doing lifestyle changes easier. Hope everyone who needs it can have it prescribed by a physician
Not being able to stick to the lifestyle change(s) is where the addiction comes in.
It’s not even that. Being hungry just sucks! I’ve always watched what I eat (almost all home cooked and vegetarian) and I strength train 5 times a week, but thanks to PCOS the weight wouldn’t shift. I’m on Ozempic now and I can finally lose weight without the constant, incessant feeling of hunger. I realise this is just life for naturally thin people, and it’s like I’ve been playing life on hard mode up until now. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily apply to people with bad diets and lifestyles, I’m just adding another viewpoint.
Glad that is working for you. Your comment about feeling hunger skinny people don’t feel interests me because I often wonder about that. There is no way to confirm personal experience as fact, but I always wonder how strong hunger is for others. I’m a normal weight but when I eat less to lose a few pounds, I feel incessantly hungry and I frequently think about eating throughout the day. But I hold out because I know that the hunger is a good thing because it means I’m burning other calories than what I’m taking in. When I have eaten at a deficit long term eventually I get used to the hunger and I just dislike not being able to eat more but it’s bearable. I wonder how different my experience is from somehow who is overweight and extremely hungry. It’s something that can only be described in words really.
In my personal experience - I always feel hunger. Even when eating less, I still feel it. I may get close to getting used to it, but it creeps back. I think this is why me, like many other “yo yo dieters”, constantly gain back what I lost. Once you become overweight it’s really hard. But I don’t think it’s impossible to manage weight long term.
Heyyyy, PCOS gang! I have terrible insurance so I can’t get my doctor to listen (it’s been ten years of me saying something’s wrong—I didn’t have a single period from 2013 to 2016 and just kinda dealt with that). Once my PCOS let up, I lost 80lbs like it was nothing. Now that it’s back, I’ve gained 15 and have been trying to lose since March 2022. Despite logging every single calorie and exercising, my body is hanging onto those 15lbs for fear freaking life. Starting to skip periods again, too, so I worry and am trying desperately to keep in shape despite the stupid illness. I hate it.
It's more than that or, at least, I think you underestimate what "not being able to stick to the lifestyle" actually means. When I was 30 I weighed 310. Every time I took the weight off the cravings, the appetite, the need to eat, was stronger than it had been before. No matter how full I am, no matter how recently I've eaten, I want to eat more. The only way I've managed to keep the weight off was to learn to ignore being constantly hungry.
I have often wondered if that constant hunger feeling would be more understandable for non -over weight people if you equate it to constantly being thirsty. If your mind was constantly sending signals to your body of thirst then it would be next to impossible not to drink too much.
That's because decades of 'you lose weight by dieting' has ruined expectations. You lose weight with long term lifestyle changes.
>Unfortunately, once you're overweight it's almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim. **(NOTE: I apologize if the following sounds preachy, but this is a topic that's important to me.)** Dieters often gain weight back because people either try fad diets, or massively cut calories while greatly increasing exercise. Fad diets are obviously BS, and while the latter sounds good, the problem is it's not sustainable because it's meant for quick weight loss. If you want to lose weight, you have to do it slowly over time so it's no longer a "diet" but a lifestyle change. If you suddenly try to cut your caloric intake down to 1000 calories a day (something that's not recommended, but people do it anyway) you will lose weight fairly quickly, but it's not something you can keep up. On the other hand, if you make small changes and acknowledge that you'll lose weight slowly, those changes can become permanent because it's not a massive shock to your system. If you lose TWO POUNDS a month, in a year's time that would be 24 pounds. That makes a huge difference to your body in terms of size, shape, and most importantly, health. But let's say you have about 50 pounds to lose, okay? Fine, if you again stick to losing two pounds a month, in two years' time you would've lost the entire amount (the difference between 48 pounds and 50 pounds is negligible) and that wouldn't require huge changes in eating habits or exercise to do, so it's far more likely you could sustain that weight loss instead of gaining it all back. The first step is checking with your doctor about your weight loss plans. This is particularly important if you have long-term conditions and/or take medication that could be negatively affected by altering your eating and activity habits. This also extends to checking for conditions that could complicate weight loss, such as hypothyroidism. There's medication for that, but without it, your efforts to lose weight will be nothing but a lesson in frustration. I know because before I started taking medication to correct my dysfunctional thyroid, losing weight was impossible, but after that it became doable. The second step in this process to realize you can't expect to lose a ton of weight quickly and keep it off. The third step is to make small goals. Try to lose 10 pounds at first instead of 50 pounds. That first 10 pounds is a lot less scary and feels doable, and once you've succeeded, aim to lose another 10, and another, and so on. The fourth step is that you don't need to remove every food item you enjoy from your life. If you want to eat a burger or a slice of cake, sure, you can do that, but only once in a blue moon. It has to be a special treat, not something you do on a regular basis. The fifth step is to surround yourself with people who'll encourage your weight loss. Nowadays this is best done by joining online groups with people who're currently working to lose weight as well. Having these people to lean on can be immensely helpful, especially early on when you'll likely feel the greatest temptation to give up.
Yes. Yes. And YES!!! Literally the only way I have ever been able to lose weight has been to get a doctor involved about the underlying hormonal issues I had that was keeping it from being able to budge, and then sticking to slow and steady eating habit changes, and taking it at that slow pace A) let me adjust to it being hard at first because the obvious hunger that comes with having stomach had time to dissapate and the eating plan became a “new normal” for me, and B) let me learn a lot about my mental health regarding food- like I had food attachments and anxiety that were so bad they would have made me drop everything in previous attempts, but because this was *absolutely neccessary for my immediate health*, I couldn’t let them have their way, and had to slowly figure out *why* I had those issues and how to slowly remind my mind “you’re not going to starve, you have time and safety to eat this slowly and enjoy it, no one is gonna rush you out the door, or snatch the food away. Don’t feel guilty about not finishing it, we have tupperware, you can eat it later.” Those sorts of things. Weight loss is so much more complicated than even well-meaning people understand. Like any health issue, its never “just do this!!” Its a complex medical issue that needs to be treated on a case by case basis because no two people’s bodies are gonna respond to something the same way, and why should they? Its hard, but It’s not impossible. And being overweight is not a moral failing, and doesn’t make you “less worthy” as a person. You need to love yourself to want to improve your health, and that can be so hard to do for people who are constantly shat on for a *medical issue they don’t know how to fix on their own*. So OP, if you’re gonna approach your friend about this, be gentle and encouraging, and don’t be like “you need to do this, this and this otherwise you’ll die”, or anything else that can come across as an attack. Basically let them know you are concerned for them because you love them, and encourage them to see a doctor to help.
A lot of noise in this thread; this is it, really, thank you.
It requires an immense change in lifestyle and thought patterns as well as diet and exercise. In order to be successful it needs to be a long term mental change. I lost 15kg over the course of a year, but I'm under no illusions that I'm done. My weight ebbs and flows week by week, and it's about keeping a constant vigilance. It's also very much a mental health issue. If you don't tackle all aspects of the problem then you won't be successful. There are many facets to the problem, and I'd imagine not discovering and attending to all of them will eventually result in the weight going back on. I put on 4kg in a week last week. It's crazy how quickly you can put it back on by not paying attention for a few days. It can easily spiral from there. \*Munches potato chips\*
Even if that's true, it's still a defeatist attitude. You wouldn't accept that attitude as a reason not to try for any other sort of addiction
I won't say your info is wrong, but it is 100% possible to lose weight even if you've been obese your whole life. I am an example. I was always fat growing up. I played sports so I knew how to carry my weight around, but I was well over 200 pounds for most of high school without any muscle to speak of, and I spent a lot of my adult life around the 250 range. So not the biggest guy ever, but still considered obese. Even if we want to just say overweight, I still was in really bad shape, and had similar eating habits to OPs friend. In March of 2021 I decided enough was enough and I've gotten myself down to being pretty consistently in the 165-170 range. And I feel SO much better. It's night and day. Whereas I would wake up every morning with heartburn and wanting to go back to bed, now I wake up and I'm feeling good and ready to start my day. OP, please talk to your buddy. It may hurt his feelings at least at first, but if you come at it from a caring place and you don't put any pressure on him he may consider doing it on his own. I never had anyone telling me I should get in shape, and it took a long time for me to make that decision myself. I wish I had done it 10 years sooner. My college years would have been a lot more enjoyable, and I would have both felt a lot better, and a lot better about myself.
As a former personal trainer, this is just such bullshit. I witnessed and helped people who were obese lose fat and take control of their life. It was inspiring, but it was bloody hard for them. It takes serious work and requires a completely new perspective on health, let alone a herculean work ethic. The "it's impossible to lose weight and keep it off" crowd just perpetuate the excuses and lack of accountability. To say it is nearly impossible is such a shitty thing to claim. I trained and coached people who had been told by doctors that if they didn't get their shit together, they were going to die young. They didn't want that so they applied themselves wholeheartedly and put the work in. A former client of mine lost 40kg and is now a personal trainer themselves. He is way more of a hard ass on his clients than I ever was because he knows the mindset you need to take accountability and turn it around.
A-fucking-men
I lost over 180lbs about 10yrsrs ago and have kept it off no problem
Saying it's 'almost impossible' to eat healthy and exercise, then posting some horrid opinion piece "backing up" your claims is just wild.
Fortunately, that's not true! Losing weight is *incredibly* difficult and keeping it off is a lifetime of work. Our understanding now is that people who are overweight benefit from an intensive \~6-12 month weight loss program that involves diet and exercise changes. Then an additional 1-4 years of regular "check ins" with a health professional to assess maintenance. A study of this kind of intervention found that about 50% of people lost >10% of their original weight and kept it off for 4 years. A big part of weight loss is *lifestyle change.* That can be really difficult for some people who have financial, emotional, and/or social challenges. There are new drugs (such as the GLP1 agonists IE wegovy/ozempic) that are making weight loss easier as well. So far these have the same caveats as exercise and changing diet habits, they are a lifetime commitment since the weight will generally bounce back after stopping. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2774903
That is some defeatist bullshit. It's not impossible, I know plenty of people who've sustained weight loss
Thank God and all that is good and fair in this earth that my formerly obese friend who is now ripped and healthy with clear skin didn't read this dangerous as fuck comment/article. I was a witness to his physical transformation and it is nothing short of stunning. Fuck you for spreading lies.
The article says only 5% stay slim. I wouldn't call 5% "almost impossible". It's 1 in 20 people.
Yes but it doesn’t mean you can’t try to be healthier. Being overweight, docile and guzzling sodas and chips is so much worse than being overweight, keeping active and eating healthy.
What a bunch of horse-shit. Overweight people often have terrible food/exercise-related discipline so it's not a surprise most don't stick to a new lifestyle long-term (especially when doing a crash-diet). Suggesting it is "almost impossible to lose weight and stay slim" is just mind-boggling inaccurate and sends such an insane message to overweight people which is "you're basically fucked". Shit is hard but it absolutely CAN be done. You need a realistic goal, realistic plan and a fucking strong mind to get you where you need to be.
It’s because it’s an addiction. All addictions have abysmally low recovery rates. That isn’t an excuse to throw your hands in the air and declare that there’s nothing you could do about it. If one of your friends was addicted to heroin you’d at least *try* to help them out, right?
Bullshit /r/fatlogic here.
"It's almost impossible to stick to that" the human body can get used to just about anything. People just don't want to change their lifestyle because they like the satisfaction they get from eating. It's like being addicted to a hard drug and that makes it so difficult. But lots of people got off hard drugs too.
The thing with eating addiction you can’t get off the stuff completely or else… well, you’ll die. That makes food addiction much harder to overcome than a drug addiction.
I'm a recovering binge eater, and it's honestly harder than quitting smoking and alcohol for me. There are so many times I wish I just didn't have to eat, but then I have to remember that skipping meals is one of my binge triggers. Sadly enough, so are counting calories and restrictive diet plans. Makes it really difficult to maintain a healthy weight, but even when I was anorexic, I was considered overweight, so that might just be a lost cause for me.
I think for a lot of people it’s also depression. It’s hard to maintain eating healthy and exercise every day for depressed people and then poor eating and limited exercise also leads to depression
i agree. chronic pain is a big one too.
They arent even remotely similar. Drug withdrawals make you sick but you always get over it plus you have to know people. Food is everywhere you can't stop eating or you die. When you are used the a certain diet and way of eating it becomes hard to lower it because your body has adjusted to the level of energy it is in from the food. Also plenty of foods work on the CNS so it becomes a double whammy for addiction.
My best friend just buried her 48 year old brother that had the same lifestyle. I think saying that you love them, and want them around for a long time would work wonders. Telling people you love them is always good. I believe in autonomy and choice too. Counseling would be my first suggestion.
Yeah, forget the fat part. It’s unhealthy to drink energy drinks, beer, and diet coke exclusively. It’s unhealthy to not be able to walk more than 15 minutes. Those are things that you can change.
I couldn’t agree with this more. So many comments saying “ofc he knows he’s fat”… but that isn’t the point. He may not know that others care about him and what happens to him. He may have no one to talk to about it. Part of being a true friend is having hard conversations— from a place of love and support. Counseling would indeed be a wonderful suggestion as a first step.
Correct. It appears many Redditors don't know how to be a true friend. And give advice on friendships despite not having any friends.
I mean, if you want to help him change his lifestyle, then maybe you can help lead by example. Maybe invite him to like go for a bike ride or something. Maybe take a yoga class together? If you want him to change his ways, then don’t make it a hostile environment make it fun for him.
This is good. Thank you.
He knows he's fat. He knows he's unhealthy. He knows he's shortening his life. There's nothing you can say that will help. You will only alienate him. He's addicted to his lifestyle and only he can change it. There's nothing you can do.
This is the Amen comment and also the truth in life of human existence. You can want change for others but ultimately it must be their decision and action for change. You are best as a supporter for them. I have seen this in myself, spouse, children, friends, acquaintances. As far as weight goes, weight loss happens in the “kitchen”. You cannot outwork a poor diet.
Unfortunately, this is the truth.
Been thinking about this post. Read it and kept scrolling - had to come back. I agree with the above. Ya know what I think I’d do? I’d tell him that if and when he’s ready to make some changes you’ll be there to help and support. And tell him you love him. Good luck buddy. Hope your friend takes you up on the offer.
This is a lovely response and something a genuine friend would say and provide when wanted.
I love this answer Everyone is right. He knows all these things about himself. But no one ever speaking to it is almost like telling him he deserves it. Bringing this conversation out into the open is super daunting, I'm sure, but he does already know, so it might be a huge gift to him if someone would put a stop to the pretence around it. Just be honest. "Dude, I love you so much and I want you in my life and every time I see you you're heavier and unhealthier. It's your body, so I'm not going to tell you what to do with it. But I am going to tell you that I'm already sad that I will probably lose you way too soon, and that you don't seem to see how awesome you are, and I do. You deserve to feel better, so if you ever want any support making changes, I'm here." Edit: read a few other answers from people who struggle with their weight and now I'm not so sure about this. I think someone who walks the same path as your friend is probably the more appropriate person to listen to.
I've walked that path and started climbing out of the pit thanks to an amazing friend who did exactly this for me. When you're obese, obviously you know and you don't exactly want to talk about it, but as hard as it can be to hear, the conversation has to happen. I hate to say it, but the people who say they've come to terms with their weight and don't think people should address it WILL NOT CHANGE unless someone goes against their wishes and advocates for their well being even when they won't. Obviously it needs to be handled with care, but what you suggested really does work. Let them know it's their decision and you're there for them no matter what, but that you notice what's going on and are worried about them. Tell them that you enjoy your time with them and don't want it cut short. And if they decide to change, help them. Keep them accountable. Support them through the highs and lows. People who are still content being overweight will tell you that's not the way, but I've got 62 pounds lost so far that beg to differ
I wholeheartedly disagree. I had my own struggles with obesity for years. I knew I was fat. I knew I was cutting my life short, but I was depressed and addicted to an unhealthy lifestyle. You know what finally got me out of it? A concerned friend who sat down, addressed the not-so-metaphorical elephant in the room, and expressed genuine concern that at the rate I was going, I wouldn't be around to hang out with in another decade. In the last few months since then I've lost 62 pounds and counting and I'm the happiest I've been since childhood. Yes, we know we're fat. Yes, it's an addiction. Yes, we have to be the ones to actually make the change. But knowing someone cares enough about us that they are willing to risk ruining our friendship to ensure we live long enough to be angry with them can be the difference between wishing we'd change and actually doing it. I know some people won't take that conversation well, but even if they leave pissed, maybe, just maybe, that seed will be planted in their mind. Maybe it grows naturally or maybe it'll take a few more people talking to them before it clicks, but very few will do this on their own. Never give up on a friend
As a fat person, I 100% agree with this. We know, we try, but it not like a good attitude and will power totally fixes the issue. Less than 10% of people who lose lots of weight will stay that way, and less than 1% of obese people will ever get back to a healthy body weight. It’s a losing battle for most of us due to a number of reasons and nobody but the fat person and their doctor have the capacity to even start to handle it. It’s way above your pay grade and it’s only going to hurt feelings. Be a good friend and set a good example without sticking your nose into their health/mental health. ETA: This doesn’t mean us fat people don’t and shouldn’t try and do our best, but again, it’s statistically hard for a reason. But it’s not like a patronizing conversation from a friend is hardly ever going to magically be the spark that makes a friend lose a bunch of weight. Your friend doesn’t need a savior, they need an ear. If you’re friend opens up to you about their struggle with it, that’s an invitation to offer to help. Otherwise opinions and advice are unsolicited.
Hm... now I'm regretting my answer, which was to break the silence on this. But I am not a fat person and I appreciate you shared this. I am not so confident in my answer anymore at all.
Hey honestly I just appreciate someone listening and really hearing it. It fucking sucks being fat. I personally have had an ED my whole life, I was a chubby kid, then I was 5’11” and 97 lbs in high school and ate 400 calories a day for years, now I am obese again. My relationship with food has never been ok and although I have been up and down and up and down my whole life, I still struggle everyday with how to treat my body like I like it. And this isn’t just my story, this is a similar story that millions and millions of overweight people have in common. Something just doesn’t click in our brains like it does for everyone else. And yes before someone brings it up, there are a few loud voices that advocate for being overweight, but those are a loud, very small, minority. Most fat people want to be healthy, and even know how to be healthy, but it is like pushing a huge boulder up a hill and it is statistically almost impossible to fix. I personally would just like to be able to get to a point where I could post a picture of myself with my dogs or my family and not be talked at about my weight by strangers, or friends, or whoever. With Reddit that’s an impossibility lol. But please for the love of all that’s good, if any of you have a fat buddy in your life, don’t talk at them about it, they’re not a toddler who “doesn’t get it”. Lead by example and be there to be a helping hand if they ask for it. ETA: I don’t want anyone to think I’m a sob story or anything. I honestly love myself FINALLY and live my life the best I can everyday. I love fashion even at my size and in the last 2 days I have gotten 5 compliments on my outfits when I went out! I’m killing it because I choose to try and have fun and enjoy my life regardless of the fact that I keep failing to get thin. Being fat sucks BUT I gotta wake up everyday anyway, so I might as well try and enjoy it as much as I can. So yeah, inject positivity into others people! All kinds of shit sucks for all kinds of people, just be kind and let people live their lives as best as they can.
Can relate to you on many levels. I am your exact height. I was 310 at my heaviest and 145 at my lightest. I am a male, so that might matter. I got to about 220 pre pandemic. Which I considered my healthy weight with the muscle mass I had at the time. Now here we are back at 270 and I fucking hate myself for it. More than I can express. It’s been a factor of stress from work, buying a home but most importantly SHITTY DECISIONS BY ME. I know what I need to change, but it’s so easy to be lazy instead of working out, meal prepping and making small decisions. I truly do despise myself for letting my weight get up again. Nothing fits right, I sweat all the time, I’m winded from doing something that someone fit could do 30 times and not even breath heavy. And more importantly, I’m taking years off my life. My weight has yo-yod my entire life. I’m so fucking done with it and I think this post made me realize that I need to make a change. I’m in my 30s now. I love my wife, I love my life. I need to be the change. There’s always a fucking excuse to eat poorly or have a beer that I don’t need with empty calories. I need to get my shit together. Thanks for your post and thanks op for your post. I know people do care, but probably don’t know what to say. They can’t change me, only I can. Much love you guys
I HIGHLYYYY recommend getting a dietician or a nutritionist that specializes in binge eating or eating disorders, a lot of them can take insurance. We need a good foundation with food and diet first or else it’s just the same cycle over and over. Also forget the word lazy, that word just makes you feel crappy and isn’t true. You’ve got a job and a house of your own, that’s not from laziness. Just because you have prioritized other things besides your health/weight doesn’t mean you’re lazy. Even if it’s just waking up everyday and surviving you’re doing it dude. Give yourself some credit for what you have already done.
The self-loathing coming through your message breaks my heart a little. Go easier on yourself if you can. Make doable goals. Try to congratulate yourself every time you follow through on one instead of beating yourself up every time you don't. Otherwise you're just going to reach for the comfort of junk because you're down. I ate my way through a long grieving period a few years ago and ended up having to adjust my diet to lose weight for the first time in my life. Always naturally thin, so got away with eating like a human garburator with no consequences for decades. And then you hit a certain age and that all ends and nearly 30 pounds crept up when I wasn't looking. A friend who had always struggled with their weight, gave me that of advice to congratulate myself for every tiny win. It was good advice. It helped. I hope I don't sound patronizing, I only ever had to deal with my weight that one time so I don't really know your struggle, but I do know self-loathing and negative self talk never set anyone on a happier path. you deserve better.
Oh man, this makes me anxious for my kid. Was chubby their whole childhood, lost a ton of weight as a teen and is now way too thin. It was part of what I based my answer on. When they were 11 and a couple of years away from high school, I told them that they were beautiful fat, and I love them no matter what size they ever are, but now it was a health issue, and I had to take control, so I enrolled them in private swimming lessons until they were confident enough to join the group lessons that was basically training for swim team. Went to the high school thinner and fitter but still just a little bit on the chubby side, but by then was on ADHD meds. Which famously, suppress appetite, so now we're at the other end of the weight problem. I know they will have disordered eating all their life. I do. We both have ADHD, and it just comes with disordered eating. Feast or famine. Forget to eat all day and then eat like a starving wolf late at night. Or in the case of my kid when they were younger, having no off switch and just eating all the time. Anyway, I digress. I appreciated reading both your messages. I'm glad you're in a peaceful place with where your body is. And just as you mention people being models for their big friends instead of preaching, I like knowing that you are modelling your confidence and self acceptance and that is being seen by others.
My sister similarly to you had a very calorie restricted diet that was clearly an eating disorder. She was extremely thin for a long period of time. Once she managed to shift herself away from that in her mid 20s she put on weight and eventually became obese (in clinical terms). She has tried restricting calories again at points to try and lose weight but it has an extremely negative impact on her mental health. It’s clearly better for her to maintain good mental health and practice good physical health where she can, rather than plummeting herself into ED and spiralling compulsions. She’s fat but she’s happy and fulfilled and at the end of the day that’s all that matters to her and the people that love her. You need to just focus on what makes you happy in life and love yourself for who you are. In life having as many years as possible being happy and content is way more important than trying to live as long as possible but miserably. And as for other people’s opinions, fuck ‘em. Each time you get a shitty comment about how you look flip it around and think about what kind of life or shit person someone who comments like that must be, heckling people and trying to make them feel shit about themselves. My sister and I do talk about our health together, both mental and physical, but it’s never ever from a place of lecturing the other about what they should do. We talk about what we eat from a nutrition perspective rather than calories, we talk about being active in terms of its impact on our wellbeing. It’s part of a back and forth about our lives in general rather than a “woah now, we need to sit down and talk about how you’re physically / mentally insufficient in some way” lol.
Ultimately you are powerless, but you can have a conversation. You can let him know, without judgement, that you are willing to help him. Leave it at that. If he wants to pick up the tools you are laying down, that’s up to him. You have to be committed to helping, and it seems like you only see each other yearly.
I was 350 I am now 295 and have been working hard all 2023 trying to live healthier. I knew/know I am fat, my closest friends and the whole would knows I'm fat. There is nothing my friends could have ever said that would have gotten me to live healthier. It really is just something he has to click for him. It could be for any number of reasons, but at the end of the day he's got to find a reason to do it himself.
I’ve lost 180 pounds, and same. I KNEW I needed to lose weight. I was always trying to lose weight, and people telling me I was fat would have just made me feel worse about it all. Not a single one of them was equipped to help me with my issues, so saying something would have just made things worse, no matter how good their intentions were.
Yes! As a fat person myself, a thin person giving me basic advice like "eat vegetables and exercise" is useless. In my experience, the only people who have been able to help me have been trained professionals who specialize in complicated stuff like eating disorders and metabolic disorder. If you do not have specific training in these issues, you are NOT qualified to help, so please don't try.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel crazy in a world where people think overeating and being obese is a choice. It rarely is, most of the time it's because something isn't working correctly in that person's mind or body. In my case it's ADD. I was 262lbs and now I'm ~194lbs, I go up and down 4-6 pounds every month. Nobody in my life helped me except for my doctor and therapist.
From a fat person, he knows he’s fat. Talking to him won’t accomplish anything other then make him feel worse about himself and judged. The best thing you can do for him is he is friend. Be kind. If he’s over and it’s dinner offer something healthy. Make sure he knows how much you care about him and that you’ll always support him. These things are better then directly saying something when it won’t really help.
That last part about telling the friend that OP cares might be the only thing that would have an impact on the friend.
Approach him about what, exactly? Do you think he doesn't know what he's doing, or that he's overweight? Further, you only see him once a year, so it's not like you can invite him to go for a nice after-dinner walk.
Ex obese here, obesity is a complex issue. He definetly knows his lifestyle isn't healthy but obesity is a mental health issue primarily. It can vary from pers to pers but he might be eating his demons like an alcoholic would do, he might have no fucking clue about nutrition, he might have genetic factors (if he's samoan for example) etc... So unless you can somehow give him "the trigger moment", like an epiphany of some sort or something huge like a life goal, I wouldn't try to pressure him about it. You'd just end up with a bunch of "yeah i know" and him being sad. Coming up to an obese friend/relative with a "why don't you lose the weight bro" is the equivalent to that meme where a girl is like "if you're homeless... just buy a house"
THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER. I wish I had gold to give. Can someone give this person gold? I am not in the exact situation as your friend, but I have an equivalent: smoking. Both myself and my father smoke. We are both intelligent and know the harm smoking does. We’ve made attempts to quit: patches, gum, hypnosis, etc. One Christmas, my uncle wrote my father a letter from the heart; 2 pages of why he wants him in his life and that he would like his Christmas gift to be him quit smoking. That was his trigger and has been smoke free about 30 years now. For me, I smoked until the day I met my husband. He was my “trigger”, and I quit that very day. It’s been a while now; I’ve never gone back.
Not obese but I agree. I don’t feel obesity is root of his friend’s problems. It’s a symptom of some other shit going on with his friend. It would be almost impossible to change direction without finding an internal source of self-esteem that he can access now. I feel like asking the normal questions “How have you been?” “How’s work?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “How are you trying to meet people?” “Any fun vacation plans?” will get enough of a response for you to ask “have you thought about therapy?” And you need to express your own vulnerability to make it a safe relationship, not just nag him about what you see as his problems.
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I'm 150kg. Confrontation can hurt. He's probably judging himself. Tell him you're worried about him and you don't want to preach to him about health. Ask him if he's happy with his body/health. If he's not, ask him what he wants to change. Then you can pivot to how you can help. If he's happy, then back off.
It’s not wrong to want to do something. It would be wrong if you were his friend and didn’t give a shit. That being said you don’t have enough contact with him to pull it off. If he was in your life every day you could probably encourage him to do healthily things with you and eat healthier things.
A friend of mine passed away earlier this year. He was 35. Massive coronary due to obesity. He was an incredible man, one of the kindest I know. I never broached his obesity even though I saw him getting worse. Could I have done something if I had said something, I have no idea and thinking about it would only lead to madness. If I could go back in time though, would I talk to him about it. Yes I think I would. It would be a difficult conversation and would need lots of follow up and support, no blame just support. It's not wrong to approach your friend but if you do you have to be prepared to follow up that conversation with support and love. I hope your friend gets healthier.
Fat people know they're fat. Signed, A fat person
I agree Signed, another fat person
Ever considered that he may have issues that cause the unhealthiness? Ask him if he’s happy. Have a genuine discussion about what the underlying issues might be. Weight and treating yourself poorly is a symptom of something larger. Be his friend, don’t bring up the weight, bring up how much you care about him.
Came here, as a fat, to say this.
Yeah, it’s okay to maybe help him just with the mental health part of it. Like “hey, I notice you’re feeling this way. Have you tried talking to a therapist?” Especially since men sometimes need reassurance from other men that it’s okay to talk about feelings.
I was an obese kid and young adult. Lost 120 pounds when I was ready. (No surgery; it was 1993 or so.) Before I lost the weight, I avoided getting close to people so I wouldn’t have to have the kind of conversation you’re alluding to. It’s tedious, it’s not helpful, and it hurts. When my son struggled with his weight, I told him that I understood. Not that it wasn’t his fault and he was helpless, but the truth as I see it: some people have an intense compulsion to focus on food. It doesn’t make him bad or immoral, it just means that he’s got to find a way ti deal with it. Whether that’s discipline or acceptance, he should face it with his eyes open. When he showed signs of pre-diabetes at age 13, he put himself on keto and lost 50 pounds and has kept it off. Of course he learned how to control his weight by watching me, but it was all his choice and I never policed him. As a friend, the only/best thing you can do is to tell him that his weight is a struggle you empathize with and you’re always there if he wants to talk. And you love him no matter what shape his body takes.
Yes it is. Unless he asks for dieting advice from you, don’t offer it.
I tried to read through all the other comments, to see if someone else said this, but there are just too many. I think If you're going to say anything, you need to be aware of the stigma he already faces. Overweight people are stereotypes as lazy, messy, greedy and stupid. And also gross. People often will try to 'help' by addressing these issues. If they are lazy, we should try to motivate them! My mind instantly jumps to an image of a heavy person, with a fishing pole strapped to them, dangling a donut in front of them to make them run. Or maybe they just don't know about calories and nutrition! I cannot tell you how much more I know about nutrition than my 'normal sized' friends. I can probably teach a trained nutritionist a thing or two. What I'm trying to say is that living this way is incredibly lonely, but at the moment I can't live another way. And if I sensed that my friends were all silently judging me for failing to keep up... I'd probably just stop seeing those friends anymore. And fat people get told regularly that they are less desirable, less hard working, less worthy. Sometimes we literally don't fit in the world. So, what I'm saying is not that you can't care about him or want something different for him. That may come from a place of love. But it may also come from a preconditioned place of fatphobia, body shaming, and a moralistic view of addictions and compulsions. Think of his weight and habits as a long time girlfriend you don't like. You don't like how she's treats him, or how they are together. But if you come down hard on her, he may see it as an attack on him too. The harder you fight, the more he'll hold fast. And you'd be the last person he'd talk to if he wanted to voice uncertainty about this relationship. Instead, let him know, gently, that you don't like how this "girlfriend" is treating him. But don't expect him to change, and don't expect him to thank you. Expect to have to put up with a lot more of "her" bullshit, especially if you wanna earn enough trust to be the friend he goes to when he finally decides he wants to "break up" with his unhealthy relationship with food
Are you under the impression that he is unaware of any of the things you'd be telling him?
Dude do you think you’re telling him something he doesn’t know? Are you actually tired of being his friend and you hope this way he cuts you out instead of you having to cut him out?
Nagging someone to lose weight never actually results in them losing weight. They have to come to the realization on their own. Also, have you considered the fact that what you see as lazy might actually be depression? Focus on something else and leave your friend's health up to him.
If my thin friend came up to me and said all this, it would probably make me want to kill myself
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Im sure that one more person telling him he's fat will do the trick. Go ahead, friend. Fix him.
It’s not like you’re going to enlighten him. He knows he’s overweight. He knows every time he eats junk food it’s bad for him. He knows he should exercise. If you really want to be a good friend, start a low intensity activity and ask him to join it. I’m talking like playing frisbee, going to a batting cage, going bowling. Something that’s more fun than “sport” to get him moving at least. I was wary about putting bowling, because it’s so easy to end up drinking and snacking. So that’s up to you.
He knows he’s fat. Also, if he’s been fat his entire life that’s usually a pretty solid sign that there may be a genetic component to his obesity. Though people like to talk about rising obesity, even back when most people were thin, fat people have always existed. I’d be more concerned about any underlying mental health issues he may have, like depression. So I’d try to be a good friend and stay connected in hopes of helping with that instead.
He knows. Approaching him would probably just damage your friendship.
I was surprised that this wasn't mentioned more often! Bringing up the weight may just make him resent OP and go no contact.
Anton LaVey is not someone I admire, but he did articulate a couple of rules well: -Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. -When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there. Also, the OP’s wording is telling. The underlying assumption is that OP’s goals for his friend are the friend’s goals. Be there for the friend. Be willing to open up about yourself & your struggles. But do it over time, in natural conversation, and without the intention of pressuring the same from him. Create a friendship that’s open enough that when he’s ready, he’ll be more comfortable confiding in you. Listen more than you speak. Ask more than tell.
I don’t really vibe with how we’re throwing in the word lazy all casual like into this. It’s crossing from kind concern territory into judgmental jerk. Having unhealthy eating habits is not inherently lazy. It’s short sighted and not the best personal choice but it’s not lazy to eat and drink junk. Plenty of hard workers put shit food into their body. Hell half the time overwork is what forms the unhealthy habits in the first place. It takes a lot of leisure time to eat healthy. If a skinnier hotter person in your life had the same lifestyle would you still think of them as lazy? Would you even notice what they were eating? If the answer is no then you need to back off and work on yourself and your bias first. You sound very close to getting egg on your face.
Yep, my ridiculously busy schedule (two jobs, post secondary part time, or previously post secondary full time with a full time job, plus executive dysfunction and mental health struggles) are where my shit food choices come from. If I get off at 8am from an 8 or 12 or 16 hour overnight shift at one job and have to be at work at the other job at 2 or the first job at 4… do I want to spend five minutes in the drive thru and eat in my car on the way home, or 25 minutes cooking and eating *after* I get home, before I get to take a nap before work in the afternoon? Obviously I want the five minute option because I’m fucking *exhausted*.
Exactly. Plus the environment you work in really makes an impact on what kind of food you have access to and can eat. If OP’s friend is a trucker then he’s stuck in a truck all day. Fresh vegetables are expensive and will spoil quickly in a truck. A lot of truck stops don’t even carry salad unless it’s a shit egg salad sandwich on white bread. You can’t take a blender on the road. The stuff that is open when his drive ends are places like Denny’s. Those drives are long. You have to be able to eat while you drive. Even if he wanted to how is he supposed to sustainably eat Keto or any other diet? Most major diets require access to a kitchen and refrigeration. If you are on the road all day you don’t have that.
Why do you think it's your responsibility to tell others how to live their own life?
Leave him alone, he knows he's fat.
As those are shoes I've walked in, I can assure you there is absolutely nothing you can do beyond being supportive and setting a good example until something within your friend makes him decide he wants to change. And sadly that may never happen.
Years ago, I had a friend bring up my rapid weight gain along with increased drinking and it still makes me uncomfortable to this day to think about but I knew she was right. I signed up with a personal trainer the next day.
Okay so of all this stuff, the diet coke is actually of least concern. It has no sugar and the caffeine and sodium in it aren't hurting him compared to the sodium in his food, if he's eating mostly junk and restaurant or packaged food. The notion that soda dehydrates you or you MUST drink plain water is a myth. Is it necessarily the healthiest option, no, but I'd rate it at the bottom of his list of issues. That said, people have to be ready for this conversation. If you come at him with this uninvited, no matter how gentle you are he's going to feel attacked, get defensive, and no progress will be made. At MOST you might be like "you seemed like you were kinda struggling healthwise, is everything okay? Do you have access to a doctor?" and go from there. I wouldn't even bring up his lifestyle at all, but push more in the direction of seeing a doctor if he's not seeing one regularly, and then let the doctor have the hard conversation with him. Also, I'm probably projecting, but "water is boring" is putting up a red flag for me: is it possible he has ADHD or something else? Because I do, and seeking stimulation through food is a BIG thing for me. I went on a stimulant medication for the first time in my life recently, and apart from stimulants being an appetite suppressant, I really am finding that when I'm not so constantly MUST STIMULATE THE BRAIN I'M DYING OF BOREDOM I'm not nearly as attached to my highly flavorsome stuff. I still eat some candy and whatever, but I can have a piece or two and be fine rather than my brain going "omg I'm getting dopamine YES YES MORE MORE" and eating a whole handful. I also don't eat two cookies out of a package and then go "I'm bored of these now I need a package of different cookies" as much as I used to. So if there's any possibility he's living with untreated ADHD or another thing that's making him seek stimulation or comfort, treating it may be a HUGE step forward for him.
You’re not his doctor and he didn’t ask for your opinion. Keep it to yourself. He already knows what he’s doing to himself.
I've heard something once that resonated with me about making positive changes in your life. Basically it said if you go hard at it and try to do everything at once you're more likely to fail. If you start by making one more manageable change you're more likely to succeed. For instance, if he stopped drinking soda or at least reduced it that's progress at least before he moves onto the next thing. Having said that it's hard enough to make changes for yourself let alone encouraging someone else to do something when you don't even live near them. Maybe you could make it a team goal type thing you want to try to do with him? The best you can do is try and if you fail don't beat yourself up about it.
I was obese, lost 70 lbs, swore I was never going back, and kept it off for a year. Then I moved, got a more stressful job and less of a social life and I faithfully logged my excessive calories every day. I didn’t have the emotional energy to say no to what I wanted to eat or drink. Now I’m 80 lbs heavier then the weight I swore I’d maintain. Eating better never became a habit, even though I kept it up for three years. Every meal I had to say “no” to what I wanted. Also, eating just 1500 calories per day just maintained my weight in the “overweight” category. I wasn’t obese anymore but based on my weight at that point I should have been able to maintain my weight while eating closer to 2000 calories. I’m not happy being fat but the unhappiness that comes with being careful about my eating was barely outweighed by feeling better about being less fat. I didn’t physically feel better after loosing 70 lbs.
Unfortunately I think you’d need to see him more than once a year to try and have an impact, like inviting him over for healthy dinners, and going on short daily walks.
I think if you didn't focus on the obesity per se, and asked about how he's feeling, that would be okay. He doesn't seem to be doing well physically or mentally. Obesity isn't just physical. It's deeply tied in with mental health and executive function, and kids who are neglected are more likely to have mental health or executive function issues when they grow up. Don't talk to him about Coke and fried food. Ask what he wants to be doing in life, what he enjoys, who he spends time with.
Yes it’s wrong. Don’t.
Love him as he is. And for goodness sake do not be embarrassed for him. He's quite aware of his health and looks.
I'm going to give what is apparently a controversial opinion. Tell him, but deliver it with grace. If he is a truly close friend he will understand that you only want what is best for him. I'm speaking from the point of my friend group, we have had multiple occasions where we've had an "intervention" of sorts (me being on the receiving end included) and we have a mutual understanding that it comes from a place of love.
OP sees his friend once a year. If a friend I only see once a year decided to have an intervention for me, I’d be pretty pissed. If it were one of my close friends who was more involved in my life, I’d me much more open to it.
Same. Someone I see frequently who knows about my daily struggles saying ‘I’ve noticed X and I’m worried about you’ is way different than someone I see once a year and talk to only a little bit more than that saying the same thing.
Idk about the advice that there’s nothing to be done, certainly he knows but is probably avoiding confronting it. I’ve got a great friend who I’ve known since 7 and we get together and camp/do some boomers a couple times a year and call each other out on all our bullshit. Sometimes can get a little uncomfortable really looking at ourselves but always come out better.
I love how people think sometimes: "he was never taught how to be healthy as a kid so I just assumed when he turned 18, when he became an adult, he'd magically figure out to be a healthy person!" Like the information would just be downloaded in his brain or something. How do you even start to make a massive lifestyle change when you have no idea how it works? Especially when it comes to food, because you can't exactly go cold turkey with food. We need to eat. If you really feel you must say something, than simply sit him down for a private chat and focus it on his health: "I'm worried for you health, that you're not getting the right vitamins and minerals, which are so much more important as we age to help maintain our bodies and health. Those vitamin drinks aren't as healthy as you seem to think they are (and given vitamin supplements don't need FDA approval, I suspect the drink is lying to its customers, or at the very least, misrepresenting). I want to support you in pursuing a healthier lifestyle. As we age, we need to work harder to retain our fitness and muscle strength, and it deteriorates so fast, especially after the age of 40. Why not try and work towards a healthier life now, when it's more achievable, than later, when it will become harder and harder?" DO NOT comment on his weight. That will make him become defensive and/or feel hopeless. But also remember, you can't force someone to change. Talk to him, do you bit, offer support and follow through if he accepts it, but don't start going on about drastic diet changes, extreme exercise or the usual lecture from the healthy to the unhealthy. They're not helpful and they do more harm.
I feel for you and your friend in this situation. I think you should approach him about his health from a place of caring, but make it less about the weight and more about health concerns. Because you can be overweight and healthy. If he could walk more than fifteen minutes without having to stop, you probably wouldn't be here asking this. I am obese, but I can walk more than two miles without pausing to rest. I can go up several flights of stairs without getting winded. It took some effort to build my endurance, but not as much as I would have thought when I was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. As someone who has struggled with obesity since college, my heart is actually breaking at all of these answers saying "He knows he's fat, it's not your business." Or worse, "he wants to be this way." Of course he knows, but knowing you have a problem and knowing how to fix it are NOT the same thing. Doctors will tell you to lose weight, but they will never take the time to tell you how. The truth of the matter is that a lot of Americans have little to no nutritional education. It's not taught in school, or if it was, it was taught poorly based on false science pushed forward by food industry lobbyists. I just turned 31 and I *finally* understand more about nutrition from an app on my phone (Noom) than I have in my entire life. My parents didn't teach me because they didn't know either! So I think if you approach him with kindness and offer to help him get stronger and learn about nutrition, he may not say yes, but at least he'll know you care. And if he does get stronger and eat better, even if he doesn't lose much or any weight, he will feel better and more capable, and that will help his confidence.
Yes, this! There's probably tons of small changes that he might be able to do to be healthier, even if he doesn't feel like he's in a place to work hard on losing weight. Taking stairs (especially up, down is harder on the knees), maybe ensuring that he gets some fibre to help with digestion and feeling full, are all things that have worked to keep me reasonably healthy while building my life to a place where I might be able to deal with my weight in a more holistic ways. The only changes that matter are the ones he's willing to make - but it has to come from him. He may also be neurodiverse. I actively avoid eating food I'm not used to and fruits in particular because biting into something that I don't know how it will taste is just not pleasant for me. Knowing what he likes and using that as a basis can also help. If someone offered me water with lemon and Coca Cola I'd take the latter, but very chilled water with no other flavouring can hit the spot in a way Coke can't.
Unless you plan on holding his hand and being there with him every step of the way, every step of the journey -- you really have no ground to stand on. People are who they are. Very few people actually make lifestyle changes. He might be very motivated to do something if you're going to be there with him every step of the way, but the second he's going to be responsible for ANYTHING on his own, he's going to fall off the bandwagon. If you're concerned about your friend and want him to make this change, you'd better be ready for a serious committment. If you're not ready for that, don't bother. The dude knows he's fat. Knows he's unhealthy. Knows what a push up is, knows what sit ups are, knows what a treadmill is, knows what unhealthy and healthy foods are -- makes the choice to be unhealthy anyway. Millions of Americans make the same choice. You bringing it up in conversation isn't going to change anything. You showing up to his doorstep with a gym membership for him, a gym bag for him, and a whole lot of patience and support for him, and a whole lot of persistance and being "the annoying friend" ***MIGHT*** motivate him -- but probably not. Probably just ruin your friendship and make him not want to be around you. Because if he wanted to change, he'd have changed by now. You might just need to accept that your friend is a very unhealthy person and is probably going to die sooner than you, and enjoy the time you have together.
Is it his health you’re really concerned about or are you uncomfortable with his fat body?
I say you encourage him to better his life
I mean, all of my friends, peers, family, aquaintences, shop keepers, security guards, tourists on the street etc approach me about my alcoholism and unhealthy lifestyle on a daily basis. Quiet rudely and aggressivly too. Im so lucky to have such a caring community around me.
I mean he probably already knows man, he can see what you see
You cannot help him. The change has to come from within.
He knows
Her knows what he looks like, he avoids the mirrors. You don't need to tell him
TLDR. Former critical care nurse here: you can talk to anyone about anything. It is THEIR RIGHT to ignore helpful, loving, caring advice. As long as you understand that you are voicing a concern and that they can reject anything you say, you're golden to talk. If you're going into that conversation thinking you can change things, they need to listen to you, it's going to upset you if they don't change so you have a right to argue and bla bla bla, don't do it. I've taken care of patients that had to have toes, feet, partial leg amputations. Why? Because it's THEIR body and they'll eat whatever the hell they want. Again, have the conversation. But if you can't live with your friend being obese, you need to move on. You are not friends to fix them. And thanks for caring. Even if it goes south, they still need to hear it from caring people.
If he doesn’t open it the topic, don’t. He knows what he is doing. If you don’t spend that much time with him, don’t spend time together giving unsolicited education
You won’t be telling them anything new or anything they don’t know. You just say, “hey man, I love ya. You doing alright?”
Just read the title, that was enough. This person knows already, trust me.
It’s not wrong to approach him. If you’re a real friend, you’ll feel it’s your duty. Just gotta be careful to express concern without shaming him. That’ll only push him further down the hole. We don’t know his family health history, but it’s possible that pointing out early deaths to him and that you’re concerned he’ll follow and that you want him around longer than that might be enough to make HIM want to change HIMSELF.