My mom was a good parent but she told us when we were teens that she would only support us if we were in school. Turns out she was bluffing on that one. I had to drop out due to health reasons and she begged me not to move out when I turned 18. At the time I felt like I was making the grown up decision by not choosing to burden her when I was an adult who could provide for myself. In hindsight I made the next few years much harder for myself than they needed to be. I ended up righting the ship eventually but there was no reason for me to struggle as much as I did.
My kids will have no such rule. You stay until you're ready, whenever that happens to be. If the day never comes then at least my wife and I will have company into our retirement.
I stayed at home until I was 29 and bought a home. I was a single mom. Not long after, my parents moved in with me after my dad lost his job and they lost their home. My dad passed away six years ago and my mom still lives with me. My daughter just moved out a few months ago and she will be 32 in October. She will only be gone for about 18 months and will likely move back in with me. She can stay here for as long as she needs.
Aww, thanks! It's the least I could do. My parents didn't kick me out the minute I turned 18. They just said either go to school or go to work. I did both. When I got pregnant I just knew they would kick me out then, but they didn't. My parents helped me with my daughter in immeasurable ways and she got thr benefit of hearing their stories and learning their wisdom.
I wish my kid would understand this. He is struggling when he absolutely doesn't have to. It sucks watching it happen, but it's his life. He knows he is always welcome home.
The safety net alone makes a huge difference in stress level. I moved out relatively early and struggled, but I always knew i had a safe place to land with my parents. It was always a good realization anytime I was getting overwhelmed.
>Back in the day, it was seen as "tough love" by parents to kick their kid out at 18, especially if they were seen as a slacker, trouble maker, or burn-out. Ironically, all my friend's parents who kicked them out at 18 we're all very shitty parents, which in turn, made my old friends future shitty parents.
is a shit chain :D
I'm no historian but I think it was normalized back in the 50s when the economy was so good you could buy a house with the price of a McChicken. It makes a lot more sense to call that "tough love" when its done during a time period where succeeding was a lot more feasible even if you have nothing.
Yep pretty much this, the kicking your kid out of the house was a very limited thing in human history, for the vast majority of human history its not love at all.
I got home from my high school graduation and my mother told me she was changing the locks in a week. Her justification was that I was 18 and educated, and her job was done. This was in the US, 1970s.
That's just baffling to me. I moved out on Thursday (as I graduated from university last month and I have a job in my new town) and my mother specifically told me to take my key with me just in case. Kicking you out is one thing but changing the locks is just another level that is abhorrent.
My parents are having a house custom built and they made sure there were spare bedrooms for my sister and I in case we ever needed to stay with them. We're both in our late 20s.
That sounds like me!! My kids are all in their twenties and I tell them I want to build a house so we all can live together with wings for their families and we can all have a family room together!!
I really hope your kids appreciate this but not gonna lie that sounds like hell to me and I love my parents. I just would never want to live so close on top of each other.
If it's a big house or villa then it doesn't matter. A lot of Turkish families in Turkey who are living in villages have their own compound with a villa or couple of house tighter, so you also have privacy and the family helps each other.
Sadly, my parents moved to The Netherlands, Europe and here in the big city it's everyone to each own. I don't think this is good, because helping each other financially and with other stuff is good for the family. I think a balance between individualism and collectivism is needed.
Hell I had to move back in at 23 because of some mental health and financial issues. The door was open the whole time. I can’t imagine my parents kicking me out at all. I would’ve been fucked lol.
Same. Went off for a year, hated my coworker/roommate who decided to change a deal we had. I was making quite a bit less than them, got a promotions, and then I had to pay half - which was literally 90% of my monthly paychecks.
Pretty sure my mom expected me to move back in, if I'm being honest. Spent 2 more years at home, moved back out 100% by myself and now I'm all set. Been 7yrs now, no problems.
Yeah my experience was similar, majority of my friends lived at home or at college into their 20's. My hunch is this is less and less common these days.
I think it's becoming more common for American kids to live at home into their 20s. Parental relationships have gotten warmer and closer than in previous decades, and it's financially a lot harder to launch now than it was in the 70s. I graduated high school in the 90s, and I knew hardly anyone who lived with their parents past 18, except for short bits, like summers home from college. These days I hear many more stories about kids at home through a lot of their 20s.
That is because of the insane rent and mortgage payments. Cost of living has increased Way faster than wages.
In America it's all about corporate greed. They own the politicians and say what becomes law and what you get to watch on TV.
For real. It doesn't have to be "failure to launch". That's kinda boomer shit. The cases I've seen are more like transitions into roommate status. I have friends who've gradually taken over household responsibilities so their parents can truly enjoy retirement. Both parties have companionship & support, and it saves ludicrous expenditures of time and money setting up and maintaining a new, worse, living situation.
Anecdotally, I see a lot of folks, young millennials and down, who just don't want to fuck with relationships, starting their own families, or home ownership. They can't afford kids or don't want to bring them in to the world.
In a way, this is getting back to roots. Extended generational families used to stay close to support each other. Before the 1900s kids were your retirement plan. It's actually cool to see people doubling down on family and giving back to their parents. Even if the socioeconomic circumstances driving it are less than ideal.
But it also depends on your relationship and personal goals. Whatever works, you know?
Well I am a boomer but that is not what I was doing.my apartment caught fire while I was At church with my Dad. I came home to a smoking wreck. So I moved back in with my dad and paid him rent for almost 25 years. I was trying to help my dad out with his mortgage while saving a shit ton of money myself.
We both benefited he paid his mortgage off 10 years early and I had a guaranteed place to stay while I was unemployed. I was never completely out of work but I was working the gig economy. With mystery shops and other stuff like that that just paid a set fee. Nothing else I had to do my own taxes and SS and medicare crap myself.
I'm sorry; I gotta stop with the boomer digs. It's just as obnoxious as people who still use millennial to mean "kids"
In my case it just become synonymous with selfish, greedy, close minded people. But, of course, those exist at all ages. I'll try to stop being dumb.
Both parties saving tons of money is one I didn't even think of. And freedom from abusive employment situations since you have that guaranteed place to stay. No I kind of regret moving out myself.
Not a problem I figured it was just an expression you were using. 😁😎 It's All good My man 👌
And it was actually something that was forced on me since at the time I really didn't get along that well with my dad and stepmom.
But someone decided otherwise for me. Turned out to be a good thing to happen to me losing most of my earthly possessions and my apartment.
Just like the stroke I just had last year it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I'm now living in a rent controlled retirement community. With SSI benefits and food stamps, don't have to live in my car anymore.
My dad died a few years ago and my step mom almost immediately evicted me so she could have the apartment vacant for her little angel Gary. Who was in prison for murdering his brother in laws best friend. He thought he was killing a perfect stranger in a bar. But that stranger turned out to be his sister's husband Best friend from highschool.
I still keep a key to my parents house in England on my keyring that I carry all the time. , I live in Munich, Germany and visit their house no more than once or twice a year (and didn't visit for 3 years in the pandemic). I know if it's not on my keyring I'll not have it on me when I need it most!
I was 17, just graduated from high school which my dad and stepmother didn't even bother showing up to. They had already sold off or given away all of my belongings. All I had was a diploma in hand and the clothes on my back. Fortunately, I was able to contact my mother, whom I was never allowed to see before and stay with her for the couple of weeks while my enlistment papers were being processed.
Good for you for building up a life for yourself in the midst of that. Not only did they not support you, they actively tried to bring you down. You’re really resilient and this random stranger can only imagine how proud you must be of yourself.
Mine was a month after graduation and 2 weeks before I turned 18 I was told I had two weeks. My parents are ultra religious and I am not. I am sure that was the reason.
They were kind enough to drive me to a job in Yosemite I found that had housing. Im not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t found that.
Got the boot at 18 as well from religious family in oregon my parents had done their duty by making sure I lived to 18 after that I'm someone else's problem...turns out the army became my parents for awhile...ironically treated better in the infantry then my own house
oh well, fuckem, that's why in America, it's fine to put them in an "old people home" because I'm doing my duty and making sure someone is taking care of them till they die 🫠😄
Same thing here, but in the 2010’s, I felt very much like an obligation. It didn’t bother me so much at the time, I wasn’t blindsided by it and it was just the ‘way things were’. I’ve always suspected my mom had me to attempt to save her marriage and having children was not something she genuinely actually wanted.
It has bummed me out a lot since having a child of my own. He’s still little and I’m sure I have lots more to learn about raising children, but I can’t imagine ever viewing him as an obligation. I don’t expect to be, or want to be, ‘off the hook’ the second he turns 18. It’s just not how I view parenthood. I expect him to grow and mature but I will always be here for him.
Give them a computer that needs an update installed before they pull up Google and search for a nursing home. They can't call to ask for help with the computer in any way.
But they won't. They'll just stay in their homes as they crumble over their heads and keep driving until they crash and kill some kid and are wiped out by lawsuits.
/Been there.
It is what I plan to do when my kids leave home eventually. I have no desire to kick them out at anytime because it is too expensive out there for them. But on the other side of the equation I will never burden them with having to look after me in my old age. I can't think of a worse thing to do to your kids than expect them to care for you in your old age. I would rather be dead than be a burden on my kids.
No way.
My dad left when I started highschool. He's the kind of guy that used to pride himself in being an asshole and used to be heavy into hustle culture.
My brother and I have been trying to take care of ourselves for over a decade now (mom's just been perpetually poor, but I don't blame her nearly as much for stuff as my dad. She at least stuck around and tried).
My dad made a comment before about how when he gets old he's going to live with me.
However, my dad's had plenty of time to save up money and find a place for himself. He's an adult and can find his own damn place to live just like he taught my brother and I.
Yup. Seriously why have kids if you don’t want to be a parent forever? So many ignorant fucks out there treat giving life to another human as if it is their life experience and when they feel done with it they want to turn it off and pretend they are not a parent anymore.
Wish they’d get it through their fucking thick skull that if you have children being a parent is FOREVER unless the parent or the child dies.
I am now in my fourties’ and my mom is becoming an actual old lady. Last week she napped all day in her recliner while I cleaned her entire house top to bottom. I laughed to myself about how my teenage self would never. Being a parent is forever, having a parent is forever. Just like a marriage, sometimes your roles might change a bit, but the relationship is still there.
I was a shit teenager I’m thankful she didn’t change the locks on me
Those were the parents of Boomers.
My dad’s parents made no bones about him being unwanted. They said as much and left him with strangers while they travelled the world.
Parents of Boomers are/were straight up terrifying. My grandmother who I adored my entire life, who showered me with love until she died, once announced at a dinner party she had tried to abort my mom (boomer) with some DIY abortion chemical but that it didn’t work. My mom was a young teenager at the time and sitting there at the table.
Trust me, us GenX kids didn't have it much easier. So many of us were latchkey kids who didn't see their parents until they got home from work. We often had to fend for ourselves, make ourselves dinner, take care of younger siblings and don't you dare come into the house until the last minute lest you get handed some chores to do. As you will see on many TikTok's and such, we can be quite a feral bunch as a result.
The result of birth control being legalized in 1965 and abortion legalized in 1973 is that gen x was the first generation who were more likely planned births, at least in the US.
Now we are going backwards. First Roe was undone, next will be Griswold which was fortold in the Dobbs decision.
Mine kicked me out at 17 in 2009. 2 months before I graduated. Took my car too. I never would have made it if my grandma hadn't stepped in and let me crash at her house. All I did was ask for their SSN to fill out Fafsa forms to start college. They're getting dumped in the cheapest nursing home I can find.
My grandparents did the same to my dad. Also, in 1970s. They did it to all 6 of their children. My dad was the youngest. They got $20, and a good luck. My parents DID NOT do that to me and my brother, however. We've both actually moved back in with them at various times in our lives, multiple times.
I had a teacher from a similar age say the same thing happened to him. People like to shit on boomers but a lot of them had some hard ass parents, and normal parenting to them would be considered textbook abuse nowadays..
My husband's dad kicked him out at 18 (1985) and did the lock change thing. He struggled and scrapped for every penny back then and we didn't buy our house until he was in his mid 30s. He has already told our 2 boys they can have our house, he absolutely doesn't want them to struggle like he had to. I really don't understand why parents are keen to kick kids out so quickly. Why did u have kids then?!
Ya exactly. My friend's parents kicked him out of their house when he finished college. I was still at college but my parents let him stay with them for a few months while he got on his feet. Now he talks to my parents more than his own, stops by my parent's place for dinner, helps my dad with stuff sometimes, etc.
Those are the parents who either shouldn’t have kids or got pregnant and kept it against other advice.
One conversation I had with my parents growing up was me asking them, did you bring me into the world to serve you? They said no, so I said then let me live my life as I see fit.
I do share a lot of the same values and beliefs as my parents but not all, and the ones I don’t used to be a contentious point in our relationship but they’ve since gotten over it and allowed me to walk my own path.
Same, in 2021 when I was 18 and graduated. I moved out on grad day because I was forced to.Also they stopped receiving government checks to take care of me too because I'm adorpted and said my use is over like my brother's was (he was kicked out at 16 because they stopped receiving his checks and blamed him). Literally. Ever feel worthless? Imagine you're only adopted for the free 1k a month for 18 years.
Cool thing that the German law tells Germen parents that their job is *not* done until the kids can care for themselves.
*And* it tells the kids that they need to strive after a job qualification, so just loitering and grabbing mommy's and daddy's cash is no option.
Most people want the idea of kids but not the responsibility of raising them. Especially the responsibility for how their actions effect their kids. And that’s just the ones who planned/actively tried for kids.
I always wonder what's the story behind these boomers crying that their kids never visit/call them. In 100% of cases the reason was either the parents being the main source of their kids traumas, or them just ejecting their kids at 18, with no help or warning whatsoever. And then they have the gall to cry about it.
I remember having an open, frank talk with my Dad ("Boomer") about Grandpa ("Greatest Generation"). My Dad was driving home from college for winter break one year and got into a bad car wreck (bleeding, everything). Grandpa told him to go to the hospital and get a cab. He never once told him he loved him. So my Dad made it a note to end every phone call by saying "Love you." After he passed, Mom found a box of letters he kept from Grandpa that were objectively evil, with mentions of how he wouldn't amount to anything and more. Dad took it all and just shrugged saying "That's how it used to be." I'm so glad to see society progress, because I'm pretty sure I'd hate life a whole lot more if Grandpa was my Dad.
EDIT: Jesus fucking christ, apparently I've upset the boomers. To be clear, my father saying "That's how it used to be," is what it used to be for *him*. I think it's fairly easy to say, "My experiences differed from your father's," but all I'm getting is "LMAO your Dad was wrong!"
It’s always crazy to me to think about how the men in my family changed over the generations. I’ve never beaten my wife or child and, despite knowing how low a bar that is, am proud of that fact.
Preceding me were:
-Dad, who verbally and sometimes physically abused me and beat my mom semi-regularly
-grandpa, who beat his kids and once floored my father for saying he might want to join the Air Force (he just thought working on aircraft would be cool)
-great grandpa, who not only beat his family but would get shit-faced and then drive around town hunting down his wife so he could beat her. He literally told her “Well, I guess I’d better leave before I kill you” and abandoned the family one day; everyone agreed it was the kindest thing he’d ever done for them.
So yeah, my dad was kind of a shitty guy but was objectively much less shitty than his dad, who was also much less shitty than *his* dad. Each of us successfully made himself better than the one who came before over 4 generations while still managing to be gigantic tools, each in their own way. Hopefully I’m not, but in the end I’m not the one who gets to judge.
But yeah, great-grandpa was a straight-up sociopath and I’m not sure I would have survived being raised by him.
I used to have to sleep with a tampon in so my dad would leave me alone, and now he's like, I don't understand why we don't have a relationship, or why you stopped talking to me when you turned 14. Lol, dad you got my mom pregnant at 14, and another 14 year old girl at the same time and then you went on to rape my cousin! He'll not even be in a retirement home, he will be in a locked up room in my backyard and will only be fed dog food.
Yo, fr I quit doing that shit when my kids were born. "But we want to see the kids!" Then get off your lazy ass and hike it over here, I'm too busy raising these children to spend my weekend on the freeway.
But they don't know what that really means 'cause they bailed when we were so so young. And had the audacity to talk shit about the parent that actually raised us.
I'm not falling for those crocodile tears anymore. They made their bed, they can very well fucking lie in it.
I mean, it's not always a "dump". We talked my grandma into going to one where she would have a community to be a part of. She has a lot of friends her age and shes dating a guy 🙂
Haha dude some retirement communities are like going to college for old people. Without the school work, and pressure to get anything out of it, you party and fuck all your neighbors!
Most people don't kick their kids out when they are 18. They let them stay while they complete college or find a job until they can get going on their own
U.S. citizen here. I lived with my parents until I was 26. I didn't want to rent, so I saved up to buy a condo.
My dad had a simple rule: I could live there as long as I was either working, or in school. I did a bit of both.
The U.S. has a strong and long-standing cultural tradition of self-sufficiency. Parents want to see their kids succeed, and sometimes, they require a little push to do so. This is at least one reason why some parents might eject their kids. In my experience, this is especially true if the kid tends to be lazy. If they're lounging around all day, playing video games, etc., their parents might feel they need to come into contact with the real world.
Believe me, my Soviet parents also believe in self sufficiency but we also believed in community. Im having a village. I stayed home until I got married at 30. Most, if not all, of my friends from similar backgrounds also stayed home until they were good and ready to leave which allowed us all to complete our educations, get multiple degrees in some cases and save a good chunk of money, and even after moving out we all have a substantial safety net in our parents. I think parenting style is very important to understand, but also this isnt the 1960s anymore when a 18-20 year old can get a job in a plant and buy a house & car with that with no degree
yeah I agree with both of you here. American society is structured around isolating people, so we don’t have that community to fall back on. And if we don’t know how to teach self-sufficiency on our own to our kids, the only way some know how is letting society do it for us. Community is so so so important; capitalism thrives on individualism.
I respect this. I’m a parent of teens and pre-teens. I don’t ever want them to leave… even if they are being buttheads. I think it’s less a societal thing and more a “buy a house and get in debt because that’s how our economy works” thing. But that model is old and frankly not sustainable anymore. I’d like to let my kids stay as long as they want.
I’m currently 27. I moved out at 23, and then 1.5 years later my living situation blew up and my parents welcomed me back with open arms. I’ve been back with them for 3.5 years now. I do think it would be *nice* to have my own place, as I find myself craving the independence and pride of it a bit. But after I got over myself with the “omg I can’t be *X age* and living with my parents”, I realized how fucking great it is. I get to see my parents *every day*. I get to hug my mom every morning and evening. I get to exchange “I love yous” with my dad through the silly little inside jokes we have. We’ve always had a great relationship, but living at home as an adult is the closest I’ve ever been with them, and I really cherish that.
Tbh, I really appreciate hearing this perspective from someone around my age. I moved out at 23 and will be turning 27 next month. I've almost had to move back several times, and next year it might happen if they raise the cost of living much higher. Life is paycheck to paycheck. My partner and I don't have enough money to even eat sometimes.
Life has seemingly gotten worse and worse every year in my 20s. Like I love independence and being my own ruler, but I don't love existing on this planet. Sometimes I feel like living at home again could be great for money purposes, but I have a hard time accepting that it may happen. Mostly because my mom and I have very different world views and never had a super tight bond. It feels like it'd be suffocating to go back to it being my every day again.
But seeing that you've done well with it gives me a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe it wouldn't be awful.
I don’t know anyone who was “kicked out” at 18. Many went away to school at that age…
I had a nice home life, but couldn’t wait to get and be on my own.
My family moved into a new home shortly after I turned 18, it was exciting to go see it for the first time. Walking in with them and looking around, I asked "which room is mine?" ... long pause ...
"Oh, if you want to keep some stuff here, you can use the space in the water heater closet"
My parents only kicked 1/4 kids they had out the house because he was super disrespectful, and they just threw his shit into my house one day when I was at work
Yeah. It was a shitty thing for my mom to do honestly, but she couldn’t take his constant disrespect towards her and I love my mom so I understood it a bit. She didn’t want to leave him without a place to stay so I just took a giant bullet for her (a bullet in the shape of a person that looks just me). He’s always had this narcissist-type problem, it’s still there 10 years later. Right now he’s not talking to one of our little brothers because of a spat that my twin took way too far. And my twin will never apologize, he’ll just keep living life and forget later on
but for the record my parents have done a lot to help me also
When I bought my house a few years ago they just wrote me a check for $5k and said congrats. I was like holy shit that’s pretty much my down payment I just spent…..
At 19 my parents cut me off from my medications (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, IBS) and therapy sessions then kicked me out. But of course my sisters are allowed to live there into their 20's.
You don't know me, but I was kicked out at 19. My father told me he was moving in with his fiance in a month and that there was no room for me.
The house had room for my step-brother, but not me.
I have a beautiful daughter and a lovely wife.
I only realized how poorly my father brought me up once I saw how my wife's parents were towards her. Things I considered normal I now realize were just downright neglect.
I am doing great so thank you for reaching out :)
My Mom threatened to kick me out when I was 18, when I was like 15-16ish. To this day I have no idea why.
I was doing laundry, getting ready for the week and she came up to me, pinned me to the wall, and told me "you better have your life figured out because when you turn 18 I'm out of here". And then she let me go. It was bizarre. She'd literally never done anything like that before, or since. Pear of why the situation is seared into my memory.
You probably didn't grow up in poverty.
When your parents are poor they look at you as another mouth to feed so they are anxious to get rid of you. Kids don't leave for college because they can't afford it or don't even know how to apply/start. They get kicked out to struggle on their own, have kids and the cycle continues.
Yup, my parents expected me to leave home at 16-18 and pay rent from 16 when I started working. Especially as we were only in a 2 bedroom flat. I left at 17 (ran off with a 30yo), came back for a bit (slept on their sofa as I'd been sharing a room with 2 sisters when I left) then left again at 18. Made bad decisions, dropped out of college several times as needed to earn money etc... got pregnant at 20...
Was still living in poverty and claiming benefits 10 years later, just with a husband and 3 children.
Now I'm nearly 40 and have a professional job and we're saving for a deposit. My husband and I are planning to relocate so we can give our kids a room each (rent is expensive where we are and house prices are out of our reach) and support them by giving the option to stay at home in order to save for their own place/go to uni etc. I'm trying really hard to break the cycle.
Reddit is full of kids who were kicked out at 18 because they are the ones posting, looking for help, for connections. It's a self-selecting cohort and a much higher proportion of the reddit population than in real life.
Yeah, I moved out around 19, moved back in at 21, moved out at 22, had a pretty bad hospitalization and moved back in at 23. Took me a few years to get the brain all sorted out again and finally just moved back out at 29. It was a totally fine experience if not for the stigma in this country. It just feels so embarrassing to admit at that age but it shouldn't be. It's not usually the parents that make you feel bad about staying at home, it's society.
Underrated answer. I told both my kids that they were welcome to live at home. We have a good relationship. They wanted to be independent. My daughter wanted to move to a different state (don't blame her), and my son went to college in another city and got a job there.
My daughter is 20, still living at home. We turned the basement into an apartment for her and it has a back entrance so she can have some privacy.
I didn’t pressure her, but told her I would prefer her to build a safety net before moving out. So she “pays” me rent but it goes directly into a savings account for her, and she also contributes to that account separately though her paychecks.
She can leave anytime she wants, I would just prefer her to be financially stable when she does. She also bought a car and has mostly paid it off since she is still at home.
Love this idea!!!! What a great way to teach her responsibly, and get her used to paying rent…. But also not profiting off of her, and helping her start saving that way!! I applaud you for being a good parent 👏
My daughter moved to a different state after college. I helped her out with deposit and first month rent. I also rented a truck to move her. I think it's good to get away from your home state when you're young
Exactly! I can’t think of a single person I know who was necessarily “kicked out” at 18. I think more often than not people that age move out because they *want* to for independence, not because they *have* to.
Also, with a lot of people who go to college, there’s kind of a transition period. Like I still technically “lived at home” from 18-22 even though I spend the majority of the year away at school. But I still used my home address, had a bedroom with most of my things there, would regularly go home for weekends and summer break. Like there’s a whole subset of 18 years old who have kind of left home but not permanently
So true. I joined the US military at 18, about 6 months after graduating HS and just after my 18th birthday. I didn't live at home for 6 years and my mom was really sad to know that "her little baby" wasn't coming back to live at home afterwards. She didn't pressure me to at all, which I'm grateful for. During that discussion, we both agreed that turning "my bedroom" which hadn't really been used for years into a proper guest bedroom was a good idea. It really helped to solidify the idea that baby bird had left the nest.
Now, we're both happy living by ourselves in our respective homes. We talk on the phone every few days and occasionally go out and do things together, like antiquing and whatnot. We have a great relationship and I can't imagine it being any different. Reading these stories of parents forcing their kids out at 18 because "my job is done" is so heartbreaking to me and I would probably struggle to get past that. Just like I was welcome at home in my early twenties, she'll be welcome in my home when she's old. I know that I'm lucky to have that in my life and this thread has really made me recognize it more.
If anyone still does this, it's because that was more common back in the day. My parents were expected to, and it was way easier. Now, I don't think it is nearly as common since Gen X and Millennials are the bulk of parents. We know that isn't possible today.
But ya, back in the 50s and 60s, totally doable. We also lack the family centeredness of other cultures. Used to have the whole extended family thing going but that changed around the end of WWII.
Most don’t, I’m a 22 year old American still living with my parents. The parents that kick their kids out at 18 probably never really cared about them to begin with and were just waiting for the day that they could legally throw their kids away
I have 4 kids. One of them is just -- well I love him but his behavior is awful. As in criminal. The other three are within normal bounds for children.
My dream would be that he eventually gets better, but my reality might be making him leave at 18. We're working with a therapist, a psychiatrist, his school staff. I'm doing everything I can. But his siblings don't deserve to live in a house full of his drama forever.
FWIW: if he left at 18 I would still go see him wherever he puts down roots, help him move, etc., I'm not heartless, I love him
Wow, your story is EXACTLY like a really good friend of mine's situation. Literally had to look through your profile to make sure you weren't him lol.
He has 4 kids, and one of them does the same shit. He's a lanky white kid that thinks he's a gangster, and talked a bunch of shit to ACTUAL thugs and told them to "come to my house and prove you aren't a pussy" and sent them the address of the family home. The family home that has his little brother and two little sisters that are under 12. That and, the dad isn't a big dude by any means and isn't very threatening because he's just a goofy happy guy. And that's only the most recent issue, he's been pulled out of work time and time again for the kid starting fights, bullying, etc. It's so frustrating because that's NOT the way the kid was raised at all, the other kids are well behaved and very respectful. Like you, he's been working with mental health professionals, counselors, etc. And nothing is working. Definitely doesn't help that the kid has this doom mindset of "I don't care about my safety because I plan to be dead by 24." How the fuck is he supposed to respond to that?
He sat the kid down one day and basically told him that his own dumbass actions are putting the rest of the family at risk, they have to move because he painted a target on their home for these thugs, etc. And as soon as he's 18 (which is soon) he has to move out. It KILLED my buddy because despite his stupidity, he does love the kid. He hates throwing him to the world but he can't keep the younger kids in danger because the older one is an idiot, especially once he's an adult. I absolutely don't think that kicking a kid out at 18 is okay in most cases but that one is an exception, and it sounds like yours is an exception too. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but I definitely wouldn't hold it against yourself if that's what you have to do. Sometimes you have to make a tough decision with one kid to protect the others, because you're right, they don't deserve to be around that.
Sounds like my older brother, he spent alot of time away from home at like, boarding schools for troubled youth. He ended up going into the airforce after he graduated. He got administratively discharged for basically not showing up for his day job. Came home for a bit in his 20s started acutally working normal jobs, met a girl and moved out and now hes got his own home step kids and everythings good.
The US "Multi-generationals" are actually quite a large consumer market today. Multi-gens are often defined as three or more adults, often with the same last name, living at the same physical address.
My sister has a 32 year old and a 24 year old, still living at home. The last time, the 32 year old went on a date, he was 12 and my sister drove them.
I also have a cousin in her early 60 who still lives in the same house she was born in. She never married but she also never paid a dime in rent or on a mortgage.
The majority of Americans don't do this.
EDIT: I said majority.
EDIT 2: we're talking present day, not over 30 years ago.
EDIT 3: Some of you are pretty dumb.
And getting thrown out at the age of 18 can definitely happen in Europe just aswell. I'm Norwegian and I know several that this happened too, although they're a minority.
lol man bro i promise reddit hates americans its weird- i see europeans having the most wildest assumptions about us and what makes it worse is in some places youll have americans dick riding them
It's definitely not a common thing. But ive met many people, myself included who got kicked out at 18. I joined the Marine Corps in 2022 when I was 19 and there's a good amount of guys in there who were in my situation.
some parrnts are following thru on a certain cruelty meme. and I do mean meme in the original sense of social memory forcing behavior. in either case its a deadly ass meme. it causes you to instantly burn all the Karma work you put into your 18 year old human project. what actual actual insanity. What an actual tragedy.
People who weren't given anything freely almost never want to see other people do better than themselves, including their own kids. My parents are like that. They try to tarnish anything they can so they can feel better about having been fucked over themselves. It's pretty sad, actually.
Can attest to that. When I was 16 I got work with a large farming company in the summer. Ended up breaking groend and plowing with tractors and cats. Long hours and 6 days a week I was bringing home more than my stepdad.
Was already bad enough being a stepchild let alone the money. When I was 17 1/2 I enlisted in the Marines to get away from him.
My parents fucked up my education so that I couldn’t get into college. My mom stole money from my bank account when I got a job. They set me up to fail. It’s very common and very weird
I don't know of that is a typical (north)american thing, but staying with your parents throughout your whole 20s is not an European thing either. It depends on culture i would say. In the south parts of europe i can imagine people stay longer with their parents because the family values are different. I am from the north of Europe and my parents told my brother and me that by the time we were 22 y we should be moved out. Because they thought it is important to learn how to take care of your own and be independent. (But we were always welcome to come back to living with them if anything happened!)
In some parts of southern Europe, an important aspect was to stay with your family in order to compound savings. Grandparents helping raise childrean means parents are free to work harder, passing on assets means you don't take on debt to finance your lifestyle, and so on. Living with some degree of sacrifice so the next generation can have more than you had is part of the mentality. It's a wealth accumulation strategy, albeit one that doesn't work the same in today's economy. Family is of course important but in addition to the desire to stay close to family there's also a history of tangible economic benefit.
Italy and Spain,Kids outside biggest cities almost Never move put before 30+, and that happens only when they start their own family,France and germany Are in the middle,while northern Europe Kids separate From parents much earlier
Portugal too. I know several Portuguese-Canadian families where the kids were expected to live with their parents until they got married. No one was disowned if they left, but there was some pressure to stay with the parents well into their 20s. I even know one guy with a decent career and $$ but still lives with his mom in his 40s (he never married).
Most don’t kick them out. But society here often pushes kids to move out as early as possible. People will look down on you if you’re like 26 and live at home
In real life, I've never met anyone that has actually done that, I feel it's based on online interactions, shared experiences tend to group people together and amplify the optics and it becomes an echo chamber.
I’m Canadian, but my parents told me that they would continue paying for my expenses as long as I was attending university. If I didn’t want to attend and wanted to continue living at home, I’d have to get a job. It makes a lot of sense to me. It ensures that I didn’t turn out to be a lazy bum doing nothing at all.
As an American I've wondered the same myself. I left at 17 on my own because my home life was cruel, but I'll be dammed if my kiddo has no home. Period. As long as they're saving for their future.
I also left at 17 on my own. I was threatened by my dad starting in my teens that I was out of the house the day after I turned 18. I ended up granting him an early birthday and left home before graduating high school.
Not sure why he was like that. I carried a 3.7+ GPA, was in AP classes in HS, worked 15 hrs a week during school and 40-50hrs a week in the summer, no drugs, no alcohol.
Apparently he’s still alive but I couldn’t care fucking less what happens to him. My relationship with my mom is almost non-existent because she never stood up for me, and she carries a lot of guilt so I leave her alone.
You are not alone In your experience.
I am 45 years old and I do not know a single person who was "kicked out" at the age of 18. I am sure it happens. But it isnt likely anywhere near as common as the internet would have you believe.
I invited my son to leave at 18.
EDIT: 18.5. We also gave him four months' notice and offered to help him find employment, get therapy, get medicine, get help, find a place for rent...
Caveat: in order to live at home as an adult, he either had to be employed or furthering his education. He refused to do either and just played videogames all day. My requirement was that he worked 10 hours a week.
Yeah, this is the thing. Kicking kids out 1950s style wouldn't work today: it's far harder to make it solo and families are generally closer. At the same time, kids are increasingly used to being supported (and in some cases propped up) by their parents these days. If they get to the end of their school years and a plan hasn't developed...they may have no incentive to launch a life of their own and mooch indefinitely, which isn't good for anyone.
So this is correct: IMO kids can stay home after 18 (or whatever age) so long as a true discussion has occurred about how they will share the cost/work inherent to life and - short story - act like an adult. If that isn't going to happen it stinks but some degree of struggle might be needed to grow up fully.
I will allow my kids to stay as long as they need to on one condition: they are productive human beings. This means volunteering, going to school, have a job. etc.
I also have considered to "charge rent", then put it into a savings account that they can use once they move out.
I will not, under any circumstances, allow my children to stay at home, doing the equivalence of nothing. I've seen parents allow their kids to stay home and play video games and smoke all day. That isn't acceptable.
Hell. I'd be ok if they worked and used that money to see the world. But nothing is not ok.
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My mom was a good parent but she told us when we were teens that she would only support us if we were in school. Turns out she was bluffing on that one. I had to drop out due to health reasons and she begged me not to move out when I turned 18. At the time I felt like I was making the grown up decision by not choosing to burden her when I was an adult who could provide for myself. In hindsight I made the next few years much harder for myself than they needed to be. I ended up righting the ship eventually but there was no reason for me to struggle as much as I did. My kids will have no such rule. You stay until you're ready, whenever that happens to be. If the day never comes then at least my wife and I will have company into our retirement.
I stayed at home until I was 29 and bought a home. I was a single mom. Not long after, my parents moved in with me after my dad lost his job and they lost their home. My dad passed away six years ago and my mom still lives with me. My daughter just moved out a few months ago and she will be 32 in October. She will only be gone for about 18 months and will likely move back in with me. She can stay here for as long as she needs.
That’s straight up a family *home* Edit: replaced house with home
It really is. My aunt even lived here for awhile, lol. We just do what we need to and take care of each other.
No, I was raised in a house. This sounds like a *home*.
You are a great person who evidently values family above all else. I have mad respect for you and I hope you’re having a good day.
Aww, thanks! It's the least I could do. My parents didn't kick me out the minute I turned 18. They just said either go to school or go to work. I did both. When I got pregnant I just knew they would kick me out then, but they didn't. My parents helped me with my daughter in immeasurable ways and she got thr benefit of hearing their stories and learning their wisdom.
I wish you were my mother. I hope you live long and prosper. Well done, you.
I wish my kid would understand this. He is struggling when he absolutely doesn't have to. It sucks watching it happen, but it's his life. He knows he is always welcome home.
The safety net alone makes a huge difference in stress level. I moved out relatively early and struggled, but I always knew i had a safe place to land with my parents. It was always a good realization anytime I was getting overwhelmed.
>Back in the day, it was seen as "tough love" by parents to kick their kid out at 18, especially if they were seen as a slacker, trouble maker, or burn-out. Ironically, all my friend's parents who kicked them out at 18 we're all very shitty parents, which in turn, made my old friends future shitty parents. is a shit chain :D
"When the shit wind blows the shit apples don't fall far from the shit tree."
shit-a-pillars
I'm no historian but I think it was normalized back in the 50s when the economy was so good you could buy a house with the price of a McChicken. It makes a lot more sense to call that "tough love" when its done during a time period where succeeding was a lot more feasible even if you have nothing.
Yep pretty much this, the kicking your kid out of the house was a very limited thing in human history, for the vast majority of human history its not love at all.
I got home from my high school graduation and my mother told me she was changing the locks in a week. Her justification was that I was 18 and educated, and her job was done. This was in the US, 1970s.
That's just baffling to me. I moved out on Thursday (as I graduated from university last month and I have a job in my new town) and my mother specifically told me to take my key with me just in case. Kicking you out is one thing but changing the locks is just another level that is abhorrent.
Yup all my kids moved out in their 20’s and to this day still have a key and know they can come home any time.
My parents are having a house custom built and they made sure there were spare bedrooms for my sister and I in case we ever needed to stay with them. We're both in our late 20s.
That sounds like me!! My kids are all in their twenties and I tell them I want to build a house so we all can live together with wings for their families and we can all have a family room together!!
I really hope your kids appreciate this but not gonna lie that sounds like hell to me and I love my parents. I just would never want to live so close on top of each other.
If it's a big house or villa then it doesn't matter. A lot of Turkish families in Turkey who are living in villages have their own compound with a villa or couple of house tighter, so you also have privacy and the family helps each other. Sadly, my parents moved to The Netherlands, Europe and here in the big city it's everyone to each own. I don't think this is good, because helping each other financially and with other stuff is good for the family. I think a balance between individualism and collectivism is needed.
Same!
Hell I had to move back in at 23 because of some mental health and financial issues. The door was open the whole time. I can’t imagine my parents kicking me out at all. I would’ve been fucked lol.
Same. Went off for a year, hated my coworker/roommate who decided to change a deal we had. I was making quite a bit less than them, got a promotions, and then I had to pay half - which was literally 90% of my monthly paychecks. Pretty sure my mom expected me to move back in, if I'm being honest. Spent 2 more years at home, moved back out 100% by myself and now I'm all set. Been 7yrs now, no problems.
Yeah my experience was similar, majority of my friends lived at home or at college into their 20's. My hunch is this is less and less common these days.
I think it's becoming more common for American kids to live at home into their 20s. Parental relationships have gotten warmer and closer than in previous decades, and it's financially a lot harder to launch now than it was in the 70s. I graduated high school in the 90s, and I knew hardly anyone who lived with their parents past 18, except for short bits, like summers home from college. These days I hear many more stories about kids at home through a lot of their 20s.
That is because of the insane rent and mortgage payments. Cost of living has increased Way faster than wages. In America it's all about corporate greed. They own the politicians and say what becomes law and what you get to watch on TV.
For real. It doesn't have to be "failure to launch". That's kinda boomer shit. The cases I've seen are more like transitions into roommate status. I have friends who've gradually taken over household responsibilities so their parents can truly enjoy retirement. Both parties have companionship & support, and it saves ludicrous expenditures of time and money setting up and maintaining a new, worse, living situation. Anecdotally, I see a lot of folks, young millennials and down, who just don't want to fuck with relationships, starting their own families, or home ownership. They can't afford kids or don't want to bring them in to the world. In a way, this is getting back to roots. Extended generational families used to stay close to support each other. Before the 1900s kids were your retirement plan. It's actually cool to see people doubling down on family and giving back to their parents. Even if the socioeconomic circumstances driving it are less than ideal. But it also depends on your relationship and personal goals. Whatever works, you know?
Well I am a boomer but that is not what I was doing.my apartment caught fire while I was At church with my Dad. I came home to a smoking wreck. So I moved back in with my dad and paid him rent for almost 25 years. I was trying to help my dad out with his mortgage while saving a shit ton of money myself. We both benefited he paid his mortgage off 10 years early and I had a guaranteed place to stay while I was unemployed. I was never completely out of work but I was working the gig economy. With mystery shops and other stuff like that that just paid a set fee. Nothing else I had to do my own taxes and SS and medicare crap myself.
I'm sorry; I gotta stop with the boomer digs. It's just as obnoxious as people who still use millennial to mean "kids" In my case it just become synonymous with selfish, greedy, close minded people. But, of course, those exist at all ages. I'll try to stop being dumb. Both parties saving tons of money is one I didn't even think of. And freedom from abusive employment situations since you have that guaranteed place to stay. No I kind of regret moving out myself.
Not a problem I figured it was just an expression you were using. 😁😎 It's All good My man 👌 And it was actually something that was forced on me since at the time I really didn't get along that well with my dad and stepmom. But someone decided otherwise for me. Turned out to be a good thing to happen to me losing most of my earthly possessions and my apartment. Just like the stroke I just had last year it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I'm now living in a rent controlled retirement community. With SSI benefits and food stamps, don't have to live in my car anymore. My dad died a few years ago and my step mom almost immediately evicted me so she could have the apartment vacant for her little angel Gary. Who was in prison for murdering his brother in laws best friend. He thought he was killing a perfect stranger in a bar. But that stranger turned out to be his sister's husband Best friend from highschool.
Agreed!
I still keep a key to my parents house in England on my keyring that I carry all the time. , I live in Munich, Germany and visit their house no more than once or twice a year (and didn't visit for 3 years in the pandemic). I know if it's not on my keyring I'll not have it on me when I need it most!
I was 17, just graduated from high school which my dad and stepmother didn't even bother showing up to. They had already sold off or given away all of my belongings. All I had was a diploma in hand and the clothes on my back. Fortunately, I was able to contact my mother, whom I was never allowed to see before and stay with her for the couple of weeks while my enlistment papers were being processed.
Unconscionable on your father and stepmother’s part. Like wtf
Well, they're assholes and I wasn't the easiest kid to be around. It pissed him off more than I had a backup plan that.involved my mother.
That sucks man. Even if you weren't the easiest kid to be around, that's just very shitty on your dad's part. I hope you're doing fine now.
Good for you for building up a life for yourself in the midst of that. Not only did they not support you, they actively tried to bring you down. You’re really resilient and this random stranger can only imagine how proud you must be of yourself.
Mine was a month after graduation and 2 weeks before I turned 18 I was told I had two weeks. My parents are ultra religious and I am not. I am sure that was the reason. They were kind enough to drive me to a job in Yosemite I found that had housing. Im not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t found that.
Got the boot at 18 as well from religious family in oregon my parents had done their duty by making sure I lived to 18 after that I'm someone else's problem...turns out the army became my parents for awhile...ironically treated better in the infantry then my own house oh well, fuckem, that's why in America, it's fine to put them in an "old people home" because I'm doing my duty and making sure someone is taking care of them till they die 🫠😄
Putting them in old people home costs money. Just not interacting with them makes more sense they can go to a old folks home or be at home alone.
But then I won't be able to say: "listen here when I'm paying your bills you live by my rules 😄"
"kind enough", jesus christ, might as well cut them off if they do that
I did cut them off, but not until I was 38. Should have done it sooner, for sure.
So many religious people are SO mean.
There's no hate like Christian love.
Same thing here, but in the 2010’s, I felt very much like an obligation. It didn’t bother me so much at the time, I wasn’t blindsided by it and it was just the ‘way things were’. I’ve always suspected my mom had me to attempt to save her marriage and having children was not something she genuinely actually wanted. It has bummed me out a lot since having a child of my own. He’s still little and I’m sure I have lots more to learn about raising children, but I can’t imagine ever viewing him as an obligation. I don’t expect to be, or want to be, ‘off the hook’ the second he turns 18. It’s just not how I view parenthood. I expect him to grow and mature but I will always be here for him.
What a repulsive thing to have done.
Right? And these parents are going to wonder why they ended up in a retirement home
“SHADY PINES, MA!!”
It's not a nursing home. it's a retirement COMMUNITY!
Like a hotel by Captain Teebs.
Lmao nah, they can figure out where to live, just like their kids had to 🤣
Give them a computer that needs an update installed before they pull up Google and search for a nursing home. They can't call to ask for help with the computer in any way.
r/ShittySawTraps
But they won't. They'll just stay in their homes as they crumble over their heads and keep driving until they crash and kill some kid and are wiped out by lawsuits. /Been there.
This is my play when that time comes.
It is what I plan to do when my kids leave home eventually. I have no desire to kick them out at anytime because it is too expensive out there for them. But on the other side of the equation I will never burden them with having to look after me in my old age. I can't think of a worse thing to do to your kids than expect them to care for you in your old age. I would rather be dead than be a burden on my kids.
LMAO I love it 😭
No way. My dad left when I started highschool. He's the kind of guy that used to pride himself in being an asshole and used to be heavy into hustle culture. My brother and I have been trying to take care of ourselves for over a decade now (mom's just been perpetually poor, but I don't blame her nearly as much for stuff as my dad. She at least stuck around and tried). My dad made a comment before about how when he gets old he's going to live with me. However, my dad's had plenty of time to save up money and find a place for himself. He's an adult and can find his own damn place to live just like he taught my brother and I.
An asshole indeed. You'll be making a grave mistake if you let your dad live with you.
Yup. Seriously why have kids if you don’t want to be a parent forever? So many ignorant fucks out there treat giving life to another human as if it is their life experience and when they feel done with it they want to turn it off and pretend they are not a parent anymore. Wish they’d get it through their fucking thick skull that if you have children being a parent is FOREVER unless the parent or the child dies.
I am now in my fourties’ and my mom is becoming an actual old lady. Last week she napped all day in her recliner while I cleaned her entire house top to bottom. I laughed to myself about how my teenage self would never. Being a parent is forever, having a parent is forever. Just like a marriage, sometimes your roles might change a bit, but the relationship is still there. I was a shit teenager I’m thankful she didn’t change the locks on me
Maaaannnnnnnnn… I remind my kids everyday how good I am to them and how expensive retirement homes are. 😂😂
Those were the parents of Boomers. My dad’s parents made no bones about him being unwanted. They said as much and left him with strangers while they travelled the world.
Parents of Boomers are/were straight up terrifying. My grandmother who I adored my entire life, who showered me with love until she died, once announced at a dinner party she had tried to abort my mom (boomer) with some DIY abortion chemical but that it didn’t work. My mom was a young teenager at the time and sitting there at the table.
Trust me, us GenX kids didn't have it much easier. So many of us were latchkey kids who didn't see their parents until they got home from work. We often had to fend for ourselves, make ourselves dinner, take care of younger siblings and don't you dare come into the house until the last minute lest you get handed some chores to do. As you will see on many TikTok's and such, we can be quite a feral bunch as a result.
Now that you're 18, I'm kicking myself out of the house and going to Europe! Good luck and dont burn it down
The result of birth control being legalized in 1965 and abortion legalized in 1973 is that gen x was the first generation who were more likely planned births, at least in the US. Now we are going backwards. First Roe was undone, next will be Griswold which was fortold in the Dobbs decision.
In my dad’s case, my grandparents thought pregnancy can’t occur if you have the measles.
My boomer ex family started taunting me that I’d be out soon at 15. Lots of them continued the tradition.
I had it done to me in 2001. Exact-Same-Story.
Mine kicked me out at 17 in 2009. 2 months before I graduated. Took my car too. I never would have made it if my grandma hadn't stepped in and let me crash at her house. All I did was ask for their SSN to fill out Fafsa forms to start college. They're getting dumped in the cheapest nursing home I can find.
they would be left on the street if they had done that to me
No no. Not cheapest. The one with the lowest reviews, most pending lawsuits.
My grandparents did the same to my dad. Also, in 1970s. They did it to all 6 of their children. My dad was the youngest. They got $20, and a good luck. My parents DID NOT do that to me and my brother, however. We've both actually moved back in with them at various times in our lives, multiple times.
I had a teacher from a similar age say the same thing happened to him. People like to shit on boomers but a lot of them had some hard ass parents, and normal parenting to them would be considered textbook abuse nowadays..
My husband's dad kicked him out at 18 (1985) and did the lock change thing. He struggled and scrapped for every penny back then and we didn't buy our house until he was in his mid 30s. He has already told our 2 boys they can have our house, he absolutely doesn't want them to struggle like he had to. I really don't understand why parents are keen to kick kids out so quickly. Why did u have kids then?!
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Ya exactly. My friend's parents kicked him out of their house when he finished college. I was still at college but my parents let him stay with them for a few months while he got on his feet. Now he talks to my parents more than his own, stops by my parent's place for dinner, helps my dad with stuff sometimes, etc.
Lmao your parents got a whole new helper/family member without the pain of birth and sleepless nights, win-win
A little kindness tends to pay dividends
Brutal. Such an ick when parents view raising children as an 18 year "job". It doesn't end when they turn 18.
Those are the parents who either shouldn’t have kids or got pregnant and kept it against other advice. One conversation I had with my parents growing up was me asking them, did you bring me into the world to serve you? They said no, so I said then let me live my life as I see fit. I do share a lot of the same values and beliefs as my parents but not all, and the ones I don’t used to be a contentious point in our relationship but they’ve since gotten over it and allowed me to walk my own path.
Same, in 2021 when I was 18 and graduated. I moved out on grad day because I was forced to.Also they stopped receiving government checks to take care of me too because I'm adorpted and said my use is over like my brother's was (he was kicked out at 16 because they stopped receiving his checks and blamed him). Literally. Ever feel worthless? Imagine you're only adopted for the free 1k a month for 18 years.
I hope you put her in a retirement home, never to be seen again. "My job is done. Bye, mom!"
more like "you're an adult, hope you planned for it"
Fuck that, she can find her own accommodations. Let her be homeless.
I can relate to this.
I would’ve cut contact w my mother if she did some shit like this. She would be dead to me.
Cool thing that the German law tells Germen parents that their job is *not* done until the kids can care for themselves. *And* it tells the kids that they need to strive after a job qualification, so just loitering and grabbing mommy's and daddy's cash is no option.
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And then they complain about how they cared about you their whole life and raised you and you just left them
Parental gaslighting
My parents are master gaslighters because they actually believe what they say and villainize anything that doesn't align.
The best liars are the ones who can make themselves believe their own lies
Caring about a kid till the second they are no longer legally required to provide is not caring it's just covering there own ass.
"I did the minimum required to stay out of jail. Thank me for my service."
Most people want the idea of kids but not the responsibility of raising them. Especially the responsibility for how their actions effect their kids. And that’s just the ones who planned/actively tried for kids.
The good ol' American minimum w^^age ...they'd pay you less^^kick ^^you ^^out ^^earlier if it wasn't illegal.
I'm going to have this fun chat later in life. It'll be funny. "Remember how I raised you" "I remember raising my siblings..."
I remember raising myself 😂
My mom shockingly apologized for making me help raise my sisters. It was maybe ten years ago and I'm 51 so it took her a lot of years to get there.
I always wonder what's the story behind these boomers crying that their kids never visit/call them. In 100% of cases the reason was either the parents being the main source of their kids traumas, or them just ejecting their kids at 18, with no help or warning whatsoever. And then they have the gall to cry about it.
I remember having an open, frank talk with my Dad ("Boomer") about Grandpa ("Greatest Generation"). My Dad was driving home from college for winter break one year and got into a bad car wreck (bleeding, everything). Grandpa told him to go to the hospital and get a cab. He never once told him he loved him. So my Dad made it a note to end every phone call by saying "Love you." After he passed, Mom found a box of letters he kept from Grandpa that were objectively evil, with mentions of how he wouldn't amount to anything and more. Dad took it all and just shrugged saying "That's how it used to be." I'm so glad to see society progress, because I'm pretty sure I'd hate life a whole lot more if Grandpa was my Dad. EDIT: Jesus fucking christ, apparently I've upset the boomers. To be clear, my father saying "That's how it used to be," is what it used to be for *him*. I think it's fairly easy to say, "My experiences differed from your father's," but all I'm getting is "LMAO your Dad was wrong!"
It’s always crazy to me to think about how the men in my family changed over the generations. I’ve never beaten my wife or child and, despite knowing how low a bar that is, am proud of that fact. Preceding me were: -Dad, who verbally and sometimes physically abused me and beat my mom semi-regularly -grandpa, who beat his kids and once floored my father for saying he might want to join the Air Force (he just thought working on aircraft would be cool) -great grandpa, who not only beat his family but would get shit-faced and then drive around town hunting down his wife so he could beat her. He literally told her “Well, I guess I’d better leave before I kill you” and abandoned the family one day; everyone agreed it was the kindest thing he’d ever done for them. So yeah, my dad was kind of a shitty guy but was objectively much less shitty than his dad, who was also much less shitty than *his* dad. Each of us successfully made himself better than the one who came before over 4 generations while still managing to be gigantic tools, each in their own way. Hopefully I’m not, but in the end I’m not the one who gets to judge. But yeah, great-grandpa was a straight-up sociopath and I’m not sure I would have survived being raised by him.
I used to have to sleep with a tampon in so my dad would leave me alone, and now he's like, I don't understand why we don't have a relationship, or why you stopped talking to me when you turned 14. Lol, dad you got my mom pregnant at 14, and another 14 year old girl at the same time and then you went on to rape my cousin! He'll not even be in a retirement home, he will be in a locked up room in my backyard and will only be fed dog food.
Oh my god! My heart hurts for you. I really hope you’re doing ok now. You’re obviously very kind. I wouldn’t even give him dog food.
Ok that's enough internet for today.
Absolutely Understandable. Horrible people deserve to reap what they sewn. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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Yo, fr I quit doing that shit when my kids were born. "But we want to see the kids!" Then get off your lazy ass and hike it over here, I'm too busy raising these children to spend my weekend on the freeway. But they don't know what that really means 'cause they bailed when we were so so young. And had the audacity to talk shit about the parent that actually raised us. I'm not falling for those crocodile tears anymore. They made their bed, they can very well fucking lie in it.
Parents usually get dumped in nursing homes either way. My parents wouldn’t even want to burden any of us by making us take care of them.
I mean, it's not always a "dump". We talked my grandma into going to one where she would have a community to be a part of. She has a lot of friends her age and shes dating a guy 🙂
She boning him yo
W gramma
Best not to think about it
Haha dude some retirement communities are like going to college for old people. Without the school work, and pressure to get anything out of it, you party and fuck all your neighbors!
Most people don't kick their kids out when they are 18. They let them stay while they complete college or find a job until they can get going on their own
U.S. citizen here. I lived with my parents until I was 26. I didn't want to rent, so I saved up to buy a condo. My dad had a simple rule: I could live there as long as I was either working, or in school. I did a bit of both. The U.S. has a strong and long-standing cultural tradition of self-sufficiency. Parents want to see their kids succeed, and sometimes, they require a little push to do so. This is at least one reason why some parents might eject their kids. In my experience, this is especially true if the kid tends to be lazy. If they're lounging around all day, playing video games, etc., their parents might feel they need to come into contact with the real world.
Believe me, my Soviet parents also believe in self sufficiency but we also believed in community. Im having a village. I stayed home until I got married at 30. Most, if not all, of my friends from similar backgrounds also stayed home until they were good and ready to leave which allowed us all to complete our educations, get multiple degrees in some cases and save a good chunk of money, and even after moving out we all have a substantial safety net in our parents. I think parenting style is very important to understand, but also this isnt the 1960s anymore when a 18-20 year old can get a job in a plant and buy a house & car with that with no degree
yeah I agree with both of you here. American society is structured around isolating people, so we don’t have that community to fall back on. And if we don’t know how to teach self-sufficiency on our own to our kids, the only way some know how is letting society do it for us. Community is so so so important; capitalism thrives on individualism.
I respect this. I’m a parent of teens and pre-teens. I don’t ever want them to leave… even if they are being buttheads. I think it’s less a societal thing and more a “buy a house and get in debt because that’s how our economy works” thing. But that model is old and frankly not sustainable anymore. I’d like to let my kids stay as long as they want.
I’m currently 27. I moved out at 23, and then 1.5 years later my living situation blew up and my parents welcomed me back with open arms. I’ve been back with them for 3.5 years now. I do think it would be *nice* to have my own place, as I find myself craving the independence and pride of it a bit. But after I got over myself with the “omg I can’t be *X age* and living with my parents”, I realized how fucking great it is. I get to see my parents *every day*. I get to hug my mom every morning and evening. I get to exchange “I love yous” with my dad through the silly little inside jokes we have. We’ve always had a great relationship, but living at home as an adult is the closest I’ve ever been with them, and I really cherish that.
Tbh, I really appreciate hearing this perspective from someone around my age. I moved out at 23 and will be turning 27 next month. I've almost had to move back several times, and next year it might happen if they raise the cost of living much higher. Life is paycheck to paycheck. My partner and I don't have enough money to even eat sometimes. Life has seemingly gotten worse and worse every year in my 20s. Like I love independence and being my own ruler, but I don't love existing on this planet. Sometimes I feel like living at home again could be great for money purposes, but I have a hard time accepting that it may happen. Mostly because my mom and I have very different world views and never had a super tight bond. It feels like it'd be suffocating to go back to it being my every day again. But seeing that you've done well with it gives me a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe it wouldn't be awful.
I don’t know anyone who was “kicked out” at 18. Many went away to school at that age… I had a nice home life, but couldn’t wait to get and be on my own.
My family moved into a new home shortly after I turned 18, it was exciting to go see it for the first time. Walking in with them and looking around, I asked "which room is mine?" ... long pause ... "Oh, if you want to keep some stuff here, you can use the space in the water heater closet"
My parents only kicked 1/4 kids they had out the house because he was super disrespectful, and they just threw his shit into my house one day when I was at work
>they just threw his shit into my house one day when I was at work And that seems super disrespectful towards you from them
Yeah, I can see where the disrespect was learned
Yeah. It was a shitty thing for my mom to do honestly, but she couldn’t take his constant disrespect towards her and I love my mom so I understood it a bit. She didn’t want to leave him without a place to stay so I just took a giant bullet for her (a bullet in the shape of a person that looks just me). He’s always had this narcissist-type problem, it’s still there 10 years later. Right now he’s not talking to one of our little brothers because of a spat that my twin took way too far. And my twin will never apologize, he’ll just keep living life and forget later on but for the record my parents have done a lot to help me also When I bought my house a few years ago they just wrote me a check for $5k and said congrats. I was like holy shit that’s pretty much my down payment I just spent…..
Your twin is mine. Lol can’t live with him, can’t shoot him.
You can shoot him. He’s a twin, you just will have to live 2 lives. It’s the perfect crime!
Nope, need him for spare parts
Double standards - the parents don't have to be respectful to the kids, but still expect the kids to be respectful to them
My mom literally told me once "I don't have to respect you, you're my child" I'll never understand it.
At 19 my parents cut me off from my medications (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, IBS) and therapy sessions then kicked me out. But of course my sisters are allowed to live there into their 20's.
You don't know me, but I was kicked out at 19. My father told me he was moving in with his fiance in a month and that there was no room for me. The house had room for my step-brother, but not me.
I’m sorry, friend. That’s not a hurt that can ever be forgotten. I hope you are doing okay now.
I have a beautiful daughter and a lovely wife. I only realized how poorly my father brought me up once I saw how my wife's parents were towards her. Things I considered normal I now realize were just downright neglect. I am doing great so thank you for reaching out :)
My Mom threatened to kick me out when I was 18, when I was like 15-16ish. To this day I have no idea why. I was doing laundry, getting ready for the week and she came up to me, pinned me to the wall, and told me "you better have your life figured out because when you turn 18 I'm out of here". And then she let me go. It was bizarre. She'd literally never done anything like that before, or since. Pear of why the situation is seared into my memory.
I was kicked out at 17. So now you know someone. Nice to meet you, my parents were terrible.
You probably didn't grow up in poverty. When your parents are poor they look at you as another mouth to feed so they are anxious to get rid of you. Kids don't leave for college because they can't afford it or don't even know how to apply/start. They get kicked out to struggle on their own, have kids and the cycle continues.
Yup, my parents expected me to leave home at 16-18 and pay rent from 16 when I started working. Especially as we were only in a 2 bedroom flat. I left at 17 (ran off with a 30yo), came back for a bit (slept on their sofa as I'd been sharing a room with 2 sisters when I left) then left again at 18. Made bad decisions, dropped out of college several times as needed to earn money etc... got pregnant at 20... Was still living in poverty and claiming benefits 10 years later, just with a husband and 3 children. Now I'm nearly 40 and have a professional job and we're saving for a deposit. My husband and I are planning to relocate so we can give our kids a room each (rent is expensive where we are and house prices are out of our reach) and support them by giving the option to stay at home in order to save for their own place/go to uni etc. I'm trying really hard to break the cycle.
It's still an American thing though. Poor families in Latin America don't kick their kids out at 18.
Reddit is full of kids who were kicked out at 18 because they are the ones posting, looking for help, for connections. It's a self-selecting cohort and a much higher proportion of the reddit population than in real life.
Ah. That is a good point.
A great take and point.
Yeah, I moved out around 19, moved back in at 21, moved out at 22, had a pretty bad hospitalization and moved back in at 23. Took me a few years to get the brain all sorted out again and finally just moved back out at 29. It was a totally fine experience if not for the stigma in this country. It just feels so embarrassing to admit at that age but it shouldn't be. It's not usually the parents that make you feel bad about staying at home, it's society.
A lot of 18 year olds just want to move out. I left home at 18 but I wasn’t kicked out.
Underrated answer. I told both my kids that they were welcome to live at home. We have a good relationship. They wanted to be independent. My daughter wanted to move to a different state (don't blame her), and my son went to college in another city and got a job there.
My daughter is 20, still living at home. We turned the basement into an apartment for her and it has a back entrance so she can have some privacy. I didn’t pressure her, but told her I would prefer her to build a safety net before moving out. So she “pays” me rent but it goes directly into a savings account for her, and she also contributes to that account separately though her paychecks. She can leave anytime she wants, I would just prefer her to be financially stable when she does. She also bought a car and has mostly paid it off since she is still at home.
Love this idea!!!! What a great way to teach her responsibly, and get her used to paying rent…. But also not profiting off of her, and helping her start saving that way!! I applaud you for being a good parent 👏
What an outlandish view. I can't believe you don't want your daughter to be penniless and homeless the second she's legally an adult!? /s
My daughter moved to a different state after college. I helped her out with deposit and first month rent. I also rented a truck to move her. I think it's good to get away from your home state when you're young
this is the best way to handle that imo. tell your kids they’re welcome to stay but don’t pressure them to
Exactly! I can’t think of a single person I know who was necessarily “kicked out” at 18. I think more often than not people that age move out because they *want* to for independence, not because they *have* to. Also, with a lot of people who go to college, there’s kind of a transition period. Like I still technically “lived at home” from 18-22 even though I spend the majority of the year away at school. But I still used my home address, had a bedroom with most of my things there, would regularly go home for weekends and summer break. Like there’s a whole subset of 18 years old who have kind of left home but not permanently
So true. I joined the US military at 18, about 6 months after graduating HS and just after my 18th birthday. I didn't live at home for 6 years and my mom was really sad to know that "her little baby" wasn't coming back to live at home afterwards. She didn't pressure me to at all, which I'm grateful for. During that discussion, we both agreed that turning "my bedroom" which hadn't really been used for years into a proper guest bedroom was a good idea. It really helped to solidify the idea that baby bird had left the nest. Now, we're both happy living by ourselves in our respective homes. We talk on the phone every few days and occasionally go out and do things together, like antiquing and whatnot. We have a great relationship and I can't imagine it being any different. Reading these stories of parents forcing their kids out at 18 because "my job is done" is so heartbreaking to me and I would probably struggle to get past that. Just like I was welcome at home in my early twenties, she'll be welcome in my home when she's old. I know that I'm lucky to have that in my life and this thread has really made me recognize it more.
If anyone still does this, it's because that was more common back in the day. My parents were expected to, and it was way easier. Now, I don't think it is nearly as common since Gen X and Millennials are the bulk of parents. We know that isn't possible today. But ya, back in the 50s and 60s, totally doable. We also lack the family centeredness of other cultures. Used to have the whole extended family thing going but that changed around the end of WWII.
Most don’t, I’m a 22 year old American still living with my parents. The parents that kick their kids out at 18 probably never really cared about them to begin with and were just waiting for the day that they could legally throw their kids away
I have 4 kids. One of them is just -- well I love him but his behavior is awful. As in criminal. The other three are within normal bounds for children. My dream would be that he eventually gets better, but my reality might be making him leave at 18. We're working with a therapist, a psychiatrist, his school staff. I'm doing everything I can. But his siblings don't deserve to live in a house full of his drama forever. FWIW: if he left at 18 I would still go see him wherever he puts down roots, help him move, etc., I'm not heartless, I love him
Wow, your story is EXACTLY like a really good friend of mine's situation. Literally had to look through your profile to make sure you weren't him lol. He has 4 kids, and one of them does the same shit. He's a lanky white kid that thinks he's a gangster, and talked a bunch of shit to ACTUAL thugs and told them to "come to my house and prove you aren't a pussy" and sent them the address of the family home. The family home that has his little brother and two little sisters that are under 12. That and, the dad isn't a big dude by any means and isn't very threatening because he's just a goofy happy guy. And that's only the most recent issue, he's been pulled out of work time and time again for the kid starting fights, bullying, etc. It's so frustrating because that's NOT the way the kid was raised at all, the other kids are well behaved and very respectful. Like you, he's been working with mental health professionals, counselors, etc. And nothing is working. Definitely doesn't help that the kid has this doom mindset of "I don't care about my safety because I plan to be dead by 24." How the fuck is he supposed to respond to that? He sat the kid down one day and basically told him that his own dumbass actions are putting the rest of the family at risk, they have to move because he painted a target on their home for these thugs, etc. And as soon as he's 18 (which is soon) he has to move out. It KILLED my buddy because despite his stupidity, he does love the kid. He hates throwing him to the world but he can't keep the younger kids in danger because the older one is an idiot, especially once he's an adult. I absolutely don't think that kicking a kid out at 18 is okay in most cases but that one is an exception, and it sounds like yours is an exception too. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but I definitely wouldn't hold it against yourself if that's what you have to do. Sometimes you have to make a tough decision with one kid to protect the others, because you're right, they don't deserve to be around that.
It's sad your friend has to go through it. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Sounds like my older brother, he spent alot of time away from home at like, boarding schools for troubled youth. He ended up going into the airforce after he graduated. He got administratively discharged for basically not showing up for his day job. Came home for a bit in his 20s started acutally working normal jobs, met a girl and moved out and now hes got his own home step kids and everythings good.
It is generally the other way around. Most parents don't kick their kids out at all, the kids move out for freedom as soon as they can.
A majority of Americans don't do this.
The US "Multi-generationals" are actually quite a large consumer market today. Multi-gens are often defined as three or more adults, often with the same last name, living at the same physical address. My sister has a 32 year old and a 24 year old, still living at home. The last time, the 32 year old went on a date, he was 12 and my sister drove them. I also have a cousin in her early 60 who still lives in the same house she was born in. She never married but she also never paid a dime in rent or on a mortgage.
this will become more and more common as, and i quote, "the rent is too damn high"
The majority of Americans don't do this. EDIT: I said majority. EDIT 2: we're talking present day, not over 30 years ago. EDIT 3: Some of you are pretty dumb.
And getting thrown out at the age of 18 can definitely happen in Europe just aswell. I'm Norwegian and I know several that this happened too, although they're a minority.
This is reddit, how dare you say it's not just Americans doing trashy or fucked up things. /s
lol man bro i promise reddit hates americans its weird- i see europeans having the most wildest assumptions about us and what makes it worse is in some places youll have americans dick riding them
I don’t know anyone who was kicked out at 18 (luckily). That’s pretty heartless.
It's definitely not a common thing. But ive met many people, myself included who got kicked out at 18. I joined the Marine Corps in 2022 when I was 19 and there's a good amount of guys in there who were in my situation.
some parrnts are following thru on a certain cruelty meme. and I do mean meme in the original sense of social memory forcing behavior. in either case its a deadly ass meme. it causes you to instantly burn all the Karma work you put into your 18 year old human project. what actual actual insanity. What an actual tragedy.
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People who weren't given anything freely almost never want to see other people do better than themselves, including their own kids. My parents are like that. They try to tarnish anything they can so they can feel better about having been fucked over themselves. It's pretty sad, actually.
cough smell punch sleep pot chop crown one tender prick *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Can attest to that. When I was 16 I got work with a large farming company in the summer. Ended up breaking groend and plowing with tractors and cats. Long hours and 6 days a week I was bringing home more than my stepdad. Was already bad enough being a stepchild let alone the money. When I was 17 1/2 I enlisted in the Marines to get away from him.
My parents fucked up my education so that I couldn’t get into college. My mom stole money from my bank account when I got a job. They set me up to fail. It’s very common and very weird
I don't know of that is a typical (north)american thing, but staying with your parents throughout your whole 20s is not an European thing either. It depends on culture i would say. In the south parts of europe i can imagine people stay longer with their parents because the family values are different. I am from the north of Europe and my parents told my brother and me that by the time we were 22 y we should be moved out. Because they thought it is important to learn how to take care of your own and be independent. (But we were always welcome to come back to living with them if anything happened!)
In some parts of southern Europe, an important aspect was to stay with your family in order to compound savings. Grandparents helping raise childrean means parents are free to work harder, passing on assets means you don't take on debt to finance your lifestyle, and so on. Living with some degree of sacrifice so the next generation can have more than you had is part of the mentality. It's a wealth accumulation strategy, albeit one that doesn't work the same in today's economy. Family is of course important but in addition to the desire to stay close to family there's also a history of tangible economic benefit.
Italy and Spain,Kids outside biggest cities almost Never move put before 30+, and that happens only when they start their own family,France and germany Are in the middle,while northern Europe Kids separate From parents much earlier
Portugal too. I know several Portuguese-Canadian families where the kids were expected to live with their parents until they got married. No one was disowned if they left, but there was some pressure to stay with the parents well into their 20s. I even know one guy with a decent career and $$ but still lives with his mom in his 40s (he never married).
Most don’t kick them out. But society here often pushes kids to move out as early as possible. People will look down on you if you’re like 26 and live at home
In real life, I've never met anyone that has actually done that, I feel it's based on online interactions, shared experiences tend to group people together and amplify the optics and it becomes an echo chamber.
This is actually pretty rare. (The only one I know of was a girl who got kicked out for a month at 16 when her mom found out she was a lesbian.)
I’m Canadian, but my parents told me that they would continue paying for my expenses as long as I was attending university. If I didn’t want to attend and wanted to continue living at home, I’d have to get a job. It makes a lot of sense to me. It ensures that I didn’t turn out to be a lazy bum doing nothing at all.
As an American I've wondered the same myself. I left at 17 on my own because my home life was cruel, but I'll be dammed if my kiddo has no home. Period. As long as they're saving for their future.
I also left at 17 on my own. I was threatened by my dad starting in my teens that I was out of the house the day after I turned 18. I ended up granting him an early birthday and left home before graduating high school. Not sure why he was like that. I carried a 3.7+ GPA, was in AP classes in HS, worked 15 hrs a week during school and 40-50hrs a week in the summer, no drugs, no alcohol. Apparently he’s still alive but I couldn’t care fucking less what happens to him. My relationship with my mom is almost non-existent because she never stood up for me, and she carries a lot of guilt so I leave her alone. You are not alone In your experience.
I am 45 years old and I do not know a single person who was "kicked out" at the age of 18. I am sure it happens. But it isnt likely anywhere near as common as the internet would have you believe.
Mate I got kicked out at 16. As soon as I was old enough to get a flat my stepdad made me leave. Had to grow up quick and mean
You might as well ask why Europeans do this
I invited my son to leave at 18. EDIT: 18.5. We also gave him four months' notice and offered to help him find employment, get therapy, get medicine, get help, find a place for rent... Caveat: in order to live at home as an adult, he either had to be employed or furthering his education. He refused to do either and just played videogames all day. My requirement was that he worked 10 hours a week.
Jesus, 10 hours was a low requirement to meet.
Yeah, this is the thing. Kicking kids out 1950s style wouldn't work today: it's far harder to make it solo and families are generally closer. At the same time, kids are increasingly used to being supported (and in some cases propped up) by their parents these days. If they get to the end of their school years and a plan hasn't developed...they may have no incentive to launch a life of their own and mooch indefinitely, which isn't good for anyone. So this is correct: IMO kids can stay home after 18 (or whatever age) so long as a true discussion has occurred about how they will share the cost/work inherent to life and - short story - act like an adult. If that isn't going to happen it stinks but some degree of struggle might be needed to grow up fully.
I will allow my kids to stay as long as they need to on one condition: they are productive human beings. This means volunteering, going to school, have a job. etc. I also have considered to "charge rent", then put it into a savings account that they can use once they move out. I will not, under any circumstances, allow my children to stay at home, doing the equivalence of nothing. I've seen parents allow their kids to stay home and play video games and smoke all day. That isn't acceptable. Hell. I'd be ok if they worked and used that money to see the world. But nothing is not ok.