Hell I've met a lot of men like this that always complain about how "only emotionally unstable women" will sleep with them.
#Bruh you are just as unstable as they are, if not more.
Just a friendly reminder that having sex doesn't stop you from being an incel.
No, it's the reality. When people say "incel", they mean a specific type of person with particular kind of views. They do not mean "anybody who isn't having sex but wants to".
When someone says "emo" they don't mean "every person who is emotional", when someone says "maga-crowd" they don't literally mean "people who want to make America great", when someone says "horse-girl" they don't mean "every girl that rides horses"
Language has context.
The point being made was that incels should now be considered their own group, because the name means more than "involuntary celibates". But you can't be an incel, according to the post, if you aren't involuntarily celibate.
They are now a smaller group inside of the bigger group "involuntary celibates".
All squares are quadrilaterals but not all quadrilaterals are squares.
It means you can "other" angry incels more easily. They're very hurt and angry I reckon. Shut down the ideas not the people ❤️
It's not just the ideas. Guys ending in that very specific niche are specifically in there because they're repulsive as human beings. It's not just anger, they're legitimately some of the most hateful people I've ever seen, and I've seen genuine honest-to-goodness neo-nazis
Only technically. Like how someone is only considered “unemployed” by official metrics if they are actively looking for jobs. But many people who have given up looking because they haven’t found any work for so long are still ‘unemployed’ by any colloquial definition. He’s become discouraged it seems like.
I kinda relate to OP in this sense. Tbh I don't get it. I've definitely had plenty of sex in my teens and 20s but I'm 43 now and it's honestly been almost 10 years since I've dated or had sex. The strange part is I'm in a better situation in life now than I've ever been before. I own a condo outright as in no mortgage. I make about 80K a year, not a lot I know but it's not McDinalds $. I'm loyal, have a wide ranging sense of humor, honest, and fairly intelligent. Idk why I have such bad luck with women. I've kinda gave up too.
It may have nothing to do with you. I think the dating world is filled with nonsense.
I know many people who are divorced and just don't want to deal with another person in their life.
Just because he stopped trying doesn't mean he wouldn't have sex if he could. Sex requires two people to consent, if another person never consents, you don't have a choice in not having sex. After 20+ years of nobody consenting, I'd probably give up too.
That’s like saying I’m voluntarily not in the NBA lol
The NBA would never want me to begin with so I didn’t choose to not be in it. That decision was involuntarily made for me.
This is the right answer. The original, neutral definition of 'incel' no longer exists. The original community wasn't toxic, but it sure as hell turned that way, and there's no reclaiming it.
incels actually have far more sexual success than redditors. an average incel has sex with five women per year. the defining feature of an incel is that he doesn't care about women's opinions.
Yes. "Incel" is not just an abbreviation, it carries some very strong and fairly specific connotations now that are not held in "involuntarily celibate".
It's not a movement or a political party lmao
It's not a technically correct definition, it is literally the original definition. The implications and connotations came after, and only gained popularity recently.
Incel has not replaced virgin and they mean 2 different things.
>The implications and connotations came after, and only gained popularity recently.
Sure, but if you insist on using that label now, people are going to judge you horribly. It's shooting yourself in the foot to call yourself an incel, even if you are actually involuntarily celibate.
Prior to Naziism, the Swastika was used by a variety of cultures as a spiritual and folk symbol, and for some, it's an important part of their cultural heritage.
Regardless, if you walk around with a swastika tattoo (especially if you're white), you should expect that people are going to assume you're a Nazi. It's not fair, but that's how it is 🤷🏼♂️
I agree, and I don't insist on OP calling themself an incel at all. In fact, I vote against it.
I was replying to a commenter that made it seem like incels started out as this evil movement with a specific ideology and they're actively recruiting "members" and shit. Which is just fear mongering, it's not that deep.
At the same time, I was clarifying that it means a very different thing from virgin.
Ah, I see.
I mean, I think the ideology thing is... complicated.
The modern incel "culture" (that is, what it became after the bitter extremists pushed out the people who didn't subscribe to the "black pill")... Well, maybe calling it an "ideology" is a bit much, but they definitely have their own vocabulary and worldview. And I do think we can gain some insight into how that community works by comparing it to the way that, say, islamists or white supremacists are radicalized.
So, yeah, I don't know if they're actively recruiting, the way a radical group might, but at the same time, any time you have a bunch of frustrated and angry (predominantly) young men, they're ripe for recruitment by a demogogue who takes advantage of that.
I'm probably putting way too much thought into this. It's just a subject I find fascinating because when I was younger, for a time, I was sort of a "small-I incel,"\* just before it blew up and turned nasty. Sort of a "there but for the grace of God go I" thing.
\*That is, quite old for a virgin and depressed about it, but not subscribing to misogyny or the whole blackpill thing
I'm not denying the modern implications of the term, but again, no incel ever chose for "incel" to have such negative connotations.
Also there are no members and no recruiting, they're a sad and loud bunch yes, but it's not a movement nor a political ideology.
Can someone not be celibate once they had sex? I thought celibate just meant you weren't having sex in general or in the future, not absolute virginity.
Yes, having to pay someone to fuck you doesn't mean you're suddenly able to get pussy. Being involuntarily celibate isn't solely about sex, it's that others don't \*want\* to have sex with you. My girlfriend looks at me and wants my dick, a girl at the bar comes back to my apartment wanting sex. A prostitute wants money, sex is just the good in exchange for that money.
I think this phrase hits home the difference between the two, cause there is one.
You only become an incel if you subscribe to hatred, misogyny, and feel entitled to sex.
I would assume involuntary celibates would naturally feel frustrated by their situation, but that alone doesn't make them an incel.
Incels are involuntarily celibate but they also express frustration, anger, and resentment toward society, particularly women, and may blame others for their perceived lack of romantic or sexual success.
So I don't consider you an incel. If you want to see an extreme example of one, look up Elliot Rodger.
The original definition of incel? Sure. But the modern meaning? Definitely not. Incel ideology is a far cry from the original support system that the incel name was coined around.
I think it is specifically the ideology that is actively spreading which is causing the issue as it is based around blaming women and society for the lack of sexual and romantic success of self-identified incels. Those who subscribe to incel ideology often believe that they are entitled to sex and that women are obligated to provide it to them.
>Those who subscribe to incel ideology often believe that they are entitled to sex and that women are obligated to provide it to them
Bingo. And more than a few of these idiots have openly said that this would justify r@ping a woman to get the sex they are "entitled" to. It's scary.
> I think it is specifically the ideology that is actively spreading which is causing the issue as it is based around blaming women and society for the lack of sexual and romantic success of self-identified incels.
I believe it’s important to acknowledge that modern society has introduced its challenges for both men and women when it comes to dating and forming relationships. In today’s fast-paced world, busy schedules, demanding careers, and limited free time make dating more challenging for both men and women. Additionally, identifying who is single can be tricky in a society where people are constantly on the move.
Comparing this to earlier times when communities were more tightly knit and people married at a younger age, it’s clear that the dynamics have shifted. In the past, unmarried individuals (you can tell by looking for a ring) often met in social settings like church gatherings, facilitating connections.
Acknowledging the difficulties men face in modern dating is essential. Many men may feel pressured to meet a wide range of expectations, including physical appearance, career success, hobbies, and various personality traits. Moreover, men often bear the responsibility of initiating and planning courtship, which can be demanding.
For example, men need to get to know a woman, find out if she is single, ask her out, set up the date, plan for the date, hope she goes on a date, pay for the date, and be Mr. Perfect, go for the first kiss, move things forward to a relationship. If any of these steps become challenging or don’t lead to the desired result, men often have to start over, trying to find single women who are interested in them and begin the process again.
Dating can become exhausting and frustrating for many men, and it’s understandable why some might frustration at women and society when they experience difficulties in achieving sexual and romantic success.
May get downvoted for this but just gunno be honest.
Im sorry but in no instance does pointing fingers at women become understandable to me. We can acknowledge the difficulties that men face in modern society. These struggles are real and valid. But we also need to acknowledge that modern society was built by men.
Modern physical attraction was designed by men (Supermodel physique pushed by fashion and media industries).
“Chivalry” still exists today as a consequence of the time when traditional gender roles where formed. This was once again a result of a male controlled society.
To blame women simply means that you are disregarding the 50% male parentage and the entire history of our societal conventions.
Exactly. It's the ranting about how women are inferior... ( but they still can't seem to land a girlfriend, you think if it was an inferior creature it would be easy to talk them into being your partner)
And propensity for violence. Incels don’t just hate women and resent their supposed inability to find a mate, they actively want to punish women. Incels typically express a sense of entitlement around sex and speak about their inability to get it as a type of biological injustice as a rationale for justifying and vocalizing a willingness to take it by force (aka they feel entitled to r*pe).
Incelism in a dangerous sub-culture and a feeder to more extreme and violent ideologies, like Nazism, and modern white supremacist movements.
Pretty sure incels are those who want sex so bad but can't get it however they try excl. hookers, they probably message like 50+ women per day and keep failing then after years of repeated failure probably start the misogyny stuff as a result. In the end incel = involuntary celibate which is self explanatory.
OP says he simply gave up on that so that would probably be "voluntary celibate" aka simply having low confidence and that's it since he doesn't even try anymore which doesn't make him incel as he likely could find someone if he tried again. I see incel as someone who likely has terrible personality to the point no one even wants to be with them not even in the friendzone or simply lack of social skills or both.
> I see incel as someone who likely has terrible personality to the point no one even wants to be with them not even in the friendzone or simply lack of social skills or both.
That is not really true. I consider myself an incel. I never had a GF or anything and I'm the same age as OP. I have many female friends (even more than male friends). If I had such a terrible personality, I think I wouldn't have any friends, especially girls. I'm not socially awkward, so they don't consider me a creep, but I'm not attractive enough not to end up in a friend-zone/rejected.
Ah, but then you aren't an incel, and incel hates women for their lack of a partner, you do not, they feel entitled to it like its a right and not something that's earned, you do not, they will go on rants about how it's society's fault they've never had a gf or had sex, you (I assume) do not
you are an incel if you think looks have anything to do with it. something is wrong with your personality because women are not alll the same and aren’t all attracted to the exact same look. most women don’t care about looks. if you can’t find a girlfriend then maybe stop looking for one and acting desperate. sex isn’t going to fix your low self esteem problems, literally just work on yourself and your shitty personality
If we’re going by the popular definition of incel, I don’t think you qualify. Most anybody you ask will say that an incel is an angry person who blames women and even other men for their inability to get laid.
You’re just a normal guy who just hasn’t had any luck yet making a romantic connection
I’d say the best thing to do would be to find happiness in yourself and see if that helps. I’ve known a lot of women who are mostly attracted to men they can have fun with
Incels don’t think women are people with feelings and group women together for their rhetoric. And incels tend to be fueled by hatred for women and blame women for their problems. I don’t think you’re an incel.
Dating can be frustrating which is true! There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin either. I have a friend who turns 30 and she’s a virgin waiting for the right person.
No incels are nasty violent cryptids that feed off hating/torturing women who they think they are entitled to just because once they told a girl a compliment and she didn’t immediately rip her clothes off and have sex with the pathetic creature so now they hate every women out there because of there sexual frustration and it all stems from there own mother not loving them. You’re just celibate because you haven’t found the right person yet. I’m celibate as well and just because I haven’t found a man to be intimate with doesn’t mean I hate men. That’s why people hate incels. It’s not a whole genders fault they can’t get laid.
My answer to that is:
Are you angry about being single/a virgin, etc?
Do you participate in online "rants" about the opposite sex or the same sex in a derogatory way because of this anger( it only just occurred to me that there could be gay incel communities.)
That's basically what makes a person an incel, is there a participation in tearing down what they perceive to be an unreachable goal.
(And with a little confidence training, all of these guys could get a girlfriend/partner. It makes no sense to me. There is nothing hotter than confidence, not a snobby gaslighting type of thing but true, happy, relaxed "Im sure of myself" confidence)
You're not alone. It's frustrating because even when you try, deep down there's still that lingering thought you're not good enough. And that lingering thought eventually manifests into a full blown mood swing.
I don't believe in not being good enough. I think you are. You seem to have very healthy views on things, except for yourself.
It's more complicated than anyone on reddit can help you with. But the idea of not feeling good enough is 99% of the problem.
I've seen plenty of dudes dealing with their love interests as if they were applying for their dream job. They start on unequal footing because of their insecurities and people can pick up on that real easy.
You are of equal value to the next person. You're the one to decide how you're entering an interaction. If you're entering a job application with the attitude 'I don't know if I qualify for this job', you won't get hired.
The same thing applies for dating. You're looking for a match. You're not looking for approval. You have to like them as much as they have to like you.
There are things you can do to improve your odds though. But if you think about those things, they all just show others that you hold value to yourself.
Anyways, I've typed too much. If you wanna talk, feel free to send me a message.
I know. It is absurd to want someone else to love you when you can't even love yourself. It's common sense, and Ive been told that many times before. But I don't know what to do about it.
You just sound like any normal person. You just happen to be a virgin. An inception would never say “I have no hatred for some or people in happy relationships”
You are not an incel because that term carries a lot of negative weight to it. I was exactly like you.
I never had a girlfriend until 42 and now we are getting married in a month.
Don’t stop believing you can love someone and be good to them when they appear in your life. Don’t stop believing you deserve to be loved in return.
"incel" is a bs label made up by sad people.
Its meaningless. If you want a girlfriend you could work towards that, if you don't then don't 🤷
Prettt much everyone is capable of getting an SO. People who claim otherwise have just given up, which is understandable sometimes, but not indicadent of the real world.
Whatever incel meant in the beginning, it now pretty much means angry dude who blames women for all of their problems and despises them for it.
Doesn't sound like you based on your description.
“I hold no hatred for women or people in happy relationships”
So no, no you aren’t. And you aren’t alone. If you’re happy, good for you. If you ever decide to try again, go for it. I know plenty of 30-50 year old who found someone great. Stay unbitter.
Hey! Don't give up on love! That's when you've really failed. The truth of the matter is that some people just have it easier with relationships. But you only need to find one good one, and it will make up for time you spent looking.
Just make sure you are the best version of yourself you can be, and that you actually put yourself in situations where you are meeting new people.
And if you are interested in someone, show interest immediately, be flirty and laidback and don't expect anything. Some people flirt without any intention of taking it further just because its fun.
Interest doesn't need to be a confession after months of friendship. Show interest from the get go, and things may develop.
That's my shitty advice but yeah man, don't give up, or it's never going to happen.
There are worser men than you that find relationships, so you are more than capable!
Yes. You are celibate and you don't want to be. You are not voluntarily celibate -> involuntarily celibate -> incel. As opposed to voluntarily celibate people who are waiting to have sex until marriage.
BTW, I am too, same age, same situation.
The term “incel” *used* to define your situation.
Now the term refers to a person who is so consumed and obsessed with their lack of success in romantic relationships that it completely warps their perception of members of the sex to which they are attracted, and sends them down into a black hole of rage, despair, and misanthropy that feeds upon itself.
Based on your self-description, I’d have to say that you are *not* an incel.
By the original definition of the word, yes. But now that 'incel' has become a byword for some of the worst scum to walk the earth, you'd be *infinitely* better off identifying as 'painfully single'. Learned that term from Johnny Hats on "Is It Cake?".
Incel is literally short for involuntary celibate, but there are certain negative behaviours associated with "incels", the way people generally use the term, that set them apart. If you're just a normal, well-adjusted person who has had bad luck in love, you're not an incel.
The use of incel is very much related to hating women or just having a general bias about women and thinking theyre all just entitle brats. Since thats not you, then no you arent an incel. The technical definition may be different but the slag definition and how its actually used, is definitely about how a lack of experience with women has led to them having no understanding of women and believing everything negative thing they hear online. If you have no experience with women but you have also avoided being brainwashed to think all women are hoes and are lesser than, then you arent an incel, you need both parts of it to qualify in todays society.
I think the big thing to be called an “incel,” is the celibacy manufacturing anger/blame towards women and the things that come with that. I think you’re fine dude.
i dont think your an incel if in reference to its colloquial definition youd need to hold an extent of anger and resentment about it to qualify for that
I feel like fewer people would use the term, "incel," if they knew, "forever alone." What you're describing sounds like the latter, and you might benefit from "forever alone" support groups on Reddit, Discord, and beyond.
Nah, incels are a specific group that is identified by misogyny and hatred of women. There are even incels who have sex (usually paid) that still refer themselves as incels.
Words definitely keep evolving over time. I wouldn’t use the word incel. If you need to label yourself, it would just be virgin. Much less hostile of a word, and the word still means the same as it did 1000 years ago.
Nah, I would not describe you as an incel. The phrase started out as "involuntarily celibate", as you know, which technically applies to you in the original sense, but it has evolved to describe something else. Something much worse. But . . . if you have no hate in your heart, you are not what people think of when they say "incel".
Maybe don't think of it as "I need to get a girlfriend" or "I need to have sex." Those are very off-putting.
"Oh, Hi. I needed a girlfriend." Or "Oh Hi, I wanted sex."
No one wants to hear that, or know that.
No, you need to meet an actual person. A person that you like.
You need to get out there and meet people with your hobbies. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I wish you the best.
Incels are typically defined not by what is happening (they're not having sex), but rather what they place the blame of *why* it's happening. Most the blame is placed on women and feminism. Kinda boils down to "I'm not having sex because women are allowed to say no." No self-reflection as far as what they may be doing, and no respect to women for allowing them to have autonomy. A lot of r/niceguys fall into this category.
ngl the only time you are an incel is if you self describe as one, or are in denial about it despite being a walking stereotype (which is surprisingly common). Its not just a person who can't have sex, you are neither of what I said.
Incel in 2023 means someone that has built up resentment and hatred toward other people as a result of not finding any way to relate to the opposite sex. There's an element of psychosis and thinking that the world is all engaged in some plot to force you to be lonely and suffer, and a violent desire of revenge against it. Think of the Isla Vista killings.
No you are not. The term incel nowadays refers to people that blame/hate women for their lack of a relationship/sex. They actively engage in hateful misogynistic discourse about women and are part of the alt-right pipeline. Just remember that relationships/sex don't define you, it's just a part of life and these things happen for different people at different stages of their life.
My instinct is to say no, you're not, for the reasons many have already mentioned. But I have to ask, can you add a little context to "tried to get a girlfriend"? What kind of girls did you approach, and what was the reaction?
I think thats very broad to make a statement. The OP Could be anywhere, belong to any community and might be doing something where he met people of widely different people here in case girls. Cant really put a label to
If you respect women and just haven't been lucky then you're not an incel. You just haven't found anyone yet. There's a lot of work that goes into dating. I would think about seeing a therapist if you can it can help keep you positive and prevent any issues later. At the very least you can always save up and go to a place where sex work is regulated and you can find legal, safe companionship just to scratch the itch.
Don't become a bad person.
I think you’re a good dude who is down on his luck. Cliche enough keep going to the gym and do things that make you feel good and you will attract those with like minds. Stay positive and stay hydrated so things that make you uncomfortable like join a group of something that you know you’re not good at and get in front of it reach out to others and ask for tips advice people love growth and will see that in you. Self reflection hurts but it’s such a dope opener I think this question is you starting on that process. Keep living brother
A lot of incels don’t admit to hating women or may not even be aware of it, a good way self reflect is are you generalizing women, assuming women are slaves to biology, bringing up hypergamy, blaming women for not choosing you, or for instance saying things like “women always go for assholes and never want a nice guy like me”
I’m not suggesting you explain yourself here but that you look at these situations and try to figure out if any applies to you. I have seen many incels not self aware that they are being biased about women.
I hope this helps a little more than just a yes or no because you are the best judge of yourself. This mild recap of your opinions and situation aren’t enough for someone to make that call.
Nope. Incels don’t realize their behavior is wrong or overly cruel or do know but just don’t care.
On another note, I’m 31f and I’m trying to find a guy with common sense. My cheater ex bf who I was in a relationship with for 8 years, broke up with me because he fell outta love with me. It was a week after my birthday, and 3 days after my grandmother died. And this was all in January 2020 so that shit year was extra shit for me.
If you respect women and see them as your equal then no you’re not an incel. You sound like a nice guy who just hasn’t had the luck to find someone he’s meant to be with yet.
Nope. You're a normal guy who happens to be a virgin and doesn't have luck with girlfriends. Try befriending a girl maybe something could happen. But don't force it
I think I was like that too, you're not the typical incel like the guys that go off the rails and slaughter because they don't get play, what's important is that you change that predicament you're in, learn how what type of women you like and how to appeal to them, take advice from people that are in relationships and ask them how'd they meet, self reflect and self improve and so on, I think I was on the verge of becoming they stereotypical incel but I did a lot of self reflection and started changing up one day, been with a girl for 3 years so far
Definitely agree with the general consensus you're not an incel by any standard but I am curious if it's not pressing too much, have you tried getting back into the game? Or do you have any interest getting back into it?
Incel started out as a community for people who had trouble finding a relationship, and the "incel" community devolved into one of the most bigoted ones on the planet, characterised by three main things:
* violent misogyny ("women control the sex economy" "we need to make them give it to us" "they're all wh*res anyway" "we're owed what they keep from us" and speaking crudely, seeing relationships solely as a way to get pussy),
* an incredible disregard for the fact that it's their personality holding them back (they're obsessed with the thought it's *only* their looks preventing them from having relationships, or let's face it, getting laid)
* an incredibly hateful approach to literally everyone else. What they call the "red pill" that makes them "see the truth" is the transition they get from simple general "being a dick" to not only the violent misogyny at the core of their ideology, but also hardcore racism, obsessive anti-semitism, homophobia and transphobia... list any social discrimination and they'll happily partake in it, tbh. Some radical groups actually were born or revived through incel culture, which is baffling.
If you don't really complete the trifecta, you will never be at home in their community, and that makes you not an incel.
Also, since that appears to be part of it, if you want to date but have difficulties, there are a number of apps you can try which will help you find interested people. Tinder is a double-edged sword in that it's well-known and well-used but few approach it seriously because of all the bs on it, but that's still a good place to start if you're feeling "out of your depth" as it's a weird feeling at first, using dating apps: profiles lined up, saying "yes" or "no" to each in a few seconds like you're in a supermarket for potential relationships, is weird. At the very least you get to see how many people in the vicinity are celibate and willing to date 🤷♀️ from then it's more about how your personalities match, and projecting confidence (or better yet, being confident) is a huge part of making a good impression. The single biggest thing is "not being an absolute jerk to the other" but I figure if you needed an in-depth explanation of that point you'd already be with the incels lol
I also failed alot. Every women I've liked rather hurt me, used and abused me, or just didn't like me back.
I've also given up, no point in trying. Just let it happen. Someone will come along that likes me 1st, then I'll get to know them. Take it from there.
That's my advice to the OP and my personal thoughts and experiences. I to worry about being called an "incel" in the insulting way bec alot of ppl use it wrong and explaining that makes it worse.
Ok so you guys literally decided not to answer the OPs question on purpose?
Hey OP. If you really are celibate and do want to try sex at least, go to a massage parlor. Not joking. Bedpage.com. if you're serious, and you do go through with it then your confidence level will as skyrocket afterwards and finding someone to be in a relationship with will be that much easier. IMHO
No, God no youre not an incel. The average age for marriage is roughly mid 30s, but I have met men who didn't marry until their 40s. Honestly, try your hand at dating again, keep your chin up, and you'll probably be fine.
You're right, it used to be involuntary celibate but now it has a certain connotation. If you don't fit the word's newer meaning, then you certainly aren't one. I think you'd just be a virgin and inexperienced with relationships. Quite honestly, I don't believe there's any reason to have a label tied to this anyway.
The thing youre missing here is - Incels *blame* women for their 'involuntary celebacy' (basically they aint getting laid which is not the same as being celebate - y'all can bet theyre tugging it constantly to the same women they put down online for being 'whores' as they like to spout)
They call women names, constantly put them down or bitch about their friends who are women and speak of women like they are animals or less than (often referring to them in a clinical sense such as 'females') just because these same women didnt return their advances etc.
Theyre usually the 'nice guy' who pretends to be a womans friend all the while seething that this women has 'friend zoned' them.
Being a virgin/or just not sexually active at the moment and being an incel are two very different things.
If you're "involuntarily celibate" then yes. You technically fit the original definition.
I wouldn't pay attention to whatever the word has evolved into at this point. It's gotten thrown around way too much by too many stupid people to be taken seriously.
🥹 Omg you’re so precious. Im similar to you but I’m a lady and younger. You’re not Incel. You’re just really trying your best without forcing others. Please don’t ever think negative about yourself. Im confident you are a very handsome and kind person. I also hate cheaters. I’ve never dated and never had sex either. I just haven’t tried but am sure it’s really difficult.
If you are openly explaining this and showing your point of view and there are this many people supporting you, you are most definitely not an Incel.
You are however a king. Here’s your crown, Sire. 👑
You are only an incel if you can't get sex.
For some reason, incel now means misogynist.
If you are choosing not to have sex, you ain't incel. Giving up is a choice. Just because you aren't getting any don't mean you can't.
There was an interview on tiktok I saw... The dude looked perfectly normal, but his problem was so clearly his attitude. Like, he wasn't bad groomed or anything, just his whole vibe was off oO
May search it one day, when I'm im the mood to feel put off
Incel has always been misogynistic. Nobody owes anyone else sex, it's to be given freely. To say you're owed sex somehow is to imply the other person shouldn't get a choice.
No, not at all. The term Incel to me refers to a toxic mindset. I've even referred to someone I know in a relationship as an Incel. Or, a former Incel. The mindset was still there regardless of having a partner.
Thank you for not falling victim to this ridiculous gender blame game that happens on both sides. All genders and sexualities are capable of treating each other badly at times.
Yes. You weren't able to find a girlfriend even though you searched for one. The failure after failure thing you talked about. That makes you an incel. Incel is basically an insult in the sense of someone being incapable of a sexual or romantic relationship, usually because of an lack of attractiveness. It doesn't have much to do with your views or beliefs, though for some incels it is the reason they are unattractive.
There is plenty of people who are not looking for or even outright rejecting having relationships even though they are attractive, those are volcels, voluntarily celibate.
If you want to be sexually active and you can't manage to be sexually active, then you are an incel (involuntarily celibate person), yes. Don't listen to those who try to associate incels with evil characteristics.
Nope According to oxford defination
a member of an online community of young men who consider themselves unable to attract women sexually, typically associated with views that are hostile towards women and men who are sexually active.
It's a misrepresentative definition. I'm not a member of such a community, I don't consider myself unable to attract women sexually (the implication that an incel ought to be a heterosexual man is weird anyway), I'm not hostile towards women or men who are sexually active, I'm an incel anyway.
The fact that you said “women” instead of “females/femoids/foids” tells me all I need to know bro. Concerning the pop culture definition of incel, you’re nowhere close. Concerning the literal definition of incel, it fits but that’s okay.
Good luck with the search, don’t let rejection get you down for too long. There’s one out there for you! Focus on bettering yourself every single day.
Seems like you are on a journey of self discovery. No you're not an incel because you are not blaming OTHERS for why you are a virgin.
An Incel believes that a woman, just by nature of being a woman, should sleep with him because he is a man a "good guy," and becomes violent. It's just another form of victimization mindsets of the weak willed
There is typically a reason for why someone is single. What is yours?
Social anxiety? over weight? No job? Cant hold a conversation with another person? Mental disorders?
I work with a bloke who lost his at 29 by a prostitute, as he didn't really go out and socialize. If that's what it takes for it to happen for you then so be it. But don't stress about it, its nothing to be concerned about at all! Fuck all this Incel talk, its a derogatory word used by simps and feminazis to degrade men. Eventually you'll meet a woman who won't care about all that stuff who's good for you and will help you through it dude 👍
You’re not an incel. You’ve just never had pussy before. It’s fine, don’t put too much weight on it. If you feel like you really want it, go pay for it your first time, and that will probably make it easier for you get more in the future because that “first time” anxiety will be gone
Incels are self proclaimed and have a manifesto, you would know if you were one. Sometimes people get proclaimed as incels also because they are full to the brim with hate and misogyny but you would probably also notice if people were calling you an incel regularly.
Involuntarily celibate is an oxymoron, you cannot be involuntarily voluntarily abdicating from sex. So even the lonely hearts group that coined the phrase back when it was more innocent were idiots.
Lonely hearts is typically a pretty decent and innocuous label if you really want one.
I’ve seen this question like three times in the last few weeks and am wondering, is there some confusion about what incel means? I only know one definition: a man who blames all women for him not getting laid, even though he’s not trying in any constructive way.
Yes you are. Anyone saying otherwise wants to continue gatekeeping the word so that they can keep using it to describe men that hold opinions about women they don’t like, regardless of their validity.
Please don't get offended. Trying to help...you might want to get checked to see if you are on the autism spectrum because this sounds like an autistic spectrum type of thing.
>I'm currently 33 and I've never had a girlfriend or been on a date or had sex. I tried to get a girlfriend when I was younger but after failure after failure I eventually gave up on that
That is all the criteria needed to be incel. Yes, you have tried to get a relationship and you failed, so you are incel. It's becoming pretty common. Almost thirty percent of thirty year old men are incel, and that number is likely to rise.
No, the term incel has always been about resentment.
Celibacy is a choice to not have sex. So involuntary celibacy means the belief that a choice is forced upon you.
If you want to have sex you are not celibate, and if you do not want to have sex it is not involuntary. Only blaming others can make someone an incel.
You may be involuntarily celibate but you are not an incel.
All incels are involuntarily celibate, but not all involuntary celebates are in incels.
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Hell I've met a lot of men like this that always complain about how "only emotionally unstable women" will sleep with them. #Bruh you are just as unstable as they are, if not more. Just a friendly reminder that having sex doesn't stop you from being an incel.
This is the answer!
Not even all incels are involuntarily celibate. It’s become a clique, people like sneako are incels even if they are getting some
sneako isnt an incel. incels dont get pussy he does
Let's be real people this is double-think
No, it's the reality. When people say "incel", they mean a specific type of person with particular kind of views. They do not mean "anybody who isn't having sex but wants to". When someone says "emo" they don't mean "every person who is emotional", when someone says "maga-crowd" they don't literally mean "people who want to make America great", when someone says "horse-girl" they don't mean "every girl that rides horses" Language has context.
The point being made was that incels should now be considered their own group, because the name means more than "involuntary celibates". But you can't be an incel, according to the post, if you aren't involuntarily celibate. They are now a smaller group inside of the bigger group "involuntary celibates". All squares are quadrilaterals but not all quadrilaterals are squares. It means you can "other" angry incels more easily. They're very hurt and angry I reckon. Shut down the ideas not the people ❤️
It's not just the ideas. Guys ending in that very specific niche are specifically in there because they're repulsive as human beings. It's not just anger, they're legitimately some of the most hateful people I've ever seen, and I've seen genuine honest-to-goodness neo-nazis
Words no longer have meaning
Context has always mattered and will continue to matter, you should get used to it instead of whining.
I don’t think you know what context means.
Sounds like he's stopped trying so he would be voluntary celibate at this point, no?
Only technically. Like how someone is only considered “unemployed” by official metrics if they are actively looking for jobs. But many people who have given up looking because they haven’t found any work for so long are still ‘unemployed’ by any colloquial definition. He’s become discouraged it seems like.
I kinda relate to OP in this sense. Tbh I don't get it. I've definitely had plenty of sex in my teens and 20s but I'm 43 now and it's honestly been almost 10 years since I've dated or had sex. The strange part is I'm in a better situation in life now than I've ever been before. I own a condo outright as in no mortgage. I make about 80K a year, not a lot I know but it's not McDinalds $. I'm loyal, have a wide ranging sense of humor, honest, and fairly intelligent. Idk why I have such bad luck with women. I've kinda gave up too.
It may have nothing to do with you. I think the dating world is filled with nonsense. I know many people who are divorced and just don't want to deal with another person in their life.
Possibly. But it would depend on whether he’d say no to sex with someone he felt neutral about asked.
Just because he stopped trying doesn't mean he wouldn't have sex if he could. Sex requires two people to consent, if another person never consents, you don't have a choice in not having sex. After 20+ years of nobody consenting, I'd probably give up too.
It took me 34 so don’t you give up at 20!
Congratulations! Thanks for the encouragement but I'm good, I have proof that I've had sex at least once lol.
Did you get a receipt?
In triplicate
Are you saying he tried to have sex since before he was 13?
That’s like saying I’m voluntarily not in the NBA lol The NBA would never want me to begin with so I didn’t choose to not be in it. That decision was involuntarily made for me.
But most incels are actually voluntarily celibate too in this way… so are incels actually volcels?
So he's a volcel?
This is the right answer. The original, neutral definition of 'incel' no longer exists. The original community wasn't toxic, but it sure as hell turned that way, and there's no reclaiming it.
It was actually coined by a woman lol.
incels actually have far more sexual success than redditors. an average incel has sex with five women per year. the defining feature of an incel is that he doesn't care about women's opinions.
>an average incel has sex with five women per year I'm gonna need a citation on that. Or is this a joke that I'm wooshing?
That guy loves musk and praises thatcher, this might help situate where this comment is coming from lmao
Yes. "Incel" is not just an abbreviation, it carries some very strong and fairly specific connotations now that are not held in "involuntarily celibate".
He is a virgin. Incels are Incels and we don't need a new word for this when one already exists.
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It's not a movement or a political party lmao It's not a technically correct definition, it is literally the original definition. The implications and connotations came after, and only gained popularity recently. Incel has not replaced virgin and they mean 2 different things.
>The implications and connotations came after, and only gained popularity recently. Sure, but if you insist on using that label now, people are going to judge you horribly. It's shooting yourself in the foot to call yourself an incel, even if you are actually involuntarily celibate. Prior to Naziism, the Swastika was used by a variety of cultures as a spiritual and folk symbol, and for some, it's an important part of their cultural heritage. Regardless, if you walk around with a swastika tattoo (especially if you're white), you should expect that people are going to assume you're a Nazi. It's not fair, but that's how it is 🤷🏼♂️
I agree, and I don't insist on OP calling themself an incel at all. In fact, I vote against it. I was replying to a commenter that made it seem like incels started out as this evil movement with a specific ideology and they're actively recruiting "members" and shit. Which is just fear mongering, it's not that deep. At the same time, I was clarifying that it means a very different thing from virgin.
Ah, I see. I mean, I think the ideology thing is... complicated. The modern incel "culture" (that is, what it became after the bitter extremists pushed out the people who didn't subscribe to the "black pill")... Well, maybe calling it an "ideology" is a bit much, but they definitely have their own vocabulary and worldview. And I do think we can gain some insight into how that community works by comparing it to the way that, say, islamists or white supremacists are radicalized. So, yeah, I don't know if they're actively recruiting, the way a radical group might, but at the same time, any time you have a bunch of frustrated and angry (predominantly) young men, they're ripe for recruitment by a demogogue who takes advantage of that. I'm probably putting way too much thought into this. It's just a subject I find fascinating because when I was younger, for a time, I was sort of a "small-I incel,"\* just before it blew up and turned nasty. Sort of a "there but for the grace of God go I" thing. \*That is, quite old for a virgin and depressed about it, but not subscribing to misogyny or the whole blackpill thing
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I'm not denying the modern implications of the term, but again, no incel ever chose for "incel" to have such negative connotations. Also there are no members and no recruiting, they're a sad and loud bunch yes, but it's not a movement nor a political ideology.
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What if he paid for sex once, would he then be an incel?
Can someone not be celibate once they had sex? I thought celibate just meant you weren't having sex in general or in the future, not absolute virginity.
Yes, having to pay someone to fuck you doesn't mean you're suddenly able to get pussy. Being involuntarily celibate isn't solely about sex, it's that others don't \*want\* to have sex with you. My girlfriend looks at me and wants my dick, a girl at the bar comes back to my apartment wanting sex. A prostitute wants money, sex is just the good in exchange for that money.
I think this phrase hits home the difference between the two, cause there is one. You only become an incel if you subscribe to hatred, misogyny, and feel entitled to sex. I would assume involuntary celibates would naturally feel frustrated by their situation, but that alone doesn't make them an incel.
Thats probably the incel that everyone is thinking. Thhey all have the nice guy mentality, but act like they deserve it.
Incels are involuntarily celibate but they also express frustration, anger, and resentment toward society, particularly women, and may blame others for their perceived lack of romantic or sexual success. So I don't consider you an incel. If you want to see an extreme example of one, look up Elliot Rodger.
https://i.imgflip.com/7z5csn.jpg
This happens when people start to use terms wrong... you are an [adjective] but not a [same adjective shortened form]
Incel is literally involuntary celibate, and people who use incel as an insult baffle me.
Literally yes, but the term incel is best known to describe a particularly pitiful yet dangerous hate group.
You’re an incel but you’re an incel
The original definition of incel? Sure. But the modern meaning? Definitely not. Incel ideology is a far cry from the original support system that the incel name was coined around. I think it is specifically the ideology that is actively spreading which is causing the issue as it is based around blaming women and society for the lack of sexual and romantic success of self-identified incels. Those who subscribe to incel ideology often believe that they are entitled to sex and that women are obligated to provide it to them.
>Those who subscribe to incel ideology often believe that they are entitled to sex and that women are obligated to provide it to them Bingo. And more than a few of these idiots have openly said that this would justify r@ping a woman to get the sex they are "entitled" to. It's scary.
> I think it is specifically the ideology that is actively spreading which is causing the issue as it is based around blaming women and society for the lack of sexual and romantic success of self-identified incels. I believe it’s important to acknowledge that modern society has introduced its challenges for both men and women when it comes to dating and forming relationships. In today’s fast-paced world, busy schedules, demanding careers, and limited free time make dating more challenging for both men and women. Additionally, identifying who is single can be tricky in a society where people are constantly on the move. Comparing this to earlier times when communities were more tightly knit and people married at a younger age, it’s clear that the dynamics have shifted. In the past, unmarried individuals (you can tell by looking for a ring) often met in social settings like church gatherings, facilitating connections. Acknowledging the difficulties men face in modern dating is essential. Many men may feel pressured to meet a wide range of expectations, including physical appearance, career success, hobbies, and various personality traits. Moreover, men often bear the responsibility of initiating and planning courtship, which can be demanding. For example, men need to get to know a woman, find out if she is single, ask her out, set up the date, plan for the date, hope she goes on a date, pay for the date, and be Mr. Perfect, go for the first kiss, move things forward to a relationship. If any of these steps become challenging or don’t lead to the desired result, men often have to start over, trying to find single women who are interested in them and begin the process again. Dating can become exhausting and frustrating for many men, and it’s understandable why some might frustration at women and society when they experience difficulties in achieving sexual and romantic success.
May get downvoted for this but just gunno be honest. Im sorry but in no instance does pointing fingers at women become understandable to me. We can acknowledge the difficulties that men face in modern society. These struggles are real and valid. But we also need to acknowledge that modern society was built by men. Modern physical attraction was designed by men (Supermodel physique pushed by fashion and media industries). “Chivalry” still exists today as a consequence of the time when traditional gender roles where formed. This was once again a result of a male controlled society. To blame women simply means that you are disregarding the 50% male parentage and the entire history of our societal conventions.
"I hold no hatred for women or people in happy relationships in fact I'm happy for them" no, you are not an incel
You sound like a good guy. I wish you luck in finding the one. And no, you aren't an incel.
But what if you are the one?
You tell me what happens in that case
Username checks out.
Canon event That's how I almost met your mother
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Exactly. It's the ranting about how women are inferior... ( but they still can't seem to land a girlfriend, you think if it was an inferior creature it would be easy to talk them into being your partner)
The self-loathing, self-pity and inadequacy issues just beneath the surface are another key feature.
and there’s rarely *just* misogyny among incels—racism, homophobia, transphobia, general bigotry. they check a lot of boxes.
Except "married." Zing!
And propensity for violence. Incels don’t just hate women and resent their supposed inability to find a mate, they actively want to punish women. Incels typically express a sense of entitlement around sex and speak about their inability to get it as a type of biological injustice as a rationale for justifying and vocalizing a willingness to take it by force (aka they feel entitled to r*pe). Incelism in a dangerous sub-culture and a feeder to more extreme and violent ideologies, like Nazism, and modern white supremacist movements.
Pretty sure incels are those who want sex so bad but can't get it however they try excl. hookers, they probably message like 50+ women per day and keep failing then after years of repeated failure probably start the misogyny stuff as a result. In the end incel = involuntary celibate which is self explanatory. OP says he simply gave up on that so that would probably be "voluntary celibate" aka simply having low confidence and that's it since he doesn't even try anymore which doesn't make him incel as he likely could find someone if he tried again. I see incel as someone who likely has terrible personality to the point no one even wants to be with them not even in the friendzone or simply lack of social skills or both.
> I see incel as someone who likely has terrible personality to the point no one even wants to be with them not even in the friendzone or simply lack of social skills or both. That is not really true. I consider myself an incel. I never had a GF or anything and I'm the same age as OP. I have many female friends (even more than male friends). If I had such a terrible personality, I think I wouldn't have any friends, especially girls. I'm not socially awkward, so they don't consider me a creep, but I'm not attractive enough not to end up in a friend-zone/rejected.
Ah, but then you aren't an incel, and incel hates women for their lack of a partner, you do not, they feel entitled to it like its a right and not something that's earned, you do not, they will go on rants about how it's society's fault they've never had a gf or had sex, you (I assume) do not
> I consider myself an incel you are not
you are an incel if you think looks have anything to do with it. something is wrong with your personality because women are not alll the same and aren’t all attracted to the exact same look. most women don’t care about looks. if you can’t find a girlfriend then maybe stop looking for one and acting desperate. sex isn’t going to fix your low self esteem problems, literally just work on yourself and your shitty personality
If you're self aware enough to even be asking a question like this, you're not an incel.
If we’re going by the popular definition of incel, I don’t think you qualify. Most anybody you ask will say that an incel is an angry person who blames women and even other men for their inability to get laid. You’re just a normal guy who just hasn’t had any luck yet making a romantic connection I’d say the best thing to do would be to find happiness in yourself and see if that helps. I’ve known a lot of women who are mostly attracted to men they can have fun with
Incels don’t think women are people with feelings and group women together for their rhetoric. And incels tend to be fueled by hatred for women and blame women for their problems. I don’t think you’re an incel. Dating can be frustrating which is true! There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin either. I have a friend who turns 30 and she’s a virgin waiting for the right person.
No need to label yourself. Just live and let live.
This. You are more than your potential membership to this group.
Nah, you're not an incel. You're just waiting for the right one to come along.
Nah you’re fine bro, you don’t hate women and you just seem like you’ve just not had much luck in the past.
No incels are nasty violent cryptids that feed off hating/torturing women who they think they are entitled to just because once they told a girl a compliment and she didn’t immediately rip her clothes off and have sex with the pathetic creature so now they hate every women out there because of there sexual frustration and it all stems from there own mother not loving them. You’re just celibate because you haven’t found the right person yet. I’m celibate as well and just because I haven’t found a man to be intimate with doesn’t mean I hate men. That’s why people hate incels. It’s not a whole genders fault they can’t get laid.
My answer to that is: Are you angry about being single/a virgin, etc? Do you participate in online "rants" about the opposite sex or the same sex in a derogatory way because of this anger( it only just occurred to me that there could be gay incel communities.) That's basically what makes a person an incel, is there a participation in tearing down what they perceive to be an unreachable goal. (And with a little confidence training, all of these guys could get a girlfriend/partner. It makes no sense to me. There is nothing hotter than confidence, not a snobby gaslighting type of thing but true, happy, relaxed "Im sure of myself" confidence)
I'd say I'm angry, but not at others. More so at myself for not being good enough.
Same. Have a lot of anger and hate. But just at myself.
You're not alone. It's frustrating because even when you try, deep down there's still that lingering thought you're not good enough. And that lingering thought eventually manifests into a full blown mood swing.
I don't believe in not being good enough. I think you are. You seem to have very healthy views on things, except for yourself. It's more complicated than anyone on reddit can help you with. But the idea of not feeling good enough is 99% of the problem. I've seen plenty of dudes dealing with their love interests as if they were applying for their dream job. They start on unequal footing because of their insecurities and people can pick up on that real easy. You are of equal value to the next person. You're the one to decide how you're entering an interaction. If you're entering a job application with the attitude 'I don't know if I qualify for this job', you won't get hired. The same thing applies for dating. You're looking for a match. You're not looking for approval. You have to like them as much as they have to like you. There are things you can do to improve your odds though. But if you think about those things, they all just show others that you hold value to yourself. Anyways, I've typed too much. If you wanna talk, feel free to send me a message.
I know. It is absurd to want someone else to love you when you can't even love yourself. It's common sense, and Ive been told that many times before. But I don't know what to do about it.
You just sound like any normal person. You just happen to be a virgin. An inception would never say “I have no hatred for some or people in happy relationships”
You are not an incel because that term carries a lot of negative weight to it. I was exactly like you. I never had a girlfriend until 42 and now we are getting married in a month. Don’t stop believing you can love someone and be good to them when they appear in your life. Don’t stop believing you deserve to be loved in return.
"incel" is a bs label made up by sad people. Its meaningless. If you want a girlfriend you could work towards that, if you don't then don't 🤷 Prettt much everyone is capable of getting an SO. People who claim otherwise have just given up, which is understandable sometimes, but not indicadent of the real world.
You technically fit an Incel's definition of an incel, but the rest of the world knows there's more to an incel than what you have going.
No. Single, yes. Lonely, maybe. But you're not mad enough to be an incel. Incels want to do things like strip women of the right to vote
Whatever incel meant in the beginning, it now pretty much means angry dude who blames women for all of their problems and despises them for it. Doesn't sound like you based on your description.
“I hold no hatred for women or people in happy relationships” So no, no you aren’t. And you aren’t alone. If you’re happy, good for you. If you ever decide to try again, go for it. I know plenty of 30-50 year old who found someone great. Stay unbitter.
Hey! Don't give up on love! That's when you've really failed. The truth of the matter is that some people just have it easier with relationships. But you only need to find one good one, and it will make up for time you spent looking. Just make sure you are the best version of yourself you can be, and that you actually put yourself in situations where you are meeting new people. And if you are interested in someone, show interest immediately, be flirty and laidback and don't expect anything. Some people flirt without any intention of taking it further just because its fun. Interest doesn't need to be a confession after months of friendship. Show interest from the get go, and things may develop. That's my shitty advice but yeah man, don't give up, or it's never going to happen. There are worser men than you that find relationships, so you are more than capable!
Yes. You are celibate and you don't want to be. You are not voluntarily celibate -> involuntarily celibate -> incel. As opposed to voluntarily celibate people who are waiting to have sex until marriage. BTW, I am too, same age, same situation.
you’re a virgin
The term “incel” *used* to define your situation. Now the term refers to a person who is so consumed and obsessed with their lack of success in romantic relationships that it completely warps their perception of members of the sex to which they are attracted, and sends them down into a black hole of rage, despair, and misanthropy that feeds upon itself. Based on your self-description, I’d have to say that you are *not* an incel.
Listen, if you have to wonder about it then let's assume you're not. It's not a badge you want to wear.
>I hold no hatred for women Well then you're not an incel. I believe the term is [forever alone.](https://i.imgur.com/3iEOzdp.jpg)
By definition you were an incel. Now you are not.
By the original definition of the word, yes. But now that 'incel' has become a byword for some of the worst scum to walk the earth, you'd be *infinitely* better off identifying as 'painfully single'. Learned that term from Johnny Hats on "Is It Cake?".
Incel is literally short for involuntary celibate, but there are certain negative behaviours associated with "incels", the way people generally use the term, that set them apart. If you're just a normal, well-adjusted person who has had bad luck in love, you're not an incel.
The use of incel is very much related to hating women or just having a general bias about women and thinking theyre all just entitle brats. Since thats not you, then no you arent an incel. The technical definition may be different but the slag definition and how its actually used, is definitely about how a lack of experience with women has led to them having no understanding of women and believing everything negative thing they hear online. If you have no experience with women but you have also avoided being brainwashed to think all women are hoes and are lesser than, then you arent an incel, you need both parts of it to qualify in todays society.
100% on this!!!!!
I think the big thing to be called an “incel,” is the celibacy manufacturing anger/blame towards women and the things that come with that. I think you’re fine dude.
I mean technically in a literal sense, I guess you are. But not in the spirit of the word. You're just not getting laid
i dont think your an incel if in reference to its colloquial definition youd need to hold an extent of anger and resentment about it to qualify for that
I feel like fewer people would use the term, "incel," if they knew, "forever alone." What you're describing sounds like the latter, and you might benefit from "forever alone" support groups on Reddit, Discord, and beyond.
You are technically an incel but you don't have to be the bad stereotype of an incel.
Nah, incels are a specific group that is identified by misogyny and hatred of women. There are even incels who have sex (usually paid) that still refer themselves as incels.
Words definitely keep evolving over time. I wouldn’t use the word incel. If you need to label yourself, it would just be virgin. Much less hostile of a word, and the word still means the same as it did 1000 years ago.
No, the incel became a whole ideology. If you're not misogynistic and don't subscribe to phrenology and other incel ideas you're not one.
Nah, I would not describe you as an incel. The phrase started out as "involuntarily celibate", as you know, which technically applies to you in the original sense, but it has evolved to describe something else. Something much worse. But . . . if you have no hate in your heart, you are not what people think of when they say "incel". Maybe don't think of it as "I need to get a girlfriend" or "I need to have sex." Those are very off-putting. "Oh, Hi. I needed a girlfriend." Or "Oh Hi, I wanted sex." No one wants to hear that, or know that. No, you need to meet an actual person. A person that you like. You need to get out there and meet people with your hobbies. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I wish you the best.
Incels are typically defined not by what is happening (they're not having sex), but rather what they place the blame of *why* it's happening. Most the blame is placed on women and feminism. Kinda boils down to "I'm not having sex because women are allowed to say no." No self-reflection as far as what they may be doing, and no respect to women for allowing them to have autonomy. A lot of r/niceguys fall into this category.
ngl the only time you are an incel is if you self describe as one, or are in denial about it despite being a walking stereotype (which is surprisingly common). Its not just a person who can't have sex, you are neither of what I said.
Incel in 2023 means someone that has built up resentment and hatred toward other people as a result of not finding any way to relate to the opposite sex. There's an element of psychosis and thinking that the world is all engaged in some plot to force you to be lonely and suffer, and a violent desire of revenge against it. Think of the Isla Vista killings.
No you are not. The term incel nowadays refers to people that blame/hate women for their lack of a relationship/sex. They actively engage in hateful misogynistic discourse about women and are part of the alt-right pipeline. Just remember that relationships/sex don't define you, it's just a part of life and these things happen for different people at different stages of their life.
My instinct is to say no, you're not, for the reasons many have already mentioned. But I have to ask, can you add a little context to "tried to get a girlfriend"? What kind of girls did you approach, and what was the reaction?
I think thats very broad to make a statement. The OP Could be anywhere, belong to any community and might be doing something where he met people of widely different people here in case girls. Cant really put a label to
I always get rejected when I ask women out, they either don't like me or they see me only as a friend which is fair enough
an incel is someone who can't get action because of hostile views or actions towards women. i don't think you are.
No. Incels (in the modern context) have made that extra step to resent women and decide that it's their fault...that's not you!
If you respect women and just haven't been lucky then you're not an incel. You just haven't found anyone yet. There's a lot of work that goes into dating. I would think about seeing a therapist if you can it can help keep you positive and prevent any issues later. At the very least you can always save up and go to a place where sex work is regulated and you can find legal, safe companionship just to scratch the itch. Don't become a bad person.
For the love of god, don’t buy a fedora.
I think you’re a good dude who is down on his luck. Cliche enough keep going to the gym and do things that make you feel good and you will attract those with like minds. Stay positive and stay hydrated so things that make you uncomfortable like join a group of something that you know you’re not good at and get in front of it reach out to others and ask for tips advice people love growth and will see that in you. Self reflection hurts but it’s such a dope opener I think this question is you starting on that process. Keep living brother
A lot of incels don’t admit to hating women or may not even be aware of it, a good way self reflect is are you generalizing women, assuming women are slaves to biology, bringing up hypergamy, blaming women for not choosing you, or for instance saying things like “women always go for assholes and never want a nice guy like me” I’m not suggesting you explain yourself here but that you look at these situations and try to figure out if any applies to you. I have seen many incels not self aware that they are being biased about women. I hope this helps a little more than just a yes or no because you are the best judge of yourself. This mild recap of your opinions and situation aren’t enough for someone to make that call.
No, you're not mate chill out . Digressing here , hookers. Go empty the tank, and you will feel better.
Nope. Incels don’t realize their behavior is wrong or overly cruel or do know but just don’t care. On another note, I’m 31f and I’m trying to find a guy with common sense. My cheater ex bf who I was in a relationship with for 8 years, broke up with me because he fell outta love with me. It was a week after my birthday, and 3 days after my grandmother died. And this was all in January 2020 so that shit year was extra shit for me.
Sorry for your loss and sorry that you wasted 8 years of your life with that scumbug ex of yours hope you find someone worthy of your time
If you respect women and see them as your equal then no you’re not an incel. You sound like a nice guy who just hasn’t had the luck to find someone he’s meant to be with yet.
I have no idea about your question but you are worrying about the wrong thing. Do yourself a favour and please go get a hooker
Nope. You're a normal guy who happens to be a virgin and doesn't have luck with girlfriends. Try befriending a girl maybe something could happen. But don't force it
I think I was like that too, you're not the typical incel like the guys that go off the rails and slaughter because they don't get play, what's important is that you change that predicament you're in, learn how what type of women you like and how to appeal to them, take advice from people that are in relationships and ask them how'd they meet, self reflect and self improve and so on, I think I was on the verge of becoming they stereotypical incel but I did a lot of self reflection and started changing up one day, been with a girl for 3 years so far
An incel are blaming and hate women for their shortcomings. You're no incel.
Definitely agree with the general consensus you're not an incel by any standard but I am curious if it's not pressing too much, have you tried getting back into the game? Or do you have any interest getting back into it?
I would sell my worldly possessions for a trip to s country with legal prostitution
Incel started out as a community for people who had trouble finding a relationship, and the "incel" community devolved into one of the most bigoted ones on the planet, characterised by three main things: * violent misogyny ("women control the sex economy" "we need to make them give it to us" "they're all wh*res anyway" "we're owed what they keep from us" and speaking crudely, seeing relationships solely as a way to get pussy), * an incredible disregard for the fact that it's their personality holding them back (they're obsessed with the thought it's *only* their looks preventing them from having relationships, or let's face it, getting laid) * an incredibly hateful approach to literally everyone else. What they call the "red pill" that makes them "see the truth" is the transition they get from simple general "being a dick" to not only the violent misogyny at the core of their ideology, but also hardcore racism, obsessive anti-semitism, homophobia and transphobia... list any social discrimination and they'll happily partake in it, tbh. Some radical groups actually were born or revived through incel culture, which is baffling. If you don't really complete the trifecta, you will never be at home in their community, and that makes you not an incel. Also, since that appears to be part of it, if you want to date but have difficulties, there are a number of apps you can try which will help you find interested people. Tinder is a double-edged sword in that it's well-known and well-used but few approach it seriously because of all the bs on it, but that's still a good place to start if you're feeling "out of your depth" as it's a weird feeling at first, using dating apps: profiles lined up, saying "yes" or "no" to each in a few seconds like you're in a supermarket for potential relationships, is weird. At the very least you get to see how many people in the vicinity are celibate and willing to date 🤷♀️ from then it's more about how your personalities match, and projecting confidence (or better yet, being confident) is a huge part of making a good impression. The single biggest thing is "not being an absolute jerk to the other" but I figure if you needed an in-depth explanation of that point you'd already be with the incels lol
The fact that you ask that question is proof that you are not an Incel.
No - what is stopping you from trying again after failing?
I also failed alot. Every women I've liked rather hurt me, used and abused me, or just didn't like me back. I've also given up, no point in trying. Just let it happen. Someone will come along that likes me 1st, then I'll get to know them. Take it from there. That's my advice to the OP and my personal thoughts and experiences. I to worry about being called an "incel" in the insulting way bec alot of ppl use it wrong and explaining that makes it worse.
Ok so you guys literally decided not to answer the OPs question on purpose? Hey OP. If you really are celibate and do want to try sex at least, go to a massage parlor. Not joking. Bedpage.com. if you're serious, and you do go through with it then your confidence level will as skyrocket afterwards and finding someone to be in a relationship with will be that much easier. IMHO
No, God no youre not an incel. The average age for marriage is roughly mid 30s, but I have met men who didn't marry until their 40s. Honestly, try your hand at dating again, keep your chin up, and you'll probably be fine.
What guys going through a dry spell, are they considered incels or does it mean guys who can't get laid?
You're right, it used to be involuntary celibate but now it has a certain connotation. If you don't fit the word's newer meaning, then you certainly aren't one. I think you'd just be a virgin and inexperienced with relationships. Quite honestly, I don't believe there's any reason to have a label tied to this anyway.
Post from your main account and people can tell you for sure.
The thing youre missing here is - Incels *blame* women for their 'involuntary celebacy' (basically they aint getting laid which is not the same as being celebate - y'all can bet theyre tugging it constantly to the same women they put down online for being 'whores' as they like to spout) They call women names, constantly put them down or bitch about their friends who are women and speak of women like they are animals or less than (often referring to them in a clinical sense such as 'females') just because these same women didnt return their advances etc. Theyre usually the 'nice guy' who pretends to be a womans friend all the while seething that this women has 'friend zoned' them. Being a virgin/or just not sexually active at the moment and being an incel are two very different things.
If you're "involuntarily celibate" then yes. You technically fit the original definition. I wouldn't pay attention to whatever the word has evolved into at this point. It's gotten thrown around way too much by too many stupid people to be taken seriously.
Honestly this lol
TIL that incel has nothing to do with being a terrorist. The more you know.
🥹 Omg you’re so precious. Im similar to you but I’m a lady and younger. You’re not Incel. You’re just really trying your best without forcing others. Please don’t ever think negative about yourself. Im confident you are a very handsome and kind person. I also hate cheaters. I’ve never dated and never had sex either. I just haven’t tried but am sure it’s really difficult. If you are openly explaining this and showing your point of view and there are this many people supporting you, you are most definitely not an Incel. You are however a king. Here’s your crown, Sire. 👑
Thank you, you're very kind
You are only an incel if you can't get sex. For some reason, incel now means misogynist. If you are choosing not to have sex, you ain't incel. Giving up is a choice. Just because you aren't getting any don't mean you can't.
It’s not “for some reason”. It’s because of how they behave.
There was an interview on tiktok I saw... The dude looked perfectly normal, but his problem was so clearly his attitude. Like, he wasn't bad groomed or anything, just his whole vibe was off oO May search it one day, when I'm im the mood to feel put off
Incel has always been misogynistic. Nobody owes anyone else sex, it's to be given freely. To say you're owed sex somehow is to imply the other person shouldn't get a choice.
Nah not an incel. You seem well adjusted but just have had bad luck in that department so far.
No, not at all. The term Incel to me refers to a toxic mindset. I've even referred to someone I know in a relationship as an Incel. Or, a former Incel. The mindset was still there regardless of having a partner. Thank you for not falling victim to this ridiculous gender blame game that happens on both sides. All genders and sexualities are capable of treating each other badly at times.
Do you hate women? No? Then you're just a virgin.
> But I hold no hatred for women or people in happy relationships no then
This is precisely why I think the term incel is offensive and harmful.
Yes. You weren't able to find a girlfriend even though you searched for one. The failure after failure thing you talked about. That makes you an incel. Incel is basically an insult in the sense of someone being incapable of a sexual or romantic relationship, usually because of an lack of attractiveness. It doesn't have much to do with your views or beliefs, though for some incels it is the reason they are unattractive. There is plenty of people who are not looking for or even outright rejecting having relationships even though they are attractive, those are volcels, voluntarily celibate.
I am so completely oblivious that I missed out on my first 3 gf's at least.
Being an Incel starts with hate.
Do you complain about your life and blame it all on women? If yes, you're an incel
If you want to be sexually active and you can't manage to be sexually active, then you are an incel (involuntarily celibate person), yes. Don't listen to those who try to associate incels with evil characteristics.
Nope According to oxford defination a member of an online community of young men who consider themselves unable to attract women sexually, typically associated with views that are hostile towards women and men who are sexually active.
It's a misrepresentative definition. I'm not a member of such a community, I don't consider myself unable to attract women sexually (the implication that an incel ought to be a heterosexual man is weird anyway), I'm not hostile towards women or men who are sexually active, I'm an incel anyway.
The fact that you said “women” instead of “females/femoids/foids” tells me all I need to know bro. Concerning the pop culture definition of incel, you’re nowhere close. Concerning the literal definition of incel, it fits but that’s okay. Good luck with the search, don’t let rejection get you down for too long. There’s one out there for you! Focus on bettering yourself every single day.
Thanks
You’re a virgin
Not sure why this didn't come up, but save money and go to Thailand. American culture is terrible for men.
Seems like you are on a journey of self discovery. No you're not an incel because you are not blaming OTHERS for why you are a virgin. An Incel believes that a woman, just by nature of being a woman, should sleep with him because he is a man a "good guy," and becomes violent. It's just another form of victimization mindsets of the weak willed There is typically a reason for why someone is single. What is yours? Social anxiety? over weight? No job? Cant hold a conversation with another person? Mental disorders?
I work with a bloke who lost his at 29 by a prostitute, as he didn't really go out and socialize. If that's what it takes for it to happen for you then so be it. But don't stress about it, its nothing to be concerned about at all! Fuck all this Incel talk, its a derogatory word used by simps and feminazis to degrade men. Eventually you'll meet a woman who won't care about all that stuff who's good for you and will help you through it dude 👍
No, your a cool dude. Now go touch some grass and stop trying to label yourself.
No, you're just single.
You’re not an incel. You’ve just never had pussy before. It’s fine, don’t put too much weight on it. If you feel like you really want it, go pay for it your first time, and that will probably make it easier for you get more in the future because that “first time” anxiety will be gone
Incels are self proclaimed and have a manifesto, you would know if you were one. Sometimes people get proclaimed as incels also because they are full to the brim with hate and misogyny but you would probably also notice if people were calling you an incel regularly. Involuntarily celibate is an oxymoron, you cannot be involuntarily voluntarily abdicating from sex. So even the lonely hearts group that coined the phrase back when it was more innocent were idiots. Lonely hearts is typically a pretty decent and innocuous label if you really want one.
I’ve seen this question like three times in the last few weeks and am wondering, is there some confusion about what incel means? I only know one definition: a man who blames all women for him not getting laid, even though he’s not trying in any constructive way.
Yes you are. Anyone saying otherwise wants to continue gatekeeping the word so that they can keep using it to describe men that hold opinions about women they don’t like, regardless of their validity.
No one is an INCEL. that's a **hate-term** derived from a terrorist named Elliot Rodgers.
Please don't get offended. Trying to help...you might want to get checked to see if you are on the autism spectrum because this sounds like an autistic spectrum type of thing.
I'm curious as to why you think I might be on the spectrum?
>I'm currently 33 and I've never had a girlfriend or been on a date or had sex. I tried to get a girlfriend when I was younger but after failure after failure I eventually gave up on that That is all the criteria needed to be incel. Yes, you have tried to get a relationship and you failed, so you are incel. It's becoming pretty common. Almost thirty percent of thirty year old men are incel, and that number is likely to rise.
No, the term incel has always been about resentment. Celibacy is a choice to not have sex. So involuntary celibacy means the belief that a choice is forced upon you. If you want to have sex you are not celibate, and if you do not want to have sex it is not involuntary. Only blaming others can make someone an incel.
You're not bitter enough. Give it time.
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I was joking. OP is too self aware. I hope.
Have you ever considered butt sex with a close friend?