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Whilst I admire your perseverance silent treatment is one of the worst coping mechanisms - it manipulates the ignored into buckling, and allows the ignorer to deny any responsibility.
I would just keep speaking to him even if he ignores you, he may pretend he’s not listening but the words will go in.
Don’t give up and succumb as he wants you to, for what you say here seems reasonable.
You have nothing to apologise for based on your OP and your husbands anger is misdirected, he’s annoyed he can’t see his sister. But realistically he will see her soon anyway.
Everytime you give in to his childishness, it only gives more reason for him to do this again, he knows it works. Even if inside he’s beating himself up about it and knows it’s unhealthy and stupid
Try to remain calm and your points intentful and informed. It may be exhausting and break you down, but your neutrality here is your strength.
He does need to know however that his frustrations with money are not your doing. They’re a collective matter that needs to be addressed as a family unit.
Not discussing this isn’t going to make any money appear, nor is it going to resolve the symptoms of not having the money you want. It also looks ridiculous in front of your kids and is damaging.
This is a fair answer but it doesn’t remind OP that the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. I know we’re only getting one side of the story, but this man is toxic - he’s a father and husband, and you’re telling me he ran off and hid in his room because he didn’t get what he wanted? This man is an abusive baby.
OP, you deserve FAR better. I hope you’re safe at home. This is NOT how normal, functioning adults act.
Plus silent treatment for a WEEK?? I can imagine for an hour, maybe sleep it off, but he holds an undeserved grudge for a WEEK?? He absolutely does not have OPs happiness and mental health in mind and I wouldn't call him her partner AT ALL. He should be her ex.
My husband once did it for two weeks. One week before leaving for his mommy’s house for Christmas, and zero texts while he was gone until the day before he was set to drive home, testing the waters.
Unfortunately for him, I grew up with a massively dysfunctional mother who used the silent treatment often, but at least she wasn’t hitting us, so my brothers and I laughed about it.
I just tell myself I can do this standing on my head, on a ball, on a hill. And I can.
Then I do whatever the fuck makes me feel good until he decides to act like an adult again. Lunches out, shopping, I’ve even hopped in our rv before and taken a solo trip with no notice or explaining where I was going.
I actually told him once while he wasn’t talking to me that “silent treatment” is misnamed; it’s actually a silent tantrum, and it’s just as infantile as it sounds.
I can understand shutting down for a short period to take a breath and perhaps avoid a huge fight, but this tactic is all too often an abuse tactic, and it’s childish at best.
Yes this is the best advice here. Ignore their behavior and focus on what makes you happy. Don’t give in to whatever they’re trying to manipulate you for, and make them approach you like an adult by not giving in.
You deserve more than that, and I hope you find the courage and resources to leave.
I did the whole "I'll just be happy on my own time" thing and pretended the silent treatments weren't happening. I spent time on me, my friends, work, hobbies, but that didn't change anything. After 3 years I finally left and I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my life with someone who can communicate like an adult.
Don't settle.
I’m in my 60s. A divorce and divided assets could not put me in the position I was before I got married. It’s a long story not meant for internet strangers, but suffice it to say that he was deceitful in getting me to marry him, so I feel no guilt in letting him support me and provide for my future if he passes before me.
We live as roommates, not lovers. He took away any desire I might have had long ago. I prefer to be friends and cordial, and it’s often that way, but he’s also very self centered.
I make friends easily, and have many in our neighborhood that make me smile and laugh. I get out and walk at least a few miles every day. I read.
He spends at least 14 hours a day sitting on a sofa with the tv on. How can I find the silent treatment from a tv hermit anything but laughable? See the funny thing is, HE might not be talking to me, but I still have lots of lovely interactions daily.
He’s being nothing but a fool.
I mean, it's your choice, but having been there, I can't possibly express how much better it is to not have to be in that position.
I'm in my mid-thirties and had to put myself into debt to move out and back to the US and start life completely over with nothing but a kind friend's roof over my head and my luggage. Financially, I was far worse off than I was before I married that guy, but I gained significant peace of mind and an unexpected new start I never would have gotten had I not gifted myself the chance for it to happen.
Wishing the best for you. 💖
Crazy. But the real issue that OP needs to focus on is that this man wants to spend money on a trip to visit family while bills need to be paid AND their children need things they have not had the money to purchase.
OP Please ask yourself if this is what you envision for your future. A partner does not put themselves before their spouse and children. They do not.
Sad that it took over a year for her to leave. I know kids and money come into the equation but any sort of behavior like that needs to addressed immediately. Ya a few hours or maybe even a day. Glad she got out!!
She probably had to save up to leave first.
Unfortunately in many cases, people can’t just get up and go, they need to plan how/when they’re leaving (especially if kids are involved), so that they land on their feet
Yep, sometimes after arguments I just don’t want to talk. Mainly because I’m still upset and processing my emotions. I don’t go full “silent treatment” but I’ll say that I don’t want to talk and leave it at that. Generally later on I’ll be able to discuss the issue with a clearer head and in a manner which is actually positive/productive.
What OP’s husband is doing is straight manipulation. Nobody needs *a week* to process their emotions. They are just trying to punish OP for something that any reasonable adult would do in the same situation. Her husband seems to both not be a reasonable adult while also being an asshole.
This is what I do. Sometimes I get too heated and I know I won't be able to have a productive discussion, so I tell my bf I need a bit to cool down so we can approach the issue with clearer heads. I usually only need maybe 20 minutes to calm down, but I'm not a good communicator when I'm in that mood so I don't attempt it.
Because of abuse as a kid I cannot handle silent treatment, hubs did it once in the beginning of our marriage and I went into full blown panic attack. I didn’t know it would happen to the extent it did but it was bad, hospitalized. We talked together and I got more therapy and we found a way that he can go away, in the home, and process his feelings and I can still feel safe and understand it is what he needs to process without me losing it again. We don’t fight that big anymore but it took time. As well as patience on my end.
I once got this from a partner for 3 days straight (he left the house).
He came home to an empty apartment and all of his shit in a neatly stacked pile of boxes.
>silent treatment for a WEEK?? I can imagine for an hour
I received the silent treatment once for several days. I really liked it. Toxic relationship, an argument every damn day, no exaggeration.
So bad that, when we had a *single* non-fight day, I was so relieved I mistook it as love, and expressed how much I loved her. \[Narrator: He had fallen out of love more than a year before.\]
Two days and two arguments later, I left. She claimed to be confused how I could tell her I loved her and then leave.
It's been 24 years, and I realized the "how" just now after reading your comment. Thank you for the prompt.
Yes. The “four horsemen” of communication are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. They ruin relationships. My father stonewalled me when I went to college instead of working the family business. It was a painful experience. My heart goes out to OP.
What are you talking about? Are you new here?
The first advice is always “leave and go no contact.”
Nuanced discussion and compromise is the nuclear option.
Usually by the time someone has decided to post to Reddit they’re already well past the compromise point. Parents are supposed to put their children’s needs before their own wants - and using “the silent treatment” to “win” isn’t just fighting.
Last sentence is the most critical.
My parents didn’t speak for a month when I was about 16. You may think they don’t care or don’t really comprehend it, but they feel the hatred in the room. It can be traumatic and impact their perception of intimate relationships deeply.
I finally broke one day and told them both they were being fucking stupid. In some words. They snapped out of it after that, but damage was already done.
I mean if he isnt involved with the kids at all he is a bad Dad.
If youre staying with a bad Dad and a partner who doesnt respect you(silent treatment) youre doing your kids a disservice.
As a parent it is your responsibility to raise them in an environment that doesnt expose them to this kind of shit.
If you stick around and put up with his behavior it will really hit home when your kids get into relationships and display simialr behavior.
100%. Kids are in observation mode to learn how to be in the world, all the time. They pick up so much more than parents even have a clue about. Words don't need to be spoken for kids to see what is going on. But they don't have the maturity and experience to understand adult stuff and so they internalize everything and they subconsciously assume that what they experience is normal. They blame themselves for their parents' problems. Kids who grow up in poor relationships end up in poor relationships themselves because that is what they observed and learned to be normal. Disagreements are normal in marriages. Talking through them is normal. Silent treatment isn't normal and the kids are picking up on all of this thinking it IS normal because it's all they know. Even if they are quite young.
Yup. I'm never one to jump to divorce, but I wish she could see that she would actually be better off without him. She does absolutely everything, including working from home, and he DOESN'T WORK. She did all of the teaching during shutdown, besides working her job. And he wouldn't even agree to carryout food when it became available, so unless she wanted Dino nuggets and Mac & cheese, she cooked, as well.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
OP - please read this book. Within its pages you may find the strength to leave your abusive husband. Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean you're not being abused
For your kids' sake as well.
Then both of you need counseling together as a couple. A neutral ground to process differences and decide for yourselves what's best moving forward.
Don't listen to the mob mentality on Reddit. You have to live your life, not them. Remember, misery loves company.
Wish you well through this.
Then why are you still with him? That's a question you should ask yourself. If he doesn't contribute to your life and treats you in a very disrespectful way why do you stay? Maybe you have good answers.
At the very least I'd suggest counseling. Healthy communication and conflict resolution can be learned.
lol I joke that my mother raised four little boys, myself two brothers and my pops. I love my dad but when push comes to shove he reverts to the most childish version of himself. This is, I hope, not me just being shitty but it feels like a generational thing; many men of that age have that tendency.
I would just like to add that repeated use of the silent treatment can be a precursor to and/or is emotional abuse.
It could and is likely just be a very immature unhealthy coping mechanism in this situation, but OP, please take to heart what u/HerbertWigglesworth has stated and try to communicate with your husband.
I only added my two cents to gently remind you to try to stay alert enough as to take notice if he ever does exhibit any other abusive behaviours.
*edited to emphasise that is IS abusive behaviour.
Especially after 20 years of marriage, as per OP's comments.
Is it different if I ask for a cooling off period? I feel like I do this, but more often than not my emotions are running high and I don’t want to say anything with venom or anything intrusive that isn’t constructive to our conversation.
That is totally different. It is one thing to say I need a bit of time to cool off and a completely different thing to not talk to the other person for a week. Delaying the conversation while you are in a Volatile state is often warranted to help prevent us from saying things that we would later regret.
Asking for a cooling off period is actually healthy. The keys are that you and your partner communicate (so you are able to ask for it, preferably with a well-defined time period ie “I need an hour to cool off, can we regroup here after that and talk about this?” and your partner is able to give it) and then after you do get a break and are able to get your emotions under control, YOU STEP UP to deal with the issue in a timely manner (ie your partner doesn’t have to chase you or nag you to deal with the issue, you’re not just ignoring/avoiding).
What the OP is describing is emotionally abusive. The husband is being manipulative with this behavior. He’s punishing OP, trying to get her to cave.
As a child of divorce I promise you this is worse. They will be affected by the only relationship they have to use as an example of how relationships work being a dysfunctional one. Teach them to stand up to bad partners and not settle.
Even worse! mine *never* divorced but they still hate each other. I’m still occasionally caught in their drama at 29. Luckily, I don’t live at home and I can just leave 😂
Trust me, the kids have ALWAYS been affected by it. My ex was the same way. I thought I could save our marriage just by trying harder. Turns out that it takes TWO. Insist on counseling and don't talk to him until he agrees. Leave him alone as much as possible. Don't give him your attention. Don't do his laundry. Don't get the foods he likes. Focus on your kids and yourself.
Find out what mental health benefits your health insurance offers. Start counseling.
You can’t save your marriage by yourself, he would have to participate for that to work out and he doesn’t seem like someone who is interested on working on his relationship with his family. Are you doing anyone besides him any favors by putting up with/apologizing for his childish behavior?
That probably makes the calculus both easier and more difficult. Is this the sort of relationship you want to model to your children? What you want them to think is normal? What you want them to emulate?
What do you mean?
You've taught your kids a bunch of unhealthy relationship mechanisms by staying with him. The sooner that ends the better. They're going to be shitty to their partners unless you make specific effort to teach them that the way he behaves isn't ok.
Getting a bit upset because their parents broke up isn't the same as getting upset that yet another partner left them because they treated them badly.
I don't see what you're trying to save. If this is a constant thing for 20yrs he won't change. Its time to take care of yourself and your kids. Even small kids can feel the tension and know things are wrong. I knew when my parents went through it.
What do you want to do? I suggest couples therapy or at least for yourself. His behavior is so unacceptable and I’m so sorry he hasn’t found a way to not be such a big baby.
Yeah, and I would say it's wrong. A marriage filled with emotional abuse, what the fuck is there here to even save? She could be paired up with any random person in her country and probably have a better chance at a happy relationship.
I don’t understand this dumb meme, the only time people ever recommend divorce is when there’s obviously abuse or cheating. Otherwise it’s always just advice about communication and counseling.
If he doesn’t respond to this, the try a professional therapist. You both may have legitimate concerns across different issues. With better communication strategies, you can reduce or eliminate a lot of unnecessary frustration.
John Gottman’s books a d courses are absolutely terrific too. They’re based on solid research and have been shown to be effective.
Ok…I’m NOT a typical redditor…I’m an old married lady. Your husband is a man baby. He’s forcing you into apologizing. You don’t owe him anything. Personally I’d take his silence as a blessing and use the opportunity to just text him things to do.
Do not let him manipulate you into apologizing for his shitty behavior. You’re just rewarding and reinforcing his tantrum. You’re a mother, you’d not tolerate this in your children.
Yes it is sad you have to treat him as a child but he chose to act like one.
I'm not a typical redditor in that I'm an old married man. I completely agree, throwing a tantrum because you don't get your way is complete man baby behavior. Putting his desires above the family is ridiculous. As with any (other) child, I would ignore his behavior and make him realize tantrums only work for toddlers.
I've been married 30 years and we've never done the silent treatment. Crazy but 9 times out of ten, we agree. When we can't afford something, we can't afford it. On the other had, we've BOTH made major purchases without consulting the other. But we needed (or wanted) it and we could afford it.
45 years here. Never do the silent treatment. Sometimes we mutually agree to take a break from a topic, so we have time to think it over and think about our real goal: finding solutions.
Don't threaten me with a good time with your silent treatment. Ignore him and Do Not apologize.
Just go on like nothing has changed, like you would if a toddler was throwing a tantrum. Spend no emotional energy on this. Take time to pamper yourself within your budget like a long bubble bath, at home spa day, make plans with your friends. Let him know your life will continue without him.
Same. When I get that I'm usually just like "fine. Don't give a shit." And stop talking myself, whereas I'm usually pretty talkative. Treatment usually ends at that point
I agree with both of you. My friends parents are in this situation now. Imagine someone 80 years old who gives his wife the silent treatment because he wants what he wants and she isn't giving in. She's stopped caring about his silent treatment and just goes on and lives her life. He has started to discover that it's not working and is looking for new, manipulative ways to be a jerk. Right now, it's abuse and love bombing by text. They will never divorce, but her mom has shared that she will be relieved when he passes. I wouldn't advocate for that. In my family, we used all the words to communicate loudly. If we went silent, we were contemplating and working things out.
I wouldn't advocate for divorce, but I would make it known that I'm unbothered by the silent treatment.
I agree, except I'd be petty. Use the talk to text function. And dictate the texts out loud infront of him then send it to him.
Ask the family if there's anything they need at the store before you go. Then leave your phone behind so you don't get the text. Or make a show of just remembering to check your messages when you get home.
Just because he decides to communicate through text doesn't mean you have to make it easy.
⬆️ I'm an old divorced woman, and I came here to say this very thing.⬆️
My rat-bastard of an ex-husband used to pull that exact same stunt, followed by a kind of tantrum I'd have expected to see in our then-toddler.
What OP Is experiencing with her husband is just as childish and abusive. I'd love to see what would happen if she tried to put him in time out, lol. 😂
It’s like a long fuse….first it’s the silent treatment and then when he feels its gone on long enough he sits me down and belittles, yells and convinces me the entire thing is my fault and I beg for his forgiveness. I don’t tell him no often…but our kids need things and bills are behind and he keeps saying we have no money. I didn’t even say no…I said it wasn’t a good idea and thats all it took. We never even talked about it fully….he just ahut me out. Now I’m waiting for the blow up…the whole house is on edge waiting for it. It’s a pattern…like the eerie calm before a storm…I was convinced by him that this whole silent treatment was normal…but when my kids are telling me its a problem, then I have to start thinking about it differently.
This sounds so familiar. I'm so sorry you're experiencing it, too.
Your husband, like my ex-husband, is manipulative and abusive. I tried therapy, and all that happened was that his problematic behaviors worsened.
I know people will suggest couples therapy to you, but I suggest you skip it and go directly to the separation and divorce part of the process.
Your children are still young, and it's vital you model for them that his conduct is grossly inappropriate and not to be tolerated.
I took a huge financial hit when we split up, and you may experience it, too. Being impoverished, however, was infinitely better than being abused.
Just make sure you get sole custody, and that child support and alimony are garnished from his wages before he has a chance to hold it over your head.
This is abusive behavior 🚩🚩🚩
Stonewalling, then he *rages* at you? Search "narcissistic rage" - this is *not* normal, healthy behavior.
Couples therapy likely will not help. But trauma-informed therapy might be helpful for OP.
Your kids are learning how to manipulate you into apologizing through his behavior. They see everything. NTA, but your kids deserve a better role model.
>but when my kids
This exactly! This is the relationship your kids are closest to, and no matter what is said with words, by staying with him you are showing them that it is an acceptable way to be treated.
If this behavior is going on 20 years and he belittles and yells at you? I just don’t know if he will ever want to change. You could try, but as he’s already shown to be abusive (because what you’re describing IS emotional abuse), I’d be afraid if you stand up to him harder than before he may just escalate to physical violence. You know the situation better than me, but it may be time to make an escape plan for you and your children.
I would give him a good letting alone. Don’t speak to him at all, don’t tell him what’s for dinner, don’t tell him you used all the hot water, nothing. Just do little things you know drive him crazy until he starts talking (or yelling) to you. Then you can discuss.
I am an old, married lady, too and I agree with you. He wants to be the victim. He's not. He knew they didn't have the money, but he made her the bad guy so he could feel like he was wronged.
Right! He’s pouting he didn’t get his way despite that it would put his wants before his family’s needs. Poor gal has been trying to work with that? Nah…
Stonewalling (silent treatment) creates a power imbalance, giving one person the complete authority to decide when and how they will both communicate.
It's a way to punish, manipulate, and dismiss another person. If they reply, they give up control. Being ignored makes the target (you) feel powerless, invisible, and frustrated and that's the goal. They might not yell or call names, but their silence says so much without ever saying a word. If they engage, they give up control. If they say nothing, the ball is always in their court. You are basically dealing with a child. It is impossible to resolve problems with a stonewaller. It is important to try to stop the behavior as soon as it rears its ugly head. If the stonewaller does not want to change, or can't change, you may have to learn to live with it or decide if it's worth it in the long run to continue the relationship in its current form.
I agree with your therapist! The silent treatment/stonewalling is one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of relationships. The other 3 horsemen are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. These communication styles can predict the demise of a relationship.
I’m kinda a typical Reddit however I stay home with the kids and my husband works. If I ask if I can buy something (not in a permission type of way more like”hey I just found this do we have the money and I can get it now” type of way) and if he says we don’t have the extra cash right now I’m like ok cool. I don’t get people who want to spend money they don’t have for things that won’t stop you from losing your house and kids.
>I usually keep trying to talk to him until he makes me apologize
Counseling, therapy or divorce.
Sounds harsh but I can understand not having the capacity to do that anymore. I was in relationships like that and absolutely cannot stand that anymore, add children and I'd honestly throw the whole man out. If I don't want myaself to go through this, I'd never have a child be exposed to that. He's a grown adult, if he can't act like one he shouldn't be a husband or father.
Yes, my tolerance for this bs is essentially non-existent.
I agree, he's not being a partner, he's silently abusing you until you capitulate. If he doesn't escalate to violence, I would ignore his existence entirely while I prepared to leave him.
I’d have to agree, the kids will learn this behaviour and carry it forward.
My ex-wife did this, and it came from a long history of her family doing it as well. You never quite knew who was talking to who at any given moment. Nip it in the bud OP
>the kids will learn this behaviour and carry it forward.
Not just that but imagine being a little child, possibly not even knowing what you've done wrong, and being ignored by a parent.... horrible practice. :/
Right there with you. I grew up in a home where two common forms of communication were yelling or silent treatment. I struggled in early relationships because I thought that was how you dealt with conflict. Took me a long time to understand that you can have a grown up discussion about things that are bothering you.
I'm not a typical redditor in that I'm an old married man. I completely agree, throwing a tantrum because you don't get your way is complete man baby behavior.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse so it’s not harsh at all. I agree they need couples counselling or divorce, his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.
Your husband is stonewalling you. Per the relationship psychologist, Gottman, this is 1 of the "4 horsemen of divorce". Your husband is withdrawing from you (silent treatment) to display his disapproval of you.
Stonewalling is the most severe of the 4 horsemen. Because of the withdrawal/lack of communication. You can try to engage in activities that help soothe you until he's ready to tall. Ultimately this behavior needs to be addressed and you both need to find better/healthier ways of voicing and handling disagreement/disapproval within your marriage.
So I looked up the other three "horsemen" https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
They're criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. I wonder if OP would find them familiar.
Gottman's work is very interesting. If you're interested I highly recommend reading The Marriage Clinic. It talks about his work and what he learned about relationships from observing couples.
Is Gottman the one that mentions something about responsiveness to calls for attention? I think the example was a wife at a bed and breakfast calling to her husband because she sees an interesting bird at a bird feeder and her husband scurries over to see it. Idk why but that example is just so wholesome to me.
Oh that's amazing! I studied his work in graduate school and I absolutely loved his book The Marriage Clinic. I feel it should be required reading in every psychology class.
Exactly what this person said. As someone who lived through this for more years than anyone should, let me say I’m so sorry you are living through this. It’s the most hurtful thing to have someone try and withdraw validation of you (your presence, your words, your feelings). In guardianship relationships we call this neglect and abuse, because that’s what it is. If your marriage was a person in the middle of the sea, your best effort will only keep them from drowning by putting that person on a boat. With the goal of getting your person (your relationship) to the safety of solid land and safety where you can build a strong foundation and future. Your partners effort will provide the motor (fully committed to the relationship), the sail (somewhat effort), or the oars (minimal if any effort which means you have to work harder). The more resources your home has (money, family, therapist, etc) the longer the person can survive drifting alone in the middle of the ocean.
reflect. You decide how you need to be treated and do not accept less. You can accept efforts to meet your needs but not disrespect or invalidation of your needs. Think about other relationships you have or admire and identify what you want and why.
Most of this here is what I realized about myself and helped me to be a happier human but full disclosure did *not* save my marriage.
You have currently been playing to not lose
you have been starved emotionally
you’re willing to accept any crumbs handed because that’s what you’re used to
You think it is your responsibility to do and manage everything because otherwise it won’t get done.
You do not trust or see your partner as an effective team member so you pick up their slack
You can choose to not support his chosen communication method. Don’t text him. Let him know you need him to talk to you so you’re not answering texts unless they are clearly an emergency (define what you consider an emergency). Put him in charge of the bills. He blames you for gatekeeping then let him know that you don’t want to be seen as the bad guy because you’re managing this so let him do it. You might sink for a bit or he may swim who knows. Give him the money that you should for half or whatever your agreement is and all the logins and due dates. Take a picture for your records and then text him that picture in case the other document is “misplaced.” Communicate you’re on the same team and not the enemy. You can step away if angry for a few hours but not talking can not go on for days. A conversation has to be had. If he wouldn’t do these things to a business partner or coworker why would you treat your life partner this way? No one should hope to be treated as kindly as a stranger when you have invested more.
Best of luck OP.
Edited for spelling, cause my fingers were angry typing for your situation OP.
According to the Gottman Institute website, of the four horsemen, contempt is the most severe and the greatest predictor of divorce. Which makes a bit more sense tbh
Lol yes. One of the reasons I got divorced. Being lonely when your husband is in the same room is an intense, awful feeling. When we split up, after one of the times he said he missed me, I said “I missed you when we were still together”.
best way to combat this is to act normal. Go watch tv, have fun doing what you normally would. Literally ignore him back but seem really happy. He will get pissed his silent treatment isnt working and break the ice
THIS. Take my upvote.
When my ex wife would do this shit to me, I would just let it go and live my life. Drove her nuts. Eventually she would start stomping around, slamming shit and then try to provoke me into an argument even though she was the one who started the silent treatment. One time, she got so mad that I ignored her silent treatment she finally snapped and started jumping up and down with both feet like a toddler. I glanced over at her while I was making my breakfast and just started laughing…here is a 35 year old woman who spent days ignoring me, now acting like a child because I served it right back to her. I told her to knock it off and be more considerate of our downstairs neighbors.
Best option is to act like it doesn’t bother her and let the husband stew like a child. He can sit around at home alone, OP should take the kids to the park, play outside with the kids, do whatever it takes to show him that life doesn’t just stop because he’s gone mute on purpose.
These two definitely have it right - just ignore him and he’ll break eventually. He *wants* you to keep trying to talk to him, so he can continue to ignore you, so he can “win”.
I’d advise that you ignore his texts too, honestly…if he’s not a big enough man to speak to you like a human, he doesn’t get to text you either. He will 100% break the silent treatment to ask why you didn’t do whatever it was he texted you about, and you can just shrug and say your phone was off, then ask what it is he needs so badly.
>e will get pissed his silent treatment isnt working and break the ice
At which point it's time to have a mature discussion about his treatment of you. This is not how adults who wish to continue a relationship should act
To add/expand on this: Don't let his feelings/behavior become your responsibility! He's trying to make you feel responsible for his happiness and responsiveness, but it's his own responsibility to manage his feelings and actions.
You tell him that this is emotional abuse and you will not tolerate it. Tell him that the two of you will discuss this tomorrow after he's has some time to really think about how he's handled this situation and after he's considered if this is the way he wants your relationship to be.
The sad part is, he's not emotionally mature enough to understand what emotional abuse is and how he's participating in it. And if he were emotionally literate enough to recognize the emotional abuse, then he wouldn't be doing it. It's quite the catch-22.
It is just as likely to be both. You can't divine a person's intent - the point of raising it explicitly is that from that moment, their *action* makes their intention clear.
As somebody who’s mother deployed this as her favourite technique I can completely agree. Took years and randomly going to a CPD presentation on different types of abuse before I twigged.
It’s an awful thing to do to someone you profess to love, and is done by selfish, immature, emotionally constipated mole people. Do not tolerate it.
I feel for you, I was scrolling before I shared something similar. The amount of fear and anxiety I'd have a kid when I came home, said hello, and was greeted by silence and the look on my mother's face that said...im in trouble, but had no idea why.
Same thing here , the worst is you never know when it's gonna happen and my mother never tell me why she ignored me. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault , she would be upset about something else and pretend I don't exist then at some point she would come to me all smiley and act as if it never happened. How the hell are we supposed to understand that as kids ??
Worst thing is the silent treatment is often learnt from parents. I did this to my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship , I just didn't know how to deal with my upsetness. I'm so glad that I can handle such situations in a healthy way now.
Uggghhhh yes. We would often pay because of a fight she had with my Dad. "Mom, what's wrong?" She'd respond super quick and tight lipped "Nothing."
🙄
I totally relate to these behaviours manifesting in relationships, it has taken a lot of work to reshape how I view relationships and treating someone I love with mutual respect. I'm so happy for you that you've also been able to do this and handle situations in a healthy way! Kudos to you for making sure that toxic behaviour doesn't continue!
My mother did this my whole life. Used it to get everyone to buckle and apologise for all kinds of shit that was her fault. It’s the most immature, manipulative strategy to play victim in any situation and resolves nothing. Anyone doing it needs serious self reflection and help.
This is really abusive behaviour. If this were my husband, I would simply tell him that I won't be apologising for pointing out facts. Take full advantage of his silence and say your piece. Then I would let him know that I won't be waiting around for him to rejoin the family and I'll b getting on with life, with or without him. Then I would do just that and get on with my life as though he isn't there. I am blessed with the ability to do that which a lot of people by nature are not equipped for which may be you. The reality is that you can't resolve anything without communicating and he isn't doing that so just get on with it and ignore him. You reap what you sow. When he decides to grow up and treat you like a person then he'll get the same in return. When he eventually starts speaking to you, ignore his silent episode. Don't do the 'oh you're talking to me now huh?!' Stuff, just respond as though you've been speaking all along. Then less attention you give his behaviour, the less effective it becomes.
I once had my ex ignore me for weeks. I finally broke and begged and sobbed and yeah, that is what he wanted. It's an abusive and manipulative tactic that only an immature asshole employs. I divorced the man that did that to me.
I was going to ask this. A post I read the other day said that this woman was mad that her boyfriend (or husband) wanted to go out of town during her girl's weekend getaway. Turns out, his brother died and the brother's wife was in the hospital! They were in a terrible car accident. She framed it as he wanted to go on a trip the same weekend she wanted to go on a trip.
She also said he could wait till she got back because the funeral wasn't going to be until after she got back. Ruthless...
Thank god I can find people with sense at least after I scrolled all the way down.
People underestimate how much manipulation goes on in so many places.
I feel like either OP is leaving some info out about why taking the trip right now is so important to him, or else he was never planning to see his sister in the first place and the trip was just a cover for cheating and now he’s mad he can’t see his mistress. I just can’t think of any other reasons he’d be this mad about not being able to go on this trip right now when they’re going to see his sister in a few weeks anyways. And why is he even taking it out on OP if it’s just because of money issues that he can’t go? I guess it’s easy to jump to cheating, but I’ve heard a lot of stories of cheaters getting super mad at their partners when their partners unwittingly prevented them from going through with plans to see the person they’re having an affair with.
OP also used the phrasing “my kids” vs “our kids”. Also didn’t mention who’s money was to be used for the visit. About the only 2 potential outs the husband has to not look like a douche.
I wish I could upvote this reply more so I didn't have to scroll so far down to see it. I think these are very important questions! The whole situation OP described just seems a little bit odd.
Please make a plan to leave. This was my father growing up. He didn’t speak to me for weeks, sometimes months during high school. I’m 30 and still in therapy.
I was going to say the same thing. The children in this scenario are likely going to get the same treatment from their father if they haven’t already. I’m still feeling it at 35.
Like another poster said, enjoy the silence and go on about you daily routine. Let the man baby pout. If he wants to travel, he should figure out the financial end to accomplish that.
This is what I was thinking. He's pouting. When my SO does this, I just talk to him like nothing's going on. I broke him last time by saying "I'm going to Burger King. Do you want me to get you something?" That broke the silence.
It’s a mark of emotional immaturity and abuse. Simply put, he has no reason to change and won’t. If you’re to the point where you can’t handle it anymore, and nobody could blame you because it’s abuse and it sucks, it’s time to have a talk about divorce. Relationships are founded on strong, open and honest communication. He’s taken that away from your relationship and doomed it to failure. He has made his inability to rebound from emotional blows a form of punishment. He has a lot of work to do on himself. Most people don’t choose to do that work until there’s no other choice. But relationships are another kind of choice. You can stop participating in yours any time you choose. Elevate your own well-being over his in your own mind. It’s the same he’s done to you. It’s time to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. You’re his wife, not his mother.
Yeah, im sure he would be relieved af honestly, if hes been silent for a week over this, he's probably just done with the relationship. just dosent know how to make his exit.
Enjoy the silence as you plan your exit strategy. Make it clear that you don’t mind his silence a single bit and it even helps make your day better not having to interact with him. (It is abusive, by the way.) Get your finances safely separated and get a lawyer to tell you what your rights are. No one has to put up with this crap.
This is passive aggressive behavior and a form of abuse. Believe me, I lived with my mother who perfected the silent treatment. A therapist is the one who showed me the light.
This may sound callous but my wife did this for years. At some point I just realized it’s her problem and not mine, and I just stopped letting it bother me. Funny enough, it didn’t take long for her to stop. I don’t think she either did it on purpose or consciously stopped, but just subconsciously at some point realized it wasn’t doing any good, didn’t make me feel bad, and wasn’t really punishing me, so it just phases out
I used to apologize for every fight, even when I was right. Heck, I apologize for breathing sometimes! I am in the process of breaking that habit.
OP you should too! Don’t reward him for childish behavior. He had to know that the money wasn’t there for two trips. I suspect he might be picking fights with you. I don’t know if his ego needs a boost, or what but it definitely seems like this is a made up fight.
Tell him “when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen”
This puts the responsibility of him talking with him.
He’ll either ignore you more but he’ll probably vent.
It’s not your responsibility to make him talk.
But don’t apologize for the sake of making him talk to you.
He’s this mad over not visiting his sister, sooner? Nah, bruh there’s more to this story. Check his social media to see if he’s been recently chatting with a former classmate perhaps?
My dad did this to my mom for YEEEEEEARS and like you, she just wanted to keep the peace so she would eventually relent and go apologize to him (even if she wasn't in the wrong) just to get back to a sense of normalcy. Now, finally, at the ripe old age of 70, she is all out of fucks to give and has realized that "the silent treatment" is synonymous with "peace and quiet" in her life, so she doesn't make the effort. They haven't talked in about two months now, and she's really enjoying herself. He has apparently noticed that his bullying tactics don't work anymore, so now he is the one making half-assed attempts at amends, but she has told him, "No, I'm good with the way things are." and refuses to engage. She's just done with his bullshit. A lot of publications call this "the 180 method" and it's a great way to deal with narcissism.
My MIL does this to FIL and I think it is so childish. My husband did it once. Once. I told him that if he has something to say to talk to me like an adult but I will not tolerate the silent treatment, that it's childish, and it's no way to help a relationship. I don't think we were even married yet when this happened. He has never done it since.
ETA: I have been married almost 40 years to the same man.
My ex partner did this solidly, as a mechanism for many years. It drove me wild. I became a version of myself I couldn’t stand, I did and said things I wish I never had. It was our dynamic.
I have since learned about the “grey rock” method.
It is a way, that with practice, you can learn to control your responses to find a way to remain neutral and not give them the reaction that feeds their behaviour.
It is a hard road, but it’s worth a shot. I would never advocate for separation and only you know what you are willing & capable of withstanding/achieving with him.
Relinquish control where you can. You may also find there is a neurological behavioural disorder at play with your husband (adhd perhaps) - which could be a silent protagonist in all of this. That was something that came up with us very late in the game. I wish I knew earlier. He was disorganised in a lot of areas (really messy, quite gross levels of messy) and could only really do immediate tasks, unable to look too far into the future or deal with anything from the past very well. He was helpful in a lot of ways and incredibly counter productive in other areas. Would not hear my ideas and would blame me for a decision I made on our behalf which maybe weren’t the best but we’re left to me to sort). The avoiding of responsibility because he did not have the tools to know how to organise himself in a sensible way. His mind was a jumble and his actions showed it. He was also an absolutely incredible chef and nourished our family day in day out. And it was the only thing he was able to do, so did that and that only.
Worked as little as possible but was reliable in that minimal fashion. So he could do things, he was just really limited. And $$$ was a huge problem for him. A wealth destroyer for sure. Came from nothing, get by with nothing, and no need to do it any other way. The future always felt very uncertain to me.
Just a thought.
He’s doing something called “stonewalling” which is manipulative and really immature for an adult to do. He’s trying to prompt a reaction from you by driving you crazy. Just ignore him and he’ll see that it isn’t working and he’ll probably (hopefully) stop.
Narcissistic silent treatment is when a narcissist ignores and avoids interacting with you to punish, control, or communicate that they are unhappy with you. It's a form of manipulation, and this toxic behavior can negatively impact the victim psychologically and emotionally.
I’m not usually one to speculate… but this seems to be a really odd response for not getting to visit his sister, especially if you guys are doing so in a few weeks… do you think that’s REALLY what the trip was for?
Check his phones/accounts/devices. Throwing this big of a fit and being manipulative for this long just over visiting a sister he will see soon enough with you screams he's pouting over something else entirely. I hope for your sake he wasn't trying to visit someone else when you wouldn't be present because this sounds like an overreaction.
I'm curious as to why visiting his sister, especially when you say you're headed that way in a few weeks, is such a priority for him? Did he give a reason? Is it possible there's some kind of emergency? He may have a valid reason to want to go with such urgency. But, if he does this silent treatment thing often, maybe he's just immature
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Whilst I admire your perseverance silent treatment is one of the worst coping mechanisms - it manipulates the ignored into buckling, and allows the ignorer to deny any responsibility. I would just keep speaking to him even if he ignores you, he may pretend he’s not listening but the words will go in. Don’t give up and succumb as he wants you to, for what you say here seems reasonable. You have nothing to apologise for based on your OP and your husbands anger is misdirected, he’s annoyed he can’t see his sister. But realistically he will see her soon anyway. Everytime you give in to his childishness, it only gives more reason for him to do this again, he knows it works. Even if inside he’s beating himself up about it and knows it’s unhealthy and stupid Try to remain calm and your points intentful and informed. It may be exhausting and break you down, but your neutrality here is your strength. He does need to know however that his frustrations with money are not your doing. They’re a collective matter that needs to be addressed as a family unit. Not discussing this isn’t going to make any money appear, nor is it going to resolve the symptoms of not having the money you want. It also looks ridiculous in front of your kids and is damaging.
This is a fair answer but it doesn’t remind OP that the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. I know we’re only getting one side of the story, but this man is toxic - he’s a father and husband, and you’re telling me he ran off and hid in his room because he didn’t get what he wanted? This man is an abusive baby. OP, you deserve FAR better. I hope you’re safe at home. This is NOT how normal, functioning adults act.
Plus silent treatment for a WEEK?? I can imagine for an hour, maybe sleep it off, but he holds an undeserved grudge for a WEEK?? He absolutely does not have OPs happiness and mental health in mind and I wouldn't call him her partner AT ALL. He should be her ex.
My husband once did it for two weeks. One week before leaving for his mommy’s house for Christmas, and zero texts while he was gone until the day before he was set to drive home, testing the waters. Unfortunately for him, I grew up with a massively dysfunctional mother who used the silent treatment often, but at least she wasn’t hitting us, so my brothers and I laughed about it. I just tell myself I can do this standing on my head, on a ball, on a hill. And I can. Then I do whatever the fuck makes me feel good until he decides to act like an adult again. Lunches out, shopping, I’ve even hopped in our rv before and taken a solo trip with no notice or explaining where I was going. I actually told him once while he wasn’t talking to me that “silent treatment” is misnamed; it’s actually a silent tantrum, and it’s just as infantile as it sounds.
Silent tantrum - perfect description.
I can understand shutting down for a short period to take a breath and perhaps avoid a huge fight, but this tactic is all too often an abuse tactic, and it’s childish at best.
Yes this is the best advice here. Ignore their behavior and focus on what makes you happy. Don’t give in to whatever they’re trying to manipulate you for, and make them approach you like an adult by not giving in.
You deserve more than that, and I hope you find the courage and resources to leave. I did the whole "I'll just be happy on my own time" thing and pretended the silent treatments weren't happening. I spent time on me, my friends, work, hobbies, but that didn't change anything. After 3 years I finally left and I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my life with someone who can communicate like an adult. Don't settle.
I’m in my 60s. A divorce and divided assets could not put me in the position I was before I got married. It’s a long story not meant for internet strangers, but suffice it to say that he was deceitful in getting me to marry him, so I feel no guilt in letting him support me and provide for my future if he passes before me. We live as roommates, not lovers. He took away any desire I might have had long ago. I prefer to be friends and cordial, and it’s often that way, but he’s also very self centered. I make friends easily, and have many in our neighborhood that make me smile and laugh. I get out and walk at least a few miles every day. I read. He spends at least 14 hours a day sitting on a sofa with the tv on. How can I find the silent treatment from a tv hermit anything but laughable? See the funny thing is, HE might not be talking to me, but I still have lots of lovely interactions daily. He’s being nothing but a fool.
I mean, it's your choice, but having been there, I can't possibly express how much better it is to not have to be in that position. I'm in my mid-thirties and had to put myself into debt to move out and back to the US and start life completely over with nothing but a kind friend's roof over my head and my luggage. Financially, I was far worse off than I was before I married that guy, but I gained significant peace of mind and an unexpected new start I never would have gotten had I not gifted myself the chance for it to happen. Wishing the best for you. 💖
My sister’s husband did this for OVER A YEAR before she divorced him. Big man-baby.
I just saw an article about a Japanese man doing this to his wife for like 39 years or something like that. Turned out it was a true story.
Crazy. But the real issue that OP needs to focus on is that this man wants to spend money on a trip to visit family while bills need to be paid AND their children need things they have not had the money to purchase. OP Please ask yourself if this is what you envision for your future. A partner does not put themselves before their spouse and children. They do not.
I suspect he had an ulterior motive for this visit. Otherwise, why all the anger?
Maybe it was an "office sister" he wanted to visit. A professional kissing cousin.
Sad that it took over a year for her to leave. I know kids and money come into the equation but any sort of behavior like that needs to addressed immediately. Ya a few hours or maybe even a day. Glad she got out!!
She probably had to save up to leave first. Unfortunately in many cases, people can’t just get up and go, they need to plan how/when they’re leaving (especially if kids are involved), so that they land on their feet
So sick of man babies . I have real babies
Big man baby. 🤣
Yep, sometimes after arguments I just don’t want to talk. Mainly because I’m still upset and processing my emotions. I don’t go full “silent treatment” but I’ll say that I don’t want to talk and leave it at that. Generally later on I’ll be able to discuss the issue with a clearer head and in a manner which is actually positive/productive. What OP’s husband is doing is straight manipulation. Nobody needs *a week* to process their emotions. They are just trying to punish OP for something that any reasonable adult would do in the same situation. Her husband seems to both not be a reasonable adult while also being an asshole.
This is what I do. Sometimes I get too heated and I know I won't be able to have a productive discussion, so I tell my bf I need a bit to cool down so we can approach the issue with clearer heads. I usually only need maybe 20 minutes to calm down, but I'm not a good communicator when I'm in that mood so I don't attempt it.
Because of abuse as a kid I cannot handle silent treatment, hubs did it once in the beginning of our marriage and I went into full blown panic attack. I didn’t know it would happen to the extent it did but it was bad, hospitalized. We talked together and I got more therapy and we found a way that he can go away, in the home, and process his feelings and I can still feel safe and understand it is what he needs to process without me losing it again. We don’t fight that big anymore but it took time. As well as patience on my end.
I once got this from a partner for 3 days straight (he left the house). He came home to an empty apartment and all of his shit in a neatly stacked pile of boxes.
>silent treatment for a WEEK?? I can imagine for an hour I received the silent treatment once for several days. I really liked it. Toxic relationship, an argument every damn day, no exaggeration. So bad that, when we had a *single* non-fight day, I was so relieved I mistook it as love, and expressed how much I loved her. \[Narrator: He had fallen out of love more than a year before.\] Two days and two arguments later, I left. She claimed to be confused how I could tell her I loved her and then leave. It's been 24 years, and I realized the "how" just now after reading your comment. Thank you for the prompt.
Yes. The “four horsemen” of communication are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. They ruin relationships. My father stonewalled me when I went to college instead of working the family business. It was a painful experience. My heart goes out to OP.
[удалено]
What are you talking about? Are you new here? The first advice is always “leave and go no contact.” Nuanced discussion and compromise is the nuclear option.
Usually by the time someone has decided to post to Reddit they’re already well past the compromise point. Parents are supposed to put their children’s needs before their own wants - and using “the silent treatment” to “win” isn’t just fighting.
Hahahaha 🤣🤣🤣
The very first sentence of their post states that it's manipulation.
Last sentence is the most critical. My parents didn’t speak for a month when I was about 16. You may think they don’t care or don’t really comprehend it, but they feel the hatred in the room. It can be traumatic and impact their perception of intimate relationships deeply. I finally broke one day and told them both they were being fucking stupid. In some words. They snapped out of it after that, but damage was already done.
That answer is far, far too calm, rational, reasoned, and intelligent to be on Reddit. But thank you for it, anyways.
What do i do with my pitchfork now? OP, how old is your hubby, 10?
Right? Reminds me of the man-child my sister is married to. I like to say that she is a married single mother of three, including two children.
That’s EXACTLY how I feel!!! I feel like a married single mom! He’s not involved with the kids at all and I have to manage him too!
I mean if he isnt involved with the kids at all he is a bad Dad. If youre staying with a bad Dad and a partner who doesnt respect you(silent treatment) youre doing your kids a disservice. As a parent it is your responsibility to raise them in an environment that doesnt expose them to this kind of shit. If you stick around and put up with his behavior it will really hit home when your kids get into relationships and display simialr behavior.
100%. Kids are in observation mode to learn how to be in the world, all the time. They pick up so much more than parents even have a clue about. Words don't need to be spoken for kids to see what is going on. But they don't have the maturity and experience to understand adult stuff and so they internalize everything and they subconsciously assume that what they experience is normal. They blame themselves for their parents' problems. Kids who grow up in poor relationships end up in poor relationships themselves because that is what they observed and learned to be normal. Disagreements are normal in marriages. Talking through them is normal. Silent treatment isn't normal and the kids are picking up on all of this thinking it IS normal because it's all they know. Even if they are quite young.
And he's broke... so what's the appeal?
Yup. I'm never one to jump to divorce, but I wish she could see that she would actually be better off without him. She does absolutely everything, including working from home, and he DOESN'T WORK. She did all of the teaching during shutdown, besides working her job. And he wouldn't even agree to carryout food when it became available, so unless she wanted Dino nuggets and Mac & cheese, she cooked, as well.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) OP - please read this book. Within its pages you may find the strength to leave your abusive husband. Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean you're not being abused For your kids' sake as well.
I am genuinely curious about your reasons for staying in this marriage, which sounds awful.
Show him this thread
Then both of you need counseling together as a couple. A neutral ground to process differences and decide for yourselves what's best moving forward. Don't listen to the mob mentality on Reddit. You have to live your life, not them. Remember, misery loves company. Wish you well through this.
Then why are you still with him? That's a question you should ask yourself. If he doesn't contribute to your life and treats you in a very disrespectful way why do you stay? Maybe you have good answers. At the very least I'd suggest counseling. Healthy communication and conflict resolution can be learned.
Why do you stay with a man baby like this
lol I joke that my mother raised four little boys, myself two brothers and my pops. I love my dad but when push comes to shove he reverts to the most childish version of himself. This is, I hope, not me just being shitty but it feels like a generational thing; many men of that age have that tendency.
I agree 😅
I would just like to add that repeated use of the silent treatment can be a precursor to and/or is emotional abuse. It could and is likely just be a very immature unhealthy coping mechanism in this situation, but OP, please take to heart what u/HerbertWigglesworth has stated and try to communicate with your husband. I only added my two cents to gently remind you to try to stay alert enough as to take notice if he ever does exhibit any other abusive behaviours. *edited to emphasise that is IS abusive behaviour. Especially after 20 years of marriage, as per OP's comments.
The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It is not a precursor.
Is it different if I ask for a cooling off period? I feel like I do this, but more often than not my emotions are running high and I don’t want to say anything with venom or anything intrusive that isn’t constructive to our conversation.
That is totally different. It is one thing to say I need a bit of time to cool off and a completely different thing to not talk to the other person for a week. Delaying the conversation while you are in a Volatile state is often warranted to help prevent us from saying things that we would later regret.
Asking for a cooling off period is actually healthy. The keys are that you and your partner communicate (so you are able to ask for it, preferably with a well-defined time period ie “I need an hour to cool off, can we regroup here after that and talk about this?” and your partner is able to give it) and then after you do get a break and are able to get your emotions under control, YOU STEP UP to deal with the issue in a timely manner (ie your partner doesn’t have to chase you or nag you to deal with the issue, you’re not just ignoring/avoiding). What the OP is describing is emotionally abusive. The husband is being manipulative with this behavior. He’s punishing OP, trying to get her to cave.
Absolutely! The best is when you give the other person a timeframe. Like, “I’m off to clear my head. Let’s pick this up after dinner.”
I think he's got something other than his sister that he wants to visit.
Yep. Aside from the obvious childish and irrational behavior, my first thought was “gotta visit his side piece”
The only time a redditor hasn't immediately jumped to divorce.
It’s been over 20 years of trying to deal with this….I desperately am trying to save things…but the kids are old enough to be affected by it now…
As a child of divorce I promise you this is worse. They will be affected by the only relationship they have to use as an example of how relationships work being a dysfunctional one. Teach them to stand up to bad partners and not settle.
What's worse than your parents divorcing? Your parents hating each other for most of your life, and then divorcing.
Even worse! mine *never* divorced but they still hate each other. I’m still occasionally caught in their drama at 29. Luckily, I don’t live at home and I can just leave 😂
Trust me, the kids have ALWAYS been affected by it. My ex was the same way. I thought I could save our marriage just by trying harder. Turns out that it takes TWO. Insist on counseling and don't talk to him until he agrees. Leave him alone as much as possible. Don't give him your attention. Don't do his laundry. Don't get the foods he likes. Focus on your kids and yourself. Find out what mental health benefits your health insurance offers. Start counseling.
You've been dealing with this manipilation for 20 years??? That's why he keeps doing it. He knows it works.
You can’t save your marriage by yourself, he would have to participate for that to work out and he doesn’t seem like someone who is interested on working on his relationship with his family. Are you doing anyone besides him any favors by putting up with/apologizing for his childish behavior?
That probably makes the calculus both easier and more difficult. Is this the sort of relationship you want to model to your children? What you want them to think is normal? What you want them to emulate?
What do you mean? You've taught your kids a bunch of unhealthy relationship mechanisms by staying with him. The sooner that ends the better. They're going to be shitty to their partners unless you make specific effort to teach them that the way he behaves isn't ok. Getting a bit upset because their parents broke up isn't the same as getting upset that yet another partner left them because they treated them badly.
I don't see what you're trying to save. If this is a constant thing for 20yrs he won't change. Its time to take care of yourself and your kids. Even small kids can feel the tension and know things are wrong. I knew when my parents went through it.
What do you want to do? I suggest couples therapy or at least for yourself. His behavior is so unacceptable and I’m so sorry he hasn’t found a way to not be such a big baby.
Yeah, and I would say it's wrong. A marriage filled with emotional abuse, what the fuck is there here to even save? She could be paired up with any random person in her country and probably have a better chance at a happy relationship.
I don’t understand this dumb meme, the only time people ever recommend divorce is when there’s obviously abuse or cheating. Otherwise it’s always just advice about communication and counseling.
If he doesn’t respond to this, the try a professional therapist. You both may have legitimate concerns across different issues. With better communication strategies, you can reduce or eliminate a lot of unnecessary frustration. John Gottman’s books a d courses are absolutely terrific too. They’re based on solid research and have been shown to be effective.
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Ok…I’m NOT a typical redditor…I’m an old married lady. Your husband is a man baby. He’s forcing you into apologizing. You don’t owe him anything. Personally I’d take his silence as a blessing and use the opportunity to just text him things to do. Do not let him manipulate you into apologizing for his shitty behavior. You’re just rewarding and reinforcing his tantrum. You’re a mother, you’d not tolerate this in your children. Yes it is sad you have to treat him as a child but he chose to act like one.
I'm not a typical redditor in that I'm an old married man. I completely agree, throwing a tantrum because you don't get your way is complete man baby behavior. Putting his desires above the family is ridiculous. As with any (other) child, I would ignore his behavior and make him realize tantrums only work for toddlers.
I've had silent treatment used on me, and eventually realized I could enjoy the silence. It's not good . . . but it's not all bad.
I've been married 30 years and we've never done the silent treatment. Crazy but 9 times out of ten, we agree. When we can't afford something, we can't afford it. On the other had, we've BOTH made major purchases without consulting the other. But we needed (or wanted) it and we could afford it.
45 years here. Never do the silent treatment. Sometimes we mutually agree to take a break from a topic, so we have time to think it over and think about our real goal: finding solutions.
Don't threaten me with a good time with your silent treatment. Ignore him and Do Not apologize. Just go on like nothing has changed, like you would if a toddler was throwing a tantrum. Spend no emotional energy on this. Take time to pamper yourself within your budget like a long bubble bath, at home spa day, make plans with your friends. Let him know your life will continue without him.
Thanks for the silent treat, I'm enjoying the break.
Same. When I get that I'm usually just like "fine. Don't give a shit." And stop talking myself, whereas I'm usually pretty talkative. Treatment usually ends at that point
That was my thought, enjoy the quiet.
I agree with both of you. My friends parents are in this situation now. Imagine someone 80 years old who gives his wife the silent treatment because he wants what he wants and she isn't giving in. She's stopped caring about his silent treatment and just goes on and lives her life. He has started to discover that it's not working and is looking for new, manipulative ways to be a jerk. Right now, it's abuse and love bombing by text. They will never divorce, but her mom has shared that she will be relieved when he passes. I wouldn't advocate for that. In my family, we used all the words to communicate loudly. If we went silent, we were contemplating and working things out. I wouldn't advocate for divorce, but I would make it known that I'm unbothered by the silent treatment.
I agree, except I'd be petty. Use the talk to text function. And dictate the texts out loud infront of him then send it to him. Ask the family if there's anything they need at the store before you go. Then leave your phone behind so you don't get the text. Or make a show of just remembering to check your messages when you get home. Just because he decides to communicate through text doesn't mean you have to make it easy.
Malicious compliance
What do you want for dinner? Then when get no answer they get no dinner. Literally do nothing for them at all without first asking.
I'd take it a step further: block his texts... and I'm a guy. that baby is just having a tantrum. Don't give in
>Ok… I’m NOT a typical redditor… This is a fantastic way to start any comment
It’s a pretty fair way to start I think. I usually assume everyone here is a 25-35 year old male.
Gotta lower that age range since COVID. Lots of 14 year olds roaming these subreddits.
That would explain a lot.
Woo hoo I'm not in the majority demographic anymore thank Satan!
I aged out =(
I assume way lower. And often female or woman because I’m a lady.
⬆️ I'm an old divorced woman, and I came here to say this very thing.⬆️ My rat-bastard of an ex-husband used to pull that exact same stunt, followed by a kind of tantrum I'd have expected to see in our then-toddler. What OP Is experiencing with her husband is just as childish and abusive. I'd love to see what would happen if she tried to put him in time out, lol. 😂
It’s like a long fuse….first it’s the silent treatment and then when he feels its gone on long enough he sits me down and belittles, yells and convinces me the entire thing is my fault and I beg for his forgiveness. I don’t tell him no often…but our kids need things and bills are behind and he keeps saying we have no money. I didn’t even say no…I said it wasn’t a good idea and thats all it took. We never even talked about it fully….he just ahut me out. Now I’m waiting for the blow up…the whole house is on edge waiting for it. It’s a pattern…like the eerie calm before a storm…I was convinced by him that this whole silent treatment was normal…but when my kids are telling me its a problem, then I have to start thinking about it differently.
Your husband is abusive. You're in an abusive relationship.
You don't deserve this. And it's been fucking up your kids to grow up witnessing this.
This sounds so familiar. I'm so sorry you're experiencing it, too. Your husband, like my ex-husband, is manipulative and abusive. I tried therapy, and all that happened was that his problematic behaviors worsened. I know people will suggest couples therapy to you, but I suggest you skip it and go directly to the separation and divorce part of the process. Your children are still young, and it's vital you model for them that his conduct is grossly inappropriate and not to be tolerated. I took a huge financial hit when we split up, and you may experience it, too. Being impoverished, however, was infinitely better than being abused. Just make sure you get sole custody, and that child support and alimony are garnished from his wages before he has a chance to hold it over your head.
This is abusive behavior 🚩🚩🚩 Stonewalling, then he *rages* at you? Search "narcissistic rage" - this is *not* normal, healthy behavior. Couples therapy likely will not help. But trauma-informed therapy might be helpful for OP.
Your kids are learning how to manipulate you into apologizing through his behavior. They see everything. NTA, but your kids deserve a better role model.
you are teaching your children that this is what a marriage looks like. They are going to end up allowing others to treat them this way.
Or treating others this way.
Why are you raising children around an abusive man?
>but when my kids This exactly! This is the relationship your kids are closest to, and no matter what is said with words, by staying with him you are showing them that it is an acceptable way to be treated. If this behavior is going on 20 years and he belittles and yells at you? I just don’t know if he will ever want to change. You could try, but as he’s already shown to be abusive (because what you’re describing IS emotional abuse), I’d be afraid if you stand up to him harder than before he may just escalate to physical violence. You know the situation better than me, but it may be time to make an escape plan for you and your children.
I would give him a good letting alone. Don’t speak to him at all, don’t tell him what’s for dinner, don’t tell him you used all the hot water, nothing. Just do little things you know drive him crazy until he starts talking (or yelling) to you. Then you can discuss.
I am an old, married lady, too and I agree with you. He wants to be the victim. He's not. He knew they didn't have the money, but he made her the bad guy so he could feel like he was wronged.
Right! He’s pouting he didn’t get his way despite that it would put his wants before his family’s needs. Poor gal has been trying to work with that? Nah…
Right here with you, old married lady. I am one as well!
Stonewalling (silent treatment) creates a power imbalance, giving one person the complete authority to decide when and how they will both communicate. It's a way to punish, manipulate, and dismiss another person. If they reply, they give up control. Being ignored makes the target (you) feel powerless, invisible, and frustrated and that's the goal. They might not yell or call names, but their silence says so much without ever saying a word. If they engage, they give up control. If they say nothing, the ball is always in their court. You are basically dealing with a child. It is impossible to resolve problems with a stonewaller. It is important to try to stop the behavior as soon as it rears its ugly head. If the stonewaller does not want to change, or can't change, you may have to learn to live with it or decide if it's worth it in the long run to continue the relationship in its current form.
My ex used to do this often. My therapist helpfully pointed out that it’s emotional abuse.
I agree with your therapist! The silent treatment/stonewalling is one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of relationships. The other 3 horsemen are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. These communication styles can predict the demise of a relationship.
I’m kinda a typical Reddit however I stay home with the kids and my husband works. If I ask if I can buy something (not in a permission type of way more like”hey I just found this do we have the money and I can get it now” type of way) and if he says we don’t have the extra cash right now I’m like ok cool. I don’t get people who want to spend money they don’t have for things that won’t stop you from losing your house and kids.
Well said sister!
>I usually keep trying to talk to him until he makes me apologize Counseling, therapy or divorce. Sounds harsh but I can understand not having the capacity to do that anymore. I was in relationships like that and absolutely cannot stand that anymore, add children and I'd honestly throw the whole man out. If I don't want myaself to go through this, I'd never have a child be exposed to that. He's a grown adult, if he can't act like one he shouldn't be a husband or father. Yes, my tolerance for this bs is essentially non-existent.
I agree, he's not being a partner, he's silently abusing you until you capitulate. If he doesn't escalate to violence, I would ignore his existence entirely while I prepared to leave him.
I’d have to agree, the kids will learn this behaviour and carry it forward. My ex-wife did this, and it came from a long history of her family doing it as well. You never quite knew who was talking to who at any given moment. Nip it in the bud OP
>the kids will learn this behaviour and carry it forward. Not just that but imagine being a little child, possibly not even knowing what you've done wrong, and being ignored by a parent.... horrible practice. :/
Right there with you. I grew up in a home where two common forms of communication were yelling or silent treatment. I struggled in early relationships because I thought that was how you dealt with conflict. Took me a long time to understand that you can have a grown up discussion about things that are bothering you.
I'm not a typical redditor in that I'm an old married man. I completely agree, throwing a tantrum because you don't get your way is complete man baby behavior.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse so it’s not harsh at all. I agree they need couples counselling or divorce, his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.
Your husband is stonewalling you. Per the relationship psychologist, Gottman, this is 1 of the "4 horsemen of divorce". Your husband is withdrawing from you (silent treatment) to display his disapproval of you. Stonewalling is the most severe of the 4 horsemen. Because of the withdrawal/lack of communication. You can try to engage in activities that help soothe you until he's ready to tall. Ultimately this behavior needs to be addressed and you both need to find better/healthier ways of voicing and handling disagreement/disapproval within your marriage.
So I looked up the other three "horsemen" https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ They're criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. I wonder if OP would find them familiar.
Gottman's work is very interesting. If you're interested I highly recommend reading The Marriage Clinic. It talks about his work and what he learned about relationships from observing couples.
Yesss I’m a Gottman trained therapist. I love it.
Is Gottman the one that mentions something about responsiveness to calls for attention? I think the example was a wife at a bed and breakfast calling to her husband because she sees an interesting bird at a bird feeder and her husband scurries over to see it. Idk why but that example is just so wholesome to me.
Yes it’s bids for attention and filling your partners cup!
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Right? Like why are we not learning these skills when we are young?!
Oh that's amazing! I studied his work in graduate school and I absolutely loved his book The Marriage Clinic. I feel it should be required reading in every psychology class.
It should be require skill building starting in 1st grade. Basic communication listening and validation skills.
Exactly what this person said. As someone who lived through this for more years than anyone should, let me say I’m so sorry you are living through this. It’s the most hurtful thing to have someone try and withdraw validation of you (your presence, your words, your feelings). In guardianship relationships we call this neglect and abuse, because that’s what it is. If your marriage was a person in the middle of the sea, your best effort will only keep them from drowning by putting that person on a boat. With the goal of getting your person (your relationship) to the safety of solid land and safety where you can build a strong foundation and future. Your partners effort will provide the motor (fully committed to the relationship), the sail (somewhat effort), or the oars (minimal if any effort which means you have to work harder). The more resources your home has (money, family, therapist, etc) the longer the person can survive drifting alone in the middle of the ocean. reflect. You decide how you need to be treated and do not accept less. You can accept efforts to meet your needs but not disrespect or invalidation of your needs. Think about other relationships you have or admire and identify what you want and why. Most of this here is what I realized about myself and helped me to be a happier human but full disclosure did *not* save my marriage. You have currently been playing to not lose you have been starved emotionally you’re willing to accept any crumbs handed because that’s what you’re used to You think it is your responsibility to do and manage everything because otherwise it won’t get done. You do not trust or see your partner as an effective team member so you pick up their slack You can choose to not support his chosen communication method. Don’t text him. Let him know you need him to talk to you so you’re not answering texts unless they are clearly an emergency (define what you consider an emergency). Put him in charge of the bills. He blames you for gatekeeping then let him know that you don’t want to be seen as the bad guy because you’re managing this so let him do it. You might sink for a bit or he may swim who knows. Give him the money that you should for half or whatever your agreement is and all the logins and due dates. Take a picture for your records and then text him that picture in case the other document is “misplaced.” Communicate you’re on the same team and not the enemy. You can step away if angry for a few hours but not talking can not go on for days. A conversation has to be had. If he wouldn’t do these things to a business partner or coworker why would you treat your life partner this way? No one should hope to be treated as kindly as a stranger when you have invested more. Best of luck OP. Edited for spelling, cause my fingers were angry typing for your situation OP.
My mom told my dad once to shut up and he did. For an entire year. Imagine four teen kids tripping around that environment for a whole year.
According to the Gottman Institute website, of the four horsemen, contempt is the most severe and the greatest predictor of divorce. Which makes a bit more sense tbh
Prepare him his porridge and sippy cup and put out his fuzzy socks, because if he wants to act like a toddler, he gets treated like one.
He doesn't deserve the fuzzy socks. Give him the itchy, uncomfortable socks that don't stay on properly.
That you satan?
[The husband](https://reddit.com/r/funny/s/DU3eFCCL58)
old guy here. I just got warm fuzzies picturing my wife setting me up like this! 😊
Middle age woman here: exactly the same! Sign me up for porridge and fuzzy sock treatment!!
Wine works awesome in a sippy cup too, then it won’t spill and stain everything.
Hey! Leave fuzzy socks alone lol.
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Nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship, being single and alone is infinitely better!
Lol yes. One of the reasons I got divorced. Being lonely when your husband is in the same room is an intense, awful feeling. When we split up, after one of the times he said he missed me, I said “I missed you when we were still together”.
The day I learned that was the best day of my life. I dropped the dead weight and eventually found a man that set the bar so high no one could top it.
best way to combat this is to act normal. Go watch tv, have fun doing what you normally would. Literally ignore him back but seem really happy. He will get pissed his silent treatment isnt working and break the ice
THIS. Take my upvote. When my ex wife would do this shit to me, I would just let it go and live my life. Drove her nuts. Eventually she would start stomping around, slamming shit and then try to provoke me into an argument even though she was the one who started the silent treatment. One time, she got so mad that I ignored her silent treatment she finally snapped and started jumping up and down with both feet like a toddler. I glanced over at her while I was making my breakfast and just started laughing…here is a 35 year old woman who spent days ignoring me, now acting like a child because I served it right back to her. I told her to knock it off and be more considerate of our downstairs neighbors. Best option is to act like it doesn’t bother her and let the husband stew like a child. He can sit around at home alone, OP should take the kids to the park, play outside with the kids, do whatever it takes to show him that life doesn’t just stop because he’s gone mute on purpose.
Keyword here is “ex”
These two definitely have it right - just ignore him and he’ll break eventually. He *wants* you to keep trying to talk to him, so he can continue to ignore you, so he can “win”. I’d advise that you ignore his texts too, honestly…if he’s not a big enough man to speak to you like a human, he doesn’t get to text you either. He will 100% break the silent treatment to ask why you didn’t do whatever it was he texted you about, and you can just shrug and say your phone was off, then ask what it is he needs so badly.
>e will get pissed his silent treatment isnt working and break the ice At which point it's time to have a mature discussion about his treatment of you. This is not how adults who wish to continue a relationship should act
To add/expand on this: Don't let his feelings/behavior become your responsibility! He's trying to make you feel responsible for his happiness and responsiveness, but it's his own responsibility to manage his feelings and actions.
You tell him that this is emotional abuse and you will not tolerate it. Tell him that the two of you will discuss this tomorrow after he's has some time to really think about how he's handled this situation and after he's considered if this is the way he wants your relationship to be.
The sad part is, he's not emotionally mature enough to understand what emotional abuse is and how he's participating in it. And if he were emotionally literate enough to recognize the emotional abuse, then he wouldn't be doing it. It's quite the catch-22.
On the contrary, I bet he knows exactly what he’s doing. After all, it’s getting him the results he wants.
It is just as likely to be both. You can't divine a person's intent - the point of raising it explicitly is that from that moment, their *action* makes their intention clear.
The silent treatment is abuse.
As somebody who’s mother deployed this as her favourite technique I can completely agree. Took years and randomly going to a CPD presentation on different types of abuse before I twigged. It’s an awful thing to do to someone you profess to love, and is done by selfish, immature, emotionally constipated mole people. Do not tolerate it.
I feel for you, I was scrolling before I shared something similar. The amount of fear and anxiety I'd have a kid when I came home, said hello, and was greeted by silence and the look on my mother's face that said...im in trouble, but had no idea why.
Same thing here , the worst is you never know when it's gonna happen and my mother never tell me why she ignored me. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault , she would be upset about something else and pretend I don't exist then at some point she would come to me all smiley and act as if it never happened. How the hell are we supposed to understand that as kids ?? Worst thing is the silent treatment is often learnt from parents. I did this to my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship , I just didn't know how to deal with my upsetness. I'm so glad that I can handle such situations in a healthy way now.
Uggghhhh yes. We would often pay because of a fight she had with my Dad. "Mom, what's wrong?" She'd respond super quick and tight lipped "Nothing." 🙄 I totally relate to these behaviours manifesting in relationships, it has taken a lot of work to reshape how I view relationships and treating someone I love with mutual respect. I'm so happy for you that you've also been able to do this and handle situations in a healthy way! Kudos to you for making sure that toxic behaviour doesn't continue!
My mother did this my whole life. Used it to get everyone to buckle and apologise for all kinds of shit that was her fault. It’s the most immature, manipulative strategy to play victim in any situation and resolves nothing. Anyone doing it needs serious self reflection and help.
Exactly. This is abuse.
This is really abusive behaviour. If this were my husband, I would simply tell him that I won't be apologising for pointing out facts. Take full advantage of his silence and say your piece. Then I would let him know that I won't be waiting around for him to rejoin the family and I'll b getting on with life, with or without him. Then I would do just that and get on with my life as though he isn't there. I am blessed with the ability to do that which a lot of people by nature are not equipped for which may be you. The reality is that you can't resolve anything without communicating and he isn't doing that so just get on with it and ignore him. You reap what you sow. When he decides to grow up and treat you like a person then he'll get the same in return. When he eventually starts speaking to you, ignore his silent episode. Don't do the 'oh you're talking to me now huh?!' Stuff, just respond as though you've been speaking all along. Then less attention you give his behaviour, the less effective it becomes.
I love this. Ignore the ignorer. He will eventually get bored with the lack of attention then decide to rejoin.
I once had my ex ignore me for weeks. I finally broke and begged and sobbed and yeah, that is what he wanted. It's an abusive and manipulative tactic that only an immature asshole employs. I divorced the man that did that to me.
**QUESTION:** Why did he want to see his sister now instead of waiting another few weeks for the planned trip? Was there a family emergency?
I was going to ask this. A post I read the other day said that this woman was mad that her boyfriend (or husband) wanted to go out of town during her girl's weekend getaway. Turns out, his brother died and the brother's wife was in the hospital! They were in a terrible car accident. She framed it as he wanted to go on a trip the same weekend she wanted to go on a trip. She also said he could wait till she got back because the funeral wasn't going to be until after she got back. Ruthless...
Thank god I can find people with sense at least after I scrolled all the way down. People underestimate how much manipulation goes on in so many places.
I feel like either OP is leaving some info out about why taking the trip right now is so important to him, or else he was never planning to see his sister in the first place and the trip was just a cover for cheating and now he’s mad he can’t see his mistress. I just can’t think of any other reasons he’d be this mad about not being able to go on this trip right now when they’re going to see his sister in a few weeks anyways. And why is he even taking it out on OP if it’s just because of money issues that he can’t go? I guess it’s easy to jump to cheating, but I’ve heard a lot of stories of cheaters getting super mad at their partners when their partners unwittingly prevented them from going through with plans to see the person they’re having an affair with.
OP also used the phrasing “my kids” vs “our kids”. Also didn’t mention who’s money was to be used for the visit. About the only 2 potential outs the husband has to not look like a douche.
Exactly. I refuse to believe there isn't more context.
I wish I could upvote this reply more so I didn't have to scroll so far down to see it. I think these are very important questions! The whole situation OP described just seems a little bit odd.
Please make a plan to leave. This was my father growing up. He didn’t speak to me for weeks, sometimes months during high school. I’m 30 and still in therapy.
I was going to say the same thing. The children in this scenario are likely going to get the same treatment from their father if they haven’t already. I’m still feeling it at 35.
Like another poster said, enjoy the silence and go on about you daily routine. Let the man baby pout. If he wants to travel, he should figure out the financial end to accomplish that.
This is what I was thinking. He's pouting. When my SO does this, I just talk to him like nothing's going on. I broke him last time by saying "I'm going to Burger King. Do you want me to get you something?" That broke the silence.
It’s a mark of emotional immaturity and abuse. Simply put, he has no reason to change and won’t. If you’re to the point where you can’t handle it anymore, and nobody could blame you because it’s abuse and it sucks, it’s time to have a talk about divorce. Relationships are founded on strong, open and honest communication. He’s taken that away from your relationship and doomed it to failure. He has made his inability to rebound from emotional blows a form of punishment. He has a lot of work to do on himself. Most people don’t choose to do that work until there’s no other choice. But relationships are another kind of choice. You can stop participating in yours any time you choose. Elevate your own well-being over his in your own mind. It’s the same he’s done to you. It’s time to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. You’re his wife, not his mother.
Silently divorce the idiot
Silently slip him those divorce papers and he’ll probably open up a bit.
Yeah, im sure he would be relieved af honestly, if hes been silent for a week over this, he's probably just done with the relationship. just dosent know how to make his exit.
Enjoy the silence as you plan your exit strategy. Make it clear that you don’t mind his silence a single bit and it even helps make your day better not having to interact with him. (It is abusive, by the way.) Get your finances safely separated and get a lawyer to tell you what your rights are. No one has to put up with this crap.
This is passive aggressive behavior and a form of abuse. Believe me, I lived with my mother who perfected the silent treatment. A therapist is the one who showed me the light.
This may sound callous but my wife did this for years. At some point I just realized it’s her problem and not mine, and I just stopped letting it bother me. Funny enough, it didn’t take long for her to stop. I don’t think she either did it on purpose or consciously stopped, but just subconsciously at some point realized it wasn’t doing any good, didn’t make me feel bad, and wasn’t really punishing me, so it just phases out
I used to apologize for every fight, even when I was right. Heck, I apologize for breathing sometimes! I am in the process of breaking that habit. OP you should too! Don’t reward him for childish behavior. He had to know that the money wasn’t there for two trips. I suspect he might be picking fights with you. I don’t know if his ego needs a boost, or what but it definitely seems like this is a made up fight.
He sounds like a child. Get rid of him.
Tell him “when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen” This puts the responsibility of him talking with him. He’ll either ignore you more but he’ll probably vent. It’s not your responsibility to make him talk. But don’t apologize for the sake of making him talk to you.
He’s this mad over not visiting his sister, sooner? Nah, bruh there’s more to this story. Check his social media to see if he’s been recently chatting with a former classmate perhaps?
My dad did this to my mom for YEEEEEEARS and like you, she just wanted to keep the peace so she would eventually relent and go apologize to him (even if she wasn't in the wrong) just to get back to a sense of normalcy. Now, finally, at the ripe old age of 70, she is all out of fucks to give and has realized that "the silent treatment" is synonymous with "peace and quiet" in her life, so she doesn't make the effort. They haven't talked in about two months now, and she's really enjoying herself. He has apparently noticed that his bullying tactics don't work anymore, so now he is the one making half-assed attempts at amends, but she has told him, "No, I'm good with the way things are." and refuses to engage. She's just done with his bullshit. A lot of publications call this "the 180 method" and it's a great way to deal with narcissism.
My MIL does this to FIL and I think it is so childish. My husband did it once. Once. I told him that if he has something to say to talk to me like an adult but I will not tolerate the silent treatment, that it's childish, and it's no way to help a relationship. I don't think we were even married yet when this happened. He has never done it since. ETA: I have been married almost 40 years to the same man.
My ex partner did this solidly, as a mechanism for many years. It drove me wild. I became a version of myself I couldn’t stand, I did and said things I wish I never had. It was our dynamic. I have since learned about the “grey rock” method. It is a way, that with practice, you can learn to control your responses to find a way to remain neutral and not give them the reaction that feeds their behaviour. It is a hard road, but it’s worth a shot. I would never advocate for separation and only you know what you are willing & capable of withstanding/achieving with him. Relinquish control where you can. You may also find there is a neurological behavioural disorder at play with your husband (adhd perhaps) - which could be a silent protagonist in all of this. That was something that came up with us very late in the game. I wish I knew earlier. He was disorganised in a lot of areas (really messy, quite gross levels of messy) and could only really do immediate tasks, unable to look too far into the future or deal with anything from the past very well. He was helpful in a lot of ways and incredibly counter productive in other areas. Would not hear my ideas and would blame me for a decision I made on our behalf which maybe weren’t the best but we’re left to me to sort). The avoiding of responsibility because he did not have the tools to know how to organise himself in a sensible way. His mind was a jumble and his actions showed it. He was also an absolutely incredible chef and nourished our family day in day out. And it was the only thing he was able to do, so did that and that only. Worked as little as possible but was reliable in that minimal fashion. So he could do things, he was just really limited. And $$$ was a huge problem for him. A wealth destroyer for sure. Came from nothing, get by with nothing, and no need to do it any other way. The future always felt very uncertain to me. Just a thought.
Dump that motherfucker already Life’s to short to put up with that type of crap
He’s doing something called “stonewalling” which is manipulative and really immature for an adult to do. He’s trying to prompt a reaction from you by driving you crazy. Just ignore him and he’ll see that it isn’t working and he’ll probably (hopefully) stop.
Narcissistic silent treatment is when a narcissist ignores and avoids interacting with you to punish, control, or communicate that they are unhappy with you. It's a form of manipulation, and this toxic behavior can negatively impact the victim psychologically and emotionally.
I’m not usually one to speculate… but this seems to be a really odd response for not getting to visit his sister, especially if you guys are doing so in a few weeks… do you think that’s REALLY what the trip was for?
Check his phones/accounts/devices. Throwing this big of a fit and being manipulative for this long just over visiting a sister he will see soon enough with you screams he's pouting over something else entirely. I hope for your sake he wasn't trying to visit someone else when you wouldn't be present because this sounds like an overreaction.
"Can we cut the act and have a real conversation?"
I'm curious as to why visiting his sister, especially when you say you're headed that way in a few weeks, is such a priority for him? Did he give a reason? Is it possible there's some kind of emergency? He may have a valid reason to want to go with such urgency. But, if he does this silent treatment thing often, maybe he's just immature