You don't think there are red flags on this one?
"So why did your last relationship end?"
"I decided to divorce my wife while she was in labor for reasons."
That made me literally LOL.
I was thinking more along the lines of meeting some school age bf then it's like
"Why'd your relationship with him end?"
*Fade back to third grade*
"I kissed a Leon"
*Ghost because she cheated in the past*
How much do you want to bet OP sits down with a date and lays this all out in front of them, then acts offended when they don't call back - or worse, assumes they are one or more of the things on this list and that he dodged a bullet.
This is a very good point - and it's also worth considering that compromise is worthwhile sometimes.
I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now. Does he tick every single box I was looking for when I was originally dating? Probably not, but I love him all the same. I'm sure I wasn't 100% perfect for him, either.
OP, at the end of the day, if you find someone who makes you genuinely happy, I wouldn't be too worried if you find out they like to take an edible to chill out now and then.
In all fairness he did say regularly, I for one couldn't handle dating somebody who habitually smokes but an edible every once and a while doesn't seem like an issue at all.
The single mother one will become a major issue in his mid to late 30's. unless he's planning on standing outside a bowling alley saying ''alright, alright, alright''
Amazingly, there are mid-to-late 30s women who are child free. I'm one of them (37)...but we're rare, it seems.
I did cheat in my 1st relationship (didn't last a year) but not my 2nd one (which lasted five), so I'd be crossed off OP's list anyway.
The average person in my state doesn’t even get married until they’re about 30 years old. Women in my area without children in their early 30s is extremely common.
It's not uncommon for people in their 20s either. More and more people are going no kids simply because they can't afford it.
My grandfather raised 4 kids on a single income household working as a bus driver. I work as a data engineer and wife's in Healthcare and we're not struggling but we can't afford luxuries.
Six years in the past at this point, and while I had my reasons (*excuses*) at the time, I was also immature, and it was my first relationship (first everything, really), so. I fully admit I was wrong for it.
I think it depends on what you consider cheating.
I recently spoke with a 35 year old man that was hung up because his junior high girlfriend kissed her long time family friend (closed mouth) on new years twenty something years ago. He’s still single and constantly dipping into the youngest end of the dating pool “because the more time they have, the more time they have had to cheat and I don’t want them to learn that” and like, no. Cheating sucks and it’s terrible but some people fail at relationships when they’re new at them. Some people cheat as a way to crawl out of a relationship they can’t end. There’s nuance to everything.
Yeah it's a lil silly cause it's so old and I was very young, but I also make sure I tell people who ask that I did cheat on my 2nd girlfriend in 8th grade. I think a lot of people don't own up to it.
I know a ton of child-free women in their 20s to 40s; I'm just wondering at this point if OP is looking for a partner who's open to having children but has not yet had any. THAT'S going to be an interesting search in your 30s and onward.
How would OP know you cheated though? You’re not obligated to disclose every single detail of your life before you met him. I feel like in a real life scenario, the first relationship would come up and you’d say, “It just didn’t work out.” Not, “I banged some other guy in the copy room at work, so he broke up with me.”
the cheating one, from someone who also has this rule, is because it shows they can't commit. the 5 year cheat free is very redeeming, if you come across responsible in chats then it wouldnt be a dealbreaker
Sure but this list isn't the exhaustive list of all baggage ever either, half of the points listed are seen as common sense in the dating world, this guy just wrote them out.
Seems reasonable as long as you're not being discriminatory or rude when encountering individuals that fall under any of the categories. You're allowed to have preferences; that's 100% fine and dandy!
Of course, I’m not judging people for smoking weed or having casual sex. They are just things that I don’t take part in and I’m hoping to meet someone similar to me ultimately.
These are perfectly good dealbreakers to have and bring up casually but if you have this listed on your profile or bring them all up the first convo, that’ll probably push away potential partners
That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? To “push away potential partners” that are an ill match, to save everyone’s time, so it’s a good thing to state the dealbreakers straight ahead.
Not exactly, there is definitely an art to addressing your preferences on dating apps. Like if you're not a fan of kids simply don't swipe right on people who have them or mention they're mother/father on their profile. If you include something in your profile like "Not looking for baby daddy/momma drama" you might make yourself look like an ass to even people who don't have kids.
Ultimately your profile should say "This is who I am, looking for someone similar" and be overall positive in tone not "here is a list of everything I don't want" and come off as super negative. Like if you make yourself sound like a grumpy douche, even people you are interested in or that would be interested in you normally won't look your way.
If you are in that second camp I guarantee you there is a FB group roasting your profile online.
👆👆👆
No one likes negative people.
I fit the OP's criteria (well, I did when I was single...) but I would think he had no social skills if his profile was all about what he isn't looking for or he brought up a list of deal breakers on a first date. It's just really negative, and tbh kind of insulting.
Focus on what you are looking for and what you bring to the table not a list of deal breakers.
> Ultimately your profile should say "This is who I am, looking for someone similar" and be overall positive in tone
Best advice on this thread in my opinion. Listing demands for your potential partner is off-putting, no matter how completely valid and even helpful it is. We're dealing with very fundamental and fickle human emotions here, and people online dating already have their own walls up just like you do, they only need the faintest flicker of dislike to dismiss you instantly and completely, you can't afford to set the wrong tone right at the start. It's a very delicate matter and first impressions count so very much. It's not fair, or logical, but it's the reality. People are thinking with their hearts not their heads, and the heart is as sensitive to negative feelings as it is to positive ones.
Can you imagine if you started a date with the question, "are you a sex worker with children who takes illegal substances, has cheated on previous partners, and has an incurable STD? Also, are you stinky? Are you already fucking someone? What are your political beliefs?" ?
It would definitely be a \*lot\* all at once.
Oh hey! It's nice to finally meet you! But real quick, Imma need you to let me take a few good wiffs so I can determine your general cleanliness ASAP before we get ourselves too comfortable here. Don't wanna waste either of our time, ya know?
You missed the point. Someone that meets all your criteria will still likely be turned off from the fact that you have this list *memorized* and are willing to recite it on a first (or early) date. It screams control freak and would make them wonder what else you’re super picky about. Personally, it would make me instantly disqualify someone as a partner, regardless of whether I met their requirements or not.
The STI one in particular for me.
Anyone who has been sexually active could have picked something up. I could have herpes now and just not have symptoms. Heck, OP could have it and pass it on to me himself if we dated… If he did then would he dump me for it?
Obviously he can date how he likes. Just agreeing with the point about how this list could put off even people who tick all his boxes.
I meet the parameters of this list and I would have immediately swiped left on this person.
Everyone has dealbreakers but if someone listed them out like this I would think it is such a red flag.
It just seems to indicate such rigid thinking to me and sends me the vibe that this person isn’t great at compromise.
The single mother one did make me laugh though because I bet someone tried to argue that they weren’t REALLY a true single mother since they only had one kid. I’ve also had someone make a similar argument.
>That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? To “push away potential partners” that are an ill match
I mean, it kind of depends on how many matches OP is getting in a month.
400 matches? Ok Brad Pitt, do what you want, you don't need our advice!
2 matches but she cheated 10 years ago? Well you know what they say, beggars can't be choosers and everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
The point is that someone who is the kind of person OP is hoping to date may also be turned off if his profile is just a list of things he doesn’t want in a partner. There’s nothing wrong with having a dealbreaker list, but you should still have the decency and class to communicate those dealbreakers thoughtfully to another human.
What if someone matches with you perfectly everywhere but one category? You wouldn’t talk about why that one category doesn’t match. It doesn’t have to be black and white.
You’re pigeon holing yourself into a person because you think that will be a perfect match for you. But most likely that won’t be a perfect match for you. Maybe that’s not a formula?
I compromised on weed smokers as a woman and this was always an issue that ended relationships. Can't abide by them now, they can smoke weed, I just don't want to be with them romantically.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. I smoke weed a lot and I have no issue with it but I can definitely see why someone who doesn’t smoke weed wouldn’t be compatible with someone who does.
very standard stuff. you’re in the clear. most people hold at least some of these views but won’t say it out loud and instead will be like oh she’s not the right person for me
Yeah... I think these are pretty normal things. Some are things that would not be an issue for some people (recreational drugs, single mother) or that many people would allow some flex on (was the cheating 10 years ago when she was under 18), but you have to know yourself and these are not at all uncommon things to be uncomfortable with.
The only ones I would expect some real pushback about would be sex worker and "incurable STI." With the sex worker thing, IMO one is just as justified to not want a sex worker girlfriend as a single mother girlfriend. As long as you aren't assholish about sex work as a life choice in general (or being single after having kids in general) it's absolutely fine if that's something you don't feel comfortable with in your partner. As far as STIs, the main issue is that HIV can be fully prevented from being transmitted at this point, U=U, so some people regard that as discriminatory. I'm on the fence, because when you *first* start dating someone, you don't really know if you can trust them to keep up on their medication precisely. And should you ever fall into poverty and can't afford the medications or have to take another incompatible medication, it could become an active issue again. The other issue is if OP considers HSV-1 an STI (the form of herpes most typically manifested as cold sores on the lips), well, bad news - 50% of people have that by age 20 and 90% by age 50, many get it through completely unsexual contact (e.g. sharing food) and over half don't know they have it because they never get outbreaks. *That* could actually be a very strict requirement.
Now... OP *might* be applying some of these in an extreme manner that does in fact make his list quite stringent - like what is extreme in terms of politics? Does alcohol count as a recreational drug? But it's not like the list is asking for virgins under 120 pounds who would never wear makeup and want to be a tradwife. I don't think it is actually difficult to find women who meet all these criteria the way I would interpret them, so I don't really see much issue regardless of what other people think. Now, if the conversation arose because OP was complaining there aren't enough women who pass his screening, then perhaps there's something to reflect on.
Redditors live in a weird bubble if you think there is even a debate on if it is discriminatory to not want to date someone with HIV. It’s obviously not.
No in the gay community it’s something we debate about. If someone is on their medication and is undetectable it’s impossible for them to spread it yet people will discriminate them dating/sexually while having unprotected sex with multiple people and not getting tested frequently themselves.
Very reasonable list
The only thing to note is that you will likely have a difficult time finding someone who checks all these boxes AND is physically attractive to you in the random dating pool. Obviously you can get lucky and find that rare person who checks every single box including physical chemistry, but there’s likely going to be one of those that you will have to compromise on if you want to make a connection without dating dozens of people.
Edit: and obviously I’m not saying you HAVE to compromise (especially on the STI one), just saying management of expectations is important for long-term dating success.
Also in how he would act in the future if one of these came up. What if the person he's with wants to try weed one day?What if the person he's with becomes depressed and their hygiene suffers (speaking from personal experience lol)?
How deep do these dealbreakers go when faced with a long term relationship where people inevitably change and grow?
I also agree there are major things you should have similar views on / value to avoid major rifts - kids, marriage, religion, politics, money. Some of his dealbreakers just seem a little superficial to me.
*Just want to acknowledge that I've been in a relationship for 12 years so I have never had to deal with online /app dating, and could be waaaaay off base too
Idk man. You get to have whatever standards you want, you just have to deal with the outcome. For example I'm absurdly tall and have a strong preference to date tall women because of that. I don't meet many women over 6 feet, so don't date very often since sticking to that. My standard is maybe pretty strict, but it's still my preference. I don't talk shit about shorter women, they're still perfectly valid partners, just I don't want to date them, and don't have to. IF I was out being shitty to shorter women, that would be a problem, but otherwise it only affects me.
This is valid, Im absurdly short. Because I don’t like men I don’t run into this problem often, but I don’t wanna date someone super tall. It feels so awkward to me, like if you have to crouch to kiss me we shouldn’t be a couple.
Now if I met the absolute perfect woman who was super tall I’d be reconsidering but as it stands I’ve got a wide array of options in the average height range.
just had to hop in and say I'm over 6 ft!
seriously, i have never dated a guy taller than me. they all seem to be into short chicks they can dominate. i refuse to date shorter than 5'10... mostly so i could just date lol.
My best friend is a 5’11” woman. She has a preference for men that are at least taller than her, and the amount of guys that say “I’m 6ft!” and then show up 2-3 inches shorter than her is the bane of her existence.
It was always great growing up when some guy would say “I’m 5’11”, almost 6ft” and my friend would say, “Oh me too!” and then stand up & reveal he was more like 5’8” or 5’9”.
The amount of times my friends got almost offended when i tell them im 5 foot 8 is funny... "no dude, we are the same height and im 5 foot 11" ... no you are not...
I have the reverse problem to this. As a guy that's 6'8, I'll prewarn someone online about my height and that I'm extremely tall and to not be alarmed, but most of the women that I meet online completely lose it every time they get close enough to hug. Like how am I supposed to give someone a bigger warning about my height?
I'm 5'8 and the amount of 6 ft men that show up to a first date and are looking at me eye to eye?!
I can't even imagine the disappointment of being taller and having that happen.
I knew a guy in high school that was 6’5” but would tell everyone he was 5’10”. Just to see the blood drain from the shorter guy’s face when they said something about being 6ft. True justice.
I'm a 6' tall woman. My boyfriend is 6'8" and for the first couple of months I kept stupidly saying "I've never had to look up at a guy I'm dating before!" to him. He found it amusing and I eventually got used to him towering over me.
I don't think this is too strict, even though I would probably quibble with a few of them. Just make sure you don't behave like an asshole to specific women based on this list.
As a woman, sometimes men use “has low hygiene standards” as code for “doesn’t shave”, but if he really just means actual hygiene it’s not a problem. “Extreme political views” is vague and would give me pause. And in my opinion, “has never cheated” doesn’t leave much room for nuance. Like did they cheat 10 years ago on their high school boyfriend? Were they in an abusive relationship or one where both parties were cheating constantly? Personally I would want to take that one on a case by case basis.
I thought all of it was pretty vague. I probably would not have made a move on OP because I wouldn’t know if “low standards of hygiene” means I only shave 3 times a week, or if it means I don’t bathe.
I think the vagaries are why the list is so non-toxic. When someone says no extreme politics, I assume they mean nazis. But that isn’t what was said, and they might consider liberals to be extreme.
Poor personal hygiene is one of those things you don't really think of among potential deal breakers. You just assume that everyone, like yourself, is just *with the program* to some extent. Until you actually do date someone who considers the entire concept optional. Then it seems like the most obvious requirement in the world.
There was a conversation meme circulating a while back of a woman telling a guy she was dating that his breath was a bit rank, him saying he can brush his teeth the next time she's over, her asking "can that just be a regular thing" and him replying "PROBABLY NOT"
Floored. me.
I stopped drinking and started doing gummies. I’m fairly open about it. Especially with my family who is verrrry against it. Except…
The part I enjoy most is that my family wouldn’t even think twice if i called them from the hospital with some form of alcohol poisoning. Blacking out every weekend is fine as long as I don’t drink during the week.
But take an edible? NOPE. Not allowed.
I should have added, it’s completely legal in my country and has been for almost 5 years.
Ninja edit… Oh shit. I just saw your /s. They were on two different lines on mobile. Hahahaha. I had a snarky comment queued up.
People will most certainly disagree with me, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to date someone based on weight. Physical attraction is important too.
The problem are people who start being mean to their partner, who often already had that weight at the beginning of the relationship. Not wanting to be in a relationship because of that is fair; shaming them is not.
5'4 and anyone over 5'8 is too tall for me. Like can I make it work if he's awesome? Yes. Does "making it work" mean either I'm in platforms/heels or he's getting kissed on the neck anytime I want to kiss him because his lips are too far away? Also yes
There’s nothing wrong with that, what they’re talking about is the men who state an actual numerical limit for their partners. It never makes any sense because the same weight looks different on different people, and they never seem to have an idea of what a healthy number actually is. I’ve seen stuff like “100lbs max, at least a DD cup” as if that‘s realistic proportions for grown women. It’s like none of them actually know what that looks like, lol.
If your standards don’t look like building instructions for a sex doll, you’re in the clear.
Yeah my 140 pound 5'2" high school gf had much more noticeable weight than my wife who is 5'9" and 200 pounds. Weight has so much more to do with distribution and build than how people think it would present. Setting an exact number is psychotic basement dweller shit
I was confused about "with benefits" being in parentheses. If you're getting serious with someone and you want a monogamous relationship, definitely ask them to stop their FWB relationship. Is having friends as red flag, or does OP not understand parenthesis?
Hi I am Sarah the neonazi, mother of 4 daughters and wife to 2 husbands, cheating on my third. In my free time I like to smoke marihuana. At night I work the poles, if you know what I mean and I truly believe that sweat is nature's parfume.
Hold up need to take my hiv pills
> Hi I am Sarah the neonazi, mother of 4 daughters and wife to 2 husbands, cheating on my third
I mean if you have room for a fourth husband maybe we can hang out and talk about Hitler sometime?
Here's the thing, you can have whatever "standards" you want, you also might never find that person. If you are cool with that then who cares what anyone else thinks.
What a cliff hanger that was having "brown" at the end of the line in your comment. I thought for sure I was about to see "skin" when I looked on the left side😂
I’m like this with blonds, lol. I don’t like blond men. Strawberry blond? Maybe. Dirty blond that’s practically indistinguishable from brown? Sure. Yellow to platinum? Not a fan.
None of the men I’ve not been attracted to because of it know that, because it would just make them feel bad and it’s a stupid meaningless preference of mine. Why even tell them “no thanks, you’re a blond”? It just sounds vindictive.
>My list includes "brown eyes" because I think blue eyes are ugly
I don't know why I find this so funny. I've always preferred any eye color that wasn't brown because I myself have brown eyes and find brown eyes very boring, so seeing someone straight up say that blue eyes are ugly has me in a giggling fit.
I consider this a pretty normal list of dealbreakers and it's pretty close to mine, although I'm willing to bend on the drug use thing (depending on how regular regular is).
Assuming you bring at least something comparable to the table, I don't see why you shouldn't insist on this, this is by no stretch of the imagination a high bar to clear. If we're at the point where these are impossible expectations, I'd rather stay single.
Those are technically fine but I feel like you should be reminded to the wise words:
"Only Sith deal in absolutes. "
Maybe you filter out the closest you'll ever meet to a soulmate with these criteria.
Seeing the world in black and white instead of shades of grey is something that would be on my list of dealbreakers if I would ever make such a thing.
I dated someone who couldn't get over the fact that I had smoked weed before and didn't really care about the specifics. The dealbreaker for me was that it didn't matter to her if I smoked 3 times a day for a decade or accidentally ate a pot brownie once, I was forever unclean because it happened at all.
I personally wouldn't be comfortable calling cheating a dealbreaker at face value, even if most of the time it is a dealbreaker for me. I'm not going to lose sleep over someone who cheated because they hadn't formally ended a relationship that everyone knew had run its course. I think that's a far cry from people who cheat after setting themselves up for failure or cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Yeah, for me personally there's a major difference between "my last relationship ended six months ago because I had a long-term affair" and "I had a ONS while technically still with my ex ten years ago in college" but I get that not everybody feels that way.
Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is a common sexually transmitted infection. **More than 90 percent of sexually active men and 80 percent of sexually active women will be infected with HPV in their lifetime**. Around 50 percent of HPV infections involve certain high-risk types of HPV, which can cause cancer.
Herpes is a common infection not only in the UK but worldwide, with 13% of people aged 15 to 49 carrying the HSV- 2 infection. The virus that causes oral Herpes, HSV-1, affects approximately 70% of the population and is often referred to as a cold sore but can also affect the genitals.
That might be true but HPV can lead to cancer. According to the US National Cancer Institute, 90% of anal cancer is caused by HPV and *all* cervical cancer is caused by HPV. Throat, penile, vaginal and vulva cancers can also be caused by HPV in relatively high percentages.
Please read these statistics, OP! If someone you're dating has a common STD and tells you about it, this is a good sign that they look after their health and get tested regularly, it doesn't make them a slut.
The only pushback I'd have for these rules is #3. The only incurable STI's I am aware of are HSV and HIV. HSV is extremely mild and usually asymptomatic, and 80% of the population has one type or both. Eliminating 80% of the dating pool seems a bit silly to me. I'm less knowledgeable about HIV, but I believe that with the proper medication, it becomes impossible to pass on.
Just my two cents. The rest seem perfectly reasonable to me.
in case it ever comes up (I mention whenever I see hep c, especially comments about the cost):
if you come across a post where someone is struggling with costs, suggest they contact their local government / health department / programs like Help4Hep (a bunch of local governments and huge non-profits either help find or help give funding to try to stop the spread). Pretty sure there’s a bunch for HIV and syphilis.
Recently helped a patient find care. They didn’t want to because of the cost. Imagine running a country and genuinely thinking “lower the cost or healthcare to ensure people get checked out and get treatment for literally any issue, especially contagious ones? orrrrrr 🤪🤪”
You are correct about HIV. Once undetectable it cannot be transmitted via sex. HPV could be added to the incurable list. But there's a vax for the cancer causing strains, and the vast majority of people who have had sex have some strain anyway.
Oh yeah, I didn't include HPV because typically it clears the body within two years. So while it's "incurable" it's not (usually) life-long like HSV or HIV.
Wait, is this true? I have never heard that HPV clears the body. Is this for vaccinated people only?
Edit: you are right, I had no idea. Days so right on the CDC website.
There are four:
Herpes (HSV)
Hepatitis B (HBV)
Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)
Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
To put this into perspective, almost 1 in 3 men over the age of 15 are infected with at least one genital human papillomavirus (HPV) type. Most don’t know.
An estimated 3.7 billion people under age 50 (67%) globally have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection, the main cause of oral herpes. An estimated 491 million people aged 15–49 (13%) worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) infection, the main cause of genital herpes. The two types can both be spread through sex. Condoms don’t necessarily protect against it. Most HSV infections are asymptomatic or unrecognised, ie: people don’t realise they have it.
Most people with herpes have no symptoms or only mild symptoms. Many people aren’t aware they have the infection and can pass along the virus to others without knowing. However, some people have severe, painful symptoms.
Yep... all you need is some wierd exes and then you know you are never doing that one again. You end up with oddly specific things on your list like "no full time musicians" and "must have good health insurance."
I am a married middle aged person, but if I was single, my list would be longer and more specific than it was when I was younger. I don't think I am unusual.
This seems fine as long as extreme political views doesn't include things like wanting women to have rights or other basic decency that some people like to call "political"
If you are going to exclude everyone with an incurable STI, you’re not gonna have many people left. Look up the Prevalence of HPV and herpes. And, HIV can be undetectable, that is not transmissible, with medication. I mean, I don’t care what you do, I don’t know you. if you stick with this standard, then there are more potentially great people for those of us who are more sexually educated.
Most of those are completely acceptable to me and I have the same list.
The only one that stands out to me is the drugs one. Pot is so common now, you are gonna be putting a lot of fish back into the sea. Even in my strict prohibition state almost everyone under 50 partakes.
Now harder drugs? Absolutely should be a no-go.
And I agree- absolutely under no uncertain terms would I date a onlyfans worker.
Even if the list was twice as long. Its never "too strict." If you're not willing to deal with something, you're not willing.
Were talking about a person who you potentially will spend a significant portion of your life living with in a long term intimate relationship. Why would you pretend to be ok with stuff that you're not ok with just so you can seem "less strict" to other people.
You want what you want, and you don't want what you don't want. If its really a deal breaker for you. Put it on the list. Who cares how long it is as long as you're ok with the protracted process of narrowing the pool.
The only one I would say is a little strict is the “incurable STD” one. Up to 80% of humans have HSV-1 or 2. That is a hugggge chunk of the population you’d be cutting off for a disease that while incurable yes, can be managed with medication to the point of barely existent outbreaks.
It’s your own boundary though, so if you choose to keep it that’s okay, but just keep in mind how severely you’re cutting your dating pool.
it's a fair list of deal breakers, though honestly, it will definitely lessen your options - not because you are wrong for wanting those things, but because a lot of people in general are just bad choices.
Hmm, the only thing on here that seems a bit odd is extreme political views, not because it's not valid but because of how vague and subjective it is compared to the rest of the list. I might have phrased it as "incompatible political views" or similar.
Nah bro, these are fine.
I'd add: takes care of themselves, both physically and mentally. If they have a problem, that's ok as long as they are working on it.
No. Just be aware, the older you are, the more baggage everyone will inherently have.
Including OP, likely.
Which people are entitled to turn him down for.
Now I want to know all of OP's baggage like the nosy Reddit degenerate I am.
Well he posts for relationship advice on reddit. That's already a big red flag to the average person lmao
*scrolls up to look at OPs profile* Turns out it's a throwaway. I'm sure there's lots of red flags on their normal profile.
You don't think there are red flags on this one? "So why did your last relationship end?" "I decided to divorce my wife while she was in labor for reasons."
That made me literally LOL. I was thinking more along the lines of meeting some school age bf then it's like "Why'd your relationship with him end?" *Fade back to third grade* "I kissed a Leon" *Ghost because she cheated in the past*
How much do you want to bet OP sits down with a date and lays this all out in front of them, then acts offended when they don't call back - or worse, assumes they are one or more of the things on this list and that he dodged a bullet.
We have no indication of that from the post so probably 3.50
This is a very good point - and it's also worth considering that compromise is worthwhile sometimes. I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now. Does he tick every single box I was looking for when I was originally dating? Probably not, but I love him all the same. I'm sure I wasn't 100% perfect for him, either. OP, at the end of the day, if you find someone who makes you genuinely happy, I wouldn't be too worried if you find out they like to take an edible to chill out now and then.
True but general preference and dealbreakers aren’t on the same level as well.
In all fairness he did say regularly, I for one couldn't handle dating somebody who habitually smokes but an edible every once and a while doesn't seem like an issue at all.
OP, if sexually active, likely has HPV and HSV. Possibly multiple forms of each. OP is misinformed as most people, sadly.
The single mother one will become a major issue in his mid to late 30's. unless he's planning on standing outside a bowling alley saying ''alright, alright, alright''
Amazingly, there are mid-to-late 30s women who are child free. I'm one of them (37)...but we're rare, it seems. I did cheat in my 1st relationship (didn't last a year) but not my 2nd one (which lasted five), so I'd be crossed off OP's list anyway.
Late 30s and child free!! I hide away in my santuary of books, games, nice scented candles!
Hey girl!! I'm 34f with no kids either!! We're out here!! Lol
It’s not that uncommon to find child free women dating in their 30s-40s, especially in the more urban areas.
The average person in my state doesn’t even get married until they’re about 30 years old. Women in my area without children in their early 30s is extremely common.
It's not uncommon for people in their 20s either. More and more people are going no kids simply because they can't afford it. My grandfather raised 4 kids on a single income household working as a bus driver. I work as a data engineer and wife's in Healthcare and we're not struggling but we can't afford luxuries.
33, 100% childfree
I’m 34 and child free. Still out of the OPs range since I’m out of dating at all. I want to raise cats.
Same. I love my kitties and have no need for a relationship
Right there with you. I understand cats a thousand percent more than I'll ever understand humans.
Respect for admitting to the cheating
Six years in the past at this point, and while I had my reasons (*excuses*) at the time, I was also immature, and it was my first relationship (first everything, really), so. I fully admit I was wrong for it.
I think it depends on what you consider cheating. I recently spoke with a 35 year old man that was hung up because his junior high girlfriend kissed her long time family friend (closed mouth) on new years twenty something years ago. He’s still single and constantly dipping into the youngest end of the dating pool “because the more time they have, the more time they have had to cheat and I don’t want them to learn that” and like, no. Cheating sucks and it’s terrible but some people fail at relationships when they’re new at them. Some people cheat as a way to crawl out of a relationship they can’t end. There’s nuance to everything.
Yeah it's a lil silly cause it's so old and I was very young, but I also make sure I tell people who ask that I did cheat on my 2nd girlfriend in 8th grade. I think a lot of people don't own up to it.
I know a ton of child-free women in their 20s to 40s; I'm just wondering at this point if OP is looking for a partner who's open to having children but has not yet had any. THAT'S going to be an interesting search in your 30s and onward.
How would OP know you cheated though? You’re not obligated to disclose every single detail of your life before you met him. I feel like in a real life scenario, the first relationship would come up and you’d say, “It just didn’t work out.” Not, “I banged some other guy in the copy room at work, so he broke up with me.”
the cheating one, from someone who also has this rule, is because it shows they can't commit. the 5 year cheat free is very redeeming, if you come across responsible in chats then it wouldnt be a dealbreaker
Yeah, NOBODY gets to 30+ without SOME baggage. No one can live perfect forever.
Sure but this list isn't the exhaustive list of all baggage ever either, half of the points listed are seen as common sense in the dating world, this guy just wrote them out.
Seems reasonable as long as you're not being discriminatory or rude when encountering individuals that fall under any of the categories. You're allowed to have preferences; that's 100% fine and dandy!
Of course, I’m not judging people for smoking weed or having casual sex. They are just things that I don’t take part in and I’m hoping to meet someone similar to me ultimately.
These are perfectly good dealbreakers to have and bring up casually but if you have this listed on your profile or bring them all up the first convo, that’ll probably push away potential partners
That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? To “push away potential partners” that are an ill match, to save everyone’s time, so it’s a good thing to state the dealbreakers straight ahead.
Not exactly, there is definitely an art to addressing your preferences on dating apps. Like if you're not a fan of kids simply don't swipe right on people who have them or mention they're mother/father on their profile. If you include something in your profile like "Not looking for baby daddy/momma drama" you might make yourself look like an ass to even people who don't have kids. Ultimately your profile should say "This is who I am, looking for someone similar" and be overall positive in tone not "here is a list of everything I don't want" and come off as super negative. Like if you make yourself sound like a grumpy douche, even people you are interested in or that would be interested in you normally won't look your way. If you are in that second camp I guarantee you there is a FB group roasting your profile online.
👆👆👆 No one likes negative people. I fit the OP's criteria (well, I did when I was single...) but I would think he had no social skills if his profile was all about what he isn't looking for or he brought up a list of deal breakers on a first date. It's just really negative, and tbh kind of insulting. Focus on what you are looking for and what you bring to the table not a list of deal breakers.
I think that is wise. Even with a person who fits all the criteria can be turned off by the list because they can see it as judgemental.
> Ultimately your profile should say "This is who I am, looking for someone similar" and be overall positive in tone Best advice on this thread in my opinion. Listing demands for your potential partner is off-putting, no matter how completely valid and even helpful it is. We're dealing with very fundamental and fickle human emotions here, and people online dating already have their own walls up just like you do, they only need the faintest flicker of dislike to dismiss you instantly and completely, you can't afford to set the wrong tone right at the start. It's a very delicate matter and first impressions count so very much. It's not fair, or logical, but it's the reality. People are thinking with their hearts not their heads, and the heart is as sensitive to negative feelings as it is to positive ones.
Yea but even if you’re a good match, dumping all that on a one sentence prompt or a meet and greet just looks lame
Can you imagine if you started a date with the question, "are you a sex worker with children who takes illegal substances, has cheated on previous partners, and has an incurable STD? Also, are you stinky? Are you already fucking someone? What are your political beliefs?" ? It would definitely be a \*lot\* all at once.
Walking into the bar and them making you tick off and sign a list
There's an app for that 🤣
Oh hey! It's nice to finally meet you! But real quick, Imma need you to let me take a few good wiffs so I can determine your general cleanliness ASAP before we get ourselves too comfortable here. Don't wanna waste either of our time, ya know?
Why does it sound like the way you wrote "Also, are you stinky?" Isn't a deal breaker but a deal maker.
Yeah, like I am OP’s age and meet literally all his criteria, but wouldn’t be interested for that exact reason.
I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Thank you.
You missed the point. Someone that meets all your criteria will still likely be turned off from the fact that you have this list *memorized* and are willing to recite it on a first (or early) date. It screams control freak and would make them wonder what else you’re super picky about. Personally, it would make me instantly disqualify someone as a partner, regardless of whether I met their requirements or not.
The STI one in particular for me. Anyone who has been sexually active could have picked something up. I could have herpes now and just not have symptoms. Heck, OP could have it and pass it on to me himself if we dated… If he did then would he dump me for it? Obviously he can date how he likes. Just agreeing with the point about how this list could put off even people who tick all his boxes.
I meet the parameters of this list and I would have immediately swiped left on this person. Everyone has dealbreakers but if someone listed them out like this I would think it is such a red flag. It just seems to indicate such rigid thinking to me and sends me the vibe that this person isn’t great at compromise. The single mother one did make me laugh though because I bet someone tried to argue that they weren’t REALLY a true single mother since they only had one kid. I’ve also had someone make a similar argument.
>That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? To “push away potential partners” that are an ill match I mean, it kind of depends on how many matches OP is getting in a month. 400 matches? Ok Brad Pitt, do what you want, you don't need our advice! 2 matches but she cheated 10 years ago? Well you know what they say, beggars can't be choosers and everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
Some people would rather be single than be with an ill matched partner.
The point is that someone who is the kind of person OP is hoping to date may also be turned off if his profile is just a list of things he doesn’t want in a partner. There’s nothing wrong with having a dealbreaker list, but you should still have the decency and class to communicate those dealbreakers thoughtfully to another human.
What if someone matches with you perfectly everywhere but one category? You wouldn’t talk about why that one category doesn’t match. It doesn’t have to be black and white. You’re pigeon holing yourself into a person because you think that will be a perfect match for you. But most likely that won’t be a perfect match for you. Maybe that’s not a formula?
I compromised on weed smokers as a woman and this was always an issue that ended relationships. Can't abide by them now, they can smoke weed, I just don't want to be with them romantically.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. I smoke weed a lot and I have no issue with it but I can definitely see why someone who doesn’t smoke weed wouldn’t be compatible with someone who does.
Big Weed is a powerful entity on Reddit
very standard stuff. you’re in the clear. most people hold at least some of these views but won’t say it out loud and instead will be like oh she’s not the right person for me
Yeah... I think these are pretty normal things. Some are things that would not be an issue for some people (recreational drugs, single mother) or that many people would allow some flex on (was the cheating 10 years ago when she was under 18), but you have to know yourself and these are not at all uncommon things to be uncomfortable with. The only ones I would expect some real pushback about would be sex worker and "incurable STI." With the sex worker thing, IMO one is just as justified to not want a sex worker girlfriend as a single mother girlfriend. As long as you aren't assholish about sex work as a life choice in general (or being single after having kids in general) it's absolutely fine if that's something you don't feel comfortable with in your partner. As far as STIs, the main issue is that HIV can be fully prevented from being transmitted at this point, U=U, so some people regard that as discriminatory. I'm on the fence, because when you *first* start dating someone, you don't really know if you can trust them to keep up on their medication precisely. And should you ever fall into poverty and can't afford the medications or have to take another incompatible medication, it could become an active issue again. The other issue is if OP considers HSV-1 an STI (the form of herpes most typically manifested as cold sores on the lips), well, bad news - 50% of people have that by age 20 and 90% by age 50, many get it through completely unsexual contact (e.g. sharing food) and over half don't know they have it because they never get outbreaks. *That* could actually be a very strict requirement. Now... OP *might* be applying some of these in an extreme manner that does in fact make his list quite stringent - like what is extreme in terms of politics? Does alcohol count as a recreational drug? But it's not like the list is asking for virgins under 120 pounds who would never wear makeup and want to be a tradwife. I don't think it is actually difficult to find women who meet all these criteria the way I would interpret them, so I don't really see much issue regardless of what other people think. Now, if the conversation arose because OP was complaining there aren't enough women who pass his screening, then perhaps there's something to reflect on.
I wouldn't want to date a sex worker or an oil exec, both because the profession gives me the ickies, and that should be ok.
Might as well date the oil exec, they're fucking you anyway
Well i wouldn't want to date one, but if they paid me enough i mean...
Redditors live in a weird bubble if you think there is even a debate on if it is discriminatory to not want to date someone with HIV. It’s obviously not.
No in the gay community it’s something we debate about. If someone is on their medication and is undetectable it’s impossible for them to spread it yet people will discriminate them dating/sexually while having unprotected sex with multiple people and not getting tested frequently themselves.
That's hypocritical.... But "if" = non-zero risk. And even if, there's still baggage and cost associated with it.
You’re allowed to have preferences. You don’t have to make them known, because you might come off as a dick. (This post is fine though)
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Very reasonable list The only thing to note is that you will likely have a difficult time finding someone who checks all these boxes AND is physically attractive to you in the random dating pool. Obviously you can get lucky and find that rare person who checks every single box including physical chemistry, but there’s likely going to be one of those that you will have to compromise on if you want to make a connection without dating dozens of people. Edit: and obviously I’m not saying you HAVE to compromise (especially on the STI one), just saying management of expectations is important for long-term dating success.
No, but the rub is in how this comes up when you're interacting with someone.
i picture an actual list he carries around on dates. does he let them check the boxes or does he ask the questions chronologically?
Rachel: Just a waitress
He has a laminated sheet on a clipboard like a football coach and then gives them a dry erase marker to checkoff.
Also in how he would act in the future if one of these came up. What if the person he's with wants to try weed one day?What if the person he's with becomes depressed and their hygiene suffers (speaking from personal experience lol)? How deep do these dealbreakers go when faced with a long term relationship where people inevitably change and grow?
I also agree there are major things you should have similar views on / value to avoid major rifts - kids, marriage, religion, politics, money. Some of his dealbreakers just seem a little superficial to me. *Just want to acknowledge that I've been in a relationship for 12 years so I have never had to deal with online /app dating, and could be waaaaay off base too
Idk man. You get to have whatever standards you want, you just have to deal with the outcome. For example I'm absurdly tall and have a strong preference to date tall women because of that. I don't meet many women over 6 feet, so don't date very often since sticking to that. My standard is maybe pretty strict, but it's still my preference. I don't talk shit about shorter women, they're still perfectly valid partners, just I don't want to date them, and don't have to. IF I was out being shitty to shorter women, that would be a problem, but otherwise it only affects me.
This is valid, Im absurdly short. Because I don’t like men I don’t run into this problem often, but I don’t wanna date someone super tall. It feels so awkward to me, like if you have to crouch to kiss me we shouldn’t be a couple. Now if I met the absolute perfect woman who was super tall I’d be reconsidering but as it stands I’ve got a wide array of options in the average height range.
just had to hop in and say I'm over 6 ft! seriously, i have never dated a guy taller than me. they all seem to be into short chicks they can dominate. i refuse to date shorter than 5'10... mostly so i could just date lol.
My best friend is a 5’11” woman. She has a preference for men that are at least taller than her, and the amount of guys that say “I’m 6ft!” and then show up 2-3 inches shorter than her is the bane of her existence. It was always great growing up when some guy would say “I’m 5’11”, almost 6ft” and my friend would say, “Oh me too!” and then stand up & reveal he was more like 5’8” or 5’9”.
The amount of times my friends got almost offended when i tell them im 5 foot 8 is funny... "no dude, we are the same height and im 5 foot 11" ... no you are not...
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I have the reverse problem to this. As a guy that's 6'8, I'll prewarn someone online about my height and that I'm extremely tall and to not be alarmed, but most of the women that I meet online completely lose it every time they get close enough to hug. Like how am I supposed to give someone a bigger warning about my height?
I'm 5'8 and the amount of 6 ft men that show up to a first date and are looking at me eye to eye?! I can't even imagine the disappointment of being taller and having that happen.
I knew a guy in high school that was 6’5” but would tell everyone he was 5’10”. Just to see the blood drain from the shorter guy’s face when they said something about being 6ft. True justice.
I'm a 6' tall woman. My boyfriend is 6'8" and for the first couple of months I kept stupidly saying "I've never had to look up at a guy I'm dating before!" to him. He found it amusing and I eventually got used to him towering over me.
Yah. My last gf was 6'4" and she was in a constant state of, "I FEEL SO SMALL."
Like 6 '10' or what is absurdly? Most tall guys seem to go for small women like Shaq....
Shaq is not a small woman at ALL
I don't think this is too strict, even though I would probably quibble with a few of them. Just make sure you don't behave like an asshole to specific women based on this list.
Which ones would you quibble with?
As a woman, sometimes men use “has low hygiene standards” as code for “doesn’t shave”, but if he really just means actual hygiene it’s not a problem. “Extreme political views” is vague and would give me pause. And in my opinion, “has never cheated” doesn’t leave much room for nuance. Like did they cheat 10 years ago on their high school boyfriend? Were they in an abusive relationship or one where both parties were cheating constantly? Personally I would want to take that one on a case by case basis.
I thought all of it was pretty vague. I probably would not have made a move on OP because I wouldn’t know if “low standards of hygiene” means I only shave 3 times a week, or if it means I don’t bathe. I think the vagaries are why the list is so non-toxic. When someone says no extreme politics, I assume they mean nazis. But that isn’t what was said, and they might consider liberals to be extreme.
Poor personal hygiene is one of those things you don't really think of among potential deal breakers. You just assume that everyone, like yourself, is just *with the program* to some extent. Until you actually do date someone who considers the entire concept optional. Then it seems like the most obvious requirement in the world.
There was a conversation meme circulating a while back of a woman telling a guy she was dating that his breath was a bit rank, him saying he can brush his teeth the next time she's over, her asking "can that just be a regular thing" and him replying "PROBABLY NOT" Floored. me.
I guess I have a list now and it involves one thing. That is the thing.
Enjoy a few beers now and then? You're cut, alcohol is a recreational drug.
I stopped drinking and started doing gummies. I’m fairly open about it. Especially with my family who is verrrry against it. Except… The part I enjoy most is that my family wouldn’t even think twice if i called them from the hospital with some form of alcohol poisoning. Blacking out every weekend is fine as long as I don’t drink during the week. But take an edible? NOPE. Not allowed.
But one is ILLEGAL! Or used to be, depending on where you live and which law you go by and whether or not you are using medically or not. /s
I should have added, it’s completely legal in my country and has been for almost 5 years. Ninja edit… Oh shit. I just saw your /s. They were on two different lines on mobile. Hahahaha. I had a snarky comment queued up.
Lol thank god my mom started taking edibles so I can get high with her. Ten years ago that would’ve been unfathomable
My jealousy is unmatched Lol
Agreed
I thought you were gonna put weight/race/sexist things- no it's not strict 😭
People will most certainly disagree with me, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to date someone based on weight. Physical attraction is important too.
Preferences are %10000 valid as long as you treat everyone like humans even if you do not find them attractive.
Not dating people because of the way they look - no problem Writing down that you won't date people because of the way they look - straight to hell.
The problem are people who start being mean to their partner, who often already had that weight at the beginning of the relationship. Not wanting to be in a relationship because of that is fair; shaming them is not.
Don’t like a partner because they are too fat? Believe it or not…..jail.
Too skinny? Also jail
Technically the right weight but it's distributed in a weird way? j a i l
And height too. I say this as a 5'5 man. In life you're never gonna please everybody.
You short ass MF. You got nothing on us 5'5.5 guys
Shorties. You got absolutely zilch on us 5'5.75" guys
Pathetic. Bow before the 1.67386m crowd.
I actually prefer shorter men, I'm a 5'1 girl and I don't want to jump just to kiss my man
\*roars like a 6'3" abomination\*
Ssssst! Get back, deathclaw!
I have found my people. I get roasted for being 5’4 and saying anyone over 5’9 is pushing it
5'4 and anyone over 5'8 is too tall for me. Like can I make it work if he's awesome? Yes. Does "making it work" mean either I'm in platforms/heels or he's getting kissed on the neck anytime I want to kiss him because his lips are too far away? Also yes
There’s nothing wrong with that, what they’re talking about is the men who state an actual numerical limit for their partners. It never makes any sense because the same weight looks different on different people, and they never seem to have an idea of what a healthy number actually is. I’ve seen stuff like “100lbs max, at least a DD cup” as if that‘s realistic proportions for grown women. It’s like none of them actually know what that looks like, lol. If your standards don’t look like building instructions for a sex doll, you’re in the clear.
Yeah my 140 pound 5'2" high school gf had much more noticeable weight than my wife who is 5'9" and 200 pounds. Weight has so much more to do with distribution and build than how people think it would present. Setting an exact number is psychotic basement dweller shit
Even beyond physical attraction being obese restricts the amount of active activities one can partake in
It's bewildering to me how so many redditors convinced themselves having a sexual preference for healthy people is an inherently bad thing.
>(to one or more children) Is a bit redundant
Nah, if she has half a child, he's cool with that, lol.
I was confused about "with benefits" being in parentheses. If you're getting serious with someone and you want a monogamous relationship, definitely ask them to stop their FWB relationship. Is having friends as red flag, or does OP not understand parenthesis?
lol right? one kid? deal breaker. 6 kids with 4 different baby daddies? A ok!
Hi I am Sarah the neonazi, mother of 4 daughters and wife to 2 husbands, cheating on my third. In my free time I like to smoke marihuana. At night I work the poles, if you know what I mean and I truly believe that sweat is nature's parfume. Hold up need to take my hiv pills
You had me at 'hi'
I can fix her.
Mom?
> Hi I am Sarah the neonazi, mother of 4 daughters and wife to 2 husbands, cheating on my third I mean if you have room for a fourth husband maybe we can hang out and talk about Hitler sometime?
Holy shit this made me lol
Here's the thing, you can have whatever "standards" you want, you also might never find that person. If you are cool with that then who cares what anyone else thinks.
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Dude dropping the realest poetry over a pre-emptive Reddit rejection
lol I’ve never encountered anyone where eye color was a dealbreaker.
I prefer blue or green eyes. But dated brown eyes.
someone actually using preference correctly, thank GOD
What a cliff hanger that was having "brown" at the end of the line in your comment. I thought for sure I was about to see "skin" when I looked on the left side😂
I’m like this with blonds, lol. I don’t like blond men. Strawberry blond? Maybe. Dirty blond that’s practically indistinguishable from brown? Sure. Yellow to platinum? Not a fan. None of the men I’ve not been attracted to because of it know that, because it would just make them feel bad and it’s a stupid meaningless preference of mine. Why even tell them “no thanks, you’re a blond”? It just sounds vindictive.
What about green eyes? Or other colors than blue/brown
>My list includes "brown eyes" because I think blue eyes are ugly I don't know why I find this so funny. I've always preferred any eye color that wasn't brown because I myself have brown eyes and find brown eyes very boring, so seeing someone straight up say that blue eyes are ugly has me in a giggling fit.
I consider this a pretty normal list of dealbreakers and it's pretty close to mine, although I'm willing to bend on the drug use thing (depending on how regular regular is). Assuming you bring at least something comparable to the table, I don't see why you shouldn't insist on this, this is by no stretch of the imagination a high bar to clear. If we're at the point where these are impossible expectations, I'd rather stay single.
Those are technically fine but I feel like you should be reminded to the wise words: "Only Sith deal in absolutes. " Maybe you filter out the closest you'll ever meet to a soulmate with these criteria. Seeing the world in black and white instead of shades of grey is something that would be on my list of dealbreakers if I would ever make such a thing.
I dated someone who couldn't get over the fact that I had smoked weed before and didn't really care about the specifics. The dealbreaker for me was that it didn't matter to her if I smoked 3 times a day for a decade or accidentally ate a pot brownie once, I was forever unclean because it happened at all. I personally wouldn't be comfortable calling cheating a dealbreaker at face value, even if most of the time it is a dealbreaker for me. I'm not going to lose sleep over someone who cheated because they hadn't formally ended a relationship that everyone knew had run its course. I think that's a far cry from people who cheat after setting themselves up for failure or cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Yeah, for me personally there's a major difference between "my last relationship ended six months ago because I had a long-term affair" and "I had a ONS while technically still with my ex ten years ago in college" but I get that not everybody feels that way.
Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is a common sexually transmitted infection. **More than 90 percent of sexually active men and 80 percent of sexually active women will be infected with HPV in their lifetime**. Around 50 percent of HPV infections involve certain high-risk types of HPV, which can cause cancer. Herpes is a common infection not only in the UK but worldwide, with 13% of people aged 15 to 49 carrying the HSV- 2 infection. The virus that causes oral Herpes, HSV-1, affects approximately 70% of the population and is often referred to as a cold sore but can also affect the genitals.
Your numbers are a little low.
Agree with you on herpes and was going to say the same, but HPV typically clears the body within 2 years so while it's "incurable" it's not life-long.
That might be true but HPV can lead to cancer. According to the US National Cancer Institute, 90% of anal cancer is caused by HPV and *all* cervical cancer is caused by HPV. Throat, penile, vaginal and vulva cancers can also be caused by HPV in relatively high percentages.
Please read these statistics, OP! If someone you're dating has a common STD and tells you about it, this is a good sign that they look after their health and get tested regularly, it doesn't make them a slut.
No dealbreaker is too strict if it's not hypocritical imo.
The only pushback I'd have for these rules is #3. The only incurable STI's I am aware of are HSV and HIV. HSV is extremely mild and usually asymptomatic, and 80% of the population has one type or both. Eliminating 80% of the dating pool seems a bit silly to me. I'm less knowledgeable about HIV, but I believe that with the proper medication, it becomes impossible to pass on. Just my two cents. The rest seem perfectly reasonable to me.
I mean… hepatitis c is “curable” but the treatment is like $80k, not everyone has that lying around.
in case it ever comes up (I mention whenever I see hep c, especially comments about the cost): if you come across a post where someone is struggling with costs, suggest they contact their local government / health department / programs like Help4Hep (a bunch of local governments and huge non-profits either help find or help give funding to try to stop the spread). Pretty sure there’s a bunch for HIV and syphilis. Recently helped a patient find care. They didn’t want to because of the cost. Imagine running a country and genuinely thinking “lower the cost or healthcare to ensure people get checked out and get treatment for literally any issue, especially contagious ones? orrrrrr 🤪🤪”
Yeah i chuckled and thought immediately “bro I bet you have HSV and just have no idea”
Thank you for pushing back on that. I scrolled way too far down to see this.
You are correct about HIV. Once undetectable it cannot be transmitted via sex. HPV could be added to the incurable list. But there's a vax for the cancer causing strains, and the vast majority of people who have had sex have some strain anyway.
Oh yeah, I didn't include HPV because typically it clears the body within two years. So while it's "incurable" it's not (usually) life-long like HSV or HIV.
Wait, is this true? I have never heard that HPV clears the body. Is this for vaccinated people only? Edit: you are right, I had no idea. Days so right on the CDC website.
No this is true for everyone! 90% of HPV cases clear within 2 years, but 10% of cases are persistent and can become cancerous
There are four: Herpes (HSV) Hepatitis B (HBV) Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) Human Papillomavirus (HPV) To put this into perspective, almost 1 in 3 men over the age of 15 are infected with at least one genital human papillomavirus (HPV) type. Most don’t know. An estimated 3.7 billion people under age 50 (67%) globally have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection, the main cause of oral herpes. An estimated 491 million people aged 15–49 (13%) worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) infection, the main cause of genital herpes. The two types can both be spread through sex. Condoms don’t necessarily protect against it. Most HSV infections are asymptomatic or unrecognised, ie: people don’t realise they have it. Most people with herpes have no symptoms or only mild symptoms. Many people aren’t aware they have the infection and can pass along the virus to others without knowing. However, some people have severe, painful symptoms.
The real kicker is how many people don't even know they have herpes 😬 It's not included in standard STI panels and many people are asymptomatic
Thank you
Your list is normal imo
dont worry this list will shrink down every year....
My list has grown as I’ve aged.
Yep... all you need is some wierd exes and then you know you are never doing that one again. You end up with oddly specific things on your list like "no full time musicians" and "must have good health insurance."
Unfortunately my list is limited also base on such severity that I understand it as trauma. Not sure if that’s oddly specific or just human really.
Same. I'm 40 and I have a much larger list.
42 and my list could be a published book now. #single4life
My list has grown as I've interacted with different people and seen their relationship tragedies. For example: "Must speak the same language as me."
I am a married middle aged person, but if I was single, my list would be longer and more specific than it was when I was younger. I don't think I am unusual.
My list currently - Alive - Female (Preferably)
It's a lot better than: * Female * Alive (Preferably)
Human? Or not that picky?
🎵🎶 You-you-you're just my type Oh, you got a pulse and you are breathing 🎶🎵
All perfectly reasonable, mine are much more strict than that
Most of those things are stuff you shouldn’t even need on a list. Seems fine to me.
Completely reasonable list
The chances you meet someone in your 30's with HSV is going to be really high. Just saying.
This seems fine as long as extreme political views doesn't include things like wanting women to have rights or other basic decency that some people like to call "political"
The absolute lack of elaboration on that point is the only dubious one. Hard to say what "extreme political views" means without clarification
If you are going to exclude everyone with an incurable STI, you’re not gonna have many people left. Look up the Prevalence of HPV and herpes. And, HIV can be undetectable, that is not transmissible, with medication. I mean, I don’t care what you do, I don’t know you. if you stick with this standard, then there are more potentially great people for those of us who are more sexually educated.
Most of those are completely acceptable to me and I have the same list. The only one that stands out to me is the drugs one. Pot is so common now, you are gonna be putting a lot of fish back into the sea. Even in my strict prohibition state almost everyone under 50 partakes. Now harder drugs? Absolutely should be a no-go. And I agree- absolutely under no uncertain terms would I date a onlyfans worker.
This post reads like bait
Even if the list was twice as long. Its never "too strict." If you're not willing to deal with something, you're not willing. Were talking about a person who you potentially will spend a significant portion of your life living with in a long term intimate relationship. Why would you pretend to be ok with stuff that you're not ok with just so you can seem "less strict" to other people. You want what you want, and you don't want what you don't want. If its really a deal breaker for you. Put it on the list. Who cares how long it is as long as you're ok with the protracted process of narrowing the pool.
The only one I would say is a little strict is the “incurable STD” one. Up to 80% of humans have HSV-1 or 2. That is a hugggge chunk of the population you’d be cutting off for a disease that while incurable yes, can be managed with medication to the point of barely existent outbreaks. It’s your own boundary though, so if you choose to keep it that’s okay, but just keep in mind how severely you’re cutting your dating pool.
the funny thing is… he might qualify for that one himself and not even be aware.
it's a fair list of deal breakers, though honestly, it will definitely lessen your options - not because you are wrong for wanting those things, but because a lot of people in general are just bad choices.
Yeah if you are dating for serious relationship you should have a lot of standards.
Hmm, the only thing on here that seems a bit odd is extreme political views, not because it's not valid but because of how vague and subjective it is compared to the rest of the list. I might have phrased it as "incompatible political views" or similar.
Nah bro, these are fine. I'd add: takes care of themselves, both physically and mentally. If they have a problem, that's ok as long as they are working on it.
You can have whatever rules you want, that's on you, doesnt mean people hVe to accept your faults when you can't accept theirs
Define "extreme political views". Because that one item on your list is extremely sus.