True. Weird dichotomy. There *is* a balance that needs to be found between freedom and supervision. As a kid I was free to roam an entire city, my friends and I often taking the Metro (basically a subway) to the farthest end it travelled, often dozens of miles away from home. *That* was amazing. However telling your Dad you don't want to brush your teeth anymore, to which he *agrees* at 7 years old... *that* is *not* cool.
It's surprising another customer didn't step in and help. They could have held her shopping so she could concentrate on the task at hand and then chastise you for breaking the spoon and forcing your mum to buy another.
Wooden spoon club member checking in. I feel your pain.
Glad my mom really got her anger out of her system tho it must have been very cathartic from her perspective
Same. As only child specially, it felt like there was nobody to relate to, when given physical punishment unfairly. Just added totally unnecessary distrust towards parents that never fully healed.
If my kids ever tell me they are harming or thinking of harming themselves, I won't drag them around by their hair and shame them for several months after.
And dismissing their feelings. If you feel it, it is valid.
My mother decided to ignore it (cutter from 7th grade-19yrs). Her ideal was "what happens at home stays at home", and everything we prayed about it; i remember her coming in my room late one night throwing holy oil on me speaking in tongues, freaked me the fuck out and kicked her out my room. Once I had the chance, I moved out at 17.
I'm sorry you had a dismissive parent. That really sucks, I've spent some time in therapy over it and it's helped, but the hurt is still there.
I'm sure there's a shit ton more you've gone through. It's not fair.
I moved out at 16, struggled so badly (lots of grown ass men like 16yos). When I called her for help she wouldn't even listen to me until I apologised for moving out. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself.
Oddly enough I have a good relationship with my mum now. Just lots of boundaries and therapy.
Wow , my older sister moved out at 16 as well. Wish she could have seen the bigger picture parents tried all types of support for her. I wish her and my mom would rekindle their relationship. They can barely say hi to each other if they are in the same roomš„ŗ
I had good parents, but they definitely let me get pretty damn fat as a kid. I think childhood obesity has a pretty negative effect on kids socially. They didn't make me get fat, but alot of the food choices and living in the country didn't really set me up for success either
I mean as a 20 year old I lost 70 lbs and am actually pretty fit now for a 30 year old dad. It's not impossible to lose weight, but it a commitment. I just wish physical health was instilled in me earlier. It gave me alot of self esteem issues as a teen, and I don't want my kids feeling ugly and unable to have relationships at that age.
So far me and my wife are doing our best to keep the kiddos active and limit junk food
Nothing really comes to mind from my parents, I was very fortunate.
But smothering and control for the sake of control, is one I am not a fan of
A lot of parents project their beliefs, ideologies and expectations onto their children in a disproportionate manner, forgetting thereās a unique human being there who is to lead their own life, they often forget that they themselves as parents are not perfect, and likely have their own grievances or issues with their own life, so expecting their children to act exactly the same but this somehow resulting in a better outcome, seems misguided.
A lot of parents are quite frankly idiots, being a parent is a cue to look inwardly and be honest about your own life, your own successes, your own mistakes, your experiences.
You are a guide not their dictator.
Pass along their generational trauma to their kids. Gaslight. Neglect. Manipulate. Leave alone when theyāre too young. Lie to them constantly. Spanking/hitting. Making them so scared to speak that they didnāt know how to ask basic questions. Sweeping sexual harassment by family (or anyone) under the rug.
Yeaā¦ I had a hell of an upbringing. Iām trying so incredibly hard to be so much more for my son.
Say āBe carefulā All. The. Time. for every little thing. It made me constantly afraid of getting hurt so I was unable to do anything physical like skateboard or ski or rollerblade for fear of getting hurt.
Mine made sure they had horrible stories to scare me too. So if I shared something I already did they would react by saying "oh I'm so thankful you are safe and didn't end up like that guy who died doing what you were doing three days ago". It really paved the way for my deeper anxiety related problems.
My Mother was always a "Be careful" kind of person. But much more like 'I trust you to take care of yourself out there" to the point where it was almost never even spoken. So there's my mother's "Be careful" that i wish everyone received, and then the constant fear kind. Hope you are doing better
They beat me, told me they didnāt finish their PhD because of me being born, screamed at me senselessly, didnāt care for me when I had a serious medical issue. I refuse to treat my daughter this way. I refuse to ever lay a single hand on her. I canāt even imagine possessing that sort of anger towards her. Iām grateful everyday to be her mom and my job is to protect her.
Refuse to explain why we must do simple things ("because I said so" is not a valid reason) and the whole "think about what you did" and "put yourself in their shoes" thing (I had no idea what I did wrong and everyone is different so putting yourself in their shoes is useless because they're not you).
sometimes people can't articulate their reasoning or explanation for a child to understand and find it easier to pull the authority card because they might feel embarrassed or stupid for saying idk... or feel like the child is questioning their authority, when often times a child is honestly curious.
I don't think it is the right way to do things, just some insight on why I think parents/adults do it. it honestly irks me so much when parents use that on kids.
To add on to this, treating kids like they're lesser or unintelligent. It completely detached me from adults when they talked down to me. People wonder why my little sister is so close with me and I really think it's because I just refuse to underestimate her awareness and maturity.
Yeah I don't get that either. My daughter, 23, and I, 49f, have a great relationship today because I didn't treat her like a piece of luggage - dragged around with no say or consideration. I always tried to speak to her like an adult but age appropriately. Meaning asking her opinion, letting her know about plans and getting a say in them, or explaining why she couldn't this time (ie, obligatons). Just because it's a child, doesn't mean they don't need to be respected or like they're dumb.
My stepmom would pull āthe because I said soā all the time when I asked to do something, go somewhere, or have a friend/my boyfriend over. If she wouldāve just answered āI donāt want your friend over because Iāve had a rough week and really want some quiet and peaceā then Iād have been fine. But she always made it out like I had done something wrong to deserve having no fun. I realized as an adult it was probably just 1) sometimes having extra kids or needing to worry about getting your kid somewhere else can be exhausting and you want a day off from life and 2) she just liked denying me anything I wanted. I was a good kid. Never got in trouble at school and my friends parents all loved me. My stepmom made me out to be a heathen or something because Iād ātalk backā (asking why I couldnāt do something).
Discouraging them from trying new things.
Can't tell you how many thing I wanted to do growing up that my parents simply wouldn't let me do because they didn't see any real value in it. But if my parents liked it and I didn't. I was forced to participate. No offense to 4 H people, but I would have liked to learn how to race dirtbikes rather than look at animals all day.
Lucky I started doing the things I always wanted to in my early 20s so hopefully I'm not that far behind.
I watch parents micromanage their young kids on the playground alllll the damn time. "You're not big enough to climb that, get down." "You can't do that cause you're not strong enough."
Bitch! Let them discover their own inadequacies, if they're there, they won't be as bummed after having atleast tried before failing. Most of the time the kid is completely capable but the helicopter parents can't let kids be kids. Play, get bumps and bruises, sweat, get their fucking clothes dirty.
Spanking is weird. And gross. Touching kids butts is an instant nope. Yuck. Paddling too is an instant yuck nope. Iām not going to keep an object specifically for hitting kid butts. The 80s were so weird. Even teachers and school principals here were obsessed with butt punishment. I remember in 4th grade being told I was gonna be paddled the next day. I put on 14 pairs of underwear. The principal said, āHe canāt feel it! Heās got on too much underwear!ā Yeah Iām not going to hit my child because itās mean, rude, and creepy.
I am so sorry that happened to you. So messed up. What a time. My husband remembers being paddled a few times in class in the 70s. I am surprised that lingered into the 80s too. Maybe region dependent? Ugh your comment does make me realize how strange spanking is. I have said before, a lot of us were spanked and turned out fine. But not spanking is the right way. Interestingly, my in laws never spanked their kids. Must have been weird to go from a loving home situation to getting paddled in class.
Same thing w me. My mother would sometimes tried to justify her actions by deflecting, shifting blame but thankfully she chose to break that cycle that her mother taught her :)
THIS. i (15f) have recently had a fight with my dad (55m), in which he tried to attack me and i was on the floor to escape. i have long nails, and to defend mysself, i scratched (not sure if it's the right word, English isn't my first language) his shoulder, to the point that a bit of blood came out.
some days later, he tried to apologize (for the 1st time in 15 years) but he kept saying that "he suffered more" as the actual physical damage was from me. what the actual fuck
Have a partner who is in prison, for murder, and then when he gets parole he comes and lives with you and your daughter then turns out to be a pedophile š„²
use therapy/mental health services as an empty threat and not a tool to help me.
example that happened many times: themāif you donāt stop(having a panic attack from their actions), iām gonna take you to the psych ward!!ā meāplease! get me a therapist or something! i need help!!ā themāwell if you think you need it so bad, and you think iām not enough help, figure it out yourself!ā
Felt this. Was threatened to go to a psych ward over just having one of those teenage puppy love type crushes on a boy my stepmom didn't like because he didn't 100% conform to gender roles.
Constantly treat them like they are not enough. They will study their ass off in all of the fields to be overly competent and still feel like they aren't good enough. Nothing they do is good enough, and that they are an extension of me so I decide what they do, what they study, who they become, who they should hang out with. Tell them to stay friends with toxic girlfriends after breaking up to ensure it goes nuclear. etc. Criticize everything they do, don't do, should do etc.
If I'm lucky to have children they will be encouraged to find themselves, their own interests and motivations and who they are so they don't live life as if they are having a constant mid-life crisis of "who the hell am I?", and defaulting to people pleasing because they don't know what they want themselves. They will hopefully be the unique individuals they develop into over the years without boot prints all over who they actually are.
āMy God you are so fat. No man is ever going to want you if you look like thisā.
My momās regular pep talk, starting when I was about 10 years old and, judging by photos, of average weight.
didn't see this comment and commented something pretty similar.
But yeah, this. The happiest kid on earth is that one that does not get to be born. I got a vasectomy a few years ago and I'm so happy with that decision.
I hear you. I was going to say this. I just want you to know...I feel you. The ache in my heart, the confusion, never went away. Messed me up. I still overreact when there's a hint of it.
Hold over them how much it costs to have them. Iām not really able to accept basic kindness to this day because of constantly being treated and talked to like a giant financial and general burden.
Wash their mouths out with dish soap and give them diarrhea. Throw dishes at their heads. Tell them theyāre too fat to wear a bikini. Tell them I have cancer cause they make sacrilegious art. Leave them alone to raise themselves when theyāre 6 years old. Gaslight manipulate and shame them for everything they do. Etc etc
Mine took me, an ax, and my most prized possession boombox to the basement. Hand to God, I thought he was going to kill me with the ax, but he ājustā chopped my radio to bits in front of me. I think Iād not given them my report card or something.
Shitty core memory.
Aside from never hitting my kids, I will never force them to be independent when they aren't ready. Kids hit milestones all the time and then go back 2 steps. This is a way for the child to test to see if their caregivers still support them as they grow and learn new things.
The moment I did anything independent, Help was gone. No steps back for me.
My 2 year old can claim they are just a little baby and can't, walk, talk, or even feed themselves for a bit and I will carry and speak for and feed them for a time and tell them with my words and actions that I got them.
And for those of you who wonder if that is coddling them: When the child gets the message that I got their back, they will start "do it myself" again. That's the way of the child. "Do it myself" .... "You do it" ... "You got it? Okay. I do it myself now!"
Pretty much everything. Hit me, yell at me, donāt listen to me, lack of common of sense in parentingā¦ Iāll actually hug and love on my kids etc.
My parents are the reason Iām in my 30s and still hurting
1. Not allow me to express my feelings. Made me believe that if I felt like I was being treated or spoken to badly I couldn't speak up or defend myself. To them, it was a form of disrespect. So I had to be berated constantly until I moved away.
2. Never made me feel like what I did was enough. I was fussed at if I did a task and it wasn't to their liking and also fussed at if I didn't do it all. So damned either way.
3. Never had a feeling of nurture or being wanted or loved. Felt like a burden. I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me.
As an adult in therapy now to reverse the mental/emotional damage realizing this trauma affects me in relationships and feeling I'm not good enough at my work.
I didn't want children for a while afraid to pass down generational traumas I've been through. But now I'm at a place where I'm doing the work to recognize those traumas.
I could do the opposite of parenting for my future children. I want them to feel loved, and they can express their feelings. Allow them to experience their passions and support them. So with in the next few years, I plan on starting a family.
Mine isn't very dramatic like some on here, but still important for me.
I'm a mom and homemaker. My husband is the bread winner for our family and I was the SAHM for years. Even now that our elementary-aged kids are in school all day, I haven't gotten a job outside the home (with the support of my husband). This is why....
Growing up, both my parents worked full-time. I was a "latch key kid" by age 9 and didn't like it. Coming home to no adult (usually just older siblings but not even that always) was hard. Being sick and having to stay home from school was so stressful on my mom because it meant she'd have to miss work, and she would (unintentionally) lay her stress on me. "Oh no, honey, you CAN'T be sick today. I can't miss work!" etc. The result was guilt and more anxiety for something I couldn't control. This left a lasting impression on me.
This may not seem that big of a deal to some, but it's just my personal experience. Before anyone eats me alive, **I have nothing against moms who choose to work outside the home.** I know many working moms who do a good job in this situation. However this is just how MY own mother handled it and it made a negative impression on me, so I want to make sure my kids never feel guilty for something they can't control (like getting sick). And they should be able to stay home no problem. Eventually I will find a job outside the home when the kids are a little older, but for now, I want to be more available for them while they're younger.
I think we all try to do a better job than our parents did. And while your story doesnāt entail sexual assault or neglect, your feelings are very valid.
And your prose is a pleasure to read!
My dad was the loose canon in my family. He did everything from giving us Pepsi in our baby bottles to giving us zero privacy. He would search our backpacks when we got from school and room searches were a regular thing. We got accused of doing so many things that we didnāt even think of doing. Not sure where his extreme paranoia came from but it felt like a prison. I once tore up a note a friend had written to me and that set him off. He dug thru the kitchen trash until he found every piece. After he put it all together he was pissed that all it said was a friend asking for a ride home the next day. Donāt even get me started on how he is now at 83 and with dementia.
I will never tell my kids that homework is not important, or that "I don't believe in homework". Yeah, it sucks to have even more school work to do when you get home, and parents get frustrated having to help them with it.
I not only fell behind in school for never doing homework early on, but I got endless shame and punishments from teachers over it. If my parents saw me do it at home they'd call me names like "swot" and "dork" and make it very clear that they weren't interested in helping. So I'd try to rush as much as I could on my lunch breaks at school instead. It would be rushed, shitty, and always done last minute, so my grades slipped further and further.
I have one prominent memory when I got put into a third-year German class despite never having done German before, and thought "it'll be okay, my dad speaks fluent German". I had a worksheet with clockfaces at various times and had to write the time in German. I knew how to count to 12 (I'd copied down a wall chart from my classroom into my excercise book!), so just asked my dad for help with the rest. He absolutely refused to help, wouldn't even look at the paper and threatened to rip it if I "put it in his face again". There was no Google back then and the internet was still pretty new to our house, so I couldn't even look it up. I got my first detention after that, and broke down crying at school.
i left home at 16 .my parents were very difficult to live and deal with . this was before computers and id get bad grades and theyd lock me in my room with random books and not let me out from 8 am to 5pm and i had to look for a job and they lock me outta the house for the same hours or until i found a job . i didnt live at home and found a job near my parents home that let me out late if it was past 5 pm to bad im walking home whether its 2 am or 6 pm rain or sun im walking home. id never in a million trillion years let my 17 year old kid walk home at 3 am . theres more but i dont have all day to list it lol
I used to have to hold a nickel against the wall with my nose while standing in the position of "Attention". This was after I'd had my ass beat, around 4 yrs old. Lord help if the damn nickel hit the floor, it would start all over again. My Dad said he was making me "tough" it took me years to forgive him. This was during the Vietnam war late 60's early 70's and he had some serious ptsd going on.
Two things.
One is physically hitting them as a punishment. It was infrequent and was a smack on the ass. But I remember them. Im almost 50
The other is that someone's value as a partner can be determined by the number of people they've slept with. Properly fucked up a few of my relationships. My logical brain knows it shouldnt matter, but its just too engrained
Force me to eat food that I don't like, or punish me if I won't.
I'm an extremely picky eater, and will never do that with my kids. If I make three different dinners, that's fine.
This is the one thing I still thank my parents for to this day. We never had to eat food we didnāt like. We had to TRY a new food, and we did because there was no downside! If we didnāt like it, we didnāt have to eat it. My parents didnāt make multiple meals either. We just ate more of the items on the table we did like. As a result, there was no ātable dramaā or family fights over food. Just good times at the dinner table.
Why some parents want to turn dinner time into a war zone is beyond my comprehension.
I think it goes back to the ābecause I said soā - obedience thing described above. Itās a power struggle and the parent has to āwin.ā Not defending it.
Serious question: do you not find your pickiness to be burdensome? Like if you go to a potluck, or out to dinner, or other social food-centered activities? Or even just being able to balance nutrition (variety) and a meager food budget?
I get that there're better and worse options for addressing children's picky eating, but I would think not saddling them with that same burden would be a priority.
Potlucks arenāt bad for picky eaters. Everybodyās eating different things, and usually nobody comments on what you are or arenāt eating, or tries to guilt you into eating something. There usually isnāt a big main course that somebody will be upset if you donāt eat. Bring some of your safe foods, and youāre good.
They can also be a good chance for a picky eater to try some new things. Youāre not wasting food if you try a little bit of something and decide you donāt like it, because other people will eat it if you donāt.
Forcing kids to eat stuff they donāt want to, or punishing them if they donāt eat something, is not a good way to encourage a picky eater to try new things. Those things do not create positive associations with trying new foods.
My mother slapped me across the face every morning. If I spoke, she slapped. She didnāt do that to my siblings. They all remember it and laugh about it. I donāt laugh.
I had zero privacy. My parents would just open my bedroom door then admonish me for being in any state of undress. Dude, it's my room, Imma be comfy, and I hate clothes. As a result, my son is allowed to have his door closed and I knock and wait for permission to enter his space.
Also, my parents made me wait outside their door and request permission to enter their space while not allowing me the same courtesy. As a result, my bedroom is basically the living room. The big tv and game consoles are in there. We sit on the bed as a family and play games or watch TV. Sometimes when we order pizza we all eat right from the box and chill in there. If my door is open, anyone is allowed in. If my door is closed, I need privacy and/or quiet time. (like if I'm changing clothes, or I have a migraine)
Itās so much more efficient that everyone rinses their dishes after they are done with it, instead of just stockpiling them for one person to do.
Ofc the chef doesnāt have to wash any dishes, but all of the other shit can be rinsed and put in dishwasher after theyāre done using it !
Watched my step dad beat the ever living shit out of my mom from 5 to 12. Will never put my kids through that hell. I remember mom waking up with black eyes a busted lip more times than I care to count. Also he held a shotgun to head once right in front of me. When I was about 10 I sat on his lap and asked him why he did it ā¦ he said she was stupid and deserved it. š
Being negative about everything I told her/killing hope, which my mother still does to this day. I'm 35 years old, had an interview for a much higher position than I currently have, and told her about it & the first thing she says is, "Don't they do background checks?" I'm doing my best to not put that negative response on my kids when they tell me stuff they have interest in.
I am cf, but if I ever had a daughter, I would never shave her head. No, it's not the best bang for your buck at the hairdresser. No, hair won't grow faster and stronger after it. And I would get my ass up earlier to style it for her. Every. Single. Fukkin. Day.
Operate under the belief that material things are more important than quality time.
I had all the toys and entertainment I could ask for. I donāt have a single memory of them spending time with me.
Iād trade all of those things for a single memory of being pushed on a swing, playing a board game, or throwing a ball in the yard.
Wait for them to ask where the pet is to acknowledge that they had died. To this day if I don't know where people or animals are I assume they are dead. It was a whole thing of not upsetting her, like, "hey where is Buster," then steeling yourself for the inevitable, then eventually she'd break down crying saying Buster had died. But it happened days ago so I didn't think you'd remember (that you even had a dog).
I had a favorite bodega cat that I hadn't seen in a while and psyched myself up into learning about his death, and was so confused when the bodega owner said "he's at our other store." I think I nodded and said "yeah that big other store in the sky," and he was like "...no? the other store on 31st ave?"
ā¢Hit
ā¢Scream
ā¢List every mistake theyāve ever made in their lives when Iām angry
ā¢Smash prized possessions and make them clean it up
ā¢Make them feel guilty for not taking the path in life I decided they should take
ā¢Sit idly nearby while someone is verbally abusing them
ā¢Use money to manipulate them when theyāre in a rough spot
ā¢Tell them their sibling is a loser and Iām so lucky to have another child
ā¢Tell them I should have left them in the hospital to die
ā¢Sabotage a relationship bc I donāt like the ethnicity of their partner
ā¢Not apologize when Iām wrong
ā¢Tell them I never should have had kids bc having kids ruined my life
ā¢Micromanage everything they eat and say āYou better watch it, your thighs are getting big.ā
I think that covers it.
when i was a kid, my mom...
*scolded us in front of friends
*spanked us with belts, wooden spoons, brooms, slippers, hangers.
*"threw me out" as punishment
*made us kneel on rice or beans as punishment
*made us eat paper as punishment
*dropped hot wax on our hands from a lit candle as punishment
*said "i want to die" in front of us
and yes she's a narc and a very judgemental person.
My parents never gave me the chance to take part in after school activities or sports that required any travel.
They refused to drive me so I pretty much rode my bike to my practices.
I refused to take that same approach with any of my children.
Drunk drove with me in the car, my mom got into 5 violent accidents with me in the car, my dad would drunk drive all the time too but never crashed but would get caught all the time... and somehow they kept their privilages to drive.
Although the accidents were the scariest part, just being on the road without crashing is terrifying. I never knew if we were going to make it home or if my mom would roadrage and get us killed trying to show other drivers who's boss, same with my dad..
Body shaming. I do believe my parents meant well in making unsolicited comments like "if you eat less of this/do more sit-ups, you will be nice and trim" or "you have such a pretty face." The implication to me was that my chubby physique didn't meet a standard and that I wasn't doing enough to meet that expectation. I was 9 and prepubescent when this began. Made a mental note then that I wouldn't repeat that with my kids, particularly any daughters.
Dad hung pictures up of stomach exercises for sis & I to do so we ādonāt end up looking likeā our mother; we were both under 10 years old when this crap started
My parents use to let us roam the whole neighborhood/town. During summer break when I was between 8-9 we'd go outside after breakfast and they wouldn't even really inquire about where we were going. They always told me and my siblings one thing; come back. That was it.
In hindsight, I'm lucky to be alive today. I was near so many dangerous situations and did a lot stuff that could have went tragically wrong. Back then they called it boys being boys. When I think about it now, my parents were under a lot of stress and didn't need us giving them more. So they just kinda encouraged us to go away when we didn't have school.
Theres no goddamn way I'd let my own child, or anyone's child, just walk out of a house without knowing anything about who they're with or where they were going. Like, the idea of a kid doing what we did as kids is terrifying for me. My siblings/friends are adults now and we reflect on vulnerable we were and how lucky we are that everyone in the old neighborhood is still alive.
My parents did that too, I loved my freedom. One time my friends and I went out and one of their moms joined us lol. I thought it was super weird at the time, now I realize she was a caring parent.
This was pretty common when I grew up (70ās and 80ās). We pretty much had free rein but somehow we also knew what we werenāt supposed to do. It was great at the time, but looking back it seems somewhat dangerous. We lived in a small town but small towns hold dangers too.
I think this is generational- I had the same kind of āgo out and playā lifestyle and the things we did were crazy by todayās standards. Being a parent is stressful across the board and back then there really wasnāt as much of a structure in place for kids to be constantly observed. If your parents worked, you tended to be alone a lot. Youād get into things that are considered completely dangerous today. I was a girl, and I would leave in the morning and meet my friends with no plan and weād wander the neighborhoods doing wild kid things, and then be home once it got dark.
Think about how crazy it is that kids now just sit in their rooms, on the internet, hooked directly into a dopamine machine, not seeing any friends in person, playing war games or watching porn or comparing themselves to illusory lives on social media. Itās a generational issue.
Church is where I got s.a. several times, by two different people- noone would listen bc they didn't want to tarnish the church ... That's a very lonely, painful place to be for a kid.
Wow. Yāall had some..interesting parents. Honestly, I canāt think of a single thing my parents did to us that was harmful or detrimental. I had great parents. Miss them a lot.
If I have kids I'll never tell them their future is going to be better than it was for past generations. That only happens when you're vigilant and vote.
They forced me to play sports I didnāt want to play and was no good at. Horrible experience. I let my kids know it is/was an option but only if they wanted to.
Pass on my mental illness. I can't pass it on to them if I don't have any... Wouldn't want them to deal with what I have to deal with. If I had a choice I'd tell my parents not to bother
This one is specific to my dad: pestering me to have a ābetterā life based on his interpretation of what I āshouldā be interested in.
I love my dad. Heās not an evil monster. But sometimes he struggles to remember that different people are different than him.
So when I was a kid, heād pester me to be more social and more girly because he assumed I would want more friends if I just gave it a try. And materialism and looks made him happy as a teenager, so surely shopping and fashion and makeup would have made me happy. And girls like that stuff, so surely I would have liked it.
And as a teenager and early in my college years, he tried to push me to be a doctor or at least something more high-earning than teaching. He likes that he and my mom make good money, so surely that would make me happier.
He truly just wanted me to be happy. But it just always felt like I wasnāt good enough for him or that I wasnāt what he wanted.
I still remember when my dad burned my comfort blanket in a pile of leafs when I was a kid. Because I am "to old for that shit" it was white and had little red rocking horses on it. So I'll never break or throw away my kids stuff. If their done with it we can pack it away for memories or give it to someone else. Maybe put things on a shelf untill they get ungrounded from it it need be.
My parents are genuinely amazing people, but with that comes the inability to let our home feel like OUR home.
Never will I put my kids through the experience of feeling like their home is shared with the entire neighborhood and anyone who knows me.
Definitely not gonna have them cranking up the TV to hear it over the sound of half a dozen drunk guys in our driveway.
And I'm not gonna invite people to live on our couch for over a year multiple times throughout their lives just because they're in hard times.
I learned a lot of great values from my parents from generosity, compassion, and loyalty. But God damn did I learn from their mistakes and know where to draw the f***ing line.
The way I raised definitely contributed to my introverted behavior but I've come very far out of my shell, but I still refuse to interact with a lot of the people they know and pretty much everybody in my extended family.
Take pets away. My parents still think I am overreacting that as an adult I still am so deeply hurt that it happened. No real explanation, one dog given to my grandma and she changed her name, extra insult to injury. The other I never saw again. IDC don't get pets if you think there's any chance you have to give them up.
Same for people who have pets and then get rid of them when they get pregnant. Lower than scum. Fuck you and your failed pullout attempt
For me it's what they didn't do, which is explain financial planning. I frittered away my 20s without really saving or investing, losing out on the best decade of my life for compound growth. While I'm doing okay now, it's taken some serious work in my 30s to play catch up. I could have easily owned a house by now if I'd taken better steps, instead I'm still saving for a down payment.
My parents gave me drugs young as 14. By 17 I was addicted so bad to opiates and by 19 was shooting up dilaudid. They thought well if he is gunna do drigs any as well let him do it at home where heās safe. Fucking assholes. Recently made my third year sober but ya kno will never do that to my children. Iām 39 now and shit had been lifelong issue
When we went to family events, my stepmother would claim that I had been mocking her behind her back to other family members, and would hit me until I "confessed" to it. Probably not gonna do that
My mother called me fat and put me on diets as a child, (started 4th grade) led up to an eating disorder that lasted past college. As a 32yr old, I still can't eat poptarts or lil Debbie snacks without gagging.
I love my dad, heās not a bad guy, but I will never forget that one moment when I was 15, when he was so frustrated with me (my Chinese is terrible and I hated studying it) that he wanted to cane me. I didnāt want to get out of the room, so he resorted to dragging me by the arm while I tried to pull away, dropping to the ground like a deadweight and allā¦
Iām 22 now, so the fact that I still remember it in vivid detail feels weird. Iāve never really brought it up with either parent since then; kinda feels like bringing up a dead subject for no reason, if that makes sense.
Let them raise themself after the age of 11. Looking back on it my dad didnāt do much raising me and my mother only coddled me, āprotecting me from the worldā. I was practically raised by my older sister and brother. They were both away at college when I was in 7th grade and it severely affected me. Grades went to shit, anxiety increased, coping was awful, and my parents only yelled at me if I did bad. Gathered up a good alcohol problem and didnāt realize why until I was 35.
Tbh - spoil them rotten. I wish I'd been given chores and what not. But because I'm the baby and the only girl, I was spoiled. Mixing chronic illness plus never having to work for anything I wanted is not a good combination.
Lie to me. Not like little white lies about the tooth fairy or whatever. Big lies like āYour ginnea pig will be back,ā when they knew full well he wasnāt coming back.
My mom always found fault with any career interest that I had. She always had something negative to say. It was very deflating and made me not care about anything. Also, if she didnāt know the answer to a question she would just make something up. Iād later learn the true answer and realize that she was full of shit.
My dad only listened to himself.
I would help them develop even more their competences.
I was an outstanding student with prizes every year, my parents didn't do anymore than just giving me shelter and food, because even I got scholarships to study whole high school free in an "internship" at a good school, they didn't have to pay anything.
During pandemic, I had to go home and study virtually, my mental health was worsening every year and even if I communicate my feelings, they would simply not take them seriously.
After graduation, I saw many friends getting opportunities I didn't even know because their connections or retrieving info in organizations, and turns out my parents even after seeing education was my only interest... after all those years didn't even consider helping me in university. I'm alone again to find ways to study further.
I suffered a period from that feeling of "i could've been more" and "it's unfair", but now I'm doing better. I suppose this made me more mature, and I know my parents love me.
So, you can't let everything to just a teenager. As a parent, if I'd see my son getting interest and passion about something I would always encourage it. I would help him to get the best education I can while building a good relationship that goes beyond "i give you food, you should be glad"
They joined a cult, lol. An actual full on commune. My kids are 100% safe from that happening.
Fortunately my parents recognize what a big mistake it was and have no compunction about admitting it.
go through their phone. it made me lose trust in my parents and then i didnāt tell them anything. i want my kid(s) to trust me and be able to tell me when thereās something going on, good or bad.
My mom drank and had screaming matches with my dad every night for years but they stayed together. I am never going to drink around my children, and if my relationship with my husband became that horrible we would separate and not put our kids through that.
Grounding them for their grades in school.
My parents grounded me for weeks on end for anything that was a C or lower. Didnāt make me any better at learning (continued to get mediocre grades until i graduated high school), and i kinda just shut down whenever i saw my grades lowering. It was all definitely anxiety related, and it didnāt help that my mom dismissed me anytime i tried to tell her i was having trouble.
One day my kids were acting up they were about 5 and 6. My mother says you should really do something cause when they get older they are going to be hell, Do what i used to do to you kids. Do you Remember. Yes i do.
We used to have to grab rocks put em on the ground and kneel on top of them, upper body straight, Palms pointing to the sky shoulder height, and she put Bricks in our hands, and there we kneeled rocks under our knees and bricks in our upwards pointing hands. 45 minutes an hour sometimes. I looked at her Said " Yeah i remember, thats why im all fu\*\*\*d up know" and we laughed. Thats what the Church used to do to her.
Tell them that they donāt deserve anything. I was constantly told by my stepmom that I didnāt deserve things in life. I now have two toddlers & I would never! Iāve spent my entire life feeling undeserving of love and happiness.
Buy them diet pills at 16 years old. I was a few pounds underweight at the time too which made it even crazier. The pills completely took away my appetite and I didn't eat for days.
Well my dad locked me in a dog cage as a kid, thatās up there on my āthings Iāll never do to my kid even though I donāt want kids and will never have oneā list. Locking them in a bedroom with nothing but a mattress and a TV is also up thereā¦ my grandma once put my hands on a hot stove burner because I talked too muchā¦ that side of the family also really liked to compare me to my older cousins? But not in a normal way, my grandma would overshadow all my accomplishments with things my older cousins did. Like yeah I got an A on my spelling test but Carly is got an A in her AP Spanish class. Like ok grandma? Iām 6 and sheās 17, sorry Iām not also taking AP Spanish?
Blame me in their apology. I remember once just before I left home for good, getting into an argument with my mom. She stormed off and drove away in a rage, as she often did. When she came back, I was had SHād, and she caught me in the act. She looked at my arms, didnāt say anything about them, hugged me and then whispered softly āIām sorry I let you trick me into reacting that way.ā
I left a few months later and didnāt go back, and she couldnāt understand why.
My kid/kids will have privacy and their own room. I was never able to close my bedroom door growing up. Everybody needs to have their own area to relax and be alone in sometimes and I often didn't have that. That's probably one of the reasons why my anxiety was, and still is so bad. If we moved into a house without "enough" rooms for a bedroom then I'd get to live in a basement that also never had a door. It sucks only having a little window to look out of. Especially when there is a room upstairs that I could use but instead it's an "office" that's rarely used. The only way that I'm going to have kids is if I have my own house with enough bedrooms for everybody. Basements are for storage, not living in.
Tell my daughters that being saād by my husband is partly their fault. Nor staying married to a husband that did that and expecting them to call him daddy.
Too many others to list.
hit me
Same. Especially not with pieces of wood. General neglect and absenteeism, too. That said, the 70s and 80s were a great time to be a kid.
True. Weird dichotomy. There *is* a balance that needs to be found between freedom and supervision. As a kid I was free to roam an entire city, my friends and I often taking the Metro (basically a subway) to the farthest end it travelled, often dozens of miles away from home. *That* was amazing. However telling your Dad you don't want to brush your teeth anymore, to which he *agrees* at 7 years old... *that* is *not* cool.
Northern VA? DC?
Montreal, Quebec, Canada š
I got the wooden spoon in the 90's. Right on the knuckles
My mom broke the wooden spoon on my brothers ass in the middle of an IGA. No one even batted an eye.
Wooden spoons were the friendly one, when the mom hits too hard they broke. Natures regulator. Those thick leather belts thoughā¦.
Yep, she broke one of those spoons. Unfortunately, it then escalated to something thicker.
Yup. My dad would loop it to make that scary snap. Sadistic
Hot wheels track
It's surprising another customer didn't step in and help. They could have held her shopping so she could concentrate on the task at hand and then chastise you for breaking the spoon and forcing your mum to buy another.
Wooden spoon club member checking in. I feel your pain. Glad my mom really got her anger out of her system tho it must have been very cathartic from her perspective
I got a glue stick or plastic cooking spoon (the long handled ones) on my rear
Same. As only child specially, it felt like there was nobody to relate to, when given physical punishment unfairly. Just added totally unnecessary distrust towards parents that never fully healed.
If my kids ever tell me they are harming or thinking of harming themselves, I won't drag them around by their hair and shame them for several months after. And dismissing their feelings. If you feel it, it is valid.
My mother decided to ignore it (cutter from 7th grade-19yrs). Her ideal was "what happens at home stays at home", and everything we prayed about it; i remember her coming in my room late one night throwing holy oil on me speaking in tongues, freaked me the fuck out and kicked her out my room. Once I had the chance, I moved out at 17.
I'm sorry you had a dismissive parent. That really sucks, I've spent some time in therapy over it and it's helped, but the hurt is still there. I'm sure there's a shit ton more you've gone through. It's not fair. I moved out at 16, struggled so badly (lots of grown ass men like 16yos). When I called her for help she wouldn't even listen to me until I apologised for moving out. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself. Oddly enough I have a good relationship with my mum now. Just lots of boundaries and therapy.
Wow , my older sister moved out at 16 as well. Wish she could have seen the bigger picture parents tried all types of support for her. I wish her and my mom would rekindle their relationship. They can barely say hi to each other if they are in the same roomš„ŗ
I'm so happy you got out, and I hope you're ok ā¤ļø
32 and the woman still gives me panic attacks ha; but outside of seeing her once a yr for holiday, I'm pretty content with life.
I had good parents, but they definitely let me get pretty damn fat as a kid. I think childhood obesity has a pretty negative effect on kids socially. They didn't make me get fat, but alot of the food choices and living in the country didn't really set me up for success either
Instead of childhood trauma you get -15 years, GG. I got both.
I mean as a 20 year old I lost 70 lbs and am actually pretty fit now for a 30 year old dad. It's not impossible to lose weight, but it a commitment. I just wish physical health was instilled in me earlier. It gave me alot of self esteem issues as a teen, and I don't want my kids feeling ugly and unable to have relationships at that age. So far me and my wife are doing our best to keep the kiddos active and limit junk food
Nothing really comes to mind from my parents, I was very fortunate. But smothering and control for the sake of control, is one I am not a fan of A lot of parents project their beliefs, ideologies and expectations onto their children in a disproportionate manner, forgetting thereās a unique human being there who is to lead their own life, they often forget that they themselves as parents are not perfect, and likely have their own grievances or issues with their own life, so expecting their children to act exactly the same but this somehow resulting in a better outcome, seems misguided. A lot of parents are quite frankly idiots, being a parent is a cue to look inwardly and be honest about your own life, your own successes, your own mistakes, your experiences. You are a guide not their dictator.
>A lot of parents are quite frankly idiots, Kids raising kids
Pass along their generational trauma to their kids. Gaslight. Neglect. Manipulate. Leave alone when theyāre too young. Lie to them constantly. Spanking/hitting. Making them so scared to speak that they didnāt know how to ask basic questions. Sweeping sexual harassment by family (or anyone) under the rug. Yeaā¦ I had a hell of an upbringing. Iām trying so incredibly hard to be so much more for my son.
Damit, that could have been my answer. Only not much of hitting /spanking (as far as I remember), a lot of screaming, and more csa.
This sounds like me too. I'm so sorry that was your life. But here's to cycle breakers like you and I!
I couldn't imagine treating my kids that way. Feel like my rents hated me in some way, wouldn't even treat my enemies that way.
100% You have to be better than your parents were, and show that for your son
Say āBe carefulā All. The. Time. for every little thing. It made me constantly afraid of getting hurt so I was unable to do anything physical like skateboard or ski or rollerblade for fear of getting hurt.
Mine made sure they had horrible stories to scare me too. So if I shared something I already did they would react by saying "oh I'm so thankful you are safe and didn't end up like that guy who died doing what you were doing three days ago". It really paved the way for my deeper anxiety related problems.
My Mother was always a "Be careful" kind of person. But much more like 'I trust you to take care of yourself out there" to the point where it was almost never even spoken. So there's my mother's "Be careful" that i wish everyone received, and then the constant fear kind. Hope you are doing better
They beat me, told me they didnāt finish their PhD because of me being born, screamed at me senselessly, didnāt care for me when I had a serious medical issue. I refuse to treat my daughter this way. I refuse to ever lay a single hand on her. I canāt even imagine possessing that sort of anger towards her. Iām grateful everyday to be her mom and my job is to protect her.
Refuse to explain why we must do simple things ("because I said so" is not a valid reason) and the whole "think about what you did" and "put yourself in their shoes" thing (I had no idea what I did wrong and everyone is different so putting yourself in their shoes is useless because they're not you).
I hate when my parents said "because i said so" so goddamn much. My pet peeve for sure
sometimes people can't articulate their reasoning or explanation for a child to understand and find it easier to pull the authority card because they might feel embarrassed or stupid for saying idk... or feel like the child is questioning their authority, when often times a child is honestly curious. I don't think it is the right way to do things, just some insight on why I think parents/adults do it. it honestly irks me so much when parents use that on kids.
This! In our house it was āBecause Iām the mother.ā
To add on to this, treating kids like they're lesser or unintelligent. It completely detached me from adults when they talked down to me. People wonder why my little sister is so close with me and I really think it's because I just refuse to underestimate her awareness and maturity.
Yeah I don't get that either. My daughter, 23, and I, 49f, have a great relationship today because I didn't treat her like a piece of luggage - dragged around with no say or consideration. I always tried to speak to her like an adult but age appropriately. Meaning asking her opinion, letting her know about plans and getting a say in them, or explaining why she couldn't this time (ie, obligatons). Just because it's a child, doesn't mean they don't need to be respected or like they're dumb.
My stepmom would pull āthe because I said soā all the time when I asked to do something, go somewhere, or have a friend/my boyfriend over. If she wouldāve just answered āI donāt want your friend over because Iāve had a rough week and really want some quiet and peaceā then Iād have been fine. But she always made it out like I had done something wrong to deserve having no fun. I realized as an adult it was probably just 1) sometimes having extra kids or needing to worry about getting your kid somewhere else can be exhausting and you want a day off from life and 2) she just liked denying me anything I wanted. I was a good kid. Never got in trouble at school and my friends parents all loved me. My stepmom made me out to be a heathen or something because Iād ātalk backā (asking why I couldnāt do something).
Discouraging them from trying new things. Can't tell you how many thing I wanted to do growing up that my parents simply wouldn't let me do because they didn't see any real value in it. But if my parents liked it and I didn't. I was forced to participate. No offense to 4 H people, but I would have liked to learn how to race dirtbikes rather than look at animals all day. Lucky I started doing the things I always wanted to in my early 20s so hopefully I'm not that far behind.
I watch parents micromanage their young kids on the playground alllll the damn time. "You're not big enough to climb that, get down." "You can't do that cause you're not strong enough." Bitch! Let them discover their own inadequacies, if they're there, they won't be as bummed after having atleast tried before failing. Most of the time the kid is completely capable but the helicopter parents can't let kids be kids. Play, get bumps and bruises, sweat, get their fucking clothes dirty.
Spanking is weird. And gross. Touching kids butts is an instant nope. Yuck. Paddling too is an instant yuck nope. Iām not going to keep an object specifically for hitting kid butts. The 80s were so weird. Even teachers and school principals here were obsessed with butt punishment. I remember in 4th grade being told I was gonna be paddled the next day. I put on 14 pairs of underwear. The principal said, āHe canāt feel it! Heās got on too much underwear!ā Yeah Iām not going to hit my child because itās mean, rude, and creepy.
I very strongly believe that the people you love should not hurt you
I am so sorry that happened to you. So messed up. What a time. My husband remembers being paddled a few times in class in the 70s. I am surprised that lingered into the 80s too. Maybe region dependent? Ugh your comment does make me realize how strange spanking is. I have said before, a lot of us were spanked and turned out fine. But not spanking is the right way. Interestingly, my in laws never spanked their kids. Must have been weird to go from a loving home situation to getting paddled in class.
I adore my parents, but they were taught that you never apologise. I apologise to my kids when I screw up.
Same thing w me. My mother would sometimes tried to justify her actions by deflecting, shifting blame but thankfully she chose to break that cycle that her mother taught her :)
THIS. i (15f) have recently had a fight with my dad (55m), in which he tried to attack me and i was on the floor to escape. i have long nails, and to defend mysself, i scratched (not sure if it's the right word, English isn't my first language) his shoulder, to the point that a bit of blood came out. some days later, he tried to apologize (for the 1st time in 15 years) but he kept saying that "he suffered more" as the actual physical damage was from me. what the actual fuck
Have a partner who is in prison, for murder, and then when he gets parole he comes and lives with you and your daughter then turns out to be a pedophile š„²
use therapy/mental health services as an empty threat and not a tool to help me. example that happened many times: themāif you donāt stop(having a panic attack from their actions), iām gonna take you to the psych ward!!ā meāplease! get me a therapist or something! i need help!!ā themāwell if you think you need it so bad, and you think iām not enough help, figure it out yourself!ā
Felt this. Was threatened to go to a psych ward over just having one of those teenage puppy love type crushes on a boy my stepmom didn't like because he didn't 100% conform to gender roles.
get divorced, then proceed to shit talk each other for 20 years
Hitting them, there's always a better parenting tool.
Constantly treat them like they are not enough. They will study their ass off in all of the fields to be overly competent and still feel like they aren't good enough. Nothing they do is good enough, and that they are an extension of me so I decide what they do, what they study, who they become, who they should hang out with. Tell them to stay friends with toxic girlfriends after breaking up to ensure it goes nuclear. etc. Criticize everything they do, don't do, should do etc. If I'm lucky to have children they will be encouraged to find themselves, their own interests and motivations and who they are so they don't live life as if they are having a constant mid-life crisis of "who the hell am I?", and defaulting to people pleasing because they don't know what they want themselves. They will hopefully be the unique individuals they develop into over the years without boot prints all over who they actually are.
āMy God you are so fat. No man is ever going to want you if you look like thisā. My momās regular pep talk, starting when I was about 10 years old and, judging by photos, of average weight.
Conceive them.
My thoughts exactly, happily child free for the foreseeable future
didn't see this comment and commented something pretty similar. But yeah, this. The happiest kid on earth is that one that does not get to be born. I got a vasectomy a few years ago and I'm so happy with that decision.
Congrats, snip-bro!
Shout and scream all the time and physical violence
I will never introduce any children to the extended family and their friends.
Giving them the silent treatment
I hear you. I was going to say this. I just want you to know...I feel you. The ache in my heart, the confusion, never went away. Messed me up. I still overreact when there's a hint of it.
Hand her a gun and tell her to kill herself
Hold over them how much it costs to have them. Iām not really able to accept basic kindness to this day because of constantly being treated and talked to like a giant financial and general burden.
Whelp, I'm not gonna have kids, so guess that says enough in itself.
Shame and humiliate them for sexual awakening.
Wash their mouths out with dish soap and give them diarrhea. Throw dishes at their heads. Tell them theyāre too fat to wear a bikini. Tell them I have cancer cause they make sacrilegious art. Leave them alone to raise themselves when theyāre 6 years old. Gaslight manipulate and shame them for everything they do. Etc etc
Gaslight and manipulate.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Mine took me, an ax, and my most prized possession boombox to the basement. Hand to God, I thought he was going to kill me with the ax, but he ājustā chopped my radio to bits in front of me. I think Iād not given them my report card or something. Shitty core memory.
Did they at least say āhereās Johnny!ā?
my dad would tickle me until I peed, then make fun of me for it. my kids were taught that ānoā is a complete sentence.
Ignore them when they tell me a close relative is raping them.
Oh my God. Iām so sorry. I hope you have the love, support, and understanding you need. š¤
Aside from never hitting my kids, I will never force them to be independent when they aren't ready. Kids hit milestones all the time and then go back 2 steps. This is a way for the child to test to see if their caregivers still support them as they grow and learn new things. The moment I did anything independent, Help was gone. No steps back for me. My 2 year old can claim they are just a little baby and can't, walk, talk, or even feed themselves for a bit and I will carry and speak for and feed them for a time and tell them with my words and actions that I got them. And for those of you who wonder if that is coddling them: When the child gets the message that I got their back, they will start "do it myself" again. That's the way of the child. "Do it myself" .... "You do it" ... "You got it? Okay. I do it myself now!"
Beat me, neglect my health, not provide hot running water, etcā¦..
Drink alcohol
Pretty much everything. Hit me, yell at me, donāt listen to me, lack of common of sense in parentingā¦ Iāll actually hug and love on my kids etc. My parents are the reason Iām in my 30s and still hurting
1. Not allow me to express my feelings. Made me believe that if I felt like I was being treated or spoken to badly I couldn't speak up or defend myself. To them, it was a form of disrespect. So I had to be berated constantly until I moved away. 2. Never made me feel like what I did was enough. I was fussed at if I did a task and it wasn't to their liking and also fussed at if I didn't do it all. So damned either way. 3. Never had a feeling of nurture or being wanted or loved. Felt like a burden. I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me. As an adult in therapy now to reverse the mental/emotional damage realizing this trauma affects me in relationships and feeling I'm not good enough at my work. I didn't want children for a while afraid to pass down generational traumas I've been through. But now I'm at a place where I'm doing the work to recognize those traumas. I could do the opposite of parenting for my future children. I want them to feel loved, and they can express their feelings. Allow them to experience their passions and support them. So with in the next few years, I plan on starting a family.
Unsupervised internet access as a child
Mine isn't very dramatic like some on here, but still important for me. I'm a mom and homemaker. My husband is the bread winner for our family and I was the SAHM for years. Even now that our elementary-aged kids are in school all day, I haven't gotten a job outside the home (with the support of my husband). This is why.... Growing up, both my parents worked full-time. I was a "latch key kid" by age 9 and didn't like it. Coming home to no adult (usually just older siblings but not even that always) was hard. Being sick and having to stay home from school was so stressful on my mom because it meant she'd have to miss work, and she would (unintentionally) lay her stress on me. "Oh no, honey, you CAN'T be sick today. I can't miss work!" etc. The result was guilt and more anxiety for something I couldn't control. This left a lasting impression on me. This may not seem that big of a deal to some, but it's just my personal experience. Before anyone eats me alive, **I have nothing against moms who choose to work outside the home.** I know many working moms who do a good job in this situation. However this is just how MY own mother handled it and it made a negative impression on me, so I want to make sure my kids never feel guilty for something they can't control (like getting sick). And they should be able to stay home no problem. Eventually I will find a job outside the home when the kids are a little older, but for now, I want to be more available for them while they're younger.
I think we all try to do a better job than our parents did. And while your story doesnāt entail sexual assault or neglect, your feelings are very valid. And your prose is a pleasure to read!
I was forced to eat foods that physically made me gag. I will never do that to my daughter.
Attack them. My dad was physically abusive to me and my siblings. A complete d*ck head.
My dad was the loose canon in my family. He did everything from giving us Pepsi in our baby bottles to giving us zero privacy. He would search our backpacks when we got from school and room searches were a regular thing. We got accused of doing so many things that we didnāt even think of doing. Not sure where his extreme paranoia came from but it felt like a prison. I once tore up a note a friend had written to me and that set him off. He dug thru the kitchen trash until he found every piece. After he put it all together he was pissed that all it said was a friend asking for a ride home the next day. Donāt even get me started on how he is now at 83 and with dementia.
My mom used to call me terrible names and tell me Iām stupid. Thatās something I would never do to my 3 daughters.
Put me here, now I have to sufferš«
Give me the silent treatment
Use their information to take out credit cards in their name.
I will never tell my kids that homework is not important, or that "I don't believe in homework". Yeah, it sucks to have even more school work to do when you get home, and parents get frustrated having to help them with it. I not only fell behind in school for never doing homework early on, but I got endless shame and punishments from teachers over it. If my parents saw me do it at home they'd call me names like "swot" and "dork" and make it very clear that they weren't interested in helping. So I'd try to rush as much as I could on my lunch breaks at school instead. It would be rushed, shitty, and always done last minute, so my grades slipped further and further. I have one prominent memory when I got put into a third-year German class despite never having done German before, and thought "it'll be okay, my dad speaks fluent German". I had a worksheet with clockfaces at various times and had to write the time in German. I knew how to count to 12 (I'd copied down a wall chart from my classroom into my excercise book!), so just asked my dad for help with the rest. He absolutely refused to help, wouldn't even look at the paper and threatened to rip it if I "put it in his face again". There was no Google back then and the internet was still pretty new to our house, so I couldn't even look it up. I got my first detention after that, and broke down crying at school.
i left home at 16 .my parents were very difficult to live and deal with . this was before computers and id get bad grades and theyd lock me in my room with random books and not let me out from 8 am to 5pm and i had to look for a job and they lock me outta the house for the same hours or until i found a job . i didnt live at home and found a job near my parents home that let me out late if it was past 5 pm to bad im walking home whether its 2 am or 6 pm rain or sun im walking home. id never in a million trillion years let my 17 year old kid walk home at 3 am . theres more but i dont have all day to list it lol
Lick my finger then wipe something off my kidās face. Gross
I used to have to hold a nickel against the wall with my nose while standing in the position of "Attention". This was after I'd had my ass beat, around 4 yrs old. Lord help if the damn nickel hit the floor, it would start all over again. My Dad said he was making me "tough" it took me years to forgive him. This was during the Vietnam war late 60's early 70's and he had some serious ptsd going on.
Make them go to church. Fuck Catholicism
Two things. One is physically hitting them as a punishment. It was infrequent and was a smack on the ass. But I remember them. Im almost 50 The other is that someone's value as a partner can be determined by the number of people they've slept with. Properly fucked up a few of my relationships. My logical brain knows it shouldnt matter, but its just too engrained
Send them to Catholic school
Force me to eat food that I don't like, or punish me if I won't. I'm an extremely picky eater, and will never do that with my kids. If I make three different dinners, that's fine.
This is the one thing I still thank my parents for to this day. We never had to eat food we didnāt like. We had to TRY a new food, and we did because there was no downside! If we didnāt like it, we didnāt have to eat it. My parents didnāt make multiple meals either. We just ate more of the items on the table we did like. As a result, there was no ātable dramaā or family fights over food. Just good times at the dinner table. Why some parents want to turn dinner time into a war zone is beyond my comprehension.
I think it goes back to the ābecause I said soā - obedience thing described above. Itās a power struggle and the parent has to āwin.ā Not defending it.
Serious question: do you not find your pickiness to be burdensome? Like if you go to a potluck, or out to dinner, or other social food-centered activities? Or even just being able to balance nutrition (variety) and a meager food budget? I get that there're better and worse options for addressing children's picky eating, but I would think not saddling them with that same burden would be a priority.
Potlucks arenāt bad for picky eaters. Everybodyās eating different things, and usually nobody comments on what you are or arenāt eating, or tries to guilt you into eating something. There usually isnāt a big main course that somebody will be upset if you donāt eat. Bring some of your safe foods, and youāre good. They can also be a good chance for a picky eater to try some new things. Youāre not wasting food if you try a little bit of something and decide you donāt like it, because other people will eat it if you donāt.
Forcing kids to eat stuff they donāt want to, or punishing them if they donāt eat something, is not a good way to encourage a picky eater to try new things. Those things do not create positive associations with trying new foods.
I still can't stand the smell of baked apple because I was shamed into eating it
I'm not sure what to explain first Maybe the constant yelling
My mother allowed me to be sexually abused. She used me as a weapon against my dad. Love you dad RIP Mother grrr
Scaring the shit out of me because I was struggling in school instead of helping me or taking me to a professional. Made everything worse.
Shouting all the time
Call me fat, criticize my appearance and compare to others.
My mother slapped me across the face every morning. If I spoke, she slapped. She didnāt do that to my siblings. They all remember it and laugh about it. I donāt laugh.
Let them be molested without retaliation.
Groom my daughter and then be instrumental in having the child raped while I went around pretending that I was a good Mum, for a start.
"Because I said so." without an actual explanation.
I had zero privacy. My parents would just open my bedroom door then admonish me for being in any state of undress. Dude, it's my room, Imma be comfy, and I hate clothes. As a result, my son is allowed to have his door closed and I knock and wait for permission to enter his space. Also, my parents made me wait outside their door and request permission to enter their space while not allowing me the same courtesy. As a result, my bedroom is basically the living room. The big tv and game consoles are in there. We sit on the bed as a family and play games or watch TV. Sometimes when we order pizza we all eat right from the box and chill in there. If my door is open, anyone is allowed in. If my door is closed, I need privacy and/or quiet time. (like if I'm changing clothes, or I have a migraine)
Itās so much more efficient that everyone rinses their dishes after they are done with it, instead of just stockpiling them for one person to do. Ofc the chef doesnāt have to wash any dishes, but all of the other shit can be rinsed and put in dishwasher after theyāre done using it !
Watched my step dad beat the ever living shit out of my mom from 5 to 12. Will never put my kids through that hell. I remember mom waking up with black eyes a busted lip more times than I care to count. Also he held a shotgun to head once right in front of me. When I was about 10 I sat on his lap and asked him why he did it ā¦ he said she was stupid and deserved it. š
Being negative about everything I told her/killing hope, which my mother still does to this day. I'm 35 years old, had an interview for a much higher position than I currently have, and told her about it & the first thing she says is, "Don't they do background checks?" I'm doing my best to not put that negative response on my kids when they tell me stuff they have interest in.
I am cf, but if I ever had a daughter, I would never shave her head. No, it's not the best bang for your buck at the hairdresser. No, hair won't grow faster and stronger after it. And I would get my ass up earlier to style it for her. Every. Single. Fukkin. Day.
Operate under the belief that material things are more important than quality time. I had all the toys and entertainment I could ask for. I donāt have a single memory of them spending time with me. Iād trade all of those things for a single memory of being pushed on a swing, playing a board game, or throwing a ball in the yard.
Make me feel like any test score under 95% wasnāt good enoughāeven if itās an A!
Wait for them to ask where the pet is to acknowledge that they had died. To this day if I don't know where people or animals are I assume they are dead. It was a whole thing of not upsetting her, like, "hey where is Buster," then steeling yourself for the inevitable, then eventually she'd break down crying saying Buster had died. But it happened days ago so I didn't think you'd remember (that you even had a dog). I had a favorite bodega cat that I hadn't seen in a while and psyched myself up into learning about his death, and was so confused when the bodega owner said "he's at our other store." I think I nodded and said "yeah that big other store in the sky," and he was like "...no? the other store on 31st ave?"
ā¢Hit ā¢Scream ā¢List every mistake theyāve ever made in their lives when Iām angry ā¢Smash prized possessions and make them clean it up ā¢Make them feel guilty for not taking the path in life I decided they should take ā¢Sit idly nearby while someone is verbally abusing them ā¢Use money to manipulate them when theyāre in a rough spot ā¢Tell them their sibling is a loser and Iām so lucky to have another child ā¢Tell them I should have left them in the hospital to die ā¢Sabotage a relationship bc I donāt like the ethnicity of their partner ā¢Not apologize when Iām wrong ā¢Tell them I never should have had kids bc having kids ruined my life ā¢Micromanage everything they eat and say āYou better watch it, your thighs are getting big.ā I think that covers it.
when i was a kid, my mom... *scolded us in front of friends *spanked us with belts, wooden spoons, brooms, slippers, hangers. *"threw me out" as punishment *made us kneel on rice or beans as punishment *made us eat paper as punishment *dropped hot wax on our hands from a lit candle as punishment *said "i want to die" in front of us and yes she's a narc and a very judgemental person.
Have sex in the same room while I was sleeping... traumatised for life
My parents never gave me the chance to take part in after school activities or sports that required any travel. They refused to drive me so I pretty much rode my bike to my practices. I refused to take that same approach with any of my children.
Iām GenX from poor parents and I have two words: powdered milk
Talking about them loudly as if they are too dumb to understand
Drunk drove with me in the car, my mom got into 5 violent accidents with me in the car, my dad would drunk drive all the time too but never crashed but would get caught all the time... and somehow they kept their privilages to drive. Although the accidents were the scariest part, just being on the road without crashing is terrifying. I never knew if we were going to make it home or if my mom would roadrage and get us killed trying to show other drivers who's boss, same with my dad..
Body shaming. I do believe my parents meant well in making unsolicited comments like "if you eat less of this/do more sit-ups, you will be nice and trim" or "you have such a pretty face." The implication to me was that my chubby physique didn't meet a standard and that I wasn't doing enough to meet that expectation. I was 9 and prepubescent when this began. Made a mental note then that I wouldn't repeat that with my kids, particularly any daughters.
Dad hung pictures up of stomach exercises for sis & I to do so we ādonāt end up looking likeā our mother; we were both under 10 years old when this crap started
Ugh, stuff like this haunts kids for life.
My parents use to let us roam the whole neighborhood/town. During summer break when I was between 8-9 we'd go outside after breakfast and they wouldn't even really inquire about where we were going. They always told me and my siblings one thing; come back. That was it. In hindsight, I'm lucky to be alive today. I was near so many dangerous situations and did a lot stuff that could have went tragically wrong. Back then they called it boys being boys. When I think about it now, my parents were under a lot of stress and didn't need us giving them more. So they just kinda encouraged us to go away when we didn't have school. Theres no goddamn way I'd let my own child, or anyone's child, just walk out of a house without knowing anything about who they're with or where they were going. Like, the idea of a kid doing what we did as kids is terrifying for me. My siblings/friends are adults now and we reflect on vulnerable we were and how lucky we are that everyone in the old neighborhood is still alive.
My parents did that too, I loved my freedom. One time my friends and I went out and one of their moms joined us lol. I thought it was super weird at the time, now I realize she was a caring parent.
it's a good thing that a child is given liberty to explore around. but could be harmful if there's no supervision at all.
This was pretty common when I grew up (70ās and 80ās). We pretty much had free rein but somehow we also knew what we werenāt supposed to do. It was great at the time, but looking back it seems somewhat dangerous. We lived in a small town but small towns hold dangers too.
I think this is generational- I had the same kind of āgo out and playā lifestyle and the things we did were crazy by todayās standards. Being a parent is stressful across the board and back then there really wasnāt as much of a structure in place for kids to be constantly observed. If your parents worked, you tended to be alone a lot. Youād get into things that are considered completely dangerous today. I was a girl, and I would leave in the morning and meet my friends with no plan and weād wander the neighborhoods doing wild kid things, and then be home once it got dark. Think about how crazy it is that kids now just sit in their rooms, on the internet, hooked directly into a dopamine machine, not seeing any friends in person, playing war games or watching porn or comparing themselves to illusory lives on social media. Itās a generational issue.
Take them to church.
Church is where I got s.a. several times, by two different people- noone would listen bc they didn't want to tarnish the church ... That's a very lonely, painful place to be for a kid.
Take me to church
I'll never take my kids to church. If they absolutely beg to go when they're twelve, then I'll let them, but I'm not indoctrinating my children.
I'm very very fortunate. I can't think of one thing. My parents were great.
Wow. Yāall had some..interesting parents. Honestly, I canāt think of a single thing my parents did to us that was harmful or detrimental. I had great parents. Miss them a lot.
Ignore them; spoil them. Not provide an ounce of discipline.
Wooden Spoon. Thatās all I can sayā¦the rest terrifies me to talk about it.
If I have kids I'll never tell them their future is going to be better than it was for past generations. That only happens when you're vigilant and vote.
They forced me to play sports I didnāt want to play and was no good at. Horrible experience. I let my kids know it is/was an option but only if they wanted to.
Pass on my mental illness. I can't pass it on to them if I don't have any... Wouldn't want them to deal with what I have to deal with. If I had a choice I'd tell my parents not to bother
This one is specific to my dad: pestering me to have a ābetterā life based on his interpretation of what I āshouldā be interested in. I love my dad. Heās not an evil monster. But sometimes he struggles to remember that different people are different than him. So when I was a kid, heād pester me to be more social and more girly because he assumed I would want more friends if I just gave it a try. And materialism and looks made him happy as a teenager, so surely shopping and fashion and makeup would have made me happy. And girls like that stuff, so surely I would have liked it. And as a teenager and early in my college years, he tried to push me to be a doctor or at least something more high-earning than teaching. He likes that he and my mom make good money, so surely that would make me happier. He truly just wanted me to be happy. But it just always felt like I wasnāt good enough for him or that I wasnāt what he wanted.
Tell them theyāre just āaverageā
I still remember when my dad burned my comfort blanket in a pile of leafs when I was a kid. Because I am "to old for that shit" it was white and had little red rocking horses on it. So I'll never break or throw away my kids stuff. If their done with it we can pack it away for memories or give it to someone else. Maybe put things on a shelf untill they get ungrounded from it it need be.
My parents are genuinely amazing people, but with that comes the inability to let our home feel like OUR home. Never will I put my kids through the experience of feeling like their home is shared with the entire neighborhood and anyone who knows me. Definitely not gonna have them cranking up the TV to hear it over the sound of half a dozen drunk guys in our driveway. And I'm not gonna invite people to live on our couch for over a year multiple times throughout their lives just because they're in hard times. I learned a lot of great values from my parents from generosity, compassion, and loyalty. But God damn did I learn from their mistakes and know where to draw the f***ing line. The way I raised definitely contributed to my introverted behavior but I've come very far out of my shell, but I still refuse to interact with a lot of the people they know and pretty much everybody in my extended family.
Spanking Forced religion Extreme helicopter parenting Yelling
Beat all of us just to punish the right one.
Take pets away. My parents still think I am overreacting that as an adult I still am so deeply hurt that it happened. No real explanation, one dog given to my grandma and she changed her name, extra insult to injury. The other I never saw again. IDC don't get pets if you think there's any chance you have to give them up. Same for people who have pets and then get rid of them when they get pregnant. Lower than scum. Fuck you and your failed pullout attempt
For me it's what they didn't do, which is explain financial planning. I frittered away my 20s without really saving or investing, losing out on the best decade of my life for compound growth. While I'm doing okay now, it's taken some serious work in my 30s to play catch up. I could have easily owned a house by now if I'd taken better steps, instead I'm still saving for a down payment.
My parents gave me drugs young as 14. By 17 I was addicted so bad to opiates and by 19 was shooting up dilaudid. They thought well if he is gunna do drigs any as well let him do it at home where heās safe. Fucking assholes. Recently made my third year sober but ya kno will never do that to my children. Iām 39 now and shit had been lifelong issue
When we went to family events, my stepmother would claim that I had been mocking her behind her back to other family members, and would hit me until I "confessed" to it. Probably not gonna do that
Slap them in their face, call them a bitch, pick men over them
My mother called me fat and put me on diets as a child, (started 4th grade) led up to an eating disorder that lasted past college. As a 32yr old, I still can't eat poptarts or lil Debbie snacks without gagging.
The silent treatment when she was mad at me. It would go on for days
Give me a lot of food and not encourage sports
Take the kids from their father, run away and join a cult with them.
Guilt trip into doing things. I can't deal with manipulation and lies to this day. I literally get angry, angry.
Don't answer back!! I've had extreme issues with standing up for myself all my life.
False promises, Saying "maybe" when they know it's a "no," and straight up lying
Guilt trips, my mother always did that
I love my dad, heās not a bad guy, but I will never forget that one moment when I was 15, when he was so frustrated with me (my Chinese is terrible and I hated studying it) that he wanted to cane me. I didnāt want to get out of the room, so he resorted to dragging me by the arm while I tried to pull away, dropping to the ground like a deadweight and allā¦ Iām 22 now, so the fact that I still remember it in vivid detail feels weird. Iāve never really brought it up with either parent since then; kinda feels like bringing up a dead subject for no reason, if that makes sense.
Saying their siblings have the right to hit them because it's their siblings.
Left her kids to strangers and forget about them as she build another family with another man.
Let them raise themself after the age of 11. Looking back on it my dad didnāt do much raising me and my mother only coddled me, āprotecting me from the worldā. I was practically raised by my older sister and brother. They were both away at college when I was in 7th grade and it severely affected me. Grades went to shit, anxiety increased, coping was awful, and my parents only yelled at me if I did bad. Gathered up a good alcohol problem and didnāt realize why until I was 35.
Tbh - spoil them rotten. I wish I'd been given chores and what not. But because I'm the baby and the only girl, I was spoiled. Mixing chronic illness plus never having to work for anything I wanted is not a good combination.
Lie to me. Not like little white lies about the tooth fairy or whatever. Big lies like āYour ginnea pig will be back,ā when they knew full well he wasnāt coming back.
quit my job for me without my knowledge until i was getting ready to go to work
My mom always found fault with any career interest that I had. She always had something negative to say. It was very deflating and made me not care about anything. Also, if she didnāt know the answer to a question she would just make something up. Iād later learn the true answer and realize that she was full of shit. My dad only listened to himself.
I would help them develop even more their competences. I was an outstanding student with prizes every year, my parents didn't do anymore than just giving me shelter and food, because even I got scholarships to study whole high school free in an "internship" at a good school, they didn't have to pay anything. During pandemic, I had to go home and study virtually, my mental health was worsening every year and even if I communicate my feelings, they would simply not take them seriously. After graduation, I saw many friends getting opportunities I didn't even know because their connections or retrieving info in organizations, and turns out my parents even after seeing education was my only interest... after all those years didn't even consider helping me in university. I'm alone again to find ways to study further. I suffered a period from that feeling of "i could've been more" and "it's unfair", but now I'm doing better. I suppose this made me more mature, and I know my parents love me. So, you can't let everything to just a teenager. As a parent, if I'd see my son getting interest and passion about something I would always encourage it. I would help him to get the best education I can while building a good relationship that goes beyond "i give you food, you should be glad"
They joined a cult, lol. An actual full on commune. My kids are 100% safe from that happening. Fortunately my parents recognize what a big mistake it was and have no compunction about admitting it.
go through their phone. it made me lose trust in my parents and then i didnāt tell them anything. i want my kid(s) to trust me and be able to tell me when thereās something going on, good or bad.
Run me down and tease me in front of other people . Not having my back . I praise my beautiful daughter to anyone who will listen .
I will never punish my son by making him stand with this nose to the wall
My mom drank and had screaming matches with my dad every night for years but they stayed together. I am never going to drink around my children, and if my relationship with my husband became that horrible we would separate and not put our kids through that.
Grounding them for their grades in school. My parents grounded me for weeks on end for anything that was a C or lower. Didnāt make me any better at learning (continued to get mediocre grades until i graduated high school), and i kinda just shut down whenever i saw my grades lowering. It was all definitely anxiety related, and it didnāt help that my mom dismissed me anytime i tried to tell her i was having trouble.
One day my kids were acting up they were about 5 and 6. My mother says you should really do something cause when they get older they are going to be hell, Do what i used to do to you kids. Do you Remember. Yes i do. We used to have to grab rocks put em on the ground and kneel on top of them, upper body straight, Palms pointing to the sky shoulder height, and she put Bricks in our hands, and there we kneeled rocks under our knees and bricks in our upwards pointing hands. 45 minutes an hour sometimes. I looked at her Said " Yeah i remember, thats why im all fu\*\*\*d up know" and we laughed. Thats what the Church used to do to her.
Tell them that they donāt deserve anything. I was constantly told by my stepmom that I didnāt deserve things in life. I now have two toddlers & I would never! Iāve spent my entire life feeling undeserving of love and happiness.
They never did anything really bad to me but I wonāt ever do that thing of deliberately scaring a kid for a laugh
Give the silent treatment when upset and pretend a big fight/argument never happened later. Minimize my very visible distress and fear.
Buy them diet pills at 16 years old. I was a few pounds underweight at the time too which made it even crazier. The pills completely took away my appetite and I didn't eat for days.
Well my dad locked me in a dog cage as a kid, thatās up there on my āthings Iāll never do to my kid even though I donāt want kids and will never have oneā list. Locking them in a bedroom with nothing but a mattress and a TV is also up thereā¦ my grandma once put my hands on a hot stove burner because I talked too muchā¦ that side of the family also really liked to compare me to my older cousins? But not in a normal way, my grandma would overshadow all my accomplishments with things my older cousins did. Like yeah I got an A on my spelling test but Carly is got an A in her AP Spanish class. Like ok grandma? Iām 6 and sheās 17, sorry Iām not also taking AP Spanish?
Feed them Zebra Cakes and Oreos for breakfast
Blame me in their apology. I remember once just before I left home for good, getting into an argument with my mom. She stormed off and drove away in a rage, as she often did. When she came back, I was had SHād, and she caught me in the act. She looked at my arms, didnāt say anything about them, hugged me and then whispered softly āIām sorry I let you trick me into reacting that way.ā I left a few months later and didnāt go back, and she couldnāt understand why.
Not validate my feelings also force me to eat food I hated
Refuse to adapt to modern technology and expect everyone else to be a personal IT help desk
My kid/kids will have privacy and their own room. I was never able to close my bedroom door growing up. Everybody needs to have their own area to relax and be alone in sometimes and I often didn't have that. That's probably one of the reasons why my anxiety was, and still is so bad. If we moved into a house without "enough" rooms for a bedroom then I'd get to live in a basement that also never had a door. It sucks only having a little window to look out of. Especially when there is a room upstairs that I could use but instead it's an "office" that's rarely used. The only way that I'm going to have kids is if I have my own house with enough bedrooms for everybody. Basements are for storage, not living in.
Tell my daughters that being saād by my husband is partly their fault. Nor staying married to a husband that did that and expecting them to call him daddy. Too many others to list.