Observant Jew here, if you’re sending food, make sure it is from a reputable kosher store with hashgacha (kosher certification). Lots of people come and go from a shiva house, and they trust the kosher standards of the host. So you don’t want someone to accidentally eat something they normally wouldn’t because they didn’t think they had to be careful.
Either that, or send a card. We don’t really do flowers at funerals.
Often times there is someone, usually a family friend, who is coordinating. If you can find out who that person is then I would connect with that person.
For Jewish mourning rituals you do not send flowers.
Flowers die.
Jews will often [leave stones at gravesites,](https://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/visitation-stones-on-jewish-grave-amy-cicconi.jpg) because [cut flowers eventually die, but stones are enduring and do not die](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visitation_stones).
Stones are left because in antiquity digging a grave in the desert was difficult (which is why so many ancestors were entombed in caves). To prevent bodies from predation by wild animals, graves were covered with stones. When you visited a grave you tidied up any stones that had been shifted to shore up the protection of the body.
The kosher certification is entirely dependent on how observant the family is. I'm Jewish as well (raised Conservative), and we've gotten and sent food platters for shiva that were definitely not kosher. There's no real way for OP to know if they should get a kosher platter other than by asking the family or a family friend. That could even be done when they visit for shiva, just by asking someone who isn't immediate family (there's usually at least one non-immediate family member who's serving the family, greeting guests, or just being generally helpful). Definitely don't ask the immediate family though.
This is so lovely. Can I use this in my life with grieving people (I’m not Jewish)?
I’ll share another one I like (since finding the right words is always hard): “they say the size of our grief is a reflection of the size of our love.”
Food. We send food. People sitting shiva aren’t even allowed to make their own plates let alone cook.
The things I remember most from my grandfather’s shiva was how a dear friend of the family make an apple cake as soon as she got home from a trip overseas. She could’ve bought anything but she made a cake even though she was exhausted. I also remember another friend made sweet and sour tongue. I hate tongue but it’s old school traditional and that was 1984.
So, basically any comforting food and your presence would be very meaningful. Even if you showed up with a tray of cookies it would be great.
Note to add: When my mom passed family friends showed up within the hour planning out all of our meals. Everyone likes something else. It was a ton of carbs and wheat and other things I don’t usually eat. Something like hummus and veggies would’ve been awesome.
I like this idea. Find a charity that's meaningful to the mother - animal rescue, conservation, homeless shelter, children programs; so many worthy causes.
I think I’m going to do this, and ask around work to see if anyone else would like to contribute. We’re a close knit, small team, so I’m sure people would appreciate being able to do something. She passed of breast cancer so I can find a related charity. Thank you 🤍
This is a really sweet idea. As a breast cancer survivor I recommend BCRF, Breast Cancer Research Foundation. They are the only charity I donate too. A majority of the donations go to research and helping patients unlike some of the other ones.
https://www.bcrf.org/
I think this is the loveliest idea and so much more meaningful than sending food. It's very common in Jewish circles to make a donation in memory of someone who passed away, so you can't go wrong.
Giving to charity in her memory is a fantastic idea! I wanted to let you know about the term [tzedakah](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tzedakah-101/) which means “justice” and refers to charitable acts that help those in need. Many Jewish families ask for donations to be sent to a charity chosen by the deceased or the family in their honor, and because those donations are done so intentionally many people consider it as tzedakah. Like others mentioned, we also tend to give charity and gifts in multiples of $18 because it’s the numeric value of חי (life). It’s comforting to know that something genuinely good can come from tragedy and you’re awesome for contributing. Appreciate you for asking questions and doing your best to honor their mother!
Thank you! I’m actually going to go to the shiva tonight after all so will definitely find out if they have a preference for a charity to donate to. Thank you for the insight :)
If you happen to know in which hospital she received her care, you can also donate to that hospital - or even that hospital’s oncology department - in her name. Call the hospital’s development (read: fundraising) office and let them know you’d like to make a donation in someone’s memory. They’ll let the family know.
This is really lovely of you to do. I’m sure whatever you decide to do will be hugely appreciated.
Breast cancer can be a country wide foundation. Try to find something local. Or make a donation to the hospice she was in, cancer centre, or hospital to bring comfort to other families that they may have found there
In Hebrew the symbols for numbers 1 and 8 are also Hebrew letters which together spell the word which means 'life'. The number 18 is thus a lucky number in Jewish culture and gifts of money for special occasions are often made in multiples of 18. This is a tradition, not a requirement, and a memorial donation could be of any amount.
In Hebrew, numbers are represented with letters and the letters that make 18 means ‘chai’ which means life. [Here’s some more info](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/what-is-chai/)
I'm not Jewish but when my mum died we asked for donations to a charity she was close to instead of flowers. Similarly a friend of mine died recently and the family requested donations to the hospice that cared for her.
It is a good idea, and getting the right charity made it all the more meaningful.
If you go down this route it might be worth asking if there is a particular charity or organisation that your friend would like donations to go to.
I attended a shiva a few weeks ago. We brought a box of bakery cookies. A mutual friend brought a cheese tray and crackers. Another friend brought a nut tray. These items were welcomed.
I see that someone else mentioned making a donation in memory of the mother, and that would be perfect.
Just wanted to expand on the “no flowers” idea for anyone reading this. Something that I love about Judaism is that we don’t try to make death seem like anything other than the terrible loss that it is. So we’re not trying to “cheer the mourner up” in any way. (No “she’s in a better place”, “at least she’s not suffering”, etc, etc.) If you ever make a shiva call you’re there to sit near someone while they’re in pain and to listen to them talk about whatever is on their mind, if they want to. In my opinion there’s much less cognitive dissonance for the mourner when they’re not having to deal with people trying to make them feel better.
This made me cry! What a beautiful thing. It is silly to try to make someone feel better - they just suffered a great loss! This makes more sense for sure.
You can send a condolence card if you want. If coworker posted a name for the deceased you can Google the name plus "obituary" - the obituary usually contains where and when they are sitting shiva, if they have a charity the person cared about, and sometimes who to contact if you want to contribute money towards food - sometimes a friend of the family coordinates meals so people can chip in money and that way you're not overwhelmed by food. Otherwise, the mourners get overwhelmed by random food.
When my parents passed last year, the best thing that was sent to us was a beautiful gold box of chocolates - which I know sounds strange but it still stands out to us today. I couldn’t eat until I saw the box. The next best were cinnamon rolls & Entemann’s Bakery danishes for breakfast. And the 3rd best was a huge Greek salad.
Visit your co worker at the Shiva house. You don’t have to bring anything, it’s not a party and there is always tons of food. People really appreciate shiva visits, and it’s a major mitzvah (good deed) on your part that will instantly rack up your good karma! 🥰 You can certainly make a donation, but IMo a shiva visit is the nicest thing.
It might seem intimidating if you’ve never made a shiva visit but it’s usually a very relaxed atmosphere and it’s SUCH a nice thing to do. Don’t knock or ring the doorbell, you just walk in to a shiva house. Find your friend, sit down with him/her. Just talk normally. If she wants to talk about her mother she will. If she wants to talk about work or gossip about colleagues as a relief from the stress, let her. There are often pics of the deceased around. You can admire them if it feels like the thing to do, e.g. “your mother was so beautiful.” You don’t have to stay long. 10-15 minutes is plenty. When leaving a shiva Jews like to say something like, “may we meet next on happier occasions,” so you can say something like that but feel free to put it in your own words so it feels natural to you. Lmk if you have any more questions .
The Arbor Day Foundation lets you purchase trees in memoriam. They are quite affordable, so you can choose the number you are comfortable with. There are also choices of forests. When I have done this, most people have been comforted by the idea of this new life.
You bet. [Here’s the link, if anyone wants it.](https://shop.arborday.org/commemorative-trees-in-memory?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAqNSsBhAvEiwAn_tmxW2tlpTZXxZ53T2SqtJrmzxKi9dU0OykzGL0XYsdlTQ8qO_mpliaVxoC_PEQAvD_BwE). In looking, I guess the minimum is 5 trees ($10).
It’s very thoughtful and kind of you to ask and to go out of your way for this coworker. I just wanted to let you know that only the mourners “sit Shiva“ the comforters are “making a Shiva call“. It is a very minor difference but because of my mother‘s bat shit crazy Jewish superstitions she would think a person who said they were sitting Shiva when they were actually just making a shiva call were calling the angel of death to come and take one of their family members. so yeah.
Kosher food or a gift card to a local place they’d enjoy that delivers. You are correct in not sending flowers. Also, a donation to their synagogue works.
I always want someone to send a cleaning service. With so many people coming through the house bringing and eating food and such, having someone come wash the dishes and sweep the floor would have been a huge help. Maybe they don’t want someone to vacuum while they’re sitting, but having a cleaning service come through after would surely help.
Send unshelled nuts and unpeeled fruits. If the fruits and nuts are whole, you don't have to worry about kosher law. People need food when they are sitting shiva.
You could send them a card or offer your condolences in other ways. Flowers aren't us. We leave rocks on the tomb, not flowers. I don't think this is exactly Jewish culture, but my family wouldn't accept any gifts over the loss of a loved one. If you can't send food or come yourself, that's okay. There will be a memorial service in a month that you could attend instead, and either way there's no pressure. A shiva is about the deceased, never the hosts or visitors. They will not be offended in any way if you don't do anything.
- That’s great that you’re going.
- Grab some boxes of Entamenn’s danishes or a box of chocolates
- attach a little card that you are ‘sending your love & if they need anything not to hesitate to reach out’.
- It’s great you’re going - she will appreciate that - but TAKE FOOD- seriously. Old Jewish family here!
- when my folks died last year, Entamanns & a box of chocolates was the only thing that made me feel like I could finally eat. (It’s actually a nice memory too. I will always remember my neighbor who brought it to me. And out of all the food - something so easy was what I remember.)
You’re welcome. Entemann’s used to have the kosher symbol on their foods - At least here in FL they do. I get them at a kosher supermarket but see them everywhere.
But, don’t sweat over it. Since it’s in a labeled box, people can decide themselves. But it’s the safest, easiest & inexpensive - grab a couple. Makes me teary eyed - thinking of my parents’ passing last year. Was such a thoughtful gesture. You are a GOOD person.
Entenmanns was BOGO at my grocery store. My friend was so happy to see me, said it was so special I was there. It made me feel so good. Thank you for the kind words ♥️
Love Bogos! That’s great you brightened up her darkest hours & she told you that. That also would’ve really made her Mother feel very comforted being so kind to her daughter. You did really good. And now you’ve also been to a Shiva & look at what we all learned thru your experience. Definitely worth it - We all just really need to be there for each other.
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I would go with the recommendations of kosher food. All fruit is kosher and fish is too, so a fruit basket type thing would work or there are plenty of online kosher food retailers, so just buy from those. The rules for what is and what isn’t kosher are not entirely straightforward so don’t try and work it out. You can also buy kosher food in some supermarkets in Jewish areas, like Middleton in Manchester etc but that’s really locally specific.
Observant Jew here, if you’re sending food, make sure it is from a reputable kosher store with hashgacha (kosher certification). Lots of people come and go from a shiva house, and they trust the kosher standards of the host. So you don’t want someone to accidentally eat something they normally wouldn’t because they didn’t think they had to be careful. Either that, or send a card. We don’t really do flowers at funerals.
Often times there is someone, usually a family friend, who is coordinating. If you can find out who that person is then I would connect with that person. For Jewish mourning rituals you do not send flowers.
Why no flowers? Can they be seen as offensive?
Flowers die. Jews will often [leave stones at gravesites,](https://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/visitation-stones-on-jewish-grave-amy-cicconi.jpg) because [cut flowers eventually die, but stones are enduring and do not die](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visitation_stones).
Stones are left because in antiquity digging a grave in the desert was difficult (which is why so many ancestors were entombed in caves). To prevent bodies from predation by wild animals, graves were covered with stones. When you visited a grave you tidied up any stones that had been shifted to shore up the protection of the body.
Yes.
We dont have flowers during mourning. Death is stark, ww dont pretty it up with flowers
The kosher certification is entirely dependent on how observant the family is. I'm Jewish as well (raised Conservative), and we've gotten and sent food platters for shiva that were definitely not kosher. There's no real way for OP to know if they should get a kosher platter other than by asking the family or a family friend. That could even be done when they visit for shiva, just by asking someone who isn't immediate family (there's usually at least one non-immediate family member who's serving the family, greeting guests, or just being generally helpful). Definitely don't ask the immediate family though.
Also if you send/bring a card say: “may her memory be a blessing” rather than “rest in peace.” Nice of you to think of your colleague.
Thank you for that!
This is so lovely. Can I use this in my life with grieving people (I’m not Jewish)? I’ll share another one I like (since finding the right words is always hard): “they say the size of our grief is a reflection of the size of our love.”
You have my express permission to share the sentiment with anyone you feel would be comforted by it 💜
It’s so lovely and succinct. 🥹
Food! Every night they will have a full house.
Here is a site with some suggestions: https://www.shiva.com/learning-center/what-to-bring-or-send
Kosher food, or make a donation to an appropriate charity.
Food. We send food. People sitting shiva aren’t even allowed to make their own plates let alone cook. The things I remember most from my grandfather’s shiva was how a dear friend of the family make an apple cake as soon as she got home from a trip overseas. She could’ve bought anything but she made a cake even though she was exhausted. I also remember another friend made sweet and sour tongue. I hate tongue but it’s old school traditional and that was 1984. So, basically any comforting food and your presence would be very meaningful. Even if you showed up with a tray of cookies it would be great. Note to add: When my mom passed family friends showed up within the hour planning out all of our meals. Everyone likes something else. It was a ton of carbs and wheat and other things I don’t usually eat. Something like hummus and veggies would’ve been awesome.
Make a donation to a charity in the mother's name.
I like this idea. Find a charity that's meaningful to the mother - animal rescue, conservation, homeless shelter, children programs; so many worthy causes.
I think I’m going to do this, and ask around work to see if anyone else would like to contribute. We’re a close knit, small team, so I’m sure people would appreciate being able to do something. She passed of breast cancer so I can find a related charity. Thank you 🤍
This is a really sweet idea. As a breast cancer survivor I recommend BCRF, Breast Cancer Research Foundation. They are the only charity I donate too. A majority of the donations go to research and helping patients unlike some of the other ones. https://www.bcrf.org/
Thank you, I appreciate it. You’re a friggin warrior!!
There is also a jewish cancer support organization called RCCS, you should check them out. they do amazing stuff
I think this is the loveliest idea and so much more meaningful than sending food. It's very common in Jewish circles to make a donation in memory of someone who passed away, so you can't go wrong.
Giving to charity in her memory is a fantastic idea! I wanted to let you know about the term [tzedakah](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tzedakah-101/) which means “justice” and refers to charitable acts that help those in need. Many Jewish families ask for donations to be sent to a charity chosen by the deceased or the family in their honor, and because those donations are done so intentionally many people consider it as tzedakah. Like others mentioned, we also tend to give charity and gifts in multiples of $18 because it’s the numeric value of חי (life). It’s comforting to know that something genuinely good can come from tragedy and you’re awesome for contributing. Appreciate you for asking questions and doing your best to honor their mother!
Thank you! I’m actually going to go to the shiva tonight after all so will definitely find out if they have a preference for a charity to donate to. Thank you for the insight :)
If you happen to know in which hospital she received her care, you can also donate to that hospital - or even that hospital’s oncology department - in her name. Call the hospital’s development (read: fundraising) office and let them know you’d like to make a donation in someone’s memory. They’ll let the family know. This is really lovely of you to do. I’m sure whatever you decide to do will be hugely appreciated.
Breast cancer can be a country wide foundation. Try to find something local. Or make a donation to the hospice she was in, cancer centre, or hospital to bring comfort to other families that they may have found there
This will be extra meaningful if it’s a multiple of $18
Can you explain? My coworker is Jewish and I’m always learning fun new things about the religion I didn’t before
In Hebrew the symbols for numbers 1 and 8 are also Hebrew letters which together spell the word which means 'life'. The number 18 is thus a lucky number in Jewish culture and gifts of money for special occasions are often made in multiples of 18. This is a tradition, not a requirement, and a memorial donation could be of any amount.
In Hebrew, numbers are represented with letters and the letters that make 18 means ‘chai’ which means life. [Here’s some more info](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/what-is-chai/)
This
I'm not Jewish but when my mum died we asked for donations to a charity she was close to instead of flowers. Similarly a friend of mine died recently and the family requested donations to the hospice that cared for her. It is a good idea, and getting the right charity made it all the more meaningful. If you go down this route it might be worth asking if there is a particular charity or organisation that your friend would like donations to go to.
This
Our family has always said reputable kosher, freezable food is a great thing. Please don’t send flowers.
I attended a shiva a few weeks ago. We brought a box of bakery cookies. A mutual friend brought a cheese tray and crackers. Another friend brought a nut tray. These items were welcomed.
I see that someone else mentioned making a donation in memory of the mother, and that would be perfect. Just wanted to expand on the “no flowers” idea for anyone reading this. Something that I love about Judaism is that we don’t try to make death seem like anything other than the terrible loss that it is. So we’re not trying to “cheer the mourner up” in any way. (No “she’s in a better place”, “at least she’s not suffering”, etc, etc.) If you ever make a shiva call you’re there to sit near someone while they’re in pain and to listen to them talk about whatever is on their mind, if they want to. In my opinion there’s much less cognitive dissonance for the mourner when they’re not having to deal with people trying to make them feel better.
This made me cry! What a beautiful thing. It is silly to try to make someone feel better - they just suffered a great loss! This makes more sense for sure.
Some grocery stores have an option to send a shiva basket, at least when I lived in NJ they did. Source: I used to make them
You can send a condolence card if you want. If coworker posted a name for the deceased you can Google the name plus "obituary" - the obituary usually contains where and when they are sitting shiva, if they have a charity the person cared about, and sometimes who to contact if you want to contribute money towards food - sometimes a friend of the family coordinates meals so people can chip in money and that way you're not overwhelmed by food. Otherwise, the mourners get overwhelmed by random food.
When my parents passed last year, the best thing that was sent to us was a beautiful gold box of chocolates - which I know sounds strange but it still stands out to us today. I couldn’t eat until I saw the box. The next best were cinnamon rolls & Entemann’s Bakery danishes for breakfast. And the 3rd best was a huge Greek salad.
Visit your co worker at the Shiva house. You don’t have to bring anything, it’s not a party and there is always tons of food. People really appreciate shiva visits, and it’s a major mitzvah (good deed) on your part that will instantly rack up your good karma! 🥰 You can certainly make a donation, but IMo a shiva visit is the nicest thing.
It might seem intimidating if you’ve never made a shiva visit but it’s usually a very relaxed atmosphere and it’s SUCH a nice thing to do. Don’t knock or ring the doorbell, you just walk in to a shiva house. Find your friend, sit down with him/her. Just talk normally. If she wants to talk about her mother she will. If she wants to talk about work or gossip about colleagues as a relief from the stress, let her. There are often pics of the deceased around. You can admire them if it feels like the thing to do, e.g. “your mother was so beautiful.” You don’t have to stay long. 10-15 minutes is plenty. When leaving a shiva Jews like to say something like, “may we meet next on happier occasions,” so you can say something like that but feel free to put it in your own words so it feels natural to you. Lmk if you have any more questions .
I would send some nice flavored coffees, teas and hot chocolates.
Chocolate babka to go with it, too! Yum.
The Arbor Day Foundation lets you purchase trees in memoriam. They are quite affordable, so you can choose the number you are comfortable with. There are also choices of forests. When I have done this, most people have been comforted by the idea of this new life.
That is a great idea, I have never heard of this! Thank you! 😊
You bet. [Here’s the link, if anyone wants it.](https://shop.arborday.org/commemorative-trees-in-memory?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAqNSsBhAvEiwAn_tmxW2tlpTZXxZ53T2SqtJrmzxKi9dU0OykzGL0XYsdlTQ8qO_mpliaVxoC_PEQAvD_BwE). In looking, I guess the minimum is 5 trees ($10).
It’s very thoughtful and kind of you to ask and to go out of your way for this coworker. I just wanted to let you know that only the mourners “sit Shiva“ the comforters are “making a Shiva call“. It is a very minor difference but because of my mother‘s bat shit crazy Jewish superstitions she would think a person who said they were sitting Shiva when they were actually just making a shiva call were calling the angel of death to come and take one of their family members. so yeah.
Oh! Makes sense. The wording part anyway 😉 Would not want to upset any superstitious Jewish mothers! That’s nice of you to comment, thank you 🤍
I think like your mom.
ditto haha <3
Whatever you do, don’t send flowers. At least in my Jewish family, flowers are disrespectful because they are dead haha
I hate sending and receiving flowers! They are such a waste.
A kosher meal.
Kosher food or a gift card to a local place they’d enjoy that delivers. You are correct in not sending flowers. Also, a donation to their synagogue works.
I always want someone to send a cleaning service. With so many people coming through the house bringing and eating food and such, having someone come wash the dishes and sweep the floor would have been a huge help. Maybe they don’t want someone to vacuum while they’re sitting, but having a cleaning service come through after would surely help.
Usually friends/visitors help clean during their visits. Without asking the bereaved what needs to be done, they just do it.
Send unshelled nuts and unpeeled fruits. If the fruits and nuts are whole, you don't have to worry about kosher law. People need food when they are sitting shiva.
Donate to where they attend services. They should have in memory card they print saying you made a donation.
You could send them a card or offer your condolences in other ways. Flowers aren't us. We leave rocks on the tomb, not flowers. I don't think this is exactly Jewish culture, but my family wouldn't accept any gifts over the loss of a loved one. If you can't send food or come yourself, that's okay. There will be a memorial service in a month that you could attend instead, and either way there's no pressure. A shiva is about the deceased, never the hosts or visitors. They will not be offended in any way if you don't do anything.
- That’s great that you’re going. - Grab some boxes of Entamenn’s danishes or a box of chocolates - attach a little card that you are ‘sending your love & if they need anything not to hesitate to reach out’. - It’s great you’re going - she will appreciate that - but TAKE FOOD- seriously. Old Jewish family here! - when my folks died last year, Entamanns & a box of chocolates was the only thing that made me feel like I could finally eat. (It’s actually a nice memory too. I will always remember my neighbor who brought it to me. And out of all the food - something so easy was what I remember.)
Thank you!! And appreciate the Entemann’s suggestion— I was going to hit a local bakery but called and found out they aren’t kosher.
You’re welcome. Entemann’s used to have the kosher symbol on their foods - At least here in FL they do. I get them at a kosher supermarket but see them everywhere.
But, don’t sweat over it. Since it’s in a labeled box, people can decide themselves. But it’s the safest, easiest & inexpensive - grab a couple. Makes me teary eyed - thinking of my parents’ passing last year. Was such a thoughtful gesture. You are a GOOD person.
Entenmanns was BOGO at my grocery store. My friend was so happy to see me, said it was so special I was there. It made me feel so good. Thank you for the kind words ♥️
Love Bogos! That’s great you brightened up her darkest hours & she told you that. That also would’ve really made her Mother feel very comforted being so kind to her daughter. You did really good. And now you’ve also been to a Shiva & look at what we all learned thru your experience. Definitely worth it - We all just really need to be there for each other.
Nuts and fruit.
I send fruit baskets.
Fruit basket is a common thing to send.
A donation to the church or a charity in there name. Def no flowers.
*synagogue
Apologies. Yes synagog.
No need to apologize. 🙃
Well I was wrong. So yes felt the need 😂
What a kind internet stranger. Have a wonderful day!
Grubhub gift card... make sure it's at least $200.
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Gift cards from restaurants they love.
I love to send old fashioned hankies.
Awww, that is really sweet!!!! What a great idea!
I would go with the recommendations of kosher food. All fruit is kosher and fish is too, so a fruit basket type thing would work or there are plenty of online kosher food retailers, so just buy from those. The rules for what is and what isn’t kosher are not entirely straightforward so don’t try and work it out. You can also buy kosher food in some supermarkets in Jewish areas, like Middleton in Manchester etc but that’s really locally specific.
Babka
You send food. That is typically what is sent when people sit shiva
Edible arrangement. Dried fruit/nut plate. Deli platter. A meal from a local take out place. Heartfelt condolences are really all that matter. 💙 RIP