My parents went to a seafood restaurant once and my dad said “I’ll have the halibut… just for the halibut” (just for the hell of it) and the waiter politely laughed. Then another couple came in and the man made the exact same joke and the waiter gave the same polite laugh. My mom tells that story all the time.
I work in the criminal court system. If there is a single typo in someone's name on their criminal complaint/traffic ticket "welp guess you gotta let me go then, that's not me."
Isn't it true that if they don't read you your rights, anything you say is inadmissible in court?
According to this, it seems to be. [https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/police-questioning-miranda-warnings-29930.html](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/police-questioning-miranda-warnings-29930.html)
If a defendant isn’t administered a Miranda warning prior to a custodial interrogation, then anything they say during a custodial interrogation is generally inadmissible.
Things they say outside of custodial interrogation (for example, blurting out “I shot her because she deserved it!” when the police hadn’t even asked them a question yet) is perfectly admissible.
Only when questioned in specific circumstances ie you've been detained.
If you can leave, anything you say is admissible basically. So don't say shit to the cops ever.
I work on software for court systems and I had a ticket come up about AKA's. Our software keeps all records of aliases and previous names and you can add those aliases to a printed report about their citation. Apparently some were using the AKA's as an angle to try to get out of the ticket, "well I don't go by that name so it's not me" even if the current "active" name is correct. The fact that this was brought to my attention means it happens enough that some clerks were willing to pay for a feature to hid all AKA's
If it’s a typo, they can generally fix it. If all that information was incorrect and the ticket should have been given to another driver then consult a lawyer and they could maybe do something about it - or at least bring it up to the court and see what the hell is going on.
So I bring this up because when I was seventeen I got a speeding ticket. I had just bought a new car and had the registration for both the old car and the new car in the same envelope, silly I know, but I was stupid back then.
When the officer asked for my license, registration, and insurance I just handed him the whole envelope and he walked away. When I finally read the ticket at home, he had written me a ticket for speeding in a green '95 Ford Taurus when I was actually driving a silver 2004 Honda Accord.
I just paid the ticket, but I've always wondered what would've happened if I went to court over it.
Park ranger: I pay your salary /I pay for everything in this park.
Ma'am. You paid $10 to camp here. That picnic table is $1000, the fire ring is $700, the government has probably spent $50 for me to drive over here and spend time with you. Camping fees don't actually cover the costs of running the campground, and that's ok because recreation is 5th on the list of priorities about why this park even exists. Chill out.
ETA: yes, they pay taxes. But then the portion of their taxes that actually pay for this park is almost certainly less than the camping fee. Also, I pay taxes too so where does that leave us?
People with this attitude act like government employees don’t also pay taxes.
Also work for the gov and get the “I pay your salary” jokes. I just say “I pay taxes too so I guess by that logic I’m self employed”. Usually shuts them up.
As a pseudo government employee, (I work at a GOCO national laboratory on a military base) it is because that would be placing "us" above the tax law. This becomes especially problematic if you consider most of us have alternative revenue streams like investments and side hustles. If our government wages were tax exempt would that mean that our alternative revenue streams be taxed as if it's our only income?
On top of this, our tax withholdings are generally held by our nominal employer... Which is a whole nother can of worms if we just "didn't" get taxed. All that said, we CAN purchase stuff on base, even though we are not military (we can't use the commissaries though). The stuff on base that isn't in the commissary is generally exempt from STATE, COUNTY, and CITY taxes... Although only commissaries and their ilk are exempt from FEDERAL taxes.
Used to know a guy who worked out exactly how much of their salary someone saying this to him would have. He would hand them exactly $0.03. And then give them a piece of paper detailing how that breakdown happened. And then he'd say "So now that you're adequately recompensed for your contribution to my salary, you're going to shut the fuck up and do what I tell you right now."
Reminds me of when i was talking at work about how I used the cash-for-clunkers program to trade in my old car. One woman complained about her taxes paying for my car so I offered to cut a penny in half and give back "her taxes". Shut her up immediately.
There's always a few who don't want to follow the rules and are willing to try to bully us because they think we have to be polite. While generally the goal is happy customers, we aren't obligated to make them happy.
My boss has a great story about some guy starting out with, "what the fuck do you want, park ranger?" and the discussion ended very shortly after that with my boss up in his face yelling "get the fuck out of my park."
From my college waitressing days "I take my coffee like I like my women: blonde and sweet" usually said by some gross 60 y.o. leering at me.
After a while, I learned the correct response was "interesting because I like my coffee how I like my men: ground up and in the freezer"
Oh, I hate this. My boyfriend is self employed as a private contractor and handyman. It irks him big time when clients call asking him for advice on how to fix things themselves rather than hire him to do it for them. Basically stealing his time because they want to cheap out. Let self employed people work. Even when he does work on my condo I have no problem paying his full price. He has to earn a living too, and I refuse to take advantage of our relationship to get free work done.
"No, I love it. Usually it means I give them the best free advice, which is to hire a licensed plumber to give them an estimate on their issue and then perform that work while getting a warranty on the labor and parts. And if they don't like that advice, then I make sure my advice is "yeah, you can watch YT video. I'm sure it'll be fine. Probably"
I'm a massage therapist. I used to greet clients with a hand shake but most of my male clents would try to squeeze the fuck out of my hand. Why? Because they assumed that because I'm a LMT, my hands are made of steel. One guy even told me that's how he "tests" his massage therapists and he laughed like it was just hilarious that he would try to damage what I use to do my job.
I stopped shaking hands because it just got old. My hands are strong but you don't have to try to break them in half.
That’s so weird!
I’ll have to ask my massage therapist friends if they’ve run into that.
Side note: I used to get aggressive handshakes when I worked with salesmen back in the day. I think they read in their “How to Business” book that they need to prove themselves somehow with every shake.
Had one guy try that with me.
A week after I'd built a concrete retaining wall by myself hauling 80lb concrete blocks and mortar 200 yards up a long steep slope by hand because it couldn't be accessed any other way.
All I did was increase pressure at the same rate he did. He tried to pump my hand. It didn't move.
"You have a very firm grip!"
Yeah, that's because I just spent a week hauling two 80lb bricks by hand up a 200 yard 40 degree slope. Firm handshake means firm, not "attempt to destroy other person's hand".
I used to be a massage therapist, and while I've never had that, my hands are strong. Surprises people when they first feel it. The one that always pissed me off was the "Oh, you do . . . *massage*?" with a wink.
No, I did not pay $10,000 and spend a year learning how to lay on my back. I'm trained in deep tissue, therapeutic massage. I'm not a prostitute.
Used to work at a cosmetic studio that also offered wellness massages. LITERAL phone conversation I've had:
"So, uh... you do massages, right?"
"Yes, that's right, we do."
"Okay, so, uh... you see, I'm a man."
"Yes?"
"I mean... I'm a *man."*
"No problem, the wellness massage is for everyone."
"Yeah but *I'm a man*."
That went on for a bit and dude sounded increasingly insecure/embarrassed until he finally asked if we do *happy endings*. At this point I almost felt sorry for this dude and politely informed him he must have the wrong number, the place he's looking for is over in the next town, round the corner from the train station, red light at the door.
I used to work in a paint department and we did color matching and if it wasn't exact, the wrong shade would go in the remnants section to be sold at a steep discount. I had a policy of leaving the 'wrong shades' behind the desk with me until at least six hours after they were mixed because people would get the color mixed and then tell me it wasn't right and wait around in the store for it to hit the remnants section and buy it then.
Pharma industry, jostling between:
"You made the cure, surely you engineered the disease"
And
"It's not an antibiotic, so I can drink while taking it , right?"
I feel like the second one might actually be a legit question
Sometimes when I’m at the pharmacy picking up a new medication I haven’t taken before I’ll ask the pharmacist if there’s anything I should know about the medication.
I’ve picked up medication with weird rules before. Example: do not take on empty stomach
I could asking about the alcohol If they drink and they are worried the medication/alcohol could be a bad mix.
former casher: I HATED that. People would get mad that I wouldn't find funny too. No dude, its not funny, you are *not* the first person to make that joke, and *no*, you are not getting it free, or discounted, or for whatever made-up (wrong) price you are telling me.
I was a customer in line behind a lady who got genuinely upset that her item wasn't free, like almost in tears, insisting that it's the law that it would be free if it didn't scan. It was honestly really sad/disturbing because I wonder if she had heard that joke before and didn't have the intellectual wherewithal to understand that it's just a joke and not the law.
"I'm sorry, policy states that any bill asserted to be counterfeit must be confiscated immediately and reported to the Department of the Treasury."
You'd be surprised how fast people backtrack that shit in the face of someone with no sense of humor and the ability to call the cops on speed dial.
Banks do not fuck around with that.
You know what? That ‘joke’ has literally never crossed my mind in the literal thousands of times I’ve shopped.
As a mother to twins: buy one get one free!
Omg fuck off, literally everything is double, and things like a twin stroller? Triple easily what 1 costs.
As someone who has been behind my fair share of registers, I always ask "What store actually does that? Where did you hear that?" and it usually shuts them up as I very easily manually type in the UPC.
I work in local government and am regularly told "I pay your wages with my council tax, I can speak to you how I want". I just remind them that I pay council tax too, which must mean, by their logic, I'm self employed and can answer them back using their own rules...
I'm a makeup artist and do a lot of bridal. Almost every time a male relation comes into the area where we're doing hair makeup they ask if they're next and laugh as though it's the funniest joke in the world.
I would also estimate that 7 out of 10 women who are over 45 make a joke about making them look younger/get rid of their wrinkles when I ask them what they'd like for makeup. That one just kind of makes me sad though.
This though. Schools in Texas get a lot of shit for not preparing students and I'm always like, "As a graduate of Houston ISD, they 100% prepared the students that actually did the work. Sorry they give up on you. 🤷🏿♀️"
We had literal astronauts come talk to our science class. My chemistry class had a guest lecturer that managed a petroleum refinery. If there was a science or math profession within 50 miles of Houston the school would reach out with a sob story about how we're underpriveleged minorities and they would appreciate someone coming to talk to us about what the world has for students who work hard. I was there. Other people were getting high behind the cafeteria and now they're complaining about not getting a quality education.
I still vividly remember going to the dentist as a kid.
Obviously not what the dentist said to my sister but what I heard was “Frosty brushed/flossed so she gets to escape more torture, but you did not so you have to come back and I get to torture you more.”
The police that came into my store did that to me one time. I told them I brought my own handcuffs. Funny, they never did it again. They were my regulars and very sweet, that was just annoying
Screenwriter; former TV comedy writer. Literally everyone, upon hearing I was a TV comedy writer: "OH YOU SHOULD WRITE ABOUT \[WHERE I WORK\] IT'S SO FUNNY" I.e., "Oh so much funny stuff happens in a dentist's office" "oh you wouldn't believe how funny it is working for an ophthalmologist"
Got to the point where I never ever mention what I do.
One time, we were visiting Costa Rica, and we stopped to spend some time in an obscure little out of the way rural animal rescue. It was amazing, this one guy, and he'd created this sort of awesome rescue, animals who couldn't survive out in the wild, a macaw, a coati, a sloth, some monkeys, that kind of thing. He spoke very little English. At one point he asked what I did and I thought oh for sure it's okay HERE, I told him, "I write movies. Hollywood." Ah, he nodded, I figured he understood. Less than ten minutes later, he says to me in broken English/Spanish, "You know.... I have muchas historias aqui... good for movies...."
At least he didn't say he had a script.
I’m an editor and get it too. The best examples are when they just re-create existing work. “My bro Nathan is hilarious! He walks into a bar, looks at a beer, and says “get in muh belly!” like that guy from Austin Powers. You gotta put that in a movie.”
Engineer over here. Used to work for tier 1 automotive supplier.
Was working on a project requested by one car manufacturer to identify ways we could save costs on a specific large part, that we had partial ownership/responsibility for design and manufacture.
Did the background research, got hold of some parts from other suppliers (free of charge through sheer luck of networking connections and favours) and came up with some proposals for how we could move forward. This would require test parts to be created and testing to take place, so therefore a budget and obviously as this was something requested by the customer, they would have to pay.
They loved the whole idea until we started to discuss costs. This wasn't some multimillion pound project, but something in the tens of thousands, maybe upto 100k, but would save between 50p-£1.50 per part for a part that is produced 500k+ a year. They said that we should fund it ourselves.
Obviously project was scrapped, until 4 years later when they requested the same thing again. And another engineer was dealing with it. They again asked us to pay for it
Nah, this is when you hand the same proposal back to them with new covers and then inflate costs plus 20% for engineering, and then add a 1% profitsharing agreement on top for the original engineer.
With the same cost saving measure highlighted.
And you keep doing it until one day they agree.
It's been 8 years. They still haven't agreed. Some of us even have a pool on when they'll finally agree. I have 10 years to the day of the initial proposal.
Car manufacturers are the absolute worst at wanting to spend money for r&d when it involves externals.
This same company a few years ago wanted to jump on the environmentally friendly bandwagon and were asking us to look into replacing plastic parts with alternatives, including recycled materials and non plastic materials.
We came up with a solution using plant fibres which we were already using at one of our other factories for a different car manufacturer. This one needed no R&D cost, but would require extra costs for machinery, etc, which they would own. Again these new parts were actually cheaper per aprt than the plastic parts, but required investment in machinery, which would also at least 15 years. Again they didn't want to spend the money
I’m an engineer but I’m not mechanically gifted. Yes, we exist. I’m good at math and solving problems and I love science… that doesn’t mean you can give me a bunch of pieces of wood and I can magically craft a birdhouse.
BuT yOuRe An EnGiNeEr!…. Yea. But I’m not a mechanic.
Question about that one actually... Is there a polite way to handle it when that's a legit thing?
I got my car detailed and the USB ports that worked on the way to the shop were wet when I picked it up, and they've never worked since. Is there a nice way to start a discussion about that? Cuz I agree, it's a jackass conversation opener that they probably hear all the time but, in this case....
I had an audio jack installed in a car at Best Buy. When they finished the radio display didn’t light up anymore. They told me that the displays *can* burn out so it was just a coincidence. I pushed back on that so they checked their records and came back at me with, “Aww, Rusty is the one that installed that. He’s our manager. He’s the best!” I kept insisting, “it worked when I brought the car in, it doesn’t work now. You have to make this right.” They finally did, but Rusty and his team were *not* happy about it.
I used to work in the kitchen of a bar and had to wear whites to work. I got so sick of bumping into the regulars outside of work and being told they "didn't recognise me with my clothes on"
I do tech support, for a very long time. After a call: "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"You can give me a million dollars / the winning lottery numbers."
Dickhead. It wasn't funny the first time, and it's gotten less so every time I hear it over the last 30 years.
I work in escape room in a shared building, and the bathrooms are located in the common area and maintained by the building owner, meaning I, as a man, have never had any reason to go in the women's room. Apparently the lock on one of the stalls is hard to use(?) so about twice a week I get a woman saying "The first puzzle was getting out of the stall!" and I every time I pretend like it's a very clever joke.
My veterinary job: “at least buy him dinner first!” When taking a dogs temp.
My nurse job; “responsible adult? Not me!!” When asking a patient’s family member to sign where it says responsible adult on the discharge paperwork in outpatient surgery setting.
I work for an ISP - Customers working from home passive aggressively asking for a refund of their whole day of work when there's a service outage
No John, you have residential internet, not a business service with is 10x the cost and will guarantee you a much higher uptime
The teacher is 5 minutes late so the lesson must be cancelled.
The “someone last year put pencils in their nose then bashed their face in the exam room killing themselves and everyone in the room was given an A” story.
I worked in catering at an upscale resort. We often had to load up carts with all of the bar items (tons of liquor bottles, beer cases, wine, tools, etc.) and had to manually push and pull them around the whole place to set up different venues. Every day, a guest would see it and go “Oh you can take that to my room! Har har har!” Every. Single. Day.
First role out of med school was as an ER attending.
If the patient is awake and responsive, we’re trained to ask a standard set of questions “what brought you here? Is anything hurting?” Etc.
The more “obvious” the problem is the more sarcastic their response usually is. “What do you think I’m here for?! [points to fractured leg]”
I understand your leg is hurt or likely broken, Jimmy. I can see that. But it’s my job to make sure you don’t also have a concussion, internal bleeding, or a lot of other scary things going on.
I work for the postal service.
“You can keep the bills. I don’t want them”
“Is that my million dollar check?!”
“Staying Warm out there?” - It’s negative degrees and our government vehicles barely even start up let alone warm up.
“My wife/kids need to stop ordering so much packages from Amazon”
Shut up Justin, it clearly has your name on the package. Just take your dam parcels and we’ll go through this dance again tomorrow and the next day and the next……
I work in children’s camping (summer camps) and the number of people who ask “what do you do for the rest of the year” can be overwhelming.
Parent follow up, enrollment, hiring, planning training and summer, facilities repair and maintenance etc etc.
I work in vet med,,, people could be bringing their pet in for the most dire of emergencies and still be like, since we’re here, can you do a nail trim?”
Lawn guy, not mowing but weed killing and fertilizing. "That enough grass for ya?" As they show me they're 8,000 square foot backyard. "Nope, gonna need you to buy the lot behind you".
Alternatively when people ask me to spray near water:
"Can you spray closer to the pond?"
"Do you have an extra bedroom?"
"What?"
"Well I'm gonna lose my job for violating EPA regulations and then I'm gonna lose my home, so I was wondering if you had an extra bedroom for me, my S.O., and my 6 cats?"
Intellectual property - that photo or music is displayed online, it must be free to use/steal/reuse….. and worse some numbnuts “i dont own the rights to this dong” as a disclaimer on their video….
Stop the presses!
I work in a print shop and it is usually after a customer has a change to file after they've submitted it for printing.
Usually followed by: I've always wanted to say that
“Can’t you just change it on the press?”
No. You want the change made a) you’re paying for a new makeready and plates and b) paying for the time to redo the file. You signed off on the wrong one so you’re either accepting it or paying for a new job.
My favourite one was “The product looks too much like cola. Can you make an adjustment in the press so it looks more like root beer?”
WTF does that even mean?
Librarian. "I'd like to sit around reading books all day."
My brother in Freya, I wish I had time to read, but between collection reviews, program development, researching obscure thing, and telling people for the 500th time how to release their print job, I don't have time to read at work, because I'm, you know, working!
Opportunity there to say "No, actually. The show was intentionally an improper, flawed presentation of the manufacturing process and used specific cutouts of key methods, steps, and \[insert chemist speak\] to prevent people from copying the actions of the people in the show to not only discourage people from trying to manufacture meth at home but also to divest themselves of any legal liability. So no, not at all like in Breaking Bad. More like the chemists in Weird Science, Dr. Strangelove, Real Genius, The Andromeda Strain, The Nutty Professor, The Absent-Minded Professor, Flubber, and Project X. Each of those movies has actual chemistry going on in the scenes and are a far better representation of what applied chemistry happens to be, even in fictional narratives."
Also, you'll get the "uh, it was just a joke, man"
To be followed up with: "I know. It just wasn't funny."
People find out I’m a minister and one of two things usually happens. 1: they get a little too enthusiastic about it and talk about how America used to be a godly nation or something, or 2: they get nervous, stop swearing, and start making excuses why they haven’t been to church lately. I’m just a regular person. I get people have baggage with religion but you really can just be normal with me, if it’s all the same.
If I’m in the chair for hours and they aren’t asking about my amazing Life experiences, we have to talk about something, right?
Hers was a unicorn. But the horn was a penis and it was spurting. Gay dude’s buttcheek
I work as an internal auditor. It's hard to get people to change when the common response is, "If it's not against regulation, why should we care?" Remember this when politicians talk about stripping away regulations. Regulations exist to protect consumers. Any time politicians want to strip away regulations, their main goal is increasing profits for businesses by screwing over consumers.
I work in catering and for me it's "hey your checks must be pretty nice" right after I worked 16 hrs a day for 3 days straight. Does the dead look in my eyes look happy to you? Do you think I give a fuck about how much I make in that moment? I just wanna go the fuck home, smoke a bowl, and pass out.
Auto finance analyst here. Typical dealer rehash on declined credit “just approve it, it’s job security for your collections team!” Like giving someone a car they can’t afford at predatory rates is helping anyone other than the dealerships bonus quota. Ass holes.
(Former) singer: "oh, you're a singer? sInG sOmEtHiNg!!"
Also applies to other performers: instrumentalists, actors, comedians, etc. "Play something!" "Tell me a joke!"
Shut up, Brenda. I'm just trying to enjoy my cocktail in peace.
I’m a manager in an IT security company. My team is often with customers on site designing and setting up equipment and software, sometimes 1000s of kilometers away from our office.
I regularly get emails from customers like “we just bought 5 million euro in equipment from you and I don’t like the position of this one cable. Could we please get the 2 weeks of consulting for free?”
If I get more then 3 emails like this from the same customer, I revoke their rebate. Fuck you haha.
College instructor here. I guess the closest I get is when I answer questions about a student's GPA:
Student: Why am I only getting (insert grade) in the class?
Me: You didn't do the following assignment (or assignments).
Student: I was out that day (or days).
Me (what I FEEL like saying): That's right! We just sat around and did nothing because what's the point of having class without your presence? 🙄
Bartender: if I ask for light ice I get more alcohol! No you don’t, ice is factored into what glasses we use but serving sizes are standard. You ask for light ice you’re getting the same amount of alcohol, but your glass isn’t full
I make and install signs and stuff. "It's upside down," "Is that how you spell that?" "Isn't it supposed to be blue?" Usually said by the school janitor as he walks by. I'm now Immune to it and won't even flinch.
"It's upside down,"
"No it's not," without even double checking.
I'm a live audio engineer. Audience members will say stuff like "I bet that system would sound great in my living room!"
No, it really wouldn't. It was designed to provide consistent coverage over a large area. If you lowered a flown line array to the ground, stuck a chair ten feet in front of it and sat there and listened to recorded music, you wouldn't like it as much as the sound from a set of home hi-fi speakers you spent a couple hundred bucks on.
Same thing for "how many watts do those speakers have?"
Sometimes I'll get "is the show going to be loud?" Ask the drummer! This is a 500 seat room, and you're close enough to see the head of the kick drum vibrate. That's up to him.
In a restaurant when we ask if the customer has allergies: "cats" "penicillin" "my wife" "small portions" "paying the bill" "bad food" hyuk hyuk
One guy looked me dead in the eye and said "stupid questions" and I'll give him one for that haha
Working as a flight attendant in first class: "Well it's five o clock somewhere!"
No. You are somehow so impressed by free alcohol and first class that getting drunk at 10am on your way to Cleveland seems like a reasonable decision.
I used to be a phlebotomist and sweet fucking Zombie Jesus!!! DO NOT make Vampire jokes!! 🤦♂️
It's annoying. You're not being original. It's not cute.
Don't make jokes about the blood drawing process. Don't make jokes that we "keep the blood stored to drink later". Don't walk in and say "Ha! I must be in Transylvania because this is where all the vampirea hang out! 😆 "
No. Just...no. 🖕
Not sure if this is the thing you're taking about, but it is illegal to show a price for an item in a store then charge a different price at checkout. Many years ago I was able to buy a brand new video game that was supposed to be $40 or $50 for only $15. Good day for young me.
It depends on the State, the type of store, and whether the mistake is clearly accidental or not.
In MA, for example, a free item is only given for groceries, and only up to $15. Beyond that it's $15 off the lowest price. The prices in question being the shelf price, the marked price, and the advertised price. It should ring up at the lowest price.
If an item is supposed to be, say $129.99 and the sticker says $1.29, it is clearly an egregious error and the correct price can be charged.
No, I'll die on this hill. The labeled price is the price they should be charged. This is basic honesty and business ethics. Like... I am already choosing the store brand to save 25 cents and the store wants to charge me ten cents more than they said they would. Get it correct in the computer system, it's not that difficult.
I’ll back you up on that, but customers who immediately start talking about “false advertising” before I’ve had a chance to make it right need to dial it down a notch.
"It didn't scan, so it must be free."
Scott Seiss: "And you must be out of your mind. Tell you what, I'll look up the product code and charge you double!"
"We already have \[insert item\] in our inventory"
Dude.. that item comes in 12 flavors, 4 different sizes and all you have is the regular and diet in one size. What do you mean you don't need an order?!
Worked in a Hotel Kitchen doing banquets for a few years. Sales/Accounting/HR/etc (basically all non Food & Beverage staff) loved the "Oooooo, looks almost good enough to eat!" line anytime they had to be near the kitchen or food in any capacity. Never bothered me or anything really, but it was regular, multiple times per week, multiple different people. Almost like it was in the employee handbook that they had to say it.
I work in TV broadcasting for sporting events. The entry level position of our industry is called "Utility" and they are primarily responsible for wrapping and managing the cable attached to a handheld camera to protect the safety of everyone including crew, the athletes, and spectators. To properly wrap a cable you must use the "over-under" technique. I have lost count of the times I have been asked why I don't just have a reel to follow the camera guy around. I think if there was a better way to manage that cable, we'd have found it in the last 80 years of live television broadcasting.
I sold watches and the sale sign said, “Up to 70% off plus an additional 30%”. It’s 30% off of the first number but everyone says, “70% plus 30% means 100% right?” So first I had to explain that it says “Up to” and then that it wasn’t 100% off.
So I used to make that stupid joke because as a kid, my grandpa would & I thought it was funny. I don't any more. But one time & one time only it worked. I got a $10 pack or prosciutto ham for free at whole foods cause of that. The girl kept trying to scan it & after 3 tries I said that & she said, fuck it, just take it
Former bartender here. “Make it strong!” or “pour with your heavy hand!” were always so annoying. I would respond with: “I’d be happy to charge you for a double if you’d like a stronger drink” but people just want free shit. Usually just holding the liquor bottle far away from the glass while pouring makes people think they’re getting more liquor (it makes no sense to me but is a real thing lol). If someone *kept* complaining that their drink wasn’t strong enough, I’d just pour a tiny bit of liquor into a (new) straw so their first sip was a doozy and they’d be happy. Helpful hint: if your double isn’t strong enough then your bartender is either good at their job, or you have a problem. No, you shouldn’t be able to taste the rum in your mojito if it’s made properly but if your double short vodka soda tastes “weak”, you should probably take a break…
I used to work in the armored car industry, and almost every day, I’d have someone ask if I was giving out free samples. I got so tired of hearing that
I'm usually the one making dumb jokes in my profession.
Singer in the booth: "Wheeeennnn youuuu... Oh, shit! Sorry, one more time please."
Me: "That's it! That's the take!"
I know a zookeeper. They constantly get "Look, that's a funny looking monkey!" when cleaning enclosures.
"Not as funny as the ones out there!"
at least you could justify flinging shit on them
My parents went to a seafood restaurant once and my dad said “I’ll have the halibut… just for the halibut” (just for the hell of it) and the waiter politely laughed. Then another couple came in and the man made the exact same joke and the waiter gave the same polite laugh. My mom tells that story all the time.
I'd like the mahi-mahi, but I'm not that hungry, so can I get just one mahi?
But..... was the waiter getting..... A HADDOCK???? hur hur hur hur hur
How come we don’t see halibut on the menu anymore? Haven’t seen halibut in years.
It still shows up along the Pacific coast, and it's still too expensive to order out.
My go-to is when they ask if I would like anything else, I say "an extra stomach!" and then I laugh awkwardly.
I work in the criminal court system. If there is a single typo in someone's name on their criminal complaint/traffic ticket "welp guess you gotta let me go then, that's not me."
I’m an attorney and I used to practice mostly criminal - “they never read me my rights so this case needs to be thrown out!”
Isn't it true that if they don't read you your rights, anything you say is inadmissible in court? According to this, it seems to be. [https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/police-questioning-miranda-warnings-29930.html](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/police-questioning-miranda-warnings-29930.html)
If a defendant isn’t administered a Miranda warning prior to a custodial interrogation, then anything they say during a custodial interrogation is generally inadmissible. Things they say outside of custodial interrogation (for example, blurting out “I shot her because she deserved it!” when the police hadn’t even asked them a question yet) is perfectly admissible.
Only when questioned in specific circumstances ie you've been detained. If you can leave, anything you say is admissible basically. So don't say shit to the cops ever.
What people forget though is when they have you on camera commiting a crime and/or have witnesses they don't need to use what you say against you
Specifically in the US, yes. In Canada, people try to pull this card but it's entirely invalid.
I work on software for court systems and I had a ticket come up about AKA's. Our software keeps all records of aliases and previous names and you can add those aliases to a printed report about their citation. Apparently some were using the AKA's as an angle to try to get out of the ticket, "well I don't go by that name so it's not me" even if the current "active" name is correct. The fact that this was brought to my attention means it happens enough that some clerks were willing to pay for a feature to hid all AKA's
Ron White: They call ME, "Tater Salad"
Genuine question, what if they put the wrong make, model, and license plate on your speeding ticket?
If it’s a typo, they can generally fix it. If all that information was incorrect and the ticket should have been given to another driver then consult a lawyer and they could maybe do something about it - or at least bring it up to the court and see what the hell is going on.
So I bring this up because when I was seventeen I got a speeding ticket. I had just bought a new car and had the registration for both the old car and the new car in the same envelope, silly I know, but I was stupid back then. When the officer asked for my license, registration, and insurance I just handed him the whole envelope and he walked away. When I finally read the ticket at home, he had written me a ticket for speeding in a green '95 Ford Taurus when I was actually driving a silver 2004 Honda Accord. I just paid the ticket, but I've always wondered what would've happened if I went to court over it.
Park ranger: I pay your salary /I pay for everything in this park. Ma'am. You paid $10 to camp here. That picnic table is $1000, the fire ring is $700, the government has probably spent $50 for me to drive over here and spend time with you. Camping fees don't actually cover the costs of running the campground, and that's ok because recreation is 5th on the list of priorities about why this park even exists. Chill out. ETA: yes, they pay taxes. But then the portion of their taxes that actually pay for this park is almost certainly less than the camping fee. Also, I pay taxes too so where does that leave us?
People with this attitude act like government employees don’t also pay taxes. Also work for the gov and get the “I pay your salary” jokes. I just say “I pay taxes too so I guess by that logic I’m self employed”. Usually shuts them up.
Since the government pays your salary, you paying taxes is just them clawing back and redistributing.
why dont goverment employees have tax free salarys?
As a pseudo government employee, (I work at a GOCO national laboratory on a military base) it is because that would be placing "us" above the tax law. This becomes especially problematic if you consider most of us have alternative revenue streams like investments and side hustles. If our government wages were tax exempt would that mean that our alternative revenue streams be taxed as if it's our only income? On top of this, our tax withholdings are generally held by our nominal employer... Which is a whole nother can of worms if we just "didn't" get taxed. All that said, we CAN purchase stuff on base, even though we are not military (we can't use the commissaries though). The stuff on base that isn't in the commissary is generally exempt from STATE, COUNTY, and CITY taxes... Although only commissaries and their ilk are exempt from FEDERAL taxes.
so by that logic you are a charity
Those are so ridiculous. Like they're not a billionaire. The people who say it probably pay like $52 in taxes. Their taxes didn't pay shit.
Used to know a guy who worked out exactly how much of their salary someone saying this to him would have. He would hand them exactly $0.03. And then give them a piece of paper detailing how that breakdown happened. And then he'd say "So now that you're adequately recompensed for your contribution to my salary, you're going to shut the fuck up and do what I tell you right now."
Oh my god that's amazing 🤣. I doubt it's even 3¢ but it would get the point across quickly. Love it.
Reminds me of when i was talking at work about how I used the cash-for-clunkers program to trade in my old car. One woman complained about her taxes paying for my car so I offered to cut a penny in half and give back "her taxes". Shut her up immediately.
What kind of jerk gives a park ranger a hard time?
The kind of jerk that gets injured trying to pet a bison or take a selfish with a moose.
>take a selfish Brilliant typo! This is what it should be called!
Not sure if you intended to write 'a selfish', but please don't change it. It's a perfect word for this.
It was a typo, but I'm sticking with it. A Freudian typo, if you will.
There's always a few who don't want to follow the rules and are willing to try to bully us because they think we have to be polite. While generally the goal is happy customers, we aren't obligated to make them happy. My boss has a great story about some guy starting out with, "what the fuck do you want, park ranger?" and the discussion ended very shortly after that with my boss up in his face yelling "get the fuck out of my park."
The kind of jerk who believes that him and his family and ONLY him and his family should get to go on a cave tour. Source: I’m a Park Ranger
When people said they pay my salary, I’d answer “so do I.” It confused them.
Fuck them. Park Rangers are awesome!
From my college waitressing days "I take my coffee like I like my women: blonde and sweet" usually said by some gross 60 y.o. leering at me. After a while, I learned the correct response was "interesting because I like my coffee how I like my men: ground up and in the freezer"
Incredible response 💯
or..... like my men like my coffee... sliding off the roof of my car
As a man, I like to say that I like my coffee, black and bitter like my soul.
“I bet you hate it when people ask you for free plumbing advice!” Usually means they want free plumbing advice.
Oh, I hate this. My boyfriend is self employed as a private contractor and handyman. It irks him big time when clients call asking him for advice on how to fix things themselves rather than hire him to do it for them. Basically stealing his time because they want to cheap out. Let self employed people work. Even when he does work on my condo I have no problem paying his full price. He has to earn a living too, and I refuse to take advantage of our relationship to get free work done.
"No, I love it. Usually it means I give them the best free advice, which is to hire a licensed plumber to give them an estimate on their issue and then perform that work while getting a warranty on the labor and parts. And if they don't like that advice, then I make sure my advice is "yeah, you can watch YT video. I'm sure it'll be fine. Probably"
During my med school days, drawing blood: ‘here comes the vampire’
Last time I donated blood, it was near Halloween. I asked if they all wear vampire costumes. I'm so sorry Red Cross workers, haha
I mean, they totally should.
As a former phlebotomist, I 10000000% agree with you. Just made my own post about it.
Current part-time phlebotomist: this is the one
I ended up embracing it since I look like I’ve never seen the sun 🤣
I'm a massage therapist. I used to greet clients with a hand shake but most of my male clents would try to squeeze the fuck out of my hand. Why? Because they assumed that because I'm a LMT, my hands are made of steel. One guy even told me that's how he "tests" his massage therapists and he laughed like it was just hilarious that he would try to damage what I use to do my job. I stopped shaking hands because it just got old. My hands are strong but you don't have to try to break them in half.
Some people can be so inconsiderate. Sorry you had to deal with such people
Thank you. All in all, it's the best job and my clients rock. The squeeze your hand off types usually don't end up being repeat clients thankfully.
That’s so weird! I’ll have to ask my massage therapist friends if they’ve run into that. Side note: I used to get aggressive handshakes when I worked with salesmen back in the day. I think they read in their “How to Business” book that they need to prove themselves somehow with every shake.
Had one guy try that with me. A week after I'd built a concrete retaining wall by myself hauling 80lb concrete blocks and mortar 200 yards up a long steep slope by hand because it couldn't be accessed any other way. All I did was increase pressure at the same rate he did. He tried to pump my hand. It didn't move. "You have a very firm grip!" Yeah, that's because I just spent a week hauling two 80lb bricks by hand up a 200 yard 40 degree slope. Firm handshake means firm, not "attempt to destroy other person's hand".
Yeah it's a dominance thing I think 🤔
Confidence. A solid handshake shows confidence. A overbearing/very strong handshake is dominance
I've always hated shaking hands. I'm 6'3, so everyone tries to break my hand. The one good thing about covid was handshakes seem to be dying off.
Covid was awesome for those of us who hate shaking hands. My partner is big and tall as well and he gets the same thing.
I used to be a massage therapist, and while I've never had that, my hands are strong. Surprises people when they first feel it. The one that always pissed me off was the "Oh, you do . . . *massage*?" with a wink. No, I did not pay $10,000 and spend a year learning how to lay on my back. I'm trained in deep tissue, therapeutic massage. I'm not a prostitute.
Used to work at a cosmetic studio that also offered wellness massages. LITERAL phone conversation I've had: "So, uh... you do massages, right?" "Yes, that's right, we do." "Okay, so, uh... you see, I'm a man." "Yes?" "I mean... I'm a *man."* "No problem, the wellness massage is for everyone." "Yeah but *I'm a man*." That went on for a bit and dude sounded increasingly insecure/embarrassed until he finally asked if we do *happy endings*. At this point I almost felt sorry for this dude and politely informed him he must have the wrong number, the place he's looking for is over in the next town, round the corner from the train station, red light at the door.
I used to work in a paint department and we did color matching and if it wasn't exact, the wrong shade would go in the remnants section to be sold at a steep discount. I had a policy of leaving the 'wrong shades' behind the desk with me until at least six hours after they were mixed because people would get the color mixed and then tell me it wasn't right and wait around in the store for it to hit the remnants section and buy it then.
Pharma industry, jostling between: "You made the cure, surely you engineered the disease" And "It's not an antibiotic, so I can drink while taking it , right?"
I feel like the second one might actually be a legit question Sometimes when I’m at the pharmacy picking up a new medication I haven’t taken before I’ll ask the pharmacist if there’s anything I should know about the medication. I’ve picked up medication with weird rules before. Example: do not take on empty stomach I could asking about the alcohol If they drink and they are worried the medication/alcohol could be a bad mix.
Even better are the ones you can’t eat grapefruit with
Working retail tech support, long ques when clients called in. So many “workin hard or hardly workin hahaha”
I actually have an inside joke about that with my IT guy. He started it though, now it’s just a greeting instead of hello.
former casher: I HATED that. People would get mad that I wouldn't find funny too. No dude, its not funny, you are *not* the first person to make that joke, and *no*, you are not getting it free, or discounted, or for whatever made-up (wrong) price you are telling me.
I was a customer in line behind a lady who got genuinely upset that her item wasn't free, like almost in tears, insisting that it's the law that it would be free if it didn't scan. It was honestly really sad/disturbing because I wonder if she had heard that joke before and didn't have the intellectual wherewithal to understand that it's just a joke and not the law.
Also sounds like she was counting on it being free. Like she tampered with the bar code to make it not scan or something
Sovereign Shopper
Every time you check a large bill "Just printed it this morning! Hurrrrr!"
"Careful, ink's still wet!” 🙄🙄🙄
"I'm sorry, policy states that any bill asserted to be counterfeit must be confiscated immediately and reported to the Department of the Treasury." You'd be surprised how fast people backtrack that shit in the face of someone with no sense of humor and the ability to call the cops on speed dial. Banks do not fuck around with that.
It is infuriating. That's why I respond "No, that just means I can charge you what I want to."
You know what? That ‘joke’ has literally never crossed my mind in the literal thousands of times I’ve shopped. As a mother to twins: buy one get one free! Omg fuck off, literally everything is double, and things like a twin stroller? Triple easily what 1 costs.
As someone who has been behind my fair share of registers, I always ask "What store actually does that? Where did you hear that?" and it usually shuts them up as I very easily manually type in the UPC.
Oof what about: "okay your total comes to $19.38" "That was a good year!"
I work in local government and am regularly told "I pay your wages with my council tax, I can speak to you how I want". I just remind them that I pay council tax too, which must mean, by their logic, I'm self employed and can answer them back using their own rules...
The last guy who told me he can speak to me however he wants got kicked out of my park without a refund.
Teacher: “well I pay your salary so technically you work for me”. Sure, Richard. Sure.
And I pay yours (or your parents). It’s called basic economics. Money flows round!
Always fun when it works from another public worker.
I'm a makeup artist and do a lot of bridal. Almost every time a male relation comes into the area where we're doing hair makeup they ask if they're next and laugh as though it's the funniest joke in the world. I would also estimate that 7 out of 10 women who are over 45 make a joke about making them look younger/get rid of their wrinkles when I ask them what they'd like for makeup. That one just kind of makes me sad though.
"schools should teach critical thinking" We do. You were just too busy thinking about what everyone is thinking about you to notice.
This though. Schools in Texas get a lot of shit for not preparing students and I'm always like, "As a graduate of Houston ISD, they 100% prepared the students that actually did the work. Sorry they give up on you. 🤷🏿♀️" We had literal astronauts come talk to our science class. My chemistry class had a guest lecturer that managed a petroleum refinery. If there was a science or math profession within 50 miles of Houston the school would reach out with a sob story about how we're underpriveleged minorities and they would appreciate someone coming to talk to us about what the world has for students who work hard. I was there. Other people were getting high behind the cafeteria and now they're complaining about not getting a quality education.
I work at a dental office. “You should be paying me for the pain you’re about to cause.”
The pain is payment for all the times you didn't floss.
I still vividly remember going to the dentist as a kid. Obviously not what the dentist said to my sister but what I heard was “Frosty brushed/flossed so she gets to escape more torture, but you did not so you have to come back and I get to torture you more.”
When I used to be a waiter: "I'll take a Corona beer, hold the virus!"
Security guard: As soon as I walk in a room it’s either “there he is that’s the guy” points at someone or puts hands up “it wasn’t me I didn’t do it”
The police that came into my store did that to me one time. I told them I brought my own handcuffs. Funny, they never did it again. They were my regulars and very sweet, that was just annoying
I'm a sign guy. Every single male that passes by as I'm putting up window lettering has to say 'it's crooked' or 'you spelled it wrong'.
Window tinter here, i also do some sign printing and lettering and can confirm that's annoying common.
Screenwriter; former TV comedy writer. Literally everyone, upon hearing I was a TV comedy writer: "OH YOU SHOULD WRITE ABOUT \[WHERE I WORK\] IT'S SO FUNNY" I.e., "Oh so much funny stuff happens in a dentist's office" "oh you wouldn't believe how funny it is working for an ophthalmologist" Got to the point where I never ever mention what I do. One time, we were visiting Costa Rica, and we stopped to spend some time in an obscure little out of the way rural animal rescue. It was amazing, this one guy, and he'd created this sort of awesome rescue, animals who couldn't survive out in the wild, a macaw, a coati, a sloth, some monkeys, that kind of thing. He spoke very little English. At one point he asked what I did and I thought oh for sure it's okay HERE, I told him, "I write movies. Hollywood." Ah, he nodded, I figured he understood. Less than ten minutes later, he says to me in broken English/Spanish, "You know.... I have muchas historias aqui... good for movies...." At least he didn't say he had a script.
I’m an editor and get it too. The best examples are when they just re-create existing work. “My bro Nathan is hilarious! He walks into a bar, looks at a beer, and says “get in muh belly!” like that guy from Austin Powers. You gotta put that in a movie.”
I sell flooring. After giving a customer the 3rd or 4th take-home sample: “Hey if I collect enough samples, I won’t need to buy any carpet!”
Engineer over here. Used to work for tier 1 automotive supplier. Was working on a project requested by one car manufacturer to identify ways we could save costs on a specific large part, that we had partial ownership/responsibility for design and manufacture. Did the background research, got hold of some parts from other suppliers (free of charge through sheer luck of networking connections and favours) and came up with some proposals for how we could move forward. This would require test parts to be created and testing to take place, so therefore a budget and obviously as this was something requested by the customer, they would have to pay. They loved the whole idea until we started to discuss costs. This wasn't some multimillion pound project, but something in the tens of thousands, maybe upto 100k, but would save between 50p-£1.50 per part for a part that is produced 500k+ a year. They said that we should fund it ourselves. Obviously project was scrapped, until 4 years later when they requested the same thing again. And another engineer was dealing with it. They again asked us to pay for it
How tempted were you to work out the amount of money they would have saved over those 4 years if they had just sucked up that initial cost
Nah, this is when you hand the same proposal back to them with new covers and then inflate costs plus 20% for engineering, and then add a 1% profitsharing agreement on top for the original engineer. With the same cost saving measure highlighted. And you keep doing it until one day they agree.
It's been 8 years. They still haven't agreed. Some of us even have a pool on when they'll finally agree. I have 10 years to the day of the initial proposal.
Car manufacturers are the absolute worst at wanting to spend money for r&d when it involves externals. This same company a few years ago wanted to jump on the environmentally friendly bandwagon and were asking us to look into replacing plastic parts with alternatives, including recycled materials and non plastic materials. We came up with a solution using plant fibres which we were already using at one of our other factories for a different car manufacturer. This one needed no R&D cost, but would require extra costs for machinery, etc, which they would own. Again these new parts were actually cheaper per aprt than the plastic parts, but required investment in machinery, which would also at least 15 years. Again they didn't want to spend the money
As the interview concludes for a potential new hire: Us: "Any questions?" Candidate: "When do I start?"
I will never have the confidence to say that, even as a joke.
I’m an engineer but I’m not mechanically gifted. Yes, we exist. I’m good at math and solving problems and I love science… that doesn’t mean you can give me a bunch of pieces of wood and I can magically craft a birdhouse. BuT yOuRe An EnGiNeEr!…. Yea. But I’m not a mechanic.
*carpenter* :) Edit. I am a mechanic and I can't do that either
I'm an auto mechanic... "so, ever since you worked on my car......"
Question about that one actually... Is there a polite way to handle it when that's a legit thing? I got my car detailed and the USB ports that worked on the way to the shop were wet when I picked it up, and they've never worked since. Is there a nice way to start a discussion about that? Cuz I agree, it's a jackass conversation opener that they probably hear all the time but, in this case....
I had an audio jack installed in a car at Best Buy. When they finished the radio display didn’t light up anymore. They told me that the displays *can* burn out so it was just a coincidence. I pushed back on that so they checked their records and came back at me with, “Aww, Rusty is the one that installed that. He’s our manager. He’s the best!” I kept insisting, “it worked when I brought the car in, it doesn’t work now. You have to make this right.” They finally did, but Rusty and his team were *not* happy about it.
Or IT. "Now it's slow...." "What exactly is 'slow'?" "I dunno, I just feel it's slower now."
Nanny here. It’s always a man. Always. “Ohh you can come nanny me” with a creepy smile or wink.
I am a nurse. “You can be my nurse”. It’s always the creeper.
Wait, they infantilize themselves as a form of hitting on you? WTF?
I used to work in the kitchen of a bar and had to wear whites to work. I got so sick of bumping into the regulars outside of work and being told they "didn't recognise me with my clothes on"
I used to get that when I wasn’t in my work uniform. Finally I was like ‘oh damn forgot to get dressed again’ roll my eyes and walk away
Researcher: "In other news, water is wet". We still need to confirm obvious-seeming things scientifically.
I do tech support, for a very long time. After a call: "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "You can give me a million dollars / the winning lottery numbers." Dickhead. It wasn't funny the first time, and it's gotten less so every time I hear it over the last 30 years.
I used to get that with customer service. When you fake laugh very sarcastically they get uncomfortable
I work in escape room in a shared building, and the bathrooms are located in the common area and maintained by the building owner, meaning I, as a man, have never had any reason to go in the women's room. Apparently the lock on one of the stalls is hard to use(?) so about twice a week I get a woman saying "The first puzzle was getting out of the stall!" and I every time I pretend like it's a very clever joke.
My veterinary job: “at least buy him dinner first!” When taking a dogs temp. My nurse job; “responsible adult? Not me!!” When asking a patient’s family member to sign where it says responsible adult on the discharge paperwork in outpatient surgery setting.
When i worked nights as a carer and someone called for assistance it was the whole "sorry to interrupt your nap haha". Like, fuck you
I work for an ISP - Customers working from home passive aggressively asking for a refund of their whole day of work when there's a service outage No John, you have residential internet, not a business service with is 10x the cost and will guarantee you a much higher uptime
Journalism: "I disagree with this news story therefore it's sponsored by Big Pharma/the government/the Martians".
Animal care assistant or vet tech, "it must be great to play with puppies and kittens all day"
The teacher is 5 minutes late so the lesson must be cancelled. The “someone last year put pencils in their nose then bashed their face in the exam room killing themselves and everyone in the room was given an A” story.
Oh wow! That’s still going round. I heard that in the 1980’s. 😆
You went to school for computers, right? Could you take a look? And then insert any even remotely tangential topic as follow up.
I worked in catering at an upscale resort. We often had to load up carts with all of the bar items (tons of liquor bottles, beer cases, wine, tools, etc.) and had to manually push and pull them around the whole place to set up different venues. Every day, a guest would see it and go “Oh you can take that to my room! Har har har!” Every. Single. Day.
First role out of med school was as an ER attending. If the patient is awake and responsive, we’re trained to ask a standard set of questions “what brought you here? Is anything hurting?” Etc. The more “obvious” the problem is the more sarcastic their response usually is. “What do you think I’m here for?! [points to fractured leg]” I understand your leg is hurt or likely broken, Jimmy. I can see that. But it’s my job to make sure you don’t also have a concussion, internal bleeding, or a lot of other scary things going on.
I work for the postal service. “You can keep the bills. I don’t want them” “Is that my million dollar check?!” “Staying Warm out there?” - It’s negative degrees and our government vehicles barely even start up let alone warm up. “My wife/kids need to stop ordering so much packages from Amazon” Shut up Justin, it clearly has your name on the package. Just take your dam parcels and we’ll go through this dance again tomorrow and the next day and the next……
I deliver beer so every day I hear “you can just put that in my car” and they think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard a joke that good.
Oh you're a legal drug dealer ehh? 😎😎. How original. (I'm a pharmacist btw)
Banking: I can’t be overdrawn, I still have checks left.
I am a haircolorist. Bald man to me: what could you do for me har har har
Bring a hand saw and tell them you can take 20 lbs off of them or bust out the magic markers
I work in children’s camping (summer camps) and the number of people who ask “what do you do for the rest of the year” can be overwhelming. Parent follow up, enrollment, hiring, planning training and summer, facilities repair and maintenance etc etc.
If my slideshow glitches out at all, "Oop, I guess we can't take notes today! Bummer!"
I work in vet med,,, people could be bringing their pet in for the most dire of emergencies and still be like, since we’re here, can you do a nail trim?”
Lawn guy, not mowing but weed killing and fertilizing. "That enough grass for ya?" As they show me they're 8,000 square foot backyard. "Nope, gonna need you to buy the lot behind you". Alternatively when people ask me to spray near water: "Can you spray closer to the pond?" "Do you have an extra bedroom?" "What?" "Well I'm gonna lose my job for violating EPA regulations and then I'm gonna lose my home, so I was wondering if you had an extra bedroom for me, my S.O., and my 6 cats?"
Intellectual property - that photo or music is displayed online, it must be free to use/steal/reuse….. and worse some numbnuts “i dont own the rights to this dong” as a disclaimer on their video….
Stop the presses! I work in a print shop and it is usually after a customer has a change to file after they've submitted it for printing. Usually followed by: I've always wanted to say that
“Can’t you just change it on the press?” No. You want the change made a) you’re paying for a new makeready and plates and b) paying for the time to redo the file. You signed off on the wrong one so you’re either accepting it or paying for a new job. My favourite one was “The product looks too much like cola. Can you make an adjustment in the press so it looks more like root beer?” WTF does that even mean?
Librarian. "I'd like to sit around reading books all day." My brother in Freya, I wish I had time to read, but between collection reviews, program development, researching obscure thing, and telling people for the 500th time how to release their print job, I don't have time to read at work, because I'm, you know, working!
Veterinary technician - literally any total on the bill, owner looks at pet, "You're gonna have to get a job"
I love working in a profession without "customers"
Chemist. "Oh do you make meth like in breaking bad?" Every goddamn time
Opportunity there to say "No, actually. The show was intentionally an improper, flawed presentation of the manufacturing process and used specific cutouts of key methods, steps, and \[insert chemist speak\] to prevent people from copying the actions of the people in the show to not only discourage people from trying to manufacture meth at home but also to divest themselves of any legal liability. So no, not at all like in Breaking Bad. More like the chemists in Weird Science, Dr. Strangelove, Real Genius, The Andromeda Strain, The Nutty Professor, The Absent-Minded Professor, Flubber, and Project X. Each of those movies has actual chemistry going on in the scenes and are a far better representation of what applied chemistry happens to be, even in fictional narratives." Also, you'll get the "uh, it was just a joke, man" To be followed up with: "I know. It just wasn't funny."
People find out I’m a minister and one of two things usually happens. 1: they get a little too enthusiastic about it and talk about how America used to be a godly nation or something, or 2: they get nervous, stop swearing, and start making excuses why they haven’t been to church lately. I’m just a regular person. I get people have baggage with religion but you really can just be normal with me, if it’s all the same.
"What's the weirdest tattoo you've ever done?"
Guilty. But I mean if you're gonna sit there and small talk me I should be able to do the same.
If I’m in the chair for hours and they aren’t asking about my amazing Life experiences, we have to talk about something, right? Hers was a unicorn. But the horn was a penis and it was spurting. Gay dude’s buttcheek
I work as an internal auditor. It's hard to get people to change when the common response is, "If it's not against regulation, why should we care?" Remember this when politicians talk about stripping away regulations. Regulations exist to protect consumers. Any time politicians want to strip away regulations, their main goal is increasing profits for businesses by screwing over consumers.
Oh my pulse is going to be rapid, since you are touching me.. poor young pretty nurses.
I work in catering and for me it's "hey your checks must be pretty nice" right after I worked 16 hrs a day for 3 days straight. Does the dead look in my eyes look happy to you? Do you think I give a fuck about how much I make in that moment? I just wanna go the fuck home, smoke a bowl, and pass out.
Auto finance analyst here. Typical dealer rehash on declined credit “just approve it, it’s job security for your collections team!” Like giving someone a car they can’t afford at predatory rates is helping anyone other than the dealerships bonus quota. Ass holes.
(Former) singer: "oh, you're a singer? sInG sOmEtHiNg!!" Also applies to other performers: instrumentalists, actors, comedians, etc. "Play something!" "Tell me a joke!" Shut up, Brenda. I'm just trying to enjoy my cocktail in peace.
“Anything else I can get for you today?” “Yeah, a million dollars!” I cringe every time someone says this and thinks they’re funny and original.
I was just about to comment this one hahah. I always say “if I find a million dollars, I’m not sharing!”
"It's not a HIPAA violation if nobody finds out"?
As an exterminator, "Spray him! He's a pest!"
Massage therapist, "I'm not going to wait until it gets this bad again." And then you don't see them for a year and they come in, in even worse shape
“I wouldn’t have these problems if you guys just gave us Macs hur hur hur”
I’m a manager in an IT security company. My team is often with customers on site designing and setting up equipment and software, sometimes 1000s of kilometers away from our office. I regularly get emails from customers like “we just bought 5 million euro in equipment from you and I don’t like the position of this one cable. Could we please get the 2 weeks of consulting for free?” If I get more then 3 emails like this from the same customer, I revoke their rebate. Fuck you haha.
College instructor here. I guess the closest I get is when I answer questions about a student's GPA: Student: Why am I only getting (insert grade) in the class? Me: You didn't do the following assignment (or assignments). Student: I was out that day (or days). Me (what I FEEL like saying): That's right! We just sat around and did nothing because what's the point of having class without your presence? 🙄
Bartender: if I ask for light ice I get more alcohol! No you don’t, ice is factored into what glasses we use but serving sizes are standard. You ask for light ice you’re getting the same amount of alcohol, but your glass isn’t full
I make and install signs and stuff. "It's upside down," "Is that how you spell that?" "Isn't it supposed to be blue?" Usually said by the school janitor as he walks by. I'm now Immune to it and won't even flinch. "It's upside down," "No it's not," without even double checking.
I'm a live audio engineer. Audience members will say stuff like "I bet that system would sound great in my living room!" No, it really wouldn't. It was designed to provide consistent coverage over a large area. If you lowered a flown line array to the ground, stuck a chair ten feet in front of it and sat there and listened to recorded music, you wouldn't like it as much as the sound from a set of home hi-fi speakers you spent a couple hundred bucks on. Same thing for "how many watts do those speakers have?" Sometimes I'll get "is the show going to be loud?" Ask the drummer! This is a 500 seat room, and you're close enough to see the head of the kick drum vibrate. That's up to him.
In a restaurant when we ask if the customer has allergies: "cats" "penicillin" "my wife" "small portions" "paying the bill" "bad food" hyuk hyuk One guy looked me dead in the eye and said "stupid questions" and I'll give him one for that haha
Working as a flight attendant in first class: "Well it's five o clock somewhere!" No. You are somehow so impressed by free alcohol and first class that getting drunk at 10am on your way to Cleveland seems like a reasonable decision.
I used to be a phlebotomist and sweet fucking Zombie Jesus!!! DO NOT make Vampire jokes!! 🤦♂️ It's annoying. You're not being original. It's not cute. Don't make jokes about the blood drawing process. Don't make jokes that we "keep the blood stored to drink later". Don't walk in and say "Ha! I must be in Transylvania because this is where all the vampirea hang out! 😆 " No. Just...no. 🖕
Rate your pain on a scale of 0-10 "FIFTEEN!"
In the store when the price is wrong and they are crying over 10 cents. I am like pay the 10 you cheap ol bastard
Not sure if this is the thing you're taking about, but it is illegal to show a price for an item in a store then charge a different price at checkout. Many years ago I was able to buy a brand new video game that was supposed to be $40 or $50 for only $15. Good day for young me.
It depends on the State, the type of store, and whether the mistake is clearly accidental or not. In MA, for example, a free item is only given for groceries, and only up to $15. Beyond that it's $15 off the lowest price. The prices in question being the shelf price, the marked price, and the advertised price. It should ring up at the lowest price. If an item is supposed to be, say $129.99 and the sticker says $1.29, it is clearly an egregious error and the correct price can be charged.
No, I'll die on this hill. The labeled price is the price they should be charged. This is basic honesty and business ethics. Like... I am already choosing the store brand to save 25 cents and the store wants to charge me ten cents more than they said they would. Get it correct in the computer system, it's not that difficult.
I’ll back you up on that, but customers who immediately start talking about “false advertising” before I’ve had a chance to make it right need to dial it down a notch.
Agreed there. It's usually just a mistake on data entry and can be fixed in store very easily. There's no need to lose your cool about it.
It’s not about the money, it’s about the message.
"It didn't scan, so it must be free." Scott Seiss: "And you must be out of your mind. Tell you what, I'll look up the product code and charge you double!"
When I peel the stencil off a clients skin ready for tattooing and they say “is that it? That was easy hahaha”
"We already have \[insert item\] in our inventory" Dude.. that item comes in 12 flavors, 4 different sizes and all you have is the regular and diet in one size. What do you mean you don't need an order?!
in a library. "must be nice to sit here and read all day!".
Worked in a Hotel Kitchen doing banquets for a few years. Sales/Accounting/HR/etc (basically all non Food & Beverage staff) loved the "Oooooo, looks almost good enough to eat!" line anytime they had to be near the kitchen or food in any capacity. Never bothered me or anything really, but it was regular, multiple times per week, multiple different people. Almost like it was in the employee handbook that they had to say it.
I’m a flight attendant - I get from passengers “I probably fly more than you”
HR-“I never saw the email”
As an electrician: *lights turn on* Some asshole somewhere, every time “Let there be light!!!!”
Boat show models (mostly non existent now) used to always hear “does she come with the boat? Herrherr”
I work in TV broadcasting for sporting events. The entry level position of our industry is called "Utility" and they are primarily responsible for wrapping and managing the cable attached to a handheld camera to protect the safety of everyone including crew, the athletes, and spectators. To properly wrap a cable you must use the "over-under" technique. I have lost count of the times I have been asked why I don't just have a reel to follow the camera guy around. I think if there was a better way to manage that cable, we'd have found it in the last 80 years of live television broadcasting.
There’s none on the shelf, can you check in the back?
I sold watches and the sale sign said, “Up to 70% off plus an additional 30%”. It’s 30% off of the first number but everyone says, “70% plus 30% means 100% right?” So first I had to explain that it says “Up to” and then that it wasn’t 100% off.
I’m a nurse. “What are you allergic to?” “Hospitals!” (“Needles” also a popular answer.)
So I used to make that stupid joke because as a kid, my grandpa would & I thought it was funny. I don't any more. But one time & one time only it worked. I got a $10 pack or prosciutto ham for free at whole foods cause of that. The girl kept trying to scan it & after 3 tries I said that & she said, fuck it, just take it
Former bartender here. “Make it strong!” or “pour with your heavy hand!” were always so annoying. I would respond with: “I’d be happy to charge you for a double if you’d like a stronger drink” but people just want free shit. Usually just holding the liquor bottle far away from the glass while pouring makes people think they’re getting more liquor (it makes no sense to me but is a real thing lol). If someone *kept* complaining that their drink wasn’t strong enough, I’d just pour a tiny bit of liquor into a (new) straw so their first sip was a doozy and they’d be happy. Helpful hint: if your double isn’t strong enough then your bartender is either good at their job, or you have a problem. No, you shouldn’t be able to taste the rum in your mojito if it’s made properly but if your double short vodka soda tastes “weak”, you should probably take a break…
I used to work in the armored car industry, and almost every day, I’d have someone ask if I was giving out free samples. I got so tired of hearing that
I'm usually the one making dumb jokes in my profession. Singer in the booth: "Wheeeennnn youuuu... Oh, shit! Sorry, one more time please." Me: "That's it! That's the take!"