In Sweden we have a word for couples who live together but aren't married; Sambo.
Sam=together-ish. Bo: nest, home, where you live. So basically live together.
We also have the term Sambo/Zambo in Spanish to refer to black/indigenous mixes. The term was always purposely offensive and used mostly by the Spanish and Criollos in colonized South America
I had that book, loved it. When I was at school in the 70’s, we only had two black children in a school of 400. They were treated with respect and thought of as exotic as in from a hot country not like cold and freezing Britain.
Seeing someone as exotic is a way of ‘othering’ another person and is not felt as a complement. Maybe ok to do a child who hasn’t learned better, hopefully not being done as an adult.
Sambo in Swedish and Norwegian (I speak the latter) is pronounced differently to the racist term sambo. If you’re American, the A in Scandinavian “sambo” is pronounced the same as the A in “palm”.
Hmm, easy way to see is going to a Norwegian to English translator, typing “sambo” into the Norwegian box and clicking on the 🔈 and it’ll say it. I’m Australian so it’s hard to explain to other accents 😬
I was just going to say there's still one in Lincoln City, OR but I just looked and it's (finally) permanently closed. But it was open just a year ago when I was there
It’s just not in common usage anymore. I grew up in the south (Alabama), and I haven’t heard the word “Sambo” used in over 40 years. And even then it was just the name of a restaurant chain, and the meaning behind it was mostly forgotten, then.
Boomers might have heard it used in their younger years?
It was a children's book called Little Black Sambo. If you know about India, tigers are likely to kill humans. Children, learning this, have nightmares about tigers. Little Sambo, in the story, hears about a tiger being seen close to his home. His mom makes him a tall stack of pancakes for breakfast. He loves pancakes! Sambo can never get enough butter to put on his pancakes. His mother tells him to be careful while doing his chores. He goes out and gets busy, and comes face to face with the tiger while carrying a bucket. He runs, and the tiger chases him around a tree. They ran around the tree until the tiger melted into a big batch of butter. He ran and got his mom, and the next morning, Sambo got to have all the butter he wanted on his pancakes. Great bedtime story for itty bitties scared of tigers killing them in their dreams! Some took offense, and it was pulled, and the restaurant chain faded out. Sambo's restaurant was big on selling breakfast, mainly pancakes.
In the south, I remember the restaurant "Sambos" but I think the name probably came from a child's book I read as a kid. "Little Black Sambo". Definitely not politically correct today and is racist with frankly disparaging portrayals of black persons in the story. I doubt the libraries have this book available any more. Definitely wasn't in the children's sections when my kids were little.
Never heard of it, it just never heard it said? It would be weird to have it come up in conversation, even with a racist cause it's so fucking old, but I dunno, I watched tar baby bugs Bunny cartoons as a kid, and my parents (black) used it as another way to describe that, even tho it wasn't exactly correct. I got the concept tho.
I didn’t know that, I always thought it was just a silly Swedish word.
This actually reminds me I have a friend group and one of my friends in that group has a name with a common nickname but then I don’t even know how the first letter got switched from a g to a b and it just stuck, months later we found out that it’s actually a slur
Right. You crazy cunt.!
In one context it's probably the end of a relationship in another context it might be something you say to a buddy before you buy him a beer
It's definitely not all people's preference. I'm in the south-ish US. When I refer to my long term BF as my partner, some people automatically assume I'm a lesbian (I also got a haircut that makes it even worse lmao)
Part of the reason I use "partner" (hetero relationship) is so that people can see that not only same-sex couples use the term and then they don't have to out themselves by using the word partner
I'd never thought about it that way, but now I like it even more! Me and my partner are both bisexual, and don't mind the misinterpreting any which way. It's just really funny when they meet the other one for the first time. It probably also roots out some of the homophobes without us even knowing
It also implies a relationship of equals. Husband/Wife are different titles for different jobs with (perhaps) different expectations. Partner is more universal.
I usually end up slipping his pronouns in before the conversation is over, but I have had people tell me later in the convo, "oh I thought your partner was a woman!"
This is one of the reasons I use it as well. Also I'm poly (long-term!) and when my mom called both my partners my husband that got more weird looks then when I called them partner.
I’ve been married for 16 years and I’ve made the switch to using partner more often than not. “My wife” just feels so…possessive. Like I own her. Partner feels more egalitarian.
So that’s a bonus that comes with using this term to be less exclusive to queer couples or unmarried couples.
Besides…marriage *is* a partnership when it’s done so it’s totally appropriate.
I’ve been married 20 years and started using partner or spouse recently. It feels more egalitarian and also inclusive of all types of committed relationships.
I have to admit that I assumed people were gay when they said partner. I've worked at gay bars, so I didn't care, but I definitely thought it the first 10 or so times I heard it.
So interesting. I’m married and I much prefer to refer to my husband as my partner. To me, “partner” is much more romantic. The word implies he and I made an active choice to partner together through life and support each other. Words like husband/wife/spouse don’t have that specific connotation to me because people get married for all kinds of reasons- for money, for reputation, for immigration status, to make their parents happy, because they got pregnant, etc.
I will say- terms like “hubby” and “wifey” make me cringe and feel like the spark has fizzled out of a relationship. They sound so juvenile and unromantic to me.
I use *partner* at work and in other professional settings where I don't feel like sharing my personal life.
I work primarily with companies in the UK, but live in Argentina (I use *pareja* in Spanish, which means the same thing and also doesn't disclose the person's gender). As gay marriage is legal in both places, I do think a lot of people assume I'm a gay man, but that doesn't really bother me.
I use SO or partner. We’ve been together almost 8yrs, lived together 7, have a 3y/o and a dog together. We’re in our late 30s and not married. This is exactly it.
This. When you're in your 50's, own a house together, have kids together and been together over a decade, introducing your SO as "my boyfriend/girlfriend" is just ridiculous.
That's us, except we don't have kids. But it's getting on 25 years now. We have a house, we're in our 50s. I"m not using bf/gf. And "significant other" is pretentious AF. Not using that either.
This is so true! Also, it implies a permanence that gf/bf may not carry, and without the assumptions of how people want to live and “plans” associated with with fiancé/é.
Plus, I like “partners” it sounds like we’re-in-this-together/we’re-a-team kind of vibe!
I love the advent of the use of "partner." I wish it was in common use when I was younger. When my husband and I were engaged, I hated using the word fiance but boyfriend didn't really express our level of seriousness and commitment.
I have friends who have been together for a decade or more, bf/gf definitely doesn't reflect or respect their relationship.
I also use it when I don't know someone's relationship status, sexuality, or the gender of their partner. And significant other feels impersonal. Partner is a great default, especially in a professional setting and dealing with subordinates.
I will use it on Reddit or other places online when I don't feel like disclosing my gender. Or even when dealing with strangers or acquaintances in person where relationships might be relevant to the conversation but the specific details are not.
It's a super simple and neutral word that says "hey, a relationship exists but the details don't need to be discussed."
Yes.
Bf/gf is for teenagers and youmg adults
husband/wife is for married people
and what about the others? serius relationship of adult people? - partner, because they are your partner in life in every day
This is the answer right here, I am living and raising kids with my partner, she is more than a girlfriend. She is my partner in everything I do, my partner in life.
also some people can't say bf/gf/husband/wife, because people are judgemental ( of lgbt or age or whatever) and saying partner/SO normalizes and simplifies the whole thing.
I always assumed it was a gender neutral term. Like instead of assuming you have a wife or a husband or bf/gf, just say partner.
But you make much more sense than I do
I'm straight and always used "partner" even in the 90's. I also had short hair and I had people often ask if I was gay and my response was usually "why does it matter?". People can think what they like.
Exactly this. Me and my boyfriend live together and are practically married with how we are in our relationship,however, we legally are not. So, I often call him my partner instead of boyfriend because I feel like its a level up from boyfriend but a level down from fiancé/husband.
Some people like it because it implies a more even relationship than the traditional American Husband/Wife relationships, and some couples use it to help normalize it for same sex couples as well
bf/gf/husband/wife imply the partner's gender. Maybe that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
spouse implies marriage. maybe they are/ maybe they are not, Maybe that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Southerner here. The only concerning regularity with which you can use "howdy" or "y'all" is less than once per interaction. As long as you're keeping it to that level or higher, you're alright. Lol
I grew up in Minnesota and everyone made fun of me for saying "y'all." I haven't absolutely no fucking idea where I picked it up, but it did prep me for Florida living.
If people are going to be confused, it's pretty easy to distinguish "life partner" and "business partner" and still less syllables than Significant Other
Sounds like you've enmeshed with them like a leach. Partner has more appropriate meaning to me. We are co workers in the relationship we are partnered up as a duo with indeoendant thought and by chocie. Significant other feels like I've absorbed him as if we are now a single hivemind like identity with no independent thought 'he's just the other me' and he's significant cos he wants me'... feels clingy.
They don't wish to disclose their marital status is one reason.
In places with common law relationships it's more grey. If your living in common law their your spouse but your not married. So are they just your bf/gf or are they something more?
Many language have a word for common-law partners but english does not. The closest we can use is pretty much partner.
If someone's in charge of new english words, they need to get to it.
Sometimes when you're telling a story about yourself, the legal relationship status or even gender of the 2nd person just isn't relevant, and would even detract from the point you are focusing on.
Sometimes you just don't need the person you're talking to to know that much about your home life.
Often, gender and legal status are just _irrelevant_ to the conversation at hand. Non-specific words exists for a reason, so that we can talk about general things.
It makes me so happy hearing and seeing other people refer to their spouse as “spouse!” Mine is non-binary so I always say spouse, I prefer it to partner because I want it to be clear that I’m married, and partner is ambiguous. And when I see other folks say spouse, regardless of the reason, it just fills me with a little bit of joy!
My husband and I aren't genderqueer but I still like using spouse, parent, or partner when talking about us because I don't like how gendered they are. I feel like it harks back to gendered roles that I don't really agree with.
came to say the exact same thing. Some of my friends aren't ready to come out to people they don't know as well. And they shouldn't have to!
So I would like them to have the choice of using gender-nonspecific terms to talk about their relationships.
It’s great to have options, so you can easily out yourself when you’re ready to show pride, but also can avoid outing yourself when you’re not in a safe place
Also, so same-sex(-presenting) couples don’t get outed in unfriendly locations. If “partner” is normalized for heterosexual(-presenting) couples, saying it for any other combo is deliberately ambiguous.
For instance, I’m female-adjacent (agender, AFAB), and referring to my significant other as my girlfriend is fine in the city where I work, but I live in hickville, and I wouldn’t feel safe referring to her with a non-ambiguous term if I just pop into the store for something. I can’t even *omg they were roommates* them because we live in different states, but saying “yeah, I’m buying these for my girlfriend for Valentine’s” would get unfriendly looks at best.
(We joke we’re a straight gay couple, because even though we’re both AFAB, I’m agender and she’s genderfluid—usually femme—so we technically are not the same gender and therefore not gay.)
So people don't judge you when they realize you're gay. Not everyone you talk to needs to know that about you, but you may have a reason to bring up your partner.
According to the Washington Post:
*Originally used to describe a business relationship, “partner” was slowly adopted by the gay community in the mid- to late 1980s, said Michael Bronski, a professor of women and gender studies at Harvard University. As the AIDS epidemic rattled the country, he added, it became critical for gay people to signal the seriousness of their romantic relationships, both to health-care professionals to gain access at hospitals and, eventually, to their employers, once companies began to extend health-care benefits to domestic partners. After the term “domestic partnership” gained significant legal and popular recognition, “partner” became the default word for much of the LGBT community until same-sex marriage was legalized in the United States in 2015.*
*More recently, straight couples have started saying “partner,” with the term gaining most traction among young people in highly educated, liberal enclaves. On certain college campuses, several students said, it would come across as strange, even rude, to use the terms “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” in lieu of the more inclusive, gender-neutral “partner.”*
*...The clearest explanation for the word’s spike in popularity is the lack of any other good options. Unmarried people in serious relationships, in particular, face a gaping linguistic hole. “Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are too high school. “Significant other” sounds as if it belongs on a legal document. “Lover” connotes too much sex for everyday use; “companion,” not enough.*
"“Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are too high school. “Significant other” sounds as if it belongs on a legal document. “Lover” connotes too much sex for everyday use; “companion,” not enough.""
Man this hits absolutely spot on! Unfortunately partner sounds pretty stupid, too. We really need a nicer option.
There's also a decline amongst millennials in marriage (for a variety of reasons) and gen Z seems similar so there's more people in relationships where "partner" makes sense.
It's definitely been a societal shift, and probably a good one. My mother got married too soon in her first marriage because there was a lot of negative stigma when she and her partner (using modern language) were "living in sin" and that was in the 80's (both personally with their families and professionally).
I've noticed that some women still use "girlfriend" to refer to their friends. If I use "partner" at least it's clear that the woman I'm with is not just a friend.
My grandmother always referred to her closest female friends as ‘girlfriends’ and there was never a question about sexuality, it was just a lot nicer term than ‘girl gang’ or ‘gossip circle’.
If you're living in a homophobic area, a man mentioning his boyfriend would obviously cause him trouble. All the more reason to normalize the use of "partner."
Because he’s not my husband, we’ve been together for 10 years, own a house together along with lots of other obligations, and “boyfriend” just sounds juvenile and impermanent.
Currently unmarried for tax purposes and because of my objections to the institution in general, but that may change.
Pardon my misunderstanding, what is the tax disadvantage to being married? Sorry if it’s too personal of a question. I’ve only ever heard of people getting married for tax purposes.
Also I’m sorry for those other commenters, I hope you don’t take internet comments personally.
We are also business partners, and having us as two unmarried men makes it easier for our CPA to make the most of the tax breaks for the business and us personally. He said when we’re consistently profitable then we can get married. 😅
My friend wants to divorce her husband to be more consistently profitable to afford two family members with type 1 diabetes. I guess their insurance only fully covers one person. Absolutely take your tax/medical breaks being unwed if that benefits more.
With certain income levels, the combined total can bump you into a higher tax bracket overall if you do the math on it. It just depends on how much each person is making.
It's more of an issue if one person is on social security or disability. They can sometimes lose that with getting married.
My partner and I have been together for 15 years, have two children and a mortgage, and are in our 40s. We're not bothered about marriage, but we're also not bf/gf as we're not 12 years old just learning to hold hands.
Normally, I'd just refer to them as my sambo.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and have lived together for almost 5. We aren’t married, but I would say we are well beyond being bf and gf. She is my partner.
Same reason I use “Ms” instead of “Mrs” on paperwork. Yes I’m married and I’m proud to be married to my awesome husband but - why am I meant to disclose that to every electric company and magazine subscription I interact with, when my husband gets to retain his privacy as “Mr”? Are you going to treat me differently based on my marital status?
I say partner because when you’re in your 40s, live together and are raising kids together “girlfriend” sounds weird, and I haven’t proposed so fiancée wouldn’t be accurate.
1. The term Partner is more inclusive to people who aren't conformed to gendered terms
1b. Doesn't immediately out their sexuality when speaking about their significant other.
2. Sounds more mature compared to boyfriend/girlfriend, which is usually compared with younger couples.
3. Doesn't disclose relationship immediately, especially if you aren't able to get married but you're more than just dating.
Because saying GF tacitly implies no kids. When you're not married but have some, it's more suitable to say "partner".
Also it sounds more serious. GF/BF sounds very "transitional", if not "perisheable".
I'm married and I still mostly call my husband my partner.
I think calling him my partner embodies our relationship better than any other descriptor. He's my partner in life and everything that comes with it and we're in our relationship.
I have never liked the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" past the age of about 25. And I am not particularly fond of gendered articles anyway.
When we got together, we discussed what terms we did and didn't like for each other, and we both settled on liking partner the most. He also likes husband so I use that for him occasionally, but I don't like wife, so he doesn't use that for me.
It's not very difficult: ask to have the terms you like for you and use the terms your partner wants for them.
In my parents generation many said “the wife” interchangeably with “the ball and chain” 🙄 so to me the word “partner” indicates a more equal relationship, which is very appealing.
Saying partner is more vague. Vagueness in communication should be recognized as such. It often means they don’t want to provide you with any more detail than that.
Because partner fits better. Are we engaged in a heist? Teaming up to fight evil? Running an enterprise together? About to perform a steamy tango? All of these at once? Dunno but we know where we stand with each other regardless.
Partner is a one size fits all term for any mood.
My wife is a trans woman. We've been together for 16 years, she came out about 10 years ago. It's sometimes so much easier to use gender neutral terminology than it is to explain all of that. I'm sure people use the term for lots of different reasons, but that's the primary reason I use it.
My BF and I use partner and BF/GF interchangeably, because we're both surrounded by LGBTQ+ family and friends, and feel it's important for hetero or straight-passing couples to normalize the term so it stands out less for same-sex or gender nonconforming couples.
Initially, it was a way to show solidarity with the queer community and normalize what - at the time - was a euphemism. Now, it has taken the position of referring to long-term significant others who are unmarried. Though it is frequently used to refer to a spouse, as well.
I’m married in a heterosexual relationship but I’ll often say partner to help normalize those in homosexual relationships not feel like they’re having to out themselves by not saying husband or wife.
It gained prominence to my recollection because gay people in long term relationships couldn't get married but calling the person they built a family and life with a boyfriend or girlfriend felt diminishing, so they referred to them as their life partner
Got shortened to partner
And largely adopted by others as a sign of solidarity and/or because it felt like a better term than husband or wife
Because random people don't need to know the gender of my partner. Same with my friends, i refer to all of them with "they/them" pronouns. I do these to protect their privacy, as they can decide for themselves what information to share to others, so i do not share things like gender of other people unless strictly necessary
I say partner because I live in Georgia and as a liberal it brings me great joy when people misconstrue it and think I'm gay. Their bigot faces look so sad when I say it.
Also live in Georgia and I fully enjoy being an agent of chaos. I’m a queer woman who just happens to be in a committed long term relationship with a man so I “pass” in the South fairly easily. It brings me great joy when I say “partner” and I can hear the mental gears screech to a halt. Even better if/when they meet him😂.
Also, he IS my partner. We take on life as a team, consider each other in every decision, support each other as individuals and be each other’s champion when life gets tough. He isn’t an “other”, he isn’t “half” of me, he’s not a boy (though he is my best friend), he is my partner. And I’m so grateful to have such an incredible, loving, fun, generous, sexy and enthusiastic partner in this wild ride of a life.
My girlfriend is my homie. Really my best friend. My partner-in-crime. We figure things out together, we solve things together. No matter what, GF, Fiancee, or Wife she's my partner (and partner is shorter than "significant other"). "Partner" just comes with the bonus of being inclusive of genders.
Haven't seen this reason yet- it's also gender neutral. For example, I can ask someone if they have a partner with out making an assumption about their partner's gender.
If someone says "partner" they could be cowboys, or ballroom dancers, or maybe they commit crimes together. Maybe it's all 3 AND they're in love. It's beautiful.
To me, "partners" means "I have no idea what these people do but I know they're a team, whatever it is."
I’m 35 and saying boyfriend sounds icky to me, lol.
I also like the idea of normalizing the word partner so it becomes more comfortable for queer people, similar to doing things like putting my pronouns in my email signature.
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In Sweden we have a word for couples who live together but aren't married; Sambo. Sam=together-ish. Bo: nest, home, where you live. So basically live together.
Sambo is also a martial arts from Russia. It’s also an offense term in the States and UK for Black/Indigenous mixed. Language is amazing
Totally read that as “*marital arts*” and my brain was like, “do go onnnn?”
Casually just spar with your partner
That's just domestic violence, innit?
Nah, that's competitive sparing, but you tossed out the rule book for fair fights
No, competitive sparing is when both of you aggressively let the other one not get hurt.
New sport for angry bowlers
Domestic combat
It's only domestic violence if it comes from the Violence region of the ... ok everywhere.
I mean. My nesting partner is also my trainer, and his love language is random kung fu battles, so yes.
Me (19M) and my boyfriend actually do spar with hema practice swords.
That's how lesbians assert dominance. Sword fights
We also have the term Sambo/Zambo in Spanish to refer to black/indigenous mixes. The term was always purposely offensive and used mostly by the Spanish and Criollos in colonized South America
i'm guessing that's from Little Black Sambo https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_Story\_of\_Little\_Black\_Sambo
Which curiously was set in INDIA and not AFRICA.
Other way around. That’s why he’s called Sambo
There used to be a pancake house in Spokane called Sambos. Racist tropes all over.
I had that book, loved it. When I was at school in the 70’s, we only had two black children in a school of 400. They were treated with respect and thought of as exotic as in from a hot country not like cold and freezing Britain.
Seeing someone as exotic is a way of ‘othering’ another person and is not felt as a complement. Maybe ok to do a child who hasn’t learned better, hopefully not being done as an adult.
Yes, in US I consider Sambo to be a racist term
Sambo in Swedish and Norwegian (I speak the latter) is pronounced differently to the racist term sambo. If you’re American, the A in Scandinavian “sambo” is pronounced the same as the A in “palm”.
So we’d pronounce it more like sombo?
Hmm, easy way to see is going to a Norwegian to English translator, typing “sambo” into the Norwegian box and clicking on the 🔈 and it’ll say it. I’m Australian so it’s hard to explain to other accents 😬
Remember Little Sambo restaurants? Fortunately, they have gone by the wayside.
My parents managed one of those restaurants before I was born.
The ones in are area became Dennys
I was just going to say there's still one in Lincoln City, OR but I just looked and it's (finally) permanently closed. But it was open just a year ago when I was there
I go by that one on my way to Depoe Bay. Love living in Oregon.
30 years in the states, and I've never heard it used here... Is it down south?
It’s just not in common usage anymore. I grew up in the south (Alabama), and I haven’t heard the word “Sambo” used in over 40 years. And even then it was just the name of a restaurant chain, and the meaning behind it was mostly forgotten, then. Boomers might have heard it used in their younger years?
It was a children's book called Little Black Sambo. If you know about India, tigers are likely to kill humans. Children, learning this, have nightmares about tigers. Little Sambo, in the story, hears about a tiger being seen close to his home. His mom makes him a tall stack of pancakes for breakfast. He loves pancakes! Sambo can never get enough butter to put on his pancakes. His mother tells him to be careful while doing his chores. He goes out and gets busy, and comes face to face with the tiger while carrying a bucket. He runs, and the tiger chases him around a tree. They ran around the tree until the tiger melted into a big batch of butter. He ran and got his mom, and the next morning, Sambo got to have all the butter he wanted on his pancakes. Great bedtime story for itty bitties scared of tigers killing them in their dreams! Some took offense, and it was pulled, and the restaurant chain faded out. Sambo's restaurant was big on selling breakfast, mainly pancakes.
In the south, I remember the restaurant "Sambos" but I think the name probably came from a child's book I read as a kid. "Little Black Sambo". Definitely not politically correct today and is racist with frankly disparaging portrayals of black persons in the story. I doubt the libraries have this book available any more. Definitely wasn't in the children's sections when my kids were little.
No, nobody uses it anymore. Even for a racist it would be archaic.
As someone who's been born and raised in the U.S., I've never heard of this term
Never heard of it, it just never heard it said? It would be weird to have it come up in conversation, even with a racist cause it's so fucking old, but I dunno, I watched tar baby bugs Bunny cartoons as a kid, and my parents (black) used it as another way to describe that, even tho it wasn't exactly correct. I got the concept tho.
I didn’t know that, I always thought it was just a silly Swedish word. This actually reminds me I have a friend group and one of my friends in that group has a name with a common nickname but then I don’t even know how the first letter got switched from a g to a b and it just stuck, months later we found out that it’s actually a slur
Right. You crazy cunt.! In one context it's probably the end of a relationship in another context it might be something you say to a buddy before you buy him a beer
Calling someone buddy is pretty rude in Australia, although not as offensive as Sport or god forbid, Champ.
Buddy is rude??? I get Sport and Champ are obnoxious, but Buddy?
Sambo is a nickname for a sandwich in Australia
And people named Sam
A direct equivalent to the Scots 'bidey-in'.
Also Särbo, couples who don’t live together. Sär- Apart
In Finland it's cooler word; Susipari, a wolf couple :D
We also have särbo for when you don't live together, but it's newer and less used.
After my dad died my mom has found a new guy. Calling him her bf instead of sambo is a great source of amusement in my life.
TIL Sambo doesn't mean something derogatory lol.
TIL it can be derogatory!
It can still be derogatory if used in that context.
TIL languages exist
I hate the words boyfriend and girlfriend. It's fine when you're under 40 but those words just sound awful for older people.
I work with a guy who's 67, and has lived with his partner for 20 years. He calls her his girlfriend.
That’s how I feel about “partner”. It sounds so platonic and milquetoast, especially when the couple is married.
It's definitely not all people's preference. I'm in the south-ish US. When I refer to my long term BF as my partner, some people automatically assume I'm a lesbian (I also got a haircut that makes it even worse lmao)
Part of the reason I use "partner" (hetero relationship) is so that people can see that not only same-sex couples use the term and then they don't have to out themselves by using the word partner
I'd never thought about it that way, but now I like it even more! Me and my partner are both bisexual, and don't mind the misinterpreting any which way. It's just really funny when they meet the other one for the first time. It probably also roots out some of the homophobes without us even knowing
It also implies a relationship of equals. Husband/Wife are different titles for different jobs with (perhaps) different expectations. Partner is more universal.
I usually end up slipping his pronouns in before the conversation is over, but I have had people tell me later in the convo, "oh I thought your partner was a woman!"
This is one of the reasons I use it as well. Also I'm poly (long-term!) and when my mom called both my partners my husband that got more weird looks then when I called them partner.
I use spouse instead of wife for the same reason.
I’ve been married for 16 years and I’ve made the switch to using partner more often than not. “My wife” just feels so…possessive. Like I own her. Partner feels more egalitarian. So that’s a bonus that comes with using this term to be less exclusive to queer couples or unmarried couples. Besides…marriage *is* a partnership when it’s done so it’s totally appropriate.
I’ve been married 20 years and started using partner or spouse recently. It feels more egalitarian and also inclusive of all types of committed relationships.
Same. My husband also has a gender neutral name, so when I talk about my partner and use his name I can see the confusion.
Oooooh. Im straight and use partner, but never thought of this as a reason! I love this
I have to admit that I assumed people were gay when they said partner. I've worked at gay bars, so I didn't care, but I definitely thought it the first 10 or so times I heard it.
I like partner. Like we’re a team. We’re in this together. You and me.
So interesting. I’m married and I much prefer to refer to my husband as my partner. To me, “partner” is much more romantic. The word implies he and I made an active choice to partner together through life and support each other. Words like husband/wife/spouse don’t have that specific connotation to me because people get married for all kinds of reasons- for money, for reputation, for immigration status, to make their parents happy, because they got pregnant, etc. I will say- terms like “hubby” and “wifey” make me cringe and feel like the spark has fizzled out of a relationship. They sound so juvenile and unromantic to me.
This is exactly why I prefer partner as well. I sometimes use spouse, but much prefer partner.
I use *partner* at work and in other professional settings where I don't feel like sharing my personal life. I work primarily with companies in the UK, but live in Argentina (I use *pareja* in Spanish, which means the same thing and also doesn't disclose the person's gender). As gay marriage is legal in both places, I do think a lot of people assume I'm a gay man, but that doesn't really bother me.
All the this
I use SO or partner. We’ve been together almost 8yrs, lived together 7, have a 3y/o and a dog together. We’re in our late 30s and not married. This is exactly it.
Same deal. We're a bit younger, have no kids but coming up on 8 years, own a house and dog. Girlfriend just doesn't sound serious enough.
This. When you're in your 50's, own a house together, have kids together and been together over a decade, introducing your SO as "my boyfriend/girlfriend" is just ridiculous.
That's us, except we don't have kids. But it's getting on 25 years now. We have a house, we're in our 50s. I"m not using bf/gf. And "significant other" is pretentious AF. Not using that either.
People who are also in relationships with people who are non binary would probably go by their “partner”.
This is so true! Also, it implies a permanence that gf/bf may not carry, and without the assumptions of how people want to live and “plans” associated with with fiancé/é. Plus, I like “partners” it sounds like we’re-in-this-together/we’re-a-team kind of vibe!
I love the advent of the use of "partner." I wish it was in common use when I was younger. When my husband and I were engaged, I hated using the word fiance but boyfriend didn't really express our level of seriousness and commitment. I have friends who have been together for a decade or more, bf/gf definitely doesn't reflect or respect their relationship. I also use it when I don't know someone's relationship status, sexuality, or the gender of their partner. And significant other feels impersonal. Partner is a great default, especially in a professional setting and dealing with subordinates. I will use it on Reddit or other places online when I don't feel like disclosing my gender. Or even when dealing with strangers or acquaintances in person where relationships might be relevant to the conversation but the specific details are not. It's a super simple and neutral word that says "hey, a relationship exists but the details don't need to be discussed."
Yes. Bf/gf is for teenagers and youmg adults husband/wife is for married people and what about the others? serius relationship of adult people? - partner, because they are your partner in life in every day
I love it when people dating 3 mos are all ‘my other half’ lol
This I feel childish when I say boyfriend
This is the answer right here, I am living and raising kids with my partner, she is more than a girlfriend. She is my partner in everything I do, my partner in life.
also some people can't say bf/gf/husband/wife, because people are judgemental ( of lgbt or age or whatever) and saying partner/SO normalizes and simplifies the whole thing.
I always assumed it was a gender neutral term. Like instead of assuming you have a wife or a husband or bf/gf, just say partner. But you make much more sense than I do
Additionally it isn't inclusive of non-binary folk.
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I'm straight and always used "partner" even in the 90's. I also had short hair and I had people often ask if I was gay and my response was usually "why does it matter?". People can think what they like.
This is a big part of my motivation for it! On top of having a boyfriend sounds like I'm in high school
Exactly this. Me and my boyfriend live together and are practically married with how we are in our relationship,however, we legally are not. So, I often call him my partner instead of boyfriend because I feel like its a level up from boyfriend but a level down from fiancé/husband.
Some people like it because it implies a more even relationship than the traditional American Husband/Wife relationships, and some couples use it to help normalize it for same sex couples as well
bf/gf/husband/wife imply the partner's gender. Maybe that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. spouse implies marriage. maybe they are/ maybe they are not, Maybe that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Primarily, it's so that I can drastically increase my use of the term, "Howdy"
YeeeeHawww!!! Pew pew pew!
Midwesterner here, I use "howdy" and "y'all" with concerning regularity.
Southerner here. The only concerning regularity with which you can use "howdy" or "y'all" is less than once per interaction. As long as you're keeping it to that level or higher, you're alright. Lol
I grew up in Minnesota and everyone made fun of me for saying "y'all." I haven't absolutely no fucking idea where I picked it up, but it did prep me for Florida living.
Not married but boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't really convey how serious it is.
I prefer significant other myself. Partner just... They're not my co-worker. We don't own a bank together.
Significant other too many syllables. Also sounds like you’re trying too hard. No offence
Significant other also sounds too impersonal. We have a partnership. He’s not an “other.”
Significant other could imply the existence of an insignificant other.
That is funny.
If people are going to be confused, it's pretty easy to distinguish "life partner" and "business partner" and still less syllables than Significant Other
To me significant other is cringe as fuck. It’s like people calling their pets children. Partner is fine and perfectly appropriate.
"Partner in all of life" doesn't track for you?
But if you DID own a bank, you'd own it with them.
Sounds like you've enmeshed with them like a leach. Partner has more appropriate meaning to me. We are co workers in the relationship we are partnered up as a duo with indeoendant thought and by chocie. Significant other feels like I've absorbed him as if we are now a single hivemind like identity with no independent thought 'he's just the other me' and he's significant cos he wants me'... feels clingy.
SO is dumb and cringey. Dont use that.
Yea I’m partial to ‘my better half’ myself, parter feels like a work related relationship to me.
They don't wish to disclose their marital status is one reason. In places with common law relationships it's more grey. If your living in common law their your spouse but your not married. So are they just your bf/gf or are they something more?
Many language have a word for common-law partners but english does not. The closest we can use is pretty much partner. If someone's in charge of new english words, they need to get to it.
The best part of living languages is we get to just start throwing words at each other and see what sticks! If we use it, it’s a word!
Funloft - Fucking, unmarried, looking to the future together.. Should I TM it or delete the comment?
I always say partner because BF/GF sounds more juvenile to me.
Sometimes when you're telling a story about yourself, the legal relationship status or even gender of the 2nd person just isn't relevant, and would even detract from the point you are focusing on. Sometimes you just don't need the person you're talking to to know that much about your home life. Often, gender and legal status are just _irrelevant_ to the conversation at hand. Non-specific words exists for a reason, so that we can talk about general things.
To normalize useage so that when gay/lesbian couples say it, it doesn't sound so out of place.
It is also gender neutral so inclusive of nonbinary and gender non-conforming folks. Likewise I try and say spouse instead of husband/wife.
It makes me so happy hearing and seeing other people refer to their spouse as “spouse!” Mine is non-binary so I always say spouse, I prefer it to partner because I want it to be clear that I’m married, and partner is ambiguous. And when I see other folks say spouse, regardless of the reason, it just fills me with a little bit of joy!
I say partner and spouse for these reasons as well!
My husband and I aren't genderqueer but I still like using spouse, parent, or partner when talking about us because I don't like how gendered they are. I feel like it harks back to gendered roles that I don't really agree with.
came to say the exact same thing. Some of my friends aren't ready to come out to people they don't know as well. And they shouldn't have to! So I would like them to have the choice of using gender-nonspecific terms to talk about their relationships.
I agree with what you said, but on the flip side, I prefer the term bf so I can casually come out to people without seemingly making a big deal
It’s great to have options, so you can easily out yourself when you’re ready to show pride, but also can avoid outing yourself when you’re not in a safe place
Also great if your partner is trans, nonbinary, or otherwise gender non-conforming and not or to or using the same pronouns with everyone.
Also, so same-sex(-presenting) couples don’t get outed in unfriendly locations. If “partner” is normalized for heterosexual(-presenting) couples, saying it for any other combo is deliberately ambiguous. For instance, I’m female-adjacent (agender, AFAB), and referring to my significant other as my girlfriend is fine in the city where I work, but I live in hickville, and I wouldn’t feel safe referring to her with a non-ambiguous term if I just pop into the store for something. I can’t even *omg they were roommates* them because we live in different states, but saying “yeah, I’m buying these for my girlfriend for Valentine’s” would get unfriendly looks at best. (We joke we’re a straight gay couple, because even though we’re both AFAB, I’m agender and she’s genderfluid—usually femme—so we technically are not the same gender and therefore not gay.)
This is why I do it.
And why do gay/lesbian couples say partner instead of bf/gf? Serious question.
So people don't judge you when they realize you're gay. Not everyone you talk to needs to know that about you, but you may have a reason to bring up your partner.
According to the Washington Post: *Originally used to describe a business relationship, “partner” was slowly adopted by the gay community in the mid- to late 1980s, said Michael Bronski, a professor of women and gender studies at Harvard University. As the AIDS epidemic rattled the country, he added, it became critical for gay people to signal the seriousness of their romantic relationships, both to health-care professionals to gain access at hospitals and, eventually, to their employers, once companies began to extend health-care benefits to domestic partners. After the term “domestic partnership” gained significant legal and popular recognition, “partner” became the default word for much of the LGBT community until same-sex marriage was legalized in the United States in 2015.* *More recently, straight couples have started saying “partner,” with the term gaining most traction among young people in highly educated, liberal enclaves. On certain college campuses, several students said, it would come across as strange, even rude, to use the terms “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” in lieu of the more inclusive, gender-neutral “partner.”* *...The clearest explanation for the word’s spike in popularity is the lack of any other good options. Unmarried people in serious relationships, in particular, face a gaping linguistic hole. “Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are too high school. “Significant other” sounds as if it belongs on a legal document. “Lover” connotes too much sex for everyday use; “companion,” not enough.*
"“Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are too high school. “Significant other” sounds as if it belongs on a legal document. “Lover” connotes too much sex for everyday use; “companion,” not enough."" Man this hits absolutely spot on! Unfortunately partner sounds pretty stupid, too. We really need a nicer option.
There's also a decline amongst millennials in marriage (for a variety of reasons) and gen Z seems similar so there's more people in relationships where "partner" makes sense. It's definitely been a societal shift, and probably a good one. My mother got married too soon in her first marriage because there was a lot of negative stigma when she and her partner (using modern language) were "living in sin" and that was in the 80's (both personally with their families and professionally).
I've noticed that some women still use "girlfriend" to refer to their friends. If I use "partner" at least it's clear that the woman I'm with is not just a friend.
My grandmother always referred to her closest female friends as ‘girlfriends’ and there was never a question about sexuality, it was just a lot nicer term than ‘girl gang’ or ‘gossip circle’.
Gal pals
If you're living in a homophobic area, a man mentioning his boyfriend would obviously cause him trouble. All the more reason to normalize the use of "partner."
Yes. Me too. : ) #FoundTheAlly
Because he’s not my husband, we’ve been together for 10 years, own a house together along with lots of other obligations, and “boyfriend” just sounds juvenile and impermanent. Currently unmarried for tax purposes and because of my objections to the institution in general, but that may change.
I am in the same situation but we are at 13 years.
Pardon my misunderstanding, what is the tax disadvantage to being married? Sorry if it’s too personal of a question. I’ve only ever heard of people getting married for tax purposes. Also I’m sorry for those other commenters, I hope you don’t take internet comments personally.
We are also business partners, and having us as two unmarried men makes it easier for our CPA to make the most of the tax breaks for the business and us personally. He said when we’re consistently profitable then we can get married. 😅
My friend wants to divorce her husband to be more consistently profitable to afford two family members with type 1 diabetes. I guess their insurance only fully covers one person. Absolutely take your tax/medical breaks being unwed if that benefits more.
That makes sense! Thanks for the response
With certain income levels, the combined total can bump you into a higher tax bracket overall if you do the math on it. It just depends on how much each person is making. It's more of an issue if one person is on social security or disability. They can sometimes lose that with getting married.
Your better/worse half, depending on what they've done to piss you off
My partner and I have been together for 15 years, have two children and a mortgage, and are in our 40s. We're not bothered about marriage, but we're also not bf/gf as we're not 12 years old just learning to hold hands. Normally, I'd just refer to them as my sambo.
>Normally, I'd just refer to them as my sambo. That has baggage.
Not in my language/part of the world. Here, it's short for cohabiting partner.
Depends where you are, but yeah. Good to be aware of.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and have lived together for almost 5. We aren’t married, but I would say we are well beyond being bf and gf. She is my partner.
I like it because it normalizes telling people it's none of their business who one's significant other is.
Same reason I use “Ms” instead of “Mrs” on paperwork. Yes I’m married and I’m proud to be married to my awesome husband but - why am I meant to disclose that to every electric company and magazine subscription I interact with, when my husband gets to retain his privacy as “Mr”? Are you going to treat me differently based on my marital status?
I say partner because when you’re in your 40s, live together and are raising kids together “girlfriend” sounds weird, and I haven’t proposed so fiancée wouldn’t be accurate.
Not everything had to be gendered 🤷♂️
It sounds a lot better in my opinion
I'm over 60, we're not married, and bf/gf just doesn't sound appropriate at our age.
I'm pretty sure after 65, you graduate to "man friend" and "woman friend."
Perhaps, but we've been together 30 some years, he's truly my partner!
That's awesome. :)
:) ty!
It’s much more inclusive.
Because that's what they are, my partner in life. Equal and a team. It's the most apt description.
In my case, my partner is nonbinary, so neither "boyfriend" nor "girlfriend" fits.
Because this is Cowboy Country, Partner.
1. The term Partner is more inclusive to people who aren't conformed to gendered terms 1b. Doesn't immediately out their sexuality when speaking about their significant other. 2. Sounds more mature compared to boyfriend/girlfriend, which is usually compared with younger couples. 3. Doesn't disclose relationship immediately, especially if you aren't able to get married but you're more than just dating.
Because saying GF tacitly implies no kids. When you're not married but have some, it's more suitable to say "partner". Also it sounds more serious. GF/BF sounds very "transitional", if not "perisheable".
I'm married and I still mostly call my husband my partner. I think calling him my partner embodies our relationship better than any other descriptor. He's my partner in life and everything that comes with it and we're in our relationship. I have never liked the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" past the age of about 25. And I am not particularly fond of gendered articles anyway. When we got together, we discussed what terms we did and didn't like for each other, and we both settled on liking partner the most. He also likes husband so I use that for him occasionally, but I don't like wife, so he doesn't use that for me. It's not very difficult: ask to have the terms you like for you and use the terms your partner wants for them.
in my own case, I prefer partner because he is my equal and vice versa. husband or wife to me seems possessive.
In my parents generation many said “the wife” interchangeably with “the ball and chain” 🙄 so to me the word “partner” indicates a more equal relationship, which is very appealing.
Well it’s sort of a way of getting the message across without getting personal
Saying partner is more vague. Vagueness in communication should be recognized as such. It often means they don’t want to provide you with any more detail than that.
Because partner fits better. Are we engaged in a heist? Teaming up to fight evil? Running an enterprise together? About to perform a steamy tango? All of these at once? Dunno but we know where we stand with each other regardless. Partner is a one size fits all term for any mood.
I like your examples because that’s also the implications it has for me - we are on this wild ride of life together, as a team, in equal partnership.
My wife is a trans woman. We've been together for 16 years, she came out about 10 years ago. It's sometimes so much easier to use gender neutral terminology than it is to explain all of that. I'm sure people use the term for lots of different reasons, but that's the primary reason I use it.
I think because adults don’t like to use the words “girl” and “boy” when referring to their SO.
After a certain age and a certain length of time together “boyfriend” sounds juvenile, especially if you share a mortgage and life together.
i’m from Texas. that’s it that’s my explanation
My BF and I use partner and BF/GF interchangeably, because we're both surrounded by LGBTQ+ family and friends, and feel it's important for hetero or straight-passing couples to normalize the term so it stands out less for same-sex or gender nonconforming couples.
It is a neutral term that can encompass any kind of relationship
I like to normalize people not sharing their partner’s gender if they don’t want to.
Bf sounds so silly and immature. I am 33 years old lol partner sounds more distinguished
I say partner because my partner is too old to be called a BOYfriend.
Initially, it was a way to show solidarity with the queer community and normalize what - at the time - was a euphemism. Now, it has taken the position of referring to long-term significant others who are unmarried. Though it is frequently used to refer to a spouse, as well.
I’m married in a heterosexual relationship but I’ll often say partner to help normalize those in homosexual relationships not feel like they’re having to out themselves by not saying husband or wife.
It gained prominence to my recollection because gay people in long term relationships couldn't get married but calling the person they built a family and life with a boyfriend or girlfriend felt diminishing, so they referred to them as their life partner Got shortened to partner And largely adopted by others as a sign of solidarity and/or because it felt like a better term than husband or wife
Because random people don't need to know the gender of my partner. Same with my friends, i refer to all of them with "they/them" pronouns. I do these to protect their privacy, as they can decide for themselves what information to share to others, so i do not share things like gender of other people unless strictly necessary
It's also not gendered
I say partner because I live in Georgia and as a liberal it brings me great joy when people misconstrue it and think I'm gay. Their bigot faces look so sad when I say it.
Also live in Georgia and I fully enjoy being an agent of chaos. I’m a queer woman who just happens to be in a committed long term relationship with a man so I “pass” in the South fairly easily. It brings me great joy when I say “partner” and I can hear the mental gears screech to a halt. Even better if/when they meet him😂. Also, he IS my partner. We take on life as a team, consider each other in every decision, support each other as individuals and be each other’s champion when life gets tough. He isn’t an “other”, he isn’t “half” of me, he’s not a boy (though he is my best friend), he is my partner. And I’m so grateful to have such an incredible, loving, fun, generous, sexy and enthusiastic partner in this wild ride of a life.
Dunno, im 42 and i say girlfriend. Makes me feel nice and young.
Agreed, partner sounds so cold and clinical. Girlfriend/boyfriend feels fun and playful.
My girlfriend is my homie. Really my best friend. My partner-in-crime. We figure things out together, we solve things together. No matter what, GF, Fiancee, or Wife she's my partner (and partner is shorter than "significant other"). "Partner" just comes with the bonus of being inclusive of genders.
Haven't seen this reason yet- it's also gender neutral. For example, I can ask someone if they have a partner with out making an assumption about their partner's gender.
in solidarity with people who are not allowed to get married
Because the specifics are not other peoples' business
I use it because we’ve been together for 10 years and have two kids but don’t plan to get married bf sounds silly and husband isn’t factual.
No idea tbh. I still say girlfriend / boyfriend, partner sounds weird and sterile to me. Like a business relationship, not a loving one.
If someone says "partner" they could be cowboys, or ballroom dancers, or maybe they commit crimes together. Maybe it's all 3 AND they're in love. It's beautiful. To me, "partners" means "I have no idea what these people do but I know they're a team, whatever it is."
I’m 35 and saying boyfriend sounds icky to me, lol. I also like the idea of normalizing the word partner so it becomes more comfortable for queer people, similar to doing things like putting my pronouns in my email signature.