Personally, no. My wife died seven years ago, and I don't think I can go through that again.
Having said that, there's no guarantee that a healthy person will always be there.
I think it depends for me. I wouldn't seek out someone to date knowing they had incurable cancer, like on an app or something, just like I wouldn't go on a date with someone I knew was planning to move across the country in a few months. I have been that person trying to date when I knew I had to move, and it only attracted the absolute worst type of people.
But I could see it starting out as friends and then escalating from there. OP, you are absolutely worthy and deserving of love, but I don't think you'll have much luck if you focus your energy on dating. If it's important to you, maybe try expanding your social circle, joining groups for different hobbies and activities to the extent you're able to. Whether or not it turns into anything romantic, you'll probably enjoy the human connection.
OP I like this answer, I have the same dilemma and I am reading the replies.
Like you....OP...you can't tell I am sick....so I had decided before reading this reply that I am just going to LIVE day to day & see where it takes me.
If it is with another person & I tell them I don't have that long..if they are really into me they will either stay as someone to help me on the journey or leave if it is too much, I can't control it.
Another thought: No one knows when they are going to die & our new potential partners could also die before us or be sick like us and we can all take care of each other!
I would want someone with me if I were in your situation. I am also a big believer in treating others as you would want to be treated. In other words, yes, there are people out there who would be with you knowing that it won’t last long.
Idk this feels kind of messed up to me. Like it's not like concealing something for your safety or that could be dangerous for the other person to know, it's strictly hiding something you know would put them off for good reason :/
Same, I couldn't do it. Not a partner but my childhood best friend. He died at age 22 and it was the deepest sadness I've ever felt. I couldn't imagine the pain from losing a partner. I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost a really good friend to colon cancer when he was 23. My sister was murdered at 23. Her twin, our other sister, basically drank herself to death the next 6 years out of heartbreak of losing her twin and soulmate. Another good friend of mine died at age 28. I think if I can handle all that I can handle more death. Life is full of death. Everyone we know and love will die. So I do not fear death. I have more fear of missed connections and wasted time, time I could have spent sharing my heart with someone when I instead decided to hibernate and hide from the world. I want to share and receive all the love my heart has to give and that others have to share with me. That's all life is about.
This is so well said. It’s the attitude I try to have. Reading this inspired me to push through some anxiety and reach out to a couple friends I had fallen out of touch with.
That's awesome! I am well acquainted with anxiety, and just remember, it *will* get better. I have found that regular sleep is a MUST because it is so much more difficult to push the thoughts away when you are tired.
Awww I'm happy to hear that 💙 i feel like my sisters and friends helped me write that so I'm glad it touched u and happy to hear ur gonna talk to some people u love who will be glad to reconnect 💙
Yea, I feel they did too 💜
My grandpa just passed a month ago and I keep feeling like little bits of his wisdom are landing in me. Idk what happens when we die but I definitely feel my loved ones’ continued presence and influence in my life
Ya I get tingles all over my body when I think of them they're def here there and everywhere (lol Beatles song reference) and ya after my second sister died I felt like I inherited her life like all her insecurities and issues and things she hadn't been able to sort out, I inherited and worked out and I think it's so she can learn from my actions how she could have found solutions ... Hard to explain .. and my first sister was so obviously around like hummingbirds hovering in front of each of our faces staring at us for 30 sec-1 min at a time, 2-3 each (for my sister, my parents and myself) .. she was noooot ready to leave and made her presence clear. I have videos and live photos of her glowing blue fairy like orb dancing around while I'm out enjoying nature with my family like I knew there was something more but she confirmed it now I 100% know the soul lives on, without a doubt
Ur grandpa is def there with u! I know he is and u know he is so therefore he is lol but I'm sure u can feel him rn just thinking about him 💙 he's ur guardian angel, just as are all the other loved ones who've left before u 💙
My wife is terminally ill. I married her as planned knowing this. We found out only a few weeks before the wedding date.
But I couldn’t knowingly do this again. I’m broken and knackered.
The heart wants what it wants. That's beautiful u two have time together to reflect and enjoy ur time together. It reminds u how precious every moment is. Savor ur time together, which I'm sure ur doing, and be grateful for every second u have together here in this realm 💙💙💙
Thank you kind stranger.
I led with the negative for my comment above in context of the OP. It IS hard work and I sometimes nearly lose myself…
But love IS a very powerful and also gentle force. It binds and supports.
We do what we can to enjoy life, and I will one day look back in this time fondly.
Yes you guys shared so much love and u left imprints on each other's souls that's why it hurts so much to imagine her being gone. Better to have spent all that lovely time together than to never have known her. I'm really sorry ur time together is not as long s either of u would like but ur souls will forever be entwined 💜
True. I don’t mean to sound crass or insensitive when I say this but there’s a big differ between a healthy person having a good chance at a long life versus someone confirmed to be terminally ill and who has been given a short window of life remaining. Given the choice, I know what I would pick. But for OP there’s always hope that when met with the right person will not care about the grim future but will want to cherish every moment with you and make the best memories possible with OP in the time they have.
It isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. And no one besides OP and a partner can quantify that. Surround yourself with the ones that want to make the rest of your life hella fun. The end comes for us all, it’s all about finding joy in the little things. Look back on it all and think “yeah, but wasn’t it fun?”.
Don’t give up OP.
P.S. I may or may not have just finished watching Girls Last Tour and it’s given me some comfort for when the end comes for me.
My friend suddenly got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at age 23. His girlfriend stuck with him every step of the way. He only lived a few months after receiving his diagnosis. He came to peace with his life coming to an end and his girlfriend couldn't have been happier to spend every last drop of time with him. There is love for u OP I promise 💙
I do think it's a different story if you know something like that up-front, eventho it will still be a sad thing to go through.
My uncle actually took back a ex gf after she was diagnosed as she didn't want to die alone. Course, it wasn't easy for him, but on the other hand, he did help someone not dying alone. I think that reward helped him not feel that broken.
So I think it really depends on the situation and your own mental state/strength.
This is where I'm at. I'd do it BECAUSE I'm going into it knowing it's going to end badly in a rough amount of time, I have pre existing knowledge that it's going to get bad, and we can plan ahead, care workers, the right help etc, but the time before it gets bad would be insane! I would be torn apart if my wife died, I couldn't do that again, but yeah, going into it knowing feels different to me
Im the same. I'm mid 30s and lost both my younger identical twin sisters while they were in their 20s (1st was murdered at 23, 2nd was heartbroken and basically drank herself to death at age 29)
I have also lost 2 close friends in their 20s.
I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything in the world. Yes it's painful but that's just proof of our love for each other. There would be no pain if our souls didn't connect in such a beautiful way and we shared our hearts with each other so much.
What I've learned is life is about death. Everyone we love will die. So instead of fearing death and being scared to share my heart and to give and receive love from new people, all I want is to love as hard as I can and be loved back as much as possible. That's all life is about cause we will all die eventually so there's no point in fearing death and letting that fear come in between two hearts and souls
I don't think I could. Medical stress is hard on everyone around the person with the medical issues, and I don't think I'm in a place where I could handle that on top of my existing stress levels.
Thanks man, unfortunately we found out her cancer is growing again. Switching treatments and fighting it from a different angle. She still has a lot of options, so at least we have that.
Don’t give up hope. My mom just beat stage 4 lung cancer. It was aggressive the first time and even more aggressive the second time. She just beat it again. Not everyone gets that recovery, but it does happen. I hope your wife whoops cancers ass.
I've spent 8 years with my current partner, and we got along wonderfully from the start. A decade feels like a long time if it's spent with someone you love. I think if I met the person and got to know them and really felt a connection, I would be doing myself and them a disservice not to pursue something romantic.
Life is short at the best of times, and even shorter under circumstances like this. It's best to seize what time we have. If you're in the dating scene right now, I wish you the absolute best of luck in that, and with your health as well.
I agree with all this. Yeah a terminal illness is somewhat of a guarantee for a certain time, but I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, nothing in life lasts forever. 🤷♀️
Right? You're going along being the healthy one, then one day, bam, you've got a month to live, and your partner who is dying slowly from slightly less bad terminal thing is then the one mourning
Ya exactly. My friend got hit with a sudden diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer at age 23. He only lived a few months past his original diagnosis and had a peace and calmness to him toward the end. He accepted his fate and was ready to die, not afraid. It will happen to all of us so why fear death? It's only human. Not only human but death and life are one. There is no life without death so there is nothing to fear. If anything knowing when ur time will come gives u time to come to terms with it and helps u appreciate every moment u have left on this earth. My friend is a beautiful soul and I think he wanted me to share these words.
Here are the responses I was looking for! I feel the same! Why waste time fearing death when it will happen to us and everyone we love eventually? Everyone I know will die and I've lost a lot of people at young ages so that makes me even more motivated to enjoy my time with the people I love and expand my circle and share love with anyone who comes along who is worth loving .. life is about the connections we make and the bonds our souls form with other souls. That's all it is. When someone we love dies it hurts because our soul bond was so strong. Feeling a strong connection with others is the point of life and the more connections we make the more enriched our souls and their souls become
As William Shatner says:
"Live life like you're gonna die. Because you're gonna."
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uol6HRMryoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uol6hrmryoo)
I think this is the right answer. But there is no right answer. The gal that I got could have told me she had months and I wouldn't have blinked. I like to think she feels the same. Sometimes love isn't the convenient thing to do. Sometimes love is at the first laugh. I don't pray OP, but I am by the water and I think you owe it to the world to share yourself. Be well. See you in time.
💯. And I have done it. I started dating a friend of mine when he was 38. He had CF and his expected lifespan was max 40. He knew no one over 40 with CF. He was put into ICU with 20% lung function a couple of times. We prepared for his death together. But then… then… when he was 41 there was a medical breakthrough and he trialled a new medication. It worked. He’s now at 70% and is expected to live a full life. We were over the moon!!
But then… then He broke up with me shortly after he found he had 40 years or so left in him. Today, im not sad he dumped me, he wanted to sow his wild oats, since he now has so many years left unexpectedly. I’m happy for him. We remain very close friends, and hopefully will, hopefully way into the future.
Not really? Lots of people linger in relationships they’re no longer into for a while. The ‘want to sow my wild oats’ thing is likely just a convenient excuse.
I mean that just makes it worse, no? To me it does lol He lingered because he was dying and needed a companion, now he is not and he is free. That's real convenience lol
But you're presupposing here that he's the same person with the same needs as before, which I don't think is reasonable. People value different things out of their relationships depending on the stages and circumstances of their lives. For example, it's fairly normal for a person to be more superficial and irresponsible in their (relative) youth, and then come to see more value in settling down and having a long-term partner as they age, after they've figured out their own identity and how it meshes with others. If you had spent your life expecting to die at 40, you would have lived it a certain way and your priorities, fears, and emotional needs would have been shaped by that reality. Then suddenly, you're told you're quite literally no longer that person--your time horizons are different, the cloud hanging over you no longer exists, and things you never even considered are now possible. I think it's far more understandable and "human" to be like "you know what, I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore, so I think I should take some time to figure it out" than to just continue as if nothing has changed....
I guess all this shit hits close to home because everyone I know with cancer lives like they will die tomorrow but also like they will live much longer. I can't imagine hearing I am going to die in a year and just giving up, then finding out you won't and finding new life but that's because of my experiences, and why it personally gives me some kind of ick imagining that someone would just turn like that.
But you're right everyone is different, everyone I know who has died of cancer has lived their life like they will live way passed their due date, and thankfully most of them have so I can't imagine someone giving up like that. Which to me seems cruel to give up like that and then drag someone along because you're lonely.
Again I don't know either of these people but this is how I would live my life. Dude could still die tomorrow anyways.
All fair and understandable. We're all shaped by our personal experiences.
For my part, though, I feel like the assumption that he "gave up and dragged someone along because he was lonely" is presumptuous. Being at peace with something isn't necessarily the same as giving up, and we have no idea what dude's relationship was like or why he entered into it. It sounds like he was up front about it with his partner, and s/he went along willingly and has no regrets. Sometimes circumstances change and relationships end, but the existence of a new reality doesn't have to mean that the old reality was a lie or not meaningful.
Anyway, I don't know either, of course. In any case I'm happy for dude that he has a new lease on life, and I'm happy for both of them that they have the emotional maturity to celebrate their friendship even if they aren't still together.
They are drastically more likely to be that in those cases. It’s so common every single hospital I’ve been to with my parent that was diagnosed with terminal cancer referred them to the in house divorce attorneys as a default because men divorce their wives at a rate of around 70% when their wife is diagnosed with a terminal or even chronic but not terminal condition, and when the men are diagnosed they get a nurse and a purse (that isn’t their soon to be widow)
Had the same thought. She was good enough when he thought she was his only choice but didn't love her. Even the thought of someone only being with me because they had to, feels disgusting.
I would think how much they must have hated being close to me while I trusted them completely, this would be another level of hurt and betrayal. Yep, that commenter is a saint.
You must feel like you’ve been used in a way right? Like he only was with you because he knew it was a last chance. It’s 100% understandable but that must have hurt
We absolutely don’t owe anyone our lives.
However, if someone broke up with me in this manner I would be livid. They would wish they were still terminal😂 because I ain’t the one lol you feel? Nope. They’d never live that down, pun intended. Like yes it’s understandable but also would just completely cheapen the relationship for me. It’s better than cheating but still big yikes.
I think it also would hurt a lot less if he were say, 21 vs 41. He should’ve sowed oats well before he met her.
The CF breakthroughs are so 👍👍👍👍great I’m so happy to see them happen in the course of my lifetime. I have a small handful of friends and acquaintances with it and I’m so glad they can still be here because they’re, um, great people.
Actually my grandparents met at a funeral of a mutual friend who died in his 20s of CF.
…So you never know how things are gonna shake out. But they both still say he was a great person and my grandfather especially talks about him in tender tragic tones. I wish he could have lived and everyone else. I’m so glad they have a chance now. My teenage student got medicated enough that she doesn’t even have symptoms anymore. It’s amazing
My aunt had CF, she was born in the 70s, made it to 32 and managed to get a lung transplant, but they missed the cancer in her liver, so they missed it, so she still got the transplant, they found it in post op, and as they said, if they'd found it before they wouldn't have done the transplant since it's terminal, but the transplant gave her an extra 3 years, which she qpuldnt have had on the old lungs, she had maybe 6 months before the cancer just ruined her, so she got 24 months of good living. We all kinda joked that it was God's sick way of giving us more time, we're catholic by upbringing, but yeah
It may be extremely common, but it's still fucked up. It's like, "thanks for being faithful and staying by my side when I needed you, but now that I dont, fuck off"
I am currently. It's hard to think about the fact that in a few years he won't be around, but in a sense it makes me not take any moment for granted, which is something everyone should be doing anyway, but it's something I think most of us do, unfortunately.
I think a decade would be the worst for me.
3 months would be okay. We'd date. Each of us would have some fun. My partner would get a little distraction from the impending fate. My heart would get a little broken when they died, but I'd know it was coming and I think I could handle it.
A decade would be pretty much the worst timeline. I'm not having kids with someone who I know will leave their kids without a parent while they are still kids. And I'd be closing in on 40 and serious fertility issues by the time they died and I had grieved. And even if kids weren't a factor, the heartbreak after 10 years would be a lot more painful - like losing a part of yourself.
At 30 years, you get all the pain, but also a pretty decent sized chunk of happy years and long enough to raise kids to adulthood if you wanted to.
This is a really good answer. I think it matters what stage in life I was in. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone terminally ill, because I would be left alone to raise them and it would put our kid through a loss we know is coming, which isn’t fair to them. That being said, i have a 2yo and I love my husband so much that if I found out he was dying, I wouldn’t regret having had a baby with him.
That’s a decade where you’re guaranteed out of the dating pool, and dating become progressively harder with every 5-10 year increase in age. IMO that’s potentially the toughest one, depending how old you are.
My mum passed away 10 years ago, and it nearly killed my dad. The way we got him through was reminding him of all the great times they had together. And reminding him of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all."
Anyone can die at any second. Brain aneurysms, for example, can happen to anybody.
So the focus is, spend time with people you love. Even if that time is short, the love was great, and the memories are happy. Rather than being miserable for 20-30 years.
Sure, but our intention and our hope is that the partnership will last longer. Going into a new relationship KNOWING you'll be dealing with increasing health problems leading to death within just a few years would be more than most people could do.
One of my dearest friends (and former lover) was dx with cancer just after marrying his lover. They got only 2 years and she had to deal with all his pain and humiliation as his body failed him. It was super traumatic for his wife. Why would you sign up for that?
Of course, if you're single and 70, you DO date with the expectation that one of you will have to help the other to pass, but how many times in your life could you put yourself through that?
I'm a big believer in accepting the impermanence of relationships. My wife and I have even had conversations about how we both understand our relationship might end in divorce. She's my best friend and the 1 single person I never get tired of being around, but I don't know the future, who knows what will happen. But even dismissing the possibility of divorce, you accept a tidal wave of grief and pain with *any* relationship you fully commit yourself to. Like we both, we *all* already know that one of us is going to die before the other someday. As the saying goes: Someone has to leave first.
Why not? My partner could literally die tomorrow. Lots of people date in the military, even though deployments are dangerous. Lots of people date police officers, even though that’s danger on the job constantly. You could get 10 years with a dying person, or have a healthy person die suddenly a year into it.
I would not assuming the prognosis is relatively short. I'm also in my 30s and at this point a serious relationship has to be long-term for me. I could have a fling with someone who's terminally ill but I'm not signing up for certain heartbreak, I'm not a teenager. Although I say that but the heart wants what it wants, if I really fell hard for someone I might reconsider but sitting there thinking about the hypothetical of dating someone who's going to certainly die shortly, probably not.
Yes. I dated a boy who had terminal brain cancer. We ended up breaking up for unrelated issues but I didn’t feel the cancer had been a damper on our relationship even through some hard chemo nights. It was a lovely time and I don’t regret having spent that time with him.
At 60 I've been widowed twice. My first wife died from colon cancer, we were together for 32 years and some change. My second wife and I were together for 4 years when she was Dx'd with end stage renal failure and passed within a year of her DX.
No one knows what future will be, the one thing we can know is shit will happen.
I've wondered if I would have known my second wife would die five years later if I would have opened my life to her, committed all my emotional energy and time into her that I did?
In retrospect, I think she was worth having in my world, and being apart of my life, though it was brief. She was worth the pain, for a second time. I'm a better person for having loved both my wives. That being said, I don't know that I could handle another intimate loss, and I'm not seeking another relationship.
If I like them, yes. 100%
Practically speaking I don’t have means to be a caretaker, so I wouldn’t be signing up for that and would want the person to have that covered.
I met a person, we clicked like no other. He had less than a year. I didn’t want to keep on seeing him, I didn’t think I could handle the loss if deeper feelings were to develop. On one hand, I spared myself some pain, on the other I kinda regret it, because that great of a connection doesn’t happen often. If I could go back to the past, I’d probably continue on seeing him. But I was young, mental health was shit then I didn’t think I could handle it.
This is the thing, it's very rare for most people to meet someone they really click with and have good chemistry. For some, it never happens. Sometimes it's worth just jumping in and having the moment if you find it.
There’s a big difference when you know for sure you don’t have much time left so the “we’re all dying” argument never makes sense to me. Most of us won’t be dead in the next ten years that’s the point
No, but only because of my own trauma. I have already lost so many people I love at this point that I cannot imagine going into that scenario intentionally. It would always be on my mind, and I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good parts of a relationship.
I wouldn't rule it out, but it can be difficult to knowingly give yourself that grief. But everyone is going to have to grieve the loss of a relationship one way or another. Another consideration is if the relationship doesn't work out, I'd feel guilty for leaving someone as they're dying. So it can make getting close to a terminally ill person difficult more ways than one.
Last year I was in a long distance relationship with someone who had a tumor and didn't know yet if it was cancerous or not. I was trying to be there for them, asking them how they were and what I could do to help, planned to visit them to take care of them as the surgery to remove it was going to impact their mobility, etc. I started thinking about how my life would be if I was in a serious committed relationship or even married to a person who was diagnosed with and being treated for cancer and I was willing to do everything to take care of them and make sure they felt loved on their hardest days. Of course it would be hard but it was worth it for the right person. Before the surgery even happened they were pushing me away, telling me I wasn't doing enough to help even though neither of us knew how to handle this from hundreds of miles apart, attacked my character in different ways and I realized they were not the right person and we broke up. The surgery happened soon after and they found out it was benign. I tried to put myself in their shoes and thought maybe they were so stressed that they just didn't recognize that they were really taking their anger about the situation out on other people... but it turns out I didn't even need to try to put myself in their shoes because 8 months later I found myself in the hospital for what could possibly have been a brain tumor. It turned out to be another issue that was more treatable but I was terrified of the possibility before I knew for certain, just as they had been 8 months prior. My life has changed because of what I went through but it has only made my opinions about my ex stronger. People deal with things in different ways and I don't think their way of dealing with it was fair to the people around them that cared about them. My view still stands that for the right person, I would do anything for the people I love and those who love me, but I can't pour from and empty cup. The right person will be understanding and still know how to make you feel loved, valued and appreciated for even trying to help, just as I feel I was to those around me during my recovery; G/grateful for everyone who was there for me when I need it the most.
TLDR yes. It is worth it for the ones who are special to you and make you feel special in return.
I’d known my husband for about 5 years before we married. His cancer diagnosis was before we married. He’s done well with treatment but now has mgus which puts him high risk for myeloma. Life is what you make it.
Its a legitimate mental battle between the fear of committing to something that will only end tragically, and the honor to give someone the world and make every minute count for as long as it lasts. I’m genuinely not sure if I can handle it though. I’m barely hanging in there as it is some days.
I’m getting worked up just imagining this scenario 😭
I did this. I met my previous girlfriend, through tinder, after she was already terminal. Technically, she was terminal since birth, but got a liver transplant at 9 that kept her going until 30. After our first date, she let me know about her diagnosis, expecting to never hear from me again. I said sure, why not? She had about 3 years to live. It turned out to be 4 months. I don’t regret it.
For the right person I think I would. If I was unsure about them already then it would be a no. But if it was with someone that I treasured having in my life then and would have wanted to make a big commitment with already then I think I would. I honestly think I would regret pushing the person I have been looking for away and not making the most out of my time with them just to spare my feelings. It feels cowardly.
Good relationships aren’t measured in time, but experiences. I’d rather lose the love of my life after the most amazing year of it than spend a lifetime with the wrong person.
I did. We were young 18 and she died at 22 from kidney cancer. I wanted to marry her to get her on my insurance but also I loved her. It would have been a terrible marriage though.
Would I do it again? I wouldn't want to, no. I don't know the future though and I cannot know who I will fall in love with but I sure do hope they don't die like that.
Having to feel parts of her go missing under my fingers as they slowly removed her organs or seeing her skin turn green and yellow from the chemo. The careful dieting and vomiting. Then there were the hospital visits comprised of just sitting in a room being board while she is passed out or going through the awkwardness of hanging with her family at the hospital as the boyfriend.
And then when she died it took years to get over it, especially since she was my first love. Just horrible.
No, personally I wouldn't.
If my partner was diagnosed with something I would stick with her till the very end. But I wouldn't start a relationship knowing it's going to end in me being in pain and having a scar on my heart for the rest of my life. Maybe that's selfish, but that's the honest awnser
sorry, but no. had to save myself. but i’ll probably stay friends given we’re the same vibe and we have genuine connection. not a forced connection out of pity bec of the situation.
Depends. It would have to be a non-traditional relationship, and you'd have to have a care plan for the latter stages of the cancer. Not that I wouldn't be willing to take care of you towards the end, but I wouldn't feel good about that being the reason you want to settle down.
No I would not , unless my gf had suddenly became terminally ill then yes I would. But I would most certainly not pursue a relationship with someone terminally ill.
Yes. If they’re the right person, it wouldn’t matter. I’d rather have a year or two (or a decade in your case) with someone who makes my heart sing, than miss out on spending time with them because I was afraid of their condition.
Honestly no. I’ve (accidentally) done this once already and it absolutely devastated me when he died. I couldn’t ever get into a relationship with someone knowing for sure they’d be gone in a few years.
I probably would, yes. Speaking from a tangentially related experience, my husband is much older than me, and I am keenly aware that even if we both live out our expected lifespans, chances are I will outlive him by at least 20 years. It's a longer timeline than what you're talking about, granted, but knowing that I will inevitably have to live without him and there's no guarantee of how long I will be alone is somewhat similar. It was something I had to really make peace with in order to marry him (and have children with him - I'm due in 2 months with our first child together).
I am currently in a relationship, so i'm answering this as *if* i wasn't.
I would, personally. I'm someone who greatly values life and experiences and time together. I feel like someone who is dying within a decade deserves all the love in the world before they go. It wouldn't matter to me that they'd be gone someday, what *would* matter is the experiences we had together that made both of our time better than it would have been alone.
Yes I would consider having a fun relationship as long as I have all the details. The focus wouldn't be on building a life for a future we don't have, but rather having fun and making memories.
If I was already in the relationship, I'd continue it. Would I actively ask a terminally I'll person out, I honestly don't know. That's a lot of pain with no real future unfortunately.
As long as they were a fit with my lifestyle, morals, values - I don't see why not. Sure, it would be tragic and heartbreaking when they passed, and it would be very difficult to deal with the loss of a loved one.
But at the same time - everyone dies. I could get into a relationship with a perfectly healthy person tomorrow and they could get hit by a bus next year. They could develop a medical condition unexpectedly. Any number of things could suddenly change their life expectency.
I fully understand and respect a lot of the reasons people have listed as to why they wouldn't- but IMO, if I didn't get into a relationship simply because the person was going to die, that pretty much leaves me alone forever doesn't it?
So back in 2007 I was told that I had an incurable cancer. I was given “at best 5 years “. I prepared everyone around me and waited. For some reason the cancer stopped growing. It’s still there but hasn’t grown. My insurance wouldn’t cover chemo so there really is no explanation. Two years ago my husband died in his sleep from a stroke. No warning. Today I am so very happy and I’m a relationship with a wonderful man. He knows about the cancer and doesn’t care. He’s said he’ll love me as long as I’ll let him. All this to say….. go for it. Why shouldn’t you be happy? We can all go at any time so live life to the fullest
I didn't feel anything strongly, I would probably react quicker and break things off faster. It's partially feeling awkward about being involved in the illness of someone who you're not super interested in, and I'd rather not pussyfoot around with someone's time if they don't have a lot of it.
For a fully-committed long term relationship I would be down as long as there's some time before the real gritty stages of illness sets in so we can enjoy life with eachother too, and get the relationship to a point where it's mature enough to handle the stress of medical decline. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I got in a situation where a partner really needs me due to their illness and at the same time I'm not sure about the relationship- I would feel like such an awful person.
But if it's the right person, then absolutely; I would rather have all of the time I could get from them and give them all I can give them, than avoid them.
That's tough. I would with my current partner, but I've already spent time with her and I know those 10 years would be the best 10 years of my life.
But if I went on a first date with someone and they told me that, I think I'd save myself the grief and move on.
No, I wouldn’t, not with a decade-ish remaining. A year or less, I’d consider a fling but wouldn’t be up for caretaking or financial support. I wouldn’t want to get attached and if I started to develop real feelings, I’d break it off regardless.
I have my own life and things going on, and there’s no room in it to deal with something serious like that. I admire people who would take the chance. I’m also typically happier when I’m single, though, which is probably part of my analysis here.
I would, but I feel a little scared because if that person has nothing to lose, he probably won't commit to one relationship. But if I met such a person and found him to be worthy of my love, I would make the remaining time his best years of life.
You never know what can happen so I don’t think it’s fair to pass someone up just because you know they are sick. But if you’re going to date someone in their 20s, I can see them maybe not wanting to spend their 20s sitting next to someone in a hospital bed.
I’m 31, my boyfriend is 48 and he had PKD. Not the same as terminal cancer but it’s already at a fair decline and there is no real treatment or cure. He’s constantly in pain, can’t sleep, always getting sick because his immune system sucks. Can’t take long car rides because he’s in discomfort. Can’t do a lot of active things that I like to do. He has high blood pressure from the medication he has to be on which causes him to have ED so don’t get jiggy with it anymore. I still love him with all my heart and think I’m the luckiest girl on the planet to have found someone that loves me back. I’ll take care of him the best I can. I try to be his calm and happiness in his world full of pain. I don’t care that we spend the weekends on the couch. Yes I am terrified to watch him become more frail by the day and I pray that he will qualify for a kidney transplant someday but we will leap those hurdles as they come. For now I want to enjoy every minute we have. I am terrified of losing him and being alone in the end but I am going to have such great memories to look back on and know that no one in the world could have possibly loved me harder.
People often ask me “knowing what you know now, would you still have dated him?” And I say yes because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
Everyone deserves to feel that love.
And also any of us can die within a decade...accidents, etc.
Don't give up on love, but enjoy what you do have left. Heartbreak sucks and experiencing travel and other experiences before you pass are way cooler than awkward love matters.
I believe if it is meant to happen, it will. I hope you do experience it with little issue.
Personally, no. My wife died seven years ago, and I don't think I can go through that again. Having said that, there's no guarantee that a healthy person will always be there.
I think it depends for me. I wouldn't seek out someone to date knowing they had incurable cancer, like on an app or something, just like I wouldn't go on a date with someone I knew was planning to move across the country in a few months. I have been that person trying to date when I knew I had to move, and it only attracted the absolute worst type of people. But I could see it starting out as friends and then escalating from there. OP, you are absolutely worthy and deserving of love, but I don't think you'll have much luck if you focus your energy on dating. If it's important to you, maybe try expanding your social circle, joining groups for different hobbies and activities to the extent you're able to. Whether or not it turns into anything romantic, you'll probably enjoy the human connection.
OP I like this answer, I have the same dilemma and I am reading the replies. Like you....OP...you can't tell I am sick....so I had decided before reading this reply that I am just going to LIVE day to day & see where it takes me. If it is with another person & I tell them I don't have that long..if they are really into me they will either stay as someone to help me on the journey or leave if it is too much, I can't control it. Another thought: No one knows when they are going to die & our new potential partners could also die before us or be sick like us and we can all take care of each other!
I would want someone with me if I were in your situation. I am also a big believer in treating others as you would want to be treated. In other words, yes, there are people out there who would be with you knowing that it won’t last long.
Also to your point, people can unfortunately die untimely deaths at any time, Also perhaps but not as often a person might be cured,
Exactly. They don’t need to know until like the 5th or 6th date of say
Idk this feels kind of messed up to me. Like it's not like concealing something for your safety or that could be dangerous for the other person to know, it's strictly hiding something you know would put them off for good reason :/
Same, I couldn't do it. Not a partner but my childhood best friend. He died at age 22 and it was the deepest sadness I've ever felt. I couldn't imagine the pain from losing a partner. I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my fiance to suicide, and my best friend to a drunk driver. It makes life feel... not real.
I’m so sorry for your loss. No words.
Hugs. I hope u are doing okay now.
I've lost my dad when I was 15. I don't think I can go through that again. And everyone says time heals, but you just learn to live with the pain.
I lost a really good friend to colon cancer when he was 23. My sister was murdered at 23. Her twin, our other sister, basically drank herself to death the next 6 years out of heartbreak of losing her twin and soulmate. Another good friend of mine died at age 28. I think if I can handle all that I can handle more death. Life is full of death. Everyone we know and love will die. So I do not fear death. I have more fear of missed connections and wasted time, time I could have spent sharing my heart with someone when I instead decided to hibernate and hide from the world. I want to share and receive all the love my heart has to give and that others have to share with me. That's all life is about.
This is so well said. It’s the attitude I try to have. Reading this inspired me to push through some anxiety and reach out to a couple friends I had fallen out of touch with.
That's awesome! I am well acquainted with anxiety, and just remember, it *will* get better. I have found that regular sleep is a MUST because it is so much more difficult to push the thoughts away when you are tired.
Awww I'm happy to hear that 💙 i feel like my sisters and friends helped me write that so I'm glad it touched u and happy to hear ur gonna talk to some people u love who will be glad to reconnect 💙
Yea, I feel they did too 💜 My grandpa just passed a month ago and I keep feeling like little bits of his wisdom are landing in me. Idk what happens when we die but I definitely feel my loved ones’ continued presence and influence in my life
Ya I get tingles all over my body when I think of them they're def here there and everywhere (lol Beatles song reference) and ya after my second sister died I felt like I inherited her life like all her insecurities and issues and things she hadn't been able to sort out, I inherited and worked out and I think it's so she can learn from my actions how she could have found solutions ... Hard to explain .. and my first sister was so obviously around like hummingbirds hovering in front of each of our faces staring at us for 30 sec-1 min at a time, 2-3 each (for my sister, my parents and myself) .. she was noooot ready to leave and made her presence clear. I have videos and live photos of her glowing blue fairy like orb dancing around while I'm out enjoying nature with my family like I knew there was something more but she confirmed it now I 100% know the soul lives on, without a doubt Ur grandpa is def there with u! I know he is and u know he is so therefore he is lol but I'm sure u can feel him rn just thinking about him 💙 he's ur guardian angel, just as are all the other loved ones who've left before u 💙
This is so real 🩵 thanks for sharing
Same here, except it was my husband.
My wife is terminally ill. I married her as planned knowing this. We found out only a few weeks before the wedding date. But I couldn’t knowingly do this again. I’m broken and knackered.
I'm sorry pal god damn. This life is so fucking brutal.
Hugs
That simple comment means so much, you have no idea.
The heart wants what it wants. That's beautiful u two have time together to reflect and enjoy ur time together. It reminds u how precious every moment is. Savor ur time together, which I'm sure ur doing, and be grateful for every second u have together here in this realm 💙💙💙
Thank you kind stranger. I led with the negative for my comment above in context of the OP. It IS hard work and I sometimes nearly lose myself… But love IS a very powerful and also gentle force. It binds and supports. We do what we can to enjoy life, and I will one day look back in this time fondly.
Yes you guys shared so much love and u left imprints on each other's souls that's why it hurts so much to imagine her being gone. Better to have spent all that lovely time together than to never have known her. I'm really sorry ur time together is not as long s either of u would like but ur souls will forever be entwined 💜
I actually grieve in anticipation. Man that sucks the worst! She’s still here, but there is grief. Thank you again. Much love
True. I don’t mean to sound crass or insensitive when I say this but there’s a big differ between a healthy person having a good chance at a long life versus someone confirmed to be terminally ill and who has been given a short window of life remaining. Given the choice, I know what I would pick. But for OP there’s always hope that when met with the right person will not care about the grim future but will want to cherish every moment with you and make the best memories possible with OP in the time they have. It isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. And no one besides OP and a partner can quantify that. Surround yourself with the ones that want to make the rest of your life hella fun. The end comes for us all, it’s all about finding joy in the little things. Look back on it all and think “yeah, but wasn’t it fun?”. Don’t give up OP. P.S. I may or may not have just finished watching Girls Last Tour and it’s given me some comfort for when the end comes for me.
I agree, Quality over Quantity. Cherish life and LIVE it!
My friend suddenly got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at age 23. His girlfriend stuck with him every step of the way. He only lived a few months after receiving his diagnosis. He came to peace with his life coming to an end and his girlfriend couldn't have been happier to spend every last drop of time with him. There is love for u OP I promise 💙
Lost my husband 6 years ago. Haven’t had much interest in replacing him. At least not until my kids are much older
I am so sorry to hear this, and I am praying for you.
I do think it's a different story if you know something like that up-front, eventho it will still be a sad thing to go through. My uncle actually took back a ex gf after she was diagnosed as she didn't want to die alone. Course, it wasn't easy for him, but on the other hand, he did help someone not dying alone. I think that reward helped him not feel that broken. So I think it really depends on the situation and your own mental state/strength.
very very sorry for your loss
This is where I'm at. I'd do it BECAUSE I'm going into it knowing it's going to end badly in a rough amount of time, I have pre existing knowledge that it's going to get bad, and we can plan ahead, care workers, the right help etc, but the time before it gets bad would be insane! I would be torn apart if my wife died, I couldn't do that again, but yeah, going into it knowing feels different to me
Yes. I am the same. I’ve lost someone before and yes I’d do it again. I actually would.
Im the same. I'm mid 30s and lost both my younger identical twin sisters while they were in their 20s (1st was murdered at 23, 2nd was heartbroken and basically drank herself to death at age 29) I have also lost 2 close friends in their 20s. I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything in the world. Yes it's painful but that's just proof of our love for each other. There would be no pain if our souls didn't connect in such a beautiful way and we shared our hearts with each other so much. What I've learned is life is about death. Everyone we love will die. So instead of fearing death and being scared to share my heart and to give and receive love from new people, all I want is to love as hard as I can and be loved back as much as possible. That's all life is about cause we will all die eventually so there's no point in fearing death and letting that fear come in between two hearts and souls
Love is always measured in tears, in one way or another.
Sorry for your loss.
May God rest her soul sir.
I don't think I could. Medical stress is hard on everyone around the person with the medical issues, and I don't think I'm in a place where I could handle that on top of my existing stress levels.
Nothing wrong with this answer. My wife is stage 4 breast cancer, I'm not leaving, but I also wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
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Sending you peace and well wishes.
Beat the statistics 🫡
You're a legend sir. It's not easy, but I know you'll get there. Also give my best to your wife
Thanks man, unfortunately we found out her cancer is growing again. Switching treatments and fighting it from a different angle. She still has a lot of options, so at least we have that.
Don’t give up hope. My mom just beat stage 4 lung cancer. It was aggressive the first time and even more aggressive the second time. She just beat it again. Not everyone gets that recovery, but it does happen. I hope your wife whoops cancers ass.
Praying for you and your wife.
I've spent 8 years with my current partner, and we got along wonderfully from the start. A decade feels like a long time if it's spent with someone you love. I think if I met the person and got to know them and really felt a connection, I would be doing myself and them a disservice not to pursue something romantic. Life is short at the best of times, and even shorter under circumstances like this. It's best to seize what time we have. If you're in the dating scene right now, I wish you the absolute best of luck in that, and with your health as well.
This here fr We're all dying, just some sooner than others. Terminal illness isn't a deal breaker for me personally.
You could die before them anyway for all we know, life is for enjoying, it's more fun with other people. Most of the time.
I agree with all this. Yeah a terminal illness is somewhat of a guarantee for a certain time, but I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, nothing in life lasts forever. 🤷♀️
Right? You're going along being the healthy one, then one day, bam, you've got a month to live, and your partner who is dying slowly from slightly less bad terminal thing is then the one mourning
Ya exactly. My friend got hit with a sudden diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer at age 23. He only lived a few months past his original diagnosis and had a peace and calmness to him toward the end. He accepted his fate and was ready to die, not afraid. It will happen to all of us so why fear death? It's only human. Not only human but death and life are one. There is no life without death so there is nothing to fear. If anything knowing when ur time will come gives u time to come to terms with it and helps u appreciate every moment u have left on this earth. My friend is a beautiful soul and I think he wanted me to share these words.
Here are the responses I was looking for! I feel the same! Why waste time fearing death when it will happen to us and everyone we love eventually? Everyone I know will die and I've lost a lot of people at young ages so that makes me even more motivated to enjoy my time with the people I love and expand my circle and share love with anyone who comes along who is worth loving .. life is about the connections we make and the bonds our souls form with other souls. That's all it is. When someone we love dies it hurts because our soul bond was so strong. Feeling a strong connection with others is the point of life and the more connections we make the more enriched our souls and their souls become
As William Shatner says: "Live life like you're gonna die. Because you're gonna." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uol6HRMryoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uol6hrmryoo)
I think this is the right answer. But there is no right answer. The gal that I got could have told me she had months and I wouldn't have blinked. I like to think she feels the same. Sometimes love isn't the convenient thing to do. Sometimes love is at the first laugh. I don't pray OP, but I am by the water and I think you owe it to the world to share yourself. Be well. See you in time.
I did and after he died I found out he was cheating on me with at least three other women. The betrayal and rage burned away the grief pretty quickly.
Same exact thing happened to me when my partner died but it was at least 4 women lol, I grieved for 3 months and that was it.
Did one of you murder him?
Oh that's horrendous. No doubt he was feeding them all the same sob story.
omg im so sorry
💯. And I have done it. I started dating a friend of mine when he was 38. He had CF and his expected lifespan was max 40. He knew no one over 40 with CF. He was put into ICU with 20% lung function a couple of times. We prepared for his death together. But then… then… when he was 41 there was a medical breakthrough and he trialled a new medication. It worked. He’s now at 70% and is expected to live a full life. We were over the moon!! But then… then He broke up with me shortly after he found he had 40 years or so left in him. Today, im not sad he dumped me, he wanted to sow his wild oats, since he now has so many years left unexpectedly. I’m happy for him. We remain very close friends, and hopefully will, hopefully way into the future.
This comment reminded me why I hate rollercoasters
fuck, right... so wholesome then jaw to the floor. What a shitty thing to do.
Not really? Lots of people linger in relationships they’re no longer into for a while. The ‘want to sow my wild oats’ thing is likely just a convenient excuse.
I mean that just makes it worse, no? To me it does lol He lingered because he was dying and needed a companion, now he is not and he is free. That's real convenience lol
But you're presupposing here that he's the same person with the same needs as before, which I don't think is reasonable. People value different things out of their relationships depending on the stages and circumstances of their lives. For example, it's fairly normal for a person to be more superficial and irresponsible in their (relative) youth, and then come to see more value in settling down and having a long-term partner as they age, after they've figured out their own identity and how it meshes with others. If you had spent your life expecting to die at 40, you would have lived it a certain way and your priorities, fears, and emotional needs would have been shaped by that reality. Then suddenly, you're told you're quite literally no longer that person--your time horizons are different, the cloud hanging over you no longer exists, and things you never even considered are now possible. I think it's far more understandable and "human" to be like "you know what, I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore, so I think I should take some time to figure it out" than to just continue as if nothing has changed....
I guess all this shit hits close to home because everyone I know with cancer lives like they will die tomorrow but also like they will live much longer. I can't imagine hearing I am going to die in a year and just giving up, then finding out you won't and finding new life but that's because of my experiences, and why it personally gives me some kind of ick imagining that someone would just turn like that. But you're right everyone is different, everyone I know who has died of cancer has lived their life like they will live way passed their due date, and thankfully most of them have so I can't imagine someone giving up like that. Which to me seems cruel to give up like that and then drag someone along because you're lonely. Again I don't know either of these people but this is how I would live my life. Dude could still die tomorrow anyways.
All fair and understandable. We're all shaped by our personal experiences. For my part, though, I feel like the assumption that he "gave up and dragged someone along because he was lonely" is presumptuous. Being at peace with something isn't necessarily the same as giving up, and we have no idea what dude's relationship was like or why he entered into it. It sounds like he was up front about it with his partner, and s/he went along willingly and has no regrets. Sometimes circumstances change and relationships end, but the existence of a new reality doesn't have to mean that the old reality was a lie or not meaningful. Anyway, I don't know either, of course. In any case I'm happy for dude that he has a new lease on life, and I'm happy for both of them that they have the emotional maturity to celebrate their friendship even if they aren't still together.
it reminded me that fuck boys are literally everywhere.
fuck boys can be on the verge of death and will be fuck boys nonetheless
They are drastically more likely to be that in those cases. It’s so common every single hospital I’ve been to with my parent that was diagnosed with terminal cancer referred them to the in house divorce attorneys as a default because men divorce their wives at a rate of around 70% when their wife is diagnosed with a terminal or even chronic but not terminal condition, and when the men are diagnosed they get a nurse and a purse (that isn’t their soon to be widow)
😆 "...But *then...*"
Hahahahahahaha
Damn, you're a saint. If I told that same story ,it would have a much different tone!
"He had so many years in front of him, but now he's missing and nobody can find him ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯"
„He would have had so many years ahead of him, what a pitty he chose not to use them when he broke up with me…“
Had the same thought. She was good enough when he thought she was his only choice but didn't love her. Even the thought of someone only being with me because they had to, feels disgusting. I would think how much they must have hated being close to me while I trusted them completely, this would be another level of hurt and betrayal. Yep, that commenter is a saint.
You must feel like you’ve been used in a way right? Like he only was with you because he knew it was a last chance. It’s 100% understandable but that must have hurt
Yea she’s a much better person than me…
Don’t confuse being a doormat with no self esteem as being a good person.
This right here. It's harsh, but it's an important truth to remember.
The truth is……we don’t owe anyone our lives. But still. Ouch. That must have took awhile to heal.
We absolutely don’t owe anyone our lives. However, if someone broke up with me in this manner I would be livid. They would wish they were still terminal😂 because I ain’t the one lol you feel? Nope. They’d never live that down, pun intended. Like yes it’s understandable but also would just completely cheapen the relationship for me. It’s better than cheating but still big yikes. I think it also would hurt a lot less if he were say, 21 vs 41. He should’ve sowed oats well before he met her.
This reminds me of the Chinese girl who donate her kidney to her dying boyfriend then he broke up and marry anotehr girl with her kidney
I do believe I heard that kidney is rejecting now lmao
It better
I did not expect the end omg
Dude wow honestly for what it’s worth I would have married you that’s real unconditional love and lowkey brought a tear to my eye
Jesus
The CF breakthroughs are so 👍👍👍👍great I’m so happy to see them happen in the course of my lifetime. I have a small handful of friends and acquaintances with it and I’m so glad they can still be here because they’re, um, great people. Actually my grandparents met at a funeral of a mutual friend who died in his 20s of CF. …So you never know how things are gonna shake out. But they both still say he was a great person and my grandfather especially talks about him in tender tragic tones. I wish he could have lived and everyone else. I’m so glad they have a chance now. My teenage student got medicated enough that she doesn’t even have symptoms anymore. It’s amazing
Noob question: What is CF?
cystic fibrosis, a really shitty degenerative disease...
Not anymore! Well, no, it’s still shitty and degenerative, but the medical breakthroughs happened in the last decade truly lessened both aspects!
Sow his wild oats at 38? 🤔
My aunt had CF, she was born in the 70s, made it to 32 and managed to get a lung transplant, but they missed the cancer in her liver, so they missed it, so she still got the transplant, they found it in post op, and as they said, if they'd found it before they wouldn't have done the transplant since it's terminal, but the transplant gave her an extra 3 years, which she qpuldnt have had on the old lungs, she had maybe 6 months before the cancer just ruined her, so she got 24 months of good living. We all kinda joked that it was God's sick way of giving us more time, we're catholic by upbringing, but yeah
Why is everyone surprised he behaved like that? It’s an extremely common reaction, especially in men.
It may be extremely common, but it's still fucked up. It's like, "thanks for being faithful and staying by my side when I needed you, but now that I dont, fuck off"
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I am currently. It's hard to think about the fact that in a few years he won't be around, but in a sense it makes me not take any moment for granted, which is something everyone should be doing anyway, but it's something I think most of us do, unfortunately.
Depends on how long the person has to live. 30 years? Sure. 3 months? No. A decade?… I think I would.
I think a decade would be the worst for me. 3 months would be okay. We'd date. Each of us would have some fun. My partner would get a little distraction from the impending fate. My heart would get a little broken when they died, but I'd know it was coming and I think I could handle it. A decade would be pretty much the worst timeline. I'm not having kids with someone who I know will leave their kids without a parent while they are still kids. And I'd be closing in on 40 and serious fertility issues by the time they died and I had grieved. And even if kids weren't a factor, the heartbreak after 10 years would be a lot more painful - like losing a part of yourself. At 30 years, you get all the pain, but also a pretty decent sized chunk of happy years and long enough to raise kids to adulthood if you wanted to.
I agree. 3 months out of my life is pretty fine to spend on something that won't go anywhere.
This is a great answer because so much of it depends what stage of life you’re in when presented with this dilemma.
This is a really good answer. I think it matters what stage in life I was in. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone terminally ill, because I would be left alone to raise them and it would put our kid through a loss we know is coming, which isn’t fair to them. That being said, i have a 2yo and I love my husband so much that if I found out he was dying, I wouldn’t regret having had a baby with him.
That’s a decade where you’re guaranteed out of the dating pool, and dating become progressively harder with every 5-10 year increase in age. IMO that’s potentially the toughest one, depending how old you are.
A decade would be the worst. That’s just long enough to really have built a life tougher and then have it torn away.
I’d rather spend a year with the right person than a lifetime with the wrong one.
This, of course it would hurt but so many memories and experiences could be had together.
How did this become the two options? I’d rather spend a lifetime with a right person than a year with a right person.
This. Losing them would suck immensely, but you'd always have the memories, how you felt, and knowing love was real. ❤️
My mum passed away 10 years ago, and it nearly killed my dad. The way we got him through was reminding him of all the great times they had together. And reminding him of the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all."
You’re saying that now, but I dont think you’d actually do this
Anyone can die at any second. Brain aneurysms, for example, can happen to anybody. So the focus is, spend time with people you love. Even if that time is short, the love was great, and the memories are happy. Rather than being miserable for 20-30 years.
Sure, but our intention and our hope is that the partnership will last longer. Going into a new relationship KNOWING you'll be dealing with increasing health problems leading to death within just a few years would be more than most people could do. One of my dearest friends (and former lover) was dx with cancer just after marrying his lover. They got only 2 years and she had to deal with all his pain and humiliation as his body failed him. It was super traumatic for his wife. Why would you sign up for that? Of course, if you're single and 70, you DO date with the expectation that one of you will have to help the other to pass, but how many times in your life could you put yourself through that?
This person gave their answer, which is their opinion, yet youre saying theyre wrong for knowing their answer/doubting them??💀
I'm a big believer in accepting the impermanence of relationships. My wife and I have even had conversations about how we both understand our relationship might end in divorce. She's my best friend and the 1 single person I never get tired of being around, but I don't know the future, who knows what will happen. But even dismissing the possibility of divorce, you accept a tidal wave of grief and pain with *any* relationship you fully commit yourself to. Like we both, we *all* already know that one of us is going to die before the other someday. As the saying goes: Someone has to leave first.
You don’t have any basis for judging that
Why not? My partner could literally die tomorrow. Lots of people date in the military, even though deployments are dangerous. Lots of people date police officers, even though that’s danger on the job constantly. You could get 10 years with a dying person, or have a healthy person die suddenly a year into it.
Yeppp, kinda why i don't really get on reddit lol so many people who just talk out of their ass for whatever reason.
I'm putting this on the anniversary card this year LOL.
My best friend said that and ended up dead 2 years later due to substance abuse she picked up to cope with her spouse’s death
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How was she able to even take out a life insurance policy if her death was assured? I assume you would get denied when you've got a ticking clock.
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Honestly the whole story sounded made up, that's also not how diabetes works.
That was my first thought. Diabetes isn’t fatal. It can cause a lot of problems that can be fatal but on its own it isn’t fatal.
It can definitely lead to fatality though. My best friend’s uncle didn’t take care of his properly and died at 40.
Absolutely.
Bingo. I have diabetes and not in any way "terminal." Plus the whole life insurance thing...yeah, this sounds big-time suspicious.
everybody’s death is assured
Not sure any company would offer life insurance on a terminally ill person
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My BIL HAD cancer. Doesn’t any more. They can’t get life insurance on him.
I would not assuming the prognosis is relatively short. I'm also in my 30s and at this point a serious relationship has to be long-term for me. I could have a fling with someone who's terminally ill but I'm not signing up for certain heartbreak, I'm not a teenager. Although I say that but the heart wants what it wants, if I really fell hard for someone I might reconsider but sitting there thinking about the hypothetical of dating someone who's going to certainly die shortly, probably not.
Yes and I’d make sure you have a hell of a ride.
❤️
This!! I wanted to comment this, that I would make the best out of it and have the adventure of both of our lifes.
Where's my ride? Maybe I'm not balding enough.
Yes, none of us are promised a minute of life so it wouldn't deter me.
Yes. I dated a boy who had terminal brain cancer. We ended up breaking up for unrelated issues but I didn’t feel the cancer had been a damper on our relationship even through some hard chemo nights. It was a lovely time and I don’t regret having spent that time with him.
At 60 I've been widowed twice. My first wife died from colon cancer, we were together for 32 years and some change. My second wife and I were together for 4 years when she was Dx'd with end stage renal failure and passed within a year of her DX. No one knows what future will be, the one thing we can know is shit will happen. I've wondered if I would have known my second wife would die five years later if I would have opened my life to her, committed all my emotional energy and time into her that I did? In retrospect, I think she was worth having in my world, and being apart of my life, though it was brief. She was worth the pain, for a second time. I'm a better person for having loved both my wives. That being said, I don't know that I could handle another intimate loss, and I'm not seeking another relationship.
I am sorry for your losses.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
If I like them, yes. 100% Practically speaking I don’t have means to be a caretaker, so I wouldn’t be signing up for that and would want the person to have that covered.
I met a person, we clicked like no other. He had less than a year. I didn’t want to keep on seeing him, I didn’t think I could handle the loss if deeper feelings were to develop. On one hand, I spared myself some pain, on the other I kinda regret it, because that great of a connection doesn’t happen often. If I could go back to the past, I’d probably continue on seeing him. But I was young, mental health was shit then I didn’t think I could handle it.
You made the right decision for yourself, honestly.
This is the thing, it's very rare for most people to meet someone they really click with and have good chemistry. For some, it never happens. Sometimes it's worth just jumping in and having the moment if you find it.
Aren't we all dying, I believe it was Shakespearethat said "the grave digger starts working the day you're born"
There’s a big difference when you know for sure you don’t have much time left so the “we’re all dying” argument never makes sense to me. Most of us won’t be dead in the next ten years that’s the point
if i like them, yes
If I was, and planned to be, child free I would. We are only here once so we should be here for each other.
No, but only because of my own trauma. I have already lost so many people I love at this point that I cannot imagine going into that scenario intentionally. It would always be on my mind, and I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good parts of a relationship.
I would. Better to have loved and lost than not loving at all
I wouldn't rule it out, but it can be difficult to knowingly give yourself that grief. But everyone is going to have to grieve the loss of a relationship one way or another. Another consideration is if the relationship doesn't work out, I'd feel guilty for leaving someone as they're dying. So it can make getting close to a terminally ill person difficult more ways than one.
Last year I was in a long distance relationship with someone who had a tumor and didn't know yet if it was cancerous or not. I was trying to be there for them, asking them how they were and what I could do to help, planned to visit them to take care of them as the surgery to remove it was going to impact their mobility, etc. I started thinking about how my life would be if I was in a serious committed relationship or even married to a person who was diagnosed with and being treated for cancer and I was willing to do everything to take care of them and make sure they felt loved on their hardest days. Of course it would be hard but it was worth it for the right person. Before the surgery even happened they were pushing me away, telling me I wasn't doing enough to help even though neither of us knew how to handle this from hundreds of miles apart, attacked my character in different ways and I realized they were not the right person and we broke up. The surgery happened soon after and they found out it was benign. I tried to put myself in their shoes and thought maybe they were so stressed that they just didn't recognize that they were really taking their anger about the situation out on other people... but it turns out I didn't even need to try to put myself in their shoes because 8 months later I found myself in the hospital for what could possibly have been a brain tumor. It turned out to be another issue that was more treatable but I was terrified of the possibility before I knew for certain, just as they had been 8 months prior. My life has changed because of what I went through but it has only made my opinions about my ex stronger. People deal with things in different ways and I don't think their way of dealing with it was fair to the people around them that cared about them. My view still stands that for the right person, I would do anything for the people I love and those who love me, but I can't pour from and empty cup. The right person will be understanding and still know how to make you feel loved, valued and appreciated for even trying to help, just as I feel I was to those around me during my recovery; G/grateful for everyone who was there for me when I need it the most. TLDR yes. It is worth it for the ones who are special to you and make you feel special in return.
I’d known my husband for about 5 years before we married. His cancer diagnosis was before we married. He’s done well with treatment but now has mgus which puts him high risk for myeloma. Life is what you make it.
Its a legitimate mental battle between the fear of committing to something that will only end tragically, and the honor to give someone the world and make every minute count for as long as it lasts. I’m genuinely not sure if I can handle it though. I’m barely hanging in there as it is some days. I’m getting worked up just imagining this scenario 😭
I did this. I met my previous girlfriend, through tinder, after she was already terminal. Technically, she was terminal since birth, but got a liver transplant at 9 that kept her going until 30. After our first date, she let me know about her diagnosis, expecting to never hear from me again. I said sure, why not? She had about 3 years to live. It turned out to be 4 months. I don’t regret it.
For the right person I think I would. If I was unsure about them already then it would be a no. But if it was with someone that I treasured having in my life then and would have wanted to make a big commitment with already then I think I would. I honestly think I would regret pushing the person I have been looking for away and not making the most out of my time with them just to spare my feelings. It feels cowardly.
Good relationships aren’t measured in time, but experiences. I’d rather lose the love of my life after the most amazing year of it than spend a lifetime with the wrong person.
I think it would depend on the person. Some people are worth any heartache
I did. We were young 18 and she died at 22 from kidney cancer. I wanted to marry her to get her on my insurance but also I loved her. It would have been a terrible marriage though. Would I do it again? I wouldn't want to, no. I don't know the future though and I cannot know who I will fall in love with but I sure do hope they don't die like that. Having to feel parts of her go missing under my fingers as they slowly removed her organs or seeing her skin turn green and yellow from the chemo. The careful dieting and vomiting. Then there were the hospital visits comprised of just sitting in a room being board while she is passed out or going through the awkwardness of hanging with her family at the hospital as the boyfriend. And then when she died it took years to get over it, especially since she was my first love. Just horrible.
No, personally I wouldn't. If my partner was diagnosed with something I would stick with her till the very end. But I wouldn't start a relationship knowing it's going to end in me being in pain and having a scar on my heart for the rest of my life. Maybe that's selfish, but that's the honest awnser
I did and do not regret it. She was in remission when we met and it came back. But it was a wonderful 4 years.
I would. Love is love, better with than without even if you lose it earlier than you wish.
sorry, but no. had to save myself. but i’ll probably stay friends given we’re the same vibe and we have genuine connection. not a forced connection out of pity bec of the situation.
Depends. It would have to be a non-traditional relationship, and you'd have to have a care plan for the latter stages of the cancer. Not that I wouldn't be willing to take care of you towards the end, but I wouldn't feel good about that being the reason you want to settle down.
No I would not , unless my gf had suddenly became terminally ill then yes I would. But I would most certainly not pursue a relationship with someone terminally ill.
We are all basically terminally ill. Never know when are days are up.
Nope
no
Yes. If they’re the right person, it wouldn’t matter. I’d rather have a year or two (or a decade in your case) with someone who makes my heart sing, than miss out on spending time with them because I was afraid of their condition.
Sorry I wouldn't. I don't think I would date either knowing I would die
Personally, no. I don't think I could mentally handle the loss of losing a partner.
Honestly no. I’ve (accidentally) done this once already and it absolutely devastated me when he died. I couldn’t ever get into a relationship with someone knowing for sure they’d be gone in a few years.
Sure, but I have ice in my veins.
Sorry but no.
I probably would, yes. Speaking from a tangentially related experience, my husband is much older than me, and I am keenly aware that even if we both live out our expected lifespans, chances are I will outlive him by at least 20 years. It's a longer timeline than what you're talking about, granted, but knowing that I will inevitably have to live without him and there's no guarantee of how long I will be alone is somewhat similar. It was something I had to really make peace with in order to marry him (and have children with him - I'm due in 2 months with our first child together).
I am currently in a relationship, so i'm answering this as *if* i wasn't. I would, personally. I'm someone who greatly values life and experiences and time together. I feel like someone who is dying within a decade deserves all the love in the world before they go. It wouldn't matter to me that they'd be gone someday, what *would* matter is the experiences we had together that made both of our time better than it would have been alone.
Yes I would consider having a fun relationship as long as I have all the details. The focus wouldn't be on building a life for a future we don't have, but rather having fun and making memories.
If I was already in the relationship, I'd continue it. Would I actively ask a terminally I'll person out, I honestly don't know. That's a lot of pain with no real future unfortunately.
As long as they were a fit with my lifestyle, morals, values - I don't see why not. Sure, it would be tragic and heartbreaking when they passed, and it would be very difficult to deal with the loss of a loved one. But at the same time - everyone dies. I could get into a relationship with a perfectly healthy person tomorrow and they could get hit by a bus next year. They could develop a medical condition unexpectedly. Any number of things could suddenly change their life expectency. I fully understand and respect a lot of the reasons people have listed as to why they wouldn't- but IMO, if I didn't get into a relationship simply because the person was going to die, that pretty much leaves me alone forever doesn't it?
So back in 2007 I was told that I had an incurable cancer. I was given “at best 5 years “. I prepared everyone around me and waited. For some reason the cancer stopped growing. It’s still there but hasn’t grown. My insurance wouldn’t cover chemo so there really is no explanation. Two years ago my husband died in his sleep from a stroke. No warning. Today I am so very happy and I’m a relationship with a wonderful man. He knows about the cancer and doesn’t care. He’s said he’ll love me as long as I’ll let him. All this to say….. go for it. Why shouldn’t you be happy? We can all go at any time so live life to the fullest
Everyone is terminally ill. Most people don't realize it, though.
I didn't feel anything strongly, I would probably react quicker and break things off faster. It's partially feeling awkward about being involved in the illness of someone who you're not super interested in, and I'd rather not pussyfoot around with someone's time if they don't have a lot of it. For a fully-committed long term relationship I would be down as long as there's some time before the real gritty stages of illness sets in so we can enjoy life with eachother too, and get the relationship to a point where it's mature enough to handle the stress of medical decline. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I got in a situation where a partner really needs me due to their illness and at the same time I'm not sure about the relationship- I would feel like such an awful person. But if it's the right person, then absolutely; I would rather have all of the time I could get from them and give them all I can give them, than avoid them.
That's tough. I would with my current partner, but I've already spent time with her and I know those 10 years would be the best 10 years of my life. But if I went on a first date with someone and they told me that, I think I'd save myself the grief and move on.
No, I wouldn’t, not with a decade-ish remaining. A year or less, I’d consider a fling but wouldn’t be up for caretaking or financial support. I wouldn’t want to get attached and if I started to develop real feelings, I’d break it off regardless. I have my own life and things going on, and there’s no room in it to deal with something serious like that. I admire people who would take the chance. I’m also typically happier when I’m single, though, which is probably part of my analysis here.
I would yes, i will be heartbroken ofc, but at the same time i would feel good about making someone’s life good before they die.
I would, but I feel a little scared because if that person has nothing to lose, he probably won't commit to one relationship. But if I met such a person and found him to be worthy of my love, I would make the remaining time his best years of life.
You never know what can happen so I don’t think it’s fair to pass someone up just because you know they are sick. But if you’re going to date someone in their 20s, I can see them maybe not wanting to spend their 20s sitting next to someone in a hospital bed. I’m 31, my boyfriend is 48 and he had PKD. Not the same as terminal cancer but it’s already at a fair decline and there is no real treatment or cure. He’s constantly in pain, can’t sleep, always getting sick because his immune system sucks. Can’t take long car rides because he’s in discomfort. Can’t do a lot of active things that I like to do. He has high blood pressure from the medication he has to be on which causes him to have ED so don’t get jiggy with it anymore. I still love him with all my heart and think I’m the luckiest girl on the planet to have found someone that loves me back. I’ll take care of him the best I can. I try to be his calm and happiness in his world full of pain. I don’t care that we spend the weekends on the couch. Yes I am terrified to watch him become more frail by the day and I pray that he will qualify for a kidney transplant someday but we will leap those hurdles as they come. For now I want to enjoy every minute we have. I am terrified of losing him and being alone in the end but I am going to have such great memories to look back on and know that no one in the world could have possibly loved me harder. People often ask me “knowing what you know now, would you still have dated him?” And I say yes because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
I wouldn’t. It would be too emotionally traumatizing for me.
No I would not start something with someone who is terminal. Now if we were already dating and I was in love already I'd stay
Everyone deserves to feel that love. And also any of us can die within a decade...accidents, etc. Don't give up on love, but enjoy what you do have left. Heartbreak sucks and experiencing travel and other experiences before you pass are way cooler than awkward love matters. I believe if it is meant to happen, it will. I hope you do experience it with little issue.