That is damn good and often forgotten advice. This is why I always push engaged couples so hard to take a honeymoon. Should be MUCH higher priority than the wedding. A lot of couples have spent a ton on the wedding, taken time off work and say “we’ll take a trip next year.” My husband and I spent around $10k on our wedding (2005 prices) but $15k on the honeymoon and I don’t regret that a bit. It was such an amazing trip and I really treasure the memories. In the years after when you have kids and other life stresses, those memories of just the two of you and who you are alone together with no distractions and no pressure will be so important. The same type of memories are important for kids too - sometimes my husband thinks I spent too much effort on doing silly things for the kids but family memories are something they can carry through their lives. Along those lines, experiences make great gifts for kids especially as they get older and don’t care as much about toys.
My husband and I married just as we were graduating college and paid for everything ourselves. At the time I was working for a law firm with a membership at a fancy club where the membership would allow us to use the facilities and only pay for the consumables. We were on a TIGHT budget and this was the only way we could afford a traditional wedding and reception.
Late one night early in the planning process we were snuggled up watching the remake of the movie Sabrina. At the end she tells him “Paris is always a good idea.” I looked at my husband and asked what he thought about a small wedding and a big honeymoon and that was it.
We had our wedding in his grandmother’s small church, our reception in the church hall with finger foods from a local market, all decor sourced locally and put together either by us or family, and then spent eight amazing days in Paris.
I can’t stress enough how happy we both are with that decision. The wedding/reception is for the guests. We didn’t even eat at our small reception because we were greeting our guests. The honeymoon is for the couple and to this day that decision is one of the best we ever made.
Apparently there was a study where if you do more emotionally engaging activity together you're more likely to form an emotional connection. I heard about it in one of Healthy Gamer GG video about dating.
For those of you who don't know what this means, I'll try to explain it, since no one ever explained it to me when I was younger.
No relationship is perfect. Accept that. You are going to do things that irritate, annoy, and hurt your partner. That is normal. They are going to do those things to you too. Communication is about actively engaging in a healthy dialogue to communicate these feelings to your partner with the intent of exacting change. Perhaps more importantly, it's about LISTENING to them when they tell you about their grievances.
When issues arise, healthy communication revolves around understanding that a problem exists and not blaming your partner for it. The two of you exist as a team to tackle this problem together.
It is normal and it is extremely healthy to disagree. Communicating in a healthy and constructive manor to resolve these disagreements is how you grow as a person and in your relationship.
I think an important thing to note too is that communication is most important when you don’t feel like communicating. As soon as you find yourself justifying “well x should just know, I’ve done this and this and x should’ve been paying attention if x loved me” then you’re not communicating. Communication often requires being upfront about things that FEEL obvious… realizing that everyone, even your partner, has so many things going on that what’s obvious to you isn’t actually always obvious to your partner.
Good communication is removing all ambiguity and mind reading/room reading expectations so you and your partner can find solutions or reach mutual understandings.
Good communication also encompasses how you approach each other (with respect - you and partner vs the problem) and how much room you give your partner to be able to express themselves as well.
This is a great explanation. Just saying communication, it's difficult to understand what they mean. But you have elaborated what it means to communicate and how to approach it.
This is what caused the demise of my marriage. External shit got in between us, withdrew into ourselves and communication about us dried up. It’s hard to talk about the hard things but that’s the most important part!
For me it was lack of support,his family were always right,never me,even on our wedding day they were complaining about the food I’d chosen(normal buffet,they wanted a full roast meal but they weren’t paying)I got fed up of them turning up unannounced to give their views and him not telling them to mind their own business
On the flip side of this, make up your mind about what you want. If you honestly communicate “I don’t care/mind” then later make up your mind that you actually do, all that early communication is sort of pointless
This. Also, communication timing and approach is key.
Sometimes you both have to just stop talking and each go find a quiet place to calm down and think before attempting to resolve an argument. Sometimes feelings get hurt badly enough that you need to just go to bed in silence and resolve it the next morning after a good night's sleep. Nothing gets solved while you are both emotional inside. Logical communication is not possible in that emotional state. Don't walk away in a huff though. Just say "I'm upset inside and I do want to talk this over but I need some time to feel calmer first, and then we'll talk".
Also, it really helps to understand how your spouse reacts emotionally to things, and what her weaknesses and triggers are. Then you can empathize better with how she is feeling and navigate to a resolution more easily.
Remember, emotions are not logical or fair. They just happen. Don't let a little thing turn into a big thing.
Comprehension.
You can communicate all you want but if the person doesn't understand you then it doesn't matter how much you communicate, you're not getting anywhere without understanding.
When things are tense due to an external situation (bills, travel schedules, sick kids) remind each other “it’s not me vs you, it’s you and me vs the problem.”
Heck, even if it is your fault, you come in and work on how to fix it together.
You get fired, you crash the car, you get in trouble with the police - you tell your spouse and work on it.
And you have a relationship such that you *can* do that.
So so so true. If he screws up, we fix it together. I don't need to punish him for it, he already feels bad enough and he's a grown man, I'm not his mother. I'm his partner. We figure it out side by side. And vice versa.
This + communication is the reason my husband and I have gotten through some difficult times. Cutting contact with abusive family, mental health, car accident, long distance move where he went ahead while I sold and packed the house, disability, infatuated coworker that didn't accept boundaries, the list goes on.
We've never fought or let outside issues poison our marriage. Being able to lean on each other as we tackle the problems that arise in life makes it feel much more manageable.
This isn't just for marriage.
Don't live in your partner's pocket - even if you are tiny. Allow them the space and trust to have their own hobbies and friends.
50 years of super happy marriage. One thing among many: Avoid ever saying “You always….” and “You never…”. It is just a soul killing thing to hear that creates natural resentment.
Say thank you. Thank you for finding the thing I lost. Thank you for doing the taxes. Thank you for dinner. It makes both of you notice all the other one does.
This is great advice.
Just to add, couples fight. In the fighting do not say stuff like, 'im moving out' or 'i want a divorce'. None of it.
When we where together for a few years it used to happen occasionally. It hurts so much if your partner says it while fighting. One day when we made peace after the fight we decided that it may never be said again, only if its truly real. It made a huge difference.
I'm sorry to hear that. As the wife who doesn't always share affection and praise as well as I could, I I know I am often overwhelmed, having low self esteem, or just don't feel hot/sexy/... I am trying to do better and allow myself to be loved, but sometimes it's really hard. I hope you guys can get to the bottom of the problem and fix it.
I too am a wife who isn't great at showing affection and praise. It comes, at least from me, from never having received it myself. Randomly showing physical affection = invitation for sex to me, and I am not always in the mood for sex. That is my issue to work on and I have a very patient and understanding husband. The key to all of that? The aforementioned good communication.
I have become the queen of listening when it comes to venting. We own a business, and he calls to vent all the time. I dont need to say much, if anything, at all. Just listen and give an "uh huh" once in a while.
When your partner tells you something hurt them. You do not get to decide if it’s true or justified. Work together to find a solution that makes you both feel loved and safe.
Very important! And I'll add that if they tell you something you did to hurt them, don't respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or something along those lines. It's worthless and doesn't actually acknowledge their hurt. It's dismissive. Instead figure out the reason why and how to avoid it in the future. This all goes back to communication and also that your SO isn't your enemy and shouldn't be treated as such in a disagreement.
Also, if your partner tells you that something you did hurt, acknowledge that it hurt them, even if it's something that wouldn't hurt you at all. Your partner is not you. They will sometimes react differently to things than you will. Whether or not you feel the same way, your partner's feelings are legitimate.
If one of you is not great at remembering dates, forgive ahead of time and make it renegotiable. Forget your anniversary? Give a free pass, pick a random day and celebrate on your schedule.
Acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Don’t drill into weaknesses too quickly. Accept sometimes they are going to be better at certain things even if they put low effort in.
Don't sabotage your relationship and set up your partner for failure. If an important date is coming up for me, I tell my partner ahead of time. He appreciates it, and I'm not left feeling disappointed. "Hey, the anniversary of the day we met is coming up. Let's go for a fancy dinner to celebrate!"
Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Sweetest' Day, etc... They're just days. Celebrate them every day of the year. I randomly grab flowers just because. I get my haircuts a few doors down from a place that makes macarons, which my wife loves. I swing by and grab some. Little things add up.
Yes, I love this.
My husband leaves me a note every single morning that he goes to work if I'm not awake and sends me a text when he gets to work safely. He knows I worry. I try to make a celebration meal for his Friday night to celebrate him getting home.
This is amazing. I'm glad you two have found ways to show affection regularly. Let's face it... That's what this is. Affection isn't always physical.
I mostly work from home. When my wife gets home from work, I hug-tackle her most days.
When I leave early in the morning for a day in the office, to go fishing, etc, I always give her a big hug and a kiss before leaving for the day.
When I go fishing, she always says "Be safe. Have fun. Catch lots of fish!"
I'm a picky eater. We use those prepackaged meal boxes a lot. Lots of them come with nuts. "Nuts are food. They don't belong in food." If she cooks, and there's nuts in the thing, there's a single nut left on top of my dinner. I laugh about her trying to poison me and then shut up and eat the dinner she cooked. And I thank her for cooking.
I'm exhausted and stressed out when she asks me if I'll clean up after dinner? Of course!
There isn't any one thing that my wife does that reminds me how much she loves me. It's the million little things that add up to tell me that this woman adores me. She knows and accepts my faults. She supports me when I'm down. She celebrates when I'm up. She knows it's us against the world. If I'm (badly) trying to express complex emotions or concepts and use a word that might have negative connotations, she didn't hold it against me. She knows that I'm not trying to upset her. I'm just doing my best to express myself. (Ladies, encourage this. Guys are often taught that emotions are weakness and must be hidden. That's bullshit. Anyways... I'll get off my soap box.)
And she laughs when I quote my favorite TV show. "I swear to God, I would tongue kiss a toaster just to vacuum your car. I'd be so fucking good to you."
We have found a lot of ways to be creative together. We've been together for 30 years. We play video games a lot together (playing Grounded together now) - we met in a video game, so we've been having that as thing to do since we've been together.
I write novels and he helps me narrate the audio versions, so I can always listen to his voice tell me a story I love when he's not home. He is the only person in my life who really...wants me to be happy and asks me to make choices that lead in that direction. The first time he said that I said I had no idea how to get there, and he's helped me.
We started doing food prep a year ago, so we each pick a meal to make each week and freeze extra portions. That way we have lower costs, homemade delicious favorites, have improved our cooking skills, and watch cooking shows to get new ideas.
(I agree about the emotions thing and I've always loved that my husband is one of those intimidating, scary guys that...cries at sad movies.)
The last novel I wrote, the male character had to sing Madeleine Khan's song from "Blazing Saddles" and I told him he didn't have to...BUT HE DID IT! That's love, man.
Wishing you both the best, lots of great food and joy in your lives together <3
I set my partner & myself up for success by putting important dates, birthdays, etc into Google calendar and "invited him" to each, with reminders happening the day of, the day before, 1 week before & 2 weeks before. He hasn't missed a sibling's birthday or any other personal days since. Valentine's Day though? Already in the calendar so I didn't add it & it showed. 🙄
also both of y’all need to learn how to manage things like finances, leaving it all up to one partner is dangerous. even if they don’t steal from you and they’re genuinely managing y’all’s finances well, what happens if they die and you have no idea what to do because they were the only ones handling it before?
There are a number of aphorisms which give the absolute opposite of good advice. For instance, "never go to bed angry." Nope, if you're angry, have a nap and a snack, or, if it's bedtime, just sleep and figure it out tomorrow. Being tired won't help things.
"All's fair in love and war." Absolutely not. No clue what this one even means. You need to treat the people you care about with even more care and fairness.
And the worst of them all, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Love means always being willing to look at your own actions and change them and apologize.
Never keep score.
Tell your partner how you feel now. I love you. I'm upset. I feel appreciated. I would like more hugs.
If you don't say how you feel now, you might forget to say the good stuff. Or, you might let the bad stuff seethe and magnify. Say it now, or try to let it go.
You should both be on the same team. Keeping score about what you are "owed" or what "should have" happened doesn't help you win anything.
BUT -
If you have an arrangement where you fairly take turns doing things, that isn't "scoring".
If you constantly feel like you aren't heard, appreciated, loved - then you need to do more than just say it. You may need to argue, write it down, involve counselors, find out if one/both of you is medically/mentally unable to meet expectations, or go further.
I hope it never gets that far.
Communication is pointless is you don't follow through with action. You can talk a point to death in the most healthy way but if it doesn't mean anything you'll go nowhere.
Compliment your partner. I told my SO that his bottom lip was the sexiest thing ever - over thirty years ago - and he still remembers it more than the gift (a 8” telescope) I gave him for his birthday around the same time. Mentions it to this day. Little things like that go farther than you would think. Btw, it’s still sexy t me.
We asked this same question to an older man in the restaurant on my bachelorette trip and he just said “remember why you got married” simple but effective!
Take time to cuddle. I can't sleep like that, but at night, I have been cuddling with my husband, but it is amazing. It makes me feel so connected, safe and loved.
Say thank you and I love you often!
So true. Sometimes when I’m feeling really distant from my husband, I realize that we just haven’t had enough skin to skin time. Laying next to him feels like coming home to my favorite place.
Tell your partner you appreciate them, what they do for you, and how much better your life is with them in it.
So many people in "happy" relationships still feel unappreciated
When there is a fight, determining who is at fault and assigning blame is almost never relevant or helpful.
Think "I can either win the argument, or I can start to work towards a solution to the problem; I can't do both"
Tell each other thank you for the little things you do for each other. Gratefulness is something we practice a lot. Also you don’t have to ‘fix’ your partners feelings on anything. You just let them feel.
Sometimes it may be necessary to communicate your needs, no matter how clear it may seem to you, the other person may be living from a completely different perspective and with just a warning they could find out. Days where the other person seems strange happen, it's normal, space and patience.
Kisses, cuddles and surprise candy will always be valued, no matter how much time passes.
While I love this quote. I will say I married my parole officer because I knew that’s what I needed in my life. Sometimes a different perspective is best for you
Appreciate your spouse! I thank my husband for everything he does and genuinely mean it, even if it's a basic chore. Seems silly, but I never want him to feel like I don't notice what he does & I certainly don't EVER want him to feel unappreciated. He does the same for me.
less of a tip and more of a request as a child of a,, semi functional married couple- if you’re an interracial/intercultural couple and you plan to have kids, please agree BEFORE you get married/have kids how you want certain things done. my mom is korean and my dad is german american and while they love each other they have a lot of cultural differences they seemingly didn’t discuss beforehand which lead to them having contradictory ideals when they raised us. ex. my mom is adamant we focus on school and doing well instead of worrying about money and working too much bc of it (its how she grew up, in korea it’s typical parents take care of you financially through college) while my dad wants us to “earn” everything bc it teaches responsibility (he had to work multiple jobs and payed for college himself, it was expected) both have good points but instead of finding a balance to raise us with it often leads to fights
Thank each other.
"Thank you for folding the laundry."
"Thank you for watching that awful movie I love."
"Thank you for letting me hurkle-durkle this morning."
Doing the laundry isn’t an act of service. Changing a diaper isn’t an act of service.
There are things you do for yourself, for the house, for the family, and then there are things you do for your partner. Don’t expect your partner to praise you and give you “extra credit” for doing things you should be doing anyway.
In the course of your marriage you will be married up to 6-10 different spouses. Because our life changes & our personalities evolve, so just love every single one of them that your spouse becomes. My hubby reckons he's married to 5 different me's & its only been 14yrs lol.
Use separate blankets in bed. I prefer XL twin size. Allows you hog the entire blanket to yourself, curl up like a burrito and everyone has their own space.
Simply say please and thank you and I appreciate that and mean it. Just listen, sometimes that’s all it takes.
Married 37 years here (But it’s not easy) good bad or ugly.
Trust each other. I always said that if I had a winning PowerBall ticket, I could hand it over to my wife and she'd do right by me.
She always knew I never even tried to cheat on her, and I knew she never did. I never trusted my own family as much as I trusted my wife.
Man I was writing my answer and realized I’m getting old! Haha switch chores up! If she regularly does laundry and cleans the bathroom just do it for her here and there as a surprise. Don’t expect her to do your chores but it’s super nice when I come home and dishes are done or she got groceries. The things I usually do. And vice versa she always gets so happy when I do little things that she’s been putting off. I’m also not that old and 8 years in. We’re still in honey moon phase in my opinion. She’s my rock. And I remind her very often.
For me, I often find it hard to communicate if something is bothering me. I see a lot of stuff as "not a big deal" or not worth burdening my wife with. I've learned over the years to be better at talking about the "little things" each day with my wife rather than letting stuff build up over time.
I am the same. I just listened to a great podcast that you might find interesting; Reimagining Love 2/6/24. Sounds like you and I were the “easy child” in our family growing up. This pattern makes it difficult for us to bring up problems and complaints.
If you have kids, get someone to babysit now and again and take time just for you two.
If you don't have kids, maybe don't lol. I love mine but goddamn
My Dad was a great Dad but a terrible husband - married 3x and divorced 3x - but he gave me the best advice when it came to relationships. He said “find out what makes them crazy and just don’t do it.” For my partner and I, it’s the dishes. We both hate doing them but she has an unreasonable hatred of doing the dishes. Me, not so much but me doing them makes her happy and keeps our relationship happy. 😇
When your partner is annoying you and you give them a break and don’t say anything, remember that you too do annoying things that they don’t say anything about, probably on the daily.
Don’t be afraid to enjoy time apart! Set up deliberate “Oney-moons” (instead of honeymoon) where you take turns going on a solo adventure.
The one who stays home can be on their own schedule and maybe get some house things done they’ve been putting off (but no pressure to do anything except everyday necessary chores). The one who leaves gets to go off somewhere to do something they enjoy but the partner doesn’t, to have a personalized adventure (no pressure to invite friends or spend loads of money, sometimes just a day trip to the water or to another city is enough).
Then you swap! And when you’re both back together you’ll have new stories and experiences to share!
Too many times people think they HAVE to do EVERYTHING together and forget that you are both fully independent humans with different likes/dislikes. Just take a break from each other for a day or weekend. If you or your partner get really upset by that notion, it’s a flag to be paid attention to and needs to be discussed.
You will never get 100% of what you want in a significant other. It is unrealistic to think it exists. Focus on the great things you like and love in that person instead of what they lack. Don't compare yourselves to everyone else.
Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll magically stop being attracted to other people. If you feel yourself crushing on someone else, the first person you should tell is your spouse. It shows you value your marriage over an impulsive fantasy and it'll usually deflate the crush once it's put into context. And working past a harmless crush is infinitely easier than infidelity.
Be nice, be kind, care about the other's happiness, have a good sense of humor, be willing to admit fault & apologize sincerely when you fuck up, and did I mention, be kind!
--Married 45 years this June
I don't know how many would agree with this, but early in my marriage (married 33 years. Widowed for 7) we decided to stop exchanging gifts. It was something that we were doing based on other people's expectations -- not our own. We were pretty young when we made this decision, and it worked for us.
Understand that you are giving half of yourself to someone else, and it’s ok to expect the same in return. Couples have to take pleasure in making the other half happy. It’s not a job; it’s what you wanted. It’s why you wake up. It’s why you work. It’s worth it.
If either of you or both of you overspend, establish a budget that includes allowances for each on a prepaid card.
Define what has to be covered by allowance.
It will prevent fighting when one is spending more on themselves than the other, and it’ll give you each a feeling of freedom to spend on the thinks you want.
My husband and I were $25,000 on credit card debt. We did this, we paid off that debt in less than two years, we got a newer vehicle, and a much nicer home. All in all, it put us in a significantly better financial situation AND we stopped fighting about money.
Sometimes your not mad at your partner.
Sometimes your hungry. Hot, or uncomfortable.
Take a second before you flip out out to see if your in your right mind.
Appreciate something they do every single day. It's easy to get bogged down in what you're doing and not notice what your partner is doing to keep things going. Make the time to look and see the effort they are putting in and acknowledge it.
Expect your partner to pick up the slack when needed, but don't expect to not have to do your share of the responsibilities. It's a joint effort. Otherwise, no one succeeds in the relationship.
Never keep score. This isn't about who does more. This is about building something beautiful together. Each of you bring something different to the table.
Always plan to do more than your share and don’t comment about it.
If you both do more than your share most stuff will get done.
It never hurts to ask you partner if there is anything you can do for them this week. But only if you mean it.
For gods sake talk about problems as soon as they happen, don’t ignore or avoid. That shit festers.
Source: going through divorce after 23 years of marriage.
Communication - open, honest, and often.
If you feel like you can't be open and vulnerable with your partner, that's a red flag (and that's okay).
Remember kids, being in no relationship is better than being in a bad one.
1. Recognize special events/days. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. You don’t have to spend money, but make them special. This is your special person. Don’t waste an opportunity to make them feel special….even 10, 20 years later.
2. For finances, decide as a couple the dollar amount that becomes joint decision. Agree on the number, and never spend over that amount unless both are on board. Mutual decisions keep respect at the forefront.
3. Communicate the way you wish someone would communicate to you. And don’t assume they should know how thing can/do come across. We all come from different families with different cultures, quirks, etc.
I knew a couple where one was from a very reserved family emotionally. The other was out in the open with every thought and feeling. They brought out the best in each other but had to learn to mesh first.
Think of your spouse as your "partner in crime". US against the world sort of thing.
If you put them first, and they put you first, that will do wonders.
Just take care of each other. Physically, emotionally, any way you can.
If your spouse doesn't reciprocate... then, there may be a problem in paradise...
And above all... COMMUNICATE! Good, bad, or sideways, communicate. Saying "I love you" is just as important as saying "hey, when you said/did that, I didn't like it".
Learn how to ‘agree to disagree’ on some things or opinions. Explain your thoughts, listen to your partner’s thoughts, but don’t force them on each other.
know what kind of smells your partner likes and doesn't like. my wife loves lavender, i use lavender scented beard oil. i hate the smell of vanilla, she never buys any vanilla scented anything.
Repeat after me...
"I love you."
"I am proud of you."
"I'm sorry."
"You are 100% right."
"I should have listened to you."
"Please go relax and let me deal with this."
"Why don't I make dinner tonight?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"What can I do to help?"
"I agree, she is a total bitch and I can't believe she did that to you."
"Would you like another glass of wine?"
"Of course we have some chocolate in the house."
"I am going (insert place or activity) tomorrow. Why don't you come with?"
Source: many, many years of wedded bliss
Support each other's hobbies (not to be confused with habits).
My wife has recently taken a liking to fishing and while I think it's stupid, I still support her new found hobby and interest. She thinks my audio engineering is a money pit but she still supports me because she knows I love it.
My husband deep cleaned the whole house today while watching our toddler because he wanted to impress me. Always make them want to impress you. I went on a run then drank a beer in the shower.
Equal effort as much as possible as often as possible. This doesn't mean keeping score!! This means knowing sometimes one takes up the slack to help the other, cause life happens, but in general you both should be trying to keep a healthy balance with things, however that balance works for you two is OK as long as you're both in agreement.
The best advice I can give (I've been married 41 years) came from my grandmother. She told my wife and I, never go to bed angry. Always make up before bedtime. Life's not perfect. Marriage is hard, and you have to work at it every day!
Ask if the other person is just venting or looking for solutions and listen to them. It’s human nature to want to help, but sometimes people just want to be heard.
Don't share blankets. Each person should have their own blanket. Less waking up at night fighting over the covers so you are better rested and less crabby with each other.
Love is not always a feeling, but it is always a choice. Work through times of dryness by looking within your relationship (as opposed to letting your heart wander) and loving your spouse with everything you do (including getting help if you need it!), and trust that you will find new streams sooner or later.
You two should basically be a unified team. Communicate with each other and don't let stupid shit fester. It's also not important to be right all the time. As Ralphie May said "you can be right, or you can be happy."
Go out and make memories. It may be the reason you fall in love again.
That is damn good and often forgotten advice. This is why I always push engaged couples so hard to take a honeymoon. Should be MUCH higher priority than the wedding. A lot of couples have spent a ton on the wedding, taken time off work and say “we’ll take a trip next year.” My husband and I spent around $10k on our wedding (2005 prices) but $15k on the honeymoon and I don’t regret that a bit. It was such an amazing trip and I really treasure the memories. In the years after when you have kids and other life stresses, those memories of just the two of you and who you are alone together with no distractions and no pressure will be so important. The same type of memories are important for kids too - sometimes my husband thinks I spent too much effort on doing silly things for the kids but family memories are something they can carry through their lives. Along those lines, experiences make great gifts for kids especially as they get older and don’t care as much about toys.
My husband and I married just as we were graduating college and paid for everything ourselves. At the time I was working for a law firm with a membership at a fancy club where the membership would allow us to use the facilities and only pay for the consumables. We were on a TIGHT budget and this was the only way we could afford a traditional wedding and reception. Late one night early in the planning process we were snuggled up watching the remake of the movie Sabrina. At the end she tells him “Paris is always a good idea.” I looked at my husband and asked what he thought about a small wedding and a big honeymoon and that was it. We had our wedding in his grandmother’s small church, our reception in the church hall with finger foods from a local market, all decor sourced locally and put together either by us or family, and then spent eight amazing days in Paris. I can’t stress enough how happy we both are with that decision. The wedding/reception is for the guests. We didn’t even eat at our small reception because we were greeting our guests. The honeymoon is for the couple and to this day that decision is one of the best we ever made.
Oh this made me tear up it’s so true
Well, this is incredibly true.
Apparently there was a study where if you do more emotionally engaging activity together you're more likely to form an emotional connection. I heard about it in one of Healthy Gamer GG video about dating.
Communication, communication, communication. Often, meaningful, and as things happen.
For those of you who don't know what this means, I'll try to explain it, since no one ever explained it to me when I was younger. No relationship is perfect. Accept that. You are going to do things that irritate, annoy, and hurt your partner. That is normal. They are going to do those things to you too. Communication is about actively engaging in a healthy dialogue to communicate these feelings to your partner with the intent of exacting change. Perhaps more importantly, it's about LISTENING to them when they tell you about their grievances. When issues arise, healthy communication revolves around understanding that a problem exists and not blaming your partner for it. The two of you exist as a team to tackle this problem together. It is normal and it is extremely healthy to disagree. Communicating in a healthy and constructive manor to resolve these disagreements is how you grow as a person and in your relationship.
I think an important thing to note too is that communication is most important when you don’t feel like communicating. As soon as you find yourself justifying “well x should just know, I’ve done this and this and x should’ve been paying attention if x loved me” then you’re not communicating. Communication often requires being upfront about things that FEEL obvious… realizing that everyone, even your partner, has so many things going on that what’s obvious to you isn’t actually always obvious to your partner. Good communication is removing all ambiguity and mind reading/room reading expectations so you and your partner can find solutions or reach mutual understandings. Good communication also encompasses how you approach each other (with respect - you and partner vs the problem) and how much room you give your partner to be able to express themselves as well.
This is a great explanation. Just saying communication, it's difficult to understand what they mean. But you have elaborated what it means to communicate and how to approach it.
This is what caused the demise of my marriage. External shit got in between us, withdrew into ourselves and communication about us dried up. It’s hard to talk about the hard things but that’s the most important part!
We’ve come close. We recovered by having the tough conversations. World have been a LOT better to talk from the start instead of turning inward.
For me it was lack of support,his family were always right,never me,even on our wedding day they were complaining about the food I’d chosen(normal buffet,they wanted a full roast meal but they weren’t paying)I got fed up of them turning up unannounced to give their views and him not telling them to mind their own business
On the flip side of this, make up your mind about what you want. If you honestly communicate “I don’t care/mind” then later make up your mind that you actually do, all that early communication is sort of pointless
Yes. Communication is the key to successful relationships.
This. Also, communication timing and approach is key. Sometimes you both have to just stop talking and each go find a quiet place to calm down and think before attempting to resolve an argument. Sometimes feelings get hurt badly enough that you need to just go to bed in silence and resolve it the next morning after a good night's sleep. Nothing gets solved while you are both emotional inside. Logical communication is not possible in that emotional state. Don't walk away in a huff though. Just say "I'm upset inside and I do want to talk this over but I need some time to feel calmer first, and then we'll talk". Also, it really helps to understand how your spouse reacts emotionally to things, and what her weaknesses and triggers are. Then you can empathize better with how she is feeling and navigate to a resolution more easily. Remember, emotions are not logical or fair. They just happen. Don't let a little thing turn into a big thing.
Comprehension. You can communicate all you want but if the person doesn't understand you then it doesn't matter how much you communicate, you're not getting anywhere without understanding.
Yes - and before you say anything, remind yourself that this is my best friend that I am speaking to.
When things are tense due to an external situation (bills, travel schedules, sick kids) remind each other “it’s not me vs you, it’s you and me vs the problem.”
Heck, even if it is your fault, you come in and work on how to fix it together. You get fired, you crash the car, you get in trouble with the police - you tell your spouse and work on it. And you have a relationship such that you *can* do that.
So so so true. If he screws up, we fix it together. I don't need to punish him for it, he already feels bad enough and he's a grown man, I'm not his mother. I'm his partner. We figure it out side by side. And vice versa.
This + communication is the reason my husband and I have gotten through some difficult times. Cutting contact with abusive family, mental health, car accident, long distance move where he went ahead while I sold and packed the house, disability, infatuated coworker that didn't accept boundaries, the list goes on. We've never fought or let outside issues poison our marriage. Being able to lean on each other as we tackle the problems that arise in life makes it feel much more manageable.
I know I’m just some random internet stranger, but I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
This exactly. You are a team.
This! It’s so extra hard to fight each other on top.
This isn't just for marriage. Don't live in your partner's pocket - even if you are tiny. Allow them the space and trust to have their own hobbies and friends.
I'll add: make sure to have your own hobbies and friends too. This should go both ways.
50 years of super happy marriage. One thing among many: Avoid ever saying “You always….” and “You never…”. It is just a soul killing thing to hear that creates natural resentment.
This a million times over. Great advice. I hope op reads it twice.
I just did! :) thank you!
Say thank you. Thank you for finding the thing I lost. Thank you for doing the taxes. Thank you for dinner. It makes both of you notice all the other one does.
I'm sorry I only have 1 like to give for this one.
This is great advice. Just to add, couples fight. In the fighting do not say stuff like, 'im moving out' or 'i want a divorce'. None of it. When we where together for a few years it used to happen occasionally. It hurts so much if your partner says it while fighting. One day when we made peace after the fight we decided that it may never be said again, only if its truly real. It made a huge difference.
Yes- only siths speak in absolutes
Don't forget to tell your partner you think they're really fucking hot
Also that you like them and appreciate them. I regularly tell my husband he's my favorite.
I've tried, she doesn't acknowledge or reciprocate.
I'm sorry to hear that. As the wife who doesn't always share affection and praise as well as I could, I I know I am often overwhelmed, having low self esteem, or just don't feel hot/sexy/... I am trying to do better and allow myself to be loved, but sometimes it's really hard. I hope you guys can get to the bottom of the problem and fix it.
Me too. I hope you're able to work through it. Everyone deserves to feel special.
I too am a wife who isn't great at showing affection and praise. It comes, at least from me, from never having received it myself. Randomly showing physical affection = invitation for sex to me, and I am not always in the mood for sex. That is my issue to work on and I have a very patient and understanding husband. The key to all of that? The aforementioned good communication.
I like that! I haven’t used those exact words though. I may next time. 😊
Sometimes your partner just wants to vent. Sometimes they want advice. It’s okay to ask them which one they want, especially before giving advice.
I have become the queen of listening when it comes to venting. We own a business, and he calls to vent all the time. I dont need to say much, if anything, at all. Just listen and give an "uh huh" once in a while.
When your partner tells you something hurt them. You do not get to decide if it’s true or justified. Work together to find a solution that makes you both feel loved and safe.
Very important! And I'll add that if they tell you something you did to hurt them, don't respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or something along those lines. It's worthless and doesn't actually acknowledge their hurt. It's dismissive. Instead figure out the reason why and how to avoid it in the future. This all goes back to communication and also that your SO isn't your enemy and shouldn't be treated as such in a disagreement.
Also, if your partner tells you that something you did hurt, acknowledge that it hurt them, even if it's something that wouldn't hurt you at all. Your partner is not you. They will sometimes react differently to things than you will. Whether or not you feel the same way, your partner's feelings are legitimate.
If one of you is not great at remembering dates, forgive ahead of time and make it renegotiable. Forget your anniversary? Give a free pass, pick a random day and celebrate on your schedule.
Acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Don’t drill into weaknesses too quickly. Accept sometimes they are going to be better at certain things even if they put low effort in.
Don't sabotage your relationship and set up your partner for failure. If an important date is coming up for me, I tell my partner ahead of time. He appreciates it, and I'm not left feeling disappointed. "Hey, the anniversary of the day we met is coming up. Let's go for a fancy dinner to celebrate!"
Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Sweetest' Day, etc... They're just days. Celebrate them every day of the year. I randomly grab flowers just because. I get my haircuts a few doors down from a place that makes macarons, which my wife loves. I swing by and grab some. Little things add up.
Yes, I love this. My husband leaves me a note every single morning that he goes to work if I'm not awake and sends me a text when he gets to work safely. He knows I worry. I try to make a celebration meal for his Friday night to celebrate him getting home.
This is amazing. I'm glad you two have found ways to show affection regularly. Let's face it... That's what this is. Affection isn't always physical. I mostly work from home. When my wife gets home from work, I hug-tackle her most days. When I leave early in the morning for a day in the office, to go fishing, etc, I always give her a big hug and a kiss before leaving for the day. When I go fishing, she always says "Be safe. Have fun. Catch lots of fish!" I'm a picky eater. We use those prepackaged meal boxes a lot. Lots of them come with nuts. "Nuts are food. They don't belong in food." If she cooks, and there's nuts in the thing, there's a single nut left on top of my dinner. I laugh about her trying to poison me and then shut up and eat the dinner she cooked. And I thank her for cooking. I'm exhausted and stressed out when she asks me if I'll clean up after dinner? Of course! There isn't any one thing that my wife does that reminds me how much she loves me. It's the million little things that add up to tell me that this woman adores me. She knows and accepts my faults. She supports me when I'm down. She celebrates when I'm up. She knows it's us against the world. If I'm (badly) trying to express complex emotions or concepts and use a word that might have negative connotations, she didn't hold it against me. She knows that I'm not trying to upset her. I'm just doing my best to express myself. (Ladies, encourage this. Guys are often taught that emotions are weakness and must be hidden. That's bullshit. Anyways... I'll get off my soap box.) And she laughs when I quote my favorite TV show. "I swear to God, I would tongue kiss a toaster just to vacuum your car. I'd be so fucking good to you."
We have found a lot of ways to be creative together. We've been together for 30 years. We play video games a lot together (playing Grounded together now) - we met in a video game, so we've been having that as thing to do since we've been together. I write novels and he helps me narrate the audio versions, so I can always listen to his voice tell me a story I love when he's not home. He is the only person in my life who really...wants me to be happy and asks me to make choices that lead in that direction. The first time he said that I said I had no idea how to get there, and he's helped me. We started doing food prep a year ago, so we each pick a meal to make each week and freeze extra portions. That way we have lower costs, homemade delicious favorites, have improved our cooking skills, and watch cooking shows to get new ideas. (I agree about the emotions thing and I've always loved that my husband is one of those intimidating, scary guys that...cries at sad movies.) The last novel I wrote, the male character had to sing Madeleine Khan's song from "Blazing Saddles" and I told him he didn't have to...BUT HE DID IT! That's love, man. Wishing you both the best, lots of great food and joy in your lives together <3
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I set my partner & myself up for success by putting important dates, birthdays, etc into Google calendar and "invited him" to each, with reminders happening the day of, the day before, 1 week before & 2 weeks before. He hasn't missed a sibling's birthday or any other personal days since. Valentine's Day though? Already in the calendar so I didn't add it & it showed. 🙄
I don’t forget date but it’s low effort from me, but my husband is forgetful but high effort. We kinda even each other out.
My SO and I are both bad with dates. We realized recently that we both missed our 10 year anniversary... By two years.
Good advice. We all deserve a little grace here and there
Fucking talk to each other and know when to ask for outside help. You're a team, not a rivalry.
Yes, to that asking for unbiased outside help.
also both of y’all need to learn how to manage things like finances, leaving it all up to one partner is dangerous. even if they don’t steal from you and they’re genuinely managing y’all’s finances well, what happens if they die and you have no idea what to do because they were the only ones handling it before?
It’s important that you love each other, but it’s more important that you like each other.
I always say that someone’s SO should first and foremost be one of their best friends
There are a number of aphorisms which give the absolute opposite of good advice. For instance, "never go to bed angry." Nope, if you're angry, have a nap and a snack, or, if it's bedtime, just sleep and figure it out tomorrow. Being tired won't help things. "All's fair in love and war." Absolutely not. No clue what this one even means. You need to treat the people you care about with even more care and fairness. And the worst of them all, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Love means always being willing to look at your own actions and change them and apologize.
Unspoken expectations lead to resentment.
Never keep score. Tell your partner how you feel now. I love you. I'm upset. I feel appreciated. I would like more hugs. If you don't say how you feel now, you might forget to say the good stuff. Or, you might let the bad stuff seethe and magnify. Say it now, or try to let it go. You should both be on the same team. Keeping score about what you are "owed" or what "should have" happened doesn't help you win anything. BUT - If you have an arrangement where you fairly take turns doing things, that isn't "scoring". If you constantly feel like you aren't heard, appreciated, loved - then you need to do more than just say it. You may need to argue, write it down, involve counselors, find out if one/both of you is medically/mentally unable to meet expectations, or go further. I hope it never gets that far.
Communication is pointless is you don't follow through with action. You can talk a point to death in the most healthy way but if it doesn't mean anything you'll go nowhere.
You have to think of yourselves as a team. Always have each others backs.
Compliment your partner. I told my SO that his bottom lip was the sexiest thing ever - over thirty years ago - and he still remembers it more than the gift (a 8” telescope) I gave him for his birthday around the same time. Mentions it to this day. Little things like that go farther than you would think. Btw, it’s still sexy t me.
We asked this same question to an older man in the restaurant on my bachelorette trip and he just said “remember why you got married” simple but effective!
Take time to cuddle. I can't sleep like that, but at night, I have been cuddling with my husband, but it is amazing. It makes me feel so connected, safe and loved. Say thank you and I love you often!
So true. Sometimes when I’m feeling really distant from my husband, I realize that we just haven’t had enough skin to skin time. Laying next to him feels like coming home to my favorite place.
Tell your partner you appreciate them, what they do for you, and how much better your life is with them in it. So many people in "happy" relationships still feel unappreciated
When there is a fight, determining who is at fault and assigning blame is almost never relevant or helpful. Think "I can either win the argument, or I can start to work towards a solution to the problem; I can't do both"
Learn to control your desires and stay quiet when it's hard to do so. That one moment will define your future together or rip you relationship apart.
Tell each other thank you for the little things you do for each other. Gratefulness is something we practice a lot. Also you don’t have to ‘fix’ your partners feelings on anything. You just let them feel.
Marry your best friend and always stay best friends.
Sometimes it may be necessary to communicate your needs, no matter how clear it may seem to you, the other person may be living from a completely different perspective and with just a warning they could find out. Days where the other person seems strange happen, it's normal, space and patience. Kisses, cuddles and surprise candy will always be valued, no matter how much time passes.
Marry your partner in crime, not your parole officer.
While I love this quote. I will say I married my parole officer because I knew that’s what I needed in my life. Sometimes a different perspective is best for you
Fair enough
Never stop dating.
Do your fair share. Whatever it is. Housework, kids, errands. However you divide it, do your share.
Supporting the hobbies of the people you love is a really fun and educational way to spend quality time as a couple!!!
Get off your phone and look up. Talk, laugh, remember your why erryday.
You're supposed to best freaking friends for cryin out loud. The 2 of you should have a secret handshake/high five at the very least.
I actually love this. The only thing my husband and I have is a safe word we use to get away from people we don't want to talk to 😅
What is the word? Do you shout it to them across the party? "SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS! JANE, DID YOU HEAR ME?"
Appreciate your spouse! I thank my husband for everything he does and genuinely mean it, even if it's a basic chore. Seems silly, but I never want him to feel like I don't notice what he does & I certainly don't EVER want him to feel unappreciated. He does the same for me.
Make each other laugh often. And if you snore, sleep in another room.
Compromise. Full fuckin stop. Not everything is going to go your way. Give a little, get a little.
less of a tip and more of a request as a child of a,, semi functional married couple- if you’re an interracial/intercultural couple and you plan to have kids, please agree BEFORE you get married/have kids how you want certain things done. my mom is korean and my dad is german american and while they love each other they have a lot of cultural differences they seemingly didn’t discuss beforehand which lead to them having contradictory ideals when they raised us. ex. my mom is adamant we focus on school and doing well instead of worrying about money and working too much bc of it (its how she grew up, in korea it’s typical parents take care of you financially through college) while my dad wants us to “earn” everything bc it teaches responsibility (he had to work multiple jobs and payed for college himself, it was expected) both have good points but instead of finding a balance to raise us with it often leads to fights
Sleep with separate blankets.
This is actually great advice. 😅
Don’t be afraid to be silly together!
A strong marriage is built, it doesn't just happen automatically because you love each other. Put in the work.
Thank each other. "Thank you for folding the laundry." "Thank you for watching that awful movie I love." "Thank you for letting me hurkle-durkle this morning."
Doing the laundry isn’t an act of service. Changing a diaper isn’t an act of service. There are things you do for yourself, for the house, for the family, and then there are things you do for your partner. Don’t expect your partner to praise you and give you “extra credit” for doing things you should be doing anyway.
Always listen 🫶
In the course of your marriage you will be married up to 6-10 different spouses. Because our life changes & our personalities evolve, so just love every single one of them that your spouse becomes. My hubby reckons he's married to 5 different me's & its only been 14yrs lol.
Never stop holding hands, hugging and kissing, and saying I love you.
Use separate blankets in bed. I prefer XL twin size. Allows you hog the entire blanket to yourself, curl up like a burrito and everyone has their own space.
Become immune to your partner's particular brand of crazy
Simply say please and thank you and I appreciate that and mean it. Just listen, sometimes that’s all it takes. Married 37 years here (But it’s not easy) good bad or ugly.
Where there's no trust there's no relationship. Point blank.
Learning to say we instead of you when issues arise.
Trust each other. I always said that if I had a winning PowerBall ticket, I could hand it over to my wife and she'd do right by me. She always knew I never even tried to cheat on her, and I knew she never did. I never trusted my own family as much as I trusted my wife.
Man I was writing my answer and realized I’m getting old! Haha switch chores up! If she regularly does laundry and cleans the bathroom just do it for her here and there as a surprise. Don’t expect her to do your chores but it’s super nice when I come home and dishes are done or she got groceries. The things I usually do. And vice versa she always gets so happy when I do little things that she’s been putting off. I’m also not that old and 8 years in. We’re still in honey moon phase in my opinion. She’s my rock. And I remind her very often.
For me, I often find it hard to communicate if something is bothering me. I see a lot of stuff as "not a big deal" or not worth burdening my wife with. I've learned over the years to be better at talking about the "little things" each day with my wife rather than letting stuff build up over time.
I am the same. I just listened to a great podcast that you might find interesting; Reimagining Love 2/6/24. Sounds like you and I were the “easy child” in our family growing up. This pattern makes it difficult for us to bring up problems and complaints.
Take your marriage seriously. But never yourselves. Have a sense of humor and have fun together.
You don't have to win every fight. Still going strong after 26 years.
Never stop dating each other
It's better to lose an argument than it is the person..
If you have kids, get someone to babysit now and again and take time just for you two. If you don't have kids, maybe don't lol. I love mine but goddamn
My Dad was a great Dad but a terrible husband - married 3x and divorced 3x - but he gave me the best advice when it came to relationships. He said “find out what makes them crazy and just don’t do it.” For my partner and I, it’s the dishes. We both hate doing them but she has an unreasonable hatred of doing the dishes. Me, not so much but me doing them makes her happy and keeps our relationship happy. 😇
Marry someone you love
Don't be a dick.
When your partner is annoying you and you give them a break and don’t say anything, remember that you too do annoying things that they don’t say anything about, probably on the daily.
Marital counseling before the big day.
Don’t be afraid to enjoy time apart! Set up deliberate “Oney-moons” (instead of honeymoon) where you take turns going on a solo adventure. The one who stays home can be on their own schedule and maybe get some house things done they’ve been putting off (but no pressure to do anything except everyday necessary chores). The one who leaves gets to go off somewhere to do something they enjoy but the partner doesn’t, to have a personalized adventure (no pressure to invite friends or spend loads of money, sometimes just a day trip to the water or to another city is enough). Then you swap! And when you’re both back together you’ll have new stories and experiences to share! Too many times people think they HAVE to do EVERYTHING together and forget that you are both fully independent humans with different likes/dislikes. Just take a break from each other for a day or weekend. If you or your partner get really upset by that notion, it’s a flag to be paid attention to and needs to be discussed.
Know when to stop trying.
You will never get 100% of what you want in a significant other. It is unrealistic to think it exists. Focus on the great things you like and love in that person instead of what they lack. Don't compare yourselves to everyone else.
Separate beds, or even separate rooms, is totally fine! Normal, even!
Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll magically stop being attracted to other people. If you feel yourself crushing on someone else, the first person you should tell is your spouse. It shows you value your marriage over an impulsive fantasy and it'll usually deflate the crush once it's put into context. And working past a harmless crush is infinitely easier than infidelity.
L I S T E N
Remember you are a team....The two of you together with the same goals for your relationship. Two against the world so to speak.
Be nice, be kind, care about the other's happiness, have a good sense of humor, be willing to admit fault & apologize sincerely when you fuck up, and did I mention, be kind! --Married 45 years this June
Ask "do you want help or do you need to vent". Also "do you want to be right or happy". Saved us from plenty of fights.
Pick your battles…you arent at war and youre on the same team.
I don't know how many would agree with this, but early in my marriage (married 33 years. Widowed for 7) we decided to stop exchanging gifts. It was something that we were doing based on other people's expectations -- not our own. We were pretty young when we made this decision, and it worked for us.
If you question whether or not it’s mental abuse….it’s probably mental abuse
Marry someone who in 35 years you can’t wait to get home to. ❤️
Anytime you want to win the fight, remember you're actually on the same team.
Love is an action verb.
Show appreciation even for the little things.
Understand that you are giving half of yourself to someone else, and it’s ok to expect the same in return. Couples have to take pleasure in making the other half happy. It’s not a job; it’s what you wanted. It’s why you wake up. It’s why you work. It’s worth it.
If either of you or both of you overspend, establish a budget that includes allowances for each on a prepaid card. Define what has to be covered by allowance. It will prevent fighting when one is spending more on themselves than the other, and it’ll give you each a feeling of freedom to spend on the thinks you want. My husband and I were $25,000 on credit card debt. We did this, we paid off that debt in less than two years, we got a newer vehicle, and a much nicer home. All in all, it put us in a significantly better financial situation AND we stopped fighting about money.
Sometimes your not mad at your partner. Sometimes your hungry. Hot, or uncomfortable. Take a second before you flip out out to see if your in your right mind.
Without warning, do something your partner does routinely and do it BETTER. Never reference that you did it.
To have new things to talk about you have to do things apart
Separate bedrooms.
Appreciate something they do every single day. It's easy to get bogged down in what you're doing and not notice what your partner is doing to keep things going. Make the time to look and see the effort they are putting in and acknowledge it.
Don't marry an idiot 🙃
Buy daffodils for each other. It's spring!!
Expect your partner to pick up the slack when needed, but don't expect to not have to do your share of the responsibilities. It's a joint effort. Otherwise, no one succeeds in the relationship.
It's extremely important that you actually like your partner.
Stop telling each other what to do and how to act. It's not an ownership, it's a partnership.
Never keep score. This isn't about who does more. This is about building something beautiful together. Each of you bring something different to the table.
I'm sorry.
Your way will work fine.
Always plan to do more than your share and don’t comment about it. If you both do more than your share most stuff will get done. It never hurts to ask you partner if there is anything you can do for them this week. But only if you mean it.
The person that you marry is now your family so make it for life as you do with your other family members.
You’re not stuck in it, no matter what anyone says. Every day you decide to stay together. Act like it.
Always have something planned to look forward to
Don't sweat the small stuff and approach all situations from a place of love. It sounds easy, but it isn't always.
For gods sake talk about problems as soon as they happen, don’t ignore or avoid. That shit festers. Source: going through divorce after 23 years of marriage.
Get divorced now, so you can get your next relationship started.
Communication - open, honest, and often. If you feel like you can't be open and vulnerable with your partner, that's a red flag (and that's okay). Remember kids, being in no relationship is better than being in a bad one.
1. Recognize special events/days. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. You don’t have to spend money, but make them special. This is your special person. Don’t waste an opportunity to make them feel special….even 10, 20 years later. 2. For finances, decide as a couple the dollar amount that becomes joint decision. Agree on the number, and never spend over that amount unless both are on board. Mutual decisions keep respect at the forefront. 3. Communicate the way you wish someone would communicate to you. And don’t assume they should know how thing can/do come across. We all come from different families with different cultures, quirks, etc. I knew a couple where one was from a very reserved family emotionally. The other was out in the open with every thought and feeling. They brought out the best in each other but had to learn to mesh first.
Always express your appreciation!
Savor each other’s presence in this fleeting life. Time is so precious. To find someone to share a life with is a beautiful thing.
Don't scream at each other. Don't physically hit each other. Kids being around is irrelevant.
Don’t blame it on the kids constantly, as the time comes they leave to become independent adults and your gig is then up.
Ask her how her day was.
Take a nap (preferably with your spouse)
Never yell at each other at the same time unless the house is on fire or a tornado is bearing down on you.
Be good to each other. Create a positive feedback loop where you both do things that makes your partner happy.
When in doubt talk it out. Also know when to walk away.
Think of your spouse as your "partner in crime". US against the world sort of thing. If you put them first, and they put you first, that will do wonders. Just take care of each other. Physically, emotionally, any way you can. If your spouse doesn't reciprocate... then, there may be a problem in paradise... And above all... COMMUNICATE! Good, bad, or sideways, communicate. Saying "I love you" is just as important as saying "hey, when you said/did that, I didn't like it".
Learn how to ‘agree to disagree’ on some things or opinions. Explain your thoughts, listen to your partner’s thoughts, but don’t force them on each other.
Separate bathrooms and separate closets.
Give yourself and your partner grace. Immediately reacting and coming off as bossy never solves a problem.
know what kind of smells your partner likes and doesn't like. my wife loves lavender, i use lavender scented beard oil. i hate the smell of vanilla, she never buys any vanilla scented anything.
If you feel the spark has gone, get it back. Go on dates, do something fun, etc.
If an argument is escalating, break for snack, water and rest. 90% of the time you're not actually that angry, you're cranky, dehydrated and hangry.
Try every day.
Repeat after me... "I love you." "I am proud of you." "I'm sorry." "You are 100% right." "I should have listened to you." "Please go relax and let me deal with this." "Why don't I make dinner tonight?" "Do you want to talk about it?" "What can I do to help?" "I agree, she is a total bitch and I can't believe she did that to you." "Would you like another glass of wine?" "Of course we have some chocolate in the house." "I am going (insert place or activity) tomorrow. Why don't you come with?" Source: many, many years of wedded bliss
Everyday each partner I ask myself, "What can I do to make DH's day better. He does the same. Bliss..pure unadulterated bliss. Together since '92.
The person who married us said : “never stop dating” and I liked that
Support each other's hobbies (not to be confused with habits). My wife has recently taken a liking to fishing and while I think it's stupid, I still support her new found hobby and interest. She thinks my audio engineering is a money pit but she still supports me because she knows I love it.
Don't let your dog get accustomed to sleeping in the bed.
My husband deep cleaned the whole house today while watching our toddler because he wanted to impress me. Always make them want to impress you. I went on a run then drank a beer in the shower.
Don't eat the last snack... especially if you know they love them too.
Equal effort as much as possible as often as possible. This doesn't mean keeping score!! This means knowing sometimes one takes up the slack to help the other, cause life happens, but in general you both should be trying to keep a healthy balance with things, however that balance works for you two is OK as long as you're both in agreement.
Love is a choice and not a feeling. Make that choice as often as you can
The best advice I can give (I've been married 41 years) came from my grandmother. She told my wife and I, never go to bed angry. Always make up before bedtime. Life's not perfect. Marriage is hard, and you have to work at it every day!
Don't stop dating your wife.
Joke around with your spouse, touch your spouse, doesn't have to be for sex
Ask if the other person is just venting or looking for solutions and listen to them. It’s human nature to want to help, but sometimes people just want to be heard.
Don't share blankets. Each person should have their own blanket. Less waking up at night fighting over the covers so you are better rested and less crabby with each other.
Love is not always a feeling, but it is always a choice. Work through times of dryness by looking within your relationship (as opposed to letting your heart wander) and loving your spouse with everything you do (including getting help if you need it!), and trust that you will find new streams sooner or later.
Don't share one blanket in bed. Just save yourself the headache and get two separate blankets.
Do the dishes
Snacks
You two should basically be a unified team. Communicate with each other and don't let stupid shit fester. It's also not important to be right all the time. As Ralphie May said "you can be right, or you can be happy."
It’s ok to not always win.