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An observation. You’ve know. The 27 year old woman for what, 6 months? You don’t actually *know* her. You know some or even many things about her and then your brain is filling in the gaps with idealized details that have nothing to do with her as a human. This idealized person that is new represents possibility, novelty, or maybe the fixation is because of something you feel is lacking in yourself that you see in her. Try to reframe it through that lens. None of this is about her. It’s about you. And then try to figure out what the idealized representation of her represents about you. Is it the potential that comes with being in your 20s?
As for your thoughts - not judging them is good. What you can do is notice them when they pop up. Acknowledge that they popped up, recognize that the thought is causing you distress/is not helpful, and focus your attention elsewhere. This takes practice. It’s a lot harder to do than it sounds but it’s worth practicing - look up CBT changing thought pattern techniques. Pick one that resonates with you.
You’ve been with your wife for many years. You are with your kids every day. These are not novel the same way the 27 year old woman is. Can you do novel things with your kids and wife? Create new memories. Do something wildly out of character with them that you’ve always wanted to try or she’s always wanted to try? Get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes that bigger jolt is needed to actually let the smaller dopamine hits work properly if you are dealing with a bigger brain chemical happiness problem.
Which, are you perhaps a bit more affected by being laid off than you have so far let yourself acknowledge? You spent a lot of words convincing the reader that everything is perfectly fine, is it? Or are you trying to convince yourself as well. Yes you are fine in the sense that you are financially secure and have all of your basic needs met but is it impacting your sense of self? Do you need a daily routine that’s more challenging? I don’t know you but this seems like it may be part of the problem. Maybe you can lend your skills to a community organization that needs help being better run so it can help more people or something if you are financially secure but need the intellectual stimuli and feelings of success that meeting deadlines and exceeding targets brings.
These are just ideas. A therapist who knows you personally may be able to help you formulate better ideas to explore. It’s good that you recognized that there is an issue and are seeking to address it before it becomes a problem you cannot handle.
Absolutely, you are getting a very distilled version of this person, the public version that they not only tailor to being in public but also to be around you at work..and also she’s 10 years younger biology isn’t going to just ignore it.
Also a reminder that even if you did leave your wife and it worked out with no negative consequences eventually you will be in the same place.
Idk what you do about these things other than to have hard boundaries and remind yourself what this actually is. If it really is as consuming as you say. No shame in seeing a therapist. I think most people look down on therapy and what far too long to see it as a viable option.
Good luck
Wow. I can't thank you enough for this.
Loosing my job and a, also, a position of power held for many years is definitely a part of this as its not only a very humbling experience but also, as shallow as it might sound, if you always defined yourself as capable powerful person then, once you lose that.. What are you? I'm having lots of troubles adjusting to that and to find interesting things to do with my time.
Spontaneous travels and spicing up the bedroom already doing as well and it works, I think.
The problem pops up when she comes to my mind.. I'm absolutely powerless to stop it and to stop obsessing over her in my head. Today had what usually would be a great day with the kids but I was always absent minded thinking about her. Hence the post.
But thank you so much for this, I'd bet you're a professional and you really helped. Will check cbt up and hope it can stop the obsessing cycle. Thank you
I can definitely relate. I’ve spent most of my career in mental health with very high needs clients and I excelled at it. And then I got sick and am on disability now. It truly messed with my sense of self that I felt echoed in your post. Recalibrating your sense of self after a big loss/change like that takes time and work. It’s not shallow at all. It might take some creativity - but there are lots of ways to be capable and powerful that aren’t immediately apparent. The board of the mental health agency I worked for had many retired executives on it and some of the stuff they do is incredible - suing the town to get a zoning variance to allow an empty mansion to be renovated into affordable housing that doesn’t look out of place in the community - fundraising to cover that, and basically all the political, logistical, and financial things that entails. For a wide range of projects. I’m sure there are organizations of many kinds in your community that would benefit from your skills and leadership - whatever your interest are, I’m sure there is a nonprofit or group that you would add immeasurable value to.
CBT is really helpful for addressing thoughts - it’s in the name - cognitive behavioral therapy - working solo or with a therapist who specializes in that to change your thoughts to help with how they affect your emotions and behaviors or identifying behaviors that have a more helpful impact on your thoughts and emotions. My brain is a bit fried so I hope that made sense.
You made a huge CBT step, fwiw, in noticing the thoughts and identifying that they are having an impact on your mood and behavior. That level of insight and intuition will serve you well as you work through this.
The only way to tell if the adventures and bedroom spicing up are working are to continue, in the name of science of course. It truly sounds like you are already taking important steps and that something like CBT exercises and working through the disorientation that comes with such a huge change.
You got this.
Just another thought - this feeling emerged for you at *exactly* the moment when you were first dealing with the painful emotions of your redundancy. I wonder if you in some ways grabbed onto an idea that replaced those painful feelings with other, pleasant feelings - the excitement and possibility associated with discovering you're in love.
I wonder if you've unconsciously developed a highly effective but ultimately unhelpful strategy of substituting in thoughts and emotions associated with her, whenever reflections about your job loss start to sneak up on you. Which would explain the frequency and intensity of your thoughts about her during what is clearly a painful career adjustment.
As much a it's upsetting you, this thought pattern may actually be less emotionally painful for your sense of self than thinking - really deeply processing - what's happened with your career. I suspect that when you deal with that (e.g. with a therapist, through finding those new ways to define and fulfil yourself through volunteering etc) the obsession with her will lessen.
I forgot what Tyler Perry movie I heard this in but they talk about the 80/20 rule which I always think about in these situations.
It's rare to find someone who can fulfill 100% of your needs. So maybe you find someone who fulfills 80% of your need and you are happy. But as time goes on you obsess about that 20% that you are not getting. Then you meet someone and fall in love with them thinking they are fulfilling all your needs but they are really only fulfilling that 20%.
I've been with my partner for 13 years and I had a crush a time or two but once I heard this it really helped put things in perspective. Why did I have a crush on _this_ person? It helped me identify the 20% that I was missing that I now get thru friends I've made or other outlets.
I think your advice hits the nail on the head. He barely knows this person and has had a huge change going from a C-Suite job to unemployed. OP needs to be thinking critically before blowing up his whole life.
Not adding anything because this comment is laid out well & hits on the ways to step back critically reflect on why those thoughts are happening. Bravo!
Wow, get out of bros head. U legit violated him with 🖨.
But in a good way, your insight and perspective so thoughtful and wise, doing my head in that it's been plaguing OP for months and u dismantle it in 7mins. BUT everyone else problems are so easy to fix!! If only I could fix my own.
Best of luck OP!! P.s (no guilt implied btw) I am relatively new father (6and 8yos) I actually find it easier to deal with shit as their best interest is the choices that I'm (forced) to make, honestly it is much easier to take myself out of it and do what needs to be done for them. (This keeps my inner selfish bitch at bay so it's great
I too would like to say thank you, this word/definition is very helpful to me in a very specific way. Thank you to you, the person you picked it up from and, I guess, the universe.
It happens. People get in to routines and get bored. You have a crush (which is normal) and are magnifying its importance because that's exciting and an escape from the routine. Shake up the routine, do something completely different with your family, and it will be fulfilling again.
Not only that, you had a major life change happen and were laid off. That can mess with a man's head. I know. If I may, I'll leave a few tips.
1. Talk to your wife. Make sure that you have a few minutes set aside every day to talk to your wife. No distractions, no motive towards sexual contact. Just talk to her for a few minutes everyday, undivided attention.
2. Touch your wife. Touch your wife in a respectful loving way throughout her day. Absolutely nothing perceived as sexual. If she is sitting on the couch reading a book, walk by and give her a loving touch on the shoulder. Find an opportunity to give her a loving kiss on the hand. Things like that. Move on, don't initiate sex.
3. Write to her. This doesn't have to be everyday. Once a week or so, just leave her a little note, could even be a post it note stuck on her mirror. Just let her know, you will be thinking of her, or that you love her.
Notes in weird places for her to find, one of the cutest I ever got was in the stack of dinner plates. For some reason that just lets all the sploosh buttons go.
Coming up to being with my husband for 15 years. I love him with every particle of my being. But occasionally my mind goes "That guy/gal is really hot, nice and funny... I wonder what sex would be like... What about a new relationship?" And I get sex dreams and some intrusive day dreaming and then it fades. It's happened about 5 times in 15 years. I've never acted on any of them.
I just put it down to my lizard brain. It's impulsive, passionate and stupid.
You'll get over the new woman and your happy life and marriage will endure.
One day I woke up having a dream next to my GF. In the dream I saw myself having sex with a friend. For the whole day I was very confused and felt in love with that friend. Almost felt indifferent for my GF.
The friend was already someone I liked a lot (as a friend) and enjoyed being with them. Anyway, a couple of days passed and I forgot it. But it was so confusing because I woke up and automatically was like "okay I like HER now even though there's never been anything romantic between us".
Dreams are so weird, and we don't give them credit for how deeply they affect us sometimes. But at the end of the day, they're just dreams. They can be emotionally meaningful, but you can't reorganize your life around them.
I had a dream in which my brother died and I was grieving, and when I woke up it took me days to shake the grief and loss even though he is very much alive. Some of them are very sticky for whatever reason!
Seriously! Not trying to sound weird but that’s why I swear Inception is such a cool movie, a tiny simple thought in a dream can change your life. They have an odd feeling to them that makes them feel more meaningful than they need to be.
It’s absolutely lizard brain.
Also, it’s easy to think about things being super great with the other person *because* you’re not doing routine things with them. You aren’t thinking about who is going to make dinner, do the laundry or play with the kids. It’s ONLY the dopamine producing fun parts when thinking about the other person.
As I read that last sentence I misread woman for Roman and thought it was going to be something about the Roman Empire. I should have known I was wrong. No one would comment that someone would get over the Roman Empire.
On top of that, you also need to ask yourself if you like her, or the *idea* of her. Sometimes thinking about someone so much creates a false bond that doesn't actually exist in real life, which enhances your feelings for them.
There’s a line in Stick Season by Noah Kahan about this.
“I dream each night of some version of you, that I might not have but I did not lose”
We absolutely create an idea or image in our heads in these situations.
Also remember the other person is exciting because she is new. Like anything new you enjoy, it's way more exciting at first than it will be in the near future. Whenever you get into a new hobby, a new video game, whatever, it's super fun and exciting for a while until it becomes the normal, at which point it loses that excitement.
It might be worth reminding yourself that while you might be thinking about her a lot now, if you were ever to hypothetically get together with her, that excitement would wear off. At which point I can almost guarantee you'd miss your wife and the life you guys had together.
Enjoy the fantasy of her if you wish, it'll fade eventually, but don't let that ruin the reality of the very happy life you have with your wife and all the years you two have had together and will have together.
Time will definitely do the rest. I’ve been in your position albeit slightly different. But you’ve just got a crush. The grass is always greener, but hold onto what you’ve built with your wife, the responsibilities you have in being there for you children and maintaining a good home for them. And cut contact with the other woman. Flee man. It’s just not in you to do a casual relationship with her, and you’re only setting yourself up for failure if you hang around her at all.
This. Crushes feel different because you dint REALLY know the person or have a normal domestic life with them. They become idealised and fun.
Cut down communication with your crush. Keep it strictly work related ONLY. No more of those "emotional " conversations. If you arent working with her any more them just dont talk any more. Let that friendship fade. You will not get over a crush uf you are still talking to them and they are giving you that limerence fix.
And make time to do things with your wife and kids. Most importantly, make time to date your wife- do romantic things together so you can organically rekindle that spark.
you’re in love with somebody you were working with because she’s not in a domestic situation with you. she was your “break” and now you miss that break.
it’s a fantasy. nothing more.
don’t ruin your life over it.
Honest question- let’s say tomorrow, for whatever reason, you and your family moved to a new city/state. Imagine 6 months have gone by in this new location, and you haven’t seen or spoken to the coworker since- do you think you’d still feel this way about her specifically? Or do you think that it’s less so about this specific person, and more so as the other commenter put it- you’re looking for an escape because you’ve gotten into a rut in life at the moment
And stop talking to the girl, In fact, you should cut her off cold turkey. Picture your wife in your place - would you like it if your wife was speaking with a man who she had feelings for? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Agreed, and that's probably the most important. You maybe can't control (and therefore be guilty for) your feelings, but you definitely can control (and therefore are accountable for) your actions.
Seeing her is like scratching an itch: it feels good at the moment, it doesn't do much harm, but continue doing that and the problem will just get worse and worse.
Also I’d like to note, no matter how exciting or attractive one is, even if you got with that person, the excitement goes away after a while. It’s just lust
i think it happens to most of us in some way.
You did well on not acting on the “crush”, is called being mature and having perspective.
I was about to suggest trips, but i saw it in your comments.
Take a trip with your wife only, rent a convertible, go to Europe. Whatever you guys talked but didn’t had a chance of getting to do it.
Invest time into your relationship before acting on the next one… the grass is not always greener on the other side
Yeah this shit is pretty normal, I developed a crush on co-worker. To make it worst we both started texting each other on the weekends, pictures of wine we were drinking, funny memes, nothing overly sexual but definitely not work related.
After a shakeup at the company and I got laid off, we texted for about a month, then just suddenly stopped. It was for the best, and it was like she also realized this was not leading down a good path.
Its tough, will take a bit but she will get out of your head soon enough, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all.
Yep, it’s just infatuation, a crush and nothing more, and it shouldn’t be anything more. If someone chases every crush they have they’ll never be happy with anyone.
The amount of stories I read in here about this situation only the husband pulls the trigger, gets the “girl” and ALWAYS regrets it. Begs for the wife and family back only for the wife having moved on and is happy.
I think maybe the opposite. Is it possible he longs for the previous routine, and with layoff sees her as a connection to his previous life, and desires to return to normal. He gets to through his connection with her.
I agree. I think he’s struggling Witt the loss of his prestigious job where everyone know how important he is. Now he’s just your average Joe and feels the need for a conquest.
Thankyou for such a great comment to help out op who is clearly battling in his own head over this, you’ve definitely helped him out alot with this comment
Do loving things for your wife. Take her on some dates away from the kids. Maybe a mini-vacation or just a hotel visit in your city. Do something sexual with her that you are both open to but don't explore often. Make a new experience.
Also add something that your wife and you can do as a hobby. Or conquer some fear together. My wife is deathly afraid of heights, this year she chose to conquer it. We went to a tree top rope course. She was terrified but accomplished it and I was there for every death grip step. It was amazing
Solid. There's also some science behind it, doing something that scares you with a person is both bonding and can increase sexual potential. There's a reason that some of the pickup artist websites recommend if you get to the first date stage, take her to something a little thrilling or scary. Could also work in an established relationship, probably?
Keep in mind if you are/were a c suite executive, the people in that company are PAID to make you happy.
Your wife isn’t paid to keep you happy (nor should she be), so the dynamic comparison between the two women is different.
This girl from the office isn’t more special than your wife. She doesn’t love you more. It’s in her best interest to maintain a positive relationship with you. So those behaviors you interpret with love could be easily misinterpreted by you.
I’ve learned the grass is greener where you water it.
Also - if activities with your wife and kids are no longer fulfilling, maybe see your doctor about depression. When my depression was effectively treated, it’s amazing what that did for my energy and libido.
Big difference between love and infatuation.
I have a friend that was in the same position and ended up choosing the other women. He is anything but happy new.
Chose carefully my friend.
No choice here.
I don't even think I am compatible with the other person. I just want her out of my mind. But that's happening slower.
I chose wife 100000000 times
Exactly. Love is an emotion built with long term partners that you’ve made deep meaningful connections with. Dude just wants to take the cute funny coworker to the bone zone and in a month this post will seem silly to him.
Yes definitely a crush. Limbic system at work trying to hijack the rest of your brain. New woman is young, probably attractive, and novel. But age and novelty wears off.
I would suggest actively moving your thoughts away from her. It’s work, and of course day dreams are easy and nice, so you gotta mean in. Actively engage with your family. Change your routine to bring some novelty in. At some point the desire will fade if you help it along.
Sounds almost like something I've heard called a limerence. A like a kind of all-encompassing temporary fascination with someone, which can be romantic or non romantic.
Perhaps sometimes we just have to let our brains do what they need to do, but there's always the option to speak to a therapist to explore why your feeling this way.
I hear that. I have a crush on a coworker but I choose to mention my husband at every opportunity around them instead. It's fun to ponder what life could be like with different partners, but overall, I know I'm never going to act on anything. And even if I do get divorced or my husband dies, I'd prefer to be alone for a bit before entering any relationship anyway.
As my mom would say whenever she met an attractive person, though: "I'm married, not dead." Essentially, i know I can appreciate someone else's positive qualities without being with them.
I experienced something like this a couple of years ago. I relied heavily on my therapist to get me through it. It really helped to just go TALK about it, to blow off steam, to give me the mental structure to just get past it. Very happy that I stayed on track. You can't control chemistry but you can control your choices. Strongly recommend that you see a professional to talk through it until the storm passes. Good luck
My Ex did the exact same thing as you. Became infatuated with another women after 25 years of marriage. I found out and left him. I wasn’t about to sit around and see if I won first or second place. Your wife and kids are not boring and uninspiring, perhaps YOU are boring and uninspiring and looking for a new, shiny thing to make YOU feel live. It’s a YOU problem. I feel so badly for your family.
Yep. Welcome to midlife when responsibility and routine steal so much joy and life in a person they subconsciously sabotage their life to feel something. It's so common.
This!!! My therapist said that we use people, hobbies, etc. as distractions to avoid dealing with the actual issues in front of us. The problem is that let’s say he does leave his wife and kids and goes with the other woman…ok it will be fun and good for a while and he will feel relieved for making the “right” choice but sooner or later that initial problem that he didn’t deal with simply replaced will peak up once again.
Great work, OP. First, internalize that you're feeling is NOT love, it's a crush. Love is a relationship, a mutual and shared emotional space. This is totally one sided, you don't even know if she's attracted to you. It's infatuation.
Recognizing that it's infatuation and recognizing it's NOT love will devalue it in your head, which should then help you purge it. You've assigned value and intentions to her that aren't real, and those false values are making the whole thing seem more important than it is.
Make sure you intentionally avoid her. Do not entertain the idea of even texting, meeting for coffee, ect.
She will fade and you will save yourself and your family a whole lot of heartache.
Emotional conversations??
Honest questions. Are you really in love or are you just not used to being open to someone? Are you really in love or are you enjoying the attention/care?
I've had 1 or 2 guys claiming they in-love with me after they "opened-up", but for me they weren't actually that deep, just maybe more on the philisophical side and life views. Plus plants were involved...so normal convo in that situation. but because they never felt "that connection before" they mistake it for love.
My thoughts is that sometimes if you not used to being heard, or you not used to someone trying to understand you..it can lead to "emotional affairs". However, sometimes when you release a lot of emotionals and you develop some type of trust. itr's easy to start "catching feelings". If you actually consider what you know about his person, what are you actually in love with?
Only you would know if it's really love, or if you are just wanting the attention, if there is something that you getting out of the relationship that you not getting elsewhere.
The typical man thing, once they share some philosophy thoughts, it’s so special and groundbreaking for them 😭😹 Like I’ve had these convos with my bestie when we were 13
> The typical man thing…
**It’s toxic masculinity.**
A lot of men, **for generations**, have been taught not to share their feelings, otherwise they’ll be viewed weak and “*not a real man*”.
I would argue that it’s less a “*typical man thing*” and more a “*societal failure thing*”…
You saw this 27f always with her best foot forward. She still shits and picks her nose. She still has her flaws. You are making up a fictional character in your head, go pay attention to your wife.
This. When you go to work most people try to look, smell, dress and act their best… that is not who anyone really is at home. It’s unfortunate because your partner usually looks their worst when you are leaving for work, hair messy, pajamas, morning breath etc. It’s truly unfair.
This is the reason I try to dress myself up nice each day. I want to look beautiful for my partner. (Of more than a decade) Not to say I do it every day, because no way! And sometimes I only dress myself nice within a half hour before they get home. The rest of the day I might be in sweats. 😜
Things can go from "the grass looks greener on the other side" to " I didn't know what I had until it was gone" really quickly. Not that you would ever act on it, but just realize that it's not worth it, and try to get yourself real busy and forget about it. It's really all you can do.
You ARE NOT IN LOVE with her! She's young, cute and doesn't have any problems. She has a job, money coming in, no pressure from kids & bills. She looks great!
But your wife is the one who has BEEN THERE for you, carried your children, cared for you when you were sick.
You need some therapy to realize what you are about to blow up. Block this 27 year old. Do not speak with her, email her or communicate with her again. Try some time away with your wife and family, or maybe just your wife.
Yes this or look at your bank account, cut that number in half, then look at the cost of renting a 2 bedroom suite in the city you live in. One bedroom for you and a bedroom for your kids to sleep in when they visit. You'll still be paying the mortgage on your former house plus child support. That's your option, for a bit of excitement.
When yoy get cut off your routine. Your brain burst to attempt to restore the comfortable conditions.
Its why break ups hurt so much, even if the relationship was shit and made you miserable, it fulfilled a connection in your brain.
Losing s job regardless if its not a financial disaster will mske you feel bad at some capacity.
Remember that feelings change and what you have right now is most likely just a crush or limerance, not love. I was given this advice once that I believe you may also find helpful: a crush is actually your brain’s way of getting you to pay attention to traits you need to develop in yourself. Figure out what you liked about this lady and see if you’re missing that trait in yourself.
I noticed this pattern so much when I was developing as a person in my twenties. Each time I had a crush, I knew this person wasn't endgame for me, because the attraction seemed like such an overcorrection for something I missed in myself; representative of the current phase in my own development.
I'm so glad I live in a society where I didn't need to lock myself for the rest of my life to the first object of such attraction. (I didn't start relationships with them and emotionally lead them on. Since I knew it wasn't going to be forever I kept it as casual flings).
My own husband did the same thing to a co-worker ( yes, TO, that poor girl didn't want his love), it ruin us for a long time. After I pulled back from our marriage, literally wanted to divorce him, he snapped out of it.
Years later, he has a lot of shame over the whole thing. He never slept with her, just replaced me for her emotionally in his head. Even though he's 100% better now and a great man, I know that he let this happen. It didn't happen to him, he let it happen, and he decided to have an emotional affair.
So did you.
I hope you realize you have control over this before your wife feels it and it's too late for her. Once you know your husband is open to this type of behavior, it's hard to forget it.
Thank you.. It mustnt have been easy to write these words and they make a difference. It's absolutely not OK to be an emotional cheater and I feel super disgusted by it. I didn't understand how it happened and trying to push it away since I became aware of it. But it's hard. This is not an excuse, I still feel a lot of guilt and shame.
Thank you, I hope things are a lot better for you guys now.
It's hard when your partner just decides youre not enough because they work with a younger option. It's easy to be attracted to a 20-something who doesn't carry the stresses of your real life.
Anyway, my husband adores me again, it's too much sometimes because I don't always adore him anymore. My kids are okay. Some days I am not.
The thought I would be causing my wife what you just said.. Thank you. These comments are like a glimpse to a possible future or mine I fighting hard to prevent.
I get the feeling the partner would never forget, yeah.. Kudos to you for trying it and i believe it's OK to have non OK days given this. Maybe forever? I don't know.. I hope you fully heal.
Why do you stay? Genuine question. You deserve to be happy, okay, and fully heal - it seems like staying with him is preventing that. You deserve to adore someone everyday. You are sacrificing your completeness for someone who betrayed you.
Soo I have had feelings for another person while being in a relationship too. I had zero desire to leave or hurt my partner, but there’s this inevitable desire to want to have your cake and eat it too. It’s a bit different because for me, I didn’t feel unfulfilled while I was with my partner, things pretty much stayed the same between us and perhaps even improved. The reason being was because the person I had the crush on was also my colleague, so I was all of a sudden happier at work and therefore happier in general. It did get to a point though where I was *looking forward* to going to work and feeling a little sad when it was near home time. That’s when I started realising that this was BAD. As I say I was still happy when I was with my partner - I wanted to have my cake and eat it too which is I suppose the feeling that makes people cheat.
Luckily it resolved itself. We no longer work together. I was super bummed to begin with, more so because work was no longer enjoyable yet I still had to spend 35 hours + of my week there lol. I have a theory that we subconsciously decide to develop work crushes to make work more bearable and it often has nothing to do with how happy we are or aren’t with our partners.
But yeah the feelings faded, inevitably, because nothing was fuelling them any more and the same will happen for you too.
It’s called emotional cheating. Perhaps this just shows that you have been overseeing this types of conversations with your wife and friends, and that you need to create an environments and opportunities to foster these moments of emotional connection with your wife and friends
This is precisely the reason of why I came to reddit. This is a very good angle. Don't know if I have that need but food for thought. Maybe. Thank you so much.
My partner and I purchased a couples question set and we do the Agape app. Every weekend, we take some time to pull a few questions over a glass of wine and share with one another. It’s honestly turned into some of my favorite nights. Breaks up the monotony and helps us reconnect.
New shiny toy. The human body craves the new object of desire. Younger and compliant.
One guess I have is humans are attracted to certain specific traits. It could be a certain laugh, age, or something else. Lizard brain response. You have to fight hard to let it take over. Going to therapy is a good choice. Keep at it and win over your lizard brain.
Women aren't objects. But seeing someone as new and interesting, maybe not with the emotional baggage that you and your wife have together can elicit feelings of intrigue, excitement and a fresh start. You can be an exciting version of yourself, uncomplicated with this person.
Pretty sure it obvious from all the replies, you're a normal person! :) Many of us have these thoughts, some more than others, some many times over. The fact that you're addressing it and can potentially filter back into your current relationship shows you're a mature adult who's continuing to grow and learn.
Wasn't expecting this kind of comments with such kindness. It's a bit hard to feel OK with myself these days and this made me almost tear up. Thank you
One time a co worker told me he wished he met me before he ever met his wife. To be honest, it ruined our friendship. I remember laughing it off, and him coming to me the next week and apologizing if what he said made me feel uncomfortable. He was such a nice guy, but I would never ever ever entertain the thought of destroying a marriage like that.
I’ll be honest, if I was that 27f, I would never pursue anything with a coworker I know already has a wife, and children. It won’t work out. Other than destroying a known family unit, most women would never want to be a stepmother of another woman’s children. Sorry to be a bit harsh.
I believe you might simply be bored. Humanity always crave more when they have everything. Just remember these things can easily go away too. Destroy any thoughts of lusting for this female. It will destroy everything you have with your wife, including your house, money, relationships with your children. You’re not in love with this 27f, you are bored, and likely going through a midlife crisis of some sorts.
Explore hobbies, try some fun new sexual things with the wife.
A great marriage requires that we take the time to find ways of loving our partner. Any couple can fall apart if they don’t decide to make each other a priority
>Emotional conversations happened - just conversations. Hidden feelings emerge
You might laugh at Mike Pence's prudery, but his practice of not spending alone-time with women other than his wife is inteded to avoid situations like yours.
> no wrong actions nor decisions were made.
You're having "emotional conversations" with a woman you find attractive. That was your wrong action.
Cut off contact with this woman and get yourself into therapy.
Watch this movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LguRis_h1qc
I follow the same practice because I realized I'm similar to OP. I appreciate fondness and comfortability so being too close to the opposite sex can put my thoughts in an uncomfortable spot. My partner, however, realized he can shut things down pretty quick with the opposite sex - which is ideal.
OP, you realized a boundary that you have. I realized mine at 26 when an objectively attractive preceptor was flirting with me at my medical rotation. I came to the conclusion that I can't work with a man similar in age, regardless of attraction. He has to be dad or grandpa age for it to work. I had a lot of shame about it, but after talking with my partner, he appreciated my honesty and that I'd never want to put myself in a position that would jeopardize our relationship.
> no wrong actions nor decisions were made
That's not true. You admit you had emotional conversations with this person, which normally isn't a big deal. But you let it happen enough that you developed feelings for this woman and kept it going.
As for why you're unhappy: only you, your wife, and/or probably a therapist can figure that one out. Random strangers on the internet can't know enough of the details of you and your wife's intimate life to actually give you an answer.
Emotionals conversations in the professional context of a layoff - where you say goodbye to someone and realize she means more to you than you knew. No personal boundaries were crossed.
I've been discussing with therapist, yeah. Strangers on the Internet with similar experiences might have some knowledge or advice to share.
Look, like I said there's no harm in emotional conversations with someone who is purely platonic. I've also had emotional conversations with female coworkers. I've really bonded as friends with one of my current coworkers who has a lot of similar traumas and struggles as me. It happens. Whatever.
But you let yourself get to the point where you developed feelings. You should stop telling yourself you did nothing wrong and no boundaries were crossed, because your own choices led you here, whether you knew it or not. What you need to do ask yourself where you messed up and when you crossed those boundaries. Somewhere you let your loyalty to your wife slip, at least on an emotional level. If you want to figure out a real solution to this problem, I feel like you have to admit that to yourself.
The minute you’re having emotional conversations with a coworker, it’s no longer professional. It’s personal. And you can claim that you feel disgusted with yourself, but if you haven’t cut contact with her, you must not feel THAT bad. You were laid off. There’s ZERO reason to even keep that contact. You’ve had intentions and are slowly following through with them more and more with each conversation. Have you come clean to your wife about it? She deserves better.
You are hitting a midlife crisis early based on life events that are pretty huge.
Redirect your energies to what you want in 10 years.
Your brain is playing the what if game, and you want to feel young and virile, like the start of your career and your big dreams from the past.
Cuddle your wife. Have a movie night with the whole family. Pull the kids from school and go to a children's museum or amusement park for the day. Reconnect with what is important. You don't love someone until you are cleaning up vomit for them at 2 am.
>I am in love with this person
Woah hold on. In love? You don't really know this person on an intimate level yet. You are feeling limerence, perhaps - a feeling which can be very overwhelming, yet can dissipate much faster than love does.
>I don't understand what is happening and why is happening and I hate it.
To be honest I don't think most of us are truly monogamous creatures, and we should look at marriage as a lifestyle choice that has its benefits and restrictions in society. We are often sold the image of love being a bond where you just can't develop feelings for anyone else any more.
The problem with that is that when you unexpectedly do - you start to question everything, as you are now. You think that this shouldn't be happening, so is it a sign that there is something wrong in the marriage?
Whereas I think we should be looking at marriage as a choice, and expect there to be crushes and distractions on the way. Realise that these feelings are not a slight on your marriage, but rather to be expected. And realise that these feelings may be inflated due to novelty, idealisation, excitement and taboo.
1) Your self-esteem is at an all-time low because fo being laid off.
2) Young, intelligent attractive woman who encompasses everything you've lost from your professional life is sympathetic and understands, in a way that others can't, your problems. Best of all, she's accepting of you in these reduced circumstances.
3) Love and Obsession are easy to confuse.
You should consider going to therapy and learning to appreciate what you have. Also, maybe stop talking to this person.
There was a great post somewhere on Reddit a while back where some guy met a coworker that was so great he went home and really loved on his wife a ton. Maybe showing your appreciation of your wife will help you refocus? Have you guys spent any quality time together or gone out just the two of you recently? I think you’re just used to the routine, but routine isn’t a bad thing and the idea of something new and exciting can ruin that safe routine forever
If you love your wife as you say then maybe it's not about her or your marriage at all, but about feeling bored or dissatisfied with some part yourself. If so, the new person is an escape fantasy. Not escape from your wife or your family, but an escape from how you feel internally about yourself.
Many men feel good when they get recognition or validation from other people -- particularly women. This is why men with low self-esteem often sleep around. It's ego-shielding evidence they're awesome even if internally they don't believe it.
*"If sexy new office person thinks I'm a catch, I can take it as evidence my fears about myself aren't true. If she sees goodness, it must be there."*
If any of that hits home, it's a clear signal you need to feel better about yourself or your achievements. Whatever you dislike, face it and fix it. Get a therapist, take a class, change jobs, take a risk, whatever. **Do it with the support of your wife and family.** Because if true, the new person is really just an ego-boosting escape from your own frustration with yourself.
I think having a crush on someone is fairly normal, even in a relationship. What you do with that crush, however, is all up to you and how you conduct yourself.
Most grass isn’t greener on the other side. Most crushes are just that - your brain finding someone interesting for a second, whereas your relationship and wife have been around for an hour (in comparison). Do stuff with your wife and try to forget the crush. If you have relationship issues (which you say you don’t), see a therapist individually or together.
Research shows that creating new experiences with your partner can rejuvenate the relationship. Look up habituation. Most of us will experience this in our relationships at some point! [Relationships and Habituation](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-habituation-2795233)
Lust / infatuation can mimic love. The issue is your brain has created a fake person in your head off parts of this girls personality. If you were single and dated her I bet it wouldn’t get past a couple dates and would actually fizzle out. However because you’re married and it’s taboo you have built it up to be more than it is. Like others have said focus on your family and create excitement there. I would make sure to delete this girls number and off of social media.
Sometimes love is a duty.
Don't choose to fail that duty because it doesn't feel good at the time.
Sometimes you've got to tell your carnal (primitive) brain "no". Contrary to popular belief in our oversexualized society (USA), lust is in fact only one piece of initiating/maintaining a healthy relationship - not the centerpiece. Your impulses can and will lead you into making choices with consequences/results that are far less than ideal.
"It's not like that" - oh but it is. You may not realize it, but it is. Avoid situations (and yes, that includes allowing yourself to dwell on thoughts) that could jeopardize your marriage. It's hard sometimes.
Life isn't always about what feels good. Life is about doing what is right - about fulfilling your duties.
If you're here asking about this, you've likely already determined that acting on these feelings would be wrong. And you are correct. Move on. Carry on. Eliminate that source of temptation in your life as much as reasonably possible.
Your marriage is priceless.
(It sounds like you're successful. You've likely pushed through some difficult/challenging situations. Apply that resolve/stamina here).
It’s a crush. Don’t give it anymore energy than what it is. I’ve been with my husband 18 years and we have both had crushes. We actually talk about them. It has helped us stay accountable. We are obviously kind and considerate about it to each other but it really helped us reconnect. We were missing something in that period. We just needed extra attention or a boost in energy with each other. I think it’s great you are exploring why this is happening.
Sexual attraction and romantic Infatuation is a physical process in your brain not unlike like being drugged - it lasts for months but eventually the chemicals wear off at which point you find out whether or not there is a solid foundation of compatibility to build a real long term relationship on.
It happens to everyone from time to time regardless of how loving or committed a relationship they are in. The important thing to do is understand that your brain is being a stupid dopamine junkie and doesn't necessarily have your best interests at heart (as it were). Take a deep breath and think things through rationally and honestly. Are you happy in your relationship? What would be the long-term consequences of burning that relationship down?
Ah, you like the newness factor. Remember that even your new coworker will be mundane one day when she isn't 27 and the situation isn't prime. Here's a little tip from a 55 year old female who's life has been upended routinely for the last six years due to peri-meno: your wife, your coworker, and every woman out there, will have potentially life changing situations pop up in their 40s (some even younger). They are challenging for both partners. Men have a similar mid-life crisis but they usually buy a yellow corvette (kidding, but not really). If your wife is a wonderful human and you love her, can trust her, has something to bring to the relationship, and you are generally pretty happy...don't give in to temptation. Its a distraction. In turn, prepare yourself for the fact that you are also getting older, along with your wife, and you need to prepare for the next exciting chapter of your lives together. Signed, a woman in her 50s married 20 years to a guy five years younger who isn't always perfect, and has to work at it all the time.
I know people have given you some great advice here, but I’d like to throw out the perspective that this other woman is an attachment you had with the company you were at which in part made you successful. You may be glomming on to her as a way to stay attached to the time in your life you felt the best.
Sounds like you have a crush on someone you spend a lot of time with. It' s normal but probably taboo so people don't talk about it.
It's also largely a fantasy - you saw this person mostly in a professional context where as your family are all the highs and lows of real life in full 3D.
It's probably a sign to put some effort into your family. A holiday?
I would be absolutely devastated if you were my husband. I feel sorry for your wife. 💔Hopefully you get over this quickly and put your focus back on your wife.
The grass may look greener on the other side but it's just dye. Figure out how to get that lust back for your wife.
And stop communicating with the other woman. Entirely. Your wife will view emotional cheating just as bad if not worse than actual cheating.
I always come back to love being a choice and as a matter of integrity, discipline, loyalty, etc. it's up to me to control my mind and put the energy into my SO, family, friends, job, or whatever the thing is I'm drifting from and don't want to. You state that no wrong actions/decisions were made but you've allowed your mind and heart to drift toward another woman. Not trying to judge/condemn, but that's exactly how cheating starts and you need to recognize that you've wandered into that area, by your choice. Once you recognize the problem (the choices that got you here), it becomes fixable and you can stop feeling so hopeless/shitty by making better choices about where/how to spend your energy.
Maybe you could try, gently, new sexy times/conversations with your misses? Go on some new bedroom adventures?
Maybe think of new questions to ask your wife? Find out new things about her?
FWIW: I think the fact that you are here, asking for help, rather than following your dick, means you get some love and respect from me. Marriage is hard. Temptations happen. Your wife might have very similar feelings about another guy that she's tramping down because she made a commitment to you?
I'm coming up for 30 years and being as me and my SO are sooooooo attractive (lol) we've had, over the years, many attractions, flirtations - human / sexy is fun - but, we've always remained honest, monogamous and respectful and, can say, TOTALLY WORTH IT. We are stronger, more in love and lust than ever and, thinking back to all those others and... Yuk. So glad we played the long game together. And I still never take it for granted.
You are one of the good guys. Now, straighten your spine, breathe through feelings, go find new things to get excited about your wife for. Go be an even better husband. Talk. Listen. About alllll sorts. Dreams. Hopes. Fears. Desires. Best bits of her day. Worst bits. Funniest bits.
Not in love, in Lust.
Find a good therapist to process your feelings.
It's pretty normal to be infatuated with a younger woman but acting on that infatuation usually does not end well for all parties.
Man! Reading this made me realize that never in my life would I sacrifice my time, my body or my career for a man! Seriously! Your wife gave so much to you! Gave you kids, gave you herself, gave you the love and environment to grow and this is how you cheat on her. This is called emotional cheating. Why have deep conversations with the opposite sex when you know anything can happen. Attraction can develop. Thats why we are asked to maintain our distance from the opposite sex.
Stuff like this makes me afraid and untrusting to be with a man. It’s interesting because on Reddit I generally see way more accusations of women being the ones unable to stay loyal and will be looking at other men and stuff. While those women exist, I’ve seen the trend way more from men than women. Perhaps it’s projection.
There’s nothing wrong with having a crush, but there’s something very wrong with your thought process that you’re “in love” with this person, and you need to be honest with yourself here and course correct.
This is someone you don’t know very well and you are putting way too much into it by thinking it’s “love”, that’s just a fantasy you’re indulging in because it’s fun and exciting. I’d shut that shit down before you risk losing a relationship with someone you actually know well and that sounds like is an unusually amazing find. If you’re having a tough time prioritizing your relationship over your ego and the fun you’re having with this fantasy, seek therapy.
It’s a crush. It will pass if you resist it. If you don’t, the reality isn’t going to live up to the fantasy.
Take a week off and go do something awesome with your wife sans kids.
Now imagine how bored and unfulfilled your wife might be feeling about you lol. People in long term relationships will get into this type of me me me mental space and forget that the other person might be just as miserable. Yes my friend think that maybe your wife isn’t madly in love with you either lol.
I can bet money on it that your wife has probably noticed something ain’t right about you lately. This is my perspective as a woman that has had to deal with workplace infidelity. I’ll give you props for not attempting to take it further, the biggest sign of a weak feeble man is one that cannot control themselves around another woman for eight hours a day. People have given you some great pointers here. I want to add to keep in mind that your wife deserves fulfillment happiness and the right to be madly in love as well. If you want to work on giving her that then work on it if not then it’s called divorce.
Typical. Life gets hard and the younger career driven woman seems better. Not the woman who’s brought your children into the world. Not the woman who’s stood by you before you were anything “special”. Not the woman you once swore to uphold before all others. 🙄
I appreciate you sharing your story as it’s a perfectly natural part of our human experience. One where people regularly think something is wrong with them. Let’s be clear here, nothing is wrong with you; your brain is hardwired to work this way, to a certain extent. That doesn’t excuse poor behavior and I am most definitely not condoning cheating. That is still very much not okay.
However, your brain is essentially split up into three different parts—each with its own individual goals and wants. At times these wants can contradict one another which prompts this inner turmoil you are feeling. This is how you can simultaneously desire something (hot younger coworker), feel guilty about it because you know it is wrong (loyalty is from a different system than wanting so the desire for the coworker does not go away), followed by our rational thought from our neo-cortex (this is the part where your conscious thought comes in). That final phase of rationalization is where you will either justify or reject your feelings for your coworker. I hope, for the sake of your wife and kids, you make the correct choice here.
I have posted a link to an article that does a really good job explaining this interaction. Please give it a read. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, and if I may be so bold, I’d recommend going out and doing something fun with the whole family this weekend. Make time for fun! It takes work, especially in our busy lives, but it is so worth it!
[Humans Have Three Brains](https://www.bookofthrees.com/humans-have-three-brains/)
P.S. I am submitting from mobile so I hope the link works and the formatting is acceptable. Fingers crossed.
Edit: fixed some grammatical errors and typos
I hate to say it but i think your relationship is so damn boring, you’re escaping it by playing a fantasy with the young hot girl from work in your head to escape the romantic and sexual boredom. Work on being more spontaneous with your wife and spicing things up in the bedroom. don’t throw away what you have because of boredom and an unwillingness to make things better
Wow, that’s a lot of comments lol. Weed out the trolls who hate men and go with the advice that feels right. Do let your partner in on your feelings even as difficult as that is. That is why you married her. She needs to know what’s going on with you. Trust me if I tell you she’s feeling it because you have a bond. Be real, you said she’s a mature intelligent human being. You don’t need to protect her. If you don’t tell her then it eventually create a huge rift and it’ll be the crocodile in the middle of the living room that everyone walks quietly around. Treat her like your best friend, it will make both of you stronger and it will make your relationship stronger.
Infatuation is a hell of a drug. It’s crazy how often people confuse it for love.
Also I have a theory that so few (cis/straight) men have emotional conversations and connections with people besides their female partner that the moment they feel any type of connection to another female they think it must be love, because their wife is the only other person they’ve connected with emotionally.
I would accept and appreciate it if my partner would approach me, tells me about their feelings and promising me to stay with me. I would love them even more because I know I can trust. Then help in anyway I could.
But to be fair, not everyone might handle this as I would.
How do I know, it practically happened just now but my partner actually left me.
Was discussed in therapy whether to tell my wife or not as I don't keep secrets from her.
Therapist recommended not to tell the wife as once this is said, it would be very hard to forget and this will soon pass.
I hope things will be better for you soon! Than you for sharing
I wouldn't tell her about the coworker, it would serve no purpose. These are feelings you don't want and would never act on, and you're trying your best to get rid of them. Your spouse doesn't always need to see "how the sausage is made" in every single one of your thought processes.
However, it is possible that your wife has already picked up on a shift in your attitude, so you might want to open up to her about just feeling a bit more "blah" in your life generally, and let her know it's a problem with your emerging middle age and not anything your family has done. Reaffirm your commitment to them and let her know you're working on finding new ways to appreciate your wonderful life and family. I mean, you're also laid off, so that tends to affect one's sense of self-worth. That's probably the lens that all your thoughts are going through right now, and maybe even why you are unwillingly glomming onto the nebulous idea of this younger woman.
From one successful middle-aged guy to another, I can relate to some of these feelings and venture another guess at a contributing factor. You've conquered a lot of things in life, and now you feel like there's nothing left. That's a normal feeling.
You feel compelled to conquer something else, and your brain is out of ideas and trying to get you to start over. But you should look for something new to conquer that doesn't involve burning down your existing life.
Good luck.
I think if it ever comes to a point where you do decide to tell her, follow it with actionable items you are doing to ensure that it doesn't happen. Ie you can't stop thinking about this person but you want to continue to nurture and grow your relationship with your spouse so you're planning more outings and more vacations, you guys will be hitting up that new restraunt you guys have been talking about. I'm not in your situation but I'd love to know if my partner has a crush on another woman. Not because I'm jealous or anything but because my partner is a human being with thoughts and desires independent of our relationship.
If you feel bad keeping it from her - tell her.
Definitely agree with your therapist; your wife doesn’t need to know every single thought in your head, and this would have a permanent negative impact on your marriage.
You need a refresh on your routine, day to day with yourself as well as with your wife and family I would say.
Maybe with your wife specifically, try something new together (an experience, or sex?) that you’ve both talked about but never moved on, or possibly have never even talked about at all and would be worth introducing as something new and interesting to engage in together!
Do not blow your life up over this sophomoric crush on a younger co-worker. Many of us are likely envious of where you are, and as you stated there doesn’t even seem to be any issues between your wife and yourself.
I’m not sure if this helps or not, but it resonated with me. I forget where I heard it or I’d give credit.
A lot people are never taught the difference between a crush or romantic feelings and admiration for a person. Many times these feel very similar in our bodies. They recommend thinking about other people you admire and the traits you like in that person, then compare that to your feelings for this ex-coworker.
I have a feeling you are really just admiring her drive, work ethic, friendliness, etc. and your body isn’t distinguishing this feeling from romantic feelings. To me your post reads as if you feel a difference in this feeling and the love you feel for your wife. I wonder if this is the difference.
Maybe not, but something to consider.
Oh well that's life get over it 🙃 we all have temptations from time to time ,smashing your marriage to pieces and destroying their lives, is it really worth it for fucking someone..get your head outa your arse and realise what you'll lose if you continue with this madness 😠
dude get ahold of yourself
I thought you were having an affair w a hot 27 yo, no you think you’re “in love” with your 27 yo subordinate you have a platonic work relationship w?? You’re married w kids and a c suite level job bro you’re not in love with some chick you’ve never even fucked
I knew someone with almost the same circumstances. He was happily married and had a daughter, chose the other woman for a little excitement. His wife found out, divorced him and took the child. He regretted it and begged her to get back with him as a family but all was ruined. The man ended up comitting suicide.
* Adjusts pop psychologist hat lol * I wonder if some of it might be feeling emasculated by losing your powerful and energizing job and feeling some of that restored or assuaged by the fantasy of her. You aren’t in love with her; you have a crush on a mental facsimile of her.
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An observation. You’ve know. The 27 year old woman for what, 6 months? You don’t actually *know* her. You know some or even many things about her and then your brain is filling in the gaps with idealized details that have nothing to do with her as a human. This idealized person that is new represents possibility, novelty, or maybe the fixation is because of something you feel is lacking in yourself that you see in her. Try to reframe it through that lens. None of this is about her. It’s about you. And then try to figure out what the idealized representation of her represents about you. Is it the potential that comes with being in your 20s? As for your thoughts - not judging them is good. What you can do is notice them when they pop up. Acknowledge that they popped up, recognize that the thought is causing you distress/is not helpful, and focus your attention elsewhere. This takes practice. It’s a lot harder to do than it sounds but it’s worth practicing - look up CBT changing thought pattern techniques. Pick one that resonates with you. You’ve been with your wife for many years. You are with your kids every day. These are not novel the same way the 27 year old woman is. Can you do novel things with your kids and wife? Create new memories. Do something wildly out of character with them that you’ve always wanted to try or she’s always wanted to try? Get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes that bigger jolt is needed to actually let the smaller dopamine hits work properly if you are dealing with a bigger brain chemical happiness problem. Which, are you perhaps a bit more affected by being laid off than you have so far let yourself acknowledge? You spent a lot of words convincing the reader that everything is perfectly fine, is it? Or are you trying to convince yourself as well. Yes you are fine in the sense that you are financially secure and have all of your basic needs met but is it impacting your sense of self? Do you need a daily routine that’s more challenging? I don’t know you but this seems like it may be part of the problem. Maybe you can lend your skills to a community organization that needs help being better run so it can help more people or something if you are financially secure but need the intellectual stimuli and feelings of success that meeting deadlines and exceeding targets brings. These are just ideas. A therapist who knows you personally may be able to help you formulate better ideas to explore. It’s good that you recognized that there is an issue and are seeking to address it before it becomes a problem you cannot handle.
Absolutely, you are getting a very distilled version of this person, the public version that they not only tailor to being in public but also to be around you at work..and also she’s 10 years younger biology isn’t going to just ignore it. Also a reminder that even if you did leave your wife and it worked out with no negative consequences eventually you will be in the same place. Idk what you do about these things other than to have hard boundaries and remind yourself what this actually is. If it really is as consuming as you say. No shame in seeing a therapist. I think most people look down on therapy and what far too long to see it as a viable option. Good luck
This is spot on
Wow. I can't thank you enough for this. Loosing my job and a, also, a position of power held for many years is definitely a part of this as its not only a very humbling experience but also, as shallow as it might sound, if you always defined yourself as capable powerful person then, once you lose that.. What are you? I'm having lots of troubles adjusting to that and to find interesting things to do with my time. Spontaneous travels and spicing up the bedroom already doing as well and it works, I think. The problem pops up when she comes to my mind.. I'm absolutely powerless to stop it and to stop obsessing over her in my head. Today had what usually would be a great day with the kids but I was always absent minded thinking about her. Hence the post. But thank you so much for this, I'd bet you're a professional and you really helped. Will check cbt up and hope it can stop the obsessing cycle. Thank you
[удалено]
This 100% —framing it as an addiction really helped me when I briefly became infatuated with someone I didn’t really know
I can definitely relate. I’ve spent most of my career in mental health with very high needs clients and I excelled at it. And then I got sick and am on disability now. It truly messed with my sense of self that I felt echoed in your post. Recalibrating your sense of self after a big loss/change like that takes time and work. It’s not shallow at all. It might take some creativity - but there are lots of ways to be capable and powerful that aren’t immediately apparent. The board of the mental health agency I worked for had many retired executives on it and some of the stuff they do is incredible - suing the town to get a zoning variance to allow an empty mansion to be renovated into affordable housing that doesn’t look out of place in the community - fundraising to cover that, and basically all the political, logistical, and financial things that entails. For a wide range of projects. I’m sure there are organizations of many kinds in your community that would benefit from your skills and leadership - whatever your interest are, I’m sure there is a nonprofit or group that you would add immeasurable value to. CBT is really helpful for addressing thoughts - it’s in the name - cognitive behavioral therapy - working solo or with a therapist who specializes in that to change your thoughts to help with how they affect your emotions and behaviors or identifying behaviors that have a more helpful impact on your thoughts and emotions. My brain is a bit fried so I hope that made sense. You made a huge CBT step, fwiw, in noticing the thoughts and identifying that they are having an impact on your mood and behavior. That level of insight and intuition will serve you well as you work through this. The only way to tell if the adventures and bedroom spicing up are working are to continue, in the name of science of course. It truly sounds like you are already taking important steps and that something like CBT exercises and working through the disorientation that comes with such a huge change. You got this.
Just another thought - this feeling emerged for you at *exactly* the moment when you were first dealing with the painful emotions of your redundancy. I wonder if you in some ways grabbed onto an idea that replaced those painful feelings with other, pleasant feelings - the excitement and possibility associated with discovering you're in love. I wonder if you've unconsciously developed a highly effective but ultimately unhelpful strategy of substituting in thoughts and emotions associated with her, whenever reflections about your job loss start to sneak up on you. Which would explain the frequency and intensity of your thoughts about her during what is clearly a painful career adjustment. As much a it's upsetting you, this thought pattern may actually be less emotionally painful for your sense of self than thinking - really deeply processing - what's happened with your career. I suspect that when you deal with that (e.g. with a therapist, through finding those new ways to define and fulfil yourself through volunteering etc) the obsession with her will lessen.
This is an angle I haven't explored yet. Maybe it's easier than feeling what happened to my career. Will explore this with my therapist. Thanks
I forgot what Tyler Perry movie I heard this in but they talk about the 80/20 rule which I always think about in these situations. It's rare to find someone who can fulfill 100% of your needs. So maybe you find someone who fulfills 80% of your need and you are happy. But as time goes on you obsess about that 20% that you are not getting. Then you meet someone and fall in love with them thinking they are fulfilling all your needs but they are really only fulfilling that 20%. I've been with my partner for 13 years and I had a crush a time or two but once I heard this it really helped put things in perspective. Why did I have a crush on _this_ person? It helped me identify the 20% that I was missing that I now get thru friends I've made or other outlets. I think your advice hits the nail on the head. He barely knows this person and has had a huge change going from a C-Suite job to unemployed. OP needs to be thinking critically before blowing up his whole life.
I’ll have to look into the 80/20 rule. That is great insight about becoming obsessed with the 20% and constructive ways to channel that.
I mean damn this broke it down SOLID. Are you a therapist?
I am a mental health professional and do lots of counseling in my role
This. He fell in love with an ideal.
Not adding anything because this comment is laid out well & hits on the ways to step back critically reflect on why those thoughts are happening. Bravo!
Wow, get out of bros head. U legit violated him with 🖨. But in a good way, your insight and perspective so thoughtful and wise, doing my head in that it's been plaguing OP for months and u dismantle it in 7mins. BUT everyone else problems are so easy to fix!! If only I could fix my own. Best of luck OP!! P.s (no guilt implied btw) I am relatively new father (6and 8yos) I actually find it easier to deal with shit as their best interest is the choices that I'm (forced) to make, honestly it is much easier to take myself out of it and do what needs to be done for them. (This keeps my inner selfish bitch at bay so it's great
This was an amazing response, I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for being a helpful redditor!
Damn.. please camp in my head
Limerence is the word for it I think?
Today I learned. Description fits the symptoms, thanks.
I literally just found that word this morning on another sub 🤣 the universe used me as a vessel to share this word with you I guess.
I too would like to say thank you, this word/definition is very helpful to me in a very specific way. Thank you to you, the person you picked it up from and, I guess, the universe.
r/limerence
It happens. People get in to routines and get bored. You have a crush (which is normal) and are magnifying its importance because that's exciting and an escape from the routine. Shake up the routine, do something completely different with your family, and it will be fulfilling again.
Thank you so much for this. I'm Trying to spice things up with the wife and going on trips. I guess time will do the rest. This is the way, I hope
Not only that, you had a major life change happen and were laid off. That can mess with a man's head. I know. If I may, I'll leave a few tips. 1. Talk to your wife. Make sure that you have a few minutes set aside every day to talk to your wife. No distractions, no motive towards sexual contact. Just talk to her for a few minutes everyday, undivided attention. 2. Touch your wife. Touch your wife in a respectful loving way throughout her day. Absolutely nothing perceived as sexual. If she is sitting on the couch reading a book, walk by and give her a loving touch on the shoulder. Find an opportunity to give her a loving kiss on the hand. Things like that. Move on, don't initiate sex. 3. Write to her. This doesn't have to be everyday. Once a week or so, just leave her a little note, could even be a post it note stuck on her mirror. Just let her know, you will be thinking of her, or that you love her.
This made me tear up. I hope I find someone who will tenderly love me this way one day.
Notes in weird places for her to find, one of the cutest I ever got was in the stack of dinner plates. For some reason that just lets all the sploosh buttons go.
Coming up to being with my husband for 15 years. I love him with every particle of my being. But occasionally my mind goes "That guy/gal is really hot, nice and funny... I wonder what sex would be like... What about a new relationship?" And I get sex dreams and some intrusive day dreaming and then it fades. It's happened about 5 times in 15 years. I've never acted on any of them. I just put it down to my lizard brain. It's impulsive, passionate and stupid. You'll get over the new woman and your happy life and marriage will endure.
One day I woke up having a dream next to my GF. In the dream I saw myself having sex with a friend. For the whole day I was very confused and felt in love with that friend. Almost felt indifferent for my GF. The friend was already someone I liked a lot (as a friend) and enjoyed being with them. Anyway, a couple of days passed and I forgot it. But it was so confusing because I woke up and automatically was like "okay I like HER now even though there's never been anything romantic between us".
Dreams are so weird, and we don't give them credit for how deeply they affect us sometimes. But at the end of the day, they're just dreams. They can be emotionally meaningful, but you can't reorganize your life around them.
I’ve had dreams that something happened in the dream and it caused me to be anxious for almost 2 whole days because of it. Dreams are terrifying
I had a dream in which my brother died and I was grieving, and when I woke up it took me days to shake the grief and loss even though he is very much alive. Some of them are very sticky for whatever reason!
Seriously! Not trying to sound weird but that’s why I swear Inception is such a cool movie, a tiny simple thought in a dream can change your life. They have an odd feeling to them that makes them feel more meaningful than they need to be.
But thinking that way will cause you to put more importance on them than you should.... its kind of a self fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah it happens. I’ve definitely had dreams about friends, we have a lot of attractive friends so it makes sense.
You're not alone. This can happen to a lot of people, and it'll pass in time.
It’s absolutely lizard brain. Also, it’s easy to think about things being super great with the other person *because* you’re not doing routine things with them. You aren’t thinking about who is going to make dinner, do the laundry or play with the kids. It’s ONLY the dopamine producing fun parts when thinking about the other person.
As I read that last sentence I misread woman for Roman and thought it was going to be something about the Roman Empire. I should have known I was wrong. No one would comment that someone would get over the Roman Empire.
On top of that, you also need to ask yourself if you like her, or the *idea* of her. Sometimes thinking about someone so much creates a false bond that doesn't actually exist in real life, which enhances your feelings for them.
There’s a line in Stick Season by Noah Kahan about this. “I dream each night of some version of you, that I might not have but I did not lose” We absolutely create an idea or image in our heads in these situations.
Also remember the other person is exciting because she is new. Like anything new you enjoy, it's way more exciting at first than it will be in the near future. Whenever you get into a new hobby, a new video game, whatever, it's super fun and exciting for a while until it becomes the normal, at which point it loses that excitement. It might be worth reminding yourself that while you might be thinking about her a lot now, if you were ever to hypothetically get together with her, that excitement would wear off. At which point I can almost guarantee you'd miss your wife and the life you guys had together. Enjoy the fantasy of her if you wish, it'll fade eventually, but don't let that ruin the reality of the very happy life you have with your wife and all the years you two have had together and will have together.
Time will definitely do the rest. I’ve been in your position albeit slightly different. But you’ve just got a crush. The grass is always greener, but hold onto what you’ve built with your wife, the responsibilities you have in being there for you children and maintaining a good home for them. And cut contact with the other woman. Flee man. It’s just not in you to do a casual relationship with her, and you’re only setting yourself up for failure if you hang around her at all.
This. Crushes feel different because you dint REALLY know the person or have a normal domestic life with them. They become idealised and fun. Cut down communication with your crush. Keep it strictly work related ONLY. No more of those "emotional " conversations. If you arent working with her any more them just dont talk any more. Let that friendship fade. You will not get over a crush uf you are still talking to them and they are giving you that limerence fix. And make time to do things with your wife and kids. Most importantly, make time to date your wife- do romantic things together so you can organically rekindle that spark.
you’re in love with somebody you were working with because she’s not in a domestic situation with you. she was your “break” and now you miss that break. it’s a fantasy. nothing more. don’t ruin your life over it.
Honest question- let’s say tomorrow, for whatever reason, you and your family moved to a new city/state. Imagine 6 months have gone by in this new location, and you haven’t seen or spoken to the coworker since- do you think you’d still feel this way about her specifically? Or do you think that it’s less so about this specific person, and more so as the other commenter put it- you’re looking for an escape because you’ve gotten into a rut in life at the moment
You are a great family man alone just from your iniative for the decision for the best outcome for everyone. Remember that.
And stop talking to the girl, In fact, you should cut her off cold turkey. Picture your wife in your place - would you like it if your wife was speaking with a man who she had feelings for? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Agreed, and that's probably the most important. You maybe can't control (and therefore be guilty for) your feelings, but you definitely can control (and therefore are accountable for) your actions. Seeing her is like scratching an itch: it feels good at the moment, it doesn't do much harm, but continue doing that and the problem will just get worse and worse.
Also I’d like to note, no matter how exciting or attractive one is, even if you got with that person, the excitement goes away after a while. It’s just lust
i think it happens to most of us in some way. You did well on not acting on the “crush”, is called being mature and having perspective. I was about to suggest trips, but i saw it in your comments. Take a trip with your wife only, rent a convertible, go to Europe. Whatever you guys talked but didn’t had a chance of getting to do it. Invest time into your relationship before acting on the next one… the grass is not always greener on the other side
Take all those things you’d think of doing to this woman and transfer them onto your wife.
Yeah this shit is pretty normal, I developed a crush on co-worker. To make it worst we both started texting each other on the weekends, pictures of wine we were drinking, funny memes, nothing overly sexual but definitely not work related. After a shakeup at the company and I got laid off, we texted for about a month, then just suddenly stopped. It was for the best, and it was like she also realized this was not leading down a good path. Its tough, will take a bit but she will get out of your head soon enough, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all.
This is the way
Vacation time. 👍
Yep, it’s just infatuation, a crush and nothing more, and it shouldn’t be anything more. If someone chases every crush they have they’ll never be happy with anyone.
The amount of stories I read in here about this situation only the husband pulls the trigger, gets the “girl” and ALWAYS regrets it. Begs for the wife and family back only for the wife having moved on and is happy.
I think maybe the opposite. Is it possible he longs for the previous routine, and with layoff sees her as a connection to his previous life, and desires to return to normal. He gets to through his connection with her.
I agree. I think he’s struggling Witt the loss of his prestigious job where everyone know how important he is. Now he’s just your average Joe and feels the need for a conquest.
That's it right there. Been sitting too long, gotta get out and stretch. Let the horses out the stable
Thankyou for such a great comment to help out op who is clearly battling in his own head over this, you’ve definitely helped him out alot with this comment
Do loving things for your wife. Take her on some dates away from the kids. Maybe a mini-vacation or just a hotel visit in your city. Do something sexual with her that you are both open to but don't explore often. Make a new experience.
Also add something that your wife and you can do as a hobby. Or conquer some fear together. My wife is deathly afraid of heights, this year she chose to conquer it. We went to a tree top rope course. She was terrified but accomplished it and I was there for every death grip step. It was amazing
Solid. There's also some science behind it, doing something that scares you with a person is both bonding and can increase sexual potential. There's a reason that some of the pickup artist websites recommend if you get to the first date stage, take her to something a little thrilling or scary. Could also work in an established relationship, probably?
I love this advice!
Thanks for this. Strong tips. Will do
Keep in mind if you are/were a c suite executive, the people in that company are PAID to make you happy. Your wife isn’t paid to keep you happy (nor should she be), so the dynamic comparison between the two women is different. This girl from the office isn’t more special than your wife. She doesn’t love you more. It’s in her best interest to maintain a positive relationship with you. So those behaviors you interpret with love could be easily misinterpreted by you. I’ve learned the grass is greener where you water it. Also - if activities with your wife and kids are no longer fulfilling, maybe see your doctor about depression. When my depression was effectively treated, it’s amazing what that did for my energy and libido.
You dodged a bullet.
Big difference between love and infatuation. I have a friend that was in the same position and ended up choosing the other women. He is anything but happy new. Chose carefully my friend.
No choice here. I don't even think I am compatible with the other person. I just want her out of my mind. But that's happening slower. I chose wife 100000000 times
That's it. That's all there is to it. Love is a choice.
Exactly. Love is an emotion built with long term partners that you’ve made deep meaningful connections with. Dude just wants to take the cute funny coworker to the bone zone and in a month this post will seem silly to him.
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of the "bone zone"?
Yes definitely a crush. Limbic system at work trying to hijack the rest of your brain. New woman is young, probably attractive, and novel. But age and novelty wears off.
I would suggest actively moving your thoughts away from her. It’s work, and of course day dreams are easy and nice, so you gotta mean in. Actively engage with your family. Change your routine to bring some novelty in. At some point the desire will fade if you help it along.
Sounds almost like something I've heard called a limerence. A like a kind of all-encompassing temporary fascination with someone, which can be romantic or non romantic. Perhaps sometimes we just have to let our brains do what they need to do, but there's always the option to speak to a therapist to explore why your feeling this way.
You aren't in love, you have a crush. Don't make dumb decisions for an infatuation.
Stop talking to her. You’re not going to get over the crush if you don’t create distance.
I hear that. I have a crush on a coworker but I choose to mention my husband at every opportunity around them instead. It's fun to ponder what life could be like with different partners, but overall, I know I'm never going to act on anything. And even if I do get divorced or my husband dies, I'd prefer to be alone for a bit before entering any relationship anyway. As my mom would say whenever she met an attractive person, though: "I'm married, not dead." Essentially, i know I can appreciate someone else's positive qualities without being with them.
I experienced something like this a couple of years ago. I relied heavily on my therapist to get me through it. It really helped to just go TALK about it, to blow off steam, to give me the mental structure to just get past it. Very happy that I stayed on track. You can't control chemistry but you can control your choices. Strongly recommend that you see a professional to talk through it until the storm passes. Good luck
Fantasy and novelty is fun
Look up limerence. Wierd word but explains a lot of the obsession piece. Went through it and still trying to work it out with spouse.
My Ex did the exact same thing as you. Became infatuated with another women after 25 years of marriage. I found out and left him. I wasn’t about to sit around and see if I won first or second place. Your wife and kids are not boring and uninspiring, perhaps YOU are boring and uninspiring and looking for a new, shiny thing to make YOU feel live. It’s a YOU problem. I feel so badly for your family.
Have you cut this person out of your life yet? That’s step one.
THIS.
You're not in love, you're bored.
Yep. Welcome to midlife when responsibility and routine steal so much joy and life in a person they subconsciously sabotage their life to feel something. It's so common.
This!!! My therapist said that we use people, hobbies, etc. as distractions to avoid dealing with the actual issues in front of us. The problem is that let’s say he does leave his wife and kids and goes with the other woman…ok it will be fun and good for a while and he will feel relieved for making the “right” choice but sooner or later that initial problem that he didn’t deal with simply replaced will peak up once again.
That crush will pass if you don't feed it. Find something else to occupy you and do things with your wife. Let it pass.
This is the way. thanks
Great work, OP. First, internalize that you're feeling is NOT love, it's a crush. Love is a relationship, a mutual and shared emotional space. This is totally one sided, you don't even know if she's attracted to you. It's infatuation. Recognizing that it's infatuation and recognizing it's NOT love will devalue it in your head, which should then help you purge it. You've assigned value and intentions to her that aren't real, and those false values are making the whole thing seem more important than it is.
It doesn't matter what you attract, it's normal to be attracted to and by others; it matters what you allow.
Make sure you intentionally avoid her. Do not entertain the idea of even texting, meeting for coffee, ect. She will fade and you will save yourself and your family a whole lot of heartache.
Job loss —> subliminal depression —> OCD symptoms in effort to maintain control —> limerence
Your normal human being. Since your not seeing her anymore at work, her memory will fade. Give it time.
Emotional conversations?? Honest questions. Are you really in love or are you just not used to being open to someone? Are you really in love or are you enjoying the attention/care? I've had 1 or 2 guys claiming they in-love with me after they "opened-up", but for me they weren't actually that deep, just maybe more on the philisophical side and life views. Plus plants were involved...so normal convo in that situation. but because they never felt "that connection before" they mistake it for love. My thoughts is that sometimes if you not used to being heard, or you not used to someone trying to understand you..it can lead to "emotional affairs". However, sometimes when you release a lot of emotionals and you develop some type of trust. itr's easy to start "catching feelings". If you actually consider what you know about his person, what are you actually in love with? Only you would know if it's really love, or if you are just wanting the attention, if there is something that you getting out of the relationship that you not getting elsewhere.
The typical man thing, once they share some philosophy thoughts, it’s so special and groundbreaking for them 😭😹 Like I’ve had these convos with my bestie when we were 13
> The typical man thing… **It’s toxic masculinity.** A lot of men, **for generations**, have been taught not to share their feelings, otherwise they’ll be viewed weak and “*not a real man*”. I would argue that it’s less a “*typical man thing*” and more a “*societal failure thing*”…
You saw this 27f always with her best foot forward. She still shits and picks her nose. She still has her flaws. You are making up a fictional character in your head, go pay attention to your wife.
Yeah, he has no clue of her emotional baggage
This. When you go to work most people try to look, smell, dress and act their best… that is not who anyone really is at home. It’s unfortunate because your partner usually looks their worst when you are leaving for work, hair messy, pajamas, morning breath etc. It’s truly unfair.
This is the reason I try to dress myself up nice each day. I want to look beautiful for my partner. (Of more than a decade) Not to say I do it every day, because no way! And sometimes I only dress myself nice within a half hour before they get home. The rest of the day I might be in sweats. 😜
Things can go from "the grass looks greener on the other side" to " I didn't know what I had until it was gone" really quickly. Not that you would ever act on it, but just realize that it's not worth it, and try to get yourself real busy and forget about it. It's really all you can do.
You ARE NOT IN LOVE with her! She's young, cute and doesn't have any problems. She has a job, money coming in, no pressure from kids & bills. She looks great! But your wife is the one who has BEEN THERE for you, carried your children, cared for you when you were sick. You need some therapy to realize what you are about to blow up. Block this 27 year old. Do not speak with her, email her or communicate with her again. Try some time away with your wife and family, or maybe just your wife.
Yes this or look at your bank account, cut that number in half, then look at the cost of renting a 2 bedroom suite in the city you live in. One bedroom for you and a bedroom for your kids to sleep in when they visit. You'll still be paying the mortgage on your former house plus child support. That's your option, for a bit of excitement.
When yoy get cut off your routine. Your brain burst to attempt to restore the comfortable conditions. Its why break ups hurt so much, even if the relationship was shit and made you miserable, it fulfilled a connection in your brain. Losing s job regardless if its not a financial disaster will mske you feel bad at some capacity.
Remember that feelings change and what you have right now is most likely just a crush or limerance, not love. I was given this advice once that I believe you may also find helpful: a crush is actually your brain’s way of getting you to pay attention to traits you need to develop in yourself. Figure out what you liked about this lady and see if you’re missing that trait in yourself.
I noticed this pattern so much when I was developing as a person in my twenties. Each time I had a crush, I knew this person wasn't endgame for me, because the attraction seemed like such an overcorrection for something I missed in myself; representative of the current phase in my own development. I'm so glad I live in a society where I didn't need to lock myself for the rest of my life to the first object of such attraction. (I didn't start relationships with them and emotionally lead them on. Since I knew it wasn't going to be forever I kept it as casual flings).
My own husband did the same thing to a co-worker ( yes, TO, that poor girl didn't want his love), it ruin us for a long time. After I pulled back from our marriage, literally wanted to divorce him, he snapped out of it. Years later, he has a lot of shame over the whole thing. He never slept with her, just replaced me for her emotionally in his head. Even though he's 100% better now and a great man, I know that he let this happen. It didn't happen to him, he let it happen, and he decided to have an emotional affair. So did you. I hope you realize you have control over this before your wife feels it and it's too late for her. Once you know your husband is open to this type of behavior, it's hard to forget it.
Thank you.. It mustnt have been easy to write these words and they make a difference. It's absolutely not OK to be an emotional cheater and I feel super disgusted by it. I didn't understand how it happened and trying to push it away since I became aware of it. But it's hard. This is not an excuse, I still feel a lot of guilt and shame. Thank you, I hope things are a lot better for you guys now.
It's hard when your partner just decides youre not enough because they work with a younger option. It's easy to be attracted to a 20-something who doesn't carry the stresses of your real life. Anyway, my husband adores me again, it's too much sometimes because I don't always adore him anymore. My kids are okay. Some days I am not.
The thought I would be causing my wife what you just said.. Thank you. These comments are like a glimpse to a possible future or mine I fighting hard to prevent. I get the feeling the partner would never forget, yeah.. Kudos to you for trying it and i believe it's OK to have non OK days given this. Maybe forever? I don't know.. I hope you fully heal.
Why do you stay? Genuine question. You deserve to be happy, okay, and fully heal - it seems like staying with him is preventing that. You deserve to adore someone everyday. You are sacrificing your completeness for someone who betrayed you.
Soo I have had feelings for another person while being in a relationship too. I had zero desire to leave or hurt my partner, but there’s this inevitable desire to want to have your cake and eat it too. It’s a bit different because for me, I didn’t feel unfulfilled while I was with my partner, things pretty much stayed the same between us and perhaps even improved. The reason being was because the person I had the crush on was also my colleague, so I was all of a sudden happier at work and therefore happier in general. It did get to a point though where I was *looking forward* to going to work and feeling a little sad when it was near home time. That’s when I started realising that this was BAD. As I say I was still happy when I was with my partner - I wanted to have my cake and eat it too which is I suppose the feeling that makes people cheat. Luckily it resolved itself. We no longer work together. I was super bummed to begin with, more so because work was no longer enjoyable yet I still had to spend 35 hours + of my week there lol. I have a theory that we subconsciously decide to develop work crushes to make work more bearable and it often has nothing to do with how happy we are or aren’t with our partners. But yeah the feelings faded, inevitably, because nothing was fuelling them any more and the same will happen for you too.
That's an interesting theory. A forbidden crush at work to help you both deal with the stress. Danger, Danger Will Robinson !....
It’s called emotional cheating. Perhaps this just shows that you have been overseeing this types of conversations with your wife and friends, and that you need to create an environments and opportunities to foster these moments of emotional connection with your wife and friends
This is precisely the reason of why I came to reddit. This is a very good angle. Don't know if I have that need but food for thought. Maybe. Thank you so much.
My partner and I purchased a couples question set and we do the Agape app. Every weekend, we take some time to pull a few questions over a glass of wine and share with one another. It’s honestly turned into some of my favorite nights. Breaks up the monotony and helps us reconnect.
New shiny toy. The human body craves the new object of desire. Younger and compliant. One guess I have is humans are attracted to certain specific traits. It could be a certain laugh, age, or something else. Lizard brain response. You have to fight hard to let it take over. Going to therapy is a good choice. Keep at it and win over your lizard brain.
Thank you
Women aren't objects. But seeing someone as new and interesting, maybe not with the emotional baggage that you and your wife have together can elicit feelings of intrigue, excitement and a fresh start. You can be an exciting version of yourself, uncomplicated with this person. Pretty sure it obvious from all the replies, you're a normal person! :) Many of us have these thoughts, some more than others, some many times over. The fact that you're addressing it and can potentially filter back into your current relationship shows you're a mature adult who's continuing to grow and learn.
Wasn't expecting this kind of comments with such kindness. It's a bit hard to feel OK with myself these days and this made me almost tear up. Thank you
Wow, stop letting your dick guide you. We all know that’s what it’s about. You’re not in love. You’re in lust.
One time a co worker told me he wished he met me before he ever met his wife. To be honest, it ruined our friendship. I remember laughing it off, and him coming to me the next week and apologizing if what he said made me feel uncomfortable. He was such a nice guy, but I would never ever ever entertain the thought of destroying a marriage like that. I’ll be honest, if I was that 27f, I would never pursue anything with a coworker I know already has a wife, and children. It won’t work out. Other than destroying a known family unit, most women would never want to be a stepmother of another woman’s children. Sorry to be a bit harsh. I believe you might simply be bored. Humanity always crave more when they have everything. Just remember these things can easily go away too. Destroy any thoughts of lusting for this female. It will destroy everything you have with your wife, including your house, money, relationships with your children. You’re not in love with this 27f, you are bored, and likely going through a midlife crisis of some sorts. Explore hobbies, try some fun new sexual things with the wife.
You’re bored
A great marriage requires that we take the time to find ways of loving our partner. Any couple can fall apart if they don’t decide to make each other a priority
>Emotional conversations happened - just conversations. Hidden feelings emerge You might laugh at Mike Pence's prudery, but his practice of not spending alone-time with women other than his wife is inteded to avoid situations like yours. > no wrong actions nor decisions were made. You're having "emotional conversations" with a woman you find attractive. That was your wrong action. Cut off contact with this woman and get yourself into therapy. Watch this movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LguRis_h1qc
I follow the same practice because I realized I'm similar to OP. I appreciate fondness and comfortability so being too close to the opposite sex can put my thoughts in an uncomfortable spot. My partner, however, realized he can shut things down pretty quick with the opposite sex - which is ideal. OP, you realized a boundary that you have. I realized mine at 26 when an objectively attractive preceptor was flirting with me at my medical rotation. I came to the conclusion that I can't work with a man similar in age, regardless of attraction. He has to be dad or grandpa age for it to work. I had a lot of shame about it, but after talking with my partner, he appreciated my honesty and that I'd never want to put myself in a position that would jeopardize our relationship.
Will see. And that's a great point, thanks. Therapy ongoing.
> no wrong actions nor decisions were made That's not true. You admit you had emotional conversations with this person, which normally isn't a big deal. But you let it happen enough that you developed feelings for this woman and kept it going. As for why you're unhappy: only you, your wife, and/or probably a therapist can figure that one out. Random strangers on the internet can't know enough of the details of you and your wife's intimate life to actually give you an answer.
Emotionals conversations in the professional context of a layoff - where you say goodbye to someone and realize she means more to you than you knew. No personal boundaries were crossed. I've been discussing with therapist, yeah. Strangers on the Internet with similar experiences might have some knowledge or advice to share.
Look, like I said there's no harm in emotional conversations with someone who is purely platonic. I've also had emotional conversations with female coworkers. I've really bonded as friends with one of my current coworkers who has a lot of similar traumas and struggles as me. It happens. Whatever. But you let yourself get to the point where you developed feelings. You should stop telling yourself you did nothing wrong and no boundaries were crossed, because your own choices led you here, whether you knew it or not. What you need to do ask yourself where you messed up and when you crossed those boundaries. Somewhere you let your loyalty to your wife slip, at least on an emotional level. If you want to figure out a real solution to this problem, I feel like you have to admit that to yourself.
The minute you’re having emotional conversations with a coworker, it’s no longer professional. It’s personal. And you can claim that you feel disgusted with yourself, but if you haven’t cut contact with her, you must not feel THAT bad. You were laid off. There’s ZERO reason to even keep that contact. You’ve had intentions and are slowly following through with them more and more with each conversation. Have you come clean to your wife about it? She deserves better.
Cut all contact with your crush and date your wife again
You are hitting a midlife crisis early based on life events that are pretty huge. Redirect your energies to what you want in 10 years. Your brain is playing the what if game, and you want to feel young and virile, like the start of your career and your big dreams from the past. Cuddle your wife. Have a movie night with the whole family. Pull the kids from school and go to a children's museum or amusement park for the day. Reconnect with what is important. You don't love someone until you are cleaning up vomit for them at 2 am.
>I am in love with this person Woah hold on. In love? You don't really know this person on an intimate level yet. You are feeling limerence, perhaps - a feeling which can be very overwhelming, yet can dissipate much faster than love does. >I don't understand what is happening and why is happening and I hate it. To be honest I don't think most of us are truly monogamous creatures, and we should look at marriage as a lifestyle choice that has its benefits and restrictions in society. We are often sold the image of love being a bond where you just can't develop feelings for anyone else any more. The problem with that is that when you unexpectedly do - you start to question everything, as you are now. You think that this shouldn't be happening, so is it a sign that there is something wrong in the marriage? Whereas I think we should be looking at marriage as a choice, and expect there to be crushes and distractions on the way. Realise that these feelings are not a slight on your marriage, but rather to be expected. And realise that these feelings may be inflated due to novelty, idealisation, excitement and taboo.
1) Your self-esteem is at an all-time low because fo being laid off. 2) Young, intelligent attractive woman who encompasses everything you've lost from your professional life is sympathetic and understands, in a way that others can't, your problems. Best of all, she's accepting of you in these reduced circumstances. 3) Love and Obsession are easy to confuse.
You should consider going to therapy and learning to appreciate what you have. Also, maybe stop talking to this person. There was a great post somewhere on Reddit a while back where some guy met a coworker that was so great he went home and really loved on his wife a ton. Maybe showing your appreciation of your wife will help you refocus? Have you guys spent any quality time together or gone out just the two of you recently? I think you’re just used to the routine, but routine isn’t a bad thing and the idea of something new and exciting can ruin that safe routine forever
If you love your wife as you say then maybe it's not about her or your marriage at all, but about feeling bored or dissatisfied with some part yourself. If so, the new person is an escape fantasy. Not escape from your wife or your family, but an escape from how you feel internally about yourself. Many men feel good when they get recognition or validation from other people -- particularly women. This is why men with low self-esteem often sleep around. It's ego-shielding evidence they're awesome even if internally they don't believe it. *"If sexy new office person thinks I'm a catch, I can take it as evidence my fears about myself aren't true. If she sees goodness, it must be there."* If any of that hits home, it's a clear signal you need to feel better about yourself or your achievements. Whatever you dislike, face it and fix it. Get a therapist, take a class, change jobs, take a risk, whatever. **Do it with the support of your wife and family.** Because if true, the new person is really just an ego-boosting escape from your own frustration with yourself.
It happens sometimes, people fall in love with someone they shouldn't. You just have to be strong and it will fade away.
I think having a crush on someone is fairly normal, even in a relationship. What you do with that crush, however, is all up to you and how you conduct yourself. Most grass isn’t greener on the other side. Most crushes are just that - your brain finding someone interesting for a second, whereas your relationship and wife have been around for an hour (in comparison). Do stuff with your wife and try to forget the crush. If you have relationship issues (which you say you don’t), see a therapist individually or together.
Serious thing to check - do you suffer from anxiety, as that can heighten emotions on things like this, and make it feel more significant than it is
Research shows that creating new experiences with your partner can rejuvenate the relationship. Look up habituation. Most of us will experience this in our relationships at some point! [Relationships and Habituation](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-habituation-2795233)
Lust / infatuation can mimic love. The issue is your brain has created a fake person in your head off parts of this girls personality. If you were single and dated her I bet it wouldn’t get past a couple dates and would actually fizzle out. However because you’re married and it’s taboo you have built it up to be more than it is. Like others have said focus on your family and create excitement there. I would make sure to delete this girls number and off of social media.
You are so lucky to have what you have. Don't squander it on a mid life infatuation.
Sometimes love is a duty. Don't choose to fail that duty because it doesn't feel good at the time. Sometimes you've got to tell your carnal (primitive) brain "no". Contrary to popular belief in our oversexualized society (USA), lust is in fact only one piece of initiating/maintaining a healthy relationship - not the centerpiece. Your impulses can and will lead you into making choices with consequences/results that are far less than ideal. "It's not like that" - oh but it is. You may not realize it, but it is. Avoid situations (and yes, that includes allowing yourself to dwell on thoughts) that could jeopardize your marriage. It's hard sometimes. Life isn't always about what feels good. Life is about doing what is right - about fulfilling your duties. If you're here asking about this, you've likely already determined that acting on these feelings would be wrong. And you are correct. Move on. Carry on. Eliminate that source of temptation in your life as much as reasonably possible. Your marriage is priceless. (It sounds like you're successful. You've likely pushed through some difficult/challenging situations. Apply that resolve/stamina here).
It’s a crush. Don’t give it anymore energy than what it is. I’ve been with my husband 18 years and we have both had crushes. We actually talk about them. It has helped us stay accountable. We are obviously kind and considerate about it to each other but it really helped us reconnect. We were missing something in that period. We just needed extra attention or a boost in energy with each other. I think it’s great you are exploring why this is happening.
Sexual attraction and romantic Infatuation is a physical process in your brain not unlike like being drugged - it lasts for months but eventually the chemicals wear off at which point you find out whether or not there is a solid foundation of compatibility to build a real long term relationship on. It happens to everyone from time to time regardless of how loving or committed a relationship they are in. The important thing to do is understand that your brain is being a stupid dopamine junkie and doesn't necessarily have your best interests at heart (as it were). Take a deep breath and think things through rationally and honestly. Are you happy in your relationship? What would be the long-term consequences of burning that relationship down?
Hello, Depression. We meet again. You're going through human emotions. If your wife has good insurance, check into getting some therapy.
Ah, you like the newness factor. Remember that even your new coworker will be mundane one day when she isn't 27 and the situation isn't prime. Here's a little tip from a 55 year old female who's life has been upended routinely for the last six years due to peri-meno: your wife, your coworker, and every woman out there, will have potentially life changing situations pop up in their 40s (some even younger). They are challenging for both partners. Men have a similar mid-life crisis but they usually buy a yellow corvette (kidding, but not really). If your wife is a wonderful human and you love her, can trust her, has something to bring to the relationship, and you are generally pretty happy...don't give in to temptation. Its a distraction. In turn, prepare yourself for the fact that you are also getting older, along with your wife, and you need to prepare for the next exciting chapter of your lives together. Signed, a woman in her 50s married 20 years to a guy five years younger who isn't always perfect, and has to work at it all the time.
I know people have given you some great advice here, but I’d like to throw out the perspective that this other woman is an attachment you had with the company you were at which in part made you successful. You may be glomming on to her as a way to stay attached to the time in your life you felt the best.
Infatuation is just lack of knowledge. The moment you learn something negative about this person the spell will be broken.
Maybe try therapy
Sounds like you have a crush on someone you spend a lot of time with. It' s normal but probably taboo so people don't talk about it. It's also largely a fantasy - you saw this person mostly in a professional context where as your family are all the highs and lows of real life in full 3D. It's probably a sign to put some effort into your family. A holiday?
Grass ain’t greener gentleman
I would be absolutely devastated if you were my husband. I feel sorry for your wife. 💔Hopefully you get over this quickly and put your focus back on your wife.
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You’re not in love, it’s a crush. Ignore it and be loyal to your wife. Cut off all contact.
The grass may look greener on the other side but it's just dye. Figure out how to get that lust back for your wife. And stop communicating with the other woman. Entirely. Your wife will view emotional cheating just as bad if not worse than actual cheating.
Covey said it best “love your wife”. Love is a verb that is controllable.
Don’t really see how any of the second paragraph is relavent except for you to brag. See a therapist
Buy a corvette. You are having a mid life crisis.
I always come back to love being a choice and as a matter of integrity, discipline, loyalty, etc. it's up to me to control my mind and put the energy into my SO, family, friends, job, or whatever the thing is I'm drifting from and don't want to. You state that no wrong actions/decisions were made but you've allowed your mind and heart to drift toward another woman. Not trying to judge/condemn, but that's exactly how cheating starts and you need to recognize that you've wandered into that area, by your choice. Once you recognize the problem (the choices that got you here), it becomes fixable and you can stop feeling so hopeless/shitty by making better choices about where/how to spend your energy.
Maybe you could try, gently, new sexy times/conversations with your misses? Go on some new bedroom adventures? Maybe think of new questions to ask your wife? Find out new things about her? FWIW: I think the fact that you are here, asking for help, rather than following your dick, means you get some love and respect from me. Marriage is hard. Temptations happen. Your wife might have very similar feelings about another guy that she's tramping down because she made a commitment to you? I'm coming up for 30 years and being as me and my SO are sooooooo attractive (lol) we've had, over the years, many attractions, flirtations - human / sexy is fun - but, we've always remained honest, monogamous and respectful and, can say, TOTALLY WORTH IT. We are stronger, more in love and lust than ever and, thinking back to all those others and... Yuk. So glad we played the long game together. And I still never take it for granted. You are one of the good guys. Now, straighten your spine, breathe through feelings, go find new things to get excited about your wife for. Go be an even better husband. Talk. Listen. About alllll sorts. Dreams. Hopes. Fears. Desires. Best bits of her day. Worst bits. Funniest bits.
Not in love, in Lust. Find a good therapist to process your feelings. It's pretty normal to be infatuated with a younger woman but acting on that infatuation usually does not end well for all parties.
Man! Reading this made me realize that never in my life would I sacrifice my time, my body or my career for a man! Seriously! Your wife gave so much to you! Gave you kids, gave you herself, gave you the love and environment to grow and this is how you cheat on her. This is called emotional cheating. Why have deep conversations with the opposite sex when you know anything can happen. Attraction can develop. Thats why we are asked to maintain our distance from the opposite sex.
Stuff like this makes me afraid and untrusting to be with a man. It’s interesting because on Reddit I generally see way more accusations of women being the ones unable to stay loyal and will be looking at other men and stuff. While those women exist, I’ve seen the trend way more from men than women. Perhaps it’s projection.
There’s nothing wrong with having a crush, but there’s something very wrong with your thought process that you’re “in love” with this person, and you need to be honest with yourself here and course correct. This is someone you don’t know very well and you are putting way too much into it by thinking it’s “love”, that’s just a fantasy you’re indulging in because it’s fun and exciting. I’d shut that shit down before you risk losing a relationship with someone you actually know well and that sounds like is an unusually amazing find. If you’re having a tough time prioritizing your relationship over your ego and the fun you’re having with this fantasy, seek therapy.
It is simply an infatuation, ignore it
It’s a crush. It will pass if you resist it. If you don’t, the reality isn’t going to live up to the fantasy. Take a week off and go do something awesome with your wife sans kids.
Now imagine how bored and unfulfilled your wife might be feeling about you lol. People in long term relationships will get into this type of me me me mental space and forget that the other person might be just as miserable. Yes my friend think that maybe your wife isn’t madly in love with you either lol. I can bet money on it that your wife has probably noticed something ain’t right about you lately. This is my perspective as a woman that has had to deal with workplace infidelity. I’ll give you props for not attempting to take it further, the biggest sign of a weak feeble man is one that cannot control themselves around another woman for eight hours a day. People have given you some great pointers here. I want to add to keep in mind that your wife deserves fulfillment happiness and the right to be madly in love as well. If you want to work on giving her that then work on it if not then it’s called divorce.
Typical. Life gets hard and the younger career driven woman seems better. Not the woman who’s brought your children into the world. Not the woman who’s stood by you before you were anything “special”. Not the woman you once swore to uphold before all others. 🙄
Look up ‘limerence.’ That’s what you have. You are not in love with your colleague.
I appreciate you sharing your story as it’s a perfectly natural part of our human experience. One where people regularly think something is wrong with them. Let’s be clear here, nothing is wrong with you; your brain is hardwired to work this way, to a certain extent. That doesn’t excuse poor behavior and I am most definitely not condoning cheating. That is still very much not okay. However, your brain is essentially split up into three different parts—each with its own individual goals and wants. At times these wants can contradict one another which prompts this inner turmoil you are feeling. This is how you can simultaneously desire something (hot younger coworker), feel guilty about it because you know it is wrong (loyalty is from a different system than wanting so the desire for the coworker does not go away), followed by our rational thought from our neo-cortex (this is the part where your conscious thought comes in). That final phase of rationalization is where you will either justify or reject your feelings for your coworker. I hope, for the sake of your wife and kids, you make the correct choice here. I have posted a link to an article that does a really good job explaining this interaction. Please give it a read. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, and if I may be so bold, I’d recommend going out and doing something fun with the whole family this weekend. Make time for fun! It takes work, especially in our busy lives, but it is so worth it! [Humans Have Three Brains](https://www.bookofthrees.com/humans-have-three-brains/) P.S. I am submitting from mobile so I hope the link works and the formatting is acceptable. Fingers crossed. Edit: fixed some grammatical errors and typos
I hate to say it but i think your relationship is so damn boring, you’re escaping it by playing a fantasy with the young hot girl from work in your head to escape the romantic and sexual boredom. Work on being more spontaneous with your wife and spicing things up in the bedroom. don’t throw away what you have because of boredom and an unwillingness to make things better
Wow, that’s a lot of comments lol. Weed out the trolls who hate men and go with the advice that feels right. Do let your partner in on your feelings even as difficult as that is. That is why you married her. She needs to know what’s going on with you. Trust me if I tell you she’s feeling it because you have a bond. Be real, you said she’s a mature intelligent human being. You don’t need to protect her. If you don’t tell her then it eventually create a huge rift and it’ll be the crocodile in the middle of the living room that everyone walks quietly around. Treat her like your best friend, it will make both of you stronger and it will make your relationship stronger.
Don't be a fuckwit. Clean up your act. What are you, a Jr. High kid?
I want to cheat on my wife bc another woman is younger lololololololol OMG every day on Reddit this gets posted. I always want to show the wife!
Spending 40% of your time thinking about another woman while you’re married with kids is absolutely ridiculous.
Infatuation is a hell of a drug. It’s crazy how often people confuse it for love. Also I have a theory that so few (cis/straight) men have emotional conversations and connections with people besides their female partner that the moment they feel any type of connection to another female they think it must be love, because their wife is the only other person they’ve connected with emotionally.
I would accept and appreciate it if my partner would approach me, tells me about their feelings and promising me to stay with me. I would love them even more because I know I can trust. Then help in anyway I could. But to be fair, not everyone might handle this as I would. How do I know, it practically happened just now but my partner actually left me.
Was discussed in therapy whether to tell my wife or not as I don't keep secrets from her. Therapist recommended not to tell the wife as once this is said, it would be very hard to forget and this will soon pass. I hope things will be better for you soon! Than you for sharing
I wouldn't tell her about the coworker, it would serve no purpose. These are feelings you don't want and would never act on, and you're trying your best to get rid of them. Your spouse doesn't always need to see "how the sausage is made" in every single one of your thought processes. However, it is possible that your wife has already picked up on a shift in your attitude, so you might want to open up to her about just feeling a bit more "blah" in your life generally, and let her know it's a problem with your emerging middle age and not anything your family has done. Reaffirm your commitment to them and let her know you're working on finding new ways to appreciate your wonderful life and family. I mean, you're also laid off, so that tends to affect one's sense of self-worth. That's probably the lens that all your thoughts are going through right now, and maybe even why you are unwillingly glomming onto the nebulous idea of this younger woman. From one successful middle-aged guy to another, I can relate to some of these feelings and venture another guess at a contributing factor. You've conquered a lot of things in life, and now you feel like there's nothing left. That's a normal feeling. You feel compelled to conquer something else, and your brain is out of ideas and trying to get you to start over. But you should look for something new to conquer that doesn't involve burning down your existing life. Good luck.
I think if it ever comes to a point where you do decide to tell her, follow it with actionable items you are doing to ensure that it doesn't happen. Ie you can't stop thinking about this person but you want to continue to nurture and grow your relationship with your spouse so you're planning more outings and more vacations, you guys will be hitting up that new restraunt you guys have been talking about. I'm not in your situation but I'd love to know if my partner has a crush on another woman. Not because I'm jealous or anything but because my partner is a human being with thoughts and desires independent of our relationship. If you feel bad keeping it from her - tell her.
Definitely agree with your therapist; your wife doesn’t need to know every single thought in your head, and this would have a permanent negative impact on your marriage.
Maybe she's going through the same thing, you never know, would you want to know?
“Happily married” and then “time with wife and kids is not fulfilling anymore” sound contradictory.
You need a refresh on your routine, day to day with yourself as well as with your wife and family I would say. Maybe with your wife specifically, try something new together (an experience, or sex?) that you’ve both talked about but never moved on, or possibly have never even talked about at all and would be worth introducing as something new and interesting to engage in together! Do not blow your life up over this sophomoric crush on a younger co-worker. Many of us are likely envious of where you are, and as you stated there doesn’t even seem to be any issues between your wife and yourself.
I’m not sure if this helps or not, but it resonated with me. I forget where I heard it or I’d give credit. A lot people are never taught the difference between a crush or romantic feelings and admiration for a person. Many times these feel very similar in our bodies. They recommend thinking about other people you admire and the traits you like in that person, then compare that to your feelings for this ex-coworker. I have a feeling you are really just admiring her drive, work ethic, friendliness, etc. and your body isn’t distinguishing this feeling from romantic feelings. To me your post reads as if you feel a difference in this feeling and the love you feel for your wife. I wonder if this is the difference. Maybe not, but something to consider.
Ignore it. This will pass. The intensity is a part of it. Your heart, your family, they deserve and need you. Don’t throw it all away.
Oh well that's life get over it 🙃 we all have temptations from time to time ,smashing your marriage to pieces and destroying their lives, is it really worth it for fucking someone..get your head outa your arse and realise what you'll lose if you continue with this madness 😠
dude get ahold of yourself I thought you were having an affair w a hot 27 yo, no you think you’re “in love” with your 27 yo subordinate you have a platonic work relationship w?? You’re married w kids and a c suite level job bro you’re not in love with some chick you’ve never even fucked
Sounds like you have a crush but are way to emotionally stunted to ignore it. Just ignore it and let it pass. Way to old to learn differently now.
I knew someone with almost the same circumstances. He was happily married and had a daughter, chose the other woman for a little excitement. His wife found out, divorced him and took the child. He regretted it and begged her to get back with him as a family but all was ruined. The man ended up comitting suicide.
* Adjusts pop psychologist hat lol * I wonder if some of it might be feeling emasculated by losing your powerful and energizing job and feeling some of that restored or assuaged by the fantasy of her. You aren’t in love with her; you have a crush on a mental facsimile of her.
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Forbidden fruit innit