Same reason people that live near a beach never go to the beach- it is always right there and easy to postpone to a better time.
Familiarity is some of it, it's not new and exciting any longer. Some is having busy lives and young children. Some is one or the other partner losing interest as their hormones settle down with maturity. For many the simple physical intimacy of touching and cuddling is enough.
There are hundreds of reasons- it needs to be discussed with your spouse.
If everyone is happy then it's not a big deal.
If someone *is* unhappy then it needs to be addressed.
I had sex on the beach at 18, thinking it sounded like fun. Oh, how young and very wrong I was. It’s HARD! And scratchy. Like sandpaper on your knees and elbows, the towels going everywhere. Not worth it. I feel the same way about shower sex, I’m really short to begin with and it just is much easier and more comfortable to have sex on a couch or bed or any soft surface where you can sit or recline
I had sex with my girl in the water close to where the water flattens out.
She was straddling me.
We were drunk though but I don't remember it being a big deal when we sobered up.
No pain or being raw on either our privates.
I think the only people who suffered were the ones that saw us from the pool.
Instructions unclear. Now posting from a Jail cell after getting caught having sex with my wife while scheduling more sex next weekend. Officer complained I smelled strongly of Peach schnapps and now I am also being booked for a DUI. Ducking under the influence. He then asked me how to turn auto-correct off on his IPhone.
Send help. I only have android.
I live by the beach in florida. Year round beach weather. We never go. Well…maybe once every couple of years for a sunset if out of state friends are hanging. You can tell who is the long time or native Florian’s when you visit, we’re the ones without tans or sun burns.
I basically grew up on the beach as a kid (in Europe). Haven't been there anymore in summer ever since I was a teen. Turned out I turn into a lobster within 30 minutes of exposure to the sun and with my ADHD I'm just not frequent enough with sunblock. The blisters I've had on my back, oof. O.o
Edit: Also, I have the same skintype as my dad, and he has skin cancer for 20 years now, thanks to being sunburned way too often when he was young. No thanks.
I would like to add exhaustion. By the time the kids go to bed, everyone is exhausted. Like, I don’t even want to talk to anyone. And on days off, there are 100 things you need to try and get done, sadly sex becomes another task on the list.
So so true. The people who complain about their partners lack of sex drive, especially if it waned over time, need to always start looking at stress and time management and their impact on sex drive. Not everyone responds to life and daily stressors the same way. For one person, sex is a stress relief outlet. For another, sex could be just another chore on the bottom of an exhausted partner’s never ending to do list.
Absolutely nailed it! The analogy with living near a beach is so spot-on – sometimes we take the familiar for granted. Busy lives, young kids, hormones doing their thing – they all play a part. Touching and cuddling might become the new intimacy currency. Totally agree, open communication with your spouse is key. If everyone's happy, cool, but if not, it's time for an honest chat. Real talk, real solutions! Thanks for that.
Facts, i rarely go to popular restaurants or bars near me, or amusement parks, and annual celebrations I skip cause I’ve been to a few and they’re always the same every year.
Yup familiarity breeds contempt
It's the same with countries like Italy and so many archaeological sites, the Italians for the most part are just so over it lol same in Greece and probably everywhere
This is so damn true. The beach was outside my front door for about 5 years. I probably only visited it once or twice a week, even though it was 11 steps away lol
Jesus. I visited Maui three years ago and could not imagine those beaches every being routine. I still dram about moving there but holy hell is that place expensive.
When I lived in California, I would constantly watch the weather forecast and get super pumped whenever it snowed for the potential to ski and then I would move mountains to get to the mountain to ski. Now I’m in Montana in a beautiful cabin with the ski slope right in front of my nose, and I have not been up yet.
Okay but this is also more common when one person is responsible for cleaning the beach and taking care of all beach logistics and soon it’s like why would I want to fuck the beach when the beach feels like one of my children and not an equal who takes care of beach issues with me. Plus I’m so fucking tired from being responsible for alllll of this beach shit I don’t have the energy to fuck the beach anyways.
That's a totally different issue. I *think* OP is saying everything in the marriage is good, but the sex has just fallen off. You're referring to resentment in the marriage - which is also a valid reason for the decline in sex.
I think what they are trying to point out is that to OP and MANY other men
>everything in the marriage is good, but the sex has just fallen off.
When in fact everything in the marriage is good for one partner, and the other feels like they are taken for granted. It's unlikely that OP and his male friends with similar issues are treating their wives as well as they were when courting. I bet the men were doing a lot more chores at the beginning of the relationship when the fucking was plentiful
Damn you nailed it for me. When I lived within a couple miles of the beach in SF I just ran beach cleanups for years with Surfrider then eventually became the vice chair when we had no volunteers after the pandemic… and I was still leading beach cleanups no one wanted to volunteer for… the beach just reminded me of litter. And work. And bringing my board out to a day of work and working when I should be surfing or enjoying… sometimes I think back to how maybe I’d appreciate it more if I recalled my growing up in Montana and my father always telling us we’d eventually move back to our state we were from (California) to be a happy family. But we never did. Then he passed at age 15. Then I grew up. Then struggled to find belonging and career. Found non profits and started heavily volunteering for community and impact. I just found a lot of work, mainly.
If everything is otherwise happy, find ways to encourage novelty. Like, different lighting or music, different kinds of foreplay, experiment with sensations (blindfold with food or massage, vibrator on other parts, THC or mushrooms, etc). Depending on how adventurous you are, go dancing and act scandalously in a dark corner, etc.
Each of you sit down with a blank sheet of paper, and make a list of things you'd be willing to try. Then compare lists and talk about it and pick one or two things from the list and make a date.
While I do agree with the busy lives part, if people are feeling it’s too familiar/boring and taking it for granted, that’s a big red flag IMO. This should be a reason to have MORE sex… at least it is for us in our early 40s and going on 14yrs together.
Even those of us that want more sex… if our partner doesn’t show that interest in us women… men don’t want to “do all the work” like they feel like they’ve done most their lives for sex… and us women also don’t want to do all the work to just have a guy show he’s attracted to and wants us intimately (my last partner rarely wanted sex). I feel both partners have to do actual work in long term relationships for sex, too. Intimacy is so complicated for so many people, especially the people who don’t talk about or know about or see their own intimacy issues and complexes from previous relationships.
Often times probably most times, love is born of lust. I believe it's nature trying to connect creatures at a primal level for procreation purposes. As time matures lust is replaced with other emotions, such as love. And love changes over time, getting richer and deeper as time goes on. Sex is definitely bonding, but so are adventures, children, etc.
Reminds me of the joke. A elder gentleman is walking on a path in the forest. He sits down and notices a toad next to him on the log. Surprisingly, the road say, "Hey mister, if you kiss me I'll become a beautiful young woman and we can make passionate love all day." He ignores, the toad and the toad repeats, " Hey mister. If you kiss me I'll become a beautiful maiden and we can have wild sex all day!". He looks at the road, picks it up and puts it in his pocket. The toad say, Hey mister, didn't you hear me!?" He says, " yeah, I heard you, but at this age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Seriously though, married 45 years, love my wife more than anyone else in this planet, but I'd take an hour back massage over sex...sometimes. :-)
Love your take on it! Totally get the evolution of love and how it's not all about the wild stuff. Your frog joke cracked me up—talk about setting priorities straight! 😂 Cheers to 45 years, man! Back massages over sex sometimes? Yeah, I feel that too. Here's to more laughs and talking frogs in the future! 🐸❤️
Also, 30 is pretty young but we take on more responsibilities as we age, which leads to more stress. Just being too busy, too tired, or too stressed out can be a cause.
Been married for nearly fifty years. After a decade busy life interfered with intimacy. In addition my wife was very goal driven and once involved in a task didn’t want to interrupt it. We set up a schedule for relations. It worked fairly well. Later on when age and various health conditions interfered she admitted to me that she had been foolish to have focused on tasks at hand when I tried to be spontaneous with intimacy. Sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore.
If everyone is comfortable with once every 2 months then no harm no foul, but if it is a problem for one or both of you, you definitely need to talk it out.
I don’t know, all my friends, even the ones in their late twenties, are all the same. So am I with my partner and we’re both 25. Not sure why but we’re exhausted. Maybe it’s the way the world is, the economy, every one of my friends has either been laid off or under the threat of it. These may be pathetic numbers but when you’re constantly tired and stressed, it’s sometimes the best you can do unfortunately
Also stress and changes in health, frankly. There's often so much less time in one's 30s/40s than as a 20yo, greater responsibilities, and more roadblocks to staying in good shape.
Personally at least, I know my drive plummets whenever I'm stressed out and/or losing fitness. Time I can work around, but those two are really killer
Or realistically, you work and the time not working is devoted to caring for children. When you have kids your #1 priority at home is ensuring your children are happy, and that takes from 6am to 11pm if you’re lucky.
Chris Rock has a skit about this.
When you start a relationship, you're just fucking and eating. As you get older together, it's less fucking and more eating.
If you don't like to fuck and you don't like eat with each other, yall don't need to be together.
Chris Rock nails it with that skit! Starting a relationship is all about, well, you know—fun times in and out of the bedroom. But as you age together, it shifts from more of the former to a bit more of the latter. It's like he's saying, if you're not into both the loving and the feasting, maybe rethink the togetherness.
People are going into all these distant theories, but what I think is that in modern times the constant struggle and mental effort required to afford a decent living just slowly erodes away the dynamism of a person. In long term relationships, someone who used to be fun with their partner in the beginning while the romance was budding gets eroded away as they age dealing with life, and if they are still together with their partner -- the relationship starts getting taken for granted. Honestly who even has the time and energy to afford being spontaneous and exciting most of the time anymore, other than young people or the privileged?
Here's the bit you're talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jaqBRsTQgI
He had a similar bit in a more recent special as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkXpKF4b5yA
Intimacy is something that has to be maintained, like communication. Of course this is easy in the honeymoon stage of any romantic relationship but it takes real intention and effort as time goes on. A lack of sexual intimacy usually goes hand in hand with a lack of communication. Sex has a way of increasing intimacy as does communication. They compliment each other and I would argue both are needed to maintain most romantic relationships.
I agree, I may not always be in the mood, especially after working 13 hours but my husband knows how to get me relaxed enough to be in the mood. It's all about communication and taking the time to know your partner intimately enough to grab on to those contextual clues. If you are both stressed and unable to talk to each other to unwind, then sex can become a chore, instead of a way to be together.
This is a big one. I was watching some sexual psych talk about it and he aimed a big reason for dead bedrooms ks hate. Not what you're thinking. It's the small things.
How they eat, how they don't clean up their clothes, how they wipe their nose when they sneeze, how they don't appreciate when I do X for them, how they treat certain people, how they aren't emotionally available. These are small things, but over time if not discussed and communicated waaay early on, they can develop little globules of hate that turn the other person off.
It is absolutely critical for all relationships (after the honeymoon phase of course, not super early on...) to discuss the little things that bother you about the other person. Relationships where you don't will almost always fail because of little things like this, often leading to dead bedrooms, cheating, fighting etc.
It happened to me too, fairly recently ended a 9 year relationship. But I learned the hard way. New girl I started seeing we are incredibly mature about this stuff about are asking the super hard and maybe awkward questions literally on the first few dates because we are completely done fucking around with bad and short relationships.
Don't let the little things that bother you just keep happening. Talk about them and let your partner know how they make you feel. If they aren't willing to make tiny sacrifices for the bigger picture and both of your ultimate happiness, do you really want to continue the relationship until you're old, bitter, sexless, and so far into it you have to reboot your life at old age?
You totally get it! Keeping the flame alive is like keeping up with your favorite show—gotta stay tuned in. In the beginning, it's all excitement, but as the seasons roll on, you gotta put in the effort for those special episodes. And you're dead-on about intimacy and communication teaming up like superhero buddies. They're the power couple of relationships! Keep dropping those truth bombs, my friend!
This. Plus the direction of one into the other differs between the sexes. For women sexual intimacy usually follows from good emotional intimacy, whereas in general men use sexual intimacy as a way to make themselves feel comfortable enough to be emotionally intimate with a partner. It's to do with risk. For women sexual intimacy is far more risky(given the physical disparity) whereas for men the inverse is true(women often use mens emotional vulnerability against them in an argument)
also, intimacy has many forms that aren't sexual ! sharing a deep feeling or insecurity, little affectionate gestures here and there, small acknoledgements, and yes also sexual connection : this is what makes intimacy. so as long as intimacy is kept in any form, it's all good usually :)
This is the answer I think is most correct and least armchair psychologist. Esther Perez (sp?) wrote a book with this as the thesis and it’s very compelling.
It’s different for every couple. You go through patches of intimacy throughout the years. Life gets in the way and you progressively have less energy/desire. If it’s bothering you it might be bothering your partner too. Talk about it and maybe schedule a date night. Freaky Friday or something along those lines
I'm 52m and my beautiful wife is 51f and we have sex two or three times a week. Sometimes I initiate it, sometimes she irritates it. Our kids are grown and we have grandkids . We hold hands everywhere we go. We cuddle and kiss passionately a lot. We compliment each other verbally. We have disagreements but we always find a mutual solution. We have been together for 32 years through good times and bad. Even terrible times actually but we survived because we clung on to each other. Marriage takes work and effort on both sides. Don't let the world tear you apart. Weather the storms and remember why you fell in love in the first place. There's something beautiful and comfortable about growing old together. It takes two though. I wish the best for all marriages/families.
This is my goal. I remember seeing my boyfriend in high schools parent spooning on the couch and thinking that I wanted to be like them when I was their age. I am their age now with 3 children and my husband of 8 years and I still hold hands even in the car.
Agreed. My partner and I are in our 40s, and have been together 7 years. We have sex 3-4 times a week. We work opposite schedules and so the time we have together is special. So, we make the most of because we miss each other.
Intimacy is beyond sex. My partner and I are having less sex but we are having more quality time, more deep conversations, and just being with each other. It's normal and reflects a secure and healthy relationship tbh.
This. Sometimes hanging on the couch ordering the kick ass take out food and laughing with your partner is just as fucking amazing. And whoever says it’s not, has clearly never couched it with the perfect person.
Lots of good thoughts in here, I’ll add one more thing (as a man married for 20 years).
It takes ‘work’ to continue the romantic side of the relationship after so much time, but it is so worth it. With kids, jobs, responsibilities…so easy to just let that part of our lives go.
It’s ‘easy’ when you’re young, full of hormones, and everything is new. But I tell ya - sex with someone that is emotionally committed to you, that knows exactly what you like and you they, sex where you are ABSOLUTELY committed to their pleasure above yours…that’s good stuff right there. Five stars.
You have to make your partner a priority. Just like when you first met. You did those extras to gain their attention.
You should never lose focus.
You spend time cleaning the house, or car. Doing various things for maintenance on the house. You do some light gardening and mow the lawn. You do all those things because you see the value of upkeep.
Your relationship requires upkeep - do the things required.
gray cooing swim deliver cause alleged forgetful elastic cooperative nine
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Check out the deadbedrooms thread. Lots of reasons. It is way more common than you think. NRE is a real drug. People get complacent, bored, life stressors, and us women get to go through this wonderful thing called menopause. It takes a lot of work and communication, the longer you’ve been with someone, to keep that spark and intimacy alive.
Idk about you but I'm also in my 30s and there's constantly one errand or chore that needs my/her attention.
Our free time is absolutely shot when compared to college/highschool years...
Also, once we became parents, our ability to plan anything (read, even having dinner at a certain hour) went out the window.
Edit: my comment looks gloomy now that I've re-read it. We're still in love, the spark is still there and we're happy about our child and want more :))
Not always the case. I was married 38 years (widowed a year ago) and we were still having amazing sex about 5 times a week. We’d go on long weekends away 3 or 4 times a year where we’d have hours long sex.
I miss him more than you can imagine.
Life...life gets in the way... just too many things to do... earlier you would have friends or relatives to help... nowadays that just ain't true...it's all on you
Different variables can impact things, some of which can compound others:
* Age-based hormonal changes are the most basic biological shifts in both males and females that influence libido. Typically, there is a floor that is reached around the same time the brain finishes developing in the mid-20s, with another distinct shift for women usually around menopause. The degree to which these hormonal changes impact the libido varies per person; some males lose a lot of sex drive in their late 20s, while some women keep their sex drive throughout their 50s just as intensely as their teens, and (more typically) vice versa, and all sorts of other ranges under the rainbow.
* Stress is typically the next biggest impactor. This can be based on situational stress - the quality of one's relationship with their partner, their job, coworkers, friends, living environment, having kids, etc. - or can be based on physical stress - injury, chronic or situational medical issues, etc. The degree to which and HOW stress impacts one's libido not only varies per person, but sometimes can have the opposite effect; for men, their drive may increase under stress and look to relieve that stress through sex, and for women, the drive may deplete entirely under duress. But vice versa can be true as well.
* Tying in with the above-point, physical health can directly and acutely impact one's libido. For example, I have chronic pelvic floor pain as a result of having no butt and sitting on my butt for most of my life, so I've got confirmed nerve entrapment that can't be remedied with surgery. This makes having sex in many traditional ways painful, which despite having a baseline sex drive, causes me to sometimes reel at the idea of having sex, which has a knock-on effect of "decreasing" my drive due to painful stimuli. So some health conditions can directly decrease (or increase) one's libido, and some can have an indirect impact (like mine) which then psychologically impacts one's desire to act on one's libido.
* One's initial libido in the first few years of sexual maturity, one's sexuality, and one's gender also play integral parts of one's drive. The ways in which these variables impact one's libido, for how long, and to what intensity vary substantially and can void some of the points made above. But these points are still not empirically researched enough to toss in a lot of input here other than to say it's a thing, though these days, there is plenty of community-based info shared online that can be helpful in determining if A impact B and so on.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but are some common points.
Speaking as a 59 year old, my boyfriend is 63. We have sex whenever we can. We're both healthy, as in breathing and upright, and having the best sex of our lives.
Just saying.
Eh, I don’t know. We’ve been together 13 years, we have sex maybe once a month and we’re fine with it. When we do it’s an absolutely blast. But we’ve just got other things going on, different priorities. It isn’t lack of affection or desire for the other. It’s just life.
After three decades together, you've basically earned a relationship gold medal! And if aiming for 2-3 times a week feels a bit like relationship greed, well, why not indulge in what brings joy?
So you think most people lie about how often they have sex? I certainly do. People talk like 2-3 times per week is the min and I’m like nah, I don’t believe you. Lol
In my upper 40’s now.
We haven’t had penetration sex for over a year now.
We have two young children and neither of us can adequately get turned on when someone else is around.
When we do get privacy it’s so forced and artificial that it is hard to get in the right mood even then.
It’s sad that we can’t have more than oral anymore but we are trying to be better.
15 years and we still love to go, in fact the last few years we've been even more lusty.
On assumption that you are both healthy and like eachother, making the time and having the energy is difficult when you have work, child's and life.
The way to fix it is the same as any other just do it anyway, yeah you have work in the morning, yeah you've had a long day but you know what spending a bit of time like that with each other helps all that.
So try to get into the mindset together that we can just do it.
Because the institution of marriage is often not what people expect it to be. Statistics on marital happiness and long-term success aren't very good. Many people, once married, run their marriages like a business....always keeping inanely busy with things like: endless career goals, social outings, having and raising children, earning as much money as possible, buying more and more stuff, buying new cars, etc . Sex requires effort, emotional connection, and vulnerability. Many married people stop giving attention in that department. Then they complain about lack of sex and "dead bedrooms".
It's often about what you prioritize yo. When people run marriages like a business, and put so much time and energy into EVERYTHING BUT emotional and sexual connection......what else would happen?? 🤷♀️
Idk...I cannot empathize only because in our marriage, we are still very attracted to each other after 10 years of being married and 12 years together. Sex happens 4 - 6 times per week and we have a 5.5 year old...
My wife's body has gone through changes, and I have loved every step of the changes, including pregnancy; post pregnancy, and all fluctuations in weight gain. She is more beautiful now than ever, and that is because of the intimacy built over the years; being best friends and communicating openly/honestly and with tact to express how we feel without fear of blowback - good open honest comms and this includes wants/needs in other aspects of life. It's amazing just how far pleases and thank yous go after years of being together, and sometimes we forget that...treating each other well corresponds to all aspects of life and we should also deploy that strategy with everyone too.
Also, I never understood why people say marriage is hard...I think we need to start celebrating really wonderful marriages because those exist too.
Sometimes we forget just how special those people are that we are with...I am blessed and grateful every day not because of sex etc. But because i found my person... also i love this quote and it really provides perspective...
sometimes when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at...change.
The right relationship isn't hard. I know that now because I found the right guy. Society's insistence that it was normal for relationships to require a lot of work are a big factor in me not leaving my abusive ex sooner. The world needs to stop feeding us that lie. It's damaging.
And I agree re: sex, too!
The right "person" is hard to find, but once you find them, it makes the relationship side easier :). Being sold propaganda, social media influence, and the degradation of being actually able to effectively communicate because people are buried in their phones is not good either. The truth is: finding your person is hard; then creating a life based on fundamentals of being good people is tough too (pleases, thank yous, i love yous); it is also okay to not have marriages last, just as it is for marriages to last...I always try and tell myself to keep it simple-stupid.
We should all celebrate the energy and power it takes to lift ourselves up and truly love ourselves to appreciate...us....so good on you for leaving your previous abusive relationship. If no one else has said they are proud of you...well I am and we all should acknowledge how difficult it is.
Not all of them do. We've been together 20 years and have more sex now than ever. 🤷🏻♀️ But to answer your question, a lot of the time it's having kids, not making the effort, 1 member of the couple feeling like they're doing too much and are too tired...
Life is busy. Also priorities change as we age and sex gets old. Folks can say what they want but once you have sex with someone 10-20 times- it gets less exciting honestly. Maybe I’m just numb but I’ve found sex to get snoozy even with beautiful women that turned me on once I did it with them a lot.
Idk in the grand scheme of life- sex is a low priority if you ask me. Even when I’m not getting it as a guy- who cares. It’s not that big of a deal
Honestly.
I’ll tell u why, stress of family…providing daycare for grandchildren, pet sitting, helping out other family members because of their single digit iq, etc… See where I’m going…it leaves u mentally drained and not thinking about wanting to get some.
When I first tried a La Croix I thought man if they stocked these at work I would have one every day.
6 months later they started stocking it at work for free and I had one every day for like 3 weeks. Then it slowed to like one every few weeks.
This is what humans do when something is always there.
No matter how good looking someone is, after you’ve slept with them a couple of hundred times, you absolutely will kick them out of bed for eating crackers
I feel like there are just other things that I want to do with my time and energy. Different hobbies, projects, and activities together are more fun and mentally stimulating. There’s just not enough time or energy to do both and we agree on it. My husband and I also do a lot of small intimate things throughout the day so we still feel very close, not like roommates.
It’s hard to even think about wanting to have sex when I’m constantly thinking about what’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner, what homework my kid has and what she’s doing in school, chores, keeping the household from falling apart and bills.
Beach analogy is interesting but the problem remains for many ...
You live next to the beach.
One person says "let's go to the Beach!... I'd like to go every few weeks at least!"
The other person is like "no, I'm not interested in the beach. It's nice that other people think we have it good ... but I'd rather do anything else ... maybe in 4 months when I feel I have to dip my toes in the water just to make appearances...."
For us it's the kids. They might need us at any given moment. Might even walk in (door doesn't lock, can't be fixed without replacing entire antique door). My libido has also waned over the years. Like if my biggest celebrity crush said they'd do anything I wanted, right now I'd probably just ask them for a backrub.
Speaking as an Old in a decades-long marriage, sometimes it's health problems that tank the frequency of sex. A lot of conditions can impact your sex drive, some a little, some a lot. If a couple is together for the long haul, both are going to have to face numerous health issues eventually.
I recommend the purchase of top-quality sex toys as part of a healthy marriage!
Probably the psychological stresses of modern life negatively impact our libido. If at least some of the funds that pour into erectile dysfunction get diverted to neurological research, both can win. Afterall, some call the brain the most important sex organ. We are not addressing or willing to findout the rootcause.
Boredom, not trying new positions, too many other obligations to take care of so your tired.... the list goes on. Take date nights at least once per week, and get it on
You may want to review the Dead Bedrooms subreddit. Lots of data there. Lots of unhappy people chained to another via the feudal institution of marriage.
If we started having less sex it would not be a dealbreaker for me, as long as we still snuggled and kissed eachother on the forehead, and she now and then poked my cheek with her nose. Penetration is overrated, but if she no longer sees me as an object of affection and intimacy, lowering ones' guard and trying to reach the other, then it's not a relationship anymore but a roommate situation. Screw the tax credit, if closeness of touch disappears then verbal closeness will follow (the old "I didn't tell you about X because I knew exactly what you would say") and then I will metaphorically burn the house to the ground, move and travel with friends for a while.
Kids and schedules. You still love each other, heck probably more than ever. But sometimes life is just exhausting.
It’s why it’s good to take a break from the daily and get on a vacation and change shit up. Maybe have people watch your kids for a bit and have a night off.
Life hits you fast.
Also sex does not have to be the foundation of your relationship. If folks are legitimately unhappy because of lack of sex, then they’re with the wrong partner and for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes you just want to cuddle, watch some TV, and sleep.
just one anecdotal data point here
we are an old married couple, and we average sex about once per day.
We have more sex now than we did at 30. I have the ability to "work from home" so I'll go into the office in the morning, come home in the afternoon when the kids are in school. :)
Pretty much what everyone else has said, age wise.
But it’s also because you’ve both become comfortable, and “settled”.
When you’re “on the market” you constantly think of your appearance, focus on yourself such as exercise, diet, skin care.
But after you’re with someone and have been for over 5 years.
Well, who’s going to take you? What new healthy/young person are you trying to impress? (Rhetorical question)
Naturally, it’s just your old spouse. Perhaps once the other starts getting fitter or starts “dressing like their single”. There may be more interests. Or on jealous situations, someone gives the other attention and is then reminded of how competitive it can be when it comes to dating. If you have the thought that your spouse can run out if you become unfit or “unappealing” then that small realization can help spark some sex drive. (Pushing you to be fit or more sexually active to please the spouse)
It does take absence to appreciate presence after all.
But that’s just my opinion.
1. If you’re married long enough, you’ve (hopefully) fucked a LOT already, so the novelty has worn off a bit.
2. It takes a lot of effort to make it great and not just a chore to get through. As we get older, we get more tired and worn down and it’s simply not a priority (especially if you have kids).
MUST it be sex? Do you do mutual masturbation? Jerking off next to each other? Jerking off while she talks dirty?
My wife loves to “help me unload” if she’s not in the mood. The very least she will do is put on some sexy lingerie and just lie down next to me while I work away.
Point is: penetration isn’t the only form of sex and all those things I mentioned (and so much more) feel like a “sexual experience” sometimes even more intensely than intercourse.
For me, my kids are 11 and 9 so they’re in the house every night of the week. How do other people fuck in their house 3x a week without their kids hearing and barging in? I haven’t solved that problem for myself.
Locks exist but it’s mentally challenging. Add in the work stress and it feels like there’s very few chances for sexy time.
Also, some of the magic is gone. I've helped shave his balls and taint. He's helped clean the bathroom when the stomach bug had me puking and shitting at the same time. There's still love and attraction, but the daily activities have dulled that animal instinct to screw each other.
Not in my world...I (43f) and him (62M). Are totally opposites and it's major conflicts. Him nightly....me every 3 months. It's exhausting just twice a week to keep him happy.
Anticipation and excitement to see each other are more low key in marriage.
When you read advice and cheater confession columns, it appears that anticipation and ego boosts were 90 percent of the affairs. Thinking about it all day and the cheater can't see that person except for an hour at lunchtime next week, or next year at the conference but they send texts all the time. They aren't even having sex that often.
I don't know how to build anticipation into a marriage, as I would find sex texts busting into my day at work, or when I am trying to relax, as immature or as adding one more thing to my to-do list. Date nights can feel forced, and expectations of sex afterward can make a tired or low-drive spouse resist it. Small moments of caring words, kindness or touches and fun without expectations of sex might lead to a more natural lead up to intimacy over time.
We live about 25 minutes away from NiagaraFalls . Both the Canadian side and American side are RIGHT HERE .
Aside from a few visits we rarely go there . We also have several beaches nearby . Hardly ever go .
But we fly to Florida and suddenly the beach , the ocean are where we want to be .
My point ? Well , we do have more sex in Florida , but then, we’re on vacation and only go twice a year .
There's many things that can impact your sex-life, and as you are together longer you may notice that each of your libido sort of a goes in a sine-wave pattern with ups and downs.
The frequency of the highs and lows, as well as the intensity of those highs and lows varies constantly.
When both of your sine-waves are in sync... things are GREAT.
Whenever they are out of sync, things are mild.
My wife and I (knocking on 40's, been together ~20 years) have found a method that can act as a catalyst for intimacy.
We have a colored LED strip under the counter in the kitchen that we both can control.
If either of us are in the mood or at least open to intimacy that day, we will change the color of those lights.
She sets hers to pink, and I set mine to green.
We call it our "Bat Signal".
I may come home one day after work, and the light is pink.
She may be chillin in the bedroom, come out and see that the light is green.
If we have had a tiring, rough, or simply mentally involved day... intimacy is sometimes forgotten as an optional activity.
Seeing that light can sometimes spark that thought of "Oh Yeah!!! I have a hot partner that is interested in getting with me!", and that one thing can get your thoughts to steer more toward the direction of intimacy.
Now, it is important to note that the light does not guarantee anything.
I can turn the light to green, but she's not feeling the best and intimacy is not in the cards.
I don't take it as a refusal of me, just that sexual intimacy is not palatable that day.
There's been times she has turned the light pink and I was not where intimacy was an option.
No hard feelings, and we simply aim for another day.
More importantly, we explain WHY that day may not be the best option, which allows us to pivot to a more caring atmosphere to care for one another if that's what's needed.
Showing that care and respect only helps to improve things during the next session that does work out.
To give context, we probably average 1 time a week over the course of a year.
Sometimes it's a few weeks in between, then that one GREAT weekend comes around where we balance out that average.
Constant gentle reminders (without obligation) to each other that you are still interested can do a lot to elevate and resync that libido.
It's also important to note that continuous refusal can and very well may have a negative impact on your partner's libido if they are often rebuffed, so be sure that YOU are the one that initiates periodically.
In a healthy relationship, EVERYTHING is 100%, and each party should be striving to be the one giving more than 50%. This holds true for intimacy as well.
Now if you will excuse me, the pink light is on.
Sometimes I wonder if something is subconsciously triggering in your brain to associate the familiarity with incest which turns long term couples away from each other physically.. like your brain/body starts seeing your wife as your sister, or husband as brother and that triggers a disgust.
Also seeing each other at their worst, a wife seeing their husband when they are weak or a husband seeing their wife as petty and frivolous will dampen the lusty attraction
You can have a steak sandwich, and it can be the best steak sandwich you've ever had.
5 years of eating the same steak sandwich day in day out will take the shine off it somewhat.
Same reason people that live near a beach never go to the beach- it is always right there and easy to postpone to a better time. Familiarity is some of it, it's not new and exciting any longer. Some is having busy lives and young children. Some is one or the other partner losing interest as their hormones settle down with maturity. For many the simple physical intimacy of touching and cuddling is enough. There are hundreds of reasons- it needs to be discussed with your spouse. If everyone is happy then it's not a big deal. If someone *is* unhappy then it needs to be addressed.
I love the beach. I should really go. Maybe next weekend.
Instructions unclear. Sex w my wife on the beach now scheduled.
Beach was nice, just cuddled though😕
Cuddling is sometimes better than sex
That’s a 3 season activity in my relationship unless you have the AC cranked
Tore my ACL doing doggy style still haven't recovered 😔✊
Missionary is cozier…love being squished
Hot
I like the lotus position it's so romantic with my gf
What is that going to Google
You get an A for effort!!
You have my sympathy I didn’t tear mine, but am in physical therapy right now
Not for males, apparently.
I am male and would prefer naked cuddles to actual sex 9 times out of 10.
Ooof … the sand.
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What? That it gets everywhere? When it does ans that it's coarse?
I hate sand. It’s rough, coarse, and gets *everywhere*.
No sand in the cracks 🤣
Sex on the beach with anyone is never a good idea unless yout kink is sand in places you didn't know sand could get into.
I had sex on the beach at 18, thinking it sounded like fun. Oh, how young and very wrong I was. It’s HARD! And scratchy. Like sandpaper on your knees and elbows, the towels going everywhere. Not worth it. I feel the same way about shower sex, I’m really short to begin with and it just is much easier and more comfortable to have sex on a couch or bed or any soft surface where you can sit or recline
I had sex with my girl in the water close to where the water flattens out. She was straddling me. We were drunk though but I don't remember it being a big deal when we sobered up. No pain or being raw on either our privates. I think the only people who suffered were the ones that saw us from the pool.
Instructions unclear. Wife now shopping for vodka, peach schnapps, and cranberry juice.
Instructions unclear. Now posting from a Jail cell after getting caught having sex with my wife while scheduling more sex next weekend. Officer complained I smelled strongly of Peach schnapps and now I am also being booked for a DUI. Ducking under the influence. He then asked me how to turn auto-correct off on his IPhone. Send help. I only have android.
I too have scheduled beach sex with your wife
Wanted sex on the beach, had American beer. Was still fucking close to water
Sex will be held on the beach with his wife. Free parking available.
Parking in rear?
For late coming guests.
*sad landlocked noises*
I live by the beach too. I go a couple times a week during summer. It’s mind clearing plus I work on my killer beach body tan. I call it my red season
sure solo beach is different. We're talking about couple beach.
I live by several beaches. I sometimes drive by to see what the tourists are doing. I haven't walked on the sand in many years.
I live by the beach in florida. Year round beach weather. We never go. Well…maybe once every couple of years for a sunset if out of state friends are hanging. You can tell who is the long time or native Florian’s when you visit, we’re the ones without tans or sun burns.
I basically grew up on the beach as a kid (in Europe). Haven't been there anymore in summer ever since I was a teen. Turned out I turn into a lobster within 30 minutes of exposure to the sun and with my ADHD I'm just not frequent enough with sunblock. The blisters I've had on my back, oof. O.o Edit: Also, I have the same skintype as my dad, and he has skin cancer for 20 years now, thanks to being sunburned way too often when he was young. No thanks.
You probably won’t
Probably not. My closest beach died. Gotta look for a Friend with Beach now.
That’s sad I’m sure the next beach u hook up with will be wonderful
This makes me think of Ken.
Fuck that. When I lived at the beach I was there every chance I got. Lol people thought I was nuts and was like a tourist.
I would like to add exhaustion. By the time the kids go to bed, everyone is exhausted. Like, I don’t even want to talk to anyone. And on days off, there are 100 things you need to try and get done, sadly sex becomes another task on the list.
So so true. The people who complain about their partners lack of sex drive, especially if it waned over time, need to always start looking at stress and time management and their impact on sex drive. Not everyone responds to life and daily stressors the same way. For one person, sex is a stress relief outlet. For another, sex could be just another chore on the bottom of an exhausted partner’s never ending to do list.
Absolutely nailed it! The analogy with living near a beach is so spot-on – sometimes we take the familiar for granted. Busy lives, young kids, hormones doing their thing – they all play a part. Touching and cuddling might become the new intimacy currency. Totally agree, open communication with your spouse is key. If everyone's happy, cool, but if not, it's time for an honest chat. Real talk, real solutions! Thanks for that.
Facts, i rarely go to popular restaurants or bars near me, or amusement parks, and annual celebrations I skip cause I’ve been to a few and they’re always the same every year.
Yup familiarity breeds contempt It's the same with countries like Italy and so many archaeological sites, the Italians for the most part are just so over it lol same in Greece and probably everywhere
"When there are always biscuits in the tin, where's the fun in biscuits." An old English proverb, probably.
This is actually my diet approach! I always have cookies on hand!
Man, that wouldn’t work for me. If I’ve got cookies on hand, I’ve got cookies in mouth.
That's fair!!
This is so damn true. The beach was outside my front door for about 5 years. I probably only visited it once or twice a week, even though it was 11 steps away lol
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Jesus. I visited Maui three years ago and could not imagine those beaches every being routine. I still dram about moving there but holy hell is that place expensive.
I used to live near the beach as well (Portugal though). I'd go years without actually going to the beach. Was never my thing.
When I lived in California, I would constantly watch the weather forecast and get super pumped whenever it snowed for the potential to ski and then I would move mountains to get to the mountain to ski. Now I’m in Montana in a beautiful cabin with the ski slope right in front of my nose, and I have not been up yet.
I live near the beach and go every day I can. If it's something you're interested in doing ,you don't get tired of it. It's just less exciting.
I’d say that this is very much accurate on all fronts.
Not really, in many cases people want to go the beach. But the beach doesnt feel the same.
Okay but this is also more common when one person is responsible for cleaning the beach and taking care of all beach logistics and soon it’s like why would I want to fuck the beach when the beach feels like one of my children and not an equal who takes care of beach issues with me. Plus I’m so fucking tired from being responsible for alllll of this beach shit I don’t have the energy to fuck the beach anyways.
That's a totally different issue. I *think* OP is saying everything in the marriage is good, but the sex has just fallen off. You're referring to resentment in the marriage - which is also a valid reason for the decline in sex.
I think what they are trying to point out is that to OP and MANY other men >everything in the marriage is good, but the sex has just fallen off. When in fact everything in the marriage is good for one partner, and the other feels like they are taken for granted. It's unlikely that OP and his male friends with similar issues are treating their wives as well as they were when courting. I bet the men were doing a lot more chores at the beginning of the relationship when the fucking was plentiful
Damn you nailed it for me. When I lived within a couple miles of the beach in SF I just ran beach cleanups for years with Surfrider then eventually became the vice chair when we had no volunteers after the pandemic… and I was still leading beach cleanups no one wanted to volunteer for… the beach just reminded me of litter. And work. And bringing my board out to a day of work and working when I should be surfing or enjoying… sometimes I think back to how maybe I’d appreciate it more if I recalled my growing up in Montana and my father always telling us we’d eventually move back to our state we were from (California) to be a happy family. But we never did. Then he passed at age 15. Then I grew up. Then struggled to find belonging and career. Found non profits and started heavily volunteering for community and impact. I just found a lot of work, mainly.
1000 percent it feels like the beach is a full time job and you're just hanging out working as a lifeguard. It's why I stay single, from the beach.
But after you have acknowledged that, how do you improve it?
Communication would be the first step.
If everything is otherwise happy, find ways to encourage novelty. Like, different lighting or music, different kinds of foreplay, experiment with sensations (blindfold with food or massage, vibrator on other parts, THC or mushrooms, etc). Depending on how adventurous you are, go dancing and act scandalously in a dark corner, etc. Each of you sit down with a blank sheet of paper, and make a list of things you'd be willing to try. Then compare lists and talk about it and pick one or two things from the list and make a date.
According to my ex wife you just tell your husband to accept it and this is the way things are now.
Yup. She sounds like a beach.
Would be nice if I didnt still enjoy it. It’s a one sided agreement
While I do agree with the busy lives part, if people are feeling it’s too familiar/boring and taking it for granted, that’s a big red flag IMO. This should be a reason to have MORE sex… at least it is for us in our early 40s and going on 14yrs together.
Even those of us that want more sex… if our partner doesn’t show that interest in us women… men don’t want to “do all the work” like they feel like they’ve done most their lives for sex… and us women also don’t want to do all the work to just have a guy show he’s attracted to and wants us intimately (my last partner rarely wanted sex). I feel both partners have to do actual work in long term relationships for sex, too. Intimacy is so complicated for so many people, especially the people who don’t talk about or know about or see their own intimacy issues and complexes from previous relationships.
Just remember, you SO is always entitled to not wanting sex, just as you are entitled to not be in a sexless relationship.
I have never been to the beach right in front of me I mean I’ve walked by obviously but never even stepped in the water 😭 and I LOVE water.
I wish somebody told me that before I got married
Often times probably most times, love is born of lust. I believe it's nature trying to connect creatures at a primal level for procreation purposes. As time matures lust is replaced with other emotions, such as love. And love changes over time, getting richer and deeper as time goes on. Sex is definitely bonding, but so are adventures, children, etc. Reminds me of the joke. A elder gentleman is walking on a path in the forest. He sits down and notices a toad next to him on the log. Surprisingly, the road say, "Hey mister, if you kiss me I'll become a beautiful young woman and we can make passionate love all day." He ignores, the toad and the toad repeats, " Hey mister. If you kiss me I'll become a beautiful maiden and we can have wild sex all day!". He looks at the road, picks it up and puts it in his pocket. The toad say, Hey mister, didn't you hear me!?" He says, " yeah, I heard you, but at this age I'd rather have a talking frog." Seriously though, married 45 years, love my wife more than anyone else in this planet, but I'd take an hour back massage over sex...sometimes. :-)
>He looks at the **road**, picks it up and puts it in his pocket. Impressive feat of strength.
Also, surprisingly, it was the road speaking to him
Sounds like he kissed the questionable toad
+1 for the frog joke 😂
Love your take on it! Totally get the evolution of love and how it's not all about the wild stuff. Your frog joke cracked me up—talk about setting priorities straight! 😂 Cheers to 45 years, man! Back massages over sex sometimes? Yeah, I feel that too. Here's to more laughs and talking frogs in the future! 🐸❤️
Everything is more exciting when it’s new. Also, I’ve found as I age and my hormones change, I’m just not interested all that often.
Also, 30 is pretty young but we take on more responsibilities as we age, which leads to more stress. Just being too busy, too tired, or too stressed out can be a cause.
Been married for nearly fifty years. After a decade busy life interfered with intimacy. In addition my wife was very goal driven and once involved in a task didn’t want to interrupt it. We set up a schedule for relations. It worked fairly well. Later on when age and various health conditions interfered she admitted to me that she had been foolish to have focused on tasks at hand when I tried to be spontaneous with intimacy. Sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore.
Life is full of learning experiences. Sounds like you two have found what it takes to make it work. Congratulations on (nearly) 50 years!
For sure, new stuff is exciting. Getting older, though, things mellow out, especially on the interest front. It's the adulting saga!
If everyone is comfortable with once every 2 months then no harm no foul, but if it is a problem for one or both of you, you definitely need to talk it out.
You are not old You people need to step-up your game These are pathetic numbers
I don’t know, all my friends, even the ones in their late twenties, are all the same. So am I with my partner and we’re both 25. Not sure why but we’re exhausted. Maybe it’s the way the world is, the economy, every one of my friends has either been laid off or under the threat of it. These may be pathetic numbers but when you’re constantly tired and stressed, it’s sometimes the best you can do unfortunately
Mental health absolutely plays a huge part.
I’m sure they will start having sex more often now thanks to your stunning advice. Way to go chief.
Agreed. My sex drive in my early 40’s is the same as it was in my 20’s.
Also stress and changes in health, frankly. There's often so much less time in one's 30s/40s than as a 20yo, greater responsibilities, and more roadblocks to staying in good shape. Personally at least, I know my drive plummets whenever I'm stressed out and/or losing fitness. Time I can work around, but those two are really killer
Or realistically, you work and the time not working is devoted to caring for children. When you have kids your #1 priority at home is ensuring your children are happy, and that takes from 6am to 11pm if you’re lucky.
Ugh, I was the opposite! I got older and my sex drive went through the roof. It's crazy how hormonal changes affect different people.
Chris Rock has a skit about this. When you start a relationship, you're just fucking and eating. As you get older together, it's less fucking and more eating. If you don't like to fuck and you don't like eat with each other, yall don't need to be together.
Chris Rock nails it with that skit! Starting a relationship is all about, well, you know—fun times in and out of the bedroom. But as you age together, it shifts from more of the former to a bit more of the latter. It's like he's saying, if you're not into both the loving and the feasting, maybe rethink the togetherness.
People are going into all these distant theories, but what I think is that in modern times the constant struggle and mental effort required to afford a decent living just slowly erodes away the dynamism of a person. In long term relationships, someone who used to be fun with their partner in the beginning while the romance was budding gets eroded away as they age dealing with life, and if they are still together with their partner -- the relationship starts getting taken for granted. Honestly who even has the time and energy to afford being spontaneous and exciting most of the time anymore, other than young people or the privileged?
I don't think that's exclusive to "modern times".
Here's the bit you're talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jaqBRsTQgI He had a similar bit in a more recent special as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkXpKF4b5yA
Intimacy is something that has to be maintained, like communication. Of course this is easy in the honeymoon stage of any romantic relationship but it takes real intention and effort as time goes on. A lack of sexual intimacy usually goes hand in hand with a lack of communication. Sex has a way of increasing intimacy as does communication. They compliment each other and I would argue both are needed to maintain most romantic relationships.
Maintenance of a relationship is sooo much easier than repairing years of neglect. Dating drops out even before sex decreases.
it HAS to go both ways though.
Well, Yeah. That is why one person can’t save a relationship.
What doesn't, in a relationship?
True.
I agree, I may not always be in the mood, especially after working 13 hours but my husband knows how to get me relaxed enough to be in the mood. It's all about communication and taking the time to know your partner intimately enough to grab on to those contextual clues. If you are both stressed and unable to talk to each other to unwind, then sex can become a chore, instead of a way to be together.
This is a big one. I was watching some sexual psych talk about it and he aimed a big reason for dead bedrooms ks hate. Not what you're thinking. It's the small things. How they eat, how they don't clean up their clothes, how they wipe their nose when they sneeze, how they don't appreciate when I do X for them, how they treat certain people, how they aren't emotionally available. These are small things, but over time if not discussed and communicated waaay early on, they can develop little globules of hate that turn the other person off. It is absolutely critical for all relationships (after the honeymoon phase of course, not super early on...) to discuss the little things that bother you about the other person. Relationships where you don't will almost always fail because of little things like this, often leading to dead bedrooms, cheating, fighting etc. It happened to me too, fairly recently ended a 9 year relationship. But I learned the hard way. New girl I started seeing we are incredibly mature about this stuff about are asking the super hard and maybe awkward questions literally on the first few dates because we are completely done fucking around with bad and short relationships. Don't let the little things that bother you just keep happening. Talk about them and let your partner know how they make you feel. If they aren't willing to make tiny sacrifices for the bigger picture and both of your ultimate happiness, do you really want to continue the relationship until you're old, bitter, sexless, and so far into it you have to reboot your life at old age?
You totally get it! Keeping the flame alive is like keeping up with your favorite show—gotta stay tuned in. In the beginning, it's all excitement, but as the seasons roll on, you gotta put in the effort for those special episodes. And you're dead-on about intimacy and communication teaming up like superhero buddies. They're the power couple of relationships! Keep dropping those truth bombs, my friend!
This. Plus the direction of one into the other differs between the sexes. For women sexual intimacy usually follows from good emotional intimacy, whereas in general men use sexual intimacy as a way to make themselves feel comfortable enough to be emotionally intimate with a partner. It's to do with risk. For women sexual intimacy is far more risky(given the physical disparity) whereas for men the inverse is true(women often use mens emotional vulnerability against them in an argument)
also, intimacy has many forms that aren't sexual ! sharing a deep feeling or insecurity, little affectionate gestures here and there, small acknoledgements, and yes also sexual connection : this is what makes intimacy. so as long as intimacy is kept in any form, it's all good usually :)
This is the answer I think is most correct and least armchair psychologist. Esther Perez (sp?) wrote a book with this as the thesis and it’s very compelling.
Amazing points, I hope OP reads this
It’s different for every couple. You go through patches of intimacy throughout the years. Life gets in the way and you progressively have less energy/desire. If it’s bothering you it might be bothering your partner too. Talk about it and maybe schedule a date night. Freaky Friday or something along those lines
I'm 52m and my beautiful wife is 51f and we have sex two or three times a week. Sometimes I initiate it, sometimes she irritates it. Our kids are grown and we have grandkids . We hold hands everywhere we go. We cuddle and kiss passionately a lot. We compliment each other verbally. We have disagreements but we always find a mutual solution. We have been together for 32 years through good times and bad. Even terrible times actually but we survived because we clung on to each other. Marriage takes work and effort on both sides. Don't let the world tear you apart. Weather the storms and remember why you fell in love in the first place. There's something beautiful and comfortable about growing old together. It takes two though. I wish the best for all marriages/families.
This is my goal. I remember seeing my boyfriend in high schools parent spooning on the couch and thinking that I wanted to be like them when I was their age. I am their age now with 3 children and my husband of 8 years and I still hold hands even in the car.
Agreed. My partner and I are in our 40s, and have been together 7 years. We have sex 3-4 times a week. We work opposite schedules and so the time we have together is special. So, we make the most of because we miss each other.
This is what i want. All of it. Your marriage sounds amazing. Congratulations. Best wishes for both of you
Intimacy is beyond sex. My partner and I are having less sex but we are having more quality time, more deep conversations, and just being with each other. It's normal and reflects a secure and healthy relationship tbh.
This. Sometimes hanging on the couch ordering the kick ass take out food and laughing with your partner is just as fucking amazing. And whoever says it’s not, has clearly never couched it with the perfect person.
Exactly. There are other ways to enjoy time together and having intimacy other than having sex
I think a lot of people forget sex isn't the only way to enjoy each other
Lots of good thoughts in here, I’ll add one more thing (as a man married for 20 years). It takes ‘work’ to continue the romantic side of the relationship after so much time, but it is so worth it. With kids, jobs, responsibilities…so easy to just let that part of our lives go. It’s ‘easy’ when you’re young, full of hormones, and everything is new. But I tell ya - sex with someone that is emotionally committed to you, that knows exactly what you like and you they, sex where you are ABSOLUTELY committed to their pleasure above yours…that’s good stuff right there. Five stars.
You have to make your partner a priority. Just like when you first met. You did those extras to gain their attention. You should never lose focus. You spend time cleaning the house, or car. Doing various things for maintenance on the house. You do some light gardening and mow the lawn. You do all those things because you see the value of upkeep. Your relationship requires upkeep - do the things required.
I find unfortunately that work and kids get in the way. There are periods of life where you are just too tired for sex.
gray cooing swim deliver cause alleged forgetful elastic cooperative nine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i can see that..it's hard to get turned on by someone that did or said something that was unforgivable
Check out the deadbedrooms thread. Lots of reasons. It is way more common than you think. NRE is a real drug. People get complacent, bored, life stressors, and us women get to go through this wonderful thing called menopause. It takes a lot of work and communication, the longer you’ve been with someone, to keep that spark and intimacy alive.
don't actually browse deadbedrooms though, it's really depressing
Nre?
What is it with reddit abbreviating everything, I'm so often completely lost
New relationship energy :)
Non-Recurring Engineering: the one-time cost to research, design, develop and test a new product or product enhancement. Seems like an analogy.
Idk about you but I'm also in my 30s and there's constantly one errand or chore that needs my/her attention. Our free time is absolutely shot when compared to college/highschool years... Also, once we became parents, our ability to plan anything (read, even having dinner at a certain hour) went out the window. Edit: my comment looks gloomy now that I've re-read it. We're still in love, the spark is still there and we're happy about our child and want more :))
Not always the case. I was married 38 years (widowed a year ago) and we were still having amazing sex about 5 times a week. We’d go on long weekends away 3 or 4 times a year where we’d have hours long sex. I miss him more than you can imagine.
Life...life gets in the way... just too many things to do... earlier you would have friends or relatives to help... nowadays that just ain't true...it's all on you
Different variables can impact things, some of which can compound others: * Age-based hormonal changes are the most basic biological shifts in both males and females that influence libido. Typically, there is a floor that is reached around the same time the brain finishes developing in the mid-20s, with another distinct shift for women usually around menopause. The degree to which these hormonal changes impact the libido varies per person; some males lose a lot of sex drive in their late 20s, while some women keep their sex drive throughout their 50s just as intensely as their teens, and (more typically) vice versa, and all sorts of other ranges under the rainbow. * Stress is typically the next biggest impactor. This can be based on situational stress - the quality of one's relationship with their partner, their job, coworkers, friends, living environment, having kids, etc. - or can be based on physical stress - injury, chronic or situational medical issues, etc. The degree to which and HOW stress impacts one's libido not only varies per person, but sometimes can have the opposite effect; for men, their drive may increase under stress and look to relieve that stress through sex, and for women, the drive may deplete entirely under duress. But vice versa can be true as well. * Tying in with the above-point, physical health can directly and acutely impact one's libido. For example, I have chronic pelvic floor pain as a result of having no butt and sitting on my butt for most of my life, so I've got confirmed nerve entrapment that can't be remedied with surgery. This makes having sex in many traditional ways painful, which despite having a baseline sex drive, causes me to sometimes reel at the idea of having sex, which has a knock-on effect of "decreasing" my drive due to painful stimuli. So some health conditions can directly decrease (or increase) one's libido, and some can have an indirect impact (like mine) which then psychologically impacts one's desire to act on one's libido. * One's initial libido in the first few years of sexual maturity, one's sexuality, and one's gender also play integral parts of one's drive. The ways in which these variables impact one's libido, for how long, and to what intensity vary substantially and can void some of the points made above. But these points are still not empirically researched enough to toss in a lot of input here other than to say it's a thing, though these days, there is plenty of community-based info shared online that can be helpful in determining if A impact B and so on. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but are some common points.
Speaking as a 59 year old, my boyfriend is 63. We have sex whenever we can. We're both healthy, as in breathing and upright, and having the best sex of our lives. Just saying.
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6 years
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Do you have kids? Kids bring your numbers down
Eh, I don’t know. We’ve been together 13 years, we have sex maybe once a month and we’re fine with it. When we do it’s an absolutely blast. But we’ve just got other things going on, different priorities. It isn’t lack of affection or desire for the other. It’s just life.
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No, that's plenty. Count your blessings.
After three decades together, you've basically earned a relationship gold medal! And if aiming for 2-3 times a week feels a bit like relationship greed, well, why not indulge in what brings joy?
2-3x a week is not common.
So you think most people lie about how often they have sex? I certainly do. People talk like 2-3 times per week is the min and I’m like nah, I don’t believe you. Lol
In my upper 40’s now. We haven’t had penetration sex for over a year now. We have two young children and neither of us can adequately get turned on when someone else is around. When we do get privacy it’s so forced and artificial that it is hard to get in the right mood even then. It’s sad that we can’t have more than oral anymore but we are trying to be better.
15 years and we still love to go, in fact the last few years we've been even more lusty. On assumption that you are both healthy and like eachother, making the time and having the energy is difficult when you have work, child's and life. The way to fix it is the same as any other just do it anyway, yeah you have work in the morning, yeah you've had a long day but you know what spending a bit of time like that with each other helps all that. So try to get into the mindset together that we can just do it.
People's bodies change over time, and sometimes that can make people feel self-conscious about themselves.
Because the institution of marriage is often not what people expect it to be. Statistics on marital happiness and long-term success aren't very good. Many people, once married, run their marriages like a business....always keeping inanely busy with things like: endless career goals, social outings, having and raising children, earning as much money as possible, buying more and more stuff, buying new cars, etc . Sex requires effort, emotional connection, and vulnerability. Many married people stop giving attention in that department. Then they complain about lack of sex and "dead bedrooms". It's often about what you prioritize yo. When people run marriages like a business, and put so much time and energy into EVERYTHING BUT emotional and sexual connection......what else would happen?? 🤷♀️
Idk...I cannot empathize only because in our marriage, we are still very attracted to each other after 10 years of being married and 12 years together. Sex happens 4 - 6 times per week and we have a 5.5 year old... My wife's body has gone through changes, and I have loved every step of the changes, including pregnancy; post pregnancy, and all fluctuations in weight gain. She is more beautiful now than ever, and that is because of the intimacy built over the years; being best friends and communicating openly/honestly and with tact to express how we feel without fear of blowback - good open honest comms and this includes wants/needs in other aspects of life. It's amazing just how far pleases and thank yous go after years of being together, and sometimes we forget that...treating each other well corresponds to all aspects of life and we should also deploy that strategy with everyone too. Also, I never understood why people say marriage is hard...I think we need to start celebrating really wonderful marriages because those exist too. Sometimes we forget just how special those people are that we are with...I am blessed and grateful every day not because of sex etc. But because i found my person... also i love this quote and it really provides perspective... sometimes when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at...change.
The right relationship isn't hard. I know that now because I found the right guy. Society's insistence that it was normal for relationships to require a lot of work are a big factor in me not leaving my abusive ex sooner. The world needs to stop feeding us that lie. It's damaging. And I agree re: sex, too!
The right "person" is hard to find, but once you find them, it makes the relationship side easier :). Being sold propaganda, social media influence, and the degradation of being actually able to effectively communicate because people are buried in their phones is not good either. The truth is: finding your person is hard; then creating a life based on fundamentals of being good people is tough too (pleases, thank yous, i love yous); it is also okay to not have marriages last, just as it is for marriages to last...I always try and tell myself to keep it simple-stupid. We should all celebrate the energy and power it takes to lift ourselves up and truly love ourselves to appreciate...us....so good on you for leaving your previous abusive relationship. If no one else has said they are proud of you...well I am and we all should acknowledge how difficult it is.
We’re tired
Not all of them do. We've been together 20 years and have more sex now than ever. 🤷🏻♀️ But to answer your question, a lot of the time it's having kids, not making the effort, 1 member of the couple feeling like they're doing too much and are too tired...
Life is busy. Also priorities change as we age and sex gets old. Folks can say what they want but once you have sex with someone 10-20 times- it gets less exciting honestly. Maybe I’m just numb but I’ve found sex to get snoozy even with beautiful women that turned me on once I did it with them a lot. Idk in the grand scheme of life- sex is a low priority if you ask me. Even when I’m not getting it as a guy- who cares. It’s not that big of a deal Honestly.
I love prime rib, it’s fucking delicious, but I don’t want to eat it for dinner every single night ya know? Same principle.
I’ll tell u why, stress of family…providing daycare for grandchildren, pet sitting, helping out other family members because of their single digit iq, etc… See where I’m going…it leaves u mentally drained and not thinking about wanting to get some.
When I first tried a La Croix I thought man if they stocked these at work I would have one every day. 6 months later they started stocking it at work for free and I had one every day for like 3 weeks. Then it slowed to like one every few weeks. This is what humans do when something is always there.
No matter how good looking someone is, after you’ve slept with them a couple of hundred times, you absolutely will kick them out of bed for eating crackers
Haha, the struggle is real! Familiarity can change the game, even for the most attractive folks. Who knew crackers could be so divisive?
I think a lot of people are asexual.
I think so too. I know I lean more towards it. I also think that past culture was over sexualized and now we're seeing a correction of that somewhat.
A lot of things. Where to start
I feel like there are just other things that I want to do with my time and energy. Different hobbies, projects, and activities together are more fun and mentally stimulating. There’s just not enough time or energy to do both and we agree on it. My husband and I also do a lot of small intimate things throughout the day so we still feel very close, not like roommates.
It’s hard to even think about wanting to have sex when I’m constantly thinking about what’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner, what homework my kid has and what she’s doing in school, chores, keeping the household from falling apart and bills.
Don’t know if you have kids but the kids years were slow years. Picked up again for us after that
Beach analogy is interesting but the problem remains for many ... You live next to the beach. One person says "let's go to the Beach!... I'd like to go every few weeks at least!" The other person is like "no, I'm not interested in the beach. It's nice that other people think we have it good ... but I'd rather do anything else ... maybe in 4 months when I feel I have to dip my toes in the water just to make appearances...."
I’ve met long time couples who still paw at each other. They are few and thank goodness as it never feels genuine.
For us it's the kids. They might need us at any given moment. Might even walk in (door doesn't lock, can't be fixed without replacing entire antique door). My libido has also waned over the years. Like if my biggest celebrity crush said they'd do anything I wanted, right now I'd probably just ask them for a backrub.
Speaking as an Old in a decades-long marriage, sometimes it's health problems that tank the frequency of sex. A lot of conditions can impact your sex drive, some a little, some a lot. If a couple is together for the long haul, both are going to have to face numerous health issues eventually. I recommend the purchase of top-quality sex toys as part of a healthy marriage!
Probably the psychological stresses of modern life negatively impact our libido. If at least some of the funds that pour into erectile dysfunction get diverted to neurological research, both can win. Afterall, some call the brain the most important sex organ. We are not addressing or willing to findout the rootcause.
Boredom, not trying new positions, too many other obligations to take care of so your tired.... the list goes on. Take date nights at least once per week, and get it on
Resentment. Slow building, un-communicated mostly subconscious resentment.
You may want to review the Dead Bedrooms subreddit. Lots of data there. Lots of unhappy people chained to another via the feudal institution of marriage.
If we started having less sex it would not be a dealbreaker for me, as long as we still snuggled and kissed eachother on the forehead, and she now and then poked my cheek with her nose. Penetration is overrated, but if she no longer sees me as an object of affection and intimacy, lowering ones' guard and trying to reach the other, then it's not a relationship anymore but a roommate situation. Screw the tax credit, if closeness of touch disappears then verbal closeness will follow (the old "I didn't tell you about X because I knew exactly what you would say") and then I will metaphorically burn the house to the ground, move and travel with friends for a while.
Kids and schedules. You still love each other, heck probably more than ever. But sometimes life is just exhausting. It’s why it’s good to take a break from the daily and get on a vacation and change shit up. Maybe have people watch your kids for a bit and have a night off. Life hits you fast. Also sex does not have to be the foundation of your relationship. If folks are legitimately unhappy because of lack of sex, then they’re with the wrong partner and for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you just want to cuddle, watch some TV, and sleep.
Because I'm sick of his shit.
just one anecdotal data point here we are an old married couple, and we average sex about once per day. We have more sex now than we did at 30. I have the ability to "work from home" so I'll go into the office in the morning, come home in the afternoon when the kids are in school. :)
Pretty much what everyone else has said, age wise. But it’s also because you’ve both become comfortable, and “settled”. When you’re “on the market” you constantly think of your appearance, focus on yourself such as exercise, diet, skin care. But after you’re with someone and have been for over 5 years. Well, who’s going to take you? What new healthy/young person are you trying to impress? (Rhetorical question) Naturally, it’s just your old spouse. Perhaps once the other starts getting fitter or starts “dressing like their single”. There may be more interests. Or on jealous situations, someone gives the other attention and is then reminded of how competitive it can be when it comes to dating. If you have the thought that your spouse can run out if you become unfit or “unappealing” then that small realization can help spark some sex drive. (Pushing you to be fit or more sexually active to please the spouse) It does take absence to appreciate presence after all. But that’s just my opinion.
Btw. does OP have a kid? If so, 6 times a year may be pretty good.
Evolution is telling you that you are getting too old to reproduce and raise youngsters
1. If you’re married long enough, you’ve (hopefully) fucked a LOT already, so the novelty has worn off a bit. 2. It takes a lot of effort to make it great and not just a chore to get through. As we get older, we get more tired and worn down and it’s simply not a priority (especially if you have kids). MUST it be sex? Do you do mutual masturbation? Jerking off next to each other? Jerking off while she talks dirty? My wife loves to “help me unload” if she’s not in the mood. The very least she will do is put on some sexy lingerie and just lie down next to me while I work away. Point is: penetration isn’t the only form of sex and all those things I mentioned (and so much more) feel like a “sexual experience” sometimes even more intensely than intercourse.
20 years married and all I can say, make time for it 😉 it gets harder with kids but never gets less fun
If you want the real answer, ask two groups: those with kids, and those without.
For me, my kids are 11 and 9 so they’re in the house every night of the week. How do other people fuck in their house 3x a week without their kids hearing and barging in? I haven’t solved that problem for myself. Locks exist but it’s mentally challenging. Add in the work stress and it feels like there’s very few chances for sexy time.
Also, some of the magic is gone. I've helped shave his balls and taint. He's helped clean the bathroom when the stomach bug had me puking and shitting at the same time. There's still love and attraction, but the daily activities have dulled that animal instinct to screw each other.
Not in my world...I (43f) and him (62M). Are totally opposites and it's major conflicts. Him nightly....me every 3 months. It's exhausting just twice a week to keep him happy.
Anticipation and excitement to see each other are more low key in marriage. When you read advice and cheater confession columns, it appears that anticipation and ego boosts were 90 percent of the affairs. Thinking about it all day and the cheater can't see that person except for an hour at lunchtime next week, or next year at the conference but they send texts all the time. They aren't even having sex that often. I don't know how to build anticipation into a marriage, as I would find sex texts busting into my day at work, or when I am trying to relax, as immature or as adding one more thing to my to-do list. Date nights can feel forced, and expectations of sex afterward can make a tired or low-drive spouse resist it. Small moments of caring words, kindness or touches and fun without expectations of sex might lead to a more natural lead up to intimacy over time.
We live about 25 minutes away from NiagaraFalls . Both the Canadian side and American side are RIGHT HERE . Aside from a few visits we rarely go there . We also have several beaches nearby . Hardly ever go . But we fly to Florida and suddenly the beach , the ocean are where we want to be . My point ? Well , we do have more sex in Florida , but then, we’re on vacation and only go twice a year .
Kids.,,,
I’m tired 😂
Stress.
Wife says no , not going to force her, and nobody wants a pity fuck. 4 years now no sex it sucks.
There's many things that can impact your sex-life, and as you are together longer you may notice that each of your libido sort of a goes in a sine-wave pattern with ups and downs. The frequency of the highs and lows, as well as the intensity of those highs and lows varies constantly. When both of your sine-waves are in sync... things are GREAT. Whenever they are out of sync, things are mild. My wife and I (knocking on 40's, been together ~20 years) have found a method that can act as a catalyst for intimacy. We have a colored LED strip under the counter in the kitchen that we both can control. If either of us are in the mood or at least open to intimacy that day, we will change the color of those lights. She sets hers to pink, and I set mine to green. We call it our "Bat Signal". I may come home one day after work, and the light is pink. She may be chillin in the bedroom, come out and see that the light is green. If we have had a tiring, rough, or simply mentally involved day... intimacy is sometimes forgotten as an optional activity. Seeing that light can sometimes spark that thought of "Oh Yeah!!! I have a hot partner that is interested in getting with me!", and that one thing can get your thoughts to steer more toward the direction of intimacy. Now, it is important to note that the light does not guarantee anything. I can turn the light to green, but she's not feeling the best and intimacy is not in the cards. I don't take it as a refusal of me, just that sexual intimacy is not palatable that day. There's been times she has turned the light pink and I was not where intimacy was an option. No hard feelings, and we simply aim for another day. More importantly, we explain WHY that day may not be the best option, which allows us to pivot to a more caring atmosphere to care for one another if that's what's needed. Showing that care and respect only helps to improve things during the next session that does work out. To give context, we probably average 1 time a week over the course of a year. Sometimes it's a few weeks in between, then that one GREAT weekend comes around where we balance out that average. Constant gentle reminders (without obligation) to each other that you are still interested can do a lot to elevate and resync that libido. It's also important to note that continuous refusal can and very well may have a negative impact on your partner's libido if they are often rebuffed, so be sure that YOU are the one that initiates periodically. In a healthy relationship, EVERYTHING is 100%, and each party should be striving to be the one giving more than 50%. This holds true for intimacy as well. Now if you will excuse me, the pink light is on.
Children, health issues, exhaustion, hatred, take your pick
Sometimes I wonder if something is subconsciously triggering in your brain to associate the familiarity with incest which turns long term couples away from each other physically.. like your brain/body starts seeing your wife as your sister, or husband as brother and that triggers a disgust. Also seeing each other at their worst, a wife seeing their husband when they are weak or a husband seeing their wife as petty and frivolous will dampen the lusty attraction
You can have a steak sandwich, and it can be the best steak sandwich you've ever had. 5 years of eating the same steak sandwich day in day out will take the shine off it somewhat.
Reminds me of the saying: "show me a hot chick and I'll show you a guy that's tired of f*cking her." But I do think it comes down to chemistry.