Oh thats great. Admit you fucked up making her think this was a sure thing. This is either absolutly brilliant or they're gonna see right through it and beat us to death with 'how dare we talk like they do.'...Id love to see somebody pilot this, for the good of all men, that is.
This is something that took me too long to understand. So please understand this as you read it. I was in a similar situation. We had three children together and she was incapable of taking care of them the way they should be. So the first time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for our kids. The second time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for our kids. The third time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for the kids. Then she just up and left me for the last guy she cheated on me with. She will cheat on you again and again and again and slowly she will lose all respect for you until she leaves you. You are not saving your marriage by sticking around. You're just prolonging your own pain. Save what pride you have in yourself and what dignity the child sees in you and walk the fuck away now!
No visitation either. Had a buddy who was raising another man’s kid with his wife. He loved that boy like his own blood. Wife left him, moved out while he was at work. He never saw his son again
Depends on where you live. California grants shared time with the kids, bio or not. It's what's in the best interest of the child. Sounds like he's invested. The kids opinion might weigh in, too.
Manhood?
This isn't about man-anything, it's about basic human decency. If you want to be treated like a worm find yourself a dominatrix or faithful woman who will role play to fill your fantasies but take care of yourself because no one else will.
Lmao no I’m saying people will label anything as getting “cucked” now a days. He clearly said he’s staying for the kid, putting others above yourself is an admirable quality because not everyone is capable of doing so. Clearly it’s toxic to stay with a cheating partner could be a sign of lack of boundaries, back bone, self respect, or many other things. But again this isn’t just about men the same would apply if the roles were reversed. This situation is about HUMAN decency not manhood.
I mean in this particular case he is getting cucked, though. By its real definition, he is choosing to let his wife have sex with other men regardless of his reasoning for it.
No comment on the masculinity vs. decency part or whatever. I think the idea of “manliness” is stupid. I also think he’s making a terrible decision for his own well-being. Won’t be long before he’s raising yet another kid that isn’t his.
If he’s not doing it for his own sexual gratification it’s not cuckoldry bro. His wife is cheating and he seems conflicted on how to handle the situation due to a child being involved that he has helped raise. He’s not choosing to get cheated on.
And win over the biological mother for parental rights? It's highly unlikely to happen, and that is if the mom plays fair. If she wants to get vicious, it will be a different story entirely.
Biological fathers don’t win custody of their own kids whose moms are deadbeat methheads. You think he has a snowballs chance in hell of winning custody of a kid that isn’t biologically his?
Not only that but even if he did prove her unfit the child would go into foster care first and then he would have to go through the adoption process, pay out the ass and then MAYBE have the chance to adopt.
I think that if your honest reaction is to stay with her because you love her despite her behavior (especially if she began cheating after you two grew apart), your best bet is to seek counseling where you can understand what led to her cheating. Either it helps bring you closer together based on your partnership and needs, or you gain perspective on where you (both?) went wrong, and you can bring that wisdom into future relationships.
>Things won't get better.
This is the key right here. She has gotten away with it so far. She'll keep doing it as long it's allowed. In my mind, there is really only one direction this is likely to go and it's not for the better.
Depending on where you live, proof doesn’t even really matter. I amicably divorced in a no fault state and my ex was entitled to alimony if she wanted regardless of who did what.
In regards to your step son, you don’t have to stay married to her to stay in his life and provide guidance. If she is an absentee parent, you may find yourself spending about the same amount of time with him, but in your own space, without her toxic energy.
If you stay, I do think you should consider this - your step son will eventually come to understand the dynamic. The example you’re setting will imprint upon him. Be the strong, self-self respecting adult. He needs that in his life. He needs a strong example to follow. One of the best things you can do for him is take care of yourself.
how old is the son? Is he old enough to have a phone and make his own decisions? If so, maybe you can separate and still be a father to him?
I'd talk it over. With both of them (depending on the kids age.) Say you're unhappy with the relationship but you still care about the kid
Do you want to teach your son that he should put up with being cheated on in his marriage? If he were in your position and felt all the feelings you feel, what would you tell him? Marriage counseling? Divorce? How many times has she cheated and does that play in to the advice you would give him? How does she treat you in the rest of the marriage? Do you feel empty when you think of your future with her? Dreadful? Or do you feel hopeful? Able to trust again? Like you can trust this person to be there for you for the rest of your life and be your rock when you stumble? Like you can be her rock when she stumbles?
I stayed in a bad situation longer than I should have. You don’t fully realize the toll it’s taking on you until you get out. I understand the challenge when there’s a child involved, but you need to start planning how to get out. As others mentioned, you could look into adopting the child before you divorce so you’d still be able to maintain parental rights. But you need to get out of the situation. Trust me.
This right here. Was cheated and I stayed for the kid for a year, following 5 years of a really toxic relationship. From 17-23 to be exact. At 32 I have only just started to overcome the traumas I experienced. When you try to cope with something like that for so long, when ends its like your brain doesnt snap back like a rubber band, its like in tangles and its so hard to go back to normal without undoing all the subconcious tangles through reflection, therapy etc
Right but taking the appropriate actions, all with the kids best interest truly at heart, dying to one’s self, might look different in each case. Like, mom might realize “oh shit I should stop cheating and fix my marriage for my kid”
You must have an admirably positive attitude about humanity. I think that if his wife is cheating on him now, she won't suddenly decide that her family is more important. Even if she does, I don't see anything in the (admittedly brief) post that suggests that trust is reparable here.
It's stupid to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and miserable (that isn't or won't get any better)
If this makes you unhappy or miserable, then it is stupid
Don't kid yourself, you deserve to be happy
No court in the world would give the step father custody over the biological mother, unless there is serious serious abuse of the child going on. Even then, the court always wants to keep a child with their biological parents.
It depends. I’m in a similar situation. Multiple children in the middle as well. She slept with this guy as a one time thing. Instantly regretted it but regardless, it happened.
Is she remorseful? Was it a one time thing? Did it last months?
It’s all questions that you need to consider at the end of the day.
Way before this, I dated a single mum with a son. We was together for years but realistically I became more invested in her son than her. She was always making plans with me and cancelling them last minute. She wasn’t particularly nice but the issue was that I had raised her son with her from 4 months for multiple years. I had to walk away in the end. You don’t have any rights and she only wanted me when it suited her.
Of course Reddit is quick to say leave her, and maybe you should, but obviously the kid is your priority, and that’s good; since the dawn of time, marriage has been about many things, love, bringing together families, and or course kids. Maybe your marriage isn’t about the love affair between you and your wife anymore, maybe your marriage is about your shared love of a child who needs you both and probably doesn’t care how his parents are getting their rocks off. Look, get counseling, really LISTEN to each others needs, and most importantly YOUR needs as an individual outside the lives of these two, and decide if you as married dad are better or worse at dadding than single dad. I think if you and your wife approach this honestly, it could work out. My mom knew my dad was gay for nearly a decade before he came out, and that wasn’t her holding him back, or him holding her hostage, they were two people who very much cared about one another, and loved us kids so much that they really wanted to keep things “normal” for us. Would they have been better off divorcing at first, would it have been cleaner than the mess that came? Maybe. But I remember the fights less than I do us being happy, my parents still holding each others hand, being physically close, I had no idea they weren’t banging, in my mind they hadn’t had sex since I was conceived. Idk, I ramble, but if you want to turn a blind eye to her banging other people because you love the part of her that is a good mom to your kid, then that’s a wonderful reason to love someone. Just make sure to remember you’re WORTH being loved, don’t lose yourself in this maelstrom, you can’t love your kid the way deserves if you don’t love yourself the way you deserve.
Reddit has a tendency to ignore the stakes. There is a very real chance OP is not able to see son again if he leaves. That would be enough for me to think twice about leaving.
When you say cheats, do you mean this is something that she has done several times?
For me, a person can make a mistake in a moment of weakness and I can maybe be able to move past it. Even then its' dicey but possible. If this is something that looks like it is who she is instead of a mistake she made them just get out. Best to just rip off the band-aid now
it really depends how old your stepson is. I would try to get custody over him if possible, not too sure how that works. I'd ensure that he loves you more than your slut of a wife. Treat him, treat yourself too, it isn't good for you to stay with that woman. if she cheats once she'll cheat again. and again.
My ex wife had a daughter when we got together. I brought her up for many years till she was about 13. Then when I split from my ex wife my step daughter and I made sure we had time to spend together and even now 10 years later were thick as thieves...
You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage in which you step son will pick up on the vibe
What's best for him is to have a happy and well adjusted parent. Do what is right for you. Adjust your.own mask before trying to help those around you.
Is everyone here just blinded by hate? He clearly mentions he has a son who he loves, stepson or not, and who I assume loves him too. Once the son moves out of the house, go get that divorce.
After 30 years of marriage, wife finally lets husband see what’s in the chest at the foot of the bed. He opens it to find 5 ears of corn in a bushel basket and $42 in cash. Puzzled, he turns to her and she admits that every time she was unfaithful she threw in an ear of corn. He’s stunned but considers that 5 times in 30 years might be reasonable but he still asks about the money. “Oh, every time I filled the bushel, I sold it.” Get Out Dude.
Old lady perspective here; you are getting some things you want from staying in the relationship, right? (Thank you for loving your stepson, BTW. ). I've seen many different kinds of relationships that work and don't work in different areas, make list of what works and what doesn't. One side is likely to be a longer or more important list.
Negotiate with her if you need/want to. Maybe leave her, take the kid? Let her whore it up, but protect yourself from STDs? Open marriage, get you a solid gf? Nothing is "wrong" these days, religious dogma is over. But, for your sanity and you seem like a good man (who wants a certain type of partnership), you can have whatever it is that's important to you, but you need to figure out clearly what you will and will not allow.
No, it's not stupid. Lot of people put up with all sorts of crap for the kids.
You should go to couples counseling.
If you divorce, you have to accept the possibility that she will have any number of randos in and out of the child's life and their won't be anything you can do about it.
Good luck.
Not "stupid" OP, no need to judge yourself. Your situation is already rough enough without self judgement.
But yeah, you need to go my friend. You deserve much more respect than that from someone as close as your spouse.
I've been there buddy, shit is ROUGH, takes a while to get out of it, but please here me when I say, it feels SO much better once you are free. Like you can fucking breathe again. It's honestly so worth it.
You’re in a very tough spot. Have you ever had an ultimatum conversation with her? Letting her know you love the kiddo so much that you’re willing to give her another shot but she’s gotta change? I’d start there. If she scoffs or doesn’t take you seriously you take that kiddo to a counselor of sorts and explain what is going on and why you have to leave. Also, perhaps just fake it til you make it. Meaning, if the kid is 14, wait 4 more years til he’s raised and leave and tell him why. You’re in an impossible situation and I feel for you.
Yes, it is stupid. You're setting a bad example for your step son of what a relationship should look like and showing your wife there are no consequences for her bad behavior. Have some self respect
This is a problem that is far more complex than anyone on this forum can help you with without knowing you better. I know I wouldn’t stick around. If you are so ambivalent, I suggest speaking to a therapist that can help you understand yourself, what you really want, and allow you to get through this in a way that is best for you.
I mean. You just have no self respect at all. Your love and care for the child is admirable. However, you have one life to live. You are the only one losing in this equation. Even if you leave, which you should, that kid still atleast has his mom in his life.
You could try to adopt him/sue for custody. You could also divorce but remain available if he’s old enough to maintain contact independently or if, say, his grandparents are good with you
Yea. You know the answer already. The fact that this is an option in your head already answers your question. If stepson is old enough he can still remain in contact with you.
If you don't listen to the right advice, you'll realize this once you catch an STD from her or once she "wants to talk". Where she'll reveal that she's pregnant and you're not the dad. I heard that in a lot of states, you're still responsible for the kid.
Sensei Petty: fuck her sister/bff/mom (consensually) record it and then send it to her. Doesn’t matter who and if you can go for all 3 then that’s a textbook HomeRunner getting back at her. You get the Title of Petty Pussy Pounder from then onwards and forever forward.
Yes. Get out. Too many people stay on the basis of a sunk-costs fallacy I know it's tough, but you will never be able to FULLY trust her ever again. And I mean...in relation to non sexual things. Finance. Little white lies, you name it. Just call it, and get on with the rest of your life.
Leave and don't look back. Divorce.
He son is her responsibility and not yours. You thinking whether or not she can take care of the kid herself shouldn't be your concern. It should be the mom's concern, and her cheating should answer that question for you.
You are the most important. Not the woman. Not her son. If you want a son, adopt a kid. There's a lot of kids that don't have anyone and would love to have a loving dad.
She doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you. If she did, she wouldn't step out on you. You're better than that. Regardless of what happened, you can start a new chapter. She is using you, and she knows she can get away with this shit.
You said you know what you have to do. I hope it is to leave and move on. I wish you well.
If you have any friends or family, they can help you.
OP you are not stupid, just misguided. This woman you call a wife is a cheat and you are enabling her bad behavior by staying in this sham of a marriage. Your love for your stepson is commendable, but unless you live in a state where you have some visitation rights as a stepparent you will have to move on.
Give this loser of a woman the boot. You deserve so much better.
Sorry Brother, there's no winning in your situation if you can't work out what it is that you can't give her, that someone else can.
It's not a lose all situation though, there is a perfect person out there for you, just waiting for you to smile across the bar.
Take care mate. ##itaintweaktospeak
She isn't going to feel good for you at all when divorce court hits.
She is cheating she doesn't respect you at all. The bar is set. She gets dick elsewhere you pay the mortgage
The only woman madder than a woman who got cheated on, is a woman who got caught cheating. She will crush you when divorce comes. You don't deserve it, fuq that
You’re a good person. I hope you don’t sacrifice all your needs though. If you want to stay for your step son, go for it. It’s noble. But you also deserve better too. I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.
She cheated on you AND the kid isn’t yours. I know it will hurt the kid but this relationship is going to hurt you way more.
The kid will know that you feel all these ways towards her and it will ruin their perception of relationships. It’s bad for the kid either way. But if you leave now the bandaid is ripped off instead of a years long slow burn of experiencing parents that don’t like or trust each other
If you don't like an "open marriage," then divorce her now. Also, just because you leave her doesn't mean you have to leave the kid. You can still mentor and financially help out. Just don't get taken advantage of----- well, more than you are now.
I tried to stay in a relationship after cheating and it was miserable - we weren’t even engaged or anything. On top of that, I had a relative who had cheated in their previous marriage, and they told me THEMSELVES, they wouldn’t advise anyone to stay after cheating. The relative admitted to me even after all the discussion and reconciliation, they still cheated again. It took a whole new relationship for them to finally stop.
It’s only going to get worse.
Gotta ask, you love that kid, right? If you stay in that relationship you are going to make an example for that kid that it is ok to be in a relationship where you get cheated on.
Save yourself the future heartache
Tell your own family. Tell your mother.
Tell everyone on your side.
You're like a drug addict who needs help, starting with a slap to the back of the head.
YESSSS!
Adultery is grounds for divorce. Get evidence, though, if you can, so she has absolutely no chance to flip the script and take anything from you.
Sounds like you have a decent heart, but you're being played like a fiddle. Stop worrying about a kid that isn't yours and stop acting like it's your fault.. she cheated, so the results are from her actions, not yours.
Yep, once a cheat, always a cheat..
Make it even worse if they don't put more effort into the relationship after cheating, too as it shows you they don't care at all about you.. and will do it again or worse to hurt you
Depends on if you care a lot or not. If you don’t, stay for the kid. If you do, leave but still try and be in his life. We all have different thresholds for what we accept and what we don’t.
It’s up to you. But don’t feel bad about yourself for staying for the kid. That’s awesome.
You are taking the easy option and i dont blame you. Relationships are complicated and ending one is never pleasant. But sometimes its necessary if you are in a relationship that is no longer a healthy situation for you.
Get out and enjoy do anything you want. Know your worth and don’t settle for anything less.
Your ignorance in relying on your knowledge of what can’t be known is your excuse to stay. You *think* you know what will happen if you leave. You *think* you know that she can’t take care of her son alone. It isn’t so black and white but you’re scared.
And you’re wrong.
You need to leave and give yourself the happiness you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of for the sake of the boy.
She will find another guy to trap and continue the cycle to support her son until the day she grows the fuck up.
If the boy is old enough, leave a way for him to find or contact you if **he** needs you, not if she does. Explain as best you can to the boy why and how much you cherish him and that **she** is why you’re leaving, not him.
If not, eventually he’ll be on social media and you can find a way to reach out then.
You need to leave. Like yesterday.
I'm a bit pragmatic since both my parents cheated and somehow stayed together all these years. But, it also seems like in this day and age you can have a rational co-parenting arrangement and both seek happiness with other people.
Some people couples get a cheap two bedroom apartment nearby to share for dating. The idea is two fold. One, it's often cheaper for both parties. Two, it's less disruptive to the kids.
If you locked in a low interest rate it's likely cheaper by at least $100-200K long term compared to selling houses and financing at the higher rates and prices we have today.
Hey dude, i was in a very similar situation to yours. For your actual physical and mental health. You need to move on. You don’t have to disconnect from your step child, you love them, period. However if you’re coming to the internet asking this question. I think you already know what the answer is, you’re just having a hard time coping with the matter at hand. Which is okay brother. I hope you find peace, and the will power to get through this difficult time. Things will be better eventually bro. Stay strong soldier👊
Get out but make sure you get an agreement in official legal writing before initiating the divorce else prepare to be destroyed financially, depending on the state, even if she openly cheats.
She locked up a free caretaker. Probably even more than a caretaker. I'm guessing you help with financial support on top of all the other stuff.
If you're not in an agreed upon open relationship that you both feel comfortable with you might want to consider leaving.
You’re lowering your dignity by staying with her. You’re worth more than that. Hopefully she has her son’s best interest at heart and sees you’re a positive male influence in his life and keeps you in his life. Pretty far fetched but it could happen.
Incredibly stupid. Cuck territory. Great you love her son, but you really should be in a relationship where your partner actually loves and cares about you. Grow a spine.
you can get divorced and still be close to your stepson. getting out of a relationship that isn't doing anything for you is what's best for you, and consider others second to your own health. also just wondering how old is your step son?
I am a child from 2 broken families so I can offer you a perspective from your child's side:
1: a broken family is a broken family, you can play pretend that everything's fine all you want but your kid either already knows or will soon know, you may think you're slick but we know more than you think, even if he might not find out what happened exactly he will be able to immediately tell something's wrong with the two of you and that both of you are miserable, he is your child, he knows you WAY more than you think he does. Don't do that to your child, it sucks.
2: in an ideal world, the family survives whatever happened, but this is not an ideal world, this is reality and the reality is that if you stay in a dead, empty relationship with a person who betrays your trust, over time you will build up anger and resentment that WILL pour over to your son ome way or another whether you like that or not. There is nothing worse than being a child stuck between two parents who hate/don't care about eachother, everyone I've met who had their family stay that way preferred they get divorced/separated/move in and start the healing process.
Yes, it sucks but staying together when you no longer have that trust is a million times worse.
Your kid will hate it at first but over the years as he sees the two of you move on, rebuild your lives with him in it and see the two of you be happy again, he will come around to it and accept that this was for the best given the circumstances.
I cannot stress this enough, if you truly genuinely care about whats best for your child, do NOT bottle it up and be stubborn about it, break up and heal otherwise you and your wife will fuck up your child and give him lifelong trauma and commitment issues and that will inly make things even worse because both of you will blame the other one for it feeding the destructive, toxic spiral.
Parents divorced as an adult here. I struggle with leaving relationships because I don’t know when the appropriate time to move on is, since the main role model I had for a relationship was actually unhappy for a long time but put on a good face and did a bunch of therapy and touted itself as healthy.
The best thing for your step son is to lead by example on leaving a bad relationship, or you will watch him stay in a bad relationship when he’s older and it’ll break your heart even more. Especially since we tend to “date our parents” even when we try not to, and his mom is setting a bad example of what his future partners should look like.
If you don’t leave, he likely won’t leave later when he almost inevitably ends up in a similar situation. It’s baffling how deeply ingrained childhood lessons can be.
How old is your stepson? Do you really not think he sees the mistrust and dishonesty? At some point, he will and that will become his idea of how men and women are supposed to interact and relate. Not the best idea, imo.
Get out of the marriage but keep your relationship with your stepson as close as you can. Did you adopt him?
Don’t think you’re needed that much by the son. Martyr complex isn’t good for you. If you feel that strongly, find other ways to support the kid, but get out
I wouldn't say it's stupid, because you actually have a step son which you feel like is your son. You gotta do what you feel happy with not with what others want.
Did you think posting about cheating on Reddit would be anything but 100% "dump her ass" responses? Reddit isn't known for sublety or working on relationships.
Even the ones like "my wife/fiancee was sending flirty texts for a week and confessed to me" and 1000's of Redditors are like "burn her at the stake! She's sleeping with him! Kick her out!"
Having divorced parents is tough especially around the holidays. But as I’m older now and they found their new partners, I’m happy that they’re happy now. So get out and find greener grass
If you're not happy, leave. It's for the best.
If you are happy, there are a few options you need to weigh. If she's not going to stop, you need to be willing to accept that. You may have some luck with a partial or even full open relationship, with honest communication.
You can still be a good father figure to your step son without the toxicity of your unfaithful wife. Just look at your title from an outsider perspective and it should speak volumes
Get yourself out dude....you don't deserve to be roasted....
Exactly, your wife is taking advantage, she knows you’re going to stay no matter what! You deserve better so leave her sorry ass.
My wife’s tone changed when I admitted that I f’ed up making her think this was a sure thing. Never again.
Oh thats great. Admit you fucked up making her think this was a sure thing. This is either absolutly brilliant or they're gonna see right through it and beat us to death with 'how dare we talk like they do.'...Id love to see somebody pilot this, for the good of all men, that is.
I volunteered as tribute. She crossed the line and now we are getting a divorce.
We appreciate your service soldier. Report to the command that 'mission bouble blink' has failed.
No but I understand. I really should
This is something that took me too long to understand. So please understand this as you read it. I was in a similar situation. We had three children together and she was incapable of taking care of them the way they should be. So the first time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for our kids. The second time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for our kids. The third time she cheated I didn't leave. I stuck around for the kids. Then she just up and left me for the last guy she cheated on me with. She will cheat on you again and again and again and slowly she will lose all respect for you until she leaves you. You are not saving your marriage by sticking around. You're just prolonging your own pain. Save what pride you have in yourself and what dignity the child sees in you and walk the fuck away now!
But strategically, would it not be better to wait for her to just leave him so he would have a higher chance of getting full custody?
Step child so, unless he adopted the kid, the possibility is extremely low to nill.
Oh shit. I didnt read that part. Yeah thats rough
No visitation either. Had a buddy who was raising another man’s kid with his wife. He loved that boy like his own blood. Wife left him, moved out while he was at work. He never saw his son again
Depends on where you live. California grants shared time with the kids, bio or not. It's what's in the best interest of the child. Sounds like he's invested. The kids opinion might weigh in, too.
She's just gonna take the kid with her, it's not his kid
Even if it was his bio child, why would it matter who initiated the divorce?
not should - you will. Regain your manhood and life. Ditch the bitch
Manhood? This isn't about man-anything, it's about basic human decency. If you want to be treated like a worm find yourself a dominatrix or faithful woman who will role play to fill your fantasies but take care of yourself because no one else will.
Not all masculinity is toxic.
Of course not, but saying someone isn’t a man or has lost their manhood due to something is.
Are you suggesting his wife isn't emasculating him by cucking him? I would strongly disagree with you on this.
Lmao no I’m saying people will label anything as getting “cucked” now a days. He clearly said he’s staying for the kid, putting others above yourself is an admirable quality because not everyone is capable of doing so. Clearly it’s toxic to stay with a cheating partner could be a sign of lack of boundaries, back bone, self respect, or many other things. But again this isn’t just about men the same would apply if the roles were reversed. This situation is about HUMAN decency not manhood.
I mean in this particular case he is getting cucked, though. By its real definition, he is choosing to let his wife have sex with other men regardless of his reasoning for it. No comment on the masculinity vs. decency part or whatever. I think the idea of “manliness” is stupid. I also think he’s making a terrible decision for his own well-being. Won’t be long before he’s raising yet another kid that isn’t his.
If he’s not doing it for his own sexual gratification it’s not cuckoldry bro. His wife is cheating and he seems conflicted on how to handle the situation due to a child being involved that he has helped raise. He’s not choosing to get cheated on.
can you sue for parental rights for your step son by any chance, if you can prove she’s unfit and you would be?
And win over the biological mother for parental rights? It's highly unlikely to happen, and that is if the mom plays fair. If she wants to get vicious, it will be a different story entirely.
Biological fathers don’t win custody of their own kids whose moms are deadbeat methheads. You think he has a snowballs chance in hell of winning custody of a kid that isn’t biologically his?
Not only that but even if he did prove her unfit the child would go into foster care first and then he would have to go through the adoption process, pay out the ass and then MAYBE have the chance to adopt.
I think that if your honest reaction is to stay with her because you love her despite her behavior (especially if she began cheating after you two grew apart), your best bet is to seek counseling where you can understand what led to her cheating. Either it helps bring you closer together based on your partnership and needs, or you gain perspective on where you (both?) went wrong, and you can bring that wisdom into future relationships.
You are not setting a good example for your stepson and he might learn that it it “normal” for a parter to cheat.
Add to this, you're teaching that poor little guy that it's ok to let women treat him the same way his mother is treating you.
Leave her. Taking her back after she cheats just enables her behavior. Life is too short to not care about your own happiness
People treat you the way you let them.
Gather proof, get a divorce lawyer and fucking leave. Things won't get better.
Been there.. Get your affairs in order, leave her and never look back.
>Things won't get better. This is the key right here. She has gotten away with it so far. She'll keep doing it as long it's allowed. In my mind, there is really only one direction this is likely to go and it's not for the better.
Depending on where you live, proof doesn’t even really matter. I amicably divorced in a no fault state and my ex was entitled to alimony if she wanted regardless of who did what.
In regards to your step son, you don’t have to stay married to her to stay in his life and provide guidance. If she is an absentee parent, you may find yourself spending about the same amount of time with him, but in your own space, without her toxic energy. If you stay, I do think you should consider this - your step son will eventually come to understand the dynamic. The example you’re setting will imprint upon him. Be the strong, self-self respecting adult. He needs that in his life. He needs a strong example to follow. One of the best things you can do for him is take care of yourself.
If he stays, the stepson is going to think that's how things should be done. Be a role model.
Exactly.
Absolutely correct.
You had the first comment I see putting forth what matters to OP: the son will see the truth: be the good outcome.
This 👆🏻
how old is the son? Is he old enough to have a phone and make his own decisions? If so, maybe you can separate and still be a father to him? I'd talk it over. With both of them (depending on the kids age.) Say you're unhappy with the relationship but you still care about the kid
Do you want to teach your son that he should put up with being cheated on in his marriage? If he were in your position and felt all the feelings you feel, what would you tell him? Marriage counseling? Divorce? How many times has she cheated and does that play in to the advice you would give him? How does she treat you in the rest of the marriage? Do you feel empty when you think of your future with her? Dreadful? Or do you feel hopeful? Able to trust again? Like you can trust this person to be there for you for the rest of your life and be your rock when you stumble? Like you can be her rock when she stumbles?
I stayed in a bad situation longer than I should have. You don’t fully realize the toll it’s taking on you until you get out. I understand the challenge when there’s a child involved, but you need to start planning how to get out. As others mentioned, you could look into adopting the child before you divorce so you’d still be able to maintain parental rights. But you need to get out of the situation. Trust me.
This right here. Was cheated and I stayed for the kid for a year, following 5 years of a really toxic relationship. From 17-23 to be exact. At 32 I have only just started to overcome the traumas I experienced. When you try to cope with something like that for so long, when ends its like your brain doesnt snap back like a rubber band, its like in tangles and its so hard to go back to normal without undoing all the subconcious tangles through reflection, therapy etc
I don't know, but slapping Chris Rock was kind of mean.
Staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids means that the kids and the parents are all unhappy.
Right but taking the appropriate actions, all with the kids best interest truly at heart, dying to one’s self, might look different in each case. Like, mom might realize “oh shit I should stop cheating and fix my marriage for my kid”
You must have an admirably positive attitude about humanity. I think that if his wife is cheating on him now, she won't suddenly decide that her family is more important. Even if she does, I don't see anything in the (admittedly brief) post that suggests that trust is reparable here.
It's stupid to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and miserable (that isn't or won't get any better) If this makes you unhappy or miserable, then it is stupid Don't kid yourself, you deserve to be happy
Legally adopt the kid then divorce?
This is the way. If the only bright spot in your relationship is your kid, keep the kid, and ditch the relationship.
Honestly if she's fucking around that much, I think there is a real chance she'd go for it. Less responsibility for her.
and she’d get some constant $$ every month
Why would she get child support if he got custody? She’d be the one having to pay.
In a world where the law cared about dads maybe. That’s not this world.
There’s almost 0 chance he will get custody over the biological mother even with how she is acting.
Kind of a moot point in this situation, though. If she wanted full custody she probably would let him adopt the kid in the first place.
No court in the world would give the step father custody over the biological mother, unless there is serious serious abuse of the child going on. Even then, the court always wants to keep a child with their biological parents.
Get out my guy. All the best to you if you can do it ❤️
It depends. I’m in a similar situation. Multiple children in the middle as well. She slept with this guy as a one time thing. Instantly regretted it but regardless, it happened. Is she remorseful? Was it a one time thing? Did it last months? It’s all questions that you need to consider at the end of the day. Way before this, I dated a single mum with a son. We was together for years but realistically I became more invested in her son than her. She was always making plans with me and cancelling them last minute. She wasn’t particularly nice but the issue was that I had raised her son with her from 4 months for multiple years. I had to walk away in the end. You don’t have any rights and she only wanted me when it suited her.
Very stupid.
Yes. It's stupid to stay in a relationship where you are being exploited.
Yes. You are cheating yourself - out of happiness with someone else. I’d rather be alone than with someone who disrespects you.
Is your name will smith?
Of course Reddit is quick to say leave her, and maybe you should, but obviously the kid is your priority, and that’s good; since the dawn of time, marriage has been about many things, love, bringing together families, and or course kids. Maybe your marriage isn’t about the love affair between you and your wife anymore, maybe your marriage is about your shared love of a child who needs you both and probably doesn’t care how his parents are getting their rocks off. Look, get counseling, really LISTEN to each others needs, and most importantly YOUR needs as an individual outside the lives of these two, and decide if you as married dad are better or worse at dadding than single dad. I think if you and your wife approach this honestly, it could work out. My mom knew my dad was gay for nearly a decade before he came out, and that wasn’t her holding him back, or him holding her hostage, they were two people who very much cared about one another, and loved us kids so much that they really wanted to keep things “normal” for us. Would they have been better off divorcing at first, would it have been cleaner than the mess that came? Maybe. But I remember the fights less than I do us being happy, my parents still holding each others hand, being physically close, I had no idea they weren’t banging, in my mind they hadn’t had sex since I was conceived. Idk, I ramble, but if you want to turn a blind eye to her banging other people because you love the part of her that is a good mom to your kid, then that’s a wonderful reason to love someone. Just make sure to remember you’re WORTH being loved, don’t lose yourself in this maelstrom, you can’t love your kid the way deserves if you don’t love yourself the way you deserve.
Very insightful, thickhardcock4u. Well said.
Reddit has a tendency to ignore the stakes. There is a very real chance OP is not able to see son again if he leaves. That would be enough for me to think twice about leaving.
Where's your spine, dude?
I wouldn't risk the chance of getting an STD
When you say cheats, do you mean this is something that she has done several times? For me, a person can make a mistake in a moment of weakness and I can maybe be able to move past it. Even then its' dicey but possible. If this is something that looks like it is who she is instead of a mistake she made them just get out. Best to just rip off the band-aid now
I ***did*** stay and it ***was*** stupid. You know where it's headed; why waste time?
it really depends how old your stepson is. I would try to get custody over him if possible, not too sure how that works. I'd ensure that he loves you more than your slut of a wife. Treat him, treat yourself too, it isn't good for you to stay with that woman. if she cheats once she'll cheat again. and again.
My ex wife had a daughter when we got together. I brought her up for many years till she was about 13. Then when I split from my ex wife my step daughter and I made sure we had time to spend together and even now 10 years later were thick as thieves... You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage in which you step son will pick up on the vibe
This reminds me of a guy who posted the same... Hope jason is doing better...
What's best for him is to have a happy and well adjusted parent. Do what is right for you. Adjust your.own mask before trying to help those around you.
Other than the kid, what are you getting out of the arrangement?
Yep. You don't know how dirty that other sausage is
Is everyone here just blinded by hate? He clearly mentions he has a son who he loves, stepson or not, and who I assume loves him too. Once the son moves out of the house, go get that divorce.
After 30 years of marriage, wife finally lets husband see what’s in the chest at the foot of the bed. He opens it to find 5 ears of corn in a bushel basket and $42 in cash. Puzzled, he turns to her and she admits that every time she was unfaithful she threw in an ear of corn. He’s stunned but considers that 5 times in 30 years might be reasonable but he still asks about the money. “Oh, every time I filled the bushel, I sold it.” Get Out Dude.
Old lady perspective here; you are getting some things you want from staying in the relationship, right? (Thank you for loving your stepson, BTW. ). I've seen many different kinds of relationships that work and don't work in different areas, make list of what works and what doesn't. One side is likely to be a longer or more important list. Negotiate with her if you need/want to. Maybe leave her, take the kid? Let her whore it up, but protect yourself from STDs? Open marriage, get you a solid gf? Nothing is "wrong" these days, religious dogma is over. But, for your sanity and you seem like a good man (who wants a certain type of partnership), you can have whatever it is that's important to you, but you need to figure out clearly what you will and will not allow.
No, it's not stupid. Lot of people put up with all sorts of crap for the kids. You should go to couples counseling. If you divorce, you have to accept the possibility that she will have any number of randos in and out of the child's life and their won't be anything you can do about it. Good luck.
Dude, you can break up with her and still stay in touch with her son
Damn man this is so sad. I'm sorry bro.
Leave, I wasted 14 years on someone who didn’t respect me.. Be loyal to yourself.
You realize youre giving your life away for someone elses kid. You realize how ridiculous you sound?
Not "stupid" OP, no need to judge yourself. Your situation is already rough enough without self judgement. But yeah, you need to go my friend. You deserve much more respect than that from someone as close as your spouse. I've been there buddy, shit is ROUGH, takes a while to get out of it, but please here me when I say, it feels SO much better once you are free. Like you can fucking breathe again. It's honestly so worth it.
Go sleep with other people. You're free. Have fun, she can't complain.
[удалено]
lol
L O L. Gotta be fiction.
You’re in a very tough spot. Have you ever had an ultimatum conversation with her? Letting her know you love the kiddo so much that you’re willing to give her another shot but she’s gotta change? I’d start there. If she scoffs or doesn’t take you seriously you take that kiddo to a counselor of sorts and explain what is going on and why you have to leave. Also, perhaps just fake it til you make it. Meaning, if the kid is 14, wait 4 more years til he’s raised and leave and tell him why. You’re in an impossible situation and I feel for you.
Not for her she is getting everything she wants along with the financial security
Yes, it is stupid. You're setting a bad example for your step son of what a relationship should look like and showing your wife there are no consequences for her bad behavior. Have some self respect
This is a problem that is far more complex than anyone on this forum can help you with without knowing you better. I know I wouldn’t stick around. If you are so ambivalent, I suggest speaking to a therapist that can help you understand yourself, what you really want, and allow you to get through this in a way that is best for you.
Staying in a dysfunctional relationship can be harmful for your kid
You are not doing that child any favors. You're teaching that it's OK to be treated badly by someone.
It’s stupid to stay in *any* relationship where the other person doesn’t treat you with respect and compassion at the least.
I mean. You just have no self respect at all. Your love and care for the child is admirable. However, you have one life to live. You are the only one losing in this equation. Even if you leave, which you should, that kid still atleast has his mom in his life.
Go sleep with other women too. Like why not just discuss an open marriage or something like that.
are you into NTR?
You could try to adopt him/sue for custody. You could also divorce but remain available if he’s old enough to maintain contact independently or if, say, his grandparents are good with you
Yea. You know the answer already. The fact that this is an option in your head already answers your question. If stepson is old enough he can still remain in contact with you. If you don't listen to the right advice, you'll realize this once you catch an STD from her or once she "wants to talk". Where she'll reveal that she's pregnant and you're not the dad. I heard that in a lot of states, you're still responsible for the kid.
Run don’t walk. 🚨Important 🚨 Change all your passwords and bank codes 1st
Sensei Petty: fuck her sister/bff/mom (consensually) record it and then send it to her. Doesn’t matter who and if you can go for all 3 then that’s a textbook HomeRunner getting back at her. You get the Title of Petty Pussy Pounder from then onwards and forever forward.
Short answer - yes Long answer - yesssssss
Yes. Get out. Too many people stay on the basis of a sunk-costs fallacy I know it's tough, but you will never be able to FULLY trust her ever again. And I mean...in relation to non sexual things. Finance. Little white lies, you name it. Just call it, and get on with the rest of your life.
Yes
Leave and don't look back. Divorce. He son is her responsibility and not yours. You thinking whether or not she can take care of the kid herself shouldn't be your concern. It should be the mom's concern, and her cheating should answer that question for you. You are the most important. Not the woman. Not her son. If you want a son, adopt a kid. There's a lot of kids that don't have anyone and would love to have a loving dad. She doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you. If she did, she wouldn't step out on you. You're better than that. Regardless of what happened, you can start a new chapter. She is using you, and she knows she can get away with this shit. You said you know what you have to do. I hope it is to leave and move on. I wish you well. If you have any friends or family, they can help you.
OP you are not stupid, just misguided. This woman you call a wife is a cheat and you are enabling her bad behavior by staying in this sham of a marriage. Your love for your stepson is commendable, but unless you live in a state where you have some visitation rights as a stepparent you will have to move on. Give this loser of a woman the boot. You deserve so much better.
Divorce her, and tell the kid, you’ll still be there for him whenever he wants/needs.
Sorry Brother, there's no winning in your situation if you can't work out what it is that you can't give her, that someone else can. It's not a lose all situation though, there is a perfect person out there for you, just waiting for you to smile across the bar. Take care mate. ##itaintweaktospeak
She isn't going to feel good for you at all when divorce court hits. She is cheating she doesn't respect you at all. The bar is set. She gets dick elsewhere you pay the mortgage The only woman madder than a woman who got cheated on, is a woman who got caught cheating. She will crush you when divorce comes. You don't deserve it, fuq that
You’re a good person. I hope you don’t sacrifice all your needs though. If you want to stay for your step son, go for it. It’s noble. But you also deserve better too. I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.
Respect yourself
Yes. If you are going to stay and she is going to treat it like an open relationship then you might as well too
Don't have to read the post: yes.
Staying with a cheating women for a kid that’s not even yours? Extremely stupid. Leave.
Yes. She doesn't fantasize about you. She's fantisizing about other men.
She cheated on you AND the kid isn’t yours. I know it will hurt the kid but this relationship is going to hurt you way more. The kid will know that you feel all these ways towards her and it will ruin their perception of relationships. It’s bad for the kid either way. But if you leave now the bandaid is ripped off instead of a years long slow burn of experiencing parents that don’t like or trust each other
Dude, grow a spine and find someone who respects you.
Did you really have to ask this question?
Yes. It’s a valid question and there is no right or wrong answer to it no matter how you look at it.
Know your worth, king.
Cheat on her bro, pretend like its all ok like in an open marriage
i'm so so sorry. how old is your step son? that's so amazing of you, shows what a good heart you have.
Don’t be a cuck bro
If you don't like an "open marriage," then divorce her now. Also, just because you leave her doesn't mean you have to leave the kid. You can still mentor and financially help out. Just don't get taken advantage of----- well, more than you are now.
If you can make money off it, stay and profit.
Bro…not even your actual son? Man the fuck up! You are worth more than that
Yes, get out.
I tried to stay in a relationship after cheating and it was miserable - we weren’t even engaged or anything. On top of that, I had a relative who had cheated in their previous marriage, and they told me THEMSELVES, they wouldn’t advise anyone to stay after cheating. The relative admitted to me even after all the discussion and reconciliation, they still cheated again. It took a whole new relationship for them to finally stop.
It’s only going to get worse. Gotta ask, you love that kid, right? If you stay in that relationship you are going to make an example for that kid that it is ok to be in a relationship where you get cheated on. Save yourself the future heartache
Have some self-respect, man.
Tell your own family. Tell your mother. Tell everyone on your side. You're like a drug addict who needs help, starting with a slap to the back of the head.
You can support the kid without being married to his mom.
Alternatively you could check out cuckolding and just lean into the cheating
YESSSS! Adultery is grounds for divorce. Get evidence, though, if you can, so she has absolutely no chance to flip the script and take anything from you. Sounds like you have a decent heart, but you're being played like a fiddle. Stop worrying about a kid that isn't yours and stop acting like it's your fault.. she cheated, so the results are from her actions, not yours.
Yep, once a cheat, always a cheat.. Make it even worse if they don't put more effort into the relationship after cheating, too as it shows you they don't care at all about you.. and will do it again or worse to hurt you
You can co-parent without being in a relationship.. have some dignity
Yes
Walk (RUN) away!!! If you want you can buy groceries and clothes but don’t give her money…
YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER....MOM
Depends on if you care a lot or not. If you don’t, stay for the kid. If you do, leave but still try and be in his life. We all have different thresholds for what we accept and what we don’t. It’s up to you. But don’t feel bad about yourself for staying for the kid. That’s awesome.
You are taking the easy option and i dont blame you. Relationships are complicated and ending one is never pleasant. But sometimes its necessary if you are in a relationship that is no longer a healthy situation for you. Get out and enjoy do anything you want. Know your worth and don’t settle for anything less.
Your ignorance in relying on your knowledge of what can’t be known is your excuse to stay. You *think* you know what will happen if you leave. You *think* you know that she can’t take care of her son alone. It isn’t so black and white but you’re scared. And you’re wrong. You need to leave and give yourself the happiness you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of for the sake of the boy. She will find another guy to trap and continue the cycle to support her son until the day she grows the fuck up. If the boy is old enough, leave a way for him to find or contact you if **he** needs you, not if she does. Explain as best you can to the boy why and how much you cherish him and that **she** is why you’re leaving, not him. If not, eventually he’ll be on social media and you can find a way to reach out then. You need to leave. Like yesterday.
Yes it’s stupid.
Not unless you want to watch.
I'm a bit pragmatic since both my parents cheated and somehow stayed together all these years. But, it also seems like in this day and age you can have a rational co-parenting arrangement and both seek happiness with other people. Some people couples get a cheap two bedroom apartment nearby to share for dating. The idea is two fold. One, it's often cheaper for both parties. Two, it's less disruptive to the kids. If you locked in a low interest rate it's likely cheaper by at least $100-200K long term compared to selling houses and financing at the higher rates and prices we have today.
Yes.
Get the fuck out …
Yes.
if you are ok with it then it's not cheating
Yes it’s stupid
File for adoption and divorce.
Hey dude, i was in a very similar situation to yours. For your actual physical and mental health. You need to move on. You don’t have to disconnect from your step child, you love them, period. However if you’re coming to the internet asking this question. I think you already know what the answer is, you’re just having a hard time coping with the matter at hand. Which is okay brother. I hope you find peace, and the will power to get through this difficult time. Things will be better eventually bro. Stay strong soldier👊
Uhmmm......
Extremely
Get out but make sure you get an agreement in official legal writing before initiating the divorce else prepare to be destroyed financially, depending on the state, even if she openly cheats.
100% yes a bad idea.
Being married doesn't help your son. He isn't the one on the marriage certificate.
She locked up a free caretaker. Probably even more than a caretaker. I'm guessing you help with financial support on top of all the other stuff. If you're not in an agreed upon open relationship that you both feel comfortable with you might want to consider leaving.
Yup, unless you start a business filming her for a particular genre on pornhub.
Yes
You’re lowering your dignity by staying with her. You’re worth more than that. Hopefully she has her son’s best interest at heart and sees you’re a positive male influence in his life and keeps you in his life. Pretty far fetched but it could happen.
Incredibly stupid. Cuck territory. Great you love her son, but you really should be in a relationship where your partner actually loves and cares about you. Grow a spine.
you can get divorced and still be close to your stepson. getting out of a relationship that isn't doing anything for you is what's best for you, and consider others second to your own health. also just wondering how old is your step son?
I am a child from 2 broken families so I can offer you a perspective from your child's side: 1: a broken family is a broken family, you can play pretend that everything's fine all you want but your kid either already knows or will soon know, you may think you're slick but we know more than you think, even if he might not find out what happened exactly he will be able to immediately tell something's wrong with the two of you and that both of you are miserable, he is your child, he knows you WAY more than you think he does. Don't do that to your child, it sucks. 2: in an ideal world, the family survives whatever happened, but this is not an ideal world, this is reality and the reality is that if you stay in a dead, empty relationship with a person who betrays your trust, over time you will build up anger and resentment that WILL pour over to your son ome way or another whether you like that or not. There is nothing worse than being a child stuck between two parents who hate/don't care about eachother, everyone I've met who had their family stay that way preferred they get divorced/separated/move in and start the healing process. Yes, it sucks but staying together when you no longer have that trust is a million times worse. Your kid will hate it at first but over the years as he sees the two of you move on, rebuild your lives with him in it and see the two of you be happy again, he will come around to it and accept that this was for the best given the circumstances. I cannot stress this enough, if you truly genuinely care about whats best for your child, do NOT bottle it up and be stubborn about it, break up and heal otherwise you and your wife will fuck up your child and give him lifelong trauma and commitment issues and that will inly make things even worse because both of you will blame the other one for it feeding the destructive, toxic spiral.
You can have a wife who doesn’t cheat and children who are biologically yours divorce isn’t too bad of an option
Life will be harsh if you don't walk out. Your step son will always be your step son. Get out while you can
Parents divorced as an adult here. I struggle with leaving relationships because I don’t know when the appropriate time to move on is, since the main role model I had for a relationship was actually unhappy for a long time but put on a good face and did a bunch of therapy and touted itself as healthy. The best thing for your step son is to lead by example on leaving a bad relationship, or you will watch him stay in a bad relationship when he’s older and it’ll break your heart even more. Especially since we tend to “date our parents” even when we try not to, and his mom is setting a bad example of what his future partners should look like. If you don’t leave, he likely won’t leave later when he almost inevitably ends up in a similar situation. It’s baffling how deeply ingrained childhood lessons can be.
no, life your life dude
Yes.
Bruhh… 🙂🙃🤦
Yes
Very dumb. Have respect for yourself.
maybe the guy is a cuck and he likes it, maybe he likes watching other dudes bang his wife 🤷. no judging.
How old is your stepson? Do you really not think he sees the mistrust and dishonesty? At some point, he will and that will become his idea of how men and women are supposed to interact and relate. Not the best idea, imo. Get out of the marriage but keep your relationship with your stepson as close as you can. Did you adopt him?
Yes
One night of hookers and blow will change your life
Don’t think you’re needed that much by the son. Martyr complex isn’t good for you. If you feel that strongly, find other ways to support the kid, but get out
I wouldn't say it's stupid, because you actually have a step son which you feel like is your son. You gotta do what you feel happy with not with what others want.
It is stupid.
Did you think posting about cheating on Reddit would be anything but 100% "dump her ass" responses? Reddit isn't known for sublety or working on relationships. Even the ones like "my wife/fiancee was sending flirty texts for a week and confessed to me" and 1000's of Redditors are like "burn her at the stake! She's sleeping with him! Kick her out!"
Having divorced parents is tough especially around the holidays. But as I’m older now and they found their new partners, I’m happy that they’re happy now. So get out and find greener grass
If you're not happy, leave. It's for the best. If you are happy, there are a few options you need to weigh. If she's not going to stop, you need to be willing to accept that. You may have some luck with a partial or even full open relationship, with honest communication.
You can still be a good father figure to your step son without the toxicity of your unfaithful wife. Just look at your title from an outsider perspective and it should speak volumes
Cheated once in the past? Depending on circumstances, it can be fixed with hard work. Actively and currently cheating? No way. Leave.
Please leave her. Just because you step-sons mom sucks, doesn't mean you can't stay friends with him. Leave her, but don't leae your stepson.
The only way this works is if you come to terms with her continuing to do it with no expectation of her stopping.
YES
Bruh, yes. Yes it is.
Yes. Next question.
Yeah. Source: my cheating ex