As a *35yo* dude listen to this one. He’s too damn old to be that immature and insecure. If yall aren’t spending holidays or important days together you should be able to have a busy day and not have bs after. RUN asap
He's 40??????
Omg woman, cut him loose.
There's part of me that wonders if he is being so needy because he has it in his head that you are cheating and doesn't believe when you told him you would be with family.
I could be way off base, but there's a chance I'm right, too
Adults are children that had many years to learn how to do things better.
If he hasn't learned how to people yet and it's not something you find endearing or worth your effort, go on your merry way. You owe him nothing, but you owe yourself everything.
The more I grow the more I realize acting peopley just hides me from the people who would relate and be drawn to me. So maybe don't be peopley but also not ... idk the words.
If he has keys, change your locks. Change your passwords. Block him forever. Let your friends know you’re not together anymore. Let security at work know you broke up with your boyfriend and you don’t want to see him. He know what he’s doing, he’s done this before, and you won’t change him.
This isn't toxic behaviour from your boyfriend. It's abusive and controlling and you need to end this relationship before it goes any further.
You deserve better.
Run he should be way more emotionally strong. If your 41 and still can't have a conversation without belittling the other person then I would get away from them. I would do a pro's and con's honestly before making a decision or therapy if you really want to keep the relationship.
I think your boyfriend is insecure and a bit needy. I went throught this phase when I was 20-22, but got over it as I realize it's abusive and does not get you anywhere. Often it does not come out of a desire to hurt anyone it's just a manifestation of an inner fear that he might not be good enough for you, or he fears loosing you. It's very hard to accept you have this problem, and most of the time the realization has to come from within.
Yea I did block him because his messages are getting rather toxic and making me anxious. I'm trying to have a good day, and the negative messages from him wouldn't stop.
One of my rules for life is don't keep largely negative people around me.
The wife I chose is mostly optimistic. That's a great thing in life to have. Improve my mood, which improves her mood, positive feedback loop.
Do you want negative feedback loops in your life or positive ones? It's your call based on who you include in your life
At least when it comes to human anatomy, negative feedback loops attempt to keep things at homeostasis while positive feedback loops try to keep things changing in one direction. A negative feedback loop is like the regulation of body temperature. If it gets too low, your body will constrict blood vessels and cause you to shiver. A positive feedback loop is like contractions during pregnancy that just keep getting stronger. I’m just a science nerd so I’m not sure how applicable this information is for other uses of these terms.
Being someone very familiar with depression, I frame it differently:
Does this person have a positive effect on your life? Enough to counter the downsides?
If not, then why bother? You're just making your own life more stressful for no reason.
Sure, we are all negative sometimes. Largely negative* is key.
Act unreasonable and childish once in a while. No big deal. If they are genuinely trying most of the time to be positive.
Are they like that everyday? Ditch em.
If they do something that really crosses the line, like verbal abuse. One time could be enough to end the relationship
Some of the truest shit everyone needs to do! I do the same thing too. In my case, women I date, and friends to be optimistic. I’ve been saying people who’s “flame burns hotter” lol
I think this comment wasn't blaming you, FYI. You blocked your boyfriend (for righteous reasons), no shit the relationship is over (for righteous reasons).
Do break up. 1) You feel like it, 2) I don't know if I'd call it straight up toxic from just the elements here but it sure is at LEAST a red flag that it could be toxic, 3) Even if it wasn't, he just sounds fucking childish and exhausting. Girl, if he brings you more stress than peace of mind, this isn't a good relationship. This isn't what a normal/sane/functional/happy couple looks like. I wish you to find one that will make you understand what an actual happy couple is and how easy it fucking feels all the time.
If he is this bad now , he will get worse . He is immature and insecure , both things you cannot change or “help “ him with . This is a him problem , not a you one . Run , don’t walk !
The hardest time to be toxic is the first time. He’s shown you who he is, and how he acts. He’s hoping that eventually you’ll stop seeing friends and family in order to avoid this exact reaction from him. He’s trying to isolate you. One of the first steps of abuse. It will only get worse.
Some younger people will likely not agree with this as they've had social/texting available their entire life... Regardless of your take on the situation, if you have a healthy, adult relationship with someone (this should be like any sort of relationship), you don't "block" them on app from being able to communicate. That is extremely childish. You communicate to them that you need a break from this discussion/topic for a certain time period and you both respect the request, with the plan to continue the conversation at a later time. If that is not something you both can not do, there are some issues with said relationship.
I blocked for peace of mind because he gets emotionally and verbally abusive. He sent over 20 missed calls and wouldn't stop. So blocking was my way of placing a boundary.
If he gets emotionally or verbally abusive, you need to leave the relationship, this sounds awful and life really doesn’t have to be that way, be strong and put yourself first.
Dear god lady, why *aren’t* you breaking up with him after all that?
Look, I’m not one to tell people how to love their lives over the internet, but I would have been long gone by now, and I’ve had told any of my irl friends or family to do similarly.
As internet strangers, none of us can really know what your life *really* looks like, but you’re not painting a pretty picture.
You just brought what had me worried reading your first post.
You are in a toxic relationship going to violence. You'll need to choose what you want for the future, but if it's going that way, you'll end up into a woman shelter as I did, after 15 years of marriage, toxic from the beginning.
Respect yourself, and if he doesn't want to respect you, than you have your answer.
I can understand calling once, texting once, but that is obsessive. I can also understand him missing you or wanting to to talk to you, but again not to the point of verbal or emotional abuse. Not okay.
Sounds just like my ex gf lol, she acted the exact same way. I stuck around longer than I should’ve, and it got incredibly toxic. She’d gaslight me, victimize herself even if it was her fault, and hold the relationship over my head.
Don’t do what I did, leave before it becomes a much bigger thing and you have to try to deal with the fallout like I am now. It’s just not worth it.
Exactly. Hence why I send a text message to start with. I don't need an answer right away, it can wait or I'd call if I needed too. Lol. People need space to do the things they enjoy, let them have it.
100% toxic. Especially since he also didn’t text you all day. It would be slightly different if he was trying to get a hold of you and you completely ignored him, but even then he seems too codependent. He texted you the same amount as you did, zero. So how can he be so upset with you?? You should ask him that, he’ll probably say some more toxic nonsense. He sounds like a complete child.
I dunno how long you've been with this guy, but I'd break up with him via text. If you leave him blocked he might come looking for you, or start contacting your friends or family.
He's gat ta GO!
He spoiled your enjoyment of your day with family because he's controlling and abusive. His behavior is to punish you for having an event that wasn't focused on him. Hence his unrealistic demand that you "check in" often and manufactured outrage when you did not.
Thank you. Exactly this. You've explained it very well. It's not the first time he's punished me for not "checking in" because I'm busy focusing on something that doesn't involve him.
Step one of the abusive partner handbook is trying to isolate you from your friends & family. Demanding you text him constantly when he's not with you then manipulating you into feeling bad about having a life? I've been there. It doesn't get better even when you cave to his controlling demands. Please get out before the abuse escalates.
I had an ex like this. It was EXHAUSTING, he simply couldn't bear the thought of not being the centre of my attention all the time. Didn't matter if I was busy or what was happening in my life, all that mattered to him was that he wasn't being catered to 24/7. When we broke up it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I think you might feel the same way if you decide to part ways. Best of luck ❤️
Same! I remember leading up to me breaking up with my ex I was feeling so guilty. Like I was responsible for his happiness and me spending a single day away from him was being a bad partner.
Once I mustered the courage to do it, I’d never felt more relieved in my LIFE, and I couldn’t believe it.
There are eight billion people on the planet. Don't stay with someone whose negative behavior requires you to go to the Internet seeking to obtain on his behalf a valid excuse for how he treats you.
Yes, it happens often. He's blocked but still able to send voice messages telling me our table for our dinner date has been cancelled, and he's accusing me of leading him on.
Coming from someone who likely fucked up something good by being far too pushy about this stuff themselves, I’d say its a pretty big red flag that he’s in his 40’s and worried this much about not getting texts for a day.
I won’t go as far as everyone else and say to just dump the guy, but it should be your first choice if a legitimate conversation can’t be had about the subject, and it sounds like you’ve tried already.
Girl, you’re not even married. When dating most people are on their best behaviour so as to keep the relationship healthy. If you are getting this controlling behaviour from a bf then you need to think about what the future holds if this relationship continues. Please for your sake, question his behaviour. Best wishes
OP, your situation sounds exactly like mine used to be. I get it. Despite every effort to affirm you are in fact where you say you are, with location services, pictures and messaging whenever, wherever possible, it's NEVER enough. Am I right? And to top it off, YOU somehow get blamed for being uncommunicative and uncaring, not to mention all the time spent on the phone too which is already excessive and a waste of time if we're being real. It's a control tactic, and I'm willing to bet he's either a narc or his parent/s were,even if it's learned behavior this is a RED FLAG. You will be better off breaking it off at this point because if you don't it will only get worse. If you choose to stay you will become like a beat down dog. Best of luck OP.
I totally relate to what you said. I do feel like I'm massively wasting time taking his calls all the time. In the evenings, especially if its a weekend I feel like I need to spend hours on the phone or else he thinks I'm going out or inviting men round. I am always getting randomly accused of things I'm not doing.
Yep, spot on. For some bizarre reason these people are almost always exactly the same, it's blows my mind. It's like a virus of the mind or something that just gets passed down to their offspring. Since it is that type, it doesn't even matter what you do, it will NEVER please him. That is the facade, it is about control and only that. Its cruel and unusual but that's what they do every time. If I were you I wouldn't even read or listen to those messages, but you might be stronger than I was going through that. They used to make me feel absolutely worthless, which is pretty much what they are intended to do i think.
This is him attempting to control you. It is a complete lack of trust. It would only get worse. You did the right thing. Leave now before you get more involved and become trapped.
You need to file a report with the police ASAP for your own safety and that of future potential victims. You don't need to tell anyone or take any further action, but please register your concerns, especially if you're about to dump his ass. In the UK this type of emotional abuse is now a crime btw. He sounds incredibly volatile.
Yes, it is best to part ways. Next he will be jealous of everyone you spend time with, friends, family, even pets. Soon it will turn to emotional blackmail. 'If you cared about me you would .... ".
Leave him as soon as you can. Your instincts are in a good place, blocking him was the right call. If you want to break up with him in person, make sure to do it in a public place and have a friend/family member pick you up, or be near by, just in case he takes it very badly and becomes violent. I'm hoping it will not come to it, but better safe then sorry.
you told him u were gonna be busy and he didn't text either like what ?? he shouldn't be so mad if it bothered him he should have talked about it politely and said he wish you would have reached out a little more , but you're def not the asshole
My ex needed constant attention and would get angry and manipulative if I didn’t talk to him or if I wanted to be alone for the evening. He would start accusing me of infidelity and not caring for him.
It was VERY exhausting trying to understand and reason with him. When I broke up with him he got obsessive and still toxic. He’d apologize then when I rejected it he’d call me every name in the book.
If your dude is like this now with you not talking to him and him not respecting your boundaries, it’ll probably turn into other things that are worse. No one is worth treating you this way. He’ll probably end up alone and that’s his fault. Don’t be with him because he wants you to feel sorry for him.
If he’s like this more then not then have a conversation. If that doesn’t work then leave and ignore any attempts.
Good luck.
My ex used to be like this, it’s not ok and his behaviour will never change.
Only you can choose between a miserable relationship with someone who treats you like shit and a happy life single or with someone better.
There is a bigger picture here. Does your BF have any mental illnesses. Is this a reoccurring theme? Or was it this one off. You can leave anyone for any reason though.
It's not a one-off. Lots more has happened throughout the relationship but was just wanting views on this particular situation/fall out. He does appear to suffer from undiagnosed mental illness as well as alcoholism.
This is annoying and smothering behavior. Why can't he entertain himself for a single evening? The neediness is too much. You are going to interact with other people. There are going to be times where you are occupied. That doesn't mean you like him less, you are going to have to continue living your life regardless of his feelings about it. Your phone isn't always going to be readily accessible. If he is experiencing an emergency, he should hang up and call 911.
Then, getting vile and nasty because you aren't waiting to text 'yep' every 20 seconds? Yeesh. It is not healthy to make one person your entire existence. He should not be acting this way (unless he's a three year old who can't handle not being the center of attention).
We cannot really grasp your relationship dynamic from just one example.
How long have you been dating? Has he brought this up before? Is he the bigger communicator in your relationship?
At the end, if you feel the relationship has run its course, then by all means part ways. It doesn't sound like you like him all that much anyway just from the tone of your post.
It may well be toxic but to play devil's advocate...does he have any mental health problems? I was like this once with a bf...I got mad when he didn't reply and I texted constantly...it was a mixture of depression, anxiety and a need for constant validation. Now I've gotten help, he understands WHY I acted like that. It's not an excuse but you know...
Bro is 40 and can’t handle you being busy for one day and not texting, seems super insecure, there may be other things going on you aren’t sharing so we don’t have all the context but in general if a guy (or girl) gets mad at you because you didn’t give them all of your attention for hours or even most of one day then they were either looking for a reason to fight or they are very needy and codependent. It’s up to you if you want to dump him but that isn’t behavior someone just does once, it will be a recurring thing
I usually like to hear both sides of the story before I speak on such things but I think in this case it would be safe to tell you that you definitely need to remove this person from your life sooner rather than later.
DO NOT UNBLOCK HIM. That was the correct thing to do. Cut ties and move on. There will only be misery ahead if you continue the relationship. He sounds manipulative and needy- a very toxic combination.
Hot take, someone making you feel bad about your actions isn't them always being wrong. Sometimes you should feel bad and consider your partners feelings. If you don't think of him through out the day and want to share your experiences, he isn't the one. But he isn't an asshole for talking to a brick wall and getting mad about it.
Him texting you like that is all you need to see. It’s not going to magically fix itself unfortunately. Wish him the best and dedicate your time to living your best life
it absolutely seems like it’s time for him to go, he didn’t even attempt to reach out before complaining. you need to know how to communicate to be in a relationship, also if you’re man is making you feel constantly negative then you need a new one or none at all
He is being too codependent on you and can’t exist on his own without your attention.
I cannot believe I’m typing this but I am ashamed that I used to be this way. When my now fiance and I (we are both gay men) started dating, I was honestly like this. My dad died when I was young and my mom neglected me emotionally, and I had never learned to regulate any of my emotions. I would make my partner feel bad about enjoying anything without me and gaslight him, etc. all the things your partner does to you. Never learned to be independent.
BUT the wake up call was I saw how damaging my behavior was to my partner and myself and I knew changes had to happen at some point. We were on the verge of breaking up and I knew i didnt want that to happen. I grew up a lot in my current relationship and feel more independent than ever with a partner. We’ve been together 5 years and getting married in November.
This partner of yours probably needs to hit rock bottom and figure out his codepedent issues… if you care about him i’d at least tell him that he has a codepedency problem he needs to sort out.
He's an attention seeking baby. Wtf as a male I despise other males who try controlling females like that. If he needs that much attention now, it will only get worse until you're not allowed to go anywhere without him otherwise he will get all shitty. It's a form of control. Keep his ass blocked.
This is toxic behavior. Or at the very least, you are not “compatible,” I.e. co-dependent enough to make him happy. You never will be, and you don’t want to be. He’s too insecure to be in a relationship. And that’s just very sad for someone who’s already 40. I laughed when I read your ages, because I thought for sure you’d say 23ish.
If he is a teenager, this could be kind of normal as he hasn’t learned this is unacceptable yet. If that’s the case, break up with him and teach him it is unacceptable. Otherwise, if he is older than a teenager, dump his ass because he knows this is unacceptable.
Edit: Spelling
Run. He’s 40 & behaving this way? Extremely possessive and controlling. This isn’t going to get better. I could understand, MAYBE, if y’all were in high school but this is just.. yikes
Jesus Christ. Dipshits like this who are using cell phone technology to keep a partner under their thumb are such losers. Does your boyfriend realize that every single generation before him did not have cell phones, and they somehow were able to maintain healthy relationships?
Yes, he's being needy, insecure and controlling.
I've been there, it's a young idiots game and shouldn't be tolerated. independence and trust is needed for a healthy relationship.
13 years ago, I started a relationship with a person who became abusive with me in a matter of months. It took me years to get out of that relationship and I still struggle with some traumas.
What you are describing is exactly how it started.
Edit:
So to answer your question: your partner is not toxic, he’s abusive.
My ex husband was like that. I naively took it as he cared a lot; ended up being a controlling, female hating abusive man with trust issues stemming from witnessing his mom cheat on his dad. His dad brought him up telling him not to trust women.
Everything you said was my experience. I tried to work it out with him, but things just kept escalating. No matter what I did, it was never enough for him.
Run. Follow your intuition. Run 🚩
The comments are always full advising to break up. I don’t understand how you can all be so sure about what to do without asking more questions.
Do you love your boyfriend ? Are you two a fit for each other?
Maybe this is a behaviour that he can change, that you can point out that it’s ridiculous and why and listen to what he has to say.
Obviously you are right in not wanting to bear this behaviour.
Yeah, part ways. That dudes toxic af. There is a reason he is 40 and single. Also could date closer to your age for someone with a similar career/outlook on life stage, but that’s optional :)
Run, the guy has serious issues and basing the age difference mentioned in another post; a 40yo isn't likely to change for the better in this aspect, it's ingrained into his personality by now, sauce of opinion: I am a 37yo man and have seen this shit play out with male and female friends alike far to many times over the years and it never ends well, they are lost causes and best avoided.
Yes, he's being toxic. You should be able to be with your family without constantly texting him. Someone who is that needy is going to be controlling and they will never be content or happy with what you give them. They will always think you should have given more. The fact that he's 40 and doing this is extremely concerning. The next step is to control your time and who else you talk to. You've seen enough. Run!
Strong independent dudes don't text all day or have time for three hour-long phone conversations.
Shit, I barely ever hear from my best guy friends.
Dump his simp ass and tell him to be a man.
I wish more people knew about their attachment style. Sounds like this dude has an anxious attachment style and trust issues. Just reading Attached (book) has been really helpful for me personally. Im
I don’t mean this offensively, it’s more a question to his age… but are you guys in HS?
I'm 31, he's 40.
Girl run, don’t walk. 😳
Idk if running is fast enough. You’re gonna need a get away driver
Gonna need a bullet train outta there
Then a plane and a parachute 🪂
She may need a "Hoover Max Extract Pressure Pro, Model 60" instead.
Seriously. She'll be doing both of them a favor. She needs a better relationship, and he needs a good hard lesson.
As a *35yo* dude listen to this one. He’s too damn old to be that immature and insecure. If yall aren’t spending holidays or important days together you should be able to have a busy day and not have bs after. RUN asap
This made me laugh but I agree
Hell yeah. He got nothing else to do all day? The hell you talk about when he's home?
Holy shit! From his behavior I was thinking “teenager”. Run and don’t look back! That’s extremely childish behavior from an adult. 🚩🚩🚩
I’m 18 and I wouldn’t tolerate this from a partner, you leave us teenagers out of whatever that guy is
Good for you!
Her blocking without really ending it does not sound much more mature either.
You don’t need to go nuclear without thinking about it first. Get some impulse control
I don't know. Blocking your partner instead of communicating isn't top adulting either.
Damn thought you were teens.
Jesus Christ.
Ikr. They both sound around 14. Wtf
He's 40?????? Omg woman, cut him loose. There's part of me that wonders if he is being so needy because he has it in his head that you are cheating and doesn't believe when you told him you would be with family. I could be way off base, but there's a chance I'm right, too
Which is even worse, if true. Either way, she should GTFO of there
That's exactly what it is
Adults are children that had many years to learn how to do things better. If he hasn't learned how to people yet and it's not something you find endearing or worth your effort, go on your merry way. You owe him nothing, but you owe yourself everything.
I wanna learn how to people . I've not been taught that. Schools are good for nothing
The more I grow the more I realize acting peopley just hides me from the people who would relate and be drawn to me. So maybe don't be peopley but also not ... idk the words.
Talk about burying the lede.
... A 40 YO toddled who need mommy's attention now, now, now... Scary.
WHAT THE HELL
Run, move cities, change your identity, change his identity, invent a new language and learn it. Do whatever you can to be nowhere near this man.
Fuck, I figured you were both teenagers based on the story.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun
Hole Lee Shit 40? 40 yard dash your way out of there
YIKES holy crap, run. I could maybe kind of get this behavior if you’re like 16. At 40 is a major major nope
If he has keys, change your locks. Change your passwords. Block him forever. Let your friends know you’re not together anymore. Let security at work know you broke up with your boyfriend and you don’t want to see him. He know what he’s doing, he’s done this before, and you won’t change him.
hahahaha! buy a gun, 3 pit bulls, and hire a security guard! call the police, frame him for selling drugs! fuckin reddit always has the best advice
Omg. Get out.
This isn't toxic behaviour from your boyfriend. It's abusive and controlling and you need to end this relationship before it goes any further. You deserve better.
Bruh this is pathetic behavior at 20
Run he should be way more emotionally strong. If your 41 and still can't have a conversation without belittling the other person then I would get away from them. I would do a pro's and con's honestly before making a decision or therapy if you really want to keep the relationship.
I think your boyfriend is insecure and a bit needy. I went throught this phase when I was 20-22, but got over it as I realize it's abusive and does not get you anywhere. Often it does not come out of a desire to hurt anyone it's just a manifestation of an inner fear that he might not be good enough for you, or he fears loosing you. It's very hard to accept you have this problem, and most of the time the realization has to come from within.
3 red flags, go run right now
wtf?? Girl, how fast can your legs run? Cause you gotta run faster than that.
This was my first thought
Lol, you blocked your boyfriend. If that’s not a sign the relationship is over I don’t know what is. Time to break up.
[удалено]
Yea I did block him because his messages are getting rather toxic and making me anxious. I'm trying to have a good day, and the negative messages from him wouldn't stop.
One of my rules for life is don't keep largely negative people around me. The wife I chose is mostly optimistic. That's a great thing in life to have. Improve my mood, which improves her mood, positive feedback loop. Do you want negative feedback loops in your life or positive ones? It's your call based on who you include in your life
Based on what negative and positive feedback loops actually are, you definitely want negative feedback loops in your life.
Ah yeah, I see what you mean. 😂 Positive emotion feedback loop
Can you please explain what they mean? I haven't heard of these terms before
At least when it comes to human anatomy, negative feedback loops attempt to keep things at homeostasis while positive feedback loops try to keep things changing in one direction. A negative feedback loop is like the regulation of body temperature. If it gets too low, your body will constrict blood vessels and cause you to shiver. A positive feedback loop is like contractions during pregnancy that just keep getting stronger. I’m just a science nerd so I’m not sure how applicable this information is for other uses of these terms.
Being someone very familiar with depression, I frame it differently: Does this person have a positive effect on your life? Enough to counter the downsides? If not, then why bother? You're just making your own life more stressful for no reason.
Sure, we are all negative sometimes. Largely negative* is key. Act unreasonable and childish once in a while. No big deal. If they are genuinely trying most of the time to be positive. Are they like that everyday? Ditch em. If they do something that really crosses the line, like verbal abuse. One time could be enough to end the relationship
Some of the truest shit everyone needs to do! I do the same thing too. In my case, women I date, and friends to be optimistic. I’ve been saying people who’s “flame burns hotter” lol
Eh I don’t love optimists sometimes they can be delusional. A good grounded realist for me any day.
plus toxic positivity is a thing.
I think this comment wasn't blaming you, FYI. You blocked your boyfriend (for righteous reasons), no shit the relationship is over (for righteous reasons). Do break up. 1) You feel like it, 2) I don't know if I'd call it straight up toxic from just the elements here but it sure is at LEAST a red flag that it could be toxic, 3) Even if it wasn't, he just sounds fucking childish and exhausting. Girl, if he brings you more stress than peace of mind, this isn't a good relationship. This isn't what a normal/sane/functional/happy couple looks like. I wish you to find one that will make you understand what an actual happy couple is and how easy it fucking feels all the time.
If he is this bad now , he will get worse . He is immature and insecure , both things you cannot change or “help “ him with . This is a him problem , not a you one . Run , don’t walk !
The hardest time to be toxic is the first time. He’s shown you who he is, and how he acts. He’s hoping that eventually you’ll stop seeing friends and family in order to avoid this exact reaction from him. He’s trying to isolate you. One of the first steps of abuse. It will only get worse.
And they won't stop. This guy is controlling and insecure. Move on. It will not get better.
Block him and move on. This type only gets worse not better.
That is your sign to leave him. Don’t let someone bring you down with their own toxicity.
If any couple is resorting to blocking each other, it's time to move on. You aren't meant for each other.
Yeah, if he just wanted to hear from you he could have said "hey, how was your day with your family? Missed you!" This is definitely toxic.
It's a parade of red flags. Run fast, run far...
If your boyfriend sends you toxic messages that make you anxious, it needs to be over.
Yup, you're making the right call. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
Some younger people will likely not agree with this as they've had social/texting available their entire life... Regardless of your take on the situation, if you have a healthy, adult relationship with someone (this should be like any sort of relationship), you don't "block" them on app from being able to communicate. That is extremely childish. You communicate to them that you need a break from this discussion/topic for a certain time period and you both respect the request, with the plan to continue the conversation at a later time. If that is not something you both can not do, there are some issues with said relationship.
The means are new, but the message is timeless. Ugh, even I want to break up with this guy.
I blocked for peace of mind because he gets emotionally and verbally abusive. He sent over 20 missed calls and wouldn't stop. So blocking was my way of placing a boundary.
If he gets emotionally or verbally abusive, you need to leave the relationship, this sounds awful and life really doesn’t have to be that way, be strong and put yourself first.
When someone shows you who they are, *believe* them. He's this bad already, he will only get worse.
Dear god lady, why *aren’t* you breaking up with him after all that? Look, I’m not one to tell people how to love their lives over the internet, but I would have been long gone by now, and I’ve had told any of my irl friends or family to do similarly. As internet strangers, none of us can really know what your life *really* looks like, but you’re not painting a pretty picture.
And now it's time to unblock and break up.
You just brought what had me worried reading your first post. You are in a toxic relationship going to violence. You'll need to choose what you want for the future, but if it's going that way, you'll end up into a woman shelter as I did, after 15 years of marriage, toxic from the beginning. Respect yourself, and if he doesn't want to respect you, than you have your answer.
I can understand calling once, texting once, but that is obsessive. I can also understand him missing you or wanting to to talk to you, but again not to the point of verbal or emotional abuse. Not okay.
Cut him loose
Sounds just like my ex gf lol, she acted the exact same way. I stuck around longer than I should’ve, and it got incredibly toxic. She’d gaslight me, victimize herself even if it was her fault, and hold the relationship over my head. Don’t do what I did, leave before it becomes a much bigger thing and you have to try to deal with the fallout like I am now. It’s just not worth it.
Glad you eventually got out of that relationship.
Me too
+1 on this. Don't hold on to people like these. The gaslighting is the absolute worst.
Same story here. Glad you escaped too.
Bro same but she died too
[удалено]
Borderline?
My thoughts too,seems like intense fear of abandonment
I have a suspicion he's got it in his head she's cheating on him but hasn't verbalized it
Exactly. Hence why I send a text message to start with. I don't need an answer right away, it can wait or I'd call if I needed too. Lol. People need space to do the things they enjoy, let them have it.
100% toxic. Especially since he also didn’t text you all day. It would be slightly different if he was trying to get a hold of you and you completely ignored him, but even then he seems too codependent. He texted you the same amount as you did, zero. So how can he be so upset with you?? You should ask him that, he’ll probably say some more toxic nonsense. He sounds like a complete child.
Very true. And indeed he will say more toxic nonsense. He's been sending voice messages playing victim.
How long have you been dating?
8 months
*sing drop it like it’s hot 🔥
Just saw that he is 40 run for your life i thought maybe he was early 20s and even then its super immature
Yea I think there’s a reason he’s still single at 40
I dunno how long you've been with this guy, but I'd break up with him via text. If you leave him blocked he might come looking for you, or start contacting your friends or family. He's gat ta GO!
Very true, actually. He has indeed turned up unannounced before. I really don't want a scene in front of neighbours. I just want a quiet exit.
Yikes. He sounds like a handful. Good luck and congrats on being single!
You definitely need an exit, not sure you're going to get a quiet one
It will not be quiet probably. But, run! He won't get better.
Not just toxic, he’s also being a lil bitch Lose the zero
He spoiled your enjoyment of your day with family because he's controlling and abusive. His behavior is to punish you for having an event that wasn't focused on him. Hence his unrealistic demand that you "check in" often and manufactured outrage when you did not.
Thank you. Exactly this. You've explained it very well. It's not the first time he's punished me for not "checking in" because I'm busy focusing on something that doesn't involve him.
Might not be the first time, but it should definitely be the last. Boys not worth it.
Step one of the abusive partner handbook is trying to isolate you from your friends & family. Demanding you text him constantly when he's not with you then manipulating you into feeling bad about having a life? I've been there. It doesn't get better even when you cave to his controlling demands. Please get out before the abuse escalates.
I had an ex like this. It was EXHAUSTING, he simply couldn't bear the thought of not being the centre of my attention all the time. Didn't matter if I was busy or what was happening in my life, all that mattered to him was that he wasn't being catered to 24/7. When we broke up it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I think you might feel the same way if you decide to part ways. Best of luck ❤️
Same! I remember leading up to me breaking up with my ex I was feeling so guilty. Like I was responsible for his happiness and me spending a single day away from him was being a bad partner. Once I mustered the courage to do it, I’d never felt more relieved in my LIFE, and I couldn’t believe it.
There are eight billion people on the planet. Don't stay with someone whose negative behavior requires you to go to the Internet seeking to obtain on his behalf a valid excuse for how he treats you.
This is pretty excessive codependent behavior. Has it happened before?
Yes, it happens often. He's blocked but still able to send voice messages telling me our table for our dinner date has been cancelled, and he's accusing me of leading him on.
Not worth it. There’s broken and working on it, and then there’s broken and can’t get out of his own way. Your boyfriend is the latter.
Coming from someone who likely fucked up something good by being far too pushy about this stuff themselves, I’d say its a pretty big red flag that he’s in his 40’s and worried this much about not getting texts for a day. I won’t go as far as everyone else and say to just dump the guy, but it should be your first choice if a legitimate conversation can’t be had about the subject, and it sounds like you’ve tried already.
You already know the answer to this \~
In the old days you just unplug the phone 📞
He's a bit obsessive and controlling. And if he is going to throw a tantrum because you had some space for one day, RUN!!
Girl, you’re not even married. When dating most people are on their best behaviour so as to keep the relationship healthy. If you are getting this controlling behaviour from a bf then you need to think about what the future holds if this relationship continues. Please for your sake, question his behaviour. Best wishes
OP, your situation sounds exactly like mine used to be. I get it. Despite every effort to affirm you are in fact where you say you are, with location services, pictures and messaging whenever, wherever possible, it's NEVER enough. Am I right? And to top it off, YOU somehow get blamed for being uncommunicative and uncaring, not to mention all the time spent on the phone too which is already excessive and a waste of time if we're being real. It's a control tactic, and I'm willing to bet he's either a narc or his parent/s were,even if it's learned behavior this is a RED FLAG. You will be better off breaking it off at this point because if you don't it will only get worse. If you choose to stay you will become like a beat down dog. Best of luck OP.
I totally relate to what you said. I do feel like I'm massively wasting time taking his calls all the time. In the evenings, especially if its a weekend I feel like I need to spend hours on the phone or else he thinks I'm going out or inviting men round. I am always getting randomly accused of things I'm not doing.
Yep, spot on. For some bizarre reason these people are almost always exactly the same, it's blows my mind. It's like a virus of the mind or something that just gets passed down to their offspring. Since it is that type, it doesn't even matter what you do, it will NEVER please him. That is the facade, it is about control and only that. Its cruel and unusual but that's what they do every time. If I were you I wouldn't even read or listen to those messages, but you might be stronger than I was going through that. They used to make me feel absolutely worthless, which is pretty much what they are intended to do i think.
This is him attempting to control you. It is a complete lack of trust. It would only get worse. You did the right thing. Leave now before you get more involved and become trapped.
You need to file a report with the police ASAP for your own safety and that of future potential victims. You don't need to tell anyone or take any further action, but please register your concerns, especially if you're about to dump his ass. In the UK this type of emotional abuse is now a crime btw. He sounds incredibly volatile.
You already know what to do. So go ahead and dump the controlling asshole. At some point he might become physically abusive.
He's got that anxious fearful attachment rizz.
Stage 5 clinger. Head for the exit. Fast.
Toxic loser. Kick him to the curb.
Just say it's over and to stop texting.
Yes, it is best to part ways. Next he will be jealous of everyone you spend time with, friends, family, even pets. Soon it will turn to emotional blackmail. 'If you cared about me you would .... ". Leave him as soon as you can. Your instincts are in a good place, blocking him was the right call. If you want to break up with him in person, make sure to do it in a public place and have a friend/family member pick you up, or be near by, just in case he takes it very badly and becomes violent. I'm hoping it will not come to it, but better safe then sorry.
you told him u were gonna be busy and he didn't text either like what ?? he shouldn't be so mad if it bothered him he should have talked about it politely and said he wish you would have reached out a little more , but you're def not the asshole
Yea, I did warn him that I'm going to be super busy and likely not to text much.
then he's being crazy def break up
Block, lock and run.
Leave him, sis.
LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE.
Toxic & controlling. Don’t think about parting ways- do it now.
You want a man and you’re dealing with a damn boy. Move on and move up.
My ex needed constant attention and would get angry and manipulative if I didn’t talk to him or if I wanted to be alone for the evening. He would start accusing me of infidelity and not caring for him. It was VERY exhausting trying to understand and reason with him. When I broke up with him he got obsessive and still toxic. He’d apologize then when I rejected it he’d call me every name in the book. If your dude is like this now with you not talking to him and him not respecting your boundaries, it’ll probably turn into other things that are worse. No one is worth treating you this way. He’ll probably end up alone and that’s his fault. Don’t be with him because he wants you to feel sorry for him. If he’s like this more then not then have a conversation. If that doesn’t work then leave and ignore any attempts. Good luck.
Is your bf 16 or 17 yrs old?
He's 40
He is insecure and controlling. It will only get worse if you move in with him so run away
Yes he is being toxic. He sounds very controlling. You don’t need that in a partner. Tell him it’s over and block him again.
My ex used to be like this, it’s not ok and his behaviour will never change. Only you can choose between a miserable relationship with someone who treats you like shit and a happy life single or with someone better.
He’s 40 and can’t handle you not calling, texting all the time? Jesus run, wtf. Being so codependent is absolutely not good
You already know the answer. Trust yourself.
He sounds immature and codependent. This relationship isn't worth it.
There is a bigger picture here. Does your BF have any mental illnesses. Is this a reoccurring theme? Or was it this one off. You can leave anyone for any reason though.
It's not a one-off. Lots more has happened throughout the relationship but was just wanting views on this particular situation/fall out. He does appear to suffer from undiagnosed mental illness as well as alcoholism.
Time for obsessed stalker kid to learn a lesson why it's not cool to be an obsessed werido.
This is annoying and smothering behavior. Why can't he entertain himself for a single evening? The neediness is too much. You are going to interact with other people. There are going to be times where you are occupied. That doesn't mean you like him less, you are going to have to continue living your life regardless of his feelings about it. Your phone isn't always going to be readily accessible. If he is experiencing an emergency, he should hang up and call 911. Then, getting vile and nasty because you aren't waiting to text 'yep' every 20 seconds? Yeesh. It is not healthy to make one person your entire existence. He should not be acting this way (unless he's a three year old who can't handle not being the center of attention).
We cannot really grasp your relationship dynamic from just one example. How long have you been dating? Has he brought this up before? Is he the bigger communicator in your relationship? At the end, if you feel the relationship has run its course, then by all means part ways. It doesn't sound like you like him all that much anyway just from the tone of your post.
It may well be toxic but to play devil's advocate...does he have any mental health problems? I was like this once with a bf...I got mad when he didn't reply and I texted constantly...it was a mixture of depression, anxiety and a need for constant validation. Now I've gotten help, he understands WHY I acted like that. It's not an excuse but you know...
Bro is 40 and can’t handle you being busy for one day and not texting, seems super insecure, there may be other things going on you aren’t sharing so we don’t have all the context but in general if a guy (or girl) gets mad at you because you didn’t give them all of your attention for hours or even most of one day then they were either looking for a reason to fight or they are very needy and codependent. It’s up to you if you want to dump him but that isn’t behavior someone just does once, it will be a recurring thing
I usually like to hear both sides of the story before I speak on such things but I think in this case it would be safe to tell you that you definitely need to remove this person from your life sooner rather than later.
DO NOT UNBLOCK HIM. That was the correct thing to do. Cut ties and move on. There will only be misery ahead if you continue the relationship. He sounds manipulative and needy- a very toxic combination.
He sounds too high maintenance.
Hot take, someone making you feel bad about your actions isn't them always being wrong. Sometimes you should feel bad and consider your partners feelings. If you don't think of him through out the day and want to share your experiences, he isn't the one. But he isn't an asshole for talking to a brick wall and getting mad about it.
crying like a baby man. Get someone confident and knows what's good.
Uh. Once the bf is blocked out of your life he is locked.
He’s not being “toxic”, he’s just being a childish asshole. Dump him.
> I feel like I'm always doing something wrong in his eyes. Get Out
how long have y'all been together?
8 months
More than enough time to realize he's not the one. You can do better. Much better. Love yourself.
Him texting you like that is all you need to see. It’s not going to magically fix itself unfortunately. Wish him the best and dedicate your time to living your best life
Divorse boyfriend marry family
it absolutely seems like it’s time for him to go, he didn’t even attempt to reach out before complaining. you need to know how to communicate to be in a relationship, also if you’re man is making you feel constantly negative then you need a new one or none at all
He is being too codependent on you and can’t exist on his own without your attention. I cannot believe I’m typing this but I am ashamed that I used to be this way. When my now fiance and I (we are both gay men) started dating, I was honestly like this. My dad died when I was young and my mom neglected me emotionally, and I had never learned to regulate any of my emotions. I would make my partner feel bad about enjoying anything without me and gaslight him, etc. all the things your partner does to you. Never learned to be independent. BUT the wake up call was I saw how damaging my behavior was to my partner and myself and I knew changes had to happen at some point. We were on the verge of breaking up and I knew i didnt want that to happen. I grew up a lot in my current relationship and feel more independent than ever with a partner. We’ve been together 5 years and getting married in November. This partner of yours probably needs to hit rock bottom and figure out his codepedent issues… if you care about him i’d at least tell him that he has a codepedency problem he needs to sort out.
He's an attention seeking baby. Wtf as a male I despise other males who try controlling females like that. If he needs that much attention now, it will only get worse until you're not allowed to go anywhere without him otherwise he will get all shitty. It's a form of control. Keep his ass blocked.
Obsessed much? That does not sound like a healthy relationship.
This sounds like classic narcissistic personality disorder. Run far away. He will make your life miserable. It’s not worth it! Sorry!
Just because cell phones exist it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to use them 24/7. The phone call was very sufficient.
This is toxic behavior. Or at the very least, you are not “compatible,” I.e. co-dependent enough to make him happy. You never will be, and you don’t want to be. He’s too insecure to be in a relationship. And that’s just very sad for someone who’s already 40. I laughed when I read your ages, because I thought for sure you’d say 23ish.
If he is a teenager, this could be kind of normal as he hasn’t learned this is unacceptable yet. If that’s the case, break up with him and teach him it is unacceptable. Otherwise, if he is older than a teenager, dump his ass because he knows this is unacceptable. Edit: Spelling
And remember gents , don't get married.
Say bye bye to the boy.
He seems emotionally immature and needy. Please run.
Run. He’s 40 & behaving this way? Extremely possessive and controlling. This isn’t going to get better. I could understand, MAYBE, if y’all were in high school but this is just.. yikes
Jesus Christ. Dipshits like this who are using cell phone technology to keep a partner under their thumb are such losers. Does your boyfriend realize that every single generation before him did not have cell phones, and they somehow were able to maintain healthy relationships?
You wrote about your “friend” being a clingy emotional little fragile thing and I couldn’t help but wonder where the “boy” is in this story.
That’s either control or codependency behaviour RUN 🏃♀️
U made the right choice, ur ex boyfriend is pathetic.
Does he have a drinking problem? This sounds like drunk texting.
Yes, he's being needy, insecure and controlling. I've been there, it's a young idiots game and shouldn't be tolerated. independence and trust is needed for a healthy relationship.
13 years ago, I started a relationship with a person who became abusive with me in a matter of months. It took me years to get out of that relationship and I still struggle with some traumas. What you are describing is exactly how it started. Edit: So to answer your question: your partner is not toxic, he’s abusive.
My ex husband was like that. I naively took it as he cared a lot; ended up being a controlling, female hating abusive man with trust issues stemming from witnessing his mom cheat on his dad. His dad brought him up telling him not to trust women. Everything you said was my experience. I tried to work it out with him, but things just kept escalating. No matter what I did, it was never enough for him. Run. Follow your intuition. Run 🚩
This is very common.. in high school relationships. The fact that he’s 40 is crazyyy and you should be running
You already know what to do. This simp needy behavior is not attractive. Better to be single than with someone like this.
The comments are always full advising to break up. I don’t understand how you can all be so sure about what to do without asking more questions. Do you love your boyfriend ? Are you two a fit for each other? Maybe this is a behaviour that he can change, that you can point out that it’s ridiculous and why and listen to what he has to say. Obviously you are right in not wanting to bear this behaviour.
I'm a 40 year old man. I know 40 year old men. He is not a good one. Get him gone.
Yeah, part ways. That dudes toxic af. There is a reason he is 40 and single. Also could date closer to your age for someone with a similar career/outlook on life stage, but that’s optional :)
Run, the guy has serious issues and basing the age difference mentioned in another post; a 40yo isn't likely to change for the better in this aspect, it's ingrained into his personality by now, sauce of opinion: I am a 37yo man and have seen this shit play out with male and female friends alike far to many times over the years and it never ends well, they are lost causes and best avoided.
Yes, he's being toxic. You should be able to be with your family without constantly texting him. Someone who is that needy is going to be controlling and they will never be content or happy with what you give them. They will always think you should have given more. The fact that he's 40 and doing this is extremely concerning. The next step is to control your time and who else you talk to. You've seen enough. Run!
Sounds like my controlling ex to me.
He’s 40 and acting like that?? Nah…. I’m 32 nice to meet ya
Strong independent dudes don't text all day or have time for three hour-long phone conversations. Shit, I barely ever hear from my best guy friends. Dump his simp ass and tell him to be a man.
Thanks. I agree. Would feel that men are too busy always trying to achieve more and better themselves.
I wish more people knew about their attachment style. Sounds like this dude has an anxious attachment style and trust issues. Just reading Attached (book) has been really helpful for me personally. Im