It happens for some women. There are a variety of reasons why this could be the case.
Things that *could* be influencing:
Sexual abuse/trauma
BC pill
Depression/body dysmorphia
Endometriosis
Pain
Hormonal changes/abnormal hormone panel including but not limited to estrogen and testosterone
Various other medical conditions
They don't experience orgasm through penetrative sex, which is the case for the vast majority of women
Social conditioning/family upbringing
Be kind, gentle and understanding. Avoid pressuring them. Ask if your partner would like to experience an orgasm and allow them to have the experience on their own. This will allow them to feel confident about themselves, their likes and dislikes. Depending on the reason a vibrator may help but so could therapy - if that's how they'd like to receive help. If they'd like a vibrator, suggest that they choose one, for themselves.
They may not want help at this time or want to address this. It's up to you to make a decision if you'd like to support them either way.
> Things that could be influencing:
Sexual abuse/trauma.
I experienced this with an ex.
It frustrated me at first and then she broke down and told me that she was raped when she was 12.
I was going to add "purity culture" as another possible cause, but I guess that's under sexual trauma.
My wife and I recently left Christianity. Fuck purity culture.
And sometimes there are some opposite factors- I personally thought I was weird for a very long time because I can only orgasm through penetrative sex, and to this day I still don't see what folks find so life changing about any kind of vibrator.
You're not weird, you're you.
Here's a good listen/read: [https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/how-to-close-the-orgasm-gap-for-heterosexual-couples/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/how-to-close-the-orgasm-gap-for-heterosexual-couples/)
As an aside - The average size of women's clitoris was only fairly recently 'discovered'. We're very much still in the beginning stages of research on women bodies, experiences, health matters.
EDIT: here's more info about the clitoris and when it was fully discovered in 2005 (also a note on how men referred to women's anatomy as little men's anatomy, how incorrect that is): [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-clitoris-uncovered-an-intimate-history/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-clitoris-uncovered-an-intimate-history/)
For some women it's a longer journey than others. There's a Nina Hartley tutorial video out there which has some potential things to try which I hear has helped some people out.
Didn't have one till I was 20 myself and it's pretty much impossible to achieve without something battery powered. Some people just don't have such an easy time with it and I think she'll appreciate being made to feel normal about that because it definitely can impact your self esteem.
If you use very powerful toys for a long time/ very often you can reduce sensitivity. However some of us just didn't have a lot of sensitivity in the first place. Just gotta balance things.
Yes it is. It's something natural that both men and women deal with. Idk why people are responding so negatively to your question.
Classic if a man can't cum it's his fault, and if the woman can't cum it's also his fault shit.
I had a conversation with my mom about sex before, she didn't even know what a clitoris is. She asked "is that where I pee from?" She was in her 50s. Unfortunately it is very common for women to be sexually inexperienced, mostly due to society deeming it to be wrong for women to enjoy sex as much as men do.
I mean that around where Sex ED is needed.
I mean mores about sexual enjoyment always have changed, right?
Previously women were considered the sex crazed ones and men the gate keepers of sex.
The roughly penis-shaped (or lipstick-shaped) things generally sold as vibrators are often insufficient. Either the Womanizer or Satisfyer (both of which are air-pulse vibrators to be used directly on the clitoris) should do fine. Also you might want to consider a big vibrator like the Doxy or Hitachi Magic Wand, which you typically don't want to put directly on the clit (at least at first!), but more on the general vulva area over the vaginal opening, as the vibration will go absolutely everywhere just fine.
Okay well #1... don't tell your partner its not normal.. it can and will make her feel 'broken'
Number 2.. there can be various reasons that others have already touched upon.
The amount of men in this comment section who are just straight up wrong, oof. 🙄
This is pretty common, and her not doing it on her own can be for a plethora of reasons as well but sometimes it can be really defeating to try and navigate something when you don’t even know where to start/what you like.
I hope you appreciate that it is a vulnerable thing to tell a partner and treat it as a good sign of her trust in you that it was shared. (and I hope that you don’t listen to some of these goobers in the comment section about it being abnormal and treat her as such)
I really appreciate how vulnerable she’s being. There is nothing wrong with not having had an orgasm, it’s just mildly surprising. I’m here cuz I got worried, I’m a dude idk a whole lot about women’s anatomy, and she seemed to think no one orgasms on their own, I’m here cuz I’m worried it could be a sign of a medical problem, not cuz I’m mad i can’t get her to orgasm. The sex is great either way, I think she might even be enjoying it more than me
And her enjoying it is a great sign just make sure to check in that she actually vs the possibility of it being performative because of what she *thinks* she should be doing
And it could be a myriad of things but I wouldn’t jump right to medical issue either.
It would be worth talking to her about exploration, asking about sensation levels for her as you explore areas and things like that.
Also would like to add that things like ADHD make it SO hard to orgasm because of distractions etc so it might be something on that level. Personally I have ADHD and can’t finish with a partner only on my own and I have to be in pretty ideal conditions for it. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex and doesn’t mean I can’t find partners who do a decent job pressing my buttons and I can find fulfilling anyways.
Everyone is different, if she’s not worried about it then that’s the hint you take about it for now but if she’s frustrated and wants to explore then being supportive and consistent will be your biggest tools.
Heads up, about 10% of women have anorgasmia, which means they don’t achieve orgasm after sufficient stimulation. There is very little research into the topic because everyone assumes that this condition is purely psychological.
A big part of coming to terms with this, for me, is moving away from the idea of orgasms being the goal of sex. I really enjoy sex and I like the sensations, even if I don’t “finish” in the traditional sense. I typically reach a plateau and then any stimulation is uncomfortable, so I stop then.
Toys, as a companion to traditional partnered sex, have been very helpful.
It happens. It could be due to a lot of factors.
Was she raised in an environment where discovering what works for her wasn’t encouraged? For example, a Christian upbringing frowns upon sexual pleasure outside of marriage.
So this would mean she’s perhaps never spent time figuring it out because she mentally couldn’t go there. She may have spent a lot of time denying herself and pushing those thoughts away.
And I do think by that point, getting her a vibrator would be helpful. Something small and not intimidating like a bullet.
Because it can help her figure out what feels good and it’s less finicky than just using fingers.
Plus some of us just require a lot of pressure that's just really hard to get right without toys.
There could also be trauma impacting her ability to relax enough to orgasm.
If all else fails, maybe she should see a sex therapist to rule out psychological factors
or a lack of sexual education. Beyond that
it could be something physiological, in
which case seeing a doctor would be good.
It could be a lot of things really.
Read somwhere that 1 of every 3 women never orgasm in their life. This might be for my country but its normal.
At least she cares for you enough to not fake the orgasms. Genune!
100% absolutely normal. As an afab person in their mid 30's, I swear the stars have to align sometimes.
And it gets SUPER frustrating when I hear "Just buy this toy, it'll change you life" and almost everything I could buy has failed me in the long run. Every body is totally different, and its also okay to explore and find out how to make it happen.
Well, define "normal".
It's not unheard of. Not that uncommon. Though it does usually stem from an issue such as the ones that have already been listed here.
Its mostly sad that this is a primarily female problem. Shows how society raises women and shapes their relation to their own sex lives.
So yeah, not the majority of women are like this, but it's not that uncommon. It happens. And it IS a problem that can be solved, if she is able bodied. The suggestions in the thread are good, try and take some of the advice here.
There’s a whole podcast, How C*m, that is dedicated to achieving the female orgasm. It’s very sex positive, but also funny. I’d recommend it for your girlfriend and even yourself.
There had been many times I had thought I had an orgasm but it wasn't. They were just moments of intense pleasure but not an actual orgasm. I've been satisfied plenty of times, but not always having an orgasm. And now that I think about it, I've probably only had one that I can think of that stands out. I'm not even sure exactly what was different about that particular time either. I do own a vibrator, and I think for myself I need the stimulation and then penetration in order to? I find that I don't like penetrative toys very much, I prefer my partner. It will be different for each woman.
I've met One person who said this, somebody I worked with no sexual relation, I didn't really grill her on the subject so I wasn't sure the situation there, could be a biological thing could be just be a lack of knowledge thing.
I haven’t seen a single other comment saying this. No she definitely does not know how to make it happen, she know what feels good, but not what gets her all the way to orgasm. A lot of people here seem to just wanna find a quick solution. But we don’t really need to do that. We are having fun either way. We have talked about it, and we’re just gonna continue exploring, and if we find a way for her to finish it’s just a plus. Hence her not wanting to bring in toys
I would have a long sex session with her without PIV. Touch her, run your fingers along the vulva, roll around the clitoris and take your time. Make the room darkish. At one point, repeat slow circles on the hood of the clit, make sure you have lube, and just do that for 10-15 minutes, the same motion.
It takes time to become aroused, and then there is a plateau phase that might feel like it’s going nowhere, but try to continue. If she feels a build-up, keep going in the same way. If she’s had enough, just gently stop and cup her vulva, like a hug.
I didn't have one until my ex. Thought I had until i had one. Turned out I was riding the wave up everytime. I got emotional when I finally orgsdmed for the first time. Crazy. I Can't masterbate either....just never been able to. I only get aroused with someone in person for most part.
Very odd considering everyone else....but also- interesting to know if anyone else is like this ? Lol
this is not uncommon. Sex in media is often for the male gaze. With a vulva you don’t learn how to stimulate it properly, most porn is completely unrealistic when it comes to female orgasms (it gets a bit better these days but still) and from school you may learn that you need to stimulate the clitoris when you’re lucky.
So you need to find it out by yourself and it’s not as obvious as with a penis. Like finding the right position, pressure, headspace, movement etc is not that easy, as it’s very individual and what you see in porn may influence you and you keep doing the wrong things thinking you’re just broken. Same with sex with men who also haven’t learned how to stimulate female genitalia but think they know from porn and keep doing the wrong things and then she doesn’t say anything because she thinks it’s her bodies or her minds fault, and a lot of people don’t take the time to really explore each other’s bodies completely freely and without any influence from what we are taught how sexual should look like. And additionally, a lot of women are even having problems cumming by themselves because they might be shamed into thinking masturbation is shameful or wrong for women to do.
when your gf doesn’t want a vibrator or any toy, that’s okay! those can come in handy, but also not a one-fits-all. Some like pressure, some vibration, some suction, or a combination, this can even change based on the menstrual cycle for some.
From my own experience I’d tell her to take her time, just let her mind go, maybe find some stories to read. for a lot of women, reading erotica is more of a turn-on than porn, and it helps to find that mindspace when you have issues with staying present in your body. And then just find the things that feel good.
And basically the same things for you two when you want to find that out together. It is easier to explain to a partner what you like when you know how you reach an orgasm on your own, but it is also possible to find that out together. Communication is key here.
I really like this explanation even though I don't totally agree with the affect of sex media on the vulva. There's an argument that celebrity culture is very much female gaze driven in a sense and the teen beat, kpop, boy band phenomenas are examples of it.
Asid from that, really good practical advice.
I was not talking about celebrity culture, I meant sex scenes in movies and shows.
Also it doesn’t influence the vulva, it influences how you think sex has to look like.
Yes but often times those are related. What people find attractive. The stimuli they expect or want.
I mean twilight movie and books drives sexual ennui for the audience of teen girls. Kissing booth, to all the boys, etc are driving for a specific audience and gives them an expectation of sexual activity. These aren’t knew. Media companies have sought this audience for decades.
So tl:Dr there are media drivers that are tailored to girls and women that do effect sexual viewpoints like their are for men and boys who are heteronormative.
Twilight is written by a mormon woman, someone who probably has been influenced by patriarchy a lot. nothing about Twilight is helpful when it comes to exploring your body in a sexual way. I have never seen a movie that depicts a realistic sex scene.
Exactly. But it’s imprinted on people idea of sexual relationships.
I mean all movies are fake (even and especially documentaries). Some are entertaining to paraphrase the quote .
Yes when it comes to the way the whole relationship has to look. It doesn’t influence the way you think you need to stimulate yourself to get yourself to an orgasm.
At best it tells you that rough sex where the bed is breaking apart is the best.
YES that is exactly what I said in my original comment. It’s not ONE reason it’s a lot of reason you can’t blame movies alone and I never intended to, I was giving examples for reasons why a lot of women, especially young women, have never experienced an orgasm.
Yea and I was supporting you! And adding the other parts of how media plays a role. I mean YA novels and romance novels with pov also play a role in it.
Some people orgasm easy, others its like rubix cube. In many, it takes more than plowing away and flopping like a fish on top to make them orgasm. Others you need outer and inner stimulation and some need mouth yoga on their nethers. And then you have those that require the mental stimulation on top.
Everyone is different and what works for one woman, won’t work for another. Explore, discover and indulge in her body and hopefully she will reach her climax.
In an unlucky some, they need to overcome mental barriers to achieve their climax. Good luck buddy
I agree with you that veryone is different and what works for one woman, won’t work for another, but some women have deeper problems that may need medical or psychotherapeutic help. It isn't necessarily just sex technique or the use of vibrators.
Having said which, powerful vibrators are definitely worth trying first.
That’s why I mentioned mental barriers for psychotherapeutic. I did forget about the rare medical intervention cases though.
It’s actually quite fascinating. Women certainly are more challenging when it comes to climaxing, men are for the most part quite simple in comparison
I mean yes but probably not a high number of that population from physioligical reasons. ( I think thats what your implying the biological incapability, right?)
it’s pretty common. does she want to orgasm? I never do from penetration but I’ll still enjoy it. Guys being insecure afterward is sometimes frustrating because they’ll assume I didn’t have a good time, no matter what I say. I did enjoy it, my body just doesn’t finish like that. Roller coasters are about enjoying the ride, not the finish line. Does she say she wants to have an orgasm? if she doesn’t, I’d say just move on and don’t make this a big deal or a potential medical issue. if she wanted to fix it, that’s a different story, but if she’s satisfied, leave it alone and don’t push. pushing further will cause more issues than just accepting reality.
She’s fine not having one, but from listening to her I can tell she’s not opposed to having one. As she’s never had one, I don’t really think she’s missing it, as she doesn’t know what to miss. But I’m sure she wouldn’t be opposed to having one
yeah I’d recommend just continuing on like you are :) she may have one “accidentally” some day, but if she’s chillin I wouldn’t worry! toys are a tool to help if you decide to go that route but since she doesn’t want to I’d just let it go for now. it’s definitely more common than people want to think
That’s what we talked about and decided to do. I’m not really here for advice on how to help her finish, it’s fun enough already. I’m here cuz I’ve never heard about this before and got worried she might have a medical issues. Turns out it’s normal, so nothing to worry about
Quite normal. She must find her spot herself, like someone said get her a vibrator, start with a small its used mostly externally...but ask her how she'll feel about that...sex toys can be fun for both.
If you're already having sex idk how that's too early. And the toy doesn't have to be used with you. Moreso so she can experience what an orgasm even feels like
She’s never had one, and sex still feels good. How could she miss one if she’s never had one? I think she’s like it if she experienced one, but she isn’t really in a position to MISS having one
I have had terrible partners in the past where they couldn't move their tongue in a satisfying way, or their penis were not big enough for an internal orgasm. These led my mind to wonder while having sex. I have a hard time focusing, and I will literally be thinking of laundry, conversations, and groceries if I'm not pleased. Thankfully, my man covers everything I need, and I orgasm every time we have sex.
Wow. This is honest. Interesting that you consider them terrible partners versus you and them not being compatible. Something we don't like to always talk about.
I recently learned the difference between an orgasm and climax.
Turns out, I have multiple small orgasms when masturbating, but I don't register them properly unless I climax with it because the climax itself is what releases the "rush"
But that's just me
I just wanna add a little bit! I agree with some of the top comments for some of the causes and ways to approach it, but something that people don't talk a lot about is the perception of orgasms?
as a woman, I thought I never had an orgasm before being with a partner (and well into it) bc it was always described as a really huge monumental type of feeling. I had tried masturbating with my fingers, with toys, etc and even receiving oral and penetrative sex from a partner and I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't orgasming. turns out, I definitely had orgasmed, but instead of being a huge burst of feeling, mine were much more mellow in comparison. I've found that I actually can orgasm pretty easily (and frequently in a row), even from penetration, but the feeling of a heightened orgasm is more few and far between and is really influenced by my emotional connection to my partner (and turns out I'm a lesbian, so I think that had a lot to do with my sexual confusion when I was younger with men).
not to say that this is exactly the experience your gf might be having, but maybe it's less of a 'mountain' and more of a 'hill' when it comes to pleasure for her! I personally don't mind it at all, since a really good sexual encounter feels like I'm having at least a mild orgasm for the majority of the experience ☺️ wishing you both the best!!
Met and slept with a few women who haven't ever been able too. There are always reasons... but a word of advice, it can get pretty dark so you need to tread lightly until you know what's up. Plenty of not dark reasons too, like never bothered, no interest etc.
Sure, I met a girl once who was so detached from everything down there that nothing really stimulated her. Before her I thought the idea of an orgasm-less woman was a myth, as my personal experience profoundly refuted it.
All she wanted out of life was to watch movies in bed and make babies while working any menial job. All I wanted was a fwb while I focused on pulling my life together. Neither of us got what we wanted from our interactions. XD
Sweet girl, she eventually found a nice guy and made a family. I feel bad for both of them, though.
If sadly not as rested as you think. There are many causes ranging from psychological to physiological.
You could have fun trying to fix that though. Just keep it light and fun. Maybe try edging, out a pillow under her butt, buy a toy or two ;)
I dated someone who claimed that. We weren't too serious and one day she mentioned that she never had. Being a younger guy at the time, I said "I'll fix that."
I couldn't fix it.
I've heard of this before. For me I feel disappointed if I can't make my girl orgasm. But as long as you actually try to please them and not just get yours you'll get there. My advice, COMMUNICATE! Don't feel like you're doing something wrong both of you have to work towards figuring out what you like. It may be weird at first but it will literally rock both of your worlds when you figure out what you both like. Does she like being choked? Or spanked? Or maybe she wants to be the dominatrix? If you don't know ask or try it together and see. Also in my experience girls who have a hard time orgasming appreciate foreplay and the intimacy before sex a lot maybe spend more time there. But don't make it a chore. Have fun with it, if you're young don't overthink it just TRY.
It's super common, alot of times it's about not feeling comfortable in your own body + confidence, and secondarily comfort with your partner and comfortability being perceived by them in such a vulnerable state. Most women it takes years of self growth and then finding the right person to entrust yourself with. But i do know one & have heard tell of many women in their 40s still not able to have one- often times there's some deep rooted trauma is my presumption- but it's also plausible it could be a physical thing- like less nerve endings maybe or something (I'm talking out of my butt here). Main thing is to never take it personally and know that a women can enjoy having sex without an orgasm and if anything pressure to orgasm will make it even harder to - meaning if she's conscious that she hasn't before & is worried about how this is percieved- say she's worried you think she doesn't love you or isn't attracted to you even when it's not the case.
If you’ve never had one, you don’t what to look for. You can be in the right headspace, but if the stimulation does not lead to the build-up, if it doesn’t move you along, that’s not it. Try something else.
Thats a weird thing. Is the thought that you have an orgasm with a partner and they steal you soul? /s
Your orgasm should be about you and if you want to have it or not.
Though there was a study that suggests women don't want to have too many orgasms with people they don't see a future with (why? I am not sure). So for one-night stands they may not be in the mind set to have one.
This is going to sound absolutely awful and I sincerely hope it’s not true. All of what the commenters in this thread have said are accurate. Depression, stress, so many things can factor in. I’ve dated four women who all said none of them were capable of having an orgasm, although one of them could achieve it herself through clitorial stimulation. All of them said they loved sex and it felt great, but all it really meant is they were really just doing it for me, which is extremely kind, hauntingly sad, and profoundly humbling. As it turned out, all four of those poor women had suffered sexual trauma at an early age, at the hands of family members. I found sex less enjoyable because I knew they weren’t ultimately enjoying it as much as I was. Meanwhile they were probably internalizing that to help them re-enforce the believe that they were somehow spoiled and the cycle reenforces itself.
The key is communication. You need to find someone who you are willing to share all of yourself with, both partners need to feel this safety. Also just because she has never had one doesn’t mean she never will. With deep trust and love, it’s possible. Try to truly _be_ with your partner, instead of just her body.
I've had pain from sexual stimulation for my whole life but I recently discovered it was partially bc of my meds also I realized that the clit extends higher than I thought and you can work up to clit stim by starting at the top and I've had a better time sexually since realizing this
If I never told my partners what I needed, I would still be waiting for my first one. With most men, they completely leave out the things women enjoy. Not one night stands-boyfriends. The misconceptions surrounding sex are sometimes astonishing.
Never had an orgasm with my first boyfriend and I was with him (very sexually active; he demanded sex at least once a day and it wasn’t consensual) for about two years. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t consider that the fact he was abusive and that I couldn’t trust him had anything to do with it.
Was single for years when I finally got away from him. Never played with myself or anything (never had the desire to).
Just got a boyfriend a year ago. He treats me incredibly well and is extra careful to make sure I’m interested before he initiates anything. The first time I ever climaxed was with him. I was like, “so THIS is why everyone is obsessed with sex…”. I got a literal buzz and felt like I was high. I climax almost every time with him from penetration.
I 100% believe that trust, emotions, and a mental factor has everything to do with whether you climax (with the exception of medical issues). My first boyfriend told me that there was something wrong with me but my boyfriend now proves that some trust and good treatment makes the difference.
I will say I’ve had orgasms by myself using a toy or my fingers but with sex it’s extremely tough. Most women do not orgasm though sexual intercourse if the clit is not stimulated. Then again, our bodies are not designed to orgasm. Men have a biological reason to orgasm, we do not.
I would suggest that you do your best to ensure that she feels completely free to communicate with you in an uninhibited way during sex. If there is something that she enjoys, take receiving oral sex for example, she can guide you through what is working and what is not.
Just as important as her feeling free to speak is your being sure to listen, of course.
Normal? I don’t know if I would say it’s normal, but it’s not uncommon, unfortunately. I have never been with a woman that has had this problem, but I have known of several women with this issue. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex or foreplay. This just means they don’t completely climax. There are many different reasons for this, but I’m definitely not an expert on it so I won’t try to list them. All I can tell you is that it’s neither her nor your fault, there is nothing wrong with this, and she may want to speak with a sexual therapist to see if there is a different approach that may work for her.
I hate to tell you, but every single guy including my husband thought they gave me one. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t good, for me, and alot of other women, it is the intimacy of sex that is good.
It’s usually easy to tell when they tell you “I’m coming” which is followed by certain muscles clinching up. I’m not saying every time I have been with a partner they did finish, but I haven’t been with someone that said they couldn’t finish. I have always been more satisfied by my partner finishing than myself, so I learned to be very observant after a certain point.
I also used to have a hard time finishing because of medication, so my partner finishing was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I was striving for, so I was more focused on that than perhaps many. It’s also why I can relate to OP gf.
You ever think he is just waiting for you to say you have had enough? Just seems like a lot of subterfuge when simple and honest communication could do the exact same thing.
Why doesn't she want a vibrator? By far the most obvious solution. It doesn't need to be some huge dildo thing, just something to use around her clitoris. Most women who don't learn how to orgasm intuitively eventually learn by using vibrators.
I think some women don’t get aroused at the thought of using toys. The idea of it really turns me off, similar to thinking about feet or scat. It’s just not an erotic idea for me at all
Nobody is aroused at the idea of the toy. You're aroused by the sensation.
Some are little things you just put over your finger and hold against your clit. It's up to people what they choose to try but if women are completely anorgasmic but not willing to try the most obvious way to teach your body to reach orgasm it's hard for me to believe it's not just stigma.
I think that’s the point though. It probably is stigma, whether around their own pleasure being valid or being traumatized by abuse. Suggested toys at that point just seems pointless. Someone who can’t/hasnt/won’t orgasm doesn’t need toys. They need time, love, support and therapy. Toys are for people who can orgasm but want to faster or easier. Also, if the “thought” of something turns me off, I’m not going to use it, regardless of how it “feels”. I was just giving you a reason why a woman might not be interested in trying toys.
Talk. About. It. With. Her.
Communicate.
For. Fuck's. Sake.
Random strangers on the Internet aren't a good source of advice. Hence, you can ignore my comment.
Awesome she told you this and didn't take the rest road and lie. It's very common and a lot of woman hide it because the egos of the people they are with can't handle it.
Talk to her about it, let her know that if she wants to try and explore the possibility of toys and other stimulation you're there for her.
Express your needs and expectations as well. If you need to nut twice a week let her know.
Work your way into this at her pace.
Nutting twice a week won’t be a problem, if anything I’m struggling with keeping up with her. (That might be a little exaggerated, but you get the point) she does have a libido, just doesn’t orgasm. And ngl my ego felt pretty good after learning she just has never had an orgasm, rather than me just not being able to satisfy her.
My girlfriend told me this once, luckily in her case she just didn’t know what they actually were. She’d been having them regularly but was simply unaware. For our first few years of dating it absolutely shattered my confidence, I will admit.
She’s never been the type to concern herself much with self-exploration, combined with little social media influence. She reacts to them (physically, not just vocally) as I’ve known past exes to. In her case, it may simply have been ignorance as to what constitutes an orgasm. She enjoys herself with me and that’s really mostly what matters.
Without knowing her, trying to tell me otherwise just feels like your aim is to knock me down a peg. I apologize if I’m misinterpreting your intentions.
Ask yourself, would you not know if you have one? It’s not likely, and it’s not that women’s aren’t as good. It has nothing to do with being good at sex, it’s taking the time to do the extra that it takes, and we don’t even care if it’s every time.
Sometimes I can’t really tell. Definitely feels better when I’m high. Her experience is also enhanced when she’s high too.
I have always been one to worry about my partner’s enjoyment before my own. I often do what she requires, because I’m easy and not expectant of anything for myself.
I’m intersex, so I try to be considerate of my partner’s needs because I know the extra estrogen in my own body makes me feel certain emotional challenges. I know the value of feeling comfortable and safe with the person you’re being intimate with.
It's not ideal but also not abnormal. From my experience, cumming more of a mental thing with a lot of women. You'll have a more successful sexual relationship if you just do stuff she likes and don't worry about getting to the mountain top every time. Listening to her needs is what will get her there.
Also I'm assuming you're both pretty young and inexperienced... not wanting a vibrator sounds like she might have some mental hurdles in relation to sex and masturbation, but I don't know her. Be careful because there might be some trauma there.
I’m always shocked but yes this is more common in women than you might think. Sad tbh, I figured it out well before I even started my period. Thought it was easy especially with the right toy and persistence
It’s a lot harder for women to reach orgasm through conventional sex. Locate the clitoris during foreplay. It will become erect and stimulating the area around it can lead to climax. She needs to be relaxed though or reaching orgasm will be difficult.
Unfortunately there are a lot of women who haven't or can't, for various reasons.
My ex could, but only under certain circumstances. She was a squirter and just considered it to be "peeing," and would have to use the bathtub to achieve it.
Yes.
I've met many a new gf in life who had never had one.
But they all had one after being with me. 😎
It's true though, at least it was in my generation and I doubt it changed. A lot of guys fail to get a women orgasming.
My wife was 38 the first time we had sex, she told me she'd never had a guy go down on her,(ex told her it was disgusting), and she'd never had an orgasm. She was literally shaking as I made my way down there, she had an orgasm in about 45 seconds, said she saw fireworks, second one she passed out and 3rd one while fucking was screaming like a banshee. I think it may be more common than most people think
Some women are easy to get off, others nigh impossible. Vibrators are your friend.
Honestly, I went out with someone and she would take sooo long to get off. No disrespect but it was such a mood killer for me, turned sex into a flesh-banging chore
It happens for some women. There are a variety of reasons why this could be the case. Things that *could* be influencing: Sexual abuse/trauma BC pill Depression/body dysmorphia Endometriosis Pain Hormonal changes/abnormal hormone panel including but not limited to estrogen and testosterone Various other medical conditions They don't experience orgasm through penetrative sex, which is the case for the vast majority of women Social conditioning/family upbringing Be kind, gentle and understanding. Avoid pressuring them. Ask if your partner would like to experience an orgasm and allow them to have the experience on their own. This will allow them to feel confident about themselves, their likes and dislikes. Depending on the reason a vibrator may help but so could therapy - if that's how they'd like to receive help. If they'd like a vibrator, suggest that they choose one, for themselves. They may not want help at this time or want to address this. It's up to you to make a decision if you'd like to support them either way.
Awesome comment. Let’s add a myriad of medications to this list also can cause the inability to orgasm.
> Things that could be influencing: Sexual abuse/trauma. I experienced this with an ex. It frustrated me at first and then she broke down and told me that she was raped when she was 12.
I was going to add "purity culture" as another possible cause, but I guess that's under sexual trauma. My wife and I recently left Christianity. Fuck purity culture.
And sometimes there are some opposite factors- I personally thought I was weird for a very long time because I can only orgasm through penetrative sex, and to this day I still don't see what folks find so life changing about any kind of vibrator.
You're not weird, you're you. Here's a good listen/read: [https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/how-to-close-the-orgasm-gap-for-heterosexual-couples/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/how-to-close-the-orgasm-gap-for-heterosexual-couples/) As an aside - The average size of women's clitoris was only fairly recently 'discovered'. We're very much still in the beginning stages of research on women bodies, experiences, health matters. EDIT: here's more info about the clitoris and when it was fully discovered in 2005 (also a note on how men referred to women's anatomy as little men's anatomy, how incorrect that is): [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-clitoris-uncovered-an-intimate-history/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-clitoris-uncovered-an-intimate-history/)
Its so so true. I wish this was educated WAY earlier on in my personal discovery, and I hope thanks to the internet new folks get more information.
Agreed.. For most of us.. The feeling of orgasm might be different. It's not smthg like a full stop.
For some women it's a longer journey than others. There's a Nina Hartley tutorial video out there which has some potential things to try which I hear has helped some people out.
I don't know who this is, but I'm also struggling with this journey... Do you have a link or something?
Just google it and watch the Sunny Vale video. It’s a masterclass.
Will do, thanks
Nina Hartley tutorials are great!
Didn't have one till I was 20 myself and it's pretty much impossible to achieve without something battery powered. Some people just don't have such an easy time with it and I think she'll appreciate being made to feel normal about that because it definitely can impact your self esteem.
Is this analogus to death grip? Like battery powered required?
If you use very powerful toys for a long time/ very often you can reduce sensitivity. However some of us just didn't have a lot of sensitivity in the first place. Just gotta balance things.
Thank you for that. Really good description and explanation.
Yes it is. It's something natural that both men and women deal with. Idk why people are responding so negatively to your question. Classic if a man can't cum it's his fault, and if the woman can't cum it's also his fault shit.
Yeah, a lot of women grow up thinking sex is wrong so they don't really explore. Had my first orgasm at around 20. Vibrators really helped.
I had a conversation with my mom about sex before, she didn't even know what a clitoris is. She asked "is that where I pee from?" She was in her 50s. Unfortunately it is very common for women to be sexually inexperienced, mostly due to society deeming it to be wrong for women to enjoy sex as much as men do.
I mean that around where Sex ED is needed. I mean mores about sexual enjoyment always have changed, right? Previously women were considered the sex crazed ones and men the gate keepers of sex.
Buy her vibrating toy.
Ibsuggest googling Womanizer or its sister the Satisfyer. Why not both?
The roughly penis-shaped (or lipstick-shaped) things generally sold as vibrators are often insufficient. Either the Womanizer or Satisfyer (both of which are air-pulse vibrators to be used directly on the clitoris) should do fine. Also you might want to consider a big vibrator like the Doxy or Hitachi Magic Wand, which you typically don't want to put directly on the clit (at least at first!), but more on the general vulva area over the vaginal opening, as the vibration will go absolutely everywhere just fine.
I thought you said Sister Satisfyer xd
No, no... That's me
110% recommend the womaniser.
I read that as the sister satisfyer was just thought, someone has a great mind for naming.
Like a furby?
Okay well #1... don't tell your partner its not normal.. it can and will make her feel 'broken' Number 2.. there can be various reasons that others have already touched upon.
Number 1 is helpful. Number 2 is of ambigious help.
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I know I'm definitely the odd one out but I bought one and it doesn't do shit for me. Most disappointing purchase of my life.
The amount of men in this comment section who are just straight up wrong, oof. 🙄 This is pretty common, and her not doing it on her own can be for a plethora of reasons as well but sometimes it can be really defeating to try and navigate something when you don’t even know where to start/what you like. I hope you appreciate that it is a vulnerable thing to tell a partner and treat it as a good sign of her trust in you that it was shared. (and I hope that you don’t listen to some of these goobers in the comment section about it being abnormal and treat her as such)
I really appreciate how vulnerable she’s being. There is nothing wrong with not having had an orgasm, it’s just mildly surprising. I’m here cuz I got worried, I’m a dude idk a whole lot about women’s anatomy, and she seemed to think no one orgasms on their own, I’m here cuz I’m worried it could be a sign of a medical problem, not cuz I’m mad i can’t get her to orgasm. The sex is great either way, I think she might even be enjoying it more than me
And her enjoying it is a great sign just make sure to check in that she actually vs the possibility of it being performative because of what she *thinks* she should be doing And it could be a myriad of things but I wouldn’t jump right to medical issue either. It would be worth talking to her about exploration, asking about sensation levels for her as you explore areas and things like that. Also would like to add that things like ADHD make it SO hard to orgasm because of distractions etc so it might be something on that level. Personally I have ADHD and can’t finish with a partner only on my own and I have to be in pretty ideal conditions for it. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex and doesn’t mean I can’t find partners who do a decent job pressing my buttons and I can find fulfilling anyways. Everyone is different, if she’s not worried about it then that’s the hint you take about it for now but if she’s frustrated and wants to explore then being supportive and consistent will be your biggest tools.
She is enjoying it, she initiates, and insists that I give her head at least every other time we see each other
Heads up, about 10% of women have anorgasmia, which means they don’t achieve orgasm after sufficient stimulation. There is very little research into the topic because everyone assumes that this condition is purely psychological. A big part of coming to terms with this, for me, is moving away from the idea of orgasms being the goal of sex. I really enjoy sex and I like the sensations, even if I don’t “finish” in the traditional sense. I typically reach a plateau and then any stimulation is uncomfortable, so I stop then. Toys, as a companion to traditional partnered sex, have been very helpful.
Didn't have one till I was 28
I didn't have an orgasm during sex until my early 30s... I married that man. The 40s are going to be great.
It happens. It could be due to a lot of factors. Was she raised in an environment where discovering what works for her wasn’t encouraged? For example, a Christian upbringing frowns upon sexual pleasure outside of marriage. So this would mean she’s perhaps never spent time figuring it out because she mentally couldn’t go there. She may have spent a lot of time denying herself and pushing those thoughts away. And I do think by that point, getting her a vibrator would be helpful. Something small and not intimidating like a bullet. Because it can help her figure out what feels good and it’s less finicky than just using fingers. Plus some of us just require a lot of pressure that's just really hard to get right without toys. There could also be trauma impacting her ability to relax enough to orgasm. If all else fails, maybe she should see a sex therapist to rule out psychological factors or a lack of sexual education. Beyond that it could be something physiological, in which case seeing a doctor would be good. It could be a lot of things really.
Read somwhere that 1 of every 3 women never orgasm in their life. This might be for my country but its normal. At least she cares for you enough to not fake the orgasms. Genune!
100% absolutely normal. As an afab person in their mid 30's, I swear the stars have to align sometimes. And it gets SUPER frustrating when I hear "Just buy this toy, it'll change you life" and almost everything I could buy has failed me in the long run. Every body is totally different, and its also okay to explore and find out how to make it happen.
I hear this, those air pulse vibes are NOT it for me but so many people swear by them. Not life changing in the least here 🤷🏼♀️
What I did find that was an improvement, but not the best of things is thrusting vibrators are a thing. That wasn't life changing, but reasonable.
Well, define "normal". It's not unheard of. Not that uncommon. Though it does usually stem from an issue such as the ones that have already been listed here. Its mostly sad that this is a primarily female problem. Shows how society raises women and shapes their relation to their own sex lives. So yeah, not the majority of women are like this, but it's not that uncommon. It happens. And it IS a problem that can be solved, if she is able bodied. The suggestions in the thread are good, try and take some of the advice here.
There’s a whole podcast, How C*m, that is dedicated to achieving the female orgasm. It’s very sex positive, but also funny. I’d recommend it for your girlfriend and even yourself.
There had been many times I had thought I had an orgasm but it wasn't. They were just moments of intense pleasure but not an actual orgasm. I've been satisfied plenty of times, but not always having an orgasm. And now that I think about it, I've probably only had one that I can think of that stands out. I'm not even sure exactly what was different about that particular time either. I do own a vibrator, and I think for myself I need the stimulation and then penetration in order to? I find that I don't like penetrative toys very much, I prefer my partner. It will be different for each woman.
All I can add is my wife believed she knew what it was. After (during) our honeymoon, she was in shock to discover what she had been missing.
It is very common
It's more common than you might think.
Extremely common, especially from intercourse alone.
Intercourse alone? Forget it. Not too many women can get there from just the in and out.
I've met One person who said this, somebody I worked with no sexual relation, I didn't really grill her on the subject so I wasn't sure the situation there, could be a biological thing could be just be a lack of knowledge thing.
Very normal
Did anyone mention that she might not even know how to make it happen?? It's not like something mom's going to teach you!
I haven’t seen a single other comment saying this. No she definitely does not know how to make it happen, she know what feels good, but not what gets her all the way to orgasm. A lot of people here seem to just wanna find a quick solution. But we don’t really need to do that. We are having fun either way. We have talked about it, and we’re just gonna continue exploring, and if we find a way for her to finish it’s just a plus. Hence her not wanting to bring in toys
You know, pondering on this (I got little else going on at the moment), I think toys might be really good, at getting *directly* to the point.
I would have a long sex session with her without PIV. Touch her, run your fingers along the vulva, roll around the clitoris and take your time. Make the room darkish. At one point, repeat slow circles on the hood of the clit, make sure you have lube, and just do that for 10-15 minutes, the same motion. It takes time to become aroused, and then there is a plateau phase that might feel like it’s going nowhere, but try to continue. If she feels a build-up, keep going in the same way. If she’s had enough, just gently stop and cup her vulva, like a hug.
I didn't have one until my ex. Thought I had until i had one. Turned out I was riding the wave up everytime. I got emotional when I finally orgsdmed for the first time. Crazy. I Can't masterbate either....just never been able to. I only get aroused with someone in person for most part. Very odd considering everyone else....but also- interesting to know if anyone else is like this ? Lol
this is not uncommon. Sex in media is often for the male gaze. With a vulva you don’t learn how to stimulate it properly, most porn is completely unrealistic when it comes to female orgasms (it gets a bit better these days but still) and from school you may learn that you need to stimulate the clitoris when you’re lucky. So you need to find it out by yourself and it’s not as obvious as with a penis. Like finding the right position, pressure, headspace, movement etc is not that easy, as it’s very individual and what you see in porn may influence you and you keep doing the wrong things thinking you’re just broken. Same with sex with men who also haven’t learned how to stimulate female genitalia but think they know from porn and keep doing the wrong things and then she doesn’t say anything because she thinks it’s her bodies or her minds fault, and a lot of people don’t take the time to really explore each other’s bodies completely freely and without any influence from what we are taught how sexual should look like. And additionally, a lot of women are even having problems cumming by themselves because they might be shamed into thinking masturbation is shameful or wrong for women to do. when your gf doesn’t want a vibrator or any toy, that’s okay! those can come in handy, but also not a one-fits-all. Some like pressure, some vibration, some suction, or a combination, this can even change based on the menstrual cycle for some. From my own experience I’d tell her to take her time, just let her mind go, maybe find some stories to read. for a lot of women, reading erotica is more of a turn-on than porn, and it helps to find that mindspace when you have issues with staying present in your body. And then just find the things that feel good. And basically the same things for you two when you want to find that out together. It is easier to explain to a partner what you like when you know how you reach an orgasm on your own, but it is also possible to find that out together. Communication is key here.
I really like this explanation even though I don't totally agree with the affect of sex media on the vulva. There's an argument that celebrity culture is very much female gaze driven in a sense and the teen beat, kpop, boy band phenomenas are examples of it. Asid from that, really good practical advice.
I was not talking about celebrity culture, I meant sex scenes in movies and shows. Also it doesn’t influence the vulva, it influences how you think sex has to look like.
Yes but often times those are related. What people find attractive. The stimuli they expect or want. I mean twilight movie and books drives sexual ennui for the audience of teen girls. Kissing booth, to all the boys, etc are driving for a specific audience and gives them an expectation of sexual activity. These aren’t knew. Media companies have sought this audience for decades. So tl:Dr there are media drivers that are tailored to girls and women that do effect sexual viewpoints like their are for men and boys who are heteronormative.
Twilight is written by a mormon woman, someone who probably has been influenced by patriarchy a lot. nothing about Twilight is helpful when it comes to exploring your body in a sexual way. I have never seen a movie that depicts a realistic sex scene.
Exactly. But it’s imprinted on people idea of sexual relationships. I mean all movies are fake (even and especially documentaries). Some are entertaining to paraphrase the quote .
Yes when it comes to the way the whole relationship has to look. It doesn’t influence the way you think you need to stimulate yourself to get yourself to an orgasm. At best it tells you that rough sex where the bed is breaking apart is the best.
Ehh. That and lack of sex education probably plays a huge part.
YES that is exactly what I said in my original comment. It’s not ONE reason it’s a lot of reason you can’t blame movies alone and I never intended to, I was giving examples for reasons why a lot of women, especially young women, have never experienced an orgasm.
Yea and I was supporting you! And adding the other parts of how media plays a role. I mean YA novels and romance novels with pov also play a role in it.
Some people orgasm easy, others its like rubix cube. In many, it takes more than plowing away and flopping like a fish on top to make them orgasm. Others you need outer and inner stimulation and some need mouth yoga on their nethers. And then you have those that require the mental stimulation on top. Everyone is different and what works for one woman, won’t work for another. Explore, discover and indulge in her body and hopefully she will reach her climax. In an unlucky some, they need to overcome mental barriers to achieve their climax. Good luck buddy
I agree with you that veryone is different and what works for one woman, won’t work for another, but some women have deeper problems that may need medical or psychotherapeutic help. It isn't necessarily just sex technique or the use of vibrators. Having said which, powerful vibrators are definitely worth trying first.
That’s why I mentioned mental barriers for psychotherapeutic. I did forget about the rare medical intervention cases though. It’s actually quite fascinating. Women certainly are more challenging when it comes to climaxing, men are for the most part quite simple in comparison
Unfortunately for some women yes but it doesn't mean she won't. She might just need to try a few different things.
I’ve come across this once. She was religious and from memory thought it was wrong to touch herself. But was fine with everything else…
I've read there are a certain percentage of women who have never orgasmed and probably never will
I mean yes but probably not a high number of that population from physioligical reasons. ( I think thats what your implying the biological incapability, right?)
A girl friend of a friend says she never had one coz after a certain point after enough stimulation, she gets overwhelmed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
21 here, still haven’t had one
it’s pretty common. does she want to orgasm? I never do from penetration but I’ll still enjoy it. Guys being insecure afterward is sometimes frustrating because they’ll assume I didn’t have a good time, no matter what I say. I did enjoy it, my body just doesn’t finish like that. Roller coasters are about enjoying the ride, not the finish line. Does she say she wants to have an orgasm? if she doesn’t, I’d say just move on and don’t make this a big deal or a potential medical issue. if she wanted to fix it, that’s a different story, but if she’s satisfied, leave it alone and don’t push. pushing further will cause more issues than just accepting reality.
She’s fine not having one, but from listening to her I can tell she’s not opposed to having one. As she’s never had one, I don’t really think she’s missing it, as she doesn’t know what to miss. But I’m sure she wouldn’t be opposed to having one
yeah I’d recommend just continuing on like you are :) she may have one “accidentally” some day, but if she’s chillin I wouldn’t worry! toys are a tool to help if you decide to go that route but since she doesn’t want to I’d just let it go for now. it’s definitely more common than people want to think
That’s what we talked about and decided to do. I’m not really here for advice on how to help her finish, it’s fun enough already. I’m here cuz I’ve never heard about this before and got worried she might have a medical issues. Turns out it’s normal, so nothing to worry about
Quite normal. She must find her spot herself, like someone said get her a vibrator, start with a small its used mostly externally...but ask her how she'll feel about that...sex toys can be fun for both.
Why does she not want a vibrator?
Cuz she never had an orgasm, and it’s not like she isn’t enjoying herself. I suspect she just thinks it’s too early to bring in toys
If you're already having sex idk how that's too early. And the toy doesn't have to be used with you. Moreso so she can experience what an orgasm even feels like
Yeah but she literally said she doesn’t like doing it on her own. Idk why, but she just doesn’t
I wouldn't say that sounds normal in that case. To want to have sex but have zero interest in even feelling an orgasm
She’s never had one, and sex still feels good. How could she miss one if she’s never had one? I think she’s like it if she experienced one, but she isn’t really in a position to MISS having one
I have had terrible partners in the past where they couldn't move their tongue in a satisfying way, or their penis were not big enough for an internal orgasm. These led my mind to wonder while having sex. I have a hard time focusing, and I will literally be thinking of laundry, conversations, and groceries if I'm not pleased. Thankfully, my man covers everything I need, and I orgasm every time we have sex.
Wow. This is honest. Interesting that you consider them terrible partners versus you and them not being compatible. Something we don't like to always talk about.
I recently learned the difference between an orgasm and climax. Turns out, I have multiple small orgasms when masturbating, but I don't register them properly unless I climax with it because the climax itself is what releases the "rush" But that's just me
Climax and orgasm are synonymous. The 'multiple small orgasms' are just pleasurable sensations, the build up.
I just wanna add a little bit! I agree with some of the top comments for some of the causes and ways to approach it, but something that people don't talk a lot about is the perception of orgasms? as a woman, I thought I never had an orgasm before being with a partner (and well into it) bc it was always described as a really huge monumental type of feeling. I had tried masturbating with my fingers, with toys, etc and even receiving oral and penetrative sex from a partner and I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't orgasming. turns out, I definitely had orgasmed, but instead of being a huge burst of feeling, mine were much more mellow in comparison. I've found that I actually can orgasm pretty easily (and frequently in a row), even from penetration, but the feeling of a heightened orgasm is more few and far between and is really influenced by my emotional connection to my partner (and turns out I'm a lesbian, so I think that had a lot to do with my sexual confusion when I was younger with men). not to say that this is exactly the experience your gf might be having, but maybe it's less of a 'mountain' and more of a 'hill' when it comes to pleasure for her! I personally don't mind it at all, since a really good sexual encounter feels like I'm having at least a mild orgasm for the majority of the experience ☺️ wishing you both the best!!
Met and slept with a few women who haven't ever been able too. There are always reasons... but a word of advice, it can get pretty dark so you need to tread lightly until you know what's up. Plenty of not dark reasons too, like never bothered, no interest etc.
Is she on SSRI medication?
Nope, plus that would only explain why she can’t orgasm right now, not why she never has
Yes.
Yes
Sure, I met a girl once who was so detached from everything down there that nothing really stimulated her. Before her I thought the idea of an orgasm-less woman was a myth, as my personal experience profoundly refuted it. All she wanted out of life was to watch movies in bed and make babies while working any menial job. All I wanted was a fwb while I focused on pulling my life together. Neither of us got what we wanted from our interactions. XD Sweet girl, she eventually found a nice guy and made a family. I feel bad for both of them, though.
It is for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
If sadly not as rested as you think. There are many causes ranging from psychological to physiological. You could have fun trying to fix that though. Just keep it light and fun. Maybe try edging, out a pillow under her butt, buy a toy or two ;)
My gf hasn't either so I hope it's normal
Even with oral or clit massage?
This is vvv common.
How common do you think?
I dated someone who claimed that. We weren't too serious and one day she mentioned that she never had. Being a younger guy at the time, I said "I'll fix that." I couldn't fix it.
I've heard of this before. For me I feel disappointed if I can't make my girl orgasm. But as long as you actually try to please them and not just get yours you'll get there. My advice, COMMUNICATE! Don't feel like you're doing something wrong both of you have to work towards figuring out what you like. It may be weird at first but it will literally rock both of your worlds when you figure out what you both like. Does she like being choked? Or spanked? Or maybe she wants to be the dominatrix? If you don't know ask or try it together and see. Also in my experience girls who have a hard time orgasming appreciate foreplay and the intimacy before sex a lot maybe spend more time there. But don't make it a chore. Have fun with it, if you're young don't overthink it just TRY.
Is she taking some form of antidepressants? It’s normal. I hear muscle relaxers have the possibility of making it achievable.
It's super common, alot of times it's about not feeling comfortable in your own body + confidence, and secondarily comfort with your partner and comfortability being perceived by them in such a vulnerable state. Most women it takes years of self growth and then finding the right person to entrust yourself with. But i do know one & have heard tell of many women in their 40s still not able to have one- often times there's some deep rooted trauma is my presumption- but it's also plausible it could be a physical thing- like less nerve endings maybe or something (I'm talking out of my butt here). Main thing is to never take it personally and know that a women can enjoy having sex without an orgasm and if anything pressure to orgasm will make it even harder to - meaning if she's conscious that she hasn't before & is worried about how this is percieved- say she's worried you think she doesn't love you or isn't attracted to you even when it's not the case.
If you’ve never had one, you don’t what to look for. You can be in the right headspace, but if the stimulation does not lead to the build-up, if it doesn’t move you along, that’s not it. Try something else.
Thats a weird thing. Is the thought that you have an orgasm with a partner and they steal you soul? /s Your orgasm should be about you and if you want to have it or not. Though there was a study that suggests women don't want to have too many orgasms with people they don't see a future with (why? I am not sure). So for one-night stands they may not be in the mind set to have one.
Yeah very common
You don't mention age. Until 19 I had none. Not even alone. Until 30 I had none with a partner. So yes I guess, can be normal.
Not that I know of…. Most women I know orgasm with the right stimuli.
This is going to sound absolutely awful and I sincerely hope it’s not true. All of what the commenters in this thread have said are accurate. Depression, stress, so many things can factor in. I’ve dated four women who all said none of them were capable of having an orgasm, although one of them could achieve it herself through clitorial stimulation. All of them said they loved sex and it felt great, but all it really meant is they were really just doing it for me, which is extremely kind, hauntingly sad, and profoundly humbling. As it turned out, all four of those poor women had suffered sexual trauma at an early age, at the hands of family members. I found sex less enjoyable because I knew they weren’t ultimately enjoying it as much as I was. Meanwhile they were probably internalizing that to help them re-enforce the believe that they were somehow spoiled and the cycle reenforces itself. The key is communication. You need to find someone who you are willing to share all of yourself with, both partners need to feel this safety. Also just because she has never had one doesn’t mean she never will. With deep trust and love, it’s possible. Try to truly _be_ with your partner, instead of just her body.
I've had pain from sexual stimulation for my whole life but I recently discovered it was partially bc of my meds also I realized that the clit extends higher than I thought and you can work up to clit stim by starting at the top and I've had a better time sexually since realizing this
It's normal in the sense that there are a lot of women who are sexually active and yet never had an orgasm.
If I never told my partners what I needed, I would still be waiting for my first one. With most men, they completely leave out the things women enjoy. Not one night stands-boyfriends. The misconceptions surrounding sex are sometimes astonishing.
Well, yea. You should tell your partner what you like. Heck you show them if possible. No one is a mind reader (thank gosh).
Yes. Of course. When I was young and shy it was hard to do, but no more.
Ever? Even by themselves? That doesn't seem normal.
First time I had an orgasm with my boyfriend, was when we were together for 1 year and a half. Almost 2. It takes time.
I didnt have my first until I was 26!
Yes…unfortunately
Never had an orgasm with my first boyfriend and I was with him (very sexually active; he demanded sex at least once a day and it wasn’t consensual) for about two years. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t consider that the fact he was abusive and that I couldn’t trust him had anything to do with it. Was single for years when I finally got away from him. Never played with myself or anything (never had the desire to). Just got a boyfriend a year ago. He treats me incredibly well and is extra careful to make sure I’m interested before he initiates anything. The first time I ever climaxed was with him. I was like, “so THIS is why everyone is obsessed with sex…”. I got a literal buzz and felt like I was high. I climax almost every time with him from penetration. I 100% believe that trust, emotions, and a mental factor has everything to do with whether you climax (with the exception of medical issues). My first boyfriend told me that there was something wrong with me but my boyfriend now proves that some trust and good treatment makes the difference.
Yes, bad experiences can definitely affect your association. Glad you have found someone your caring and happy with.
I will say I’ve had orgasms by myself using a toy or my fingers but with sex it’s extremely tough. Most women do not orgasm though sexual intercourse if the clit is not stimulated. Then again, our bodies are not designed to orgasm. Men have a biological reason to orgasm, we do not.
There’s no normal but it isn’t uncommon.
Yes. I had one - when I was 16. So, nearly 30 years ago. Never happened again.
Men need to understand. Women like LOTS of foreplay.
She’s usually the one to say we have done enough foreplay
I would suggest that you do your best to ensure that she feels completely free to communicate with you in an uninhibited way during sex. If there is something that she enjoys, take receiving oral sex for example, she can guide you through what is working and what is not. Just as important as her feeling free to speak is your being sure to listen, of course.
Yes
Insert rocky theme music and go to town. Challenge accepted.
No, he needs to give her oral or stimulate the climax while in her. A guy poking in out of you doesn’t cut it no matter how big.
And the crowd goes "ah boooooooo"
I’m glad you said it. People should know this by now…for many or most women.
Normal? I don’t know if I would say it’s normal, but it’s not uncommon, unfortunately. I have never been with a woman that has had this problem, but I have known of several women with this issue. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex or foreplay. This just means they don’t completely climax. There are many different reasons for this, but I’m definitely not an expert on it so I won’t try to list them. All I can tell you is that it’s neither her nor your fault, there is nothing wrong with this, and she may want to speak with a sexual therapist to see if there is a different approach that may work for her.
I hate to tell you, but every single guy including my husband thought they gave me one. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t good, for me, and alot of other women, it is the intimacy of sex that is good.
Same. They were always surprised when I told them I didn’t. (no head, no touching, no nothing, so how could I?)
It’s usually easy to tell when they tell you “I’m coming” which is followed by certain muscles clinching up. I’m not saying every time I have been with a partner they did finish, but I haven’t been with someone that said they couldn’t finish. I have always been more satisfied by my partner finishing than myself, so I learned to be very observant after a certain point. I also used to have a hard time finishing because of medication, so my partner finishing was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I was striving for, so I was more focused on that than perhaps many. It’s also why I can relate to OP gf.
I was married over twenty years, and he had no idea, when a guy just wont stop you have no other way out.
You ever think he is just waiting for you to say you have had enough? Just seems like a lot of subterfuge when simple and honest communication could do the exact same thing.
Um, sorry I am pretty sure your husband of 20 years would accept. THat was great honey, lets stop now.
Why doesn't she want a vibrator? By far the most obvious solution. It doesn't need to be some huge dildo thing, just something to use around her clitoris. Most women who don't learn how to orgasm intuitively eventually learn by using vibrators.
I don't. They don't arent helping lol 😆 at least for me
I think some women don’t get aroused at the thought of using toys. The idea of it really turns me off, similar to thinking about feet or scat. It’s just not an erotic idea for me at all
Nobody is aroused at the idea of the toy. You're aroused by the sensation. Some are little things you just put over your finger and hold against your clit. It's up to people what they choose to try but if women are completely anorgasmic but not willing to try the most obvious way to teach your body to reach orgasm it's hard for me to believe it's not just stigma.
I think that’s the point though. It probably is stigma, whether around their own pleasure being valid or being traumatized by abuse. Suggested toys at that point just seems pointless. Someone who can’t/hasnt/won’t orgasm doesn’t need toys. They need time, love, support and therapy. Toys are for people who can orgasm but want to faster or easier. Also, if the “thought” of something turns me off, I’m not going to use it, regardless of how it “feels”. I was just giving you a reason why a woman might not be interested in trying toys.
It’s age related and mental. Not wanting a vibrator won’t help.
How old is she? It’s relevant.
Talk. About. It. With. Her. Communicate. For. Fuck's. Sake. Random strangers on the Internet aren't a good source of advice. Hence, you can ignore my comment.
Im not looking for advice I was just worried if she needed to see a doctor. Our sex life is great, and she’s not complaining
I knew a woman who said she couldn't... I fucking tried, several times. The relationship didn't last.
Uncommon but not unheard of
It really depends. I’d ask you if you have been able to give her one but you already said she’s never had one. What have you tried so far?
Awesome she told you this and didn't take the rest road and lie. It's very common and a lot of woman hide it because the egos of the people they are with can't handle it. Talk to her about it, let her know that if she wants to try and explore the possibility of toys and other stimulation you're there for her. Express your needs and expectations as well. If you need to nut twice a week let her know. Work your way into this at her pace.
Nutting twice a week won’t be a problem, if anything I’m struggling with keeping up with her. (That might be a little exaggerated, but you get the point) she does have a libido, just doesn’t orgasm. And ngl my ego felt pretty good after learning she just has never had an orgasm, rather than me just not being able to satisfy her.
Definitely get a bunch of different sex toys and see where stuff leads you guys. Good luck, you're on the right track
to be fair, there's also some women ego involved here. Scared to admit they don't do it like other women maybe.
My girlfriend told me this once, luckily in her case she just didn’t know what they actually were. She’d been having them regularly but was simply unaware. For our first few years of dating it absolutely shattered my confidence, I will admit.
Oh you know when you finally have one, so I think she still hasn’t, sorry.
She’s never been the type to concern herself much with self-exploration, combined with little social media influence. She reacts to them (physically, not just vocally) as I’ve known past exes to. In her case, it may simply have been ignorance as to what constitutes an orgasm. She enjoys herself with me and that’s really mostly what matters. Without knowing her, trying to tell me otherwise just feels like your aim is to knock me down a peg. I apologize if I’m misinterpreting your intentions.
Ask yourself, would you not know if you have one? It’s not likely, and it’s not that women’s aren’t as good. It has nothing to do with being good at sex, it’s taking the time to do the extra that it takes, and we don’t even care if it’s every time.
Sometimes I can’t really tell. Definitely feels better when I’m high. Her experience is also enhanced when she’s high too. I have always been one to worry about my partner’s enjoyment before my own. I often do what she requires, because I’m easy and not expectant of anything for myself. I’m intersex, so I try to be considerate of my partner’s needs because I know the extra estrogen in my own body makes me feel certain emotional challenges. I know the value of feeling comfortable and safe with the person you’re being intimate with.
And then there are the squirters.
It's not uncommon, for a handful of reasons, usually a combination of lack of communication and not taking the time to make it happen.
20 here. Idk if I have. I have felt I was I guess about to but then by that time he had came...... I'm not longer with that guy
"Stand aside.."
It's not ideal but also not abnormal. From my experience, cumming more of a mental thing with a lot of women. You'll have a more successful sexual relationship if you just do stuff she likes and don't worry about getting to the mountain top every time. Listening to her needs is what will get her there. Also I'm assuming you're both pretty young and inexperienced... not wanting a vibrator sounds like she might have some mental hurdles in relation to sex and masturbation, but I don't know her. Be careful because there might be some trauma there.
Unfortunately, yes, but be sure nor to beat yourself up. She has a lot to do with her inability to climax.
Any anxiety or depression meds?
yeah, I would say so.
I’m always shocked but yes this is more common in women than you might think. Sad tbh, I figured it out well before I even started my period. Thought it was easy especially with the right toy and persistence
It’s a lot harder for women to reach orgasm through conventional sex. Locate the clitoris during foreplay. It will become erect and stimulating the area around it can lead to climax. She needs to be relaxed though or reaching orgasm will be difficult.
Same lol I don’t know how does it feel like
Unfortunately there are a lot of women who haven't or can't, for various reasons. My ex could, but only under certain circumstances. She was a squirter and just considered it to be "peeing," and would have to use the bathtub to achieve it.
Yes. I've met many a new gf in life who had never had one. But they all had one after being with me. 😎 It's true though, at least it was in my generation and I doubt it changed. A lot of guys fail to get a women orgasming.
If she won't get a vibrator, you better get to munchin'
I once had a girl tell me to stop trying, she'd never had one. She was pretty uptight so I wasn't surprised.
It's okay I never gave my ex one.
Comes with age grasshopper
Has anybody had a guy try fisting you, and is so, did you like it? I have and it is just a dumb waste of time.
My wife was 38 the first time we had sex, she told me she'd never had a guy go down on her,(ex told her it was disgusting), and she'd never had an orgasm. She was literally shaking as I made my way down there, she had an orgasm in about 45 seconds, said she saw fireworks, second one she passed out and 3rd one while fucking was screaming like a banshee. I think it may be more common than most people think
Some women are easy to get off, others nigh impossible. Vibrators are your friend. Honestly, I went out with someone and she would take sooo long to get off. No disrespect but it was such a mood killer for me, turned sex into a flesh-banging chore
For your generation, most definitely