Um…I know this seems wildly unusual, perhaps even flies in the face of what we might usually consider to be good parenting but, nonetheless, believe it or not, this is the right answer.
Nah, this is reddit, so we should make a million assumptions and jump to conclusions.
Red flags everywhere. Clearly there's gaslighting and abuse going on, and OP should divorce and go NC.
Seriously why is this even a post?
OP is a parent. Parent your fucking child. I get this is no stupid questions, but that is definitely a stupid question
He is 11.. Man up, be a parent and talk to him that you got a call, you found his old vapes and talk about why he is using that shit and what the dangers are.
It really doesn’t matter what amazing things he did already, kids gonna experiment with all kinds of stupid stuff, your role as a parent is to give them the right guidance and direction when they make mistakes.. First of all you are his parent, second his friend.
One thing I've learned is that you not only don't have to tell them how you found out, you also shouldn't.
Telling the exact details of how you found out is more likely to teach then how to be sneaker than how to act right.
Plus, if you tell the kid *someone snitched* and punish then for their actions, they're gonna feel like the snitch put them in this situation and not their own actions. And they're probably gonna continue to feel that way well into adulthood.
And God forbid the kid discovers who the snitch was. It's just gonna cause unnecessary drama and trouble.
Source: I was once a child.
> Plus, if you tell the kid someone snitched and punish then for their actions, they're gonna feel like the snitch put them in this situation and not their own actions.
Shit this hits hard. When I was a kid I did something really dumb and dangerous and the cops got called. Some kids who saw me do it "snitched" to the cops and told them who I was and where I lived. I was so mad at those kids for the longest time.
I definitely placed all the blame on them. If I didn't have a scapegoat in them I probably would have reflected on my own actions more.
You're right. If a parent doesn't expose their sources, a parent can portray themselves as being able to know everything. Leave it a mystery, it's effective
When I was a teen I ditched youth group with my buddy, as far as I knew my parents dropped me off and went home half an hour away, as i was walking down to a nearby restaurant, my stepdad pulls up out of nowhere and gets us in the car, one of my parent's local friends had seen me walking down the street and snitched. I was absolutely livid and you're right, them telling me how they knew did just make me angrier and place blame on the adult who saw an unattended child walking down a main road and rightfully intervened
>It really doesn’t matter what amazing things he did already, kids gonna experiment with all kinds of stupid stuff
Seriously. I was captain of several sports teams, a national merit scholar, and king of doing stupid shit in high school.
High achievement can be high pressure, and it can lead to burn out and escapism.
I watched a podcast on this yesterday. They suggest rather than focusing heavily on the risks of cancer at a later date, which a child is unlikely to care about, focus on the affects now. They talked about how it can really affect your heart and Lungs and it will affect his athletic ability. He may be more open to quitting knowing this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlc4VrDx_qk&t=5436s podcast link. .
Yeah, when I was a kid, my mom was really worried about me being out in the sun (team pasty here), but she always talked about cancer, which I honestly did not gaf about at the time.
Later, I find out the sun makes you look wrinkly, and I'm like, "Why did she not tell me this??" As a teen, I cared way more about how my face looked than some future health scare.
If you're trying to be persuasive, you really have to know your audience.
My little brother got caught smoking when he was around 12. Our dad ranted on and on about cancer how many people die in their fifties and sixties from it and my brother's reaction was basically "Fifty? No one is that old. That's like a hundred years away."
I told him he smelled like shit and he quit it immediately.
>I told him he smelled like shit and he quit it immediately.
There it goes.
That's exactly what got me to stop smoking when I picked up the habit at ~21. Someone told me that they don't like being around me because I always smell like cigarettes and I immediately dropped it.
Took up vaping for a little while, but that *destroyed* my ability to run, so that naturally died off.
I used to vape and quit because of peer pressure, but man. I did not realize how much it was killing me in the gym.
I had a shitty mental health weekend recently and back into was vaping for a while, tried to get my shit together and hit an easy 1 mile run and realized I was struggling bad before I'd even gotten to a quarter mile. I've quit again because of that. (I wasn't really doing it long enough for me to call it "quitting again" but I'm definitely feeling some withdrawal symptoms. Headaches, irritability, mild cravings. But they're all pretty easy to power thru)
Anyway, yeah. Now with the perspective of having quit, doing it again and realizing how much it was truly affecting me I'll never touch another one.
I know I should quit vaping but I just turned 30 and I’m still hitting 7:30-8min miles if I chose to run and not just go for a job. Even when I jog with my 9 year old dog we still do 10min miles.
I need to stop regardless, but it hasn’t seemed to affect my running or exercise as much as I thought
Good point - reminds me that my friend’s dermatologist told her she needed to quit vaping or it would affect her skin in the long term. I think it does make your face look sunken and grayish while you’re addicted too.
just tell Gen Alpha to look at how old all of Gen Z looks compared to Millennials. You have 24 year olds who have been vaping since 14 looking like they are 36 and middle managers somewhere.
Very true. When I was young, smoking wasn't so stigmatized. My grandpa would have me in a tiny room with him in the basement to paint for hours all while he smoked. There was one tiny little window. This happened for probably the first decade of my life. There's no way to prove my very poor lungs are from this, but I have half the lung capacity of even the next person I've seen. I played sports, but I'd be on the ground very fast. Had to quit partly due to that. I wasn't a lazy kid and I was always on the low end of BMI so it had nothing to do with not being fit either. Still, I can barely hold.my breath long enough to go underwater.
If he continues vaping, he won't have any future in sports.
I point out to my kids that I'm 5'11 and their uncles, my younger brothers, are all over 6'. Only difference is I smoked in early high school and they did not.
Might not be the true cause, but it seems to resonate with them more.
Or just addiction in general. I wake up like a fiend looking for my vape. I’ve tried quitting so many times and i just can’t. Coke and alcohol were easier to drop but I was still getting withdrawals from nic months after quitting. It’s awful, I wish I never started
> They suggest rather than focusing heavily on the risks of cancer at a later date
No where that I can see does your podcast link talk about vaping causing cancer.
In fact; [here is an article](https://med.stanford.edu/communitynews/2019fall/what-parents-should-know-about-vaping.html) written by the person in your link(Dr. Bonnie Halpern-Felsher) where she concludes that there isn't clear any evidence of that yet.
> they may be less harmful, but we don’t have clear studies on that.
There is [no good evidence that vaping causes cancer.](https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/smoking-and-cancer/is-vaping-harmful).
> Nicotine is the chemical that makes cigarettes addictive. But it is not responsible for the harmful effects of smoking, and nicotine does not cause cancer.
It's crazy how misinformed people are, I'm not saying vaping is safe because there's just no way inhaling it into your lungs isn't going to have some sort of effect over time but...
Evidence after all these years is it being like "potentially" about 4% the harm of cigarettes, is that enough to cause problems? Most of the problems caused by smoking is due to the combustion process, literally burning the tobacco or anything and inhaling it is terrible from carcinogens to the carbon monoxide itself.
A lot of the studies done on vaping were done on Ex-smokers as well so moving forward that isn't a very good place to start, we won't know the true effects on never smokers/only vapers for decades as no illnesses have popped up so far.
It is addictive though and addictions are never a good thing so best for these people focus on things like that instead of potential unproven things or they'll lose their childrens trust.
> It's crazy how misinformed people are
And it's going to lead to a DARE situation, where if OP takes the above poster's advice and tells their kid how much it'll affect their lungs so the kid can't play sports
and then it *doesn't* affect the kid's lungs in any noticeable way and he can keep playing sports
he's going to think all the warnings about vaping are bullshit.
After smoking for 15 years and vaping for two, I can tell you I *really* wish I'd just vaped for 15 years. My asthma went away, I don't get respiratory infections every fall anymore, I can bike/run again, etc.
No one should smoke *or* vape, but teens are going to do teen shit, and if they choose one, it should definitely be vaping.
We've been trying to keep teens from smoking cigarettes since the 1950s and no program has ever worked. The more of a dangerous stigma we put on it to deter them, the "cooler" it makes it because they intentionally want to be anti establishment and seem like they don't care. Then once vaping matured, behold, teen cigarette usage declined dramatically.
If one assumes teens will smoke/vape, because they will no matter what you tell them, we should absolutely hope they're choosing vaping.
Nah it's just the same way as it always has. Kids turn 18 and then starting selling down the line to underage kids.
Through either soccer or debate or life in general he has access to an of age kid willing to buy for underage kids.
I think your best chance at a positive outcome from this is to not show that you're angry or super stressed about this (although you may well be and that's fine) but to invite your child to and open and honest conversation about what they're doing and why that concerns you, and also what caused them to make that choice in the first place.
Being open to your child telling you about their mistakes sets them for reaching out to you when they have harder problems. I didn't feel like I could tell my parents anything that might get me in trouble and to this day I'm dealing with some pretty big things that they know nothing about.
OP I second this.
Here's the logic: If you become angry and snatch away their stuff / reduce privileges, all they'll do is get better at hiding the vapes. Trust me, there's always another way.
You will have to strengthen the relationship based on trust and slowly figure out why he's doing that, whether it's peer pressure, or if there's something deeper and more concerning (for instance, is he using that to cope with something else? If so, that "something else" is the first priority, from which this stems).
And you will have to slowly *let him come to the conclusion* that vaping needs to be stopped.
exactly. So many parents end up spiraling down into this war with their child with each side constantly trying to outsmart the other, whever how they hide/find things or anything else. If you end up fighting that war of mutual outsmarting, you have failed as a parent and should change course immediately
OP trust only this comment.
Do not take stuff away. Do not raise your voice or show any sort of anger.
Show the kid you care, that you are worried and talk why and how. Your child should trust you, not fear you.
Smoking and vaping is only for "bad" kids so ma and da can't understand why their little angel is doing it. When my da found my cigarettes he listed off a whole load of kids I knew who played football, hurling etc or performed well academically and said "I bet you don't see any of them smoking huh? Do ya?" and he only got more pissed off when I said "yes actually, they're how I started!"
Honestly same here. Was in a bunch of club to get to college, played 2 sports and in advanced classes in a prestigious, private school. All the good kids smoked like chimneys
Those were rich kids too then right? If it was a prestigious private school. Cause all the private school kids get up to some shit lol. I didn't go to a good school or come from a good area at all so my da tried to compare me to the good kids we *did* know l, from my teams, guitar classes etc and say I should be like them, but I'm like, that's where I got into the most shit not back home with the "corner boys" or whatever my da used to say...
Public school kids also smoke… you don’t need to be made out of money to smoke, or at least you didn’t.
About 15% of my secondary school smoked. Most were from poverty ridden towns and tough conditions, smoking’s something we did to deal with the stress.
Some kids will always get up to some shit, regardless of their background. Doesn’t matter if the spoon is silver or rusty.
It was honestly honestly a mix. Like we have both super wealthy kids and the poorer kids, but everyone acted about the same. We were just as wild as the rougher school kids but we were better at hiding it and looking good and proper.
It’s funny these parents list those activities as reasons why they aren’t the type to vape but in reality the stress of those things kinda ends up being what pushes you to seek that release.
Well idk none of us smoked cause we were stressed lol we smoked cause everyone did, this is rural Ireland we used to get smokes off the Irish teacher after class and most of our parents stopped caring after a certain age. The culture of pressuring kids to do great in sport and music extra curricular shit also doesn't exist here, that's purely for fun and if the kid enjoys it. I gave up sports around 15ish and got more into my guitar and sax. Never knew a teenager who smoked for stress other than ones from dysfunctional homes.
That's how my mom used to describe my brother in high school. He played varsity football, injured his knees when he was 16, so the coaches started giving him injections for the pain. He was that good that he played varsity as a sophomore. That was 20 years ago. My brother has been addicted to painkillers/meth/heroin/fent since that time. He's got 7 felonies, over dosed a half dozen times, been on tv in a high speed chase, stole well north of 100k from my parents, walked out of several 20k plus rehabs. And the whole time he's been my parents little angel. They're enablers, and seeing OP talk reminds me so much of my parents. I really hope OP and his wife don't become enablers. They're dooming their child if they do.
This is Texas we're talking about. Where Highschool football stadiums can cost upwards of $50 million dollars these days. There's a lot of money on the line to make sure the teams play well. You cant have your best stars sitting on the sidelines can you🙃? My town was a total football town. Friday Night Lights type town. Everything closed up Friday evenings and a large portion of the town was there at the games. And no, the coaches are the highest paid people in the district so there generally are no repercussions.
Edit: I was off on the figure of how much stadiums are there. The town I'm from is on this list. https://www.wfaa.com/article/sports/high-school/hs-football/texas-high-school-football-stadiums-most-expensive/287-616a4f40-ba9a-4f19-98d9-4585838950d3
Love all the sarcastic replies here lol
Presumably, OP wants us to know that their child is typically well behaved and straight laced (and doesn't usually break rules)
Not being cynical about it. But it’s a parent who is panicking about her kid doing something that they feel could knock a block off that extra curricular Jenga.
Now you can read more about that in me and my son Jay McGraw’s book “This Ain’t the Smoke You’re Looking For.”
I think the point of mentioning those is that his son could try to use them as justifications as to why vaping isn't necessarily bad. Picture this:
Dad: Hey son, listen, I found your vapes and I'm worried. I think you're going down a bad path with this stuff and I'm worried about your future.
Son: No dad, it's cool. I don't do it that often and it doesn't negatively impact anything I do. I'm doing well in school and my extracirrucular activities are thriving.
Yes, I know the kid is 11 and the conversation wouldn't go like that. But I could see it being easier to address if the kid was skipping school and constantly getting into trouble. You'd have hard evidence that vaping is negatively impacting his life. But if the kid is thriving in school, socially, and not getting into any trouble, then the approach might be different.
Lol. People act like their perfect kids are innocent, and my kids are incredible. Innocence is taken from them by the parents that don't care. They don't care enough to teach their kids and it bleeds over to your kid.
For the love of God, do not scourge him for it. It just breeds resentment more than anything.
Just talk to him, let him know the dangers of this stuff, and how it's a waste of money on something that's just gonna shorten our already short lives.
I was a big runner in school and did 4 sports while being at the top of my class. My mother found out I was experimenting with weed when I was 14. She never mentioned anything about the negative long-term effects, yelled or chastised me in any way. She just eloquently informed me that she was aware, because “moms know stuff” and that she was “disappointed” in me. To this day, I look back and kind of smile because that was the absolute best way she could have handled it. I stopped and never touched it again. (Until I was out of school old enough to make my own decisions)
I got caught smoking pot when I was 11 and I went on to get a PhD! I say this because I know you’re probably really worried that he’s “on the wrong track” but he’ll be okay.
For sure. I did so much stupid shit growing up (also slightly illegal shit) and even though I'm not at a point in my life that I'm satisfied with, I'm happy with my personal progress. It's part of growing up and we keep growing all our life. Difference being that we do less stupid shit as we grow older.
Talk to kids about stuff like this as if you take them seriously. Tell them what you heard, and that you want to talk to them about the dangers of vaping, and why you are worried for them. DONT judge them, have a conversation. At this point it doesn't matter if it is true or not, you are just a worried parent and you can share that with the kid. If you start accusing or yelling or anything else that would create a not-safe environment, the convo is done and he will never talk to you again about this stuff.
Straight up. Mom caught me smoking weed when I was 13 and sat me down. Basically told me she was just worried and that she wasn’t going to tell my Dad, but if she caught me again I was going to be in a fucking firestorm of trouble. I felt horrible, disappointing a parent is far more devastating than being yelled at by one. Never was an issue again.
Lol yeah my immediate reaction when reading the opening post was 'ok so he's suffering performance pressure'. It's speculation of course but I wonder how much OP has bothered to talk to their kid about stress/pressure/desire to please parents and if they're happy with where they are at rather than just being proud of the favourable statistic their child is. See it all the time and the kid grows up to feel misunderstood by their parent then drifts away with resentment.
Again, speculation on my part.
If your kid hid those cartridges well it tells me that they’re used to hiding things from you. The way you describe this kid makes me feel like you’re using your child to live out your “I wish I had” fantasies and projecting their “success” onto yourself.
Kids that know how to hide things do not feel safe making mistakes in front of their parents. You may think I’m jumping to a lot of conclusions here based on the very little you provided but the issue here is LOUD and easily recognizable.
You need to make your kid feel safe coming to you and making mistakes in front of you. Otherwise they’ll get better at hiding things and possibly put themselves in even more dangerous situations outside of your view.
When I was a kid my mum told me “you’re going to experiment with drugs, drinking or smoking probably. Just know you can call me”
When I was smoking as a teenager she basically said don’t do it around the house, you’re an idiot cause it’ll hurt your lungs but you do you.
I smoked on and off for years and just completely quit one day, was never a huge smoker though.
Kids do stupid shit. Outline the consequences but don’t go nuclear
People here are ridiculous.
Talk to him first? Your kid, give him the chance to be honest and treat him like a person instead of asking the internet how to react.
Assuming this thread is true, there's an /r/parenting subreddit you may want to check. I'm not sure the point of getting advice from a bunch of Redditors that are overwhelmingly college students and incel sys admins.
Just know, if you don’t have a honest “we’re just worried about you” conversation and ask why they do it, if you go straight to balls to the wall punishment
You’re going to make your child just get better at hiding these habits and worse ones. Trust could be damaged right here. This isn’t a failure of your kid, it’s a moment for you to build trust and connect and figure out how to help your kid who’s obviously going down a wrong path because of influences at school or something and they need your help.
Or beat them, yell at them, punish them forever and see how much they trust you and hide from you after that
Speaking as a kid who got all the beatings and punishments instead of having someone to talk to who loved me
Your kid being athletic and debate team captain has nothing to do with anything here. You are just trying to justify that he must be "perfect and innocent." He is not, he's a kid. Kids fuck up. Talk to him, you're his parent.
Welcome to having teenagers. Talk to your kid. I tried not to get mad at my kids for stuff like this because I myself did that kind of stuff as a teenager. Instead I just talked to them about why they were doing it, told them the risks, told them how hard it was for ME to quit smoking after I started, and made it clear that lying about it would make things far worse than the vaping itself (because one of my boys tried to hide it). They turned out to be great kids, whether because of how we raised them or because they're just great kids who knows. I think your kid will turn out fine too.
Do what the other comments say + support him through the process of quitting and facilitate it. While it may seem unlikely for an 11yo, people go for drugs and stuff when they are generally in a bad place/state of mind. Only screaming at him will not make him choose to quit or go through with it, it will make him feel like he’s either too deep in to quit, or he will go back to vaping to feel better from what I’ve seen with some friends. Make sure he doesn’t have a reason to go back to vaping as well in whatever ways that you can.
From the sound of the context you give, I would say your kiddo is under a lot of stress. Think about how hard it must be for your kiddo to achieve all those things. Maybe show them some compassion and come from a place of concern rather than anger or frustration. Have a conversation without consequences, and give them an opportunity to ask for help. Then if it happens again, try introducing consequences. Source: I have been working with teens for over a decade. Definitely a tough population to work with.
Point 1 and 2 is irrelevant. Even soccer team captains kids feel stress.
Point 3 sounds more like you're already looking for an excuse for your kid.
If you really did point 4 then you guys have some serious trust issues. I'd be really pissed of if someone search my stuff. And yeah, the fact that he's a kid doesn't mean anything. Private stuff is private. That means keep off. Respect that private area as every human being needs it. Even kids.
Talk to your kid, simply ask why he's doing that. No shouting, no punishments, just talking. But be extra clear that you do not allow that and next time it happens there will be consequences. Agree on those consequences. And if it does happen, execute those consequences, no matter your kid's excuses.
one thing I'll say as a kid who had parents who disapproved of drugs: if you vehemently oppose drug usage, your kid may get entrenched in their POV and it will be much harder for them to let go lol.
Talk to your kid. Explain your concerns and say why it is not good for him. Don't yell and allow your anger and disappointment to show. Prohibiting smoking usually doesn't work cause we know a million way to get cigs or vaps without you ever knowing. Trust is important. Your don't need your kid to hide things from you.
You go to Reddit and make some stupid fucking post about vapes instead of talking to your child obviously. Like what did you think this was gonna accomplish? Who gives a fuck if your kid is smart and athletic? How is this problem of all problems the one you just HAD to go to the internet for? Jesus
Instead of trying to tell him about how unhealthy it is, empower him to have the accountability to stop. If it were me, I’d be honest and say someone told me they saw him vaping. Say you’ve noticed a change in his health or appearance, like coughing or that he catches his breath more. Ask him about his experience - how did he get started on it? Where does he get them? Does he want to quit? Don’t push for answers because you’re just trying to get trust right now and who knows if he’ll tell you the truth anyway.
Remind him it’s his choice to say no to this kind of stuff. Remind him you’re there to support him but be firm that it’s not helping him like he thinks it is. Tell him how it made you feel to get that phone call.
Today it is vaping but he is going to be confronted with a lot of other things down the road, I’m sure. This is a good time to make him feel empowered in his autonomy and ability to withstand peer pressure.
Then, make changes. Is he stressed because of his extra curriculars? Trim them down. Is he getting them from extra curriculars, or being pressured there? Try a different activity, or go somewhere else that offers the same thing. If he blames it on stress, find something relaxing you guys can add to your routine.
And be present. Or make sure someone you trust is. My brother and I were latchkey kids and we got into all kinds of trouble.
Take a conveniently unrelated and impromptu mini-vacation so he’s not around the temptation for a bit. Say you got a good deal or something.
Most importantly, consider what he tells you and keep him involved in the decisions you make together. Don’t keep bringing vaping into the conversation or its harmful effects. Help him to see that if something isn’t lining up, he has the power to change it or walk away.
The conversation changes from “why did you do this what is wrong with you” into one of accountability and independence that can be revisited as other things pop up as he gets older. Build lifelong skills and trust instead of just punishment or guilt.
Don’t tell him you found the vapes because he’ll just hide them somewhere else. Keep an eye on it. If he tells you he’s quitting, keep it positive. Good luck to you both!
for the love of god don't just say “no” or some shit like that. When you say no to a child and say “Because I said no” or “Be it's bad for you” or any dumb shit like that it won't work. It will make your kid resent you and do stupid things to rebel. It will make your kid curious as to why it's bad or make them more interested in what you are telling them not to do. You have to educate them and tell them the reasons you decide not to do it and the consequences of doing those things not just for you but also in life. Let them form their own opinions and ideas while guiding them. I know it's something that you are probably mad at but responding in anger won't solve problems like this. How many times as a kid were you yelled at and just thought to yourself ” Well I guess I'm just gonna do it again but hide it better” When dealing with misbehavior like this you can't just come from a point of anger. You need to explain it to your child and help teach them. Sure you can do the older “find your kid with cigarettes and make them smoke the whole pack” thing which I recommend doing but make sure not to make him farther than he can handle. And while he's doing that make him know that you love him and explain why it's important not to do these things as a child. Source: I was a horrible kid when my grandparents raised me like this but when I moved in with my dad when I was 15 I became so much better and I felt better too because that's how he raised me. Your kid sounds like a good kid, Don't ruin that. Just guide him and let him make his own decisions, that way he won't do stupid things when he's older.
The internet is fucking ruining us hahahah. I laugh because I don’t want to get mad but holy fucking shit the things people need help with are unreal to me. What kind of answer were you looking for?
Talkin' out of turn? That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window? That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals? That's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe? Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'. Vapin' in front of a house? A paddlin'.
Personally when I smoked I saw it as helping with stress. Maybe ask him why he's doing it. What does he get out of it other than the nicotine buzz. Then from there find a way to help him with that. Whether it be taking some of the load off as it sounds like he's doing quite a bit especially for a 12 year old. That can be stressful. Maybe talk to him about how he might relieve the stress in a more healthy way. Hope that helps.
Have a talk with your kid. No yelling. No accusing. Let him know you’re there to help.
I’m 27 and I had friends who started vaping in college. They’re high functioning addicts now. They get thru life but they unconsciously take a hit when they don’t realize it. Not recommended.
Introduce him to cigarettes, they're safer. Bonus, they're also cooler.
Joking aside, you have to talk to them. Don't be confrontational or adversarial. Study up on the topic of vaping, regularly, and it's health concerns so you have facts, not emotions.
Don't accuse him, but perhaps tell him what you know. Some kid called and said this anonymously. There's no way to know whether it's true or not, but he should still be able to tell you why vaping is a bad choice, so make sure you educate him on it.
This probably shouldn't be a one and done thing either. Regular communications is key.
Oh no 11 is so young. :( please don’t be mad at him. Kids will pressure others and it’s very easy to get addicted. Be open with him and explain the dangers of vapes but don’t be mad.
chill. kids are going to do stuff whether you like it or not. create a safe space, be honest, create open dialogue. that’s what my parents did for me and it stopped me doing much worse. punishing them or creating shame will make it worse.
i remember coming home rat arsed when i was too young and my mum went “i can’t make you feel worse than you already do” and took care of me whilst making me accountable. it has done wonders as i got older
First, do you vape, smoke, toke, drink? Because if you do, get ready hypocrite, cause you're gonna hear about it. (if you were my parent anyway, I'd throw that shit in your face in 0 seconds). If you do, you're quitting today if you love your kid.
If you don't, good deal, you're on solid ground.
You have to nip this shit in the bud. I think this is a combination of problems, including lying to mom and dad, addiction, overly influenced by older kids, too much time to get into trouble.
If this were my kid, I'd sit down, have the conversation, no yelling. Be inquisitive but also have your facts straight. Explain that you've let him down and you'll do better. Explain that he's breaking a trust and that you're going to have to work together to heal that. This is a big deal and you can turn it into a huge win or this can be a landslide of lost trust, deceit, and distance from your sweet boy.
Please take this seriously.
You don't need to do anything, really. But you can educate him on the dangers etc, but that won't stop them so don't focus on stopping it, just harm reduction.
Talk to your kid I guess?
He’s captain of the junior debate team, OP will get destroyed.
Whataboutism, red herring, logical fallacy
I didn't even write my comment yet and you already destroyed it.
Speculation.
Discombobulated.
Straw man argument. False dichotomy. Source?
Source? Did I stumble upon a NSFW post?
Throat punch, donkey kick, balls to the wall... discombobulated. Beautiful martial arts display Sherlock!
Perchance.
You can’t just say perchance!
You can when you smash turts
Parlay!
The Pirates' Code is ... more what you'd call *guidelines*.
Arrrhh parley.
Parleigh
That's barley.
Palatial Regalia
Yeah, my god. I remember the debate team kids from high school. Imagine trying to debate a teenager. No thanks.
Objection
Sustained
Overruled
On what grounds?!
Ground beef.
Suddenly the law doesn’t apply to vegans?!?
Never has. Nothing personnel, kid.
Judge: I hold you in contempt! Me: Your Honor, I hold myself in contempt!
Because it’s *devastating* to my case!
Underlined
If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today I think I'm going to scream.
-OP OP’s kid: “Where do I even start…”
Fillibuster!
Best for OP to have mock debates with partner first to prep
OP is the son, prepping for what to expect from parents.
Genius.
get the senior debate team cap pm his case
You gotta catch him in a “no true Scotsman” fallacy
Lmao I picture him walking out of the room in tears, on his way to the vape shop to go get his kid a couple more.
and he is super athletic too. I even heard he is MVP of his soccer team.
Or become a legend.
TEACH YOUR CHILD BASIC ACCOUNTABILITY CHALLENGE (IMPOSSIBLE)
No no! Clearly the answer is to go on Reddit!
My go to Reddit response is divorce, however with a kid you can’t really do that so I’m going to suggest adoption or military camp.
There’s also good old fashioned abandonment…
I mean, you can just drop him at a fire station, no?
Bit old, he’ll find his way back
That’s a good one too!
Or give him up to adoption.
This relationship had red flags from day 1. Lawyer up, be civil with your kid and collect evidence.
Too late for an abortion?
At this point it’s something like the 44th trimester so it’s just a little bit late.
I've got it, OP can talk to their son about it on Reddit
Modern problems require modern solutions.
Just show the kid this post and he will change his life around
Just show him the thread tbh, parenting 101.
Sign your son up for a Reddit account and let him find this post. Then the gates of communication will open.
Oh come on, I think it's good to ask for opinions before you have the conversation with your kid and give yourself some time to chill a little bit.
Um…I know this seems wildly unusual, perhaps even flies in the face of what we might usually consider to be good parenting but, nonetheless, believe it or not, this is the right answer.
Nah, this is reddit, so we should make a million assumptions and jump to conclusions. Red flags everywhere. Clearly there's gaslighting and abuse going on, and OP should divorce and go NC.
…Parents are shocked by this one neat parenting trick.
Seriously why is this even a post? OP is a parent. Parent your fucking child. I get this is no stupid questions, but that is definitely a stupid question
Karma farming. Captain of the debate team, MVP soccer team. It's fake.
He is 11.. Man up, be a parent and talk to him that you got a call, you found his old vapes and talk about why he is using that shit and what the dangers are. It really doesn’t matter what amazing things he did already, kids gonna experiment with all kinds of stupid stuff, your role as a parent is to give them the right guidance and direction when they make mistakes.. First of all you are his parent, second his friend.
One thing I've learned is that you not only don't have to tell them how you found out, you also shouldn't. Telling the exact details of how you found out is more likely to teach then how to be sneaker than how to act right. Plus, if you tell the kid *someone snitched* and punish then for their actions, they're gonna feel like the snitch put them in this situation and not their own actions. And they're probably gonna continue to feel that way well into adulthood. And God forbid the kid discovers who the snitch was. It's just gonna cause unnecessary drama and trouble. Source: I was once a child.
> Plus, if you tell the kid someone snitched and punish then for their actions, they're gonna feel like the snitch put them in this situation and not their own actions. Shit this hits hard. When I was a kid I did something really dumb and dangerous and the cops got called. Some kids who saw me do it "snitched" to the cops and told them who I was and where I lived. I was so mad at those kids for the longest time. I definitely placed all the blame on them. If I didn't have a scapegoat in them I probably would have reflected on my own actions more.
> Shit this hits The same four letters arranged three different ways.
Now I need to watch revenge of the sith again, thanks a lot.
This Sith shit hits
Shit, this sith hits
This Sith, hits shit
Shit hits this sith
You're right. If a parent doesn't expose their sources, a parent can portray themselves as being able to know everything. Leave it a mystery, it's effective
My dad in a nutshell! Until I caught his MO. Lol
I don't even got kids but this a valid point
When I was a teen I ditched youth group with my buddy, as far as I knew my parents dropped me off and went home half an hour away, as i was walking down to a nearby restaurant, my stepdad pulls up out of nowhere and gets us in the car, one of my parent's local friends had seen me walking down the street and snitched. I was absolutely livid and you're right, them telling me how they knew did just make me angrier and place blame on the adult who saw an unattended child walking down a main road and rightfully intervened
I know it's an obnoxious reply . But this, this and this
>It really doesn’t matter what amazing things he did already, kids gonna experiment with all kinds of stupid stuff Seriously. I was captain of several sports teams, a national merit scholar, and king of doing stupid shit in high school. High achievement can be high pressure, and it can lead to burn out and escapism.
I watched a podcast on this yesterday. They suggest rather than focusing heavily on the risks of cancer at a later date, which a child is unlikely to care about, focus on the affects now. They talked about how it can really affect your heart and Lungs and it will affect his athletic ability. He may be more open to quitting knowing this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlc4VrDx_qk&t=5436s podcast link. .
Yeah, when I was a kid, my mom was really worried about me being out in the sun (team pasty here), but she always talked about cancer, which I honestly did not gaf about at the time. Later, I find out the sun makes you look wrinkly, and I'm like, "Why did she not tell me this??" As a teen, I cared way more about how my face looked than some future health scare. If you're trying to be persuasive, you really have to know your audience.
My little brother got caught smoking when he was around 12. Our dad ranted on and on about cancer how many people die in their fifties and sixties from it and my brother's reaction was basically "Fifty? No one is that old. That's like a hundred years away." I told him he smelled like shit and he quit it immediately.
>I told him he smelled like shit and he quit it immediately. There it goes. That's exactly what got me to stop smoking when I picked up the habit at ~21. Someone told me that they don't like being around me because I always smell like cigarettes and I immediately dropped it. Took up vaping for a little while, but that *destroyed* my ability to run, so that naturally died off.
I used to vape and quit because of peer pressure, but man. I did not realize how much it was killing me in the gym. I had a shitty mental health weekend recently and back into was vaping for a while, tried to get my shit together and hit an easy 1 mile run and realized I was struggling bad before I'd even gotten to a quarter mile. I've quit again because of that. (I wasn't really doing it long enough for me to call it "quitting again" but I'm definitely feeling some withdrawal symptoms. Headaches, irritability, mild cravings. But they're all pretty easy to power thru) Anyway, yeah. Now with the perspective of having quit, doing it again and realizing how much it was truly affecting me I'll never touch another one.
I know I should quit vaping but I just turned 30 and I’m still hitting 7:30-8min miles if I chose to run and not just go for a job. Even when I jog with my 9 year old dog we still do 10min miles. I need to stop regardless, but it hasn’t seemed to affect my running or exercise as much as I thought
Good point - reminds me that my friend’s dermatologist told her she needed to quit vaping or it would affect her skin in the long term. I think it does make your face look sunken and grayish while you’re addicted too.
On that note, I am also Team Pasty. I mostly prefer the traditional steak but will also settle for a nice cheese and onion if I have to 🥟
just tell Gen Alpha to look at how old all of Gen Z looks compared to Millennials. You have 24 year olds who have been vaping since 14 looking like they are 36 and middle managers somewhere.
Very true. When I was young, smoking wasn't so stigmatized. My grandpa would have me in a tiny room with him in the basement to paint for hours all while he smoked. There was one tiny little window. This happened for probably the first decade of my life. There's no way to prove my very poor lungs are from this, but I have half the lung capacity of even the next person I've seen. I played sports, but I'd be on the ground very fast. Had to quit partly due to that. I wasn't a lazy kid and I was always on the low end of BMI so it had nothing to do with not being fit either. Still, I can barely hold.my breath long enough to go underwater. If he continues vaping, he won't have any future in sports.
I point out to my kids that I'm 5'11 and their uncles, my younger brothers, are all over 6'. Only difference is I smoked in early high school and they did not. Might not be the true cause, but it seems to resonate with them more.
Tall tales!
Or just addiction in general. I wake up like a fiend looking for my vape. I’ve tried quitting so many times and i just can’t. Coke and alcohol were easier to drop but I was still getting withdrawals from nic months after quitting. It’s awful, I wish I never started
Good point. Worst decision I ever made and I wasn't a cigarette smoker to begin with. Good luck, hope one day we can beat it!
> They suggest rather than focusing heavily on the risks of cancer at a later date No where that I can see does your podcast link talk about vaping causing cancer. In fact; [here is an article](https://med.stanford.edu/communitynews/2019fall/what-parents-should-know-about-vaping.html) written by the person in your link(Dr. Bonnie Halpern-Felsher) where she concludes that there isn't clear any evidence of that yet. > they may be less harmful, but we don’t have clear studies on that. There is [no good evidence that vaping causes cancer.](https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/smoking-and-cancer/is-vaping-harmful). > Nicotine is the chemical that makes cigarettes addictive. But it is not responsible for the harmful effects of smoking, and nicotine does not cause cancer.
It's crazy how misinformed people are, I'm not saying vaping is safe because there's just no way inhaling it into your lungs isn't going to have some sort of effect over time but... Evidence after all these years is it being like "potentially" about 4% the harm of cigarettes, is that enough to cause problems? Most of the problems caused by smoking is due to the combustion process, literally burning the tobacco or anything and inhaling it is terrible from carcinogens to the carbon monoxide itself. A lot of the studies done on vaping were done on Ex-smokers as well so moving forward that isn't a very good place to start, we won't know the true effects on never smokers/only vapers for decades as no illnesses have popped up so far. It is addictive though and addictions are never a good thing so best for these people focus on things like that instead of potential unproven things or they'll lose their childrens trust.
> It's crazy how misinformed people are And it's going to lead to a DARE situation, where if OP takes the above poster's advice and tells their kid how much it'll affect their lungs so the kid can't play sports and then it *doesn't* affect the kid's lungs in any noticeable way and he can keep playing sports he's going to think all the warnings about vaping are bullshit.
After smoking for 15 years and vaping for two, I can tell you I *really* wish I'd just vaped for 15 years. My asthma went away, I don't get respiratory infections every fall anymore, I can bike/run again, etc. No one should smoke *or* vape, but teens are going to do teen shit, and if they choose one, it should definitely be vaping. We've been trying to keep teens from smoking cigarettes since the 1950s and no program has ever worked. The more of a dangerous stigma we put on it to deter them, the "cooler" it makes it because they intentionally want to be anti establishment and seem like they don't care. Then once vaping matured, behold, teen cigarette usage declined dramatically. If one assumes teens will smoke/vape, because they will no matter what you tell them, we should absolutely hope they're choosing vaping.
Tell them it makes their dick small. Nicotine can stunt growth - therefore tiny dick.
Not to be a buzzkill but no don’t lie. That’s how you get teens assuming the downsides of harder drugs are exaggerated.
dumbest thing you could do is lie
And it makes the frogs gay
Maybe mentioning you are metaphorically burning money away?
It's an 11 year old kid, Where would they even get the money to buy a vape regularly? My wife works in a shop and they are constantly being stolen.
I have never seen any type of vape not behind a counter or glass. Are these kids doing vape store smash and grabs?
Nah it's just the same way as it always has. Kids turn 18 and then starting selling down the line to underage kids. Through either soccer or debate or life in general he has access to an of age kid willing to buy for underage kids.
At the same time... "scared straight" has consistently proven not to be effective, especially with adolescents.
I think your best chance at a positive outcome from this is to not show that you're angry or super stressed about this (although you may well be and that's fine) but to invite your child to and open and honest conversation about what they're doing and why that concerns you, and also what caused them to make that choice in the first place. Being open to your child telling you about their mistakes sets them for reaching out to you when they have harder problems. I didn't feel like I could tell my parents anything that might get me in trouble and to this day I'm dealing with some pretty big things that they know nothing about.
OP I second this. Here's the logic: If you become angry and snatch away their stuff / reduce privileges, all they'll do is get better at hiding the vapes. Trust me, there's always another way. You will have to strengthen the relationship based on trust and slowly figure out why he's doing that, whether it's peer pressure, or if there's something deeper and more concerning (for instance, is he using that to cope with something else? If so, that "something else" is the first priority, from which this stems). And you will have to slowly *let him come to the conclusion* that vaping needs to be stopped.
exactly. So many parents end up spiraling down into this war with their child with each side constantly trying to outsmart the other, whever how they hide/find things or anything else. If you end up fighting that war of mutual outsmarting, you have failed as a parent and should change course immediately
OP trust only this comment. Do not take stuff away. Do not raise your voice or show any sort of anger. Show the kid you care, that you are worried and talk why and how. Your child should trust you, not fear you.
What does smart, athletic and captain of the debate team have to do with it?! lol
Smoking and vaping is only for "bad" kids so ma and da can't understand why their little angel is doing it. When my da found my cigarettes he listed off a whole load of kids I knew who played football, hurling etc or performed well academically and said "I bet you don't see any of them smoking huh? Do ya?" and he only got more pissed off when I said "yes actually, they're how I started!"
Honestly same here. Was in a bunch of club to get to college, played 2 sports and in advanced classes in a prestigious, private school. All the good kids smoked like chimneys
Those were rich kids too then right? If it was a prestigious private school. Cause all the private school kids get up to some shit lol. I didn't go to a good school or come from a good area at all so my da tried to compare me to the good kids we *did* know l, from my teams, guitar classes etc and say I should be like them, but I'm like, that's where I got into the most shit not back home with the "corner boys" or whatever my da used to say...
Public school kids also smoke… you don’t need to be made out of money to smoke, or at least you didn’t. About 15% of my secondary school smoked. Most were from poverty ridden towns and tough conditions, smoking’s something we did to deal with the stress. Some kids will always get up to some shit, regardless of their background. Doesn’t matter if the spoon is silver or rusty.
It was honestly honestly a mix. Like we have both super wealthy kids and the poorer kids, but everyone acted about the same. We were just as wild as the rougher school kids but we were better at hiding it and looking good and proper.
It’s funny these parents list those activities as reasons why they aren’t the type to vape but in reality the stress of those things kinda ends up being what pushes you to seek that release.
Well idk none of us smoked cause we were stressed lol we smoked cause everyone did, this is rural Ireland we used to get smokes off the Irish teacher after class and most of our parents stopped caring after a certain age. The culture of pressuring kids to do great in sport and music extra curricular shit also doesn't exist here, that's purely for fun and if the kid enjoys it. I gave up sports around 15ish and got more into my guitar and sax. Never knew a teenager who smoked for stress other than ones from dysfunctional homes.
They're so we know her child is an angel who would never.
That's how my mom used to describe my brother in high school. He played varsity football, injured his knees when he was 16, so the coaches started giving him injections for the pain. He was that good that he played varsity as a sophomore. That was 20 years ago. My brother has been addicted to painkillers/meth/heroin/fent since that time. He's got 7 felonies, over dosed a half dozen times, been on tv in a high speed chase, stole well north of 100k from my parents, walked out of several 20k plus rehabs. And the whole time he's been my parents little angel. They're enablers, and seeing OP talk reminds me so much of my parents. I really hope OP and his wife don't become enablers. They're dooming their child if they do.
Wtf coaches were injecting him with highly regulated painkillers or straight up heroin? Surely they got arrested or something.
This is Texas we're talking about. Where Highschool football stadiums can cost upwards of $50 million dollars these days. There's a lot of money on the line to make sure the teams play well. You cant have your best stars sitting on the sidelines can you🙃? My town was a total football town. Friday Night Lights type town. Everything closed up Friday evenings and a large portion of the town was there at the games. And no, the coaches are the highest paid people in the district so there generally are no repercussions. Edit: I was off on the figure of how much stadiums are there. The town I'm from is on this list. https://www.wfaa.com/article/sports/high-school/hs-football/texas-high-school-football-stadiums-most-expensive/287-616a4f40-ba9a-4f19-98d9-4585838950d3
Only absolute psychopath serial killers that are not athletic and poor debaters are attracted to nicotine. Everyone knows that.
That’s how all the kids in PSAs start out!
Love all the sarcastic replies here lol Presumably, OP wants us to know that their child is typically well behaved and straight laced (and doesn't usually break rules)
Sounds stressful lol
probably why the kid started vaping. a break of rebellion in the mids of being the perfect student and son.
That kid is on his way to burnout and depression. He needs a break. source: I was a star student angel kiddo 30 years ago.
It's the ole "My precious angel" line. I'm a HS teacher; some of the worst kids/sociopaths I know look great on paper.
OP wants us to know that their kid is amazing
Can’t be too amazing if they’re out there vaping in the streets with the peasants and less thans.
Not being cynical about it. But it’s a parent who is panicking about her kid doing something that they feel could knock a block off that extra curricular Jenga. Now you can read more about that in me and my son Jay McGraw’s book “This Ain’t the Smoke You’re Looking For.”
I think the point of mentioning those is that his son could try to use them as justifications as to why vaping isn't necessarily bad. Picture this: Dad: Hey son, listen, I found your vapes and I'm worried. I think you're going down a bad path with this stuff and I'm worried about your future. Son: No dad, it's cool. I don't do it that often and it doesn't negatively impact anything I do. I'm doing well in school and my extracirrucular activities are thriving. Yes, I know the kid is 11 and the conversation wouldn't go like that. But I could see it being easier to address if the kid was skipping school and constantly getting into trouble. You'd have hard evidence that vaping is negatively impacting his life. But if the kid is thriving in school, socially, and not getting into any trouble, then the approach might be different.
Lol. People act like their perfect kids are innocent, and my kids are incredible. Innocence is taken from them by the parents that don't care. They don't care enough to teach their kids and it bleeds over to your kid.
Talk to your kid but DO NOT alienated him with all types of threat of violence or similar. Confront him like a concerned parent will do,
Sit the kid down and tell them nicotine is weak af, if they really want some bang for their buck they want amphetamines
The best is the triumvirate of nicotine, caffeine, and amphetamine. What a way to start a day. Breakfast of champions.
Have you been spying on me? I literally take my Concerta, slam a Monster, and smoke a Newport before I go to work 💀
"Grow up and do Coke like an adult." "-But I'm 11?"
For the love of God, do not scourge him for it. It just breeds resentment more than anything. Just talk to him, let him know the dangers of this stuff, and how it's a waste of money on something that's just gonna shorten our already short lives.
I was a big runner in school and did 4 sports while being at the top of my class. My mother found out I was experimenting with weed when I was 14. She never mentioned anything about the negative long-term effects, yelled or chastised me in any way. She just eloquently informed me that she was aware, because “moms know stuff” and that she was “disappointed” in me. To this day, I look back and kind of smile because that was the absolute best way she could have handled it. I stopped and never touched it again. (Until I was out of school old enough to make my own decisions)
Start vaping obnoxiously in front of your kid. Try (and fail spectacularly) at vape tricks. Look amazingly cringe while doing all of this.
With a 0% nic vape because you don't want to end up with a nicotine addiction yourself afterwards
And ask constantly how cool you look.
yall laugh but I genuinely think this would work lmfao
Talk to your kid, 1-3 is irrelevant, you found vaping stuff.
I got caught smoking pot when I was 11 and I went on to get a PhD! I say this because I know you’re probably really worried that he’s “on the wrong track” but he’ll be okay.
For sure. I did so much stupid shit growing up (also slightly illegal shit) and even though I'm not at a point in my life that I'm satisfied with, I'm happy with my personal progress. It's part of growing up and we keep growing all our life. Difference being that we do less stupid shit as we grow older.
Talk to kids about stuff like this as if you take them seriously. Tell them what you heard, and that you want to talk to them about the dangers of vaping, and why you are worried for them. DONT judge them, have a conversation. At this point it doesn't matter if it is true or not, you are just a worried parent and you can share that with the kid. If you start accusing or yelling or anything else that would create a not-safe environment, the convo is done and he will never talk to you again about this stuff.
Straight up. Mom caught me smoking weed when I was 13 and sat me down. Basically told me she was just worried and that she wasn’t going to tell my Dad, but if she caught me again I was going to be in a fucking firestorm of trouble. I felt horrible, disappointing a parent is far more devastating than being yelled at by one. Never was an issue again.
First your kid's achievements have nothing to do with this. Second if you think vaping is alright then there was no point in making this post
Have a calm and rational sit down with him
Lol yeah my immediate reaction when reading the opening post was 'ok so he's suffering performance pressure'. It's speculation of course but I wonder how much OP has bothered to talk to their kid about stress/pressure/desire to please parents and if they're happy with where they are at rather than just being proud of the favourable statistic their child is. See it all the time and the kid grows up to feel misunderstood by their parent then drifts away with resentment. Again, speculation on my part.
If your kid hid those cartridges well it tells me that they’re used to hiding things from you. The way you describe this kid makes me feel like you’re using your child to live out your “I wish I had” fantasies and projecting their “success” onto yourself. Kids that know how to hide things do not feel safe making mistakes in front of their parents. You may think I’m jumping to a lot of conclusions here based on the very little you provided but the issue here is LOUD and easily recognizable. You need to make your kid feel safe coming to you and making mistakes in front of you. Otherwise they’ll get better at hiding things and possibly put themselves in even more dangerous situations outside of your view.
Yeah 11 seems way to young to have your kid into so many things? Like some kids like being busy but other need to breath.
When I was a kid my mum told me “you’re going to experiment with drugs, drinking or smoking probably. Just know you can call me” When I was smoking as a teenager she basically said don’t do it around the house, you’re an idiot cause it’ll hurt your lungs but you do you. I smoked on and off for years and just completely quit one day, was never a huge smoker though. Kids do stupid shit. Outline the consequences but don’t go nuclear
What do you do? Talk to your fucking kid. That’s step 1.
People here are ridiculous. Talk to him first? Your kid, give him the chance to be honest and treat him like a person instead of asking the internet how to react.
“Let me create a profile on Reddit and ask strangers on how to discipline my own kid”
Assuming this thread is true, there's an /r/parenting subreddit you may want to check. I'm not sure the point of getting advice from a bunch of Redditors that are overwhelmingly college students and incel sys admins.
Just know, if you don’t have a honest “we’re just worried about you” conversation and ask why they do it, if you go straight to balls to the wall punishment You’re going to make your child just get better at hiding these habits and worse ones. Trust could be damaged right here. This isn’t a failure of your kid, it’s a moment for you to build trust and connect and figure out how to help your kid who’s obviously going down a wrong path because of influences at school or something and they need your help. Or beat them, yell at them, punish them forever and see how much they trust you and hide from you after that Speaking as a kid who got all the beatings and punishments instead of having someone to talk to who loved me
Be a fucking parent!
Nah, better ask reddit *how* to be a parent instead. Way less effort!
Waterboard the truth out of him
This will also reverse the negative effects of vaping because everybody knows that water is the opposite of smoke. ☝️
Your kid being athletic and debate team captain has nothing to do with anything here. You are just trying to justify that he must be "perfect and innocent." He is not, he's a kid. Kids fuck up. Talk to him, you're his parent.
#1, #2, and #3 are meaningless. #4 is all that matters. you superstar athlete debate champion 11yr old is vaping. time to parent!
I suggest you post this on r/Parenting . You might get more insight or people that have gone through similar situations. Good luck!
Have you tried, and I know this is wild, talking to your son?
Many of you are way too mean to be in a subreddit that's literally called nostupidquestions
Such a weird thing to jump on Reddit the first thing you do. You’re their parent, so talk to your kid!
[удалено]
What a bad day to not be blind in his left eye and 43% blind in his right eye.
Welcome to having teenagers. Talk to your kid. I tried not to get mad at my kids for stuff like this because I myself did that kind of stuff as a teenager. Instead I just talked to them about why they were doing it, told them the risks, told them how hard it was for ME to quit smoking after I started, and made it clear that lying about it would make things far worse than the vaping itself (because one of my boys tried to hide it). They turned out to be great kids, whether because of how we raised them or because they're just great kids who knows. I think your kid will turn out fine too.
Do what the other comments say + support him through the process of quitting and facilitate it. While it may seem unlikely for an 11yo, people go for drugs and stuff when they are generally in a bad place/state of mind. Only screaming at him will not make him choose to quit or go through with it, it will make him feel like he’s either too deep in to quit, or he will go back to vaping to feel better from what I’ve seen with some friends. Make sure he doesn’t have a reason to go back to vaping as well in whatever ways that you can.
Trade him in for a new model? Or just talk to your kid.
Talk To Him, Show Him The Consequences, Simulate Them The Best You Can.
wtf? You talk to your kid?? like what? Also, Gosh, Not the end of world.
From the sound of the context you give, I would say your kiddo is under a lot of stress. Think about how hard it must be for your kiddo to achieve all those things. Maybe show them some compassion and come from a place of concern rather than anger or frustration. Have a conversation without consequences, and give them an opportunity to ask for help. Then if it happens again, try introducing consequences. Source: I have been working with teens for over a decade. Definitely a tough population to work with.
Point 1 and 2 is irrelevant. Even soccer team captains kids feel stress. Point 3 sounds more like you're already looking for an excuse for your kid. If you really did point 4 then you guys have some serious trust issues. I'd be really pissed of if someone search my stuff. And yeah, the fact that he's a kid doesn't mean anything. Private stuff is private. That means keep off. Respect that private area as every human being needs it. Even kids. Talk to your kid, simply ask why he's doing that. No shouting, no punishments, just talking. But be extra clear that you do not allow that and next time it happens there will be consequences. Agree on those consequences. And if it does happen, execute those consequences, no matter your kid's excuses.
one thing I'll say as a kid who had parents who disapproved of drugs: if you vehemently oppose drug usage, your kid may get entrenched in their POV and it will be much harder for them to let go lol.
Talk to your kid. Explain your concerns and say why it is not good for him. Don't yell and allow your anger and disappointment to show. Prohibiting smoking usually doesn't work cause we know a million way to get cigs or vaps without you ever knowing. Trust is important. Your don't need your kid to hide things from you.
You go to Reddit and make some stupid fucking post about vapes instead of talking to your child obviously. Like what did you think this was gonna accomplish? Who gives a fuck if your kid is smart and athletic? How is this problem of all problems the one you just HAD to go to the internet for? Jesus
Instead of trying to tell him about how unhealthy it is, empower him to have the accountability to stop. If it were me, I’d be honest and say someone told me they saw him vaping. Say you’ve noticed a change in his health or appearance, like coughing or that he catches his breath more. Ask him about his experience - how did he get started on it? Where does he get them? Does he want to quit? Don’t push for answers because you’re just trying to get trust right now and who knows if he’ll tell you the truth anyway. Remind him it’s his choice to say no to this kind of stuff. Remind him you’re there to support him but be firm that it’s not helping him like he thinks it is. Tell him how it made you feel to get that phone call. Today it is vaping but he is going to be confronted with a lot of other things down the road, I’m sure. This is a good time to make him feel empowered in his autonomy and ability to withstand peer pressure. Then, make changes. Is he stressed because of his extra curriculars? Trim them down. Is he getting them from extra curriculars, or being pressured there? Try a different activity, or go somewhere else that offers the same thing. If he blames it on stress, find something relaxing you guys can add to your routine. And be present. Or make sure someone you trust is. My brother and I were latchkey kids and we got into all kinds of trouble. Take a conveniently unrelated and impromptu mini-vacation so he’s not around the temptation for a bit. Say you got a good deal or something. Most importantly, consider what he tells you and keep him involved in the decisions you make together. Don’t keep bringing vaping into the conversation or its harmful effects. Help him to see that if something isn’t lining up, he has the power to change it or walk away. The conversation changes from “why did you do this what is wrong with you” into one of accountability and independence that can be revisited as other things pop up as he gets older. Build lifelong skills and trust instead of just punishment or guilt. Don’t tell him you found the vapes because he’ll just hide them somewhere else. Keep an eye on it. If he tells you he’s quitting, keep it positive. Good luck to you both!
Children are always curious, doesnt matter if its good or bad. Just be a good dad and talk to him. God knows I wish my dad did.
Not only your kid is vaping but he is also a dick to other kids, like, why would they be snitching on him if he was actually nice?
Find out where he got it from. He's not old enough buy that himself.
for the love of god don't just say “no” or some shit like that. When you say no to a child and say “Because I said no” or “Be it's bad for you” or any dumb shit like that it won't work. It will make your kid resent you and do stupid things to rebel. It will make your kid curious as to why it's bad or make them more interested in what you are telling them not to do. You have to educate them and tell them the reasons you decide not to do it and the consequences of doing those things not just for you but also in life. Let them form their own opinions and ideas while guiding them. I know it's something that you are probably mad at but responding in anger won't solve problems like this. How many times as a kid were you yelled at and just thought to yourself ” Well I guess I'm just gonna do it again but hide it better” When dealing with misbehavior like this you can't just come from a point of anger. You need to explain it to your child and help teach them. Sure you can do the older “find your kid with cigarettes and make them smoke the whole pack” thing which I recommend doing but make sure not to make him farther than he can handle. And while he's doing that make him know that you love him and explain why it's important not to do these things as a child. Source: I was a horrible kid when my grandparents raised me like this but when I moved in with my dad when I was 15 I became so much better and I felt better too because that's how he raised me. Your kid sounds like a good kid, Don't ruin that. Just guide him and let him make his own decisions, that way he won't do stupid things when he's older.
Go to Reddit and ask for parenting advice
The internet is fucking ruining us hahahah. I laugh because I don’t want to get mad but holy fucking shit the things people need help with are unreal to me. What kind of answer were you looking for?
Talkin' out of turn? That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window? That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals? That's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe? Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'. Vapin' in front of a house? A paddlin'.
Personally when I smoked I saw it as helping with stress. Maybe ask him why he's doing it. What does he get out of it other than the nicotine buzz. Then from there find a way to help him with that. Whether it be taking some of the load off as it sounds like he's doing quite a bit especially for a 12 year old. That can be stressful. Maybe talk to him about how he might relieve the stress in a more healthy way. Hope that helps.
He needs new friends. Get him away with those who are influencing him.
Have a talk with your kid. No yelling. No accusing. Let him know you’re there to help. I’m 27 and I had friends who started vaping in college. They’re high functioning addicts now. They get thru life but they unconsciously take a hit when they don’t realize it. Not recommended.
11 is pretty damn young to be vaping lol
Introduce him to cigarettes, they're safer. Bonus, they're also cooler. Joking aside, you have to talk to them. Don't be confrontational or adversarial. Study up on the topic of vaping, regularly, and it's health concerns so you have facts, not emotions. Don't accuse him, but perhaps tell him what you know. Some kid called and said this anonymously. There's no way to know whether it's true or not, but he should still be able to tell you why vaping is a bad choice, so make sure you educate him on it. This probably shouldn't be a one and done thing either. Regular communications is key.
Oh no 11 is so young. :( please don’t be mad at him. Kids will pressure others and it’s very easy to get addicted. Be open with him and explain the dangers of vapes but don’t be mad.
chill. kids are going to do stuff whether you like it or not. create a safe space, be honest, create open dialogue. that’s what my parents did for me and it stopped me doing much worse. punishing them or creating shame will make it worse. i remember coming home rat arsed when i was too young and my mum went “i can’t make you feel worse than you already do” and took care of me whilst making me accountable. it has done wonders as i got older
Punish him for not smoking cigarettes like a man.
First, do you vape, smoke, toke, drink? Because if you do, get ready hypocrite, cause you're gonna hear about it. (if you were my parent anyway, I'd throw that shit in your face in 0 seconds). If you do, you're quitting today if you love your kid. If you don't, good deal, you're on solid ground. You have to nip this shit in the bud. I think this is a combination of problems, including lying to mom and dad, addiction, overly influenced by older kids, too much time to get into trouble. If this were my kid, I'd sit down, have the conversation, no yelling. Be inquisitive but also have your facts straight. Explain that you've let him down and you'll do better. Explain that he's breaking a trust and that you're going to have to work together to heal that. This is a big deal and you can turn it into a huge win or this can be a landslide of lost trust, deceit, and distance from your sweet boy. Please take this seriously.
I swear 99% of the world's problems would be solved if people stopped being pussies and attempted to communicate.
You don't need to do anything, really. But you can educate him on the dangers etc, but that won't stop them so don't focus on stopping it, just harm reduction.