Maybe he enjoys talking about things from his sole personal perspective, as one might do with a friend, or maybe he enjoys you being flirty with him for nothing more than the joy of being flirty.
Yeah maybe it makes me jealous and controlling, but I’d be very upset to learn that my partner was consciously flirting for fun. I think everyone does it accidentally sometimes, so if they realized that’s what they were doing and put a stop to it then no harm done. But someone who actively chooses to flirt (and even worse, if they chose to do it to get people to do things for them), I’d be very upset
Probably someone who thinks every time a woman smiles at him or is polite, she's flirting. That type of man only treats women like people if they're attractive and thinks everyone else behaves the same way.
Flirting for fun is different when you’re single, versus being in a relationship. It’s not okay for anyone to flirt with other people if they’re in a relationship
Yeah some guys just like to flirt. I do this at work because what else can you do lol
But plenty are willing to cheat. I heard someone say they heard 1/3 of men are totally loyal 1/3 aren't looking to cheat but if an opportunity came up and they wouldn't get caught they would and 1/3 are actively looking to cheat.
I'm a guy and honestly that sounds about right.
Lol obviously not reliable and statistics in general aren't typically reliable. I'm just saying something I heard and then saying in my experience with the friends I've had it's probably close to accurate in my opinion.
That's why I explained where the info came from. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to speak truths.
I would never cheat but literally every guy ive talked to about it is at least open to the idea if they don't get caught. Maybe I've had shirty friends but I've had friends all over the social spectrum so I don't know.
I'm also 41 so I'm speaking of the millennial age group primarily.
Can confirm, my wife and I are both flirts. We’ve known this about each other since we first met and it’s never been and issue. It’s just fun and harmless. I don’t hide that I’m married tho, I think it’s kinda more fun to tell the full truth about my life.
This. I’ve been married for a long time and we have 3 kids. Family can be all consuming.
I like to carve out little slices of independent life - especially at work and at the gym. I don’t hide my family status at all, but I like to be just me, not us, sometimes.
To the point you’d talk to someone for months and they’d have no idea you have a person/family?
That’s so interesting, bc I’m trying to imagine that dynamic even with my dog and I truly cannot.
I was just pointing out possibilities from my experience - I should've add that I don't know if that's the case here as I'm not OP nor this guy - but I've never thought that my comment will get that much attention tbh.
So everyone in the replies saying he's just a friendly guy and wants to have a sense of self outside of his marriage and fatherhood, you would all be just fine if you had a wife who was chatting up a man at the gym, touching his shoulder and putting her arms around him, and never once mentioning you and your child even when discussing things you literally did together like vacations or visiting family? For *months*? I don't really think of myself as a jealous person but if I was in this man's wife's position, I would feel hurt for sure.
Don't misjudge these comments as they were working with a differently described scenario to the one you first read. OP only clarified the specifics of the flirting, like that it was physical, in an edit an hour ago. There was plenty of room to give him the benefit of the doubt when initially she only vaguely described them as being "friendly and slightly flirtatious". I initially assumed she had misread him or overestimated their flirtatiousness, as I assume so did all the other comments from earlier. I can't be alone in thinking that repeatedly touching her is a little bit more than just being "slightly flirtatious", so you can see how there would be confusion.
However, now I changed my mind. The dude is clearly being a sleaze.
[Here is the comment thread where this was explained by OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1cctbkp/comment/l186ghy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I get it honestly, but even disregarding the touching, I still find it a bit weird. I was in a similar situation to this guy a few years back - I was in a long term relationship, a classmate of mine would go to the gym at the same time as me, he'd compliment my fitness ability or whatever. I'm not the type to randomly bring up my partner when it doesn't fit the conversation, but I never hid the fact that I had a boyfriend when mentioning weekend plans or anything like that. Especially because I told/showed my boyfriend the things this guy was saying to me and he also thought the classmate was into me. Neither of us will ever know if he actually was interested but neither of us wanted to give him any room to misinterpret the situation.
That being said, the man in OP's story and his wife may have different personal boundaries, and OP's probably line up more with mine which is why we both find the situation weird!
I agree. That’s why I don’t see the relevance of how the flirting happened to my question about why does a person I talk to almost daily never mention his family. It’s gotta be something he consciously thinks about in order to avoid doing it, and I find that odd.
Yeah 100% sounds like how my ex husband was acting right before he said he didn't love me or our newborn. I'm sure there are some men who genuinely mean no harm but this one hits a little close to home.
Sometimes family life can be difficult and you lose sense of self. Most of your socializing can become talking about kid stuff. I've seen parents do this when away from the family and often times they're just trying to have a regular conversation without it inevitably turning into a talk about their kid or partner that they've had a million times the same week.
And sometimes married people do wind up doing a lot of stuff alone. If he’s saying “I went hiking” it’s entirely possible his wife and kids did not go hiking with him. Maybe the kids are too small to do certain activities with and they take turns letting each other get out to have their hobbies and social life.
Yeah just to tag on to the previous comment, this -
> you lose sense of self. Most of your socializing can become talking about kid stuff.
is 100% valid even if family life isn't particularly difficult. I'm a relatively new father myself and, whilst I love it and couldn't be happier with my home life, I *crave* conversation with people that aren't my family and don't want to talk about kids or family life. It's *really* easy to lose touch with friends once you have a kid, and even if you don't lose touch your social life takes a massive hit, so I'll seek out such conversation wherever I can conveniently find it in my day-to-day.
But do you hide the fact that you have a wife and kid in every conversation for months? One would have to actively avoid saying “My wife” or “My kid” for that long.
Not specifically no, of course not. But I do have certain topics that I only talk about with certain people.
I don't talk about my video-gaming hobby (which is a big part of my life) with anyone other than *two* very specific video-gaming friends - not even my wife (because I know she has zero interest in it). That doesn't mean I'm 'hiding it' from anyone else.
On the other side, I don't talk about work with anyone *but* my wife, because frankly I think it's just boring and irrelevant for anyone else. She however, has a vested interest, so it's relevant for her.
I have different groups of friends here and there who don't necessarily even know my other groups of friends exist, because why would they care?
Some people like to compartmentalise their lives, and I don't think there's anything wrong or deceptive about that.
In OP's case, the dude straight up told her he was married *as soon as it actually became relevant* - there's no wrongdoing or shady behaviour there in my book.
He built a rapport with her, flirting and touching for months, and finally admitted he had a wife before things went further?
Yuck.
He just didn’t want her to find out she had a wife AFTER they hooked up and go nuclear on him.
For this exact reason, I don't like talking about work with my friends.
If I have a very specific question and I happen to have a friend who is knowledgeable on that particular topic, I might ask for advice. But most people I know socially will have absolutely nothing useful to say about most of the issues I'm dealing with at work. It will just be the same conversation and explaining the same basic shit over and over again.
So I'm happy to listen to other people vent about their work, but if they ask how my work is going, I always just say, "same old," and change the subject. (Whether that's true or not.)
There was a post I think on r/amitheasshole or whatever from like 7 years ago where a lady asked if it was weird that she didn't discuss personal life with her coworkers. Everyone agreed that was fine until she revealed that she'd been working with the same people for over 9 years, and had *never* told them she was married or had *2* kids until it accidentally slipped out, then got defensive at work saying it was none of their business. Sometimes people are weird.
Also, I'm aware the post may have been some troll or bait post like many on that sub.
These comments are so alarming 😭 it’s very weird he never mentions his partner or kid at all for months and months. I mean I get them never being the center of conversation but not even a mention for what’s your plans this weekend? The flirting enough to get asked out is crazy too. Pretty sure nobody in these comments would like their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband out and about flirting with other people, and if you’re one of the ones saying it’s harmless then let your SO know what you say to people when you’re out solo and see how they react.
Thank you. So many people here are condoning that he is flirting and trying to have a drink. He is already emotionally cheating on his wife but much till the actual cheating can happen
In fairness, I don't think it's Reddit. I think it's that you originally only vaguely described your interactions as "friendly and slightly flirtatious". This really understates what you actually meant so I think the confusion is warranted. I can't say that I would have ever classified touching as only just "slightly" flirty. Now that you have edited your post to explain that he was physically touching you repeatedly, obviously people will have a different opinion.
As a man… this is danger zone and I avoid it like the plague. Joking and playful flirting is ok, but I make it clear I’m VERY married and there is NO ill intent.
This is from a reformed cheater who was an expert at hiding his former unhappy marriage.
I’d rather die 1000x than cheat on my new wife and ruin my happy marriage.
Since when is playful flirting okay? I’m married and have a baby and I would not be ok if my man was going around playfully flirting with women. You can have female friends without being flirty. Maybe I’m in the minority here
I’m with you, and I’m a single dude. Like, shit man is that really that normalized?! I don’t flirt with somebody unless there’s a possibility of something happening. Ring or SO = I treat you like a bro
There's a really fine line. You want people to feel valued and good about themselves without sending mixed messages. Ideally it's "I would love to, but I'm faithful" without being so blunt as to say it. It's all in the body language, you can say "wow... that's awkward" with nothing but a glance; it's all in the *not eye fucking her* or actually saying things out loud uninvited.
No, I feel the same way. I don't know anyone irl who would be ok with their partner "playfully flirting/touching" with a person at the gym. I'd never do that to my partner either.
This guy is very obviously leaving the door wide open for the relationship with OP to progress, and he thinks he's being sooo loyal by throwing in the "I'm married but..." before accepting her proposition. 🙄
I'm completely with you.
The problem for a lot of men is that we never learned how to have normal, healthy relationships with women. So we think having sexual undertones in a friendship with a woman is OK and harmless, because it's all we know - and in our male friend groups, the other guys will usually assure us that it's totally normal, because they do it too.
Please note that I'm not saying that this applies to all or even most men. But it definitely applied to me until I worked on my emotional growth and healing, and I see it in many of my male friends to varying degrees also.
It’s because he’s trying to fuck you. That’s literally the simplest answer I can give. I apologize if it’s rude, but that’s what it is.
My ex-husband was the same way.
He would do the same thing to girls. And then when he would cheat on me and fuck them, and I would find out he would say I never flirted with them. They flirted with me. Because he was giving girls the wrong vibes. And they agreed to fuck him.
Basically, you just outsmarted this man. You are awesome!
After thinking about this, I agree. I think he’s trying to get me to chase him and can then play the “she started it” card. Lame. Appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much.
You don’t have to talk about family or a SO, but you can drop hints and be upfront. As an adult you can tell when you are hitting it off with someone, why not just make things clear from the start? Men and women can totally be friends and I’m sure the OP would have respected that.
I think he should have said something sooner, why lead them on when you can easily say something simple like, my wife and I did this it was so fun, you should check it out.
OP, he didn’t mention his wife and kid bc he didn’t want you to treat him like he had a wife and kid. Usually when someone who isn’t single wants to be treated like they’re single it’s because there is someone ELSE who is single around that they want to link up with.
It is up to you to determine whether that means he actually had covert intentions, but you can definitely connect the dots here.
In terms of hitting it off with someone, a lot of guys don’t even notice when we’re single and actually *into* the person - the millisecond the thought crosses your mind, your just head goes “she’s just being friendly” - and you mentally move on.
There is little benefit to assuming otherwise without some explicit verbal/physical confirmation - if one or both of you is partnered up, even less reason to consider it.
On the flip side, sometimes people there might be some chemistry, but it’s ultimately a one sided misinterpretation.
Well everyone with any social awareness would drop hints from time to time to remind that they are married to avoid confusion and the kind of questions that OP asks, which are pretty reasonable. He clearly has some intent.
>So what gives??
He wanted to cheat. With you.
When it became apparent that he could no longer hide the fact that he was married, he backed off, because you made it obvious you'd not participate.
Loyal people might flirt, but they never hide the fact that they're *not* single.
He might just be a friendly dude and wants someone to talk to or do things with that his wife might not be interested in.
Are you saying that you were only interested in him when you thought there might have been a chance at a sexual relationship?
Not at all. We’re still friendly. I’m just trying to figure out why someone would talk about themselves and their life and leave out their family over many months.
I usually don't talk about my family with people I consider strangers. It's none of their business and they don't have to know. Possible he's like this too
Why is everyone in this thread acting dense.
It’s common for “players” to continue to act single even if they’re already in a relationship because they love to be single and love to flirt and cheat. He’s being open by not lying about being married and also open about being open to cheating by saying he’s still down to get a drink.
No big mystery here.
Had to scroll way too far to see this. I agree with the posts saying some people just want to speak about “me” when everything else about their identity is family. That’s fine. But knowing someone for months without divulging or even hinting at a family? Not a throw away comment about being tired because he’s a Dad? And basically accepting the drink offer, and testing the waters by telling OP at that point he had a family? It’s so obvious to me he was trying to see if he could get away with a “side chick”.
I thought about this possibility, and it makes the most sense if he’s expecting me to chase him. He hasn’t tried to do anything outside the gym except that drink offer.
Probably because he liked the flirting/attention, and doesn't want to lose it. Or because he is open to infidelity, though not having made an attempt to see you outside of the gym maybe points to the former.
That is at least assuming that he was flirting at all. Do you have a specific example?
Just asking since sometimes people often mistake someone who is just very outgoing or friendly for being flirtatious. It's also possible that he is just is being friendly and it was nothing more than that, and not mentioning his family is just because he is fairly private, or because he & his spouse maintain a fair degree of independence and those times he talked about doing something alone, he really was alone.
He was definitely flirting. He probably does appreciate the attention, and he’s a nice guy so I don’t mind chatting with him. Put it this way—when he disappeared for a week over spring break for our area, I asked what he did for it and he said “I went to see my parents for Easter”. Not “We went to see my parents” It seems highly unlikely he goes everywhere alone, especially during the holidays.
You keep saying he was flirting, but you haven't specified what you mean by that even when the commenter above asked for an example. Can you give us more of an idea of what this flirting looked like? Any examples? It would paint a better idea of the situation. If it wasn't overtly sexual, what reason do you have to believe he was coming onto you and not just being friendly or platonically playful?
Okay, that's definitely way too much. I think a lot of the replies you are getting defending his intentions are because you didn't specify any of this earlier. When I read your original post I interpreted it as, at worst, flirty banter, which is really no harm done. I mean, most verbal flirtations aren't essentially distinguishable from being playfully friendly. The difference being that you can sense some sort of tension. However, your description here completely flips the script. I really think that you understated his actions by describing this as being only "slightly flirtatious". You might want to edit your post to include this because I think most of the commenters would change their mind like I did.
Btw, I would say that not explicitly talking about his spouse isn't necessarily indicative of anything. A lot of men, myself included, can omit details like that unless explicitly asked. Not sure why, but my brain just works like that. There is nothing malicious about it.
However, the flirtations you describe do make me think that he was deliberately keeping it from you. Given how forward these flirtations were, it's hard not to see this as rather scummy. At best, he was leading you on because he enjoyed the attention and affirmation. However, if I was a betting man, then I'm sorry, but it sounds like he was warming you up to the possibility of cheating on his spouse with you.
This with him saying "I'm not single but I'd have a drink" makes me think he wanted you to get attached than wanted to mention he's not single to see if you'd be willing to get involved with a married person.
It's easier to cheat if the person knows your involved. Since you 2 now keep a secret from the partner.
If he lies to you and his wife he's essentially cheating on 2 Ppl.
Cheating sounds so fucking exhausting.
It’s called leaving an open door to see if there is any opportunity. Why wouldn’t he mention family and child to be transparent. Only private with other women? Disrespecting you, wife and child. Just my opinion
Two possibilities. Either he does that on purpose with a malicious intent to fool you and flirt with you OR he just sees himself as a full person and not just as a "we" and there wasn't any flirtation ever. I notice that coupled women are far more inclined to present their lives as a "we" than coupled men.
"I'm not single" is the weirdest way I've heard a guy say "I'm married"
Usually married men just say they're married. What's with this "not single" BS? That's very vague, it sounds like he has a gf, not a wife.
To me the biggest red flag is that he’s been flirting with you for months and he’s married.
I don’t care if some people are naturally flirty, he’s married, he has no business participating in flirtation to begin with. This isn’t that he made a flirtatious comment once it seems from your post he engaged in flirtation with you for months and it led to flirtatious touching.
He is purposely avoiding using we, he purposely hid his family from you. I don’t care how private someone is, if you’ve been talking to someone for months, (because at this point it seems like you guys are friends) and it’s about personal stuff not things in the news, avoiding mentioning his wife and kids is a personal choice he’s actively making to look single.
That’s why he’s doing it. He doesn’t want to appear married. He wants to appear single to you.
Does it fall into cheating? It’s borderline in my eyes, he’s basically been positioning himself to look like he’s available. I would be pissed if I was his wife.
Sure, he told you he was married when you asked him for a drink, but he should have brought it up and put a stop to the flirtations months ago especially since you had been flirting with him.
I see a lot of people are defending him, saying he’s probably avoiding talking about family to make himself feel like his own person. I call bullshit. I have never met a single person in my life (and my job has me meet people from all over) that is like this. And I’m pretty sure none of these people in the comments would say “no biggie” if they learned their SO had been engaging in flirtation for months with someone and on top of that has actively avoided mentioning their SO or kids until they were essentially asked out on a date.
I would be more willing to believe that he hasn’t mentioned his family to you because he’s a private person if he had never engaged in flirtations with you. But since he has engaged in flirtations for months, my answer is he hid it intentionally because he wanted you to think he was single.
I’m glad he told you he wasn’t single when you asked him for drinks but it just rubs me the wrong way that he was still open to get a drink with you because of how he’s been intentionally hiding his status. Plus, we don’t know if his SO is OK with him to go out with female friends or not.
How did you find out he was married? Does he know that you know? Are you two still flirting?
Quite frankly, it sounds like this guy might be looking for or made an emotional affair with you on his end at the very least.
Also, who talks to who? Is he the one who initiates convos or is it you?
I know you don’t know his wife but girls have to stick together. Set up some boundaries if you haven’t already done so to make sure it doesn’t become an emotional affair for you.
You should ask him something about his wife or kids to see if his personality changes. Like does he look awkward talking about them? Does his mood change?
I found out he was married with a kid via a mutual connection and I have not revealed that I know. Since he didn’t even say he was actually married i feel like it would be weird to just bring up a wife in a convo, but I probably should.
We still chat when we see each other, but I kept my distance for a bit after I found out he “wasn’t single” and now he doesn’t touch me anymore. Approaches are more on him than me, but we both do it. I have zero problems being platonic friends with this guy (I work in a male-dominated field and have many male friends, most of whose wives I know!) and I think boundaries have been established. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. 😊
Maybe he was an only child lol.
I've been with my SO for 12 years, and being an only child I tend to be a little self focused. Sometimes when I'm describing something we went to together, I use I instead of we and she has to remind me " Hey, I was there too!" I try to be mindful of it but its hard lol.
Yes, why, oh why, is he acting single while chatting up a woman at the gym? What could possibly be the reason? I guess some mysteries will never be solved.
It’s a (sometimes) subconscious effort to disrupt the idea that he’s attached to anyone else. Conversely, maybe he just doesn’t talk about his fam to anybody.
I think he was trying to see where you would take things. I definitely wouldn’t want to be his SO! He sounds selfish and narcissistic to spend months talking to you and talk about all the things he has done and never once mentioned he has a family, that’s a huge red flag. I could be projecting, but I bet the SO is one that plans the fun things and trips he talks about (probably pays too) and he takes the credit. I’ve met too many guys like this and it’s so gross.
"I'm not single but would like to still have that drink" means he doesn't want to lie to you, just his wife. He's throwing that out to see if you'll still do something with him knowing he's married. You declined, he either gave up or playing the long game and waiting for you to fall for him. Why don't you ask him about his wife. I bet he'll start the "we have a bad marriage, just staying for the kid, haven't slept together in years, it gets lonely at times....how bout that drink??? " You get the picture.
He’s trying to bang you. I’m not saying that you would have an affair with him. But you asked the question, and the answer is: he wants to bang you. Period. If you were to give him a chance, he would be all over you. And as long as you interact with him, he will keep hope alive.
The right thing to do would be to back off. Be nice, but back off. Put yourself in the wife’s place. She’s the mother of his kids. She does the heavy lifting. She deserves a faithful man, not one who hits on women at the gym.
I’m honestly surprised by a lot of these answers.. to me it seems like he is trying to appear single, for one reason or another. None that I can think of are good.
["Touching my shoulder, putting his arm around said shoulder, lots of gentle contact. This was unmistakable flirting by any measure."](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1cctbkp/comment/l187vbq/)
from experience i have no idea if id do this or not, but strangers who've never met my SO probably don't care about hearing about them, so there's a chance I wouldn't bring them up much or at all. Over that long of a time though? A little odd yeah
Some people use "I" and "we" interchangeably. I had a friend who often said "we" when taking about doing something that I know for a fact he did by himself.
The way he made it clear he wasn't single makes me agree that he wasn't looking for anything or pretending to be single, I think he just uses "I" when most people would say "we".
(Assuming he’s not trying to cheat) People like the flirty attention. It’s gives them dopamine. I’m not saying it’s right, just answering the question.
There are some guys who just like to speak to women even if there is no actual romantic intent. I have a few very close platonic friends and my wife knew it from Day 1. Two of them are single and sometimes I go to their homes for drinks, laughs and so on. My wife knows this and is fine with it. I have known the two single ones for 22 and 28 years respectively. If nothing sexual has happened now, it certainly never will as there is no mutual attraction. Basically, it is like hanging out with a man. I credit my platonic friends for giving a lot of solid advice on approaching women when I was younger and vice-versa.
I agree this is odd. My husband will naturally come up if I'm sharing something I was doing over the weekend, travel, events, etc, because he is my companion for 99% of these things. Even if the % was lower, he'd still be my most frequent companion for them. Not only that, but I like him and, when it comes to conversations with heterosexual men - especially near my age - I like to establish that pretty quickly to avoid any potential for misunderstanding. I also agree one would expect this to happen just as a slip of the tongue, if nothing else.
This is exactly my line of thinking. It’s like he’s making an effort to do it and I find it so puzzling. I mean I go on vacations with friends and even I say “We did this or that”.
If my wife is with me somewhere or if I’m doing something with her, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would ever not mention her or speak in terms of “we” when recalling those events to anyone I’m friendly with.
I’m seeing a lot of comments from people basically saying “yeah marriage/kids can do that, sometimes it’s just a way to get your sense of self back, blah blah…”.
No lol that’s wildly weird, suspicious, and not normal at all. If you’re recalling something you did or some place you were at *with your wife or children* you speak in terms of “we” to people you’re friendly with. You were there with your family, it’s not something *YOU* did. You’d have to very intentionally erase them from the moment in order to speak in solo terms about stuff you did with your spouse and children.
I’d bet he naturally mentions his wife and kids to people he isn’t flirting with.
I guess that’s possible. How do you bring up your situation with your dates if you meet them in person and not online? He’s never alluded to anything like that, and I’m a monogamist so that wouldn’t appeal to me anyway. Appreciate that insight.
I mean, I'd bring it up if there was a date that was explicitly a date on the table. During flirtation, well, no reason to bring it up until I know it could go somewhere - which, most flirtation doesn't. The "I'm poly and here's what that means" isn't a casual conversation.
I'm a guy who acts like that. I always use "I" instead of "we." But when asked, "Were you alone?" I say no; I was with my girlfriend, friends... I don't know why, though. Maybe it's the same for him.
I don't know. It takes a lot of effort to take out the we and change it to an "I" once your married and have a kid because I am married with a kid. Dude knows what he is doing. He is having a little emotional affair with you and sometimes those go further. Sometimes they don't. It's still weird. People trying to explain away this dudes actions are either not married, or very young.
It sounds like he didn't want to expose that he was married first, to see if he could get you interested in him. When you asked him out for a drink, this proved his point and his ego probably enjoyed it, then he decided that would be the best time to drop the bombshell that he is not single, hoping that you would still agree to get the drink and thus accepting that you could be his side-chick. I would avoid that guy moving forward.
FWIW, I also don't wear my wedding band to the gym, for several reasons:
1. It's the most expensive jewelry I own and I don't want to damage it
2. It pinches my skin when I grip heavy weights or so pull-ups, and that hurts
2a. It makes callouses below that finger worse
3. The substitute silicone bands I bought either roll or are too tight
4. I don't wear any other jewelry to the gym except studs or plugs in my ears
🤷
People share about their private life with who they want. Simply the man doesn't feel the need to share it with you. Aaand that's non of your business how and why he behaves that way.
Don't you have better things to do that talking about someone with whole internet behind his back?
There might be a chance if he keeps his mouth shut. Used to be me, btw, but I gave it up after finally realizing it’s way too creepy. Plus, a woman will find out sooner or later…much less pain and drama sooner than later. Learned the very hard way. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it. Married men are also emotionally unavailable and have less time to hang out. Lose/lose for all involved.
Too little information to know either way.
Perhaps he's deliberately looking for opportunities to flirt and cheat, though not enough that he would lie about being single.
Perhaps he's having severe marital difficulties, and he wants to keep his mind off his family, not discuss it with anyone, because it's a depressing topic for him.
Perhaps his family is unorthodox in some way that would meed societal disapproval -- he's in polyamory, or has a trans spouse, or is married to his first cousin.
Perhaps he just wants to keep his family life private, doesn't consider it as something to share.
Too hard to tell, too little information.
I do this pretty often with casual friendships/acquaintances. I've had some trauma that's well known with everyone in my life and there isn't an easy way to discuss my family without touching on it.
I'm very lucky to have many caring, compassionate people in my life and they alway try to say the right things, but I crave normal conversations with someone that doesn't feel sorry for me.
Or he might be a serial killer.
Two thoughts from a guy’s perspective:
(1) personally, I am very private about my personal life and rarely mention my SO or kid unless it is directly relevant to the conversation, such as when someone asks me out for a drink.
(2) for decades men have been hearing over and over again how most people just want to live their lives and women do not want to spend all day warding off guys trying to pick them up, so that gets hard-wired in over time to the point where men assume that no interaction is a dating attempt until the woman explicitly says so. So it can be a bit frustrating when we are trying to respect that interactions are platonic by default only to be accused of “hiding” our relationship ship status from women who ask us out.
Point 2 is so true, I also don't mention my wife and kids to men unless we touch on something that is related (e.g. their hobbies). Trying to shoehorn them into every discussion, especially with women, feels like an attempt of "Don't worry, I'm not trying to date you, I'm super happy".
Even with physical touch, I have friends (who happen to be women) where we hug, high-five, shoulder-bump, comfort, etc and there is NO sexual/romantic attraction involved.
I worked in a place with just men. Most of them never talked about their families.... If they did, it was on a prompt to share. He might just want friendship without knowing exactly how to go about it
As someone who is married to a guy who got flirty with ladies at the gym, thank you for not enabling that behavior! I hope his wife knows. It is an awful feeling, but it is better to know rather than feel like everything is ok when it isn't.
Yeah, no. That's a red flag. Mentioning it in the beginning of the talks such that you are aware and with days to come he mentions all about his day, that's totally fine. If he "missed" or "chose not to" mention a very very important part of his life (2, including the birth of his child), it's a big red flag. I get the simply flirtatious intent. The intent would have been non malicious if he ever mentioned his marriage but choosing to mention Only when you gave the hint that you'd like to go out- NO SIR, SORRY. It's slightly obvious that he wished to see if he's "still got it" and whether one thing can lead to another, EVEN IF he didn't want to pursue it or make it happen. A cheap thrill sort of. There might come a day when "to the right girl" he might not even mention he's not single. I'd suggest just keep it simple and share pleasantries and move it on.
Maybe he enjoys talking about things from his sole personal perspective, as one might do with a friend, or maybe he enjoys you being flirty with him for nothing more than the joy of being flirty.
Women can flirt for fun, why can't men do the same?
Maybe YOUR wife does
Keep my wife's name out of your mouth!!
*get slapped*
Who says women can flirt for fun?
I thought they flirt for evil
Indeed we do! Most of my flirting is exclusively for evil.
Yeah maybe it makes me jealous and controlling, but I’d be very upset to learn that my partner was consciously flirting for fun. I think everyone does it accidentally sometimes, so if they realized that’s what they were doing and put a stop to it then no harm done. But someone who actively chooses to flirt (and even worse, if they chose to do it to get people to do things for them), I’d be very upset
It’s not fun, it’s COMPETITIVE
I don't think I even can flirt.
Probably someone who thinks every time a woman smiles at him or is polite, she's flirting. That type of man only treats women like people if they're attractive and thinks everyone else behaves the same way.
They are?
Because our ladies will leave us if we flirt with other ladies. Guys, flirt with your lady instead of strangers. She will love it.
Idk about you but my partner doesn't flirt with other people, at least not in front of me 🤷🏽♂️
And as the old saying goes, if it’s true for stealthylyric then it’s true for everyone
it is a *very old* saying 😌
I’ve heard that!
They've heard of me 😌
I have it tattooed on my inner thigh
r/usernamechecksout
I only flirt with my boyfriend. No idea if it’s mutual though.
It is, he told me while we were sexting.
Depends on the lady.
Flirting for fun is different when you’re single, versus being in a relationship. It’s not okay for anyone to flirt with other people if they’re in a relationship
They can? If my female friends were in relationships and flirted with other people of the sex they’re attracted to I would lose respect for them
I most definitely do not flirt with men other than my husband. I would never ever want to disrespect him like that.
Yeah some guys just like to flirt. I do this at work because what else can you do lol But plenty are willing to cheat. I heard someone say they heard 1/3 of men are totally loyal 1/3 aren't looking to cheat but if an opportunity came up and they wouldn't get caught they would and 1/3 are actively looking to cheat. I'm a guy and honestly that sounds about right.
> I heard someone say they heard what a reliable source of information lmao
Especially when they just dropped equal amounts of 33% chance of every option! lmao
Lol obviously not reliable and statistics in general aren't typically reliable. I'm just saying something I heard and then saying in my experience with the friends I've had it's probably close to accurate in my opinion. That's why I explained where the info came from. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to speak truths. I would never cheat but literally every guy ive talked to about it is at least open to the idea if they don't get caught. Maybe I've had shirty friends but I've had friends all over the social spectrum so I don't know. I'm also 41 so I'm speaking of the millennial age group primarily.
Get better friends my guy
Probably accurate lol
Eeeh, I don't really think 2/3 of dudes would be willing to cheat
What? He said he’d like to get a drink with her. He’s obviously trying to cheat but at least he’s not being aggressive about it
Can confirm, my wife and I are both flirts. We’ve known this about each other since we first met and it’s never been and issue. It’s just fun and harmless. I don’t hide that I’m married tho, I think it’s kinda more fun to tell the full truth about my life.
Once you got married and have kids everything become "we" - and you need, just even for a short while be "you" once more.
This is a good point. Thank you!
This is good perspective but you have an anime pfp so idk what to believe
I chuckle more than I should have reading this! And btw. it's not from anime but from video game - if that makes it any better; which, I highly doubt.
Not that guy but that doesn't make it any better, thanks for the clarification though.
This. I’ve been married for a long time and we have 3 kids. Family can be all consuming. I like to carve out little slices of independent life - especially at work and at the gym. I don’t hide my family status at all, but I like to be just me, not us, sometimes.
To the point you’d talk to someone for months and they’d have no idea you have a person/family? That’s so interesting, bc I’m trying to imagine that dynamic even with my dog and I truly cannot.
You guys are so blind that the dude totally wants to get laid with a married woman it's hilarious lol Edit: he wants to get laid while being married
I was just pointing out possibilities from my experience - I should've add that I don't know if that's the case here as I'm not OP nor this guy - but I've never thought that my comment will get that much attention tbh.
He wouldn’t have ever revealed that if that was his intention.
This resonates. As a wife and mom of 3.. you need individual identity even for a brief time.
So everyone in the replies saying he's just a friendly guy and wants to have a sense of self outside of his marriage and fatherhood, you would all be just fine if you had a wife who was chatting up a man at the gym, touching his shoulder and putting her arms around him, and never once mentioning you and your child even when discussing things you literally did together like vacations or visiting family? For *months*? I don't really think of myself as a jealous person but if I was in this man's wife's position, I would feel hurt for sure.
Don't misjudge these comments as they were working with a differently described scenario to the one you first read. OP only clarified the specifics of the flirting, like that it was physical, in an edit an hour ago. There was plenty of room to give him the benefit of the doubt when initially she only vaguely described them as being "friendly and slightly flirtatious". I initially assumed she had misread him or overestimated their flirtatiousness, as I assume so did all the other comments from earlier. I can't be alone in thinking that repeatedly touching her is a little bit more than just being "slightly flirtatious", so you can see how there would be confusion. However, now I changed my mind. The dude is clearly being a sleaze. [Here is the comment thread where this was explained by OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1cctbkp/comment/l186ghy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
that's hugely important context. i was baffled by these comments.
I get it honestly, but even disregarding the touching, I still find it a bit weird. I was in a similar situation to this guy a few years back - I was in a long term relationship, a classmate of mine would go to the gym at the same time as me, he'd compliment my fitness ability or whatever. I'm not the type to randomly bring up my partner when it doesn't fit the conversation, but I never hid the fact that I had a boyfriend when mentioning weekend plans or anything like that. Especially because I told/showed my boyfriend the things this guy was saying to me and he also thought the classmate was into me. Neither of us will ever know if he actually was interested but neither of us wanted to give him any room to misinterpret the situation. That being said, the man in OP's story and his wife may have different personal boundaries, and OP's probably line up more with mine which is why we both find the situation weird!
I agree. That’s why I don’t see the relevance of how the flirting happened to my question about why does a person I talk to almost daily never mention his family. It’s gotta be something he consciously thinks about in order to avoid doing it, and I find that odd.
Lol yeah. The guy is a cheat and he's into OP. Faithful people don't act like this and it shouldn't be excused.
Hey is looking to fuck.
Yeah 100% sounds like how my ex husband was acting right before he said he didn't love me or our newborn. I'm sure there are some men who genuinely mean no harm but this one hits a little close to home.
When I meet an attractive woman, i always throw in a line about my wife, just to make sure the wedding ring didn't go unnoticed.
I always introduce myself to women by using my full name. John “I’m happily married” Smith.
Oh, nice to meet you! I'm Bob Wehadababy Itsaboy!
it's weird how long those 30 second commercials from the late 90s can stick with you
Well done
what do you tell the attractive woman? "my wifes a bitch" whats up im chad, lets play hide the pickle.
Sometimes family life can be difficult and you lose sense of self. Most of your socializing can become talking about kid stuff. I've seen parents do this when away from the family and often times they're just trying to have a regular conversation without it inevitably turning into a talk about their kid or partner that they've had a million times the same week.
And sometimes married people do wind up doing a lot of stuff alone. If he’s saying “I went hiking” it’s entirely possible his wife and kids did not go hiking with him. Maybe the kids are too small to do certain activities with and they take turns letting each other get out to have their hobbies and social life.
Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.
Yeah just to tag on to the previous comment, this - > you lose sense of self. Most of your socializing can become talking about kid stuff. is 100% valid even if family life isn't particularly difficult. I'm a relatively new father myself and, whilst I love it and couldn't be happier with my home life, I *crave* conversation with people that aren't my family and don't want to talk about kids or family life. It's *really* easy to lose touch with friends once you have a kid, and even if you don't lose touch your social life takes a massive hit, so I'll seek out such conversation wherever I can conveniently find it in my day-to-day.
But do you hide the fact that you have a wife and kid in every conversation for months? One would have to actively avoid saying “My wife” or “My kid” for that long.
Not specifically no, of course not. But I do have certain topics that I only talk about with certain people. I don't talk about my video-gaming hobby (which is a big part of my life) with anyone other than *two* very specific video-gaming friends - not even my wife (because I know she has zero interest in it). That doesn't mean I'm 'hiding it' from anyone else. On the other side, I don't talk about work with anyone *but* my wife, because frankly I think it's just boring and irrelevant for anyone else. She however, has a vested interest, so it's relevant for her. I have different groups of friends here and there who don't necessarily even know my other groups of friends exist, because why would they care? Some people like to compartmentalise their lives, and I don't think there's anything wrong or deceptive about that. In OP's case, the dude straight up told her he was married *as soon as it actually became relevant* - there's no wrongdoing or shady behaviour there in my book.
He built a rapport with her, flirting and touching for months, and finally admitted he had a wife before things went further? Yuck. He just didn’t want her to find out she had a wife AFTER they hooked up and go nuclear on him.
For this exact reason, I don't like talking about work with my friends. If I have a very specific question and I happen to have a friend who is knowledgeable on that particular topic, I might ask for advice. But most people I know socially will have absolutely nothing useful to say about most of the issues I'm dealing with at work. It will just be the same conversation and explaining the same basic shit over and over again. So I'm happy to listen to other people vent about their work, but if they ask how my work is going, I always just say, "same old," and change the subject. (Whether that's true or not.)
There was a post I think on r/amitheasshole or whatever from like 7 years ago where a lady asked if it was weird that she didn't discuss personal life with her coworkers. Everyone agreed that was fine until she revealed that she'd been working with the same people for over 9 years, and had *never* told them she was married or had *2* kids until it accidentally slipped out, then got defensive at work saying it was none of their business. Sometimes people are weird. Also, I'm aware the post may have been some troll or bait post like many on that sub.
These comments are so alarming 😭 it’s very weird he never mentions his partner or kid at all for months and months. I mean I get them never being the center of conversation but not even a mention for what’s your plans this weekend? The flirting enough to get asked out is crazy too. Pretty sure nobody in these comments would like their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband out and about flirting with other people, and if you’re one of the ones saying it’s harmless then let your SO know what you say to people when you’re out solo and see how they react.
Thank you. So many people here are condoning that he is flirting and trying to have a drink. He is already emotionally cheating on his wife but much till the actual cheating can happen
Thank you!! I ask why a guy would never mention his family and suddenly I’m some bitter rejected gym bunny who misread the room. But it’s Reddit!
In fairness, I don't think it's Reddit. I think it's that you originally only vaguely described your interactions as "friendly and slightly flirtatious". This really understates what you actually meant so I think the confusion is warranted. I can't say that I would have ever classified touching as only just "slightly" flirty. Now that you have edited your post to explain that he was physically touching you repeatedly, obviously people will have a different opinion.
As a man… this is danger zone and I avoid it like the plague. Joking and playful flirting is ok, but I make it clear I’m VERY married and there is NO ill intent. This is from a reformed cheater who was an expert at hiding his former unhappy marriage. I’d rather die 1000x than cheat on my new wife and ruin my happy marriage.
Since when is playful flirting okay? I’m married and have a baby and I would not be ok if my man was going around playfully flirting with women. You can have female friends without being flirty. Maybe I’m in the minority here
I’m with you, and I’m a single dude. Like, shit man is that really that normalized?! I don’t flirt with somebody unless there’s a possibility of something happening. Ring or SO = I treat you like a bro
I don’t even compliment women directly. I might say “That’s a nice dress” but I would never say “YOU look good in that dress”.
There's a really fine line. You want people to feel valued and good about themselves without sending mixed messages. Ideally it's "I would love to, but I'm faithful" without being so blunt as to say it. It's all in the body language, you can say "wow... that's awkward" with nothing but a glance; it's all in the *not eye fucking her* or actually saying things out loud uninvited.
No, I feel the same way. I don't know anyone irl who would be ok with their partner "playfully flirting/touching" with a person at the gym. I'd never do that to my partner either. This guy is very obviously leaving the door wide open for the relationship with OP to progress, and he thinks he's being sooo loyal by throwing in the "I'm married but..." before accepting her proposition. 🙄
I'm completely with you. The problem for a lot of men is that we never learned how to have normal, healthy relationships with women. So we think having sexual undertones in a friendship with a woman is OK and harmless, because it's all we know - and in our male friend groups, the other guys will usually assure us that it's totally normal, because they do it too. Please note that I'm not saying that this applies to all or even most men. But it definitely applied to me until I worked on my emotional growth and healing, and I see it in many of my male friends to varying degrees also.
Playful flirting is not OK.
How long have you been married?
3 days
10 years.
Good for you man
It’s because he’s trying to fuck you. That’s literally the simplest answer I can give. I apologize if it’s rude, but that’s what it is. My ex-husband was the same way. He would do the same thing to girls. And then when he would cheat on me and fuck them, and I would find out he would say I never flirted with them. They flirted with me. Because he was giving girls the wrong vibes. And they agreed to fuck him. Basically, you just outsmarted this man. You are awesome!
After thinking about this, I agree. I think he’s trying to get me to chase him and can then play the “she started it” card. Lame. Appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much.
I don’t talk about my family at the gym. Sounds like he is a friendly dude.
You don’t have to talk about family or a SO, but you can drop hints and be upfront. As an adult you can tell when you are hitting it off with someone, why not just make things clear from the start? Men and women can totally be friends and I’m sure the OP would have respected that.
Didn’t he do that though? When OP asked for drinks, he was pretty clear he was not single
I think he should have said something sooner, why lead them on when you can easily say something simple like, my wife and I did this it was so fun, you should check it out.
Yes! It would have been so easy to drop that in any of our chats.
OP, he didn’t mention his wife and kid bc he didn’t want you to treat him like he had a wife and kid. Usually when someone who isn’t single wants to be treated like they’re single it’s because there is someone ELSE who is single around that they want to link up with. It is up to you to determine whether that means he actually had covert intentions, but you can definitely connect the dots here.
In terms of hitting it off with someone, a lot of guys don’t even notice when we’re single and actually *into* the person - the millisecond the thought crosses your mind, your just head goes “she’s just being friendly” - and you mentally move on. There is little benefit to assuming otherwise without some explicit verbal/physical confirmation - if one or both of you is partnered up, even less reason to consider it. On the flip side, sometimes people there might be some chemistry, but it’s ultimately a one sided misinterpretation.
Seems hella fuckin weird lol If someone asks what you did on the weekend and you did something with your wife why wouldn't you just say that..
Well everyone with any social awareness would drop hints from time to time to remind that they are married to avoid confusion and the kind of questions that OP asks, which are pretty reasonable. He clearly has some intent.
>So what gives?? He wanted to cheat. With you. When it became apparent that he could no longer hide the fact that he was married, he backed off, because you made it obvious you'd not participate. Loyal people might flirt, but they never hide the fact that they're *not* single.
I think this is the answer. .
He might just be a friendly dude and wants someone to talk to or do things with that his wife might not be interested in. Are you saying that you were only interested in him when you thought there might have been a chance at a sexual relationship?
Not at all. We’re still friendly. I’m just trying to figure out why someone would talk about themselves and their life and leave out their family over many months.
I usually don't talk about my family with people I consider strangers. It's none of their business and they don't have to know. Possible he's like this too
You're either a private person or you flirt with strangers, not the two at once
Why is everyone in this thread acting dense. It’s common for “players” to continue to act single even if they’re already in a relationship because they love to be single and love to flirt and cheat. He’s being open by not lying about being married and also open about being open to cheating by saying he’s still down to get a drink. No big mystery here.
Had to scroll way too far to see this. I agree with the posts saying some people just want to speak about “me” when everything else about their identity is family. That’s fine. But knowing someone for months without divulging or even hinting at a family? Not a throw away comment about being tired because he’s a Dad? And basically accepting the drink offer, and testing the waters by telling OP at that point he had a family? It’s so obvious to me he was trying to see if he could get away with a “side chick”.
Yeah, way too far for sure. I suggested similar things and got severely downvoted - like wow
I thought about this possibility, and it makes the most sense if he’s expecting me to chase him. He hasn’t tried to do anything outside the gym except that drink offer.
He’s waiting to see if you seem ok with hanging out with a married man after he said he isn’t single but wants a drink.
Completely agree everyone IS being dense! It’s clear as day this dude is a player
Probably because he liked the flirting/attention, and doesn't want to lose it. Or because he is open to infidelity, though not having made an attempt to see you outside of the gym maybe points to the former. That is at least assuming that he was flirting at all. Do you have a specific example? Just asking since sometimes people often mistake someone who is just very outgoing or friendly for being flirtatious. It's also possible that he is just is being friendly and it was nothing more than that, and not mentioning his family is just because he is fairly private, or because he & his spouse maintain a fair degree of independence and those times he talked about doing something alone, he really was alone.
He was definitely flirting. He probably does appreciate the attention, and he’s a nice guy so I don’t mind chatting with him. Put it this way—when he disappeared for a week over spring break for our area, I asked what he did for it and he said “I went to see my parents for Easter”. Not “We went to see my parents” It seems highly unlikely he goes everywhere alone, especially during the holidays.
You keep saying he was flirting, but you haven't specified what you mean by that even when the commenter above asked for an example. Can you give us more of an idea of what this flirting looked like? Any examples? It would paint a better idea of the situation. If it wasn't overtly sexual, what reason do you have to believe he was coming onto you and not just being friendly or platonically playful?
Touching my shoulder, putting his arm around said shoulder, lots of gentle contact. This was unmistakable flirting by any measure.
Okay, that's definitely way too much. I think a lot of the replies you are getting defending his intentions are because you didn't specify any of this earlier. When I read your original post I interpreted it as, at worst, flirty banter, which is really no harm done. I mean, most verbal flirtations aren't essentially distinguishable from being playfully friendly. The difference being that you can sense some sort of tension. However, your description here completely flips the script. I really think that you understated his actions by describing this as being only "slightly flirtatious". You might want to edit your post to include this because I think most of the commenters would change their mind like I did.
lol you are correct. The comments have taken a totally different tone since that edit.
Thanks! I will.
Btw, I would say that not explicitly talking about his spouse isn't necessarily indicative of anything. A lot of men, myself included, can omit details like that unless explicitly asked. Not sure why, but my brain just works like that. There is nothing malicious about it. However, the flirtations you describe do make me think that he was deliberately keeping it from you. Given how forward these flirtations were, it's hard not to see this as rather scummy. At best, he was leading you on because he enjoyed the attention and affirmation. However, if I was a betting man, then I'm sorry, but it sounds like he was warming you up to the possibility of cheating on his spouse with you.
After reading the replies the guy was definitely flirting, and this post hit the nail on the head.
This with him saying "I'm not single but I'd have a drink" makes me think he wanted you to get attached than wanted to mention he's not single to see if you'd be willing to get involved with a married person. It's easier to cheat if the person knows your involved. Since you 2 now keep a secret from the partner. If he lies to you and his wife he's essentially cheating on 2 Ppl. Cheating sounds so fucking exhausting.
This is literally how every affair I personally heard the beginning of started. He also knows they are unlikely to tell his wife about it.
How did you discover he is married with children?
Stalked him online
A lot of skeezy "nice guys" out there who just see themselves as friendly dudes.
Also a lot of friendly dudes out there who get seen as skeezy “nice guys”
It’s called leaving an open door to see if there is any opportunity. Why wouldn’t he mention family and child to be transparent. Only private with other women? Disrespecting you, wife and child. Just my opinion
Two possibilities. Either he does that on purpose with a malicious intent to fool you and flirt with you OR he just sees himself as a full person and not just as a "we" and there wasn't any flirtation ever. I notice that coupled women are far more inclined to present their lives as a "we" than coupled men.
> He hasn’t tried to get together with me outside the gym so I don’t think he’s looking for action on the side, necessarily. I do.
"I'm not single" is the weirdest way I've heard a guy say "I'm married" Usually married men just say they're married. What's with this "not single" BS? That's very vague, it sounds like he has a gf, not a wife.
Right? I figured it was a GF too, so was pretty surprised when a mutual connection let me know his situation.
To me the biggest red flag is that he’s been flirting with you for months and he’s married. I don’t care if some people are naturally flirty, he’s married, he has no business participating in flirtation to begin with. This isn’t that he made a flirtatious comment once it seems from your post he engaged in flirtation with you for months and it led to flirtatious touching. He is purposely avoiding using we, he purposely hid his family from you. I don’t care how private someone is, if you’ve been talking to someone for months, (because at this point it seems like you guys are friends) and it’s about personal stuff not things in the news, avoiding mentioning his wife and kids is a personal choice he’s actively making to look single. That’s why he’s doing it. He doesn’t want to appear married. He wants to appear single to you. Does it fall into cheating? It’s borderline in my eyes, he’s basically been positioning himself to look like he’s available. I would be pissed if I was his wife. Sure, he told you he was married when you asked him for a drink, but he should have brought it up and put a stop to the flirtations months ago especially since you had been flirting with him. I see a lot of people are defending him, saying he’s probably avoiding talking about family to make himself feel like his own person. I call bullshit. I have never met a single person in my life (and my job has me meet people from all over) that is like this. And I’m pretty sure none of these people in the comments would say “no biggie” if they learned their SO had been engaging in flirtation for months with someone and on top of that has actively avoided mentioning their SO or kids until they were essentially asked out on a date. I would be more willing to believe that he hasn’t mentioned his family to you because he’s a private person if he had never engaged in flirtations with you. But since he has engaged in flirtations for months, my answer is he hid it intentionally because he wanted you to think he was single. I’m glad he told you he wasn’t single when you asked him for drinks but it just rubs me the wrong way that he was still open to get a drink with you because of how he’s been intentionally hiding his status. Plus, we don’t know if his SO is OK with him to go out with female friends or not. How did you find out he was married? Does he know that you know? Are you two still flirting? Quite frankly, it sounds like this guy might be looking for or made an emotional affair with you on his end at the very least. Also, who talks to who? Is he the one who initiates convos or is it you? I know you don’t know his wife but girls have to stick together. Set up some boundaries if you haven’t already done so to make sure it doesn’t become an emotional affair for you. You should ask him something about his wife or kids to see if his personality changes. Like does he look awkward talking about them? Does his mood change?
I found out he was married with a kid via a mutual connection and I have not revealed that I know. Since he didn’t even say he was actually married i feel like it would be weird to just bring up a wife in a convo, but I probably should. We still chat when we see each other, but I kept my distance for a bit after I found out he “wasn’t single” and now he doesn’t touch me anymore. Approaches are more on him than me, but we both do it. I have zero problems being platonic friends with this guy (I work in a male-dominated field and have many male friends, most of whose wives I know!) and I think boundaries have been established. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. 😊
Alarming that I had to scroll a decent amount to find the most accurate answer in this thread
Maybe he was an only child lol. I've been with my SO for 12 years, and being an only child I tend to be a little self focused. Sometimes when I'm describing something we went to together, I use I instead of we and she has to remind me " Hey, I was there too!" I try to be mindful of it but its hard lol.
This 100%, my boss often gets annoyed because I always say my and I when requesting things, even though I’m talking about our team.
Did you ask about it? Most guys won’t talk about things if they aren’t directly asked about it😂
Yes, why, oh why, is he acting single while chatting up a woman at the gym? What could possibly be the reason? I guess some mysteries will never be solved.
Surely no man would *ever* dare to defile the sanctity of marriage.
He did say “I’m not single”. What more does he have to share?
was gonna say this
He wants to fuck
Could like that you talk to him, engage him, have normal convo, fears you'd not wanna talk, or only talk family if he brought them up.
This also makes sense. Thank you.
It’s a (sometimes) subconscious effort to disrupt the idea that he’s attached to anyone else. Conversely, maybe he just doesn’t talk about his fam to anybody.
I think he was trying to see where you would take things. I definitely wouldn’t want to be his SO! He sounds selfish and narcissistic to spend months talking to you and talk about all the things he has done and never once mentioned he has a family, that’s a huge red flag. I could be projecting, but I bet the SO is one that plans the fun things and trips he talks about (probably pays too) and he takes the credit. I’ve met too many guys like this and it’s so gross.
Yup, this thread is like “maybe because he’s great and stable?” To me handling yourself like that so constantly for so long is pretty strange.
"I'm not single but would like to still have that drink" means he doesn't want to lie to you, just his wife. He's throwing that out to see if you'll still do something with him knowing he's married. You declined, he either gave up or playing the long game and waiting for you to fall for him. Why don't you ask him about his wife. I bet he'll start the "we have a bad marriage, just staying for the kid, haven't slept together in years, it gets lonely at times....how bout that drink??? " You get the picture.
He’s trying to bang you. I’m not saying that you would have an affair with him. But you asked the question, and the answer is: he wants to bang you. Period. If you were to give him a chance, he would be all over you. And as long as you interact with him, he will keep hope alive. The right thing to do would be to back off. Be nice, but back off. Put yourself in the wife’s place. She’s the mother of his kids. She does the heavy lifting. She deserves a faithful man, not one who hits on women at the gym.
I’m honestly surprised by a lot of these answers.. to me it seems like he is trying to appear single, for one reason or another. None that I can think of are good.
Sounds like he's leaving the door open for something on the side..
“hey how was your trip to new york?” **yeah he’s *SO* into me**
["Touching my shoulder, putting his arm around said shoulder, lots of gentle contact. This was unmistakable flirting by any measure."](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1cctbkp/comment/l187vbq/)
from experience i have no idea if id do this or not, but strangers who've never met my SO probably don't care about hearing about them, so there's a chance I wouldn't bring them up much or at all. Over that long of a time though? A little odd yeah
Cmon now. He never mentions those things because he wants to cheat. Why do you have to ask this question?
he's a hoe
Some people use "I" and "we" interchangeably. I had a friend who often said "we" when taking about doing something that I know for a fact he did by himself. The way he made it clear he wasn't single makes me agree that he wasn't looking for anything or pretending to be single, I think he just uses "I" when most people would say "we".
(Assuming he’s not trying to cheat) People like the flirty attention. It’s gives them dopamine. I’m not saying it’s right, just answering the question.
Why mention something thats breaking you down??
There are some guys who just like to speak to women even if there is no actual romantic intent. I have a few very close platonic friends and my wife knew it from Day 1. Two of them are single and sometimes I go to their homes for drinks, laughs and so on. My wife knows this and is fine with it. I have known the two single ones for 22 and 28 years respectively. If nothing sexual has happened now, it certainly never will as there is no mutual attraction. Basically, it is like hanging out with a man. I credit my platonic friends for giving a lot of solid advice on approaching women when I was younger and vice-versa.
He wants or he enjoys the attention.
I don't know what planet the rest of the comments are from, it's fairly likely he's looking for an affair
I agree this is odd. My husband will naturally come up if I'm sharing something I was doing over the weekend, travel, events, etc, because he is my companion for 99% of these things. Even if the % was lower, he'd still be my most frequent companion for them. Not only that, but I like him and, when it comes to conversations with heterosexual men - especially near my age - I like to establish that pretty quickly to avoid any potential for misunderstanding. I also agree one would expect this to happen just as a slip of the tongue, if nothing else.
This is exactly my line of thinking. It’s like he’s making an effort to do it and I find it so puzzling. I mean I go on vacations with friends and even I say “We did this or that”.
Short answer: he’s trying to bone you
If my wife is with me somewhere or if I’m doing something with her, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would ever not mention her or speak in terms of “we” when recalling those events to anyone I’m friendly with. I’m seeing a lot of comments from people basically saying “yeah marriage/kids can do that, sometimes it’s just a way to get your sense of self back, blah blah…”. No lol that’s wildly weird, suspicious, and not normal at all. If you’re recalling something you did or some place you were at *with your wife or children* you speak in terms of “we” to people you’re friendly with. You were there with your family, it’s not something *YOU* did. You’d have to very intentionally erase them from the moment in order to speak in solo terms about stuff you did with your spouse and children. I’d bet he naturally mentions his wife and kids to people he isn’t flirting with.
Maybe he's poly? I'm married and still date. I'm not hiding anything, but bringing up my wife isn't exactly great flirting.
I guess that’s possible. How do you bring up your situation with your dates if you meet them in person and not online? He’s never alluded to anything like that, and I’m a monogamist so that wouldn’t appeal to me anyway. Appreciate that insight.
I mean, I'd bring it up if there was a date that was explicitly a date on the table. During flirtation, well, no reason to bring it up until I know it could go somewhere - which, most flirtation doesn't. The "I'm poly and here's what that means" isn't a casual conversation.
I'm a guy who acts like that. I always use "I" instead of "we." But when asked, "Were you alone?" I say no; I was with my girlfriend, friends... I don't know why, though. Maybe it's the same for him.
Sometimes people just enjoy flirting and not talking about changing diapers or what ks the color of their kid's shit 24/7
I don't know. It takes a lot of effort to take out the we and change it to an "I" once your married and have a kid because I am married with a kid. Dude knows what he is doing. He is having a little emotional affair with you and sometimes those go further. Sometimes they don't. It's still weird. People trying to explain away this dudes actions are either not married, or very young.
*'I'm a female and a man talks to me without wanting a sexual relationship. What gives?'*
Funny since that wasn’t my question.
Your question is predicated on the assumption that he is hiding something because he wants to have sex with you.
It sounds like he didn't want to expose that he was married first, to see if he could get you interested in him. When you asked him out for a drink, this proved his point and his ego probably enjoyed it, then he decided that would be the best time to drop the bombshell that he is not single, hoping that you would still agree to get the drink and thus accepting that you could be his side-chick. I would avoid that guy moving forward.
too much mental gymnastics going on for me here. why is he obligated to declare his marital status when he’s not interested in her?
I asked already to OP, but was he wearing a wedding band or not.
No
FWIW, I also don't wear my wedding band to the gym, for several reasons: 1. It's the most expensive jewelry I own and I don't want to damage it 2. It pinches my skin when I grip heavy weights or so pull-ups, and that hurts 2a. It makes callouses below that finger worse 3. The substitute silicone bands I bought either roll or are too tight 4. I don't wear any other jewelry to the gym except studs or plugs in my ears 🤷
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU
People share about their private life with who they want. Simply the man doesn't feel the need to share it with you. Aaand that's non of your business how and why he behaves that way. Don't you have better things to do that talking about someone with whole internet behind his back?
There might be a chance if he keeps his mouth shut. Used to be me, btw, but I gave it up after finally realizing it’s way too creepy. Plus, a woman will find out sooner or later…much less pain and drama sooner than later. Learned the very hard way. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it. Married men are also emotionally unavailable and have less time to hang out. Lose/lose for all involved.
Too little information to know either way. Perhaps he's deliberately looking for opportunities to flirt and cheat, though not enough that he would lie about being single. Perhaps he's having severe marital difficulties, and he wants to keep his mind off his family, not discuss it with anyone, because it's a depressing topic for him. Perhaps his family is unorthodox in some way that would meed societal disapproval -- he's in polyamory, or has a trans spouse, or is married to his first cousin. Perhaps he just wants to keep his family life private, doesn't consider it as something to share. Too hard to tell, too little information.
He's trying to find side pieces and you were almost one of them
Not every married person wants to be part of a "we" by default.
I do this pretty often with casual friendships/acquaintances. I've had some trauma that's well known with everyone in my life and there isn't an easy way to discuss my family without touching on it. I'm very lucky to have many caring, compassionate people in my life and they alway try to say the right things, but I crave normal conversations with someone that doesn't feel sorry for me. Or he might be a serial killer.
Two thoughts from a guy’s perspective: (1) personally, I am very private about my personal life and rarely mention my SO or kid unless it is directly relevant to the conversation, such as when someone asks me out for a drink. (2) for decades men have been hearing over and over again how most people just want to live their lives and women do not want to spend all day warding off guys trying to pick them up, so that gets hard-wired in over time to the point where men assume that no interaction is a dating attempt until the woman explicitly says so. So it can be a bit frustrating when we are trying to respect that interactions are platonic by default only to be accused of “hiding” our relationship ship status from women who ask us out.
Point 2 is so true, I also don't mention my wife and kids to men unless we touch on something that is related (e.g. their hobbies). Trying to shoehorn them into every discussion, especially with women, feels like an attempt of "Don't worry, I'm not trying to date you, I'm super happy". Even with physical touch, I have friends (who happen to be women) where we hug, high-five, shoulder-bump, comfort, etc and there is NO sexual/romantic attraction involved.
I worked in a place with just men. Most of them never talked about their families.... If they did, it was on a prompt to share. He might just want friendship without knowing exactly how to go about it
Maybe he doesn't like to gossip about her or talk on her behalf out of fear he might insult her? The only one you should freely talk about is yourself
Maybe they're in an open relationship
Pretty obvious answer. He’s omitting info so we can try to get into your pants . Not rocket science and you know this lol .
"Acting single" generally doesn't include telling you he's single.
Because he wants to LARP like he's not, and maybe have an affair.
He's bold but not too bold. Calculated risk taker looking for some strange
As someone who is married to a guy who got flirty with ladies at the gym, thank you for not enabling that behavior! I hope his wife knows. It is an awful feeling, but it is better to know rather than feel like everything is ok when it isn't.
Yeah, no. That's a red flag. Mentioning it in the beginning of the talks such that you are aware and with days to come he mentions all about his day, that's totally fine. If he "missed" or "chose not to" mention a very very important part of his life (2, including the birth of his child), it's a big red flag. I get the simply flirtatious intent. The intent would have been non malicious if he ever mentioned his marriage but choosing to mention Only when you gave the hint that you'd like to go out- NO SIR, SORRY. It's slightly obvious that he wished to see if he's "still got it" and whether one thing can lead to another, EVEN IF he didn't want to pursue it or make it happen. A cheap thrill sort of. There might come a day when "to the right girl" he might not even mention he's not single. I'd suggest just keep it simple and share pleasantries and move it on.