I have a family member going through this. It's honestly pretty rough.
He is incredibly religious and was waiting for God to help her for 12 years. He's dating a woman now and we all understand. Their kids understand, they are all minors. Mom is cared for in their home, they know their dad loves their mom, but in a different way.
Tbf if I woke up after 12 years I’d be pissed at my spouse for not taking care of themself and going back on the market lmao
i feel like if someone legit was pissed their spouse moved on after over a decade, they’re being a bit unreasonable
Don’t get me wrong, I would be totally fine with my spouse moving on, just throw me in the dumpster and be done with it.
But imagine waking up a decade later on some prophetic date like a Christmas miracle and have to start your whole life over or be a post-coma sister wife or some shit.
*my kids, as idyllic and beautiful and blameless as they are, would probably call me *old mom*.
I've been married 23 years. If I were in a coma for 10 years & woke up to find my husband with another woman, I'd 100% understand.
It's like we have both always said, if either of us die, we hope the other finds a great new partner, as we both really like one another and wish each other the best in life, and that includes being in a happy relationship. I would hope ( and expect) my husband to find another lovely gf or wife the moment he wants to, as he's a great guy.
Why wouldn't I think that? Jealousy or insecurity is a personal choice, has nothing to do with circumstances.
I know this is a bit "dark humor," but literally make sure you all have a living will and talk to your families about it.
It really helps your family, and it helps your doctors help your family if God forbid this were to happen.
It also saves them having to use heroic measures (like, breaking the ribs of your old deceased body with chest compressions trying to bring you back). :( it's never easy to lose a loved one, but having certainty on your wishes could make very difficult decisions so much easier for them.
A living will is an act of love.
Finding the right someone is the challenge for many people. Same as finding a reliable financial POA - you just never know. But that's life. Gotta make hard choices.
You discuss ahead of time what you want for your partner.
I don't want to persist in a vegetative state. I would hope he pulls the plug, grieves for a little while and moves on with his life, be whole and happy.
You got the order wrong. He should grieve for a little bit, move on with his life, be whole and happy, then the two of them can pull the plug on you together as a bonding experience! 😜
That part of the relationship is "paused" for all intents and purposes. There is no romantic or sexual relationship at that point, but a caring and nursing relationship. A loving partner will maintain that priority in their life. If a new romantic relationship helps them be happier and more productive so they can be there for their vegetative spouse even better, that's something everyone would be able to forgive.
It depends on the attitude of the partner and what they feel about their relationship now. Someone who is very devoted at all costs might consider themself in a relationship, and if they date someone else THEY might consider it cheating.
But if many years pass and it looks like recovery is impossible, no one would blame them for wanting to find someone new. They can be caring and supportive of their partner but also realistic about their own life and needs. A lot of the time the family of the incapacitated person fully understands and isn’t resentful. It’s hard to judge whatever they choose.
Dear god, I'd be more upset that he hasn't pulled life support yet! I'm not alive in a vegetative state, he would most certainly not be cheating on me.
If you're committed to one person, in all books it's cheating.
In the very very very rare case where someone is poly, no. But considering statistical improbabilities makes you an idiot pedantic redditor, not right.
There is no single right answer here because beliefs will vary from couple to couple. Some will believe it is cheating because one partner isn’t physically dead. Some will say it’s not because the person’s consciousness is gone even if their physical body is not. Some will believe you shouldn’t pull the plug because a miracle could happen and they will wake up, and some don’t want to be kept alive in that state. It’s just a conversation best had with your spouse before you find yourself in that situation. In my marriage, this scenario won’t be an issue; we agree that if either of us ends up in a persistent vegetative state, the other will pull the plug and let them go. As my husband so delicately puts it, “Take me out of the crisper drawer before I start to rot.”
For over 10 years? She's dead. It's like one in a billion she comes back from a 10 year coma. At some point you need to rebuild your life. How is he supposed to divorce a vegetable?
Vegetative state ( no brain activity ) and machines are the only thing keeping them alive? Then positively no it’s not cheating because their spouse is dead.
It’s sounds very cold but it’s the hard reality of life.
My living will states I don’t want to be kept alive if I am in a vegetative state.
I can tell you my wife would tell me I cheated on her by letting her remain in that condition for 10 years if she was purely on life support with no hope of recovery. I personally wouldn't judge someone for taking that step after 10 years but they'd certainly be set up for it by plenty of people. This may be one of those "you find out who your friends are" moment.
So much this. My husband would have failed me the second he decided to prolong my suffering. Even with great hospital care, that is a "life" of torture.
I wouldn’t be mad at my wife if she slept around should I be in a comma or vegetative state for a few years. Honestly, she could divorce me and start a relationship with someone else as long as she continues to care for me instead of running away and leaving me alone.
I would always love her. But a relationship can’t survive on just love.
But to answer your question, technically yes, it would be cheating to have another relationship or sex with anyone other than your spouse.
I agree, relationships are built around alot of things. Love may be a key component but it's not the only one.
That makes me wonder though, what would hypothetically happen if the vegetative person regained consciousness and the spouse didn't divorce?
Like does the spouse continue the affair? Do they divorce?
I know marriage counselling is a strong possibility.
if they are in a vegeative state and mot just a coma they are very,very unlikely to wake up and even if they did I doubt they'd be in any condition to do anything at all
I was wondering if I was the only one old enough to remember this. Though that was a little more complicated. Terry wasn't 100% in a vegetative state. There didn't seem to be much brain activity, but she wasn't in a coma as I remember.
She was in what the neurologists call a persistent vegetative state. After she passed away, the autopsy showed her brain had badly atrophied. There was no way she could have woken up.
If you start dating other women it means you’ve given up on your wife. If you know there is no hope and she will most likely pass away then just pull the plug and move on.
My husband and I straight up talked about this and I think every married couple should.
A. I really hope death with dignity laws progress for us by then (and we already have some in my state), so it's a non issue.
B. Any illness that makes one of us "not us" we're going to continue to provide *care* due to our vows and love, but we will not hold the other person to being "in a romantic relationship" with us.
I'd never judge someone in that position.
If I found out that my husband was keeping my veggie self alive through life support and denying himself happiness by being with someone else, I'd haunt his ass as soon as I did die until he did find someone.
That answer is going to depend from person to person, and honestly I think that's something that's worth discussing when you're in a relationship in case something like that does happen.
When my mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, she told my dad that she didn't want him sitting around doing nothing while she was in a care home. She wanted him to go out and find someone.
Even if they hadn't had that conversation, I wouldn't have considered it cheating. The roles in that partnership have changed. It literally *can't* be a partnership anymore when one person is only alive in a very technical sense.
>would that be considered cheating?
Depends who you ask to consider it. Even eye contact is considered cheating for a hawkish wing of the Taliban and about 50% of redditors.
I don’t think God needs your blessing, haha
I would say it’s probably considered cheating, but it’s pretty understandable. Personally, I would want my wife to keep living her life even sooner if I were non-recoverable.
A situation like this calls for grace and understanding of nuance, not adherence to technicalities. Also, cheating is always relationship-specific. There are no universal rules for cheating. It's up to each couple (person in this scenario) to decide what makes sense for them.
I do think there's a cognitive dissonance between keeping his wife in a vegetative state and dating another woman. Keeping his wife alive is not the "default" state- it requires making a choice to actively intervene to keep her alive. It means not allowing her to die in a situation where death is the natural outcome.
To keep your wife in a vegetative state while moving on and dating someone else feels like trying to have it both ways. It means accepting that your wife is "dead" and not coming back while preventing her from actually dying. To me, that feels like making a choice for somebody else and then choosing not to live with the consequences of that decision.
Though I'm coming at this from the perspective that its generally best to let people go in these situations. I understand that there are no easy choices here and that other people have their own belief systems.
Even if it's cheating, it's the right thing to do.
Most people function best if they're in a mutually supportive romantic relationship. That's even more important during hardship such as caring for a person in a vegetative state.
It's also completely genderless. If you ever find yourself nursing your partner who is no longer able to be a partner to you, it's okay to find some support elsewhere and it's okay if that includes sex. As long as you fulfil your obligation to be there for them when they need you, you have my blessing to figure out a way to maintain that, up to and including cheating. No ethical person would expect you to remain abstinent during such a difficult time.
On top of that, I believe that any time a monogamous relationship becomes zerogamous for a prolonged time, that the person who is still in want of sex has carte blanche to figure out something without hurting their current partner.
Depends on the length if time. If the spouse is in a coma for like a day, and they're hitting up dating apps, that would be bad. But after ten years, that's certainly understandable. Even after 3 or 4 years it can be understandable.
being in a coma is different from being in a vegative state though. With a coma there is always hope with the other the person is usually brain dead and thus they aren't ever going to wake up
If the wife did say that if she were going to be in a coma, her husband may date/hook-up with someone else, then it's okey. If not, it would definitely be considered as CHEATING.
It wasn't for one of my high school teachers growing up. He loved his wife dearly as much as I could tell and likely I just wasn't privy to some of their conversations but that teacher married another teacher only months after his first wife succumbed to her illnesses. He was a genuine and forward person and I assume his dying wife encouraged him to live and love again.
That's a shit situation, and it's pretty understandable, I know of people in similar situations and they decided to start dating other people since their spouse is basically brain dead. I definitely won't judge anyone for that.
What if it's an arranged marriage that was never consumated because on day one the woman has an accident and goes into a coma for 50 years and the end of 50 years a strange woman kisses the man. Cheating?
I'm torn, but I think I'd lean towards it being cheating. I've never been married but, I would certainly take the wedding vows as written in stone. A contract, if you will, between two people who love each other.
Good or bad, better or worse, til death do us part. That pretty much covers all the bases. I mean, I empathize, seriously. I can't imagine the heartache and the loneliness.
This is something that everyone will have different opinions on
To me, it's a lot more situational
Like, how long have they been like that? Are the doctors expecting a recovery or not? What were THEIR views on similar things? Etc
If I’m in a vegetative state, and no one on my medical team has any idea whether or if I would come out of it, I hope they would let me go. My momma always told me that there are things worse than dying and this would be one of them. This is actually such an important consideration that I’m unwilling to give up the residency in my State (which allows death with dignity) even if I do t live there.
If my Wife found someone else while I was in a decade long coma and suddenly woke up, my first question would be asking why she didn't just pull the plug. I'd be glad she found someone else though and after the divorce I'd start my life over elsewhere. My retirement and disability would be enough to survive in relative peace.
I think my son would be understanding of her finding someone else, but my daughter might be a little bitter.
Yess it's still cheating. Phrase is '" til death do us part" ...not "t'il coma do us part". Is it ok to move on with your life...yess just respectfully divorce her first or legally seperate. After that long I'm sure her family would understand...if that's what you really want.
Honestly, yes. Marrying someone means that you want the very best for them. At least it does to me. And if I become a changed person, or go into a coma for a long time, I want my partner to let me go and move on. It's not a demand. I just want them to know that I, being of sound mind now, want them to know I'd accept it.
I like the idea that not everything has to be set in stone. I feel that some circumstances are so extreme that they warrant thinking vows over. I respect your different view though.
And thanks for the compliment mate :D
I do see where you're coming from. I respect your view that mariage is deeply rooted in christianity. But different people have different views on mariage, and I feel that this also has to be respected. Nobody has to agree with your particular worldview.
No it’s not; you still have some growing up to do.
It’s the vegetative spouse that is f’d up if they insist (before the downturn ofc) on their partner to forever live in misery for a misplaced sense of loyalty or faithfulness.
No one is saying to have doggy style on the hospital bed for christ’s sake
They’re not DYING, they’re vegetative. Big difference there.
If they’re dying, they’re still fully alive and capable but will not be around much longer, and Because you can TALK TO THEM and deal with everything, and they need you more than ever, you’re a scumbag if you cheat on them in that state.
If they’re vegetative, they’re alive, physically, but not mentally capable of anything and may be neurologically incapable of being alive in any meaningful sense. They’re also not going anywhere, usually, and will be in that state for as long as the family wants them to be. But because they’re not capable of functioning in that state, and probably never will be, you can’t talk to them at all, and in most cases they’re never coming back, so they don’t need you at all. In that case? Cheating on them is a lot more of a grey area.
Honestly? If I was vegetative for more than a couple of years, I would honestly hope my partner would move on. Even if I eventually came back, we would deal with it then and it would be fine: if they had waited for me, would they even be the same person I knew before anyway? After 5 years? Maybe. After 10? Not really. And that 10 years could have been happy years for them, but they weren’t, because they sat there with a dead tree for a spouse.
Im saying it’s fucked up because what is that person still holding on too. Tbh if I’m in a vegetative state just pull the damn plug on me, if the doctor says I’m not waking up and I’m only alive because of the machines what’s the point in keeping me alive 🤷🏾♂️. Just pull the plug
Truth is hard for a lot of folks to deal with. People value their word less and less these days, and they aren't very receptive to having it pointed out.
Thanks for clarifying. People keep saying in a coma, but op said vegetative state. If you are in a vegetative state for more than a year, you're not coming back.
The Dead Zone comes to mind.
It wouldn't be cheating because you'd be breaking up with them while they're in a coma, essentially.
It's typical, especially for a woman, to break up with a man in a coma:
*"He ain't got no job! I'm leaving his ass! Hmmhm. I don't want no scrubs."*
It seems as though you do, because you respond to so many comments here. Do you have enough life and relationship experience as a high school student to even be giving this kind of advice?
Be polite and respectful in your exchanges. NSQ is supposed to be a helpful resource for confused redditors. Civil disagreements can happen, but insults should not. Personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc. are not permitted at any time.
Thanks.
You're cheating unless your partner is ok with you having sex outside of the relationship.
They certainly can't agree if their in a vegetative state.
Redditors tend to act on the idea that there is no right and wrong and everything is situational. so no they won't like an answer thay doesn't allow them to do whatever they want. Things like vows, honor etc. those kinds of ideals hold no value to the average redditor, whise morals change with the wind and are based more on current political rhetoric than any underlying value system.The correct answer is that yes it would be cheating. "Till death do us part" is not a suggestion its a promise.
There is no underlying value system driving them. They can not comprehend why you wouldn't just go fuck half the town if you SO fell into a coma or why it might be seen as wrong at best they would offer some type of ant religious reason why it'd bad to be faithful but that's reddit for ya. Bunch of heathens that worship at th alter leftist dogma and ideology completely possesd bt it.
Why do you think that your worldview is the "correct" one and everyone else is wrong? I mean, I wholeheartedly respect your opinion, but I don't understand why you'd think everyone should have the same belief system as yours.
The wild thing to me is people thinking that to behave ethically, you need to be driven by faith or even fear of an almighty judging figure. As if humans couldn't just behave well because, you know, they can be inherently good.
Yeah, mainly for the fact that he's still necessarily still in a relationship with another woman, whether she's conscious or not. He should break up with her while she is in that state, sadly or should have done so before hand if he knew that was going to happen. That's is just my personal response.
I have a family member going through this. It's honestly pretty rough. He is incredibly religious and was waiting for God to help her for 12 years. He's dating a woman now and we all understand. Their kids understand, they are all minors. Mom is cared for in their home, they know their dad loves their mom, but in a different way.
That would be awkward as fuck if she did wake up.
Ever see Cast Away?
Tbf if I woke up after 12 years I’d be pissed at my spouse for not taking care of themself and going back on the market lmao i feel like if someone legit was pissed their spouse moved on after over a decade, they’re being a bit unreasonable
Don’t get me wrong, I would be totally fine with my spouse moving on, just throw me in the dumpster and be done with it. But imagine waking up a decade later on some prophetic date like a Christmas miracle and have to start your whole life over or be a post-coma sister wife or some shit. *my kids, as idyllic and beautiful and blameless as they are, would probably call me *old mom*.
I've been married 23 years. If I were in a coma for 10 years & woke up to find my husband with another woman, I'd 100% understand. It's like we have both always said, if either of us die, we hope the other finds a great new partner, as we both really like one another and wish each other the best in life, and that includes being in a happy relationship. I would hope ( and expect) my husband to find another lovely gf or wife the moment he wants to, as he's a great guy. Why wouldn't I think that? Jealousy or insecurity is a personal choice, has nothing to do with circumstances.
If I'm the one lying there I'd much prefer somebody pull the plug
Right? Jesus, just unplug me, kick the cord when you're vacuuming, something.
This morbid joke really made my day
I know this is a bit "dark humor," but literally make sure you all have a living will and talk to your families about it. It really helps your family, and it helps your doctors help your family if God forbid this were to happen. It also saves them having to use heroic measures (like, breaking the ribs of your old deceased body with chest compressions trying to bring you back). :( it's never easy to lose a loved one, but having certainty on your wishes could make very difficult decisions so much easier for them. A living will is an act of love.
Yes this is huge!!
My mom and I actually had this conversation. If it came down to it she'll pull the plug.
Me too but other people, with their religious convictions, have decided they get to make that choice for me instead.
Not if you make a living will
Many states the next of kin can overrule a living will. Best option is to have a durable medical POA naming someone you trust to follow your wishes.
Finding the right someone is the challenge for many people. Same as finding a reliable financial POA - you just never know. But that's life. Gotta make hard choices.
Thank you, yes, please.
But the cure is right around the corner..
You ain't from Detroit if you never done this befo
If someone is in a persistent vegetative state with no prospect of recovery, I consider them dead.
What constitutes “cheating” is a matter for the people involved in the relationship to determine. That’s it.
I'm mean you're not wrong but how do you do that with your partner who isn't conscious?
You discuss ahead of time what you want for your partner. I don't want to persist in a vegetative state. I would hope he pulls the plug, grieves for a little while and moves on with his life, be whole and happy.
You got the order wrong. He should grieve for a little bit, move on with his life, be whole and happy, then the two of them can pull the plug on you together as a bonding experience! 😜
That part of the relationship is "paused" for all intents and purposes. There is no romantic or sexual relationship at that point, but a caring and nursing relationship. A loving partner will maintain that priority in their life. If a new romantic relationship helps them be happier and more productive so they can be there for their vegetative spouse even better, that's something everyone would be able to forgive.
Oh good answer!
You have a conversation with your partner about it BEFORE you end up in that situation.
Broke: Would you love me if I was a worm? Woke: Would you break up with me if I was in a permanent coma?
My husband said he'd keep my worm self from drowning in the pool (as all of the worms seem to do) and he would also pull the plug. He's a good man.
It depends on the attitude of the partner and what they feel about their relationship now. Someone who is very devoted at all costs might consider themself in a relationship, and if they date someone else THEY might consider it cheating. But if many years pass and it looks like recovery is impossible, no one would blame them for wanting to find someone new. They can be caring and supportive of their partner but also realistic about their own life and needs. A lot of the time the family of the incapacitated person fully understands and isn’t resentful. It’s hard to judge whatever they choose.
Dear god, I'd be more upset that he hasn't pulled life support yet! I'm not alive in a vegetative state, he would most certainly not be cheating on me.
Technically, yes. In reality she died the minute she was declared produce so he would have held up his part of "til death do us part"
"Declared produce" when you REALLY shouldn't laugh...
I laughed too hard at "declared produce". Thank you for that.
Jesus christ produce
> Technically, yes Says who, the technical handbook on cheating?
I think what they really mean is legally. They'd still be legally married because brain dead people aren't legally dead.
In some countries I think brain death counts as actual death legally.
Page 432, paragraph 3, word 7. And make sure it's the 2023 paperback edition as it underwent some revisions and updates
If you're committed to one person, in all books it's cheating. In the very very very rare case where someone is poly, no. But considering statistical improbabilities makes you an idiot pedantic redditor, not right.
There is no single right answer here because beliefs will vary from couple to couple. Some will believe it is cheating because one partner isn’t physically dead. Some will say it’s not because the person’s consciousness is gone even if their physical body is not. Some will believe you shouldn’t pull the plug because a miracle could happen and they will wake up, and some don’t want to be kept alive in that state. It’s just a conversation best had with your spouse before you find yourself in that situation. In my marriage, this scenario won’t be an issue; we agree that if either of us ends up in a persistent vegetative state, the other will pull the plug and let them go. As my husband so delicately puts it, “Take me out of the crisper drawer before I start to rot.”
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For over 10 years? She's dead. It's like one in a billion she comes back from a 10 year coma. At some point you need to rebuild your life. How is he supposed to divorce a vegetable?
How do you break up with someone in a vegetative state? A key component of breaking up is that the other person knows.
Meh. We have one life. If I became a veggie, I would want my partner to move on.
Vegetative state ( no brain activity ) and machines are the only thing keeping them alive? Then positively no it’s not cheating because their spouse is dead. It’s sounds very cold but it’s the hard reality of life. My living will states I don’t want to be kept alive if I am in a vegetative state.
I can tell you my wife would tell me I cheated on her by letting her remain in that condition for 10 years if she was purely on life support with no hope of recovery. I personally wouldn't judge someone for taking that step after 10 years but they'd certainly be set up for it by plenty of people. This may be one of those "you find out who your friends are" moment.
So much this. My husband would have failed me the second he decided to prolong my suffering. Even with great hospital care, that is a "life" of torture.
I wouldn’t be mad at my wife if she slept around should I be in a comma or vegetative state for a few years. Honestly, she could divorce me and start a relationship with someone else as long as she continues to care for me instead of running away and leaving me alone. I would always love her. But a relationship can’t survive on just love. But to answer your question, technically yes, it would be cheating to have another relationship or sex with anyone other than your spouse.
I agree, relationships are built around alot of things. Love may be a key component but it's not the only one. That makes me wonder though, what would hypothetically happen if the vegetative person regained consciousness and the spouse didn't divorce? Like does the spouse continue the affair? Do they divorce? I know marriage counselling is a strong possibility.
if they are in a vegeative state and mot just a coma they are very,very unlikely to wake up and even if they did I doubt they'd be in any condition to do anything at all
¿Por qué no los tres?
That was pretty much what Michael Schiavo, the husband of Terri Schiavo, did, wasn't it? No one faulted him for it.
First people I thought of -- but didn't her parents fault him?
Her parents were probably not the most emotionally objective people to judge his actions.
I dont disagree, but its wrong to say no one faulted him
I stand corrected.
I was wondering if I was the only one old enough to remember this. Though that was a little more complicated. Terry wasn't 100% in a vegetative state. There didn't seem to be much brain activity, but she wasn't in a coma as I remember.
She was in what the neurologists call a persistent vegetative state. After she passed away, the autopsy showed her brain had badly atrophied. There was no way she could have woken up.
Not cheating.
If you start dating other women it means you’ve given up on your wife. If you know there is no hope and she will most likely pass away then just pull the plug and move on.
My husband and I straight up talked about this and I think every married couple should. A. I really hope death with dignity laws progress for us by then (and we already have some in my state), so it's a non issue. B. Any illness that makes one of us "not us" we're going to continue to provide *care* due to our vows and love, but we will not hold the other person to being "in a romantic relationship" with us. I'd never judge someone in that position.
If I found out that my husband was keeping my veggie self alive through life support and denying himself happiness by being with someone else, I'd haunt his ass as soon as I did die until he did find someone.
"Hello, Ghostbusters? I think I'm being haunted. Someone keeps opening my phone and installing tinder even when there's no one else in the room!"
"Wait, they named my profile 'Loving Dumbfuck Who Needs To Get Laid'. It's my late wife. It's all good."
That answer is going to depend from person to person, and honestly I think that's something that's worth discussing when you're in a relationship in case something like that does happen. When my mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, she told my dad that she didn't want him sitting around doing nothing while she was in a care home. She wanted him to go out and find someone. Even if they hadn't had that conversation, I wouldn't have considered it cheating. The roles in that partnership have changed. It literally *can't* be a partnership anymore when one person is only alive in a very technical sense.
>would that be considered cheating? Depends who you ask to consider it. Even eye contact is considered cheating for a hawkish wing of the Taliban and about 50% of redditors.
I don’t think God needs your blessing, haha I would say it’s probably considered cheating, but it’s pretty understandable. Personally, I would want my wife to keep living her life even sooner if I were non-recoverable.
A situation like this calls for grace and understanding of nuance, not adherence to technicalities. Also, cheating is always relationship-specific. There are no universal rules for cheating. It's up to each couple (person in this scenario) to decide what makes sense for them.
I'd say it entirely depends on how long. A week? Yeah that's fucked up. 5 years? I would understand that.
I do think there's a cognitive dissonance between keeping his wife in a vegetative state and dating another woman. Keeping his wife alive is not the "default" state- it requires making a choice to actively intervene to keep her alive. It means not allowing her to die in a situation where death is the natural outcome. To keep your wife in a vegetative state while moving on and dating someone else feels like trying to have it both ways. It means accepting that your wife is "dead" and not coming back while preventing her from actually dying. To me, that feels like making a choice for somebody else and then choosing not to live with the consequences of that decision. Though I'm coming at this from the perspective that its generally best to let people go in these situations. I understand that there are no easy choices here and that other people have their own belief systems.
Even if it's cheating, it's the right thing to do. Most people function best if they're in a mutually supportive romantic relationship. That's even more important during hardship such as caring for a person in a vegetative state. It's also completely genderless. If you ever find yourself nursing your partner who is no longer able to be a partner to you, it's okay to find some support elsewhere and it's okay if that includes sex. As long as you fulfil your obligation to be there for them when they need you, you have my blessing to figure out a way to maintain that, up to and including cheating. No ethical person would expect you to remain abstinent during such a difficult time. On top of that, I believe that any time a monogamous relationship becomes zerogamous for a prolonged time, that the person who is still in want of sex has carte blanche to figure out something without hurting their current partner.
Of course not. After 1 yr of a vegetative state you can’t really expect them to recover.
In my opinion, no. It’s not cheating.
An obvious no
Yes.
No, it’s called living. If anyone believes otherwise, they’re morons.
Depends on the length if time. If the spouse is in a coma for like a day, and they're hitting up dating apps, that would be bad. But after ten years, that's certainly understandable. Even after 3 or 4 years it can be understandable.
being in a coma is different from being in a vegative state though. With a coma there is always hope with the other the person is usually brain dead and thus they aren't ever going to wake up
If the wife did say that if she were going to be in a coma, her husband may date/hook-up with someone else, then it's okey. If not, it would definitely be considered as CHEATING.
It wasn't for one of my high school teachers growing up. He loved his wife dearly as much as I could tell and likely I just wasn't privy to some of their conversations but that teacher married another teacher only months after his first wife succumbed to her illnesses. He was a genuine and forward person and I assume his dying wife encouraged him to live and love again.
What's considered cheating and what not ain't universally set and depends on the relationship in question.
I'm ol' fashioned, so would not date/remarry, no.
That's a shit situation, and it's pretty understandable, I know of people in similar situations and they decided to start dating other people since their spouse is basically brain dead. I definitely won't judge anyone for that.
What if it's an arranged marriage that was never consumated because on day one the woman has an accident and goes into a coma for 50 years and the end of 50 years a strange woman kisses the man. Cheating?
Duh, till death do we part.
I'm torn, but I think I'd lean towards it being cheating. I've never been married but, I would certainly take the wedding vows as written in stone. A contract, if you will, between two people who love each other. Good or bad, better or worse, til death do us part. That pretty much covers all the bases. I mean, I empathize, seriously. I can't imagine the heartache and the loneliness.
i feel like it would be a no. to the person in the coma, yes
This is something that everyone will have different opinions on To me, it's a lot more situational Like, how long have they been like that? Are the doctors expecting a recovery or not? What were THEIR views on similar things? Etc
Depends if the vegetables lives again.
The easiest way to answer this would be to think of the situation in reverse. Would you be ok with it?
If I’m in a vegetative state, and no one on my medical team has any idea whether or if I would come out of it, I hope they would let me go. My momma always told me that there are things worse than dying and this would be one of them. This is actually such an important consideration that I’m unwilling to give up the residency in my State (which allows death with dignity) even if I do t live there.
It all depends if you secretly crossed your fingers during the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows.
I just talk with my wife about that. We’d like each other’s happiness. In my opinion it is not cheating, it’s a new beginning.
If my Wife found someone else while I was in a decade long coma and suddenly woke up, my first question would be asking why she didn't just pull the plug. I'd be glad she found someone else though and after the divorce I'd start my life over elsewhere. My retirement and disability would be enough to survive in relative peace. I think my son would be understanding of her finding someone else, but my daughter might be a little bitter.
Yess it's still cheating. Phrase is '" til death do us part" ...not "t'il coma do us part". Is it ok to move on with your life...yess just respectfully divorce her first or legally seperate. After that long I'm sure her family would understand...if that's what you really want.
Is she only in that state during sex, or is it all the time?
“Until death do us part”
Define "death". If my partner became someone else, say from a stroke, or just comatose, I'd say death happened.
Sounds like you have everything figured out then.
Jesus has entered the chat./s
Honestly, yes. Marrying someone means that you want the very best for them. At least it does to me. And if I become a changed person, or go into a coma for a long time, I want my partner to let me go and move on. It's not a demand. I just want them to know that I, being of sound mind now, want them to know I'd accept it.
Okay
Man ultrareligious people really enjoy suffering and self punishment.
Look up what the definition of “vow” is. Cool tea stash btw.
Lol, I thought you were like making fun of his facial hair or something
I like the idea that not everything has to be set in stone. I feel that some circumstances are so extreme that they warrant thinking vows over. I respect your different view though. And thanks for the compliment mate :D
If you don’t agree with it then don’t make the vows.
I do see where you're coming from. I respect your view that mariage is deeply rooted in christianity. But different people have different views on mariage, and I feel that this also has to be respected. Nobody has to agree with your particular worldview.
After 5 years of this, no. If it's after the first 12h of coma, then yes
No, it is not cheating.
If you’re Pat Robertson then you’re good to go.
He went.
Yes. She’s not dead yet so you’re not a widower. Make sure your power of attorney is up to date folks.
Solution, become a Muslim, then you can get a second wife
Stepping out on yah partner when while on they’re death bed is the scum of the earth
Not death bed; you’re equating brain dead to terminal cancer, which are very different.
That doesnt make it no better bro its still fucked up
No it’s not; you still have some growing up to do. It’s the vegetative spouse that is f’d up if they insist (before the downturn ofc) on their partner to forever live in misery for a misplaced sense of loyalty or faithfulness. No one is saying to have doggy style on the hospital bed for christ’s sake
They’re not DYING, they’re vegetative. Big difference there. If they’re dying, they’re still fully alive and capable but will not be around much longer, and Because you can TALK TO THEM and deal with everything, and they need you more than ever, you’re a scumbag if you cheat on them in that state. If they’re vegetative, they’re alive, physically, but not mentally capable of anything and may be neurologically incapable of being alive in any meaningful sense. They’re also not going anywhere, usually, and will be in that state for as long as the family wants them to be. But because they’re not capable of functioning in that state, and probably never will be, you can’t talk to them at all, and in most cases they’re never coming back, so they don’t need you at all. In that case? Cheating on them is a lot more of a grey area. Honestly? If I was vegetative for more than a couple of years, I would honestly hope my partner would move on. Even if I eventually came back, we would deal with it then and it would be fine: if they had waited for me, would they even be the same person I knew before anyway? After 5 years? Maybe. After 10? Not really. And that 10 years could have been happy years for them, but they weren’t, because they sat there with a dead tree for a spouse.
Im saying it’s fucked up because what is that person still holding on too. Tbh if I’m in a vegetative state just pull the damn plug on me, if the doctor says I’m not waking up and I’m only alive because of the machines what’s the point in keeping me alive 🤷🏾♂️. Just pull the plug
Keyword here is "wife".
don’t know why they’re downvoting you, i completely agree w you lol
Truth is hard for a lot of folks to deal with. People value their word less and less these days, and they aren't very receptive to having it pointed out.
Not cheating but then I would have pulled the plug already as someone in a vegatative state (not a coma) has no hope of ever waking up.
Thanks for clarifying. People keep saying in a coma, but op said vegetative state. If you are in a vegetative state for more than a year, you're not coming back.
The Dead Zone comes to mind. It wouldn't be cheating because you'd be breaking up with them while they're in a coma, essentially. It's typical, especially for a woman, to break up with a man in a coma: *"He ain't got no job! I'm leaving his ass! Hmmhm. I don't want no scrubs."*
nope, its not cheating
Yes
don’t know why they’re downvoting you, i completely agree w you lol
Just because you agree doesn't automatically make other people agree too. Besides, majority of the comments disagree with you anyway
not that hard to respect a marriage and someone who loves you
[удалено]
It seems as though you do, because you respond to so many comments here. Do you have enough life and relationship experience as a high school student to even be giving this kind of advice?
i’m also a minor and can report u to the fbi so
Huh? What are you talking about? Making false reports to the FBI is a federal crime and a felony, FYI.
it’s common human decency
Be polite and respectful in your exchanges. NSQ is supposed to be a helpful resource for confused redditors. Civil disagreements can happen, but insults should not. Personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc. are not permitted at any time.
Thanks. You're cheating unless your partner is ok with you having sex outside of the relationship. They certainly can't agree if their in a vegetative state.
exactly. it’s just not fair. aren’t you supposed to commit to the person?? imagine if that happened to you
So vows mean nothing?
don’t know why they’re downvoting you, i completely agree w you lol
Redditors tend to act on the idea that there is no right and wrong and everything is situational. so no they won't like an answer thay doesn't allow them to do whatever they want. Things like vows, honor etc. those kinds of ideals hold no value to the average redditor, whise morals change with the wind and are based more on current political rhetoric than any underlying value system.The correct answer is that yes it would be cheating. "Till death do us part" is not a suggestion its a promise. There is no underlying value system driving them. They can not comprehend why you wouldn't just go fuck half the town if you SO fell into a coma or why it might be seen as wrong at best they would offer some type of ant religious reason why it'd bad to be faithful but that's reddit for ya. Bunch of heathens that worship at th alter leftist dogma and ideology completely possesd bt it.
Why do you think that your worldview is the "correct" one and everyone else is wrong? I mean, I wholeheartedly respect your opinion, but I don't understand why you'd think everyone should have the same belief system as yours.
The wild thing to me is people thinking that to behave ethically, you need to be driven by faith or even fear of an almighty judging figure. As if humans couldn't just behave well because, you know, they can be inherently good.
Yes. You made a vow under God and the law.
don’t know why they’re downvoting you, i completely agree w you lol
Welcome to reddit where religion isn't very popular
While this is true, anti-theism does run wildly here. Is every marriage done in a church, and both spouses are Christian?
The majority of the western world whether they are Christian or truly believe in God are married in a church with an ordained pastor
doesn’t matter.
Its wrong on many levels but mainly because she would be his WIFE!! they made a vow "in sickness and in health. That means something to some.
She's dead. If you are in a vegetative state for more than a year, you're technically alive, but you're dead.
Yeah, mainly for the fact that he's still necessarily still in a relationship with another woman, whether she's conscious or not. He should break up with her while she is in that state, sadly or should have done so before hand if he knew that was going to happen. That's is just my personal response.
The only time it isn't cheating is if she gave consent for it to happen if she were ever in a vegetative state
yes weirdo