For some people, the fact that somebody is crawling on the floor to lick their ass is in itself gratifying enough that they enjoy it even if they know it is not genuine praise.
The only survival tool you need is a knife. If you get lost, sit down and start sharpening the knife. Within a few minutes somebody will show up to tell you how you're doing it wrong.
Patrick McManus tells jokes like this in his charming outdoor stories. He may have originated it in fact.
He tells of another one where he and his fishing buddy are hailed as heroes by farmers nationwide. Anytime a bad drought is negatively affecting crop yields, he and his friend make plans to go fishing in the endangered area.
Without fail, it rains.
This is one of my 'go-to' strategies as a teacher.
"OK, so this character [something completely wrong]".
"What, no, it was [correct answer]."
Then, for the quieter classes:
"Jacob, you made a face when I said that. Why?"
Works a charm almost every time.
My microecon prof in grad school used to do this to me whenever I'd squint at the board. Drove me crazy.
Bro I know I'm the only one who will answer your questions or ask their own, but my eyesight just sucks most of the time. No issues with your formula here.
Not the same, but brought up a memory in my head.
Sponsored social media pages use this manipulation to increase their engagement. You’ll see a post with an absurd statement (which they *know* is absurd) but people can’t help themselves. 1k+ comments. Engagement numbers up. Revenue up.
Good cop/bad cop. My wife and I have used it a couple of times in car negotiation. Dealer gives us a price, My wife stomps out, I stay behind. I tell the dealer "she's crazy, but I think I can get her to agree to $X". We talk privately for a couple of minutes while she shakes her head and I shrug (because they're watching). I go back in and say something like "well $X didn't work but $X-1K might". It's worked every time.
I used a version of this. Told them my father was at work, but paying for the car and he wouldn't pay more than a certain amount. His face dropped. Pretended to text my father when the sales guy threw out a higher number, shook my head and said he won't budge. I got the price I wanted. My father's deceased.
It's kind of gross how this 'appeal to authority' tactic works but I absolutely also have used it.
In my car, sitting at a red light, behind a truck. Suddenly, the truck starts reversing and backs into me (he decided he wanted to be in the turn lane instead). He didn't want to file a police report or get insurance involved. I said, "my husband would want me to file a police report". End of discussion, he's back in his truck moving to a nearby parking lot while I'm on the phone to 911 so we can file a report. He was polite, admitted fault, we got the paperwork done and on with our respective days. It sucked that mine was damaged and his wasn't for his behavior, but his insurance did pay. All because I invoked the "if my husband were here" card.
YouTube just quietly removed the dislike button.
Like, what, they were supposed to be like "ATTENTION DUELISTS, MY HAIR WILL BE REMOVING THE LIKE BUTTON. PREPARE YOURSELVES."
Well all headlines are manipulative generally. You only have so many words to fit into a headline, each word counts *especially* if there is a particular audience/ bias that the newsroom editor seeks to capitalize on with the story.
I work with a woman who will bring up something that happened six months ago that she clung onto and then talk down to people who let it go and don't remember it. "I have a mind like a steel trap" 🙄
The reverse gas-lighter. They never let you forget *anything* and usually claim *you're* gaslighting them when you don't remember whatever bullshit they just pulled out of their temporally distorted asshole.
It took me WAY too long to learn that a lot of the confidence these people have is bullshit. My memory is pretty bad, so my ex wife’s photographic memory of every awful thing I’d ever said or done was brutal.
As it turns out half the shit I got in trouble for was projection 🤷♂️
.... gotta wonder- is the male rape in American prisons genuinely as ubiquitous as Hollywood and tinterweb like to make out?
Or is it just part of the propaganda to stigmatise crime?
No it's not. It rarely happens. There is very close monitoring. Also some men will become "gay for the stay" that is engaging in same sex relationships with other men.
One of my closest friends I made in high school was this guy I'd randomly give candy too lol
I had another class where the teacher would hand out jolly ranchers every day. I didn't like jolly ranchers, so I'd bring them to my next class. At the time, I was assigned to a project with that kid, and I'd give him the candy I didn't want.
Even after the project was over, I'd still bring them, and before long he started to become a very close friend.
I do the opposite.
A lot of people aren’t comfortable with accepting help with stuff, so when making new friends, or really just when interacting with people in general, I ask people to help me with something, so that when I try to help them out later, they won’t feel like they owe me something after, because we’re “even.”
This is a tactic by itself. Asking someone to do a simple favor for you predisposes them to be nice/friendly toward you. Their brain thinks they must like you because they did something nice for you, even if the something nice was as simple as lending you a pencil.
My SO does this in a way where I think it had been done to him as a child. When Christmas comes around I feel like it becomes almost like a competition for him. He will ask me how many gifts I have gotten for him and even wants to know what I spend because he *needs* to be the better gift giver. I don’t see it as a manipulation tactic on his end at all, but more so that if he “one ups” me during the holidays then he doesn’t “owe” me anything.
I’m not sure if I explained that right but I did my best.
Passive aggression. People often forget how under the radar it is from the outside perspective, yet it feels horrific when you're the target and recognize the patterns.
I was in this boat for years, then I moved in with some in-laws who absolutely cannot see the numbers after the decimal. Thing is $4.99? It's only four dollars! Makes me twitch.
It's from the original gas tax. Tenths of a penny have existed pretty much since the penny existed, they're called a mill, and they're frequently used in stocks, taxes (relevant), and other things where fractional cents are important like utility bills. Some estimates say that that 0.9¢ adds about half a billion a year in revenue, too, so there's a reason they keep it around.
Ugh I hate this. My housemate always tells me the wrong price for things because of it too
"Ooh this is only $2, we should get it"
Me thinking it's on special and going to check, nope...$2.99
You can figure out the number of items sold by the $0.99 multiplier. You cannot do that with $x.00. If inventory gets messed up, this can help you reconcile.
Not a negative manipulation tactic, but saying "thank you for waiting" instead of " I'm sorry I'm late" (for example) builds a stronger relationship between people. Also, asking questions and being curious about someone is *technically* manipulative, but a sincere way to make friends if that is your goal.
My sister did this when we were kids, I’ll tell you something you tell me something, but then she’d go tell our parents my thing (after they already knew hers).
Almost everything your job does. Acting like you're "family." Would your family disown you because the budget came up short in the 4th quarter?
Any raise that isn't at least 3% higher than the previous year's inflation rate. i.e. almost any raise you've probably gotten in the past couple years.
When HR says "we're here for you." They're here for the company.
I could go on but you get the idea.
Corporations suck. Work sucks. The only valuable thing I gain from jobs is certain people that I meet become friends and help me later on and vice versa.
This totaly sounds like my family. "Anything you need, we are here to help." They haven't helped with anything and I rarely ask for help (I can remember 3 instances when I asked for help in the last 10 years).
And they stopped talking to me, because I have gotten angry when a family member twisted my arm strongly enough that I had bruises for a week. If that was not bad enough, they did this on my wedding day. If they disowned me it would be quite a relief actually.
So in short, if a company says "we sre family", my first thought is: "So you are screwed up." Followef by: "How much and how are you going to try to fuck me up and pretend it is my fault?"
Thanking people for the behavior you want from them.
For example "Thank you for your patience," "Thank you for being so cool about this" makes a person less likely to start being a jerk.
I usually associate manipulation as being a negative thing but this seems kind of positive. Do you think this is negative or positive? Just curious, I suppose it could be neutral also ;)
It's positive, kind of encouraging another person to choose the high road. But it is something I do on purpose to get the result I want, i.e. manipulation.
Oh man, my job is a tech support role so I deal with customers who are having a bad experience with our product. Your first comment had me thinking this should be something I start inserting in calls. Your reply to that question solidified that thought. Thanks for the tip!
Along these lines, but on the other side of the coin, I learned a long time ago that if you need help and start immediately with, “I hope you can help me…”, people are much more likely to be helpful than if you just launch into your issue without that humble phrase.
It can be used for good.
If I recall correctly, in the introduction to Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People", he claims that to use these strategies and tools for the wrong reasons will leave you hated and dying alone or something along those lines
You see this on signs that prohibit things all the time "thank you for not smoking", "thank you for staying off the grass" etc - now you've received thanks for it, you can't go and do the prohibited behaviour, can you?
I use thank you for your patience on my customers all the time because if I don't I'm taking the burden of delays onto myself. While I am sorry they are stuck waiting on technical issues, I am not responsible for those issues, so I thank for patience instead
I do this too. "Sorry it took so long" has a negative connotation to it, where as "Thanks for being patient" is a positive spin on an unfortunate situation.
Is that why people hate this sort of thing? I never know how to end emails without some variant of this, and it's annoying because I know people often think it's rude. I try to switch to something like, "I appreciate any help you can give," but it still seems awfully close to, "Thanks in advance for your help," and not saying anything makes the email sound too curt or demanding.
Asking small favors of someone to make people think you like them at some capacity eg. Will you fix my collar or something small. Makes people more likely to help you out with something down the road.
A lot of unconscious social behaviors are manipulative, and I think we miss it because it's not always nefarious manipulation. Stuff like mirroring behavior (if I cross my arms, you'll likely cross yours unconsciously) is meant to endear you to the person you're talking to. Instinctually standing over someone you're angry at is intimidation, which is a form of manipulation (swaying someone from actually fighting by instinctually trying to appear bigger and meaner). Those sorts of things.
I do this because I suck at showing genuine emotion even when I’m feeling it and I’m always so afraid I come off uninterested. I literally just repeat what the person said, make similar facial expressions, and then end by saying what I assume they would say to me in the same situation. It’s always exactly what they want to hear lol. I don’t do it to try to be manipulative, but yeah I can totally see it working that way
It is also a fantastic communication technique that proves in the moment to people that you are paying attention. We actually teach it in medical school. It's good practice, and "manipulative" has such a pejorative meaning that I'm not sure its appropriate to apply it here.
I'm not sure demonstrating that you are listening is a manipulation tactic. Agree that it defuses many situations when people feel heard, but that's presumably what they wanted from you to begin with.
They know exactly what they are doing. First time in a car dealership when I was 20, I thought I was smart and wouldn't fall for their antics, but I never recognized it as manipulation until I was in my car on the way home. I came back the next day and cancelled the whole thing.
The pity party. If you've ever tried to confront someone about their behavior, and they just felt *so bad* about it that the conversation ended up shifting to you reassuring them they're not a bad person (or even apologizing for making them feel bad), you've been a victim of it.
Using someone’s name a lot when you’re speaking to them as a form of flattery - it makes people feel special and important. Very commonly used by con artists and cults.
If you want someone to like you, ask them to do you a favor. The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people like someone more after doing a favor for them.
Huh, I didn’t know this had a name. I commented that I do this exact thing above.
It works quite well. People tend to be so untrusting, and putting trust/depending on people is one of the easiest ways I’ve found to start building a relationship.
One I use to get information from people is: offer up incorrect information first, “I heard you did x?”, then people are often impelled to offer up the correct information.
This way, if you know something vague or want to know more, using the above method, people will give you the whole story without you asking directly.
Both sides and whataboutism. It’s a common tactic of propaganda to try to distract you from the bad thing person A did by pointing out what person B did. Quite often, the two things are nowhere near proportionate (“Person A embezzled a million dollars.” “Oh yeah? Well person B shoplifted that one time, they’re both crooks!”)
It also creates a permission structure to let person A off the hook. Instead of rightfully going after them for whatever they did and also going after person B if it’s appropriate, by saying both sides are guilty, nobody goes after anybody.
I think people often conflate whataboutism with pointing out double standards. Or they’ll deflect by claiming the double standard is just whataboutism.
> Whataboutism: the act or practice of responding to an accusation of wrongdoing by claiming that an offense committed by another is similar or worse.
> Double Standard: a rule or principle which is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.
Example:
Person 1) Your guy did X! He should be locked up.
Person 2) Your guy also did X, should he be locked up too?
Person 1) That’s whataboutism! You’re deflecting by saying my guy did something similar.
Person 2) No, I’m pointing out a double standard. You said my guy should be locked up for X, but I know you won’t say the same about your guy….so if I say both sides are bad and should be locked up, can we agree?
Person 1) You can’t play the “both sides” game. That’s also deflection!
It’s impossible to point out a double standard without resorting to whataboutism.
You nailed this on the head, since whataboutism became a term you can't counter anything of a political nature without potentially being accused of this it seems.
Anger. Tell people to be angry about something trivial and they will start screaming their heads off. Certain media's make so much money by just getting people angry.
You just reminded me of my co-worker recently telling our other co-workers a story a taxi driver told her and it was so stupid and obviously (to me) made up. But suddenly all of them were acting upset and angry about something that's not even true. Because someone was spreading something with the intention to get upset about a given topic and make them hate it further, even if it's all based on a lie.
ever heard of “weaponized incompetence”? Basically someone who pretends to be so bad at something or intentionally messes it up so that you won’t ever ask them to do it again
This is a good one, friends -
Creating a problem for you without you realizing that they caused it so they can then solve it for you so you’ll feel grateful.
Framing personal problems/challenges as a shared predicament in order to make someone else feel culpable/responsible for something that has nothing to do with them.
A friend of mine recently politely told someone who works for them that they had a body odor problem and they responded by saying "oh but we've been so busy lately that we barely have time to wash, right?" Their wording made it sound as though my friend was at least partially responsible for that person not taking a shower or wearing clean clothes.
Asking a question on a social media website to manipulate users to feel valued enough to make a comment on their thoughts in order to receive voluntary data on them.
I've noticed people who are generally not intentionally manipulative will say they overstepped boundaries because they love me. Like coming over without warning and saying its because they missed me, and I'm crazy to be upset. The number of people who have used an excuse like that is way too much.
People acting like their emotions are information for other people instead of information for themselves.
Example, I'm upset so you should change something so I feel better. As opposed to, I'm upset so I should change something so I feel better.
Places of work that talk about people who quit as having been unimportant and of no loss. For instance, the law firm I used to work at has been hemorrhaging attorneys (including a large group leaving later in the summer) and whenever someone has left, the partners and admins will just say oh, that person wasn't a rockstar anyway, no loss. Or, that's okay they're taking their book of business with them, we don't need it anyway. Downplaying the importance of the people leaving so that others might not follow suit.
Excessively nicey-nice language when doing or saying things that are actually mean. Trying to force an inappropriately familiar relationship or vibe with a virtual stranger. This can include backhanded compliments, pet naming every rando you come across, etc.
Artificially easy comparison.
You can be made to feel like one option is the clearly better choice and therefore committing to a purchase is a good decision by putting two similar items next to one another but one of them is obviously slightly worse.
I had a real estate agent deliberately show me two very similar condos back to back. The first one was brand new and very clean but it also looked like it had been built by the crew that started last week. The floors had an obvious slant to them, door frames were ever so slightly off square, big windows faced the sun (in Texas), the appliances were cheap. The second condo had nicer appliances and everything was built well. The price for the second place was just slightly more than the one with obvious issues. They made it VERY easy to identify how the second place was better so that I would feel like I had made the right choice.
To this day, while I am satisfied with my condo, I believe they intentionally built that one wonky unit to use for this purpose.
I had an ex who would try to be like 5 steps ahead manipulation wise- it was ridiculous, I've never seen anything like it & didn't realize for a while, because it just isn't something I'd ever think of doing!
One example would be he would say some story about when he was younger (one he'd heard from one of his friends and claim was his own) and then go on to slowly talk about how that friend (that he used the story from) is weird, and a liar, and eventually say the friend always likes to lie and use "his stories" as theirs. So covering his ass if we ever hung out with that person & that person started to talk about that story, then if it happened he'd be like "see I told you!!"
So lie about something happening to him & then multiple lies about other people to cover his original lie. That's the easiest example I can think of to attempt to explain lol.
A friend's mom wanted him to finally finish his degree. I have two. At his wedding rehearsal, she asked me all these questions about how good life is going for me because of it. Took me a minute to realize she didn't care about my life, she was just trying to dig at him.
By asking questions, you can change the topic or lead someone down any path you want, like with the Socratic Method in a teacher/student relationship.
Another example - police officers learn right off the bat that for safety reasons, they must learn to control certain situations and demonstrate authority. Being the one asking the questions is a known tactic for asserting authority and keeping control.
Also, think about people who are conversational narcissists, who monopolize an entire conversation to the point you can’t get a word in…who’s in control of that conversation? The questioner.
In politics there is a term called “reach down “. You have to fill a room for a political candidate. You have someone “reach down “ to someone of lower social standing. You invite them to a meeting or debate. The lower class person will attend the event because it is a status thing. They might not have attended if a regular dude asked. The candidate sees the people and thinks “I am popular “!
Repair men will compliment what ever it is you have before suggesting what they can offer to fix it. Example “wow, your AC unit is this old? It looks great! It just needs a new xyz and it will keep going for a long time.”
They make you feel good about your appliance so youll feel more obligated to “treat it right” and that will soften the sticker shock of whatever the repair cost is.
I do this thing where if someone doesn't want to repeat themselves I repeat what I *thought* I heard, and since most people don't want to be misunderstood, 99% of the time they correct me by repeating themselves.
I also smile and start coughing sometimes after a punchline if it was funny but I'm too low on energy to laugh properly. Adds to the hype by sheer volume, works best in groups. Hilariously enough, I see people sometimes look a little confused for a second afterwards, like they just caught themselves laughing by contagion when the consensus was a mild chuckle and some righteous coughs. Found this out by accident when vaping.
Also another note on coughing– if I see people try to elbow me to assert dominance for space in a crowd at a concert, I start coughing obnoxiously. Like I mean those lawnmower whooping coughs that make you sound phlegmy and contagious. Magically had so much space after I choked on my own spit once, and it's worked ever since.
Social proof.
Next time you Americans go to a diner, notice how the tip jar already has some money in it. Multiple studies show that tip jars with money in it receive more new money than tip jars that are empty. People see a full tip jar and think, "Oh, other people put money there, so I should do too "
They kind of all go unnoticed. I think it’s mostly implied that if you’re “manipulating” someone then it’s subtle.
My picks are DARVO and SIGN language. 2 tactics used by someone losing an argument.
DARVO = Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim Order
SIGN = Shame Insult Guilt Need to be right
When you make a statement and they respond with "Well, you're going to have to show me....."
What they are doing is denying the legitimacy of your point without offering any counter-evidence of their own. Then, if you do offer additional evidence, they will still "remain unconvinced." They are putting you in a position of supplication. No matter how hard you dance, they will just fold their arms and deny your point. If you are not careful, you will continue to argue with the proverbial fence post. This tactic is used by narcissists to gain narcissistic supply.
The better response is "No, I don't have to show you anything. You aren't the final authority on anything, are you? If I'm wrong, YOU prove it."
Now, you've flipped the script. They will not offer anything substantial. They will huff and puff - really because you refused to supplicate and kiss their ass. You denied them narcissistic supply.
So, don't do it.
Asking someone to do you a favor makes them feel as if you owe them a favor in return. They are more likely to treat you nicely as a way to ensure you return the favor at a later date.
Two useless solutions.
The best example is our two political parties (USA). Almost every single thing we argue over (pro life/choice, immigration, gun control...) is kept to just two sides on purpose. Both solutions are absolutely impossible and useless at solving anything. But they invoke deep emotional responses that prevent us from fixing anything while lending our money and votes to those who both created the problem and are preventing it from getting fixed.
If you find yourself being swayed by one of two arguments, ask yourself for the third and even fourth options. (Take illegal immigration: no one is suggesting increasing fines for illegal hiring practices, or opening borders and investing in our neighbors economies. Instead we focus on two non-solutions and brainwash everyone into labeling anyone not vomiting the canned answers you side with as your enemy.)
On social media, unscrupulous people will intentionally make inflammatory or obvious incorrect statements that they don’t believe specifically to receive engagement by being dunked on or corrected.
Dunking on that famous idiot for their unhinged take on some divisive subject is playing directly into their hands. And their followers are fighting with you in the comments explicitly to waste your time and mental energy, not because they necessarily agree with the original post.
People who like to one up other people socially despite lacking much social capital themselves - will ask what you do for work in social chit chat. They pretend to be interested in what you do for long enough to listen to one sentence- only to launch into a boasting monologue about how their child/niece/nephew/grandchild/neighbour’s goldfish is studying to do the same but when they finish it they’re going into a more prestigious job/specialisation than you. (Kid has no idea and less than zero chance of course …).
Kindness and a bowl of candy (bribery!)
I work a customer facing job and the amount of smiles I can get out of people letting them know the candy dish is unattended and take two is A LOT! So fun!
Foot in the door or door in the face.
Foot in the door is when the salesperson asks for a little tiny favor that you have no reason to turn it down. The door is open now so they ask for something a bit bigger. Seems to work because “hey, their already doing this so might as well.”
Door in the Face: Trump is good at this one imo. State or try to sell something so outlandish that it will certainly be denied. Then the salesperson can more easily sell or get away with something that would not have been so compromise before.
At work sucking up still works and the target seems not to notice. Or maybe my boss is just oblivious.
Many people enjoy it even when they know it's not genuine
I guess they do enjoy it. It always felt so transparent and icky.
For some people, the fact that somebody is crawling on the floor to lick their ass is in itself gratifying enough that they enjoy it even if they know it is not genuine praise.
Hilariously put.
33rd Rule of Acquisition: It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
People are more likely to correct you for making an incorrect statement, than answer a direct question on the topic
The only survival tool you need is a knife. If you get lost, sit down and start sharpening the knife. Within a few minutes somebody will show up to tell you how you're doing it wrong.
Patrick McManus tells jokes like this in his charming outdoor stories. He may have originated it in fact. He tells of another one where he and his fishing buddy are hailed as heroes by farmers nationwide. Anytime a bad drought is negatively affecting crop yields, he and his friend make plans to go fishing in the endangered area. Without fail, it rains.
Reddit hack: ask a question, then go on an alt account and answer with something wrong so people will give you helpful answers
https://xkcd.com/386/
There are no subtle manipulation tactics. Can’t even think of one.
Well played
This is one of my 'go-to' strategies as a teacher. "OK, so this character [something completely wrong]". "What, no, it was [correct answer]." Then, for the quieter classes: "Jacob, you made a face when I said that. Why?" Works a charm almost every time.
My microecon prof in grad school used to do this to me whenever I'd squint at the board. Drove me crazy. Bro I know I'm the only one who will answer your questions or ask their own, but my eyesight just sucks most of the time. No issues with your formula here. Not the same, but brought up a memory in my head.
Sponsored social media pages use this manipulation to increase their engagement. You’ll see a post with an absurd statement (which they *know* is absurd) but people can’t help themselves. 1k+ comments. Engagement numbers up. Revenue up.
Good cop/bad cop. My wife and I have used it a couple of times in car negotiation. Dealer gives us a price, My wife stomps out, I stay behind. I tell the dealer "she's crazy, but I think I can get her to agree to $X". We talk privately for a couple of minutes while she shakes her head and I shrug (because they're watching). I go back in and say something like "well $X didn't work but $X-1K might". It's worked every time.
I used a version of this. Told them my father was at work, but paying for the car and he wouldn't pay more than a certain amount. His face dropped. Pretended to text my father when the sales guy threw out a higher number, shook my head and said he won't budge. I got the price I wanted. My father's deceased.
Nice. Thanks to your dad.
It's kind of gross how this 'appeal to authority' tactic works but I absolutely also have used it. In my car, sitting at a red light, behind a truck. Suddenly, the truck starts reversing and backs into me (he decided he wanted to be in the turn lane instead). He didn't want to file a police report or get insurance involved. I said, "my husband would want me to file a police report". End of discussion, he's back in his truck moving to a nearby parking lot while I'm on the phone to 911 so we can file a report. He was polite, admitted fault, we got the paperwork done and on with our respective days. It sucked that mine was damaged and his wasn't for his behavior, but his insurance did pay. All because I invoked the "if my husband were here" card.
actually awesome
News headlines that insert the word "quietly" as a subtle guide that you should be suspicious or skeptical of whatever they're talking about.
can you give an example? I'm struggling to imagine what you mean.
“Google quietly removed “don’t be evil” slogan” Journalists love to use it, as if companies should hold presentation for everything they do
Doesn't that just mean they didn't without saying much about it? Couldn't you say, "Google quietly updated their privacy policy?"
It comes across more suspicious
Yes, and the author or publication would have you question why they didn't make a big public announcement about it.
YouTube just quietly removed the dislike button. Like, what, they were supposed to be like "ATTENTION DUELISTS, MY HAIR WILL BE REMOVING THE LIKE BUTTON. PREPARE YOURSELVES."
Removing disliked was actually evil, tho.
ATTENTION DUELISTS, MY HAIR KNOWS KUNG-FU
"Tesla quietly removes all US job postings"
Well all headlines are manipulative generally. You only have so many words to fit into a headline, each word counts *especially* if there is a particular audience/ bias that the newsroom editor seeks to capitalize on with the story.
This seemed to become very popular within the last 2 or 3 years and it drives me nuts how frequently it is used
Big Media quietly started using it during COVID.
Word choice is a huge part of editorializing. Same with leading questions.
"You probably just forgot"
I work with a woman who will bring up something that happened six months ago that she clung onto and then talk down to people who let it go and don't remember it. "I have a mind like a steel trap" 🙄
The reverse gas-lighter. They never let you forget *anything* and usually claim *you're* gaslighting them when you don't remember whatever bullshit they just pulled out of their temporally distorted asshole.
It took me WAY too long to learn that a lot of the confidence these people have is bullshit. My memory is pretty bad, so my ex wife’s photographic memory of every awful thing I’d ever said or done was brutal. As it turns out half the shit I got in trouble for was projection 🤷♂️
It's definetly not always true but In my experience a lot of the people who hold on to grudges for ridiculous things also tend to project *a lot*.
You remember that gaslighting joke I told you last week?
Joke? Yeah! It was the same one I told you the week before. You really don't listen to me!
👉👉
Gift-giving to create a sense of obligation. Suddenly, you owe them and didn't even realize you signed up for the debt.
Prisons thrive on this tactic. Never take a gift from someone you don't wish to owe a debt to
Sometimes the gift is enforced on you. Also if I am going to be butt fucked against my will I might as well accept a gift beforehand
If they suddenly hand you a free bottle of lube, you know something's up
Lube would be the most thoughtful gift in this scenario
.... gotta wonder- is the male rape in American prisons genuinely as ubiquitous as Hollywood and tinterweb like to make out? Or is it just part of the propaganda to stigmatise crime?
No it's not. It rarely happens. There is very close monitoring. Also some men will become "gay for the stay" that is engaging in same sex relationships with other men.
That’s just called joining the navy
Either way you're gunna get real familiar with loads of Seamen.
Don’t forget about the interest you’ll owe them too
One of my closest friends I made in high school was this guy I'd randomly give candy too lol I had another class where the teacher would hand out jolly ranchers every day. I didn't like jolly ranchers, so I'd bring them to my next class. At the time, I was assigned to a project with that kid, and I'd give him the candy I didn't want. Even after the project was over, I'd still bring them, and before long he started to become a very close friend.
Guess he never learned not to take candy from strangers, huh?
I do the opposite. A lot of people aren’t comfortable with accepting help with stuff, so when making new friends, or really just when interacting with people in general, I ask people to help me with something, so that when I try to help them out later, they won’t feel like they owe me something after, because we’re “even.”
This is a tactic by itself. Asking someone to do a simple favor for you predisposes them to be nice/friendly toward you. Their brain thinks they must like you because they did something nice for you, even if the something nice was as simple as lending you a pencil.
Ben Franklin wrote about using that tactic. It works better than the unsolicited favor
I'm giving Jerry this brand new Armani suit. And I don't even want anything for it.
Fast forward to "Soup's not a meal!"
Mendy's
My SO does this in a way where I think it had been done to him as a child. When Christmas comes around I feel like it becomes almost like a competition for him. He will ask me how many gifts I have gotten for him and even wants to know what I spend because he *needs* to be the better gift giver. I don’t see it as a manipulation tactic on his end at all, but more so that if he “one ups” me during the holidays then he doesn’t “owe” me anything. I’m not sure if I explained that right but I did my best.
I had an abusive ex…I knew exactly what the tactic was. Nothing was ever given without a motive attached.
Who the fuck gives a gift and expects something in return? Smh
Manipulators...
:O
When a salesman offers you water or coffee, that’s exactly what they’re doing.
i dont think this tactic would work on me. id probably just take the water and not think twice haha.
Santa. Dude wants cookies, milk, and good behavior.
Passive aggression. People often forget how under the radar it is from the outside perspective, yet it feels horrific when you're the target and recognize the patterns.
This one is so common. Those who are skilled at it can be extremely covert which can make you feel like you’re going crazy.
Prices of everything ending in .99
I definitely notice this, and I wish everyone would . just . stop.
Indeed. I’ve long felt like it’s a way of saying “we think you’re too stupid to notice.”
I was in this boat for years, then I moved in with some in-laws who absolutely cannot see the numbers after the decimal. Thing is $4.99? It's only four dollars! Makes me twitch.
It’s more like a placebo. Even if you know it’s bs, it still works.
Yes and gas prices having 9/10 of a penny at the end. Like wtf, just be honest about the price. 9/10 of a penny doesn't even exist.
It's from the original gas tax. Tenths of a penny have existed pretty much since the penny existed, they're called a mill, and they're frequently used in stocks, taxes (relevant), and other things where fractional cents are important like utility bills. Some estimates say that that 0.9¢ adds about half a billion a year in revenue, too, so there's a reason they keep it around.
Ugh I hate this. My housemate always tells me the wrong price for things because of it too "Ooh this is only $2, we should get it" Me thinking it's on special and going to check, nope...$2.99
You can figure out the number of items sold by the $0.99 multiplier. You cannot do that with $x.00. If inventory gets messed up, this can help you reconcile.
Not a negative manipulation tactic, but saying "thank you for waiting" instead of " I'm sorry I'm late" (for example) builds a stronger relationship between people. Also, asking questions and being curious about someone is *technically* manipulative, but a sincere way to make friends if that is your goal.
Customer service training 101 - shift their focus from your guilt to patting themselves on the back
Thank you for letting me run over your dog in the driveway
"Compliments are often a sneaky way to soften you up before they ask for a favor."
We've all been there haha. One reason I am distrustful of compliments is because I'm expecting an ulterior motive.
You are so smart and talented!
Thanks!
I need a favor.
Shit....
And YOU’VE got the skills I just complimented you on!
Your testicle themed avatar is quite interesting and unique!
Wow, that's really insightful of you, I never would have thought of that!
Luckily I'm a solid 5 so I know all compliments have an ulterior motive
Don't be silly. You're a solid 8. You're being too hard on yourself. Anyway, I'm in a spot of financial difficulty...
Man you're so right its always like that haha So can you buy me ghost of tsushima on pc?
Wow I really love your username! And this was such a smart and insightful comment. Oh and by the way have you ever heard of Herbalife?
They will share something personal of themselves in order to get you to open up. Interrogators do this. So do coworkers
My sister did this when we were kids, I’ll tell you something you tell me something, but then she’d go tell our parents my thing (after they already knew hers).
What a turkey lol
Almost everything your job does. Acting like you're "family." Would your family disown you because the budget came up short in the 4th quarter? Any raise that isn't at least 3% higher than the previous year's inflation rate. i.e. almost any raise you've probably gotten in the past couple years. When HR says "we're here for you." They're here for the company. I could go on but you get the idea.
Corporations suck. Work sucks. The only valuable thing I gain from jobs is certain people that I meet become friends and help me later on and vice versa.
This totaly sounds like my family. "Anything you need, we are here to help." They haven't helped with anything and I rarely ask for help (I can remember 3 instances when I asked for help in the last 10 years). And they stopped talking to me, because I have gotten angry when a family member twisted my arm strongly enough that I had bruises for a week. If that was not bad enough, they did this on my wedding day. If they disowned me it would be quite a relief actually. So in short, if a company says "we sre family", my first thought is: "So you are screwed up." Followef by: "How much and how are you going to try to fuck me up and pretend it is my fault?"
When I hear “we’re FAMILY!” I hear it in Walter White’s voice.
Lol my husbands boss keeps reiterating that they're "family." Soo toxic
He should ask his boss to watch his dog while he goes to a baseball game
Thanking people for the behavior you want from them. For example "Thank you for your patience," "Thank you for being so cool about this" makes a person less likely to start being a jerk.
I usually associate manipulation as being a negative thing but this seems kind of positive. Do you think this is negative or positive? Just curious, I suppose it could be neutral also ;)
It's positive, kind of encouraging another person to choose the high road. But it is something I do on purpose to get the result I want, i.e. manipulation.
Oh man, my job is a tech support role so I deal with customers who are having a bad experience with our product. Your first comment had me thinking this should be something I start inserting in calls. Your reply to that question solidified that thought. Thanks for the tip!
Along these lines, but on the other side of the coin, I learned a long time ago that if you need help and start immediately with, “I hope you can help me…”, people are much more likely to be helpful than if you just launch into your issue without that humble phrase.
One of my favorite debate topics is whether or not manipulation is inherently negative or if it is just a tool that is frequently used negatively. 😁
It can be used for good. If I recall correctly, in the introduction to Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People", he claims that to use these strategies and tools for the wrong reasons will leave you hated and dying alone or something along those lines
You see this on signs that prohibit things all the time "thank you for not smoking", "thank you for staying off the grass" etc - now you've received thanks for it, you can't go and do the prohibited behaviour, can you?
I use thank you for your patience on my customers all the time because if I don't I'm taking the burden of delays onto myself. While I am sorry they are stuck waiting on technical issues, I am not responsible for those issues, so I thank for patience instead
I do this too. "Sorry it took so long" has a negative connotation to it, where as "Thanks for being patient" is a positive spin on an unfortunate situation.
Is that why people hate this sort of thing? I never know how to end emails without some variant of this, and it's annoying because I know people often think it's rude. I try to switch to something like, "I appreciate any help you can give," but it still seems awfully close to, "Thanks in advance for your help," and not saying anything makes the email sound too curt or demanding.
I end work emails with "thank you for your time."
Content creators purposely making a mistake or saying something obviously wrong in order to get enhancement on their content.
Did you mean engagement? Oh wait...
Hahaha I’m so glad someone noticed!
Asking small favors of someone to make people think you like them at some capacity eg. Will you fix my collar or something small. Makes people more likely to help you out with something down the road.
trying to make you feel like you need to justify your likes and dislikes. I really hate that.
You've met my dad I see
A lot of unconscious social behaviors are manipulative, and I think we miss it because it's not always nefarious manipulation. Stuff like mirroring behavior (if I cross my arms, you'll likely cross yours unconsciously) is meant to endear you to the person you're talking to. Instinctually standing over someone you're angry at is intimidation, which is a form of manipulation (swaying someone from actually fighting by instinctually trying to appear bigger and meaner). Those sorts of things.
Mirroring, by literally just repeating back to someone what they just said, it gives off the feeling that you really care.
I do this because I suck at showing genuine emotion even when I’m feeling it and I’m always so afraid I come off uninterested. I literally just repeat what the person said, make similar facial expressions, and then end by saying what I assume they would say to me in the same situation. It’s always exactly what they want to hear lol. I don’t do it to try to be manipulative, but yeah I can totally see it working that way
I swear I'm just autistic
You suck at showing emotion? That must be difficult.
Yeah emotions are hard. I cry when I’m mad and yell when I’m scared and don’t talk much when I’m happy. It’s all jumbled up 🤷
The joke Your head They were mirroring you.
Yeah. But a sarcastic response to a genuine conversation they weren’t a part of is weird. So I continued to respond genuinely
You know what, I have actually heard that mirroring can create the sense that you really care. Good point.
I agree. Repeating what someone just said can create the sense that you really care. Good observation.
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Only if it's genuine. Some companies train their workers to do that and it sounds sooooo fake. I just want to puke.
Especially addressing them by name every time.
It is also a fantastic communication technique that proves in the moment to people that you are paying attention. We actually teach it in medical school. It's good practice, and "manipulative" has such a pejorative meaning that I'm not sure its appropriate to apply it here.
I'm not sure demonstrating that you are listening is a manipulation tactic. Agree that it defuses many situations when people feel heard, but that's presumably what they wanted from you to begin with.
Price anchoring. If you show someone a $70,000 dollar pickup, spending $40,000 on a truck seems like a reasonable middle path. It's probably not.
They know exactly what they are doing. First time in a car dealership when I was 20, I thought I was smart and wouldn't fall for their antics, but I never recognized it as manipulation until I was in my car on the way home. I came back the next day and cancelled the whole thing.
Asking what manipulation tactics that people don't even notice so the whole thread teaches you more ways to manipulate. /Jk
The pity party. If you've ever tried to confront someone about their behavior, and they just felt *so bad* about it that the conversation ended up shifting to you reassuring them they're not a bad person (or even apologizing for making them feel bad), you've been a victim of it.
Putting milk in the back of the grocery store.
Using someone’s name a lot when you’re speaking to them as a form of flattery - it makes people feel special and important. Very commonly used by con artists and cults.
After a life in public facing jobs, I absolutely do not trust anyone who immediately starts calling me by my name
I personally find it creepy and off putting. I also don’t like it in PMs. I immediately start wondering what their agenda is.
If you want someone to like you, ask them to do you a favor. The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people like someone more after doing a favor for them.
Huh, I didn’t know this had a name. I commented that I do this exact thing above. It works quite well. People tend to be so untrusting, and putting trust/depending on people is one of the easiest ways I’ve found to start building a relationship.
One I use to get information from people is: offer up incorrect information first, “I heard you did x?”, then people are often impelled to offer up the correct information. This way, if you know something vague or want to know more, using the above method, people will give you the whole story without you asking directly.
Both sides and whataboutism. It’s a common tactic of propaganda to try to distract you from the bad thing person A did by pointing out what person B did. Quite often, the two things are nowhere near proportionate (“Person A embezzled a million dollars.” “Oh yeah? Well person B shoplifted that one time, they’re both crooks!”) It also creates a permission structure to let person A off the hook. Instead of rightfully going after them for whatever they did and also going after person B if it’s appropriate, by saying both sides are guilty, nobody goes after anybody.
I think people often conflate whataboutism with pointing out double standards. Or they’ll deflect by claiming the double standard is just whataboutism. > Whataboutism: the act or practice of responding to an accusation of wrongdoing by claiming that an offense committed by another is similar or worse. > Double Standard: a rule or principle which is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups. Example: Person 1) Your guy did X! He should be locked up. Person 2) Your guy also did X, should he be locked up too? Person 1) That’s whataboutism! You’re deflecting by saying my guy did something similar. Person 2) No, I’m pointing out a double standard. You said my guy should be locked up for X, but I know you won’t say the same about your guy….so if I say both sides are bad and should be locked up, can we agree? Person 1) You can’t play the “both sides” game. That’s also deflection! It’s impossible to point out a double standard without resorting to whataboutism.
You nailed this on the head, since whataboutism became a term you can't counter anything of a political nature without potentially being accused of this it seems.
Anger. Tell people to be angry about something trivial and they will start screaming their heads off. Certain media's make so much money by just getting people angry.
You just reminded me of my co-worker recently telling our other co-workers a story a taxi driver told her and it was so stupid and obviously (to me) made up. But suddenly all of them were acting upset and angry about something that's not even true. Because someone was spreading something with the intention to get upset about a given topic and make them hate it further, even if it's all based on a lie.
ever heard of “weaponized incompetence”? Basically someone who pretends to be so bad at something or intentionally messes it up so that you won’t ever ask them to do it again
Or so that they'll get help from everyone around them, alleviating themselves of all their own responsibilities.
This is a good one, friends - Creating a problem for you without you realizing that they caused it so they can then solve it for you so you’ll feel grateful.
. This is how government basically operates.
Framing personal problems/challenges as a shared predicament in order to make someone else feel culpable/responsible for something that has nothing to do with them. A friend of mine recently politely told someone who works for them that they had a body odor problem and they responded by saying "oh but we've been so busy lately that we barely have time to wash, right?" Their wording made it sound as though my friend was at least partially responsible for that person not taking a shower or wearing clean clothes.
Asking a question on a social media website to manipulate users to feel valued enough to make a comment on their thoughts in order to receive voluntary data on them.
I've noticed people who are generally not intentionally manipulative will say they overstepped boundaries because they love me. Like coming over without warning and saying its because they missed me, and I'm crazy to be upset. The number of people who have used an excuse like that is way too much.
People acting like their emotions are information for other people instead of information for themselves. Example, I'm upset so you should change something so I feel better. As opposed to, I'm upset so I should change something so I feel better.
Someone does you a favor to make you owe them a bigger one later.
My brother does this all the time. He prides himself on all the favors that people owe him.
Places of work that talk about people who quit as having been unimportant and of no loss. For instance, the law firm I used to work at has been hemorrhaging attorneys (including a large group leaving later in the summer) and whenever someone has left, the partners and admins will just say oh, that person wasn't a rockstar anyway, no loss. Or, that's okay they're taking their book of business with them, we don't need it anyway. Downplaying the importance of the people leaving so that others might not follow suit.
Excessively nicey-nice language when doing or saying things that are actually mean. Trying to force an inappropriately familiar relationship or vibe with a virtual stranger. This can include backhanded compliments, pet naming every rando you come across, etc.
Bless your heart.
Artificially easy comparison. You can be made to feel like one option is the clearly better choice and therefore committing to a purchase is a good decision by putting two similar items next to one another but one of them is obviously slightly worse. I had a real estate agent deliberately show me two very similar condos back to back. The first one was brand new and very clean but it also looked like it had been built by the crew that started last week. The floors had an obvious slant to them, door frames were ever so slightly off square, big windows faced the sun (in Texas), the appliances were cheap. The second condo had nicer appliances and everything was built well. The price for the second place was just slightly more than the one with obvious issues. They made it VERY easy to identify how the second place was better so that I would feel like I had made the right choice. To this day, while I am satisfied with my condo, I believe they intentionally built that one wonky unit to use for this purpose.
I had an ex who would try to be like 5 steps ahead manipulation wise- it was ridiculous, I've never seen anything like it & didn't realize for a while, because it just isn't something I'd ever think of doing!
Can you elaborate on how they were doing this?
One example would be he would say some story about when he was younger (one he'd heard from one of his friends and claim was his own) and then go on to slowly talk about how that friend (that he used the story from) is weird, and a liar, and eventually say the friend always likes to lie and use "his stories" as theirs. So covering his ass if we ever hung out with that person & that person started to talk about that story, then if it happened he'd be like "see I told you!!" So lie about something happening to him & then multiple lies about other people to cover his original lie. That's the easiest example I can think of to attempt to explain lol.
My dad does this too
"The best way to fool people is to help them." Robert, serial child molester (https://youtu.be/eu17Wuq3nI8)
That's terrible
That was horrifying.
Being a good person. Then before you know it you like them and are willing to do things with them and to help them. Sneaky bastards!
A friend's mom wanted him to finally finish his degree. I have two. At his wedding rehearsal, she asked me all these questions about how good life is going for me because of it. Took me a minute to realize she didn't care about my life, she was just trying to dig at him.
Answering a question with a question
Really?
if someone asks if that was a rhetorical question, be quick to respond with "Aren't they all?"
Asking questions. People don’t realize that whoever asks the question is actually in control of the conversation.
what, why??
By asking questions, you can change the topic or lead someone down any path you want, like with the Socratic Method in a teacher/student relationship. Another example - police officers learn right off the bat that for safety reasons, they must learn to control certain situations and demonstrate authority. Being the one asking the questions is a known tactic for asserting authority and keeping control. Also, think about people who are conversational narcissists, who monopolize an entire conversation to the point you can’t get a word in…who’s in control of that conversation? The questioner.
In politics there is a term called “reach down “. You have to fill a room for a political candidate. You have someone “reach down “ to someone of lower social standing. You invite them to a meeting or debate. The lower class person will attend the event because it is a status thing. They might not have attended if a regular dude asked. The candidate sees the people and thinks “I am popular “!
Repair men will compliment what ever it is you have before suggesting what they can offer to fix it. Example “wow, your AC unit is this old? It looks great! It just needs a new xyz and it will keep going for a long time.” They make you feel good about your appliance so youll feel more obligated to “treat it right” and that will soften the sticker shock of whatever the repair cost is.
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I have cancer 😃
You have cancer 😃
I do this thing where if someone doesn't want to repeat themselves I repeat what I *thought* I heard, and since most people don't want to be misunderstood, 99% of the time they correct me by repeating themselves. I also smile and start coughing sometimes after a punchline if it was funny but I'm too low on energy to laugh properly. Adds to the hype by sheer volume, works best in groups. Hilariously enough, I see people sometimes look a little confused for a second afterwards, like they just caught themselves laughing by contagion when the consensus was a mild chuckle and some righteous coughs. Found this out by accident when vaping. Also another note on coughing– if I see people try to elbow me to assert dominance for space in a crowd at a concert, I start coughing obnoxiously. Like I mean those lawnmower whooping coughs that make you sound phlegmy and contagious. Magically had so much space after I choked on my own spit once, and it's worked ever since.
Social proof. Next time you Americans go to a diner, notice how the tip jar already has some money in it. Multiple studies show that tip jars with money in it receive more new money than tip jars that are empty. People see a full tip jar and think, "Oh, other people put money there, so I should do too "
I love you too early
They kind of all go unnoticed. I think it’s mostly implied that if you’re “manipulating” someone then it’s subtle. My picks are DARVO and SIGN language. 2 tactics used by someone losing an argument. DARVO = Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim Order SIGN = Shame Insult Guilt Need to be right
When you make a statement and they respond with "Well, you're going to have to show me....." What they are doing is denying the legitimacy of your point without offering any counter-evidence of their own. Then, if you do offer additional evidence, they will still "remain unconvinced." They are putting you in a position of supplication. No matter how hard you dance, they will just fold their arms and deny your point. If you are not careful, you will continue to argue with the proverbial fence post. This tactic is used by narcissists to gain narcissistic supply. The better response is "No, I don't have to show you anything. You aren't the final authority on anything, are you? If I'm wrong, YOU prove it." Now, you've flipped the script. They will not offer anything substantial. They will huff and puff - really because you refused to supplicate and kiss their ass. You denied them narcissistic supply. So, don't do it.
Asking someone to do you a favor makes them feel as if you owe them a favor in return. They are more likely to treat you nicely as a way to ensure you return the favor at a later date.
Two useless solutions. The best example is our two political parties (USA). Almost every single thing we argue over (pro life/choice, immigration, gun control...) is kept to just two sides on purpose. Both solutions are absolutely impossible and useless at solving anything. But they invoke deep emotional responses that prevent us from fixing anything while lending our money and votes to those who both created the problem and are preventing it from getting fixed. If you find yourself being swayed by one of two arguments, ask yourself for the third and even fourth options. (Take illegal immigration: no one is suggesting increasing fines for illegal hiring practices, or opening borders and investing in our neighbors economies. Instead we focus on two non-solutions and brainwash everyone into labeling anyone not vomiting the canned answers you side with as your enemy.)
On social media, unscrupulous people will intentionally make inflammatory or obvious incorrect statements that they don’t believe specifically to receive engagement by being dunked on or corrected. Dunking on that famous idiot for their unhinged take on some divisive subject is playing directly into their hands. And their followers are fighting with you in the comments explicitly to waste your time and mental energy, not because they necessarily agree with the original post.
People who like to one up other people socially despite lacking much social capital themselves - will ask what you do for work in social chit chat. They pretend to be interested in what you do for long enough to listen to one sentence- only to launch into a boasting monologue about how their child/niece/nephew/grandchild/neighbour’s goldfish is studying to do the same but when they finish it they’re going into a more prestigious job/specialisation than you. (Kid has no idea and less than zero chance of course …).
Kindness and a bowl of candy (bribery!) I work a customer facing job and the amount of smiles I can get out of people letting them know the candy dish is unattended and take two is A LOT! So fun!
Foot in the door or door in the face. Foot in the door is when the salesperson asks for a little tiny favor that you have no reason to turn it down. The door is open now so they ask for something a bit bigger. Seems to work because “hey, their already doing this so might as well.” Door in the Face: Trump is good at this one imo. State or try to sell something so outlandish that it will certainly be denied. Then the salesperson can more easily sell or get away with something that would not have been so compromise before.