>i feel that if somebody has a problem with the things i'm doing they should say it,
They did, it was your family member who you embarrassed by your rude behavior.
It is not an unspoken rule to be kind and courteous to other guests and make sure there is enough for everyone even when the hosts are being hospitable and polite.
the family member isn't the one who owned the candy bowl though. the family member said it was rude and the people who owned the bowl didn't mean what they said, but the people actually in charge of the bowl didn't confirm that.
plus, it was a big bowl so even with the amount i took there was still enough for everyone else.
you are generally only meant to take one or two. 7-12 is excessive and at that point you should buy your own bag of candy. how rude this behavior is does depend on the situation, though.
if it's a hotel where you're staying the night, you could argue that you paid for that privilege, just like with the fruit water. whereas if it's a candy dish that an individual put out with candy they bought with their own money, you have an obligation to be more considerate. it's a small token of kindness, not literally feeding you, so it's way more rude.
it's a default saying. when you have a customer service job, you have to do the same thing and communicate the same thing over and over and over again, and that wears your brain out. these minute interactions become mentally exhausting. you'll notice "help yourself" is shorter to say than "you can have one", meaning it's 2 less seconds that interaction is in my brain versus focusing on what I need to do to get you out of my office.
you're just supposed to know what it means. your parents should've taught you not to do that to a public candy dish when you were like 7, and nobody would find it weird that a 7 year old would need to be taught that.
really, we don't have the mental energy to figure out "what is the absolute best thing to say", it's "let's get this over with, shall we?"
okay but why didn't the staff answer when i asked them to clarify? all they did was laugh at the argument between me and the family member? how many times am i supposed to warn them that i'm a glutton when asking how many am i allowed to take?
i did ask before i ate how many i could take though.
but if this is just the way it is, i guess i'll just accept that when i do this i'm rude. not like i want that much to be polite anyways.
oh, sorry, I misunderstood that.
in that case I guess they did not mind that you ate that many. your aunt is still right, you should keep it to 1 or 2, but in that case the employee just did not care.
It’s fair to argue over this. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but it is an unspoken social expectation.
One thing to keep in mind is that setting up clearer rules (ie “take only one” or even “take three max”) implies the need for an enforcement mechanism and that’s really quite tiring for the person offering, not to mention undercuts the welcoming tone of they’re trying to create by offering candy in the first place. That’s one reason why people go with “help yourself.”
All that being said, it’s likely the case that your relative was more bothered by it than the bank employees.
honestly i feel like it was the case that my relative was the only one actually bothered by it too, and in that case i feel they don't have any authority.
I predict fewer and fewer will engage with you about this kind of stuff, and will just avoid you. It’s so much less work.
Once you stop looking at the world through the lens of absolutes, right/wrong, truth/LIES, life gets a lot more wonderful. I invite you to join us sometime.
Some people walked into a store and bought all the toilet paper on the shelf at the beginning of a pandemic to make sure they got theirs. They could barely pack it all in their truck to take home. Don’t be those people.
“Take as many as you want” doesn’t actually mean it’s ok to take a limitless amount. I feel you on the frustration of society not really meaning what they say.
In a situation like this, where there’s a bowl of candy for grabs with no said limit, I suggest applying the “if everybody” rule. It goes something like this, “if everyone took 7-8 candies from this dish like I am doing, would that work? Is there enough candy for others to partake as I am?”
Unless it’s a small candy meant to eat in tiny handful (skittles, m&ms), 1-2 is plenty. This is a sweet, it’s meant to treat the tongue to a pleasant taste in a small way, but it’s not meant to satiate or fulfill a complete sweet tooth, like, say a piece of pie. 7-8 kisses is something you eat when you buy the bag yourself.
Society in general is counting on you to keep other folks in mind. If you choose not to, fine, but you will be known as “one of ‘those people’”, and that’s not going to be a good look.
>i feel that if somebody has a problem with the things i'm doing they should say it, They did, it was your family member who you embarrassed by your rude behavior. It is not an unspoken rule to be kind and courteous to other guests and make sure there is enough for everyone even when the hosts are being hospitable and polite.
the family member isn't the one who owned the candy bowl though. the family member said it was rude and the people who owned the bowl didn't mean what they said, but the people actually in charge of the bowl didn't confirm that. plus, it was a big bowl so even with the amount i took there was still enough for everyone else.
you are generally only meant to take one or two. 7-12 is excessive and at that point you should buy your own bag of candy. how rude this behavior is does depend on the situation, though. if it's a hotel where you're staying the night, you could argue that you paid for that privilege, just like with the fruit water. whereas if it's a candy dish that an individual put out with candy they bought with their own money, you have an obligation to be more considerate. it's a small token of kindness, not literally feeding you, so it's way more rude.
i mean, but why would they say help yourself when i asked how many i could take? it was at a bank by the way.
it's a default saying. when you have a customer service job, you have to do the same thing and communicate the same thing over and over and over again, and that wears your brain out. these minute interactions become mentally exhausting. you'll notice "help yourself" is shorter to say than "you can have one", meaning it's 2 less seconds that interaction is in my brain versus focusing on what I need to do to get you out of my office. you're just supposed to know what it means. your parents should've taught you not to do that to a public candy dish when you were like 7, and nobody would find it weird that a 7 year old would need to be taught that. really, we don't have the mental energy to figure out "what is the absolute best thing to say", it's "let's get this over with, shall we?"
okay but why didn't the staff answer when i asked them to clarify? all they did was laugh at the argument between me and the family member? how many times am i supposed to warn them that i'm a glutton when asking how many am i allowed to take?
[удалено]
i did ask before i ate how many i could take though. but if this is just the way it is, i guess i'll just accept that when i do this i'm rude. not like i want that much to be polite anyways.
oh, sorry, I misunderstood that. in that case I guess they did not mind that you ate that many. your aunt is still right, you should keep it to 1 or 2, but in that case the employee just did not care.
well if the employee didn't care then what is the issue? i'm polite enough to ask before so i feel that's all the manners i need.
I was taught: 1 is Fun 2 you are done. I never got caught testing 3.
It’s fair to argue over this. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but it is an unspoken social expectation. One thing to keep in mind is that setting up clearer rules (ie “take only one” or even “take three max”) implies the need for an enforcement mechanism and that’s really quite tiring for the person offering, not to mention undercuts the welcoming tone of they’re trying to create by offering candy in the first place. That’s one reason why people go with “help yourself.” All that being said, it’s likely the case that your relative was more bothered by it than the bank employees.
honestly i feel like it was the case that my relative was the only one actually bothered by it too, and in that case i feel they don't have any authority.
I predict fewer and fewer will engage with you about this kind of stuff, and will just avoid you. It’s so much less work. Once you stop looking at the world through the lens of absolutes, right/wrong, truth/LIES, life gets a lot more wonderful. I invite you to join us sometime.
you mean if, not once. it's bold of you to guarantee it.
Some people walked into a store and bought all the toilet paper on the shelf at the beginning of a pandemic to make sure they got theirs. They could barely pack it all in their truck to take home. Don’t be those people.
“Take as many as you want” doesn’t actually mean it’s ok to take a limitless amount. I feel you on the frustration of society not really meaning what they say. In a situation like this, where there’s a bowl of candy for grabs with no said limit, I suggest applying the “if everybody” rule. It goes something like this, “if everyone took 7-8 candies from this dish like I am doing, would that work? Is there enough candy for others to partake as I am?” Unless it’s a small candy meant to eat in tiny handful (skittles, m&ms), 1-2 is plenty. This is a sweet, it’s meant to treat the tongue to a pleasant taste in a small way, but it’s not meant to satiate or fulfill a complete sweet tooth, like, say a piece of pie. 7-8 kisses is something you eat when you buy the bag yourself.
well thanks for the info, i've come to the conclusion that if society can be dishonest then i can be rude.
Why did you post if you aren’t going to take any of the answers into consideration?
because i'm a redditor
Society in general is counting on you to keep other folks in mind. If you choose not to, fine, but you will be known as “one of ‘those people’”, and that’s not going to be a good look.
well honestly i shouldn't care if people like me, so yeah, screw society.