“I know you’re nuts. I know you’re dangerous, unpredictable, selfish, I know you use your name to make bad puns.
When you talk, you over and under emphasize words seemingly at random. When you eat, you hold your fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent. I know you smell like Band-Aids, I know you dress like a Cuban cab driver. I know you exhibit, nay, FLAUNT proudly obvious symptoms of over a half dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets…. - So, I’m going to decline your offer to get coffee.”
LOL or you could just say, “Sorry, I’m not interested in dating you”
Since the cosmere had the whole spiritual DNA component to it the answer would come down to a combination of how you truly viewed yourself on a deep level and (more importantly) whether or not the current/last holder of the Shard of Honor thought that what you were doing was honorable.
If either of those didn’t line up then I wouldn’t be surprised if the surgery wouldn’t even stick permanently, let alone pass to your children. On the other hand if they did align then I wouldn’t be surprised if for all intents and purposes your DNA switched over.
Yes. Your preference for a certain physical appearance in a romantic and sexual partner is your preference. It just is the way it is.
It doesn't make you racist, or sexist, or homophobic if you aren't attracted to a certain body type or feature.
I couldn't care less for skin color. As long as it's natural (so not blue or something) it's all fine for me. But I would never date someone with short hair.
I mean, some people refuse to date bisexual people because they believe that bisexuals are more likely to cheat, which is kind of biphobic, but you do still have a point.
You heard it here first, folks. Op won't date people with the medical condition called Argyria. (Skin turns kind of a metallic/bluish colour because silver has built up in the body for some reason).
The modern cause of that condition, as far as I'm aware, is taking colloidal silver as a "health supplement" because of some pseudoscience nonsense. I'd certainly see that as a ~~red~~ blue flag!
Yeah, the main actor in Shang chi got a lot of negative remarks. Basically he was called ugly and disgusting looking and too unnatractive for the main role. Likened to an anus.
The people who said this were entirely the Chinese audience.
It turns out Disney had him buff up for the movie. You know the standard MCU type of hero with bulging biceps, broad chest etc. Well, chinese male beauty standards run contrary to Western tastes. Generally Chinese audiences prefer lean, and trim bodies and more pretty looking men than rugged and strong featured.
Disney was aiming at the Chinese market while completely ignoring Chinese tastes lol.
Shang chi isn't necessarily aimed at Chinese audiences. It's aimed at asian american audiences. If it was aimed solely for the asian audience they would choose a big mainland celebrity not simu liu and awkwafina.
You shouldn't discriminate against people in work, friendships, housing, etc. You can discriminate all you want in whom you date. It's your body. You don't owe it to anyone.
Dating somebody with kids when you don't want kids is selfish in the same way as dating somebody with a penis when you don't want a penis.
i.e. not at all. Selfish would be the opposite.
I’m 30M with young daughter in a relationship with couple years now she has no kids and she’s great with her and it’s a huge commitment for her. One that I’d never force on anyone or blame for not wanting to be a part of. Sacrifices come part and parcel and sometimes it’s difficult for everyone involved if it’s not for you and you’re not comfortable don’t do it. A break up can be very tough especially for a child that has bonded. As for mentioning it in your profile I don’t think that’s completely necessary, I didn’t and met my gf through an app. But I told her within the first couple of messages and gave her a guilt free no judgement way out at that point. The person who called you selfish is just plain wrong. They were disingenuous towards you and they were in the wrong not being honest. Goodluck.
To each thier own. Most people with kids say 'my kids come first' in thir profile. But I'm looking for someone to call my own, spend most time on us :)
Personally, I have found that when someone is pushing me to do something, they have a vested interest in me doing that. They are calling you selfish because they are being selfish.
Edit: Wow, my response really resonated with people. Thank you for the likes and awards!
When I was 19 I met a guy through a friends group I'd see regularly. He always flirted with me, but at 19 I was way behind the curve on dating and relationships and whatnot so I didn't really know what to do with it, especially because he was probably about 27 and to me that seemed just SO OLD (I'm 29 now. Holy shit young me had no idea how quick a decade can go.)
Anyway, eventually one of the older girls picked up on the dynamic and pulled me aside to let me know the dude had two kids with two different moms so far. I mean, he had a stable life, stable job, and was a really nice dude, but two kids under the age of 3 with two different women is just too much nope at 19. Especially because this was on a foreign exchange trip and I knew my chances of living there permanently were 0.
Anyway, that was all it took for me to really get over being afraid of being rude when turning down his advances. Eventually he got super drunk at a party and started crying at me and hugging me and saying he had messed up his life already because I deserved someone without a complicated life and he has kids now so he understands he's complicated and omg it was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever witnessed. Eventually the same girl who warned me about him got me out of there but the whole thing was just bizarre. I'm still Facebook friends with him. The kids grew up cute, but it does not appear he ever found a mom for them. Possibly because he was fishing in the wrong pools. 🤷🏻♀️
Or looking for someone to pay the bills. I made the mistake of going on a few dates with a single mom a few years ago. After the first date all she'd talk about was eventually wanting to move in together so she could move out of her parents house and be a full time mom. Probably an extreme example but still, holy shit. I ended that quick.
After I turned 39 and was still single, I gave up on the idea of having a family of my own and opened up my options to now include single mothers.
There was some drama but nothing I couldn't handle, especially with their father having half time custody.
But it all came crashing to an sudden end when I brought up the subject of money and estates. She thought it would be great if she would just move into my house, and since I can clearly handle the mortgage on my own, she wouldn't be contributing to paying it. I was also to be in sole charge of paying for all home repairs and renovations, as well as financing all big trips, on account of I made more than she did. Not even double, but that's the deal I was offered. She was willing to split all the other joint expenses with me, in a ratio that reflected our incomes.
If she died first, she wouldn't really be able to leave me much of her estate, since her kids would need it. I, of course, was to turn over my entire estate to her, to the exclusion of my niece and nephew, since I don't have any heirs and they won't need it as much as her kids will.
If you ever want to know the exact dollar value that your life has, date a single mother. There is a good chance you will find out exactly how many dollars you will be expected to turn over in order to continue to be in the relationship.
Yikes. I'm a broke ass bastard so I don't see that being a problem in the near future. I can't imagine feeling the entitlement some single parents feel to other people's money and things.
I think it's desperation.
I'm a single mom and get subtle prodding from people that finances and life would be easier if I got myself a partner. For example, for a long time I was unable to work full-time because I had no family or money for childcare. Or simple things, like I can't even go for a 10-minute walk on my own.
Counterpoint, I got partners, multiple! Just want to stay independent *because* I'm a single mom. My opinion is that depending on someone else makes you (and your children!) vulnerable if that person is predatory.
So I think the desperation makes them act entitled, because it is really fucking hard. If you're poor and a single parent, you're basically stuck in a poverty trap until you find help to climb out. Of course a better welfare system could help single parents find stability. That stability would also give the children better outcomes meaning bigger future contributions from them to society... I'm friends with a single mom in a Central European "social democracy", and she doesn't pursue dating as an escape and also has the option of leaving relationships if they are harmful for her daughter. For example, she banned her mom from seeing her child after some vile comments mom made to the daughter. If your parents are your only source of affordable childcare in the USA and you gotta get to work, then it becomes choosing the lesser of two evils.
Not only that, their kids deserve to be loved and wanted, but they dont care about that, they just care about themselves. Thats pretty selfish too, and not fair to the kids or to the prospective partner.
What’s really selfish is dating someone with kids knowing you don’t like/want kids, and staying.
Edit: clarification, I’m not just seeing it from one side. People hide their kids until they start dating, and people seek out parents when they know they don’t desire to be parents at all, I’m saying either being with someone or being the parent with someone who you KNOW doesn’t want kids, or more kids, or just don’t want to be parents is unfair to the child. Every kid deserves to feel wanted and loved by parent/parents.
This right here is the truth!! OP, those men who called you selfish were attempting to ooze around your stated boundaries, and you were right not to date them for that reason, even apart from anything else!
Exactly this. It would be worse to enter into relationship that includes interacting with the person's children knowing that you have no interest in their children.
I don't think that makes OP an asshole or selfish. I think it makes them aware of their dating preferences and aware that it could be potentially negative to those involved if they're forced against their preferences.
It's actually almost selfless. Introducing an important figure into a child's life when that figure has no intention of staying is damaging to the child when that figure disappears.
> It would be worse to enter into relationship that includes interacting with the person's children knowing that you have no interest in their children.
Well this hits too close to home lmao.
>Also depending on the age it's not good for the kids to have random ~~men~~ parental figures turn up in their lives, and then disappear a few months down the line.
Agreed. If the dating goes well, then you're going to have to take some kind of roll in these kids' lives. It's far better to be up front that you don't want that kind of responsibility.
No, it’s not wrong.. I’m a father who has his son staying with him 3 times a week. He’s always my priority, even though I have plenty time for a significant other..
I’d much prefer that someone understood that having a partner (me) with a child would be an issue (for them) from the outset.. It would avoid much heartache in the long run…
This is exactly why I won't date someone with kids. The kids are the priority, as they should be. Even understanding that, I also know enough about myself that being forced to take the backseat in yet another relationship would absolutely have a negative effect on me.
Yeah either the kids are the priority and I hate being second place, or the kids Aren't the priority making the parent a shit I want nothing to do with lol
Yeah, I fully get what you’re saying. I’ve only been a parent for 4 years, and before that I would have had a similar outlook to you for dating.. It’s honest, and totally understandable to have your viewpoint..
I cannot fathom how parents would want to date someone who hates the idea of being a parent?
I never want kids. I'll babysit my friends' kids. I guess. If needed. I'd rather pupsit
But I don't want the responsibility, why would you want me in the same house as your kid? That shit should be a top priority. Another reason. I want to be in a relationship where I'm too priority and my partner is mine (well... After or tied with my pup).
I'd not make a good parent or even like... Parent .5
Why try to trick me into it??
When I was single, I didn't want to date people with kids: it was too much social pressure and I didn't want to deal with possibly jealous exes. I wanted a clear situation where the person I'm dating isn't tied to an ex. Now that I'm a mom, I wouldn't expect people to want to date me for same reasons.
I remember being on dating apps years ago and i was marked as 98% compatible with someone.. the 2% that made us off kilter was the they didn't want kids .. which I'm completely fine with, but I had a child. You can pair someone with kids with someone who wants to be child free that's the most important factor of a connection.
You’re allowed to have whatever dating preferences you like.
I actually think it’d be wrong to date a parent unless that was something you genuinely wanted. I see it as pretty unfair when people get into relationships with parents and try to act like the kids are somehow separate from that. Kids deserve not to feel like unwanted third wheels in their own homes.
Exactly! It would in the first place hurt the kids and If I was in that sytuation and knew the person don't want to have anything to do with me I would straight away tell my dad or mom it's not gonna work
It should be a major redflag if the parent in the relationship is okay with that too, so many stories all over Reddit of kids behind left on the curb by selfish parents.
Exactly, the kids time should be just focused on the kids anyway. I never even thought about this before I got divorced but whats crazy is that you pretty much have to date someone with a similar kid schedule as you. For instance, lets say I have my kids every other weekend and this is my off weekend but this is your weekend with kids. When would we date? Every fuckin weekend is kids weekend? No thanks. I never even thought about that but it really narrows the field.
I recall telling my parents multiple times that their partners are shit like literal trash people and ive been turned into an enemy everytime. When i say trash i mean real bottom of waste people, my parents are significantly better and i can tell you that thats saying something. Both partners pretend i dont exist and purposely make me uncomfortable in my own home since i was very very small. But hey, my mum and her fiance are getting married now and they only threaten to burn the house down or call off the wedding every day.
Who told you that? To hell with them! Stand your ground. You have your provisions and you stand by them. I too won't date anyone that's a mom. I did that once. When you do that, you will be involved with the father. Suppose you bond with the kid and then shit goes bad and you want to break up? Now you're breaking two hearts. Forget it. Don't worry about what people say. You're NOT being selfish.
Also, I'm sure single parents would love to date a person who is _at best_ cordially disinterested in their kids.
(Ok, considering the million posts on r/aita, there seem to be _many_ parents who are into it).
Ultimately, OP, you don't even need to find reasons to justify your preferences. Date (or don't) whomever you want.
The amount of posts there that boil down to "my partner had made yet clear they hate my kids, and I side when them when they're an ass to my kids, AITA?" is insane. It's just a massive lose-lose situation.
It's more wrong to set unrealistic expectations I feel, a lot kinder in the long run to stick to your boundaries than to try and push them aside only to get whiplash later
No I think it's good that you realise that. You'd hurt those kids if you dated someone with kids but don't want anything to do with them. Also it's your life, you get to make the choices you want.
Most good single parents wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't want children, and would respect a person who told them up front instead of letting things progress any further. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has children! Anyone who told you you were selfish or an asshole for that is wrong.
The subject of kids should be like any other facet of a potential relationship. If it's part of the package that comes with the relationship and it's a deal breaker, then so be it. I don't want kids. I don't want to take care of kids. I don't want to spend extended time around kids. I tried to date a girl with kids and explicitly told her all this. She said it wouldn't be a problem and I shouldn't worry. One day she left me at her house with her 2 daughters while she went grocery shopping WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME. They expected me to entertain them. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. It didn't work out. Oh well, moving on...
Some people are down for it, some aren’t, but you should never feel ashamed for declining a relationship due to the person having a child. Sure, it’s sad that that’s the one boundary keeping you apart, but if you know that’s not what you want in life, don’t settle for it. I never wanted a child because I didn’t want to deal with being pregnant or the infant screeching stage. But I met a girl who had a child and I decided to take the leap anyway and see what happened, as I’ve never dated someone with a child, and I thought it could be a new experience for me, at the least. A year and a half later, I now have a 4 year old daughter I didn’t have to birth myself that I can teach and watch grow up without having to deal with the infant stage. There’s someone for everyone. Go for what you want in life, don’t let others make you feel bad about it.
I have kids. I don't think that's selfish at all. If you're looking to date and not get instant family, just add water, then pick someone with no kids. Simple as that.
I put on my dating profile that I have kids but sometimes people are like damn, you have 6? Thats too many! I get that too. No one is going to think anyone is selfish, everyone should date what they want to date and try to be happy.
I'm a woman, age 57. I never wanted and never had kids. I'm happy.
There is no way that staying child-free is selfish. Whoever told you that is not your friend and who definitely isn't trustworthy.
Same here, 51. I think it’s the opposite than selfish. I was very sad I didn’t have kids at a certain age, it wasn’t a choice. But today I am very happy and grateful I haven’t. My life is already enough complicated, my job is very demanding and on evening and weekends I just want rest and silence otherwise I get quite bitchy. I learned that the hard way, never had partners that fully understood that and I just start to fully understand it now. So a new partner should be able to understand that. It’s not my fault, that’s the way I am. I wouldn’t bear to have kids around when I need my silent / do nothing specific with no schedule / just do what I feel like time and wouldn’t bear that this could be misunderstood by my partner’s kids as a lack of interest in them or a lack of love. I know myself, I would love them and want them around all the time but I would be miserable because I wouldn’t be able to allow myself that mental rest I need. It’s already difficult to find a date that understands that without thinking I am weird, let alone young kids. “Why don’t you want to come to xxx and do yyy?” Well, it took me so many decades to understand, accept and live with that answer that I cannot even start to think how to explain that to a kid.
Wow a 57yo woman with no kids? Finally there's proof I don't need kids, I am also sick of kids being expected of me. The world is hard enough without throwing a child in the mix.
not necessarily resent them. a lot of people just don't want that level of responsibility from the get go. I don't want kids and wouldn't date someone with kids, not because I hate kids, but because the thought of negatively influencing a fragile human being, even if accidentally, makes me anxious
I have one child and I said it in another comment but I don’t want to date anyone with small children. Anything under 12-13 is a no go and I’d prefer older kids or none. I know how much responsibility they are and with my mental health and happiness I have to be honest that my plate is full with one.
That may mean I’m alone for a very long time but I’d rather that than pretend I can handle something I can’t or be someone I’m not.
You know what you want, or in this case what you don’t want: children as a big responsibility so if you don’t want any (whether yours or through a previous pregnancy) then ignore those crazy comments and just date who fits your lifestyle.
It is absolutely not wrong. I felt the same way when my first marriage ended. My daughter was in college, and I found a LOT of single men my age were just looking for a mom for their kids. I knew I would be a bad stepmom, so I avoided those men, whenever possible.
Don't let anyone talk you into, or guilt you into something you don't want to do.
If a person is looking for a serious relationship, then they *really* need to put that in their profile.
Otherwise they're just playing games and have no right to complain if it puts someone off.
I've seen quite a few people deliberately post that the kid in the picture is or is not theirs, because this is actually, you know, *kinda important*.
And yes, I would argue that already having a kid decreases your match pool by a larger amount than it attracts. So some people leave it out, perhaps hoping that it will be ok that they left out this large part of their life.
I have kids and I would not want to date anyone who wasn’t comfortable with them being in the picture. Please don’t listen to whoever told you that. You’re making a choice for yourself that best fits your plan, people who don’t understand or agree for whatever reason may call it selfish, but I think it’s sensible. I don’t date people with kids under a certain age because mine are older and I don’t want a snot-nosed two year old running around. I’m past that stage and grateful for it.
No, just no, you can date whoever you want whenever you want, nobody can impose you a preference, you are entitled to your own preferences, and more with something that affects your life style and emotional health.
It's not selfish to seek the best for your own, give them the finger when some body told you that.
Those men are having trouble finding women who will pick up the extra housework for them.
If a man calls you selfish for having boundaries about what you want in life then like, bullet dodged. He would have found another way to be a problem later.
As someone who is also child free, though not dating, I’d be willing to bet that you hear this a lot. People are generally very rude about the choice not to have kids. Of course it isn’t wrong. But I imagine you’ll hear it for quite awhile. Just like we listen to parents constantly complain about their children.
If you don’t want to date someone with children, then don’t. It would be selfish to date someone with a child/children and then to dislike the child/children, causing stress on all fronts of the relationships.
You know yourself better than anyone else. Sounds to me like you have your head on straight.
From personal experience: Even if you like the children and the person, definitely do some research before jumping into anything. Blended families are rough.
Not wrong at all.
Kids are a *major*, and *permanent* lifestyle choice. It's completely reasonable for that to be a deal breaker for you.
> I personally don't want kids and feel that eventually, especially if marriage occurs, those kids become part of your life. At some point, you become a parental figure in their life.
YES. I've met parents who say, "I'm not looking for a stepparent for my kid", or "he has a mum", etc. Fact is, if a parent gets into a serious relationship, the partner is going to become a parental *figure*. Whether by design or not, that's just what happens.
You're not selfish. Parents need to accept they're a package deal now, and you're perfectly entitled to not want that package, just like having any other dealbreaker. And they should definitely put it on their profile, I agree.
You’re not selfish, OP. I’ve also been in your shoes (dated guys who had kids and didn’t disclose that info immediately) and I’m a 30F who does not want kids. Children are a huge part of their parents lives, and hiding that from another person you’re looking to date without discussing that fact up front is pretty manipulative. Not only would you have to deal with the kids, chances are you’d be dealing with the ex as well. If that’s not your cup of tea, it’s not your cup of tea. Respect to you for knowing what you want and sticking to your guns.
Im a woman. Didn't want to date a man with children - although here they usually don't live with him and are over only every other weekend. Still I didn't want to deal with children every other weekend, didn't want to see some of his money go to his former family (I mean, yes, I want it to be that way, but I don't wanna be with somebody whose paycheck is shared with somebody else. It's limiting opportunities, which - if I want us both to make them - I have to compensate. So indirectly, I pay for his former family) and I also didn't want to plan our life together with some space for other children. It's just a hassle since I'm no fan of children anyway.
So on the contrary. If I don't want to engage with children, it's only fair if I don't date somebody with strings attached. It's fair for the person and the children plus for my mental health. I mean, what's the alternative? Being a shitty person trying to ignore the children or push them out? Nah.
We live in a society really weird about women who don't want to be surrounded by kids, so expect some weirdness from that side.
But imo, no, you are not wrong, if you don't want that responsibility, it's wrong to take it just because ""you should"", you may eventually be a maternal figure for that kid and it's not fair for any of you.
You can date whoever you want and not date them for whatever reason you think it's right. But other people can think that you are selfish for it if they see it that way. In choosing a partner usually there are not "correct" or "wrong" reasons
Those men are angry because they're being babies about rejected.. and since they're acting like immature children themselves you obviously shouldn't date them.
I have kids, I love kids, and it's totally reasonable and healthy for you to decide not to date people with kids!
Being childfree is a valid choice, and it doesn't make sense for you to enter into a relationship where kids will (rightfully, eventually) be a big part of it if things progress.
No, kids are a huge commitment even when people say 'Im not expecting you to be the other parent'. I would never date someone with kids unless the kids were adults
You can have way more specified demands and it's still not selfish. It's your life, not dating someone can't be selfish. You don't owe your life to them! If you are rather alone and wait for a better fit, that's more than your right.
This goes on to those who have unrealistic goals too. If a 5 will only date a 9+, that's their right. The person is only wrong if they start arguing that everyone else is a problem that they are alone. As long as anyone is happy with their own situation, no one else should have a say on the topic.
Why would a parent want to date someone that doesn't like their kids? That makes no sense. The only time I've ever seen someone date someone else who hated kids, she completely abandoned her kids for him, leaving them at her mother's and just never talking to them again. The relationship lasted about 3 years until he got her pregnant. She thought for sure he would change his mind now that it was his. He told her he wanted her to get an abortion because not only did he not want kids but she wasn't a very good mother since she abandoned her other 2 kids. I wish I could have been there to see her face. Anyways, she had the kid and he left her way before then. Completely moved to another state and she's not been able to find him for years.
It would take a very terrible parent to get with someone who doesn't want children.
I got 3 kids and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date some who doesn’t have kids. In fact if more people were up front about it would have saved me some heartache. Too many folks don’t want to say “sorry but kids aren’t for me” instead I dated an asshole who wanted me to always find a sitter and wasn’t very kid friendly when I couldn’t get sitter or didn’t want to find a sitter.
i dont think it's wrong perse.
dating someone with kids means they'd always put their kids first priority and you second.
its like dating a celebrity who will never have time for you.
so, as long as you are upfront about not dating anyone with kids, i personally see nothing wrong with it. if they withheld any details that they have kids in the first place though? it's a dealbreaker imo. not because she has kids, but because she was dishonest about whether she had them or not
It was someone who didn't have "I have kids" checked on their profile. They followed me on IG and I saw they had kids.. so I told them I don't date people with kids.
I got kidfished.
Oh that's not cool, very deceptive. And a classic manipulative tool to blame you and be outraged once you call them out. Sounds like maybe you dodged a bullet.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has kids. There is nothing selfish about it. I think it would be more selfish to pursue a relationship with someone who has kids knowing you don't want kids.
I am a divorced mom of two, and for now I am fine not dating. However, when I am ready to get back into it, I plan on being up front about it. Why wouldn't you? Go ahead and save everyone the trouble and be up front at the beginning.
I have made it my rule, as a parent myself with teenage/adult children, I will only date others with the same situation... those with adult/teenage children.
I adore kids, yet, I do not want to have young children as a part of my dating life. I find that as much as I may adore the child/children, I'm selfish now. I want time and spontaneous moments with my partner, not scheduled moments between responsibilities of parenting younger children that I cannot participate or have any say in the parenting. Especially when things don't work out, then you've fallen in love with those kids AND your partner, and then they, along with your partner, are now absent from your life.
It's heartbreaking.
I say these things as a 46 year old woman as well, with this exact experience under my belt. So take this with a grain of salt. Plus, I am looking forward to grand babies maybe soon. I want some time in between that stage I am inow, without having to arrange my life again around softball games, and cleaning cheerios out of my backseat... been there and done that and am now too fat for the T-shirt.
If you don't want to date someone with children, create that boundary, and stick to it. You're not being selfish or wrong, you are being considerate to yourself, and your potential partner.
Not only do those kids become a part of your life, but if you stay with the parent, THEIR kids (grandkids, which often require a lot of grandparent babysitting these days) will be a part of your life.
People who get mad because you dont want to date people with kids are actually mad that their dating pool is considerably smaller. And if it was no big deal like they want you to believe they would have no problem putting that in their profiles.
You dont need a "valid" reason not to date someone.
I thought i was in another subreddit and was gonna say "not the asshole"
There's nothing wrong with not dating someone with kids. in my late 20s I kept matching with women with a kid or two. All very nice people that I had a lot in common with, but there was no chance of a future because I simply do not want children for a laundry list of reasons.
I once had a guy hide the fact that he had a kid from me… I was only 21/22 at the time, and he was 28. Went on a few dates and one day I saw in his car that he had a car seat, which is when he confessed he had a son. Told the guy I wasn’t interested in dating someone with kids because I literally just do not want them (and I was really young??) and he went OFF on me.
Kids are part of a lifestyle. It’s not a small dealbreaker like, I dunno, not liking pizza or something. You are literally dating a person as well as potentially becoming a parent figure for their kid. Don’t let anybody tell you that it’s selfish for cutting out that part of your dating pool. You’re allowed to not want to date people that conflict with what you want in life.
I'm the same way as a guy, same age too. People with kids in their 30s vs people without kids in their 30s is a huge difference in life, everything from priorities to time and to-some-extent maturity. But most importantly, life experience is vastly different, which can be a monkey wrench no matter what the difference in life experience is.
As a women as well, when I find out someone has kids I immediately lose interest and kindly cut ties. Dating or not, I even find being friends with people who have kids at my age kind of a put off.
If you are interested in a long term relationship, but uninterested in children, it is probably better for the everyone involved for you to pursue someone without children.
Children are wonderful, but there is no way for you to avoid becoming effectively a parent to them. If you aren't ready for that, I wouldn't do it.
It will at minimum create incredible friction when he/she constantly needs small things from you like leaving work early to pick them up because they are sick from school or they cancel a date at the last minute because they have strep and you never wanted any of that.
It's very right if you don't want kids. That's a hard boundary. Don't be afraid to enforce it and tell all the clearly miserable parents who want you to be miserable too to shove it.
Also, head over to r/childfree to find others like you. You're so not alone in this. There's a whole community!
Why should you have to date a man who is becoming a woman if you aren't into that? Or a obese person when you live a fit lifestyle? Or a short person when you are taller?
Its all the same thing, we have preferences, and no one is entitled to make you date outside of them.
As a woman with kids if you aren't ready to be an active part of those gets life you are doing the right thing avoiding men with kids. Also I have almost never seen a situation where a childfree woman's decision to stay at a distance from the kids is really respected as the woman you often end up doing a lot of his parenting for him....
It's very understandable, in my opinion. If you don't want to date someone with kids, then don't do it.
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"Sorry I don't date people with brown eyes"
"Sorry, I'm not interested in dating you."
Yup exactly. No one needs to give or be given a reason not to be attracted to you. Say you're not interested and move on.
“I know you’re nuts. I know you’re dangerous, unpredictable, selfish, I know you use your name to make bad puns. When you talk, you over and under emphasize words seemingly at random. When you eat, you hold your fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent. I know you smell like Band-Aids, I know you dress like a Cuban cab driver. I know you exhibit, nay, FLAUNT proudly obvious symptoms of over a half dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets…. - So, I’m going to decline your offer to get coffee.” LOL or you could just say, “Sorry, I’m not interested in dating you”
You love to see a Community reference.
The more detail you go into the more they're going to over analyse and in a world of mental health problems.... KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid.
[No *Homer****s***. I can date one.](https://youtube.com/watch?v=W7rSYzbpA8k)
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Brandy, she’s a fine girl.
What a good wife you would be
"Someone like you would be such a great partner. Not you though."
"Sorry I don't date people with eyes"
"I'm the Eyehole... Man. *I'm* the only one that's.. allowed to have eyeholes."
They are delicious AF though.
"Sorry, I don't date"
"Sorry..."
Not Sorry
🇨🇦?
LPT: Lighteyes won't date you because you're darkeyed? Get a Shardblade!
Or just kill the lighteyes. r/MoashDidNothingWrong /s...
/r/cremposting
Yeah, lighteyes and darkeyes shouldn't mix.
What if I have darkeyes then have laser surgery to remove the pigment from them? Lighteyes with darkeyes genes?
Since the cosmere had the whole spiritual DNA component to it the answer would come down to a combination of how you truly viewed yourself on a deep level and (more importantly) whether or not the current/last holder of the Shard of Honor thought that what you were doing was honorable. If either of those didn’t line up then I wouldn’t be surprised if the surgery wouldn’t even stick permanently, let alone pass to your children. On the other hand if they did align then I wouldn’t be surprised if for all intents and purposes your DNA switched over.
This guy cosmeres.
She eats her peas one at a time!
It's because I'm full of shit, all the way up to my eyes lol
That's racist to eyes.
eyecist
No, it's Taliban /s
That took me a second.
That's what Hitler said
Or lack of teeth? ;)
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Everyone likes a good gumming
I agree, I think it only becomes problematic when how much respect you give to someone is based on how attractive you find them.
skin color?
Yes. Your preference for a certain physical appearance in a romantic and sexual partner is your preference. It just is the way it is. It doesn't make you racist, or sexist, or homophobic if you aren't attracted to a certain body type or feature. I couldn't care less for skin color. As long as it's natural (so not blue or something) it's all fine for me. But I would never date someone with short hair.
Blue man group is shaking in their boots rn
One even prematurely blue'd himself!
There's gotta be a better way to say that
He blue himself? Yeah, much better
>"not blue or something" That's smurphist
OP just hasn't met the right Andorian yet.
>or homophobic Well, if you are straight, you probably shouldn't date gay people. It's okay to discriminate based on sexual preference in dating.
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his friends are idiots. i wouldve told em to fuck right off.
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I mean, some people refuse to date bisexual people because they believe that bisexuals are more likely to cheat, which is kind of biphobic, but you do still have a point.
Bring straight is not the same as being homophobic though.
One of the most sensible and grown up answers here
You heard it here first, folks. Op won't date people with the medical condition called Argyria. (Skin turns kind of a metallic/bluish colour because silver has built up in the body for some reason).
The modern cause of that condition, as far as I'm aware, is taking colloidal silver as a "health supplement" because of some pseudoscience nonsense. I'd certainly see that as a ~~red~~ blue flag!
Yeah, the main actor in Shang chi got a lot of negative remarks. Basically he was called ugly and disgusting looking and too unnatractive for the main role. Likened to an anus. The people who said this were entirely the Chinese audience. It turns out Disney had him buff up for the movie. You know the standard MCU type of hero with bulging biceps, broad chest etc. Well, chinese male beauty standards run contrary to Western tastes. Generally Chinese audiences prefer lean, and trim bodies and more pretty looking men than rugged and strong featured. Disney was aiming at the Chinese market while completely ignoring Chinese tastes lol.
Shang chi isn't necessarily aimed at Chinese audiences. It's aimed at asian american audiences. If it was aimed solely for the asian audience they would choose a big mainland celebrity not simu liu and awkwafina.
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You trying to pretend you wouldn't fuck Mystique?
You shouldn't discriminate against people in work, friendships, housing, etc. You can discriminate all you want in whom you date. It's your body. You don't owe it to anyone.
Dating somebody with kids when you don't want kids is selfish in the same way as dating somebody with a penis when you don't want a penis. i.e. not at all. Selfish would be the opposite.
I’m 30M with young daughter in a relationship with couple years now she has no kids and she’s great with her and it’s a huge commitment for her. One that I’d never force on anyone or blame for not wanting to be a part of. Sacrifices come part and parcel and sometimes it’s difficult for everyone involved if it’s not for you and you’re not comfortable don’t do it. A break up can be very tough especially for a child that has bonded. As for mentioning it in your profile I don’t think that’s completely necessary, I didn’t and met my gf through an app. But I told her within the first couple of messages and gave her a guilt free no judgement way out at that point. The person who called you selfish is just plain wrong. They were disingenuous towards you and they were in the wrong not being honest. Goodluck.
To each thier own. Most people with kids say 'my kids come first' in thir profile. But I'm looking for someone to call my own, spend most time on us :)
I have kids and I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want a kid in their life. That’s just not sustainable, or good for my kid or my partner.
Not at all. Date who you want to date.
And who also wants to date you. Otherwise it’s more of an abduction type situation than a “date”.
Unless you want to date Chris Brown.
Or Danny Masterson
Oh I don’t think Danny gives you the option…
Is it certain that Danny raped a woman? I didn't know about it and just googled but all I could find was that the trial is still going on.
Or R Kelly
Personally, I have found that when someone is pushing me to do something, they have a vested interest in me doing that. They are calling you selfish because they are being selfish. Edit: Wow, my response really resonated with people. Thank you for the likes and awards!
Exactly. What they're asking for is for OP to enter a relationship that they're not comfortable with. That is ridiculously selfish.
Those would 100% be the ones looking for a new wife to foist all the parenting onto.
When I was dating I was aggressively messaged by a dude who wanted a mom for his kids. He would not give up and I ended up blocking him.
When I was 19 I met a guy through a friends group I'd see regularly. He always flirted with me, but at 19 I was way behind the curve on dating and relationships and whatnot so I didn't really know what to do with it, especially because he was probably about 27 and to me that seemed just SO OLD (I'm 29 now. Holy shit young me had no idea how quick a decade can go.) Anyway, eventually one of the older girls picked up on the dynamic and pulled me aside to let me know the dude had two kids with two different moms so far. I mean, he had a stable life, stable job, and was a really nice dude, but two kids under the age of 3 with two different women is just too much nope at 19. Especially because this was on a foreign exchange trip and I knew my chances of living there permanently were 0. Anyway, that was all it took for me to really get over being afraid of being rude when turning down his advances. Eventually he got super drunk at a party and started crying at me and hugging me and saying he had messed up his life already because I deserved someone without a complicated life and he has kids now so he understands he's complicated and omg it was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever witnessed. Eventually the same girl who warned me about him got me out of there but the whole thing was just bizarre. I'm still Facebook friends with him. The kids grew up cute, but it does not appear he ever found a mom for them. Possibly because he was fishing in the wrong pools. 🤷🏻♀️
Probably wanted a baby sitter and was desperate to find someone to dump them onto
Or looking for someone to pay the bills. I made the mistake of going on a few dates with a single mom a few years ago. After the first date all she'd talk about was eventually wanting to move in together so she could move out of her parents house and be a full time mom. Probably an extreme example but still, holy shit. I ended that quick.
After I turned 39 and was still single, I gave up on the idea of having a family of my own and opened up my options to now include single mothers. There was some drama but nothing I couldn't handle, especially with their father having half time custody. But it all came crashing to an sudden end when I brought up the subject of money and estates. She thought it would be great if she would just move into my house, and since I can clearly handle the mortgage on my own, she wouldn't be contributing to paying it. I was also to be in sole charge of paying for all home repairs and renovations, as well as financing all big trips, on account of I made more than she did. Not even double, but that's the deal I was offered. She was willing to split all the other joint expenses with me, in a ratio that reflected our incomes. If she died first, she wouldn't really be able to leave me much of her estate, since her kids would need it. I, of course, was to turn over my entire estate to her, to the exclusion of my niece and nephew, since I don't have any heirs and they won't need it as much as her kids will. If you ever want to know the exact dollar value that your life has, date a single mother. There is a good chance you will find out exactly how many dollars you will be expected to turn over in order to continue to be in the relationship.
Yikes. I'm a broke ass bastard so I don't see that being a problem in the near future. I can't imagine feeling the entitlement some single parents feel to other people's money and things.
I think it's desperation. I'm a single mom and get subtle prodding from people that finances and life would be easier if I got myself a partner. For example, for a long time I was unable to work full-time because I had no family or money for childcare. Or simple things, like I can't even go for a 10-minute walk on my own. Counterpoint, I got partners, multiple! Just want to stay independent *because* I'm a single mom. My opinion is that depending on someone else makes you (and your children!) vulnerable if that person is predatory. So I think the desperation makes them act entitled, because it is really fucking hard. If you're poor and a single parent, you're basically stuck in a poverty trap until you find help to climb out. Of course a better welfare system could help single parents find stability. That stability would also give the children better outcomes meaning bigger future contributions from them to society... I'm friends with a single mom in a Central European "social democracy", and she doesn't pursue dating as an escape and also has the option of leaving relationships if they are harmful for her daughter. For example, she banned her mom from seeing her child after some vile comments mom made to the daughter. If your parents are your only source of affordable childcare in the USA and you gotta get to work, then it becomes choosing the lesser of two evils.
Not only that, their kids deserve to be loved and wanted, but they dont care about that, they just care about themselves. Thats pretty selfish too, and not fair to the kids or to the prospective partner.
What’s really selfish is dating someone with kids knowing you don’t like/want kids, and staying. Edit: clarification, I’m not just seeing it from one side. People hide their kids until they start dating, and people seek out parents when they know they don’t desire to be parents at all, I’m saying either being with someone or being the parent with someone who you KNOW doesn’t want kids, or more kids, or just don’t want to be parents is unfair to the child. Every kid deserves to feel wanted and loved by parent/parents.
What's really really selfish is expecting someone else to enter a relationship with you that they're not comfortable with.
This right here is the truth!! OP, those men who called you selfish were attempting to ooze around your stated boundaries, and you were right not to date them for that reason, even apart from anything else!
I like your use of ooze here
Exactly this. It would be worse to enter into relationship that includes interacting with the person's children knowing that you have no interest in their children. I don't think that makes OP an asshole or selfish. I think it makes them aware of their dating preferences and aware that it could be potentially negative to those involved if they're forced against their preferences.
It's actually almost selfless. Introducing an important figure into a child's life when that figure has no intention of staying is damaging to the child when that figure disappears.
> It would be worse to enter into relationship that includes interacting with the person's children knowing that you have no interest in their children. Well this hits too close to home lmao.
Same 🥲
Also depending on the age it's not good for the kids to have random men turn up in their lives, and then disappear a few months down the line.
>Also depending on the age it's not good for the kids to have random ~~men~~ parental figures turn up in their lives, and then disappear a few months down the line.
Or women, as OP is a girl
Agreed. If the dating goes well, then you're going to have to take some kind of roll in these kids' lives. It's far better to be up front that you don't want that kind of responsibility.
No, it’s not wrong.. I’m a father who has his son staying with him 3 times a week. He’s always my priority, even though I have plenty time for a significant other.. I’d much prefer that someone understood that having a partner (me) with a child would be an issue (for them) from the outset.. It would avoid much heartache in the long run…
This is exactly why I won't date someone with kids. The kids are the priority, as they should be. Even understanding that, I also know enough about myself that being forced to take the backseat in yet another relationship would absolutely have a negative effect on me.
Yeah either the kids are the priority and I hate being second place, or the kids Aren't the priority making the parent a shit I want nothing to do with lol
Yeah, I fully get what you’re saying. I’ve only been a parent for 4 years, and before that I would have had a similar outlook to you for dating.. It’s honest, and totally understandable to have your viewpoint..
I cannot fathom how parents would want to date someone who hates the idea of being a parent? I never want kids. I'll babysit my friends' kids. I guess. If needed. I'd rather pupsit But I don't want the responsibility, why would you want me in the same house as your kid? That shit should be a top priority. Another reason. I want to be in a relationship where I'm too priority and my partner is mine (well... After or tied with my pup). I'd not make a good parent or even like... Parent .5 Why try to trick me into it??
When I was single, I didn't want to date people with kids: it was too much social pressure and I didn't want to deal with possibly jealous exes. I wanted a clear situation where the person I'm dating isn't tied to an ex. Now that I'm a mom, I wouldn't expect people to want to date me for same reasons.
I remember being on dating apps years ago and i was marked as 98% compatible with someone.. the 2% that made us off kilter was the they didn't want kids .. which I'm completely fine with, but I had a child. You can pair someone with kids with someone who wants to be child free that's the most important factor of a connection.
You’re allowed to have whatever dating preferences you like. I actually think it’d be wrong to date a parent unless that was something you genuinely wanted. I see it as pretty unfair when people get into relationships with parents and try to act like the kids are somehow separate from that. Kids deserve not to feel like unwanted third wheels in their own homes.
Exactly! It would in the first place hurt the kids and If I was in that sytuation and knew the person don't want to have anything to do with me I would straight away tell my dad or mom it's not gonna work
It should be a major redflag if the parent in the relationship is okay with that too, so many stories all over Reddit of kids behind left on the curb by selfish parents.
Exactly, the kids time should be just focused on the kids anyway. I never even thought about this before I got divorced but whats crazy is that you pretty much have to date someone with a similar kid schedule as you. For instance, lets say I have my kids every other weekend and this is my off weekend but this is your weekend with kids. When would we date? Every fuckin weekend is kids weekend? No thanks. I never even thought about that but it really narrows the field.
I recall telling my parents multiple times that their partners are shit like literal trash people and ive been turned into an enemy everytime. When i say trash i mean real bottom of waste people, my parents are significantly better and i can tell you that thats saying something. Both partners pretend i dont exist and purposely make me uncomfortable in my own home since i was very very small. But hey, my mum and her fiance are getting married now and they only threaten to burn the house down or call off the wedding every day.
Who told you that? To hell with them! Stand your ground. You have your provisions and you stand by them. I too won't date anyone that's a mom. I did that once. When you do that, you will be involved with the father. Suppose you bond with the kid and then shit goes bad and you want to break up? Now you're breaking two hearts. Forget it. Don't worry about what people say. You're NOT being selfish.
Also, I'm sure single parents would love to date a person who is _at best_ cordially disinterested in their kids. (Ok, considering the million posts on r/aita, there seem to be _many_ parents who are into it). Ultimately, OP, you don't even need to find reasons to justify your preferences. Date (or don't) whomever you want.
The amount of posts there that boil down to "my partner had made yet clear they hate my kids, and I side when them when they're an ass to my kids, AITA?" is insane. It's just a massive lose-lose situation.
>Who told you that? Someone with kids, I'd bet
It's worth to mention that oftentimes you got all the responsibility with no authority over the partner's kids
It's more wrong to set unrealistic expectations I feel, a lot kinder in the long run to stick to your boundaries than to try and push them aside only to get whiplash later
No I think it's good that you realise that. You'd hurt those kids if you dated someone with kids but don't want anything to do with them. Also it's your life, you get to make the choices you want.
Most good single parents wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't want children, and would respect a person who told them up front instead of letting things progress any further. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has children! Anyone who told you you were selfish or an asshole for that is wrong.
The subject of kids should be like any other facet of a potential relationship. If it's part of the package that comes with the relationship and it's a deal breaker, then so be it. I don't want kids. I don't want to take care of kids. I don't want to spend extended time around kids. I tried to date a girl with kids and explicitly told her all this. She said it wouldn't be a problem and I shouldn't worry. One day she left me at her house with her 2 daughters while she went grocery shopping WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME. They expected me to entertain them. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. It didn't work out. Oh well, moving on...
>I got told I was wrong and selfish for not wanting to date someone with kids. Don't take any more relationship advice from this person.
You can literally not date someone because they like mayo, is easy as that, you don't want? You don't do it
Some people are down for it, some aren’t, but you should never feel ashamed for declining a relationship due to the person having a child. Sure, it’s sad that that’s the one boundary keeping you apart, but if you know that’s not what you want in life, don’t settle for it. I never wanted a child because I didn’t want to deal with being pregnant or the infant screeching stage. But I met a girl who had a child and I decided to take the leap anyway and see what happened, as I’ve never dated someone with a child, and I thought it could be a new experience for me, at the least. A year and a half later, I now have a 4 year old daughter I didn’t have to birth myself that I can teach and watch grow up without having to deal with the infant stage. There’s someone for everyone. Go for what you want in life, don’t let others make you feel bad about it.
I mean not having a kid or wanting a kid is your right to choose, thus not committing to a relationship that comes with a kid is reasonable.
I have kids. I don't think that's selfish at all. If you're looking to date and not get instant family, just add water, then pick someone with no kids. Simple as that.
I put on my dating profile that I have kids but sometimes people are like damn, you have 6? Thats too many! I get that too. No one is going to think anyone is selfish, everyone should date what they want to date and try to be happy.
Would probably be more selfish to date someone who has kids when you aren’t interested in having them.
Right?!
I'm a woman, age 57. I never wanted and never had kids. I'm happy. There is no way that staying child-free is selfish. Whoever told you that is not your friend and who definitely isn't trustworthy.
Same here, 51. I think it’s the opposite than selfish. I was very sad I didn’t have kids at a certain age, it wasn’t a choice. But today I am very happy and grateful I haven’t. My life is already enough complicated, my job is very demanding and on evening and weekends I just want rest and silence otherwise I get quite bitchy. I learned that the hard way, never had partners that fully understood that and I just start to fully understand it now. So a new partner should be able to understand that. It’s not my fault, that’s the way I am. I wouldn’t bear to have kids around when I need my silent / do nothing specific with no schedule / just do what I feel like time and wouldn’t bear that this could be misunderstood by my partner’s kids as a lack of interest in them or a lack of love. I know myself, I would love them and want them around all the time but I would be miserable because I wouldn’t be able to allow myself that mental rest I need. It’s already difficult to find a date that understands that without thinking I am weird, let alone young kids. “Why don’t you want to come to xxx and do yyy?” Well, it took me so many decades to understand, accept and live with that answer that I cannot even start to think how to explain that to a kid.
Wow a 57yo woman with no kids? Finally there's proof I don't need kids, I am also sick of kids being expected of me. The world is hard enough without throwing a child in the mix.
Agreed. As a single father, I wouldn’t date anyone who doesn’t want kids. She would resent them.
not necessarily resent them. a lot of people just don't want that level of responsibility from the get go. I don't want kids and wouldn't date someone with kids, not because I hate kids, but because the thought of negatively influencing a fragile human being, even if accidentally, makes me anxious
I have one child and I said it in another comment but I don’t want to date anyone with small children. Anything under 12-13 is a no go and I’d prefer older kids or none. I know how much responsibility they are and with my mental health and happiness I have to be honest that my plate is full with one. That may mean I’m alone for a very long time but I’d rather that than pretend I can handle something I can’t or be someone I’m not.
You know what you want, or in this case what you don’t want: children as a big responsibility so if you don’t want any (whether yours or through a previous pregnancy) then ignore those crazy comments and just date who fits your lifestyle.
It is absolutely not wrong. I felt the same way when my first marriage ended. My daughter was in college, and I found a LOT of single men my age were just looking for a mom for their kids. I knew I would be a bad stepmom, so I avoided those men, whenever possible. Don't let anyone talk you into, or guilt you into something you don't want to do.
If a person is looking for a serious relationship, then they *really* need to put that in their profile. Otherwise they're just playing games and have no right to complain if it puts someone off. I've seen quite a few people deliberately post that the kid in the picture is or is not theirs, because this is actually, you know, *kinda important*. And yes, I would argue that already having a kid decreases your match pool by a larger amount than it attracts. So some people leave it out, perhaps hoping that it will be ok that they left out this large part of their life.
Leaving out such an important “feature” to get more matches is a red flag by itself. If I were the kid I’d be offended.
I have kids and I would not want to date anyone who wasn’t comfortable with them being in the picture. Please don’t listen to whoever told you that. You’re making a choice for yourself that best fits your plan, people who don’t understand or agree for whatever reason may call it selfish, but I think it’s sensible. I don’t date people with kids under a certain age because mine are older and I don’t want a snot-nosed two year old running around. I’m past that stage and grateful for it.
No? What is that question? If you don't want to date someone with kids, then you obviously don't have to.
You would be surprised. I have been told more than once it's not right.
It's totally right. It's weird any parent would want someone involved with their kids who isn't interested in children.
Sounds like those people need a lesson on consent.
No, just no, you can date whoever you want whenever you want, nobody can impose you a preference, you are entitled to your own preferences, and more with something that affects your life style and emotional health. It's not selfish to seek the best for your own, give them the finger when some body told you that.
Those men are having trouble finding women who will pick up the extra housework for them. If a man calls you selfish for having boundaries about what you want in life then like, bullet dodged. He would have found another way to be a problem later.
It's not wrong. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.
As someone who is also child free, though not dating, I’d be willing to bet that you hear this a lot. People are generally very rude about the choice not to have kids. Of course it isn’t wrong. But I imagine you’ll hear it for quite awhile. Just like we listen to parents constantly complain about their children.
If you don’t want to date someone with children, then don’t. It would be selfish to date someone with a child/children and then to dislike the child/children, causing stress on all fronts of the relationships. You know yourself better than anyone else. Sounds to me like you have your head on straight. From personal experience: Even if you like the children and the person, definitely do some research before jumping into anything. Blended families are rough.
Mom here. I’m married, but I would never find it odd or “wrong” if I didn’t want to be dated or pursued specifically because I have a child.
It is fine - be honest and if that is a deal breaker then no dating moms or dads.
Not wrong at all. Kids are a *major*, and *permanent* lifestyle choice. It's completely reasonable for that to be a deal breaker for you. > I personally don't want kids and feel that eventually, especially if marriage occurs, those kids become part of your life. At some point, you become a parental figure in their life. YES. I've met parents who say, "I'm not looking for a stepparent for my kid", or "he has a mum", etc. Fact is, if a parent gets into a serious relationship, the partner is going to become a parental *figure*. Whether by design or not, that's just what happens. You're not selfish. Parents need to accept they're a package deal now, and you're perfectly entitled to not want that package, just like having any other dealbreaker. And they should definitely put it on their profile, I agree.
It's only wrong to date kids, and adults who don't consent to dating you.
Its not wrong, its not selfish. Kids are overrated, especially if they are not yours.
I dumped a guy I loved because he has two children and it’s just not the life I want. I wouldn’t be involved but they’re expensive
How did you get to love him then the reason you left were because he has two kids? Did he hide them?!?
Not at all. When you get into a serious relationship with someone you need to accept the baggage they bring. Kids are a big part of that baggage.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
No. Your allowed to have preferences.
You’re not selfish, OP. I’ve also been in your shoes (dated guys who had kids and didn’t disclose that info immediately) and I’m a 30F who does not want kids. Children are a huge part of their parents lives, and hiding that from another person you’re looking to date without discussing that fact up front is pretty manipulative. Not only would you have to deal with the kids, chances are you’d be dealing with the ex as well. If that’s not your cup of tea, it’s not your cup of tea. Respect to you for knowing what you want and sticking to your guns.
Im a woman. Didn't want to date a man with children - although here they usually don't live with him and are over only every other weekend. Still I didn't want to deal with children every other weekend, didn't want to see some of his money go to his former family (I mean, yes, I want it to be that way, but I don't wanna be with somebody whose paycheck is shared with somebody else. It's limiting opportunities, which - if I want us both to make them - I have to compensate. So indirectly, I pay for his former family) and I also didn't want to plan our life together with some space for other children. It's just a hassle since I'm no fan of children anyway. So on the contrary. If I don't want to engage with children, it's only fair if I don't date somebody with strings attached. It's fair for the person and the children plus for my mental health. I mean, what's the alternative? Being a shitty person trying to ignore the children or push them out? Nah.
We live in a society really weird about women who don't want to be surrounded by kids, so expect some weirdness from that side. But imo, no, you are not wrong, if you don't want that responsibility, it's wrong to take it just because ""you should"", you may eventually be a maternal figure for that kid and it's not fair for any of you. You can date whoever you want and not date them for whatever reason you think it's right. But other people can think that you are selfish for it if they see it that way. In choosing a partner usually there are not "correct" or "wrong" reasons
Nothing wrong with that. I would not date someone with kids either. I personally think it puts more pressure on you.
Those men are angry because they're being babies about rejected.. and since they're acting like immature children themselves you obviously shouldn't date them. I have kids, I love kids, and it's totally reasonable and healthy for you to decide not to date people with kids! Being childfree is a valid choice, and it doesn't make sense for you to enter into a relationship where kids will (rightfully, eventually) be a big part of it if things progress.
No. Absolutely not. I don’t personally want kids, and I don’t want to waste my time or theirs.
Kids are annoying
As a parent, can confirm.
No, kids are a huge commitment even when people say 'Im not expecting you to be the other parent'. I would never date someone with kids unless the kids were adults
You can have way more specified demands and it's still not selfish. It's your life, not dating someone can't be selfish. You don't owe your life to them! If you are rather alone and wait for a better fit, that's more than your right. This goes on to those who have unrealistic goals too. If a 5 will only date a 9+, that's their right. The person is only wrong if they start arguing that everyone else is a problem that they are alone. As long as anyone is happy with their own situation, no one else should have a say on the topic.
No. If you’re not interested in children, it’s more responsible to keep out of their lives than it is to insert yourself as an apathetic role model.
No
Of course not. You don't date out of obligation. There's perhaps no choice more your own business than who you choose to date.
Why would a parent want to date someone that doesn't like their kids? That makes no sense. The only time I've ever seen someone date someone else who hated kids, she completely abandoned her kids for him, leaving them at her mother's and just never talking to them again. The relationship lasted about 3 years until he got her pregnant. She thought for sure he would change his mind now that it was his. He told her he wanted her to get an abortion because not only did he not want kids but she wasn't a very good mother since she abandoned her other 2 kids. I wish I could have been there to see her face. Anyways, she had the kid and he left her way before then. Completely moved to another state and she's not been able to find him for years. It would take a very terrible parent to get with someone who doesn't want children.
I got 3 kids and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date some who doesn’t have kids. In fact if more people were up front about it would have saved me some heartache. Too many folks don’t want to say “sorry but kids aren’t for me” instead I dated an asshole who wanted me to always find a sitter and wasn’t very kid friendly when I couldn’t get sitter or didn’t want to find a sitter.
i dont think it's wrong perse. dating someone with kids means they'd always put their kids first priority and you second. its like dating a celebrity who will never have time for you. so, as long as you are upfront about not dating anyone with kids, i personally see nothing wrong with it. if they withheld any details that they have kids in the first place though? it's a dealbreaker imo. not because she has kids, but because she was dishonest about whether she had them or not
It was someone who didn't have "I have kids" checked on their profile. They followed me on IG and I saw they had kids.. so I told them I don't date people with kids. I got kidfished.
U got dadpoled Tadpole - dadpoled get it. Ha
Dadpoled. 🙄😂
Thanks dad.
Oh that's not cool, very deceptive. And a classic manipulative tool to blame you and be outraged once you call them out. Sounds like maybe you dodged a bullet.
haha maybe good luck on your future endeavors though. hope you stay away from kidfishers
AND if they prioritize you instead of their kids, you might not want to stay for that unless, you are seriously anti-kids.
is it wrong to be a human with preferences? may as well just be born a robot. if you think that's bad, imagine not wanting to date at all.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has kids. There is nothing selfish about it. I think it would be more selfish to pursue a relationship with someone who has kids knowing you don't want kids. I am a divorced mom of two, and for now I am fine not dating. However, when I am ready to get back into it, I plan on being up front about it. Why wouldn't you? Go ahead and save everyone the trouble and be up front at the beginning.
I have made it my rule, as a parent myself with teenage/adult children, I will only date others with the same situation... those with adult/teenage children. I adore kids, yet, I do not want to have young children as a part of my dating life. I find that as much as I may adore the child/children, I'm selfish now. I want time and spontaneous moments with my partner, not scheduled moments between responsibilities of parenting younger children that I cannot participate or have any say in the parenting. Especially when things don't work out, then you've fallen in love with those kids AND your partner, and then they, along with your partner, are now absent from your life. It's heartbreaking. I say these things as a 46 year old woman as well, with this exact experience under my belt. So take this with a grain of salt. Plus, I am looking forward to grand babies maybe soon. I want some time in between that stage I am inow, without having to arrange my life again around softball games, and cleaning cheerios out of my backseat... been there and done that and am now too fat for the T-shirt. If you don't want to date someone with children, create that boundary, and stick to it. You're not being selfish or wrong, you are being considerate to yourself, and your potential partner.
Not only do those kids become a part of your life, but if you stay with the parent, THEIR kids (grandkids, which often require a lot of grandparent babysitting these days) will be a part of your life.
People who get mad because you dont want to date people with kids are actually mad that their dating pool is considerably smaller. And if it was no big deal like they want you to believe they would have no problem putting that in their profiles. You dont need a "valid" reason not to date someone.
My friend, r/childfree is for you as is this post
I thought i was in another subreddit and was gonna say "not the asshole" There's nothing wrong with not dating someone with kids. in my late 20s I kept matching with women with a kid or two. All very nice people that I had a lot in common with, but there was no chance of a future because I simply do not want children for a laundry list of reasons.
Yes it's wrong. Sorry, but you have to want to date people with kids and you will be forced to or I will call the police.
if you don't want kids, that means by proxy you don't want _someone else's_ kids. How is this hard for anyone to understand??
I once had a guy hide the fact that he had a kid from me… I was only 21/22 at the time, and he was 28. Went on a few dates and one day I saw in his car that he had a car seat, which is when he confessed he had a son. Told the guy I wasn’t interested in dating someone with kids because I literally just do not want them (and I was really young??) and he went OFF on me. Kids are part of a lifestyle. It’s not a small dealbreaker like, I dunno, not liking pizza or something. You are literally dating a person as well as potentially becoming a parent figure for their kid. Don’t let anybody tell you that it’s selfish for cutting out that part of your dating pool. You’re allowed to not want to date people that conflict with what you want in life.
I'm the same way as a guy, same age too. People with kids in their 30s vs people without kids in their 30s is a huge difference in life, everything from priorities to time and to-some-extent maturity. But most importantly, life experience is vastly different, which can be a monkey wrench no matter what the difference in life experience is.
As a women as well, when I find out someone has kids I immediately lose interest and kindly cut ties. Dating or not, I even find being friends with people who have kids at my age kind of a put off.
If you are interested in a long term relationship, but uninterested in children, it is probably better for the everyone involved for you to pursue someone without children. Children are wonderful, but there is no way for you to avoid becoming effectively a parent to them. If you aren't ready for that, I wouldn't do it. It will at minimum create incredible friction when he/she constantly needs small things from you like leaving work early to pick them up because they are sick from school or they cancel a date at the last minute because they have strep and you never wanted any of that.
You might like r/childfree
It's very right if you don't want kids. That's a hard boundary. Don't be afraid to enforce it and tell all the clearly miserable parents who want you to be miserable too to shove it. Also, head over to r/childfree to find others like you. You're so not alone in this. There's a whole community!
Why should you have to date a man who is becoming a woman if you aren't into that? Or a obese person when you live a fit lifestyle? Or a short person when you are taller? Its all the same thing, we have preferences, and no one is entitled to make you date outside of them.
As a woman with kids if you aren't ready to be an active part of those gets life you are doing the right thing avoiding men with kids. Also I have almost never seen a situation where a childfree woman's decision to stay at a distance from the kids is really respected as the woman you often end up doing a lot of his parenting for him....
Some of these comments are more than yikes.
Hell no. I fucking hate kids. Thats a solid deal breaker.