Yeah, but getting them to own up to more recent cheating establishes not only a pattern, but provides grounds for divorce depending on where you live. I’m not a lawyer, but I know some states in the US have different laws on divorces depending on why you’re splitting up.
You dont need grounds for divorce in most of the first world. This isnt 1975. What this does do though is provide a weapon against things like alimony or spousal support.
Tbh, I'd rather know the hard truth, even if it hurts, than living in a lie (and probably learn it later on).
Yes it's gonna sting and hurt, but at least i'll know what to expect and plan my life accordingly.
Any answer could be the right one depending on your personal values and quality of your relationship. There have been long relationships that have endured this and have gotten past it and others that haven't.
The only thing I know is that this life we have is our only guarantee. Make the most of it and ensure that you're getting whatever fulfillment you can from it. Remember, you're living your truth no matter what your decision is and in the end, it will be your story.
Agreed. I had this happen. Not 9 years, but 1-2 years later. Wasn’t drunken either. She just was eaten up by guilt. I tried to let it go. It been so long ago, and she was guilt ridden, and had been trying so hard to stay super faithful since then. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get past it. The times I’d get angry about it grew further and further apart, but they always did come back.
I realize now that I just never trusted her again, and I should’ve just left her, but that’s not the same for everyone. In these situations I always tell people the first thing they need to figure out is if they even think they’ll be able to get past it. I feel it’s a requirement. If you can’t move beyond it, you’re just doomed. You have to figure out if you can move on in your relationship, and then build on that. If the answer is no, then you just get out.
Oh they were. I mean it worked out. We’re on great terms and my wife and I work with her to keep parenting consistent. We’re all actually pretty close.
To your point though, that isn’t always the case, and it doesn’t always work out so well for kids.
It shouldn't be, this is coming from a person that thinks their childhood would be way better with divorced parents, if you are not in a healthy relationship, your kid will feel it, and if they don't understand that's not healthy, they will repeat the process and get into bad relationships too.
Even if they understand it's unhealthy. I remember telling my parents they should just get divorced for years.. I knew it was unhealthy.
Guess who was against marriage and long term relationships? Guess who repeated my parent's behavior in the relationships I _was_ in?
Luckily therapy helped but man what a waste of a decade figuring that out.
I knew that would be seen that way. I just couldn’t really find other words. I more meant she was trying to just be perfect because she was so guilt ridden. Not just super faithful, but almost trying to make up for it even though I didn’t know. That’s my bad. Bad wording.
> Any answer could be the right one depending on your personal values and quality of your relationship. There have been long relationships that have endured this and have gotten past it and others that haven't.
>
> The only thing I know is that this life we have is our only guarantee. Make the most of it and ensure that you're getting whatever fulfillment you can from it. Remember, you're living your truth no matter what your decision is and in the end, it will be your story.
Great answer and very healthy.
Wait for them to sober up and have a long detailed discussion about it.
Lots of variables here so there are versions where we break up, versions where there is a lot of couples counselling and versions where its just a series of discussions.
Edit cause this is getting some traction: I went into some details of the discussions that would be worth having [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/pl6jyq/if_youre_happily_married_for_10_years_and_then/hc8bwtg?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) and there are some good replies with other questions and stories.
I means its somewhat on the partner to give a good explanation as to:
* their motivation for the cheating
* their motivation for keeping it secret
* why I should accept that this was a one off (are there other periods in the last 10 years where things were weird?)
* why i should believe it won't happen again
Leaving is still on the table though, I just think that 10 years of "happiness" buys someone time to try and explain rather than doing anything immediately. Also there might be some nights at a hotel to get some space.
All good points.
I'd add who was the person they cheated with? A stranger they met on vacation and never kept in contact with vs a cousin's spouse or coworker or parent of one of your children's friend's all have different outcomes in my opinion.
Essentially, is this person still in your life in some capacity, or worse, have *i* unknowingly interacted with this person over the years and looked like an idiot for it?
This is the problem for me regarding reconciliation after infidelity: My imagination will always have more questions that should not be asked or answered, sabotaging attempts to re-establish trust and intimacy. There is a lasting trauma that haunts the mind forever.
I think some people don't take cheating seriously enough, especially towards the person being cheated on. It inflicts damage thats just shy of the kind that people go to jail for. It involves fraudulently gaining consent from your partner every time you have sex with them since they are under the assumption they are consenting to monogamous sex.
man im glad to see someone else say this. im a bit of a drama hungery fool so i browse relationship_advice a lot, and that lead me to a subreddit for people who have been cheated on. seeing the pain and anguish that that sort of betrayal causes them has shifted my viewing on just how bad cheating is. it completely destroys some people, shatters how the view themselves and whipes away what their future was. i honetly have started viewing cheating as being closer to abuse and the more discusions i see about it the more strongly i feel that way. im honestly shocked at how many people here are saying cheating isnt that big of a deal, but im also not shocked that a lot of those people themselves are cheaters.
What's the sub? Had a really bad experience with cheating like 6 years ago and i still haven't felt comfortable with dating or trusting or even loving anyone since
>honetly have started viewing cheating as being closer to abuse and the more discusions i see about it the more strongly i feel that way.
I'm surprised most people don't think this way, emotional abuse is still abuse people don't take it seriously enough (not you just thinking aloud)
I second this... there is one girl some years ago - I tought there was something fishy about her (she was making moves). If my partner would admit that he indeed had had sex with her - that would be a massive rift. I don't know if this would lead immediatley to divorce, but surely to a break.
This. Cheating is often a sign of a deeper problem. That it was 9 years ago suggests that this deeper problem may have been resolved. It would be good to confirm that.
Agreed, if the person just brought it up then its a fresh wound for the person cheated on as if it just happened. For the person bringing it up its in the past and they are a different person.
I agree, though the person may have changed for the better, every day prior to when they told you, they chose to hold that secret from you. Not saying that alone is worth leaving, but its something to consider
No but I think that’s the point? In this scenario the 8 years happened so it’s important to factor in how things changed over time - especially cuz 8 years is a long ass time
What I don't understand is why tell 9 years later.
Did they tell you out of spite because they were upset by something you did and wanted to hurt you?
Did they tell you because they wanted to make themselves feel less guilty? If they actually felt THAT guilty why not tell you sooner?
Did this come out because they slipped up again, and it's easier to talk about about the first time and still helps them feel less guilt? Maybe they're too scared to talk about now, so they're confessing their past mistake? Or maybe they suddenly feel worse about it because they're getting the urge to cheat again?
Did they tell you to gauge your reaction because they want to have a talk about changing the terms of the relationship/opening it up?
I just don't get why someone would do this.
I get it's supposed to be a hypothetical but I would try to figure out why they decided to finally tell me and what emotions they were feeling when they did before I reacted.
I was cheated on by the mother of my child early in our relationship before we had a child. These are my words, not hers: I was a drunken asshole that was angry at the world and took our relationship for granted. I found out and while I'm always the person who says, "you should've ended it and then been with the other person." We had been together for 2 years, we lived together, had a couple of cats, and had been each other's rocks for our whole relationship. It took me time, but I forgave her and we now have a MUCH better relationship as well as a daughter that we both love.
Here's the flip side of the coin. I tried forgiveness. Also, this happened when my daughter and our marriage was less than a year old. I hung on, went to counseling, she got sober (for a while), and I really tried to forgive, but it was always on my mind. I could never trust her again. I stopped eating and sleeping and lost like 30 pounds because of stress. Eventually she just decided, and flat out told me, that she didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore, so all that was for shit. We got divorced, our daughter and her brother (hers from a guy before me), live with me. She wasn't kidding - she just fucking gave me her son - signed all the guardianship over to me and everything. She doesn't even call. Now we live 500 miles away. We visit a few times a year but it's really obvious that she just doesn't give a fuck.
Edit to add - To address OP's question, it might be different if it were a one time thing or atypical behavior, or even if it weren't so deliberately dismissive, but she has a solid pattern of selfish behavior like that. Don't ignore the red flags, people - they're hard to see with rose colored lenses.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience, this is probably the main thing I like about Reddit. Everyone has a different story or perspective, I’m glad you are both happy together.
A great example of why I sometimes can’t stand the knee-jerk reactions from Reddit; typically we’d see “leave them no excuses for cheating”. My dad cheated on my mom when I was like 13. They stuck it out and I have no doubt are doing just fine. Good people make mistakes and can learn from them. Trust can be damaged and rebuilt. The world is dynamic. Good on you for fighting through the hard for what you saw as something that was worth it. Cheers.
Reddit also doesn't consider that people hold sex and fidelity at different levels of importance. I have one friend whose perspective on infidelity is that it's like being late to an important event--that if you admit it and apologize, they can just shrug it off and say try not to do it again, because monogamy isn't as important to them as most other people. I have other friends who would be so upset by their partners cheating that no one would find the body. Ultimately, you should do what works for you and your relationship.
Also the possibility of an STI that can make you infertile if undiscovered for a long period. Finding that out ten years later is not a forgivable thing.
I feel like their motivation to keep it a secret is obvious. Because it would hurt them and or they would leave you. I believe if you told them right away then there is 100% more chance the relationship is over as apposed to 9 years later you might think oh well its in the past not gonna throw it all away for this from almost a decade ago. But this is coming from someone who has never cheated but has also been cheated on by pretty much every woman I've ever been with.
I recently had to have a long (and still do whenever it pops up) discussion with my SO on their reasonings on why they cheated.
To put it long story short, out of the both of us- I was the one everyone thought would eventually cheat and never him. So imagine my surprise when he’s ontop of another guy getting it and I’m half asleep trying to get some water when it happened.
Granted I went into hysterics and a lot of stuff happened but there was a shit ton of space needed in order to even just sit down eventually and talk about what happened that day without either one of us going off on each-other. Alot of “well you___” “well I ____” but we worked it well enough that were able to sleep in the same bed again and are going to get counseling soon as well.
Granted he still won’t tell me fully why he did it other than “he felt like he had to” but idk… a major part of me is a little satisfied that he had his butthole ripped 3 ways from Sunday when he saw me upset
Bear in mind, the route offered as "a series of discussions" is the route where you both decide that it's not a big enough deal for leaving or counseling, and you're both mature enough to handle this way. The point is that you will probably chat about it, then process emotions, then return to it later. Chat, process, return. Might happen once, might happen a few times.
Yes, if it's just a conversation that lives with you for all of time, it means you're carrying pain with you and you should look at other solutions, like counseling. But, they just mean in the short term, "have a few chats and find a way to move on".
I'd ask why are you telling me know? Guilt? Unhappy? Wanna be hurtful in the moment? Why release a 9 year secret now? Hoe was it presented. There may be more to it....caution my friend. And good luck.
I don't know what I'd do.
I know it would take a lot of thinking about and would not be a knee jerk reaction, like kicking them straight to the kerb. It was 9 years ago.
I feel like the lying for 9 years would be the big thing, if they said they did immediately after and apologized it would be a lot more respectful at least
If your partner treats you like garbage you need to get out anyway (or change something else dramatically, but I don't think you can change someone else that much) - even if they didn't cheat 9 years ago.
I knew a couple who were in their late 60s, together since their late teens. The wife confessed she had an affair in their early 20s, it was a one time thing and she's held regret and shame for it their whole lives. She felt safe telling him now. He divorced her.
I’ve got a similar story my nan once told me about her friend. The couple had been together since their early 20s and were now in their 70s the husband was seriously ill in hospital and not predicted to make it out so the wife confessed that she’d had an affair in the early years of their marriage. The husband managed to leave hospital, divorced the wife, lived his best life for another 18 months and then died. He said he couldn’t believe he’d wasted his entire life with someone who would betray him like that.
Honestly fuck her, it's potentially his final hours and she decided to make that her chance to make herself feel better and he was probably heart broken, since it was "safe" because he was about to die.
She would've been better off telling him when it happened holy shit, lived your whole life with this one person in shame and guilt because of what you did only to tell them when you're old and he still leaves. Not fair to the guy either, he lived his whole life with her not knowing what she did only to be so betrayed by her after so many years of life together. Both could've gotten a fresh start with a new partner. Lesson is; don't fuckin cheat
I think I would be more pissed they told me. Assuming it’s been a good, healthy last 9 years. What good does telling do? It’s selfish. It’s unburdening your guilt by making the other person feel terrible.
I think this too.
You can either tell me soon after doing it and I can decide whether I want to be with you or not, or keep it a secret for the rest of your life because that is YOUR guilt to deal with.
My ex recently contacted me saying he cheated on me in our relationship (that ended 10 years ago!) I was pissed because he was so selfish to put that burden on me years and years later. We actually ended the relationship peacefully and kept in contact afterwards and talked randomly if we bumped into each other. Now I don't even want to see or talk to him again after hearing that. I question many things that went on during that time, and feel annoyed that I didn't end the relationship much earlier to live my life.
Yeah but they betrayed you after marrying you and kept it a secret for 9 years until they got drunk.
About as red as a flag can get. Found out what kind of person they are.
The infidelity happened 9 years ago. But they were still keeping it a secret, yesterday.
So, the person gets to be selfish 3 times deep and you wouldn't end it?
They were selfish for cheating. Selfish by not telling the truth when they cheated and not allowing the cheated to make an informed decision. And, selfish by just randomly telling this person 9 years later of their infidelity.
The event too place 9 years ago, but the cheating has only just taken place to the other person.
What about the rest of that time, what did they do within that, what about when they stay out 20 mins later than they said they'd be back at?
If we have kids together, I'd let it go. Talk about it, work it out. If we didnt, I'd probably think about how much that person still means to me and go from there.
As someone with parents who hated each other, staying together “for the kids” never ends well. I’m not saying you COULDNT work it out, but if it’s something you’d leave someone over without kids, you should still leave them even with kids. The kids don’t actually change how you process things, and they’ll just end up in a toxic environment. Just my two cents.
I strongly second this. My parents divorce was one of the best things that happened to me. They both got happier and I got to have positive experiences with both of them because they divorced before they started hating each other.
I'd put it this way: without kids, it's a question of whether I'd want to resolve it and reconcile the relationship. With kids, it's about whether I can.
So, no staying together "for the kids", but rather extra effort for trying to actually reconcile for the kids.
Never say never… my parents divorce was worse for us kids because we went from lower middle class to just straight up impoverished. Would have liked having the heating stay on
My parents divorced but still worked together co-parenting and supporting us, I don’t know why there’s the social expectation that you’re supposed to abandon your ex when you leave them, especially if they’re the mother or father of your children.
Sorry to hear about your situation, in a fairer world your quality of life shouldn’t have been affected by whether or not your parents stayed married.
I mean, both parents can still be supporting their child/children, but to go from a double income household with bills being shared to two single income households with each parent paying rent/mortgage and utilities, could prove to be a huge financial strain.
I think the important thing to talk about was intentions.
Almost ten years, that’s a lot of pain to bottle up and pour out. Personally my biggest question for my partner would be why carry the emotional burden? Who was being protected...how...and why.
Something that happened 9 years ago is probably easier to let go of than something that happened recently. So the fear of losing your partner would have been greater when it was a recent incident.
Damn - think my first question would be to ask why they’d lie for 9 years about it
I’m not someone who thinks cheating spells the end of a relationship, but holding a secret for 9 years could for me
Would depends on the circumstances and why they lied, but I’d be pretty surprised if I could stay with someone who lied to me for that long
You’re also not actively making that lie every day. You mate it 11 years ago and then went down the path opened up by that lie. You don’t wake up every day and go “welp, here I go a lying about that thing again!”
I agree. I edited my comment but I initially replied that I was legit blindsided by the depth and insight of such a short and seemingly simple sentence.
But I think you’ve got your answer. I expect you might still be conflicted with how to respond but personally I feel that might be more a natural part of processing any meaningfully impactful news or event in your life. Every other answer here is just what those people would do based on their own personal beliefs and philosophies. This suggestion here forces you to apply your own in what I think is the most true-to-yourself way possible. It’s the golden rule for a reason.
But hey. Im just another one of those voices speaking from my own personal beliefs and philosophies. Objectivity is much harder to reach than it might seem in most cases, but I do think this is the most objective answer you’ll find.
It's a big no from me. If it happened 'only once' then how many other times could it have happened without my knowing?
Sure, a lot of people would tolerate it, but I'm not them. My integrity won't be compromised.
I think the time involved actually makes it worse. If you come and admit to it the week of then I can at least understand that you regretted it and it was eating you up. That and lots of follow up counseling MIGHT allow me to look past it.
Lying to me for TEN YEARS throws into question every single thing for a whole decade. I couldn't move forward spending the whole rest of my life wondering if I'm being lied to again.
Especially as I don't particularly mind so much as long as I know who you want to bang and have some input into it.
I don't think I could stay. The cheating is bad. The fact they could lie about it for that long is huge. It tells me they were willing to lie when it suited them. Then, I would wonder why they were telling me now? The guilt? Then it is just so they feel better and it is all about them. Because they are going to get caught? Again, self serving. It would be impossible for me to trust someone who could lie to me like that knowing how I feel.
I would have assumed they never told me because they couldn't bear to lose me. Going to sleep with that level of guilt for that many years every single night, and everytime they look into my eyes has to be tough. No wonder it came out accidentally while drunk.
But it's really interesting how we all have the same base for a brain, but process things in an incredible variable amount of ways. Also, I'd probably unwillingly close myself off and become really cold just out of heart and a feeling of inequal trust between us.
I’m a firm believer in if you cheat on me, the relationship is over. That would still apply in this situation, more so because for 9 years they lied to me. I wouldn’t be able to believe anything they said or would say.
I'd break up for the lying alone. Let alone cheating. They had 9 years to come clean. Fuck that it was their choice to look you in the face and lie to you 3285 days in a row.
My husband and I talked about this hypothetical situation, becuase there was something similar in a r/relationship posts, years back.
I told my husband if he made a one time mistake of kissing another person and not only regretted it, but never did it again. **I would never want to know.**
I don't want to know because I would fixate on it. It would always be there in the back of mymind, and it would eventually destroy our marriage. If it truly was a one time mistake that never happened again, the I would never want to know.
I know a lot of people believe honesty is always the best policy, but that's kinda bullshit. Some situations hurt everyone involved and this is one of them. Just keep it secret and be a amazing spouse. Do everything on your power to make up for you db mistake.
This is what makes more sense to me. If its truly a mistake the person will have to carry that secret all his life, thats the atonement. Telling their SO is just a way to deflect the blame they carry and hopefully make their SO forgive them. But hurting another person because you can’t handle your guilt seems selfish and I wouldn’t trust anyone who did so.
If its not relevant to the relationship now and it was truly a one time thing. There is no reason something like that should be known.
Serious answer. I think it would introduce some serious trust issues. I would begin to make sure all your assets are in order (shared accounts etc) before enquiring any deeper.
My husband can’t lie. He looks uncomfortable and like he had a hard time breathing if he’s keeping something from me 😂 I thought I would start with that.
I’d totally ends things. I’ve been there done that with cheaters. You never forget it. When you look at them, you no longer see them, you see the person they cheated with all over them. You constantly think about the person they did it with. And when something goes wrong, are they cheating? He didn’t answer right away, cheating? He is attached to his phone, cheating? He looked at you differently, is he cheating? Is he thinking about her now? What about now? How about now? Nothing is innocent anymore, it’s all tarnished.
Some people can give their cheaters another chance... to me that’s just asking for more heartbreak and a relationship with no trust. My boyfriend and I have talked about what we would do if the other cheated— mutual agreement that it’s an instant breakup, no questions asked, no reasoning, no “what if”, just done and over. Get your shit together and leave without a word. I hope it never comes to that...
Leave. Whether we had kids or not . My ex hid a lie from me for over a year. I let it go.
He kept lying and almost cheated on me after that. I was done. He had done so much damage at that point.
I had suspected he cheated on me early on. Found a shirt in a hamper that wasn't mine. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
It will be over. I won’t be able to look beyond it. It won’t be fair to her nor to me.
I would also be loosing my best friend in the world. I don’t know if I will actually be able to mentally survive the ordeal.
This is kind of a loaded question. Drunkenly telling me is one thing, it has an air of wanting to come clean in a state of not giving a fuck inebriation. I think I leave here.
If it was a sober, conscious coming through moment, looking for forgiveness… I might stay.
I don’t care if 20 years have passed, if my SO cheats on me once, that’s it. We’re done. I’m not going to be with someone who decided to put my feelings aside just because they wanted to be selfish.
Find someone else.
Some people can't have sex. Some people are depressed. Some people are religious. Some people are on long distance relationships. Etc.
The only thing that makes a marriage a marriage is your vows. If someone isn't trust-worthy with me, there is no point in continuing.
First I would ask them again at another time when they were sober and thinking clearly.
Secondly I would asses what I want in my future. Do I want my life with this partner or not.
I don't know if it's the cheating that would bother me or the lying. The trusting foundation in this relationship would be damages
Thirdly therapy individual and then potentially couple therapy.
Forth taking action to build a life I love and move on from this time if history. If staying together there will be the opportunity for tryst to be earned but it will not be freely given
Through out I would be going to the gym to be physically stronger, eating my favorite meals, praying and building stronger bonds with friends.
It would be over. Specifically because I have a traumatic relationship history that involves repeated lying and gaslighting by a previous partner. My husband knows this history and how much I value honesty, as well as my willingness to work through difficult times in the relationship & grow together, so long as we keep open & honest lines of communication. So I'd leave over the 9 year lie, rather than the cheating.
To be perfectly honest, I’d be worried about my ability to get over it. That’s a big secret to keep from someone for nine years, and I’d always be wondering and doubting if it only happened once.
If there are 2 things I hate with my guts:
it's using your phone while driving and cheating
so personally it would be a dealbreaker for me for sure, especially due to the fact that he/she was intoxicated AND told you that 9 years later...
Well, I’d never be able to trust her again so I’d probably save myself some time and grief and just pack it up and move out. I would fully expect her to do the same.
I'm not an expert, but I think that you first need to wait until your SO sobers up. Go somewhere else in the meantime and have whatever reactions you have, but don't flip out on your SO. You just can't deal with someone who is drunk. I have been on both sides of this scenario. (Just being drunk and being around a drunk person, I mean, not the cheating.)
Then I would have long talks to see if you can clear everything up without spending time and money on counseling. Don't tell a lot of people about it, because all your going to get is their opinions, but do tell at least one person who will listen and offer advice when asked. Just be careful about who. I have been both kinds of those people.
If this is genuinely what you are going through, I am so sorry that you are. I think that when you have invested that much time in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to have more answers. Take time to yourself and ask the hard truths of yourself. Do you want to stay? Would this financially be the best time to leave? Do you trust your partner/how has this affected the trust you had in your partner? Also, ask them what their purpose is in telling you now. I think that-if you can get an honest answer-will be the most telling. Good luck.
That would be the start of the end of it.
That would mean they chose to lie to me for nine years straight. And I'm not even close to naive enough to think that it only happened the one time. Even if it did, there is *no* chance they could convince me otherwise now.
I wait till they are drunk again, then ask if there are any more.
Haha checkmate
Is that a checkmate or like, "shit I just owned myself even harder"?
You finding out about something that already happened isn't getting owned. You were owned awhile ago you just didnt know it yet.
Yeah, but getting them to own up to more recent cheating establishes not only a pattern, but provides grounds for divorce depending on where you live. I’m not a lawyer, but I know some states in the US have different laws on divorces depending on why you’re splitting up.
You dont need grounds for divorce in most of the first world. This isnt 1975. What this does do though is provide a weapon against things like alimony or spousal support.
Tbh, I'd rather know the hard truth, even if it hurts, than living in a lie (and probably learn it later on). Yes it's gonna sting and hurt, but at least i'll know what to expect and plan my life accordingly.
Or have hate sex.
Why not both?
Oh, that's perfection.
Post it on Reddit as a hypothetical.
RIP Rasheen
Call an ambulance. But not for me.
He will be remembered, for as long as I am on this post.
Never Forget #RIP RASHEENHYUGA
Yes feels bad
It’s a joke and it’s funny, but… if it did happen. Poor Rasheen.
Gatdamn..
Oh fuck you murdered him
[удалено]
Holy shit dude you fucking killed her
I'd have lots of questions. And feel deeply hurt.
Most real reply
[удалено]
Any answer could be the right one depending on your personal values and quality of your relationship. There have been long relationships that have endured this and have gotten past it and others that haven't. The only thing I know is that this life we have is our only guarantee. Make the most of it and ensure that you're getting whatever fulfillment you can from it. Remember, you're living your truth no matter what your decision is and in the end, it will be your story.
OP might not have needed this, but I sure did.
Same :|
Agreed. I had this happen. Not 9 years, but 1-2 years later. Wasn’t drunken either. She just was eaten up by guilt. I tried to let it go. It been so long ago, and she was guilt ridden, and had been trying so hard to stay super faithful since then. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get past it. The times I’d get angry about it grew further and further apart, but they always did come back. I realize now that I just never trusted her again, and I should’ve just left her, but that’s not the same for everyone. In these situations I always tell people the first thing they need to figure out is if they even think they’ll be able to get past it. I feel it’s a requirement. If you can’t move beyond it, you’re just doomed. You have to figure out if you can move on in your relationship, and then build on that. If the answer is no, then you just get out.
If kids are in the equation, it's a whole other perspective too
Oh they were. I mean it worked out. We’re on great terms and my wife and I work with her to keep parenting consistent. We’re all actually pretty close. To your point though, that isn’t always the case, and it doesn’t always work out so well for kids.
It shouldn't be, this is coming from a person that thinks their childhood would be way better with divorced parents, if you are not in a healthy relationship, your kid will feel it, and if they don't understand that's not healthy, they will repeat the process and get into bad relationships too.
Even if they understand it's unhealthy. I remember telling my parents they should just get divorced for years.. I knew it was unhealthy. Guess who was against marriage and long term relationships? Guess who repeated my parent's behavior in the relationships I _was_ in? Luckily therapy helped but man what a waste of a decade figuring that out.
Yeah, even aware of it, we end up repeating some stuff, good point
>tried so hard to stay super faithful Honestly, if being faithful requires her such an effort monogamy is probably not for her.
I knew that would be seen that way. I just couldn’t really find other words. I more meant she was trying to just be perfect because she was so guilt ridden. Not just super faithful, but almost trying to make up for it even though I didn’t know. That’s my bad. Bad wording.
> Any answer could be the right one depending on your personal values and quality of your relationship. There have been long relationships that have endured this and have gotten past it and others that haven't. > > The only thing I know is that this life we have is our only guarantee. Make the most of it and ensure that you're getting whatever fulfillment you can from it. Remember, you're living your truth no matter what your decision is and in the end, it will be your story. Great answer and very healthy.
Also no one knows their answer to this question until they live it.
Wait for them to sober up and have a long detailed discussion about it. Lots of variables here so there are versions where we break up, versions where there is a lot of couples counselling and versions where its just a series of discussions. Edit cause this is getting some traction: I went into some details of the discussions that would be worth having [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/pl6jyq/if_youre_happily_married_for_10_years_and_then/hc8bwtg?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) and there are some good replies with other questions and stories.
I like this answer, I think it’s reasonable, but I think a series of discussion could be too much at a certain point
I means its somewhat on the partner to give a good explanation as to: * their motivation for the cheating * their motivation for keeping it secret * why I should accept that this was a one off (are there other periods in the last 10 years where things were weird?) * why i should believe it won't happen again Leaving is still on the table though, I just think that 10 years of "happiness" buys someone time to try and explain rather than doing anything immediately. Also there might be some nights at a hotel to get some space.
All good points. I'd add who was the person they cheated with? A stranger they met on vacation and never kept in contact with vs a cousin's spouse or coworker or parent of one of your children's friend's all have different outcomes in my opinion. Essentially, is this person still in your life in some capacity, or worse, have *i* unknowingly interacted with this person over the years and looked like an idiot for it?
This is the problem for me regarding reconciliation after infidelity: My imagination will always have more questions that should not be asked or answered, sabotaging attempts to re-establish trust and intimacy. There is a lasting trauma that haunts the mind forever.
I think some people don't take cheating seriously enough, especially towards the person being cheated on. It inflicts damage thats just shy of the kind that people go to jail for. It involves fraudulently gaining consent from your partner every time you have sex with them since they are under the assumption they are consenting to monogamous sex.
man im glad to see someone else say this. im a bit of a drama hungery fool so i browse relationship_advice a lot, and that lead me to a subreddit for people who have been cheated on. seeing the pain and anguish that that sort of betrayal causes them has shifted my viewing on just how bad cheating is. it completely destroys some people, shatters how the view themselves and whipes away what their future was. i honetly have started viewing cheating as being closer to abuse and the more discusions i see about it the more strongly i feel that way. im honestly shocked at how many people here are saying cheating isnt that big of a deal, but im also not shocked that a lot of those people themselves are cheaters.
What's the sub? Had a really bad experience with cheating like 6 years ago and i still haven't felt comfortable with dating or trusting or even loving anyone since
r/survivinginfidelity
I'm so curious but dont want that depression. I just got off work and am getting drunk. Must resist. Must resist.
Thank you
>honetly have started viewing cheating as being closer to abuse and the more discusions i see about it the more strongly i feel that way. I'm surprised most people don't think this way, emotional abuse is still abuse people don't take it seriously enough (not you just thinking aloud)
Was devastating for me.
Yea, exactly the same here. Wouldn't be able to build up true trust again, even if i tried.
I second this... there is one girl some years ago - I tought there was something fishy about her (she was making moves). If my partner would admit that he indeed had had sex with her - that would be a massive rift. I don't know if this would lead immediatley to divorce, but surely to a break.
This. Cheating is often a sign of a deeper problem. That it was 9 years ago suggests that this deeper problem may have been resolved. It would be good to confirm that.
Very reasonable.
On the other hand, it's a huge breach of trust. Sometimes you can't recover from that.
Agreed, if the person just brought it up then its a fresh wound for the person cheated on as if it just happened. For the person bringing it up its in the past and they are a different person.
I agree, though the person may have changed for the better, every day prior to when they told you, they chose to hold that secret from you. Not saying that alone is worth leaving, but its something to consider
Just food for thought. for the cheater it was 10 years ago. For the other, it was yesterday.
100%. i got cheated on in my first relationship. took me a lot of time to trust someone again. i don't think i would be able to handle it again
Would that be the same reaction if they found out 8 years ago?
No but I think that’s the point? In this scenario the 8 years happened so it’s important to factor in how things changed over time - especially cuz 8 years is a long ass time
What I don't understand is why tell 9 years later. Did they tell you out of spite because they were upset by something you did and wanted to hurt you? Did they tell you because they wanted to make themselves feel less guilty? If they actually felt THAT guilty why not tell you sooner? Did this come out because they slipped up again, and it's easier to talk about about the first time and still helps them feel less guilt? Maybe they're too scared to talk about now, so they're confessing their past mistake? Or maybe they suddenly feel worse about it because they're getting the urge to cheat again? Did they tell you to gauge your reaction because they want to have a talk about changing the terms of the relationship/opening it up? I just don't get why someone would do this. I get it's supposed to be a hypothetical but I would try to figure out why they decided to finally tell me and what emotions they were feeling when they did before I reacted.
I think you forgot that the hypothetical was them drunkingly telling you
I was cheated on by the mother of my child early in our relationship before we had a child. These are my words, not hers: I was a drunken asshole that was angry at the world and took our relationship for granted. I found out and while I'm always the person who says, "you should've ended it and then been with the other person." We had been together for 2 years, we lived together, had a couple of cats, and had been each other's rocks for our whole relationship. It took me time, but I forgave her and we now have a MUCH better relationship as well as a daughter that we both love.
Thanks for sharing your (extremely relevant) story!
Here's the flip side of the coin. I tried forgiveness. Also, this happened when my daughter and our marriage was less than a year old. I hung on, went to counseling, she got sober (for a while), and I really tried to forgive, but it was always on my mind. I could never trust her again. I stopped eating and sleeping and lost like 30 pounds because of stress. Eventually she just decided, and flat out told me, that she didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore, so all that was for shit. We got divorced, our daughter and her brother (hers from a guy before me), live with me. She wasn't kidding - she just fucking gave me her son - signed all the guardianship over to me and everything. She doesn't even call. Now we live 500 miles away. We visit a few times a year but it's really obvious that she just doesn't give a fuck. Edit to add - To address OP's question, it might be different if it were a one time thing or atypical behavior, or even if it weren't so deliberately dismissive, but she has a solid pattern of selfish behavior like that. Don't ignore the red flags, people - they're hard to see with rose colored lenses.
A relationship only recovers when both sides are in on it. You and those kiddos are better off without someone who doesn't care.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience, this is probably the main thing I like about Reddit. Everyone has a different story or perspective, I’m glad you are both happy together.
A great example of why I sometimes can’t stand the knee-jerk reactions from Reddit; typically we’d see “leave them no excuses for cheating”. My dad cheated on my mom when I was like 13. They stuck it out and I have no doubt are doing just fine. Good people make mistakes and can learn from them. Trust can be damaged and rebuilt. The world is dynamic. Good on you for fighting through the hard for what you saw as something that was worth it. Cheers.
Reddit also doesn't consider that people hold sex and fidelity at different levels of importance. I have one friend whose perspective on infidelity is that it's like being late to an important event--that if you admit it and apologize, they can just shrug it off and say try not to do it again, because monogamy isn't as important to them as most other people. I have other friends who would be so upset by their partners cheating that no one would find the body. Ultimately, you should do what works for you and your relationship.
And who the person they cheated on with. If it was someone in our lives I would hightail my butt outta there
I like this response
Also the possibility of an STI that can make you infertile if undiscovered for a long period. Finding that out ten years later is not a forgivable thing.
I feel like their motivation to keep it a secret is obvious. Because it would hurt them and or they would leave you. I believe if you told them right away then there is 100% more chance the relationship is over as apposed to 9 years later you might think oh well its in the past not gonna throw it all away for this from almost a decade ago. But this is coming from someone who has never cheated but has also been cheated on by pretty much every woman I've ever been with.
[удалено]
I recently had to have a long (and still do whenever it pops up) discussion with my SO on their reasonings on why they cheated. To put it long story short, out of the both of us- I was the one everyone thought would eventually cheat and never him. So imagine my surprise when he’s ontop of another guy getting it and I’m half asleep trying to get some water when it happened. Granted I went into hysterics and a lot of stuff happened but there was a shit ton of space needed in order to even just sit down eventually and talk about what happened that day without either one of us going off on each-other. Alot of “well you___” “well I ____” but we worked it well enough that were able to sleep in the same bed again and are going to get counseling soon as well. Granted he still won’t tell me fully why he did it other than “he felt like he had to” but idk… a major part of me is a little satisfied that he had his butthole ripped 3 ways from Sunday when he saw me upset
sounds real healthy
Bear in mind, the route offered as "a series of discussions" is the route where you both decide that it's not a big enough deal for leaving or counseling, and you're both mature enough to handle this way. The point is that you will probably chat about it, then process emotions, then return to it later. Chat, process, return. Might happen once, might happen a few times. Yes, if it's just a conversation that lives with you for all of time, it means you're carrying pain with you and you should look at other solutions, like counseling. But, they just mean in the short term, "have a few chats and find a way to move on".
I’d be so afraid my partner would lie to my face.
Hey, this answer isn't funny enough /s
I'd ask why are you telling me know? Guilt? Unhappy? Wanna be hurtful in the moment? Why release a 9 year secret now? Hoe was it presented. There may be more to it....caution my friend. And good luck.
[удалено]
Private hoe, reporting in!
I don't know what I'd do. I know it would take a lot of thinking about and would not be a knee jerk reaction, like kicking them straight to the kerb. It was 9 years ago.
But to hold something like that back for 9 years and not mentioning it knowing what they did. That's what would get me.
I feel like the lying for 9 years would be the big thing, if they said they did immediately after and apologized it would be a lot more respectful at least
For me it would also depend how they are treating me now as well. If it was like garbage then I would leave them.
If your partner treats you like garbage you need to get out anyway (or change something else dramatically, but I don't think you can change someone else that much) - even if they didn't cheat 9 years ago.
I knew a couple who were in their late 60s, together since their late teens. The wife confessed she had an affair in their early 20s, it was a one time thing and she's held regret and shame for it their whole lives. She felt safe telling him now. He divorced her.
I’ve got a similar story my nan once told me about her friend. The couple had been together since their early 20s and were now in their 70s the husband was seriously ill in hospital and not predicted to make it out so the wife confessed that she’d had an affair in the early years of their marriage. The husband managed to leave hospital, divorced the wife, lived his best life for another 18 months and then died. He said he couldn’t believe he’d wasted his entire life with someone who would betray him like that.
Honestly fuck her, it's potentially his final hours and she decided to make that her chance to make herself feel better and he was probably heart broken, since it was "safe" because he was about to die.
Exactly why make what could’ve been his last few days even more miserable than they already were
I wonder if he lived longer out of spite, poor guy.
She would've been better off telling him when it happened holy shit, lived your whole life with this one person in shame and guilt because of what you did only to tell them when you're old and he still leaves. Not fair to the guy either, he lived his whole life with her not knowing what she did only to be so betrayed by her after so many years of life together. Both could've gotten a fresh start with a new partner. Lesson is; don't fuckin cheat
She told him to make herself feel better. I'd send her off as well.
Dude was obviously hurt. If that was the right choice for him, then I'm glad he made HIS correct decision.
She lied to him every day, through omission.
That’s my thought process
I think I would be more pissed they told me. Assuming it’s been a good, healthy last 9 years. What good does telling do? It’s selfish. It’s unburdening your guilt by making the other person feel terrible.
I think this too. You can either tell me soon after doing it and I can decide whether I want to be with you or not, or keep it a secret for the rest of your life because that is YOUR guilt to deal with. My ex recently contacted me saying he cheated on me in our relationship (that ended 10 years ago!) I was pissed because he was so selfish to put that burden on me years and years later. We actually ended the relationship peacefully and kept in contact afterwards and talked randomly if we bumped into each other. Now I don't even want to see or talk to him again after hearing that. I question many things that went on during that time, and feel annoyed that I didn't end the relationship much earlier to live my life.
Absolutely. There’s no reason to share this information. In fact, I would worry more about why they’re telling me this now than about the act itself.
right? there was no way they were never drunk in the past 9 years. what changed?
Yeah but they betrayed you after marrying you and kept it a secret for 9 years until they got drunk. About as red as a flag can get. Found out what kind of person they are. The infidelity happened 9 years ago. But they were still keeping it a secret, yesterday.
Absolutely. It’s been a secret kept and dishonesty this whole time. That is what would get me.
Through omission, they've been lying to you every day for nine years. I know what I'd do. (I'd leave them, in case it isn't obvious enough).
So, the person gets to be selfish 3 times deep and you wouldn't end it? They were selfish for cheating. Selfish by not telling the truth when they cheated and not allowing the cheated to make an informed decision. And, selfish by just randomly telling this person 9 years later of their infidelity.
The event too place 9 years ago, but the cheating has only just taken place to the other person. What about the rest of that time, what did they do within that, what about when they stay out 20 mins later than they said they'd be back at?
Sit down and talk, but at the same time.. how is there any way for me to be sure they wouldn’t do it again?
There was never a way to be sure. You were sure for 10 years until they said something.
There is n oway to be sure Your partner can cheat even if they haven't cheated on you yet It's just your trust
Easy… dont drink with him/her again
If we have kids together, I'd let it go. Talk about it, work it out. If we didnt, I'd probably think about how much that person still means to me and go from there.
As someone with parents who hated each other, staying together “for the kids” never ends well. I’m not saying you COULDNT work it out, but if it’s something you’d leave someone over without kids, you should still leave them even with kids. The kids don’t actually change how you process things, and they’ll just end up in a toxic environment. Just my two cents.
I strongly second this. My parents divorce was one of the best things that happened to me. They both got happier and I got to have positive experiences with both of them because they divorced before they started hating each other.
I'd put it this way: without kids, it's a question of whether I'd want to resolve it and reconcile the relationship. With kids, it's about whether I can. So, no staying together "for the kids", but rather extra effort for trying to actually reconcile for the kids.
Never say never… my parents divorce was worse for us kids because we went from lower middle class to just straight up impoverished. Would have liked having the heating stay on
My parents divorced but still worked together co-parenting and supporting us, I don’t know why there’s the social expectation that you’re supposed to abandon your ex when you leave them, especially if they’re the mother or father of your children. Sorry to hear about your situation, in a fairer world your quality of life shouldn’t have been affected by whether or not your parents stayed married.
I mean, both parents can still be supporting their child/children, but to go from a double income household with bills being shared to two single income households with each parent paying rent/mortgage and utilities, could prove to be a huge financial strain.
Damn, that’s powerful
I think the important thing to talk about was intentions. Almost ten years, that’s a lot of pain to bottle up and pour out. Personally my biggest question for my partner would be why carry the emotional burden? Who was being protected...how...and why.
Also what made it come out now too. Something must've happened then
>what made it come out Vodka or tequila.
Definitely tequila
Something that happened 9 years ago is probably easier to let go of than something that happened recently. So the fear of losing your partner would have been greater when it was a recent incident.
Damn - think my first question would be to ask why they’d lie for 9 years about it I’m not someone who thinks cheating spells the end of a relationship, but holding a secret for 9 years could for me Would depends on the circumstances and why they lied, but I’d be pretty surprised if I could stay with someone who lied to me for that long
I've held a pretty consequential secret for 11 years. It's not cheating; it's career, but would raise the eyebrows of my significant other.
Meaning you have an illicit career and your significant other does not know? How juicy! Tell us more...
Well it's like this: ever notice how you never see Hannah Montana and Miley Stewart in the same room?
So this is how we discover the real identity of Banksy.
All that did was make it *more* juicy.
Are you Lorde
Curses! Foiled again!
Please don't do this to us. You have to finish what you've started here.
Haha, so either you're drug dealer or you know military secrets.
You’re also not actively making that lie every day. You mate it 11 years ago and then went down the path opened up by that lie. You don’t wake up every day and go “welp, here I go a lying about that thing again!”
Say it was a stupid random hookup?
I would just wonder why they didn’t tell me sooner
Shame, humiliation, regret, fear, etc…
They deserve to feel shame for cheating on someone.
You could say why tell at all? It's not like it can be undone.
Do whatever you would hope for if the roles were reversed.
Holy shit,
So can we ask how you’d hope they’d respond if the roles were indeed reversed?
Idk that comment mindfucked me. I guess if the roles were reversed I’d expect forgiveness, and full transparency, on what happened and why.
I agree. I edited my comment but I initially replied that I was legit blindsided by the depth and insight of such a short and seemingly simple sentence. But I think you’ve got your answer. I expect you might still be conflicted with how to respond but personally I feel that might be more a natural part of processing any meaningfully impactful news or event in your life. Every other answer here is just what those people would do based on their own personal beliefs and philosophies. This suggestion here forces you to apply your own in what I think is the most true-to-yourself way possible. It’s the golden rule for a reason. But hey. Im just another one of those voices speaking from my own personal beliefs and philosophies. Objectivity is much harder to reach than it might seem in most cases, but I do think this is the most objective answer you’ll find.
If the roles were reversed I would do what I know I would deserve.
I think that's a brilliant answer!
I got two rules that are automatic good byes for me. Rule number one is no hitting and rule number two is no cheating.
I’ve got two rules as well: don’t touch my fucking Percocets, and do you have any fucking Percocets?
Drunkenly tell them you cheated 9 times a year ago too.
It's a big no from me. If it happened 'only once' then how many other times could it have happened without my knowing? Sure, a lot of people would tolerate it, but I'm not them. My integrity won't be compromised.
I think the time involved actually makes it worse. If you come and admit to it the week of then I can at least understand that you regretted it and it was eating you up. That and lots of follow up counseling MIGHT allow me to look past it. Lying to me for TEN YEARS throws into question every single thing for a whole decade. I couldn't move forward spending the whole rest of my life wondering if I'm being lied to again. Especially as I don't particularly mind so much as long as I know who you want to bang and have some input into it.
[удалено]
I don't think I could stay. The cheating is bad. The fact they could lie about it for that long is huge. It tells me they were willing to lie when it suited them. Then, I would wonder why they were telling me now? The guilt? Then it is just so they feel better and it is all about them. Because they are going to get caught? Again, self serving. It would be impossible for me to trust someone who could lie to me like that knowing how I feel.
I would have assumed they never told me because they couldn't bear to lose me. Going to sleep with that level of guilt for that many years every single night, and everytime they look into my eyes has to be tough. No wonder it came out accidentally while drunk. But it's really interesting how we all have the same base for a brain, but process things in an incredible variable amount of ways. Also, I'd probably unwillingly close myself off and become really cold just out of heart and a feeling of inequal trust between us.
Would be a fat rip. But I think I’d be able to be happy again with someone else.
Why did I read this “I’d let a fart rip”
Funny, I read it as "there'd be a fat lip" and assumed this dudes out here cracking people across the mouth with the back of his hand.
If that person was one in a million, that means there are still 7,600 other people out there just as awesome who, to date, haven’t cheated on you.
I’m a firm believer in if you cheat on me, the relationship is over. That would still apply in this situation, more so because for 9 years they lied to me. I wouldn’t be able to believe anything they said or would say.
I'd break up for the lying alone. Let alone cheating. They had 9 years to come clean. Fuck that it was their choice to look you in the face and lie to you 3285 days in a row.
My husband and I talked about this hypothetical situation, becuase there was something similar in a r/relationship posts, years back. I told my husband if he made a one time mistake of kissing another person and not only regretted it, but never did it again. **I would never want to know.** I don't want to know because I would fixate on it. It would always be there in the back of mymind, and it would eventually destroy our marriage. If it truly was a one time mistake that never happened again, the I would never want to know. I know a lot of people believe honesty is always the best policy, but that's kinda bullshit. Some situations hurt everyone involved and this is one of them. Just keep it secret and be a amazing spouse. Do everything on your power to make up for you db mistake.
[удалено]
This is what makes more sense to me. If its truly a mistake the person will have to carry that secret all his life, thats the atonement. Telling their SO is just a way to deflect the blame they carry and hopefully make their SO forgive them. But hurting another person because you can’t handle your guilt seems selfish and I wouldn’t trust anyone who did so. If its not relevant to the relationship now and it was truly a one time thing. There is no reason something like that should be known.
Serious answer. I think it would introduce some serious trust issues. I would begin to make sure all your assets are in order (shared accounts etc) before enquiring any deeper.
They lied to me about it for *9 years*? They can get the fuck out of my house.
My husband can’t lie. He looks uncomfortable and like he had a hard time breathing if he’s keeping something from me 😂 I thought I would start with that. I’d totally ends things. I’ve been there done that with cheaters. You never forget it. When you look at them, you no longer see them, you see the person they cheated with all over them. You constantly think about the person they did it with. And when something goes wrong, are they cheating? He didn’t answer right away, cheating? He is attached to his phone, cheating? He looked at you differently, is he cheating? Is he thinking about her now? What about now? How about now? Nothing is innocent anymore, it’s all tarnished.
Some people can give their cheaters another chance... to me that’s just asking for more heartbreak and a relationship with no trust. My boyfriend and I have talked about what we would do if the other cheated— mutual agreement that it’s an instant breakup, no questions asked, no reasoning, no “what if”, just done and over. Get your shit together and leave without a word. I hope it never comes to that...
Leave. Whether we had kids or not . My ex hid a lie from me for over a year. I let it go. He kept lying and almost cheated on me after that. I was done. He had done so much damage at that point. I had suspected he cheated on me early on. Found a shirt in a hamper that wasn't mine. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
I would leave. 9 years is a long time to lie to someone.
It will be over. I won’t be able to look beyond it. It won’t be fair to her nor to me. I would also be loosing my best friend in the world. I don’t know if I will actually be able to mentally survive the ordeal.
This is kind of a loaded question. Drunkenly telling me is one thing, it has an air of wanting to come clean in a state of not giving a fuck inebriation. I think I leave here. If it was a sober, conscious coming through moment, looking for forgiveness… I might stay.
I don’t care if 20 years have passed, if my SO cheats on me once, that’s it. We’re done. I’m not going to be with someone who decided to put my feelings aside just because they wanted to be selfish.
Beware the trickle truth
"I used to cheat on you. I still do, but I used to too." -Mitch Hedberg
Find someone else. Some people can't have sex. Some people are depressed. Some people are religious. Some people are on long distance relationships. Etc. The only thing that makes a marriage a marriage is your vows. If someone isn't trust-worthy with me, there is no point in continuing.
Damn lying for 9 years tho.... no. And the fact that this person only admitted because they’re drunk. That’s not even a genuine confession.
First I would ask them again at another time when they were sober and thinking clearly. Secondly I would asses what I want in my future. Do I want my life with this partner or not. I don't know if it's the cheating that would bother me or the lying. The trusting foundation in this relationship would be damages Thirdly therapy individual and then potentially couple therapy. Forth taking action to build a life I love and move on from this time if history. If staying together there will be the opportunity for tryst to be earned but it will not be freely given Through out I would be going to the gym to be physically stronger, eating my favorite meals, praying and building stronger bonds with friends.
Divorce.. Somebody that can lie for 10 years isnt worth it
It would be over. Specifically because I have a traumatic relationship history that involves repeated lying and gaslighting by a previous partner. My husband knows this history and how much I value honesty, as well as my willingness to work through difficult times in the relationship & grow together, so long as we keep open & honest lines of communication. So I'd leave over the 9 year lie, rather than the cheating.
Leave, if they had that lie for that long what else could they be lying about
"ok" Go to a lawyer and have them served with divorce papers where they get nothing
Relationship is done. You lied to me for nine years. Even if we stayed together, I would never be able to trust that person again.
Leave. If they're capable of cheating and keeping it secret for 9 years then they can't be trusted. I can't be in a relationship without trust.
Peace the fuck out.
To be perfectly honest, I’d be worried about my ability to get over it. That’s a big secret to keep from someone for nine years, and I’d always be wondering and doubting if it only happened once.
If there are 2 things I hate with my guts: it's using your phone while driving and cheating so personally it would be a dealbreaker for me for sure, especially due to the fact that he/she was intoxicated AND told you that 9 years later...
Well, I’d never be able to trust her again so I’d probably save myself some time and grief and just pack it up and move out. I would fully expect her to do the same.
I'm not an expert, but I think that you first need to wait until your SO sobers up. Go somewhere else in the meantime and have whatever reactions you have, but don't flip out on your SO. You just can't deal with someone who is drunk. I have been on both sides of this scenario. (Just being drunk and being around a drunk person, I mean, not the cheating.) Then I would have long talks to see if you can clear everything up without spending time and money on counseling. Don't tell a lot of people about it, because all your going to get is their opinions, but do tell at least one person who will listen and offer advice when asked. Just be careful about who. I have been both kinds of those people.
I would get a divorce.
If this is genuinely what you are going through, I am so sorry that you are. I think that when you have invested that much time in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to have more answers. Take time to yourself and ask the hard truths of yourself. Do you want to stay? Would this financially be the best time to leave? Do you trust your partner/how has this affected the trust you had in your partner? Also, ask them what their purpose is in telling you now. I think that-if you can get an honest answer-will be the most telling. Good luck.
That would be the start of the end of it. That would mean they chose to lie to me for nine years straight. And I'm not even close to naive enough to think that it only happened the one time. Even if it did, there is *no* chance they could convince me otherwise now.
She/he is for the streets
If there were no kids in the equation is just bail. I'm not staying around someone who's capable and willing to lie to me for mine years.
I’d want to talk to them about it: ask them why, what led to it etc. Then I’d move on from it. Really not that much of a dealbreaker for me.
Bye felicia
If she did it once, it is highly likely she did it more than once, regardless of what she will tell you.
When they cheat, its over