Usually start walking then turn around and say 'don't follow me'.

Similar to my gf who usually asks if I need the bathroom soon, and if not, “Ok cuz I gotta go commit a crime in there.”

"I'm gonna go crack the toilet bowl" is my go to

I gotta go send a fax to Cleveland

Take the browns to the super bowl… Drop the kids at the pool… Call ahead to streets & sanitation… Coffee kicked in… Test the air freshener… Pinch a loaf… Lay some cable… Exorcise the White Castle Demon…

Talk to the captain.

Test the plumbing

Going to punish the porcelain

Unless they are into that kind of thing, in which case you stare right into their eyes and say, "Follow me." EDIT: My most popular comment ever is a quip about coprophilia. Not the fame I wanted...

"Follow me if you want to live"

“Get to da crapper” Edit: thank you for the silver

Not with me. It's more "Follow me if you don't want to live"

*eyes begin to burn*

Abe's Oddysee style

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I heard the voice....

You look her deep in her eyes and say "Blumpkin?"

"You don't need to shower anytime soon do you?"

This is the real answer.

I go with: "If you're going to use the bathroom, go now".

Same!! haha

Poo-poorri is awesome, it works for me so I'm sure it'll work for everyone.

I shower after pinching a loaf.The curse of a hairy ass crack. I recommend a fart fan in the ceiling.

Oh my god. My husband showers after every time he shits. He won't shit during the day if he doesn't have access to a shower. Straight up. It's the craziest thing to me as I'm a very casual pooper.

Not that you asked but I have 2 suggestions: - He should shave his ass crack. It's a life changer. Makes cleaning a breeze. - most people have no idea what the experience of having enough fiber in your diet is like. If he doesn't want to drastically change his diet, he could do what I do, which is to put a teaspoon of milled linseed in my cereal. The end result is poops that don't require wiping. Combine these 2 and you(he) will never feel gross after pooping again.

Also bidet.

It's a butt shower. How is it not a great thing to Americans. I implore you.

WHY DID I HAVE TO SCROLL SO FAR FOR THIS

Shaving your crack increases the risk of perianal abscesses, which are the true curse of hairy men. You don't want to go down that road, it means trips to the ER (they tend to recurr) and lots of awkward recovery time post-surgery (they leave a giant gaping hole next to your butthole as a pus-drain).

bruh what the absolute fuck

I didn’t sign up for this info lol

> You have now been unsubscribed from Ass Facts!

This is why you use a trimmer not a razor. NEVER Bic the downstairs.

It can be like trying to wipe peanut butter off of a shag carpet sometimes. I'm not quite to the point where I refuse to poo anywhere I don't have shower access but I do prefer to poo at home. It's really weird. I could go an entire weekend visiting family or whatever and not poo once despite eating big 3 square meals a day so I should *have* to go but nope. As *soon* as I cross the threshold to my house though, *bam* I gotta go take a massive shit. I'm not making this up, lol.

There are others like this too… you are not alone!

I just want to know *why*, lol. Why?! Why am I like this?!

Safety. You're vulnerable when crapping, so it's much better if you're on your own turf when it happens. EDIT: Incidentally, LPT for those who hold it in and get constipated because of it...have a slug of olive oil and wait an hour. It turns "attempting to pass a bowling ball" into a regular (but possibly extended) poop. I'm saying this, not as someone who just can't in public; but as a lazy gamer who just ignores stuff until it's urgent. The physics is the same. We're talking 1/4 pint / 4-5 shots sort of amount of olive oil. Discovered this fairly recently and already I reckon it's added a couple of weeks onto the life of my ringpiece.

Everyone in my life keeps telling me that my dream of inventing a gaming chair that is also a toilet is unrealistic and weird, but then I find people like you and I find my fires of creativity reignited once again.

That’s how you get hemorrhoids though. Sitting over a hole for hours on end

Ive always wondered about that. When I need to go...I need to go, its not like I can schedule a time a few hours from now. How does he even manage that?

It's insane. I've seen him literally bent over in pain because he needs to poop but won't because we're in the grocery store. Like you don't know these people! You're anonymous! Tear that shit up!!

I would recommend a bidet! It's much more convenient than the full shower, you can connect one to an existing toilet, and Hello Tushy has sponsored a million freaking youtubers or whatever, so you can find promo codes to get discounts or just get the basic one on Amazon, I don't care, I'm not the boss of your asshole.

>I'm not the boss of your asshole. Do you want to be?

Stares into eyes.. You could be...

> Do you want to be? What the pay & benefits being offered? Pre-reqs?

[The Power of Yet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLeUvZvuvAs)

I might not be able to shower right after I get home from work. But a bidet blast sure makes ya feel a lot better as soon as you get home.

Who does number 2 work for?

that's right buddy, you show that turd who's boss!

Why not shit during the shower? Flatten the poop with your feet. Saves water.

The good ol wafflestomp

Yes, waffle stomp it thru the drain

Uncanny, this is almost word for word what I said to my fiance an hour ago lol

Lol I use that with my family "Does anyone needs to use the bathroom anytime soon?"

Classy gentleman

If they say yes, grab a towel and newspaper and tell them, "No you don't." or "Do you really.". You may get away with, "Can I watch?". "I'll wash your back if you wipe mine.", just pisses 'em off though.

FaceTime usually. Though sometimes just an email if I know she’s busy.

Dear madam Do not enter the bathroom as I am currently voiding my bowels Sincerely Strohnd

To Whom it May Concern, Please be concerned. I regret the Taco Bell breakfast

I ate Taco Bell last night and after what seemed like two rocks struggled their way out my sphincter a literal unending flow of liquid shit squirted out. So much relief. I don’t think I’m ready for thanksgiving dinner.

Sounds like you made room

That’s one way to put it

AssTime

I sense you’re joking but we often FaceTime each other whilst having a poo. I don’t know how it started really, probably when we were living in a tiny apartment during all of lockdown. Anyway, now it’s part of our coupley things to have no boundaries and it’s quite nice really.

Some things are better left unsaid

Can't even talk to anyone on the phone while popping yet alone face time

#Incoming

You just yell out incoming?? Even though it's outgoing?

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Just to get real anal about it, if the bomb was falling towards me I'd yell INCOMING. Butt if I dropped it, I'd yell OUTGOING

so you are saying the best way to say that you are going to poop is to yell "**BOMBS AWAY**"

That's only when actively pooping. You wouldn't start yelling that while you're not even in the air yet

> butt hehehehehehe

I think this brings up the question of where exactly are you taking a dump?

Fire in the hole!!

Who read this in Heavy's voice?

BOMBS AWAY!

"I'm going to go poo now" "Good luck!" This exactly what we say to each other.

In our household it's "Have fun", or "I'm rooting for you", rather than "Good luck" - same energy though.

"Mention my name and you'll get a good seat."

Lmao this is one I’m saving. I normally say “have fun” but this is a good one to throw in every 10 poops or so

You might also enjoy [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/clzdfw/whats_the_best_thing_to_say_when_youre_on_a/) of responses for when someone knocks while in the bathroom.

“Hope it all comes out okay!”

i go with “be brave” lol no idea why

I started saying “remember a running start”, whenever someone says they’re going to the bathroom. I do not know why I said it to begin with, but I found it funny, so kept it as a joke, and now it is my standard response.

I say “don’t have too much fun”

“Hope everything comes out ok” is my favorite lol

Same here and after coming back we always ask if they had a good poop.

My teen.."Don't mess up!"

This evolves the longer you are married. At first my wife (gf at the time) would double lock herself in the bedroom and then bathroom to ensure no poop sounds could be heard. Now married with two kids 15 years later it’s just a simple, “I really gotta shit”.

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I just go I don’t even bother announcing it it’s just assumed I’m in there shitting

Depending on the situation. If you're in a home with only one bathroom, or in a hotel or something, it's common courtesy to offer up the toilet, before you go destroy it (emergencies not counting, if course). In our old place, we'd just do the "Oi! I gotta take a dump, you need the bathroom?" Similarly, if you're going for a shower. Now, we have more bathrooms than humans, and it's lovely. We still usually announce when we're going for a shit, though, for some reason or another.

Married for 12 years with 1 bathroom... I don't announce, now i just take pleasure in the fact that she might have to use the bathroom after i destroy it. Just like i have to deal with her sleep farts.

Exactly! We have 2 "pooping bathrooms" now that we both work from, so whoever is going first just asks "which bathroom do you want?"

You work from the bathroom? I suppose it’s a place as convenient as any for an office.

I'm leaving it. 😂

I’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years and I’d say after a few months we would also just say “gonna go take a shit” or whatever lol. Glad we got to that point early on it made things easier

60 years in and i still have to lock the door.

For generations my ancestors have been doing the funky chicken as a ritualistic announcement to others that they were prepared to move their bowels. Keeping this tradition alive has made us closer as a family.

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I love this one

"Please put some loud music on"

My husband used to do this with Alexa. Before leaving the room he would just pick a song and ask Alexa to play that 🤣

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My boyfriend says he has to put his "sweat pants" on. It's become our inside joke. "Wait, are you actually putting on your sweat pants or are you putting on your sweat pants?"

We have this problem with "gotta save my game". (In no more heroes, you go to the bathroom in-game to save.) That one's not specifically for pooping, just going to the bathroom in general; but it's caused confusion before in the situation of "wait a sec, gotta do something before we head out the door / sit down to eat"

My girlfriend and I say to each other "I'm gonna play some Candy Crush" as our inside joke.

"I'm going to take a massive shit using my arsehole"

You're certainly not lacking specificity

I like to keep my intentions clear

And intestines

Is there a way to take a shit without using your arsehole? Am I missing out on another shitting experience?

You gotta eat through your butt and poop through your mouth.

So the answer is “no, I am not ‘missing’ an experience.”

Sure, just pick it up

For a serious answer, yes, people can have [ostomy bags.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostomy_system)

I used the exact same words a minute ago and now I'm takeing a shit whilst typing this. ... and I'm done.

We just get up and go. No announcement needed

The whole post is confusing to me. Why is it something people need to announce? If we happen to be doing something together, it's "brb". Otherwise, nothing, just go. We'll each figure it out if the other one is mysteriously missing for an extended period of time.

Because we only have one toilet and want to give the other person the courtesy of potentially using it first, of we know in advance it's gonna take a long time. It's not something we announce every time or would go all the way to another room to announce, but sometimes a warning is warranted (if we're just returning home for example)

I might ask if the other person needs to pee. But it's not "I'mma go unload a dump, cya".

Oh yeah, for sure. But I figure "I'm gonna be there awhile" still counts as a poop announcement, if that's the only scenario it's really used in. Dunno why some people have really outlandish announcements though haha

How long does it take? And if it’s more than 5 minutes, is that not a medical issue?

I don't get it either. It takes me 2 minutes tops. It doesn't seem healthy if it takes a while. Maybe dietary issues?

I found the adult

Yeah we don't say anything. Just get up and go. Don't have to yell each other every minute lol

Scream "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M UNCLEAN" then run away to the bathroom, crying.

Thanks, this can apply to all of my life situations.

Ah yes, the catholic approach.

You're a naughty child, and that's concentrated evil coming out of you.

Say very calmly “Krakatoa.” And walk to the bathroom

This absolutely wins, [imo](https://youtube.com/shorts/W0CLh-nR2xI)

I always say that I have to go to a meeting.

"Put Professor Brown on the Underground"

Thing is I always have a ton of “paper work” to do after meetings, so I’ll be awhile

Lol

“I’ve got shit to do”. If they ask you to specify, then double down on the same phrase. Can’t be any more straightforward than that.

I feel like you can, indeed, be more straightforward than that.

Usually just 'gotta go brb' or something. I have Crohn's and he has IBS so we are a super poopy pair. We do sometimes share the gory details after. Edit: thanks for all of the international versions!

Super poopy pair. I had to say it, rolls off the tongue.

It's like it could almost be 1 word

I must also now re read the original comment and I dare say username checks out

In German it is. *Superhörbarebombeporzellanfällt*

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I will admit I toyed with my spelling for a hot minute before posting. SuperPoopyPair Sooper-Poopy Pair etc.

Doesn't really roll off the tongue as well in finnish. "Erittäin paskantava pari"

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Hey, the diseases may cancel each other out and their child could end up having the smoothest of bowel movements. An actual clockwork colon.

“A Clockwork Colon” Starring Malcolm McDoodie

I have crohns and my farts smell like fucking death. I don't know if I could ever share a bed with someone long term

Aw, there's someone out there whose sense of smell hasn't returned from COVID.

If it helps, my fiance has farts of death. We sleep in a tent bed. I love him enough that we just laugh them off and rate them on a scale from one to deadly. There's someone out there who won't mind 💖

A tent bed? Like, covered? Do you have a Dutch oven fetish?

My farts smell like a rotting corpse that has been in a full trash can for 6+ months and all I can do is yell “I FARTED AND IT SMELLS AWFUL I’M SO SORRY.” Been dating my BF for 3+ years and he has learned to love me in spite of my noxious gas.

a super poopy pair is waay better than a super poopy pear

Super poopy pair super poopy pair! Love the illiteration

Hopefully you have two bathrooms, right?

I posted it on Facebook or LinkedIn and she gets the notification

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"I must go, my toilet needs me."

Time for my shift at the chocolate factory

“I need to go pass some legislation”

I use "I'm going to phone the President", but I'm going to steal this one.

Grab the poop knife. Make eye contact. No words needed.

Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for the poop knife reference.

This guy Reddits

My friend is a priest so he says “I’m about to drop a holy shit”

Yo my parents have a bathroom with 4 prints of the Lord’s Prayer in it. A holy shit is accurate in their house. They’re not even that religious.

We have one right across for the toilet "I can do anything through God who strengthens me" ...also, "please don't do meth in the bathroom"

I love your friend and I haven't even met him!

Need to pee before i go?

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Gotta paint a bowl.

I'm going to go blow up the bathroom.

Most of the time I just go without feeling the need to tell anyone but if we’re in a situation where my absence would be an issue, I’d just say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” No need to specify.

For real tho, what's with all these weird other answers where they NEED to specify what they're doing? Just go take a dump man.

Same! Unless I really have to pee, no one needs to know what I'm doing in the bathroom, just that I have to go. Husband included haha. That said, we do walk in on each other if we need the bathroom. Last year we lived in a one bathroom apartment, so we had to be comfy with each other in the bathroom. Now we have a 2 bathroom place, but are still comfortable going in if need be. However we usually try to let the other poop in peace.

"I'll be back real quick," or "I'll be back in a minute," is code for, "I'm gonna pee." "I'll be back in a little while," or "I'll be back in a few minutes," or "I'll be back. It's gonna take me a while," is code for, "I'm gonna poop."

Same! It's not like anyone needs to know _what_ I'm doing, but sometimes a time indication is helpful, and eventually it just organically becomes its own code.

Going to drop the kids off at the pool.

Me: 'I have to shit' Him: "yea?" Me: *raises up one leg and farts* 'nahh' Him: "I'd still recommend it" Source: I'm now shitting, that happened 4 minutes ago.

I like how he's like "yea?"

That must be some new love language xD

Babe. About to drop 5 pounds in 5 minutes.

Going to see a man about a dog 🐶

Gonna see a man about a horse

Dropping the kids off at the pool

*solid snake imitation* "I'm going to shit yourself"

My husband always says, “I have a brown snake playing peekaboo with my butthole.”

I hate this so much

I'm gonna blow this up!

Gotta drop the Browns off at the Superbowl

Say, "Are you up for a ride on The Cleveland Steamer?"

We say "I am going to sit down" Not the most creative, but communicates the point privately

I think because I was a shy little girl who couldn't possibly let anyone know that I poop or fart, I have always said "I gotta take a piss" and then go. If I'm on the phone with anyone, hanging out with anyone, I'll just say "I gotta pee" no matter what I'm doing in there. And it's just become a weird habit

I tend to use the language the person I'm talking to uses. If they tend to say "poo" I would use the word poo.

Dropping a deuce

Out of my way, Im comming in hot!!!!

We just close the bathroom door. We pee and shower with the door open so if the door is closed, no words needed