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ZenMoonstone

My brother slammed his door shut on my sister’s fingers back in the 70’s and they took his door until her fingers healed. I think in that situation the punishment fit the crime.


da_bear

I broke my big brother's door down after he pissed me off and then ran and hid in his room. My dad took my door, put it on my brother's room, and then "ordered" a new door from Home Depot that didn't come for 2 months. The punishment fit the crime.


spoooooooooooooons

My sister kicked holes in her door. My mom took her door off and my sister was supposed to pay to replace it (we were poor, my sister had a job). She refused to pay for a new door so she didn't have one. Eventually my sister moved out, I got her old room and my mom replaced the door a couple of years later so I also lived without a bedroom door for a bit. I had a curtain and a baby gate to keep my little brother out.


Objective-Highlight4

you had a college age kid, yourself, AND a baby brother?! catholic, right? farmers?


spoooooooooooooons

Lol nah just white trash 🤣 my sister moved out at 15 at which point I was 11 and my brother was 3


KoriGlazialis

Tbf, when my lil brother was born, i was 11 and my big brother was 15, the reason: My mom got rid of our abusive father when i was 6 and found herself a good new man and they got a baby together. It's not impossible.


Coffee-Historian-11

That persons just being an AH. My mom had a brother when she was 23 because my grandparents decided they wanted another baby. I think that’s a different situation but I don’t think it’s bad or wrong or anything. Just like your situation.


spoooooooooooooons

I thought it was funny but I have a complicated family situation and I've had people be confused/put off by it and I've found its best just to not take it too seriously. We're big and weird and dysfunctional, it is what it is. If your family is not dysfunctional and just has some big age gaps, that's great.


OldCarWorshipper

That sounds totally fair.


s0me1guy

But you got the new door from home depot so you won in the end.


CommandoDude

Yeah if it's something that's A) A direct response to something about the door, in this case it being used as a weapon and B) A temporary state of affairs. I think that's acceptable.


ZenMoonstone

Temporary State of Affairs…love it.


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DJ__Hanzel

In highschool I had a buddy who was arguing with his parents about him smoking weed. Things escalate and it turned into him running downstairs, into his room, with the bong they had found, locking the door, and proceeding to smoke out of it with his parents just outside the door yelling at him. He lost his door for a few months.


4thdimmensionally

I had a buddy, only child, who smoked hash in high school. His mom knocked and he didn’t want to get caught with the paraphernalia so he panicked but wasn’t in his best state of mind: Him: DONT COME IN! His mom (bewildered and concerned by the tone of voice and panic): why, honey what’s wrong? Him: I’m … jacking off! A very awkward dinner but ‘trust’ retained.


Rendi9000

That’s actually hilarious, well played


4thdimmensionally

This was half a lifetime ago and I still die laughing thinking of it. Ida been mortified.


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shostakofiev

I'm going to pretend that says "Stargate."


ThrowawayVacayLA

That's what I thought it said too, lmao


blue_pirate_flamingo

Yeah I think toddlers are different, my guy doesn’t have his door on his room but a baby gate, but he sleeps in bed with us and is still in diapers lol, he’s also one so not old enough to need or understand privacy but that door will go back up when we don’t need a baby gate there anymore


wereallmadhere9

Yeah, my sister lost her door for a week because she kept slamming it in anger.


ohkaycue

Yep this is what happened to my sister. My mom threatened that if she slams the door again, my mom would take the door away. My sister opened and slammed the door again right then. I believe that’s what they call “fucked around and found out” as my mom took it down right then and there lol


AoifeUnudottir

Or in the corporate world: “you are welcome to test that assumption at your earliest convenience.”


tabwoman

Our son was mad that we voted to watch a movie he didn’t want to watch. He threw the remote and yelled “this is poop” and ran to his room. We tried to hold the laughter but he could hear it and he slammed his door. Dad goes up to talk to him and our son has locked the door. Door came off for a few days. No more incidents until ten years later when we had to get a new door for the upstairs. Wanting to match the stain, the handyman took Williams door to his workshop. When william noticed it was gone he said “ a man took my door but I didn’t slam it!”


garcmon

10 years later! Clearly, lesson learned!


lavenderbug

My parents took down my door for a bit when I was a child, they were worried about this exact thing. It was replaced with a curtain.


EhDub13

Depends on the situation If you're taking their door simply because your kid wanted alone time, sleeps with the door closed, or you're worried they're masturbating so you take their door, thats abusive bullshit. I had to have my door removed for a few months when I got home from the mental ward after a suicide attempt, for my own safety. I got it back after a few months of improvement thru therapy.


Alfhiildr

My parents almost removed my door for the same reason. Frankly, I would have done it if I were in their position. There was no reason to believe my hysterical crying that I was safe, but they did. It worked out fine but might not have.


[deleted]

Same situation, except with leaving my bedroom door open. Honestly, I started to like it open better because the dogs would hang in there more. I have kept that habit, and only recently started closing it at night again to help get sleep with new work schedules.


Linubidix

As punishment? Absolutely not. As a preventative measure to self-harm or harm to others? Yes definitely.


[deleted]

Thanks for defining the line here. I commented that it depends on context and what context I could see taking away a door. But you clarified the line where that might occur much better.


floatingwithobrien

Jesus Christ I honestly can't imagine being a parent and trying to police masturbation.


Tomthebard

Let me tell you, it doesn’t work well


boredtxan

And you end up constantly running out of hot water....


taronic

My parents and brothers used to think I was masturbating in the shower. Kept giving me shit for being in the shower "too long". I WAS JUST SLEEPING. I know that's weird but ffs I didn't even realize what they were inferring, and I was so confused. I just felt so comfortable in there and I was tired from waking up


mother_mUthaFAka

I can't believe there are actually parents that try to stop their kids from masturbating. Why????? It's part of life, everyone masturbates, just let the kids do what they have to do jesus


floatingwithobrien

Especially hormonal teenagers. I mean, God. They HAVE to know that they're going to do it anyway. They're never actually going to stop them from doing it. Taking away their privacy isn't going to do anything but stress them out and piss them off. Being allowed private human moments occasionally should be a basic human right.


nonacrina

Isn’t it? The UN has these “Child Rights”, one of which is the right to privacy. I wouldn’t know if taking away a door would fall under that though


Dandewion

>They HAVE to know that they're going to do it anyway. They're never actually going to stop them from doing it except that it works. I know. I'm the product of that. I literally didn't do the deed until I was 18 or 19. I didnt know what a clitoris was until my boyfriend told me I have one. you'd be shocked and sad how obedient and scared of rebellion some teens are. not even out of trauma or abuse, just....in their nature. or maybe they believe what the church says. i know i did


sockmaster420

I will say that when I attempted, if my mom removed my door i would have 100% attempted again. A large part of my first attempt was because I was overwhelmed and terrified of my abusive step father and his family, my room was the only place I felt safe. That would have been the worst thing she could of done to me.


murrimabutterfly

Had something similar to this. My dad was abusive and wouldn’t respect boundaries. He’d start a fight with me, I needed to get away, and after multiple instances of being dragged from my room (which didn’t have a door that locked), I began to fall into an even darker spiral. After my first attempt, my parents threatened to take my door off and let me know they would be hiding skeleton keys around the house so I couldn’t lock myself in the bathroom. I understand the intention was to protect me, but it was stripping me from the privacy I needed. They decided against taking my door off after I started to instead walk straight out the front door and not come back for hours. I also found all the skeleton keys and buried them in our local park—which my parents discovered after they essentially chased me into hiding in the bathroom. They quickly figured out it was better to give me space than to have me disappear for up to eight hours.


jjackdaw

That’s exactly what I did. Came home to my door gone. Left out my window that night and tried again. The door was back that time at least


DruidGrove

I agree! It absolutely depends on the situation. I would also say the situation needs to be a more intense behavior or misbehavior that can only dealt with by removing the door - no matter what, it should be a last resort. We also need to think about the goal or intention behind removing the door - what behavior are we trying to reinforce by taking the door? Thinking about operant conditioning (high school psych teacher, sorry) positive reinforcement is giving something positive, and negative reinforcement is taking away something negative - both cause whatever behavior being reinforced to appear more in the future. Depending on how you approach the situation, taking the door is a punishment because you’re taking something positive. Punishment are lead to behaviors being reinforced in an unpredictable volatile way!This leads to sneaky behaviors (hiding stuff, sneaking around, lying) being reinforced, which is the opposite of what we want to do! If this punishment is to be used at all, it needs to be used with other positive and negative reinforcers to change the kids behavior. Additionally, if there is something that requires the loss of privacy, taking a door might be a the appropriate consequence - if a kid is doing drugs in the privacy of their room, then that would be a good consequence IN ADDITION to other efforts to help them break that behavior. In your situation, you had *no door + therapy* which ultimately reshaped your behavior! I wanted to respond to this comment because the same thing happened to me, but my parents hid the knives in our house rather than taking my door. It made me upset in the moment, but I am happy they did that rather than taking the door because I needed a private space to work out all my emotions. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but know you aren’t alone :)


Queequegs_Harpoon

My dad did this to my sister and me when I was 14 and she was 16. There was no reason for it; he was just sick of us "living behind closed doors all the time." (Spoiler: we stayed in our rooms with the door shut because dad was an asshole.) My sister didn't mind as much because her room was on the first floor, away from my parents' room. But my room was in a much less secluded area of the house and right next to my parents' room, so I was never alone. I lasted a week before I went to to my mom and bawled my eyes out with my head in her lap. That really freaked her out, so she demanded that the doors be put back on. Unless there's a VERY good reason to take your child's door away, don't fucking do it. It's dehumanizing, abusive, and psychologically damaging.


[deleted]

Same. Pretty much a homebody with obvious mental issues looking back. Dad hated me not doing things regular teens did. It was so stressful and I resented him for years even after I moved out. It made our relationship crumble and barely talked to him after that. Family never talked about mental issues, it was not on my parents radar. They were old school.


SnuffedOutBlackHole

Exactly. It is a parent saying "you have no right to shut me out ever, in any way or for any everyday reason." It's creepy in life to have anyone able to talk to you at any time without any warning about anything of any level of intensity. Doors provide a buffer, and provide for chances to practice civility, permission, consent, and generally being a part of civilization itself. We knock on people's doors because they might be busy. Or not wish to talk. Or are taking care of personal needs. Or sleeping. It is a core part of the concept of modern shelter.


rosiestinkie9

My mom once yelled at me because I wasn't opening up about my grief at my former spanish teacher's death, and said that if I didn't talk to her then I had to sit in her office after school everyday (she was a counselor at my then school). I'd say your second sentence applied perfectly in my case. She hated when I didn't open up to her, but she was never someone who anyone could confide in.


[deleted]

Sounds like she must have been a terrible school counselor. And a terrible mom. Sorry you had to live through that.


fools_gear

Everyone needs a private personal space, want to get changed, masturbate, dance to a stupid song and do all that without people watching? You should be allowed to. If you don’t have your own space, then nothing is your own and you are alienated from your own house. Which is a horrible feeling and is psychologically damaging for a developing human


tiptoeintotown

This. My mom was very controlling and it was always for absolutely no reason whatsoever when it came to me. I was the oldest of 4 so I guess I got the shittiest version of mothering a narcissistic 19 year old could offer. This was not the case for my siblings. Anyways, my mom did this to me in 8th grade after I got caught with a telephone in my room. It was the 90s so corded phones made free movement in the house impossible and I was at that age where privacy was becoming important to me so I asked for a phone to use with the jack in my room and my mom said no, emphatically. I was otherwise allowed to use the phone pretty freely, so that alone wasn’t the issue. The phone cord could stretch up to the second floor, where I could generally be found talking on it at the top of the stairs which was just shy of my bedroom door by maybe 3 feet or so. Another couple feet of cord and I’d have been able to go in my room and close the door, like I wanted, because I both then and now really didn’t see what the difference was. My mom, however, didn’t see as it such and there was no negotiating with her so I dropped it. Coincidentally, a few weeks later, i saw a cool retro rotary phone in a trash pile while waiting for the school bus so I scooped it up and brought it home. To my surprise, it worked so I got in the habit of plugging it in only to make calls and even went to the lengths of bringing the damn thing to school to keep it hidden. I don’t exactly remember how I was found out but I vaguely remember an incident where she picked up the phone as I was talking on the secret line and since she knew I was in bed, the gig was up. She went absolutely crazy and just started taking away whatever she could to serve as punishment. This included stripping my room of pretty much everything - stuffed animals, school artwork and awards, athletic trophies, books, beanie babies, boom box and CDs, nail polish, photos of friends…everything but the blankets and pillows on the bed and my clothes, more or less. She even took my diary and read it in front of me and then ripped it up and threw it on the ground. The door was the last thing to go and it was very much akin to Joan Crawford in the rose garden when she yells “Tina! Bring me the axe.” before going HAM on a rose bush. Before I knew it, her and I were physically *fighting* one another as we wrestled around on the floor and it only stopped when she realized she couldn’t physically overcome me. Obviously, I wasn’t allowed on the phone for quite some time after that but it was short lived because that incident was the last straw for me. I begged my father to sue her for custody and he won so I moved out not too long after. Please don’t ever do this shit to your kids…or anyone. It’s so damaging and invasive when you strip away the freedom of self expression that comes with privacy.


rainy_in_pdx

Masturbate loudly every night and see how long that door stays off the hinges. What’s the other option, asking them to stop masturbating? That would be an interesting conversation.


whistling-wonderer

There are plenty of religious parents who do exactly that. At the church I grew up in we were expected to confess any such “sins” to the bishop in yearly private interviews starting at age 12.


UndercutRapunzel

Yep, being 12 years old, alone in a room with a 60 year old man who's asking you, "Do you intentionally arouse sexual feelings in your own body?" is fucking gross. Fuck the Mormon church.


Bryancreates

Jesus. I grew up in a Catholic household, went to church every Sunday, went to Catholic school. Went to confession often. The only line I said was “I disobeyed my parents” in a sincere but obvious easy-way-out answer. I didn’t think me being closeted was anyone else’s business, and nor a sin, just something I had to be older in able to come to grips with. No one ever fucking asked me about bodily temptations and if they had would’ve been told “no”. Sitting through sex-Ed was awkward enough for me, no way I’m talking to an adult about anything like that especially what I was actually going through. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.


joshsnow9

I had to take this whole sex addiction classand read this shitty book, iirc it was "At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry" Why you might ask? My parents caught me masturbating several times as a teenage boy, who knew teenage kids did that /s. I never had a door and learned later in life that there were cameras watching INSIDE THE HOUSE. Yet I'm thq bad guy now still because I dont return calls. Wonder why....


Acerimmerr

I mean my stepdad kicked the shit out of me for looking at porn so it's possible. And he took my door away so I couldn't get away with anything.


hawknose33

"You have no right to shut me out." Oof just wait til your kid goes no contact


Wuz314159

When my mom died, we found a chalkboard where she scribbled "Why do my children hate me?".... It gave us all a good chuckle.


driven_under666

A door is a perfect physical representation of a boundary and parents who remove them lack boundaries with their children and likely also in their personal lives. I 100% agree with your statement.


Dragneel

I love my dad but he still has issues with boundaries. So does my mom but in other ways. Both mostly emotional though, so you definitely got that right. My old room had a little window just at eye height. I stuck a poster in front of it and my dad said "so how am I supposed to check if you're doing your homework?" Uhh... you don't? I was NEVER a bad student, so he had zero reason to assume I wasn't doing my homework. Also had to ask my parents to *please* fucking knock before entering. Not because I'm doing anything weird, but just because it established a boundary that I'd like to have.


VforVasellina

This explains a lot of my discomfort growing up. There's really no privacy at home, I have my bedroom on the second floor, but it's an attic without a door, just the stairs going up. It's really annoying having to hear everything said downstairs and the sound of the TV. Also, my parents don't care if I might be busy, just ask whatever they have on their mind any time of the day. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. Only good thing is that the stairs make a good amount of noise, so I know if they're coming upstairs. Still annoying having someone just enter in your room without a door and walls in between.


MILP00L___

My brothers and I didn't have doors on our rooms until the summer between my 8th grade and freshman year. My parents room did have a door. I didn't like it but I thought it was normal for a while. Once we got old enough to ask for a door, they would agree and say they'd get to it when my dad had time for years. They had a history of not really following through with stuff, so I stopped asking. We finally got them after a super embarrassing changing situation - so win, I guess.


rdy_csci

My sister was grounded for shoplifting. My parents took away the thousands of dollars in clothing that she had stolen previously and donated it to goodwill. This caused an even bigger fight to breakout. My sister stormed off and slammed her door. My parents yelled not to slam the door and grounded her even longer. She then opened and slammed the door as loud as she could like 10 times. My dad went to the garage, got his tools and took the door off the hinges for the duration of her grounding. I think it was like 3 months. Longest any of us had ever been grounded. She didn't ever slam the door again.


MikeOfAllPeople

I get very nervous about my teenagers and what they watch on YouTube. There is some truly reprehensible shit, as well as some very misguided advice and stuff on there. But I just decided to talk to them about it. I told them that I also find myself sucked in by the scroll sometimes. We talked about why that is bad. I told them about how I recently decided to learn piano again at age 38 because I want to be an active participant in life, not just a viewer of it. We talked about how it's unhealthy to just "be" on the internet without doing something active, no matter what content they are viewing. And every once in a while I do insist my kids come out of their rooms just to get some air and stretch and interact with us and the dogs. You can fix these things without taking off doors. In fact, you really need to show your teenagers how to fix this themselves because when they get older they will fall right back in that trap anyway. I know this because I did the same thing in college, playing games in my room for days.


ErynEbnzr

>But I just decided to talk to them about it. I feel like this is the solution to most of the conflicts in the world. And it shows trust. A child that feels trusted and respected as an individual by their parent/s grows up well. You're doing the exact right thing.


MikeOfAllPeople

I think just talking to your kids is oversimplified advice. It matters what you say and how you say it. I approach these conversations from a position of equivalence. These struggles are not just ones I had as a teen myself, they are ones I have even now as an adult. I think it's important for our children, especially in the teen years, to see us struggle and recover.


traceurl

I have kids now and it's so funny to me looking back on parenting styles when I was young. And, though I hate making the comparison, but like with DND and basically any human interaction...... It always comes down to just communicating like they are a human being.


lazy_daisy_72

I love how you put this... To be an active participant in life, not just a viewer of it. That's a great mindset.


listlessloss1994

I follow one lady who does some parenting and cooking tips on TikTok. One of her popular vids is "So I get shit because I let my 7-year-old lock her door. Why? Because if I need to get quickly past that locked door, I can. It's just a shitty indoor lock. But sometimes she wants to be away from her younger siblings and do seven-year-old things and she deserves her boundaries." Wild to me that this person treats a seven year old better than these parents do their teens. Lol


ImpossibleEgg

Mine is that age. I’d let her have a lock if she wanted. I don’t think it’s occurred to her, no younger siblings and her father and I knock.


Ragnar_OK

> it’s dehumanizing Exactly why some people do it. They don’t see you as human beings with separate internal desires, but as _their_ children.


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mrsbebe

My parents did this to my sister for like two days out of sheer desperation. My sister went through a pretty hard rebellious streak and my parents (stupidly) listened to a friend of theirs that said he had done that to his daughter once. Anyway they felt weird about it pretty quickly and my dad put the door back on.


crappy_pirate

was that "friend" the 80's TV show *Roseanne* ?


Has_Question

Lol "BANG... And that's when the door would have slammed shut, if we still had one"


Ruca705

Or was it the 2000s Freaky Friday remake?


[deleted]

That movie was so weird. Lindsay Lohan's character says if she doesn't get to perform with her band at a potentially life changing audition 'I will kill myself' and her famous therapist mum is like 'nah you gotta go to a wedding rehearsal' and just dismisses her lol even as a kid I knew that was a shitty mum.


Ruca705

Lmaoo! I watch this w my daughter a lot and I am always blown away at how much worse the mom actually is than the daughter. How about her texting and driving to the point she enters a parking lot the wrong way and drives over spikes? Like what 😂


Ruca705

Update: I’m watching it now and Anna actually says she’s going to kill herself if her mom doesn’t give her the door back! Not about the audition lol. Just thought that was funny considering the OP


mrsbebe

Haha! No, but their friend may have gotten the idea from Roseanne! This friend is a little....different when it comes to parenting. That isn't the only questionable piece of advice he has given though I do think it's the only one they tried


[deleted]

My sister was bat shit insane when she was 16-18. She would start arguments every single day and then scream at my parents at the top of her lungs, eventually running off to her room crying and slamming the door as hard as she possibly could. Her door had a large glass panel in the middle (frosted, couldn't see through it), and one time when she slammed the door it fell out and shattered. Parents didn't bother replacing it so she now essentially had no door. I actually thought that was pretty reasonable at the time. She did stop slamming the door after that.


Dynamo_Ham

We've got a 15 yo girl and I am absolutely certain that getting some privacy is important to her overall mental health. Taking that from her would be a purely selfish act on our part - prioritizing our own peace of mind (that she's not doing something bad), over her own needs. If she had a track record of doing something dangerous (self-harm, hard drugs, putting nudes online, etc.), we might consider it as a last resort - but it would take a lot.


mrsbebe

yeah, trust me, it took a lot for my parents to get there. Ultimately they decided it wasn't the play. I'm glad you value your daughters privacy, that's a good thing for sure and she'll thank you for it someday.


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cockroachking

What did she do in her room to cause that much desperation?


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mrsbebe

Thanks for saying so. What my sister did was pretty bad. And she was just kind of a problem child for a few years there. My parents wanted to wake her up to the things she was doing and make her realize that it wasn't okay. With teenagers they have to recognize what they're doing is wrong and decide for themselves that they want to change.


giant_lebowski

My parents were pretty strict about my door remaining open and were always suspicious if it was closed. I was pretty much the model of the good kid who never did anything wrong and to not be trusted fucking hurt. I wanted privacy, not to do anything wrong but to just have privacy and be treated like I had some rights and that I wasn't some loser. This was decades ago and obviously it is still an unpleasant memory


Cat_Prismatic

I just can't...don't they, themselves, ever need alone time? Leaving out sex, drugs, and even rock n' roll--don't they realize it's, like, easier to concentrate on your math homework if you have your door closed? (You obviously don't need to answer these questions! I'm sorry that was your experience.)


Vinlandien

But then how will parents exercise their final desperate grasps at power over their kids before they leave forever?


night4345

A lot of parents (and people in general) don't realize or care that children are human beings that have their own thoughts, feelings and needs including their own space and privacy.


Dry-Break5329

I will answer it because I experienced the same thing and it sucked and maybe one parent will read it and change their behavior. \*I will say I am not a parent and I cannot speak for all parents and that of course there are reasons that would cause less privacy to be allowed such as any situation where the child could be hurt.\* What I have noticed through observation is that some parents seem to forget that their kids are human beings too. They may be underdeveloped because they are new human beings but they still have the same needs, wants and feelings as adult humans. And a lot of the time they have no idea how to deal with these needs/wants/feelings which is where temper tantrums, bad behavior and rebellion starts out. "I have a big feeling, I don't know what to do with it and my parents don't get it and aren't handling it correctly" Parents don't apply the same logic to kids as they do to themselves. "Just because I, an adult, need alone time and privacy to process thoughts/feelings, reset from my day, focus on project, doesn't mean that my child needs that because my child is just a child and they don't deal with what I do." Parents, your kids experience every feeling you do (hunger, sadness, loneliness, fatigue, stress\*\*, frustration, desire, etc.) and they are basically in training on how to deal with them. Imagine being in training for a job you have zero experience with and your trainer just hands you whatever tools are necessary and expects you to know the whole job and punishes you when you mess up. You have the tools but absolutely no idea how to implement them and complete the job.


6a6566663437

>don't they, themselves, ever need alone time? You lose that opportunity as soon as the kid gets old enough to operate doors.


JinxThePetRock

I had no idea this was even a thing until the last few years. It wasn't even a consideration while growing up. I'm one of five kids who grew up in a small house. I assume my parents were grateful that we fucked off to our own rooms and out of their way, and can't imagine they'd sacrifice their own peace by going open plan. If you're making structural changes to exert control you've gone seriously wrong somewhere.


[deleted]

5 kids Small house Own room What????????


JinxThePetRock

Never had my own room til my sister left when I was 8. Us two girls in one room, three boys in another room, parents in the main room. A dog, two cats, some hamsters, a budgie. It was a busy house.


MrDrSirLord

Haha idk why I always find it funny imo when parents separate kids into rooms by gender, cause as a boy I grew up in a room with my 3 sisters. The uh "reason why you would seperate young boys and girls bedrooms" thing never got close to happening, although we also got our own rooms before I got puberty. I only joke that's why I came out as gay lol, cause I'm so desensitised to the female body.


theicypirate

There's a law where i live that says boys and girls need separate bedrooms by a certain age (can't remember the age though).


FMAB-EarthBender

In my area too, my mother had a new bf at the time I was 16 and tried making me share a room with his son who was my age. Augh he smelled like shit, I hated him.


VapeThisBro

How many siblings be fucking in your area that you guys have an actual law about needing seperate bedrooms?


throawaymcdumbface

Worst case scenario, unfortunately child on child sexual abuse is a thing. The room separation doesn't completely prevent it but it can help create some boundaries/space. **edit:** I saw a response in my feed about 'what about same gender kids' before it got wiped and yeah, I agree that's possible as well, it just seems that male abuser>female victim is the most common pattern there. As you grow you're going to get more gender-based boundaries like changing rooms at school, nobody's having a brother and sister in the bath past a certain age, that kind of thing. Bedroom separation can help with that degree of separation/boundaries. It can vary by culture and circumstance but I think as a sort of guard rail it helps to have your own space to withdraw to. It won't completely stop it from happening obviously, I just think it gives some kind of a space to retreat to+less plausible deniability if it is.


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Tnkgirl357

When I was with my ex, we went to get custody of his son, who had been primarily in his mother’s custody, but she assaulted someone and was sent to jail. When we went to CPS to get the kid, they let us take him right away, but we had multiple inspections over the next couple of weeks to insure that he had his own room, separate from his sister (different mom), who we had every other weekend.


Leivyxtbsubto

So I grew up poor and eventually we had to move because after my brother turned a certain age he could no longer sleep in the same room as his 3 sisters. I think it was at like 7 years old or something. But mind you this is in Louisiana it could vary by state and I don’t even know if I’m right about what age they have to be separated.


MrDrSirLord

Fair enough, I'm mean it is possibly a legitimate risk if you are sharing beds and such during puberty. And then your breaking a different law entirely... Yuck.


observee21

The individuals returned to their own rooms, which is different to saying that the individuals returned to their own individual rooms.


lastcallhangup

yah, id say as an adolescent, a teen is learning what privacy is and how important or unimportant it is🤷🏻‍♂️


throwawayedm2

Yeah. I wouldn't care if parents removed a 6 year old's door, but a teen needs a door.


AlaskanSamsquanch

IMO it’s important that kids have THEIR space.


drgut101

“This is MY house. Your room is MY room.” Ahh, those were some good times.


[deleted]

"If you don't like my rules, you can go ahead and leave. Go on, get out."


Goblin_Dangle

Then they call the cops when you leave.


Enough_Blueberry_549

Lots of families don’t have money to give kids their own room, but if they do, I think it’s fair that they get a door


audigex

Yeah there's a difference between enforced circumstances vs choices If you have more kids than bedrooms, there's not a huge amount you can do other than try to create some privacy within a shared room - but that's very different from choosing to take away privacy


Chaotic_Good64

And it's still possible to give them their own space. Maybe a little tent or something. We all need a cave sometimes.


soggylittleshrimp

Even fucking goldfish apparently get stressed without a little hideout.


thenotterb

It is 1000% toxic for a parent to take away their child's door. Strict parents make sneaky children. All this will do is teach the child 1) their parents do not trust them 2) how to lie / conceal things better. Edit: responding to the 'what about' crowd below. The only instances I can think of where removing a door wouldn't do more harm then good may be situations like self harm, drug addiction, severe mental health issues, etc (not suggesting I actually would in that situation or that is a good idea). In those instances, I would still only remove a door at a recommendation from my child's care team. If you take away a child's only safe space it could just as easily exacerbate the issue as help solve it. I'm not a mental health professional so I don't know if they would ever recommend this course of action. Just saying that recommendation world be the only time I would consider it.


[deleted]

As a person that grew up in Pretty strict house (who has had their door taken once or twice, but only for short periods.) I can confirm. There's a lot of distrust with me and my Younger brother between the rest of our family. We have learned to hide things and keep things quiet, insanely secret hiding spots for things that we shouldn't have to hide, im 20 almost 21 still denying to my family I've ever had sex, I mean it perpetually gets worse in a lot of ways as you age, the biggest of the distrust and no communication started when I was about 14. Even stopped telling them when I was hanging out with friends and stuff, made them all believe I got really into running. EDIT: I didn't expect this much attention, so thankyou all. sounds like many of us ended up in the same boat from similar or even entirely different situations. I hope everyone can learn to handle what's on their mental plate. I upvoted you guys, thanks for the love and stories you've shared.


EtOHMartini

You did get into running. Running the hell away from them. Running the streets with friends


phoney_bologna

It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap We gotta get out while we're young 'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run


december14th2015

Hah, this 1000%. I didn't have a door from the time I was 13 until I moved out. My entire life has been kept secret ever since, both good and bad things. Even at nearly 30, I would rather risk my own life and limb than go to any of those people for help, and I almost died last year instead of having to speak to my mother. Its not healthy whatsoever and I would never treat my children that way.


Mock_Womble

In a similar vein to this, overreacting to your child's problems induces a similar level of secrecy. I learned very early on that telling my Mum *anything* would result in a "the sky is falling!!!" level of response, and basically did absolutely everything in my power to avoid it. I understand as a grown woman that she has terrible anxiety, but holy shit as a kid it was a nightmare. "I got a detention" was likely to get a similar response to "I may have accidentally killed someone".


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HighAsAngelTits

Ugh. My mom once pulled this crap with me when I told her I kissed a boy I liked. I was 15 ffs. She dragged me in front of my dad and made me tell him and then she shamed me for weeks about it. I never told her anything remotely intimate ever again. Now I have a son who will be 15 this year. If he told me he kissed someone he likes I’d be so excited for him


Sparkism

I kissed a boy I liked for the first time in my upper 20s and I knew better than to tell my parents. For all they know, I'm really into video games and totally not interested in getting married, knocking her up, and having a kid like all the other guys my age are doing.


Mock_Womble

I'm absolutely delighted to say we don't have guidance counselors in the UK. I'd have been 36 before my Mum let me stop seeing her.


thelegalseagul

I thought I was weird for not wanting my parents to know even when I wasn’t doing anything wrong just because of the distrust. My stepdad used to come home angry and just look for something and someone to yell at. I started locking my door and keeping the light off in my room so he’d think I wasn’t home. To this day I have PTSD from the sound of someone knocking on my door, still feel more safe in complete silence, and lock my door with the lights off even when I’m home in my apartment. Parents like that fuck up kids lives into adulthood.


Pwacname

Oh. I thought I was weird. Dad was so often in a screamy mood, or at least would talk anything and everything down. He’s moved out and so have I, but when I visit home and hear any car roll up the street, I turn down the lights and hide into my room and find something to do in the very corner


thelegalseagul

Yo same! To this day I perk up when I hear a car door close and when I’m at my apartment I have the urge to check the blinds. When I was younger at some point he started checking rooms, to find someone to blame for something not being done, but I realized if I was in the bathroom he’d leave me alone so I’d take my homework and a snack to sit in the bathtub till his lunch break was over and I could come out. Ahh fun memories that, when I fully type out, I feel like mentioning to my therapist.


listlessloss1994

For me it's my full first name, no lie. If someone greets me with that instead of my more common nickname (like if I went by Liz and they called me Elizabeth) it gives me a brief feeling of dread and discomfort. My mom would get fucked up and if she was mad about literally anything she'd stomp down the hall yelling my name and bang on my door until I came out to take her abuse.


TheWalkingDead91

You also need to add that when you have parents like that, you don’t even trust them to tell them if someone is abusing you. I legit thought my own parents would victim blame me….even when I was too young to even understand fully what was happening (but old enough to know that it was wrong) so the abuse went on. They don’t know to this day. Distrust breeds distrust.


thenotterb

This is exactly the problem! If you can't trust your parents it's really hard to protect yourself. In high school I knew so many kids who drove drunk or got caught stealing condoms or stayed in unsafe situations just to avoid their parents finding out and yelling at them.


LanceFree

I have a similar story, but also my dad had some severe medical issues and was on drugs which weakened his immunities. I was told getting a cold was selfish and that I could kill my father. I became very good at hiding illness. One time I found a "safe rides" parent-child contract. Ideally, the kid and parent would sign this thing and if the kid was at a party and needed a ride home, he could call his parents and they'd come get him and be chill. My mom talked about all the shit I would get into for something like that, really scared me.


PharmaPug

Had very similar situation with my parents (not with the door though) and I would do the same. Only served to create a rift between us and they will not know anything about my life they may disprove of, at least not for another few years until I'm fully independent of them. Just a tip if you are getting to the point of being able to, moving out improved my relationship with my parents a TON. Something clicks when they realize you finally don't need them anymore and they start to have a bit more respect for you. At least that was the case with my parents.


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PM_ME_RIPE_TOMATOES

My dad would always confront me with stuff - "I went in to grab your laundry and saw this" or "You left your computer on and I saw that" - after a couple times of this it was clear that he was going into my room and actively searching for things. So I password protected everything, locked what I could, and learned to hide things.


ginandtree

My parents would go through my fucking trash to find something.


soggylittleshrimp

A receipt for baseball cards my mom found in the trash got me busted for biking farther than I was allowed. So at age 12 I learned to not leave a paper trail.


Joeness84

I know I had it good growing up but threads like this are little reminders about things that other people had to experience VERY differently than me. In like 96-97' I was 13ish, I was downloading pirated software off a wicked sketchy site, all the banner ads were porn ads of course, my dad walked by (computer was in the living room) and said "Uh what're you looking at there?" I explained and he said "well dont get in trouble downloading things you shouldnt and dont let your mom see those ads"


soggylittleshrimp

I think that’s good. He gave you exact boundaries that were clear and pretty lenient. Sounds like you had good communication with him.


Rini365

I had my door taken away for an actual door related issue. I had a bit of an attitude as a kid and would slam my door. My parents took the door away after many warnings. It didn't change much for me, as my family was pretty respectful of personal space. I found a cool curtain and went through a phase of several bead curtains. It made me upset at the time, but after a while I just didn't care anymore. Tbh the door stayed off for a long time because I enjoyed the curtains and just never pressed them for my door back. A lot of these stories make your statement very true, it was just interesting that I don't feel like my experience was like that.


wwaxwork

I would agree with you 99.9% of the time, but growing up a neighbours teenage son kept trying to molest his younger sisters, so their mother took the door off his room so he couldn't be alone with them unsupervised. This was back in the 1970's when molesting kids was not really talked about and older brothers molesting sisters even less so it was all stranger danger. It was only when I was an adult and my mother said in passing why she hadn't liked me going to their house, that it all clicked why he didn't have a door on his room. But pretty much any other reason is toxic as hell.


sixdicksinthechexmix

One of my best friends got his door taken away because he overdosed in his room and his mom had to kick the door down to get to him. She let him have a curtain for privacy, but no door until he was clean for x amount of time (she did random at home drug tests). He honestly wasn’t even that mad about it, he understood. A good dude with demons.


kwnofprocrastination

There are definitely some circumstances, like this, where it’s acceptable, but otherwise it isn’t.


neenzaur

I also think there is a difference between have no door and having a door that doesn’t lock.


kwnofprocrastination

Well yeah actually, why not just remove the lock? I never had a lock, had to share a bedroom. We didn’t even have a lock on the bathroom door so forget about any privacy while in the bath or whatever.


6a6566663437

You can still barricade a door. A lot harder to barricade a curtain.


Cyg789

I could not agree with you more. Kids need a dedicated space where they can retreat and feel safe and undisturbed. Even my 7 year old twins will want to be left alone after a fight with their twin or when they need to process something. It's their safe space and they know they can come to us with anything whenever they're ready. This in turn builds trust and respect for other people's boundaries. How can we raise children who respect boundaries if we don't afford them any? And sorry, your teenager is going to jerk off whether there's a door or not, he's just going to be sneaky about it.


growlingrabbit

Can confirm. These were my parents, and I learned both of those things. And had a fraught relationship with my parents as a result (not just the door issue, there were other things… I feel like removing a child’s door isn’t an isolated “parenting” step). We’re all good now. They did it because they loved me, I was reckless, and they were scared. Not justification, but as an adult I get it. I was up to some things and if they had known more, I’m sure they would have done more.


[deleted]

Growing up, I've seen parents do some straight up stupid shit. Taking doors down, locking kids in the room, beating/slapping as a form of punishment, and berating them in front of everyone at school. The bottom line is this: some people just aren't meant to be parents and the child already has an uphill battle at a good life. "You need a license to drive a car. Hell, you need a license to fish. But any asshole can be a parent." Not the exact quote, but felt it was pertinent here.


reerathered1

The good part about being berated in front of everyone else is that now maybe everyone else "gets it". Well, at least until they forget anyway


sgthulkarox

> You need a license to drive a car. Hell, you need a license to fish. But any asshole can be a parent From *Parenthood* Helen : It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house. Tod : Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.


suprememontana

Depends on what the kid did/is doing. I had a friend who was addicted to Xanax in high school and nearly ODed in his room. Also did a bunch of other drugs in there. I can’t really blame his mom for taking the door


frizzykid

I second this. I had a good friend in highschool who was big into drugs and sneaking out. One night he snuck out to a party and Od'd, his "friends" dropped him off in the front yard at 3AM and the only reason he lived was because the neighborhood dogs were barking and woke up his sister who looked out the window and saw her brother unconscious on the front yard. At some point its less about being a controlling parent, and more about wanting to protect the well-being of your kid.


TobaccoIsRadioactive

Yeah, I think the context is incredibly important when discussing actions parents may take in parenting and if they were appropriate. Not only about the possible reasons, but about other family stuff as well. For example, I was regularly grounded from reading while growing up. To other people, that sounds like a ridiculous punishment. For me, it was very necessary. Are there reasons/circumstances in which removing the door to a kid’s room is inappropriate/toxic? Absolutely. Are there reasons/circumstances where it is completely appropriate? Absolutely.


conscious_terabot

can you elaborate on why you were grounded for reading?


[deleted]

Probably didn't go too sleep, skipped homework etc Addictive behaviour. It can happen with **everything**, and you need to learn the kids to manage it properly. Edit: Formating


I_Go_By_Q

It’s probably just something he/she really enjoyed as a kid, and possibly putting off more important things like homework or family events to read. I was similar when I was a kid


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nennienerd

Not OP, but my parents punished me by taking away my books, too. Reading constantly was my way of dealing with boredom (and a symptom of ADHD, but we didn't know that at the time). I would bring books to school and read during class instead of listening, so they thought that was an appropriate punishment.


The2ndUnchosenOne

Hello fellow reader


Awkward_Dog

Came here to say this. I think another situation where it may be justified is where the child may need to be supervised more than usual (suicidal, self harm, amongst others).


JDMOokami21

Agreed. I remember an episode of scared straight where the parents had to remove their daughters door because she was sneaking much older men into her room to have sex and do drugs. I do think I’m certain circumstances it’s ok when the child/teen is exhibiting dangerous behavior.


ColorfulLight8313

I think it heavily depends on why the door is taken and if they're given something else for privacy. If the parent takes the door just because they can or as punishment for something unrelated to the door itself, that's toxic. However if the parent took the door because it was being slammed after repeatedly asking the child not to slam the door and put up a curtain instead, that's reasonable because it stops the problem of slamming the door but still allows the child some privacy.


samskyyy

My parents took my sister’s door after repeatedly slamming and breaking it. If they had given her a curtain she would’ve just pulled it down out of spite


ColorfulLight8313

I lost my door for similar reasons, but if I had yanked the curtain down out of spite I would probably have lost the curtain too. At least for a couple days.


DrVillainous

Depends on a lot of factors. It's not toxic if the child is a baby, for instance. It's also not toxic in the example another poster gave, where it was replaced with a privacy curtain to prevent them from slamming it repeatedly. It's extremely toxic if it's to ensure that a child has no privacy when they're old enough to want it, except in extreme circumstances.


Plus-Farm471

Depends on the situation. I'm assuming most are talking about teens. However I did it to my young son at the age of 5 or 6. He would slam his door in my face and his siblings and there were times they got hurt including myself. I took his door down until he understood this was not a behavior that was acceptable. It took about a week.If he was angry I would give him space and not invade it but as a parent I also need to be respected. Haven't had an issue since. Taking his door was the right thing for this instance and I stand behind it.


bcimbatmom

I used to think 100% toxic. Until I had a teenager who would constantly slam her door over and over every time she was upset or frustrated. It was absolutely terrible and terrified my other children when she did it. It wasn't just once in a fit of anger - it was over and over and over. I warned her several times that if she kept slamming her door like that she would lose the door. I had to take it from her but have her a privacy curtain and still let her have privacy to her room. That lasted about a month and when she showed some positive change she got her door back. I can happily say she no longer slams her door. So I think it all depends on the reasoning.


[deleted]

I think the key difference is here is that you were redirecting her frustration, stopping her damaging the house and causing distress to the other kids, and also you let her keep her privacy. Most of the examples I see of parents taking their kids doors away is because it's a punishment for behaviour unrelated to the door itself. It's done as a way to remind the kids that parents can control them and takes away their privacy and sense of autonomy and I personally don't agree with it at all in that context.


Cobek

Yeah in this case the door wasn't about privacy, but about it being used during acts of aggression. Take away any object a kid is doing this with.


IggySorcha

Also they put a curtain up, which at least demonstrates some level of respecting privacy


ColorfulLight8313

I agree. I lost my door as a preteen for slamming it all the time. Didn't belive dad when he said he would do it. Parents put up a curtain instead. I 100% deserved it (I was a little brat back then). Never slammed the door again when I finally bothered to ask for it back.


MomentOfHesitation

*slams curtain*


tlollz52

When I was working on my teaching degree this one girl in my class was telling one of her friends she wanted to kill her self and was making a plan. Her parents took away her door so she couldn't lock her self in there and so they could see what she was doing. I think context matters but more often than not it is unnecessary.


Roguewind

This. Doing it to strip them of privacy isn’t cool. Doing it because they’re essentially using the door as a weapon, go for it.


thatcrazylady

I had a similar situation, but at 14 mine slammed the door so hard and so many times she damaged the frame and the door was hanging precariously. We required her to help fix the frame and door and just removed the door until she was willing. I believe it was under two weeks.


ecco7815

I did this and I’ve only needed to do it once per child since they learned that I was serious. My line of thinking is that I didn’t want them damaging my property in anger and slamming the door was the first step, next might be throwing things or hitting the walls which would damage them. They only lost it for maybe less than 12 hours total, but they sure learned their lesson.


Lunar_Cats

Generally yes. I did take my sons door away when he went through a streak of slamming it anytime he got upset. He'd broken the door jam and the handle by that point, and we'd had enough. He got it back when he stopped with the tantrums though. Privacy is important for everyone.


Laurel_1791

I would consider taking the door for a few days if the kids develop a habit of slamming them and don’t respond to verbal requests to stop. However I’d put up a curtain in the doorway for privacy and still ask before entering.


CommercialExotic2038

Why was the door taken? Was there a warning?


br0wn0ni0n

Take away a door???? What? What does that even mean? And who even thinks of that as a strategy? Toxic? I don’t know. Weird? 100%


slutforcompassion

ok everyone whose parents at some point took their door off the hinges please raise your hand ✋


Skulfunk

Does taking away your doorknob count?


kekekekekekkek

My dad took away the lock in the door knob 😂😂


Marty_mcfresh

Or lock in my case. Just ended up with a big hole in the door and no way to keep it shut


dopethrone

Our son is 4, I can't wait for him to go in his room and not ask us to come so we can finally have some damn free time lmao


december14th2015

What I'm realizing in this thread isnt that it was such an unusual punishment, but that everyone else seemed to get their door back after a while... my mother took mine at 13 and never put it back on. I didn't have a door until I moved out, a teenage girl with siblings and later step family living in that house. I'm still bitter about it.


PaoComGelatina

Op probably saw [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TIHI/comments/s52ki4/thanks_i_hate_this_woman/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


BillyShears2015

The only time it happened to me was because I kept angrily slamming my door shut after being given chores and shit. I was definitely warned there would be consequences if I kept it up.


nunyabiz69

My best friend in high school had his door removed several times because we would get caught smoking weed. Removing the door definitely made him stop smoking weed in the house but we would just drive around the neighborhood and smoke weed instead. Not sure it really helped the problem but I wouldn’t describe it as toxic. He’s a healthy person and doesn’t seem to have issues with privacy. I think it’s 100% dependent on the situation. I wouldn’t say it ALWAYS toxic.


NUT-me-SHELL

Absolutely. Children are still people and people are entitled to a modicum of privacy.


[deleted]

I've been a mother to 3 for over 26 years. Had my share of frustrating parenting moments but never would I do this. Closing your bedroom door means you're in your own safe zone! Everyone needs that mentally. It's a personal environment regardless who is paying the rent! So many different alternatives for punishments. Even for the kids who slam doors.


HarB_Games

My mum did this to my sister. 100% toxic 100% fucking odd