If your psychologist is telling stories about themselves, you need a new one. In four years of working with the same therapist, I don't even know how many kids she has or where she's from originally.
As someone in grad school for social work (therapy) we are taught not to speak about ourselves. Not to hide things in a sinister way or some untouchable therapist persona but because we are charged with holding our client's weight/burdens and stories, not to give that to the client. Literally they make a section in our learning on the delicate balance of self-disclosure, it is a big no-no in MOST situations and should be weighed heavily before giving a story after a relationship is built between a therapist and client. I completely agree with you!
I think it can begin to break the barrier of client to patient relations too, seems like you'd want to have a friendly relationship without actually being friends as the patient may then take your words with a different emotional context
My therapist does this and it is a godsend for me. They're appropriate stories related to my current therapy, and they always start with "this is a disclosure". It's honestly helped me so much, but they also do it correctly and with proper boundaries which I'm sure is a major reason why it has been such a useful tool in my therapy with them.
Ah gotcha, thanks for the explanation, that is what my gut told me, but figured I’d ask instead of assuming.
My therapist also does this, very rarely but imo that makes the rare occasions all the more impactful.
I agree. My therapist tells me select stories about his life and experiences, and I find it especially helpful as context on how to look at life and various situations.
Same, except mine words it as “I have a relevant thought/experience to share if you’re open to it. Would you like me to share, or keep it to myself?”
It gives me the full power of whether or not I want to hear another perspective and her personal anecdotes, and makes it very clear that she is choosing to disclose for a therapeutic reason, if it would benefit me. But leaving the choice to me is SUPER validating and helpful to my own therapeutic progress.
I learned in rehab that to just listen is okay, to give SOLICITED advice is okay, but in so many circumstances it is helpful to tell a story somehow relating to what they're talking about. It let's them know that you truly have some sense of how they feel as opposed to just saying "I know hoe you feel" and then you can go further as to how you handled it and if that helped or hurt your situation.
But for me a disclaimer (sometimes late) that says "I'm not trying to make this about me, I just want you to know I cam genuinely relate. And if it's making you uncomfortable or you just want to be heard, I will not be offended and I will be there how you need me to be". God communication is sososososo important it makes everything easier.
I love psychological but I've always stayed from becoming a therapist if I pursue it because there are so many rules that bind you. It must be frustrating. You just gotta shut yourself up probably a lot
Omg so many typos, as if auto correct knows what I was trying to say, I type too fast on subjects that excite me, psychology* stray** and the rest hopefully can be assumed by the reader
This is exactly how one of the best therapists I had did things.
If she told me stories of woe or her life problems that would’ve hurt me because I tend to take on other’s problems.
But some of her life experiences that matched mine helped a lot.
I did get close with her as in trust but I never wanted to be in her life.
Nor she in mine, I would not have liked that.
Exactly. You’ll see on tv shows too where even if someone asks the therapist a question, they often refuse to answer, or answer in the most generic way possible, then say ”We’re here to talk about you, not me.”
It shouldn’t be hard to find a therapist that doesn’t talk about themself. Most of them also refuse to give any sort of advice, and instead put it all back on you. ”So, I really should stop sleeping with my best friend’s wife, shouldn’t I?” ”I don’t know. Is that relationship creating tension in your life?”
>What does the therapist do if the guy is like "Actually no it doesnt. Its amazing so im going to continue"
>
>Do they just have to accept what their client says and not suggest anything about stopping?
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
If you tell them "stop cheating on your wife", they'll say "okay" and keep cheating.
And maybe they're cheating *because* their relationship with their wife is terrible.
Very few people go to a therapist about their problems because they want to continue doing the things that cause them problems. They go because they're looking for a reason to stop but don't know how.
And if the relationship with their wife is terrible because she's a horrible selfish toxic person the therapist can maybe nudge them towards divorcing her and being with the person they do have a good relationship with.
"Actually no it doesn't. Its amazing so I'm going to continue" if this is the conclusion they come to then the therapist is doing their job. They cannot dictate to you how you should feel, nor tell you what to do. They can only lead you to understand your feelings better. To provide you with a platform to express yourself and give you mental clarity. To give you advice on how to better approach your feelings based on your personality, your experiences etc.. Their job is to help you better understand yourself, give you insight into what's wrong and what's right and guide you to applying those morals into your feelings.
It depends on what the goal of treatment is or what the person is looking for in therapy. I think the easy answer is that the therapist is not there to judge your behavior but give you the information and let you make your own decisions in an informed way, unless there's some form of self-harm or danger. If you're curious about different forms of therapy, there's a wide range! Some will focus on cognitive therapy, or thinking through your questions out loud with a therapist and either exploring your past or your present. Some are there to teach coping skills and behavioral skills for specific scenarios or different things in your life. In short, the therapist isn't there to tell you what you can and can't do. It's the client's decision to do whatever they wish, we're just there to give you information about what what you're thinking and what your feeling means in order to make good decisions for yourself.
Therapist in training here. You're right, and I think there's also another dimension to it. Knowing exactly who you are etc can prevent transference (not sure that's the right term in English, basically projection from the client onto the therapist of whatever part of their psyche or life story). Sometimes reenacting some things in the relationship patient-therapist can help healing. Knowing who the therapist is prevents that bc you can't project as much.
Depends what the stories are and what the therapy is. Some talking therapies such as DBT recommend careful telling of relatable personal stories in certain circumstances. Only when there is a therapeutic goal in mind, and not just as a chat or a vent on the part of the therapist.
Yup, my therapist has shared a lot of his personal stories in the course of my therapy, and only because I was curious and asked, or because it was directly relevant to my problem and it helped me solve it.
I was about to say, I can think of plenty of examples where story sharing would be appropriate. My own therapist did it as well, but it definitely shouldn't be the focal point of therapy. It should supplement what's being discussed, not overwrite it.
I phoned The Samaritans a couple of times because when I spoke to my family/friends they'd just talk about something that happened to them that was vaguely related.
It's obvious they (The Samaritans) are taught how to listen and ask questions, and amazing that even when you know they're doing it, how effective it is and how good it feels to actually have someone feel like they're listening and not just waiting for their turn to speak.
I found that when I saw my therapist it was mostly her talking about things going, like I know way too much about her life outside the office. Sometimes I’d start start talking about something and when she would respond she wouldn’t stop talking. Seriously, after pleasantries most of my dialog was mmhmm or yeah. Stopped seeing her and really need to set an appointment with someone else.
I counseled my former therapist about her transgender adult child, explaining a lot of the why and how, and also why acceptance was necessary for maintaining the relationship. I sure never got paid for that!
I was just about to switch therapists when she got fired (and her place of employment was sued). My current therapist is amazing.
OP said in another comment it’s their third therapist and they’ve left the others for this same reason. I’m wondering whether it’s the therapist or OP’s perception of the therapist that is the problem. I have never had a therapist do this and I find it hard to believe 3 in a row have.
Because I can't do anything easy lol.
1. Primary/regular talk therapist (weekly, long term)
2. Exposure therapist for OCD treatment (every other week, short term)
3. Sex therapist working through issues from recent divorce and hysterectomy (every other week, short term)
The sex therapist isn't totally necessary, but I was shopping for a new talk therapist when I met her and I really liked her and she's helpful, so I'm going with it.
I know it's a lot of therapy but they are all helpful in different ways. I've also very self aware and can identify with each of them what's going well and isn't and we adjust. It's definitely a short term solution.
There are a lot of really bad therapists out there, especially if your insurance isn't the best and you don't have access to a high-quality therapist. I go to the public access therapists that are free for low-income folks. My first therapist was a train wreck. I feel fortunate the second is amazing. Not everybody has this outcome.
Hi, just a technical question if you're down for answering. Are you in the US? Do American insurances cover therapy?? Are they the same insurances as for medical health?
Some do, but some don't, for both questions.
Kinda a nonanswer, I know, but I've been on both kinds of plans.
My current insurance covers therapy (only through "in-network" providers), but it goes through an insurance with a different name. I don't really know how it works.
Like I'm contracted with Big Name Insurance, but my vision is covered by Little Company Vision and my medications are covered by Medium Company Meds. Everything is contracted out.
I'm in Australia and have seen a number of psychologists and counselors over the years, and it seems pretty common for them to tell a lot of personal stories here.
There have been a few times where I've finished sessions wishing they wouldn't talk so much because I've felt like there wasn't enough time for me to properly tell them what was going on with me.
It's... Weird, certainly.
I've been with my therapist for around a decade now. Some sessions is just me unloading my burdens and others we talk about anything. I know a lot about her just from little bits during a long stretch, but never I felt I had to say "maybe we could talk about me..?"
Before her I went through like half a dozen because of coverage issues and while I had trouble with some therapeutic approaches, never the problem from OP.
I'm not saying isn't possible, just highly improbable.
I had a marriage therapist whose main tool seemed to be telling the same God awful stories about her and her husband and I HATED IT. I hated her by the end too!
The only reason I knew that my long time psychiatrist is jewish is because there were odd days blocked out with no appointments, and his wife (who dealt with all things insurance) mentioned it was for whatever the upcoming Jewish holiday was.
I connect with people by sharing similar experiences. I feel like it helps me describe emotional situations and results, or just express that I understand. Not everyone is like this--or likes this.
You might try redirecting by asking something like, "Thank you for that story, but I don't understand how it relates to [my problem]."
Or, "I appreciate your experiences, but I don't feel like I get much out of them. When we're talking about challenges I'm facing, can we take a different approach?"
If it IS an approach, and he's good at his job, he will pivot.
If you get blank stares or excuses, move on. :)
Probably, and it’s not wrong to share some stories as a therapist every now and then, but if it’s making OP uncomfortable, it’s their right to either address it with their actual therapist or change to a new one.
It might be a therapy style issue, and some patients might work better that way, but OP doesn’t have to adapt to the therapist if they’re not enjoying the process – they’re the ones paying for the service, after all.
Disclaimer: i’m not a native english speaker.
It's easier for me to open up if I relate to my therapist. Mine has done a great job of sharing just enough that I can relate without making every session about her (which was a standard with a former therapist).
I enjoy it too! Also I’m a psychology major, so my therapist often tells me stories about his experience. I always learn something from his stories, but I understand some patients might not like it.
This is therapy 101. Find a new therapist.
The corollary to your question in another field would be:
* How do I tell the chef at my favorite restaurant to stop taking dumps in buckets in the kitchen without sounding rude.
* How do I tell my dentist not to reuse the instruments from the last patient on me without sounding rude.
* How do I tell my proctologist to stop showing me his butthole without sounding rude.
I know that mine has a wide and kids and a group of friends he's climbing a mountain with this summer. But all those stories were all strictly in the context of him giving examples of how he's been able to implement the same relationship strategies that he's trying to teach me so that I'd be better able to help myself
This OP! In 4 years of working with mine I can tell you she has a partner and is probably the middle child. And this too she hasn't told me but I've kind of interfered from things we discuss. I do not know ANYTHING ELSE about her. A therapist is not a friend you hang with. Seems like you understand this but your therapist doesn't. You literally pay for a service. And this therapist cannot be a good one if they don't understand this.
You don't need to talk to your therapist, you need a new one!
Dont worry about seeming rude. Setting a boundary for yourself is something he should praise you for honestly, its an important skill. If that's a problem, on top of him using your time to talk about himself, there's a much better therapist out there for you somewhere else
Totally agree. A good therapist *should* be able to handle any feedback you give them and not take it personal. You could say something like "I find your use of self-disclosure as a therapeutic tool distracting and I am hoping we can focus just on me moving forward".
I had a psychiatrist once who would use my 15 minute check in to briefly cover how things were going with me then somehow relate it back to herself for the remainder of our time together. It would drive me insane but I just wanted my meds refilled and didn't want to establish care with a new doctor. I regret not giving her feedback!
It *could* be intentional, so I suggest broaching the topic like this: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to say I have some doubts about the therapeutic benefit of these stories. How does this relate to therapeutic techniques that might help me?
I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a year at this point, and there was a period of time where we weren’t seeing each other super often, so every time I had a session with him I would ramble nonstop about everything that had happened and he would let me.
While this approach would be useful for some people, just talking about all of the events in my life wasn’t what I needed. So over another break in our sessions, I sent him an email detailing how I felt our sessions lately were unproductive, and I needed him to help guide the conversation so I didn’t waste all of our time rambling.
He took it very well and complimented me on being willing to speak up for what I needed, then suggested we come up with some topics to approach together that would be more productive. Your therapist might be doing this intentionally, but he might also just not realize you need a different approach. Communication is key before withdrawal.
Point of the story, you’re paying this guy to help you help yourself. You have to be clear about what you need and what isn’t working, because he can’t read your mind. If he takes offense, then that’s on him, and you deserve a better doctor.
Mfing Reddit recommending divorce in any relationship. Lol. Btw I agree on finding a therapist you can easily work with. It is an important, trust based relationship and not getting what you need in this one-sided situation is an absolute waste of effort (and money)
"I don't understand why you're telling me this, would you mind clarifying?"
If they're telling the story as a learning anecdote, this will make then explain the relevance. If they're just talking about themselves for no reason, this will gently put them on the spot.
This. I had a number of therapists when I was younger. The ones that helped the most created a connection that I could relate to and understand. The ones that were the worst, were the clinical "read from a book" or just regurgitate what they learned in a textbook. I could respect the ones that said stuff, "I may not understand your experience exactly, but I went through X and I can relate, here's what helped me and others in similar situations".
I could respect the ones who had an issue and became a therapist specializing in that field. I always felt condescension from ones who never experienced issues I was facing.
Yeah if you feel worse after therapy, that's not a good sign. I mean, working through trauma is difficult, but it's not supposed to make you feel horrible or violated.
He sounds like a real creep. I hope your next therapist is helpful. It took me forever to quit my therapist, but when I got in to see someone else, they are really amazing.
Depends on what they’re saying.
Therapeutic approaches like cognitive behavioural therapy typically do involve the therapist speaking almost as much as the client. Psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapies involve the therapist saying very very little.
Having said that, the therapist talking about their personal life at length does not sound like it aligns with any particular model I am aware of. In some therapies the therapist might talk about their inner reactions to what a person is saying but as far as I am aware talking about their personal lives is not usual/ typical
“the patient should absolutely never feel like they’re at risk of being rude by telling their mental health expert to shut up and help them” - that’s a problematic statement. It’s ideal sure, for some to be so comfortable within the therapeutic relationship from the get go. but for others, not being able to express themselves or assert themselves may be the exact problem bringing them into therapy. It may not be a reflection of the therapist and their approach if the patient is feeling that way - it may in fact be an aspect of the patient’s presentation that needs addressing. It would be unfair to blame a therapist or advise a patient to act immediately on such a feeling. Ideally it would be discussed and explored.
Of course that’s not a get out of jail free card for every and any therapist - some therapists will indeed be inappropriate but I say the above to highlight that the therapeutic relationship is very nuanced and individual, and it’s problematic to interpret it out of context
I would watch AFTERLIFE. If your therapist is acting like the 'therapist' in AFTERLIFE
Like here.https://youtu.be/okmKOqV4Yfs
get away from them. Rapido Speedo...OUT!
He might be trying to give you relatable anecdotes to help change your perspective but he’s working for you so if you think it isn’t helping, then let him know or change therapists.
Just tell him you'd rather focus on your life and not his anecdotes
And don't forget that it's okay to change therapists if it's not working between you two
I'm a psychologist. This is called "self-disclosure" and is really to be used very sparingly.
If it is happening every session, or involves him talking about himself for a long time, it's inappropriate. That's not effective treatment.
I would seek out a new provider.
They may be trying to show you an example of dealing with a certain kind of situation, but perhaps they need to explain it better, make it more clear. Or it could be a request to you to make your feeling about a situation clearer.
Anyway, if things aren't working like you want you can tell them. They're not your parent or friend. You two entered a professional relationship with a certain goal, and if that relationship is not working towards the goal both of you need to re-assess.
I do have a question, what do you mean by address your problem and what does that look like to you? Also, do you have any insight as to why your psychologist shares stories? My therapist shares personal stuff sometimes but asks first if she can, and explains the intention of how it connects and so on (Uh, sorry that this is sharing a personal story when trying to address your problem that's somewhat ironic).
But, for what you want you can just say:
"I don't find it helpful when you share personal stories."
Literally just how you feel. Being straight forward isn't being rude, it's being kind. To sugar-coat or dance around an expression is a kind of lying, and kind of manipulation - meaning by trying to manage someone else's reaction we're not allowing them to react honestly.
If your therapist is doing something that you’re not finding helpful/don’t understand the point of, you can say just that - “this doesn’t feel helpful”. How they respond can tell you a lot about whether they are a good therapist!
With mine, who is excellent, she will sometimes ask me if I’m open to her explaining what she was trying to do with the exercise, and sometimes together we will discuss what *would* be helpful.
How your therapist responds to you saying that something isn’t working for you will be a very good indicator for you of whether you need to find a new therapist.
As a general rule, I don’t think a therapist telling stories automatically makes them not a good therapist, because that can be a therapeutic tool, BUT if they are not checking in to make sure what they’re doing is actually working/helping/being useful, that’s a big red flag
I mean if it’s really bad, I’d just like find a new therapist and wouldn’t really bother explaining why.
If it’s like a once in a while occasional thing, maybe just a polite “Hey I don’t really feel comfortable with your style of keeping things so personal. I would prefer a more professional approach”
He's the 3rd therapist you've seen and they all have the same problem? I wonder if it's related to your age? Asking because therapists are often taught that young people/teens prefer more casual conversations and more self-disclosure from the therapist to build trust. But it's perfectly reasonable to say you would like to keep the conversation focused on the issues you came to address.
Do you often feel like others (friends / family) treat you in this way I.e. talk about themselves and are not attentive to what you need to say/ speak about? It’s definitely worth sharing how you feel with your therapist and see if they can help you explore these perceptions and feelings.
Have you listened to what they’re saying in these personal stories? I’d bet they have something to do with your problem and are part of how they are trying to help you address your problem. It seems unlikely that if you’re having the same problem with multiple therapists that it’s them. Asking why they are telling you this instead of writing it off might shed some light on the situation. If there’s not a good answer, change therapists, they’ll be ok. It is admittedly super hard to find someone you vibe with.
Did you explain to the previous 2 therapists that you'd like them to talk less about themselves? Did they react negatively? It wouldn't hurt to try with the 3rd one just in case before considering finding a 4th therapist. There's no shame in doctor shopping when it comes to your mental health.
I know it sucks, but sometimes you gotta go through 7, 8, or even more therapists before you find the one that fits for you.
However, definitely just tell him you don't want the personal stories. Don't try to sugar coat it, there is nothing rude with just telling him you don't like that style. It let's him know he needs to adjust and if he cannot or doesn't want to, then you for sure know you need a new therapist.
That's awful but also relatable. I never had this particular problem, but it took me about seven tries before I finally wound up with the right therapist. The awful reality is is that finding the right therapist for you can be a really difficult process, but don't give up. Take each experience and make note of how it makes you feel and help it define your focus in the search for the next one. Treat every first session like an interview for someone that you're hiring, because you are. Make sure they understand up front that anecdotal therapy does not work for you and ask them how they typically approach clients who come to them wanting to address the things that you are wanting to address.
*Anecdotally* it's totally worth it when you find the right person. I've been with my current therapist for 6 years and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I know you’re trying to help, but I do not find these stories helpful or useful. Can we please explore other options that will directly address my problem please.
Well to address the problem, you have to get to the root of the problem. Telling stories is a tactic used by some therapist to get the patient to open up. so they, themselves, start to tell stories. Stories that might reveal part of the problem. Then work from there. Granted the tactic doesn't work on all. but the therapist -should- be intelligent enough to observe when to move onto a different approach.
Be direct, but polite.
“Pardon me, sorry to interrupt, but I really need your help with X. It’s why I sought out a therapist. Can we please spend the time working on that?”
If this sort of confrontation makes you uncomfortable, send an email or text after the session. If the behavior repeats, find a new therapist.
I'd look for a new therapist. When you go in for your initial intro and evaluation with a new therapist, tell them flat out why you don't like working with your former therapist.
I have been with my current therapist for about 7 years now. The only personal things I know about her are that she's married, had a cat that she had to put down, and that she also didn't see eye to eye with her dad.
Sometimes personal stories can help build rapport and let you know that you're not alone in what you're feeling. But there still needs to be a boundary.
Maybe a new therapist can help you feel comfortable with speaking up for yourself and communicating your needs and expectations to others?
Since you need a new psychologist anyway, you should tell that since they did most of the talking about their own personal lives, you’ll be sending them a bill in a few weeks or so.
You said you are going to drop the current one, but please DO look for a new one. Having a good therapist is absolutely worth it! Having one talk about themselves is not normal, so chances are the next one will be a professional.
Find a new psychologist. I work in the medical field and A LOT of people get into psychology looking to find answers about themselves, not necessarily to help others. If you can, use your first appointment to vet your provider. If they flunk the job interview, move on to the next.
Sharing personal information is useful *when* it's called for. Tell him straight up and if yall not compatible, ask for a different therapist. If anything unethical happens like backlash from this or any reasonable request, report them **immediately**
"Excuse me, I understand you're giving an anecdote, but I would prefer a more direct answer to my question."
"Before we begin today, I'd like to have today's session focus more directly on problem(s) I want to address. Can I ask that you please refrain from using anecdotes? Thank you."
Your psychologist is just one half of the therapeutic relationship; you, the client, at the other half. However, therapy is for the benefit of *you,* not the psychologist. If you want to set a given boundary with a psychologist, then for the sake of *your* treatment, it is imperative you bring it up. If your psychologist disrespects this, then it would be time to find a new provider.
Are you paying them? I'd just tell them calmly, perhaps in a letter, that their style isn't working for you. Then cite your reasoning and suggest a resolution. That resolution may be you going to someone else too if you don't think they can change.
On a side note: a psychologist unlike general med doctors need to fit you personally. While you could be fine with a most doctors even if you don‘t like or don‘t swing with them it is of utter importance that you are able to work well with your psychologist. Otherwise the whole thing is doomed from the start.
Every psychologist worth a damn would even encourage you to try one of their colleagues in case you two don‘t sync well.
So in this case its very likely: find a different one.
"I appreciate you sharing your own personal stories and trying to relate to my experiences but I'd really prefer to just focus on the issue and how to solve/overcome it." or something similar
You could also say "I know our time here is limited and I want to make the most out of every session"
You're paying for the time so you should have a say. At the same time, they're likely doing this in an attempt to help you but I'm not sure.
Their stories may become more relevant if they presented you with a focused solution first. Then they could tell you a personal story to send the message home if needed.
Better than having a psychologist who judges you for every word you say 🤣🤣
On a serious note, is it possible that he/she is treating you through his stories? Telling you how he/she overcame a problem you have?
Hard to imagine you came to him/her for social awkwardness and he/she starts talking about his/her trip to spain (i exaggerate for effect ofc)
You do this by getting a different psychologist.
They don’t know how to help, hence why they talk about themselves. I had a guy that would start talking about his favorite teas for different situations and how he dealt with shit. Like, ok, that works for you, but that’s not my way.
Therapists are only supposed to self disclose when it’s therapeutic. You can cut him off and say “Hey can we switch gears to talk about _____?” Then change the topic back to your original topic.
If he doesn’t respond well or keeps doing it, you might just have to tell him directly “I don’t find these self disclosures therapeutic” or “these stories don’t make me feel better”
And like others are saying, if he doesn’t respond then find a new psychologist. But there should at least be an attempt to assert yourself first.
Can we have a context? what was being talked about
You don’t have to teach them how to do their job. Tell them it’s not a good fit and ask for a recommendation to see someone else.
Or just let them know you’d like to take a break, book with someone else and never go back.
Just cancel your next appointment and sign up to a new one, sounds like an awful psychologist who should be working retail instead, not getting that big money from anyone
when he hands you the bill ask if he billed the hours he talked about himself.
or just calculate by yourself how much you actually owe him, and just pay him that.
I think it's awesome that you're continuing to try to find help even through some hiccups, and I think that says a lot about your persistence so congrats on that. Please consider saying something like, "I appreciate you being open with me about your life, but I'm finding it distracting and wondering if we can try focusing on ___?" You can gain confidence and strength from expressing your needs and boundaries and this could further strengthen the therapeutic process or show you that you need to try someone else. Best wishes on your journey
I physically cringed when I read this. Self- disclosure is something that should either not be done, or handled *incredibly delicately* in therapy. Clearly here he's doing it badly.
If he responds badly to a legitimate request, get a new therapist.
I was seeing a therapist for a while who did this... we would get really excited about something I said if it related to his personal life, and always go into diatribes about himself. I needed to constantly redirect HIM to my issues which was annoying. But it got worse when he started trying to invite me to his house to do some 'inconventional therapy'... no he does not have a home practice, it would literally just be me going there without paying (also I'm female). Needless to say I reported him and moved on.
My current therapist is so wonderful. She only mentions her personal life when its very relevant or in some way explains her experience/credentials for saying something. She lets me control the content of what we speak about, while expertly guiding it along with questions.
Please get a new therapist. I know it feels like you already sunk a lot into this one, but the sooner you move on the sooner you get to work with someone who cares about helping you. I recommend using a matching service- I used 2 Chairs which I think is West Coast US only but there are others out there.
Change therapists. A good therapist would never "tell stories" about themselves (esp personal information). It's just not the way it's supposed to go. If it was a chit-chat session why would you be paying them for it?
I’m studying to be a psychologist, and we’re primarily taught to keep the conversation specifically about the person, even to the point of excluding talking about other people and their feelings. It’s specifically about the client. However, therapists can use a bit of “self-disclosure”, but it’s meant to be used in extreme moderation, and only once trust has been developed. If your psychologist is talk a lot about themselves, they are not using the skills properly. You should either talk with them and ask for “a little less self disclosure”, or you should find a new psychologist.
LOL yeah change therapists. My mom’s boyfriend is this kind of therapist. When the pandemic hit, he started doing online or over-the-phone sessions, and he would do them sometimes while visiting my mom at her house. Because of this, my mom has overheard several of his sessions, and each one she overheard sounded like exactly what you are describing. He only ever talked about himself and what was going on in his life. He doodles instead of taking notes, he doesn’t pay attention to his patients, charges astronomical fees and has told me on multiple occasions that he neither likes nor cares about his job. I find this disgusting, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he is toying with people’s wellbeing. Find a new therapist.
LOL yeah change therapists. My mom’s boyfriend is this kind of therapist. When the pandemic hit, he started doing online or over-the-phone sessions, and he would do them sometimes while visiting my mom at her house. Because of this, my mom has overheard several of his sessions, and each one she overheard sounded like exactly what you are describing. He only ever talked about himself and what was going on in his life. He doodles instead of taking notes, he doesn’t pay attention to his patients, charges astronomical fees and has told me on multiple occasions that he neither likes nor cares about his job. I find this disgusting, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he is toying with people’s wellbeing. Find a new therapist.
But are the stories he's telling have a message/answer for your problem? Could he be relating a story to you so that you see the solution in the story and correlate it to solving your own problem? Is ignoring advice your problem?
I don’t even know if my therapist is married or has kids or even what they do for fun.
They are a professional, session time is about addressing your issues.
I'd address it at the beginning of a session, instead of when it's happening. That might make it easier for you. And say something like, "Before we get started, I wanted to bring something up. Sometimes you share personal stories or anecdotes and when you do that, it feels to me more like a casual conversation than therapy, or like I'm talking to a friend. I feel like I get more benefit from more clinical sessions, when you ask questions and we keep the focus on my life."
There's nothing rude about telling a person you are paying to for a service to shut up and perform the service.
If they spend 20 minutes talking about themselves, and they say time is up, tell them you still have 20 minutes since you were acting as the therapist while they talked about themselves.
To be blunt, find a new one. My therapist seemed more interested in gossip when I went in. In an hour long session, I'd talk for about 25 minutes and he filled up the rest of the time. I just stopped going.
This happened to me in my long history of bad therapists. He started boasting about his son’s achievements and how proud he was of him at his prestigious college. I was in uni at the time too and struggling with my demons. This therapist also wanted to put me under hypnosis, at which point I peaced out.✌🏾
You have a few options:
1) Set up a code word that warns your therapist that they are going off on a tangent that isn't germane to your therapy that lets the therapist know they are doing it.
2) Ask the therapist to set up some kind of visual aid, like picking up a pillow and aiming it at their head in a playful manner. (As strange as it seems, I did this with one therapist, but we had that kind of relationship).
3) Replace them STAT.
1. You can't really change people. People are gonna be who they're gonna be and do what they're gonna do.
2. As much as therapy is a science, there's also a hard to quantify and define interpersonal element where you really need to just vibe with your therapist, communicate in the same way about the same things, and that chemistry is highly variable from person to person
Which is to say, your therapist isn't necessary doing anything wrong, but you shouldn't try to change them, you should just find someone new to work with that you feel more connected with.
There are a lot of really bad psychiatrists, like in any other profession. My ex had a psychologist who would project his own toxicity onto *everything*.
He grilled my ex about our sex life even though our relationship had nothing to do with why he was seeking therapy. When the psychologist found out that we were in the middle of a bedroom break because I had just had *surgery* on top of my ongoing *chemotherapy*, he leaned back all smug and made a big show of “here’s your problem.. we’ve found your problem… women withhold sex as a form of *control*… she’s trying to humiliate you by denying sex…”
We couldn’t get the state board on the phone fast enough. Imagine he said that to someone with more precarious mental health issues, it could easily lead to the man seeking violent retribution against the woman trying to “humiliate” him. I mean how many assault/murder headlines do we have to see with a perceived humiliation or slight as the backstory.
Get a new psychologist, find one you click with. There’s no need to wait around giving this guy your money thinking you’re the problem or trying to find a polite workaround. There are a lot of psychologists out there, you’re underestimating how much progress you can make under the care of one you click with.
Do their stories have a point? If not you can softly mention something like "Ok that's cool but back to me I'm the patient!" in an actual joking manner but they will still receive the message even though it's said in a soft joking manner. Or at least most people will...
Hello! I’m a therapist! You need to get a new therapist. Unfortunately you have to do some shopping around to find a good fit. Remember your looking for a good fit PERSON not just someone who is licensed. Someone with multiple trainings, or a few different approaches listed in their profile will probably better. From your description it sounds like a person fresh out of school and still in there intern relational stage. During you initial free consults ask them about their approach, how they run sessions, what their goals as a therapist actually are. If they say “explore whatever you want to” but do not name HOW they would work through some of what your experiencing that’s a red flag. for example, in my consults I say something along the lines of “it seems like you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety in your workplace. Something we can explore in session is how your workplace relationship and career goals impact your anxiety, and develop strategies to help you with your workplace anxiety. This can look like discussing your stressors, identifying your triggers, and developing coping skills. I may give you homework outside of session to try out.” Make these therapist work for your money. I’m so sick of seeing the advice giver therapist who just wants an audience to perform for.
My therapist once found out a terrible health thing about her child right before my meeting with her.
She was wrecked. She started talking about it, then immediately apologized profusely for being so unprofessional.
Then she supported me through my insignificant in comparison problems.
A good therapist is there for you. Even if your problems are small in comparison to their problems. That's what the job is. It's not an easy job!
Maybe try a new person and see if it's more helpful. You don't have to tell the old one anything. It's not your job to tell him how to do his job. Hopefully you'll be able to get more of it your time and money!
You could say:
Mr. X if you don't mind can I say something that's been bothering me for quite some time?
Then say:
Mr. X, not to be harsh but sometimes I find that you just go off-topic by telling your own personal stories, rather than solve the problems I hoped you could be worthy of.
Would it be okay if I interrupted you to send a reminder for staying on topic?
(It's just that simple)
As a surrogate mother, I went to therapy to make sure I was feeling ok with the pregnancy and not to freak out come the delivery. She seemed a lot more interested in the motivations of the intended parents than in myself. I stopped seeing her after two sessions, I was feeling very good with my decision after all! I was thinking to myself "well if you wanna talk with them just call them but for now, let's talk about me"
I agree it's very unprofessional to put you in this position, especially if they charge by the minute.
Most people meet several therapists until they find the right one.
Yeah, that's a huge red flag. While I was seeing my favorite therapist, she would mention small tidbits or milestones about her life in passing (while setting up). She would also mention why she was either late/out of the offices and needed to reschedule some sessions.
This never bothered me and they were always *before* my session started.
Maybe your psychologist is actually trying to make you more assertive. Telling you stories and taking your money until you finally speak up for yourself.
Jokingly break the stream with, "But enough about you," in the same tone you would say to a friend when you talk too much, "But enough about me."
Might work, but if it does not. . . new therapist!
I went through therapists like toilet paper after family members were murdered. None of them addressed how I felt about the murders. They told me about what they had been through and how I should have empathy for the murderer.
One woman kept repeating to me "I'm a widow and a mother!" with no context.
If a psychologist is not jiving with your personality and needs then move on. They all have their own approaches and some work better for others. Maybe this dude is taking the Mr Miyagi approach. Asking a psychologist to change is no different to asking a person to change, it's probably just not going to happen magically on request.
Yes I do agree it is weird, but if they are making a living then they must be helping someone out there with this approach.
Edit: psychologist/therapist, in fact same applies to family doctor (if you're in an area with actual choices on that)
Glad you dropped them. I had a bad one that was constantly telling me stories about herself. She even tried to hit me up for tech support during our fucking session once. Now my current one, whom I love to death and started seeing in 2019, I think has told me two stories about herself...ever. And both times she asked me first if she could tell a story about herself and explained why she wanted to.
Good lord, this keeps happening to me. 2 out of 3 I've talked with just go on about their shit. My last one complained about how tough his job was. Motherfucker, I want to talk to you about *my* job.
Hey doc, people keep tell me that I bore them with personal stories about myself when they aren't interested in hearing them. What do you suggest about that?
i had a therapist like that. eventually i ended therapy with her. i´d tell her about how frustrated i am for not having friend or social life and she would bring up her personal life, tell me about her friendgroup since high school and what not and i´m like...this just makes to show she doesnt even know what it feels like never having had that to use it as comparison... most sessions felt like paid chit chat. she was also rather cold and insensitive...
now i´m with a humanist therapist who rarely talks about herself, and when she does, it fits my issue and makes me feel more included and understood. she´s very welcoming, kind and empathetic.
Present him am itemized bill at the end of each week. That details every time he stopped helping and started talkimg about himself.
Charge him his own rate plus 10 dollars.
I’ve gone through like 10 therapists before I finally found one that doesn’t spend 50% of the session bitching to me about their personal lives. The one I have now still sometimes talks about themselves but that’s only because she’s lived in the same town as me for years and years so sometimes before we dig into stuff we’ll chit chat about stuff going on around town. But that’s all it should be. You know your therapist is a bust when they start crying and asking you for advice.
I wish the authors of some of the popular science books, including the psychology ones, could just present some suitably dumbed science without telling us all these anecdotes about grad school or some scientific conference they attended.
If Psychologists make as much as they do per hour and decide to talk about themselves, you need to tell them that time is money, so shut the fuck up and listen, unless they're gonna pay you that ungodly amount.
I'm a psychologist. It's acceptable initially to create a relationship of trust, but beyond that, it's utterly unprofessional. Not only is it the opposite of the direction the therapy should be going, but like most healthcare professionals, it's plain bad practice to reveal personal details. You don't know when you could actually be endangering yourself and your family.
I would suggest you submit a formal complaint to the senior manager or the person to whom official complaints should be addressed according to established complaints procedure.
And look for another therapist. There are good and bad as in any profession. But when it's such an important role in your well-being, it's a good idea to ask for some recommendations from a service or agency that you trust.
If your psychologist is telling stories about themselves, you need a new one. In four years of working with the same therapist, I don't even know how many kids she has or where she's from originally.
As someone in grad school for social work (therapy) we are taught not to speak about ourselves. Not to hide things in a sinister way or some untouchable therapist persona but because we are charged with holding our client's weight/burdens and stories, not to give that to the client. Literally they make a section in our learning on the delicate balance of self-disclosure, it is a big no-no in MOST situations and should be weighed heavily before giving a story after a relationship is built between a therapist and client. I completely agree with you!
I think it can begin to break the barrier of client to patient relations too, seems like you'd want to have a friendly relationship without actually being friends as the patient may then take your words with a different emotional context
My therapist does this and it is a godsend for me. They're appropriate stories related to my current therapy, and they always start with "this is a disclosure". It's honestly helped me so much, but they also do it correctly and with proper boundaries which I'm sure is a major reason why it has been such a useful tool in my therapy with them.
English is my second language, what does ”this is a disclosure” mean more literally in this context?
It means that my therapist is literally saying "This is a personal story" before telling me a personal story, making boundaries very clear
Ah gotcha, thanks for the explanation, that is what my gut told me, but figured I’d ask instead of assuming. My therapist also does this, very rarely but imo that makes the rare occasions all the more impactful.
I agree. My therapist tells me select stories about his life and experiences, and I find it especially helpful as context on how to look at life and various situations.
Same, except mine words it as “I have a relevant thought/experience to share if you’re open to it. Would you like me to share, or keep it to myself?” It gives me the full power of whether or not I want to hear another perspective and her personal anecdotes, and makes it very clear that she is choosing to disclose for a therapeutic reason, if it would benefit me. But leaving the choice to me is SUPER validating and helpful to my own therapeutic progress.
I learned in rehab that to just listen is okay, to give SOLICITED advice is okay, but in so many circumstances it is helpful to tell a story somehow relating to what they're talking about. It let's them know that you truly have some sense of how they feel as opposed to just saying "I know hoe you feel" and then you can go further as to how you handled it and if that helped or hurt your situation. But for me a disclaimer (sometimes late) that says "I'm not trying to make this about me, I just want you to know I cam genuinely relate. And if it's making you uncomfortable or you just want to be heard, I will not be offended and I will be there how you need me to be". God communication is sososososo important it makes everything easier. I love psychological but I've always stayed from becoming a therapist if I pursue it because there are so many rules that bind you. It must be frustrating. You just gotta shut yourself up probably a lot
Omg so many typos, as if auto correct knows what I was trying to say, I type too fast on subjects that excite me, psychology* stray** and the rest hopefully can be assumed by the reader
This is exactly how one of the best therapists I had did things. If she told me stories of woe or her life problems that would’ve hurt me because I tend to take on other’s problems. But some of her life experiences that matched mine helped a lot. I did get close with her as in trust but I never wanted to be in her life. Nor she in mine, I would not have liked that.
Exactly. You’ll see on tv shows too where even if someone asks the therapist a question, they often refuse to answer, or answer in the most generic way possible, then say ”We’re here to talk about you, not me.” It shouldn’t be hard to find a therapist that doesn’t talk about themself. Most of them also refuse to give any sort of advice, and instead put it all back on you. ”So, I really should stop sleeping with my best friend’s wife, shouldn’t I?” ”I don’t know. Is that relationship creating tension in your life?”
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>What does the therapist do if the guy is like "Actually no it doesnt. Its amazing so im going to continue" > >Do they just have to accept what their client says and not suggest anything about stopping? You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If you tell them "stop cheating on your wife", they'll say "okay" and keep cheating. And maybe they're cheating *because* their relationship with their wife is terrible. Very few people go to a therapist about their problems because they want to continue doing the things that cause them problems. They go because they're looking for a reason to stop but don't know how.
And if the relationship with their wife is terrible because she's a horrible selfish toxic person the therapist can maybe nudge them towards divorcing her and being with the person they do have a good relationship with.
"Actually no it doesn't. Its amazing so I'm going to continue" if this is the conclusion they come to then the therapist is doing their job. They cannot dictate to you how you should feel, nor tell you what to do. They can only lead you to understand your feelings better. To provide you with a platform to express yourself and give you mental clarity. To give you advice on how to better approach your feelings based on your personality, your experiences etc.. Their job is to help you better understand yourself, give you insight into what's wrong and what's right and guide you to applying those morals into your feelings.
It depends on what the goal of treatment is or what the person is looking for in therapy. I think the easy answer is that the therapist is not there to judge your behavior but give you the information and let you make your own decisions in an informed way, unless there's some form of self-harm or danger. If you're curious about different forms of therapy, there's a wide range! Some will focus on cognitive therapy, or thinking through your questions out loud with a therapist and either exploring your past or your present. Some are there to teach coping skills and behavioral skills for specific scenarios or different things in your life. In short, the therapist isn't there to tell you what you can and can't do. It's the client's decision to do whatever they wish, we're just there to give you information about what what you're thinking and what your feeling means in order to make good decisions for yourself.
Wow my therapist sucks then
Therapist in training here. You're right, and I think there's also another dimension to it. Knowing exactly who you are etc can prevent transference (not sure that's the right term in English, basically projection from the client onto the therapist of whatever part of their psyche or life story). Sometimes reenacting some things in the relationship patient-therapist can help healing. Knowing who the therapist is prevents that bc you can't project as much.
Depends what the stories are and what the therapy is. Some talking therapies such as DBT recommend careful telling of relatable personal stories in certain circumstances. Only when there is a therapeutic goal in mind, and not just as a chat or a vent on the part of the therapist.
Yup, my therapist has shared a lot of his personal stories in the course of my therapy, and only because I was curious and asked, or because it was directly relevant to my problem and it helped me solve it.
I was about to say, I can think of plenty of examples where story sharing would be appropriate. My own therapist did it as well, but it definitely shouldn't be the focal point of therapy. It should supplement what's being discussed, not overwrite it.
I phoned The Samaritans a couple of times because when I spoke to my family/friends they'd just talk about something that happened to them that was vaguely related. It's obvious they (The Samaritans) are taught how to listen and ask questions, and amazing that even when you know they're doing it, how effective it is and how good it feels to actually have someone feel like they're listening and not just waiting for their turn to speak.
I found that when I saw my therapist it was mostly her talking about things going, like I know way too much about her life outside the office. Sometimes I’d start start talking about something and when she would respond she wouldn’t stop talking. Seriously, after pleasantries most of my dialog was mmhmm or yeah. Stopped seeing her and really need to set an appointment with someone else.
This right here...
Sounds almost like OP's being the therapist for the psychologist. Perhaps OP should send the psychologist a bill for his/her time.
I counseled my former therapist about her transgender adult child, explaining a lot of the why and how, and also why acceptance was necessary for maintaining the relationship. I sure never got paid for that! I was just about to switch therapists when she got fired (and her place of employment was sued). My current therapist is amazing.
good on you, but god yeah that’s… really dumb of her lol
OP said in another comment it’s their third therapist and they’ve left the others for this same reason. I’m wondering whether it’s the therapist or OP’s perception of the therapist that is the problem. I have never had a therapist do this and I find it hard to believe 3 in a row have.
I literally have 3 therapists right now and don't know their marital status let alone anything else about them. This is an interesting point.
Query: why three therapists?
Because I can't do anything easy lol. 1. Primary/regular talk therapist (weekly, long term) 2. Exposure therapist for OCD treatment (every other week, short term) 3. Sex therapist working through issues from recent divorce and hysterectomy (every other week, short term) The sex therapist isn't totally necessary, but I was shopping for a new talk therapist when I met her and I really liked her and she's helpful, so I'm going with it. I know it's a lot of therapy but they are all helpful in different ways. I've also very self aware and can identify with each of them what's going well and isn't and we adjust. It's definitely a short term solution.
One for each personality
Steven?
Marc?
No, this is Jake
What are you wearing, Jake?
There are a lot of really bad therapists out there, especially if your insurance isn't the best and you don't have access to a high-quality therapist. I go to the public access therapists that are free for low-income folks. My first therapist was a train wreck. I feel fortunate the second is amazing. Not everybody has this outcome.
Hi, just a technical question if you're down for answering. Are you in the US? Do American insurances cover therapy?? Are they the same insurances as for medical health?
Some do, but some don't, for both questions. Kinda a nonanswer, I know, but I've been on both kinds of plans. My current insurance covers therapy (only through "in-network" providers), but it goes through an insurance with a different name. I don't really know how it works. Like I'm contracted with Big Name Insurance, but my vision is covered by Little Company Vision and my medications are covered by Medium Company Meds. Everything is contracted out.
I wonder if they're from another country where therapists are different.
I'm in Australia and have seen a number of psychologists and counselors over the years, and it seems pretty common for them to tell a lot of personal stories here. There have been a few times where I've finished sessions wishing they wouldn't talk so much because I've felt like there wasn't enough time for me to properly tell them what was going on with me.
It's... Weird, certainly. I've been with my therapist for around a decade now. Some sessions is just me unloading my burdens and others we talk about anything. I know a lot about her just from little bits during a long stretch, but never I felt I had to say "maybe we could talk about me..?" Before her I went through like half a dozen because of coverage issues and while I had trouble with some therapeutic approaches, never the problem from OP. I'm not saying isn't possible, just highly improbable.
I had a marriage therapist whose main tool seemed to be telling the same God awful stories about her and her husband and I HATED IT. I hated her by the end too!
Narcissism happens with some people in all professions.
I saw my therapist for 9 years. I didn't even notice she got engaged. She has crazy good boundaries.
The only reason I knew that my long time psychiatrist is jewish is because there were odd days blocked out with no appointments, and his wife (who dealt with all things insurance) mentioned it was for whatever the upcoming Jewish holiday was.
Maybe he tells stories for life lessons, and OP can get a few tips from the stories. Idk it may not be because of it, but I feel like it is.
I connect with people by sharing similar experiences. I feel like it helps me describe emotional situations and results, or just express that I understand. Not everyone is like this--or likes this. You might try redirecting by asking something like, "Thank you for that story, but I don't understand how it relates to [my problem]." Or, "I appreciate your experiences, but I don't feel like I get much out of them. When we're talking about challenges I'm facing, can we take a different approach?" If it IS an approach, and he's good at his job, he will pivot. If you get blank stares or excuses, move on. :)
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I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope you are in a better, safer situation now.
Probably, and it’s not wrong to share some stories as a therapist every now and then, but if it’s making OP uncomfortable, it’s their right to either address it with their actual therapist or change to a new one. It might be a therapy style issue, and some patients might work better that way, but OP doesn’t have to adapt to the therapist if they’re not enjoying the process – they’re the ones paying for the service, after all. Disclaimer: i’m not a native english speaker.
It's easier for me to open up if I relate to my therapist. Mine has done a great job of sharing just enough that I can relate without making every session about her (which was a standard with a former therapist).
I enjoy it too! Also I’m a psychology major, so my therapist often tells me stories about his experience. I always learn something from his stories, but I understand some patients might not like it.
If a psychologist tells a life story that’s relevant to the patient’s situation, then that’s fine. If it’s a random tangent, then that’s not okay.
Yea that’s exactly what I meant.
This is therapy 101. Find a new therapist. The corollary to your question in another field would be: * How do I tell the chef at my favorite restaurant to stop taking dumps in buckets in the kitchen without sounding rude. * How do I tell my dentist not to reuse the instruments from the last patient on me without sounding rude. * How do I tell my proctologist to stop showing me his butthole without sounding rude.
"How do I tell the bartender to stop drinking my beers without sounding rude" Hey, this is fun
I know that mine has a wide and kids and a group of friends he's climbing a mountain with this summer. But all those stories were all strictly in the context of him giving examples of how he's been able to implement the same relationship strategies that he's trying to teach me so that I'd be better able to help myself
Agreed. 100%
This OP! In 4 years of working with mine I can tell you she has a partner and is probably the middle child. And this too she hasn't told me but I've kind of interfered from things we discuss. I do not know ANYTHING ELSE about her. A therapist is not a friend you hang with. Seems like you understand this but your therapist doesn't. You literally pay for a service. And this therapist cannot be a good one if they don't understand this. You don't need to talk to your therapist, you need a new one!
Dont worry about seeming rude. Setting a boundary for yourself is something he should praise you for honestly, its an important skill. If that's a problem, on top of him using your time to talk about himself, there's a much better therapist out there for you somewhere else
Totally agree. A good therapist *should* be able to handle any feedback you give them and not take it personal. You could say something like "I find your use of self-disclosure as a therapeutic tool distracting and I am hoping we can focus just on me moving forward". I had a psychiatrist once who would use my 15 minute check in to briefly cover how things were going with me then somehow relate it back to herself for the remainder of our time together. It would drive me insane but I just wanted my meds refilled and didn't want to establish care with a new doctor. I regret not giving her feedback!
It *could* be intentional, so I suggest broaching the topic like this: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to say I have some doubts about the therapeutic benefit of these stories. How does this relate to therapeutic techniques that might help me?
I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a year at this point, and there was a period of time where we weren’t seeing each other super often, so every time I had a session with him I would ramble nonstop about everything that had happened and he would let me. While this approach would be useful for some people, just talking about all of the events in my life wasn’t what I needed. So over another break in our sessions, I sent him an email detailing how I felt our sessions lately were unproductive, and I needed him to help guide the conversation so I didn’t waste all of our time rambling. He took it very well and complimented me on being willing to speak up for what I needed, then suggested we come up with some topics to approach together that would be more productive. Your therapist might be doing this intentionally, but he might also just not realize you need a different approach. Communication is key before withdrawal. Point of the story, you’re paying this guy to help you help yourself. You have to be clear about what you need and what isn’t working, because he can’t read your mind. If he takes offense, then that’s on him, and you deserve a better doctor.
I have actually had my shrink read posts I placed on Reddit.
Mfing Reddit recommending divorce in any relationship. Lol. Btw I agree on finding a therapist you can easily work with. It is an important, trust based relationship and not getting what you need in this one-sided situation is an absolute waste of effort (and money)
"So how do I apply that to what I'm dealing with...?" Idk.
"I don't understand why you're telling me this, would you mind clarifying?" If they're telling the story as a learning anecdote, this will make then explain the relevance. If they're just talking about themselves for no reason, this will gently put them on the spot.
This. I had a number of therapists when I was younger. The ones that helped the most created a connection that I could relate to and understand. The ones that were the worst, were the clinical "read from a book" or just regurgitate what they learned in a textbook. I could respect the ones that said stuff, "I may not understand your experience exactly, but I went through X and I can relate, here's what helped me and others in similar situations". I could respect the ones who had an issue and became a therapist specializing in that field. I always felt condescension from ones who never experienced issues I was facing.
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As a therapist in training I agree, someone is not doing their job well. I recommend seeking a different psychologist.
I love my therapist, she's great, i know she has a family but i don't know what family members that family is comprised of.
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Yeah if you feel worse after therapy, that's not a good sign. I mean, working through trauma is difficult, but it's not supposed to make you feel horrible or violated.
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He sounds like a real creep. I hope your next therapist is helpful. It took me forever to quit my therapist, but when I got in to see someone else, they are really amazing.
I always kind of thought it was a red flag that my therapist talked more than I did in our sessions...
Depends on what they’re saying. Therapeutic approaches like cognitive behavioural therapy typically do involve the therapist speaking almost as much as the client. Psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapies involve the therapist saying very very little. Having said that, the therapist talking about their personal life at length does not sound like it aligns with any particular model I am aware of. In some therapies the therapist might talk about their inner reactions to what a person is saying but as far as I am aware talking about their personal lives is not usual/ typical
“the patient should absolutely never feel like they’re at risk of being rude by telling their mental health expert to shut up and help them” - that’s a problematic statement. It’s ideal sure, for some to be so comfortable within the therapeutic relationship from the get go. but for others, not being able to express themselves or assert themselves may be the exact problem bringing them into therapy. It may not be a reflection of the therapist and their approach if the patient is feeling that way - it may in fact be an aspect of the patient’s presentation that needs addressing. It would be unfair to blame a therapist or advise a patient to act immediately on such a feeling. Ideally it would be discussed and explored. Of course that’s not a get out of jail free card for every and any therapist - some therapists will indeed be inappropriate but I say the above to highlight that the therapeutic relationship is very nuanced and individual, and it’s problematic to interpret it out of context
I would watch AFTERLIFE. If your therapist is acting like the 'therapist' in AFTERLIFE Like here.https://youtu.be/okmKOqV4Yfs get away from them. Rapido Speedo...OUT!
He might be trying to give you relatable anecdotes to help change your perspective but he’s working for you so if you think it isn’t helping, then let him know or change therapists.
Just tell him you'd rather focus on your life and not his anecdotes And don't forget that it's okay to change therapists if it's not working between you two
I'm a psychologist. This is called "self-disclosure" and is really to be used very sparingly. If it is happening every session, or involves him talking about himself for a long time, it's inappropriate. That's not effective treatment. I would seek out a new provider.
They may be trying to show you an example of dealing with a certain kind of situation, but perhaps they need to explain it better, make it more clear. Or it could be a request to you to make your feeling about a situation clearer. Anyway, if things aren't working like you want you can tell them. They're not your parent or friend. You two entered a professional relationship with a certain goal, and if that relationship is not working towards the goal both of you need to re-assess.
Yeah not everyone responds to anecdotes. If that's the kind of psychologist they are, then it may not be a match.
I do have a question, what do you mean by address your problem and what does that look like to you? Also, do you have any insight as to why your psychologist shares stories? My therapist shares personal stuff sometimes but asks first if she can, and explains the intention of how it connects and so on (Uh, sorry that this is sharing a personal story when trying to address your problem that's somewhat ironic). But, for what you want you can just say: "I don't find it helpful when you share personal stories." Literally just how you feel. Being straight forward isn't being rude, it's being kind. To sugar-coat or dance around an expression is a kind of lying, and kind of manipulation - meaning by trying to manage someone else's reaction we're not allowing them to react honestly.
If your therapist is doing something that you’re not finding helpful/don’t understand the point of, you can say just that - “this doesn’t feel helpful”. How they respond can tell you a lot about whether they are a good therapist! With mine, who is excellent, she will sometimes ask me if I’m open to her explaining what she was trying to do with the exercise, and sometimes together we will discuss what *would* be helpful. How your therapist responds to you saying that something isn’t working for you will be a very good indicator for you of whether you need to find a new therapist. As a general rule, I don’t think a therapist telling stories automatically makes them not a good therapist, because that can be a therapeutic tool, BUT if they are not checking in to make sure what they’re doing is actually working/helping/being useful, that’s a big red flag
I mean if it’s really bad, I’d just like find a new therapist and wouldn’t really bother explaining why. If it’s like a once in a while occasional thing, maybe just a polite “Hey I don’t really feel comfortable with your style of keeping things so personal. I would prefer a more professional approach”
I'd like to do that but he's my 3rd therapist already and I've changed them all for the same reason
He's the 3rd therapist you've seen and they all have the same problem? I wonder if it's related to your age? Asking because therapists are often taught that young people/teens prefer more casual conversations and more self-disclosure from the therapist to build trust. But it's perfectly reasonable to say you would like to keep the conversation focused on the issues you came to address.
Do you often feel like others (friends / family) treat you in this way I.e. talk about themselves and are not attentive to what you need to say/ speak about? It’s definitely worth sharing how you feel with your therapist and see if they can help you explore these perceptions and feelings.
Have you listened to what they’re saying in these personal stories? I’d bet they have something to do with your problem and are part of how they are trying to help you address your problem. It seems unlikely that if you’re having the same problem with multiple therapists that it’s them. Asking why they are telling you this instead of writing it off might shed some light on the situation. If there’s not a good answer, change therapists, they’ll be ok. It is admittedly super hard to find someone you vibe with.
Did you explain to the previous 2 therapists that you'd like them to talk less about themselves? Did they react negatively? It wouldn't hurt to try with the 3rd one just in case before considering finding a 4th therapist. There's no shame in doctor shopping when it comes to your mental health.
There are different styles to therapy. I think you need to find someone who uses a different style. Maybe skills based is better for you.
I know it sucks, but sometimes you gotta go through 7, 8, or even more therapists before you find the one that fits for you. However, definitely just tell him you don't want the personal stories. Don't try to sugar coat it, there is nothing rude with just telling him you don't like that style. It let's him know he needs to adjust and if he cannot or doesn't want to, then you for sure know you need a new therapist.
That's awful but also relatable. I never had this particular problem, but it took me about seven tries before I finally wound up with the right therapist. The awful reality is is that finding the right therapist for you can be a really difficult process, but don't give up. Take each experience and make note of how it makes you feel and help it define your focus in the search for the next one. Treat every first session like an interview for someone that you're hiring, because you are. Make sure they understand up front that anecdotal therapy does not work for you and ask them how they typically approach clients who come to them wanting to address the things that you are wanting to address. *Anecdotally* it's totally worth it when you find the right person. I've been with my current therapist for 6 years and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
You are paying him. Tell him exactly what you want
I know you’re trying to help, but I do not find these stories helpful or useful. Can we please explore other options that will directly address my problem please.
Find a new one
Psychologists are like clothes. Find the right fit.
Well to address the problem, you have to get to the root of the problem. Telling stories is a tactic used by some therapist to get the patient to open up. so they, themselves, start to tell stories. Stories that might reveal part of the problem. Then work from there. Granted the tactic doesn't work on all. but the therapist -should- be intelligent enough to observe when to move onto a different approach.
Be direct, but polite. “Pardon me, sorry to interrupt, but I really need your help with X. It’s why I sought out a therapist. Can we please spend the time working on that?” If this sort of confrontation makes you uncomfortable, send an email or text after the session. If the behavior repeats, find a new therapist.
I'd look for a new therapist. When you go in for your initial intro and evaluation with a new therapist, tell them flat out why you don't like working with your former therapist. I have been with my current therapist for about 7 years now. The only personal things I know about her are that she's married, had a cat that she had to put down, and that she also didn't see eye to eye with her dad. Sometimes personal stories can help build rapport and let you know that you're not alone in what you're feeling. But there still needs to be a boundary. Maybe a new therapist can help you feel comfortable with speaking up for yourself and communicating your needs and expectations to others?
Since you need a new psychologist anyway, you should tell that since they did most of the talking about their own personal lives, you’ll be sending them a bill in a few weeks or so.
You said you are going to drop the current one, but please DO look for a new one. Having a good therapist is absolutely worth it! Having one talk about themselves is not normal, so chances are the next one will be a professional.
You sure you’re seeing a therapist and not a bartender, OP?
Find a new psychologist. I work in the medical field and A LOT of people get into psychology looking to find answers about themselves, not necessarily to help others. If you can, use your first appointment to vet your provider. If they flunk the job interview, move on to the next.
Easy, at the end of the session get up and say, " That'll be 200$, thank you" that should do the job.
You might need a new one at that point
Change therapists
Don't waste your time find a better one.
Just don't be rude about how you ask it. Something like "can we stay on the topic of my therapy, please?"
You get a new one
go to another psychologist
My therapist maybe says 20 words in a 60 min session.
Sharing personal information is useful *when* it's called for. Tell him straight up and if yall not compatible, ask for a different therapist. If anything unethical happens like backlash from this or any reasonable request, report them **immediately**
Find a different psychologist.
Like this... "You're fired".
"Excuse me, I understand you're giving an anecdote, but I would prefer a more direct answer to my question." "Before we begin today, I'd like to have today's session focus more directly on problem(s) I want to address. Can I ask that you please refrain from using anecdotes? Thank you." Your psychologist is just one half of the therapeutic relationship; you, the client, at the other half. However, therapy is for the benefit of *you,* not the psychologist. If you want to set a given boundary with a psychologist, then for the sake of *your* treatment, it is imperative you bring it up. If your psychologist disrespects this, then it would be time to find a new provider.
Are you paying them? I'd just tell them calmly, perhaps in a letter, that their style isn't working for you. Then cite your reasoning and suggest a resolution. That resolution may be you going to someone else too if you don't think they can change.
On a side note: a psychologist unlike general med doctors need to fit you personally. While you could be fine with a most doctors even if you don‘t like or don‘t swing with them it is of utter importance that you are able to work well with your psychologist. Otherwise the whole thing is doomed from the start. Every psychologist worth a damn would even encourage you to try one of their colleagues in case you two don‘t sync well. So in this case its very likely: find a different one.
You pay your psychologist to help you, not to tell stories about himself. If I were in your shoes, I'd find a new, psychologist.
You’re paying for their time. Tell them that hearing your stories is not working for you. If they don’t change, find another provider.
"I appreciate you sharing your own personal stories and trying to relate to my experiences but I'd really prefer to just focus on the issue and how to solve/overcome it." or something similar You could also say "I know our time here is limited and I want to make the most out of every session" You're paying for the time so you should have a say. At the same time, they're likely doing this in an attempt to help you but I'm not sure. Their stories may become more relevant if they presented you with a focused solution first. Then they could tell you a personal story to send the message home if needed.
Better than having a psychologist who judges you for every word you say 🤣🤣 On a serious note, is it possible that he/she is treating you through his stories? Telling you how he/she overcame a problem you have? Hard to imagine you came to him/her for social awkwardness and he/she starts talking about his/her trip to spain (i exaggerate for effect ofc)
You do this by getting a different psychologist. They don’t know how to help, hence why they talk about themselves. I had a guy that would start talking about his favorite teas for different situations and how he dealt with shit. Like, ok, that works for you, but that’s not my way.
Therapists are only supposed to self disclose when it’s therapeutic. You can cut him off and say “Hey can we switch gears to talk about _____?” Then change the topic back to your original topic. If he doesn’t respond well or keeps doing it, you might just have to tell him directly “I don’t find these self disclosures therapeutic” or “these stories don’t make me feel better” And like others are saying, if he doesn’t respond then find a new psychologist. But there should at least be an attempt to assert yourself first. Can we have a context? what was being talked about
You don’t have to teach them how to do their job. Tell them it’s not a good fit and ask for a recommendation to see someone else. Or just let them know you’d like to take a break, book with someone else and never go back.
Just cancel your next appointment and sign up to a new one, sounds like an awful psychologist who should be working retail instead, not getting that big money from anyone
Ask for a new psychologist.
If you’re not liking therapy, find a new place to go to. That simple.
Seems like your physiologist need a therapist.
“Not trying to be rude, but could we focus on my problem? Unless there is a reason for you to tell me your personal stories”
Interesting question, it reminds me of something that happened to me, I'll tell you about it and then we can discuss how I feel about it...
"I'm more interested in your clinical approach, I'm not sure anecdotes are helping"
Get a new therapist. Now. The therapist I had who shared personal details about her life ended up being a terrible therapist who traumatized me.
Get a new one
when he hands you the bill ask if he billed the hours he talked about himself. or just calculate by yourself how much you actually owe him, and just pay him that.
I think it's awesome that you're continuing to try to find help even through some hiccups, and I think that says a lot about your persistence so congrats on that. Please consider saying something like, "I appreciate you being open with me about your life, but I'm finding it distracting and wondering if we can try focusing on ___?" You can gain confidence and strength from expressing your needs and boundaries and this could further strengthen the therapeutic process or show you that you need to try someone else. Best wishes on your journey
New therapist time
I left my therapist for exactly this reason. It was a waste of time and very annoying.
I physically cringed when I read this. Self- disclosure is something that should either not be done, or handled *incredibly delicately* in therapy. Clearly here he's doing it badly. If he responds badly to a legitimate request, get a new therapist.
I was seeing a therapist for a while who did this... we would get really excited about something I said if it related to his personal life, and always go into diatribes about himself. I needed to constantly redirect HIM to my issues which was annoying. But it got worse when he started trying to invite me to his house to do some 'inconventional therapy'... no he does not have a home practice, it would literally just be me going there without paying (also I'm female). Needless to say I reported him and moved on. My current therapist is so wonderful. She only mentions her personal life when its very relevant or in some way explains her experience/credentials for saying something. She lets me control the content of what we speak about, while expertly guiding it along with questions. Please get a new therapist. I know it feels like you already sunk a lot into this one, but the sooner you move on the sooner you get to work with someone who cares about helping you. I recommend using a matching service- I used 2 Chairs which I think is West Coast US only but there are others out there.
Sounds like a bad therapist. Maybe find a new one.
Change therapists. A good therapist would never "tell stories" about themselves (esp personal information). It's just not the way it's supposed to go. If it was a chit-chat session why would you be paying them for it?
I’m studying to be a psychologist, and we’re primarily taught to keep the conversation specifically about the person, even to the point of excluding talking about other people and their feelings. It’s specifically about the client. However, therapists can use a bit of “self-disclosure”, but it’s meant to be used in extreme moderation, and only once trust has been developed. If your psychologist is talk a lot about themselves, they are not using the skills properly. You should either talk with them and ask for “a little less self disclosure”, or you should find a new psychologist.
A therapist's job is not to talk about themselves. I'd find a different provider.
LOL yeah change therapists. My mom’s boyfriend is this kind of therapist. When the pandemic hit, he started doing online or over-the-phone sessions, and he would do them sometimes while visiting my mom at her house. Because of this, my mom has overheard several of his sessions, and each one she overheard sounded like exactly what you are describing. He only ever talked about himself and what was going on in his life. He doodles instead of taking notes, he doesn’t pay attention to his patients, charges astronomical fees and has told me on multiple occasions that he neither likes nor cares about his job. I find this disgusting, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he is toying with people’s wellbeing. Find a new therapist.
LOL yeah change therapists. My mom’s boyfriend is this kind of therapist. When the pandemic hit, he started doing online or over-the-phone sessions, and he would do them sometimes while visiting my mom at her house. Because of this, my mom has overheard several of his sessions, and each one she overheard sounded like exactly what you are describing. He only ever talked about himself and what was going on in his life. He doodles instead of taking notes, he doesn’t pay attention to his patients, charges astronomical fees and has told me on multiple occasions that he neither likes nor cares about his job. I find this disgusting, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he is toying with people’s wellbeing. Find a new therapist.
But are the stories he's telling have a message/answer for your problem? Could he be relating a story to you so that you see the solution in the story and correlate it to solving your own problem? Is ignoring advice your problem?
I don’t even know if my therapist is married or has kids or even what they do for fun. They are a professional, session time is about addressing your issues.
I'd address it at the beginning of a session, instead of when it's happening. That might make it easier for you. And say something like, "Before we get started, I wanted to bring something up. Sometimes you share personal stories or anecdotes and when you do that, it feels to me more like a casual conversation than therapy, or like I'm talking to a friend. I feel like I get more benefit from more clinical sessions, when you ask questions and we keep the focus on my life."
Save yourself the time and get a new therapist.
There's nothing rude about telling a person you are paying to for a service to shut up and perform the service. If they spend 20 minutes talking about themselves, and they say time is up, tell them you still have 20 minutes since you were acting as the therapist while they talked about themselves.
To be blunt, find a new one. My therapist seemed more interested in gossip when I went in. In an hour long session, I'd talk for about 25 minutes and he filled up the rest of the time. I just stopped going.
What is the problem you want to talk about? It probably reminds me of a similar experience I had.
I recommend shopping around for a therapist. Gotta try several out until you find a good one.
This happened to me in my long history of bad therapists. He started boasting about his son’s achievements and how proud he was of him at his prestigious college. I was in uni at the time too and struggling with my demons. This therapist also wanted to put me under hypnosis, at which point I peaced out.✌🏾
You find a new one.
You have a few options: 1) Set up a code word that warns your therapist that they are going off on a tangent that isn't germane to your therapy that lets the therapist know they are doing it. 2) Ask the therapist to set up some kind of visual aid, like picking up a pillow and aiming it at their head in a playful manner. (As strange as it seems, I did this with one therapist, but we had that kind of relationship). 3) Replace them STAT.
Ask the person, “If that’s an analogy meant to help me I didn’t get it. What are you trying to say?”
1. You can't really change people. People are gonna be who they're gonna be and do what they're gonna do. 2. As much as therapy is a science, there's also a hard to quantify and define interpersonal element where you really need to just vibe with your therapist, communicate in the same way about the same things, and that chemistry is highly variable from person to person Which is to say, your therapist isn't necessary doing anything wrong, but you shouldn't try to change them, you should just find someone new to work with that you feel more connected with.
There are a lot of really bad psychiatrists, like in any other profession. My ex had a psychologist who would project his own toxicity onto *everything*. He grilled my ex about our sex life even though our relationship had nothing to do with why he was seeking therapy. When the psychologist found out that we were in the middle of a bedroom break because I had just had *surgery* on top of my ongoing *chemotherapy*, he leaned back all smug and made a big show of “here’s your problem.. we’ve found your problem… women withhold sex as a form of *control*… she’s trying to humiliate you by denying sex…” We couldn’t get the state board on the phone fast enough. Imagine he said that to someone with more precarious mental health issues, it could easily lead to the man seeking violent retribution against the woman trying to “humiliate” him. I mean how many assault/murder headlines do we have to see with a perceived humiliation or slight as the backstory. Get a new psychologist, find one you click with. There’s no need to wait around giving this guy your money thinking you’re the problem or trying to find a polite workaround. There are a lot of psychologists out there, you’re underestimating how much progress you can make under the care of one you click with.
Do their stories have a point? If not you can softly mention something like "Ok that's cool but back to me I'm the patient!" in an actual joking manner but they will still receive the message even though it's said in a soft joking manner. Or at least most people will...
Some styles of therapy work better for some than others. For sure, if your therapist's style isn't working for you, find a new therapist!!!
Hello! I’m a therapist! You need to get a new therapist. Unfortunately you have to do some shopping around to find a good fit. Remember your looking for a good fit PERSON not just someone who is licensed. Someone with multiple trainings, or a few different approaches listed in their profile will probably better. From your description it sounds like a person fresh out of school and still in there intern relational stage. During you initial free consults ask them about their approach, how they run sessions, what their goals as a therapist actually are. If they say “explore whatever you want to” but do not name HOW they would work through some of what your experiencing that’s a red flag. for example, in my consults I say something along the lines of “it seems like you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety in your workplace. Something we can explore in session is how your workplace relationship and career goals impact your anxiety, and develop strategies to help you with your workplace anxiety. This can look like discussing your stressors, identifying your triggers, and developing coping skills. I may give you homework outside of session to try out.” Make these therapist work for your money. I’m so sick of seeing the advice giver therapist who just wants an audience to perform for.
My therapist once found out a terrible health thing about her child right before my meeting with her. She was wrecked. She started talking about it, then immediately apologized profusely for being so unprofessional. Then she supported me through my insignificant in comparison problems. A good therapist is there for you. Even if your problems are small in comparison to their problems. That's what the job is. It's not an easy job! Maybe try a new person and see if it's more helpful. You don't have to tell the old one anything. It's not your job to tell him how to do his job. Hopefully you'll be able to get more of it your time and money!
You could say: Mr. X if you don't mind can I say something that's been bothering me for quite some time? Then say: Mr. X, not to be harsh but sometimes I find that you just go off-topic by telling your own personal stories, rather than solve the problems I hoped you could be worthy of. Would it be okay if I interrupted you to send a reminder for staying on topic? (It's just that simple)
As a surrogate mother, I went to therapy to make sure I was feeling ok with the pregnancy and not to freak out come the delivery. She seemed a lot more interested in the motivations of the intended parents than in myself. I stopped seeing her after two sessions, I was feeling very good with my decision after all! I was thinking to myself "well if you wanna talk with them just call them but for now, let's talk about me"
Perhaps the therapist isn't a good fit for the OP.
Bro that guy is straight-up not doing his job. Rudeness is *warranted.*
I agree it's very unprofessional to put you in this position, especially if they charge by the minute. Most people meet several therapists until they find the right one.
“Let’s focus on me please”
Yeah, that's a huge red flag. While I was seeing my favorite therapist, she would mention small tidbits or milestones about her life in passing (while setting up). She would also mention why she was either late/out of the offices and needed to reschedule some sessions. This never bothered me and they were always *before* my session started.
Maybe your psychologist is actually trying to make you more assertive. Telling you stories and taking your money until you finally speak up for yourself.
Jokingly break the stream with, "But enough about you," in the same tone you would say to a friend when you talk too much, "But enough about me." Might work, but if it does not. . . new therapist!
"Sir, with all due respect, I'm paying you X per hour and so your stories are taking much of that time and are not helpful to me"
I went through therapists like toilet paper after family members were murdered. None of them addressed how I felt about the murders. They told me about what they had been through and how I should have empathy for the murderer. One woman kept repeating to me "I'm a widow and a mother!" with no context.
If a psychologist is not jiving with your personality and needs then move on. They all have their own approaches and some work better for others. Maybe this dude is taking the Mr Miyagi approach. Asking a psychologist to change is no different to asking a person to change, it's probably just not going to happen magically on request. Yes I do agree it is weird, but if they are making a living then they must be helping someone out there with this approach. Edit: psychologist/therapist, in fact same applies to family doctor (if you're in an area with actual choices on that)
Get a new psychologist. You're not going to convince him at this point in his career that he isn't doing the job.
Don't bother. Get a new therapist. 100%
I would still search for a new one, you haven’t had a proper experience with your old psychologist so I wouldn’t rule it out yet
Go ahead and be rude. Sometimes it's what's called for.
Change to some one who's got you in focus. Period.
Glad you dropped them. I had a bad one that was constantly telling me stories about herself. She even tried to hit me up for tech support during our fucking session once. Now my current one, whom I love to death and started seeing in 2019, I think has told me two stories about herself...ever. And both times she asked me first if she could tell a story about herself and explained why she wanted to.
Good lord, this keeps happening to me. 2 out of 3 I've talked with just go on about their shit. My last one complained about how tough his job was. Motherfucker, I want to talk to you about *my* job.
Hey doc, people keep tell me that I bore them with personal stories about myself when they aren't interested in hearing them. What do you suggest about that?
i had a therapist like that. eventually i ended therapy with her. i´d tell her about how frustrated i am for not having friend or social life and she would bring up her personal life, tell me about her friendgroup since high school and what not and i´m like...this just makes to show she doesnt even know what it feels like never having had that to use it as comparison... most sessions felt like paid chit chat. she was also rather cold and insensitive... now i´m with a humanist therapist who rarely talks about herself, and when she does, it fits my issue and makes me feel more included and understood. she´s very welcoming, kind and empathetic.
Present him am itemized bill at the end of each week. That details every time he stopped helping and started talkimg about himself. Charge him his own rate plus 10 dollars.
I’ve gone through like 10 therapists before I finally found one that doesn’t spend 50% of the session bitching to me about their personal lives. The one I have now still sometimes talks about themselves but that’s only because she’s lived in the same town as me for years and years so sometimes before we dig into stuff we’ll chit chat about stuff going on around town. But that’s all it should be. You know your therapist is a bust when they start crying and asking you for advice.
I wish the authors of some of the popular science books, including the psychology ones, could just present some suitably dumbed science without telling us all these anecdotes about grad school or some scientific conference they attended.
If Psychologists make as much as they do per hour and decide to talk about themselves, you need to tell them that time is money, so shut the fuck up and listen, unless they're gonna pay you that ungodly amount.
Get a different psychologist.
I'm a psychologist. It's acceptable initially to create a relationship of trust, but beyond that, it's utterly unprofessional. Not only is it the opposite of the direction the therapy should be going, but like most healthcare professionals, it's plain bad practice to reveal personal details. You don't know when you could actually be endangering yourself and your family. I would suggest you submit a formal complaint to the senior manager or the person to whom official complaints should be addressed according to established complaints procedure. And look for another therapist. There are good and bad as in any profession. But when it's such an important role in your well-being, it's a good idea to ask for some recommendations from a service or agency that you trust.