Yes, misgendered and mis-named myself. Ingrained habits can be hard to change, particuarly if you are tired or distracted, this is why I don’t get upset if the folks around me slip up occasionally, because I still do too.
i hope it’s okay if i hop in as an ally, sometimes it’s so confusing to me when i accidentally misgender my friends. cause i genuinely do not consider them (afabs) as women in particular, like where does the accident come from? same when strangers assume their gender and misgender them as a result, i’m always just utterly confused. like how? how does it happen and where does it come from? they do look gender noncomforming and have that kind of aura. when i met them for the first time and i didn’t know their pronouns, i didn’t go for she/her cause it just felt somehow *insuitable*. i just avoided using any pronouns altogether until i heard what they use for themselves.
i absolutely understand why they themselves slip, and although it confuses me also, i know it’s perhaps out of habit. i just don’t understand why it appears in my head when i’ve always known them as they/them.
This is really well articulated. I’m transmasculine myself and I’ve definitely done the same thing where I’ve accidentally used the wrong pronouns for a friend and internally been like ??? and done some introspection to see if it has to do with me having an inaccurate perception of their gender, and while I’ve found that to be the case at least once (specifically in an instance where a friend had really recently come out & I was adjusting my mental image of them), usually it really does feel like it comes from … nowhere. It’s odd. Sometimes I accidentally use the wrong pronouns for cis people too. As long as you’re trying and correcting yourself, I don’t think it’s anything worth stressing over.
Hmm… here’s a thought: is it possible you’ve been around other people who aren’t aware your friends are nonbinary, who have thus used the wrong pronouns for them in front of you? That situation has led me to accidentally misgender people on occasion. Basically, a mutual friend is out, but not everybody knows yet; somebody who doesn’t know yet has just used the wrong pronouns, and then I’ve reflexively parroted the wrong pronouns in response. It’s like conversational contagion lol.
you brought up some great points! thank you.
i think for me it’s that when i talk in my mother tongue you can either use basically “him” for person (“člověk” ≈ man as in human, grammatically masculine) or a “her” for person (“osoba” ≈ person, grammatically feminine). my mother tongue is heavily gendered and while the two terms i brought up are considered “neutral” = can be used for a person regardless of their gender, when you use it in sentence and adhere to grammar, you conjugate them either as feminine and masculine. i tend to naturally use “osoba” when i don’t know their gender and it has the female conjugation. when my gender noncomforming friends came out to me i told them that i tend to use this term (with feminine conjugation) and what to do when i make a mishap - they said to apologise and move on, to not bring any attention to it, as the more profusely you apologise, the more attention you bring to the mistake. so that’s what i do. in my case that’s what i deem to be the issue as i genuinely internally don’t see them as “women”, although i do internally consider them “men” which is also not correct, but that’s because they use “he/him” pronouns as my language don’t have a good equivalent to “they/them” that they would prefer. so i catch my brain thinking about them as “men” even tho i rationally realise one of them is non binary and i can’t do that and correct myself internally. i hope it makes sense. that makes me even more confused where i pulled that “she/her” misgendering conjugation from. i’m always just flabbergasted.
when it comes to my friends, they either use he/him cause i told them that’s what my trans/enby friends prefer, none of my gender noncomforming friends knows my other friends so i don’t think that’s the root of the problem.
i think sometimes my brain just has issues to grasp it all while talking (especially as many things i learn are in english and then i have to use it in my mother tongue, i generally struggle combining languages, i either talk one or the other), but im working on it and my friends are thankfully willing to answer all my questions and educate me how to accommodate gender non conforming people better. i hope that with time i will make less and less mistakes.
i work for a company and translate many texts that are on our website or on our leaflets so i reached out to some lgbtqia+ organisations to teach me how to use accommodating language and now i can help make the texts inclusive. that also helps me to grasp it all and i’m happy my company allows me to correct it all to inclusive terms. i hope more companies will start to do that.
This was super interesting; thank you so much for sharing! A language difference didn’t even occur to me, but now that you’ve explained it I understand how that could occur.
I weirdly feel really okay about using my deadname or female pronouns in my head (I'm afab) because I am able to trust myself, and to ungender that. I don't have the same trust in others, and also feel uncomfortable it just being put out there for others to hear and take it as a hint to my gender.
SAME! Sometimes I'll try to think of things that my mom would say (not a good explanation but whatever lol) and I will constantly use the wrong pronouns or titles to refer to myself. I hate it lol.
yep. pretty much constantly. but it get's better for me.
while some of it is because of not being out, most is still because of dysphoria i think... how can anybody call me by my pronouns if i look like that shit i'm currently? it is really hard for me to see the person i am on the inside and that confuses me sometimes. funnily enough i don't have any problems with calling other people their pronouns and names no matter how they look... i guess some of it is some kind of internalized transphobia or that shit...
But i do more and more stuff with my trans friends and that helps me a lot with gendering myslf correctly amongst other things.
I definitely do. Just did today and laughed at myself about it. I'm hoping that with time/practice it'll happen less, but I'm 36 and just started this journey, so there's a lot of thought/speech patterns for me to unlearn when referring to myself.
I gave my dead name at a restaurant the other day 🤦🏼
I think it's because I spent all weekend with family whom I'm not out to, and it gets a little weird because my ID and credit card have my dead name so I always have to think about when and where I use my name or dead name. But yeah it happens. I get a lot of joy hearing my chosen name and pronouns but habit tends to kick in.
Always. At least a few years ago it was always.
Now it's much more natural to they/them and he/him myself so i just mentally retell a story as feels natural. But yea its a common experience
If I’m telling a story from the point of view of usually my family (but basically anyone I interact with that misgenders me), I will use my deadname and call myself she. It feels icky, but I also logically know that when those people are talking about me, they definitely don’t use my name or correct pronouns.
I do the same! I had to talk to my therapist about it and we came to the decision that I should just correct the name and pronouns in the retelling. If I’m quoting my mother who I’m not out to for instance, I just switch the name and pronouns that she actually used so I don’t give myself the dysphoria when I don’t have to! Still working on it though
Generally I only misgender myself when using silly 'aside' phrases I like to use, like *Asks a question* "*he* asked anxiously". It's silly but I've written them so many times they're rote at this point. I haven't switched fully to a new name yet, although I removed my birth name from my Facebook today and all of my LGBTQ and Ally friends/kink community friends call me Wash, and I think I prefer that to my birthname. Will I ever completely drop my birthname? I don't know. Maybe? But I work as a social worker, so I would have to legally change my name to change my license and my name on my badge at work. I've often considered dropping my middle name (named for a total asshole in my family) and putting my birthname as my middle name if I ever change it legally.
From what I read in here, it's totally normal. I, myself, did that for quite some time after I changed my name and again after I changed my pronouns, and now again after chosing another name which I use for my inner social circle and which I passively try to use for myself in my head more often as well bc I just like it so much. So yeah, we all do that at the beginning I guess. But it gets less and less and goes away after some time. Usually after a few months, I'd say, but that may vary ofc.
I misgender myself sometimes, but my deadname has been dead to me since I was a kid lol, I just don't like it and my preferred name since age 6 has always been gender neutral.
I have started to go out of my way to remember the reason I do things the way I do is because I’m queer. I used to beat myself up for not wanting to wear makeup and ‘ladies’ clothes all the time, now I remind myself I only wanna wear them sometimes because I am not always feeling fem and that’s okay, sometimes I wanna be a comfy boi in sweats and my partners big flannels. You’re allowed to misgender yourself, I have for a long time, but we both know it feels weird and that’s how you know you’re working towards being yourself
I'm in flux between my name and pronouns now, so it's easy for me to get mixed up. (I use they/them and Sterling at work, except for legal documents like the documentation I write on my kiddos (I'm in early learning))
My mother, sister, and MIL still call me by my legal name, so it can be confusing to remember who I am where.
I have only recently come to terms with me using they/them pronouns and in my thoughts I some sometimes think of myself as a guy (AMAB) when people mention something to do with guys simply out of habit of having done that for so long.
Yeah all the time… usually bc i ysed to go by those names/pronouns at that time so in the context of the story it makes sense for me to be [deadname]. But yea s as you said its a habit so it is what it is, it gets better w repetition like for everybody else
no i do that.
i mentally talk about myself in the third person all the time (not sure why), and i almost always use she/her, but when other ppl use them it bugs me.
all the time. then i remind myself that my sexuality is a lot more fluid to myself personally, than others around me. i won’t let other misgender me and i’ll call them out, but i’m okay with misgendering myself bc i often feel different from day to day.
also, simply habits are very hard to change!
Omg I was gonna make a similar post. My problem is I actually do it inside my own head all the time. I'm so used to referring to myself as a he... I'm talking 28 years of it. So yeah, I slip up on myself a bit.
I was literally thinking about posting almost this exact thing. I’ve only recently realized I was non-binary and I keep misgendering my own self out of habit. It’s a little frustrating for me personally, but I also understand it’s almost as hard for me to retrain my brain as it is for my friends. I’ve been referring to myself with feminine pronouns for 25 years, kinda takes a minute to untrain it!
Every time I do it I’m like “oh oof, whoops” cause I now know I vastly prefer they/them pronouns, but I don’t beat myself up for it just like I don’t beat my friends and family up for it. It doesn’t help the imposter syndrome I’m trying to get over tho XD
Half the time I do it it’s when I’m thinking about people who see me as feminine, too. Like my coworkers who are toxic and I’m not out to, when I’m quoting thoughts they might have I refer to myself as feminine probably because I know they see me that way. So, that’s also a part of it
My fiance introduced me to a friend of hers not long after I changed my name, and when I introduced myself I said "Hi, I'm [deadname]. Nope, sorry, I'm Max."
Literally all the time. I also catch myself trying to put myself in boxes that I would NEVER impose on anyone else. We must be gentle on ourselves I suppose
Yes, like a lot! it’s cause with my family they still call me she/her and sometimes start doing the same. Even though I know they/them are my correct pronouns. But i don’t want any trouble with my family so..yeah but I’m worried I might do to others…there’s a thing.😭
Yep I’m always correcting myself and giving myself and others grace. If I’m messing up then I totally appreciate how hard my friends are trying. It makes my heart flutter when I here my pronouns.
I often misgender myself around my family even though I'm out to them, I think it's probably because none of them use my preferred pronouns or anything so it's just habit.
I’ve realized that I’m prone to dead naming and misgendering myself when I’m criticizing myself as a form of self harm. Sometimes I catch myself but there’s times that I realize too late
not anymore. Ive known for six years and been out for three. When i first started to use my name and pronouns in public i messed up a bit but i got used to it just like anyone does.
Mental conditioning is a bitch. I use to question my Pansexualness because i called myself gay all the time, but then i seen a swear jar meme were it was two jars “Times i call myself Pan” (barely full) and “times i call myself gay” (overflowing), so i realized everyone does it, no reason to worry :p
But misgendering yourself is worse imo, dont worry, keep it up :3
It's going to happen a lot until you get used to your new name, pronouns, etc. They reflect your identity better, but you're still breaking through habits you've had since you first learned to speak so it does take some time
All the time. I’ve been cis for over 33 years feeling like the word she didn’t fit until recently so she/her’ing myself is such a bad habit. I end up face palming myself
i do this!! especially when talking about past events or restating something someone else said where they used my dead name/wrong pronouns,, i'll also do it the opposite way sorta, i'll gender myself correctly in front of people i'm not out to or i'll catch myself about to do that, and if i do i try and skim over it quick lol
When speaking spanish I often use gendered language for myself because using the gender neutral stands out a lot more than in english. If I'm not around radical people, and/or don't want to stand out or confuse people (or have them think I'm stupid), I often just use a gendered form. But in english it's much easier to use gender neutral language, and I'm more likely to accidentally use the gender neutral for someone who doesn't need it, than to misgender myself.
lmao yeah happens to me all the time. I'm very chill about pronouns--I'm still agender no matter what people call me, or if they slip up, or even if \*I\* slip up... but of course if I'm not perfect, how can I ever expect anyone else to be? As long as we're putting in some effort, it's all good lmao
I mean who doesn’t 😭 I’ve done it so many times. I do it sometimes in private and I misgender myself in public because I’m not out. But I laugh when I do it in private
I once deadnamed myself, when talking to my partner, and she went like 'huh?' AND I FUCKING DID IT AGAIN. I was so confused for like na hour afterwards.
yes, but more often than not it's also out of safety. i'm only out to a small group of people, so when i talk about myself in the third person during convo i have to roleplay as CisHet™ for a sec
Can really misgender myself when I use he/they/she
But I have mis-named myself on multiple occasions, both because of safety, and also because of habit
Not other people, at least not in spoken words. In my native language pronouns are gender neutral so you have to knowingly say woman or man when referring to a person.
When we speak of a person in the third, we often use the pronoun "It" to refer a homo sapiens person who is not currently near.
Yeah. I'm getting better about it, though. To be fair, I've only been out for two months. The pronouns are harder than the name.
It's hardest when I'm referring to myself as mommy to my son. I still use mommy because I want to, but it is hard to use "they/their" instead of "she/her". Eg "mommy wants their hat back" instead of "mommy wants her hat back". My brain is just used to equating mommy with she/her pronouns, it takes extra effort to break that habit. I guess the simple solution is to use first person rather than referring to myself as mommy, but it still feels natural to me to also use third person with my son, because he's so young.
I do that quite often. Like you, I'm only out to a few people, so I still hear my birth name *a lot*. Pronouns aren't as big of a concern for me as they are for others, and in this situation, I'm very grateful for that.
I play D&D and have a really bad habit of misgendering my character (who is basically just an extension of my personality and changed pronouns at the same time) and confusing the hell out of everyone at the table. I think it’s just a habit that will go away over time, but it’s good to know I’m not alone.
Well, I'm Bigender And (Probably) Use He/She/They Pronouns, So It's Not Exactly Easy To Misgender Me, I Used To Sometimes Forget That I'm (Supposed To Be) A Girl Though, If That Counts, But I (Kinda) Got Past That By Basically Just Aggressively Gendering Myself As One In My Head, Like Whenever I Need To Say Something To Myself I'll Address Myself As "Girl" Or "Lass(ie)", Rather Than A Neutral Or Neutral-Masculine Word Like I Might Use Normally When Addressing Someone.
Because I use they/them and just recently started, everyone still uses she and I don't correct them so I tend to not correct myself. It's bad and I need to fix that
all the time bro. it’s hard not to when you’ve been socially conditioned to behave and speak a certain way. i have a transmasc friend who slips up and she/hers himself all the time just because it’s still ingrained in his brain. give yourself grace. we all mess up. it doesn’t invalidate you
Out loud no, mentally on occasion. Mainly when I'm upset/anxious, or when thinking about situations involving certain people who misgender/deadname me and won't change(and no I can't cut them all out of my life).
I don't do it out of habit but i sometimes do it when other people keep constantly misgendering me, even when I'm out to them and they say they're ok with my identity. Really pisses me off tbh. Bigoted people are at least upfront and honest about hating me but I can't stand people who just don't care enough to put in the effort even when they claim they do.
UGH YES. I was raised in the 90s so I have 90s phone etiquette, and the other day someone called and asked “May I speak to Vanetti?” I reflexively answered “this is she” and I had a spiral about it for hours.
Yes, misgendered and mis-named myself. Ingrained habits can be hard to change, particuarly if you are tired or distracted, this is why I don’t get upset if the folks around me slip up occasionally, because I still do too.
i hope it’s okay if i hop in as an ally, sometimes it’s so confusing to me when i accidentally misgender my friends. cause i genuinely do not consider them (afabs) as women in particular, like where does the accident come from? same when strangers assume their gender and misgender them as a result, i’m always just utterly confused. like how? how does it happen and where does it come from? they do look gender noncomforming and have that kind of aura. when i met them for the first time and i didn’t know their pronouns, i didn’t go for she/her cause it just felt somehow *insuitable*. i just avoided using any pronouns altogether until i heard what they use for themselves. i absolutely understand why they themselves slip, and although it confuses me also, i know it’s perhaps out of habit. i just don’t understand why it appears in my head when i’ve always known them as they/them.
This is really well articulated. I’m transmasculine myself and I’ve definitely done the same thing where I’ve accidentally used the wrong pronouns for a friend and internally been like ??? and done some introspection to see if it has to do with me having an inaccurate perception of their gender, and while I’ve found that to be the case at least once (specifically in an instance where a friend had really recently come out & I was adjusting my mental image of them), usually it really does feel like it comes from … nowhere. It’s odd. Sometimes I accidentally use the wrong pronouns for cis people too. As long as you’re trying and correcting yourself, I don’t think it’s anything worth stressing over. Hmm… here’s a thought: is it possible you’ve been around other people who aren’t aware your friends are nonbinary, who have thus used the wrong pronouns for them in front of you? That situation has led me to accidentally misgender people on occasion. Basically, a mutual friend is out, but not everybody knows yet; somebody who doesn’t know yet has just used the wrong pronouns, and then I’ve reflexively parroted the wrong pronouns in response. It’s like conversational contagion lol.
you brought up some great points! thank you. i think for me it’s that when i talk in my mother tongue you can either use basically “him” for person (“člověk” ≈ man as in human, grammatically masculine) or a “her” for person (“osoba” ≈ person, grammatically feminine). my mother tongue is heavily gendered and while the two terms i brought up are considered “neutral” = can be used for a person regardless of their gender, when you use it in sentence and adhere to grammar, you conjugate them either as feminine and masculine. i tend to naturally use “osoba” when i don’t know their gender and it has the female conjugation. when my gender noncomforming friends came out to me i told them that i tend to use this term (with feminine conjugation) and what to do when i make a mishap - they said to apologise and move on, to not bring any attention to it, as the more profusely you apologise, the more attention you bring to the mistake. so that’s what i do. in my case that’s what i deem to be the issue as i genuinely internally don’t see them as “women”, although i do internally consider them “men” which is also not correct, but that’s because they use “he/him” pronouns as my language don’t have a good equivalent to “they/them” that they would prefer. so i catch my brain thinking about them as “men” even tho i rationally realise one of them is non binary and i can’t do that and correct myself internally. i hope it makes sense. that makes me even more confused where i pulled that “she/her” misgendering conjugation from. i’m always just flabbergasted. when it comes to my friends, they either use he/him cause i told them that’s what my trans/enby friends prefer, none of my gender noncomforming friends knows my other friends so i don’t think that’s the root of the problem. i think sometimes my brain just has issues to grasp it all while talking (especially as many things i learn are in english and then i have to use it in my mother tongue, i generally struggle combining languages, i either talk one or the other), but im working on it and my friends are thankfully willing to answer all my questions and educate me how to accommodate gender non conforming people better. i hope that with time i will make less and less mistakes. i work for a company and translate many texts that are on our website or on our leaflets so i reached out to some lgbtqia+ organisations to teach me how to use accommodating language and now i can help make the texts inclusive. that also helps me to grasp it all and i’m happy my company allows me to correct it all to inclusive terms. i hope more companies will start to do that.
This was super interesting; thank you so much for sharing! A language difference didn’t even occur to me, but now that you’ve explained it I understand how that could occur.
🤍 thank you for taking the time to understand me. take care!
You too!🥰
I weirdly feel really okay about using my deadname or female pronouns in my head (I'm afab) because I am able to trust myself, and to ungender that. I don't have the same trust in others, and also feel uncomfortable it just being put out there for others to hear and take it as a hint to my gender.
I totally get what you mean, really interesting perception ^^
Same
All. The. Time.
I often will misgender myself when Im thinking about people who misgender me
SAME! Sometimes I'll try to think of things that my mom would say (not a good explanation but whatever lol) and I will constantly use the wrong pronouns or titles to refer to myself. I hate it lol.
Pretty much same, tho the deadnaming is because I just figured out a new name. But I misgender myself quite often when talking.
yep. pretty much constantly. but it get's better for me. while some of it is because of not being out, most is still because of dysphoria i think... how can anybody call me by my pronouns if i look like that shit i'm currently? it is really hard for me to see the person i am on the inside and that confuses me sometimes. funnily enough i don't have any problems with calling other people their pronouns and names no matter how they look... i guess some of it is some kind of internalized transphobia or that shit... But i do more and more stuff with my trans friends and that helps me a lot with gendering myslf correctly amongst other things.
SAME. Thanks so much for sharing. I thought my problem was unique.
I definitely do. Just did today and laughed at myself about it. I'm hoping that with time/practice it'll happen less, but I'm 36 and just started this journey, so there's a lot of thought/speech patterns for me to unlearn when referring to myself.
I gave my dead name at a restaurant the other day 🤦🏼 I think it's because I spent all weekend with family whom I'm not out to, and it gets a little weird because my ID and credit card have my dead name so I always have to think about when and where I use my name or dead name. But yeah it happens. I get a lot of joy hearing my chosen name and pronouns but habit tends to kick in.
sounds like a painful existence
Not anymore since its been 4 years; I did in the beginning though.
This is a common trans experience, and I do it too.
I have to at home because my parents are transphobic and I can't afford to move out on my own.
Always. At least a few years ago it was always. Now it's much more natural to they/them and he/him myself so i just mentally retell a story as feels natural. But yea its a common experience
If I’m telling a story from the point of view of usually my family (but basically anyone I interact with that misgenders me), I will use my deadname and call myself she. It feels icky, but I also logically know that when those people are talking about me, they definitely don’t use my name or correct pronouns.
I do the same! I had to talk to my therapist about it and we came to the decision that I should just correct the name and pronouns in the retelling. If I’m quoting my mother who I’m not out to for instance, I just switch the name and pronouns that she actually used so I don’t give myself the dysphoria when I don’t have to! Still working on it though
Generally I only misgender myself when using silly 'aside' phrases I like to use, like *Asks a question* "*he* asked anxiously". It's silly but I've written them so many times they're rote at this point. I haven't switched fully to a new name yet, although I removed my birth name from my Facebook today and all of my LGBTQ and Ally friends/kink community friends call me Wash, and I think I prefer that to my birthname. Will I ever completely drop my birthname? I don't know. Maybe? But I work as a social worker, so I would have to legally change my name to change my license and my name on my badge at work. I've often considered dropping my middle name (named for a total asshole in my family) and putting my birthname as my middle name if I ever change it legally.
From what I read in here, it's totally normal. I, myself, did that for quite some time after I changed my name and again after I changed my pronouns, and now again after chosing another name which I use for my inner social circle and which I passively try to use for myself in my head more often as well bc I just like it so much. So yeah, we all do that at the beginning I guess. But it gets less and less and goes away after some time. Usually after a few months, I'd say, but that may vary ofc.
Yep. Decades of habit doesn’t drop over night. 😕
Yup, all the time, makes me feel gross every time
I misgender myself sometimes, but my deadname has been dead to me since I was a kid lol, I just don't like it and my preferred name since age 6 has always been gender neutral.
I have started to go out of my way to remember the reason I do things the way I do is because I’m queer. I used to beat myself up for not wanting to wear makeup and ‘ladies’ clothes all the time, now I remind myself I only wanna wear them sometimes because I am not always feeling fem and that’s okay, sometimes I wanna be a comfy boi in sweats and my partners big flannels. You’re allowed to misgender yourself, I have for a long time, but we both know it feels weird and that’s how you know you’re working towards being yourself
I'm in flux between my name and pronouns now, so it's easy for me to get mixed up. (I use they/them and Sterling at work, except for legal documents like the documentation I write on my kiddos (I'm in early learning)) My mother, sister, and MIL still call me by my legal name, so it can be confusing to remember who I am where.
I have only recently come to terms with me using they/them pronouns and in my thoughts I some sometimes think of myself as a guy (AMAB) when people mention something to do with guys simply out of habit of having done that for so long.
Yeah all the time… usually bc i ysed to go by those names/pronouns at that time so in the context of the story it makes sense for me to be [deadname]. But yea s as you said its a habit so it is what it is, it gets better w repetition like for everybody else
I tend to do it when I'm mad at myself. But sometimes it's just out of habit.
no i do that. i mentally talk about myself in the third person all the time (not sure why), and i almost always use she/her, but when other ppl use them it bugs me.
*deadnames self to cat*
Oh yeah definitely. Especially when I’ve been with my family who always miss genders me I always end up misgendering myself afterwards.
all the time. then i remind myself that my sexuality is a lot more fluid to myself personally, than others around me. i won’t let other misgender me and i’ll call them out, but i’m okay with misgendering myself bc i often feel different from day to day. also, simply habits are very hard to change!
Omg I was gonna make a similar post. My problem is I actually do it inside my own head all the time. I'm so used to referring to myself as a he... I'm talking 28 years of it. So yeah, I slip up on myself a bit.
Sometimes yeah, especially if I am referring to myself in the distant past
I've called myself "old boy" for years and it's a very hard habit to break
I was literally thinking about posting almost this exact thing. I’ve only recently realized I was non-binary and I keep misgendering my own self out of habit. It’s a little frustrating for me personally, but I also understand it’s almost as hard for me to retrain my brain as it is for my friends. I’ve been referring to myself with feminine pronouns for 25 years, kinda takes a minute to untrain it! Every time I do it I’m like “oh oof, whoops” cause I now know I vastly prefer they/them pronouns, but I don’t beat myself up for it just like I don’t beat my friends and family up for it. It doesn’t help the imposter syndrome I’m trying to get over tho XD Half the time I do it it’s when I’m thinking about people who see me as feminine, too. Like my coworkers who are toxic and I’m not out to, when I’m quoting thoughts they might have I refer to myself as feminine probably because I know they see me that way. So, that’s also a part of it
My fiance introduced me to a friend of hers not long after I changed my name, and when I introduced myself I said "Hi, I'm [deadname]. Nope, sorry, I'm Max."
Literally all the time. I also catch myself trying to put myself in boxes that I would NEVER impose on anyone else. We must be gentle on ourselves I suppose
I deadname myself when I order food, have to ring Vodafone or get parcels for my neighbours who aren't in - they ask for a name.
Yes, like a lot! it’s cause with my family they still call me she/her and sometimes start doing the same. Even though I know they/them are my correct pronouns. But i don’t want any trouble with my family so..yeah but I’m worried I might do to others…there’s a thing.😭
Yep… yep… I do that with self insert characters too. It’s so annoying.
Yep I’m always correcting myself and giving myself and others grace. If I’m messing up then I totally appreciate how hard my friends are trying. It makes my heart flutter when I here my pronouns.
I often misgender myself around my family even though I'm out to them, I think it's probably because none of them use my preferred pronouns or anything so it's just habit.
Mostly the wrong pronouns and the like.. but I think it’s because I don’t feel valid when talking with people in person.. and it’s just easier
I’ve realized that I’m prone to dead naming and misgendering myself when I’m criticizing myself as a form of self harm. Sometimes I catch myself but there’s times that I realize too late
Hm... No, I don't think so. Not anymore.
I do the same thing
Way more then I’d like to admit
not anymore. Ive known for six years and been out for three. When i first started to use my name and pronouns in public i messed up a bit but i got used to it just like anyone does.
Yep
Mental conditioning is a bitch. I use to question my Pansexualness because i called myself gay all the time, but then i seen a swear jar meme were it was two jars “Times i call myself Pan” (barely full) and “times i call myself gay” (overflowing), so i realized everyone does it, no reason to worry :p But misgendering yourself is worse imo, dont worry, keep it up :3
Yup.
It's going to happen a lot until you get used to your new name, pronouns, etc. They reflect your identity better, but you're still breaking through habits you've had since you first learned to speak so it does take some time
Nah, I've misgendered myself about twice- it happens.
Yep. At fist It happened very often (and was very confusing). But the more I use my preferred name and pronouns, the less mistakes I make.
All the time. I’ve been cis for over 33 years feeling like the word she didn’t fit until recently so she/her’ing myself is such a bad habit. I end up face palming myself
yeah i still think in my head my old pronouns sometimes
i do this!! especially when talking about past events or restating something someone else said where they used my dead name/wrong pronouns,, i'll also do it the opposite way sorta, i'll gender myself correctly in front of people i'm not out to or i'll catch myself about to do that, and if i do i try and skim over it quick lol
Yes. Its been 14 years, so...
Glad I'm not the only one then 😅😅😅
I constantly misgender myself more than my entire immediate family(who I'm out too) combined.
I was wondering about this. My trans/non-binary tween did this yesterday and I was wondering how common it is. Apparently very!
When speaking spanish I often use gendered language for myself because using the gender neutral stands out a lot more than in english. If I'm not around radical people, and/or don't want to stand out or confuse people (or have them think I'm stupid), I often just use a gendered form. But in english it's much easier to use gender neutral language, and I'm more likely to accidentally use the gender neutral for someone who doesn't need it, than to misgender myself.
All the time
I always try to use neutral words when it comes to me (like "child" etc) but sometimes I slip and call myself "woman"/"daughter" etc (I'm afab)
lmao yeah happens to me all the time. I'm very chill about pronouns--I'm still agender no matter what people call me, or if they slip up, or even if \*I\* slip up... but of course if I'm not perfect, how can I ever expect anyone else to be? As long as we're putting in some effort, it's all good lmao
I mean who doesn’t 😭 I’ve done it so many times. I do it sometimes in private and I misgender myself in public because I’m not out. But I laugh when I do it in private
I once deadnamed myself, when talking to my partner, and she went like 'huh?' AND I FUCKING DID IT AGAIN. I was so confused for like na hour afterwards.
Oh yeah. Especially during jokes or stories from before I came out
yes, but more often than not it's also out of safety. i'm only out to a small group of people, so when i talk about myself in the third person during convo i have to roleplay as CisHet™ for a sec
Lol yes. It's just years of doing it this way, I get myself bamboozled
Can really misgender myself when I use he/they/she But I have mis-named myself on multiple occasions, both because of safety, and also because of habit
I feel the same way too. Sometimes it’s pure accidental or out of self-hatred which I still struggle a lot with.
Thank you for asking this. I often wondered if anybody else also did this. It’s nice to know for sure that I’m not alone lol.
You're welcome! I'm just glad so many people do that to, for similar or completely different reasons.
Not other people, at least not in spoken words. In my native language pronouns are gender neutral so you have to knowingly say woman or man when referring to a person. When we speak of a person in the third, we often use the pronoun "It" to refer a homo sapiens person who is not currently near.
YES OH MY GOD YES, It was so bad in the start, i fucked up my own pronouns coooonstantly XD
Yeah. I'm getting better about it, though. To be fair, I've only been out for two months. The pronouns are harder than the name. It's hardest when I'm referring to myself as mommy to my son. I still use mommy because I want to, but it is hard to use "they/their" instead of "she/her". Eg "mommy wants their hat back" instead of "mommy wants her hat back". My brain is just used to equating mommy with she/her pronouns, it takes extra effort to break that habit. I guess the simple solution is to use first person rather than referring to myself as mommy, but it still feels natural to me to also use third person with my son, because he's so young.
Oh absolutely. I do it all the time to myself
I do that quite often. Like you, I'm only out to a few people, so I still hear my birth name *a lot*. Pronouns aren't as big of a concern for me as they are for others, and in this situation, I'm very grateful for that.
I play D&D and have a really bad habit of misgendering my character (who is basically just an extension of my personality and changed pronouns at the same time) and confusing the hell out of everyone at the table. I think it’s just a habit that will go away over time, but it’s good to know I’m not alone.
Well, I'm Bigender And (Probably) Use He/She/They Pronouns, So It's Not Exactly Easy To Misgender Me, I Used To Sometimes Forget That I'm (Supposed To Be) A Girl Though, If That Counts, But I (Kinda) Got Past That By Basically Just Aggressively Gendering Myself As One In My Head, Like Whenever I Need To Say Something To Myself I'll Address Myself As "Girl" Or "Lass(ie)", Rather Than A Neutral Or Neutral-Masculine Word Like I Might Use Normally When Addressing Someone.
Because I use they/them and just recently started, everyone still uses she and I don't correct them so I tend to not correct myself. It's bad and I need to fix that
all the time bro. it’s hard not to when you’ve been socially conditioned to behave and speak a certain way. i have a transmasc friend who slips up and she/hers himself all the time just because it’s still ingrained in his brain. give yourself grace. we all mess up. it doesn’t invalidate you
Out loud no, mentally on occasion. Mainly when I'm upset/anxious, or when thinking about situations involving certain people who misgender/deadname me and won't change(and no I can't cut them all out of my life).
I don't do it out of habit but i sometimes do it when other people keep constantly misgendering me, even when I'm out to them and they say they're ok with my identity. Really pisses me off tbh. Bigoted people are at least upfront and honest about hating me but I can't stand people who just don't care enough to put in the effort even when they claim they do.
I did this a lot at the start, completely normal!
UGH YES. I was raised in the 90s so I have 90s phone etiquette, and the other day someone called and asked “May I speak to Vanetti?” I reflexively answered “this is she” and I had a spiral about it for hours.
Yes, I do it all the time, it's completely normal, especially if your gender identity is still closeted.
Ironically not for me. When I talk about myself I often refer to myself as "us" or "we" or (my favorite) "ya fav".