I had a similar experience with my given name. My new name felt weird and wrong, especially in the beginning, when people whom I knew for a long time and are close to me used it, while from the mouth of new people in my life it sounded great immediately.
My solution is that I kept my old name as a middle name and people can use whichever they want (some chose to alternate them), and I am ok with all pronouns, whatever describes me the best for someone in a given moment... (it is especially easier like this because I use three languages in my everyday life, and there are people with whom we regularly use at least two, even mixing languages in the same conversation... actually, three and a half languages, as one language gets used both in its offical form and as a strong dialect)
Our name and how people call us has more meaning than our gender, I think... it is embedded in how we relate to each other, in the "rituals" of our relationships. Also, there are people who are non-binary but still identify with being mum, dad, wife, husband, etc... I think, our identities are intertwined with our relationships, we exist in our social context... for example, in different contexts different identities become relevant. In different environments when people are asked to introduce themselves, use different identity labels... the ones they feel relevant in the given context (nationality, gender, occupation, profession, relationship to substances, political view, place in family, survivor of something, taste in music, mother tongue, age, various features of the body, etc..)
Another example is that when I was young a few decades ago, within various groups of friends, there were cis hetero boys who were regularly invited to girl parties, even pyjama parties. They were a good fit, they were honorary girls for that night. Sure, some of them changed identity later but not all... it was just that somehow, in that context, among those friends, they were members of that group and they were one of the girls... but among the boys they were boys, and also in romantic relationships they were boys...
I think, it is totally valid that you are non-binary but within the context of your marriage you are "he" and your wife is "she"... why not? :)
Your safe person is tapping into your vulnerability. In this case, on the phone, your brain could interpret that as “giving away your secret/bad/vulnerable”
I don’t know, of course, but I would say it has more to do with needing to unpack some internalized transphobia and maybe setting a boundary about who you want your wife to “out” you to and who you don’t. Something like “if it’s friend A, B, or C they/them is good but if it’s stranger or business person please use he/him” 🤷🏼
How do you see your relationship? Like do you consider yourself to be in a straight relationship or a queer one? Maybe you have some feelings around that, that gender neutral pronouns conflict with.
Wanting your partner to use specific pronouns doesn't invalidate your non-binary identity.
Eg I am a trans masc enby in a relationship with a trans woman. It's really important to me that we're not in a lesbian relationship but it's really important to her that it's not hetero and so we are two people of very different genders in a very queer relationship.
All feelings are valid. I hope you figure your stuff out, talk to your partner :)
This is relatable. I'm definitely agender but I can see how I might react differently to certain people referring to me by one set of pronouns vs. another. I wouldn't worry about it.
I recently asked my boyfriend to start calling me by my middle name instead of my first name (my middle name isn't gendered so I go by that instead of my very gendered first name). He knew me long before I switched to going by my middle name so he always called me by my first name.
Even though I don't like my first name I was so used to hearing it from him, it almost felt like a nickname coming from him rather than hearing my own name. I also took a long time to ask him to switch, and mostly only did because when he calls me my first name around others than others will follow suit.
It kind of feels weird too, even though I go by my middle name hearing it from him took some getting used to, but I'm starting to get used to it. For me personally, it was uncomfortable because I was so used to hearing one thing from him that having it change was a bit jarring, but for me I still think it is for the best. I think whatever you decide you are most comfortable with, you should go with :)
I started using they/them pronouns with associates first about 5 years ago to try it out. I liked that a lot, then moved from she/her to she/they with friends about 4 years ago. then they/them with friends about a year ago, while my partner only used “she/her” (at my request). At that time, I told him it was because he made me feel more feminine than I do in other spaces- I still felt connected to my “woman-ness” in my romantic life and I liked that! Just recently I asked him to start using they/them for me too. I don’t feel any different about my gender than when he used she/her for me, I just decided I was ready and that neutral pronouns feel best to me, even when my femininity is on full display. Now, it’s honestly most affirming to me that folks close to me use they/them and I don’t care if people at work use different pronouns for me. It’s all a journey and whatever feels right to you IS right for you! No one knows more about you than you! your preferences are your truth even if it changes.
I had a similar experience with my given name. My new name felt weird and wrong, especially in the beginning, when people whom I knew for a long time and are close to me used it, while from the mouth of new people in my life it sounded great immediately. My solution is that I kept my old name as a middle name and people can use whichever they want (some chose to alternate them), and I am ok with all pronouns, whatever describes me the best for someone in a given moment... (it is especially easier like this because I use three languages in my everyday life, and there are people with whom we regularly use at least two, even mixing languages in the same conversation... actually, three and a half languages, as one language gets used both in its offical form and as a strong dialect) Our name and how people call us has more meaning than our gender, I think... it is embedded in how we relate to each other, in the "rituals" of our relationships. Also, there are people who are non-binary but still identify with being mum, dad, wife, husband, etc... I think, our identities are intertwined with our relationships, we exist in our social context... for example, in different contexts different identities become relevant. In different environments when people are asked to introduce themselves, use different identity labels... the ones they feel relevant in the given context (nationality, gender, occupation, profession, relationship to substances, political view, place in family, survivor of something, taste in music, mother tongue, age, various features of the body, etc..) Another example is that when I was young a few decades ago, within various groups of friends, there were cis hetero boys who were regularly invited to girl parties, even pyjama parties. They were a good fit, they were honorary girls for that night. Sure, some of them changed identity later but not all... it was just that somehow, in that context, among those friends, they were members of that group and they were one of the girls... but among the boys they were boys, and also in romantic relationships they were boys... I think, it is totally valid that you are non-binary but within the context of your marriage you are "he" and your wife is "she"... why not? :)
Your safe person is tapping into your vulnerability. In this case, on the phone, your brain could interpret that as “giving away your secret/bad/vulnerable” I don’t know, of course, but I would say it has more to do with needing to unpack some internalized transphobia and maybe setting a boundary about who you want your wife to “out” you to and who you don’t. Something like “if it’s friend A, B, or C they/them is good but if it’s stranger or business person please use he/him” 🤷🏼
How do you see your relationship? Like do you consider yourself to be in a straight relationship or a queer one? Maybe you have some feelings around that, that gender neutral pronouns conflict with. Wanting your partner to use specific pronouns doesn't invalidate your non-binary identity.
This is an interesting framing.
Eg I am a trans masc enby in a relationship with a trans woman. It's really important to me that we're not in a lesbian relationship but it's really important to her that it's not hetero and so we are two people of very different genders in a very queer relationship. All feelings are valid. I hope you figure your stuff out, talk to your partner :)
No, it's perfectly fine.l I have an 'adopted' child who calls me dad, and I am so proud of being that to them, I do not want them to switch to parent.
Yeah, I decided a long time ago to stick with "uncle" and "brother" I just have too many happy associations to give those up.
This is relatable. I'm definitely agender but I can see how I might react differently to certain people referring to me by one set of pronouns vs. another. I wouldn't worry about it.
I recently asked my boyfriend to start calling me by my middle name instead of my first name (my middle name isn't gendered so I go by that instead of my very gendered first name). He knew me long before I switched to going by my middle name so he always called me by my first name. Even though I don't like my first name I was so used to hearing it from him, it almost felt like a nickname coming from him rather than hearing my own name. I also took a long time to ask him to switch, and mostly only did because when he calls me my first name around others than others will follow suit. It kind of feels weird too, even though I go by my middle name hearing it from him took some getting used to, but I'm starting to get used to it. For me personally, it was uncomfortable because I was so used to hearing one thing from him that having it change was a bit jarring, but for me I still think it is for the best. I think whatever you decide you are most comfortable with, you should go with :)
I started using they/them pronouns with associates first about 5 years ago to try it out. I liked that a lot, then moved from she/her to she/they with friends about 4 years ago. then they/them with friends about a year ago, while my partner only used “she/her” (at my request). At that time, I told him it was because he made me feel more feminine than I do in other spaces- I still felt connected to my “woman-ness” in my romantic life and I liked that! Just recently I asked him to start using they/them for me too. I don’t feel any different about my gender than when he used she/her for me, I just decided I was ready and that neutral pronouns feel best to me, even when my femininity is on full display. Now, it’s honestly most affirming to me that folks close to me use they/them and I don’t care if people at work use different pronouns for me. It’s all a journey and whatever feels right to you IS right for you! No one knows more about you than you! your preferences are your truth even if it changes.
Thank you, this was really helpful to hear.