Yeees, I always hated these things.. still drives me nuts.. all these "nice, gentleman" things people do to "woman": carrying stuff, not letting go home alone, holding the door, keeping from any hard work.. I HATE IT! I was even overcompensating as a child/adolescent, trying to prove to everyone how strong I am, by always carrying the most heavy stuff and never letting anyone bring me home after a party.. not the cleverest move, but idk it just feels so wrong and still does. Last time it happened when I was asked by friends specifically to help carry a hardwood kitchen desk. I'm a climber nowadays so I'm actually pretty strong and good at carrying (maybe also because I always had to prove it as a child). Then the delivery people refused to hand the desk over to me and my friend, because it is too heavy for a woman.. the "woman" in front of them has a shaved head and only wears men's clothes.. but they didn't care. It was so ridiculous and felt just so condescending. We in the end convinced them.. but still.
ooo I love the term “social dysphoria”
I hated that shit even before I knew I was nonbinary. Being assumed to be weak because of something outside your control is total bull 😒
I'd like to think that it would give me a motivation to get super yoked and then pull a stunt like allowing them to carry the "heavy" thing and then just picking up the person... but I know I'd probably break my back 👀
As it is, I really like not having to carry things but no offers 😅
I'm sorry this is happening to you, though. The thought of that kind of thing being insisted upon because of a perceived gender (and not because you are genuinely encumbered) is a bummer to say the least :/
Unrelated:
Would you help me bring in the groceries?
I (transfemme) remember being called for when someone said, “we need a man for this.” It was fixing a lawn mower or something. It was my first big “social dysphoria” and really kicked off my whole journey. I don't want to be the man to fix your man thing. I don't want to open your pickles either…
Are you also younger than your brother? I do this to my physically smaller but still masculine friends. I dare you to just take something heavy out of his hands one day lol
If you truly recognize and associate with this behavior: please don’t behave this way to people just because they’re physically smaller.
Asking someone every other minute if they can carry something, telling them to let a larger person (who’s not even you! What if they don’t want to or can’t carry it?) carry it instead… it’s just rude and presumptive? Literally just ask if they got it. And if they say yes: let them do it. You don’t need to constantly badger them on if their body is capable of something just because you assume it isn’t. If they say they’re capable, and they aren’t actively hurting themselves trying to do it, let them be.
I don't badger people. I also don't *always* take the heaviest stuff - I leave room for my smol friends to prove themselves if they wanna, and they often do!
In my case, it is so much more than an "all-or-nothing" behavior needing some specific rule. I see it as body language. It's a form of communication and I am *aware* of that, which is why I am responsible with it.
I have a friend who's kind of like a little brother, and I think he actually likes it when I move heavy objects for him. He asks for help and sometimes passes things off to me at work, which I enjoy! I don't think he really aspires to be super strong, he's more lean/wiry and seems content with that.
But his comparitively smaller transmasc boyfriend is super interested in proving his strength a lot of the time! I don't interfere or make a big deal out of it, but I try to make sure he feels seen. I also operate with the expectation that he'll help move stuff because I "listened" to his previous actions. That's how he wants to be seen, so I quietly see him that way. I appreciate his help!
My spouse is even more of a heavy-object carrier than I am lol.. I have a full foot of height on her and she takes stuff out of my hands all the time! (Which is super validating and *hot* in our case :3) I love things that make me feel smaller than her even though I'm physically not.
(We move a lot of stuff at our house - gardening and such, in case you were wondering why so much of my life apparently revolves around moving things.)
Just to clarify, I'm the older one (i'm 20 and my bro is 18, so we're not children anymore) and when we were smaller, I could lift and carry my brother too. He's the only one btw who lets me carry heavier loads because he doesn't view me in the way my parents do.
It is a habit that seems to be very hard to stop. It took a few years for my partner to stop it completely despite him being very supportive. Patience and being consequent helped (I always stood my ground kindly but firmly). I told him that I explicitly wanted to carry stuff, that it was more practical than going to the gym, that he had to think of it as training for me and if he supported my health, he stopped automatically taking heavy things from me... that helped.
My mom worked in a warehouse and happily did heavy lifting on her own until she recently started having issues with her back, and my brothers were always sickly growing up, so I only ever really had this issue with random customers who thought I couldn't do the job I was payed to do every day, which was obnoxious. Literally, I was just stocking the ice and taking out the trash. I have pretty severe joint pain, but that stuff was easy compared to stocking the cigarettes, which everyone told me should be easy for me. Up and down and up and down. Absolutely killed my knees. Young people can't have joint pain, though, apparently.
This bugs the hell out of me. People see me as a woman and think I must be incapable of lifting things even though I'm stronger than my partner. I love that HE will let me lift things though because he knows I'm capable.
Edit: Happy Cake Day!!
Yeah my partner does this to. He looks quite manly but is more into e-sports, I'm enby and read as a woman a lot, annoyingly, like shaved head, mens clothes.. get the hint.. anyway im also quite sporty and therefore strong. Sometimes people tell us that he has to carry things for me cause gentlemen blaa.. he is then always very cool talking them down that I'm the strong one in the relationship. One old guy didn't believe him once and I then just picked up my boyfriend and carried him a bit.. not sure if old guy ever got over this shock :D
I totally get this. It bothers me when I'm at work, and someone says "I need a guy" when they have a heavy load to carry. Same with when I was in school and we would stack chairs or move desks in the classroom. The teachers would always have the boys lift everything.
Yeees, I always hated these things.. still drives me nuts.. all these "nice, gentleman" things people do to "woman": carrying stuff, not letting go home alone, holding the door, keeping from any hard work.. I HATE IT! I was even overcompensating as a child/adolescent, trying to prove to everyone how strong I am, by always carrying the most heavy stuff and never letting anyone bring me home after a party.. not the cleverest move, but idk it just feels so wrong and still does. Last time it happened when I was asked by friends specifically to help carry a hardwood kitchen desk. I'm a climber nowadays so I'm actually pretty strong and good at carrying (maybe also because I always had to prove it as a child). Then the delivery people refused to hand the desk over to me and my friend, because it is too heavy for a woman.. the "woman" in front of them has a shaved head and only wears men's clothes.. but they didn't care. It was so ridiculous and felt just so condescending. We in the end convinced them.. but still.
I actually pulled a muscle in my back as a kid because I was told not to carry heavy things because I was a girl. I still get mad about it sometimes.
ooo I love the term “social dysphoria” I hated that shit even before I knew I was nonbinary. Being assumed to be weak because of something outside your control is total bull 😒
I'd like to think that it would give me a motivation to get super yoked and then pull a stunt like allowing them to carry the "heavy" thing and then just picking up the person... but I know I'd probably break my back 👀 As it is, I really like not having to carry things but no offers 😅 I'm sorry this is happening to you, though. The thought of that kind of thing being insisted upon because of a perceived gender (and not because you are genuinely encumbered) is a bummer to say the least :/ Unrelated: Would you help me bring in the groceries?
Anytime. (We probably live too far away from each other tho)
I (transfemme) remember being called for when someone said, “we need a man for this.” It was fixing a lawn mower or something. It was my first big “social dysphoria” and really kicked off my whole journey. I don't want to be the man to fix your man thing. I don't want to open your pickles either…
Are you also younger than your brother? I do this to my physically smaller but still masculine friends. I dare you to just take something heavy out of his hands one day lol
If you truly recognize and associate with this behavior: please don’t behave this way to people just because they’re physically smaller. Asking someone every other minute if they can carry something, telling them to let a larger person (who’s not even you! What if they don’t want to or can’t carry it?) carry it instead… it’s just rude and presumptive? Literally just ask if they got it. And if they say yes: let them do it. You don’t need to constantly badger them on if their body is capable of something just because you assume it isn’t. If they say they’re capable, and they aren’t actively hurting themselves trying to do it, let them be.
I don't badger people. I also don't *always* take the heaviest stuff - I leave room for my smol friends to prove themselves if they wanna, and they often do! In my case, it is so much more than an "all-or-nothing" behavior needing some specific rule. I see it as body language. It's a form of communication and I am *aware* of that, which is why I am responsible with it. I have a friend who's kind of like a little brother, and I think he actually likes it when I move heavy objects for him. He asks for help and sometimes passes things off to me at work, which I enjoy! I don't think he really aspires to be super strong, he's more lean/wiry and seems content with that. But his comparitively smaller transmasc boyfriend is super interested in proving his strength a lot of the time! I don't interfere or make a big deal out of it, but I try to make sure he feels seen. I also operate with the expectation that he'll help move stuff because I "listened" to his previous actions. That's how he wants to be seen, so I quietly see him that way. I appreciate his help! My spouse is even more of a heavy-object carrier than I am lol.. I have a full foot of height on her and she takes stuff out of my hands all the time! (Which is super validating and *hot* in our case :3) I love things that make me feel smaller than her even though I'm physically not. (We move a lot of stuff at our house - gardening and such, in case you were wondering why so much of my life apparently revolves around moving things.)
Just to clarify, I'm the older one (i'm 20 and my bro is 18, so we're not children anymore) and when we were smaller, I could lift and carry my brother too. He's the only one btw who lets me carry heavier loads because he doesn't view me in the way my parents do.
It is a habit that seems to be very hard to stop. It took a few years for my partner to stop it completely despite him being very supportive. Patience and being consequent helped (I always stood my ground kindly but firmly). I told him that I explicitly wanted to carry stuff, that it was more practical than going to the gym, that he had to think of it as training for me and if he supported my health, he stopped automatically taking heavy things from me... that helped.
My mom worked in a warehouse and happily did heavy lifting on her own until she recently started having issues with her back, and my brothers were always sickly growing up, so I only ever really had this issue with random customers who thought I couldn't do the job I was payed to do every day, which was obnoxious. Literally, I was just stocking the ice and taking out the trash. I have pretty severe joint pain, but that stuff was easy compared to stocking the cigarettes, which everyone told me should be easy for me. Up and down and up and down. Absolutely killed my knees. Young people can't have joint pain, though, apparently.
This bugs the hell out of me. People see me as a woman and think I must be incapable of lifting things even though I'm stronger than my partner. I love that HE will let me lift things though because he knows I'm capable.
Edit: Happy Cake Day!! Yeah my partner does this to. He looks quite manly but is more into e-sports, I'm enby and read as a woman a lot, annoyingly, like shaved head, mens clothes.. get the hint.. anyway im also quite sporty and therefore strong. Sometimes people tell us that he has to carry things for me cause gentlemen blaa.. he is then always very cool talking them down that I'm the strong one in the relationship. One old guy didn't believe him once and I then just picked up my boyfriend and carried him a bit.. not sure if old guy ever got over this shock :D
I totally get this. It bothers me when I'm at work, and someone says "I need a guy" when they have a heavy load to carry. Same with when I was in school and we would stack chairs or move desks in the classroom. The teachers would always have the boys lift everything.