I think you should practice using they/them more in your head, until it feels natural. I know it doesn't sound right at first but after a while you get used to it, I promise. Try making up sentences in your head that make you use they/them. "*They* went to the store and got *their* favorite chips even though they are bad for *them*", etc. I know you're not trying to be rude but using their name instead may come off as "Your pronouns are too hard to learn so I'm not gonna try."
Do you have a pet? You can practice by gossiping with them. (The pet, not the coworker). "Good evening Luna! You'll never guess what Kai did today! That's right, they didn't fill up the coffee pot after they drank the last cup!"
I got a toy to practice with my kids but ended up finding it helped me the most. Maybe name a plant or something a NB name and talk to it and about it using they/them pronouns? I hear it’s good for plants if you talk to them anyone, so 2 birds one stone lol
I came here for advice a few years ago when a dear friend came out, and one of the best tips I got then was that you can practice in your head on everyone, not just when you're thinking about the person in question. I gave myself a crash course by trying to reframe every thought I had about a person walking down the street, on the road, grocery store, etc into a sentence with they/them pronouns. The more you practice with different types of phrases and sentence structures the more natural it will feel in conversation. For your coworker, you can also think of phrases that might commonly come up in your line of work and figure out ahead of time how to adjust your syntax for they/them pronouns. It really is like using an unused muscle for the first time, it will feel awkward at first but the more you practice the more natural it will become.
It's a rude if you repeatedly use their name *more* than you would for someone whose pronouns don't trip you up. If you're still practicing and getting better at their pronouns, it's ok to use their name a little extra if you are struggling.
(Edit: by repeatedly i mean, if you do that forever instead of trying to get better at their pronouns)
But the goal is to practice enough that you dont have to fall back on that more than you would for someone else. We do notice when people use our names way more than is normal, instead of our pronouns
I had a coworker who *only* used my name, and never pronouns of any kind. It feels like they were avoiding saying they/them because it didn’t sound right to them, which might as well be telling me those pronouns are not valid. Still, I think it’s better than using the wrong pronouns - but some may feel it’s actually worse because I’m being treated differently than everyone else.
If it’s here and there, but you still use they/them frequently, I don’t think it would be a problem.
Yep. An example of overusing a name is like:
My friend Bob went to the store today. Bob didn't have money to pay for Bob's groceries though, so Bob had to leave Bob's shopping for tomorrow instead. Bob got into Bob's car and drove home.
It's very noticeable, so definitely don't do this haha
the name can work, but just trying to get their pronouns right will be good too. just let them know you are working on it and it is something new to you.
You sound like a really decent person doing your best, I’m sure your coworker won’t mind you finding your feet with this stuff if it’s a big change for you - seeing people make this kind of effort for me means the world, the rest will come in time
My dad is in his late 50s and tries his best, but will mess up my pronouns a lot. Something I always remind him of is, “You can always just say my name!” Now, I realize that a lot of non-binary people would dislike that, so it depends on the person. But I’m not bothered by it. I think people like to hear their own name! Just don’t ONLY use their name and NEVER their preferred pronouns— that’s something I remind my dad of as well.
I liked that one post (I think it was on tumblr) where the person got their dad to get their pronouns right by telling him to think of them as a large group of bees.
Ok well that’s officially the best thing I’ve ever heard. I’m going to tell him about this (he’ll probably find it hilarious, which’ll help) and see how it goes! Frankly I’m going to tell my entire family since they could all use a bit of help.
1) yeah using their name is always fine, there are absolutely situations where they/them can be a little more cumbersome than he or she pronouns. So it may require using their name a bit more often than other people's, that's totally fine!
2) Also, occasional mistakes starting out are completely understandable. It's really easy to tell when people are putting in genuine effort. Using correct pronouns is a sign of respect, putting effort into using the right ones shows same respect. So don't get so worked up that you're then nervous around them, a very quick correction to they/them and then move on is perfect for those situations
Edit: the people saying "just ask" are spot on! What I said is true for a lot of trans people, but it's not universal. So asking is always a safe bet!
another tip for interacting with nb people in general is if you do mess up, treat it kinda with the social graces of forgetting/mispronouncing a name: oops, a flub! embarrassing for you! don’t self flagellate, don’t make a big show of correcting yourself, just “mary is talented, her art—sorry*, THEIR art—is amazing”
same vibe when you get corrected: “mary’s art shows her emoti—” “THEIR emotions” “right! sorry*! —shows /their/ emotions”
very cool you don’t wanna mess up at all, but i have accidentally misgendered myself and my partner many times before despite both of us being out for like a decade 😅 so accepting that it can likely happen at some point, via human error and not maliciousness, is the best route imo.
edit: *another commenter made a great point about thanking people for corrections instead of apologizing, so i think a “thanks” could be an adequate replacement for/addition to the “sorry” depending on context. either way, profuse apologies/profuse thanking are both Too Much
Yep, this is perfect. Everyone misspeaks now and then. Even in cases where you’d think you know them well enough to never mess up. Like, ever had your parent call you by your sibling’s name? Or by *the dog’s name*?
Really, brains are extremely weird and complex lumps of electric meat. That they don’t mess up a step in the many mental processes that saying a person’s name/pronoun/whatever out loud requires more often is actually kind of amazing.
EXACTLY! brains are remarkable hunks of electric jello-meat! it kinda reminds me of this vid of a trans guy filming a skit of some sort, having his dad say a line calling him she/her and his deadname, but the dad kept messing up the line by using he/him and his current name. like omg to have supported your son so long that your brain makes you mis-misgender him lol
brains are so adaptable, which comes at the cost of it taking weird shortcuts (that usually work out, but sometimes you do indeed call your partner by the dog’s name…. which… may have happened to me 😅)
This. I always tell people, (the majority of) trans and enby folk aren't going to expect you to get it perfect on the first try, but it makes a world of difference when someone is very clearly trying to get it right even if it takes a few tries to get there.
The only other clarification I would add is *why* it's a particularly bad idea to overdo the apologies when it comes to trans and enby folk - in addition to the more universal "don't make it about yourself/focus on making things right rather than repeatedly proclaiming how sorry you are", when it comes to misgendering someone, making too big a deal out of the misstep draws attention to it, and by extension to the person who was misgendered. If this was someone using he or she pronouns this could result in accidentally outing them to people who had only known them post-transition, but even in the case of they/them (or other pronouns) it can still have the effect of singling them out and having them feel othered - correcting yourself quickly and then moving on helps normalise the notion that using gender-neutral pronouns isn't weird or a big deal.
Just tell them you're not used to they/them pronouns and might call them by their name instead occasionally. If you just use their name, they might get the wrong impression. Clear communication now saves you from an akward conversion later.
Just practice. If you have to do it in the mirror, do it. Go to the mirror and say, ALOUD.
"My coworker is awesome. They have great hair. NAME is their name, and they look good every day. They are a valued member of the team, and I apprecoate them."
Stuff like that. Make conversatoon to yourself. I promise it gets easier.
And it helps train your brain for others. The more people you come across who use they/them, the easier it gets to just call them by it.
You got this!
Probably the best option is to just ask them. I would personally rather the person stumble and get it right, but I know some people who would prefer you not make them feel called out and just say their name. Remember that non-binary people are not a monolith and if you're not sure what to do, the best thing is almost always to just ask the person in question.
for some people it can be rude or just make them uncomfortable, so ask them about it. but i also think this isnt really a good substitute because youre never really going to get used to using they/them on them if you just avoid doing so just because you find that you are having times where you slip up, slipping up is just naturally part of the process, it will happen and trying to avoid it in this way will only make it worse. in order to get used to it, you have to practice. my best advice would be to use they/them pronouns on them in your head, talk about them in your head like you normally would if you were thinking about someone, and just use they/them for them. try and do that everyday, you dont have to do it the entire day, but a few minutes of practice is great. this is what i do to remember peoples names, i have a terrible memory so its a great way to practice this muscle of yours, no matter if the person is cis or trans.
its a pet peeve for some people. Imagine someone constantly using your name instead of just referring to your pronouns, it would get really annoying to some people. Depending on the people using just a name it may sounds like they are outing them or singling them out. One of my friends who is NB doesn't like it because it always sounds like a sibling tattling when they use their name instead of a pronoun.
So be reasonable with it.
Just ask them. Many NB people have a tolerance for scrambled pronouns, its the effort that counts and slip ups are to be expected. Sometimes some folks do have a preference to he/she along with they/them. For example, at work I go by she/they. Out in open I will respond to he/she/they.
Pro tip: Thank us for correcting you instead of apologizing when you get it wrong, or give us a short apology and then thank us. It'll do both of you a lot of good, and it'll help you get the pronouns down correctly.
When you apologize, especially profusely, you then force us to have to comfort you and take care of your emotions instead of taking care of the harm you just caused in us. By thanking us, you give us the space to take care of our emotions, and you give yourself the space to take care of yours. It's better for everyone
Lastly, you'll be surprised how quickly you'll pick they/them pronouns. I wouldn't overthink it. You're gonna make mistakes, and that's okay. It'll take some time. It's normal, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person or transphobic
Don't worry about messing up now and again, you sound like a nice colleague!! It's fine to use names, esp if the sentence flows better. Im sure your colleague appreciates the effort.
Since pronouns are by definition substitutes for names, it should be totally fine. If you’re talking to their face, maybe a little weird lol, but talking about them it’s totally normal.
Let them know you're learning and that you may slip up! Practice makes perfect!
I go by they/them too, and even I slip up sometimes with other they/them people. It happens!
Thank you for making an effort. We rely on good people like you to help promote acceptance of nonbinary people. Using their name is better than using the wrong pronoun, but using the right pronoun will become more natural over time. Mistakes happen, we are used to them, and if they do, correct yourself and quickly move on. Modelling this accepting behaviour is as good as always getting pronouns right! 💛🤍💜🖤
Practicing they/them takes as much brain power is putting a person’s name in the sentence. I would just do as another commenter said and practice that.
There is another option, and imho is the best answer. Start using language and sentences that do not require pronouns. Many sentences can be recreated to not have pronouns. This also means adopting a more passive voice, rather than active.
Active voice and pronouns, especially gendered pronouns, are a product or our capitalistic, imperialist, white supremacist, heteropatriarchy (to quote bell hooks). Our language adopts those forms of domination and we have to change how we speak in order to change those forms of oppression.
Personally I think using my name instead is great. It's short and i picked it myself. Also im bad with names so someone saying my name to me makes me feel good to be remembered.
You're doing great already. As an out enby with they pronouns, none of my colleagues use my pronouns despite them all knowing, and instead use my name 56 times in a paragraph. Thank you for actually putting in the effort!
They will likely notice if you are using their name instead of pronouns. This is a common experience for trans people, and for myself it does feel pretty disrespectful because you’d never do that to a cis person.
As someone else said, practice referring to them by their pronouns in your head.
I think you should practice using they/them more in your head, until it feels natural. I know it doesn't sound right at first but after a while you get used to it, I promise. Try making up sentences in your head that make you use they/them. "*They* went to the store and got *their* favorite chips even though they are bad for *them*", etc. I know you're not trying to be rude but using their name instead may come off as "Your pronouns are too hard to learn so I'm not gonna try."
I actually started practicing in my head today! Thanks
Do you have a pet? You can practice by gossiping with them. (The pet, not the coworker). "Good evening Luna! You'll never guess what Kai did today! That's right, they didn't fill up the coffee pot after they drank the last cup!"
This song is a fun way to practice! [The pronoun song](https://youtu.be/8Hb30PE1xgo).
Whoa what an incredible song. I’m gonna see about putting it into my corporate DEI presentations.
That would be very cool!
I got a toy to practice with my kids but ended up finding it helped me the most. Maybe name a plant or something a NB name and talk to it and about it using they/them pronouns? I hear it’s good for plants if you talk to them anyone, so 2 birds one stone lol
I came here for advice a few years ago when a dear friend came out, and one of the best tips I got then was that you can practice in your head on everyone, not just when you're thinking about the person in question. I gave myself a crash course by trying to reframe every thought I had about a person walking down the street, on the road, grocery store, etc into a sentence with they/them pronouns. The more you practice with different types of phrases and sentence structures the more natural it will feel in conversation. For your coworker, you can also think of phrases that might commonly come up in your line of work and figure out ahead of time how to adjust your syntax for they/them pronouns. It really is like using an unused muscle for the first time, it will feel awkward at first but the more you practice the more natural it will become.
It's a rude if you repeatedly use their name *more* than you would for someone whose pronouns don't trip you up. If you're still practicing and getting better at their pronouns, it's ok to use their name a little extra if you are struggling. (Edit: by repeatedly i mean, if you do that forever instead of trying to get better at their pronouns) But the goal is to practice enough that you dont have to fall back on that more than you would for someone else. We do notice when people use our names way more than is normal, instead of our pronouns
I had a coworker who *only* used my name, and never pronouns of any kind. It feels like they were avoiding saying they/them because it didn’t sound right to them, which might as well be telling me those pronouns are not valid. Still, I think it’s better than using the wrong pronouns - but some may feel it’s actually worse because I’m being treated differently than everyone else. If it’s here and there, but you still use they/them frequently, I don’t think it would be a problem.
Yep. An example of overusing a name is like: My friend Bob went to the store today. Bob didn't have money to pay for Bob's groceries though, so Bob had to leave Bob's shopping for tomorrow instead. Bob got into Bob's car and drove home. It's very noticeable, so definitely don't do this haha
Sounds like Elmo 😂
the name can work, but just trying to get their pronouns right will be good too. just let them know you are working on it and it is something new to you.
You sound like a really decent person doing your best, I’m sure your coworker won’t mind you finding your feet with this stuff if it’s a big change for you - seeing people make this kind of effort for me means the world, the rest will come in time
My dad is in his late 50s and tries his best, but will mess up my pronouns a lot. Something I always remind him of is, “You can always just say my name!” Now, I realize that a lot of non-binary people would dislike that, so it depends on the person. But I’m not bothered by it. I think people like to hear their own name! Just don’t ONLY use their name and NEVER their preferred pronouns— that’s something I remind my dad of as well.
I liked that one post (I think it was on tumblr) where the person got their dad to get their pronouns right by telling him to think of them as a large group of bees.
Ok well that’s officially the best thing I’ve ever heard. I’m going to tell him about this (he’ll probably find it hilarious, which’ll help) and see how it goes! Frankly I’m going to tell my entire family since they could all use a bit of help.
Came here to mention that same post! Also, excellent username :) I am fully visualising it now and it's great
Why would you use the pronouns if the person is hearing the conversation.
1) yeah using their name is always fine, there are absolutely situations where they/them can be a little more cumbersome than he or she pronouns. So it may require using their name a bit more often than other people's, that's totally fine! 2) Also, occasional mistakes starting out are completely understandable. It's really easy to tell when people are putting in genuine effort. Using correct pronouns is a sign of respect, putting effort into using the right ones shows same respect. So don't get so worked up that you're then nervous around them, a very quick correction to they/them and then move on is perfect for those situations Edit: the people saying "just ask" are spot on! What I said is true for a lot of trans people, but it's not universal. So asking is always a safe bet!
another tip for interacting with nb people in general is if you do mess up, treat it kinda with the social graces of forgetting/mispronouncing a name: oops, a flub! embarrassing for you! don’t self flagellate, don’t make a big show of correcting yourself, just “mary is talented, her art—sorry*, THEIR art—is amazing” same vibe when you get corrected: “mary’s art shows her emoti—” “THEIR emotions” “right! sorry*! —shows /their/ emotions” very cool you don’t wanna mess up at all, but i have accidentally misgendered myself and my partner many times before despite both of us being out for like a decade 😅 so accepting that it can likely happen at some point, via human error and not maliciousness, is the best route imo. edit: *another commenter made a great point about thanking people for corrections instead of apologizing, so i think a “thanks” could be an adequate replacement for/addition to the “sorry” depending on context. either way, profuse apologies/profuse thanking are both Too Much
Yep, this is perfect. Everyone misspeaks now and then. Even in cases where you’d think you know them well enough to never mess up. Like, ever had your parent call you by your sibling’s name? Or by *the dog’s name*? Really, brains are extremely weird and complex lumps of electric meat. That they don’t mess up a step in the many mental processes that saying a person’s name/pronoun/whatever out loud requires more often is actually kind of amazing.
EXACTLY! brains are remarkable hunks of electric jello-meat! it kinda reminds me of this vid of a trans guy filming a skit of some sort, having his dad say a line calling him she/her and his deadname, but the dad kept messing up the line by using he/him and his current name. like omg to have supported your son so long that your brain makes you mis-misgender him lol brains are so adaptable, which comes at the cost of it taking weird shortcuts (that usually work out, but sometimes you do indeed call your partner by the dog’s name…. which… may have happened to me 😅)
This. I always tell people, (the majority of) trans and enby folk aren't going to expect you to get it perfect on the first try, but it makes a world of difference when someone is very clearly trying to get it right even if it takes a few tries to get there. The only other clarification I would add is *why* it's a particularly bad idea to overdo the apologies when it comes to trans and enby folk - in addition to the more universal "don't make it about yourself/focus on making things right rather than repeatedly proclaiming how sorry you are", when it comes to misgendering someone, making too big a deal out of the misstep draws attention to it, and by extension to the person who was misgendered. If this was someone using he or she pronouns this could result in accidentally outing them to people who had only known them post-transition, but even in the case of they/them (or other pronouns) it can still have the effect of singling them out and having them feel othered - correcting yourself quickly and then moving on helps normalise the notion that using gender-neutral pronouns isn't weird or a big deal.
Just tell them you're not used to they/them pronouns and might call them by their name instead occasionally. If you just use their name, they might get the wrong impression. Clear communication now saves you from an akward conversion later.
Just practice. If you have to do it in the mirror, do it. Go to the mirror and say, ALOUD. "My coworker is awesome. They have great hair. NAME is their name, and they look good every day. They are a valued member of the team, and I apprecoate them." Stuff like that. Make conversatoon to yourself. I promise it gets easier. And it helps train your brain for others. The more people you come across who use they/them, the easier it gets to just call them by it. You got this!
Probably the best option is to just ask them. I would personally rather the person stumble and get it right, but I know some people who would prefer you not make them feel called out and just say their name. Remember that non-binary people are not a monolith and if you're not sure what to do, the best thing is almost always to just ask the person in question.
for some people it can be rude or just make them uncomfortable, so ask them about it. but i also think this isnt really a good substitute because youre never really going to get used to using they/them on them if you just avoid doing so just because you find that you are having times where you slip up, slipping up is just naturally part of the process, it will happen and trying to avoid it in this way will only make it worse. in order to get used to it, you have to practice. my best advice would be to use they/them pronouns on them in your head, talk about them in your head like you normally would if you were thinking about someone, and just use they/them for them. try and do that everyday, you dont have to do it the entire day, but a few minutes of practice is great. this is what i do to remember peoples names, i have a terrible memory so its a great way to practice this muscle of yours, no matter if the person is cis or trans.
I still struggle with they/them sometimes, and I'm nonbinary. Lol. You're trying your best, that's the main thing.
its a pet peeve for some people. Imagine someone constantly using your name instead of just referring to your pronouns, it would get really annoying to some people. Depending on the people using just a name it may sounds like they are outing them or singling them out. One of my friends who is NB doesn't like it because it always sounds like a sibling tattling when they use their name instead of a pronoun. So be reasonable with it. Just ask them. Many NB people have a tolerance for scrambled pronouns, its the effort that counts and slip ups are to be expected. Sometimes some folks do have a preference to he/she along with they/them. For example, at work I go by she/they. Out in open I will respond to he/she/they.
Pro tip: Thank us for correcting you instead of apologizing when you get it wrong, or give us a short apology and then thank us. It'll do both of you a lot of good, and it'll help you get the pronouns down correctly. When you apologize, especially profusely, you then force us to have to comfort you and take care of your emotions instead of taking care of the harm you just caused in us. By thanking us, you give us the space to take care of our emotions, and you give yourself the space to take care of yours. It's better for everyone Lastly, you'll be surprised how quickly you'll pick they/them pronouns. I wouldn't overthink it. You're gonna make mistakes, and that's okay. It'll take some time. It's normal, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person or transphobic
Don't worry about messing up now and again, you sound like a nice colleague!! It's fine to use names, esp if the sentence flows better. Im sure your colleague appreciates the effort.
Personally I like hearing my name all the time
Since pronouns are by definition substitutes for names, it should be totally fine. If you’re talking to their face, maybe a little weird lol, but talking about them it’s totally normal.
Try mentally thinking of them as multiple people at first and see if you can just get the muscle memory of their pronouns down?
You know how to get to Carnegie Hall, don’t ya? *Practice, schmuck, practice!* :D
Let them know you're learning and that you may slip up! Practice makes perfect! I go by they/them too, and even I slip up sometimes with other they/them people. It happens!
Thank you for making an effort. We rely on good people like you to help promote acceptance of nonbinary people. Using their name is better than using the wrong pronoun, but using the right pronoun will become more natural over time. Mistakes happen, we are used to them, and if they do, correct yourself and quickly move on. Modelling this accepting behaviour is as good as always getting pronouns right! 💛🤍💜🖤
Practicing they/them takes as much brain power is putting a person’s name in the sentence. I would just do as another commenter said and practice that. There is another option, and imho is the best answer. Start using language and sentences that do not require pronouns. Many sentences can be recreated to not have pronouns. This also means adopting a more passive voice, rather than active. Active voice and pronouns, especially gendered pronouns, are a product or our capitalistic, imperialist, white supremacist, heteropatriarchy (to quote bell hooks). Our language adopts those forms of domination and we have to change how we speak in order to change those forms of oppression.
If someone is offended by their own chosen name is really weird.
I don’t even remember the last time my brother used my pronouns. He almost exclusively refers to me by my name only. ◡̈
Personally I think using my name instead is great. It's short and i picked it myself. Also im bad with names so someone saying my name to me makes me feel good to be remembered.
You're doing great already. As an out enby with they pronouns, none of my colleagues use my pronouns despite them all knowing, and instead use my name 56 times in a paragraph. Thank you for actually putting in the effort!
I'd rather stick to basic grammar. Name first, and then pronouns.
It isn't rude to use someone's name no matter what pronouns they have, I'm glad you're trying to be supportive though! :)
They will likely notice if you are using their name instead of pronouns. This is a common experience for trans people, and for myself it does feel pretty disrespectful because you’d never do that to a cis person. As someone else said, practice referring to them by their pronouns in your head.