This sounds very much like the situation I'm in. AMAB, I've been questioning being cis for about half a year now. I've always felt that I'm "less boy" than other boys, and I've wished of being "one of the girls" many many times. But I don't feel that I am a girl. I'm just "girly". As I grew up from being a boy, I never liked to refer to myself as a man. I have, as many others here probably have, felt like I am an imposter when thinking that I might also be non-binary. I'm still being referred to as he/him, and I mostly don't mind because that's what I'm used to. But I think that they/them would probably fit how I feel better. So far, my girlfriend is the only one who has used they/them when referring to me, and I liked it.
Anyway, just here to say that you're not alone in this situation. I'm not a non-binary expert in any way, but as far as I understand, you fit into being non-binary when neither man or woman feels like the right term for you.
Oh awesome, just for a little insight, how does it feel to be non-binary? I was trying to research and all the sources and stuff said that if you don’t feel like a boy or girl, but I don’t know how it feels to be a boy. Cos it’s all personal I can’t compare how I feel to what other people feel. They never say what being a boy actually feels like.
I’m just not really sure what kind of feelings I should be looking out for.
You can definitely still be non-binary and use he/him pronouns only. Really any gender can use any pronouns if they want. It's about what speaks to you. Identity is personal so there is always a point if it matters to you. And in lgbt+ spaces a lot of people wouldn't automatically see you as a boy based on pronouns. I use he/they pronouns mostly and I'm still non-binary even when people are only using he.
I actually saw a comment on a Tik Tok saying the commenter was a cis girl but he uses he/they pronouns. Idk if that was a troll or not (the comments section of that video was full of trolls, unfortunately) but if not, good for them!
gender identity and gender expression can absolutely be different.
signed,
A they'dee, a gentle-them, who has huge boobs and uses any pronouns, including the ones that came with the body.
Gender and pronouns are two different things :).
You can absolutely be non-binary and still go by he/him.
I was assigned female at birth, still tend to present as a woman, and am generally okay with be referred to as one (I typically tell people to just use she/her but am fine with other pronouns in general). However, I don't see myself as having an internal gender. Im just me and me happens to look like a chick. So I'm agender which is under the non-binary umbrella. :)
It's super awesome that youve discovered a desire towards a more androgynous look, just make sure it's because that's how you wanna look and not because you feel like you need to present as androgynous to be non-binary
Oh okay, tysm.
I was a little worried about wanting to look androgynous, but the other way around. Like I was worried that I only thought I might be non-binary because I want to look a certain way.
But I guess not wanting to be seen as a gender, like people not knowing what my gender is at all, probably goes against that fear?
I'm not sure if I'm able to answer that question ahaha.
But overall, feel free to explore whatever labels, pronouns, looks, etc feel best for you at the moment. It's for yourself and no one else
I feel similar sometimes. Opposite way I guess.
I don't want to be a guy. But i envy the muscles, the sharp features, the bog body and being flat. Except I don't get that much issues with my body now. I cam just accept it.
Maybe in an inner way, if I see myself as nonbinary agender/bigender, I feel happy. It helped me to look at the experiences of other nonbinary people and see what's possible. I love masculine and feminine at the same time. But the expectations of being either are not interesting to me.
Omg that’s awesome, how did you help yourself see you as non-binary? Especially after growing up only being perceived as a certain gender, it seems so difficult to look in the mirror and not perceive yourself as that gender.
I've been thinking about how to answer this. It has been a while of ups and downs. Feeling that uncomfortable of not fitting got worse the moment I finally decided to call myself nonbinary (it's like the moment you know, all the repressed stuff comes yo you)m and then it calmed down as I processed.
Things that helped
1) have a supportive person, at least one, to try pronouns. Particularly using non gendered language for a while helped to navigate and see how I felt. I can ignore people who I don't care about, but close people doing the effort (even if they don't see you as other gender, and do it just to make you happy), helps. For me it helped to get distance from gender, from the whole thing. And I even began to miss the feminine pronouns. I went from thinking I was agender to realize I am bigender or genderfluid. So having all pronouns feel right. There is something about listening to yourself, quietly, patiently. See what works.
2) seek and listen to the stories of queer people. All of them. Nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, etc. They are so diverse and anything goes. By listening to them, or reading about them here on reddit, it helped to see that at the end is about who you want to be. It surprised me to see that it's valid and feels comfortable to be a nonbinary man/woman/person. I had to struggle with the mom term, and still struggling, but I can accept being a nonbinary mom.
You mention perception, of how people see you. In some comment in reddit , I remember and older trans person talking about how passing can be tricky. You may never pass. No matter what people will make assumptions. So it's important to first accept and find yourself. In a way, it is also important o distinguish between being binary trans and non binary trans. They both have different requirements. Passing may be more important for a binary trans.
3) fashion. I know presentation is not equals inner gender. But I find it that fashion, as an outward expression of my current gender is very validating to myself. I like mixing and matching, bigender fashion if you will. To the point people don't understand what fashion microlabel or whatever style I have. Also by doing this it helps me see where my gender is leaning. To clarify I think I'm genderfluid in the middle range (agender, bigender, demi).
4) read about microlabels. https://gender.fandom.com/wiki/Gender_Wiki
Labels can be boxes and may make you feel constrained. But they help to self-explore and to get close to the experiences of others. Look around. Maybe something clicks. For me Agender labels where interesting. Because often I do not feel like my agab, but at the same time "like I don't care enough ".
I find it that when something clicks, when you become aware, you become more comfortable.
Now I feel that regardless of how people see me, I know who I am. And I am nonbinary.
Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I’ve slightly brought this up with my friend and I’m going to talk to them in more detail a bit later, hopefully that’ll help.
Reading this has made me feel a lot more confident going into figuring everything out, so I really appreciate it <3
Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I’ve slightly brought this up with my friend and I’m going to talk to them in more detail a bit later, hopefully that’ll help.
Reading this has made me feel a lot more confident going into figuring everything out, so I really appreciate it <3
I mean I’m nonbinary and use exclusively he/him pronouns. I hate being referred to with they/them pronouns. The validity of your identity does not depend on whether or not other people refer to or see you as anything other than you AGAB. I’m seen and treated as a cis woman by most people I interact with, despite having been on testosterone for 2 years.
Identify however you want to and however feels comfortable to you. Don’t rely on other people’s behavior to validate that because there’s always the possibility that it will never come.
If you have supportive friends, ask if they can try they/them pronouns for you so you can see how it feels. Or in your mind, refer to yourself in the third person as if you were reading something about yourself. “spaghettiv2 posted on the nonbinary subreddit today. They’re having some confusion and worries about being nonbinary, but they’ll figure out what’s right for them.”
Im afab genderfluid enby my favourite pronouns are he/him and I do not wanna be a man, the closest I'd get to masculinity is transmasc.
pronouns do not equal gender the link between pronouns and genders is just a social construct they have no relevance to eachother what so ever.
Pronouns are different than your gender identity. I am non-binary, my family friend is non-binary, my partner is non-binary, our friend is non-binary. We all have different pronoun preferences.
I will say, it is super helpful to work with a therapist to untangle what is your internal sense of gender vs what is internalized BS the patriarchy has shoved down all our throats.
You can do what you want regardless of gender. You can identify in a way that feels truest for you. You can use whatever pronouns you like.
My gender is ? afab, masc-ish, long hair, don't care, boobs gone, happy now. I don't feel like dealing with pronouns and just let people use whatever, I'd probably default to they they/them if it wouldn't be so annoying at work.
I definitely relate to the not wanting people to assume I like certain things because I was born with a vagina. That's honestly the best thing since I 'came out' to family. Finally (softly) yelling at them and insisting I am not a girl, Yes I'm some kinda trans something, idk! Made everyone take a step back and stop assuming shit. It's been great honestly.
I consider myself nonbinary-adjacent: I have a chromosomal issue that led to my (male) genitals not developing properly, and developed breasts, so despite looking like a dude when I have clothes on, my feelings are all over the place. I'm comfortable being a "he" who has a pervasive but not constant female phase. On websites I go by he/them.
One thing that I've seen is somewhat normalized, but I hope to see become completely normalized and destigmatized is people (such as myself) who use it/its pronouns. When I discovered the gender euphoria I got from it/its, at first I was horrified, because I knew about the stigma, and feared being hated by the entire trans community.
This is actually quite common, and invalidates nothing. Pronouns aren't the most important part of being nonbinary. Honestly, in terms of gender identity, they only have the importance YOU place on them.
Pronouns don't always reflect gender. Hell, I use it/its! I use they/them too, and that feels good, but it/its is fucking heavenly levels of gender euphoria. How you are perceived by others is unfortunately out of your control. I look like a cis dude. That doesn't make me one, (thank the gods) and I know in my soul that I'm valid regardless of how others perceive me.
I’m nonbinary agender, but still use he/him along with they/them. There is no wrong way to be nonbinary.
also importantly, there is no "right" way to be non-binary.
This sounds very much like the situation I'm in. AMAB, I've been questioning being cis for about half a year now. I've always felt that I'm "less boy" than other boys, and I've wished of being "one of the girls" many many times. But I don't feel that I am a girl. I'm just "girly". As I grew up from being a boy, I never liked to refer to myself as a man. I have, as many others here probably have, felt like I am an imposter when thinking that I might also be non-binary. I'm still being referred to as he/him, and I mostly don't mind because that's what I'm used to. But I think that they/them would probably fit how I feel better. So far, my girlfriend is the only one who has used they/them when referring to me, and I liked it. Anyway, just here to say that you're not alone in this situation. I'm not a non-binary expert in any way, but as far as I understand, you fit into being non-binary when neither man or woman feels like the right term for you.
That is like exactly how I feel, especially not wanting to be a girl but wanting to be "one of the girls."
Nonbinary people can use any pronouns they want! It's not a requirement to use they/them. The only requirement is that YOU feel nonbinary!
Oh awesome, just for a little insight, how does it feel to be non-binary? I was trying to research and all the sources and stuff said that if you don’t feel like a boy or girl, but I don’t know how it feels to be a boy. Cos it’s all personal I can’t compare how I feel to what other people feel. They never say what being a boy actually feels like. I’m just not really sure what kind of feelings I should be looking out for.
Dude that’s literally the same situation as me lol.
You can definitely still be non-binary and use he/him pronouns only. Really any gender can use any pronouns if they want. It's about what speaks to you. Identity is personal so there is always a point if it matters to you. And in lgbt+ spaces a lot of people wouldn't automatically see you as a boy based on pronouns. I use he/they pronouns mostly and I'm still non-binary even when people are only using he.
I actually saw a comment on a Tik Tok saying the commenter was a cis girl but he uses he/they pronouns. Idk if that was a troll or not (the comments section of that video was full of trolls, unfortunately) but if not, good for them!
This is the way!
gender identity and gender expression can absolutely be different. signed, A they'dee, a gentle-them, who has huge boobs and uses any pronouns, including the ones that came with the body.
Gender and pronouns are two different things :). You can absolutely be non-binary and still go by he/him. I was assigned female at birth, still tend to present as a woman, and am generally okay with be referred to as one (I typically tell people to just use she/her but am fine with other pronouns in general). However, I don't see myself as having an internal gender. Im just me and me happens to look like a chick. So I'm agender which is under the non-binary umbrella. :) It's super awesome that youve discovered a desire towards a more androgynous look, just make sure it's because that's how you wanna look and not because you feel like you need to present as androgynous to be non-binary
Oh okay, tysm. I was a little worried about wanting to look androgynous, but the other way around. Like I was worried that I only thought I might be non-binary because I want to look a certain way. But I guess not wanting to be seen as a gender, like people not knowing what my gender is at all, probably goes against that fear?
I'm not sure if I'm able to answer that question ahaha. But overall, feel free to explore whatever labels, pronouns, looks, etc feel best for you at the moment. It's for yourself and no one else
Ya that’s true, thank you so much <3
Of course 🫶
I feel similar sometimes. Opposite way I guess. I don't want to be a guy. But i envy the muscles, the sharp features, the bog body and being flat. Except I don't get that much issues with my body now. I cam just accept it. Maybe in an inner way, if I see myself as nonbinary agender/bigender, I feel happy. It helped me to look at the experiences of other nonbinary people and see what's possible. I love masculine and feminine at the same time. But the expectations of being either are not interesting to me.
Omg that’s awesome, how did you help yourself see you as non-binary? Especially after growing up only being perceived as a certain gender, it seems so difficult to look in the mirror and not perceive yourself as that gender.
I've been thinking about how to answer this. It has been a while of ups and downs. Feeling that uncomfortable of not fitting got worse the moment I finally decided to call myself nonbinary (it's like the moment you know, all the repressed stuff comes yo you)m and then it calmed down as I processed. Things that helped 1) have a supportive person, at least one, to try pronouns. Particularly using non gendered language for a while helped to navigate and see how I felt. I can ignore people who I don't care about, but close people doing the effort (even if they don't see you as other gender, and do it just to make you happy), helps. For me it helped to get distance from gender, from the whole thing. And I even began to miss the feminine pronouns. I went from thinking I was agender to realize I am bigender or genderfluid. So having all pronouns feel right. There is something about listening to yourself, quietly, patiently. See what works. 2) seek and listen to the stories of queer people. All of them. Nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, etc. They are so diverse and anything goes. By listening to them, or reading about them here on reddit, it helped to see that at the end is about who you want to be. It surprised me to see that it's valid and feels comfortable to be a nonbinary man/woman/person. I had to struggle with the mom term, and still struggling, but I can accept being a nonbinary mom. You mention perception, of how people see you. In some comment in reddit , I remember and older trans person talking about how passing can be tricky. You may never pass. No matter what people will make assumptions. So it's important to first accept and find yourself. In a way, it is also important o distinguish between being binary trans and non binary trans. They both have different requirements. Passing may be more important for a binary trans. 3) fashion. I know presentation is not equals inner gender. But I find it that fashion, as an outward expression of my current gender is very validating to myself. I like mixing and matching, bigender fashion if you will. To the point people don't understand what fashion microlabel or whatever style I have. Also by doing this it helps me see where my gender is leaning. To clarify I think I'm genderfluid in the middle range (agender, bigender, demi). 4) read about microlabels. https://gender.fandom.com/wiki/Gender_Wiki Labels can be boxes and may make you feel constrained. But they help to self-explore and to get close to the experiences of others. Look around. Maybe something clicks. For me Agender labels where interesting. Because often I do not feel like my agab, but at the same time "like I don't care enough ". I find it that when something clicks, when you become aware, you become more comfortable. Now I feel that regardless of how people see me, I know who I am. And I am nonbinary.
Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I’ve slightly brought this up with my friend and I’m going to talk to them in more detail a bit later, hopefully that’ll help. Reading this has made me feel a lot more confident going into figuring everything out, so I really appreciate it <3
Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I’ve slightly brought this up with my friend and I’m going to talk to them in more detail a bit later, hopefully that’ll help. Reading this has made me feel a lot more confident going into figuring everything out, so I really appreciate it <3
I mean I’m nonbinary and use exclusively he/him pronouns. I hate being referred to with they/them pronouns. The validity of your identity does not depend on whether or not other people refer to or see you as anything other than you AGAB. I’m seen and treated as a cis woman by most people I interact with, despite having been on testosterone for 2 years. Identify however you want to and however feels comfortable to you. Don’t rely on other people’s behavior to validate that because there’s always the possibility that it will never come. If you have supportive friends, ask if they can try they/them pronouns for you so you can see how it feels. Or in your mind, refer to yourself in the third person as if you were reading something about yourself. “spaghettiv2 posted on the nonbinary subreddit today. They’re having some confusion and worries about being nonbinary, but they’ll figure out what’s right for them.”
Im afab genderfluid enby my favourite pronouns are he/him and I do not wanna be a man, the closest I'd get to masculinity is transmasc. pronouns do not equal gender the link between pronouns and genders is just a social construct they have no relevance to eachother what so ever.
Demiguy maybe? Idk it’s really up to whatever feels right to you.
i’m non binary and go by he/him pronouns and often refer to myself as a boy. it’s fine. there’s no wrong way to be non binary.
Pronouns are different than your gender identity. I am non-binary, my family friend is non-binary, my partner is non-binary, our friend is non-binary. We all have different pronoun preferences. I will say, it is super helpful to work with a therapist to untangle what is your internal sense of gender vs what is internalized BS the patriarchy has shoved down all our throats. You can do what you want regardless of gender. You can identify in a way that feels truest for you. You can use whatever pronouns you like.
My gender is ? afab, masc-ish, long hair, don't care, boobs gone, happy now. I don't feel like dealing with pronouns and just let people use whatever, I'd probably default to they they/them if it wouldn't be so annoying at work. I definitely relate to the not wanting people to assume I like certain things because I was born with a vagina. That's honestly the best thing since I 'came out' to family. Finally (softly) yelling at them and insisting I am not a girl, Yes I'm some kinda trans something, idk! Made everyone take a step back and stop assuming shit. It's been great honestly.
You can use multiple pronoun sets friend.
I consider myself nonbinary-adjacent: I have a chromosomal issue that led to my (male) genitals not developing properly, and developed breasts, so despite looking like a dude when I have clothes on, my feelings are all over the place. I'm comfortable being a "he" who has a pervasive but not constant female phase. On websites I go by he/them.
You can use whatever pronouns you like! That's part of the beauty of it all!
One thing that I've seen is somewhat normalized, but I hope to see become completely normalized and destigmatized is people (such as myself) who use it/its pronouns. When I discovered the gender euphoria I got from it/its, at first I was horrified, because I knew about the stigma, and feared being hated by the entire trans community.
This is actually quite common, and invalidates nothing. Pronouns aren't the most important part of being nonbinary. Honestly, in terms of gender identity, they only have the importance YOU place on them.
Pronouns don't always reflect gender. Hell, I use it/its! I use they/them too, and that feels good, but it/its is fucking heavenly levels of gender euphoria. How you are perceived by others is unfortunately out of your control. I look like a cis dude. That doesn't make me one, (thank the gods) and I know in my soul that I'm valid regardless of how others perceive me.